#i haven’t been able to rly let myself enjoy my new job without stressing about whether it’s enough

[banghwa]

genuine question how do u get over ur fear of existing

[nbsilvally]

getting some thoughts because it’s getting closer to my birthday, about myself, about my birthday, and the past few years in my current developments

it’s a... really long post so please if you’re reading it, like it or just take the time to read it.

cw serious depression? maybe suicide talk

it’s another holiday season approaching me and last year i managed to have a birthday i could enjoy with friends.  but this year, i really don’t have anyone here in person to celebrate with and it sucks a bit.  I have my mom and I could go to the game shop for a bit, but rly i don’t have any friends i could just call up and say “hey, let’s hang” at this moment.  a lot of folks are going out of town for my birthday or with family and it leaves me in a point where i’ve also had my birthday forgotten by everyone in a near sixteen candles experience on my 21st and been told to shut up about it and how it’s not that special when i was 19 and excited about it (yes, i remember it.)

i’ve always been feeling outcast and i don’t know if it’s me or majority of people just act cautiously around me because like i feel like no one knew how to really talk to me without treating me like i’m inexperienced or stupid and it just, i get it.  At times, i’m hard to talk or i can make things feel forced but it’s not like i mean to (i still apologize if i ever put you in a position like that and please understand if i message you that you can just get back to me whenever).  It’s hard to feel included in friend groups or circles and i guess i always been sort of a group hopper w/ a set of friends who i just stick to between groups or interests.  I don’t feel comfortable sticking my foot in just one circle i guess.  It’s hard to describe,

It’s just weird because 23 is my first real adult birthday i feel.  I’m out of school, i’m out of a job temporarily, all i’m doing is stressing over bills and work, i’m still planning how i’m gonna start saving money with the new job, and there’s a lot incoming in the next few weeks that I don’t know how i’ll handle tbh.  I’ve been forced to be on my own working w/ Walmart (well until i got fired). So I realized how cut off from people in person I’ve become.

This year is also closing too so I guess 2017 + 22 has been... an experience of itself.  There’s a lot I wanna say to specific people and I can’t fully express my emotions right now because my head is a jumble but i also had no background noise.  

Let’s start with just myself.  Self discovery was a huge thing.  I’ve really neglected my own health and old habits really kept me in spots along with struggling w/ depression and i guess separation anxiety. There’s another thing I’ve always wondered if I had but I can’t say until I check w/ a professional.   However, let’s focus on the positives....?  I’ve learned to finally cope with being alone, sort of.  It’s been a couple of years where Zan finally been focusing on school and I haven’t fully had a chance to just grow on my own when he and I constantly talked.  So when he’s been busy, I’ve been forced to let go of Codependency.  I had to learn to take care of myself and stop pitpatting my feet around and buckle down.  The issue was when I was school, I feel like there was a level of things I could focus and buckle down on, while now on my own, I couldn’t really not focus.  Now I’m focusing trying to break out of doing things dependent on others.  It’s not easy but I was talking with Ven and I’m half considering taking long walks/jogs every now and then up to Walmart and back (~3 hours just walking).  I’m unfortunately really picky but I... really need to work on eating better.  I just haven’t been able to escape these mindsets but I will get to it when I build the courage the take the step.

I still have a lot to work on but I’m going to be 23.  I have time.  I will work on my goals and buckle down this year and hopefully by next year this time, I’ll be out of South Carolina.

Now, to people who just helped me through it out.

Zan, my boyfriend and my love and light, you’ve done a lot, just working hard on your own.  We haven’t had time to do many dates because you’re busy with school or with Addy and your life outside the computer, but it’s okay.  I know you’re working hard and we’re trying to find little things to do together and talk about again recently.  I’ve missed moments where we could call and sleep together, whispering sweet things to each other and just say I love you, but it’s good we’re independent because if we’re as dependent as we were on another, it’d fall me back into codependency and I can’t afford to just live based off what you’re doing.  I’m going to grow and when we see each other again, I will show you I’m doing my best, and I can’t wait to see you again.

