#not anyone else in the system and theyre not me but I feel like these are the only things that define me thatt isnt just trauma and mental

[snekdood]

Yknow what makes me reaentful? How ive been sexually abused so much growing up, no one did shit besides shove me off to a therapist, ive been promised by feminist spaces that ill have a place to heal within them, and as soon as my abusive ex tries to smear me and project their behavior on to me by accusing me of doing that shit too, all the sudden everyone acts suspicious, and i still dont get any of that promised healing. Its hard not to feel like my ex did this intentionally to prevent me from having a space to heal. And its my issue with the "believe victims" narrative because it seems to me like people dont actually want to believe victims but to believe the victims they *like* and *agree more with politically*. If people can just say whatever about someone and you feel obligated to believe them because "believe victims", its very clearly going to be exploited by abusive people, and while i dont think we should stop per se, we need to have some sort of actual system to vet who is and isnt telling the truth, like a pseudo-courtroom. At the very least let everyone and their side of the story actually be heard. Bc idk how you guys plan to believe two victims at once who are accusing eachother other than throwing your hands up and picking one or deciding that we're both bad, which doesnt seem very fair to me since people seem to looove demonizing me for no discernable reason.

[fish-and-forbear]

PFFJBSHANSKDBANKSHCBDNSJ

Stood up after 20 minutes since collapsing after my first fairly hard walk in months and IMMEDIATE jelly legs.

Boys. What did you do..... xD

The power of Blind Guardian's newest album "The God Machine" just compels us so, I suppose!!! That and the trigger of "it's Questing time need to Power Through the Pain!! and FINISH THE QUEST!!! the sun is SHINING it is QUEST TIME >:D !!!!"

....... but the quest is just. Walking home from leaving the car at the mechanic ..... x'D

I really appreciate their enthusiasm and this is not at all unfamiliar, I have had this happen SO many times very consistently but never had a name or face to put to this experience. Now I actually have someone to blame (in a lighthearted affectionate way) and they feel 0 remorse. Which is fine because they're right, we needed this. <3

- Fisher

[plutonianeris]

pick a pile: how does this new love feel like a fairytale? ⛓️💗

this is a general reading so take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Interpret & choose based on your inner guidance and gut feeling. messages can be either from you, them or both🍒

𓆩♱𓆪Pile one

right off the bat this is someone whose been eyeing you for a while. they could be the type that stare in awe at the pictures you post on social media “so pretty” or when they met you that have that immediate attraction.. “who is that?” lol them asking their friends when you walk in. this honestly feels like a fairytale because theyve been wanting you for a while but theyve been super patient i heard “no hard feelings” theyre actually so sweet (im getting water sign suns: cancer, pisces, scorpio energy oop 🙈).

like they have no problem admiring you from afar at alllll. they are mesmerized by you. and honestly they could have been a little toxic before meeting you (not abusive, but someone unable to share their emotions in a healthy way). it seems like they dont want u to see them in the shades and shadows of their trauma, wounds, healing. for them you are the light at the end of that tunnel. i heard “my day was pretty shitty until you showed up” they are willing to work hard for you. they are also very attractive & in an unconventional way (unique hair, being really tall, tattoos, something like that makes them stand out especially in their friend group).

💌letter from their pov;

I know you dont need me. you dont really look like the type to depend on anyone. I can see it in the way you eye people, especially men, with suspicion. you question my motives and thats fair. when youre that beautiful and charming, theres bound to be people that just want to use you. that are dying to be in you energy just to get the chance to say they were in your presence. i dont wanna be like that. i dont wanna be another read message in your phone. i dont wanna be another face that disappears in the crowd for you. and i know you feel that way too. that the worst thing for you isnt to be talked about. its to be ignored. its to be underestimated. trust me when i say since the moment i laid eyes on you, i never once doubted you. i know you are capable of bringing men to their knees with your eyes. i know that your laugh makes my pulse speed up. i know that you make me feel special. and sometimes i get jealous, wondering if you make other people feel that way too. I want to give you the whole world if you just let me.

𓆩♱𓆪Pile two

this new love feels like a fairytale because this happened in the moment when you’re least expecting it and also after you’re recovering from something. Whether it be a relationship break up with a partner or you just changing things in your life, like moving to a different neighborhood or no longer believing in certain things that were very important in your belief systems in the past. this is like a prince or princess, waiting to rescue you. At first, though it seems like you’re suspicious of this energy. You could find that they are way too good with their words. “too good to be true” “I bet you say that to all the girls/guys” energy. but honestly, it seems like you’re the only one that can keep up with them. You don’t give into them like other people do, and they constantly want to impress you by telling you random facts or teaching you about some thing they learned abroad or when traveling.

I am getting a sense that they are very flirty, but with other people it never goes past that it’s just something they do in the moment or theyre just really playful. But even as they’re talking to someone else, their eyes can’t seem to leave you even if you’re across the room. You like your routine and consistency so changing things about your own life is hard, much less accepting other people in. So when they flirt with you, you might not immediately flirt back. you might roll your eyes, but you can’t help but smile when they turn away. you could be someone with earth placements, especially capricorn or virgo. They give off a lot of mischievous energy. This other person could have a gemini placement, third house placements or ninth house placements (if ur into astro).

💌letter from their pov;

Relationships have never really been a priority for me. I mean, cmon I'm young. Isn't it the whole point to experience as much as I can? I know other people have things to say about me.. maybe I lead some people on. Maybe sometimes you feel that way too. But I promise it's not really like that. Well, with you, it isn't. I'm just inexperienced. And I guess that doesn't really stop me from flirting so much and being so cocky…But the truth is I crave your attention badly. You look like you really know what you want in life. And for me, that's all I ever wanted. Because when you know what you want, you get it. and thats when you really start living. After that, even our mistakes are our own and beautiful and intimate in their own way. I see the weariness in your eyes when you look at me. I know you're wondering if I am even worth your time. I promise I am. I promise I can be. And if I'm not, then you can just never speak to me right then and there, I swear. But I know there's more than weariness in your gaze as well. I know you are just as curious about me as I am about you.

𓆩♱𓆪Pile three

This love feels like a dark romance. This pile is not as lighthearted as the previous two at all. It feels like a fairytale in that "magical" sense though because it will feel like love at first sight. You both will feel immediately physically attracted to the other but what makes it even more intense is that at first no one seems to be able to make the first move. It might seem too good to be true to the point where you don't even wanna disturb the "illusion." You dont wanna burst the bubble. Also, the magnetic attraction you feel/ that slow burn makes it even more desirable for both of you. In synastry, you both might have a lot of conjunctions (especially with pluto, moon, and mars). I also pulled north node synastry as well (and this synastry makes it feel like you're meant to be aka its destiny. but its also uncomfortable). "I have never felt like this before" energy.

