#not to mention the mental pain of adhd symptoms

[asparklethatisblue]

having a day so shit it’s physically painful, and then relying on one last tiny burst of frantically rushing home to make it not 10/10 shit…

only for the cab driver being 20 minutes late thanks to a cheeky tesco detour, thus leaving you late for your own damn work appointments and without the comfort of being home cause I can’t be THAT late now can I…

[thedeepmiracleperfection]

1 in 5 people have still had feverish visions though! that's a not insignificant amount of the population!

for me, it was because i was in a charter high school that was so demanding and so unforgiving and I was so stressed out that my body began to break down and I experienced very a painful bout of psychosomatic illness that included a pseudo fever (i wasn't actually overheating but my body felt like it was) complete with visual and auditory hallucinations. fun times.

[kyoshitargaryen]

shifting tips for neurodivergent shifters!

shifting tips for autistic people, and for those with ADHD and OCD! for scripting ideas, click here! (coming soon!)

hey, everyone! I'm autistic and I have ADHD and OCD -- all of these things have greatly impacted my journey. these are some of the things that have helped me progress with shifting and with getting to a healthy place mentally in general. note : I have aphantasia, so any time I mention "visualizing" it moreso means thinking of it. instead of seeing "visualizing" as something you can't do, put it into perspective of the things you CAN do. if you can daydream, you can visualize, even if you're not physically seeing anything. don't let it stop you!!

tips!

don't think that you can't shift while autistic. I've done it, and you will too if you haven't already. the only thing that could stop you is your own lack of belief.

if you're like me, you take everything extremely literally. that makes understanding what people -- especially neurotypical people -- mean when they give advice difficult and even harder to apply. here's some things that I've realized about common shifting tips.

5 Senses Methods

I've noticed that some people who talk about "using" your senses, don't exactly mean to use them or to force them. for the longest time, I kept getting so caught up in trying to force the experience that I was keeping myself from shifting entirely instead of trying to physically hear something, or taste or smell or feel, focus more on understanding how those senses work. you probably know the taste of your favourite soda. you probably know what steak or chicken tastes like. you know how when you have your mind set on a particular dinner or drink or experience, you HAVE to have it or else you won't be hungry or thirsty or excited? you KNOW what those things taste like. you KNOW what you expect, all while not physically having those things in front of you. try living in that expectation, in the knowledge and understanding of what you're going to get. this also works with general manifestation! think about what you're wanting for dinner tonight. think about your dream vacation destination. just lightly imagine it. you might be able to almost taste it now. you might be able to almost feel the wind on your skin, or a light rain, or warm sunshine. try approaching shifting like that!

I struggled for the longest time over letting myself move when I go to shift. Feeling symptoms go away just because I had to move or twitched unconsciously was so frustrating. I actually forced myself to lay perfectly still on my back even while feeling physical discomfort and pain. yes, I understood that you can move, and that you don't need symptoms to shift, but I was so caught up in feeling the transition and in my body in general that I found it impossible to let go of control like that. when I first tried focusing on the position my body would be in in my desired reality, I focused way too hard on feeling it. and I'll be honest, forcing myself to feel the physical sensation of laying down in a different position did work. I really did feel it. It just didn't help me shift. and obviously the moments where I would become more aware of my body in this reality or I needed to move were practically devastating. but then something clicked. I was so busy trying to feel my whole body in my desired reality that I was only grounding myself in this reality, and I was slowing down if not outright stopping myself from shifting. you know how you breathe automatically until you are suddenly reminded that you have to breathe to survive? or how you don't necessarily feel your knees or your toes until you think about them? you're only aware of the parts of your body that you are actively interacting with. our minds are trained to tune out a large amount of the sensory information going on in our bodies. imagine how exhausting it would be if you had to manually pump your heart. you probably don't feel what you're sitting or laying down on after you've been there for a long period of time, unless you're actively feeling discomfort or pain. take a moment to take stock of your body. now that you're aware of it -- you probably feel so much more than you did a few minutes ago when you weren't thinking of it. keep that in mind! now pay attention to the places your body overlaps. right now, my elbows are on my lap, and my ankles are tucked under my thighs. the places where your body overlaps are the easiest things to focus on and remember. picture yourself in the passenger seat of a car. you're tired, so you're leaning down on the centre console. your head is tucked into your elbow to shield your eyes from light. focus on the parts of your body that overlap. you KNOW how it feels to rest your head in your elbow. you likely know how it feels to sleep in the passenger seat. instead of trying to pay attention to your body as a whole, think of these little contact points. do this for a few minutes, and I guarantee you that you'll eventually begin to actually feel it, or at least, you'll forget about your physical body in this reality. don't make yourself feel this things, just remember how it feels. this way of aligning myself to my desired reality makes the process go by so much faster. once I feel comfortable remembering how my body would feel in that position, I move on to other things. I remember how it would feel to have my fingers run over the seatbelt or the buckle. I remember how the blinker or the windshield wipers sound. slowly but surely, these things build up and then you're not consciously thinking of them anymore, you're just there. but the best part of it? it's so easy to get myself back into the "zone" if I move in my CR. since I'm not trying to feel a whole environment and my whole body at once, I'm able to quickly and easily remember and experience the position I'm in in my DR. I don't worry about symptoms, or even actively notice them. I'm just there. once I have put my focus on those few contact spots, I'm in my DR. then, it's just a waiting game for when I can open my eyes. I'm in no rush, because I'm just relaxing!

Staircase Method

don't worry about visualizing the perfect space. I was so caught up in making sure the amount of stairs I was walking up or down matched the environment I was thinking of. don't worry about that. the only thing that matters is getting yourself to a point where you're relaxed and you can let go of your original reality. I kinda see shifting as removing velcro. your consciousness is velcro'd to this reality, especially when you're inexperienced with shifting, have doubts, or are going through a slump. the deeper you get into a method, the farther you get from focusing on your CR (the fact that you're still there, that you still feel your body, that you still hear and smell your CR environment), the more the velcro releases. if you try to make everything perfect, you're only making yourself realize that you're not actually in your DR, that you're just doing a method. instead, just focus on knowing how it feels to walk up or down stairs. don't worry about a length of time, or the number of stairs. don't worry about any turns or bends, just go straight up or down. once you feel like the "velcro" of this reality has released, you're ready to enter your DR.

Counting

at the beginning of my shifting journey, I was obsessed with making sure I counted correctly. if I accidentally skipped or repeated a number, I would get so frustrated. don't worry about being accurate or perfect. the sun does not rise and fall on your ability to count on endlessly. focusing too hard on counting will just keep you from becoming aware of your DR. again -- try not to focus so hard on the process of getting to your DR, try to just focus on being in your DR.

Just BE in Your DR (or, Let Go of Control)

I have two ways that I love to describe this;

it's like driving a car. when you've reached your destination, you put the car in park, you turn it off, and you get out. you don't drive past it, or keep hitting the gas, you don't assume that you haven't made it yet. you just know you're there.

it's like trying to fall asleep. you might be counting sheep, or daydreaming, or thinking about what you want to dream of, but you're NOT thinking about how to get home, you're not thinking about changing your clothes, or brushing your teeth, or doing your nighttime routine. you're just there, in your bed, waiting for sleep to take you. you know there's nothing left to do but sleep. so let yourself exist in your DR. think of methods as a way for you to pass time in your DR rather than a way of getting there. you're on a long car ride, or the hogwarts express, or in the middle of a lull hour at your job. you have freetime, so you just keep your mind busy enough to be entertained (and possibly ready to go if you're needed). just relax. you're there. you're just don't need to be "on" right now. think of how you mask in social situations, but you unmask when you're by yourself or you're somewhere safe and comfortable. your mask doesn't need to be on! your customer service voice doesn't need to be used. think of it like being idle in a video game!

Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts

especially when I go to shift, I get intrusive thoughts. what if everyone hates me? what if my s/o cheats on me? what if I somehow cause a sequence of events that gets someone or an animal hurt or killed? it doesn't matter if I have things scripted to prevent all of these, my brain thinks them anyway. intrusive thoughts don't bend to logic. so don't try to use logic to fight them. it's gonna sound kinda crazy, but just think the opposite every time they come up. thoughts are just thoughts. even the ones that seem really scary and really powerful.

Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself.

as much as I dislike Dumbledore, he kinda ate here. it's the same thing with thoughts -- if you have an intrusive thought, immediately combat it with the opposite sentiment. it might seem ridiculous or pointless at first, but I promise you, it will work eventually. this has been my favourite way to heal through my anxiety and my ocd. no, it doesn't go away, but I've learned how to manage them, and how to stop fearing them. they're just shadows, and all they need is light to be driven away. have you ever done or said something ironically or as a joke, and then somehow over time it became a genuine part of your personality? that's because your brain is even more literal than you are -- it can't tell when you're doing something as a joke, it just knows that you ARE doing something. that's what "fake it until you make it" is all about. it's how I've completely transformed my world, manifested physical changes, created a better self image and grew my confidence level. one day you'll be thinking poorly of yourself, but then eventually, once you start actively fighting against those thoughts, your brain catches up to them and believes it as fact. that's the magic behind affirmations! don't think you can only use them to shift or to manifest. you can use them just as effectively to make changes within yourself!

that's all for now! I hope these tips help you guys, because they really have changed both my life and my shifting / manifestation journey for the better.

yoshi !!

[chaoticbardlady99]

Yesterday I Felt like Dancing (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: You have burnt both ends of the candle and haven’t been taking care of your mental health. Unable to get yourself out of bed, Astarion begins to worry about you…

Author note- I have been hardcore struggling with my mental health lately and writing my silly little fics has been the only thing pulling me along. I thought it might be therapeutic to write about my current feelings (I have ADHD, MDD, and GAD so it’s a party up in here). I hope you enjoy!

CW- Suicidal Ideation, symptoms of depression, brief outburst, mentions of mental health diagnosis and poor medical advice.

Title inspired by song “Into the Walls” by Griff.

*not my pic, could not tell you where I found it so I apologize in advance. If you think it might be your picture, please message me so I can give proper credit.

Your last day before backtracking from the Mountain Pass to the Goblin camp is a difficult one.

Not for the group as a whole- just you specifically.

Days before a Mindflayer kidnapped you, a healer back home had told you your brain was sick. You had been devastated- resigned to your miserable fate.

You had been struggling for years at that point with inconsistent motivation, exhaustion, nightmares, and irrational thoughts for months. You have been functional for the most part, but then an overpowering wave will hit you like Warhammer in the ribs and you are rendered useless until it passes.

The healer suggested sunlight, exercise, eating healthy, and spending time with friends to help your affliction when you hit rock bottom. You were wildly unimpressed with her. At the time, you preferred to self isolate so you stayed by yourself in the woods trying to find peace there. You would have to let her know that her “going out and enjoying the sun” message is not always wise- you may get a tadpole shoved in your head. You can’t be that mad though- the tadpole helped bring your pep back.

Anyway, you have been doing all of that for weeks now, you even felt great, but today? You could not have hit rock bottom harder even if you tried.

You woke up that morning unable to get yourself out of bed. It was a rest day so it wasn’t a big deal, but you also know that your companions are going to have things they need to talk to you about and favors they need you to take care of.

Gods you had tried to get up. You are grateful that your past self had the gumption to wash off and change into clean clothes last night, but your armor is still disgustingly sitting outside your tent and your hair is long and wild. You had wanted to braid it, but it all felt like too much work.

Everything feels like too much work right now- even staying awake- so you drift in and out of uncomfortable naps throughout the morning. No matter how many times you fall asleep, begging for relief from the painful brick wall sitting on your brain, it never leaves.

You can feel the midday breeze rustle your tent. You’ve been laying here for hours now. You are crying and you honestly aren’t sure why. You feel completely paralyzed by all the things you need to do to be ready for the Underdark.

You need to clean your armor, go over the Goblin Camp’s map with Wyll, find Gale a magical artifact, and probably comfort Lae’zel since she’s been branded a heretic- but you won’t. The shame and self loathing continues. You are a silly, worthless little human being.

Every person who knocks on your tent gets a simple, “I’m just not feeling well,” and then they walk away. You don’t know why it makes you more sad than appreciative. If you were in their shoes- you would be bending over backwards to make sure they had everything they needed and you wouldn’t let them feel alone. Then you resent yourself for feeling that way towards your companions- they don’t owe you anything and you were the one who chose to help them- you didn’t ask for anything in return. This is all your fault.