Ven, 2017 was the year we really did become best friends.  I met you vaguely 2 years ago and really, I couldn’t ask for anyone better.  Meeting you in person?  It really showed me good things do happen to those who wait in a year of disasters and messes.  I couldn’t be prouder of you too.  You’ve grown stronger, even through the hardships and struggles you’ve been through yourself.  We’ve talked about my feelings a lot and you’ve always been so considerate and even if you thought you said something that sounded wrong with problems, it wasn’t a problem because I knew you wouldn’t mean it in a bad way.  There’s just a level of even if I’m constantly apologizing or freaking out, I feel like I can do it comfortably around you because you’re just really comfortable to be around.  You’ve also helped me out in tight money spots and I wish I could pay you back in triple.  When you visited, I just got too excited to do everything, even if we couldn’t and if you happen to swing by again or whenever I’m there, I hope you know I’m going to be excited to travel around and explore, and that’s mainly because it’s with you.  I really appreciate you Ven and you’re one of most trusted, caring, and real friends I could ever ask for, and you honestly just... really taught me what a friend really feels like.

Seren, PokeRP on twitter was fun and you as Silvally and me as Lusamine crack rping was one of the best things i’ve had for a while we laughed and got together.  There was a level of my anxiety after discord’s stuff and i fled after the bot incident but I really do enjoy talking with you and learning your opinion on stuff, even if i might not agree (but YOU WAS RIGHT ABOUT USUM!!!!).  Your cosplay and art are really good and I admire your hardwork and effort a lot. I’m glad I decided to do pokerp, cause i met you.

Mix, you’re a pretty fantastic person to just talk with about visual novels and anime and learning a LOT about all the general topics you know.  Sure, you speak a lot and it can be hard to keep up sometimes, but I still try because you do provide a lot of helpful/interesting stuff and if there’s anything I can do too, I can go to you and you can be real.  Even if we clash heads a bit.  However, we have to just clash a bit to meet an understanding.  You’ve been through a long journey of learning and growing yourself and I can say you’ve changed from the Mix I’ve knew in 2011-2012.  

Emma, between meeting you w/ Total Drama and having similar interests, I think Tanboards is where I got to know you best honestly and between learning more about you and you tbh helping me learn about topics in general, it really has helped me grow.  I really appreciate you helping me out too a lot where I’ve been in tight spots, between signal boosting and money.  You’ve been a good friend and you really do deserve the best (so does all of Tanboards).

Appmon community, I never really got to know you until part 2 honestly, but I really felt welcomed into a fandom that was small but easy to talk with about the show.  We all really connected and it was amazing to watch w/ you guys weekly and experience the show, theorizing, talking, gushing over it.  Appmon movie when?

Fei, we don’t get to talk often but I appreciate you.  Really.  Sorry I don’t have much to say but I just really enjoy talking with you and getting to know you over the past few years has been one of the best friendships i’ve had. I really love your art too.

Free, same thing about not having been rly talking recently but your friendship means a lot to me and I really hope I can see you again.  I miss hanging w/ you in person. 

I have a lot more I can say but I’m tired but... If we’ve interacted, no matter how small its been, you’ve made a difference somehow,

even through the near suicide attempts I’ve made and the hard times where nothing seem positive and I’ve just wanted to just die or stop, you all made it an easier year to go through and here’s to 23 years, with every all of you there with me.  Thank you.  

Thank you so much.  I couldn’t get through this without all of you, no matter how much you’ve interacted with me.  It’s because of y’all that I’m still here.  Honestly.

[themillennialjunkiediaries]

Alright internet where no one rly listens to my annoying ass, I'm gonna have a talk with myself in public. Which really, isn't all that shocking because I've been talking to myself the entire time I've been alone because I'm sooooo spun. Plus this blog is like 40% a journal for me to talk about the things going on in my life. Also, don't even waste your time reading this shit, I just needed a big ass vent session abt life.

I'll start with the bad so I can end on a high note.

After days of being ignored by fp I finally split. I messaged him tonight, not even wanting his attention but I lost my fav nail polish and asked him if he could please look in his truck because it was pretty expensive and also my fav. He ignored me. So fuck him and especially fuck him for fucking with my feelings when he knows how fragile I am. My current task of self improvement is understanding and accepting that no one owes me anything including explaining why they leave me. I won't ask for that. I'm not going to block/delete him either, though. I've known him 16 years and if he needs me I'll be there for all the emotional support, I just won't see him anymore.

I'm officially down to my last $60 until I can manage to secure a job but I want to have the holidays with my family and don't want to start until Jan 2. This is a problem because I have habits to support and no way to do so without said job. I imagine I'll make something happen between now and then because I always do. Oh the life of an addict always finding a way to get high.

