#just bc i can do what i want doesnt mean i should | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tinukis · 1 year ago

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honestly have many thougjts about sabo and sabosan but im embarrassed to ever speak of em

#i may not show it but ive been thinking about sabo 24/7 lately #he wont leave help #tin talks #like. the brainworms are so bad #why am i thinking about emo boy sabo lgnwlcjw #scene luffy would go so hard btw idc #but emo sabo???:? im going to die #also i do consider myself emo but shfjhshshhhshh #im so.#i will never be normal #i need to stop having thoughts what am i Thinking #im not even cooking the house already burnt down #and im not talking abt 'ugh it's not a phase!!!' just. he happens to be that way idk #LIKE. im more talking about the looks and not the stereotypical emo teenager #rlly just Everythings the same but sabo is living the emo lifestyle #help me god #just bc i can do what i want doesnt mean i should

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hermitcraftx · 5 months ago

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just got a dm abt one of my posts and y'all please don't try and show the hermits (or any minecraft youtuber or content creator for that matter) my posts, i'm uncomfortable with it and don't want any of my posts shown to a cc. if they stumble upon it naturally that's unfortunate but i can live with it since i do maintag a lot (something i REALLY need to stop doing tbh i already know i need to make a tagging system just for my blog that wont clog results) but going out of ur way to show a cc is entirely different and something i am not comfortable with.

no hate to the person at all but even if i wasn't a little silly and weird with it sometimes i wouldn't be comfortable with it, i want my blog to be a purely fandom only space with none of the creators involved <3 please respect this

#which is imo how a fandom space should be #i'm old fashioned and it breaks the fandom etiquette rules i stand by #i ship and stuff and absolutely NO cc needs to be subjected to that please and thank you even if it's a non-ship post #not saying hermits and others cant hang out and interact if they wish hell no but like....#if you as any person with a following willingly go into a fandom space you have to expect to see some things you find weird #doesn't even necessarily mean ship just stuff the cc finds weird :v idk im not phrasing this right but like #the rule with shipping around any sort of media has been to keep it away and not show the creators anything !!! and thats fallen out #of practice the past few years with ppl getting more and more comfortable demanding boundaries and personal info from creators #which isn't right imo bc its like you're trying to see how much you can get away with. u want a guide on how to interact and social skills #which is... huh??? just be polite and keep anything weird away from them like what we were doing #some folks nowadays need “permission” to ship stuff even from SHOWS and shit with no real people and its like wow... huh....#u need it to be canon?? u need everything told to u by the show?? wheres the imagination. the spirit.#the making of everything so far removed from what it once was #like that guy that played nick from heartstopper that had to be outed to play a gay guy. like #idk im so sick of the boundary fandom ppl in mcyt 'what if they saw and made it uncomfortable!! im going to show them!!!!'#you are making them MUCH more uncomfortable than i am by GOING INTO THEIR FACE AND DEMANDING THEY LOOK AT IT!!#AND DEMANDING BOUNDARIES N SHIT... CRAZY.... idk the hermits especially its weird to me bc clearly they understand fandom etiquette #and the dynamic im talking about. most of them understand that by going into fandom spaces they will see things they dont like #which is why a lot of them only like fanart and answer questions asked by fans. even on tumblr !!! where the weird ppl are!!!#they also all seem to understand they are playing characters (citing joel cleo and grian as examples) for their audiences #which is. smth the audience itself doesnt understand most of the time anymore. oh my god they all died in real life in hermitcraft season 8 #idk hermitblr used to be a lot more okay with hermitshipping n then a bunch of ppl from other fandoms moved in and its all more negative #and makes me sad. idk...#i never meant for this blog to gain almost 500 followers i just wanted to make silly little ship posts and now im scared to #bc ive gotten hate and its.... bwugh.... tempted to remake blogs and make one thats very clearly just for me and a few weirdos #whatever i went off on a tangent in the tags as usual just pls dont show creators my posts even non-ship ones for this reason #jamies bad posts #talking in tags #serious posts #<- ig??? idk

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nintendont2502 · 2 months ago

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spending more than a few days around your family and no one else truly does cause a certain type of madness. and baby they call me the joker

