#not anyone else in the system and theyre not me but I feel like these are the only things that define me thatt isnt just trauma and mental

[fish-and-forbear]

PFFJBSHANSKDBANKSHCBDNSJ

Stood up after 20 minutes since collapsing after my first fairly hard walk in months and IMMEDIATE jelly legs.

Boys. What did you do..... xD

The power of Blind Guardian's newest album "The God Machine" just compels us so, I suppose!!! That and the trigger of "it's Questing time need to Power Through the Pain!! and FINISH THE QUEST!!! the sun is SHINING it is QUEST TIME >:D !!!!"

....... but the quest is just. Walking home from leaving the car at the mechanic ..... x'D

I really appreciate their enthusiasm and this is not at all unfamiliar, I have had this happen SO many times very consistently but never had a name or face to put to this experience. Now I actually have someone to blame (in a lighthearted affectionate way) and they feel 0 remorse. Which is fine because they're right, we needed this. <3

- Fisher

[sydneys-sinner]

Hcs on Sysdney? How many alters do you think they have? What would they be like outside of pure and corrupt Sydney?

just from observing in game text, sydney appears to be a three person system at the moment: pure sydney, corrupt sydney, and a secret third sydney that seems even worse* than corrupt syd.

this phenomenon happens with a pure syd:

but in this next screenshot (courtesy of visualnovellover), corrupt sydney experiences the same thing:

so, to me, it feels like this possible third alter is the more violent type, which doesn't align with how corrupt syd usually acts. there's a scene you can get in the cafeteria if you sit with a corrupt syd, a student will come by and attempt to break their glasses. If PC bought them their current pair, they will fight the student. Immediately after, they say something along the line of "I don't like it when I get like that."

(Here's a screenshot of the full event via sydney's events wiki page)

They don't like it when they get violent, even if it's to protect themself or someone else, so the possibility of Sydney enjoying hurting someone, especially someone they love, is extremely low. Ergo, i think that behavior would likely be better suited for a third alter.

sysdney headcanons yippee

-based on personal experience, sydney would definitely believe they were being possessed and try to pray it away. sydney sobbing to jordan about how they think something's wrong with them and/or god is punishing them, with jordan trying to calm them down with that tune they like.

-sydney is not diagnosed but sirris knows there's something off about them, like sometimes theyre completely out of character for themself.

-sydney doesnt remember their trauma, but i believe it has something to do with sydneys other parent depending on how young they were when whatever happened... happened. the asylum definitely traumatized them too, but it's not the initial trauma that caused their consciousness to fracture.

-pure sydney: host, ANP. caretaker potential - corrupt sydney: sexual protector TBH. perhaps another EP-aligned role - third sydney: ???. not a persecutor, their anger is directed more outwards.

-sydney dissociates a lot while they're praying, that's why they pray for so long

sydney is so fucking traumatized oh my god. there's whatever happened with their other parent, idk if a lot of people have played through the asylum content but definitely some sexual trauma along with the medical trauma. maybe sprinkle some religious trauma in there too?

thats all i can think of at the moment but if anyone wants to add anything or send asks i will always always always be down to talk about sys!sydney they are my beloved

[lotties-ashwagandha]

how the yellowjackets would react to you being sick (headcanons)

i wrote these forever ago when i had the flu and they got lost in my drafts enjoyyyy gender neutral reader i think but taissa does reference her partner as her wife. also if the pics on this don’t format right (theyre supposed to be 3 in a row and then the header) pls tell me sometimes it fucks up :(

SHAUNA

sees you sneeze once and runs to the store for cold medicine with the fervor of middle aged preppers fist fighting for toilet paper in 2020

she would do or get absolutely anything you wanted, would go and buy takeout food from your favorite restaurants or make sure you’re comfortable wherever you’re situated

will make sure you’re taking whatever medicine you need, whether it’s just over the counter cough medicine or it’s something prescribed by a doctor. you can’t put up a fight with her about it bc you’ll never win. she gets so intense about it but it’s ultimately for your good and you know that

also just likes to hold you. she cancels whatever plans she has and you lay and watch movies together — she might not like everything you pick to watch but she’ll put up with anything to make you feel a bit better. as for the close proximity of holding you, she doesn’t care if she gets sick because she knows you’ll take care of her once you’re better in the same way she cared for you. plus i’d imagine her immune system is of fucking steel after having a baby in the wilderness???? no germs are getting on this woman ok and ykw that probs goes for all of them they probably have some fucked up forest girl immunity or smthn idk im not a doctor don’t come at me

LOTTIE

she’ll never admit it ever but at first she gets kind of excited because she’s been waiting for someone to fall ill so she can try out a new herbal remedy

but then she sees how upset you are and how much discomfort you’re in and feels guilty

anyway rich girl lottie is averse to germs and when you first get sick she handles you a bit like you’re a giant jellyfish someone’s trying to throw at her , she wants to help you but girl has a whole wellness center to run she is not getting sick

until she caves and you’re cuddled in bed together watching movies because she can’t keep away from you

she lets you watch whatever you want while you’re sick , but she does get a bit bored sometimes when you’re asleep so she flips the channel to nature documentaries. she’ll flip it back to whatever you were watching immediately after you wake up tho, and yes of course she was watching your horror movies instead of bird watching shows go back to sleep

she also cooks for you while you’re sick — probably not very well, but she won’t allow anyone else cooking for you because she wants to make sure you’re eating quality food that will help you get better and not just anything you could pick up

she gets very protective over you and over your health in general and won’t allow anyone to come bother you, if you work outside the wellness center she makes sure your bosses aren’t being bitches about you being sick and she ensures everything’s in order to her standards

