#my poor neglected characters are yelling at me

[colderdrafts]

Guess who's getting his teets yeeted this Tuesday

↑ Thhhhis guy :)

[fakescenariosbeforesleepblog]

A forbidden love.

König x Fem reader.

A colonel arrives at your house to live with you and your husband's family, you weren't expecting to fall for the man who imprisoned him.

«You and I. We'll see each other again mein Engel, you will see me but not as a soldier, you will not even recognize me and you will be a new woman, a different person»

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

Warning: image is not mine, spelling and grammatical errors, it is not so long and I admit it's not so good.

You met your husband a few years ago, your parents were the kind of people who believe in marriage alliances, at a very young age you forgot about any possibility to find someone else and fall in love like normal people do.

When you married you went to live with your new husband and his family, to be more precise, his mother, an arrogant woman, it was a silent battle between you and her, your parents died and their business passed to your husband, you never asked what he was into, until one night during his business trips, he didn't come back.

You saw his face on tv, wearing an orange suit, he was in prison, money, drugs and weapons traffic plus some other dark things.

They found your husband thanks to a private military group, he was in a hotel room unconscious because of all the drugs in his system, all his security staff died.

Thanks to that, now you will receive the visit of one of those soldiers, you will share your house with him, your mother in law told you he was an enemy, you needed to be at your husband's side, you wouldn't be allowed to talk to him or be in the same room as him.

- He's here, look at my Y/N, you're not allowed to talk to him, do you understand?

- Yes.

You muttered, As soon as your mother in law opened the door, a giant black shadow filled the doorframe. He's tall, wearing black clothes and combat boots, blue eyes, that's the only thing you can see of his face, he hides himself under a black mask. His voice is actually very kind and calmed.

- Good morning ladies, I'm König, i will try not to bother you.

You were going to say something but then you remembered what you promised, so you simply nodded and stayed closing the door while your mother in law showed him his provisional room.

During dinner you and your mother in law were gossiping, you still weren't understanding what he was doing there.

- So... König will stay... For how long?

- Don't call him by his name! (She yelled at you, a few minutes of uncomfortable silence later she continued speaking) ...Until they can find something else to blame your poor husband or until he finds if we're involved in his business.

He did what he promised, you rarely see him and today is one of those few times. You were carrying some boxes full of clothes and stuff you're not planning to use anymore, they're heavy and some help would be great but no, you can't.

König sees you and goes to offer his help which clearly you ignore it.

- Excuse me, Can I help you? I have to check those boxes anyways.

No response.

- You can say no, miss.

You continue your way to the car, putting the boxes in the backseat and go back inside the house. The same afternoon, while you're in the garden reading, you see him again. He approaches you, and offers you a cigarette, you neglect with your head, you think that will be enough and he will leave you but he starts to talk.

- I usually am the one who applies the treatment silence, I understand if you hate me.

- I don't hate you.

You muttered, your voice is almost a whisper, thank god König has a good ear.

- Can I take a seat?

He points at the empty space at your side, you agree.

- you say you don't hate me, but your attitude says something else.

- My husband's mother... She almost puts a gun in my head, I'm not allowed to talk to you, but I don't hate you.

- Well, she's not here right now, feel free to talk, I'm here doing my job but that doesn't mean I'm YOUR enemy, just your husband's enemy.

You laugh at his joke, for the first time in years you laugh, and for König is beautiful, the most beautiful sound. How can someone like you have a husband like that man he captured.

- Are you married, König?

- I was, then she left me.

- I'm sorry, at least she let you go, my husband keeps me here and now he is in prison while I have to live under his mother's eye.

- Why are you married to that man?

- My parents. It was an alliance between them and him, he now is in charge of my parents business, I don't owe nothing of this.

You talked for hours, discovering all the chemistry between you and him, the secret conversations turned into something essential in your day by day with him, but secrets cannot be hidden forever.

Your mother in law told you, she noticed the way you blush when he's around, the small smiles you send him, she will not allow it, you will not abandon her son.

- The only thing I expect from you is to be loyal!

-But I am!

- You are a friend of our enemy! How can you talk to him knowing well he was the one who... Sent your husband to that prison! When I see him I would like to put a bullet in his skull!

You've been loyal, you don't want problems so the wall between you and him goes back, until one day when you go to the room where könig spends almost his entire time, you're curious about his investigations.

Papers, pictures, files, you started to think about how stupid it was to go and spy on him until one of the files with your name catches your attention.

Talk about your and your husband's family, marriage and then... A small text about another woman, apparently your husband has another wife and children. You felt betrayed, you had a big discussion with your mother in law, she tried to justify her son but nothing worked, finally there was a reason to leave, to not be loyal anymore.

- I refuse to be in this marriage any longer! I will not stay here to support a husband who never loved me and never showed me the minimum affection!

- YOU DON'T HAVE WHERE TO GO Y/N! YOU'RE NOTHING! LESS THAN NOTHING WITHOUT MY SON!

König heard the discussion, he wanted to hold you, tell you how important you are, show you how sweet and amazing you are, but he can't interfere and mix his work and his feelings.

The same night he was in his room finishing some paperwork when you knocked on his door wearing a nightgown, puffy eyes, plump lips and red cheeks, you quickly jumped on his arms hiding your face in the crook of his neck, at first he hesitated but quickly forgot the rules, fuck the job, fuck everybody else, it's just you and him, he quit his mask and you saw him, the scars, his lips, his jaw. He was gentle, he treated you softly but at the same time showed you how does it feel to be desired by someone.

For the first time in life you felt love, passion, desire, you became addicted to him, his perfume, his lips, his eyes on you, his hands and arms around you at every opportunity you had, both fell in this passional frenzy and the fear of losing him grew inside you, because, eventually he would leave and you wouldn't see him again.

- What's wrong, Meine Liebe?

- You will leave and what will happen to me?

König doesn't say anything, he just hugs you tightly, he loves you, of course he does but... He thinks you deserve better, a better life that he probably can't give you, at least that's his way to think since his ex-wife abandoned him with that excuse «I deserve a life that you can't give me» .

You've been thinking about a way to help König, you want your freedom, leave your husband, you don't want money, you simply want to leave him and live your own life, you were cleaning your closet when a small hidden door is behind one of your drawers, there's a bunch of documents and passwords, you read them quickly and indeed was information that could sentence to years of prison not only your husband but his mother too.

It worked, König found a way to help you, his testimony and reports about what he saw during those weeks with you were enough to get witness protection programs for you, you would go to live in a new country with a new identity, a chance to start again. For him there wasn't a better way to demonstrate how much he loved you.

You were in the airport with him, waiting for your flight, it was a bitter goodbye, you were sniffing, sobbing and crying, why does he not understand your life wouldn't be complete without him?.

- Will I ever see you again?

- Oh Mein süßes Mädchen (my sweet girl) you deserve a better life, a better man and a better love.

He was holding you, caressing your hair, you were crying and pleading him to stay with you.

- I don't want no one else but you, why don't you understand that? We can keep this in secret!

«Flight 150 with destiny to...»

- Es tut mir Leid (sorry) it is time to go, mein Engel.

- I love you König, I really do.

You look up at him, his blue eyes seem tired and sad, you understand the fact that he can't risk his credibility and his job, but you can't understand why he can't accept you want to stay at his side, it could be a secret, there's no need to tell someone about it. After a long hug you decide to part, you were walking to the entrance of the tunnel where your flight awaits when he called your name.

- Y/N, wait!

You were expecting he reconsidered your situation, he approached you and hugged you again pressing his forehead against yours, whispering.

- You and I. We'll see each other again mein Engel, you will see me but not as a soldier, you will not even recognize me and you will be a new woman, a different person. Ich liebe dich, y/n.

Months passed by and you, indeed, became a new person, there's a new woman inside you, but you still think about him, in the middle of the night when there's nobody at your side to hug you, when you need the warmth and the touch of someone, you think about him every time you observe the blue grey skies at rainy days, you wonder if he still remember you, if he's okay.

König still thinks about you, he keeps an eye on you not only because it's his job it's because he also cares about you, he knows you opened a small flower shop, your new address, you're single, you're not dating no one, he knows for you it's okay in the day because you're busy but the problem it's at night, the lights of your bedroom are on until the first hours of the morning, you sit in front of the window for hours observing the sky, he knows that feeling, the emptiness inside you it is the same he experimented too.

It's a torture for him to see you like that and is also a pain in his chest to be far from you, incapable to kiss you, hug you, taste you, love you. He never felt so weak and powerless, he needed you.

He took the closest flight to your new country, he doesn't care anymore if people know he's going to see you, he just wants you back.

You were closing your store when you heard a voice, the voice you could recognize anywhere.

- Excuse me, I would like to buy flowers for the woman I love.

You turned to look at the person behind you, there he is, that brown soft hair, his blue eyes, the prominent and straight nose, the scars on his face, his jaw, the neck that one day was your safe place.

He's nervously smiling at you, his eyes scream how much he begs you to forgive him.

Your eyes are full of tears while you smile, both are in front of each other, after months living in pure torture, both are finally there, he was right, you both would see each other again.

[osarina]

oh carina have you read the manga oyasumi punpun? it’s terribly depressing imo and it reminded me a lot of dazai. i kept thinking of him and reader as punpun and aiko, if you’ve read it ykwim. though not the exact same plot because a lot of shit went down and it got pretty dark tbh. but i keep thinking of him and reader both being in elementary school and having miserable home lives like the characters, and then meeting when reader transferred to his class and it would be love at absolute first sight for him, and they’d grow closer and so on…in my little au they run away together and everything ends up fine which the characters didn’t actually get to do. have you ever thought of writing a childhood friends au for dazai where we get to see his relationship with reader through the years because that would be absolutely adorable. i’ve been imagining him and reader both belonging to wealthy families in a town on the outskirts of tokyo, since it’s kinda hinted that bsd dazai is from the countryside like the real author was. they’re like 11 or something and attend school together in the same class and reader is well liked and popular with their peers, but not him since he is perceived as odd by others due to his reclusive and quiet nature, this gloomy personality of his having been largely shaped by his neglectful and bad home life, yet he cannot help but silently admire reader. one day after school there is a thunderstorm and the rain is pouring, and all the other kids get picked up by their parents, except for reader and dazai. their parents being busy doing rich people stuff or whatever, leaves them without anyone to pick them up, so now they’re the only people left in the school. this leads to reader approaching him and them talking while waiting out the rainstorm together. the next day, reader stays behind after school instead of heading home with the others, since dazai usually takes a while to pack being in no hurry to get home, and asks if he wants to walk home together. and so it begins. they become very close, him especially becoming immensely attached to reader, her being the sole good thing in his life and his very reason for breathing. but then at 14 yo, news come from his parents that his poor old grandfather is sick back in yokohama and that they’re gonna visit since it’s so close. well, poor old grandfather turns out to be a mafia boss and dazai is promptly abandoned by his parents at the hands of the old man, and separated from reader. three years later, he’s on an important mission to take out a dangerous member of a rival organization and is watching through binoculars as his assassins are attempting to get a clear shot of the member, a woman getting out of a car, but just as they’re about to pull the trigger, she turns around, and his heart drops and his blood runs cold, abruptly yelling sharp orders for them to cease the operation at once. the rival member would live to see another day, and many more if he could help it, because she turned out to be none other than reader, having somehow made her way into the criminal underworld as well.

