#he thinks all chefs should work like dogs and SUFFER. and the industry should never change

[florida3exclamationpoints]

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[animemisogynist]

Fall 2017 Anime Season Preview

It’s almost time for a new season of anime, so here’s the first installment of what will hopefully become a regular feature here at Anime Misogynist: the season preview, where we tell you what’s worth watching before it’s even aired. Now, most sites are slow and lazy and wait until a show has aired an episode (or even three ghastly episodes, for shame!) to tell you whether or not it’s worth your time. However, here at AniMog we are more evolved; when you’re just using a show as a kind of Rorschach blot for your ideology, do you really need to see any of it before judging? The teaser paragraph and one image should be more than enough; frankly, the show doesn’t even need to be animated yet. Honestly, we could post our Summer 2019 Preview Guide right now. Still, we already wrote this one, so we’ll just go with this for now.

Note that these are not the only shows that are going to air this season, but they’re the only ones worth talking about; all the other shows are stupid nonsense that only chicks and cucks would watch. By the way, did you know “cuck” is the absolute best insult? I don’t know what it means, think maybe it has something to do with poultry, but by God, every time I use it I feel so manly and strong. Don’t be a cuck, cucks watch Gamers.

Returning/Continuing Shows

March Comes in Like a Lion, Season Two—First of all, as we’ve been over before, there are no goddamned lions on this show, which is a damned shame. Imagine if instead of a skinny teen moping around his apartment starving to death and wondering what new futon to buy, this show was about an actual lion that plays Shogi? Like, they go to that stuffy club where all the televised Shogi matches happen, then a Lion prowls in wearing a bowtie, and then someone goes ��Why is there a Lion in the stairwell?”, and he’s like, “Despite being leonine, I enjoy a stimulating game of Shogi every now and then, on languid afternoons,” but then halfway through the game he rips out someone’s jugular with his teeth, because he’s the king of the jungle and he has no patience for cerebral board game shit. That sounds like a pretty good show, but alas, it is not this show. Still, this show has Akari, who is really hot and pretty and one of our ideal waifus, so we’re probably going to watch it just for her. Watch if you like motherly, mature waifus, skip if you really want a waifu who will step on you.

Rating: 2/10

Fate/Apocrypha, Continuation—Look, I’m just going to throw something out here, it may sound crazy at first, but hear me out: What if all these people just stopped fighting over the Holy Grail?

I mean, think about it: every time we see the Holy Grail, it’s basically a cancerous tumor that has blown up to the size of a Dairy Queen, and it oozes pure evil in the form of black monster bile that burns your skin like acid. It’s supposed to grant wishes or something, but it’s been corrupted by the venal sins that lurk deep within the heart of man, and now it’s just a giant Bouncy House made of oozy suck. So maybe we could get a bunch of historical and mythical figures together, in these awesome, pimped-out costumes with big swords and lances, and have them do…I don’t know, literally anything BUT fight over the Holy Grail. Like, imagine Saber and Jeanne d’Arc starting a coffee shop, and tell me you would not watch that show in a hot second. It would be like Is the Order A Rabbit?, only with frequent disembowelment instead of a talking bunny.

Oh yeah, and speaking of Jeanne D’arc, it’s cool that she’s in this show: because if there’s one thing misogynists love, it’s seeing martyred young girls get empowered and kick righteous amounts of ass.

Rating: Malevolent Menstrual Tumor/10

Food Wars!, Season Three—An important disclaimer: this season, you can either watch Food Wars!, or one of the bishonen idol shows, but not both. Because if you try to watch both, what’s going to happen is that Food Wars! Is going to make you ravenously hungry, eat everything in sight, and gain 60 pounds. Then you’ll watch Dynamic Chord, and cry manly tears that you just gained a spare tire around your waist and will never have the lithe, willowy physique that men in otome game adaptations have, and in all likelihood, contemplate killing yourself. This is just another way the misandric anime industry tries to brutalize male feelings of self-worth, and we’re warning you now so you can take care of yourself; please practice proper self-care.