The only person who hadn’t come to visit you was Astarion- which hurt your heart just a little, enough that the numbness coursing thickly through your body wavered for a moment. You are quite smitten and he is obviously not. Another mistake to add to the swirling black hole your mind has fallen into.

You knew it was stupid to want his comfort and affections- you had merely slept together a little less than a week ago. Astarion has been quasi avoiding you ever since and when he does talk to you- he’s awkward. You constantly look for flying pigs- Astarion feeling awkward or being awkward is unheard of.

You have come to accept that you were just some tryst and obviously he hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he said he did.

Astarion isn’t to blame and the situation itself certainly didn’t contribute to the sudden lack of emotions. You knew that you were on the verge of a mental collapse sooner rather than later, but you had foolishly hoped you wouldn’t be alone through it. It feels less all consuming when you try to find a reason. It’s more comfortable to know than it is to give up and say, “my brain is fucked and there isn’t a damn thing I can do so I guess I’m stuck here.”

You are jolted out of your thoughts by another knock on your tent.

“I’m sick,” you say flatly.

“Ha- you act like that will deter me. I can’t even get sick, Darling.”

Before you even have time to register that Astarion is on the other side of your tent- he pushes his way through the flaps and stares down at you in confusion. And… concern?

Astarion steps inside and kneels down next to you- scanning you for evidence of illness or injury.

“I suppose I had been worried for nothing,” he smiles sweetly at you, “you are totally fine. Come on Darling, you have to get up and eat. Wyll is fumbling with that map.”

You look at him and begin to cry. Astarion’s face lights up with alarm.

“What- what did I do!?”

“Please don’t make me,” you sob, “I just want a break. I’m so tired. I want to lay in this bed forever and never leave, but there is so much to do and it’s paralyzing.”

You continue to cry and you cover yourself with the extra blanket- successfully hiding your face.

“Go away,” you whisper, “I need to be left alone.”

You say it, but you are far from meaning it. You want him to stay- to hold you- but he doesn’t want you so it will only make everything hurt worse once the numbness fades away.

You wait for several moments and then you hear him leave. Your silent cry turns into choked sobs and your body is shaking from the pain you are in. The numbness hurts. The numbness tells you that you shouldn’t be alive.

Maybe you shouldn’t be.

Everyone here would be able to figure it out on their own (eventually) and you would finally be free. Free of your uncomfortable brain, free of your ugly body- free of the expectations of others. You would no longer be holding them back like you are today- like you will again in the future.

You are sure they would temporarily grieve you, but that was the deal with this whole journey. You had all accepted that one of you or all of you could die at any moment. You will just put them in more danger by being here…

You shake the thought from your head, violently- your head is pounding from the growing tension headache and dehydration. The tears eventually stop and you just… well, lay in bed again. You stare blankly at a book over in the corner. You keep trying to convince yourself to get up and read the damn thing- do literally ANYTHING else than just stay here in your bedroll.

Instead, you fall asleep.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You wake up to someone knocking on your tent post. You grumble incoherently, covering your head and you hear your unexpected guest sit down next to you. The smell of food fills the tent and your stomach grumbles.

“You need to eat, my Dear,” Astarion says softly.

You are stunned to hear his voice grace your ears. You slowly pull the blanket down to just below your eyes and look at him. Astarion looks distressed, like he doesn’t want to be here. Why would he? You’re a nuisance.

You sit up gingerly and grab the bowl from him. You manage to give him a lopsided smile.

“Thanks. You don’t need to stay, I will be fine on my own,” you say apathetically, staring into the broth.

“I want to stay,” he says, “if you’ll have me.”

The expression on his face is unreadable, but he seems genuine. You nod, your lips pressed together tightly. You eat as much as you feel like while Astarion studies you.

Usually your anxiety is at an all time high (in maybe one of the better ways) when you are around Astarion- he gives you butterflies, butterflies, and even more butterflies. Usually your heart is racing in his presence, but right now you just feel empty.

“Where is your hairbrush?” Astarion asks.

You frown with confusion, “it’s in my bag, why?”

Astarion gets up and goes over to the bag- digging out a few items. He pulls out a lantern, your hairbrush, and a hair tie. Astarion comes over to you and sits down behind you. You feel him gather up the stray pieces of your hair and get to work.

Astarion runs his fingers through your scalp and your tangled hair- the feeling is soothing and it opens something inside of you. Your body shakes silently with sobs and you feel the worm behind your eyes wiggle as Astarion asks for access. You aren’t sure.

“I want to understand,” Astarion says, “please.”

His voice is so raw and desperate- you swallow thickly before allowing him to explore your current emotional state. The silence in the tent is palpable and you feel tense, uncomfortable even. No one has ever cared for you while you are in this state before.

You feel him continue his hairbrushing after he exits your mind. Astarion leaves soft kisses on your shoulder as he gently pulls apart every knot. It helps- you realize- to feel cared for. The numbness still hurts, you still hurt, but it’s nice to not feel so alone.

After Astarion is done brushing your hair, you feel his delicate fingers begin to intricately braid your hair. You wonder when he learned how to do hair.

“Leon’s daughter, Victoria, used to ask me to braid her hair all the time,” Astarion says in a bittersweet voice as if reading your mind, “I picked it up so that she would stop bugging me about it. She said and I quote, ‘you have the perfect braiding hands!’”

You smile to yourself tenderly, “That’s very kind of you, Star. I am sure she appreciated it as much as I appreciate it now.”

You feel Astarion’s hands falter at your words and you are unsure if you have upset him or not. A pregnant pause occurs before Astarion finally clears his throat and goes back to braiding your hair.

“I’m glad that I can help,” Astarion’s delicate, vulnerable words hang in the air, “I’ve… been worried about you today.”

You feel positively flustered and bad for making him feel that way.

“Oh you don’t need to worry about silly ole me! This happens sometimes” you make your voice chirpier than it needs to be, “This is actually the longest I’ve gone for a long time without this happening. I have theorized that the tadpole might help which is kinda cool- I think?”

You laugh awkwardly- desperate to ease his worry.

“How often does this happen?”

Shit. That was the winning question wasn’t it? Astarion will surely never see you as anything less than broken now.

“I’m not really sure,” your voice comes out in a whisper, “I usually always feel a bit of it all the time, but it’s manageable. I function very well regardless.”

“But this one isn’t manageable and evidently you aren’t functional right now.”

You sigh, “No, it isn’t and no, I’m not.”

“What changed?”

“Nothing,” you say, maybe too harshly, “that’s the part that drives me crazy. Yesterday was incredible- I was on top of the whole world, felt like dancing and screaming from the rooftops, but today!?”

You inhale and hold back the muted scream that wants to fill the air.

“Today,” you hiss, “I don’t even want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired. There is too much to fucking do and too many people depending on me. Then everyone gets irritated with me if I ask to push off their problems so I persevere through it despite knowing I’m getting bad again. I’m a giant stinking trash heap that everyone keeps adding more to.”

Astarion finishes braiding your hair and presses your back to his chest, pulling you into him. He puts his arms around your waist and settles his chin and face in between the crook of your neck.

“I just feel like such a nuisance all the time- no matter how hard I push myself to prove I’m not. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I just… went away.”

You both sit there quietly. At some point he had taken one of your hands in his and he was tracing shapes into the back of it with his thumb. Your omission still hangs heavily in the air.

“I wouldn’t be better off,” Astarion says hotly, “I’d be stuck with all these weirdos by myself. That would be truly miserable, Darling.”

You shake your head, a half smile on your face.

“And besides- you are not even close to a nuisance,” Astarion states, leaving a kiss on your cheek, “at least you aren’t in constant need of magical objects to eat or blood to drink. Oh and you don’t require a painstaking amount of searching to prevent you from literally burning everyone alive.

“Oh and did I forget to mention, we have not one, but two women who despise each other and follow hateful Goddesses which was a fun choice for whatever sick bastard twisted our fates this way.”

You laugh breathily, closing your eyes and letting the sound defrost some of your insides.

“What I’m saying is- I think you are the least of everyone’s ‘nuisances’, my Darling,” he says, squeezing you tighter to his chest, “despite how little you think of yourself. We ne- no, I want you to stay. I know everyone else would say the same, but I must emphasize that I would be horribly distraught if you disappeared. Hells I’d even pay to have you resurrected.”

You gasp playfully, your voice falling slightly flat, “You? The most frugal man I have ever met would pay 200 gold coins to ‘Strike thy name from the record’?”

Your impression of Withers gets Astarion to genuinely laugh- the sound vibrating in your chest. You lean into him and he guides you back to laying down. Astarion entangles his legs with yours as he holds you tightly- your faces are mere centimeters apart. You love the way Astarion smells- rosemary, bergamot, and brandy. You wish you could be wrapped up in him forever. You are still in pain- everything still hurts and feels too difficult, but right now it feels a little less heavy.

“I would throw bags of Gold Coins at that corpse out of revenge, my Dear,” he teases, “you couldn’t possibly think I would ever let you rest peacefully in your grave- I would be far too angry with you and unhappy without you to let that happen.”

You lay there and despite yourself, you lean forward and leave butterfly kisses along his cheeks with your lashes. Astarion scrunches up his nose reflexively and smiles at you. You plant a sweet, short kiss on his lips.

“Thank you Astarion- for everything.”

You close your eyes as he traces circles along your lower back. Your eyes begin to droop, and you fall asleep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you wake up the next morning- you are disappointed to find that you are all alone in your tent. The heavy numbness is still there and you sigh. At least last night made it more bearable.

You look on the side where Astarion had been sleeping and find a note with a bottle attached to it. You pick it up and begin to read.

Tav,

Astarion had asked me about herbs for some relief regarding mental discomforts. I unfortunately don’t know many, but this is a mixture of St. John’s Wort, Valerian Root, and Ashwagandha. Historically, I know these have been used to alleviate emotional and mental pain.

Astarion didn’t tell me why he was asking, but I deduced it was you pretty quickly when he began shooing everyone away from your tent this morning.

I hope this helps- we are all here if you need us. May Silvanus light your path as you navigate this difficult time.

-Halsin

You sit in your own stunned silence for what feels like hours. Halsin knows and he wants to help? Halsin doesn’t think you are screwed or a nuisance? The man barely even knows you!

You are a bit embarrassed, but you can’t help but laugh at the image of Astarion telling everyone to leave you alone.

You open the bottle and a pleasant, earthy smell fills the tent. You drink the mixture (that definitely does not taste anywhere near as pleasant as it smells) and you do feel a slight bit better. Your apathy feels even more tolerable now. You will have to thank Halsin.

You slowly rise from your tent and look around. Everything is packed up neatly in the corner- your clothes from the previous day are folded nicely and you notice all the holes are sewn up.

You jump when someone enters your tent abruptly- the midday sun warming your skin. You turn around and Astarion is smiling at you, but looks nervous.

“I cleaned off your armor and your weapons,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, “I also packed up your stuff- as you can see. We have to start leaving unfortunately, but I’ll help you get on your armor like I usually do- I might still need help with mine though, but I can ask someone else if it’s too much for you right now. Lae’zel and Karlach offered to pack up your tent. Wyll and Shadowheart figured out the map- Wyll is going to be our ‘fearless’ leader for the day. Gale has some food for you to snack on while we travel- which you will be eating, by the way.”

Astarion is looking at you with a vulnerable expression on his face. He plays nervously with the gold coin in his hands.

You can hardly believe what you are hearing.

“Did- did you do all this for me?” You say with disbelief.

You never thought Astarion was capable of smiling shyly until he had admitted to you that you had been his first thinking creature- you certainly never thought you’d see him become shy twice in your presence.

“I did and it wasn’t a nuisance so don’t even begin to worry about that,” He walks over to you, gently cradling your face in his hands, “I hope this is all okay.”

You smile- the first genuine feeling of happiness you’ve felt in the last 24 hours gently sparks in your chest as you stare up at him. You get up on your tiptoes and bridge the gap between your lips.

“Thank you Astarion, this is perfect- you are perfect,” you are crying tears of joy, “this is the kindest gesture anyone has ever made for me. So just, thank you.”

“Of course, Darling,” he says smiling in between kisses, “I won’t let you lose to yourself. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

And for once? You actually believe someone.

-if you guys like this, please let me know if you would want a part two written from Astarion’s perspective.

