#misunderstood brains and consciousness

[in-sightjournal]

Ask A Genius 1066: The Chris Cole Session 4, "Pinky and the Brain"

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Some people, I do these sessions. I let them know about Ask A Genius. Obviously, it’s named after you. I tell them. Would you have any questions for him? And then that’s where this comes in because they’re members of those communities, so they’d be the ones that I thought would be interested. So, a follow-up from Chris Cole says, “Let me ask the question differently:  A…

[mla0]

i think patrick liked bugs as a kid and tried to get shaun into them. later on shaun had a "bug kid phase" and is still a lil into them but is too prideful to admit he influenced her that hard

[ironunderstands]

Yapping about why I love Aventio and what I feel makes it a great ship 

(If you hate it I urge you to read this, because you don’t have to agree with me, but I want you to get where Aventio shippers are coming from at least)

I’ve just really wanted to talk about why I love Aventio because the people do not get it like I do and GODDD ITS SO GOOD WHEN DONE CORRECTLY UGHHHHH

Also this is gonna be VERY stream of consciousness I do not have a plan besides dragging you through my brain so enjoy the ride.

I guess the best place to start is the fact that Aventurine and Ratio are my two favorite characters in the game. Like even if they have no interactions with each other ever and might as well be from different pieces of media I would ship them, because I like seeing characters I like interact and the fun police cannot catch me. That’s a really shallow personal reason though and I feel like the rest I have will be able to be appreciated by others.

GOD THE DYNAMIC IS SO GOOD RAAAAAA

Two emotional constipated dumbasses circling around each other like black holes trying desperately to deny and run from their feelings when they have both fallen hard. The lack of acknowledgement of feelings on both ends is TRAGIC and it makes me want to rip my eyes out in a good way, let’s start with Ratio.

Unfortunately my glorious king Ratio has been mischaracterized to hell and back but we will get to that (and the Incorrect Reasons Why People Hate Aventio) later. Instead I will go over his actual character; a deeply insecure, intelligent man who desperately wants the rest of the galaxy to come to the realizations he has long since stumbled upon, but has been so isolated from his peers from such a young age that he’s doomed to fail in literally every social interaction he has and be misunderstood by both the audience in universe and irl (the autistic coding isn’t helping him either).

Ratio is tragically misunderstood again, both in universe and by the audience, which is why it means so much that Aventurine Gets Him. Aventurine pushes his buttons, tears down that literal cold marble facade masking the deeply silly and caring man beneath (this man bathes with rubber duckies in the privacy of his own home 😭), and that scares the shit out of Ratio. People aren’t meant to see through him, Ratio acts rude not just because he believes it’s the best way to help people, and because he believes he himself is mundane and the conclusions they come to should be their own, not his.

No, it’s also because on some level Ratio is afraid to be vulnerable around people. As much as he pretends like it doesn’t affect him, Nous’s rejection has hurt and haunted Ratio for his entire life. And I do mean his entire life, even in high school he had already set up a strict routine for himself, something commented on by his teacher, Ratio has quite literally always been striving for some sort of perfection and the fact that he cannot achieve it kills him.

Moreover, the guy just grew up way too fast, he didn’t have time to develop social skills. We see it in that afformentioned relationship with his teacher, in which they recommend Ratio (who is again in high school) to be moved up to college level stuff and transferred due to his success. He has quite literally never been able to just relax in a environment of his peers, Ratio for some reason we don’t yet know has always been dedicated to constant improvement and that leaves no room for dealing with failure.

On some level, he knows this too, that he can never be perfect. Ratio is part of the Mundanites in the Intelligenica Guild for a reason, he doesn’t just see himself as mediocre because he believes everyone is and that’s ok, but also because he looks down on himself for being too mediocre for the Genius Society, being too mediocre for Nous’s acknowledgement, being too mediocre for anything.

Which is tragic because Ratio is very accomplished and he is very smart, and his character stories aren’t even told from his pov, but rather in the style of documentaries and letters (his professor) and other works on his well acclaimed life. We don’t ever get to see how Ratio really sees himself, just the tiny cracks in his marble facade that let the real man behind the character shine through.

Because that’s what he’s playing 90% of the time, a character. Whether it be at the Herta Space Station in which his real goal was to uproot the researchers blind worship of the Genius Society, or in Penacony in which he plays up the arrogant, narcissistic scholar both people in universe and irl make him out to be, both to serve a goal bigger than himself. 

Sincere moments from Ratio are RARE but god are they beautiful, his conversation from Screwllum in 1.6 and his note to Aventurine in 2.1 will forever haunt me in the best way possible. If you want to understand Ratio as a character, yes read his character stories, but just watch that damn scene with Screwllum it is phenomenal. He cares so much and is so, so bad at expressing it, he drives me nuts, Veritas Ratio the man you are. 

And the thing is, it seems like he’s always been playing a character and doesn’t know where the real him ends anymore so he just sticks to the way people perceive him a lot of the time. Like as a kid he was constantly striving to be the best so he missed a lot of necessary developmental shit, and as an adult he’s a celebrity so it’s hard for him to attach himself to others anyways because society and his students will hound him for it.

And then you throw Aventurine into the mix, and oh boy does shit get interesting.

Veritas Ratio, perfect “unfeeling” Veritas Ratio and the one person who gets him well enough to push all his buttons and expose the vulnerable underbelly he thought he hid so well. On a fundamental level, Ratio understands this, which is why he doesn’t bother with the alabaster head, as pretending the real him is just as unfeeling and uncaring is easier.

So he brushes off Aventurine’s jests as if they are an insult to his very existence, he can’t look in Aventurine’s eyes when he “betrays” him because his poker face would break, he leaves as soon as he’s done talking because lingering would allow the weight of their conversations to sink in. Part of it is because for pretty much all of Penacony, up until the note Ratio gives him, Ratio is acting, trying to play up the role of the arrogant, unfeeling scholar to make Sunday buy the betrayal plan, because to Sunday this behavior is signs of a bad relationship between the two (honestly the fact that the audience also interpreted it this way makes me mad like did yall seriously not pay attention, but also happy because if even the players were fooled that means Sunday buying it is believable). 

However, even if it feeds into his insecurities, Aventurine knows that false facade and loves tearing it down. It’s very telling that the second time we see Ratio really freak out (the first being at Herta Space Station) is at the suggestion that he came to narrate Aventurine’s demo not because of knowledge or respect for the show or whatever, but because he genuinely likes the guy. What makes it even better is that Aventurine is the one who suggested it, and already figured out the excuses Ratio was going to use to deny it. Ratio can fool everyone else in the galaxy, but he cannot fool Aventurine, and on a fundamental level that is what makes their dynamic work, because Ratio knows Aventurine in the exact same way.

Aventurine can shove away people who care about him, out of distrust and fear that they will leave him like his family did. He can believe he’s unloveable and a person so detestable that even the actions he performs in order to stay alive condemn him to hate himself as much as the rest of the galaxy hates him. But, Ratio doesn’t see him that way.

Aventurine doubts his intelligence, if he has really earned anything he’s done and in his voiceline about Ratio, doubting if Ratio even sees him as smart or worthy. However, Ratios voiceline about Aventurine is about how he believes Aventurine is smart and worthy, and that his doubt will be his downfall if he doesn’t come to the realization that he isn’t worthless. 

Ratio knows Aventurine’s one weakness, the one thing that could stop him; himself. That’s why he gives him the note urging him to stay alive and keep on living because ultimately Aventurine will only ever fail if he gives up. And The Note Is Enough, Aventurine walks into the event horizon of a black hole, confident he can return alive on the other side because someone cares about him, BECAUSE RATIO CARES ABOUT HIM, and wants him to live on even if Aventurine doesn’t feel that way towards himself.

In the metaphorical and literal manifestation of the meaningless of the universe, in the face of overwhelming nihility, Aventurine survives because someone loves him, and with that love he’s strong enough to brave even that. 

Even if they can’t admit it out loud, these two deeply, deeply care for one another and trust each other perhaps more than anyone else in the narrative. The betrayal plan would have never worked if there was not mutual trust, Ratio wouldn’t have gone to Penacony in the first place if he didn’t trust Aventurine, and Aventurine wouldn’t have asked him to come if he did not trust him. We don’t just see this trust between Aventurine and Ratio either, and Jade and Topaz both trust him with their cornerstones, but ultimately it’s Ratio who’s physically with him the whole time, risking his life alongside him for the sake of their plan. 

As much as people like to ignore it, lying to the Family members, to Sunday, is extremely dangerous and puts Ratio’s life in danger as much as it does Aventurine’s. Ratio is not an irrational person, he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t have faith Aventurine would succeed, he would not have done if he didn’t think he would return. They have absolutely faith in one another and it’s beautiful. 

Aventurine’s first constellation is named “Prisoner’s Dilemma” for a reason. A social experiment in which two prisoners are captured and separated, if they sell the other one out and remain silent, they go free but the other remains in jail for 20 years. If they both sell each other out, they get a sentence of 5 years. 

But if they both remain silent, trust the other, they even if they physically can’t communicate and don’t know what the other says, they get the best possible outcome, only one year in jail each. It requires a sacrifice on both ends, they both still have to go to jail, but only for a year, and only if they trust each other completely, as if the other sells them out they will be in jail for 20.

The prisoners dilemma relies completely on trust, and it’s the exact situation Aventurine and Ratio face in the Penacony quests. Aventurines doubts if Ratio’s betrayal was real or not, even if he set it up himself, and Ratio worries about Aventurines survival, if continuing this plan will end well. “You can’t expect a featherless bird to take flight” isn’t just Ratio chastising Sunday, he’s genuinely worried that this plan will put Aventurine at too much of a disadvantage to continue on. 

But they both trust each other, and if just like in the Dilemma neither come out completely unscathed (although it’s much worse on Aventurine’s end), they ultimately achieve their goal. 

God is it sweet and corny in the best way possible 

I want to kill this fandoms perception of stoic, emotionless Ratio because once people realize he’s actually the corniest mf ever is the day I sleep easy. He makes statues of himself doing Jojo poses, he plays chess versus himself, he named himself Veritas (truth), he loves rubber duckies, he literally sits in a bathtub couch, and Aventurine breaths and he gets flustered.

Ratio so deeply silly, chronically corny, it’s a crime he needs to be locked up someone stop him. 

And Aven brings that out of him. His teasing reveals the goofball trying so desperately to disguise himself as a serious scholar. Ratio is very smart of course, but that only makes his silliness better, as you watch this absolute genius of a man behave like a tsundere schoolgirl. 

It’s not like Aventurine is some paragon of seriousness either, he’s the one teasing Ratio, fucking around even in a serious mission. Yeah it’s partly because he wants Sunday to think he’s incompetent, but it’s also because Aventurine genuinely is having fun, enjoying himself before the serious part of the plan kicks in, and the meantime he does that by messing with Ratio.

Their dynamic of Aventurine messing with Ratio, and Ratio trying desperately to pretend like it doesn’t affect him is as hilarious and heartwarming as it is tragic, and that dichotomy is why I love them so much. It’s fun and it hurts so so much because their interactions being this flavor of silly leaves almost no room for the sincerity they both desperately need from one another. 