TAISSA

panics because she has absolutely no idea what to do when you get sick, probably googles “what to do when your wife is sick” and follows the wikihow

she’ll take a few days off work for once to look after you, it doesn’t seem like a big deal but it is to you because she hardly ever takes time off from the campaign

she’s very stereotypical in the way she takes care of you — she’ll make you chicken noodle soup, get you blankets, everything she knows is the “standard” of taking care of someone with a cold but she works so hard to make sure everything’s perfect for you

she knows you’re miserable so she’ll try to make you laugh when you’re sick. telling you stupid jokes, funny stories from work, anything she can think of. your body is down but she won’t let your mental health go down with it especially if you already struggle with mental health

might offer you some dirt and a spot in her tree if you’re lucky

VAN

knows you’re sick before you do it’s some psychic ass shit she just KNOWS

you sneeze once and she’s like “oh I bought you some cold medicine earlier” like ??? girl ok whatever

she usually loves to make you watch her old dvds and tapes but when you’re feeling bad she puts on a marathon of your favorite movies

she buys you a lot of sweets. she’d be one of those “chocolate fixes everything” girls and whenever she would go out to buy you something she would come back with some sort of treat for you

she lets your rant about being sick if you’re one of those people who get grumpy when you get sick, she wants you to trust her and feel safe enough to express your distress

NATALIE

i think we all know natalie isn’t the best person in health and wellness situations but she does make it fun to be sick at least !

raids the vending machine for you

will probably google how to take care of you like taissa , but thinks the instructions are too long and gives up

will probably call misty and make her bring over whatever medicine you’d need because she knows she’ll fuck it up picking it out herself

she’s silent on the bed for an hour and then announces “i made you a spotify playlist” out of the blue. it has like 5 songs on it but they’re all very very very meticulously selected and she’s so proud of it, she knows it cant help you get better physically but hopes it will make you happy

warns you not to get her sick as if it’s something you can control. looks at you so sternly and goes “don’t. don’t get me sick.” it makes you roll your eyes

MISTY

she’s been waiting for this day her whole life tbh not in a creepy way but in a loving “i want to take care of you” way

will do absolutely everything to make sure you’re comfortable when you’re sick, she would kill for you (she would anyway but especially when you’re not feeling well)

knows a bunch of get better health hacks from all the reddit forums she’s stalked over the years and only half of them work but it shows that she cares

tries to search amazon to see if there’s a little covid mask she can get caligula “just in case”

she makes you watch true crime documentaries with her and narrates every episode and then gives you all her hot takes afterwards. you can’t escape and she takes advantage of it

[psiionic]

i have been non stop thinking about schizophrenic latula again. of course i could always repeat the same things i always say, latuda is a mood stablizer and it doesn't make sense that a pyrope would become anxious out of nowhere because their family line never implies that pyropes ever have a "shy" phase and are entirely more likely to fall down the line of obsession and depression and spiralling over minor things. but i was talking to my friend about the alternian economic system and we came to the realization that alternia is likely a much more scripted planet than we initially assumed, since it's essentially a planet that focuses on pumping out child soldiers i believe that their economic system is almost completely falsified by the HIC and higher powers, each caste is set up with a projected job, a certain amount of money, a specific living situation and lusus to groom them into the perfect position they'll take as an adult once exiled from the planet and gaining their title. ive already spoken about how i believe that the beforan trolls are all essentially encouraged to pick a persona to "brand" themselves as in a show of personal expression that is expected of them by the government, but it got me thinking about how these two things interact with eachother. flarping is such a popular game on alternia specifically because all the kids are, essentially, larping as their projected adult counterparts until they leave planet. thats why there doesn't seem to be any ACTUAL job structure, the janitors are all kids pretending to be janitors until they leave planet, and highbloods commission people with their government allotted money, which funds the economy as well. there are mentions that if you don't "play your role right" you'll be culled and its because they figured out a system to learn who is willing to play the right role and who isnt BEFORE they have the power to actually harm the empire, which is NOT ON THE PLANET. drones kill anyone who steps out of line and its called culling because theyre still little kids. its like taking out the "bad actors" in a play, they arent needed, itll stall the progress of the machine. all of the characters essentially have a pre-determined role and persona they can fall into, and if they refuse to play along or start to look at the fact that theyre in a roleplaying game for too long they'll be culled.

anyways. this leads me to believe that because beforus is a planet without the exiling system, that means it's likely a system where no one ever stops playing "pretend." due to there being no expansion, the only thing that matters is appearance. It doesn't exactly matter how good you are at something, culling doesn't need to mean killing, it just means you lose your right on how to present yourself. You were clearly unable to play your part because you were too dumb or too pitiable and need someone else to ensure youre able to be presentable as the persona they choose for you.

this leads me back to latula. i believe that as a knight of mind, latula likely was able to see right through the pretend games that they were all playing extremely fast, but due to a knights innate questioning of themselves and their own thoughts, she was likely easily convinced that the problem was not the system but HER actually, for scrutinizing the system. calling people fake or invalid or implying they aren't what they actually are i'd imagine is a very strong offense in a society exclusively centered around always wearing masks. i also feel like this is exactly why all of the dancestors show that they are deeply disconnected from who they truly are, with mituna being the only one who couldn't keep up appearance and therefor had to have his autonomy stripped not just by beforus but by the narrative itself, disconnecting him from who he used to be by force. latula likely takes medication not for social anxiety but because she quite literally ruminates too much, i can see her being anxious in a paranoid and pointed way specifically at forces that be, especially considering how mind players act, but i cannot for the life of me ever see latula being the shy socially anxious fluttershy type i constantly see (or at least SAW) her be portrayed as. while this doesn't specifically point to schizophrenia, due to what latuda actually treats, it's my favorite headcanon to apply to her.