I'm skeptical about serving and the fast paced, super demanding, extremely socially interactive, and oh so loud environment I'll be in. It is going to stress me the fuck out and give my anxiety a hell of a time. However, being right off a huge interstate and the restaurant I hope to get on at means the tips will always be good. When a friend was going to start there she was promised $50 for a 4-5 hour shift during the slow times when she first started. Plus they don't pee test, always a huge bonus for me because getting pee or buying synthetic is a real pain.

One of my best (but god awful slow) plugs really stressed me tonight. I'm glad I finally scored and am in a positive mental space again, ready to face the split with fp and all the other things I have going on. But my girl, after taking a long ass time which didn't bother me today because I had things to do, we get to her place at about the same time and we smoked almost immediately. Then we did a few hot rails. And that's when the stress started. She gets loud and yells a lot, a trigger for me (she is unaware). Her temper is bad and when she goes off she just keeps on going. Usually it's just talking in circles and for the longest time I've been hanging with her and using her to score, it didn't feel directed at me but the last few times I've seen her it's felt like she's got me in the scope now too. So she's going all the way off and I'm constantly apologizing, trying to fix it, and calm her down because I'm so triggered and trying not to show it but she doesn't so I ended up leaving after the second time she tore into me and a friend. I felt bad but I needed to for my own mental health.

It hit me earlier today that I've had three people in the last week cut from my life if not completely then for the most part and all of them I've known for years. Fp a friend of 16 years, another friend of 13 yrs and highschool crush, and a friend of about 4 years. I know my mental state has been off lately but it doesn't do much for a girls self esteem when friends start dropping like flies. I know I haven't done anything wrong but it feels like I have because why else would this have happened?

Since I've been known to be a negative person I'm sure I could go on but that's the shit currently on my mind and plate.

Now for the good & happy things!

I finally got my nails painted! It wasn't my fav color and I even went to the store but they were out of the color I wanted so I got a couple others. I had to take the first color I did off because the clear coat was somehow motherfucking bubbly and my brain wasn't allowing that but when I'm done here I'm going to do them a nice turquoise that I love!

I was able to get spuuuuuuuun! Despite all the things with my plug, I really had a pretty damn good night. Usually I don't sniff Tina because of the burn, but I even hit a few lines after smoking and taking a couple hot rails. I took a line of a perc too but downers and opiates aren't really my thing.

I left ol girl's still spun despite her being a Betty Buzzkill and took a guy I met at her place a couple weeks ago down the road then when I was going to drop him off, we sat in the car and talked for a while. After idk 45 minutes we went inside his house because it was good conversation and I wasn't really ready to leave. He's 9 years older than I am but we had similar views and thoughts on a lot of things and I'm pretty sure we both enjoyed that 2 hour+ conversation we had. I may have a new pal and even a possible work hookup for my uncle so he's not home all the time annoying me lmao.

This one I'm not entirely sure it's good because my logical self is telling bpd self to fucking stop BUT it feels good so I'm putting it there. I met a guy through a mutual friend a while back and we have really connected with each other. He and I have a GREAT banter, I love talking to him and we never run out of shit to talk about. Tonight I realized that even before previous fp dipped, he was starting to give Devin some competetion. Of course, he has things to work on but who doesn't? I saw him this evening and we went for a drive, railed down a few lines, then blew some clouds talking the whole time. Idk what prompted him to tell me he wanted to kiss me but he said it and I let him. It could've been the ice or him being a lil tipsy, but his kisses felt so genuine. It's been a while since I was kissed like someone was absolutely amazed by me and it's making me giddy. There are important parts I'm leaving out rn but this covers the main frame since I hadn't mentioned him until tonight. I just need to be sure I control myself and don't rush into obsession and I'll do my best to remind myself so the bpd isn't gasoline on the flame. I do see him tomorrow though. He owes me $20 I fronted him and he told me to go to where he works which is within walking distance of my house in the afternoon so he can pay me and we will hang out in his camper he keeps parked at his boss' house.

Later this morning I plan to clean my room because I definitely have been slacking on that. It's so funny everyone thinks all tweakers keep a spotless house but that's not true. A lot of us will sit in the same place for hours doing the dumbest shit you ever saw. I'm one of them but my depression also plays a part because I never feel like cleaning. Laundry needs done though and the room is just cluttered. I'd like to invite people over but with this much crap everywhere that's not possible.

All in all, after such a downer of a week, things are feeling more up and I'm finding motivation to do more. Maybe I'll even start therapy again after the new year. Maybe not, but we can see.