OH MY GODDDDDDDD NONNIEEEEE UR BRAIN - i've actually been really wanting to do a TRUE childhood friends to strangers to lovers fic w dazai, set before he meets mori and then they meet again later on BUT YOUR BRAIN ?? MAKING HER PART OF AN ENEMY ORGANIZATION ??? THAT'S SO GOOD WHAT

no but can we pls talk about childhood friends with dazai :') growing up with him. dazai being the youngest kid of a wealthy family, often neglected by the rest of his family and left to his own devices. he's so lonely and sad all of the time and people in school think he's weird or are maybe jealous of his family's wealth so they exclude him from everything. and then you come in, transfer midway through the year and there's only one open seat left in class and it's next to dazai. the other kids obviously make comments about it, calling him weird and telling u to come sit over at their table for lunch so dazai thinks it's just going to be more of the same. sits alone at lunch like always, picks at his food, but then you come to sit next to him and the rest is history :') UGHHHHH CHILDHOOD FRIENDS MY BELOVED

[anotherexistingbeing]

Random hcs and info dumps of the day: Short edition

I LIED, MY ASS GOT INVESTED AGAIN LMAO

i just hc that because kito gets raised by ao bing and ao guang, their hair and fur get well taken care of growing up and they look beter than mac and wukong in terms of that xdd fashion monkey lmaoo

kito is scared of wukong even after 400+ years because they saw who he can be when pushed past his limit, and because of them getting punished by him

pigsy stays awake at night during s3 until kito returns, saving food, water, pillows and blankets

the gang sees how wukong treats kito in such a toxic manner and protects kito from him, especially pigsy having yelled and snapped at wukong to back off from kito

Because kito was punished by wukong (him giving them the hoop that limits their power and crown hurting them when they have a breakdown), kito is actually a bit below wukong and macaque in terms of power, abilities and strength but makes up for it with wit, speed, and battle IQ trained in the ways of the dragons, lotus and attended master subodhi's school

Macaque still watches over kito, despite his severed ties with his child: he looks out for them in small ways has kito noticed? answer: yes!

kito shares some of the same abilities with macaque that they gained at birth when mac touched their egg (and the egg absorbing loose power and dna here and there) they can hear x1 better than macaque, despite him trying his best to hide: he was still a huge part of kito's life in their eyes (which i have to write and stuff because patience and creator's block be a bish)

when wukong and some of the pilgrim brothers neglected the poor cub, macaque was there to pick up the slack and comfort the cub even taking them to see chang'e (who's unaware of the trauma and events kito went through)

the only ones who cared from the start were wukong, ao lie and sha wujing, zhu baije, macaque and the monk took a while to warm up to kito when they were born and growing up for reasons that don't pass as good: they had a fear that kito was just going to be another wukong doing what they wanted, never listen to others, ect. (i love wukong for the complex character he is, but man is he a toxic mf RRRRRR)

but because of these fears, kito was wildly misunderstood and thus, this poor kid was unjustifiably punished despite these mistakes, they never meant to hurt anyone they just wanted to be like their baba, and craved his love it was just the wrong place, wrong time even though wukong hurt kito the way he did, he did truly care about them he was just not the right person to care for them in the journey, and when he said for them to go:

he didn't mean for them to walk until their body dropped, miscommunication there he tried putting the kid in time out but his dumbass wasn't specific

in the current lmk timeline, wukong thought kito was being dramatic when that happened (stupid shit ik lmaooo)

Imma leave it at that but there's so much to the story i made for this blueberry cub, I love them sm if you made it this far into the post, Ty for reading!! I appreciate those on this fixation with me and for loving my oc as much as I do!

i hope y'all have a fantastic time and lemme know what you thought of this info dump! :3

[scrumptiousstuffs]

Only Friends Episode 4 - Emergency Contact

Where very much needed conversations between most of the casts are done. And the water becomes murkier with even more messy connections and entangled characters. This is me again just trying to process what I saw and keeping my thoughts straight before the next episode

Mew and Ray

Well, we learn more about Ray and why he is fixated with Mew. I feel like he has put Mew up in this pedestal of a perfect man/friend. Ray seems to have an obsessive personality and he has the need to be taken care of, which Mew has done so far as his closest friend, bar from one aspect - the one as a lover, and now with Top in the picture, he feels neglected somehow. It doesn’t help his poor self-esteem or his lonely soul.

Khaotung as usual nailed it with his opening performance of someone who was (may still be?) suicidal, using prescription pills and alcohol to numb his sorrows and loneliness. Mew being his emergency contact because he truly has nobody in his corner - no other close friends (maybe Chuem? certainly not Boston), an absent father and a dead mom (who we also learn probably don’t love him when she was alive, and Ray blaming himself for her death 🥲). And so, when Mew saved Ray that night, fiercely reminding him “I’ll always be in your corner. I love you, all our friends love you”, I don’t blame Ray for ditching Sand that night (he could have explain and handle it better but Ray as we now know is a disaster muffin 😫).

In some way, Ray is immature. He loves wholeheartedly but also selfishly, which in turn means he sometimes makes questionable decisions. Like him kissing Mew without consent? - a big 🚫🙅🏾‍♀️.

And I’m glad Mew called him out for it. It was a needed scene. Khao and Book handled the scene impeccably (both the aftermath and Ray’s subsequent sincere apology to Mew in the latter apartment). Similarly, I’m glad Mew made it clear to Ray while he will always think Ray as his dearest friend, that’s all they will ever be - yes it’s heartbreaking for Ray, but it’s a step for Ray to hopefully move forward, although I doubt he will be able to forget Mew as his first love/crush quickly, and my worry is as the episodes progresses and we see RaySand blossoming while TopMew in crisis - Mew calling Ray for help, the latter may again drop Sand (unintentionally or not) like a hot coal 🙃….

Ray and Sand

Which brings us to my bias couple 😅….Sand was absolutely in his rights to ignore Ray’s messages after being ditch like that on the night. He has enough self-awareness about his burgeoning feelings for Ray but knows Ray is not ready for it (he may not know about Mew (yet),but Ray’s immaturity and selfish nature means Sand is wary to start anything deeper).

But well, we all know Ray is a persistent gremlin and he is a sweet charmer when he wants to be. Paired that with his effective puppy eyes (gawd…I think we have seen it in effect 3-4 times now!!!), and Sand fold each time (I don’t blame you sir! 😂)

My favourite scenes from this episode (which I’m sure hold true for most SandRay bias) will have to be the guitar 🎸 shop and music record store scenes. The whole conversation between Sand and Ray in the guitar shop was 👌👌👌- Sand making it clear he is uncomfortable with Ray throwing money around, bluntly saying friendship and love cannot be bought and Sand advising Ray should be mindful of other people’s feelings. But we are again reminded how low Ray’s self-esteem is that he asked Sand to yell at him as a “burden to the society”, thinking it will make Sand forgive him. And when Sand does the opposite, I think there is a genuine surprise from Ray, which brought upon the soft scene of which we see Ray admits he cares about Sand feelings, wanting to make amend…

And then we penned to the music store scene where further much needed conversation between these 2 happen - that whole conversation about fav band and music was 🫶. As a metaphor of Ray being stuck and living the past, never taking the opportunity to embrace the future or open up to his present (with Sand again gently but firmly pointing it to him).

Plus the whole scene of them listening to the music record, sneaking glances at each other and their fingers gradually drifting closer while eventually intertwining 🥰🥰🥰(First killed it with his yearning and soft eyes in this episode, and Khao’s genuine smile light up his whole face - I’m a goner for these 2 🫠)

We finished this episode with Ray now focusing all his energy in wooing Sand (do I think it means he has forgotten Mew as his first love?Not really, and I think that will be a contentious matter once Sand finds out, and I still think Ray alcoholism +/- drug habits will also rear its ugly head soon. Because as we can see, Ray has no interest at present to change or confront his trauma. For now, he is using Sand as a substitute (if I can put it this way? To run away from his problem and loneliness). But I have faith these 2 will hopefully come out relatively unscathed 🤞

Mew and Top

Sigh…these 2 are so sweet together with Top always so attentive towards Mew. And I do feel he genuinely likes Mew. And Mew likes Top (he said it himself to Ray, Top is the first person his heart beat faster for). But urghhhh, Top’s lies are piling up. Not only did he betray Mew with Boston (and yes he regret it, but he didn’t come clean about the incident, even after finding out MewRay had done nothing more than 1 kiss TWO years ago). He also lied about Beam and his drug habits until Mew pressed it out of him. And yeah, I wasn’t a fan of the whole Top saying he wants a reward if he gave up his drug habits, suggestively indicating to Mew what he truly wanted was the sexual relationship he desired and up until recently being denied. And even when Mew said “no penetration”, he sneakily then volunteer another tidbit about his ex, trying to persuade Mew not to worry about the past.

You know, Mew’s list of what he thinks make a good partner/BF - I don’t think Top filled any of it (he doesn’t get along will ALL of Mew’s friend - Ray being the prime example and Mew knows this, he can see the tension and snide comments whenever these 2 interacts, he doesn’t respect Mew and he had lied countless of times 😩😣).

But I guess, love is blind and Mew may think he can change Top’s behaviour? (Kudos to Force and Book though, their actings were also amazing to watch! Can’t believe a sweetie like Force acting so arrogantly on screen that it made me want to throw my remote to the TV👌)

Top and Boston

Which then comes to Top and his strenuous relationship with Boston. If anything, I’m at least glad Top expressed his regret about his lapse of judgment - having that ill-advised encounter with Boston. And I’m so glad he finally confronted Boston in the lift, putting a stop on Boston frankly disgusting behaviour (isn’t it twice now he sexually harassed Top? Once in the shower cubicle when he said No as well). No means No and Boston doesn’t seem to have learn his lesson (which frankly worries me about his other sexual conquests, are they all consensus??? And now we learn his father is into politics, so a scandal of any sorts by Boston will be a disaster; plus him taking pictures/videos without consent, like what he did with RayMew and using it to spin a web of lies on Top - yeah this guy is a massive red flag 🚩)

Boston and Nick

Another big sigh from me. Nick is now realising how much of an asshole Boston can be, but I guess Boston has never really hid his intention. He has bluntly told Nick that he is not looking for a relationship - at most, FWB and I don’t think he promise exclusivity as well. Boston is promiscous and proud of it - his friends know it, and even Sand as an outsider has heard of his reputation.

But what I’m truly devastated for Nick is that how manipulative Boston can be. He knows how to twist words and sweet talk to placate Nick (not that Nick is trying hard to go against him because he loves Boston even if everyone of us here can agree he deserves better 😣). Boston gives false sense of hope to Nick, in order to basically have someone at his back to fulfill his sexual needs. Does that mean Boston stop his other “relationship?” I don’t think so, in fact, I won’t be surprised if he had other sexual partners (other than Nick) going on at the same time.

We can also agree Nick is not truly innocent in all of this mess - his obsessive love for Boston is spiraling out of control and bringing the worst in him. Him bugging Boston’s car? (A big 🙅🏾‍♀️), and then snooping on Boston’s phone (also not good behaviour). Plus, him listening to the sound of TopBoston going at it in his room (yeah..that’s a worrying sign 😫)…

(Again kudos to Neo and Mark, they played their roles 🫡🫡🫡 that I’m cursing everytime Boston opened his mouth and shaking my head whenever these 2 are on screen 😅)

Nick and Top

Which brings to the scene of Nick confronting Top, asking Top to stop meeting Boston. And when Top clarified and say, it has always been Boston who did the chasing despite Top being uninterested, well…you can see Nick face fell.

And Top giving some advice on how Nick should be careful with Boston as he is truly a piece of work (well, it’s warranted but it’s like the pot calling kettle black, yeah?)

However, I think it’s truly sad (and quite ominous) when Nick calmly say he knows how nasty Boston can be, because he is nasty too (is that a foreshadow that Nick will seek revenge and destroy Boston’s future? esp now we know Boston dislikes getting his pictures taken with Nick for the fear of the scandal ruining his dad’s political aspiration??)

Top and Sand

It’s alluded in previous episodes that these 2 had a connection. And now we know, Top seduced (Is that the right word for it?) Sand’s ex. Sand is obviously still bitter about it but I’m thinking if your ex dump you for someone like Top, Sand is better off without him (just saying 💁‍♀️). But I am curious if the ex will come crawling back to Sand and cause havoc in SandRay newly blossoming relationship??? Or even to TopMew? - Esp with Top finally informing Mew about Boeing (seriously what’s with Thai’s nickname??? I snorted when Top said this out loud), an ex who gave him the plane model, which Top reassure Mew is no longer of consequence (if he is not that important, why did Top keep the plane? I might be wrong but I do think Boeing is the ex of both Sand and Ray??)

Sand and Nick

Ahhhhh, finally with all the headaches and mess from the rest of the characters, I’m glad to see some friendly, brotherhood like relationship between at least 2 of the characters 🥹🥹🥹🥹

I love their easy banter and the way they tease each other about their crushes (although said crushes are essentially disastrous in different ways). In a way, both Sand and Nick are also lonely individuals (or at the very least, we don’t see much outside of Sand/Nick working in their respective jobs and uni (presumably). So, having a genuine friendship that is not complicated - 🙌 I am super glad for them!!!

(Also, I’m still petitioning for Sand at some stage to go all protective bear on Nick and use the baseball bat that we saw in the pilot trailer to destroy Boston +/- Top’s car(s)?)

03/09/2023

(This episode was I think a pivotal one, where we are starting to see everyone’s motivation and character development - be it good or bad…as usual, I can’t wait for the next episode…is it Saturday yet?)

[sage-nebula]

I'm FINALLY all caught up on Horizons! I've been using this website called Blissey's Husband (lol) to watch them, and I have to say I ended up a bit disappointed today when I was met with anti-adblock measures AND episode 49's subs not using the English translations for the cities / pokémon names / moves when every episode prior had subs that did (and the inconsistency there bothers me SO much) . . . but I got around the anti-adblock and I could deal with the subs suddenly dropping their use of the English names for this one episode, so it was whatever. (Though if they're not going to bother with that, then I'll probably just download the new episodes from Some Stuffs from now on, like . . . the only reason I was using Blissey Husband, aside from convenience of streaming, was that it was nice to have the attack names and pokémon names translated. There's no reason to use that site otherwise.)

BUT ANYWAY. Now that I'm finally all caught up through episode 49, here are my general thoughts:

As I mentioned in a previous post, I think the Horizons anime is absolutely fantastic, particularly if we're judging it by the metric of "a Pokémon anime" -- because if we're being honest, there are sliding scales of anime that differ not only by genre, but also by demographic and intention, and so a Pokémon anime is not necessarily intended to hit the same storytelling quality as, say, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. But with that being said, particularly when you compare it to the previous Pokéani that ran for over two decades, Horizons is just so, so, so good. It has an ongoing narrative, the characters are excellent, the story is compelling, the animation and battles are fresh and exciting, the music is great, so on and so forth. I'm having such a fun time with the Horizons anime. Anyone who refuses to watch it just because Ash and/or the TRio aren't in it are missing out. It truly is their loss.

