#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc

[chiistarri]

what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way

[spacecaptaincartoon]

Journal #1 (11/4/19)

The events which catalyzed my break up were titanic thunder fuck levels of catastrophic. However, despite the inarguably terrible circumstances which have led to my break up i feel a pervasive calm that has spread through me. At times I feel an excitement and energy that i have not experience for a long time. This first and foremost leads me to believe that this was in fact the correct move to make. Breaking up was difficult definitely. It always is. This was no exception. However, the feelings i harbor post break up are very very different in this case. I will say that this time, I was the clear breaker-up-er and that always means you have a little more self esteem to stand up when the ship ultimately goes down. Its a crashed ship but at least you can say you crashed it and not that you were a victim in the wreck. Ironically she was the one who fucked up. Anyways. I feel pretty good. I’m excited to be able to flirt with women again. This was something that i was getting quite good at before i entered this hellish relationship, and while i feel like i probably had more energy and verve in my flirt game 5 years ago, I am more confident in other ways this time around. I’ve been giving out my number. this is something i was never able to do. I was way way too self conscious in my twenties for that. Another thing that is exciting is that i dont feel super compelled to be in a relationship. This is excellent because then i can focus on things that matter a great deal to my future. Such as career, making money, living space, and other business matters. 

Right now i am talking sorta not really with this one girl named Jordana. She is an Australian born architect that lives in Silverlake. She’s pretty cute but more than anything i gave her my number because she immediately made me smile the moment i met her. And it wasn’t with a funny quip or something or a witty statement, it was simply the way she spoke. Her cadence, the way she carried herself. She had a kind of slightly silly energy to her that felt positive and approachable. I have recently decided to follow my gut when it comes to women. Fiona...barf....was someone that i was never super duper attracted too but i got with her mostly because i felt super bad for her. Then when i was seeing Katie Kidd...swoon...and then tried to break up with Fiona, I made her cry...crocodile tears that triggered me into save a bitch state and I felt the need to not betray Fiona and stick with her. Flash forward 5 years later and it was the very worse decision of my life. Well that feels like an exaggeration but its more or less true.

I think about Katie a lot. I have for 5 years. I always went back and looked at her Instagram. Watching her progress, graduate, move to Australia. Things were really really great with her but there was a shred of doubt in my mind about her. As far as sexual chemistry there was no question, she was a fucking dynamo in the bedroom...oy...thinking about it makes me all tingly. But there was a weird energy at the end of her visit (probably because we were fucking so much that my hormones were a fucking cyclone) but there was certainly a shred of doubt. Now that fiona is out of the picture I’m afraid to contact her because it seems like im just trying to tie another knot and get into a relationship again. Though i doubt doubt doubt that we would even get togther again, i mean she’s like 18 hours away in Australia. But even still, its like take a fucking break Bob!

I do kinda want to get on a  dating site but the timing is still not right. I have to get an apartment and get settled. Also there are so many way more important things to take care of that dating would be hyper trivial right now.

Also I think about a phenomenon now that i’ve always been aware of, but now it seems more evident that i should work on this rather than date now. The phenomenon is that hot beautiful women dont give a shit about broke guys, even sweet, compassionate, and handsome guys. If the guy is living in a shitty apartment with a shitty job than that guy fucking gets no pussy. The only ones you can score are those in your general social hierarchy. This is something that i dont really want. I have always been searching for a really special hyper intelligent positive girl that is bonkers attractive. This of course has never happened unfortunately. However, just using the powers of observation there are a lot of incredibly beautiful and accomplished women that date schluby gross mother fuckers mostly because they are more stable and successful in their lives. Money = status= more viable as a mate. My goal in these next two or so years is to get a sweet nursing job and then start making some fucking money. Fucking money will be money for fucking. That’s crude but im thinking really crudely for this secret blog that no one will ever read. Of course though it isn’t my style to go around fucking a bunch of girls, I sorta tried it and it was very difficult on my morals. However, getting the job and the money would put me in a much larger pool with way more viable partners. I would loooove to date a nurse, or doctor, or some very intelligent and gorgeous person. Nursing school and working in a hospital would be such a good vetting process for finding a mate. This sounds so calculated and national geographic at the same time. but i dont really care. 

Other things that I am doing right now is I am doing breathing exercises every morning. These would be the Wim Hof breathing exercises that have me do rounds of rapid inhales followed by holding my breath for as long as a can without struggling too hard. This has proved to be very very beneficial. I have been feeling more open and less self conscious since I started doing these exercises. On top of that I’ve been doing these cold showers which have been really wonderful too. I’ve been doing the two of them in conjunction so i guess its hard so say which is giving me the most benefit but Its probably both. The showers are really nice and are getting me to a place where i am sincerely looking forward to them.

Going to the gym again, that is great. I’m going to try and put some muscle on and for the most part stay on a low carb diet. Keeping my blood sugar low. I’ve been drinking a lot of Kombucha...I think i need to calm it down a bit. Maybe only after workouts. Tomorrow is going to be a triceps and back day. Looking forward to it! I like lifting. I’ll be taking a little bit of creatine soon with my workouts but keeping it to a minimum. Giving me that extra bit of ATP.

Been studying Nursing stuff early before my classes have started. I SIGNED UP FOR CLASSES! HUZZAH! This is exciting even though i’ve only signed up for one class. Thats the only class i can take really. I cannot wait to do this damn thing. I’m going to fucking crush this so fucking hard. I’m going to work hard and be the most eligible candidate for the nursing program. No fucking around. Just working hard. Moving forward and progressing.

I’m done for now.

Side note, I’ve been sitting and feeling pretty good. My back isn’t hurting...fuck yeah. I’m doing something right. Maybe those squats or kick backs or something....KEEP IT GOING!!!