Update- I did the thing you silly geese

https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticbardlady99/735969926279528448/i-took-all-this-love-i-found-and-i-hope-that-its

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[astrobiscuits]

Chiron: where is our physical (and mental) wound?

I'm currently reading a book about Chiron (did you know it's actually half asteroid, half comet? me neither), which inspired me to make this post. I'm in no way an expert in medical astrology, just a curious owl that wants to learn more about every branch of astrology out there (my Sag Venus loves it!!🤭)

DISCLAIMER!!! I'm not a doctor. If you've been feeling any symptoms described here, TALK WITH YOUR DOCTOR, NOT WITH ME

Observation: Before we dive in, i'd like to mention that the position of Chiron in the houses is important. Not every house placement suggests having a poor physical condition. The most prominent Chiron placements when it comes to having a medical condition are: Chiron in 1st house (house of self, visible illnesses), Chiron in 5th house (illnesses since birth/early childhood), Chiron in 6th house (house of health, if Saturn is also sitting there it points to chronic illnesses), Chiron in 8th house (house of death, may point to severe diseases or poor reproductive health) and Chiron in 12th house (house of the unconscious, deals with mental illnesses)

Honorable mention to Chiron in 3rd house and Chiron in 9th house as they represent accidents while travelling. If Chiron is heavily afflicted in these houses (unless it's also conjuncting Jupiter), it may point to...let's just say you're gonna be in a hospital bed in a vegetative state, but remember, nothing has a 100% possibility of happening, you're just more susceptible to it happening. I suggest checking the position of Chiron in Solar Return charts for the possible timing of it happening (look for Chiron in 3rd house/Chiron in 9th house as it activates your natal Chiron)

Without further do, let's dive in⚕️

Chiron in Aries: frequent headaches, frequent nose bleeds, teeth problems (sensitive teeth, tooth decay), deafness, skull fractures, cerebral anemia, brain tumours, hemophilia, epilepsy, BPD

Chiron in Taurus: frequent colds, frequent voice loss, thyroid problems (goiter, hyperthyroidism, hypothyroidis, etc.), tonsilitis, OCD

Chiron in Gemini: lung problems (asthma, tuberculosis, pneumonia, etc.), speech problems (stuttering, cluttering, mutism), alzheimer's disease, ADHD, OCD

Chiron in Cancer: frequent stomach pain, prone to lactose intolerance, (for girls) breast lumps, breast cysts, breast infections, nipple discharge, depression, anxiety

Chiron in Leo: prone to insolation, frequent heart palpitations, chest pain, hypertension, hypotension, arteriosclerosis, scoliosis, kyphosis

Chiron in Virgo: frequent bloating, prone to gluten intolerance, chronic allergies, diabetes, rabies, autism, ADHD, OCD

Chiron in Libra: prone to acne, frequent lower back pain, disc herniation, spondylolisthesis, chronic kidney disease, kidney stones

Chiron in Scorpio: frequent pain down there, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV/AIDS, depression

Chiron in Sagittarius: frequent pain in the hips, prone to hips dislocation, cirrhosis, sciatica

Chiron in Capricorn: prone to knees dislocation, osteoarthritis, bone problems (osteopenia, osteoporosis), gout, depression

Chiron in Aquarius: electrical injuries, shin splints, osteofibrous dysplasia, ankle sprain, ankle fractures, poor blood circulation, schizophrenia

Chiron in Pisces: prone to break toes, athlete's foot, bunions, addison's disease, hormonal deregulation, aphantasia, psychosis, schizophrenia, anxiety

Yes, i'm aware of the fact that it's a generational planet and it moves very slowly through signs

BONUS: It's important to take into consideration all planets that conjunct, square or opposite Chiron (regardless if they're personal or generational) + the Ascendant for additional info about our illnesses

Ex. Let's take me as an example. My Chiron is in my 10th house in Capricorn squaring Saturn in 4th house (so double Capricorn energy) and Aries Ascendant. Guess what? I've got TMJ (basically a jaw disorder affecting the joints) and i've got it from my fam -_- (Saturn rules tradition i love my fam)

I also believe that having a heavy afflicted Chiron in general makes someone prone to having a medical condition, even if it's not in the houses mentioned previously (like in my case). However, these people are more focused on the main meaning of the house, not their health problems. They tend to ignore their health problems or they just don't care

I hope you enjoyed my post and found it insightful :)

What's your wound? Lmk in the comments your placements and your illnesses

Kisses xoxo

[thefooloutboy]

all the things wrong with lestat de lioncourt according to the dsm-v and psychological theories

In this post, I, a psychologist, will psychoanalyze and diagnose Lestat de Lioncourt, a well-known vampire in gothic literature.

Part I: DSM-V Diagnosis

1.0 Neurodevelopmental Disorders

1.1 Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):

ADHD is a persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development.

Lestat displays 5 symptoms out of 9 for inattention: 

Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks: He can’t read.

Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace: He does not ever follow instructions.

Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities: He fails to keep his house and belongings organized.

Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort.

Is often forgetful in daily activities: He’s bad with doing chores and running errands.

Lestat displays 5 symptoms out of 9 for hyperactivity and impulsivity:

Often unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly: He’s always making noises.

Is often “on the go,” acting as if “driven by a motor”: He is usually unable to be still for extended time.

Often talks excessively: He is a yapper.

Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed: He completes people’s sentences and he cannot wait for his turn in conversation.

Often interrupts or intrudes on others: He butts into conversations and he intrudes into or takes over what others are doing.

To be diagnosed with ADHD, one must display at least 10 symptoms out of 18. Therefore, Lestat can be diagnosed with ADHD.

2.0 Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders

2.1 Delusional Disorder:

Delusional Disorder is characterized by the presence of one (or more) delusions with a duration of 1 month or longer. Lestat’s disorder is the Mixed type, meaning that not one single type of delusion predominates, but there’s a mixture. His disorder includes:

Grandiose type: Belief that one is famous, omnipotent, wealthy, or otherwise very powerful: At the end of S2.E8, we see Lestat practicing piano with a block of wood and thinking he’s going on tour.

Jealous type: Belief that their spouse or lover is unfaithful: He constantly watches Louis to see if he will cheat on him or not.

Persecutory type: Belief that they are being conspired against: In S1.E7, we see Lestat thinking Louis and Claudia are conspiring something against him and he makes Antoinette spy on them. (In the persecutory type, it does not matter if the person is actually being conspired against, it’s the obsession that counts.)

2.2 Schizoaffective Disorder:

Schizoaffective Disorder is characterized by an uninterrupted period of illness during which there is a major mood episode (major depressive or manic) concurrent with at least 2 criteria out of 5 of schizophrenia.

Lestat displays 2 symptoms of schizophrenia (A):

Delusions (mentioned above)

Hallucinations: He is haunted by Claudia.

Lestat also displays the main symptom of a major mood episode, which is depressed mood. We can see his depression and the symptoms of his schizoaffective disorder (delusions, hallucinations, and depressed mood) portrayed in several episodes, but mainly S2.E8.

3.0 Bipolar and Related Disorders

3.1 Bipolar I Disorder:

For a diagnosis of bipolar I disorder, it is necessary to meet the following criteria for a manic episode. Lestat displays 5 symptoms out of 7 for a manic episode in S2.E7:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity.

More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking.

Distractibility (attention too easily drawn to irrelevant external stimuli).

Increase in goal-directed activity.

Excessive involvement in activities that have a high potential for painful consequences.

The trial is followed with a depressive episode on his side, therefore, he displays the two distinct ends of Bipolar I: manic episode followed by a depressive episode. Lestat, according to this, can be diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder.

4.0 Depressive Disorders

4.1 Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder:

Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder is characterized by severe recurrent temper outbursts manifested verbally (e.g., verbal rages) and/or behaviorally (e.g., physical aggression toward people or property) that are grossly out of proportion in intensity or duration to the situation or provocation. 

In many episodes, we can see Lestat being verbally and physically aggressive towards Claudia and Louis, let alone many others that he later kills. In the DSM-V, it is concluded that Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder and Bipolar I Disorder cannot coexist, so it is not safe to say Lestat 100% have this disorder, but I thought it was worth mentioning as he displays the symptoms for it.

4.2 Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia):

Dysthymia is characterized by a depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, as indicated by either subjective account or observation by others, for at least 2 years.

Lestat displays 4 symptoms out of 6 for Dysthymia in S2.E8 and later in the song Long Face:

Poor appetite or overeating: ‘I'll get fatter when we break up.’ In this lyric, he mentions how he overeats (or rather overdrains people).

Low self-esteem.

Poor concentration or difficulty making decisions.

Feelings of hopelessness.

In the DSM-V, it is stated that there has not been a manic or hypomanic episode during the period of Dysthymia, which we cannot be sure if that is the case with Lestat, as I diagnosed him with Bipolar I earlier. However, S2.E8 and the Vampire Lestat era happens well after S2.E7, so we can assume that he had not had a manic episode and his mood disorder turned into Dysthymia.

5.0 Anxiety Disorders

5.1 Separation Anxiety Disorder:

Separation Anxiety Disorder is characterized by developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from those to whom the individual is attached.

Lestat displays at least 4 symptoms out of 8 for Separation Anxiety Disorder:

Recurrent excessive distress when anticipating or experiencing separation from home or from major attachment figures: He constantly tries to make Louis stay because he is scared of him leaving.

Persistent and excessive worry about losing major attachment figures or about possible harm to them, such as illness, injury, disasters, or death: ‘Did you hurt yourself?’

Persistent reluctance or refusal to sleep away from home or to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure.

Persistent and excessive fear of or reluctance about being alone or without major attachment figures at home or in other settings: He tries to win Louis back because he is scared of being without him.

Therefore, it is possible to say Lestat can be diagnosed with Separation Anxiety Disorder, as he himself mentions how he does not like being left behind.

6.0 Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders

6.1 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD):

OCD is the presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both.

Lestat displays 2 symptoms out of 2 for obsessions:

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress: In S2.E8, he mentions his recurrent thoughts about Claudia and how he cannot get over it.

The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action.

Lestat also displays symptoms out of 2 for compulsions:

Repetitive behaviors that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly: He plays the piano as he did with Claudia to get rid of the obsession.

The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress.

To be diagnosed with OCD, any of these 4 symptoms is necessary, and Lestat, arguably, displays all of them, so he is diagnosed with OCD by me.

7.0 Trauma- and Stressor-Related Disorders

7.1 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):

PTSD is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. There are several criteria to be diagnosed with it.

Lestat displays 3 symptoms out of 4 for exposure to actual or threatened death, and serious injury:

Directly experiencing the traumatic event: Claudia and Louis attempted to kill him.

Witnessing, in person, the event as it occurred to others: He was there to watch the Trial and he witnessed Claudia dying.

Learning that the traumatic event occurred to a close family member or close friend: He learned that Louis tried to harm himself.

Lestat displays 4 symptoms out of 5 for presence of  intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event:

Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event: He cannot get the death of Claudia out of his mind. He also still thinks about Louis harming himself.

Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) in which the individual feels or acts as if the traumatic event were recurring.

Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

Lestat’s PTSD is multifaceted, as there have been several different traumatic events that had shocked him and endangered him (e.g., Magnus, the Trial, S1.E7, the death of Nicki). According to Sam Reid, Claudia will haunt Lestat in S3, so we will see more of his reactions to his PTSD.

8.0 Feeding and Eating Disorders

8.1 Pica:

Pica is characterized by persistent eating of nonnutritive, nonfood substances over a period of at least 1 month. Which is, pretty much, seen in every vampire. It does not take a psychologist to diagnose vampires with Pica. They are Pica.

8.2 Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder:

ARFID is characterized by an eating or feeding disturbance as manifested by the person avoiding certain foods. As can be seen in many episodes, Lestat constantly judges Louis for feeding only from animals instead of humans. Lestat prefers human blood only, making him a restrictive food intaker.

8.3 Binge Eating Disorder:

Binge Eating Disorder is characterized by recurrent episodes of binge eating.

Lestat displays 2 out of 2 symptoms for an episode of binge eating:

Eating, in a discrete period of time, an amount of food that is definitely larger than what most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances.

A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode.

In the song ‘Long Face’, Lestat talks about binge feeding after a breakup in which he eventually gains weight from the amount of blood he consumes. Do vampires get overweight? I don’t know, but that’s what he says, so I diagnose him with Binge Eating Disorder.