Speaking of, Captain Pikachu > Ash's Pikachu. Not necessarily in terms of battle capability (although honestly . . .), but in terms of characterization and personality. At least so far, Cap is chock full of personality and is clearly not there just to be The Mascot or Friede's partner (or, worse, a babysitter to other pokémon), but rather a whole, full-fledged character in his own right. And to be honest, sometimes he's kind of a dick! He's cocky! He's arrogant! He argues with Friede when he thinks he's right! He yells at the kids in the beach episode and continues frowning at them even after! (No clue what he was yelling at them about either lmao.) Cap's not a complete hardass, but there is a shade of that there! And I mean, he taught himself to fly using Volt Tackle, so he holds himself to those same exact standards. Again, this is an example of how this series does such an excellent job with its characters. They had to have a Pikachu, but they didn't half-ass the Pikachu character. Cap is a fantastic part of the crew.

That said, sadly there are some neglected members of the cast. The Six Heroes are pretty much immediately forgotten after their captures, which I find to be extremely disappointing and, at times, distracting. Don't they need to eat? To be cared for? Or do the ancient pokéballs take care of that? It's never explained, and it's odd for Liko -- who is so compassionate and cares for others at the expense of herself even -- to just completely ignore them after they agree to search for Rakua with her. (Or is it Lakua? Or Laqua? Do we have official romanization?)

But okay, maybe we can't fit giant pokémon into the regular episodes. Then what about Wattrel? It honestly feels like Roy neglects that poor bird after the first three or so episodes after its capture. Unlike Liko and Dot, whose secondary captures walk around with them constantly, Wattrel is constantly in his ball and basically never comes out -- and when he does come out to be used in battle, he is out for maybe two seconds before he gets knocked out and has to be recalled (or is only there to help Dot with an art project, because Roy didn't want to use both of his pokémon for help with the sculpture that required pokémon help? hello???). Of course, Wattrel is probably weak, because Roy never trains it. Because the writers forget about it 99% of the time. Again, it wouldn't be as noticeable if Hatenna wasn't in Liko's hood 99% of the time and Tinkatink wasn't constantly clambering around Dot's feet, but since they are, it is. Why is Wattrel always in the ball? Why does Roy forget Wattrel exists until Dot asks if she can borrow him? It looks like we're going to get a Wattrel episode in a couple weeks (I think it's episode 52?) and it won't surprise me if it's a release episode because the writers just can't be fussed to remember Wattrel exists otherwise.

Changing tracks -- for the most part I think that the balance has been good with acknowledging the fact that Liko, Roy, and Dot are a.) kids and b.) newbie trainers, and thus need the adults to help them out of dangerous situations, without making it seem as if the kids are helpless and can't do anything. This is particularly well-handled in the fact that the kids have been consistently learning and training, and are now in a Terastal course where they're on a little independent journey to grow even stronger. It's a delicate line to walk between coddling your child characters, and making the adults in your cast look useless. Historically, Pokémon has been a very "adults are useless" series, but with so many prominent adult characters, Horizons can't really do that. So I'm glad that, for the most part, they've managed to avoid going in the opposite direction. The only time I felt they failed was in the episode when Roy's ancient pokéball got stolen, and Cap had to "save" them from the thief. I felt that the kids should have been allowed to win that battle on their own. But otherwise, I feel this series handles this aspect pretty well, and I'm glad that we've been shown an ongoing growth arc for the kids.

Though having said all that, I am scratching my head a bit at the beginning of this most recent arc acting like Liko is the weakest battler of the three: putting her against Katy when the Basics tests were decided on aptitude, having Liko say that "even [she]" could pass her test, et cetera. Not only is Liko thus far the only one of them with an evolved starter pokémon, but Liko has won numerous battles throughout the series so far (I think more than Roy and definitely more than Dot since Dot rarely battles and pretty much all of her knowledge is theoretical) and she's been shown to be a clever strategist. Like that's been the major point of difference between Liko and Roy: Liko is a strategist who can deduce how to use her surroundings to her advantage and knows how to direct her pokémon with precision, whereas Roy goes in guns blazing. It was only by following her example (and by Liko throwing) that Roy managed to beat her in the test set to them by Kabu. So it makes little sense that Liko is implied to have the weakest battling aptitude (and thus is put against the weakest Gym Leader), that she is the one to lose her Basics test battle even if she passed the test, and so on. We're being told now that Liko is weak at battling (something Liko also said when talking to Rika at Naranja Academy), but we've been shown the opposite. If anyone should be considered the weakest battler of the main trio, it should be Dot. (Since, again, most of her knowledge is theoretical; she's actually battled very little.)

As a final thing, I really love the mystery elements of the story. The Explorers are a fascinating antagonist organization and I love every little glimpse that we get of them. The individual Explorer members are excellent as well, with each one having a fantastic design and stand-out characterization. I'm currently operating under the opinion that Lucius and Gibeon were divorced, and Lucius was the one who got Rakua and custody of Terapagos in the settlement.

I've also seen the theory that Amethio is either a descendant or a clone (or a cloned descendant?) of Gibeon. While I don't think that Amethio is Gibeon's son (I think Gibeon is too old for that), I could see either grandson or, I think strangely more likely, clone. Because the way that Terapagos reacted so strongly to Amethio made it seem like he'd seen Amethio before, when there's no way he could have. I thought maybe he was reacting to Explorer insignia, but Amethio wasn't wearing the crest. But if Amethio is a dead ringer for Gibeon (as in, a clone), and Terapagos thought Amethio WAS Gibeon, and Gibeon and Lucius had a messy divorce and Lucius got custody of Terapagos IN the divorce . . . oh yeah. It's all coming together. But of course I don't think Gibeon or Hamber would go around parading the fact that Gibeon cloned himself, so they'd probably just call Amethio his grandson (similar to how Hunter was called Belos' nephew in The Owl House). So that would lead to the other Explorers seeing him as a "pampered prince," when really he's only kept around the way he is because he's Gibeon's clone.

I've also seen theories that Ann is evil, and while I'm not convinced of that, I do agree with the people who pointed out that she and Sango look so much alike. The little fang, the pigtails, the eye shape . . . I don't think that Ann is Sango in disguise (why would Sango need to infiltrate Naranja Academy / the Terastal Course as Sandwich-chan if she was already infiltrated as Ann?), but I could see them potentially being sisters or cousins or something. Similarly, someone else pointed out that Conia and Spinel have the same hair and eye color, so there's a possibility for relation there as well, and with family (found or otherwise) being such a HUGE theme in Horizons . . . oh yeah . . . it's all coming together . . .

ANYWAY. As I said, I am really loving the Horizons anime so far, and I'm glad that I'm caught up. It's really great and I can't wait for the new episode this weekend! For now though, I may go to AO3 to see what I can find over there 👀 I've got some fic ideas I'm toying with myself, but I'm curious what others have cooked up too. I'm sure there's some good ones already.

[heartslobbf]

i watched heartstopper s2 because i was an avid osemanverse enjoyer in my early teen years (back when alice oseman still had anons on rip) and owe some of my aspec self-discovery to their writing. i knew they had written an aroace storyline into this series and wanted to see it because whilst i knew as an aroallo lesbian i wouldn’t totally resonate and might be a bit cheesed off by aspects of it, i enjoy aromantic crumbs, and i enjoy discussing aspec Stuff even more. it was……. an interesting experience? has certainly given me a lot to think about. gushy rant below the cut :)

i will say, i think that the amatonormativity is still strong, and rigid in this show. it’s like, isaac is the exception to the rule and his true love is books, and he gets to yell at his friends for all being so damn couple-y and romance-obsessed but there’s no resolution to that. is that realistic? yeah, sure, allo friends can fucking suck, but heartstopper is the kind of show aiming to do certain things for queer kids where id expect a dialogue about this. you know, charlie & co coming to understand aspec identities and becoming more conscious of how amatonormativity affects them, interrogating it in such a way that these queer couples can also be liberated from its trappings. juicy shit like that. didnt happen tho. isaac gets a book about asexuality (no mention of aromanticism on its cover!!! the word is used by the artist who vaguely explains both terms to isaac, but there is a much greater focus on asexuality, so much so that this morning i saw pink fucking news celebrating isaac’s asexual storyline without a mention of his aromanticism) and that’s it.

a lot of that criticism is arguably coloured by my experience as an aroallo person, because i just want aromanticism to be engaged with as aromanticism. you know aroaces we are besties in arms solidarity and all that, and im so fucking happy you got some great asexual rep that frequently used the word asexual, as well as your flag and iconography. like fuck yeah!!!!!! let’s go!!!!!! however, aromanticism is not a subset of asexuality, is not an ‘extreme form’ of asexuality, does not necessarily have anything to do with asexuality. im sure the aspec folks know this, but allo fuckers dont and that means that this canonically aromantic character who was emotionally affecting to me is one that im gonna be barred from resonating with again and again.

you know, moments of isaac’s story were so profound and moving for me. i cried at the kiss scene in episode 5, it was probably the single most relatable moment of tv (related to my experiences with sexuality) that ive ever seen. its certainly not my favourite tv moment of all time lol, relatability ≠ quality, but when youre part of a marginalised group and experience a lot of loneliness and alienation surrounding your identity it is great to see it reflected. i honestly loved that shit!!!!! ive been there!!!! that’s me!!!!!! the wanting and the not wanting!!! the jealousy and confusion and alienation, the longing to be able to feel what you can’t just so you don’t have to be so lonely, the knowledge that you’re just not that person…… oh it was great. it was fucking great. so you can maybe appreciate how upsetting it is for other people to neglect the aromantic facets of this canonically aromantic character, when we dont get shit.

having said that, asexuals also dont get shit; my issue is absolutely not with isaac being aroace, but rather with how mainstream understanding of aspec identities is still so piss poor that people neglect the aromantic aspect of that identity. i found isaac to be a relatable character and i enjoyed and appreciated that about him; i wish more people would talk about him being both asexual and aromantic, because aromanticism does not get talked about enough as anything other than an ‘extension’ of asexuality, an idea which only diminishes the complexity and vastness of both (fucking awesome and beautiful) identities. love and light and solidarity forever with all other aspec folk <3

[can-ya-guess-my-curent-obsession]

Y- Year: /Do they remember anniversarys or important things like that/

WRITERS NOTES: Requests are open so feel free to put in a request- This is a bit short cuz my head is being weird.

Edited: nooooot yet

All art on this post is mine

This is apart of my Crack alphabet

TW: Curssing, drinking, alcoholism, gaslighting, implied trama, Murdoc's hc get's weirdly angsty, I think it's toxic, mean voices in head, smoking, neglect, uhhh I think thats it if not tell me and I'll add it

(Update: Murdocs shity behavior is not ok, its's abuse, I am nto tryingto indorse it!)

Characters:

/Gorillaz/

Russel

- y e s

-It's not like Russel's over the top, its just he has it marked on a calendar, which he did that from the beginning unlike the others

-There's usually a lot on his mind so he will forget- but like I said Russel uses a calendar as a reminder

-And the day of the anniversary/special occasion so the day of he will remember

-And he usually clears out his schedule and tell the others before hand, so the others won't bother him and his S/O nor will his work get in the way

-But if Russel forgets something every once in a while cut this poor boi some slack he has a lot on his plate

-And due to his work or just him not haveing the energy to go out- anniversarys are often more chill, less fancy

-But they are more sentimental as Rus is just that kind of person, he values memories and all that sappy crap despite him not showing it often

-All of this applies to all phases but phase 7 Russel, because he becomes to atched to that TV and the idea of the promise land that he neglects his relationship with his S/O a loooot.... he doesn't even mean to do it on purpose half the time

Noodle

- s o m e t i m e s ?

-It's complicated ok...