AND GOD I NEED IT TO HAPPEN. RATIO MENTAL BREAKDOWN SCENE PLEAASEEE LET HIS WALLS CRUMBLE PLEEEEAASEE PLEASE PELADE PLEASEEEE EPLES DOLS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

They’ve gotten closer and closer and closer and soon something’s gonna snap because they are so close yet so distant and if something doesn’t change the tension is just gonna boil over AND I NEED IT TO HAPPEN. I need more Ratio scenes I need more interactions with him I need him with his guard down I need him to profess out loud that he cares about Aventurine I need him to break please he needs it, it would be so good for him. It doesn’t even have to be from Aventurine, just Ratio snapping and revealing the fucking mess he is under his facade and not being rejected by the people he cares about for it is enough.

I honestly doubt it will happen in the story though, as much as I want it to. Although Aventurine’s character demo somewhat changed my mind against this, I feel like hoyo is like “ok they get the vibe between these two we can move on” and the shippers are left to extrapolate how this relationship would go beyond what it is now. As much as I want a breakdown scene for Ratio in general, it probably wouldn’t happen in a while but devs if you are reading this PLEASEEEE. 

The only time Ratio ever gets slightly out of his element is with Aventurine but I need it to go further because god it would be interesting.

Well I’ve deemed that enough yapping about why I love Aventio (for now 😈) so let’s talk about why people hate the ship and why most of the reasons behind it a fucking stupid. (Massive disclaimer of course you can dislike it it’s just a lot of the “oh it’s a horrible ship and anyone who likes it sucks” shit isn’t grounded in reality in the slightest and I’m tired of the slander)

“Ratio was racist to Aventurine”

Now this is a spicy one because if this post was made in 2.0 I would 100% agree with you (during that time I shipped a non canon version of them in which that did not happen because how dare u do my boy like that hoyo). However 2.1 changed a lot and I mean a lot, and basically reframed the 2.0 quests for everyone.

Essentially, Ratio and Aventurine were both acting in that argument scene, making the things Ratio said to Aventurine not how he really sees him, and actively something Aventurine wanted him to say, so you cannot blame him for what he said. I’m not even joking or exaggerating, retrospectively it quite literally does not make sense if you view it in any other way, and honestly even with just the knowledge of 2.0 the scene doesn’t make sense if played straight, so let’s get to why.

a) Ratio and Racism do not mix fundamentally. Ratio is a person who believes that everyone deserves and education regardless of background, that it is a scholars duty to help others achieve that, and no matter who you are, you are capable of intelligence, learning and becoming the best version of yourself, and that those qualities are just limited to geniuses.

THIS AND RACISM DO NOT MIX. “Oh yeah education and improvement is possible for everyone except this specific group of people for some fucking reason!!” Like not only would this scene being serious contradict Ratios entire character, the man who believes people should not be judged for their educational background judging Aventurine for his educational background (that’s actually what the Sigonian upbringing line meant, it was mistranslated in the EN version)??!?!! Make it make sense.

Moreover, half this perception also come from the fact that hoyo made the incredible writing decision of naming Aventurines planet after a slur for Romani people, so unfortunately literally anytime its name, Sigonia, is brought up you’re essentially saying a slur. It’s much worse in the CN version, in EN it’s not obvious at all, because our version of the slur (it starts with a g and ends with a y that’s all the hints you’re getting), doesn’t look like the version of the slur that the name for Sigonia was derived from, which is partly the source of this misconception as I’m pretty certain most people assumed Ratio (and by extension Sparkle) said a slur elsewhere in the conversation when in reality them referring to Avens ethnicity/background/planet IS the slur.

Anyways terrible writing decisions aside, Ratio supposedly being racist doesn’t just contradict his core motivation, it contradicts his job. He’s a scholar, for fucks sake, and racism is inherently illogical. Mmm yes I’m gonna base my identity around finding truth for myself and I will believe government and social propaganda about specific groups of people! Very logical, very scholarly, we all clapped. 

So yeah, doesn’t make sense on a character level, to the point that in 2.0 I concluded that they must be using Ratio as a plot device in that scene to deliver some of Aven’s backstory to the audience due to how OOC it was for him 😭. However I wasn’t necessarily wrong, Ratio was delivering some of Aventurines backstory to AN audience (not just us), and he was behaving OOC in the 2.0 scene, but it was on purpose.

b) The betrayal plan 

Aventurine forms a plan in which him and Ratio pretend to betray one another in order to sneak the Aventurine cornerstone into the dreamscape by replacing it with the Topaz stone (red herring + black hole scene dialogue implies she and Jade are there for other reasons) and the Jade stone (perfect dupe). 

Now this betrayal hinges on Sunday, their main antagonist buying it, actually believing that Ratio would betray Aventurine on a mission as important as Penacony, and it requires Sunday also buying that he is winning the whole time, that the loss of the cornerstones was somehow a fumble on Aventurine’s end rather than something he planned all along. 

So, they stage the 2.0 conversation. Ratio yells at Aventurine for losing the cornerstones, something which was part of their plan the whole time. He then insults Aventurine’s background allowing Aventurine to reveal key details of his past that Sunday would not have learned otherwise, which he uses in the trial against Aventurine. Seriously, Aventurine only found out he was the last Avgin when he became a Stoneheart, do y’all think Sunday summoned that info with his mind or something during the trial (like do you guys genuinely think Sunday read his wiki or something)

Moreover, Ratio not only insults him, but portrays Aventurine as useless, disposable to the IPC because he is apparently already sentenced to death. Why does he do this? Well, so Sunday feels confident enough to do the same to Aventurine. Seriously, sentencing an IPC member, especially a high ranking one to death is a risky move, even for someone as convicted as Sunday, he would need the confidence to do so and learning Aven might already die would give him that ability. 

Because well, it doesn’t matter that much if he’s already going to get disposed of in the near future. I also think the IPC plans to use Aventurine’s “death” as leverage against the family because they were pleased to hear of his death sentence according to Dr. Ratio, meaning a) he likely did not have one from them at the time, although in the past he was sentenced to death and b) even if Aventurine succeeded in getting the cornerstone his seeming loss in the rest of the conversation wasn’t actually a loss at all, getting sentenced to death/“dying” at the very least was part of the plan all along as the IPC could still use it as leverage if things went south.

Continually, Ratio treating Aventurine in the exact same sh1tty way the rest of the galaxy does perfectly slots him into the arrogant, uncaring scholar role, which Sunday knows are some of the most easily manipulated people in the galaxy, considering he tries to bribe Ratio with knowledge about Stellarons it seems he bought this idea hook line and sinker. Sunday isn’t even subtle about it either “I heard you and your companion haven’t been getting along lately” where did he hear that from? Ratio didn’t tell him, and even though we know Sunday was 100% watching the two of them on their little adventure pre-meeting him (the bird and hound statues) that scene hasn’t happened yet so where did he get that from?

Some other interesting proof for it is that the Final Victor lightcone likely depicts Aventurine trying to convince Ratio of this plan of his, the events of which must occur  pre-Penacony for several reasons, the least of which being that we just never see it happen on Penacony which if you think it did we would see it. Moreover lightcones are canonically condensed memories and the Final Victor lightcone released in 2.0, meaning it’s the memory of something that happened before then. 

All signs point to the 2.0 scene, the one people use to paint Aventio as toxic being staged. And I have so much more evidence for this, (Ratio would never agree to go without a plan, Aven clearly formed his pre-Penaocny, so much of the plan like Ratio opening the cornerstone box, which he can’t do up until the betrayal as it’s in Sundays possession, rely on him arriving knowing how to do so, the time discrepancies, the complete 180 in personality Ratio would have to do to go from distrusting Aventurine to putting his whole faith in him, etc), but I will reupload one of my old slideshows to elaborate more on it. Basically the one thing that people use to say it’s toxic is not true and is in fact a greater show of the trust between those two. 

“The shippers are all weird and racist” 

Now this one actually has some truth to it because yes there are some incredibly fucking weird Aventio shippers and I do not blame yall for disliking them.

HOWEVER, most Aventio shippers are normal and hate that shit just as much as you guys do. Like do you realize most shippers also really like these characters and have something insane called morals so they don’t automatically excuse racist fujoshi goobers just because they are making content for their favorite ship. Trust me someone doing that pisses me (and most other Aventio shippers) off significantly more than people who hate the ship. Also free Ratio from this shit man poor guy is getting mischaracterized as a slaveowner by his fans and haters 😭

And like guys, have you ever been in a fandom before, like ever? Weirdos are always gonna be weird and it’s not Aventio’s fault they are this months victims. For a fun little example of how gross other fanbases can be, one of the most popular Overwatch ships on ao3 is Genji Shimada X Hanzo Shimada WHO ARE BLOOD RELATED BROTHERS. THERES LIKE 300+ FICS OF IT, SHIMADACEST IS LITERALLY A TAG ON THERE. I WAS IN THE TRENCHES SEARCHING FOR GENJI HANZO ANGST FICS (Hanzo killed Genji it’s complicated doomed siblings will always get me) AND HAVING TO COMB THROUGH THOSE ABOMINATIONS IN THE PROCESS.

Like please I’m relatively new to fandom culture but yall cannot be acting like this is weird for fans to do, it’s weirdo behavior but it is not unique to the HSR fandom or even Aventio. And even if understandably this makes you not like the ship, don’t paint the people who enjoy it as being the people who do this kinda sh1t. It’s not our fault peak gets tainted by miserable creatures ok, let normal ppl have their harmless fun and stop lumping people together into a monolith. 

?????

Well that’s it that’s all the “valid” reasons people have for hating Aventio, at least the ones I can remember. Everything else is just personal opinion and not at all an objective reason.

“They’re so sibling coded!”

Anyways again obviously you can still dislike it not everything is for everyone, I really just wanted to make this post to demonstrate why I and many others like it, and why the reasons people use to say it’s problematic are incorrect. Feel free to call it mid, block it whatever I don’t care, just don’t harass shippers for having some harmless fun, because the characters aren’t real but the people who like them are and in doing so you are really just being a jerk for no reason. If you somehow hate Aventio and read this the whole way through I congratulate you on your ability to actually listen to other people, and regardless of whether you changed your mind or not I respect you for doing so anyways. Thanks for reading and I would love to hear your thoughts. 

[vulpisnocturna]

My tired brain 🧠 possibly misunderstood, but hc requests are still open? If not disregard this ask, but if so what are your hc on Uchiha Males discovering their spouse or s/o, having an intrauterine device for birth control? I would say not done out of spite but just something their s/o has had for years (some IUDs last for 10 yrs or longer!). Maybe it was a slip of the tongue, since it’s not something most women spend all day thinking about. At least I don’t.

Maybe a slight misunderstanding over the whole scenario. It can be NSFW as well. 😈

HC requests are in fact still open, as they don’t take me long to write. Fic requests are closed.

Mhhh I’m not sure, this would be quite hard to gauge I think. I’ll try my best.

Uchiha Men finding out you have an IUD/views on contraception

Indra:

-This man would not be happy to hear you say you cannot conceive when he wants you to. He would absolutely tell you to get it removed ASAP. You don’t want children with him or something? Is that a joke? You need to give him an heir.

-If you tell him you’ve had it for a long time, he will retort that now you’re his wife and it is time to have a family with him.