9.0 Disruptive, Impulse-Control, and Conduct Disorders

9.1 Oppositional Defiant Disorder:

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a  pattern of angry/irritable mood, argumentative/defiant behavior, or vindictiveness lasting at least 6 months.

Lestat displays 6 symptoms out of 8 for Oppositional Defiant Disorder:

Often loses temper: e.g. when playing chess with Claudia, when Claudia came back and he beat up Louis.

Is often touchy or easily annoyed.

Is often angry and resentful.

Often deliberately annoys others.

Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior.

Has been spiteful or vindictive at least twice within the past 6 months.

Therefore, it can be easily said that Lestat is not a bad person, he is just mentally ill.

9.2 Intermittent Explosive Disorder:

Intermittent Explosive Disorder is characterized by recurrent behavioral outbursts representing a failure to control aggressive impulses.

Lestat displays 2 symptoms out of 2 for failure to control aggressive impulses:

Verbal aggression or physical aggression toward property, animals, or other individuals: Going crazy after losing in chess, choking Claudia, beating up Louis.

Three behavioral outbursts involving damage or destruction of property and/or physical assault involving physical injury against animals or other individuals occurring within a 12-month period: It possibly happens more for Lestat.

10.0 Personality Disorders

10.1 Borderline Personality Disorder:

BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

Lestat displays 7 symptoms out of 9 for Borderline Personality Disorder:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment: He does everything in order to keep Louis.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging: Cheating on partners, money spending, substance abuse can be seen in Lestat.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (as mentioned in Disruptive & Impulse-Control Disorders).

As guessed by many people, BPD is the disorder that Lestat relates to the most. He obviously displays a lot of symptoms of it and therefore easily can be diagnosed with it by any professional.

10.2 Histrionic Personality Disorder:

Histrionic Personality Disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.

Lestat displays 6 symptoms out of 8 for Histrionic Personality Disorder:

Is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention.

Interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior.

Displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions.

Consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self.

Shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion.

Considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.

Lestat can easily be seen as ‘the life of the party’ and if he is not the center of the attention, you best believe he will do something about it. He displays enough symptoms to be diagnosed with HPD.

11.0 Paraphilic Disorders

11.1 Voyeuristic Disorder:

Voyeuristic Disorder is characterized by recurrent and intense sexual arousal from observing an unsuspecting person who is naked, in the process of disrobing, or engaging in sexual activity, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors. 

In S1.E1 we see that Lestat likes watching Louis having sex with another woman. Louis asks Lestat, ‘That’s your thing? You like to watch?’.

11.2 Sexual Masochism Disorder:

Sexual Masochism is recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the act of being humiliated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer, as manifested by fantasies, urges, or behaviors.

When Dreamstat comes back to Louis, there is a scene in which Lestat provokes Louis by saying ‘Kill me again.’, and he laughs as Louis hits him, chokes him, and although that is Louis’ dream of Lestat, I think it’s safe to say Lestat had enjoyed that kind of behavior before. When Louis takes Lestat back, we also see how beaten up Lestat is, and it happens after they have sex.

Part II: Psychological Theories

1.0 Social Exchange Theory:

Social Exchange Theory is a concept based on the idea that social behavior is the result of an exchange process. According to this theory, people weigh the potential benefits and risks of their social relationships. When the risks outweigh the rewards, they will terminate or abandon the relationship. The purpose of this exchange is to maximize benefits and minimize costs.

Lestat lives his life by this theory. He is often driven by his desires and passions. He craves companionship and love but also seeks dominance and control over others. 

Costs:

Emotional Turmoil: Lestat's intense relationships often lead to emotional conflicts and suffering, both for him and his companions.

Risk of Rejection: His desire for deep connections makes him vulnerable to rejection and betrayal, as seen with Louis.

Loneliness: Despite seeking companionship, Lestat frequently finds himself isolated due to his nature and actions.

Rewards:

Companionship: Lestat values the presence of others, particularly those who can understand his nature and share his experiences.

Power and Control: He often derives satisfaction from having power over others, which boosts his sense of significance and dominance.

Excitement and Adventure: Lestat’s relationships often bring new experiences and adventures, which he craves as part of his rebellious spirit.

His interactions are driven by the pursuit of rewards such as companionship, power, and adventure, while also dealing with the costs of emotional turmoil, conflict, and isolation.

2.0 Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs:

This psychological theory posits that human motivations are structured in a hierarchy, ranging from basic physiological needs to self-actualization. Lestat’s actions and motivations often reflect his quest to fulfill these needs, from the basic physiological requirement for blood to his pursuit of self-actualization through personal growth and creative expression.

Needs:

Physiological: 

Vampiric Thirst: As a vampire, Lestat's primary physiological need is the consumption of blood. This need drives many of his actions, ensuring his survival.

Immortality: Unlike humans, Lestat doesn't need food, water, or shelter in the traditional sense. His physiological need is centered around obtaining blood and ensuring his physical survival as an immortal being.

Safety: 

Physical Safety: Lestat seeks to protect himself from threats, both from humans and other vampires. This includes avoiding vampire hunters and rival vampires who may wish to harm him.

Existential Safety: Lestat grapples with the existential nature of his immortality and seeks to find stability in his long existence. This often involves creating and maintaining secure environments where he can exist without threat.

Love and Belongingness:

Companionship: Lestat's relationships with Louis, Claudia, and others highlight his deep need for companionship and belonging. Despite his often domineering nature, Lestat craves intimate connections.

Vampire Family: His creation of a vampire family with Louis and Claudia is an attempt to fulfill his need for love and belonging. He seeks to create a close-knit group that can understand and share his experiences.

Esteem:

Respect and Recognition: Lestat desires recognition and respect from both humans and vampires. His flamboyant and rebellious behavior often serves as a way to assert his presence and command attention.

Self-Esteem: Lestat struggles with his self-esteem, oscillating between grandiosity and self-doubt. He seeks validation through his actions and the admiration of others.

Self Actualization:

Personal Growth: Lestat's journey throughout the series is marked by his pursuit of knowledge, self-discovery, and personal growth. He constantly seeks to understand his place in the world and the meaning of his existence.

Art and Music: Lestat's involvement in the arts, particularly his passion for music, is an expression of his self-actualization. These creative pursuits allow him to explore and express his individuality and inner world.

Transcendence: At times, Lestat seeks experiences that go beyond his own existence, exploring the metaphysical and spiritual aspects of being a vampire. This includes his encounters with ancient vampires and other supernatural beings.

3.0 The Myers-Briggs Test (MBTI):

The MBTI categorizes personalities into 16 types based on four dichotomies:

Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I)

Extraversion (E): Lestat is highly extraverted. He thrives on interaction with others and seeks out social engagement, whether with humans or other vampires. He loves being the center of attention, often drawing others to him with his charm and charisma.

Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N)

Intuition (N): Lestat is intuitive, often looking beyond the surface to understand deeper meanings and possibilities. He is driven by his curiosity and desire for new experiences and knowledge.

Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F)

Feeling (F): Although Lestat can be calculating and strategic, his decisions are often influenced by his emotions and personal values. He experiences intense emotions and is deeply affected by his relationships and experiences.

Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P)

Perceiving (P): Lestat is spontaneous, adaptable, and often prefers to keep his options open. He is not one for strict plans or routines and enjoys the freedom to explore and act on impulse.

Lestat's personality aligns well with the ENFP type in the Myers-Briggs framework. His extraversion, intuition, emotional depth, and spontaneous nature define his character and drive his actions.

4.0 Freud’s Ego Psychology:

Freud's model of the psyche is composed of three main elements: the Id, the Ego, and the Superego. Each of these components plays a critical role in shaping an individual's actions and interactions. Through this psychology, Lestat can be understood as a dynamic interplay between his Id-driven desires, his Ego's attempts to navigate reality, and his Superego's moral contemplations.

The Id:

Desires and Instincts: Lestat's Id is strongly represented by his vampiric desires and instincts. His need for blood, thrill-seeking behavior, and hedonistic pursuits are driven by the Id's demand for immediate gratification. Lestat’s frequent indulgence in bloodlust, his desire for power, and his pursuit of pleasure without concern for consequences highlight his Id-driven actions. His transformation into a vampire amplifies these primal desires.

The Ego:

Reality Principle: Lestat’s Ego attempts to balance his powerful Id with the demands of reality. This is evident in his strategic thinking and ability to navigate the complexities of human and vampire societies. Lestat's efforts to create a successful career as a rock star and his ability to form and maintain complex relationships (despite their tumultuous nature) demonstrate his Ego at work. He often calculates his actions to achieve his desires while managing external realities.

The Superego:

Moral Conscience: Lestat’s Superego is less dominant than his Id, but it is still present. His reflections on morality, guilt, and his existential musings show the influence of his Superego. Lestat's internal conflicts and occasional guilt over his actions indicate the presence of his Superego. His moments of introspection, particularly when he questions the morality of his vampiric existence, highlight this aspect of his psyche.

Lestat experiences significant internal conflicts between his Id, Ego, and Superego. His hedonistic desires often clash with his moments of moral contemplation and the need to adapt to reality. He often projects his own desires and frustrations onto others, such as Louis and Claudia. His complex relationships involve elements of transference, where he relives past traumas and desires through his interactions with them.

5.0 Jung’s Archetypes:

Jung's theory of archetypes suggests that there are universal, archaic symbols and images that derive from the collective unconscious. These archetypes manifest in literature and myths, often embodying fundamental human experiences and traits.

The Self:

Integration and Wholeness: Throughout the series, Lestat's journey can be seen as a quest for integration and self-understanding. He seeks to reconcile his various aspects and achieve a sense of wholeness.

The Shadow:

Dark Aspects: Lestat's Shadow includes his violent tendencies, selfish desires, and the darker aspects of his vampiric nature. He often grapples with these parts of himself, leading to internal conflict and moral ambiguity.

The Anima:

Feminine Qualities: Lestat's Anima is reflected in his deep emotional connections and his capacity for empathy and love, despite his often ruthless behavior. His relationships with Louis and Claudia reveal his nurturing and protective sides.

The Persona:

Public Face: Lestat's Persona is highly cultivated, presenting himself as charismatic, charming, and flamboyant. He is a performer both literally (as a rock star) and metaphorically, often masking his deeper, more troubled self.

The Hero:

Quest and Challenges: Lestat embodies the Hero archetype through his constant quest for meaning, adventure, and self-discovery. He faces numerous challenges and often acts as a catalyst for change in the vampire world.

The Trickster:

Mischief and Chaos: Lestat often plays the role of the Trickster, causing disruption and challenging societal norms. His rebellious nature and tendency to create chaos reflect this archetype.

His public Persona, the dark Shadow, the nurturing Anima, the heroic quest, the Trickster's chaos, and the journey towards the Self all contribute to his multifaceted character.

6.0 Attachment Theory:

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, examines how early relationships with caregivers shape an individual's patterns of attachment and behavior in later relationships.

Lestat's early life as a human was marked by complex relationships with his family, particularly his mother, Gabrielle. His father was neglectful and abusive, while his mother was more supportive but distant due to her own struggles. These early experiences likely influenced Lestat's attachment style, contributing to his complex and often tumultuous relationships later in life.

Disorganized Attachment: Lestat exhibits traits of disorganized attachment, characterized by a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. His relationships are marked by intense emotions, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining stable bonds. This theory highlights his struggles with intimacy, fear of abandonment, and need for control.

7.0 Social Identity Theory:

This theory explores how individuals derive a sense of identity and self-esteem from their membership in social groups, and how these group dynamics influence intergroup behavior.

Social Categorization:

Vampire Identity: Lestat categorizes himself primarily as a vampire, which becomes a core aspect of his identity. This categorization distinguishes him from humans and other supernatural beings. Lestat's transformation into a vampire and his subsequent embrace of vampiric traits and behaviors mark his entry into this distinct social category. He frequently identifies himself as part of the vampire world, even when challenging its norms.

Social Identification:

Group Membership: Lestat identifies strongly with the vampire community, despite often rebelling against its rules and leaders. His identity as a vampire shapes his actions, relationships, and self-perception. Lestat’s relationships with other vampires, such as Louis, Claudia, Armand, and even ancient vampires like Akasha, reflect his deep connection to the vampire identity. His desire to understand and sometimes reshape the vampire world shows his commitment to this group.