Anyway, as to the show itself, it’s pretty okay. There’s lots of fanservice from the girls, but the same girls who provide the fanservice are also awesome chefs who give the lead character a run for his money in the cooking competitions, and that’s messed up. Also, like its many predecessors, including Mister Ajikko and Yakitate! Japan, the show manages to harness all the excitement of shonen battle manga while sidestepping the hetero-masculine trope of using violence as progression, so it’s a good show to watch if you’re some fancy fuck who likes taking sociology classes.

Rating: Veal Piccata/10

Yuuki Yuna wa Yuasha de Aru: Yuuasha no Shou—It’s the second season of Yuuki Yuna, or as we like to call it, Poor Man’s Madoka. Honestly, we never watched the first season, so we have no idea if writing off this show as a Madoka Magica clone is fair, but that seems to be the consensus of opinion on the internet, and that’s all that really matters. Of course, if this show is a lot like Madoka, then it presents misogynists with the same fundamental problem as Madoka: it gives little girls magic and makes them very powerful (Misogyny BAD!), but it also puts those girls in situations where their powers do nothing except make them miserable and suffer horrendous fates (Misogyny GOOD!). Kind of puts us in a delicate position: “Why would you want to watch a show all about girls who kick ass?” “yeah, but they’re being put through a metaphorical meat grinder while they kick ass,” “irrelevant, the point still stands that you are watching a MAGICAL GIRL SHOW, explain this shit.”

So yeah, we’re not sure whether we recommend this show or not. We have someone in the back room crunching the numbers, trying to figure out if it’s more misogynistic to watch a show about females suffering than not to watch it at all on account of the stars being girls, but until we get a preliminary estimate back from our math guy, you’re on your own here.

Rating: Meguca is Suffering/10

Hoozuki’s Coolheadedness, Season Two—There’s a lot to talk about with this show, like the beautiful traditionally-styled Japanese art art, the quirky humor and the ingenuity of making a kind of slow-paced workplace comedy that happens to take place deep within the bowels of hell, but honestly, all that is overshadowed by wondering how the fuck this show even exists. See, there are four categories of anime: Moe anime (cute girls), Ecchi anime (sexy girls), Shonen Jump manga adaptations (shows where people punch each other for several hundred episodes), and Fujobait (shows for desperate-ass chicks.) Occasionally we get something that doesn’t know what the hell it wants to be, like Bungo Stray Dogs, but in general, most anime produced come in one of the aforementioned flavors. Hoozuki’s Coolheadedness is very much its own thing, meaning there’s only one explanation for how this show got made: it’s produced in an alternate dimension where anime has incredible artistic variety.

Maybe in the mysterious and wonderful dimension Hoozuki hails from, there’s an anime for every taste, Harmony Gold never got the rights to Macross, Cowboy Bebop is up to season 147, the director of Kemono Friends wasn’t fired, and Funimation can write an entire dub script without putting in a totally ham-handed reference to intersectionality? Maybe J.J. Abrams died in a horrible lens-flare related accident before he had a chance to announce his adaptation of Your Name? The possibilities are endless!

Come to think of it, that Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju show must also come from that dimension, since it doesn’t really fit any popular genre molds…neither does Joker Game. Neither does ACCA. Neither does Poco’s Udon World. Neither does The Morose Mononokean. Neither does Barakamon. Neither does Erased.

Hmmph. Either a lot of shows are somehow making it through the portal from the Antimatter Anime Dimension, or modern anime has a lot more variety than most people are giving it credit for. Must be lax security on those interdimensional portals….

Rating: Makes us question the nature of the multiverse/10

Himouto Umaru-Chan R (second season)—We love Umaru-chan! All hail goddess Umaru! Actually, we hate this show with a passion, because if it was gender-swapped and it was about an otaku dude who was a bum at home and acted like an asshole toward his sibling, everyone would call him a pathetic loser, but because Umaru’s a chick, it’s fine; just another example of this glaring double-standard at work. However, if the last time this show aired is anything to go by, in about a week from now every inch of the internet is going to be wallpapered with GIFs of chibi-Himaru rolling around in her Snuggie, guzzling liters of Coke, and you just can’t fight that level of media saturation. Like, it’s going to be that insufferable “Dude turning around to check out another woman while walking with his gf” meme, only the girlfriend is Umaru-chan, the other woman is also Umaru-chan, and even the cheating dude is Umaru-chan, but slightly taller. So in this case we’re adopting a philosophy of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” and pretending to be huge fans of the show; only dedicated AniMog readers will know that we’re actually liking it ironically, HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Because watching a show ironically is COMPLETELY different from just watching it normally, and earns you coolness points from God.