- 10/10 commitment, 1/10 general approach, 0/10 women’s rights

Izuna:

-He’s secretly a sweetheart. He would ask you why you did it and if you’re comfortable removing it because he wants a family with you. If you’re not, he’ll try to coax you into it, but he won’t push too far. He wants peace for his clan as much as peace in his household.

-Will be asking routine updates on whether you’re ready to take it off.

- 7/10 general approach, 9/10 communication, 7/10 women’s rights

Madara:

-Is perplexed when he starts to see that no matter how many time he breeds you, you never get pregnant. There is no way he’s the problem. Could you be infertile? That’s not a thought Madara likes. He needs to pass on his genes, and he singled you out as the best woman to help him do that.

-So he asks you, and you tell him you cannot conceive at the moment because of your IUD. Madara is not happy. He isn’t going to be as controlling as Indra, but he will try to literally fuck the need to be bred into you. Will manipulate you into a breeding kink. And then he will dote on you, making sure you know how much he is committed to creating a family with you, how much he wants you to bear his children. Until you suddenly want it too and get that blasted thing removed. Another win for Madara.

- 6/10 general approach, 6/10 women’s rights, 8/10 gaslighting

Obito:

-This man will break you with simping. When he finds out, he’s genuinely upset and a little embarrassed. After all, he’s been raving about putting a child in you when you two were having sex and now he finds out it was literally impossible for him to do so.

-He will shower you with love, say he wants a family with you so badly, tell you how good you’d look pregnant, say how much he wants to be a father and how good of a mother you’d be.

-Genuine love bombing: Obito is genuine in the efforts he’s putting in. He’s not trying to manipulate you consciously, he just wants it that badly, and is so upset that you have that IUD and he can’t make it a reality. What you’ll do is up to you, but he’ll never stop nagging you.

- 7/10 general approach, 8/10 women’s rights, 10/10 simping

Shisui:

-Is the most normal about breeding kink. Will say it’s fine, but asks if one day, you might still be open to having children.

-Laughs it off with a sex joke.

-‘That’s good to hear, sweetheart, I’m not sure I can be trusted with pulling out in time’ he would laugh and joke.

-Sometimes will get thoughts of how cute it would be and how happy it would make him to make a family, and he asks how long you think you’re going to keep it.

-Engages in playful jokes about being a dad. Quick glances in your direction to see how you take it.

- 10/10 women’s rights, 9/10 general approach, 9/10 joking as a coping mechanism

Itachi:

-Itachi is completely understanding of the notion of contraception. After all, who would want a child when they’re not ready? But he does want a family with you, and if the time is right and he doesn’t plan to play suicide with Sasuke, he will want you to be the mother of his children.

-Will inquire when you got it… for purposes. You don’t need to know he’s counting down how much time is left until it gets removed

-Will also inquire what the purpose of the contraception is. Is it to be able to have sex without risks until you are ready, or are you planning to not have children at all? He needs to be reassured that you do want a family with him one day, even if it’s not today. He’s patient, but he needs the constant reassurance that one day, he can go wild and give in to his breeding kink. Being an Uchiha is not easy.

- 9/10 general approach, 10/10 women’s rights, 9/10 paranoia

Sasuke:

-You can do whatever you like, but he’s silently brooding over it. Secretly asks himself if you are trying to avoid having a family with him

-Wants to rebuild his clan with you. Will not say he wants you to get it removed. Will say “whatever”.

-You’ll have to go to him to have a conversation about it, and the fact that he wants a family has to be pulled out of his throat with pliers. You’ll have to do the leg work to communicate, but it’s really sweet once he lets go and is vulnerable enough to show you his true feelings.

- 3/10 general approach, 9/10 women’s rights, 10/10 emotionally stunted.

[hoodreader]

Saturn asks: “What are you so afraid of?”

read for saturn persona chart or where saturn falls in ur natal chart. read for solar return chart to see what fear u need to overcome. this is a general post: house placement, aspects, etc all have an influence in how the fear may manifest.

remedy saturn to subdue the fear. good luck!

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🧠 WHAT IS FEAR? fear is spiritually sourced from insecurity. and fear is the predecessor of a lot of emotions / feelings: such as anger, or sadness. it’s in the root of the animalistic, carnal, survivalist part of u. the part of u that is of this world — ur flesh.

fear is housed in the amygdala — a part of the brain responsible for survival instincts. it’s one of the oldests parts of ur brain, having been developing since before the transition from life in the sea to the land… that was a long time ago. this means that the amygdala (or the capacity of fear) is almost as old as the brain (the capacity to have a thought) itself.

fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” for billions of years, this is how living beings survived. by being afraid.

but that’s the problem with a mindset centered on survival. in order to fear something, u have to sub/unconsciously believe that something else has the power to threaten u. u must believe that it can bring harm to u.

fear has its place for the body. it’s instinctual. the rabbit fears the serpent. the serpent fears the cat. and so on. when u fear something, that’s because ur animalistic, physical self is trying to protect the body. and we are animals, after all.

but in many ways, fear is the antithesis of the limitless soul and spirit. because fear is in the core in the animal’s physical form, it can corrupt what is beyond the physical — including the core of the non-physical.

this is why we must address our fear — it’s a necessary step in acquiring freedom from the cycle of survivalism and to allow urself to evolve past what you have been conditioned in. read on to learn how u may house fear within u. good luck!

first house. what you fear in yourself, in new environments, fear of your mind, of your psyche. what you fear of your spirit and soul. self-consciousness in your body; fear of your appearance; fear of health. fear of life itself.

second house. fear of losing your possessions and assets. fear of loss in security. fear of poverty.

third house. what you fear in your personal communities. fear of not belonging. what you fear in your siblings. being the “black sheep.” fear of communication; of expressing yourself. anxiety. fear of information, of the truth.

fourth house. fears you inherit from your family. fear of karma. what you fear in your ancestry or family. fear of death; of the grave; of the “end.” fear of the dark, fear of intimacy, fear of your ‘shadow self’. fear of leaving home or fear of home itself (look at aspects). fear of emotion. if you have a uterus: this could even be menophobia. you may fear even acknowledging a fear at all.

fifth house. your fears of pregnancy, childbearing, sex, romance, or creation. fear of parenthood. your fear of adventure. fear of self expression (especially with art). how you may suppress your inner child; fear of expressing it.

sixth house. health-related fears. fears relating to the obstructions in your routine; your day-to-day; your comfort. fear of not doing enough. fear of cats or dogs (lmao, but seriously). fear of your enemies (private).

seventh house. fear of other people; fear of partnerships (business and marriage/long-term romantic). fear of binding commitments. fear of death. fear of enemies (public). fear of justice.

eighth house. fear of the taboo, of the misunderstood, of the socially exiled. fear of debts owed. fear of what you inherit. fear of your karma. fear of your nature. fear of change. fear of sex (as a binding, energetic exchange). fear of sexual organs. fear of surgery. fear of purging. fear of insects, arachnids, reptiles, and/or amphibians.

ninth house. fear of foreign communities. fear of planes; of far-distanced travel. fear of religions. fear of god. of higher education, college, etc.

tenth house. fear of being seen. fear of legacy. fear of your public reception. fear of how you’re seen. fear of your reputation. of authority. goals. afraid of your honor. of fame.

eleventh house. afraid to aspire. of liberty and freedom. afraid to challenge or rebel. afraid to think outside the box. fear of society; of friendship.

twelfth house. your fears of isolation; fears of being lonely. fear of rest. fear of closure. fear of death. fear of your ‘shadow self’. fear of therapy, of hospitals, of prisons. fear of exile. fear of introspection. fear of sadness, woe, and sickness.

saturn aspecting ascendant. similar to saturn in the first house. you’re afraid to embody your own energy. afraid of your own body. you can be your own jailer.

saturn aspecting sun. afraid of being noticed or seen. afraid to create. you’re afraid to perform; stage freight. you have shame, you may try to remedy your shame with pride but that’s not going to help your insecurity.

saturn aspecting moon. you’re afraid to have emotional needs. to be emotional at all. you may have been told your feelings were burdensome, so when you feel, you grow disappointed or shameful at the fact that you do. fear of letting go, so the native may hold onto emotions that no longer serve them. emotional stunting.

saturn aspecting mercury. you’re afraid to speak. to make your presence known. you might’ve been told you were only to be seen, not heard. you internalize this by not verbalizing yourself. you may have shallow breathing.

saturn aspecting venus. you’re afraid to love. to be close. to desire. you may be ashamed of wanting to be intimate. you could also simply have self-esteem issues, or you have shame relating to your wealth and finances.

saturn aspecting mars. there’s shame in anger, in your root / carnal needs. you’re ashamed of perceived weakness, and you may fear being viewed as anything other than strong. you may also fear betrayal or someone sneaking you, so you may be prone to grudges. fear of blood. fear of being hurt.

saturn aspecting jupiter. this is viewed as auspicious, but there can still be fear lurking. fear is, at times, consuming. large. pervasive (if a conjunction). fear can be of water. religious-related. community-related. fear to aspire. fear of marriage, fear of feeling shackled by marriage. it can be related to feeling like you lack freedom.

saturn aspecting the nodes. the nodes are about your destiny, about your karma, your past life experiences. the lessons you carry into this lifetime, and thus, what you may fear from lives long dead. and they are much more significant than some people will lead you to believe. it’s more than “future” and “past.” they meet you here in your current body. look to the nodes in your saturn persona chart — it’ll be a key in learning how not to rely on fear to guide you.

you should also use the lessons that have been taught in your familial line, the lessons from the past will be relevant to the future. for the long-haul for sure. for this, i’d advise looking to karmic advisory. if you have living elders, talk to them (a lot). if you don’t have living elders in your family, talk to elders in general. don’t be afraid of your destiny. you chose it for a reason! good luck! ⭐️

works of @hoodreader. all rights reserved, 2024.

tips — $mooninfall on cashapp. readings are open.

[exo-raskreia]

Thoughts on 261 & More Utahime Potential Ideas

WARNING: MAX COPIUM + MANGA SPOILERS

Ok, I know everyone's been losing it lately. I tried to keep calm when the 261 leaks dropped. I'm very disappointed & shocked as well (Gojo... ｡ﾟ( ﾟஇ‸இﾟ+)ﾟ｡ ).

However... The latest developments have also caused me to ascend to a higher state in Delulu Land & this is my hardest cope yet.

First off, it seems to be implied that Gojo chose to become a monster by killing the higher-ups, thinking that he was finally going as far as (stooping as low as) Geto did for his ideals, but didn't want his students to see. And yet, they wanted to be there with him, not wanting him to carry the burden of becoming a monster alone—they would too by going through with the Horrible Plan™. So, miss me with that "Gojo wanted to die & reunite with his best friend" nonsense. There is too much at stake here & Gojo gave his all for his students and allies. Yuuta is currently risking his life too, for his friends & to carry Gojo's burden (let's go a little easier on him, guys, & Maki too, since she was against this plan; mainly for Yuuta, but still. Hakari looked disturbed too...).

This whole thing's a mess, though. What is Gege doing? Why hype up Gojo only to reveal such a horrible plan? Is he playing with us 'cause he's a sadistic freak or could it be there's something more to it? That he's setting up for something else? I've mentioned this before, but could it be that Gojo is truly meant to return at a crucial moment? When all hope seems lost? As it did feel a bit random to reappear during Todo & Yuuji's fight...