[phightingheadcanons]

HEY ITS ME

ahem anyways have some playgrounders theyre my favorite <3

Boombox Coil and Skateboard are all three best friends idc if boombox and coil haven't interacted yet in canon you cant change my mind on this.

Coil has a fuck ton of just. random skills. Like hes pretty good at engineering/wtvr field of science the crystals require but he can also just. do a bunch of shit. he has bad adhd so he doesnt usually stick w smth long enough to become super proficient but still.

Coil is also!! an avid fanfiction writer and reader!! He has stayed up wayyy to kate writing and or reading a random fic several times. Am I projecting??? Yes quite a bit. Live laugh love projecting on my favorite phighter anyways

Skateboard is constantly begging Coil for a speed boost! Like the playgrounders (+ Sling) will be going somewhere and Skateboard is just like "Hey man this could be so much faster if i has a speed boost" and Coil just. Grudgingly obliges (/silly)

Shuriken and Coil are absolutely besties. Like idk if i ship them (no hate to anyone who does its an awesome ship) but even if theyre not romantically involved they get along so well.

Coil Skateboard and Boomboc all talk with the most frat boy language like "DUUUUDE YOO WASSUP" "NOTHING MUCH BRO" like that sort of thing.

Skateboard started going out a lot less when Coil started living with him, he didn't notice bc he and Coil ended up hanging out a lot but everyone else was like "??? did smth happen to Skateboard why is he isolating so much????"

Also shout out to the purple anon i love the bb+bio thing and i feel like Coil saw this happening and was so fucking confused.

This mostly ended up being Coil hcs oops... </3 (/silly)

-⛓️‍💥🐺 Cerberus anon!!

dw, I love Coil hc posts. Might indoctrinate some of yours into my belief system

and yes, shout out to purple anon. I will happily consume more bb+bio hcs, thank you very much.

[eluvion]

i go so crazy insane abt how matt and foggy both think the other person is more fundamentally Good than them. like ive said it before but the way that matt thinks of foggy as the embodiment of softness and goodness in his life, someone that has to be protected, because matt lives in a world where he can Hear ppl being their worst selves—their most conniving selves, the ppl they are behind closed doors—all the time, and because foggy—to matt—is Not A Part Of That World. matt lives in a world where the justice system has fucked him up and fucked him over at least three separate times, and and he sees foggy believe in amaricas justice system and maybe matt does think thats naive but theres also an innocence there that he wants to protect. unlike karen or matt, foggy has never had his fundamental human rights taken away by the government and law thats supposed to protect him, and matt wants that to stay that way. because that loss of innocence hurts, and matt doesnt want anyone else to bear that pain or see that side of the law firsthand. BUT WHAT MAKES ME SO INSANE IS THAT LIKE. LIKE. FOGGY THINKS ALONG THE SAME LINES. foggy—like post s3 I mean—sees matt sacrificing so much of himself for hells kitchen, matt putting all of himself into helping people, and he knows from the beginning that nelson and murdock will be mostly dedicated to people that cant pay them (meaning that theyre basically set to live harder lives despite the opportunity that most people right out of law school would kill for). foggy sees matt be hurt and abandoned by everyone around him (including foggy himself) and yet still chooses kindness and faith despite everything, and he sees that Goodness as something special. foggy calls matt his “softhearted partner” because he Knows matt would feel sympathy for the criminals in metro general and try to help them. they both see each other as the Better One and that drives me so crazy insane!!!!!!!!

[serpenndragon]

Ok hear me out on this idea qsmp skephaloers I'm talking to you

I've had this fic idea for YEARS. like. actual years since the dsmp days and I'm obsessed

Ok so. I am in awe I havent really seen content of this idea at all but the TLDR is that one day the CCs wake up as their characters, on the island, eggs (which are baby dragons) and all And I don't just mean "woah omg the qsmp is real we're our characters" I mean like. Shock. Body Horror. Parental responsibilities put on these people they never expected to have, forms features and instincts they have to get used to. Phil, Quackity, Baghera, Jaiden? Hva eto get used to having feathers and other birdisms, but they have the easiest out of all the members who werent just mostly humanoid, Bad, Bagi, and Foolish for example? Have newly aqquired teeth claws strange anatomy and all sorts of other wackadoodle stuff O_o

This fic would be verrrrryyy skephalo centric, Skeppy is at his motel with Jr and eventually Puffy, that must have been a shocker lmao

I've actually sketched out a lot for this idea (specifically Bad's pov waking up and a bit of Skeppy's pov) hold on

blurgg as you can see very roug but hopefully it makes sense kinda ??? maybe ????

More ideas for this I rambled about:

I feel like bad and the other islanders would be working on stuff/trying to figure shit out while Puffy and Skeppy (and jr) were all trying to find if anyone else they knew was around Bad would claim he somehow "felt" Skeppy was somewhere (which is his demon soulbond he has with Skeppy, it's not just a normal feeling cough cough) and Skeppy would be convinced Bad HAD to be around also because Jr and Puffy were there, they were their characters, the fictional kid he had with Bad was with him so he just had to be Quackity and the other admins would ofc not be the gatekeeping overlords of the island and actively work to figure shit out, including using the train system and seeing if anyone else they knew was around I have an idea that they'd send people out from the island, (like maybe group members who havent met skeppy before) who find Skeppy/jr/puffy, and realize who they are Bad would have stayed on the island because of his protectiveness over the eggs (thanks demon instincts) and couldnt leave them, and they figured he'd be the best bet to keep them safe anyways, + he was losing hope that his "feeling" that skeppy was around was real and just delusion that is UNTIL the other islanders come back with a new few people ermmm shocked teary reunion when

Aaaaaand I actually sketches this out too woah (this is one I wanna clean up for SURE bc omg

ANYWAYSSS you gotta get on board with this one I'm sooo so normal abt it

aughh more ideas:

