#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop
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Man I just give up.
#dora daily#if only there was a way to just stop everything#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop#like so many times I go out or smth and something bad happens#or I get triggered in public and I try so hard not to lose myself and start drama in public but I just can’t#every time I show any emotion people start laughing#I can’t even try to stop myself from bawling in the middle of the store without someone#just being so insensitive and rude and diminishing how I feel#you know I say I’m never mad and that is true bc I may seem mad a lot online but I’m not like this irl#but for the first time I actually got mad at someone irl and I was literally gonna beat him#I was genuinely seething so bad it’s not fair and things keep getting worse and worse#I was so close to just throwing this stupid phone and shattering it and ripping up those dumbass#birthday cards they sell in the store#and that stupid bitch of a sister I have is so fucking stupid#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her#like bro idek how I have lived for this long and idek why I don’t go and just overdose on SOMETHING right now because#logically speaking I should just give up#but I don’t know why I can’t#like please my life is literal shit okay is replying on time so hard for you to fucking do so I don’t go even more insane fuck all of youuuu#UGHHHDJSOS#I SWEAR TO GOD I am so sick of this just you all wait#none of you deserve normal treatment all you deserve is something even worse than ghosting#just you wait let this stupid semester end and I’ll deactivate my socials go speak to the fucking wall you morons#you think I’m gonna wait around what are you paying me to be here ? if anything IM paying with my sanity#like if this was related to a spouse who was a billionaire but he was treating me as shittily as you guys treat me then I’ll say fine#at least I’m getting something out of this transaction who gives a fuck#but im not getting paid#im not receiving support#I’m getting laughed at and ignored#and used only at YOUR CONVENIENCE !!! what the FUCK ! I don’t exist for anyone and certainly not yall even if I did.
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well that's fucking awesome. all of the damage russians have done to our electric infrastructure can be repaired in one year minimum. IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE TAHN ONE YEAR TO REPAIR ALL OF THE ELECTRIC STATIONS RUSSIANS HIT WITH THEIR MISSILES. AND WE AIN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT CIVILIAN OR ANY OTHER INFRASTRUCTURE. ONLY ELECTRIC ONE. MORE THAN ONE YEAR. AND WE ARE STILL NOT STRUGGLING ENOUGH IN ONLINE PEOPLE'S OPINION. FUCK OFF
#like look I'm just a guy who fucking wants to relax on my summer break and enjoy the last months of being unemployed and careless#and all I fucking get is “the electricity will soon be out” notification on my phone#LIKE OKAY I FUCKING GET YOU YOU ARE USED TO US FUCKING STRUGGLING AND I MAY BE SEEN BYPER PRIVILEGED FOR COMPLAINING#BUT IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUDGE SOMEONE WHILE YOU FUCKING HAVE EVERYTHING I CAN EVER DREAM OF (basic human needs)#like YES THERE'S AN ONGOING WAR IN MY COUNTRY AND I KNOW IT. BUT WE DIDN'T CHOSE TO LIVE NEXT TO FUCKING RUSSIA#we just want to live safely and have access to the most basic things that many people all around the world take for granted#we want to feel safe on our land#we want to stop fucking worrying that the next building hit by russian missile will actually be ours because no one is safe#and still I fucking see those fuckos online telling me how we “don't act like people who live in a country that goes through a war”#well I guess in that case we should all stop buying food and clothes to be REAL people who are suffering from a war#like you for real?? you gonna fucking make us give up the only sourse of distraction and dopamine we can get?#you fucking judging people for buying stuff because “you shouldn't buy new things#there's an ongoing war in your country“ you fr?? so like what we all shall fucking give up and die??#buying new things often gives people some dopamine which actually helps to stay somehow stable (as sane as it's possible)#or do you want us to be a fucking nut-state? idk some mental-case-state. fuck off#stand with ukraine#russia is a terrorist state
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tell me why i can hear another tenants fucking music from my flat. HE DOESNT EVEN LIVE IN MY BUILDING. HE LIVES IN A COMPLETELY SEPARATE BUILDING ON THE SECOND FLOOR AND I CAN HEAR HIS MUSIC FROM MY FLAT. MY FLAT WHICH IS IN A DIFFERENT SEPARATE BUILDING.