#ughhhh #travelling with other people after travelling solo is exhausting #wdym i cant just go do my own thing #what do you mean i have to spend this entire time doing shit other people want to do while i just kinda stand around awkwardly bc i dont #have anyone to talk to #what do you meani constantly have to mask more than i ususally do bc i cant look at all neurodivergent or queer or. unhappy. or bored.#or tired #im so tired.#ive got a couple of days in london alone thank fuck #but ugh idk #its just constant 'you should appreciate this!! not many people get to do this!!#cant have a real conversation. treated like a child the whole time. cant even swear.#misgendered and deadnamed the entire time but whats new there #constantly surrounded by people #constantly have to be performing happiness because otherwise youre called rude and told to snap out of it #cant talk to people because everyone interrupts or talks over you or doesnt hear you #cant go on your phone at all if theres anyone around. and theres always people around #constantly on the border of being overloaded at all times but you still have to talk to people !!!#its not even my family this sucksss #'come to england so you can sit in a pub for 3 hours while everyone drinks beer and talks to each other you cant join in on any conversatio #you cant do anything else and if you dont look happy to just be sitting there doing nothing then you get yelled at!! and maybe this is a lit #paid for my own tickets) but #im not. this isnt *fun*. im sitting around surrounded by someone elses family who dont know me and i dont know them #doing shit i actively hate all day #and i constantly have to be performing and acting like im habing a great time the entire time or im spoilt #even thouhg i. i paid for my own ticket here #man i couldve gone to japan again #'isnt england amazing!!" yeah idk it seems like it is!! too bad weve spent this entire goddamn time in some tiny village in the middle of #fuck ass nowhere going on walks that are identical to the ones at home #love to actually go experience it outside of the. one full day. i get in london

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softness-and-shattering · 1 day ago

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#overthinking a shitty interaction fromna few days ago #ppl talking about me in the notes as if I wasnt there #someome said 'why is he being so familiar?'#i was talking like i normally talk. going for generally empathetic and understanding with an amount of snark bc they were being rude #i shouldnt have engaged to begin with but I was like oh i have good proof to refute this nonsense claim #forgot for a hot second that with some people its about their enotions and what they want to do with it and not. facts #nit like problemnsolving rather than listening it was a bullshit trans discourse claim based on very little of substance #and now im like. why was I so “familiar”?#i dont think I was overly familiar. idk if they were upset I wasnt rising to their bait and being aggressive so they could fight me #such a weird thing #also ran across a pill that makes you green comic with one of those guys who divert conversations like why are you trans im worried about #your mental health must be causing your transness friendo buddy bud my bestie #i dont think I was doing that #they were also really grasping at straws to misinterpret me which I think means I did a decent job being kind #im just spinning about it bc sleep is really eluding me #i should just forget about it #why is he so familiar?? am i supposed to talk like a formal fedora mlady dude?? am I just expected to be an aggressive asshole?#interact like its a legal proceeding??#i have no idea #hopefully now ive got it out i can think about something else #bc it was a totally ffuitless cinversation except as a reminder to not get involved in absurd and spiteful discourse!#tbh a bunch of recentish pills that make you green was making me uncomfortable but the metaphor is abstract enough that I cant logic through #where my disagreement is. just the vibes were kinda of....exclusionary? in ways I cant fully out my finger on?#im just q bit sad disappointed is all cause I have liked them before #i need to find something to do. if youve got this far can you reccomend me a good sleep podcast? doesnt need to be A Sleep Podcast TM #just white noise basically to keep my brain busy that doesnt matter if I only hear pieces of it #have a good one ❤#mine

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bogosbinted · 1 month ago

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Ugggghhhhh this xiaohongshu thing is funny or whatever but I literally flew to London to visit my Chinese situationship for a few days and he was more interested in videos of Americans butchering mandarin than the actual real life guy that travelled down to see him