Social Comparison:

Ingroup vs. Outgroup: Lestat often compares himself and his vampire companions to humans and other supernatural entities. This comparison reinforces his sense of superiority and uniqueness. 

His categorization as a vampire, identification with the vampire community, and comparison with humans and other vampires shape his actions and self-perception. The intragroup dynamics, including power struggles, status seeking, and identity crises, further highlight the complexities of his social identity.

8.0 Five Factor Model of Personality:

The Five-Factor Model includes five broad dimensions of personality:

Openness to Experience:

High Openness: Lestat exhibits high levels of openness. He is curious about the world, adventurous, and willing to explore new experiences, both as a vampire and in his human endeavors.

Conscientiousness:

Low to Moderate Conscientiousness: Lestat demonstrates lower levels of conscientiousness. He often acts impulsively and disregards conventional norms or plans.

Extraversion: 

High Extraversion: Lestat is highly extraverted. He thrives on social interaction, enjoys being the center of attention, and is energized by engaging with others.

Agreeableness:

Low to Moderate Agreeableness: Lestat shows varying levels of agreeableness. While he can be charming and charismatic, his actions often reflect self-interest and a lack of empathy.

Neuroticism:

Moderate to High Neuroticism: Lestat exhibits moderate to high levels of neuroticism. He frequently experiences emotional turmoil, existential angst, and inner conflict.

Lestat’s personality, as analyzed through the Five-Factor Model, reveals a complex character with high openness and extraversion, but lower conscientiousness and agreeableness, alongside significant neuroticism. These traits contribute to his charismatic, adventurous, and often tumultuous nature.

In conclusion, I diagnosed Lestat with 18 mental disorders (according to DSM-V) and analyzed his personality through 8 different psychological theories. I don't necessarily say that I am right, but given the psychology degree I have, I am pretty much sure of what I have concluded here with this.

Much love,

Zenith

[pokoinsides]

Uuuh...

Here is the list of the characters(the first part),whose stories and existence are possible to find in this AU - Traumatic Pasta: (‼️TW:Mentions of SA,selfharm,violence,child neglect, alcoholism‼️)

I also need to notice,that everything in this universe happens in early 2010s (wanna avoid all the questions about character's age,so just telling you in case you care :P)

🍭🫀 - Laughing Jack: used to kill children,making their death the most horrible,painful, gruesome and disgusting,but now he's a babysitter for all the pastas.Of course,Jack would rather die than be a lovely housewife till the end of his existence,but he has to, because of having a debt to the faceless mf.It is a story for another post,but to be short,Slenderman is the current owner his soul, who's giving L.J protection from angels out of Heavenly Office,who wanted to send him to the hell after his ward Isaac(since L.J is a paradise twink,I formed a theory,that he,unlike other entities,can possibly have soul).

The clown is irritated by every noise and cough,emotional as fuck and can barely bear the existence of the children of the mansion (exceptions: Sally and Toby.They're mama's innocent kittens forever and no matter what).

👔🐙 - Slenderman: actually,fella doesn't give any fuck about the fact of a bunch of mentally unstable teens living in the mansion located in the middle of the forest under his wing,because it's not his,but only Jack's concerns.His only goals are to use this emo gang in his own interests,so he barely cares of the poor ones' physiological condition and mental health.

Slenderman is extremely cold and arrogant towards everyone,even to Jack.To be honest, it's the whole event,if he shows up in the mansion to give his proxies orders about next missions and call Jackie's tartlets a piece of shit.

🧸🖍️ - Sally Williams: the poor one is a doomed spirit,who has got accidentally adopted by Slenderman (he just picked her soul up,carried it to Jack and then was like:"Here,do whatever you want with it").Sally doesn't remember,how she has got into the mansion and the abuse provided to her by her uncle.The girl doesn't even know,that she's dead and travels between two worlds in her ghosty head - the first one is cute and adorable with unicorns and glitter and the second one is just...just the reality with all the goofy monsters there.

Sally's actually a cute bun,who's really easy to get distracted with some silly activities (drawing or playing,for example).Sometimes she's whiny and moody as any other alive child.Her favourite activities are getting on Jack's nerves and following Slenderman around.

Mental illnesses:

-Canon: honestly,I haven't found anything certain about Sally's mental health problems (except the fact,that she gets anxious,if her uncle is mentioned,which could be some kind of the first symptoms of PTSD,if I'm not wrong).

-Headcanon: retrograde amnesia,psychosis.

🧇🪓 - Toby Rogers: he's a mentally unstable teen around 16-17.His backstory in this au is pretty similar to the original one.The only exception is,that he hasn't burnt the whole neighborhood - instead,he was sponsored by the faceless mf with an axe from the garage,killed his abusive father and then a few more innocent people on his way to the forest.That's the reason,why he's feeling a bit of guilt because of having blood on his hands (not his father's one,ofc).

Toby had never experienced any kind of healthy family dynamic,so,when he had started living under Slendy's care,he quickly got attached both to L.J and Slenderman,seeing parental figures in them.He's literally the one,who gets nervous,when two entities have arguments and always tries to bring them together.

Mental illnesses:

-Canon: BPD,analgesia,Tourettes Syndrome.

-Headcanon: ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder (I dunno,if it's allowed to use GAD,so yeah).

🚬💊 - Tim Wright: he's an old mf in his early thirties.After beating all the shit out of Jay on the parking place,he decided to escape from the state and then (what a surprise!) got caught by the slendy fucker again,so he just...gave up?

Understanding his own helplessness in the situation,he decided to take its course,letting Masky follow Slenderman's orders and himself just becoming a drunkard,who tries to lose his consciousness of the whole desperation in alcohol.

Mental illnesses:

-Canon: in Marble Hornets' series it is noticed,that Tim has been suspected in having schizophrenia in his childhood,but it has never been proved or disproved,so I won't try to say something certain on this topic<:)

-Headcanon: DID (alter - Masky),Korsakoff's Syndrome (due to alcohol),CPTSD (thanks to faceless daddy;333).

🎭🔪 - Masky: Tim's alter.If the host for the current moment of plot is an always drunk to vomit vegetable,Masky is a cold-blooded murderer with no morals and whose only goal is following Slenderman's orders.In spite of being hated by Tim with all his soul,Masky himself is pretty neutral to him.He tries to care as much as he want and can about the body's health,preventing any suicide attempts or extreme self harm,but at all he only does it to keep body decent for missions.Plays the role of trauma holder and protector.

🎨🩸 - Bloody Painter: a murderous sicko with passion for art.He is one of the killers,whose determination of reality is the least broken,so all his felonies are done just because of the lack of moral.

It's really rare to see Helen anywhere out of his working place in the mansion.He even prefers to eat in his room,avoiding "family dinners".In communication with others Helen shows himself like a polite young man with high manners,but he still tries to avoid any contact with other pastas.

Mental illnesses:

-Canon: some wiki pages notice,that Helen is in autistic spectrum,so I'll add it here too:)

-Headcanon:body dysmorphophobia (due to the trauma tied up with his parents and their will to have a girl,not a boy).

That's all for today.I'm going to upload the rest a little bit later!:D

I don't have any decent arts for this post,so here you have the ones I've made with L.J and others for my friends.

[redhoodedangel]

My Arkhamverse! Jason Todd Headcanons

~~~~~~~

Inspiration is a struggle to find for my X readers right now. My ADHD and autism has been a struggle for a while now, not to mention my anxiety. So, here are some of my personal headcanons for my favorite variant of my favorite character…

Warning ⚠️: Mentions/descriptions of torture, descriptions of sickness/illness-like symptoms (vomiting/upset stomach), Mental Illness, PTSD, and other disturbing themes

~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~

Jason has BPD and ADHD. Both are hereditary, coming from his bio parents and he’s struggled with them for as long as he could remember, even before Batman and Joker.

Because of this, he has a lot of emotional outbursts and deep set anger. This is made very clear during his conversation with Barbara during the Halloween takeover

When he finally got out of Arkham, he couldn’t eat a lot of the foods he used to enjoy (he threw up the first time he tried to eat a burger)

All he ate in Arkham was whatever rotten food or drugged water Joker gave him. Only he would end up puking it up later on. Either that, or he went hungry (sometimes by his choice)

He actually ate like he has an upset stomach or stomach bug for a while, only drinking water or anything that was light on his stomach (Gatorade, room temp. Ginger ale, etc)

He could only eat crackers and toast, sometimes whatever soup he could buy (with pickpocketed money) or cook himself.

He has to wear a brace to better support his fucked up back. This is why his Red Hood chestplate looks so bulked up.

He had something similar in the Arkham Knight suit, but it’s lightweight, made from sustainable materials, and not as bulky as the one in his Red Hood getup.

Barbara offered to take him to a chiropractor to help him with his back. The practor was actually someone who helps her with lingering pains and phantom aches in her legs and hips.

But, Jason couldn’t stand the thought of a stranger putting their hands on him, so he declined but thanked her for the gesture

He wears a face mask whenever he goes out. A lot of people still think he’s dead, so best not show his face in public.

It also has the benefits of covering the ‘J’ brand on his cheek and people think he’s sick, so they stay away from him

Speaking of which, the ‘J’ mark isn’t the only traumatic scar with meaning or a story behind it on his body

He has three ‘HA’ laughter brandings, one on his left pectoral (where the Robin emblem was placed on his former suit), one on the small of his back, and the last one on his right hip.

He also has a pair of furled wings carved into his upper back. Obviously, an owed to his time as Robin and the painful memories that accompanied the mantle

Cooking reminds him of his time in the kitchen with Alfred and some of the best memories he had that weren’t tainted by Joker

Despite his initial disdain, Jason thinks Tim is a good Robin, but he steers clear of him because he feels he might say or do something he’ll regret later

Probably talks to Dick on those rainy days since he wasn’t involved in what happened to him

He still has that protective soft spot for kids, even after all the shit he went through

Joker tried to get him to hate them, but it was probably the only thing that Jason was resolute about. He would not harm a single child, even if it spared him from the pain and wrath of the Clown Prince himself

Upset that he never got to apologize to Bruce (and Alfred by extent) for everything