WARNING: Harry Potter spoilers!

Nitta must've stopped any further bleeding from Gojo's brain & Yuuta's body, so he, Shoko, & Amai must be keeping them healed & safe. I wonder if they're keeping an eye on the possibility Gojo could regain consciousness. I once mentioned this in a Tweet, but could Gojo be in a similar state as Harry Potter after getting hit by the Killing Curse, seemingly "dead" but actually in a state of limbo where he had met Dumbledore's soul in a place resembling King's Cross Station?

In Gojo's case, he's at an airport where he met his dead comrades (whether it's actually them or just Gojo dreaming, is uncertain; if he is dreaming, then wouldn't that mean he's still alive?). He's given a choice to metaphorically "board a plane" north or south, to return as someone new or to stay as he is. In the Buddhist-inspired JJK verse, north could mean enlightenment, so will Gojo choose that path, as many have theorized? It's uncertain if going north means choosing to live and/or ascending to a higher state (godhood), & if going south means straight up dying/reincarnating or simply returning to his misunderstood self, but I hope Gojo chooses whichever is best for his return. One that will possibly make him stronger but finally gaining a new perspective that will break the barrier between himself & others? Or maybe weaker but finally able to fight alongside the others (especially if he makes a Binding Vow)?

As such, Gojo's body was healed by both Shoko & Yuuta, & since his head had remained intact & on his body throughout the whole ordeal—which is required for RCT to work—could it be he could regain consciousness at some point with his own RCT? Yuuta only has 5 minutes to fight in Gojo's body but it's unknown what would happen once they are up. There are the risks he could die or stay stuck in Gojo's body, both of which are atrocious. However, in order to survive, could Ui Ui do a soul swap before the 5min mark, if/when Gojo revives? Or could it be both souls would automatically switch back? Either way, if the danger is out of the way, would Shoko then be able to perform the operation again to switch their brains back?

However, do the sorcerers really think they can defeat Sukuna in less than 5mins before Yuuta's back to the operating table? This is so convoluted, so I'm not sure how this would go. 😥

Anyway, I've been delulu theorizing Utahime could really have an important role in the Shinjuku Showdown arc here and here for a while now, whether it's to help in Gojo's revival or something else. Even with this latest shocking development, my ideas still stand.

Once again, neither Utahime, Ijichi, & Gakuganji were present at the strategy meetings in the flashbacks, especially the one with the Horrible Plan™. While Gojo wasn't present either for said plan, he was informed of it later & he commented he didn't intend to lose, so he didn't really care what would happen to his corpse anyway. This could mean that Utahime & the others were later informed too but at that point, it may have been too late to stop it. Maybe that's why Utahime had that somber expression in chapter 222. She knew what could happen and DID NOT agree with it, so while everyone was cheering Gojo on with happy expressions, she wasn't. I wonder if she had expressed her disagreement to Gojo right before meeting up with the others or something, as this other panel still makes me curious.

Gege didn't have to include her here but he did. She looks nervous... I once made a silly post on both GojoHime panels in chapter 222 here.

Anyway, Ijichi wasn't even present which is kind of strange while Gakuganji is typically so serious anyway.

At this point, one's inclined to believe that maybe they really were up to something else. It's too suspicious and obvious that these 4 were not a part of any of the important strategy meetings with the other sorcerers. It seems deliberate on Gege's part. Which is why these new delulu ideas come into play.

MAX COPIUM FROM THIS POINT ON.

Shoko has shocked us all with her very blasé attitude about the Horrible Plan™, that even Gojo said he was hurt annoyed by it. Either she was bottling it all up (she really did seem worried during the battle...), fully trusted Gojo in not losing (but she should've assured him?), or maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny possibility that she's hiding something. Could she have another plan?

Whether she does or not, Shoko is not part of my delulu ideas this time. I'm done. I had mostly brought her up before because of the possibilities & how much others hyped her up for it, but my delusions have always mainly revolved around Utahime. Shoko thankfully did her part already by helping heal Gojo's body & now it's Utahime's turn to take care of the rest.

Sure, Gojo could return on his own through a Binding Vow and/or his own RCT that should be working again, but as I brought up before in my first aforementioned delulu post, what if Utahime boosts his RCT to quicken and strengthen it? Nice and simple, right?

Or, what if Utahime's singing will finally come into play? As I also mentioned before, what if Gojo can hear her in the limbo & will be guided back by her voice? Like the luring of a siren? Will she call him by (first) name? Shrine maidens can summon spirits & gods, so if that applies to the JJK verse, could Utahime perform a ritual to reach & summon Gojo's soul? Especially if he chooses enlightenment? Now, I would hope this wouldn't be a temporary thing...like he returns to help one last time before departing to the heavens in a godhood state or something. Oh, Gege, u better not...

What if her singing does have healing abilities? But even more crazily, what if they're not physical, but spiritual? Could Utahime restore both Gojo's & Yuuta's souls to their bodies? Could she help Yuuta's soul remain safe once the 5mins are up?

For all this to happen, Utahime would have to be in the medical room. Where is she currently? Is she on her way? Is she still out on the battlefield possibly boosting the remaining sorcerers (well, hardly anyone left, tbh)? If she's headed to the medical room with the intent to help Gojo, I imagine it'd shock Shoko & the others. Would they know what she intends or not? Would they think it's possible? Would they try to stop her?

This is super insane & bordering on headcanon (lol, I warned you), but wouldn't it be amazing if she could have possibly managed to achieve Domain Expansion during her long absence in the manga post-Shibuya? What if it was kept a secret from all? What if as soon as Gojo laid his Six Eyes on her after his unsealing, he knew? What if that's one of the things they were cultivating, planning around, during the time-skip? Could it have offensive abilities involving her voice, like a siren? Like maybe she can make the enemy do her bidding or de-buff them? What if it's the opposite & instead has healing/buffing abilities? Any ally inside it would be in a state of max HP? Now, whether she would use it to actually heal Gojo or in combat, who knows.

I once read a wonderful one-shot fic in which Utahime achieved DE by finally accepting everything about herself, which included her suppressed feelings for Gojo. I know it's fully delulu but do we really know Utahime's full abilities? How is she a Semi-Grade 1 sorcerer if she can only buff (unless her CT is seen as good enough to warrant the rank)? Come on, Gege, stop wasting her character potential.

Remember that Sukuna still hasn't been taught about love? Based on Yorozu's version of it, his idea of love is to become vulnerable enough to connect with others & not feel lonely anymore by being defeated in battle; basically, get humbled, lol. He thought only Gojo could teach him how to overcome the barrier between himself & others deemed weak. But how would that be now, if Gojo's possibly in a state of limbo? (Is it another hint to his return?) The only other people that could possibly teach Sukuna are pure-hearted souls like Yuuji or Yuuta, the latter whom has also experienced romantic love. However, Yuuta just "discarded" his humanity by choosing to become a "monster", so Sukuna may throw that in his face. Taunt him & the other sorcerers for going against their ideals to defeat him.

What if it's not one person, but multiple that will teach Sukuna? Nakama power, y'all. What if Utahime could be one of those? She's the most pure-hearted sorcerer besides Yuuji. Her love for her students, helping Gojo whenever he asked despite her "hate" towards him, her not getting that Mei was asking for money to promote her in S2E1 (and Mei didn't even push it as if knowing Uta would never agree), her not being informed about the assassination attempt on Yuuji at the Goodwill Event by Gakuganji & her students (not even by Gojo, who suspected something), & she wasn't even present at the meeting for the brain switch plan...

It's like Utahime is being protected and/or her comrades know that she would never support all this immorality. She's a selfless person, often seen risking her life or attempting to for others in her little screentime. Not to mention that her CT is literally named after a love song. If romantic love were to be addressed at all in this fight, besides Yuuta, could Utahime play a role there? Her giving her all to help Gojo while Gojo had done his all to protect her during his fight with Sukuna? (You know, since it's still too sus that Sukuna doesn't know about her CT... Gojo entrusted Ijichi, the man he trusts the most, to keep Utahime safe for her ritual...)

I've talked about this image before but I may have discovered something interesting: the Angel Number 3612. Gojo's revival could be on the horizon... I elaborate in this post.

(Shoutout to some other amazing theories out there on Utahime's potential in helping Gojo. As a shrine maiden here & here, or even as Buddha's wife here, for example. These are seeming more & more plausible to me now, since Gege mercilessly threw a wrench at us in 261... I'm coping hard).

Having a plan unrelated to Gojo's revival is still possible. One thing I've seen thrown around is what if Utahime & team will try to stop the merger? If we go with the idea that Utahime has healing abilities for spirits, could it be that she could help restore Tengen's soul or something, like at least bring her back to her previous state before Kenjaku took over? Help her regain consciousness if she lost it? (FULL DELULU, I KNOW).

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Utahime's only a minor side character, I know that 😮‍💨. Her having such an important role & any other formidable abilities may seem like a reach, but at this point, I need something to hold onto. I don't wanna lose hope like several others have. It's hard but... As long as it's not 100% confirmed that Gojo's dead, then there is still hope... There's still so much we don't know... His choice of north & south is still up in the air, his answer to Geto's old question, his reaction to everything that happened during his time in the Prism Realm, what happened in the Prism Realm, what he did during the one month time-skip... Gege, come on...

The fact Sukuna still doesn't know about Utahime's CT is something I can hold onto, right? I will ride this wave until it crashes onshore.

[rosethornewrites]

NR, E, & M reading since 10/30

Finished

Not Rated:

The Untamed: With Nature's Help, by YenGirl (2 chapters)

A fun filled afternoon turns into something more meaningful thanks to some grilled trout, a thunderstorm and a cave.

What is 'white', what is 'black', by KarenF (3rd in a series, 7 chapters)

Lan QiRen learns that there is no clear divisible lines between black and white. The most important thing is the heart.

And, Wei WuXian’s Fourth Path does work splendidly in emergencies!

Explicit:

We can fix that, by Spindoctor (12 chapters)

Lan Wangji has an arranged marriage with Nie Mingjue. The marriage goes well. Then they see how starved Wei Ying is in the burial mounds. That's unacceptable. They take him home and fix it. Thoroughly.

2am on a saturday, by detectorist

“He’s so beautiful,” Lan Zhan says, tongue loosened by the weed. Besides, Mianmian’s room is his safe space. He can say what he likes here, so he does. “I want to know what his mouth tastes like. I want him to put his mouth on my—”

“No, no, no, no,” Jin Zixuan says, making an X with his arms. “For the love of Christ, keep it PG-13, please.”

—

In which Lan Zhan gets high, slides into Wei Ying's DMs, and somehow ends up having the harmonica played to him at 2am in the morning.

Wishing on Runway Lights, by inflight_gremlin (🔒, 7 chapters)

With the Chrismas holidays fast approaching, so does the storm of the century. Through it all, issue after issue, no one expected the little wishes made on runway lights to bring two strangers together like never before.

Or

Amidst flight delays and cancellations, Wei Ying finds himself taking care of a young boy left stranded at the airport. The initially unfortunate circumstances of their meeting would lead Wei Ying to meeting Lan Wangji, the child’s father. From then on, it’s a quick one way trip to falling in love.