All that said we will (ironically) enjoy watching Umaru do her lazy secret otaku thing, and (ironically) enjoy the sundry references to otaku culture that the show will surely make. We look forward to the (completely insincere) joy we will experience with this series once again.

Rating: 11/10 (wink)

Idolmaster Side M—Once upon a time, idol anime were about cute girls, and all was right with the world. Then some schmuck decided to make an Idolmaster anime about guys, and it’s like, really? Wasn’t idol anime supposed to be the last area of anime that was just for the enjoyment of creepy dudes, now creepy chicks have displaced creepy dudes as the target audience? What are all the creepy dudes supposed to do now? Jump down a well?

Really, the way these idol anime objectify young men makes us sick, especially knowing it’s all being done for the enjoyment of drooling fujoshis who would probably die if they had to talk to a real guy IRL. At least there’s only one of these problematic male idol shows this season.

Rating: Hard to find a good well to jump down/10

New Shows

Dynamic Chord—Wait, actually there’s two problematic male idol shows this season, and this is the other one (and also, the show you should absolutely NOT WATCH if you’re going to do the Food Wars! thing.) From cursory inspection, it seems like a poor gal’s version of Uta no Prince-sama, and even UtaPri is a poor gal’s version of UtaPri, if you know what I mean. At least UtaPri has that slowly mounting tension as you wait for Evil Succubus Nanami to show her true colors and start snacking on the guys’ entrails, but it doesn’t look like there’s any of that intrigue here: just an endless stream of handsome, objectified males for women to put on a pedestal and deepen their aversion to real, flesh-and-blood men. At least there’s only TWO of these problematic male idol shows this seas--OH WAIT, FUCK--

TsukiPro The Animation-- God is a Fujoshi, and we live at her pleasure; That’s the only explanation. Even if we were to die, there would be no escape from armies of emaciated male idols crooning insipid JPOP for all eternity. If you want a vision of the future, imagine a singing, pink-haired bishounen in a sparkly tuxedo stepping on a dude’s face, forever.

Rating: Orwell Reference WE SO CULTURED/10

My Girlfriend is a Faithful Virgin Bitch—Okay, we are not falling for it this time. You’d think a show that goes so far as to call the female lead a bitch in the title would be a field day for misogynists, but whenever anime promises us a show that seems like it’s for us, it’s always a damned trap. Remember when Keijo!!!!!!!! was supposedly this super-misogynist show, so much so that trashy online magazines were writing hit pieces on it? How did that turn out? Oh right, the female fanbase was so fucking empowered by that show they went out and invented a whole new sport. If that show was supposed to make women feel bad about themselves and stay home, then someone was asleep at the fucking wheel there, ya think? Oh, and remember a few years back, when people were all offended over The Pet Girl of Sakurasou because of the titular “pet” girl, thinking the girl was being treated poorly, and the show turned out to be about creative genius and the psychological toll it takes on the people geniuses rely on for support? And remember when people said that Kuma Miko was…wait...well, okay that show WAS hella misogynist, but that was like, the one time. It was bound to happen once.

Anyway, the point is that we no longer believe shows that dangle the promise of wymyn-hating in front of us like a carrot. More likely, “Virgin Bitch” will end up being about how women will dominate the STEM fields of the future, and the Virgin Bitch will only be a virgin because she’s too busy developing a new form of clean energy from discarded takoyaki containers to have any time for sex.

Rating: WTF is a “Shobitch?”/10

Anime-Gataris—It’s a show about an anime club, kind of like Genshiken from the sound of it. Except, you know how at the beginning, Genshiken was mainly about dudes, but by the end it was a couple of sweaty fujoshi yelling about whether or not bald dudes were hot? Well life seems to be imitating art here, because we have now reached the point where our “anime nerds go act like nerds” shows are all-female. I mean, I hate to be a broken record here, since we’ve already railed about the tragedy of the generic male leads in Magical Girlfriend shows being replaced with women, but seriously, what roles are left for males? Soon the only dudes left are going to be Boruto’s Dad’s son, whoever Gintama is, and the baby seal from Go! Go! Goma-chan, assuming he is even a boy…I mean, how would you know? I wouldn’t know where to even look on a seal, to be honest.