- the other islanders dont know what skeppy and bad's deal is LOL half of them think theyre boyfriends (and for drama purposes, in this they are not officially yet but by god are they obvious) - Bad semi flipping the FUDGE out because his demon features are a LOT to get used to and he has instincts he has to repress and just lots of silly stuff. like why is he so pissed Skeppy's taking food from somebody else? Why does he feel like Dapper and the other eggs need to stay close to him at all times/ride on his back? Instead of his regular nervous bbh sounds he makes inhuman garbles and growls which is new, not to menation the mountainload of other things like his anatomy and going from a warm to cold blooded creature LOL his eyesight is also different and he's sensitive to light - Skeppy and Bad have like. actual children now which is a huge fucking deal hello??? They gotta navigate and talk that shit out because jr is like a 5 year old and Dapper + the other eggs while still being the admins are baby dragons O_o They went through crazy changes as well, being a baby animal comes with having baby behavior despite their intelligence - Besides ALL THAT after being overjoyed with seeing eachother again, Skep and Bad have like a little argument over Bad refusing to see skeppy as frequently as he promised to which Bad is like "are u rlly worried about that right now look around you" ermmm a little beef there but they figure it out dw

- hmmm idea what if everyone realizes that the code entity is not an admin, and is a real thing tryuing to kill them maybe (?) omg maybe - Skeppy gets to meet all teh babies!!! I have a feeling he'd get along with the eggs great but also maybe have a small rivalry with a few of them?? lol in a silly way - Islanders find more about themselves and the things they can do yay! Like ppl with wings learn to fly, ppl learn their weapons, magic users start to learn magic and they all decided to learn asl for the eggs - lotssss of angst these motherfuckers are still so confused and miss their regular lives despite the incredible and odd situation theyre in - islanders are still confused on what skeppy and bad's deal is like. they have kids they live together and dont leave eachother's sides prettymuch and go to eachother for comfort primarily - Bad and Skeppy disregard remarks and questions about their relationship THIS IS THEM CENTRIC ALWAYS N FOREVER… - skephalo need to have "the talk", bad needs to face his insecurities and skeppy needs to face his sexuality crisis

silly dads with their silly kids (real) this sketch is kinda old but I wanna clean it up sometime maybe and it fits with this idea very much WRITERS HIII If someone with qsmp knowledge is interested in maybe collabing with me to bring this idea to life please do hmu

IM GOING TO EXPLODE SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME U GET ME WITH THIS ONE aughh also I want to yap about this so bad

PLEASE ask any questions u have, my response box is open and you're welcome to in the comments to!! Or dms idc

AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!! am I crazy or no

If you've read this far you are a real one anyways live laugh love skephalo

[supercrazyangel4]

i feel like im losing my mind because is it just me or do ema and athena have like eerily similar backstories and no one talks about it. like prosecutor walks in on younger sibling figure and thinks they killed someone. frames someone else and is willing to frame themself for murder so the girl doesnt get in trouble. little girls tries to testify in court but no one will listen and this fucks them up so bad that when the prosecutor is in prison they go study in europe to work in the justice system so they or anyone else will never feel helpless and unable to help the truth come to light again. prosecutors case eventually is taken up by phoenix (with miles as prosecutor) where theyre super uncooperative because they dont want the girl theyre protecting to be implicated (which phoenix ends up doing anyways because thats where the evidence points no matter how much he likes his latest assistant). eventually revealed to all have been a set up by the unnervingly cheery officer in the double breasted suit the prosecutor has been working with. like am i crazy

[wiihtigo]

11, 16, 22, 25, 31 HE NEEDS CASEY BITES TO LIVE

ask game

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

haha (imagines casey confused and scared pretending she understands whats happening when she doesnt) ahh....

but yes she would 100% lie and nod along pretending she gets whats going on. and then i think she'd try to just brush it off and forget about it rather than try to piece things together and figure anything out. she doesnt mind living in blissful ignorance..its blissful

16. What makes their stomach turn?

hmmmm...shes not weak to bugs or rodents (she wouldnt go out of her way to play with rats but she wouldnt gaf about picking up a dead mouse to throw it outside if she found one), and i think she has a pretty good tolerance for movie-gore and body horror, but hmmm. real life injury i suppose, shes not good with pain. she hates pain! this is not a unique trait since ..everyone hates pain. but its true. heights make her stomach hurt too lol. so if you want to make her throw up, dangle her over a deep pit and punch her in the stomach 10000 times

22. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

(smiles) possessive ..which is CRAZYYY cuz if you ask casey if she even cares about nell she'd say helll no and she'd mean it..i think its not so much that shes actually afraid nell is going to leave her for another girl, its just annoyance seeing anyone else cozy up to HER bodyguard. its kind of cute to me that her internal opinion of nell goes up when shes using her to show off to other people. even though its insulting to nell.

on most days: nell is an evil jerk who cut off my ubereats privileges after i tried telling the same place the food never came for a refund 3 times and got banned

if any hussy breathes near ladybug: my handsome and brave superhero roommate who i live with and who protects me from everything and we're best friends and you should be jealous i know her secret identity and you dont kyahhhh~~

shes a difficult person

25. What are their thoughts on marriage?

she doesnt want to get married and she doesnt plan on dating anyone

its extremely low on her list of priorities not even for any forced "i have to focus on my goals" repression, it just coincidentally coincides with what she already feels, that she doesnt care about romance and stuff like that.

casey operates on a system where if there are enough pros to a situation that outweigh the cons to justify something she doesnt like or doesnt want to do, she'll do it. there are way too many cons to the idea of dating and marriage 1. she doesnt gaf in the first place so she doesnt see a point 2. she doesnt want children 3. she doesnt want the added financial burden of another person in her life 4. she doesnt want to spend her entire life forcing herself to make small talk with someone inside her house that just lives there forever now 5. she wants to focus on her goals of becoming a super awesome famous actor and the pros are............. 1. ?????