Honestly, I see this pile as being able to go both ways and it can easily make you feel heartbroken. You might have venus-pluto placements yourself or 8th house placements or they do. When you are together though, you both hate when other people interrupt. You love your alone time. It feels really good. This pile is all about intense eye contact, glancing down at each others lips, meeting in secret, getting jealous when other people try to talk to the other, hands brushing as you walk but never fully touching. But then devouring each other when alone (if you both end up trusting each other when to get there because, again, one of you or both are hesitating). If you open your heart and learn to trust and communicate in a healthy manner, it could be a life changing connection.

💌letter from their pov;

It feels wrong to fantasize about you the way I do. But I can't really help it. I think about the way your back would feel arched under my palm. your lips on mine, tongues meeting, teeth clashing. I look at your hands and imagine them gripping the sheets at the same time I grip your thighs. It feels wrong that these are things that have crossed my mind since I first met you. sometimes I try to lie to myself. Tell myself that maybe im not really that into you. but its such bullshit. even then, theres the what if. what if. what if. it looks like every odds are against us. we are complete opposites. it might never work. but im willing to take that risk. im willing to bet on us. even if it falls apart. but judging from the way you freeze up when we make eye contact I know its far beyond that. I know you felt it too. the day we met, how you paused. i know that we would love hard. and fall harder. and if it doesnt work out, it would be devastating. and yet, i would still decide to do it all over again. and you would too. life is too short. I dont want us to be a what-if.

[lotties-ashwagandha]

how the yellowjackets would react to you being sick (headcanons)

i wrote these forever ago when i had the flu and they got lost in my drafts enjoyyyy gender neutral reader i think but taissa does reference her partner as her wife. also if the pics on this don’t format right (theyre supposed to be 3 in a row and then the header) pls tell me sometimes it fucks up :(

SHAUNA

sees you sneeze once and runs to the store for cold medicine with the fervor of middle aged preppers fist fighting for toilet paper in 2020

she would do or get absolutely anything you wanted, would go and buy takeout food from your favorite restaurants or make sure you’re comfortable wherever you’re situated

will make sure you’re taking whatever medicine you need, whether it’s just over the counter cough medicine or it’s something prescribed by a doctor. you can’t put up a fight with her about it bc you’ll never win. she gets so intense about it but it’s ultimately for your good and you know that

also just likes to hold you. she cancels whatever plans she has and you lay and watch movies together — she might not like everything you pick to watch but she’ll put up with anything to make you feel a bit better. as for the close proximity of holding you, she doesn’t care if she gets sick because she knows you’ll take care of her once you’re better in the same way she cared for you. plus i’d imagine her immune system is of fucking steel after having a baby in the wilderness???? no germs are getting on this woman ok and ykw that probs goes for all of them they probably have some fucked up forest girl immunity or smthn idk im not a doctor don’t come at me

LOTTIE

she’ll never admit it ever but at first she gets kind of excited because she’s been waiting for someone to fall ill so she can try out a new herbal remedy

but then she sees how upset you are and how much discomfort you’re in and feels guilty

anyway rich girl lottie is averse to germs and when you first get sick she handles you a bit like you’re a giant jellyfish someone’s trying to throw at her , she wants to help you but girl has a whole wellness center to run she is not getting sick

until she caves and you’re cuddled in bed together watching movies because she can’t keep away from you

she lets you watch whatever you want while you’re sick , but she does get a bit bored sometimes when you’re asleep so she flips the channel to nature documentaries. she’ll flip it back to whatever you were watching immediately after you wake up tho, and yes of course she was watching your horror movies instead of bird watching shows go back to sleep

she also cooks for you while you’re sick — probably not very well, but she won’t allow anyone else cooking for you because she wants to make sure you’re eating quality food that will help you get better and not just anything you could pick up

she gets very protective over you and over your health in general and won’t allow anyone to come bother you, if you work outside the wellness center she makes sure your bosses aren’t being bitches about you being sick and she ensures everything’s in order to her standards

TAISSA

panics because she has absolutely no idea what to do when you get sick, probably googles “what to do when your wife is sick” and follows the wikihow

she’ll take a few days off work for once to look after you, it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is to you because she hardly ever takes time off from the campaign

she’s very stereotypical in the way she takes care of you — she’ll make you chicken noodle soup, get you blankets, everything she knows is the “standard” of taking care of someone with a cold but she works so hard to make sure everything’s perfect for you

she knows you’re miserable so she’ll try to make you laugh when you’re sick. telling you stupid jokes, funny stories from work, anything she can think of. your body is down but she won’t let your mental health go down with it especially if you already struggle with mental health

might offer you some dirt and a spot in her tree if you’re lucky

VAN

knows you’re sick before you do it’s some psychic ass shit she just KNOWS

you sneeze once and she’s like “oh I bought you some cold medicine earlier” like ??? girl ok whatever

she usually loves to make you watch her old dvds and tapes but when you’re feeling bad she puts on a marathon of your favorite movies

she buys you a lot of sweets. she’d be one of those “chocolate fixes everything” girls and whenever she would go out to buy you something she would come back with some sort of treat for you

she lets your rant about being sick if you’re one of those people who get grumpy when you get sick, she wants you to trust her and feel safe enough to express your distress

NATALIE

i think we all know natalie isn’t the best person in health and wellness situations but she does make it fun to be sick at least !

raids the vending machine for you

will probably google how to take care of you like taissa , but thinks the instructions are too long and gives up

will probably call misty and make her bring over whatever medicine you’d need because she knows she’ll fuck it up picking it out herself

she’s silent on the bed for an hour and then announces “i made you a spotify playlist” out of the blue. it has like 5 songs on it but they’re all very very very meticulously selected and she’s so proud of it, she knows it cant help you get better physically but hopes it will make you happy

warns you not to get her sick as if it’s something you can control. looks at you so sternly and goes “don’t. don’t get me sick.” it makes you roll your eyes

MISTY

she’s been waiting for this day her whole life tbh not in a creepy way but in a loving “i want to take care of you” way

will do absolutely everything to make sure you’re comfortable when you’re sick, she would kill for you (she would anyway but especially when you’re not feeling well)

knows a bunch of get better health hacks from all the reddit forums she’s stalked over the years and only half of them work but it shows that she cares

tries to search amazon to see if there’s a little covid mask she can get caligula “just in case”

she makes you watch true crime documentaries with her and narrates every episode and then gives you all her hot takes afterwards. you can’t escape and she takes advantage of it

[many-but-one]

i believe survivors of RAMCOA when they talk about the abuse they suffered, but the one thing i cannot wrap my head around is how abusers purposefully program alters? and this makes the moral ocd worms in my brain go NUTS.

i think i dont understand bc not every child who goes through severe torture/abuse will develop DID/OSDD and it feels way more probable that abusers arent attempting to make alters so much as theyre conditioning certain responses (and if a childs brain happens to split these experiences into alters then thats a byproduct that benefits the abuser).

all of this makes me feel like a bad ally to RAMCOA survivors, and while its not your job to educate me would you mind explaining how the programming alters aspect works?