#like when i wanted to come hang out i didnt mean leaning my head on his shoulder while he scrolls through the app #literally all the time. while eating dinner. while watching a movie. morning noon and night #having to literally yank his arm and snap my fingers in his face because i just asked 3 times what the plan is for dinner #and he straight up ignored that i said anything #we were supposed to go to the natural history museum and then hit up the gay bars yesterday but he decided he didnt want to #because he wasnt really feeling it #and yeah ofc i could have just said ok cool im going anyway see you later tonight #but i didnt come to london to be a tourist i came to visit him #he would literally just grab the remote and rewind the film we were watching bc he wasnt paying attention and needed to catch up #keeps asking questions about everyoen in the film and complaining bc it doesnt make any sense #my brother in christ you wanted to watch this film. you decided this was the film for the night #but youre too busy telling guys on grindr that unfortunately youre not available tonight #grinds my fucking gears #telling him that we should do something nice because weve only got one full day left “oh its ok ill come up to scotland in like a month”#“we can hang out then” IM LITERALLY HERE RIGHT NOW. IM HERE NEXT TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

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applejongho · 2 years ago

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dunno how to articulate my thoughts without sounding mean but i'll try my best; it's so exciting when jh tries a new color and it's also exciting when he also seems to be enjoying it, but i think a problem in fandom culture in general is that need to have ownership over your [thing you like], in this case, jh, a real person. like you can be sad that jh is losing or toning down his purple hair because it was a good color and he looks good, but also at the end of the day it's his hair on his head and what he wants to do w his hair is his business only.

i say this because jh said in the latest radio station that he is going to tone down his purple hair in a few days, not because he doesnt like the color, but because his hair grows outward, a common thing that happens with your hair when you are of asian or hispanic descent. he needs down perms to literally "put down" the hair instead of it sticking straight out of his head. and down perms can fuck with the color if it's dyed.

so with this in mind, jh keeps his hair "boring" and black because he would rather his hair not be sticking straight out of his head and he doesnt want to sacrifice more time at the salon for color correction when it can just be his natural color. and thats really valid of him, just as it's valid of any other member or kpop idol to constantly dye their hair. it's his choice just like theirs and fans should respect his choice more.

#like idk just in general people make comments about jh being boring just bc he dresses a certain way and has his hair a certain way #and it's annoying to me. bc it's his business only. hes wonderful exactly how he is. u should not pressure him to do something hes uncomfy #and u can prefer a more flashy idol but that doesnt mean that automatically jh's own self expression is 'bad'#hope i dont sound like a bitch but i wanted to post this bc of jh saying hes going to change his hair soon #apple lady words #i feel like this all comes back to nuance bc u can love his different hair but dont make it seem like hes boring if hes not going out of hi #comfort zone #and ik most fans respect him but some fans come across as 'owning' him and feeling like they have the final say in regard to his body #which is what i have a problem with #maybe im making a mountain out of a mole hill or this isnt even a problem #but idk. posting it. oh well #edit: this is directed at nobody

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lovelyrotter · 1 year ago

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haldirk period sex. is this anything

#my t #common gross thing so im not using the ship tag #yknow what actually i know what yall like im gonna tag it #haldirk #dirkhal #cw menstruation #but they just seem to be the type to do that #hal being fascinated by blood is the core thing here #even tho menstrual fluid isnt like. actual blood. but yknow what i mean #but hes fascinated in the way that it keeps dirk alive and runs all through him and makes him warm #he loves dirks pulse bc he doesnt have one anymore #sometimes hal just wants to measure dirks pulse while theyre sitting together or cuddling. like he'll actually take a measuring #measuring your partners pulse as a form of deep intimacy >>>>>>#he loves feeling it where ever he can feel it on dirks body but especially from inside him #and dirks periods are fuckin miserable. they make his joints ache gives him migraines the whole deal #so sometimes he wants to warm hals synthetic dick and have it vibrate for a while #and hal likes the visual of both being in him and having smth that vibrantly red seep out of him w/o it being yknow a wound #hahaha...........i should write this

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softness-and-shattering · 1 month ago