obviously her tune changes in new york ending where casey and nell get married because there are more nell specific pros and less cons. and even though she pulls out 'im literally your girlfriend!!!!!!" when its funny or convenient i think she mostly doesnt even see it that shes 'dating' nell, she just wants to be with her forever and nell can never date anyone or be in love with anyone but her for the rest of their lives

its cute though, when they do get married she does cozy up to the concept of being nells WIFE very quickly. you cant throw that shoe at me im your wiiiiiiiifeuhhhhhh eueueuuueee (crying ugly)

she also realizes the value of her wedding ring when she learns she can use it to instantly get out of any social obligation. hm no i cant go to drinks after work my partner doesnt like me being out so late. yes theyre a real BITCH haha you know how it is

31. Who are they the most glad to have met?

oh you....YOU KNOW WHO!!!!!!!

of course its nell bishop aka ladybug

she doesnt KNOW how happy she is to have nell in her life until way later because shes a stupid stupid girl, but nell is without a doubt the best and worst thing to ever happen to her

for 1, shes the most fulfilled and happiest and most alive she has ever felt with nell, but for 2, she fucking dies and it hurts her more than she ever thought something could emotionally effect her. so she hates nell for making her feel like that when one of the things she was so proud of herself for was her ability to trudge through anything and come out okay, to always get up and keep moving no matter the rejection or failure. but she is sooooooo so sad when nell dies it just puts a stop to her heart totally. and she HATES HER FOR IT!

this answer is kind of double edged because if she was asked if shed just prefer that she never met nell at all to avoid all this, she'd answer yes instantly, but deep inside that thought is really upsetting and scary.

the memory of nell doesnt make her a stronger or better person. she doesnt get up in the morning because nell would want her to take care of herself. she doesnt 'do it for her' or do anything kind or charitable in her memory. nells deaths caused nothing but negatives and she hates her so much for fucking up the direction of her life but if there was a button that would magically bring her back to life completely ok she'd break her finger spam pressing it

[water-mellie-seeds]

I think it's gone on long enough. I'm being told by our system to stop trying to make nice and trying to keep it a secret.

I've hopefully cooled down long enough to say this civilly. I can handle whatever bullshit death threats I get sent, they're a lot better than the way things are now.

A lot more people with conflicting views are following and even though it's complicated, but... longtime followers know; I ....AM honestly not comfortable with endogenic systems. Especially not the ones who view plurality as fun and Cool and something you can do whenever (Willogenics especially make me wildly uncomfortable.) I used to have it as a hard DNI, but DNIs don't work. Everyone knows that. So, I took it out on all our accounts to avoid conflict. I deleted all my posts about it prior, deleted any trace that I held a belief that was conflicting so that I wouldn't get harassed or threatened into believing something i didn't all the time.

I try to keep my time on the internet discourse-free, but there's been a steady decline in my comfortability every time someone like that comes around here. I try to coexist with it, like you would anything else but it's harming me. Its opening doors I don't want open. See, when you adjust your boundaries for one person, you end up welcoming more and more of what you don't want in. I don't want to be friends or mutuals or whatever sort of bond theyre trying to form with me. I respect that they walk life differently than me, and I'm not saying everyone should feel the way I do, but I can't keep lying.

So, with that information, I'll be blocking everyone in my followers list who identifies as endogenic. It's not right to lead anyone on, especially when its been going on for months now.

If this stance is a dealbreaker, you're welcome to leave. No matter how much you said you liked me, no matter how long you've been following. I won't ask, I won't be mad.

That said, do NOT dm me about this, I'll ignore it like I do most dms. It's not something I want to discuss.

[fictionkinfessions]

Earlier (and by arlier i mean like 30minutes ago) i just made a bunch of pluralkit bots and started talking to myself, but it doesnt really feel like im talkignt o myself yk? Idk. I thought (and still think) that i was fictionkin but. Like- something similar had happened like this a while ago, where i would want to use certain pronouns- but ONLY in the context of me being the character. Ive done alot of reaserch on DID, OSDD, & the like and i was pretty sure that i was a singlet, bit idontthink that just based off of this ill be able to know if im plural or not but yea (sorry to any systems/ more educated people than me who are reading this if im spreading misinformation please tell me! I do NOT want to be purposely spreading misinfo)

I have other things that could be read as symptoms of DID/OSDD, though they can be explained away by other conditions i have. Like memory gaps/ not remembering what happened but knowing that something happened (this can be explained by adhd), and intense mood swings- like ill be super happy one moment, then ill get a moment of silence and just. Sit there. In the silence. Or ill get really fucking mad out of nowhere over small things. (This could again be due to adhd, autism, smth else, or just me being a teen so my homomones are doing whatever theyre doing, and the last one could be a trauma response to things) another kind of mood swings but id still count it as seprate is, doing something, really drastic, but being fully in the moment, id act- crazy isnt the right word, but i cant think of another decriptor, but then id come back into being, like id become aware of my actions and just.

Like- sit there? Thinking and asking myself why i did that. (Yea idk why this happens sometimes, not as often recently but its been like that for a while)

Sometimes things i dont remember watchign will show up as watched (but that could be a youtube glitch or an adhd memory issue)

Ill have periods of time (sometimes but usually after a traumatic/stressful event) where ill grow severely attatched to characters, ill animorph into them kinda but then after a while it just. Goes away. Sometimes i still miss the friends or family of said character but not always.

Idk if this stuff is normal, i just wanna know if this lines up w/ the experiences of snyone and if they could tell me what this means?