[Trigger warning: talking about how programming works and why not all children who experience RAMCOA develop DID or may not end up becoming fully programmed. Brief mentions of child death. Mentions of child torture. Nothing in detail, obviously. Also talking a lot about how the deprogramming process works. If you are a programmed system yourself and you worry this could be triggering, have grounding items nearby just in case.]

Note: when I say “successfully” or “properly” programmed system, I’m talking about in the eyes of the abusers. Also, this is talking about TBMC (torture based mind control) programmers. I have to put that disclaimer because you wouldn’t believe how many confused computer programmers I’ve gotten in comment sections on other socials.

So, the reason not every child who goes through RAMCOA develops DID is because developing DID requires some pre-requisites. Things like genetic predisposition to dissociate actually do make a big difference. Also, how early the abuse started. If someone goes through RAMCOA trauma, but not until they’re older and their personality has already begun integrating (which can happen younger in some children, even as young as around age 5-7, though some researchers have said personality integration can happen as late as the teen years) it will be significantly harder to develop DID and therefore properly program the child. In addition, how much access programmers have to the child, how long they had access to the child, and how much support the child has outside of the abuse are also contributing factors.

If programmers see this kid one week out of the month, the parents don’t know about it and therefore the kid has a relatively okay home life with love and support, and they only have access to the kid for a couple years, that’s not going to be good grounds for programmers being able to properly do what they want to do. Some may still try if they don’t have access to anyone else, but this rarely creates a “successful” programmed system. Conversely, if they see the kid every day or multiple days a week, a parent is in on it/they have a bad home life where abuse (of possibly a lesser magnitude but not always) occurs, the parents are neglectful or very busy and likely to not notice things, and they have access to this kid for several years, that makes for a better chance that this kid will be properly programmed.

Because of all of these factors, programmers will often pick children who they know have parents with PTSD or CPTSD (or a dissociative disorder, if the parent has disclosed that to them), who they can access early in their life or have prior history of abuse (so are more likely to already have begun developing a dissociative disorder), and whom they have access to frequently. Sometimes, the child’s parent will be programmed by the group themselves and be born quite literally just to be programmed by the group. Some groups take great care in keeping family groups within the group because that creates stronger loyalty bonds and gives them easy access to children to program. It’s not uncommon for a group goal to be for their grown programmed systems to have kids to eventually give to the group, which is why apprehending a programmed system and having them work on deprogramming before this can happen is essential.

A lot of kids that programmers desire to program actually end up “failing out” because they aren’t able to take to the programming. Depending on the group, this could mean they will end the kid’s life or they will just stop the programming-related abuse altogether. And contrary to what most people know, even successfully programmed children have loads of failed programs, or parts that didn’t take well to programming. Most of the time these parts who have failed programming will be put in “discard areas” in the system’s inner world, and they will be either forced into dormancy or they will be stuck there until amnesia barriers eventually break down as the grown person starts to work on deprogramming (if they ever do.) A successfully programmed system’s most active parts are parts who did not fail their programming, and these are often the most well-rounded parts retrofitted with a personality that would have likely been created by the abusers.

To add: there is often layers upon layers of amnesia even in these single well-rounded parts (that often end up having an alters-in-alters subsystem, and said part might not even be aware they have one) and the “top part” or most front-facing part of that subsystem may not even be aware they are programmed. At least, until a cue happens and their program starts running and they start doing things they wouldn’t normally be doing. A lot of programmed parts don’t even know their own cues or even what traumas they have that would have created their programming. They might know they have trauma, but the memories of the programming might be missing, or the context surrounding the programming traumas might be missing. Usually these cues and context behind the traumas are hidden in EPs or fragments that are buried pretty deep within their subsystems. Accessing these EPs in therapy is integral to the deprogramming process, as learning what manipulations were done to make a programmed part believe what they do is essential in undoing it. All deprogramming really is, is showing programmed parts that what their abusers made them believe was true is a lie and that they are not at risk to be harmed anymore if they no longer have contact with the group. (Cutting off a system’s communication with the group is first and foremost what they should do when deprogramming)

As for your assumption, that abusers are trying to condition children and these experiences happen to split an alter to hold the conditioned response, you are partially right. In some cases, especially in cases where it’s a single parent or a family unit doing this to their own kids, it’s often more likely that the parent is not fully aware that they are creating a DID system. This is where the difference between programming and conditioning is important to note. We made a video about this here: link to TikTok video.

However, in larger groups, programmers do know they are creating a system. DID is not some unknown secret to much of the world, and research about it is easy to find. Even inexperienced groups can find research on DID and how alters form very easily and use that to try and create a system in a child. Whether or not they will be successful with that info alone is hard to say. I was abused by two different groups, one of them inexperienced and one of them very experienced. The initial attempts at programming were often unsuccessful, and we assume they got in contact with the experienced group to learn more and they essentially showed our main handler/programmer how it was done. (We have memories of him being taught and observing/taking part as necessary to the teachings, so this is not speculation, we know this was the case.) Once we were in the hands of the experienced group, we became very well programmed and our system’s organization changed massively. On top of that, the inexperienced group was now experienced, so we actually have alters who are programmed by two separate groups, each loyal to their own group. Some of our parts were loyal to both because they were programmed by both. (“Were” loyal because we’ve deprogrammed significantly and they no longer feel loyal to the groups anymore.)

Like I said in my initial post, programming alters is actually not that complicated on the surface, though in practice it is difficult, and to create a well programmed system takes a lot of skill and intelligence. Skilled programmers are unfortunately often incredibly smart individuals. Anyone who’s been willing to speak with me about their programmers often cite them as being people with high level college degrees. Doctors, engineers, mathematicians, scientists, psychologists. If not a college degree, they often work in areas like police work, political work, religious ministry, or other city/county/state positions. If none of these, they (horrifyingly) tend to work in areas where children are often present. Pediatric doctors/nurses, summer camp counselors, Sunday school teachers, daycare attendants, nannying jobs, teaching, etc. While not all programmers will fit this bill, a lot of them do. In the world outside of their programming job, they are often well-liked by their community. This is not to say everyone in these positions is a programmer, also. Want to make that REALLY clear. Not every person with this job has a secret side job of torturing kids, these just happen to be common areas they tend to gravitate toward. They are often thrill-seeking sadists and egocentric. Having a position in their community in which they are consistently recognized for their accomplishments or adored is often important to them. Sometimes, programmers are also programmed themselves, especially in large groups with generational aspects involved.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’m not going to explain in explicit detail how programming works because that doesn’t make me comfortable to share, but a very dumbed down version of it is pretty simple:

1) torture child to create alter splits

2) get one of these splits to front via triggers related to the torture that caused them to split

3) indoctrinate them with a behavior or action that, if they do not do that action, means they will be punished further. While they are doing said action/being indoctrinated with certain beliefs, have a specific trigger or cue present so that when they see that trigger/cue in the future, they will immediately do the action/enforce the beliefs they have been taught.