#and staff just say ‘oh we can’t do anything bc its not 11pm yet.’#ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.#i am autistic person who has just spent a full 12hrs in extremely overstimulating public spaces#i am exhausted and i have had to wake up at ass o’clock in the fucking morning#every day for the past like week and a half and will be expected to do so for the forseeable future#i am extremely sensitive to noise and have no ability to zone things out#like everything is always at the same volume for me#all the fucking time no matter what#and they say like oh well in the community there wouldnt be anything to be done so we cant do anything here#BUT WE ARENT IN THE COMMUNITY. ARE WE. WE ARE AT A SUPPORTED LIVING ACCOMMODATION WHERE I HAVE BEEN PLACED#BY MY LOCAL AUTHORITY WHO ARE PAYING TWENTY THREE GRAND A YEAR#AND I AM PAYING FIVE HUNDRED A MONTH#IN ORDER TO RECIEVE SUPPORT FOR MY DISABILITIES. A BIG ONE BEING MY FUCKING AUTISM.#YOU KNOW. THE ONE WHICH IS BEING DIRECTLY IMPACTED BY THE BEHAVIOUR OF ANOTHER TENANT.#WHEN I AM BEING PUSHED TO MY LIMIT ALREADY. LIKE IDK FEELS KINDA CRAZY THAT THIS ISNT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE SORTED.#i fucking hate men there is just literally no fucking respect or consideration like its genuinely disgusting and so fucking infuriating#and like he says that staff (women. btw) are being too naggy about it. but never fucking stops to consider that maybe.#maybe people wouldnt have to ‘nag’ you about it IF YOU JUST. DIDNT DO THE THING THAT IS ACTIVELY CAUSING OTHER PEOPLE STRESS.#IDK FUCKING WILD IDEA JUST THOUGHT OF IT.#literally die i want everyone involved to die like I CANNOT DO THISSSSSSSSSSSS
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The Passenger (2023) dir. Carter Smith // NEVER AGAIN - MICHELLE
#the passenger#post:music#yapping#i actually havent been able to stop thinking of this scene with this song#idk i feel like (some of) these lyrics are fitting for this#“everything reminds me of them” -me listening to my personal playlist#i prolly have like 200 other songs i could use with these two AISJUHDGFB#“i thought i knew you better than this” dont mind me ripping my teeth out. thinking about how benson didnt even think-#-randy couldve been the one to call. that he was truthful when he said he needed to use the restroom.#that the woman who had nothing in her pockets. no phone. was the one who called. not even considering to check randys pockets-#-after leaving him alone. ughghhfhhhdgfj#ik benson prolly wouldve wanted to die anyways. to prove his point.#-but i do still think a part of him really DID want to undo the past few hours. to before seeing sheppard.#maybe then they could've 'resolved' another one of Randys problems. and left town. gone to the city even.
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Dog got put down today and the saddest I've been all day is because of pokemon angst. What the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I care.
#sigghhhhh#maybe it's because like. idk. i've accepted death or something and I know that it's gonna happen so I can't feel anything when it happens#but like#ugh#i can't stop thinking that maybe I'm just a horrible person who never even cared about her.#and i never even cared about everyone else who's died in my life#and I'm never gonna care#i'm not gonna care when my grandparents die. when my parents die. i'm not gonna care if my friends or any of the younger people die suddenl#because for some reason i only have a caring bone in my body for people who aren't even fucking real#because I'm selfish or something. and i only like people for what they can give me. idk. that doesn't feel right to me but like#WHY CAN'T I FEEL FOR THEM THEN??????#my great grandmother died. the woman who I spent most of my younger years with. and I felt absolutely fucking NOTHING#maybe that's because she'd been dead for a long time before that#i'm sorry but why were we taking care of a fucking husk. it'd be fine if she remembered but she. she couldn't even talk man.#maybe that's just me being insensitive#because I just don't understand why anyone would want to live like that. in pain#not even able to remember the people you loved. everything that you loved#i'd rather be dead#it just doesn't make sense to me#idk. maybe one of these days I'll actually feel#idk how to tag this#oh wait i posted this but forgot a tag#vent#ig
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#vent#why cant i get used to things#like why am i crying this isnt something not normal you do this all the time#i dont want to#i feel like a fucking kid wtf why am i crying#get over urself nothings gonna work out#i dont get it when do stuff stop hurting??? because i hate this so much#i hate everything i hate my life rn i really really truly wish i was dead now#i wish i was braver because then i could be#but im not. and i hate it#everythings just shit always and i dont understand why people are just ok with it. cant life be better maybe? i would like it then#and i cant so anything to fix any of my problems and idk what to do#i really dont wanna do any of these things#i hope i die i feel bad about it but i kinda really do hope so… even if its rude to my family i feel so bad about it i love them#but i fucking hate this
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Holt’s vision was basically the first thing to go as she became infected with the corruption happening in Sierpinski-23 and it absolutely wrecks me