Mature:

familiar motions, by moonxlight

Lan Wangji makes origami bunnies to cope with his emotions, in which he has many.

(Most of which are related to Wei Ying)

You Done Fucked Up, by enbysaurus_rex (5 chapters)

Jiang Cheng almost kills Wei Wuxian (again), but this time, he fucks up and it's on Lan territory. A very, very long come-to-Jesus moment, enforced by the Lan brothers and the Lan juniors.

the soft animal of your body, by howodd5ever

The problem was that he didn’t remember anymore why he’d left. Sure, something about finding himself or discovering his place in the world, or whatever other bullshit he’d talked himself into to end up in the middle of nowhere. Alone.

He missed Lan Zhan.

Wei Wuxian sets off alone after the events at Guanyin Temple and finds himself in pretty serious trouble.

clouds in the whites of our eyes, by butchgoth (GremlinGirl)

“About-about earlier, I…”

“I misunderstood. My fault.”

“What? You didn’t misunderstand. I don’t think.” He smiled, rubbing at his arm. The snap in the air was as crisp as biting into ice chips, and goosebumps were rising on his skin. “Uh, okay, um, this is really weird for me. I...don’t remember you.”

Lan Wangji slowly glanced over at him, his lips twitching into a frown. “What?”

“Yeah…” He tipped his head back, looking up at the stars. He’d always been able to see more when he’d lived out on the lake in Yunmeng, but the city wasn’t half-bad. “This is uh…”

“The doctors said you were fine.”

His head twisted, and Wei Wuxian stopped walking. Lan Wangji did as well, as if on instinct, and they stared at each other. “Yeah, well...I wasn’t. I don’t remember much of the hospital, but...I know what jiejie told me. After the accident...I woke up, everything was fine for about a week. I was going in and out of consciousness, but I seemed to be improving. But, then I had a seizure. And then another one. And another one. They took me for an MRI, and my brain was swelling.” He twisted up his lips, and Lan Wangji reached out for him, only to pull his hand back at the last second.

used to want you dead (now i only want you gone), by Ariaste

“It is not a coup,” Meng Yao says, which he has said at every weekly covert cheeseburger assignation since they began doing them. “A coup is, quote: a sudden, violent, and illegal seizure of power from a government. Unquote.”

“The HOA counts as a governing body. Trying to take it over is a coup.”

***

Two gremlins, eating cheeseburgers in the car in a parking lot at 1am, five feet apart because they're not friends.

Unfinished

Not Rated:

The Cultivation World Needs a Reset, by FangirlingIsLife

Do not succumb to anger.

It was one of the founding rules of the Lan Clan and yet Lan Zhan could feel nothing other than a cold fury filling his veins.

He watched as his husband in all but ceremony let himself fall to Jiang Cheng’s blade.

Even at his death, his soul mate would never raise a hand to defend himself against their tyranny.

Well fuck that.

i want to live a real life, by stvrrylost

In the wake of his first death, Wei Wuxian, the only child of Cangse Sanren and Wei Changze, had left his husband, Lan Zhan, a letter and a son, a small four year old boy, nearly five year old, to look after.

In the wake of his second, Wei Wuxian had left him a child again, only this time, the child was himself, nearly thirty years ago.

Explicit:

Now that I am awake, by jalpari

As long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand…

and the stars are shining above…

we will meet again....

Or; the post-canon LWJ/WWX getting together and JC & WWX reconciliation fic I began writing long before any of my other wangxian stories.

The Threads of Fate, by WaitForTheSnitch

“What would you do if you could have him back?” Nie Huaisang asked him, a bit too seriously as he leaned forward.

“There is no way for a dead cultivator to return,” Jiang Cheng scoffed, not even willing to entertain the thought.

“Perhaps, perhaps not,” Nie Huaisang shrugged, “Even if he came back, that wouldn’t do much to help, would it? Your sister is still gone. His reputation still damaged.”

“Stop speaking in riddles,” Jiang Wanyin growled, “What did you come here for, Nie Huaisang?”

“I asked you what you would do for your brother back,” Nie Huaisang started, “I would do anything to have mine back, Jiang Wanyin. And I’m here to offer you that same choice. Because our brothers’ deaths never should have happened. They happened because of schemes and plots. They happened because of lies and deception. Your brother was made to be a villain and was led to his death because he was too powerful. Mine was murdered because he stood in the way of Jin Guangshan.”

There's nothing Jiang Cheng wouldn't do to have his siblings back. And when Nie Huaisang comes to him with a proposal to save them by changing everything, he doesn't even hesitate to agree.

Mature:

You and Me (We Have History), by TheImpossibility

This was so typical of Wei Wuxian. He had an uncanny knack for being absent when he was needed, and present when he was not. Jiang Cheng wanted him to be gone, needed him to be dead —no he didn’t— but there he was, aimlessly wandering around Yunmeng without a trace of his memory.

It was maddeningly typical of him.

Jiang Cheng felt an overwhelming urge to scream.

我心中的恐怖；forever haunting me, by bonesbythesea

“Blood splatter across a snowy mountain was what greeted Wei Wuxian. Lan Zhan unmoving in Wen Ning’s arms, truly the jade statue he was described to be.”

Lan Zhan's punishment, but what if it happened way before the siege?

[yujeong]

I hope it's ok to throw up some Pete thoughts into your inbox, but that last rb of the fake vegaspete scenes has me thinking soooo many thoughts too. Even thinking about the original scene with Pete giving Porsche blocking advice... Do you think it's hard for Pete not to just see the violence in everything? Do you think it's hard for him to tell the difference? Was it easier for him to project his trauma onto Vegas than it was Porsche? Sorry sorry, my brain is kicking around so many hypotheticals that I almost want to write poetry

Oh anon, first of all, you can always come and throw at me *all* the Pete thoughts, I assume you've seen my blog and know how I'm like about that man. Second of all, damn, those questions are fascinating. I've never actually thought of Pete and violence and sex in that way before, at least not consciously (I think - I've only been thoroughly obsessing over him for almost 2 years lol). But anyway, for starters, I don't believe Pete is a stranger to sex. Even if he's a virgin in the show (something that was never confirmed), he's not oblivious to it. No matter the show's insistence at using Pete for comedic purposes in regards to him not knowing KP were a thing, I refuse to believe it! So, while, unfortunately, the scene with Porsche and the hickeys cannot really be interpreted in any other way than Pete having misunderstood what he saw on Porsche's neck, your question raises a good point for his character: does every act, including sex, involve violence for him? In my opinion, yes. Yes it does. Pete seeing the potential violence in everything could be a trauma response or a defense mechanism, both of which highly probable, as evidenced in ep4 with the table scene (though in that one, we had actual violence and potential escalated violence, depending on Tankhun's behaviour which Pete tried to control). Because of this, I don't think it's a matter of him finding it hard or not; it's a subconscious thing. I also don't think it'd be hard for him to tell the difference, but rather, Pete wouldn't *need* to tell the difference, because sex isn't something made for him. He's never thought it'd be something he would experience in his life before Vegas, so why distinguish one kind of violence from another? This is one of the main reasons why I utterly love their NC scene: it wasn't violent. Sure, it might have been painful - Pete hadn't completely healed yet, he was still wearing bandages and, depending on one's headcanon or not, penetration surely hurt to some degree - but it wasn't violent. It was hot kisses and licking necks and ass eating and slow thrusts and more kisses and.. yeah, you get the point. I believe it wasn't what Pete expected, same as the audience who witnessed it. Perhaps he expected another kind of violence, but got something completely different in the end, which is why Vegas using the handcuff again hit Pete so hard. The usual kind of violence returning, after the lack of it. He got too comfortable. He forgot to protect himself from the violence. Now, in regards to your last question, I believe Vegas' trauma is easier for Pete to project himself onto because it's a mirror (something @loveliesblood has actually said, because their brilliant character interpretations are brilliant). Pete's been there before, so he can empathize with a lost Vegas who's only response to the abuse is to blame himself. There's also the safety of distance: the days he'd been subjected to boxing against his will are over, so he's not in direct danger of his father abusing him like Vegas is. With Porsche, it's a little tricky. Taking as a hypothetical that he learns about what happened to Porsche somehow, the story hits a little *too* close to home for him to be able to process the trauma. There's no distance this time: it's here and now and he has to face it. But Pete is a hypocrite with no clue of what introspection means, so he shields himself from it, like he tries to do in ep13, in the infamous bathtub scene with Porsche, my favourite scene in the whole show. He cowers and hides and deflects. It's gorgeously agonizing to watch and I love it so, so much. This ended up being a little too long and I'm scared that I fucked up your incredible ask, but to salvage it a little bit, I'd like to highly encourage you to write the poetry you mentioned; we can never have enough of it, especially in the VP fandom. I'm sure it'll be wonderful ❤️ (Shoutout to @musictooth and their series of made-up vegaspete scenes, thank you so much for the brainworms haha)

[anjanahalo]

Danny Phantom Headcanon Idea

So Imma talk about Cores. This is a commonly accepted fanon theory that ghosts contain a Core, which is often described as a spherical object that varies between the size of a marble to a softball, is usually defined as the "heart, brain, and soul of a ghost" with the ectoplasm surrounding the core making up the rest of the being's physicality. This is fine, but I'm probably not the only one who read that and thought "That sounds a bit close to Gems in Steven Universe." So I'm here to propose an alternative definition.

Ghost Cores are something first defined by ectobiologists, so likely either the GIW or the Doctors Fentons if we stick with the main show, and they do define it as the central organ of a ghost, something they find once they dig enough into a ghost. Ghosts can reform from it if ectoplasm is given to the core, and destruction of the core is difficult but not impossible, but it also guarantees the ghost never reforms even if the pieces of the core (only the external shell remains) are soaked in ectoplasm. It sounds like solid if horrific science, and even Danny and crew accept that ghost have Cores within them. He thinks this is one of the few things his parents got right about ghosts until he talks with Frostbite about Cores and asking if, as a halfa, he'd end up retreating into his ice core if he were harmed enough. Frostbite, at first, didn't understand what weirdly cryptic biology Danny spoke of, and looked horrified once he realized what Danny spoke of so casually. It turned out Cores are real, but their meaning and formation are utterly misunderstood. Day by Day, ghosts don't have some magical central organ within them that makes up the keystone of their existence. A Core forms when a ghost has undergone such extreme injury they cannot continue holding together, which is an impressive amount of damage considering how resilient ghosts are. The minimum amount of ectoplasm required to keep the ghost "alive" once they can absorb enough ectoplasm to regain consciousness and regrow with a hardened shell of solid ectoplasm protecting the surviving remains of the ghost within. The feelings about this are up to interpretation, but I can't see most of the Ghost Zone appreciating this level of torture and execution.

[disease]

HUMAN // THEORIES

Humans, or modern humans (Homo sapiens or H. sapiens), are the most common and widespread species of primate, and the only surviving species of the genus Homo. A great ape characterized by their hairlessness, bipedalism, and high intelligence, humans have large brains, enabling more advanced cognitive skills that enable them to thrive and adapt in varied environments, develop highly complex tools, and form complex social structures and civilizations.