4) repeat steps 1-3, basically.

This is why I explained that programming is kind of like conditioning on steroids. Except the child is severely manipulated, tortured, and has extreme threats of harm to self or others to reinforce it, and this is done repeatedly, to the point where it causes the alter extreme duress if they do not do their assigned task because if they didn’t do their task in the past (in childhood) they would be tortured or would have to witness other children be tortured. They will fully believe if they do not do the thing, they or others WILL be hurt, and they believe the programmers WILL know if they don’t, so they often just do it automatically in efforts to avoid the punishment they believe is coming. It is extremely hard for them to override the emotional flashbacks, somatic flashbacks, etc, if they try to resist doing the task. Adding onto that, programmers will often create alters who will punish parts in the inner world the same way the abusers would if they do not do their task, so that is another layer of fear on top of that. These programmed parts often cannot distinguish the difference between outer world torture and inner world torture, as they rarely get contact with the outside world except to do their tasks. So if they don’t do their task, they will be punished by alters in the inner world space and they may fully believe they are being punished in real life. Creating safe spaces for alters to go in the inner world if they don’t do their assigned task is an important part of deprogramming. Because once an alter realizes they will not be punished both externally and internally by not doing a certain action, they will be much less inclined to do said action.

If all of that sounds extremely messed up and fucks with your moral OCD, you’re right to feel that way. It is messed up. These people are vile, fucked up, and cruel. They often do not see the children as human beings and care not of how much this damages the child physically, psychologically, and emotionally. These children are dehumanized beyond belief. Many programmed parts of a system do not see themselves as human unless they were specifically meant to be human. Commonly created alters are things with no free will or no ability to think for themselves, such as angels, robots, and inanimate objects. If a child truly believes they cannot think for themselves, it will be harder to deprogram them. Which is why deprogramming often involves teaching the grown system that they are allowed to make choices outside of their group’s desires and control. It is not easy.

For those that read this and are feeling dissociated and/or anxious, remember your grounding techniques. Get some mints, cinnamon candies, or sour candies and munch. Smell a strong scented candle. Hold some ice or hand warmers in your hands. Look around the room and pick out items that you recognize to be from the present. Pet a cat/dog/[insert animal here] or hug a stuffed animal. Remember, it is currently 2024 and you are safe. Your abusers will not know you read this unless you tell them yourself. You are brave, capable, and safe. I believe in you and your healing journey.

Take care, everyone.

[psiionic]

i have been non stop thinking about schizophrenic latula again. of course i could always repeat the same things i always say, latuda is a mood stablizer and it doesn't make sense that a pyrope would become anxious out of nowhere because their family line never implies that pyropes ever have a "shy" phase and are entirely more likely to fall down the line of obsession and depression and spiralling over minor things. but i was talking to my friend about the alternian economic system and we came to the realization that alternia is likely a much more scripted planet than we initially assumed, since it's essentially a planet that focuses on pumping out child soldiers i believe that their economic system is almost completely falsified by the HIC and higher powers, each caste is set up with a projected job, a certain amount of money, a specific living situation and lusus to groom them into the perfect position they'll take as an adult once exiled from the planet and gaining their title. ive already spoken about how i believe that the beforan trolls are all essentially encouraged to pick a persona to "brand" themselves as in a show of personal expression that is expected of them by the government, but it got me thinking about how these two things interact with eachother. flarping is such a popular game on alternia specifically because all the kids are, essentially, larping as their projected adult counterparts until they leave planet. thats why there doesn't seem to be any ACTUAL job structure, the janitors are all kids pretending to be janitors until they leave planet, and highbloods commission people with their government allotted money, which funds the economy as well. there are mentions that if you don't "play your role right" you'll be culled and its because they figured out a system to learn who is willing to play the right role and who isnt BEFORE they have the power to actually harm the empire, which is NOT ON THE PLANET. drones kill anyone who steps out of line and its called culling because theyre still little kids. its like taking out the "bad actors" in a play, they arent needed, itll stall the progress of the machine. all of the characters essentially have a pre-determined role and persona they can fall into, and if they refuse to play along or start to look at the fact that theyre in a roleplaying game for too long they'll be culled.

anyways. this leads me to believe that because beforus is a planet without the exiling system, that means it's likely a system where no one ever stops playing "pretend." due to there being no expansion, the only thing that matters is appearance. It doesn't exactly matter how good you are at something, culling doesn't need to mean killing, it just means you lose your right on how to present yourself. You were clearly unable to play your part because you were too dumb or too pitiable and need someone else to ensure youre able to be presentable as the persona they choose for you.

this leads me back to latula. i believe that as a knight of mind, latula likely was able to see right through the pretend games that they were all playing extremely fast, but due to a knights innate questioning of themselves and their own thoughts, she was likely easily convinced that the problem was not the system but HER actually, for scrutinizing the system. calling people fake or invalid or implying they aren't what they actually are i'd imagine is a very strong offense in a society exclusively centered around always wearing masks. i also feel like this is exactly why all of the dancestors show that they are deeply disconnected from who they truly are, with mituna being the only one who couldn't keep up appearance and therefor had to have his autonomy stripped not just by beforus but by the narrative itself, disconnecting him from who he used to be by force. latula likely takes medication not for social anxiety but because she quite literally ruminates too much, i can see her being anxious in a paranoid and pointed way specifically at forces that be, especially considering how mind players act, but i cannot for the life of me ever see latula being the shy socially anxious fluttershy type i constantly see (or at least SAW) her be portrayed as. while this doesn't specifically point to schizophrenia, due to what latuda actually treats, it's my favorite headcanon to apply to her.

[herbivorp]

Ok hear me out on this idea qsmp skephaloers I'm talking to you

I've had this fic idea for YEARS. like. actual years since the dsmp days and I'm obsessed

Ok so. I am in awe I havent really seen content of this idea at all but the TLDR is that one day the CCs wake up as their characters, on the island, eggs (which are baby dragons) and all And I don't just mean "woah omg the qsmp is real we're our characters" I mean like. Shock. Body Horror. Parental responsibilities put on these people they never expected to have, forms features and instincts they have to get used to. Phil, Quackity, Baghera, Jaiden? Hva eto get used to having feathers and other birdisms, but they have the easiest out of all the members who werent just mostly humanoid, Bad, Bagi, and Foolish for example? Have newly aqquired teeth claws strange anatomy and all sorts of other wackadoodle stuff O_o

This fic would be verrrrryyy skephalo centric, Skeppy is at his motel with Jr and eventually Puffy, that must have been a shocker lmao

I've actually sketched out a lot for this idea (specifically Bad's pov waking up and a bit of Skeppy's pov) hold on

blurgg as you can see very roug but hopefully it makes sense kinda ??? maybe ????