#I WISH I WAS BETTER AT STORYBOARDING AND DOING COMICS#bc I think about that moment between her and sieben#Holt’s eyes are visibly cloudy and the most she can make out is light/shadow and rough shapes#she can’t make out any of her old lover’s features and relies completely on her voice and touch#Holt can be pretty stubborn/prideful for a eule (the more I think about her she’s probably degraded some but is reliable/quiet enough abt i#but yeah she’s especially stubborn about Sieben. but at that moment she’s also so so scared and in pain#and she’s trying to have good humor she’s trying to be brave for Wanze at least#I think there’s a certain amount of vulnerability she can have with Sieben though due to their history#they both know Holt’s going to die#and so Holt doesn’t mind stopping the act for a second#if it means she can ask Sieben to hold her hand for a bit#and she does. it’s nice for a while.#Sieben doesn’t really want to look at Holt (her face is falling off she’s gross and seeing her like that also makes Sieben want to cry)#there is a lot of bitterness and regret between them and there’s a lot either of them could say#I think abt them and that particular moment A Lot#Wanze also :((((#Sieben only visits her earlier on but Wanze sees Holt as her mind starts to go#it’s hard for both of them. Holt doesn’t know who she is and can’t recognize her#so a lot of their time together is Wanze trying to comfort her and let her know everything’s alright#she can’t save her she’ll never be able to it’s not her fault#but Wanze will never stop blaming herself for it#she could’ve done more Holt did so so much and they were right. Wanze IS just a Fehler. a bug an error a mistake#she can’t help the person who thought the world of her. the person she loved more than anything#Anyway idk where I was going with this not anywhere in particular just Thinkin about them#blorbo tag#holt
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im just gonna be a lonely unlovable excluded kid desperate for attention for the rest of my life until i die at this point huh
#no one cares if i die#did i ever stop?#it was better once. before everything crumbled#I don't even have a mom now#or anything. im an only child who lost its birth parents and its foster parents and its found tranny parents.#ill never make friends cuz no one wants to sit with the lonely kid. no one at all#and its all my fault for not learning how to be human.#i am just constantly thinking abt people idk how to msg first who said they were my friends and said they thought of me and would remember#everyones gone and i have to watch them scroll past me and post here while i get isolated by everything :')))
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more asoiaf comparisons, parallels & antiparallels to the first dance of the dragons vs the second & final dance of the dragons (& possibly the sixth blackfyre rebellion): the blacks being daenerys i targaryen's supporters, the golds being aegon vi targaryen's supporters, tommen baratheon being a close equivalent to gaemon palehair & his mother essie & sylvenna sand which may be interpreted as a parallel with queen cersei lannister & taena merryweather of myr, trystane truefyre being a close equivalent to aegon/young griff & perkin being jon connington & the shepherd being the new high septon the high sparrow, dalton greyjoy being euron i greyjoy's ancestor & the latter surpassing him, alyn waters later alyn velaryon resembling aurane waters later aurane velaryon & finishing what their ancestors started. history repeats itself.
#LIKE!!!! LOOK AT THE PARALLELS BRUH#it kinda makes me wonder who the hightowers would support this time...#its literally so wild how history repeats itself#i think the lannisters would support aegon after he takes king's landing bc they're lowkey fucked either way.#cersei lannister's probably either in hiding at casterly rock or will end up as aegon's political prisoner. maybe jaime too idk.#i have no idea who would lead the lannisters on the side of the golds now that kevan's dead killed by varys tho... maybe genna lannister?#cersei jaime & tyrion's aunt? to parallel johanna lannister who attacked the ironborn like a boss bitch??#i personally predict aegon'll marry sansa who would have the north the riverlands & the vale at her back—it'd be arranged by baelish & varys#i also think it's possible he'd take arianne martell as another wife to parallel aegon & his wives visenya & rhaenys.#so by taking sansa & arianne as his wives & queens both of whom are well beloved in their countries he'd restore honor to their houses.#bc aerys & later the baratheon dynasty was a terrible time for the starks & the martells so he brings the north & dorne back into the fold.#so by marrying sansa he honors & respects her given her past betrothal to joffrey & forced marriage to tyrion & mending what aerys did#particularly to her grandfather rickard stark & her uncle brandon stark & to her aunt lyanna stark.#& by marrying arianne he's restoring honor to house martell considering all the bs his mother elia martell experienced in king's landing.#(whether elia actually Is his mother or who he perceives her to be) & restoring the line of succession again in dornish hands#& they'd probably marry him on the condition that the northerners & dornish gets special rights & privileges that others don't.#& not to mention that the targaryens starks & martells have a common enemy.#polygamy's a big nono in the faith of the seven but that didn't stop aegon & his wives & im sure after everything w/ the faith rn??#w/ cersei & the sparrows?? & considering aegon's actually a decent person & he'll be foreshadowed to be popular & loved??#i don't think most would bat an eye tbh. i actually think daenerys would wanna talk to aegon first tho.#then everything & everyone around them goes to shit & they end up fighting bc like. daenerys wants SO BADLY to have a family.#so like i don't see her immediately perceiving aegon as a threat.#the starks & most of the north would prolly be wary of dany @ 1st due to aerys & having a MASSIVE army w/ three dragons until the long night#except for like. maybe jon. but anyway the martells could be slightly wary of dany bc of what happened with quentyn in meereen.#idk maybe there's a division in the north & dorne. i think sansa & arianne would actually get along personally.#anyway im presuming stannis is gonna be at the nightfort & i personally don't think he's ever gonna come south again. he'll die at the wall.#ooc.