-Noodle has an impeccable memory, but if she gets distracted by somthing- it's easy for things to slip her mind

-Noodle is the kind of person to have a anniversary for everything

-And she tries to remember them and did the first couple of times

-But over time she just forgets

-Also older Noodle(phase 7) doesn't try to remember the other anniversaries anymore, just the main one, lifes just too all over the place for that

-But when she was a young adult she was all over that shit

-But much like Russel, work and the others in the band can get in the way

-So she does tend to start preparations/plans for it but gets wraped up in something else

-And from there its a 25% - 75% chance of remembering, and the percentage in which she remembers and forgets switchs almost every time

-If/When she forgets, and when she eventually remembers the anniversary she gets very disappointed in herself

-But you two still enjoy a lovely together- because Noodle is a queen who knows how to organize the best dates

-But if its not a anniversary or something relevant to her- she will most likely forget them-

Murdoc

- n o . . . k i n d a

-In earlier phases Murdoc just drank way to much to remember and really didn't care for sentimental things he just wasn't raised like that

-And if you don't say anything, he'll just go about his day like any other till Noodle says "Hey- Murdoc I'm surprised to see you still in the house... considering its yours and S/O's anniversary"... he spat out his his drink so fast he almost choked as he yells "FUCK" poor 2D was started so bad

-He ran to his S/O so fast

-If his S/O is fine with him forgetting or his S/O forgot too- he'll sigh in relief- and you two decide to just chill in Murdoc's love shack on wheels Winnebago and chill cuddle with each other and watch movies

-Buuuuut if his S/O is genuinely not happy Murdoc will get pissy for a while then start drinking- because he can't stand when his S/O is genuinely upset with him- then he druckenly begs for forgiveness

-And he may even try and gaslight his S/O saying it's all their fault- and he's innocent because his S/O didn't tell him or remind him(even if they did remind him a coupleof days prior) , so it's all on them- but if that hurts his S/O, he just kind walks away hoping it will all go away

-And if you sit him down and tell Murdoc that he upset you but still love him it's really awkward... then the night can go on relatively well

-But if not ah... it will either lead to a fight or you two pretend it didn't happen

-In later phases and earlier in the relationship he'll forget because he's not as invested in that kind of stuff

-But the longer he's with his S/O the more he is likely to remember AKA he gets a alarm or something to remind him

-He can do something fancy- but he's not gonna have any manners so its best if you stick to something simple

-Murdoc always remembered his and his S/O's anniversary when he was on plastic beach, and would even talk/mention it on pirate radio

2D

- y e s - i s h

-Listen- as much as I love 2D... he couldn't find his way out of a paper bag

-But he is also very determined

-Determind to remember his and his S/O's anniversary

-This counts in any phase

-He really wants to remember soooo bad

-He has reminders every where- and I mean EVERY WHERE

-But in the end he still forgot

-And 2D gets really depressed when he does, especially if he's been in a relationship with his S/O for a while

-Even if his S/O says its ok and comforts him, in the back of his head, a little voice is lampooning him

-The day before the anniversary he gets really giddy, like he can't stop smiling, I mean he even smokes a bit less

-Though before the couple of days before the anniversary he smokes more because he's anxious he's gonna forget

-And the day of and a few day's after the anniversary he smokes more due to his feeling like shit for forgetting

-He's also upset because he had a whole day pland and now his plans ruined because he only remembered/got reminded of the anniversary half way through the day

-With any other special event 2D will try to remember it- emphasis on the try

-He's not as determined as he is with anniversaries but he tries his best

========================

Tree- I spent 30 minutes trying to confirm that Russel was looking for that promise land and not some other shit- and i ended up goinng down a fucking rabbit hole and got completely distracted, and in the end all I had to do is watch that fucking murdoc talks about some crap and recaps lore and shit which took me like 2 minutes- Fucking ADHD how you pain my writing flow

[kousaka-ayumu]

A Snake and Baker's Prey(NSFW)

Warnings: Threesome - M/M/MThreseome, anal fingering, Anal Sex, Vaginal Sex, Caught, Semi-Public Sex,Trans Male Character

"Ah-! Gh… Mph…"

Ace moaned as Jamil thrust his cock unto his body harshly causing the ginger haired boy to scream in pleasure at the sight of himself getting fucked by Jamil. "Aw, is the little slut taking my cock seriously?~" He said seductively as he continued thrust into the gingerhead boy who was a moaning mess and couldn't responded to the dark haired boy.

The ginger haired boy thought that Jamil was tutoring him for the next exam, so that he don't wanted to make a contract with Azul, boy he was wrong.

Oh boy did Ace wish that Jamil would fucked his pussy as well. Ace looked down at his poor neglected pussy, all drooling and red, his clit throbbing between his puffy labia. Empty and untouched(Dialogue by Bunrakuza).

Jamil noticed it and smirk darkly "You wanted me to fucked your pussy as well my rose?~" He ask and the ginger haired boy nodded.

"Besides nobody was out this late, so you don't have to keep quiet about it." He said, Ace look at the and it was ceiling windows just to see it was already dark outside, full moon, they started fucking after school when the sun was still out, have they been wasting all their precious study time- “Ah!!” Ace almost yelled when Jamil jabbed his good spot again. They should've fuck each other they were in a room nobody would hear it and see it but they decided to do this.(Also Dialogue by Bunrakuza)

"Just be a little more louder my Rose."

Ace knew that the dormhead will be angry on why he is late and sent out Trey but he didn't care cause he wanted Jamil's cock so badly.

"I-I love you Jamil, I love you." He said softly but loudly "Good boy." Jamil went for another sloppy kiss as his hand moved down unto his clit a single finger brushing over his little knob, Ace's pussy throbbed against Jamil’s finger from how neglected and wet it was, the ginger haired boy needed somebody to fingering him.

"Am I intterupring something? Ace?" The ginger haired boy choked and saw Trey there standing right in front of them, Jamil's cock still buried in Ace's butt, the ginger haired boy froze they we're caught by Trey of all people, it was over for them. What if Trey was going to tell the headmaster? Would they get kicked out of the school?

"T-trey-senpai?!" Ace exclaimed shockingly at the green haired 3rd year sudden appearance"L-look I can explain-" but before he could say anything the dark skinned boy slammed his cock into the ginger haired boy's butt again, causing Ace to moaned loudly in pleasure.

"What do you want Clover?" Jamil said as he continued thrusting unto Ace who's still a moaning mess as Trey look at the ginger haired boy who look at him back, the green haired boy's hazel eyes staring at him judgementally, the tension made his poor pussy throb violently.

Jamil grinned at Trey's interest in his boyfriend "Want a finger?"

Ace jolted up at Jamil's comment "Jamil? What are you-"

"Alright." A finger reached out, tracing over the ginger haired boy's wet cunt, avoiding the swollen clit, a smile appears on Trey's face and two of his fingers dipped into him, he felt his pussy clench tightly around him immediately.

“G-gah…yes…T-Trey...feels good….” He whimpered, small tears forming in his eyes from all the overstimulation. “More…give me more- Your fingers! Please! I need it!”

The Clover looked dumbfounded at the naughty words coming out of the seemingly innocent first year's mouth, pulling his fingers back.

Jamil snickered at his expression, “Great, isn’t it? I trained him to say that, like the good little cumslut he is. Isn’t that right baby? How about you show him your cute little pussy?” He moved his arms, freeing Ace’s legs who were sore from being pulled up all this time. Holding onto his little waist now.

The ginger haired boy was free to move his arms and legs now, he was finally free to touch his neglected cunt… Although he couldn’t, he knew he couldn’t. There would be punishment if he did… “Y-Yes…Jamil…” He curled his fingers into his folds to hold them open, putting his pussy on display. The cold air hitting his fat cunt made him sob in desperation. “Trey-senpai…please… fuck me…”

He stared as the green haired 3rd year dipped 2 of his fingers back to Ace but even deeper than before as Jamil started thrusting unto him again causing Ace to become a moaning mess "Ngh~ ahh!~ J-jamil-senpai!~" Ace said as Trey dipped his finger unto Ace making moaned louder but Trey covered his mouth "Shh, we don't want anyone to hear about it." He said as both his fingers and Jamil's cock reach Ace's G spot that caused the ginger haired boy to scream in pleasure as his mouth is covered by Trey's hand.

“I’m going to come,” He sobbed, spreading his legs even wider. “I’m going to- oh, oh-“

"Just cum for us my rose."

“N-no that’s not- ah!” Ace gasped as he felt Jamil's knot push into him at once, filling him up with delicious seed.

As Ace has cummed, Trey took out his fingers, both of them kissed him. Jamil kissed the back of the ginger haired boy's neck in a snake-lile manner while Trey's was more gentle.

The ginger haired boy felt sleepy for the moment and both of them have noticed it.

"I'll take him back to the dorm."

"Sure."

Bonus:

"Trey you're back with Ace- what in the great seven happen to him?!" Riddle said as he saw Ace sleeping, carried in bridal style by Trey"He was busy being tutored by Jamil." He said.

[aquietwritingcorner]

I've Got a Head Full of Chemicals; Mouth Full of Ridicule

Title: I’ve Got a Head Full of Chemicals; Mouth Full of Ridicule Day: Whumptober 2023, Day 24 Prompt: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule” Goodbye Note/Neglect/ “I thought they were with you”  Fandom: TMNT 2012 Word Count: 7053  Author: aquietwritingcorner/realitybreakgirl Rating: T  Characters: Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael, Michelangelo, Splinter Warning: suicide (But not really. Just some assumptions made), drugging (accidental) Summary:  Donnie is more than excited to examine a new chemical that they stole from the Kraang. But when his ventilation system fails without him noticing, the chemicals mess with his mind. Now missing and having left behind worrying and concerning notes, his family races to find Donnie—and to cope with some realizations about their resident genius   Notes: Wow I hope this doesn’t come off as too much of a “poor 12 Donnie” fic and more of a reasonable route. This one got away from me boys, I’ll admit that much! AO3 || ff.net

__________________________________

I’ve Got a Head Full of Chemicals; Mouth Full of Ridicule

“Where is he!”

“I don’t know!”

“How did he leave!”

“I don’t know!”

“Why didn’t anyone see him leave!”

“I thought he was with you!”

Mikey watched from the couch as his older brothers yelled at each other as they tore apart the lair, looking for Donatello. He’d been super excited about some new chemical or something that they’d found on a raid of a Kraang warehouse and had practically locked himself into his lab, giddy. That hadn’t been anything too unusual, but after three days of not seeing his brother, Mikey had gone to check on him.

He hadn’t expected to find a lab full of fumes, scattered scribblings on the walls, and papers and books scattered everywhere. The fumes had been enough to send him reeling, and Leo and Raph had pulled him out of there, depositing them on the couch before the dove back in to find Donnie. Mikey had dizzily watched, his father by his side as they stood ready to help.

Raph and Leo had emerged without Donnie, although they had turned on the fans that Donnie kept in there. It had become obvious, though, that the fans were part of the problem. Instead of sending the fumes out, it was like they just stirred them around. Mike had watched as the rest of his family had quickly closed the lab door, before getting some other fans and using them to clear out the fumes. Then they had started looking for Donnie.

That had been an hour ago, and the fumes were pretty much gone at this point. A little bit lingered, but Mikey, no longer dizzy, figured it was safe enough to go in. After all, no one was having luck finding him in the lair or the sewers. April and Casey were looking for him topside, and Karai was keeping an eye out, but so far there had been no sign of him. Mikey figured that there might be some clues in the lab itself.

“I’m going to check the lab,” Mikey said, sitting up and, interrupting his brothers.

“Are you sure you feel good enough for that?” Leo asked.

“Don’s not in there,” Raph said flatly. “We’ve already looked.”

Mikey looked at his brothers, more than a little irritated at them. “I know Donnie’s not in there,” he said, “but maybe there are some clues in all of the writing and stuff. And my head feels fine.”

Well, maybe his head didn’t feel fine, but it felt good enough, and Mikey had a feeling that there was something important in those notes.

“Just come right out if you start feeling bad,” Leo said.

“Yeah, yeah,” Mikey said, heading for the lab doors.

The faint smell of the chemical that had filled the lab lingered in the air, but it wasn’t enough to bother Mikey as he stepped further into the lab. It was more of a mess than he thought it had been, with papers everywhere and what looked like marker or grease pencil or something on the walls, the floors, the tables.

Mikey stared at the sloppy and hastily written words on the walls, decorating them along with equations of formulas Mikey couldn’t make sense of: faster, more, again, over, I can’t, work harder, no time, it doesn’t exists, keep pushing, make it happen, fool, idiot, not good enough, ugly, mutant. The words stretched over things, and Mikey’s brow furrowed. He didn’t like the way those words were here. Something about them struck Mikey as wrong, deeply wrong, and they made him uneasy.

The papers, notebooks, and books scattered everywhere made him uneasy, too. Some of the papers Mikey recognized as schematics and theories of Donnie’s although there were scribbles on some of them that didn’t look like his usual notes. Other papers he didn’t recognize at a glance, but he knew that it was Donnie’s handwriting. The books Mikey had seen on Donnie’s shelves before and had even flipped through a few. Some of the notebooks looked familiar, but there were some brown bound ones that Mikey couldn’t recall having seen before. It looked like Donnie had torn pages out of them, and Mikey wondered why.

He bent down, starting to pick up the papers and notebooks, stacking the books neatly. He scanned the writing as he tried to sort the other items for Donnie and look for clues. After a few papers and at part of one journal, though, Mikey ditched that idea, frantically searching through the papers for certain ones. He scanned them, reading them rapidly, and feeling his panic increase as he did. Finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He gathered as many of them to himself as he could and yelled for his family.

“Sensei!” he cried out. “Raph! Leo!”

He heard their footsteps approaching, practically running as they came to the lab.

“Mikey?”

“Michelangelo?”

“Mike?”

Mikey whirled on them, his arms full of papers and journals, and his face full of distress. “Read them!” he said, thrusting it all towards his family.

“Mikey, what—” Raph started.

“Read! Them!” Mikey insisted. “Read them now!”

Raph and Leo exchanged a look, but Splinter reached out for one of the papers, silently reading it. Distress bloomed on his face, and at that, Raph and Leo exchanged a look. They reached out and grabbed some of the papers from Mikey’s arms as well, reading them over. Almost immediately emotion bloomed on their faces too. Shock, confusion, distress, anger, it was all there. Mikey all but shoved the journal into Leo’s hands, and dropped to the floor, continuing his look through the papers.

“This… this can’t be right,” Raph said, looking up from his bundle of papers. “He—he can’t really think that—”

“Whether he really thinks it or not, he’s thinking it now,” Leo said, staring at the paper in his hand.

“We must find him,” Splinter said firmly. “If not then I fear what these thoughts might lead him too.”

Mikey suddenly made a noise that they’d never heard him make before, and their attention switched to him. Panicked and tearing up, Mikey shoved a piece of paper into Splinter’s hands, before turning to cling to his brothers. They held him, confused as they watched Splinter read the paper.