Sorry in advance if this isnt ok to post mpc

(I also apologize for my spelling mistakes to anyone who has a difficult time reading, ill try to do better next time if i submit another ask)

party note this is supposed to be an open question so if anyone would like to reply, please feel free!

[cybercritterinyourcomputer]

writing this on a whim because my brain is torturing me about it for some reason and i figured what better place to go than tumblr [this is somewhat sarcasm]. i do not particularly know why i am writing/asking this but im chucking it out there to ease the thoughts so i can go to sleep

to any systems or whatever or really anyone reading who found this through the tags i put here, how did you know you were a system. or plural or how did you start questioning it how did you figure it out. bear with me its past 2 am my writing is atrocious . how did you know if you never knew before?

i dont think im plural, but something wormed its way into my brain today or yesterday and i dont know why or when and and its not the first time this has popped into my brain i think. the thought of what if what if what if but im me. its my me it there its me its my thoughts and there is no other people in my brain just me myself and i. its not quiet it never is but it is just me

i think a clearer question i want to ask is: how can you tell if something is just dpdr[because i fear i may have that, unfortunately it is very likely] or this? this as in osdd or did or whatever

it would appear simple but unfortunately for a lot of my life my sense of self has been so broken and so messy because. fuck all everything happening i guess but its just me, truly. i talk to myself, i draw different versions of myself together, i split myself into many parts to cope with things, to highlight the different parts of me, variants. the wolf, the puppy, the robot, the hermit, the hollow, the dragon, and whatever the Me is i dont know who or what i am when im so many things and nothing at the same time. i didnt completely think about this but also how heavily i relate to certain characters in media but this may just be a nonhuman thing. i see so much of myself in certain characters and so much of them in me sometimes to the point where i dont know where i start and they end. but again i think that is just a nonhuman thing or a coping thing. because its still just me here

where does the age regression and nonhumanity start and where does it end when i rely on my creations of myself to keep me afloat. i only talk to myself through thinking and drawing, i dont talk to anybody else in my head, its all me. and unfortunately theres a pattern where i learn of something and i think about it and i go, "oh, no, no no, that is absolutely not me, never would dream of it! even thinking that i could be that is a crime to all the ones that truly have that!" and then it ends up being too true. the depression, the adhd, the age regression, the therianthropy, the hard denial of abuse, the hard denial of possible autism. my friends speculate i have ptsd or cptsd. i dont want to go down that line of thinking with this, i *know* i dont have it, but the fear

its annoying because ive never really been here present in my body im never really here and the horrors dont end and theres always been something wrong with me but i know its other things. i wont share the details, but the situation ive been in the past 8? months has been horrible horrid no good on my brain i hate being awake. and it feels like someone else took the reins but im still feeling the hurt i still have the memories but they dont feel like mine. my memories have never felt like my own but theyre mine and i have to write everything down or i will forget. i go to work i listen to family shit on me i go to work i do something all day but its not me im still in my room playing a game in my pjs but that was almost a year ago but im still there but i went to work but it wasnt me

because my mind is empty, its just me. it really truly is just me. i think im just lonely. and hoping someone could take me away from everything im always going through or for someone to be there. in my head

there was never anything to make me think this before, a couple times i have but years ago, for no reason, im quite sure its just me. i had imaginary friends as a kid which is normal for kids. i still kind of do but its just me talking to me, im saying two things. i think i just have a lot of possible trauma[i dont believe im traumatized but my friends are quite firm that my entire life has been a shitshow since i was born] and a lot of coping mechanisms plus the fact that i have to pretend for my family and me being trans and me being nonhuman and me so its mostly just that

i dont really know what exactly im even asking. i think im just throwing out a bone and praying for someone to go "yeah dude thats normal youre fine, youre normal" and for my brain to stop ruminating and its annoying. or for someone to ease my curiosity and fear and dread. im throwing out a bone, im begging for someone to glance my way, im begging for someone to tell me its okay. not the begging to be okay but to say that my brain is okay and that my life is okay

[valdrift]

as the end of 2024 has been getting closer ive been both dreading and anticipating the new year and its a feeling tht i really dislike lol (more under cut bc my rambling got way longer than i thought 😦)

like i moved out 2022 and its been amazing for both my mental health and growth as a person since being away from my family gave me the space to figure out what i want to do and how to. idk. live ? got medicated, developed better coping mechanisms, made great friends, etc. i mean im living with my friends rn and theyre like family and i just got licensed to be an lvt and its all great ! but the thing is that my bio family need me and thts probably the root of the issue

cus my family is dirt poor, like living on gov aid, and none of them can work so growing up i was always told how i needed to be successful to take care of them even though i had plenty of rich relatives and i always wondered why none of them bothered to help and decided to put all that responsibility on a kid ?? and i was pretty much raised into being my family's eventual caretaker. from 13-17 i used to be so angry/depressed/resentful about it and hated my family bc it felt like they robbed me of my agency but now, i cant blame them. im not saying they should have done tht to a kid but i understand why. theres a bunch of complicated legal things and other stuff i dont want to get into and my family are either old, disabled, or both and god knows my relatives arent going to help so its up to me yknow ? its why im moving back in with them by 2025 to take care of them. and i love my family, i really do even if i dont tell them bc we dont talk like that and we all know it anyways. my mom is such a strong person despite how everyone looks down on her and i want her to have nice things, i want my family to live in a house that is clean and not falling apart, i want my mom to not have to ever worry about working and to have time for herself bc shes been stuck caring for kids for half her life. i love my family, i want to take care of them, and im angry i never got a choice. family is complicated and i wish it was as easy as just going "i dont want this responsibility" but i know its not