Rating: Location of Seal Penis?/10

Net-juu no Susume—“Gee, Anime Misogynist is exaggerating here. Some of the roles traditionally filled by men in anime are opening up to female characters, sure, but it’s not like it’s happening everywhere or anything.” Yeah okay, this show is about a 30-something loser gamer NEET, the role that men were born to play, only the main character now has a blasted uterus, ARE YOU MAYHAPS NOTICING A PATTERN HERE GENIUS?

Rating: Soon Boruto Will Be All We Have Left/10

Black Clover—Yaaay, it’s a show with a male lead who isn’t an objectified pop singer! Except it’s one of those shows where a guy wants to become a great magician, and how many of those have there been already? At least with The Irregular at Magic High School people could sidestep the dullness of the premise by arguing on Twitter over whether or not Ayn Rand was smoking crack back in the day, but I doubt we’ll get any such stimulating political discussions here. Apparently the hero gains the power of Anti-Magic, so maybe he’ll be like Touma from A Certain Magical Index, and this show is just a means to an end until we get the inevitable Railgun-esque sequel that focuses entirely on the female cast? Fuck, that’s probably exactly what’s going to happen. Skip this show and stop the next Raildex loli phenomenon before it starts: only YOU can prevent another Kuroko.

Rating: Only My Railgun Is A Good Song Tho/10

UQ Holder: Mahou Sensei Negima! 2—If you think this is the kind of blog that does actual research before we post anything, then I have some very bad news for you. However, after the extremely minimal amount of online goofing off we did before writing this post, we got the impression that this is based on the manga Ken Akamatsu really wanted to make, when he made Negima!, only he had to make Negima! first for some reason? Or maybe the second half of Negima! was the manga he really wanted to make, and this is the sequel to the thing he wanted to make, so he super-duper-wanted to make it? Not really clear on the details here. However, if what we remember about Akamatsu from the Love Hina era is still valid, what he REALLY wants to do is play MMORPGS all day, so we should let his show fail so he can do that; that’s what he wants, deep down, probably.

Rating: Let Gamers Game/10

Wake Up, Girls! Shin Shou—It’s more WUG, the idol show that somehow keeps getting made despite the fact that idol fans hate it and no one else will touch it with a ten-foot pole. How do these seasons keep getting funded? Maybe it’s one of nature’s mysteries, like how bumblebees can somehow fly despite the fact that the calculations show that they really shouldn’t be able to. We’d say that it comes from the AntiMatter Anime Dimension, except that whole concept is predicated on the notion that the people who live in that dimension have shockingly good taste. At least by its very presence, this show is balancing out the alarming number of male idol shows this season, but to be honest, if WUG is your only alternative for idol waifus, you may as well just turn gay already.

Rating: Taste the Rainbow/10

Urahara—It’s about three girls who want to protect Harjuku’s culture from some evil aliens, somehow. Now it would be one thing if it was say, Akiba culture they were protecting, but Harajuku? Isn’t Harajuku all gothic Lolita fashion and shit, like chicks wearing those tiny little top hats on their heads that are about five times too small to be actual hats, and their heads must be really chilly? We’re watching this show to root for the aliens, because seriously FUCK those tiny little hats, take them into space, either wear a fucking hat on your head or don’t 

Rating: Extraterrestrials and Questionable Haberdashery/10

Juuni Taisen—Having done no research, we don’t know anything about this show, but at first glance, it appears to be a ripoff of Fate/Stay Night, only themed around the Chinese Zodiac instead of badass historical figures holding pointy things. In that case, we’re going to give this show the same advice we gave to Fate/Apocrypha: Stop fighting over the Holy Grail, it’s overrated! Unless this is the one instance where the Chinese knock-off is better than the original, in which case, as you were, gentlemen.

Rating: Incoming Hate Mail From China/10

Blend S— On a surface level, this show sounds good; a girl takes a job as a waitress at a role-playing café, and she gets assigned the role of a extreme sadist, so maybe we can anticipate some sexy dominatrix-type action. However, once you think about it, the premise falls apart; we finally get an anime about a dominatrix, only the girl doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s probably going to be all sweet and kind and innocent, and only in episode 12 will she get five seconds where she acts the part properly. The entire show is probably going to be about her coming into her own budding sexuality or whatever, in a totally healthy way, and it’ll be about as kinky as an episode of pre-HBO Sesame Street (don’t get us started on what HBO did to our girl Abby Cadabby.)