Splinter sucked in a breath, and paled.

“Sensei?” Leo asked.

“What does it say?” Raph demanded.

“It says—” Splinter’s voice trembled. “It says ‘Maybe someone will find this. Maybe not. Does it matter? I don’t know why I exist. I shouldn’t exist. I don’t know why I’m here. I can’t do what’s needed. I can’t save anyone. I can’t help anyone. I can’t fix things. Anything I do, someone else could have done. Maybe I shouldn’t be here. I have instructions for everything ready. You will be able to go on without me, if I’m not here. I shouldn’t be here. I hope you loved me as much as I love you. Goodbye. I need to move on.’ And… and that is where it ends.”

Leo and Raph stared at Splinter in horror as Mike sobbed on them.

“Is… is he…” Raph said.

“We must find Donatello,” Splinter said, clutching the piece of paper in his hand. “Now!”

Mikey sniffed and pulled himself back together. “I’ll—I’ll call April and Casey,” he said, pulling out his t-phone.

“I’ll call the Mutanimals. Maybe Rockwell can find him,” Raph said.

“I’ll call Karai and Shinigami,” Leo said. “We have to find him. Before it’s too late.”

Donnie stumbled through sewers. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but he knew that he needed to leave. He winced as his head pulsed again, and he shook it. When had he eaten last? When had he had anything to drink?

…When had anyone bothered to check on him?

Maybe it wasn’t important for them to remind him to eat and drink. After all, if he was already not a good enough ninja when he did remember to eat and drink, then why waste food on him? Food was hard to get anyway, right? And… and didn’t animals sometimes push out the weak ones? Yeah, they did. He was just taking himself out of the equation before they could. Yeah, that made sense.

But where was he going to go? Donnie wasn’t sure, but this way seemed right.

He stumbled on, his head still hurting, and scratching at his itching, itching skin.

Raph had gone to the Mutanimals with a sample of the chemical Donnie had been working with. Rockwell had taken it and started analyzing it immediately. Now, a day later, he had contacted them, wanting to come to their home to get samples from all of them and explain what he had learned.

“It is a power chemical, one with psychotropic effects,” Rockwell explained. “I don’t think that is the main purpose of it, but it is one of the side effects that can happen if someone is exposed to it for too long or in intense doses.”

“What happens when that happens?” Leo asked.

“That’s what I’m trying to determine. However, I think that it will affect different species differently. The intensity and type of effects would be different in a human than, say, in a mutant turtle. If this has affected Donatello’s mind, then I would like to work on an antidote. To do that, I’ll need blood samples from all of you.” Rockwell opened a sample case and pulled out a syringe.

“Wait—why can’t you just get a sample from Sp—Slash?” Raph asked. “He’s a turtle too!”

“Yes, but he mutated from mutant turtle DNA. You and your brothers, however, mutated from human DNA. While Slash will have some of that, I would prefer to have something far more similar.” He held up the syringe again. “Now, who’s first?”

The three brothers looked at Splinter, and Splinter nodded. Leo stepped forward first, offering Rockwell his arm.

“You said that this chemical might affect different species differently,” Splinter said to Rockwell. “Do you know what those effects might be?”

“Not precisely,” Rockwell said. “I have theories, but without something to test them on, I can only make guesses as to the state of mind it might have put Donatello into.” He glanced at them. “There’s something you’re not telling me,” he said.

“Bro. Can’t you just, like, read our minds and find out?” Mikey asked as Rockwell drew blood from him.

“Yes,” Rockwell said, “but out of respect for your Sensei, I refrain from that around him.” Rockwell moved on to Raph. “Now what aren’t you telling me?”

None of the brothers said anything but looked to Splinter instead. Splinter took a breath. “We know how this is affecting him. Negatively. Come.”

Splinter led the way to the lab, Rockwell following as soon as he finished drawing Raph’s blood. Splinter opened the lab, and Rockwell moved inside.

“Oh,” he said, looking at the scribblings on the wall. “Negatively. Yes, I see.”

“And… this,” Splinter said, handing Rockwell the note that they had laid on the table.

Rockwell grew grim. “We will do all we can to find him, and find him soon,” he said. “I promise you.”

What a lousy, useless person he was. He couldn’t even figure out where to go. He hadn’t even packed himself any supplies. He’d managed to get a blanket, as he walked through an abandoned building, before he was chased out. He wore that around himself now as he stumbled along. It was harder to think than before, but maybe that was just because he was thirsty. It had rained, though, so he could find water. Maybe if he found water it would help.

Maybe he could be useful that way, even if it was just to himself.

Donnie stumbled, falling to his hands and knees, and his head spun. Where was he? Oh, right. There were buildings. And the sky. It looked gray. It was probably going to rain again. Rain meant water, though. That was important.

There was a puddle of water in front of him, sitting on the ground. Donnie pulled himself towards it and lowered his face down. He drank. This was good right? He was doing something right. If he could do this, maybe he could be good enough one day. He just had to… to… figure something out. Yes. He had to figure out how to be good enough, and then he could go back.

…Maybe this time, he would be good enough forever.

Mikey stared at the papers. Most of them had been torn from those journals they had found. A lot of the pages in those journals were unreadable now, but Mikey couldn’t help but wonder why Donnie had pulled these pages out, and just destroyed the others.

These pages had parts of them that were blacked out, and parts that weren’t. Something about them, though, looked deliberate, but Mikey couldn’t figure out what. Two days since Donnie went missing, no one had been able to find him. Not even April or Rockwell. What that meant worried Mikey, but it also made him want to try harder to find any clues to where Donnie might have gone.

Mikey rotated the papers around in his hands, and blinked in surprise when he realized that if he slid them just right, the parts that were left unmarked seemed to match up. Curious, Mikey went through the papers, seeing if any other parts matched up. He quickly started laying out the papers, spreading them out on the floor of the lab.

Raph walked by, and then backtracked, looking in. “Mikey? What are you doing? We’re about to look go look for Donnie again. You can’t keep playing with those papers, man. It’s not healthy.”

“There’s something here!” Mikey said. “Just give me a minute.”

“Mikey…” Raph started.

Mikey ignored him, instead setting the papers down, seeing the ways that the lines flowed together and connected. Leo soon joined Raph at the door to the lab, and Splinter came up behind them. Within about five minutes, Mikey had them all laid out and stared at them. So did his family.

Most of the sheets were blacked out, but what wasn’t stood out, bold and white. In big letters that stretched across all the sheets of paper, there was a single message.

WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?

Donnie’s head was pounding. His skin itched and he couldn’t stop scratching it. His eyes felt dry, and he seemed to have trouble catching his breath. Was he getting sick? Was that what was happening? No, no, he couldn’t get sick. If he got sick, then how could he prove that he was good enough?

Wait—what if he did something none of them could do? What if he took out their enemies? That would mean that he was enough, wouldn’t it? It would prove it! He just had to find their enemies. That wasn’t too hard, though. It didn’t take him long to find some Purple Dragons. It was even easier to follow them.

And then, it was just a matter of taking down their headquarters.

He had a plan. He absolutely had a plan. He clutched his blanket around him. He’d be able to take them down. He just needed to do something about their defenses first. But that was child’s play, even if his head was pounding and he felt like he couldn’t walk without falling over. Maybe that food from the garbage hadn’t been good after all.

He easily figured out how to cut the power to their building. And then he went in. They didn’t like him being there, but that was okay. They weren’t supposed to like it. But maybe this had been a bad idea, because suddenly there was fire, and then Donnie had to escape out the back way. There wasn’t much room between the back of the building at the drainage culvert, though.

But he could do it. He absolutely could do it. And then, when he did it, he’d be enough. He’d finally be enough.

Donnie’s head swam, his limbs felt like jello, and his skin itched. Suddenly, staying out of the culvert wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be, and he stumbled. But this time when he stumbled, he didn’t stop stumbling, not until a very hard stop at the bottom.

He guessed he wasn’t enough.

Three days later, Slash called Raph’s t-phone. They had found him in the culvert behind a burned down Purple Dragon warehouse. Their family had been nearby, Splinter included, and they all rushed to the area.

When Raph got his first glimpse of Donnie, though, he had been sure that he was looking at his brother’s corpse. Covered in trash and debris, and an old blanket, pale and not moving, it had scared the whole family.

“He’s alive,” Slash said. “But he ain’t doing so good.”

Splinter knelt next to Donnie, reaching out a hand to him. “But he is alive,” he said. “And that is more than I had feared.”

Raph felt like weeping in relief.

“We will take him home,” Splinter said. “And attend to his injuries there.”

“I’ll call Rockwell,” Slash said. “Send him that way. I… I hope that Donatello will be okay.”

“Thanks, Slash,” Raph managed to get out, as Splinter carefully examined Donnie, and then picked him up.

“Casey’s bringing the party wagon around,” Leo said. “We can use that to get him home.”

“We will meet him,” Splinter said, and the small family made their way out of the drainage culvert, and to the road.

Enough. Not enough. Enough. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough.

I failed. I’m not enough. I’ll never be enough.

But I won’t stop trying. Maybe one day I’ll be enough somewhere.

“He’s dehydrated, so we’re putting an IV in for hydration. The lacerations on his skin look as if he scratched himself that deeply. They’ve been, of course, cleaned and bandaged. I’ve also administered the antidote that I developed, thanks to the samples.”

Leo listened as Rockwell explained what he was doing and why he was doing it. He couldn’t help but stare at Donnie even as Rockwell talked. His brother was in such bad shape.

“He has cracked ribs, and more than likely a concussion. His shoulder is definitely bruised. Those are all likely from the fall into the culvert. Hopefully, with the right care and the antidote, he will recover quickly.”

Rockwell paused, and looked at the small family, April and Casey with them. “At least… physically.”

“And mentally?” Leo asked. “Emotionally?”

Rockwell shook his head. “That, I cannot comment on. You’ll just have to wait until he wakes up to see. However, given the… state… of his mind beforehand I would suggest a twenty-four-hour watch on him, as a precaution.

Leo’s breath caught in his throat. A twenty-four-hour watch on him? A round the clock watch on Donnie, just to make sure that he wasn’t left alone, so that he couldn’t act on any dark thoughts.

It twisted Leo up inside.

“Thank you, Dr. Rockwell,” Splinter said. “I assume that we can call on you if anything changes?”

“Yes, please do. I would like to stay informed.”

“I’ll take first watch,” Leo said. “I… I want to.”

Splinter nodded. “Very well, my son.” He put a hand on Leonardo’s shoulder, and then left the room with Rockwell, the others following behind after a moment.

Leo let out a sigh, and at down in the rolling chair next to Donnie’s cot. For a few moments, he just stared at Donnie, trying to understand just what had happened. He couldn’t.

Mike had gathered up all of the papers again and had left them sitting in a neat stack not too far from the cot. Maybe he shouldn’t have, but Leo reached over and snagged them. He wanted to see just what was on these papers that Don had pulled out of those journals. He rifled through them, looking for entries that he could read, even if he sometimes had to squint through whatever Donnie had blacked out parts with. He found several that were somewhat readable, but one struck him more than any of the others.

“I try so hard. So hard! I do everything that’s asked of me! I keep this home running! I repair things when they break! I build the vehicles and machines! I take care of the appliances! On top of that, I’m trying to understand extra-dimensional alien technology that I have no frame of reference for! I’m trying to understand the complicated bio-molecular make-up of the mutagen and the anatomical and physiological effects it has on people! I am trying to wrap my head around so much, forgoing sleep and forgetting meals and what am I told when I fail? Work harder! As if I’m not already working myself to the bone! Work harder! Maybe he’ll be happy when I work myself in to the grave! Maybe then it’ll be enough!”

Leo put the papers down, taking in a deep breath. Had his brother really thought about working himself to death? Leo looked over at Donnie, still unconscious, still showing no signs of waking.

“I’m sorry, Donnie. I’m sorry. I—I should have realized how hard you were working. I should never have said that.”

The guilt ate at him, as he stared at his brother, slowly sifting through the papers until Raph came to relieve him.

Raph glared at the papers as he kept vigil at Don’s bedside. Leo shouldn’t have been reading them. He shouldn’t have. But he was, and there was something in them that had affected the turtle in blue deeply. But Raph wasn’t going to give into that urge. He wasn’t going to read those papers like Leo had. He wasn’t—

Oh, who was he kidding? He absolutely was.

Just like Leo, he had to rely a lot on piecing things together, and he was just about to give up out of frustration, when he realized that there was an entry he could read clearly. Eager to finally find something coherent, Raph pulled it towards him.

“B-team. Weakest ninja. Stupid genius. I feel like the insults come all of the time. Not to mention the slaps, the hits the whacks. And that’s not counting all of the times he’s mocked me for liking April. But if we tease him or throw something back in his face, then it’s as if we’ve committed a cardinal sin! Maybe if I had hours to commit to weightlifting or training then I could be as good a ninja as he is. Maybe if he’d give my plans half a chance before deciding they’re stupid and take too long, they’d actually work. Maybe if he’d just listen to me for once, instead of cutting me off, he’d learn something! But I’m sure he’d like the silence that would come with my absence more.”

Raph practically dropped the stack of papers, staring at them horrified before he vaulted his way to Don’s bedside. “I won’t do any of that no more, alright?” he said, desperate. “I—I won’t ridicule you, or call you weak, or hit you, even in fun! I don’t want silence from you! I just want you! Please, Donnie! Please!”