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gonna talk about princess mononoke because my lovely mey and i just talked about studio ghlibi and i just remembered how much i love the film
#LIKE ITS JUST SO PERFECT#i literally have a tattoo of kodamas on my ankle that’s how much i love the movie#ashitaka is literally A MAN like he did so so much to try to make the balance between the forest and humans work#HIM CALLING SAN BEAUTIFUL WHEN SHE WAS LITERALLY ABOUT TO KILL HER???#AND WHEN HE SAVED HER AND CARRIED HER OUT DESPITE BEING SHOT LIKE HELLO#“i hate all you humans” “yes im human and so are you’#like her face when she realized she stabbed him like HER FACE LITERALLT SOFTENED SHE FELT SO BAD IM GONNA CRY#AND HE WASNT EVEN MAD?? HE JUST WANTED TO HUG HER#“i’m sorry’#“i tried to stop it’#HELLOOOOO#he loved her so much#AND SHE DID TOO#i like you ashitaka but I can't forgive the things that humans did#AHHHHHHHHHH#HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#like idk i would’ve loved seeing them together but the fact that they didn’t end up together adds so much depth to each character#and just the overall like#look of princess mononoke#LIKE ITS SO PRETTY HELLO THE SPIRITS AND EVERYTHING#i will never NEVER shut up about studio ghlibi like give me any film and i’ll rave about it#but princess mononoke will always have something in my heart#honestly ashitaka is one of the most well written characters ever in general and i will DIE on that hill#it also just shows the cruel reality of greed and how evil humans can be#and the disturbance of spirits like#i’m gonna rewatch tonight because this movie is absolutely jaw dropping#and also their voices are so beautiful like both sub and dubbed#seeing the forest heal even after the forest spirit died was so beautiful#i also just love the old anime art style too like the vibes are just so so so beautiful#it’s a perfect mix between the old studio ghlibi style and the new one it’s so perfect
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honestly have many thougjts about sabo and sabosan but im embarrassed to ever speak of em
#i may not show it but ive been thinking about sabo 24/7 lately#he wont leave help#tin talks#like. the brainworms are so bad#why am i thinking about emo boy sabo lgnwlcjw#scene luffy would go so hard btw idc#but emo sabo???:? im going to die#also i do consider myself emo but shfjhshshhhshh#im so.#i will never be normal#i need to stop having thoughts what am i Thinking#im not even cooking the house already burnt down#and im not talking abt 'ugh it's not a phase!!!' just. he happens to be that way idk#LIKE. im more talking about the looks and not the stereotypical emo teenager#rlly just Everythings the same but sabo is living the emo lifestyle#help me god#just bc i can do what i want doesnt mean i should
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kinda fucked up that the only pokemon realistically stopping me from completing the blueberry dex are the violet paradox trio
#pokemon#pokemon scarvio#indigo disk#indigo disk spoilers#kinda but also not really#like i dont even have an iron leaves i never got one#bc my social anxiety stops me from randomly entering other peoples raids#like what if they hate me and want me to die if i joined??? what then??#idk i dont have everything else filled in but any potential version exclusives could be traded from shield/legends#excuse me#AAAAAAAAAAAAAA#also listening to the hades soundtrack and i swear i barely remember the current song except for certain sections#despite the fact that i have like over a hundred hours and also one hundred percented it on steam#and yes this post is indeed a cry for help#like i dont even want to keep the other paradoxes i dont need to keep them#i just need them filled in pls
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i need to vent so bad but i dont want to be a bother so i'll just rant in the tags. feel free to block me for no reason at all 👍
#GAAAAH I HOPE I DIE I CANT FO TJIS ANYMORE#never thought id be this stressed about college idk what should i study idk where should i study i feel like i need to kms#please i just want to study compsci why is everything so complicated i just need a fucking degree god please just let me have this#sighhhh i hope everything turns out well idc if it's a bad college as long as i get a degree#i can do everything else from my own i dont need to rely on colleges for that#BECAUSE FUCK THEM#i really need to stop freaking out but its so over guys im so fucked up rn
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#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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