~~~~~~~

That’s all for now!

~~~~~~~

[gryficowa]

Thomas confirmed "Marinette's" diagnosis in the ADHD fandom just to keep the fadom from trashing his imaginary daughter

The proof are the words from the intro suggesting that "Marinette is a normal girl with a normal life", neurodivergent people are the opposite of "Normal", it is not without reason that many people with ASD and ADHD end up with low self-esteem (And they mask it, which unfortunately harms their condition mental)

Neurodivergent people see themselves as "Abnormal", especially if "Marinette" was supposed to be a scapegoat, such people withdraw from people and avoid them, so even Marinette shouldn't have friends (Luz Noceda only gained them in another world, and many of them 100% of them are neurodivergent people)

Such small things prove that Marinette was supposed to be able-bodied, and "ADHD behavior" was something that Thomas considered "Funny imperfections of the main character" and this context is worse, because if you mention that Chloe has symptoms of ASD, Thomas will probably not accept it and he will quarrel with you

Yes, Marinette points out that she was supposed to be able-bodied, but the fact that "ADHD" helped avoid many charges was Thomas using it

Chloe is closer to neurodiversity than Marinette, because with her it wasn't used as an excuse (And unfortunately, Thomas trashes her so much that many people from the fandom bought it) + She has almost no friends and does a lot of things that many are quite sus (Which is more fitting for a neurodivergent person than Marinette)

Seriously, as someone on the autism spectrum, I can spot things like this and it's disgusting that Thomas uses people with ADHD as characters who stalk and do a lot of things that sound like a crime story

Seriously, neurodivergent people? Have you stopped respecting each other and are happy with the worst representation because the creator said that this is what happens when the series suggests something different? You should have expectations, because the representation of disability is seriously terrible and without a fight it can get even worse, because you are rewarding the creator for not sanctioning you

Do you seriously want to be represented by a stalker and a person who builds a relationship on a fucking lie?

Honestly, Chloe wasn't a bad person, it was Thomas who was such a pain in the ass that he tried so hard to antagonize her (And it's sad that people bought it), this isn't Chloe from the first season or the second one, she's a caricature, which is something the creators do with little writing skills

Was Chloe good? Neither, she's best described as an anti-hero, but she's 100% not what Thomas did with her

So yes, Marinette's writing is fucked up, just like the fact that you want the guy who bans black people on Twitter (Because they pointed out the racism in his cartoon) to confirm something he has no fucking clue about

Seriously, neurodivergent people, do you have such low expectations for any representation?

[nonaltercdd]

This one is a little bit more of a personal semi vent and just saying my thoughts out loud regarding my CDD, so if you don't want to read it because mention of DPDR and PTSD go ahead and skip it!

Also, reblogs if you identify with this are completely ok and allowed, if you want to reblog to share some similar experience or something similar do it

Similar thing, if you want to share your story or something similar to this in my ask box go ahead and I'll gladly read it, and post it if you give me your permission

Accepting and visibilizing my own disorder

A little journey about my DID and life impact

One I first know that I have DID I was so scared and alter centered in the moment, my mind couldn't think about anything besides "I have multiple different me inside my head" and it freaked me out. So in my best hopes to get rid of them I just decided to ignore them, "fake it till you make it" like people say, I though faking all that information wasn't real would make the alters go away

But then I started to read a little bit more about the disorder, I was medically recognized by my ex-psychiatric (body's parents pull me out mental care places) so the only thing I knew about it was "Alters and forgetting a lot"

I was 100% sure that I'm forgetful because of my ADHD, now I doubt my own diagnosis, sometimes ADHD tend to be diagnosed instead of DID because of some overlapping or similar symptoms, just like a lot of disorders, so now I have this constant feeling of "What if I'm not ADHD and it was just misdiagnosed DID?", it doesn't scare me because I might be wrong about having ADHD, but because it will meant that I was tricked to believe part of my DID was indeed ADHD just because the stigmatization and lack of proper investigation on the CDDs

Then after a lot of reading I saw that DID wasn't just "the alter disorder" and it had a lot of things going on, starting that it's a trauma disorder "Trauma disorder?" Why would I have a trauma disorder? I don't have trauma" is what I used to tell myself just to put out the idea of having DID, and I was more scared now

The alters part of all this was just a bad memory in the moment, reading about what dissociation was, reading PTSD symptoms and stuff, understanding a trauma dissociative disorder was so frightening I had to give myself long rests to process what I was just reading, I was a fucking blooming teen, I wasn't even 15 years old when all of this came to my knowledge and I was so invested in learning the basics about this to go with that psychiatric and go like "See? It's impossible for me to have that disorder you say, I'm not like this description" just to feel more safe

I couldn't handle the idea of having PTSD, I couldn't handle the idea of having amnesia, I couldn't handle the idea of being dissociative because of trauma

I just couldn't handle it

Because if that was true, that would mean that I was broken, that I was bad, it would mean a lot of things I was and I'm still a little bit scared of admitting "This is who I am", and of course, that would mean I had a name

Because all that I was and maybe I still am is just pain, trauma, suffering and dissociation, having name feels like putting a rock a name, just to feel the sensation you're real, when in reality you're not and it doesn't matter, because only the ones who know you will care a little bit about your name just because they're around you

And after like 3 years staying in my "I don't have this, that's foolish" box I finally come to terms with my DID and it was FUCKING HELL

Alters? Yeah, they were a problem, but you wanna know the biggest problem? Dissociation. My brain just straight up dissociate in many ways and so hard that the body was in constant danger of being hurt and I was getting a lot of external attention because of how overt was the symptom showing just to make myself think I was faking and return to that "I don't have DID" box, denial didn't work so my brain went straight up to drastic just to keep me away from understanding I have DID

It took me a while to get in terms about that, and when it happen things got more relaxed, all my symptoms returned "back to normal", to the normal I was used to but I was denying it was my normal

Now I have a name for all my suffering, now I can understand all what happened and happens to me

I still have denial, I still think I might be faking, but in the end

I have a name and I know what I am, though it scares me to think about it

[safety-pin-punk]

Hey Key,

It feels appropriate to ask you whether I can vent this but I figure tumblr anon communication is a bit slow.

So I was on my way back to my college town on Easter Monday

An acquaintance (not friend) of mine visited family in the same city so we decided to take a train together

Frame of reference: I’m 25NB, she’s 20FTM (she prefers her feminine given name and she/her since she isn’t actively transitioning yet)

We are both physically disabled and mentally ill

Being the queer neurodivergent I am, I went !!! at her and immediately started talking because hey, commonalities!

Half an hour in we moved on from physical disability to talking about the mental stuff and I mention I’m self-do autistic. And she goes “Nah. You can’t be.” And I go “Huh?” “You’re too talkative! You’re ADHD, yes, but you are too social and talkative to be autistic.”

Like… gee, man, maybe because we have met a few times and immediately clocked you as queer and neurodivergent? You think that might be why I’m comfortable talking rapid-fire?

“Nah, we don’t know each other that well, so that can’t be it.”

Right… and then she told me she doesn’t “want to endorse self-dx” because she thinks she might be hypochondriac and therefor any and all self-dx or preemptive diagnose “might make things worse because I think it’s worse than it is”

Like, yes, I understand and she explained she does experience psychosomatic symptoms in response to being stressed/ burnt out. I don’t deny psychosomatic responses. I believe that.

But also she straight-up refuses to look up anything that might help her?? When we were talking about physical disability (we both have chronic pain) I immediately pulled out my phone to send some coping ressources and self-help stuff

And she went “no, I never look at [coping] things, I worry if I read that, I will just convince myself that I’m worse than I actually am.”

Which, okay, reasonable boundary…

I told her about how I started using a walking cane, on my own, decided for myself that it helps. And also how most of my splints/ bandages are self-bought and self-administered because no doctor acknowledged my chronic pain so far.

And she goes “I sometimes have days where I have to drag my leg. I’m like-paraplegic when my psychosomatic symptoms get to their worst. But I would never use a cane! I don’t want to stand out, you know? I don’t want to catch attention.”

And I’m sitting there screaming internally like “You are entitled to be seen! You deserve accommodations! You just said some days you could use a wheelchair!! What the FUCK?!”

Yeah… and the longer our talk goes on, the more I read between the lines that she believes “if I do everything right, it will mostly go away”

Like, she forced herself to stick to “fibro-diet” to combat her rheuma and fibro, which is great on the surface. And then she tells me she forces herself out of bed and forces herself to cook, even if she doesn’t feel like eating, but she just pushes through because “the anti/inflammation diet can help with rheumatism”

And just– …my internal screaming continued.

I don’t want to dislike her! I recognise she’s young(er) and she’s naive and blue-eyed. While I’m just a cynic who’s been depressed for the majority of my life and I stopped giving a fuck about “not standing out” because my neurodivergent ass is too autistic and too ADHD to interact with people without standing out

Like, I’m ““high-functioning”” but at the same time I’m the kind of autistic who never had the chance to fit in. I have always been and will always be “the standoffish weird kid”.

But I just feel bad for her and at the same time I know I don’t want to become friends with someone who’s this blue-eyed “it will all be good if I just do the right thing”

I’m frustrated with her as an acquaintance and I just know if she tries to become my friend I have to give her sooooo many lectures

Among all these other things about how she is allowed to be non-binary and how she doesn’t need HRT to be trans and how she doesn’t have to cower in fear of changes HRT would do to her body because even if she’s binary FTM nobody’s forcing her to go on testo.

Just… so much frustration after this one 3h train ride :/

Fully agree, tumblr anon communication is very slow. Especially on my blog. I go through moods where I answer a bunch of things at once and then dont for a while. (sorry) Long post under cut

First of all, I am so sorry about your friend invalidating your self-dx autism. Personally I'm all for self-dx, anyone whose dealt with doctors long enough knows how hard, how many hoops you have to jump through, and the amount of time and money required to get diagnosed with ANYTHING. I've definitely dealt with my fair share of non-medical professionals telling me both "You dont have this thing I have" but also "You definitely have this thing I dont have".

I see why you are frustrated by someone seemingly not wanting to help themselves. But it seems like she is trying, she just has never been exposed to the right resources to help her. Its kinda like. I went to a SUPER christian university, and there was this gay guy, wonderful dude. His view of his own queerness though? I had only read about people like him online until I met him. He was a pastors son, his whole life he grew up knowing that being gay was wrong and bad. He never had access to the resources he needed to learn how to love that part of himself. Not his own fault at all, but by the time he got to college, there was no changing his views. He now goes around preaching to other kids about his experiences being gay and how he represses it because God. He absolutely broke my heart.

My point it, your friend is young and naieve. She probably has never had access to the resources and information you have. Her experiences have probably been *wildly* different from yours. You can't force a 'fuck it' attitude onto someone like that. You just kinda have to wait and hope they grow into it on their own. Theres nothing wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone like that though. You are responsible for currating your own social experiences. I completely understand your frustration with the whole situation though.

[quietintellectualginger]

I just had a doctor’s appointment

anyways here’s what happened lol

we were supposed to talk about getting me on meds

and then it just spiraled about getting me an adhd diagnosis

which would be great to look into but I really need something for my focus sooner than later

and I didn’t get to bring up the pain in my legs

my therapist said she was gonna mention it to my doctor (they both work at the same place) but she didn’t

and my parents have been clear that they strongly believe that I’m just complaining and making excuses and that it’s just growing pains

which tbh even if it is it’s still concerning how much whatever this is impacts my day-to-day life so much

and my parents still have to get a copy of my autism diagnosis to my doctor

but like- for the adhd diagnosis they gave my parents some shit to fill out- it’s one of those forms that’s lists some symptoms and then you have to pick how much they affect the person in question

it honestly irks me that any of this is being determined by my parents

like I know this is just one step in the diagnosis but it’s like they think that I’m too stupid to know what’s going on in my own brain… and that someone else I don’t even feel comfortable talking to about what’s going on in my brain would know better than me what’s going on in my head

like what the fuck

and there’s another sheet for someone at my school (it just said teacher but it might go to this psychologist person at my school idk it’s weird)

like- no?? the school is shit don’t go to them they don’t give a fuck abt students’ mental health and stuff

they aren’t gonna pick up on this stuff

oh yeah and they upped my meds dosage

I said that in the past I haven’t noticed any huge changes from my meds

or from upping dosages

but apparently they know everything and upping the dosage again is gonna help my focus

and like sure I’ll try it but based on past evidence it really doesn’t seem to be making a difference

anyways yeah that’s all I guess

and I’m feeling fine it just felt good to say this stuff lol

[system-of-a-schizo]

Topic: My thoughts on the deliberate creation of systems. Please correct me if I'm wrong! I made this post in order to teach and learn!