I. SPECIES OF PRIMATE – in terms of biology, we fall under the classification of animals. we share more similarities with fellow species under this classification opposed to less similarities. study the behavior of fellow animals, limitlessly, and focus your attention on that of their primitive states-of-being. apply these tactics to our advanced state of multi-faceted intellect, and learn from them.

II. HIGH INTELLIGENCE – a privilege amongst humankind that, to an exponential degree, fails to be utilized by the masses. success in relation to survival is largely attributed to this level of intelligence on a day-to-day basis. with the exception of cases linear with cognitive neurodiversity—excuses against the enrichment and manifestation of this attribute remain impotent. failure to both utilize and acknowledge this predisposition will only lead to mortal sterility.

Humans are highly social, with individual humans tending to belong to a multi-layered network of cooperating, distinct, or even competing social groups—from families and peer groups to corporations and political states. As such, social interactions between humans have established a wide variety of values, social norms, languages, and traditions (collectively termed institutions), each of which bolsters human society.

III. HIGHLY SOCIAL – as if an art form opposed to a science, one must not only enforce to find a comfortable balance regarding this subject, but also attune themselves into the identification of natural compatibility, emotional maturity, and self-interest of individuals they encounter. if one chooses to form a social attachment with a subject who’s imbalanced in any aforementioned concepts, a state of emotional/energetic hemorrhage may occur. ideally, one must invest the majority of their energy into those in which form a unified duality of mutual restoration with oneself; opposed to the inclination of self-sacrifice, fueled by a multitude of various factors. one must vigilantly prioritize themselves as to not grow tarnished in an act of preservation for not only themselves—but for the consistent nourishment of their otherwise deep-rooted connections in which an active catalyst has been established. avoid social martyrdom.

Humans are also highly curious: the desire to understand and influence phenomena has motivated humanity's development of science, technology, philosophy, mythology, religion, and other frameworks of knowledge; humans also study themselves through such domains as anthropology, social science, history, psychology, and medicine.

IV. HIGHLY CURIOUS – passions, as sacred as they can be bewildering, [sub]consciously occupy the largest percentage of our time. to be mystified by that of which is misunderstood may be one of life’s most-precious offerings. our pursuits in creativity reward us with a key which unlocks subliminal facets within our psyche, only to be comprehended at a later point in time. these lay the foundations at our primal core, and, as a divine mission which one chooses to either ignore or commence upon, choosing the latter inevitably trails the path toward self-actualization. a probable reason why we exist—without the ability to reference some comprehensive manual—is to polarize us toward what we will produce as an earth-bound monolith to perpetually inspire future generations of those impassioned by the very same mystical essence that once lay dormant within ourselves.

As of January 2024, there are more than 8 billion humans alive.

you uniquely represent 1 amongst eight billion.

radiate your inner light for those blind to the dark.

[not-poignant]

Im really sorry if this is too personal please ignore me if it is but i saw your post just at the right time and im just, im struggling in my twenties at the thought of possibly having did right now. And you say you "used to", can i ask how you healed?

A lot of therapy, anon.

It does tend to show up in someone's 20s, and I went the path of Internal Family Systems Therapy (also known as IFS or IFST) which is extremely useful alongside the three C's (Compassion, Communication, Co-Consciousness).

I wasn't aiming to eliminate any alters, and anyone who wanted to stay as a separate alter could, but I taught myself through the help of other/s to be self-compassionate, to open up opportunities and methods for communication (which also included art, writing, journalling, etc. in fact the very first tumblr that 'I' ever made was actually made by an alter, and was originally called artforartists - it's now renamed and run by 'me' because Dani has absorbed back into the system, but you can still go to the earliest entries and see her in them.

It took a few years and I didn't rush things. The main thing to know is that while it feels extreme, it usually comes about as a reasonable response to an unreasonable situation, and it usually becomes very manageable with self-compassion (to all yourselves), impartial judgement, open communication, compromise (i.e. if you have an alter that wants to play video games 24/7 to the point that you're losing weeks of memory, find out small areas of compromise where they can be given something in exchange for something), and sharing consciousness where possible (co-consciousness).

It's very scary at first but imho for me personally, it has been the 'easiest' of all of my diagnosed disorders to deal with. I still have severe treatment-resistant depression and I still have severe treatment-resistant PTSD/C-PTSD, but my DID went into remission after about 4 targeted years of therapy. It's now DDNOS (Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) which means I don't have the symptoms enough to qualify for DID anymore, but I still have a system prone to dissociation / derealisation / depersonalisation and I have days where some alters are fronting a bit more than the central self, but I usually just use it as a sign that I'm really stressed and overwhelmed, rather than a sign that there's something wrong with me.

I'm extremely zen about it, tbh. And look, I didn't have the goal of 'absorbing' my alters (or them dying or w/e), I didn't set out with the idea of getting rid of it so much as learning how to live with different people who have different opinions about things in my head. But through the course of IFST and giving everyone a voice, that started to happen anyway. Healing doesn't always mean 'getting rid of alters' it mostly just means getting a handle on the memory loss (which is the most severe part of the disorder for me) and the polarisation so that it becomes regular dissonance and not so distressing it causes someone to switch. A person can be fully healed from DID and still have alters that front, if there's co-consciousness and communication for example. This was actually what I was aiming for, it just didn't end up being my outcome.

You may not be able to access therapy or IFST, and it can be hard to find DID-friendly therapists who know what they're doing, but you can actually look up and explore IFST on places like Instagram and in books like No Bad Parts and start doing the work gently already. (IFST isn't just or only for DID patients, but it is uniquely very well suited to them).

It can be very scary at first, anon, to think you might have this. Because it's a highly stigmatised and misunderstood disorder. At its root it can be understood as 'a child who didn't understand how to cope with something, at the time of personality formation, just developed a new personality to deal with it. But as a result of this, their brain got so good at developing new personalities that it became a maladapted coping strategy, and as an adult they can learn ways to cope that aren't splitting, switching, or losing memory with compassion and self-understanding.'

And honestly we all have a lot of maladapted coping mechanisms and the whole journey of life is learning to unpack them, and repack some healthier coping mechanisms into the lunchbox. And that's really about it. Still very scary and upsetting to go through, but also not a mysterious, "insane" thing. <3333 If you can reach out for help, please consider it, but otherwise do look into IFST. I started working on those strategies long before I found a suitable therapist and I honestly feel like just the mindset of radical self-acceptance and self-compromise and self-compassion was - while extremely hard to do often - the key for me, and some of those things will at the very least be helpful for you.

[butchhamlet]

hi it's me again im the anon who dropped about 800 words about ocd hamlet a couple weeks ago (maybe longer, time has been weird for me lately).. it made me soo happy to see it resonated with you and with some other people who reblogged it as well!! i've been projecting on hamlet ever since i read it and it feels like every time i read it i learn more about him AND me... and ever since Symptoms showed up he's been even dearer to me and im just so glad people like my interpretation as well :)

i hope it's ok for me to do this again because i want to talk about what if lady macbeth has ocd also. and i know this is sort of well. dangerous if that's the right word because 1) lady macbeth IS the villain in her play even if i love her from the bottom of my heart and i support everything she does and ocd is already an incredibly stigmatised and misunderstood 2) hand washing is possibly THE most stereotyped compulsion that sort of epitomises this really warped view of ocd in the public consciousness. i personally do not have handwashing as a compulsion or really any physical compulsions that are direct responses to my intrusive thoughts so i will try to be really really careful when im talking about this. + other disclaimers: again while i have definitely experienced symptoms of ocd i do not know if i have it and i am NOT diagnosed + ocd experiences are different for everyone + you cannot diagnose a character because they are not real + this one is mostly projection and is more a frame of reading than it is an interpretation grounded in textual evidence (esp since i will be talking about the sleepwalking asleep a LOT and she is technically, well. sleeping.) so just. take everything with a pinch of salt and please let me know if i ever overstep!!

im mainly going to be drawing on experiences close to real event ocd even though i know that typically real event ocd is defined by the fact that the sufferer blows their past mistakes way out of proportion and/or question their memories, and i guess i cannot say that lady macbeth’s guilt is completely unjustified because uh. she did kill a man.! but i do think her behaviours after the murder reflects what i’ve seen people speak about online as well as some of the experiences i’ve had. 

guilt as illness

this is more general to the whole play i guess but i wanted to point out how the consequences of the macbeths’ regicide is absolutely portrayed as a disease. there’s a LOT of foreshadowing in lady macbeth’s advice to her husband in the immediate aftermath of their murder: she tells him not to “think / so brain sickly of things”, and says, “these deeds must not be thought / after these ways so, it will make us mad”. (2.ii) the doctor later alludes to “infected minds” (5.i) in relation to lady macbeth’s madness. the fact that the fixation on guilt is seen as an illness i think fits so well with ocd: whenever im having a bad day with intrusive thoughts and mental spirals it genuinely feels like there is something festering in my brain like a parasite feeding on anxiety. 

guilt is also so intrinsically linked to sleep in macbeth: famously macbeth comes out of the king’s chamber ranting about how he may “sleep no more; macbeth doth murder sleep”, and lady macbeth’s obsession pours out of her when she is sleeping (and this is exactly why a doctor is called). i would argue that fucked up sleep is somewhat presented as an illness in ‘macbeth’ too; or if not, at least unnatural. this idea is all over act 2 scene ii (right after macbeth commits the murder) but i think it’s best epitomised in act 3 scene iv: “you lack the season of all natures, sleep.” (lady macbeth) season as in both night-season and seasoning/preservative. so sleep is both a natural part of life, and something that keeps things the way nature or god intended. the doctor says too that disturbed sleep is “a great perturbation in nature” (5.i). nightmares are DEFINITELY depicted as illness: macbeth says that they “sleep / in the affliction of these terrible dreams / that shake us nightly” (3.ii)

insomnia is highly associated with ocd since the obsessions/compulsions prevent sleep and sleep deprivation increases the commonality AND duration of obsession. if a significant portion of your day is spent devoted to obsessions/compulsions, there’s a chance they may become assimilated into intrusive dreams, since dreams are generally regarded as a way that the brain processes memories. thus, we can see that the way guilt in ‘macbeth’ is linked to disturbed sleep parallels how ocd is linked to sleep disorders. so not only is guilt itself an illness in ‘macbeth’, it links to other disorders too

2. withdrawal from dialogue

lady macbeth stops being on equal footing in terms of number of lines with macbeth after the murder. from act 3 she really only responds briefly to what macbeth says, and she’s not even in act 4. i sort of see that as her being dragged under her spiralling thoughts and retreating further and further back into her mind. i know i definitely zone out a LOT more on days where im being absolutely bombarded by intrusive thoughts. she’s definitely disoriented by the begining of act 3:

nought’s had, all's spent, where our desire is got without content. ’tis safer to be that which we destroy, than by destruction dwell in doubtful joy. (3.ii)

the whole soliloquy (if you can even call it that—it’s only 2 couplets) is riddled with paradoxes and confusing wording. her mind is completely scattered and it feels to me as if she’s just been arguing with herself. this might be reaching slightly (as if this entire post isnt kind of reaching already. sorry) but to me it kind of mirrors the absurd leaps of logic my intrusive thoughts and rumination can sometimes take: how can it be “safer” to be destroyed? how can “joy” be doubtful? it doesn’t make sense, and it’s confusing and frightening, but it feels absolutely real. (also note: as you’ve said before ocd is sometimes called the doubting disease. and lady macbeth calls her experience “doubtful”….