Raph stayed there, like that, until Mikey came to take his turn.

Mikey had no compunctions about reading the papers. He had already glanced at and read so much that he knew he was just going to keep reading the rest. So, as soon as Raph was gone, and Mikey was settled in, he picked up the stack of papers and began to read through them.

“Sometimes I feel a little guilty, because I know that he’s just lonely and he wants to spend time with someone, and our older brothers are too wrapped up in themselves to bother to pay attention to him. But at the same time, all I want is for him to listen to me and leave my things alone! I don’t care if he wants to use my headphones or get on a spare laptop to play a game. But I work so, so hard on my experiments and my inventions, and then he just waltzes in here and messes them up. Hours, maybe even days or months of research and preparations gone within seconds! The ingredients, ruined, used up, gone. It isn’t like I can just go to the store and get more. Heck, even if I were human, I couldn’t do that with most of these. I bet when I’m gone, he’ll just run rampant in here and destroy everything.

Mikey teared up, and put the journal down, reaching over to hold Donnie’s hand. He hadn’t been expecting that. “I won’t touch anything without your permission ever again, bro! I don’t want your stuff! It was never about wanting your stuff! I just wanted to spend time with you! But I didn’t show you that very well, did I?”

Mikey spent the rest of his shift with Donnie talking about all of the things he wanted to do with his brother, and how he’d do the best he could to not mess up any of Donnie’s experiments. By the time April came to sit with Donnie, Mikey had just about talked himself hoarse.

April had insisted on taking a turn. They were family to her, all of them, and she wasn’t about to not be there for them. She had heard about the words on the wall, and about the papers, but she hadn’t expected to see them. Curiosity got the better of her, and she picked them up, looking for anything readable.

“I’ll never be good enough. I know that. How can I be? She’s a beautiful girl who will no doubt grow up to be a beautiful woman. I’m just a mutant that lives in the sewers. I can’t offer her anything. Even when she does give me little signs of encouragement back, deep down I know that nothing will ever happen. She’ll grow up, move off, and forget about me. And who can blame her? Even if she doesn’t love me, I had hoped to be able to keep her friendship, at least. But I don’t even think that’ll be possible. If she moves away from here, far away from mutants and aliens and danger, I wouldn’t blame her. She’ll be better off without me, even if she’ll always have my heart.”

April was openly crying as she put down the papers. “I never—I never meant to lead you on! I just didn’t know what to do or how to react. I—” a sob escaped her, and she clutched the journal to her. “You’ll never lose my friendship, Donnie! I’m sorry! I’m sorry for all those times I was mean to you or blamed you. It wasn’t fair of me! But I’ve learned! I promise, you’ll never lose my friendship, Donnie!”

She was still crying slow tears when Casey came to check in and sent her on to take a break. Casey knew that he and Donnie had their issues. But he honestly liked the turtle, even if they did have more of a rivalry than anything. That whole thing with the Demon Car had proven that they could get along if they wanted to. He just wasn’t sure how to do that here.

He was curious, though, as to the papers that April had been holding, and he picked them up, quickly realizing what they were. He knew he should put them down, but somehow, he just couldn’t.

“He acts like he’s soooo much better than me. All he’s got going for him is that he’s human! That’s it! That’s the only advantage he has over me! Even if it’s a really big one. The biggest one, in fact. Big enough that it eclipses pretty much everything else about me. I mean, even he could give her a better life than I could. So maybe he has a reason to act like he’s better than me—because he is. In every way that matters in this life, he’s better than me. I’m sure he’d like it if I just disappeared. Then he wouldn’t have to waste his time putting down a mutant like me, when really, he shouldn’t even have to waste his time doing it.”

“Donnie, no!” Casey dropped the papers on the ground, sitting upright from his slouch. “No, I don’t think I’m better than you, I just—” he ran a hand through his hair. “I’m jealous of you, man. You’re smart, you’re skilled, you figure things out so fast. I’m the one that shouldn’t stand a chance here, not you. I—look. Look, if you come back from this, I promise I’ll tone down the rivalry, okay? And—and maybe we can do some stuff together, like work on the Shellraiser or the Party Wagon. I know we don’t always get along, but you’re my friend, too, Donnie. I’ll let you know that better.”

At least, he’d try. Needing to keep his hands busy, Casey pulled out the sketchbook he had, and began doodling. By the time Splinter arrived, startling Casey, he had ideas for half a dozen different vehicles drawn up that he and Donnie could work on together.

Splinter had desperately wanted to be at his son’s side, but he had, instead, let the others go, and used that time to reach out to April’s father. He had informed the man of what had happened and had asked for his advice going forward. It was good advice, and Splinter could only hope that it did not come too late.

He saw the papers lying on the ground and reached out to pick them up. He knew that it would be an invasion of his son’s privacy if he read them, but at the same time, if there was something in it that would help him understand how his son was feeling, then Splinter wanted that.

“I can’t measure up. I can’t be good enough. Nothing I do is or ever will be good enough, I see that now. No matter what I invent, no matter how much I make our lives more comfortable, no matter how much I try to train, I’ll never be good enough to please him. I’ll always fall short of the mark. I’ll never be a good enough ninja. I’ll never spend enough time training. I’ll never live up to the Hamato name. My inventions and accomplishments are meaningless. He doesn’t care about them. He never does. He never will. All he cares about is how good of a ninja I am, and I never make that mark. And if I can’t do that? Then why should I even be here?

Splinter took a deep breath in, feeling like he had just spend five hours in non-stop training. “Oh, my son. Oh, my dear, dear son.” He sat the papers aside and knelt at Donnie’s bedside. “I cannot express my grief that I made you feel that way. You are enough. You have always been enough. Your wonderful inventions and accomplishments fill me with pride, as I know those are things that most people cannot even begin to conceive of. I should have told you more. I will tell you more. I promise.”

Donnie came to slowly. His head was pounding, and he felt awful. He felt like he had been sick, been poisoned, and pulled a week’s worth of all-nighters all at once. He groaned, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep until he felt better. But something wouldn’t let him. There were… voices? There was pain. Wait… what had happened to him?

His eyes felt scratchy and dry, but he pried his eyelids open anyway. It took him a bit to focus, but when he did, he could make out his brothers, his father, April, Casey, and Rockwell all gathered around him. He looked at them, confused.

“whhhh…”

He could barely get a whisper out, his throat felt so dry. Leo knelt next to his bedside, a mug in his hand with a straw in it. “Easy, Donnie,” he said, putting the straw in Donnie’s mouth. “Just take it easy. Don’t drink too fast or too much.”

“If that settles, I’ll get you some soup later,” Mikey promised. “Some chicken broth! None of my special touches!”

“How are you feeling, Donnie,” Raph asked, his voice unusually soft as he adjusted the blanket.

Donnie stared at his brothers, confused. He glanced at the others. April looked like she was about to cry, and Casey looked like he was one push away from some sort of emotion. Splinter looked down at him with more worry and compassion than Donnie had seen in a long time. What was going on?

“You were suffering from altered brain chemistry,” Rockwell said, and for once, Donnie was glad he could read his mind. “And it’s good to know you finally see the usefulness of me reading your mind.” No, never mind, Donnie took it back. “Regardless of how you feel about that, though, allow me to explain your situation,” Rockwell continued.

“You were working with some chemicals, when your ventilation system failed. Because of that, the chemicals you breathed in got into your bloodstream. They altered your brain chemistry enough that it muddled your thinking and brought out negative emotions. You, apparently, vandalized your own lab and ran off, with no one seeing you. We found you three days later, where you had passed out in a drainage culvert. It’s been four days since then. You’ve been unconscious. However, I managed to find the right combination to neutralize the effects of the chemical. You should be on the path to recovery.” Rockwell looked smug. “You may thank me now, even if it’s just in your head.”

Donnie did not have the energy to deal with that at the moment. Instead, he just looked at his loved ones, closed his dry, dry eyes, and fell back asleep.

The chemical took time to get out of Donnie’s system, and it took time for him to recover, too. His family was unusually attentive, although it did take a few days for Donnie to catch on to it. They were almost beside themselves making sure he ate, he drank, he got enough sleep, he was comfortable, that he knew they loved him.  They made sure that he was helped up and down, that he didn’t scratch at his bandages as the chemical wore off, and that if he felt dizzy at all he was raced to a seat or a bed. They never left him alone. There was always someone nearby. Their behavior stumped him, and finally, one day, when April and Casey were over and fussing over him too, he just asked.

“Okay—what’s up with all of you?” he said.

“What do you mean?” Raph asked.

“I mean all of this,” Donnie said, sweeping his hand around. “We’ve not spent this much time together, well, ever, I think. I can’t turn around without someone being there. And you all seem insistent on both watching me like a hawk and making sure that my every need is met. Which is… weird. So. What. Is. Going. On?”

The tension in the room increased, and Splinter sighed, reaching into his robe and pulling out one of the journals and the loose papers. “Donatello, my son, we need to talk.”

Donnie looked at the journal and then back up at his father. “Talk?” he repeated.

“Yeah,” Mikey said. “Because, like, you know it’s all not true, right? You know that we do love you and stuff, right?”

“And that we want you here with us. No matter what,” Leo said.

“We’d never want to lose you, Donnie.” Raph added.

Donnie waved his hands in the air. “Wait, wait, wait, hold on, time out. What are you talking about?”

Splinter reached back into his robe and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “We found this note you left for us, Donatello.”

Donnie took the note with confusion, unfolding it and reading it over. “I… I think I remember writing this?” he said. “Or at least, something like this.” He looked up at his family, still confused. “But I don’t understand.”

“My son, we…” Splinter hesitated, and Donnie watched his father struggle for words. “You are important,” he finally said. “Not because of the things you can do, or the things you can’t do, but because you are my son, their brother, and if you were to… to take your own life… nothing could fill the hole that you left behind.”

Donnie blinked at his father. Then he blinked at his brothers, and his friends. And then he looked back at the paper. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You—you thought I was suicidal!?”

“Donnie, it’s okay,” Leo said, “It’s not something that you have to hide from us.”

“Yeah, we’re here to help you,” Raph said.

“We’re going to be right by your side,” Mikey said, “And make sure that you know how much you’re loved, bro.”

“We’re not going to abandon you,” April said firmly.

“We want you here,” Casey added on.

“You see, my son,” Splinter said. “No matter what you are feeling or going through, we are going to be here for you.”

“And we’re going to do a much better job of letting you know just how much we love you and appreciate everything you do,” Leo said.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Donnie said again. “Not that I don’t appreciate all of that, because I do, but I am not suicidal.”

Raph looked startled. “But the note—”

“The note was written when I wasn’t in my right mind,” Donnie said. “But aside from that, I never meant to kill myself. That much I remember clearly. I did meant to leave, though. That much is true.”

“Wait—but then what about the papers?” April said.

“The papers?” Donnie repeated.

“The ones from the journal,” Mikey clarified.

“From the journal?” Donnie repeated, obviously confused.

“These,” Splinter said, handing the journal and the papers over to his son.

Donnie took the, and flipped through the papers and the journal, understanding growing on his face. He groaned. “Oh, man, okay, I can see why you’d be concerned. No one was supposed to see these. They were for me only.” He frowned. “I admit that sometimes there’s more truth in the entries then I would ever want to admit to you—well, before now, I suppose—but these were like… like overflow.”

“Overflow?” Splinter asked.

Donnie nodded. “When Raph gets frustrated and has too many emotions, he takes it out on his punching bag, letting the overflow of emotions out that way. Leo trains, letting his emotions slide away with the concentration. Mikey creates. Food, art, projects, whatever it is, he creates. But those methods don’t work for me. I need to think through my emotions, or they just clog up. But sometimes what’s riding at the top of my emotions is too much to get past. So, I let it overflow into writing and into words. That usually takes the top off so that I can deal with the emotions—or at least suppress them.”

“So, the stuff in there isn’t true?” Casey asked. “It’s not how you feel?”

Donnie frowned. “I won’t say that. I still feel overworked. I still feel unappreciated a lot. I still don’t like being called the worst ninja. I still don’t like my things being messed with. I still feel upset at the thought of being left behind. I still feel like I’m not good enough more often than I want to admit.” He raised his head enough to look at Splinter, even if it was just for a few seconds. “I still feel like I won’t measure up, and I feel like no one cares about what I’m interested in most of the time.” He looked down at the journal. “I still feel alone sometimes.”

He lifted his eyes. “But—I have never once thought that killing myself would be the right answer. This,” he tapped the journal, “is my version of Raph’s punching bag. There’s truths in there. But that doesn’t mean that they’re as intense as it reads.”

There seemed to be a collective sigh of relief at that, and some of the tension bled out of the room.

“I am pleased to hear that, Donatello,” Splinter said. “Although it is clear that there are still things we need to address.”

“My father can help with that,” April said. “I know he’d be happy to.”

Donnie nodded his head. “Yeah,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Look, I’m… I’m sorry, guys,” He looked at them. “I never meant to make you think I was suicidal. But I guess my head was just too full of chemicals to think clearly.”

“Yes,” Splinter said. “But that does not mean that our mouths did not give you unintentional ridicule.” Splinter stood, and came closer to Donnie, laying his hands on his son’s shoulders. “We have neglected our care for you, and even if it is not as extreme as we feared, we can do better.” He looked at the children in the room. “We can all do better with each other.”