Content warning: mention of RAMCOA, talk about programming and trauma responses.

I recently saw someone talk about how RAMCOA would consist of deliberately traumatizing children so that they would develop DID and be able to program alters into the system they created which gave me the idea to make this post.

With what I know, I don't believe it is possible to deliberately cause someone to develop DID or program alters into a system. I don't know everything about everything though and am usually willing to learn more. If anyone feels comfortable doing so, please tell me what I've gotten wrong.

Deliberate Creation of a System

DID is a covert disorder. Stuff like dissociation isn't easy to pick up on and when it is, it could be due to a number of things from ADHD or depression to a non-epileptic seizure. And while these conditions are often comorbid with DID, they aren't the same thing and can happen independently. How would a group/individual be able to pick up on the dissociative state of the child they were abusing, and be able to tell that this was, in fact, DID forming and not a seperate dissociative disorder like maladaptive daydreaming, depersonalization-derealization disorder, etc?

And why would they deliberately give a child DID? In most cases (as far as I'm aware, that is), DID was not an intended outcome. It's one of many results of one of many uncontrollable protective responses to trauma. It just happens, often without the abuser's or even the victim's knowledge. There is so much risk and none of the benefit of doing something like this.

Programming Alters

Most if what I know of "programming" comes from here which is honestly just a list of trauma responses. I'm not going to go through them all because it's a long list and I only have so much mental energy but I'll go through some that caught my eye.

"Alpha" is a fawn trauma response.

"Beta" is hypersexual behavior/alters or just simply developing a kink from your abuse (a very common occurrence).

"Zeta" is desensitization.

"Eta" is a helplessness commonly seen in victims of consistant abuse.

Then moving in to more psychogenic "programs". First, for those who may not know, psychogenic means that a physical sensation or issue is caused by psychological responses. For example, Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures (PNES). Or a simpler example, experiencing dizziness or maybe joint pain being truggered by something emotionally stressful.

"Narco" sounds like psychogenic fainting.

"Amnesia" could be a psychogenic case of selective amnesia.

"Scramble" could be brainfog.

"Shutdown" could be a conversion disorder, now known as Functional Neurological Disorder (FND). My mom has this disorder. Her mental stress converts into physical symptoms where her mind will slow down and her body will become paralized. She doesn't even have a complex dissociative disorder. Just putting up with my dad's shit for so long took a toll on her and that toll has continued years later.

Conclusion

I'm gonna be fr, I started this weeks ago but dropped it because I ran out of spoons and couldn't pick back up with the same energy so I don't really rememer where exactly I was going with this but yeah. Feel free to share your thoughts with me.

[mental-illness-bingo]

Content Warning: Venting about ableism against ADHD and Autism in a book; mentions of emotional abuse, repeated mentions of elitism within the autism community, "corrective" surgery for mental health disorders, demonizing of medication, encouraging young adults to refuse their medication etc. Note that I haven't finished the book yet, but I intend to, so I suppose it could get better, but what it's done already is abhorrent, and I'm grossed out.

Book in question: The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily by Laura Creedle

This. Book. Is. Killing. Me.

I saw this recommended as a "really good book about autism and ADHD" from someone but I *really* hate it so far (I'm on Chapter 27, about 2/3 way through the book) and it's honestly just blatantly ableist in so many ways. I do not know if Laura Creedle is autistic or has ADHD, but if so? Internalized ableism everywhere. If not then yet another neurotypical asshat who wrote an ableist ass book.

Context: Lily is diagnosed with ADHD and Abelard is diagnosed with "Asperger's".

And let's start there. This book was written in 2017, years after the switch from that N*zi doctor's name to Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is problem #1, and the reason is not that they use that word for it. I can and have enjoyed books while suspending my disbelief around the fact that they maybe didn't know because a significant number of people still don't in 2023.

However, Abelard is the poster child for elitism. He is this super smart kid who just so happens to have trouble with verbal conversation, being late, and sometimes being touched. He is worse than the savant trope because he is literally talked about like a genius. He is inhumanly good at chess, robotics, old literature, video games, just everything he touches, really. In fact, despite him supposedly having serious communication difficulties, when he is texting, he is suddenly able to communicate just like anyone else, with occasional long pauses between texts being the only issue he shows.

And his sole meltdown that has been shown is honestly so toxic and borders abusive to Lily. She is late to their date due to her ADHD, something any of us with it can relate to, and Abelard knows about her ADHD in advance as well as having had seen her symptoms multiple times in person. There is 0 way he didn't know about her having ADHD. Anyway, she's a little late (I think 20 minutes or something but I can't remember tbh with you) and he is visibly angry with her, and she immediately apologizes, explaining that her ADHD causes her issues being on time. Rather than be understanding of his girlfriend's disorder the way she has tried to be with his, he pretty much ignores her. His mother babies him about it, working on setting up everything for him and getting them into the movie wherein he seems to relax (but only after forcing his mother to go get popcorn right this instant because they're watching a movie and he needs popcorn). Then, after a bit, his father is trying to explain the movie to Lily and its history and Abe does NOT like people talking during movies. He yells at his dad, who continues to try and talk, and then has the meltdown in question. Lily tries to touch him to help comfort him and realizes immediately she shouldn't have when he makes a noise as though he is in pain. He begins slamming his head off the table, which is reasonably off putting to Lily, and she asks his father for help. His father mentions his mom would usually be here and that Lily "shouldn't have been late", basically accusing her of causing the meltdown even though he kept pushing when his son told him they were watching a movie. Lily panics and exits to the kitchen because she feels helpless and upset that she can't do anything for him.

All of this is relatively understandable behavior, I guess. I don't really love that he yelled at his father and mother both in this scene for normal things because it paints autistic people as unreasonable and irrational, but it is true that sometimes meltdowns are caused by people continually doing normal things that happen to really get under our skin. His parents should know his triggers and avoid pushing them because they are his parents. Lily, on the other hand, is a child and one with her own neurodivergent struggle, and should never in any way have been strapped with the blame both because it is not her job to tiptoe around a boy she has been dating for a few days with triggers no one warned her about, and because the issue at hand is a symptom of her own disorder and is equally as in her control as Abelard's reaction to her being late is in his.

BUT THEN while panicking in the kitchen, Lily breaks something on accident as she often does and tries to leave and Abe's mom makes a whole thing out of it. She becomes physically intimidating to Lily, smashing a glass on purpose to "help" the situation, which obviously makes Lily uncomfortable, and half-threatens her to go back into her son's room even though she wants to go. Throughout the entire next scene Lily mentions in her narration wanting to go home and while I think it's important that Lily learns coping skills outside of running away, it is equally within her right to be too stressed by Abe's reaction to her being late and choose to break up with him. Lily is not required to stay with Abe just because she's the only girl he has brought home, and intimidating her into staying is disgusting.

To Abe's credit, he mentions that his mother used his sob story to make Lily stay. Then he loses 100% of that credit in the most entitled scene I've read in a long time where Lily is pressured to not only stay in that house and in that relationship, but also promise to NEVER be late again even though it is a symptom of her own disorder. She mentions that this seems to be the only way to make him happy and that "promising to try harder is not enough". So, more or less, she is in a relationship where she cannot ever show symptoms of her disorder without him giving her the silent treatment, yelling at everyone around him, and smashing his head into a table.

No one ever mentions at any time during this or after that Abelard also should be learning positive coping skills or teaching her how to help with his meltdowns or anything like that. She should just be expected to never show a symptom of her own disorder so that he doesn't react in a very toxic/honestly kind of abusive way. Cannot stress enough that he does not treat her kindly again until she promises she will literally never be late ever again. Not try - NEVER late again.

Abe strongarms multiple people like this throughout the book. His mother with the popcorn, his father with talking during a movie, his robotics teacher where he literally stands there and repeats "I invited my girlfriend to robotics" over and over again until, despite safety concerns, the teacher gives up and allows Lily to stay if she signs a waiver (which she doesn't read and is not the legal age to sign anyway), and Lily when he wants to tell her something but tells her she is not allowed to speak until he has finished then gets visibly angry (as noted by Lily) when she answers a question he asked her out loud. His meltdowns are used as a threat of sorts to the people around him and a manner of controlling them. It is worth noting I have only in my entire life met one autistic person who did this and surprise surprise, they were abusive and had a history of using meltdown threats to R word multiple people. That is not autistic behavior. It is abuse being hidden behind the excuse of autism, and it's gross in every context, including this book.

So, onto Lily's ADHD. Lily is constantly breaking things, constantly late, runs out of any even slightly uncomfortable situation, does not care about the emotions of her mother or her sister, and is overall a really gross ADHD stereotype. But that's okay! Why? Because she will be fixed via corrective surgery. Yes, you read that right. But let's go into why medication didn't work for her first.

Lily lists throughout the book her hatred of her current and all past medications, of which there is a number she lost count of. Because the author treats this ADHD character like a goldfish who was just given access to a human body for the first time and therefore cannot remember anything (or walk two steps without smashing something valuable), that number could still be relatively small. The book doesn't treat it as a small number though, so we're going to assume she's tried most ADHD medications, and is currently taking an antidepressant as a manner of treating ADHD which is so far in the past as far as treatment goes that I don't even know which medication they're talking about.

The typical antidepressants (SSRI's) are not used to treat ADHD at all to my knowledge, and SSNRI's are only really used if every other form of ADHD medication has failed you and even then are rarely used as far as anyone I know with ADHD. Why? Because there are actual medications that help ADHD, and a good amount of them. Realistically, the concept that 0 of them worked for Lily is statistically improbable. The only antidepressant really used to treat ADHD actively is Bupropion, but the emotional blunting the surgeon Lily sees says is a side effect of her medication is not a side effect associated with Bupropion. In fact, Wellbutrin/Bupropion is often used for people either in combination with or as a replacement for other antidepressants to counteract the emotional blunting they cause.

The demonizing of medication in this book is dangerous. Lily hates every medication because all of them have stripped her of her ability to feel anything positive. The book does not mention any other ADHD character that tolerates medication well, or even speak about it as though it is just not working for her. It does not explain that if Lily went to the doctor and told them her side effects, that they would *immediately* taper and remove a medication that is causing emotional blunting and sui thoughts. The book doesn't mention that this is an abnormal side effect - in fact it's says it's a common side effect of antidepressants. It also treats medication as some sort of weird muzzle that is put on people with ADHD so their loved ones (in this case Lily's mom, sister, and teachers) can tolerate them. The book does not mention any positive effects of any medication for ADHD at all. I hate to think how many kids were made afraid of or resentful of their meds by this book.

The book details specific ways to avoid taking your medication, and even how to hide it so you can (tw sui mention) take them all with vodka to hurt yourself. This is not something Lily attempts in the book, but was just thinking about, and therefore did NOT need to be described in detail. The book even acts like sui watch is stupid and unnecessary, and does not detail the dangers if Lily were to take all of these medications at once with alcohol. So basically they wrote in a non-precautionary sui method for kids with ADHD that also involves months or years of medication non-compliance. Great. /sarcasm

But like I said, that's not the worst of it. What upset me enough to write this whole rant is the next part. Lily's mother finally giving up on the neurologists (which... weird because everyone I know with ADHD was treated by a psychiatrist not ever a neurologist), and going to a literal brain surgeon for some sort of electrodes to be placed in her brain that is supposed to permanently change how her synapses fire.

This is the ableist buffet, and for a while Lily feels the same and by a while I mean 2-4 pages. Then she decides that she will see the doctor if her Mom does something for her, and forgets all about the upset of having her mother feel the need to cure her.

In fact, when Lily meets the doctor, it takes him almost no time to convince her that she not only needs but also wants the corrective surgery, spouting about how she could go to college right now if she does it, when college would not have even been an option before.

It is gross on every single level and I looked up this surgery and ITS FAKE ITS NOT EVEN REAL. This author literally made up a fake corrective surgery for ADHD, I wanna puke.

I literally do not even want to read this for the story anymore I just have to know how much worse it can possibly get. If it's bad maybe I'll reblog and add on to this.