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#omg some people do not even bother to fact check anything and base their political + moral opinion on ignorance #just saw 'this is bs youre just saying that a lot of african countries speak arabic bc you want to make out arabs as colonisers and #flip the script and lie'#have they never heard of the muslim conquest? the caliphates?#this is up there with only europeans can colonise #do people think colonisation just popped into existence whole cloth with christopher columbus?#that there were no empires beforehand??? or that empires are exclusively white???#no hm maybe they have a point what languages are spoken in africa yeah it is kinda weird so many of them speak arabic #do they kniw egyptians wwre coptic. koptic? that cleopatra was greek.#do they think the mongols were white. what is these peoples knowledge of history #literally 'you must be wrong because the narrative I know doesnt match the facts youre claiming and I wont even bother to check'#ive been sitting on a joke about we should call jordan the country cisjordan bc it used to be transjordan #back whrn it existed both sides of the jordan river shortly after the whole area was palestine #but the british decided to chop ot up and give jordan to...the hashemites? i think and then what was left re-became palestine #but i dont tuink its worth it bc people wont get it and theyll just get mad about a dumb joke because they dont like the history #so.im being a lil pathetic.amd.hiding it.in my tags #and like. ive been pretty quiet i think anout i/p for a long time but my patience is waning #and my side eye + benefit of the doubt is waning #if people want to be ignorant i cant help w that. doesnt mean I believe the propaganda straight up #it.is. quite difficult. to make up ones own mind and try draw the truth between lots of rightfully intense emotions and lots of.....#performatively high emotions lets call.it #i cant force people to.play nice or be sensible or reasonable or curious or open #i dont like becoming more closed off but i need to.pull that boundary a little tighter for myself so I can stay safe enough to be open #reach for the plow instead of reaching for the sword as my friends would say. work to learn the ways of peace not the ways of war #i just have. Feelings. yknow.#might delete #mine

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hauntingblue · 6 months ago

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Jaya time

I love these moments of nearly cosmic horror when they encounter inexplicable things (at first) they are so intriguing

Is strawhat here?! *Megan thee stallion saying AAH 😜*

This cover just goes hard... Get it chopper

#usopp and luffy wanting to go to skypiea and nami only gets it going when luffy says she won't do it cause she can't... now it's personal #robin getting nami an eternal pose..... yeah exactly #luffy eating takoyaki immediately after he finds an octopus... sanjis speed is no joke #THE FUCKING GUY SHOOTING THE SEAGULL IS THE ONE IN BLACKBEARDS CREW!!!! DAMN #dying swiftly or not is result of your actions??? i guess man whatever #FUCKING BURGESS TOO!!! and the fucking transing your gender virus maker.... here luffy doesnt explode!!!#teach and luffy having complete opposite opinions on everything.... having bad vibes immediately.... incredible its like luffy knew #luffy doesnt fight bellamy bc he isnt worth the fight sinply bc they have different ideals... yeah.. also emerald city when #the pirates that do it for the money and the pirates that do it for their dreams... which is weird bc luffys foil (?) is blackbeard #also a d also a pirate with dreams (the same one even?) but they go about it in two different ways still.... compelling #why dies luffy think about shanks and ace when he hears teach outside the bar i an going insane... why does luffy just stare at him #WHAT ARE YOU THINKING LUFFY!! DOES HE SEE HIM AND SEE COMPETITION??? THATS WHY SHANKS AND ACE TELLING HIM TO BE A GOOD PIRATE??#how do they know about the them. why do they not tell anyone. to this day they havent said A WORD #noland was also from 400 years ago.... we got joyboy noland and toki #also are the next cover stories about ace.... please......... i need to see him #el señor de la noche moment (luffy fighting bellamy) draws near... i am so excited #i love ace being a hobo and just jumping on whatever boat he can find to eat and sleep and nobody refuses bc he's with whitebeard ajdjajkqw #ALSO I MISSED YOU KING!!!! COME BACK TO MEEEE #gorusei kuma and doffy first appearance omg... hello everyone #'if we let redhair act more than its sufficient it could be problematic' does this mean they can control him? shanks sus evidence n.1 #'redhair is not one to change the world on his own' is he waiting for luffy??? is that it?? is shanks rogers successor to aid joyboy???#he told something to shanks before dying about laughtale and left that work for him so thats why he went after the one piece right after #joyboy manifested in luffy. thats why he refused so outright to buggy when he proposed to sail together to find it... maybe shanks not evil #lafitte was a cop and is the one to propose blackbeard as shichibukai? for some reason even if he hasnt done anything yet ✍️#whitebeard appearance... loving this in between arc issues even if they are not in between arcs... in between islands arc i guess #see??? why does benn beckman care about what the gov thinks... why would they give af and why would they even think about it #fucking blackbeard was after luffy..... but he 'settled' for ace i am going to be sick #blackbeard should have died when the knock up stream destroyed his ship what happened there....#also i didnt notice cricket smoking so much and trembling akdhsksjk he is hoping he didnt send luffy to die #reading one piece