Dammit, remember that show Amanchu! from a few seasons back that was supposed to be about scuba diving, but the bitches didn’t even really go scuba diving until episode 12? Why can’t we have a show be about what it says it’s about from episode 1? Is that really too fucking much to ask?

Rating: Make a Goddamned Commitment to Your Premise, Please/10

Kujira no Kora wa Sajou ni Utao—We interrupt your regularly scheduled Anime Misogynist to bring you something that has nothing do with misogyny, but really should be mentioned. The synopsis of this show says that the main character is an archivist on a floating island called Mud Whale. “Mud Whale.” There is only one way this came about:

J.C. Staff Executive 1: “Damn, we only have 3 shows so far this season, and according to the venerable J.C. Staff Company Charter, we must have at least four. Anyone got any pitches for another show?”

J.C. Staff Executive 2: “I have two words for you: Mud Whale.”

J.C .Staff Executive 1: “Get me a script by Monday. And that’s why we’re the best goddamned cartoon company in this industry, kids.” *puffs on huge cigar* “Eat your heart out, Kyoto Animation.”

Rating: Inspiring anime studio fanfiction/10

FILMS

Free! Take Your Marks—If you somehow resisted the urge for self-harm Dynamic Cord and its brethren inspired in you, you can go to your local cinema and torture yourself with images of the perfect abs of the Free! boys. Being Free!, presumably this film will be filled with lots of striking images of lean, beautiful boys swimming in beautiful, sparkling swimming pools, so it’s maybe worth watching if you have some kind of a fantasy about belonging to a really nice country club that doesn’t allow fat people. Otherwise, avoid like the plague.

Rating: TOXIC MALE BODYSHAMING/10

Fate/Stay Night [Heaven’s Feel] 1. Presage Flower—What number adaptation of the same 2004 visual novel are we up to already? They’ve been making these F/SN anime for over a decade, and it’s not like they’re adapting a whole sequence of visual novels or something; they’re literally adapting different parts of the same game. For a decade. This is where Fate fans jump up and say “But Heaven’s Feel is about Sakura and Rider, it’s TOTALLY different than Fate and UBW!” You mean to tell me that somewhere during the last five anime productions in this franchise, they couldn’t have found some time for Sakura and Rider? Maybe they could have edited out those scenes in Fate/Zero when people just walked in circles around each other and smirked, then they would have had enough time for poor little Sakura to have her day in the sun.

The fact that this franchise has been dragged out for so long, with so much repetition (since there’s a lot of overlap between the routes) is by far the worst thing about it—and we’re saying this about a series where King Arthur has been known to experience menstrual cramps. Oh, and stop fighting over the Holy Grail, it blows.

Rating: As I Pray, Unlimited Adaptation SpamWorks/10

TV Short

Taishou Chicchai-san: The Bad News: it’s based on a Boys Love game, because as previously established, God is a Fujoshi and she’s also a greedy bitch who wants all anime to herself. The Good News: it takes place during the Taishou era (1912-1926), so everyone involved is probably going to die of cholera before things get super-gay.

Rating: They could also die of polio/10

Osake wa Fuufu ni Natte Kara: A short anime about a tipsy wife who enjoys her husband’s cocktails, because apparently someone thought I Can’t Understand What My Husband is Saying had too ambitious a premise and they needed to scale it back. Why is she the only one enjoying his cocktails though? Does he ever get any cocktails? Maybe it’s a “she cooks, he makes the drinks,” situation, but you know damned well there is no cooking going on, lazy ass drunk girl is probably microwaving Healthy Choice meals for him every night. And is that a filling dinner? No, it is not, he will likely be hungry again by 9 p.m.

Rating: File for divorce/10

OVAS

Is The Order a Rabbit? Dear My Sister—We don’t actually care about this show, but we feel the need to point out something that’s been bugging us for years; shouldn’t the name of this show be localized as “Did Somebody Order a Rabbit?” Wouldn’t that be a much catchier English title, with proper syntax and whatnot? Anyway, if you like watching cute girls drink coffee, this franchise is basically the Citizen Kane of cute girls drinking coffee, so knock yourself out, I guess.