“Great,” Raph asked. “I’m game. But how?”

Splinter was quiet for a moment. “We can being by taking some of the burden off of Donatello. I’m sure there are household repairs that we can learn to do. And from there, we will practice better ways to use our words.” He squeezed Donatello’s shoulders. “None of us should feel less than, chemicals in our brains or not.”

Donnie smiled up at his father, and then glanced at the rest of his family. “Thanks, Sensei,” he said. “Thanks guys.”

“Just never do this again, okay?” Raph said.

Donnie laughed. “Believe me, I don’t plan on it. In fact, I think I know what the first project you guys can help me out with will be.”

“A pizza making machine?” Mikey asked.

“Revamping my exhaust system in the lab,” Don said. “That way we never do have to worry about this happening again.”

“That,” Leo said with a smile, “Sounds like a good plan.”

[silver-and-stars]

Rewatching from season 4

Turns out it's the Buck Begins' season (how appropriate) and

How I HATE his parents ("You have to know, we never blame you" HE HAS TO KNOW ??? Let me hit them with a shovel PLEASE). They are all nice and open now but I hate them even more for that. In season 6 they made a 180° turn, like nothing happened, with Buck and Maddie (my poor Maddie). They deserved at least a harsh slap, they deserved a way meaner treatment. What is it with the Madney family and wanting to introduce to your kid your shitty parents that gave you trauma so she can have "a normal family" ? You mean a family with history of neglect and emotional abuse ? She doesn't need grandparents like that. Sometimes nothing is better. CUT TIES WITH EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PARENTS. DO IT. and do like Buck, go see a psychologist. Otherwise they will keep eating at you even after their death. It's like poison.

Damn I love the 118 family. When they all come into frame to help Buck in the fire. Ouch my feelings (with So Far playing in the back, double Ouch)

So much Buddie in those first episodes, unparasited by poitnless love interests (I'm not talking about Tommy), at least until episode 6. Now that my hope is rekindled I fear the disappointment.

Next episode Bobby goes "Hey" at the fake firefighter, the guy runs away and IMMEDIATELY Buck goes "I got it" and start running after the guy, yelling "Hey, I just wanna talk" while the guy tries to escape him. Peak golden Retriever moment. I love him.

That probably makes me a bad person but I'm living for the scene where Buck tells Chris Eddie got shot (a+ acting) and how Buck is barely holding it together, crying while trying to stay strong for Chris and then breaking down once he gets the news Eddie is gonna be fine. He was so scared and is so relieved. And he makes, once again, a GREAT parent. (Also Athena holding that riffle is.... 🤌🏻)

And then Buck does that heroic but reckless crane rescue, being maybe a tiny tiny bit suicidal cause Eddie got shot and it should be him instead, and he is happy about the rescue but then his eyes meet Bobby's and oh nooo, Dad is pissed. I adore the Buck-Bobby dynamic. One had SHITTY parents, the other lost his children, but now here they are having that father-son bound. Those relationship between the characters in the heart of the show and why I keep watching even when all those accidents and calls starts to stress me or make me paranoid.

For MONTHS Eddie was walking around, knowing he wrote Buck into his will like "yeah if I die that man will take care of my son" LIKE BRO. He trusts him with his life but, stronger than that, he trusts him with his son's. And then Eddie gets shot, standing in front of Buck. He doesn't remember anything after hitting the ground but I wonder if he thought about that, about his son and if he was relieved to think Buck would be there for his kid. DUDE. And Buck tells him it would have been better if he was shot instead of Eddie, like he doesn't matter. Buck, who feels worthless unless he is a firefighter, who felt unwanted, is who Eddie choose to look after his son if he dies, the one Eddie is ready to entrust his son's life and happiness to. And Eddie sees him thinking so little of himself. And he is freaking wrong. Pretty much all the 118 fam at some point must have wanted to shake Buck to make him understands he matters A LOT to them. But Buck doesn't believe that yet because of his AWFUL parents. Dang.

[dullahandyke]

Wait ok bcos i metisposted. I realised u guys might not have all the eimear lore. So here is the main stuff off the top of my head

Bugs in him - every so often I spam reblog an audio line from kingdom hearts recoded. Mickey its riku they put bugs in him. Actually don't worry about it stay unaware

That one time I tried to move blogs after a six month hiatus and then gave up lol. My alt still exists (@tissyfits if u wanna go for it) but I never like. Log in or use it. So

Materfred - important and vital. Ship between Manfred von karma from ace attorney and mater from cars. I wrote several fics. I reskinned the entirety of my immortal for them. I made a carrd for them (materfred.carrd.co). They are somewhat known because my tags abt them on a post got screenshotted and then the OP of that post blocked me (entirely fair it was a plague upon their notes)

The metis cykes obsession - metis cykes is a minor character in the fifth ace attorney game who has been dead for 7 years by the time the story starts and she has no dialogue. There are seven pictures of her in existence and two of those are of her corpse. I loved her I LOOOOVED her it was like spiritual, I've kinned for fun on and off but I was LITERALLY her IRL for like 6 months. To this day my feelings on aurametis are staunch like stone

The lamp blog - I used to have a huuuge hateboner for clay terran as a symbol of fandom latching onto background men instead of woman characters, and, spurred on by my friend group at the time, I made a blog called yourfavehasfewerficsthanthislamp where I just compared the number of fics XYZ character had next to the number of fics terran had. It was an obsessive hate-cycle which did nothing to actually uplift female characters and the methodology was intensely flawed (shoutout to the 'neopets has fewer fics than terran' submission - I mean, yeah, but I feel like you can't use that to say he is more popular than fuckin neopets. Or that neopets is a poor neglected soul that needs more fanfiction written about it) but hey at least I got reposted to Twitter

Yelling emernally - my old talk tag <3 back before I made yis read all my thoughts unfiltered, back when I spelt my name 'emer'. Given the pronounication of my name, it is a pun that only kind of worked, and it confused most people who came across it. Tag is still up if u wanna read my 2020 thoughts but also like. Dont

Not so much a bullet point but if u were around before I was calling myself dullahandame u are legally my cousin. I dont even remember all URLs what I had back then, only they all had my name in them. Emer-bottomtext, emer-ald-isle, et cetera. Fun times

[mostlikelytofangirl]

Look at this mess. The reason it's difficult to translate NMJ accurately to a modern au is because his actions would be just abusive. Honestly if I were NHS I'd never forgive NMJ for destroying my things. NHS is scared. Look at him, poor thing. As much as I love NMJ he needs a reality check

Let me just.

Aahhhh ok. Here's the thing.

Is this objectively abusive? Yes.

Is this happing in a vaccum? No.

Idk man. I'm thinking that maybe you haven't come across a good modern AU featuring NMJ bc I have enjoyed me plently a great and in-character and delightful modern!NMJ.

This happening right there is not a staple of his entire character. If anything it IS a way to show how much he had degraded and spiralled into qi deviation. He did need a reality check, you are right, but that's bc he is getting progressively disconnected from reality and wrapped in his own biased perception.

You know what this reads like to me? Triton and Ariel.

Dude was fed up with his daughter not only disobeying and neglecting responsibilities, but doing stuff he knew for a fact were dangerous. He was trying to protect her. What he did in the cave, destroying all her stuff, was awful and unexcusable, but can we really call it abusive? Or claim that he didn't love her and was a matter of time before he got violent?

In NMJ's case, dude knows he's dying, he's going to leave NHS alone and in charge of the sect in a world where JGS is pretty much unmatched and he had been trying for so long to get his brother and only heir to actually give a damn about that. Throughout the years, he had yelled and nagged, but how different is that from a strict parent? Dude had to be a parent after losing his and becoming a sect leader at what? 16? I think we can cut him some slack in terms of not being the most wholesome guardian. AND YET not once was he ever mentioned to get physical with his brother, neither would NHS be his happy-go-lucky, lazy self for all their life together if he knew there were actual weight to his brother's threats. Or was JC also abusive towards JL in this regard?

Mxtx herself confirmed in an interview that despite being only half-siblings, the Nie's relationship was good. This here is an outlier situation, an ooc moment for NMJ bc my guy was reaching the point of no return. And the fact that NHS not only forgave him, but enacted a ten years long revenge for him goes to show that he either came to understand the circunstances in which this happened, or the love and good moments he spent with his brother greatly outweighted this sad episode.

I'm sorry, but this is extremely realistic to me in terms of family and interpersonal relationships in general. No one can have a fully wholesome and unproblematic dynamic with another person, much less a close one. You are going to do shit to hurt each other, you are going to be pissed off or even scared when the other person blows up when they are in a very bad place. That doesn't mean that all your time together is now invalid or that that person is "toxic", especially when it's pretty obvious that this is not normal behavior for them.

You are fully valid in not liking this, of course, I just don't think it fully fair to pass judgment on how other characters should feel about him when NMJ is quite literally going through his worst moment right before he freaking dies a painful and untimely end.

[edgepunk]

does it count as enabling if i pop in your inbox and directly ask you to rant about ir*ndad

thank you nonny for taking the bullet cause this is gonna be long 🫡

I've ranted about ir*ndad a few times, but I simply despise it. Going through the Peter Parker tag on ao3 is a goddamn minefield even after I filter out any MCU related tags. I accidentally stumbled upon really shite ir*ndad fics bc they weren't properly tagged and I was exposed to the horrors against my will. However, there are a few ir*ndad fics I actually enjoyed, because the writers actually understood the characters and took a lot of pointers from the comics. But there are very few of them unfortunately, you'd have to dig deep to find them.

Anyway, let me make a list of things that bother me about ir*ndad:

Peter's characterization - now, y'all know I'm not a big fan of MCU Peter, but I know damn well he is not a toddler trapped in a teenager's (now adult) body. Peter is very reckless, chaotic and wants to do most things on his own. He isn't yelling "Mr. Stark help!!!" every two seconds. He can and wants to handle things on his own, he is a teen in HOCO and FFH, after all. Teenagers want to prove their worth without any help, so does Peter.

He is not a useless bland uwu softboy that conveniently forgets he has superpowers lmao. Peter is sassy and can be rude. If your Peter Parker can't be a cunt, then that's not Peter Parker. ir*ndad fans turn him into a toddler. There's no way around it, he's a toddler that can't do anything without their pwecious Tony who's the best, biggest hero and who handles everything for Peter, because Peter is a baby who can't do anything on his own. It's not like he can easily lift cars and is very intelligent. No, he's a useless poor baby who can do no wrong. /s

I have to shorten this, so here's a speedrun of things about ir*ndad that I despise:

The writers claim to love Peter, but most of those whump stories where Peter gets tortured and traumatized are about Tony. It's only about Tony's feelings, Peter is there for torture porn and to cause Tony's manpain.

The assassination of May's character - the misogyny is really showing with this one, they turn her into an abuser and neglectful parental figure in almost every fic (tbf she was done dirty by the MCU, not gonna lie)

Racism - shows usually the way they handle Flash Thompson. It's bad. It's very bad.

Their racism is showing with how they treat and (mis)characterize Ned and MJ. Nooo they're not Peter's friends, they're mean and they're gonna abandon him bc he's a superhero. /s

They turn Tony into a creepy, full on stalker??? They think it's cute and wholesome that he gave Peter (reiterating that he's a teen in the MCU) a phone and laptop that's hooked up with trackers, so he can know where he is at all times? Ew? (ig he did that with his Spider-Man suit in HOCO. still creepy.)

As much as they try to deny it, their fics come off as ship fics between Peter and Tony. Why on Earth would a 16/17 year old cuddle with a grown-ass man??? Peter didn't do that with Ben as a preteen/teen, why would he do that with Tony lol ??? It's not just cuddling Tony is giving him kisses jeakejksjhajkhsjhdnd

Cont. of the previous point, there is nothing wrong with Peter x Tony, as long as it's not the MCU version/Peter is a minor. If it's the comics or video game version, then fine, go for it. Peter's been an adult for decades, but just,,, write that instead of trying to chalk this up as a "wholesome father/son relationship".

ummm that's all. thank you for enabling me nonny and sorry for the long rant I Simply Have Thoughts

[nagichi-boop]

What's your opinion about "rise turtles are same",what you like/dislike the most about their writing for them?

Hey there! I sincerely apologise but I don't fully understand your ask. I will try and answer it anyways though!

If you're asking me to compare the Rise version of the turtles compared to the other iterations, I'm afraid I can't answer that. I haven't watched anything other than Rise.

As for how I feel about how they're written, I don't think I have anything that I hate about any of them. Even moments that could be said to be out of character for the brothers never felt like it to me. Let me list a couple examples.

Mikey is generally the caring, aloof brother, but very rarely does he show a lack of concern for others. In fact, he is arguably the brother who is most empathetic and thoughtful. Even when he is stressed, he tries his best to keep everyone on the same page. One example of this is him blocking Raph from Leo in the movie when they fight. He is also the one to lecture Donnie when he is having issues with Sheldon and was the only one who believed in given Draxum a second chance.