i keep telling myself that this is just how things are supposed to be and im going to spend the rest of my life taking care of them and i thought i accepted it but theres still some small part of me thats reluctant. i know im never going to have a partner or romance bc my family is and always will be my first priority and ig thats sad but i really dont mind. and im not just saying that, like genuinely im fine being single, i dont need companionship and have never felt that loneliness. im just fine with my friends and i dont need anything more, it just kinda sucks i dont get that choice. the whole thing is kinda sad and ive been told as much but these are the cards life dealt me and better me than someone else i guess

truth is im kind of scared, it feels like my life has already peaked and being away from my family has been so freeing but its selfish and damn if i dont want to be selfish for just a little longer. but its hard when i can see my mom getting older and the house getting worse and im angry that this isnt as easy as it should be. this country is awful and the systems in place are cruel and makes life as difficult as possible for people of color, the poor, and disabled. i know i'll get over it and i'll be moving back in and helping them like i promised but i'm only 22. my relatives are acting like i'm wasting my life every second im not helping my family or working towards making 6 figures or whatever and i won't lie it's put doubts in my mind. but im only 22!!!! i dont know. maybe im being dramatic because honestly it could be worse and we're even lucky to have a roof over our heads and to even have a steady source of income no matter how little it is. ive never told anyone the last bit abt being scared and all that, i think its easier to type it than say it, and it also helps i dont have a face to yall and i dont have to look you in the eye. i dont know if ive ever shared this much or anything like this on here either lol. i dont know

tldr; do it scared i guess

[actualbird]

do you think marius has ever fainted or passed out from the sheer workload and stress he deals with on a daily basis? they always talk about how he has this fatigue and tiredness but honestly im surprised he’s never had a breakdown or anything

OH ABSOLUTELY YES YESSSS

i very much think hes passed out due to sheer fatigue probably many times, but that he just....got really good at making sure nobody notices. like, the moment marius feels his balance failing or feels the telltale lightheadedness of unconsciousness ready to ram into him, he tried to either find an empty room or some place to sit down and ride it out. and then when hes conscious again, if anybody saw him he just goes like "just needed to rest my eyes, hehe"

people who arent close to him cant tell hes lying. hes a fantastic actor, and it is very important for marius to appear invincible and invulnerable within pax, so he makes sure of this. hes passed out plenty, but nobody notices

the few people who do notice and know are probably:

1 ) vincent

oh the things vincent has seen....this one is definitely the most worrying one, and whenever he catches it happening he does his best to try and shift schedules to somehow lighten marius' workload. i figure maybe one time he garnered up the courage to suggest marius rest, but...it's not that marius is disrespectful or anything, but the suggestion just slides straight past him

"i appreciate the concern, vincent, but it's really no problem," marius says easily. just a few minutes ago, he'd fainted the moment he got into his office and it sent such a shock of adrenaline into vincent's system. "after all, nobody else can do this work right now, so i just...gotta keep going."

and the worst part was that marius was right. not about this being a non-issue, but that nobody else can be pax ceo right now. it all falls to marius, and vincent can try his best to help, but moments like these remind him how isolated marius really is all the way there at the top.

2 ) the nxx team

the team see marius at a special level of fatigue: where he always pushes it past it for the newest case, to investigate the latest lead, to keep on going. given how perceptive the team is and how theyve worked with marius for a While, marius can never hide it from them

but it's also really hard to bring it up sometimes, because theres usually always something more important, high-stakes, and pressing at hand when theyre all together

"don't worry about me," marius would say. he might even make a joke like "you should go check on vyn, i know he gets cranky when he's up past 10pm"

deflection is one of marius' skills, so oftentimes during cases, none of the team can really confront him on his overwork

but while marius might like to pretend that this isnt a problem, none of the others have to do the same and can show their support in little ways: a very soft blanket from artem placed on the nxx hq couch for anyone to use for a nap, relaxing sleepytime teas from vyn stocked in the pantry for anyone to have a drink of, a suddenly and inexplicably overhauled digital file system luke made to make some of the tinier clerical nxx tasks a bit faster to sift through.

and mc's learned some of marius' tricks now by this point and is totally fine using them against him. she'll sit down next to him on the couch with a yawn and lean on marius' shoulder. "be my pillow for 10 minutes, i need a nap" and whats marius gonna do, say NO to that? he would never. and he'd end up drifting off for a little nap too.

conclusion: marius von hagen go to bed challenge! pls, before u just DROP FROM THE EXHAUSTION!!!

[sirfleetfoot]

Divinemadnesscore (and a small vent. Tw suicide and sh mentions)

Accepting my divinity has always been the hardest for me, as opposed to discovering myself. Having been trained to deal with 'problems' or things that cause 'bad things' like stress or anxiety by shutting it down, that's what I tried to do.

but, this artwork, a self portrait, aka, what it feels and looks like being me, is a physical way of asserting that I'm done doing that. I'm done hurting myself, biting my own heads to force them down, to try to squeeze myself into a box that never would have fit anyway. My divinity is something (and I had to refrain from saying unfortunately) that impacts my mortal life a lot. The more I try to surpress it the more it gets angrier and pushier, demanding to be seen.

I have to admit, a big reason I've finally realized what I have to do is to simply let me be, is because I realized that if I continued down the path of suppressing something so big, I would kill myself. I remember when a member of the system, Lilian, would be violent and want to kill himself if he fronted, because the rest of us ignored him and tried to murder him, seeing that he was a dark stain, the evidence of our past we hated.

But no one really wants to die. To Lilian, it felt like a triumph. Hurting us, and himself, to show he existed. When we accepted him (which was a hard and painful process on its own, due to his distrust in us. I mean we did try to murder him repeatedly I get it) he saw no need to hurt us. Why would he?

In the same way, the way my mortal self bites and chews at my divinity sends a deep pain through both of us. All we do is bite and hurt ourselves and the pain makes us angrier and hate each other more. But I'm done with this.