Rating: Also there is a tea shop/10

Encouragement of Climb, Omoide Present—This may come as a surprise, but Encouragement of Climb may just be our most hated anime here at Anime Misogynist. Why? Well, if we have to live in a world where the premise of 99% of anime is “cute girls do a thing,” the least they can do is try something awesome, like climbing mountains (although, to be fair, “Cute girls ride thoroughly realistic armored tanks,” is pretty good too.) So we had high hopes for this show, only to discover that this show’s version of “climbing” is what your Great-Aunt Estelle from Boca Raton considers a leisurely stroll. Seriously, these girls buy backpacks and sundry equipment from Campmor, only to do these little pedestrian hikes on gentle hills that even toddlers and the elderly can do. If the premise of the show is mountain climbing, then for God’s sake, climb Everest. Climb K2; take your hobby SERIOUSLY, dammit. But no, Encouragement of Climb makes the Boy Scout Jamboree look like the absolute epitome of outdoor sportsmanship.

Now that there’s a new OVA, we can only hope this show is going to do what it should have done in the first place, and show the girls climbing an actual fucking mountain, like with climbing spikes and ropes and….oh. Oh. Oh God, no. Just saw the preview and what does it say? “The OVA centers on a certain item that relates to the memories of Aoi and Hinata.” They ain’t gonna climb SHIT, are they? Fuck you, Encouragement of Climb, you could have encouraged us to climb but you never have and you never will.

Rating: DISCOURAGED/10

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We hope that this timely feature will help you navigate the confusing and sometimes scary smorgasbord of swiftly moving drawings available this season. Now would be the standard time to request that you donate to our Patreon, except as sitting board members on the International Council of Patriarchy, we have no use for something as plebeian as currency. If you would still like to support Anime Misogynist, because you are a nice and high-quality person, please let all your friends know about the value of looking at anime through a misogynist lens: the nuanced, rigorous media criticism of the future.

[brokeballer]

N.O.Stalgia: A 10-Step Survival Guide For Missing New Orleans

1. When you do find yourself missing New Orleans (and you will), don't beat yourself up about it. Know that in so doing, you are part of an international fraternity/sorority of lovers and lawyers, politicians, professors and pizza deliverers, accountants and a whoooooole lot of artists who feel the same deliciously damned way. You can call it the Krewe of N.O.stalgia if you like. Join your Krewe kin for a swim in the bittersweet streams of beads and beignet dust and recognize that the reason your sadness is so great is because you found a place that gives you a happiness even greater.

2. Try to find an objective space inside of yourself that recognizes your affliction from a separate perspective. You can call it the Krewe of Calm Conscience if you like. The captain of my Krewe has a dispassionate-yet-kindish male doctor's voice; kind of a cross between HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and Dug the Dog from Up. He says things like: “I notice you're missing New Orleans again. It's okay. Quite a common ailment, actually; especially on Ash Wednesday. Try not to be overwhelmed by the symptoms, but if you need to, purge. Your purging will taste like an Angels on Horseback po-boy on Napoleon and St. Charles, sound like Bourbon and smell like Canal. Don't worry; I'll clean up after you. Your insurance will cover it.”

3. Remind yourself that the place that you're leaving New Orleans for is the place where your moves are based. It may not be “Home”, but it is headquarters. It is the launchpad from which your dreams will take flight. The ground for your grind. And the seeds you plant in this soil of service will reap a harvest which will fund your next ticket to New Orleans. Miss NOLA, do you? Me too. But this is where you earn your return. So getcha money, yurd me? Streetcar ain't da only green thing that'll take ya back up St. Charles, ya know?

4. Stay busy. Ya prolly got a stack of work ya left behind to go down dere. Get it in. Oh, ya finished, huh? Well I know ya wasn't working out too steady when ya was down dere second-linin' and daiquiri-drankin', so getchu a li' workout in. If you need any suggestions on books to read, movies to watch, or music to get into, hit me up. I gotchu. Rule #1 only works if you don't stay there. But if you just sit dere and think about how much you miss New Orleans, then yes, you will be depressed, my behhh-beh.