More ideas for this I rambled about:

I feel like bad and the other islanders would be working on stuff/trying to figure shit out while Puffy and Skeppy (and jr) were all trying to find if anyone else they knew was around Bad would claim he somehow "felt" Skeppy was somewhere (which is his demon soulbond he has with Skeppy, it's not just a normal feeling cough cough) and Skeppy would be convinced Bad HAD to be around also because Jr and Puffy were there, they were their characters, the fictional kid he had with Bad was with him so he just had to be Quackity and the other admins would ofc not be the gatekeeping overlords of the island and actively work to figure shit out, including using the train system and seeing if anyone else they knew was around I have an idea that they'd send people out from the island, (like maybe group members who havent met skeppy before) who find Skeppy/jr/puffy, and realize who they are Bad would have stayed on the island because of his protectiveness over the eggs (thanks demon instincts) and couldnt leave them, and they figured he'd be the best bet to keep them safe anyways, + he was losing hope that his "feeling" that skeppy was around was real and just delusion that is UNTIL the other islanders come back with a new few people ermmm shocked teary reunion when

Aaaaaand I actually sketches this out too woah (this is one I wanna clean up for SURE bc omg

ANYWAYSSS you gotta get on board with this one I'm sooo so normal abt it

aughh more ideas:

- the other islanders dont know what skeppy and bad's deal is LOL half of them think theyre boyfriends (and for drama purposes, in this they are not officially yet but by god are they obvious) - Bad semi flipping the FUDGE out because his demon features are a LOT to get used to and he has instincts he has to repress and just lots of silly stuff. like why is he so pissed Skeppy's taking food from somebody else? Why does he feel like Dapper and the other eggs need to stay close to him at all times/ride on his back? Instead of his regular nervous bbh sounds he makes inhuman garbles and growls which is new, not to menation the mountainload of other things like his anatomy and going from a warm to cold blooded creature LOL his eyesight is also different and he's sensitive to light - Skeppy and Bad have like. actual children now which is a huge fucking deal hello??? They gotta navigate and talk that shit out because jr is like a 5 year old and Dapper + the other eggs while still being the admins are baby dragons O_o They went through crazy changes as well, being a baby animal comes with having baby behavior despite their intelligence - Besides ALL THAT after being overjoyed with seeing eachother again, Skep and Bad have like a little argument over Bad refusing to see skeppy as frequently as he promised to which Bad is like "are u rlly worried about that right now look around you" ermmm a little beef there but they figure it out dw

- hmmm idea what if everyone realizes that the code entity is not an admin, and is a real thing tryuing to kill them maybe (?) omg maybe - Skeppy gets to meet all teh babies!!! I have a feeling he'd get along with the eggs great but also maybe have a small rivalry with a few of them?? lol in a silly way - Islanders find more about themselves and the things they can do yay! Like ppl with wings learn to fly, ppl learn their weapons, magic users start to learn magic and they all decided to learn asl for the eggs - lotssss of angst these motherfuckers are still so confused and miss their regular lives despite the incredible and odd situation theyre in - islanders are still confused on what skeppy and bad's deal is like. they have kids they live together and dont leave eachother's sides prettymuch and go to eachother for comfort primarily - Bad and Skeppy disregard remarks and questions about their relationship THIS IS THEM CENTRIC ALWAYS N FOREVER… - skephalo need to have "the talk", bad needs to face his insecurities and skeppy needs to face his sexuality crisis

silly dads with their silly kids (real) this sketch is kinda old but I wanna clean it up sometime maybe and it fits with this idea very much WRITERS HIII If someone with qsmp knowledge is interested in maybe collabing with me to bring this idea to life please do hmu

IM GOING TO EXPLODE SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME U GET ME WITH THIS ONE aughh also I want to yap about this so bad

PLEASE ask any questions u have, my response box is open and you're welcome to in the comments to!! Or dms idc

AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!! am I crazy or no

If you've read this far you are a real one anyways live laugh love skephalo

[eluvion]

i go so crazy insane abt how matt and foggy both think the other person is more fundamentally Good than them. like ive said it before but the way that matt thinks of foggy as the embodiment of softness and goodness in his life, someone that has to be protected, because matt lives in a world where he can Hear ppl being their worst selves—their most conniving selves, the ppl they are behind closed doors—all the time, and because foggy—to matt—is Not A Part Of That World. matt lives in a world where the justice system has fucked him up and fucked him over at least three separate times, and and he sees foggy believe in amaricas justice system and maybe matt does think thats naive but theres also an innocence there that he wants to protect. unlike karen or matt, foggy has never had his fundamental human rights taken away by the government and law thats supposed to protect him, and matt wants that to stay that way. because that loss of innocence hurts, and matt doesnt want anyone else to bear that pain or see that side of the law firsthand. BUT WHAT MAKES ME SO INSANE IS THAT LIKE. LIKE. FOGGY THINKS ALONG THE SAME LINES. foggy—like post s3 I mean—sees matt sacrificing so much of himself for hells kitchen, matt putting all of himself into helping people, and he knows from the beginning that nelson and murdock will be mostly dedicated to people that cant pay them (meaning that theyre basically set to live harder lives despite the opportunity that most people right out of law school would kill for). foggy sees matt be hurt and abandoned by everyone around him (including foggy himself) and yet still chooses kindness and faith despite everything, and he sees that Goodness as something special. foggy calls matt his “softhearted partner” because he Knows matt would feel sympathy for the criminals in metro general and try to help them. they both see each other as the Better One and that drives me so crazy insane!!!!!!!!

[host-cultureis]

proxy median system host culture Imposter Syndrome Blast 1000. because of the curses (being in the front forever and the others have to talk through you and sometimes it just. fucking feels like roleplaying because it doesnt really feel like anyone else is in front With me but i know theyre Somewhere There). you understand -💤

.

[emoangel44]

i feel like im losing my mind because is it just me or do ema and athena have like eerily similar backstories and no one talks about it. like prosecutor walks in on younger sibling figure and thinks they killed someone. frames someone else and is willing to frame themself for murder so the girl doesnt get in trouble. little girls tries to testify in court but no one will listen and this fucks them up so bad that when the prosecutor is in prison they go study in europe to work in the justice system so they or anyone else will never feel helpless and unable to help the truth come to light again. prosecutors case eventually is taken up by phoenix (with miles as prosecutor) where theyre super uncooperative because they dont want the girl theyre protecting to be implicated (which phoenix ends up doing anyways because thats where the evidence points no matter how much he likes his latest assistant). eventually revealed to all have been a set up by the unnervingly cheery officer in the double breasted suit the prosecutor has been working with. like am i crazy

[actualbird]

do you think marius has ever fainted or passed out from the sheer workload and stress he deals with on a daily basis? they always talk about how he has this fatigue and tiredness but honestly im surprised he’s never had a breakdown or anything