3. the mad scene

(disclaimer again i KNOW she is supposed to be asleep the entire time BUT i am going to. sort of. ignore that. sorry</3)

in the beginning of act 5 scene i, lady macbeth’s lady-in-waiting says,

since his majesty went into the field, I have seen her rise from her bed, throw her nightgown upon her, unlock her closet, take forth paper, fold it, write upon't, read it, afterwards seal it, and again return to bed — yet all this while in a most fast sleep.

i’ve never experienced physical compulsions myself, but this sort of repeated, methodical act matches how i’ve seen people describe them. the doctor specifically calls them “actual performances”, which suggest, i think, something mechanical and dictated in some way; “perform” is definitely a word i’ve seen people use to descrive carrying out compulsions. (do correct me if i’m wrong!)

then let’s look at lady macbeth’s actual speech:

out, damned spot, out, I say. — one, two — why, then, 'tis time to do't. — hell is murky. — fie, lord, fie, a soldier, and afeard! what need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. she goes from reflecting on her debillitating guilt, to being anxious about going to hell, to replaying and checking her memories, to reassuring herself (and macbeth) that she won’t get caught, and then to thinking about her guilt again. it’s a rapid-fire, relentless cycle that continues throughout the scene. she’ll jump from reenacting a moment with her husband, to the obsessing over the blood on her hands, then back again. notably, in her address to macbeth, she never seems to be reenacting the exact same moment. she taunts him for his cowardice seemingly before the murder, then pleads with him, saying that “banquo cannot come out his grave”, then goes back to when they are fleeing the crime scene. i think this reflects the sort of distortion of memory that constant memory checking and ocd can cause. the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days. 

in the entire scene, lady macbeth speaks in prose instead of verse: it’s obviously a sign of madness by itself, but i also think it reflects the complete loss of control she has over her thoughts and actions. in the beginning acts she is all about control: she demands “spirits / that tend on mortal thoughts” (1.v) to do her bidding, she tells macbeth to “leave all the rest to me” (1.v), and she tells him what to do at every moment. but at this point in the play she can’t stop the onslaught of regrets, guilt, and memories, and she can’t even control herself physically.

speaking of the elephant in the room: the excessive handwashing. i think of lady macbeth’s handwashing as less of a reaction to a genuine fear of contamination, but as something more akin to body-repetitive behaviours like skin-picking (dermatillomania) and hair-pulling (trichitillomania, which i think i have) which are associated with ocd.

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

i know that another common compulsion is counting: and lady macbeth does count (“one, two—’tis time to do it.”) one of the reasons people with ocd may count (and there are many reasons, this is not the be-all-end-all) is “attaching meaning to particular numbers where certain numbers will induce anxiety, while others will reduce anxiety. for example, if you assign special meaning to the number three, you might count your steps by threes, or lock and unlock your car three times before driving, or any variety of other action ruled by this magic number.” (<- quoted from nocd website)

i also know that repetition of words or phrases is another common compulsion. and these are lady macbeth's final lines:

to bed, to bed; there's knocking at the gate. come, come, come, come, give me your hand. what's done cannot be undone. — to bed, to bed, to bed.

4. her death

in your ocd hamlet post, you talked about how hamlet’s death is almost peaceful in his “silence”, and how horatio, despite knowing all his flaws and obsessions, believes wholeheartedly in his salvation. (that honestly means the world to me, by the way, so thank you.) the macbeths went through EVERYTHING together: the planning, the crime itself, the aftermath—it’s clear from their dialogue that at the beginning of their sufferings they saw each other go through sleeplessness, nightmares, and obsession. but over the course of the play, they completely fall apart. (i think the last time macbeth uses “we” to refer to the two of them is to say “we’ll to sleep” and “we are yet but young in deed”, which is the most ironic thing ever.) macbeth’s only response to lady macbeth’s death is “she should have died hereafter.” i honestly don’t know what that means in terms of the ocd reading, or in comparison with horatio's reaction to hamlet's death. i'd love to know what you think.

thanks for bearing with me!! i’m a bit less confident in this reading than i am for ocd hamlet, and it’s more likely i’ll get something wrong about ocd in this one, but sorry i just wanted to unleash this somewhere i hope that’s okay and genuinely please tell me if i say anything wrong or insensitive! i also typed this over 3 hours and went over the text as if this was a homework essay.....? and it is now almost 2am so i’m sorry if this isn’t coherent. i hope you’re having a wonderful day :)

hi same anon here i forgot to put this in but. i listened to verdi macbeth opera mad scene una macchia è qui tuttora the whole time i was writing that thing in case anyone would like to know...... i love it so so much my favourite video recording is by sylvia sass on youtube https://youtu.be/tP59Ox8MdQ4?feature=shared&t=319 AND there are full productions of the opera on youtube as well. thank you so much for reading!!!!

YES.... YES..... YESSSSSSSSSS I LOVE AN OCD LADY MACBETH... IT'S ABOUT THE GUILT IT'S ABOUT THE REPETITION DOES EVERYONE HEAR ME? TODAY WE ARE DOING GUILT AND REPETITION

i have had similar thoughts about the sort of inherent trickiness of it (oh, the lady who washes her hands a lot has ocd? whoa, totally original thought that has nothing to do with pop culture perception of ocd) (and also she did kill a man). but you really said it all with that ksdhfdksnfdsn. i will pitch in that i DO have handwashing compulsions and tbh. i personally think lady macbeth ocd reading is a net win even if it does trail a little close to stereotypes because if you dig even slightly deeper than "haha handwashing" it allows for an examination of ocd not just as an action but also as a manifestation of guilt and illness. which is SO macbeth. the body politic is sick the government is sick!!! again im taking the words right out of your mouth here this ask whips ass

shaking your hand on conceiving of ocd as something parasitical. really feels like there is some Thing up there feeding on my brain. (also on intrusive thought dreams. fucked upppppp like man leave me alone)

AND ON THAT NOTE i feel like even if she is asleep it can still be ocd. i say this with no medical training whatsoever and this isn't, like, me asserting that people actually do compulsions while asleep, but on a narrative level, the emotional processes happening to her character are petty clear even if she's sleepwalking, right. once again no medical training whatsoever

the jumping around of her thoughts honestly feels exactly like my mind alternating between intrusive thoughts and desperately trying to justify why they aren’t true. [...] the moodswings and the flip-flopping between “everything’s fine” and “i’m going to hell” are also SO intense and honestly it’s exactly what it feels like on my worst days.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. the ugly intrusive thought -> self-reassurance -> self-reassurance makes it worse -> intrusive thought (harder and worse) spiral. and literally this is EXACTLY what it feels like. me when i accidentally say something rude and then i'm evil for three days. except she killed a man

i sort of headcanon lady macbeth to have absolutely horrible skin splits on her hands (<- this part is complete projection): and so following this interpretation, i think of her handwashing sort of as a form of self-flagellation because rubbing her hands continually will make the skin tear and bleed. (gore tw?) that, then, fits in with the blood on her hands: in her semi-conscious state she thinks it’s duncan’s, when it’s really hers.

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH. ON AN ANALYTICAL LEVEL AND A PERSONAL LEVEL. LITERALLY THE LEAPS I CAN DO IN MY BEAUTIFUL MIND TO BE LIKE WOW IM JUST LIKE LADY MACBETH (BLOOD ON MY HANDS). YOU N ME BROTHER

and re: her death and the macbeths splintering apart. that is honestly the most painful part of this play for me, as a lover of evil couples and also of their specific dynamic. the fact that they mesh so well at the beginning (i mean, they argue, there's friction, but they're clearly on the same page--they enter their first shared scene both thinking the same thing and a lot of their communication is in implication) and then they just. fragment. and i think with the OCD ladymac reading it's even worse, because the thing about OCD at least in my experience is that. at some point the people around you stop being able to understand what the fuck your problem is. even when they're trying really hard. because it doesn't make any sense! the compulsions don't make logical sense the self-flagellation doesn't make any sense none of it is SOLVING anything but it also does make sense, To You, on a level you cannot really explain to people that don't Get It*. and so like. the macbeths are already breaking apart because of their responses to the murder, and this is just one more thing coming between them. she is trapped in a cage in her brain that he cannot see.

*(i think not infrequently about the overlap between OCD and psychosis; i haven't experienced psychosis and obviously there are major differences, but i relate a lot to what psychotic people have said about, like, the ability to hold multiple contradictory truths at once. my compulsions will not actually stop disasters from happening, but they also will. you could maybe pull in something about macbeth's parallel loss of control + his hallucinations? but i'm not diagnosing macbeth with psychosis necessarily i'm just saying words).

anyway, anon, i am always extremely impressed by your dedication to writing out quotes and coming armed with evidence, and also your analysis fucking bangs. this is such a good ask i need to frame it on the wall your mind is huge. i hope you have a wonderful day as well :)

[avoidantrecovery]

many many moons ago, when i was still in school, a boy confessed to me. or maybe he confessed to me, the thing is i don't think i'll ever know.

this avoidant thing is a real bitch, and quite frankly i don't know how others do it. when i wake up, feeling a bit less crazy than usual, i just have to remember this event and yeah, no normal person does this, but also idk.

we were on a school trip and i was smitten, okay? the kind of crush you can only have when you're seventeen. but at the same time, remember i am already in depth of my avoidance. in the depths of not talking about myself or connecting with others genuinely. i don't talk about this crush, he is a secret i harbour in the deepest depths of my consciousness, you couldn't have tortured his name out of me at that point. i couldn't even admit this crush to myself, even my diary is devoid of any mention of him. but when i saw him in school, my head would turn towards him like a freaking sunflower towards the sun, whilst hoping i was not too obvious about it all. did i mention that i sat next to him at the time, we shared a double desk lol.

so, fall turned into winter and nothing much changed. despite sharing a desk, we were not close and only exchanged a few polite words every day. every now and then he'd rope me into small conversations, but i was convinced he was just polite or perhaps it was just some ploy to get me to get my guard down/humiliate myself. (this was the peer-abuse trauma still reverberating). in fact i would try to observe if he was talking to others this way, too. and though i never saw him do it, i just shrugged it off. i may have had a crush on him, but there was no way it could happen the other way around.

winter turned into early spring and our school trip finally came. it was a week-long school exchange to a neighbouring country. half way through the week, we went to the morning assembly of our partner school with our exchange partners and all we had to do is sit around since we didn't speak their language. anyway, suddenly, this boy was on the stage with his partner and locked eyes with me and said something in their language. i just sat there looking kind of out of place and then the moment passed. i never understood what he actually said or whether he said it to me or just my general direction. my exchange partner, a really sweet girl, tapped me on my shoulders and was like, "i think..., i think he just said he likes you". and the only way i can explain what happened next, because i was shaken to the core and scared, is that trauma brain kicked in, because i just said "oh no, i don't think so" and that was that. regardless of whether that was a weird way to confess or not, in front of everyone, or i misunderstood the situation, that moment felt like death to me, that i narrowly managed to escape. also, strangely enough he never brought it up again either.