5. Shake up your routine. Part of the anticlimactic effect of leaving New Orleans is knowing your destination probably doesn't have as ready a supply of magic. Indeed, few places do. But there is some magic to be made in changing up your everyday. I kinow dey prolly won't have no parade or no second-line band waitin' for you at the airport and your gym will be playing the same old music (more Meghan Trainor than Meters) and your supervisor will be back to stressing you out over petty stuff. But even the old stuff won't be so bad if you find new ways to deal with it. So create some new habits. Find some new hangout spots. Getcha “staycation” on. Build you a NOLA shrine atcho crib with all dat stuff you caught at da parades. Carnival is a celebration of life. So honor Carnival and the Crescent by continuing to celebrate when you return to your “re-guh-luh” life.

6.Find/start a support group. In the DMV area (DC/Maryland/Virginia, for those who don't know), we have the Louisiana Network. They organize cookouts, trips to Saints games, charity drives, political awareness, and more. But you could probably also find you some other “Ex-Pat Who Dats” (shout out to my sister Courtney who came up with that name for her fantasy football team) among your own friends and fellow travelers who will feel your pain. Talk to them about how they get through. (In the education industry, we refer to this as “sharing best practices”.)

7. Eat your feelings. Even a pity party needs a buffet, yurd me?! I'm sure one of the things you miss about New Orleans has to be the food. And I know the further you go from the Boot, the less authentic the so-called “southern cuisine”. In fact, I could hear y'all now, complainin' 'bout: “Dey don't DO it right! It ain't da SAME! Dey don't know how ta SEASON nuttin' up here, yurd me?!” But surely there must exist some reasonable facsimile; at least enough to hold you over until your next trip home. Here in DC, I like Bayou in Georgetown. Acadiana is nice too (if a little pricier). And if all else fails, pull out your Zatarain's mix and make it happen like once a week. If you didn't generally cook a lot before this and manage to get friends involved too, you'll have managed to combine rules 4 through 7 at the same damn time!

8. Share the spirit with others. The city ain't sing you all dem songs so you could keep 'em to yaself, ya know? Share your stories, photo albums, and swag with everyone who'll receive them. Spin your spells splendidly enough and you might could seduce a new breed of NOLA converts and thus afford to mob up on that Air B&B joint you were looking at near the Quarter come next Mardi Gras/Jazz Fest/Essence Fest/Bayou Classic.

9. Retox. For some addictions, you must detox(ify) yourself in order to heal. But New Orleans is a different kind of addiction. Sufferers of N.O.stalgia despair because they feel they can't get over the energy. So don't try to get over it. Get with it. Reintoxicate yourself. Let the energy of the city lift you out of your sadness. Don't think of this energy as something that's apart from you; think of it as something that's inside of you. Give a decadently deep French kiss to the bong of the Bayou and take a pull of dat Crescent City cannabis sativa until all dat musical, magical, sensual smoke makes moss of your lungs. If you're an artist, your means should be most obvious. Capture that swamp-surfing firefly in the jar of your genre. Put some Pontchartrain on your paintbrush, some Sachere's in your song, some Tipitina's in your tomes, and some Chef Menteur in your microphone. Dem people 'round ya don't know yo' song. But you do. Pay homage to your muse by putting some New Orleans into everything you do.

10. And now, finally, laugh. Have a rich, hearty, Zapp's flavored laugh atcha self for even thinking you could really ever "leave" a place like New Orleans. And laugh atcha self some mo', you sweet silly soul, for forgetting to remember that New Orleans is so much more than a physical place; it is, rather, a place in your heart, and you couldn't leave it if you wanted to. Ya done made love ta da Mardi Gras, behhh beh. Done orgasmed the Mississippi and gotcha self pregnant with a king cake baby named Memories. Now pass da baby on to a friend so the next party be on dem, yurd me? But in the meantime, do laugh. Make your face resemble the Comedy mask from our iconic Carnival symbol even as your heart feels more like the Tragedy. And in those quiet moments when you suddenly “hear” something faint and familiar, don't be alarmed. Know that it's just the sound of a stray horn in the French Quarter hitting the refrain of its siren song calling you home. Know that physically, you'll be back. And know that spiritually, you never left.