OH ABSOLUTELY YES YESSSS

i very much think hes passed out due to sheer fatigue probably many times, but that he just....got really good at making sure nobody notices. like, the moment marius feels his balance failing or feels the telltale lightheadedness of unconsciousness ready to ram into him, he tried to either find an empty room or some place to sit down and ride it out. and then when hes conscious again, if anybody saw him he just goes like "just needed to rest my eyes, hehe"

people who arent close to him cant tell hes lying. hes a fantastic actor, and it is very important for marius to appear invincible and invulnerable within pax, so he makes sure of this. hes passed out plenty, but nobody notices

the few people who do notice and know are probably:

1 ) vincent

oh the things vincent has seen....this one is definitely the most worrying one, and whenever he catches it happening he does his best to try and shift schedules to somehow lighten marius' workload. i figure maybe one time he garnered up the courage to suggest marius rest, but...it's not that marius is disrespectful or anything, but the suggestion just slides straight past him

"i appreciate the concern, vincent, but it's really no problem," marius says easily. just a few minutes ago, he'd fainted the moment he got into his office and it sent such a shock of adrenaline into vincent's system. "after all, nobody else can do this work right now, so i just...gotta keep going."

and the worst part was that marius was right. not about this being a non-issue, but that nobody else can be pax ceo right now. it all falls to marius, and vincent can try his best to help, but moments like these remind him how isolated marius really is all the way there at the top.

2 ) the nxx team

the team see marius at a special level of fatigue: where he always pushes it past it for the newest case, to investigate the latest lead, to keep on going. given how perceptive the team is and how theyve worked with marius for a While, marius can never hide it from them

but it's also really hard to bring it up sometimes, because theres usually always something more important, high-stakes, and pressing at hand when theyre all together

"don't worry about me," marius would say. he might even make a joke like "you should go check on vyn, i know he gets cranky when he's up past 10pm"

deflection is one of marius' skills, so oftentimes during cases, none of the team can really confront him on his overwork

but while marius might like to pretend that this isnt a problem, none of the others have to do the same and can show their support in little ways: a very soft blanket from artem placed on the nxx hq couch for anyone to use for a nap, relaxing sleepytime teas from vyn stocked in the pantry for anyone to have a drink of, a suddenly and inexplicably overhauled digital file system luke made to make some of the tinier clerical nxx tasks a bit faster to sift through.

and mc's learned some of marius' tricks now by this point and is totally fine using them against him. she'll sit down next to him on the couch with a yawn and lean on marius' shoulder. "be my pillow for 10 minutes, i need a nap" and whats marius gonna do, say NO to that? he would never. and he'd end up drifting off for a little nap too.

conclusion: marius von hagen go to bed challenge! pls, before u just DROP FROM THE EXHAUSTION!!!

[plurality-questions]

hello!! sry i dont wanna bother u guys so feel free to just ignore this buuut

we had a rly rough week last week that ended in things boiling over pretty badly, and all of that led to the splitting of two new alters (Im one of them my name is kade hiii its nice to meet you!!! :D), and we think we might be a subsystem? me and the other one (ny sister Allie!) always front togethrr and we're rly connected but we also feel suuuuper disconnected from the rest of our system. like theyre characters or smth, or alters in a completely different system. soo basically what im asking is do u have any resources/advice? /genq, nfta

also my sister Allie doesnt always like being a system, and she gets frustrated over things like having to pretend to be the host and having to deal w the consequences of the host and other alters freaking out a bunch last week. like... its been rly impacting her more than anyone else (partially bc we're fronting the most), but she didnt cause it and its annoying. is there anything we can do to help her feel better? /genq, nfta

have a good day/night/wtvr!! :]

- Kade and Allie

(once again so sorry if this is annoying feel free to not respond -Allie)

no no its ok!! sorry if this answer is short we r sick and have low spoons/gen

(also HII!!! nice to meet you Kade and Allie/pos/gen)

so anyways-

um for the subsystem part..it sounds that you guys *may* be a subsystem but we suggest checking out these terms first perhaps!! (since what your experiencing doesnt rlly fit up with the definition,)

Side System

Cluster

um and as for helping out Allie perhaps check out @multiplicity-positivity as their posts have helped us when we get annoyed etc with being a system :3

we also suggest trying to set up a support system for her. maybe learning things that comfort her and keeping them nearby when she fronts? or finding out what headmates she's most comfortable with so they can like..help out if things get rough!!

hopefully this was helpful!!!/gen

-Omori

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

[juni-ravenhall]

we played the quest now and mostly its just like. all these recent quests are at the quality as if a child wrote them but that feels like an insult to child authors. imagine if any other game at this price point (!) put out main story updates at this quality and this playtime per month(s).....

more specific commentary under here

the dark riders still dont feel like actual villains or threats to me at all, due to the rushed and stupid way they were introduced after their design updates, combined with how bad the writing is. i feel like im just chewing on a tasteless gum when i play this. but thats an insult to gum. its very nothing. its neither dramatic nor funny nor meaningful in any way.

the writing and timing is so bad that nothing holds any real dramatic weight. i didnt feel anything about maya getting zapped - i assume shes fine tho??? - obviously yes its harmful to choose to hurt the lesbians rather than literally anyone else and its worth criticising bc ppl need to stop making oppressed characters suffer more than the not-oppressed, but also just the whole thing is handled so badly that i can barely even care bc its so fucking stupid that nothing holds any weight. at this point anything any of the charas says and does just feels completely empty.

like you could just have mr sands collapse to the ground from a heart attack in the middle of the dialogue and sabine say "lol loser" and it wouldnt even feel especially out of place in the current quality of writing and storytelling.

it was fun to see darko and sands again just because we have more relation to darko as a villain than any of the dark riders. the same way i am way more interested in ms drake or mr anwir (rip i guess) than i am in the dark riders bc they were sooo badly included in the story and then suddenly now theyre everywhere and talk all the time as if we know them and as if theyve been a consistent villain. i am way more interested in any other npc than in the dark riders, i have more emotional connection to ed field than i have to katja. bc they were not written into the story properly. this is a continuous frustration i have reading any main story updates.

anyway the erissa race was just.... fine. this is supposed to be a kind of mini boss moment in other games. however, due to my horse not being fed (a system that sse designed) i rode quite slow which in itself takes away drama, but also, the race just felt really.... nothing, again. its not bad... its just nothing. the floating objects in the forest were cool, and the yarn stuff is cute (tho i dont feel anything about this design bc again she and her design is just thrown at me with no buildup - like - a character having a theme that you build up a connection to, is not happening here), but it doesnt feel like an important race or like a mini boss, its just.... ok i went here and now i went there. why tho. how did this matter.

it wasnt a difficult enough race in any way that it felt like challenging gameplay (mini boss fight) and ive said before, yes sure there are 8yo players who never played a game before and need it to be relatively easy - but this can be achieved in other ways than forcing *all* players to play a really dumb easy race, and its also not consistent throughout the game - sometimes a race is randomly kinda hard, other times its something you could do blindfolded, but without any consistent relation to where when and why the race takes place.

normally in games, battles/races/whatever would get more and more challenging as the story goes on, as levels go up, as new mechanics get introduced, as player skill and experience grows.

but yeah i just really hate the story quests at this point. theyre empty. theyre badly written. they are forgettable and dont hold the dramatic weight theyre supposed to. they feel random and disconnected from the rest of the game we played until a couple years ago. the characters and stuff are just handled so badly. the story and lore is confusing and hard to understand. its a mess.

all of this would be fine if sso was a game you play for free. it would be fine if it was a game that cost 10 dollars. it would be fine if it had microtransactions that were like, 1-3 dollars here and there, not 30 dollars here and there to afford two items or one horse or whatever.

i wouldnt judge it so harshly for this bad quality in the story quests (the writing, the storytelling and lore, the characters, the gameplay, the animations, the models and designs, the feeling of making progress as a player....) if the game was overall as cheap as its quests are.