Its terrifying, letting myself be. I've glimpsed what I am, and it's horrifying, beautiful, eldritch. But that dosent stop me. It'll be awkward, unlearning all the ways I hurt myself to make sure I stay in my lane. I've lived this life hacking and killing so much of me, mentally, physically and spiritually, I dont know what it feels like to not bleed, to just be, to not run and jump onto the altar, lie down and plunge my blade into my stomach before anyone else has a chance to. I'm done pulling out my own flight feathers before they can be clipped. The ones who used to clip my wings forgot I had those. Seeing they didn't like them, I took it to myself to pull them out. So many times I've done this they've forgotten I grew flight feathers. And I forgot I grew flight feathers, seeing plucking at my sore, bloody wings as a daily chore, no more upsetting than doing the laundry. I set inhibitors on my mind, shut my mouth, so that people I knew could live in ignorance, unchallenged, unaware a small child could read them front to back like a book. Their little secrets, hidden insecurities, I blinded myself, I wouldn't let myself see or look or be anything other than normal. I slowed my thoughts, and split off into my mind, creating realms to busy myself, so that I ran at the normal times, so no one could tell. Instead of blurting out things people didn't like to hear, I swallowed honey so that my tongue was sickly sweet.

no longer. If this ends up a mess I'll face them with all of me, my wings healed. My body is scarred and beaten and crippled, my mind tired and soggy, my soul bleeding, filled with holes and claw marks from my own constant assaults on myself. But even as the flight feathers that grow shall be flimsy, sprouting between scar tissue from years of plucking, they are my feathers, my wings, my goddamn life. It won't be the same - of course it won't. The long, sturdy flight feathers that used to sprout now small, easily broken, flimsy. That's OK. Theyre my flimsy feathers.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

nhw tide powerset, copy-pasted from discord (feeling too lazy to fix any mistakes rn <3)

tide was Literally Created To Be A Hero. thats . really all he is for a while. which means he is VERY GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES. GOD. cannot state enough just how much i think the elementals should be like. forces of nature (ha) but like. especially tide and magma. you see them in a fight and the instinct driven lizard monkey brain goes "oh fuck oh shit im in danger time to go into fight or flight mode"

that being said i dont think they really .. synergize with anyone outside of each other. there are different reasons for each of them but i think like… the reason the elementals were so successful in their time is because they work REALLY FUCKING WELL together (because theyre all clones of one guy so technically theyre the same person but theyre NOT but you get what i mean). they are all equals with each other but not necessarily with other people. so i think.. when the elementals were all together i think they almost always worked as a team and not much with anyone else, but after they broke apart… i think tide and magma stay pretty solo for their respective endbringers. they might team up with each other occasionally or when theyre against simurgh (im thinkin they can do really fun things with steam clouds) but other than that theyre kind of on their own. well. magma i think works with seismic a lot when he shows up. but he doesnt always show up. remind me after this to expand on the current elementals dynamic bc god i think about them a lot.

all this to say i think tide works solo most of the time and he has his reasons for it but i think that makes it even more impactful when he eventually starts teaming up w mark in fights (ooough tidalwave forever)

ros helped me out w the classification we've i think decided on shaker/mover for him . also like. thinker 1 wetsuit powers which is mostly a joke but also i kind of want it to be serious bcause it would be funny for ME . also im really bad at the number system so im not assigning him numbers. hes sooo powerful though. not enough that he can take on an endbringer ALONE bc that would be insane. but enough that he can fight leviathan for like. 10-20 unbroken minutes and not get immediately killed

ok ok specific powers here we go:

Hydrokinesis: pretty. obvious i guess. mans can control water. i thiiiink for now this is gonna be limited to liquid water and not ice. maybe in conjunction with someone elses power they could freeze his water but i dont think hed be able to control it much after that i think it would just keep whatever momentum it had before. also i think he is limited to liquids that are almost entirely water? as much as i love the potential of bloodbender tide i dont see a way to like. write him actually using that without it being sooooo so so awful and not in a fun way. but with things that r like… mixtures? solutions? whatever? as long as theyre mostly water i think he can partially control them. not as strong as water but he can. control the water In Them but but the Substance. does that mean anything? im thinking abt the part in burn your bridges where he uses whatever liquid was in the tubes to slow their falls. but he didnt like. use it to carry them to a stretcher or anything he just made sure they didnt faceplant onto the concrete.

Breathing underwater: also self explanatory. mans got gills. i like the idea of each of the clones having veryyyyy minor physical alterations. tides got gills and little fins. magmas got weird colored eyes and stone (lava rock) skin in a few places.

enhanced movement in water: i think this is partially because he can control water, he can use it to propel himself in whatever direction. create currents if hes fully underwater and stuff. i think he can make it through leviathans storm pretty easily. well,,, not easily because he cant really do anything about wind. but the rain/waves dont affect him as bad as they would other capes . also he can do the cool thing he can do in canon where he like. surfs on a wave. i rlly like that visual.

I FEEL LIKE I AM. FOGETTING SOMTHING HERE. SO IF U HAVE LIIIIKE SPECIFIC INTERACTION OR IMAGERY QUESTIONS I PROBABLY GOTCHU BUT HERES WHAT IVE GOT OFF THE DOME RN

also a bonus potential leviathan battle scene <3:

I think the wards' first endbringer fight Should Be leviathan and I don't think they were supposed to go but they did anyway and virion tried to copy tides power and he had a fucking. dad panic moment about it. full on dead stop in the middle of the fight you boys SHOULDNT BE HERE go home. but eventually imprint copies his power anyway and Tide realizes like. OK. he won't be in as much danger if he can do the same things as me. and that's the ONLY reason he doesn't fucking abandon the leviathan fight (insane thought for him to even consider) and get them out to safety