There are times, however, where he is arguably out of character. One is the Mystic Library where Mikey impulsively yells despite knowing he is supposed to be quiet. This could be seen as OOC because Mikey usually approaches situations with a level of thought and caution and only really fails to do this if he doesn't grasp the situation. In those cases, it's unintentional. The other example (and the bigger one) that comes to mind is in Man VS Sewer. Throughout the whole episode, Mikey is especially chaotic and carefree despite Raph being missing and Leo's reminders at how desperate the situation is. But in my eyes, neither of these to me feel OOC.

In my eyes, the reason Mikey often falls into the role of the family's emotional glue is simply because he feels he has to. While Splinter's way of parenting can be understood by his past, I think it's safe to say that he isn't the most emotionally supportive. It's not explicitly stated, but we catch glimpses of it either through his actions or things that are said. In the Late Fee, we see just how excited and desperate the boys are to return their father's dvd because they are desperate to receive a hug from him. Sure, we do see them hug their dad outside of this example, but based on how determined to return the dvd in the episode, it seems to me that this is isn't something that their dad does often and is possibly only given under certain conditions. It's also hinted a few times by Donnie that Splinter isn't quick to give praise as on many occasions, Donnie becomes ecstatic when receiving compliments from adult figures. He also becomes overjoyed when Splinter asks to spend time with Donnie, which implies that he often doesn't spend one to one time with them (or arguably more upsettingly, he just neglects Donnie). This way of parenting causes Raph, Leo and Donnie to all be poor communicators for their emotions, especially because they feel a degree of responsibility for caring for the family, especially Mikey.

Because Mikey is the youngest, he doesn't necessarily have to push down his feelings. Raph does so because as the oldest, he feels he needs to be a source of emotional stability for the family. Leo and Donnie both hide their feelings due to a sense of inferiority - neither wants to appear weak and so they tend to overcompensate with a somewhat arrogant attitude. As the youngest, Mikey was perhaps more sheltered by his brothers which allowed him to be more emotionally expressive. That coupled with his adhd (which is almost canon?), I figure Mikey has heightened empathy and so when his brothers are upset, he feels it too and strives to make his brothers happy.

So how does this all relate back to the examples I mentioned earlier? Well, despite his seeming emotional maturity, he is still only 13 years old and the youngest of four siblings, That coupled with potential adhd means that of course there will be times where Mikey lets his impulsivity get the better of him. In Mystic Library, he sees an opportunity to do something fun and takes it. I really don't see Mikey as someone who is able to sit still and be quiet for too long - he always seems to be fidgeting in one way or another.

As for Man VS Sewer, I believe it's a similar situation. He was expecting to have a fun day with his brothers and so became more hyperactive. Even after Raph was missing, he couldn't just turn that feeling off, so he kept making jokes and comments that could make it seem like he didn't care. I also believe, though, that Mikey has his moments where he perhaps gets annoyed at Raph and perhaps this was one of those times, causing him to act a little more 'careless' for lack of a better word. As the eldest, Raph is often seen to baby Mikey. The most apparent example is in Hot Soup The Game, Raph is the only sibling that is against Mikey going on a solo mission to retrieve the game. Once Leo and Donnie agree that Mikey can go on his own, he hugs them and then teases Raph triumphantly. Raph is also the one to suggest that Donnie spy on Mikey and then later to go back Mikey up. When they arrive, Mikey is infuriated at Raph's lack of faith in him.

I've also heard that there was a scrapped episode that explored Mikey and Raph becoming more distant as siblings? I can't comment much on it since it doesn't exist, but assuming this is an episode that was actually planned, it would further explain Mikey's behaviour in Man VS Sewer. While he still loves Raph, I imagine he is the sibling Mikey would get upset at the most and so sometimes gets upset at him to the point of seeming uncaring, even though that's not actually how he feels.

So even in the episodes where Mikey seems more chaotic and ignorant to the feelings of others, I still don't think it is OOC. He, as the youngest sibling, just sometimes gets swept away in his own excitement sometimes and is probably used to a degree of flexibility and pampering as the youngest because he is not expected to be as responsible as the others, even though his behaviour most of the time is quite mature when considering his age.

The other character who is likely to be accused of being OOC at times is Leo. I'll mostly be talking about how he is portrayed in the movie, so please skip this part if you don't want spoilers for that.

At the start of the film, Leo showboats a little too much and ends up causing the team to fail their mission to retrieve the key. At this point, they don't actually know what the key is for, so in a way it's a little understandable that he seems somewhat carefree. After all, most of their failed missions don't turn out to be a problem they can't solve later. The main point of contention at this point is Raph's anger towards Leo's attitude. Despite now being the leader of the team, Leo often acts on his own in missions and cares more about his ability to flaunt rather than working as a team. He ignores Raph's complaints, which results in them arguing. I'm sure that this isn't a new issue between the brothers, however. We have seen glimpses of their struggles before throughout the series. In Shell in the Cell, Leo once again displays a carefree attitude towards something and infuriates Raph. Sure, this wasn't them failing a mission, but it shows that Leo's attitude is something that has caused contention before, and it can be assumed that offscreen between season 2 and the movie, this was a topic of argument many times. While some people might view Leo as a jerk for how he acts, I actually believe his behaviour comes from a place of insecurity. Him becoming the leader is a powershift I'm sure not everyone agreed with. Perhaps his brothers had expressed their concerns with him being the leader. Leo's insistence on doing things his way could therefore be explained as him trying to prove his competence to the others. If he wasn't the one making the plans and being more than just a face man, then what worth did he really have as a leader? In his mind, he had to be the one front and center because that was what it meant to be a leader. If it was his team making the plans and saving the day, then he wouldn't be needed as a leader.

Leo's attitude shifts from nonchalant arrogance to angered desperation when it is discovered that the key is more important than they thought. He rushes for the key despite the others insisting he flee, which results in Raph getting injured and captured. Even after returning home, his determination to prove his worth and competence as a leader grows and causes him to push the team to follow his orders, despite the others expressing concern. This leads to Donnie and Mikey almost being crushed and it's only thanks to Casey's wake up call that Leo is able to take a step back and reconsider his plans. He starts listening to the others and distributes the workload to the others.

In the final portion of the movie, Leo makes the incredible sacrifice of sealing himself away from the Krang. It's possible he expected to be locked there for the rest of his life or even for an eternity, but he didn't care. All that mattered to him is keeping everyone safe. This wasn't some attempt to show off - he just did what he thought was the best option. He could've tried to fight the Krang to prove himself, but he instead offered to sacrifice himself to protect those he loved. His being motionless after makes me believe that moreso. He didn't gloat to the Krang outside of his portal-chopping joke. He didn't fight back. He accepted his fate, and with a smile was content that he fulfilled his role as a leader and protected his brothers. Sure, he made the joke when he saw the portal Mikey made, but I think he was just trying to hide what had happened to him. Again, he wasn't arrogant, he was just happy to see his family. I assume he expected to be stuck there for a while anyway - if not, why didn't he fight off the Krang? Why let himself be defencelessly attacked if he expected to be leaving soon?

Sooo I guess in summary what I'm saying is, I think the turtles are written excellently. I guess the only character I can say I dislike the writing of is Splinter? His character seems to flip flop a lot between neglectful and compassionate. But I don't really mind it that much. Splinter was just an actor who suddenly became a father of four. He spent his life trying to avoid his responsibilities because he didn't want to become like his mother or grandfather. I suppose his emotional neglect could in part be because he didn't want his children to be close to him in the event he wasn't around anymore, much like how he lost his mother. And again, I don't think Splinter was ever mentally ready to suddenly become a father, much less having to give up his entire lifestyle becuase of them and his now mutated body. I'm not saying I am excusing the way he is, but I at least get where it may come from. He hasn't had an easy life by any means and becoming a parent wasn't his choice. We see that later on he at least comes to terms with his responsibilities and tries to make amends.

Anyways uhh...I think I'll leave it there, especially since I have no idea if this is what you were asking. I'm super sorry if I've misunderstood oop-

[neo-shitty]

hope you dont mind me popping in to your inbox to scream abt whc1 bc you are truly the only person out of my friend circle that has watched it 😭😭 first of all

facts. he can do no wrong.

second of all its been days and i am still processing like this has never happened to me before ?? usually i am a lil :// until the rest of the day when i finish a sad drama but with this im just so heartbroken still. yesterday during a big mental breakdown (unrelated to the drama i am not THAT crazy ok) i realised why it hit me so hard and i think its bc i somehow relate to sieun (anger issues and all /j) and so i somehow projected into his character and so when it all went down with suho i just couldnt deal w it ?? I LEGIT HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK it felt like it was happening to me 😭😭😭 like he was such comfort for me. he broke the cycle of loneliness and stereotype for sieun and i just really adored each interaction they had. the fact that they would both kill and die for each other makes me bawl my eyes out.

but when it all comes down to it, i understand beomseok, i really do, but i also dont. i dont think ill ever forgive that character, i just cant. i cant imagine how it must have felt for him and i couldnt be able to deal w life either if i was in his shoes, but my brain just cant grasp the lengths he went to hurt people that did nothing but care for him and tried to help him with everything. he's a complex character for sure, one you have to analyze to get, but i dont have it in me to have a single ounce of sympathy after the ending of the drama.

but to think that the parents and the adults were truly at fault here ?? beomseok being abused, sieun abandoned and neglected, suho not really having parents around either (i read somewhere that they are canonically abroad or something?? not too sure), the policemen not taking sieun seriously at first, the teachers seeing the shit happening and not doing anything to stop the bullying... where were everyones parents when all those kids got caught up w the gang? its truly sickening and heartbreaking to think that this truly could be happening anywhere and to anyone.

and it broke me so much bc i could accept beomseok drifting away from them and stuff, but to gang up on suho on his fucking birthday? sieun cooking and decorating with young yi and taking pics for her insta (i strongly believe her and sieuns friendship is SO underrated they were so cute together) and both of them just hid it from everyone to protect suho,, their sunshine ??? the poor boy must have been so confused and lonely on his bday and it makes me :( and then when he saw sieuns cast and went to avenge him ?? I read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.

also i find it funny how i found the drama through a clip on tiktok where jihoon cried at watching the last scene where sieun breaks the window and i was like oh this should be just the right amount of sad for me rn and then i got emotionally damaged. :,)

yeah anyways my fav trope is found family and FUCK all of those who hurt my sunshine bc now im forever heartbroken.

sorry for the rant toffee but it did felt cathartic to write this all out

bar, please don't worry about it. feel free to come back any time you have to yell about it and i'll try to get back to you as soon as i can.

sooho was just too easy to love. we headed into that show blind HAHA we should've known it was too good to be true! i never saw it coming actually.

same !! took me days to get over this too. *hugs* i'm sorry about the mental breakdown, i hope you're feeling a bit better now !! oh the projection must've made the whole thing twice as hard. again, sooho was such a comfort character :( his happy go lucky nature was such a breath of fresh air esp when the themes occasionally got dark. i want that dynamic for me actually (to kill and die for each other, yes). i usually find it corny but it was so well executed here.

oh bumseok :( i think it's valid to simultaneously understand him but at the same time, find what he did unforgivable. i get where he was coming from and how he was just looking for a place to fit in—where he wasn't looked down on. idk how to describe it but when he started misreading the situation (like that whole bit abt sooho not following him on ig but following young yi), i think something in him snapped. he was so fed up with being helpless at home and at his previous school that when it happened a third time, he did everything to get back and lashed out.

I 100% BELIEVE THE ADULTS WERE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST NEGLIGENT FUCKERS AROUND. like???? leaving a scamming syndicate to be dealt with by high schoolers?????? bumseok's fake ass politician dad??????? sure, sieun's parents were 'present' but emotionally distant, like check on your kids bitches or not have them at all god dAMN. i thought some of the aspects of the bullying were exaggerated bc from where i'm from it never gets that bad but hearing that to an extent, it was truthful about it just left me dumbfounded. how could parents allow things like this to happen under the radar? it's unbelievable and heartbreaking to me.

yeah, i thought bumseok would just join his cool boy squad but he really had to do whatever the fuck he did :D my girl, i know you read my tags and i was vile as fuck towards him but at the time i was just so angry too. also yes! youngyi and sieun's friendship <3 i wish they had more time </3 and honestly, if bumseok didn't do a whole 180, i think the four of them would make such a cute squad. like the way they would protect each other??? hmp :/

'i read something about how suho always fought only in self defence but when he saw sieun hurt he crossed the line and fought with the purpose of hurting somebody only bc his best friend was put in danger and that- that broke me.' i saw that the other day and that broke me to fucking hell i could sell anyone's soul to see them together again (SPECIFICALLY, with the other one being fine and out of comatose yes i would love that for me.

ohhh, i've been meaning to watch that vid of them reacting to whc1 but at the time it didn't have subs. jihoon's acting was so fucking effective like??? the sadness the eyes of that man has can sway me to do anything !! so sorry that you got so much more than just a little sad bout. heading into this drama blind was like bringing a knife to a whole war.

this show made me realize that tragedy could strike any pairing on any show and i wouldn't bat an eye but have the same happen to a found family and then i'm instantly destroyed. THE SHOW ACTUALLY REMINDED ME OF YOUR CHENJI FIC????? FUCK. please do let me know if you ever get around to writing something related to them haha i'm ready to be destroyed.

please do not ever apologize for ranting especially about this show !! i went through this whole phase ALONE last year (watching it after christmas was the biggest mistake, i ended my year DEPRESSED as FUCK) so i'm offering as much help as i can.