[dmbakura]

i dont disagree with you but i must say that just because other characters say something about astarion it doesnt mean its not a valid reading of his character, at least at that point in time. like, yeah, by real life real person standards no one can read someone else accurately, but its a story so those lines are there for a reason. to me it seems theyre meant to be taken as accurate readings of his psyche, given hes not trying to put up the facade of a, as they more or less put it, "a fragile flake of snow". if the story was trying to make a point about sh/minthara wrongly making assumptions about astarion, i dont think its apparent, although it could have flown over my head tbf.

whether or not those lines were well thought out or not given the halsin situation in act 3 is something else entirely (or that perhaps hes at a healthier stage in act 3), maybe someone could even argue that his writer(s) didnt supervise those minthara/sh lines but personally i dont agree with looking at the writing process that way, but i understand why someone might get contradicting ideas about astarions stance on tav having several partners if they heard those lines.

sorry if my thoughts are a bit disjointed, im not great at words.

See, I think Minthara and Shadowheart are RIGHT about Astarion (ie that he is a lot more fragile than he lets on/might not be willing to share) but the thing is Astarion more or less says the exact same thing about Shadowheart in return (that she's not ready for a relationship like that) and I don't see anyone saying she isn't actually poly because another character clearly knows her better than she knows herself. Why does that only happen with Astarion?

Like being real here, none of the characters at the point in the story are ready for real relationships! They're all going thru it! It's been like 2 weeks and they barely know each other! And if we're taking it as a game that's not written in a vacuum, then no fucking shit they're not gonna let you date 2 origin characters at once. I said this on Twitter but its pretty obvious why the polyamory is confined to Halsin and why it's more of a triangle than a full threesome, because I have 0 fucking clue how you'd even fully implement it in the game with a romance system like this.

I'm not trying to come across like I'm mad at you or anything, I see your point, but i feel like in this case it's people's unconscious biases against polyam relationships overwriting like. Basic logic and reasoning. The game is massive and complex. There's contradicting info and unreliable narration all over the place because it's a story and that's how complex stories work. I'm not really gonna be impressed by someone's literary analysis skills if they can piece together that Astarion's arc is about figuring out what he really wants and reclaiming his trauma, yet SOMEHOW also think his character development is permanently frozen in act 2 where he's at his most insecure and that he's completely incapable of expressing what he really wants. That is not meaningful examination of the work to me.

[rxttenfish]

In regards to your AU, what's Aaravi's relationship with Bellanda like? I feel like it's safe to assume she doesn't care for Laudanda and Amanda, so I'm curious as to how well she gets on with the sister Miranda's closest to.

(Also, thank you for opening my eyes to Miravi. I was pretty neutral on it until I stumbled across your art and ramblings about them, and now I have three fanfic WIP's for them and am currently naming their fankids)

ironically i havent been writing very much about bellanda yet, despite her having a fairly large role in the story regardless. mostly this is just me not being happy with how i write her just yet - i know WHAT i want to do with her and how she acts, but getting her voice nailed down in my brain is a different matter (and one that i always struggle with anyways)

the important thing to understand first about bellanda is that her and miranda are heavily codependent.

like. heavily, heavily codependent. its not necessarily healthy, no, but given their circumstances it is VERY understandable. bellanda and miranda are unusually close in age for the inheriting children of a royal (being only five years difference between them, though i might fudge this number a little going forward just to make sure the timeline works out, regardless theyre still extremely close in age compared to any of the other sisters), and for that they mostly got raised together. royals tend to be raised by a group of nannies and caretakers, with very little interaction with other merfolk at their same age (beyond other heirs from other families they might interact with when their families are doing business together, but they're discouraged from keeping these as anything other than temporary, since theres a fear of unfair advantages later in life, as well as the other family using their younger heirs as weapons against their own), so they all kind of grow up disconnected from themselves and their own childhood and have a harder time forging connections outside of the setting of the courts and royal business as an adult. it also keeps their social connections pretty intensely tied to their family in comparison, which helps form the basic differences between the community system for everyone else and the family system for royals.

however, as i've mentioned before, merfolk are hypersocial and will readily form social bonds anytime they can, so being raised together meant that bellanda and miranda essentially became each others entire social lives. they were the one person the other knew they could trust with 100% certainty and often physically relied on each other in a way that they couldn't with anyone else. in bellanda's case, since the queen died only a few months after miranda was born, she became the default adult and "parent" in miranda's life, far moreso than their actual parent.

so, within the merkingdom, they ended up intensely relying on each other with no other avenues for close emotional connection, which was only enabled by their respective roles, being that bellanda being head of military meant that she was a defacto guard for miranda and literally protecting her, in a way that was intended because she was the crown princess, but ended up being because she was literally bellanda's only friend, her sister, and the child that she was going to have to take care of.

and all of this mistrust of other people and intense closeness did come out of a place of necessity within the merkingdom, when backstabbing and blackmail and doing anything to anyone before they can do anything to you first was the norm (and still is, this stint on land is very brief, all things considered) and something to be genuinely feared and guarded against, alongside their connection being looked down upon already as them giving unfair advantage to each other in their court dealings. when multiple suitors have tried playing the loverboy card to get close to both of them, there's a very good reason they would mistrust anyone trying to get close to them and fear anyone coming "between" them.

but it stops being so reasonable and necessary once miranda was sent up to the land to act as ambassador for the merkingdom.

which, miranda absolutely still acted the same as before when she first came up. she was suspicious of everyone and mistrustful of any attempts to get close to her, and this generally contributed a lot to her being deep in culture shock and freaking the fuck out over how deeply out of her element she was and how (reasonably) terrified she was of experiences that she had never had in her life. it was a very rough, very hard time for her, and while that doesnt excuse how much of a massive, raging asshole she was during that time, it DOES explain her behavior and why it was so severe.