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florida3exclamationpoints · 6 months ago

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#SORRY im mad about my stupid college again #WHY do they require so many internhip hours??????#no wait i KNOW why. bc the chef who runs the program is EVIL AND STUPID #he literally thinks he as a chef is gods gift to this earth. he thinks CHEFS are gods gift to this earth but only if they agree with him.#however. gods gift to this earth do NOT deserve breaks. ('chefs dont get breaks' is a direct quote)#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change #and he loves the power of being the program head. (and most students' advisor)#and he can say im preparing you to be the best!!!!! and get away with it #and he doesnt respect pastry chefs. and guess what i am hahahah #like i know the culinary industry is toxic and most chefs are jerks. but bakeries are very different from restaurants #so i thought i could handle some jerky chefs during school and get my degree and go work in a bakery #(i can handle some jerky chefs)#the problem was that a jerky chef ran the program as if you were already working in the worst restaurant environment imaginable #and he only taught like everyone wanted to be world renown chefs of 5 star parisian restaurants that take 4 years to get a reservation #(which is crazy that he thinks hes qualified to get other people to that level but ok.)#and thats great for people who want that! but some people (me) just want a cute little bakery!#also ! its advertised as a 2 year associates program #which. is true that you'll only get an associates degree out of it #but 2 years is including summer semesters. sorry i don't think thats how that works. i think thats 3 years #2 years for people who decide to do extra and take summer semesters.#and i think the only realistic way to complete the internship hours is to take an off semester and only do the internship #so you're not doing it at the same time as classes #but that adds a minimum of 1 semester and maximum 2 #or if you cram the spring and fall semesters to have summer off and do the internship during summer #summer semesters are shorter. so youd have less weeks to complete the same amount of hours #it is simply not a 2 year program for the average person!!!!!!#i was IN COLLEGE FOR 2 YEARS!!!!!! AND I ONLY TOOK 1 (ONE) PASTRY CLASS!!!!!! I SHOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO GRADUATE!!!!!!!!!!!#and what do you MEAN you expect me to be in college for 3 years and only get an associates degree out of it. no thank you #its almost like...... an associates degree requires 2 years of schooling........ and theres too much happening in this program.......#bc the man in charge of it is power hungry and wants to control people and thinks chefs need to be beat into shape.......

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swag-system · 7 months ago

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THEYRE SENDING MY ASS TO THE GAS STATION TO DO CUSTOMER SERVICE!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

#scott speaks #I DONT WANT TO DO CUSTOMER SERVICE I WANT TO LAY IN MY BED AND ARGUE WITH MIKE #i should not be forced to work customer service. i should be paid 1 million dollars to just exist #ideal world: im paid a lot of money to just chill and do whatever #and its enough money that i have extra so i can doordash mike a bunch of food whenever i feel like it.#<- IN A MEAN WAY BCS I HATE MIKE!!#but noooo instead i have to go do stupid job that doesnt even give me that much money #what fucking EVERRRR at least im not a teenager anymore

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gibbearish · 10 months ago

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are we really back to "oh you support (blank)? name ten people who (do/are) that right now or else youre lying for allyship points and everything you have to say should be disregarded". i thought we left that back in like. 2012 misogynist nerdbro culture