Edit: HOW could I possibly forget Lily's Dad? A total deadbeat who cheated on her mother and ran off to Portland, who was only able to interact with his daughter while actively drinking when he still lived with them, who is constantly switching what he wants to do in his life to the point that he can't hold a job, and who refuses to talk to let alone see either of his daughters in the years since he's been gone because he "can't keep a phone". And why is he like this? As the books tells you very explicitly about 2/3 of the way in, he is like this because he also has ADHD. Lovely. He had this apparently entirely inspired, amazing, never-been-done idea for his dissertation in college. But then he more or less got bored and overwhelmed with the idea so he just dropped it, left college and his family, and ran away to Portland. All because he has ADHD, because the author thinks that's what this disorder is - an inability to have any responsibility or finish anything ever no matter what it is or how important. The author treats ADHD like it's a lobotomy and I hate it here.

Maybe don't read The Love Letters of Abelard and Lily.

Edit: see reblog. It got so much worse, not better.

[ancientgoddessofegypt]

I bought a reading from ancientgoddessofegypt and I am late with my review I promised due to literal failing health and I wanted my review to be perfect for her due to her kindness, talent, speed, and AUTOMATIC SUPER SONIC HYPNOTIC FUNKY FRESH talent and so I am using lyrics as the 90s baby I am.

And emojis cos I right now cannot toss actual biodegradable glitter at her and plan a super cool party in her honor because

1. I'm fucking broke

2. I'm actually dying. Cancer, tumors, PCOS or endo? They dunno but they said they'll get back to me soon! And it was rude of me asking for results at 5pm on Friday. She really did hang up on me.

3. I am 32 and I wanted to see BTS in 2025 and after being suicidal since I was 9 and holding on for so long and now to maybe having cancer and dying before 2025 BTS TIME is lowkey annoying me. I didn't even unwrap my YOONGI MERCH I GOT WHEN MY ASS HAD MONEY BEFORE I GOT SICK.

4. I really said fuck it we ball, and now I might not get to ball? Ain't that bout a bitch.

BUT HER READING WAS THE BESTEST EVER AND I AM BEGGING YOU TO NEVER EVER ADVERTISE ON ETSY FUCK YOU ETSY AND YOU ARE MORE THAN A STAR YOU ARE TALENTED AND KIND AND KINDNESS IS SO RARE THAT I REALLY DO THINK I GAVE WON LOTTO WHEN SOMEONE GOES I HEAR YOU.

When I tell y'all that I was told by my sperm donor today that my dying is upsetting to him because I never told him about my "health problems" and I said wait. I have told you since I was in the single digits and you always replied "I don't wanna hear that shit" and I went? Then how am I suppose to tell you I am dying? "YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS FOR A PAST MISTAKE"

*looks into the camera like the office*

Me informing you of my weak immune system and doing so for 32 years of you knowing me and saying to shut the fuck up if I mention pain is a wild take to have when the pain finally means dying, but ok!

I have literally had several seizures, a constanr fever, and I now have no immune system, and I went damn I ain't even gonna see BTS in 2025 and now I'm in trouble for being sick in the open while in charge of 3 disabled adults with no money.

My tone of dying offendes him.

He went on to blame my poor mental health and believing him when he said he studied my ADHD.

He literally said, no! It WAS YOUR JOB TO INFORM ME OF YOUR SYMPTOMS BUT YOU JUST JUMP SUBJECT TO SUBJECT AND RANT WHEN I ASK FOR HELP.

I really did give up on life there I did. Because I then asked, so me saying several things in several sentences to explain 32 years of health problems is making you angry and making you feel bad because I said I am now dying due to you ignoring my health and I wanted to know what I can do for you and mom before I die since I am well, dying.

Me dying from problems I continued to tell you about and you kept telling me it was rude to talk about and unladylike is now my fault? Because I should have said it nicer?

When I cried in pain you told me to shut the fuck up.

When I went quiet you yelled at me saying I was a bitch.

Now I am dying and don't look pretty, and you're upset I closed my door to cry about me dying.

While I am literally cleaning up your liquid shit, mom's pee stained mattress, and now grandma's dementia and novody left me money to do antthing but a text saying God Bless ajd WATCH YOUR TONE!

I'm laughing because deadass, God forbid women do anything.

Tumblr, am I the asshole for asking how I can continue to be of perfect daughter service although I am actively dying and trying to inform parents of said dying when for years they told me to "shut the fuck up" and "all you young people do is talk about death"!

Doesn't matter now folks. I am out of time soon unless some deity steps in, the USA healthcare system thinks of black women as humans, and I can afford said treatment.

But wild how me dying and not looking pretty got the VA doctors to step in and finally ask for extra testing because "hmmm you have little to no immune system and this will hurt your chance of becoming pregnant" let's take a look?

I asked for help for over a decade now, and was told help would arrive when my husband and I want children and I do not get pregnant quickly.

I'm 32, a virgin, and asexual. But thank you for that solid medical advice.

Red state? Well technically the world thinks Georgia is purple aka red and blue and a swing state, but I've been here since I was in 6th grade and it's absolutely red.

But you're black?

Yes. And the black people here are mainly red. And Christian. I am not.

"Move?"

Chronic pain and several disabilities not taken serious because I am "pretty, smart, and have a smart phone". I have literally less than $1000 in my bank account and at this point I'm just drinking energy drinks and buying my cat whatever she wants.

Yoongi, my bestie in my head, the fucking way I might not get to see you in person again with the whole BTS squad and Halsey...

I really said fuck it, we ball, and the universe said girl... The thing is...

Yoongi, bro I got this new galaxy z flip4 with the last of my savings (shoutout to backmarket for letting me coupon while dying awoman) and i only update my phone every 3-5 years and only for under $300 lmaooooo and bro...

Min Yoongi I don't even get to write you a sticky note saying "please wear saftey glasses when sanding wood, the dust can be harmful to your eyes and if i had a wood shop class you would be escorted out for not having glasses on and if you said but it's not big deal i would go 🫥 and nod and smile.

And because I LOVE YOU i am going to be in the spirit of Swag Surfin for you. But my heart? I am going this dumbass water sign really on the front row of Samsung who I thought he owned in 2021 but he don't, and he not gonna own it cos he thinks sanding wood WITHOUT glasses is no big deal. All purple everything frfr but bro... What the fuck. i gotta get him to be safe with wood and DUST i am... bro... the dust! Samsung ceos Min Yoongi is the best at rapping and being cool forgive his woodwork vlogs without safety glasses i know in his HEART THAT IS FULL OF PURPLE LOVE is committed to greatness. (please help me use this z flip 4 phone b4 i die i'mma figure it out)

someone: she's dying and beefing with a kpop dude not wearing safety goggles while in a wood working area and sanding? am i reading this review of services correct? 🤔🤔🤔

yeah. libra sun libra mercury libra mars. scorpio rising. lilith in capricorn. virgo moon. iconic huh? 😉

i wanna be in a pink jumpsuit recycling in Barbie land with pink safety equipment. but i'm in the real world and was shoved to the air force for being too smart and conviently poor.

the usa doesn't have a conscription its so much better than south korea hehehe says the online western chatter

Shoutout to us niggas in the usa, and when i say us niggas, i mean us black girlies who were told we talk too white and we better NOT have a baby with our fast ass and you better do better than them cos they not gonna listen to you anyways, oh and fuck your man hating ass for thinking your father and brother and male family members should treat others with respect! ya lil oreo ass think you too good now thinkin you know things. God don't like ugly! and you thinkin that sex without consent is rape is crazy talk and you need to mind ya fuckin business and what the fuck you mean i'm abusive? I GAVE YOU FOOD CLOTHING AND TOYS AND NOW YOU WANNA BRING UP OLD SHIT ABOUT ME NOT BELIEVING YOUR PAIN? WELL I DID THE BEST I COULD AND YOU YOUNG FOLKS TODAY THINK DEATH DEATH DEATH AND THE TIKITY TOK AND HUMAN RIGHTS AND THE WHITE MAN GOT TO RAPE FOR YEARS AND GET AWAY ON TV WITH IT BUT OUR MEN GET IN TROUBLE? NOW?SEEM LIKE BULLSHIT TO ME! WHY YOU KEEPING A BROTHA DOWN????? WE ALL WE GOT. IF YOU JUST KEEP GOD IN YOUR HEART AND STOP LISTENIN TO THEM LIL GAY ASS KPOP BOYS WITH MAKEUP YOU'D KNOW. AND BELIEVE HER? SHE WAS THE ONE WITH WEAVE DOWN TO HER ASS AND AT THE CLUB AT 2AM SHE SHOULDA KEPT HER BLACK ASS IN THE HOUSE MAKIN HER PUSSY MUSIC SEE Y'ALL WANT EQUAL RIGHTS BUT IF I HIT YOU YOU WANNA CRY FOUL SEE THATS THAT BULLSHIT YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS BITCH. ANYWAYS DO YOU. I KNOW WHATS RIGHT.

*applauds Tyler Perry movie of a black man mocking a black woman in a dress*

*applauds Kanye for speaking the truth about "the Jews"*

*says black women should know better than to leave home at night, on the weekends, at rush hour, during the holidays, and while being alone*

*makes fun of darker skinned black women*

*frames Bull Cosby as innocent and Aaliyah was a whore who asked for it and her parents signed the papers so what can you do*

*i'm not against the gays* *calls crying bitch ass behavior*

*judges black women for hair(all hair, long short curly straight she should know better either way)*

*if you read the poor dad rich dad book then you'd be somewhere*

*yells at cashier for not smiling* so you don't want a job? entitled bitch doesn't deserve $15 for standing there!* worker not getting even $10 but go off i guess?

*when you having kids? i wanna spoil someone now*

*You always bringing up that man hating white women shit.*

I asked for equality and you said I hated men. You told me she's a whore, and she's a man hating dyke bitch. She's pretty and she's ugly for thinking she is pretty.

She better take care of her whole family, and start her own while being independent and knowing her place, under the Man.

Questions? Disobience. Liberal arts bullshit.

Black Lives Matter. BOUT DAMN TIME.

Black women? Well you see.... She wore this and sure girl power but not like that, and what do you mean this is bad? she asked for it being in the dark in the movies in room with men in that building in that lip gloss in that area without an alarm without a gun she knew better!

I don't know any black men who has mistreated a girl like that! she lyin! i can tell by the way she looks. lyin ass raggity black bitch. this why black men hate y'all lil weavealicious black bitter bitches.

"i'm sick of trump and his bullshit shit." *parrots trump talking points word for word* no this different because i have never hit your mother even though i should have beat her ass for the way she talked to me and i told her everyday to be thankful i don't hit her and that me calling her stupid isn't so bad because other women have marks so fuck you for saying i hate women when i forgave my nephew for sexually assaulting several women because God said forgive and that is MY opinion!

he, my black dark skinned father and light skinned black mother says "we all we got" and i am just an oversensitive bitter man hating bitch who needs to calm down cos other people have it worse.

we. all. we. got.

then i ain't got shit huh.

Anyways it be ya own squad.

Dying at this point would be a relief from the hell that has been being a black woman in the USA in the last 32 years.

But the love reading i got gave me strength to speak up about my troubles to one more person and the woman started a direct case for getting me help.

i'll keep y'all updated if you want.

if this is confusing i am sorry frfr but at this point i'm lowkey not caring about typos

and i am so sorry my samsung homies but the emojis...

whew... they ugly.

Yoongi. Yoongi. Yoongi

i turnedback on my old ass cheap ass iphone and got a new number within like 15 hrs of switching to samsung.

the way my libra ass couponed 2 phones and under $50 for 2 phone lines is kinda iconic for a dying poor bitch huh! 🤌🏾

😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😷😎🧐🤠

i just wanted to use the cowboy emoji cos heehaw and i was a horse girl and this could probably explain so much if i thought about it more but i'm not cos i'm sleepy and found a cherry vanilla coke and i wanna play the bts island game. add me borahae hoes everyone welcome soon as i remember my login in

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💓💓💓💓💗💗💖🩷💖💞💞💕💕💕❣️❣️💟💘💘💘💌💌💌🩷🩷🩷💜🧡🩵🧡💙💛💚💛💚💛💜🧡🤎🩷❤️💞❤️🩷💥💥💥💫💫💫💯💯💯💯💯

buy her reading i am so serious.

like i am literally wanting to know how much more time i have left from testing for several varioua bad outcomes and i am using my time to write this I AM SO SORRY I AM LATE SIS I REALLY AM!!!!!

OMG I LOVE YOU!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEW BABES I LOVE THIS <33333333

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

Apparently I did something wrong with one reblog. Let it be said and known I never mean to hurt people with the things I do or say. Doesn't mean it never happens.

However, I am deeply shaken by the fact that, as I've read on other Tumblrs before, even within a single disorder family - autism, here - there can be so much anger and hatred towards fellow autistics who think/feel/function differently.

It's a spectrum for a reason.

On top of that, life itself is a spectrum. Experiences, age, environment, all have an impact on who and what you become, on top of having a brain that works so differently from societal norm that, as in my case, you can spend 42 years of life trying to figure out wtf is wrong with yourself and one day find an answer by pure chance.

Am I lucky my symptoms are mild/bearable? No. They've been worse to the point I almost stabbed my husband once, a few years ago, in a complete meltdown. It would've been an accident. I still can't forget that happened and the sheer terror of realizing a fraction of a second later what was happening against my will.

I spent two years in utter suffering. Stressed beyond bearable. In physical pain. In mental anguish. Ignored or unhelped by so-called experts while seeking medical attention and ruling out option by option, never finding what was wrong... until a friend mentioned she thought she was autistic, I looked into it, and realized that was it.

There is no single way to be autistic. Some have it worse, some have it better. A friend of mine never had a meltdown. Another is able to hold a fulltime job. Yet another has oft debilitating panic attacks. I spent thirty years of my life with mind-consuming anxieties (ten years of which with social phobia, fifteen-ish with intense time anxieties - which I only now got control on thanks to plant supplements that help ADHD!), depression, limited endurance, ever ever guilting myself for not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, resilient enough...

Every experience is valid and real.

And, sometimes, one person really only reblogs a picture because it speaks to them, and nothing else. No ill intention. Only a moment of relating.

Edit: let it be said that, in the meantime, the miscommunication was smoothed out and myself and the hurt party talked things over. And I learned a couple of things regarding how Tumblr works (I really, really am not Tumblr savvy, I'm old gen and been on internet since '99).

One thing for sure, I now understand how reblogs work and how not to use them. <<