however, as you can imagine, the present does not take place during miranda's first year or two on land, and in that time, miranda's... gotten used to the land, basically? she's figured out she can have friends! she's figured out she can bond with people! she has more people who she can trust and who will defend her! she has people who she wants to protect as well! she's much more relaxed than any other time prior in her life, and that means she comes off as much more affectionate and open.

of which, ALL of this is vital to understanding why bellanda is the way that she is.

because bellanda didn't get sent up to the land during those first few years. bellanda was still inside the merkingdom, still overseeing business there, still dealing with the same things that she's dealt with for her entire life. she doesn't know miranda's friends, she's never talked to them, she has no reason to trust them beyond miranda's word, and miranda HAS placed her trust in people that she shouldn't have before, they both have. she IS still dealing with a deeper culture shock, and DOES come across as overprotective and stifling and even possessive over miranda BECAUSE she's so scared of being alone, and of someone hurting miranda, and of someone betraying her trust again. her entire life shes been shoved into the role of the single person who has to take care of miranda and ensure that the newest heir to the throne doesn't die, been told that's her entire purpose in life, been put into this role when she herself was deeply vulnerable, and that's not just something she can stop doing overnight. it's fucked up, but its what they're both used to.

which is why bellanda can also come across as. a huge fucking bitch, sometimes. she can be aggressive, and rude, and judgemental, and takes shit WAY too hard against miranda's friends and any landfolk she gets used to. and, to be fair, miranda gets this. she knows what bellanda's going through and she's not using it against her sister, especially because she is still deeply dependent and close to bellanda in the first place, but like. she's been through this too. she knows what's going through bellanda's head. she wants her to open up and to have a little faith in her friends, and she knows bellanda can go over the line, but she knows that bellanda can get through this too. she's known bellanda for all of her life, she knows what she's like.

still, she can be... incredibly harsh on anyone who isn't miranda, and aaravi ABSOLUTELY got a lot of that at first.

mostly it was due to the whole... monster hunter thing. as you can imagine, bellanda being told that her little sister was getting close to and toying around with someone who's entire job and life has been figuring out how to kill people who are quite a fair bit like miranda, did not go over so well. bellanda has a lot of reason to not trust people, and she had a lot of reason to not trust aaravi too. anyone coming around with live weapons around miranda is automatically something of note and something that bellanda has to take care of, and she wasn't too excited by the thought of miranda going down into a dungeon, full of things both capable and willing to kill her, with someone else who was fully capable of killing her or leaving her for dead, and with previously stated intentions to WANT to do that.

meanwhile, from aaravi's side — by the time she started actually talking to bellanda, she just thought bellanda was dope as hell. i mean, she walks around with a cleaver half the size that she is (and she IS something like 12ft long), and she has a cool spiky pauldron that she never takes off, and an eyepatch with huge scars on her face, and, entirely unlike miranda, bellanda is a brick shithouse of muscle and terror. bellanda is not only head warlord but she's damn GOOD at her job and cuts a figure that's equally as imposing.

of course bellanda was like fucking catnip to aaravi. how could she not be. miranda already was constantly talking up bellanda every time she got brought up, and she mentioned sparring with bellanda and her being where she learned to fight (and miranda does ABSOLUTELY know how to fight, to an impressive degree), so aaravi was already coming in with a high opinion of bellanda. bellanda was cool as hell. bellanda was someone that aaravi was looking forward to meeting and sparring with herself.

which is likely the sense that they first got especially acquainted with each other. bellanda's visitations already meant that miranda would be getting touched up on her lessons, and pulling aaravi in was natural from there, especially since aaravi already wanted to at least watch, if nothing else. miranda's schooltime castle DOES have an armory and a built-in training area, so this was something that was expected and fully planned for long ahead of time, and bellanda declining just wasn't an option with that type of setup.

which... she wouldn't have declined either, because bellanda might have initially been using the sparring as an excuse to be, as i've mentioned already, a total hardass on aaravi. as in, perhaps using this less as a chance to train and to teach aaravi some new skills, and more as a chance to have an excuse to beat aaravi up and have it be socially acceptable. it was not an honorable thing to start with, but it did help bellanda vent some steam and use it as an excuse to try and scare aaravi off, if not actually injure her and terrify her away from miranda and away from talking to miranda.

though, again, aaravi actually took this in stride? she's a slayer. she's used to the things she fights trying to beat the absolute snot out of her, and her training already was fucked up enough on its own, and to aaravi this was FANTASTIC. it was like a roller coaster ride to her, providing a HELL of an adrenaline rush that she didn't otherwise get when she sparred with people. she liked bellanda already, she thought she was cool as hell, and bellanda putting up an ACTUAL fight???

oh, aaravi LOVED it. it was GREAT. it was everything she was imagining and even more, and if she seemed like a puppy following along behind the elder butch, then she didn't notice it nor the fact that bellanda didn't like her very much.

(or, rather, aaravi did notice the fact that bellanda didn't like her and even outright hated her at times, but... again, miranda had already warned her that she was an asshole, but who was sweet and lovely if she did manage to get on bellanda's good side. and at this point, she's already started to hear some things about the merkingdom, and how fucked up it is, and likewise came to the conclusion that. yeah, she sees WHY bellanda is like this. she can't really blame her for that.)

which was all very good, because. well, bellanda isn't immune to cute things either. she's close to miranda, after all. she likes cute little bastards who don't know what's good for them and keep trying to pick fights because they think its fun. she IS still a big sister, after all, and there's only so long she can tolerate having a baby butch follow her around with stars in her eyes before she gives in.

just look at aaravi. look at aaravi's "FIGHT ME" attitude and lack of fear regarding people who are way fucking bigger than her. tell me bellanda wouldn't fucking adore her.

all of which likewise ends up giving aaravi an edge over miranda's other friends - as aaravi oftentimes DOES end up understanding miranda and bellanda and understanding where they're coming from and why they have to be cautious. like, she knows what its like to have siblings end up turned against each other. she knows the entire complicated tangle that is family and loving someone and hating someone and dealing with their massive pile of flaws and how much its fucked over your own life and yet still desperately being close to them. she knows the way this dance goes. after all, despite all the frustration she feels towards salil, despite the fights and despite him deciding to go and side with their dad, she still can't bring herself to hate him. he is still her little brother. she still wants to protect him, despite, despite, despite.

so... yeah! aaravi and bellanda actually likewise end up fairly close, and with several things in common (which gives miranda relief, since she wants to introduce her ul'kiha into her existing social bond with bellanda, as is the norm in merfolk society, and they're actually getting along and getting close to each other, as opposed to the rest of her friends who she can't fit into the same relationship hierarchy). bellanda gives aaravi an outlet for her energy and is someone who can keep up with her, and aaravi is someone who bellanda feels safe trusting and relying on, hence helping her slowly open up as well. against literally all of her in-laws, aaravi actually has a pretty damn good relationship with bellanda.

(and it's funny you should mention fankids - i have one fankid for miranda and aaravi already! their name is Virina Mishra, named after aaravi's mom.)