#i have seen it on two entirely separate topics lately and its like. hello?????#'if you cant name 10 trans authors off the top of your head you shouldnt be talking about trans issues full stop.#i dont think thats an unreasonable expectation for anyone wanting to engage in rational discourse' how about we all go outside #because like yeah i couldnt name you too many trans authors but given my transgenderismness i think i do in #fact still deserve a seat at the table. and i dont think there should be a prerequisite academic education level to be allowed to talk.#'but you could find them for free-' yes‚ you can‚ but people should still be allowed to a) choose what they read based #off of what interests them and not mildly-to-extremely dense nonfiction writing and still Talk About Their Own Lives And Have #Opinions #shockingly not reading a lot of one specific type of author doesnt prevent a person from having reasonable and valuable opinions #if youre not capable of parsing someones argument because theyre not well-read enough then that just imo means you dont actually understand #the things youve read to be able to give them a synopsis #this isnt school. we're not being graded. there is no required reading and you are perfectly capable of giving people an #explanation on your stances if theyre unfamiliar with them #i had a b) but i dont remember what it was‚ i think it probably was part of what i covered there that i thought was a separate thought #but yeah just like. idk you can just say 'hey i would really recommend reading xyz but to summarize‚ (thing that disproves them)'#it is not . difficult to either Explain yourself or‚ if that is not possible‚ Not be condescending to the person youre not willing to teach #for not knowing #ill stop there bc ive already done that ramble before but. yes #origibberish #edit: ok upon reread i got turned around and switched from addressing the less educated one conveying their arguments #to the more well read one #bc that was the b is i was gonna talk about both #yall get what i mean though just like. split it in half and flip it turnways

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elegyofthemoon · 1 year ago

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ik the point of that anon ask like a day? two days ago (idk what day it is o 7 o) was not to respond but whoever sent that 'letter' ish you stole my heart and i'd buy you a bouquet if i could with your favorite flowers

#i love letters !!!#i love sending my friends letters ;; v ;;#i wonder if i should do some for christmas #if this exam doesnt get pushed back like i hope #im actually getting a two week holiday by accident LOL #so itd be cool to actually use the time to do some things for friends ;; v ;;#anyways i think about that message a lot it was honestly really sweet and aldksjfah i didnt think i was capable of making others feel that #*way laksjdfhlkjh #snow speaks #i cant words properly with like how much it means to me its more im just happy if im able to make you feel a little more like yourself!!#or that youre able to feel a little lighter #youre probably a close friend tbh and i wont say who bc i dont want to be wrong and make myself look like a fool #but ;; v ;; if you feel lighter or more like yourself then thats what you deserve!#anyways i tried to not respond to the message but i just love it a lot slkdjfahlh #OH YEAH I NEED TO RETAG ALL THAT #for when im down ! and then i can go read those and go ; v ;

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new #email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head #by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start #to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do #specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared #so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently #but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have #to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it #like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense #oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took #university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it #ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep #tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts #jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds #like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write #and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated #which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust #and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset #itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me #unrelated

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bunnyb34r · 2 hours ago

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I know that the best thing I can do rn is focus on surviving and focus on my personal life/what I can control. I know that in order to do that, I should avoid the news or at least 90% of it. I know that the chances of things being as catastrophic as my brain thinks is not 100% certain.

I know this.

But I want to die. I'm so fucking scared man. Like we are doomed doomed it feels. Again I want to believe that good will prevail but God do I have little fucking hope.

It's hard to explain these fears in therapy bc I can't be like "Haha yeah this all makes me so scared that I have an Out plan in mind if it comes to a civil/world war"

Bc that would get me into the psych ward for "having an active plan"

Like I don't have a fucking timeline/date, but I like have had an Out plan in my mind since I was 13. Like... it's passive, but I do have a set plan yknow?

Anyway how do I not feel doomed? How do yall keep up the mental energy and sanity to keep going?

#marquilla #im fine im not gonna utilize my plan im just saying that the criteria of how they deal with suicidality is fucked bc like ive been like this #since 13?? ofc i have an idea/plan of what im gonna do should it ever fucking come to that? that doesnt mean im gonna act on it but like...#yknow how do you explain that 'yeah ive almost done it several times in life so ive thought a great deal ab it.' bc those thoughts magically #dont disappear when you get better lmao like you dont forget all that yknow??? like no im not ACTIVELY planning but #idk im just suffocating with anxiety and grief rn and it really fucking feels like we're doomed #and like ik theres things i /could/ do (like protest or call my reps nonstop or whatever) but like i really think the best i CAN do rn is #check out for a bit politically (and acknowledge that privilege) to persevere my own sanity #bc i really wanna Go rn. i want out before it gets worse. im fucking scared. im tired of grieving what's going to be lost the lives the #livelihoods ect im just so fucking upset

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