it's only recently i have been able to put together what i think happened (at least on my end). i've mentioned a couple of times how, much earlier than that, when i was a new kid in sixth grade, my classmates nearly drowned me. well, what i didn't mention is how it happened, it involved a lot of gaslighting me into believing they were my friends, a lot of lying and pretending essentially. and the day it happened, i had already decided that these classmates of mine were bad and that i would be very careful around them. ironically enough it was also a school trip, a daytrip to a pool. anyway, they spent the whole day trying to get back into my good graces, because i was fine playing on my own and just doing my own thing, ignoring them, i was grayrocking them pretty much.

but then this little hopeful voice in me kind of came up and said, but what if..., what if they actually finally want to be your friend? that voice was good and brave and hopeful and essentially it's that voice that we all have, that pushes us over the edge when we need that extra push to be brave, you know? and it told me how nice it would be to have friends to play with and not be alone. it told me to put my doubts aside and just try. i told them i wasn't a strong swimmer, and they insisted that that was no issue and they'd take me to the deep end with them no issue. and so i went with them. and just when i took that leap of faith, they left me alone for dead, nearly drowning me. it nearly cost me my life. and i think from that day onwards, that voice has been quiet. the one that makes us take a leap, you know?

and so i think when my crush locked eyes with me and said whatever it is he said, i was essentially (without being aware of it in the moment obv.) in the same situation, the kind that needs you to be vulnerable, have hope, be brave and take that leap of faith. and instead i felt like i was dying (drowning?) and just wanted to get out of the situation as fast as i could, like that kind of situation that needs you to be brave is also a trauma trigger. and i was convinced that it was just some ploy to trick me or humiliate me or maybe he lost a bet or sth, and i was not a dummy, i wasn't going to fall for that.

another moment that i remember from that trip is the whole class being invited to this youth center type place to hang out in the evening. since we were all scattered across the little town, his exchange partner who happened to live close to mine, offered to drive us but when they came to pick us up, he asked whether i wanted to watch a movie at his exchange partners house instead. i remember saying, we can't just watch a movie together, the others will wonder where we are. i didn't say no lol. but we ended up going to the youth center place. but the thing is, he never asked me watch movies when we were back home, why there? and again, he never brought it up again.

anyway, this is a story that has just been knocking about in my head recently when dealing with limerence and trauma and all this. i guess i'm writing it in an effort to "talk about me" from the quote i linked above. and since i don't have anyone i could possibly tell this story irl, typing it out will do for now. i'm kind of hoping this will purge it out of my system hopefully.

fun fact, because of the kind of job he does now, i had the pleasure of being jumpedscared by him on a billboard near my place. i also looked him up recently in the hopes of finding some anti-limerence information, so my digust (or disinterest) would finally help me put this chapter to rest. i went in thinking i will find some information that will just make me think ewwwww, but instead i folded as soon as i opened his insta. i folded like the weak bitch that i am, what can i say, he still has great arms. 🤷🏾‍♀️

if you've read this far, i am so sorry 😭😭

[multiplicity-positivity]

Shoutout to systems who formed alongside or because of psychological disorders!

This post is for systems whose plurality is due to or influenced by autism, psychosis, schizophrenia, or other psychological disorders. Whether or not your system is disordered, it’s common to be neurodivergent in more ways than one!

🌻 Shoutout to systems with complex dissociative disorders whose trauma stems from being mistreated or misunderstood due to a psychological disorder! 🌻

🌿 Shoutout to systems who formed consciously or unconsciously to cope with their other disorders! 🌿

🌱 Shoutout to systems who use xeno origin labels like autigenic, hallucigenic, psygenic, scizogenic, and more to describe their system! 🌱

🪷 Shoutout to systems whose plurality exacerbates symptoms of their other disorders! 🪷

🍀 Shoutout to systems who struggled to figure out if they were plural due to their psychological disorders! 🍀

🌷Shoutout to singlets who spent time thinking they were plural because of the symptoms of their other disorders! 🌷

🍃 Shoutout to systems who struggled to recognize their plurality due to them experiencing reality different from neurotypical people! 🍃

Brains are so diverse and complex, and no two people experience plurality the same way! Whether your system brings you relief or causes you more distress, please know you are a welcome and important part of the plural community.

We hope y’all can flourish and grow as a system as you learn more about yourselves and learn how to navigate the world with your psychological disorders! It’s not easy to exist as a neurodivergent system in a neurotypical singlets’ world. We just want y’all to know that we see you, we’re here for you, we relate to your struggles, and we wish you the very best!

(Image ID:) A pale orange userbox with a cluster of multicolored flowers for the userbox image. The border and text are both dark orange, and the text reads “all plurals can interact with this post!” (End ID)

[hyumjim]

if we are to go through all of these classics one by one because they are funny

"has a literal slavery fetish" = enjoyed popular gay fantasy book series "captive prince" by CS pacat. 3.8/5 stars on goodreads with 88,371 ratings. it's me, i'm the problem it's me. verdict: FALSE

"makes jokes comparing bi people to donald trump" I literally have no idea what this refers to but since we're all literally calling him a faggot now i think this would probably be a huge hit post in 2023. verdict: UNKNOWN

"[makes jokes?] comparing nonbinary people to terfs" again your guess is as good as mine with this one. could have literally been any post that i made about anything because the writer here is capable of dramatic feats of reinterpretation. it is my educated guess that they misunderstood something i posted, which may or may not have been a joke. verdict: CONFUSING

"said all muslims need to be held accountable for terrorism" While once again I have no idea what this refers to, I can confidently say that it is made up entirely because it is not something I have ever even thought consciously or otherwise with my brain. truly outrageous. verdict: FALSE

"has reblogged nsfw art of teenage characters as an adult" Indeed i reblogged some gay doujin fanart of characters from homoerotic anime "free!" which were probably 16-18 years old, when I was probably 19-21 years old AT MOST. verdict: LOCK HER UP

[sonderwrit]

C117: BUG

I Have to Be a Great Villain - Masterpost

(Note that author also put out a mini-chapter 116.5 which is just diary entries, but I'll translate that later.)

Author's 木火然 Weibo post:

Translation: I sincerely invite everyone to look at the Demon Clan Wang Yi (not really). There's a lot of plot with this arc, wrote myself to death with it, there'll probably be plenty of dialogue going forwards!

(Qin Xian's dialogue bubble gets blurry)

Qin Xian: Disciple…

QX: Disciple.

QX: Disciple!

Wang Yi: ?!

WY: Master…? What happened to me?

QX: Disciple's true qi suddenly turned chaotic during breakthrough and Master couldn't call you awake.

WY: (I seemed to have seen something ominous just then. What invading army? And there was a mountain of corpses…)

QX: !

QX: (Why would he see hallucinations in his inner consciousness? Is it the beginning of cultivation deviation, or the awakening of an unusual bloodline?)

WY: Then…am I all right like this? Will it be like the book where the disciple had a troublesome secret for the Master?

WY: (These strange visions appeared in my childhood too.)

QX: …..

QX: It won't. Is there anywhere else you're uncomfortable?

S-0: ……

S-0: (Huh, are these signs of the villainous supporting character showing themselves?) <- *misunderstood*

S-0: [The original villainous senior brother Immortal Sovereign Wan Yi* did have a bloodline from the demon race. Otherwise, he wouldn't have rebelled during the Daoist-Demon War in the latter half of the story.]

*Immortal Sovereign Wan Yi is Wang Yi's daoist name

S-0: (Thank goodness Host's memories are sealed. If his brain was running off like a train and the Sword Saint, [slaughterer of all demons under heaven], read his mind, the story would end just like that.)

—

???: Sword Saint Qin?

???: You're Sword Saint Qin, right?

QX/WY: ?

???: As expected.

[Luo Wenliu - Protagonist shou of Defying the Gods, originally expected to show up one year later.]

Luo Wenliu: I am the sect leader's new disciple Luo Wenliu. I have the ability to divine Heavenly secrets.

LWL: Hurry and get away from fim. Your disciple Wang Yi—

*uncorks*

LWL: —is a snake demon!

S-0: (WTH?!)

S-0: [Isn't the protagonist shou Luo Wenliu supposed to join the sect a year later after being noticed by the Sword Saint?]

S-0: (Why did he show up early?)

S-0: (He even knows about Wang Yi's demonic bloodline, as if he just showed up to tattle.)

S-0: [Could it be another transmigrator? Let me connect to the other System to see…]

-SYSTEM FOUND…- *zzzap* -SEARCH RESULTS SHOW NO EXISTENCE OF OTHER SYSTEMS.-

S-0: ?

S-0: (What was that just then, me seeing things? Strange, I thought it found something, but it suddenly disappeared.) [Refreshing it is useless too.]

S-0: Could it be…

S-0: An actual world BUG—appeared? (That's way too much of a coincidence!)

—

LWL: That there, it's a bit sudden, but after divining the results, I came to find you straightaway.

WY: *hisses in pain*

LWL: Although you might not know who I am yet.

S-0: (In any case…)

S-0: (Since the Main System is here, I have to report it.)

LWL: But I can tell you lots of things only you know, so please believe m e.

QX: Oh. *turns away emotionlessly*

LWL: Sword Saint, believe me! *darts in front*

LWL: Disciple genuinely wants to help you.

LWL: Because…

[I lived a lifetime in this world…]

[But for some reason, regressed to Heaven's chosen one as a child.]

LWL: I…regressed?

[With memories of my previous life intact.]

LWL: Then can I find my lovers ahead of time and stop the Daoist-Demon War?

White cat: Meow~

LWL: Because disciple has divined that disciple is—

LWL: YOUR FUTURE DAO COMPANION!

—

QX: ("Regressed"?)

QX: Little friend*, please don't lie.

*little friend - 小友 xiaoyou, common way for Daoists to refer to well, acquaintences and stuff,  like "kid" or "fellow"

QX: Let's go, he's probably not telling the truth.

*WY grabs his wrist*

QX: ?

QX: What is it, disciple?

WY: Ah, sorry.

WY: I grabbed on without realizing it.

WY: (Eh?)

WY: (What was I thinking about just then.)

WY: (My chest suddenly feels tight after smelling the wine in that child's hand.)

WY: (As if something important…was taken away by someone.)

—

FLASHBACK

Qin Xian (X): Apologies, this is the only way to get you back.

QX: Don't blame me.

BA-THUMP–

—

LWL: Hey, did you guys hear what I say? Sword Saint, you're being tricked by him!

LWL: Senior brother Wang has the blood of the snake clan, he'll definitely betray the sect and you in the future.

LWL: This gourd holds realgar wine capable of forcing the snake demon to reveal its true form. Senior brother's obviously affected by it, doesn't Sword Saint get it yet?

WY: Urk—

QX: Disciple?

QX: Little friend Luo, please close the lid of the wine.

WY: Hahhh— hiss—

LWL: ….!

LWL: Sword Saint…no way, right?

LWL: Aren't you supposed to slaughter all demons under Heaven?

LWL: Didn't you say you liked me the most?

LWL: Was it all a lie?!

QX: (You're the one who can't tell human from demons.)

QX: (Forget it, since it's Wu Zhen's disciple, I'll leave the discipline to him.)

LWL: ?!

LWL: Sword Saint, please wait!

LWL: As long as Sword Saint speaks a little longer with this disciple, you'll understand my good points and who's truly treating you with sincerity.

LWL: Disciple believes that Sword Saint Qin has a righteous mind to see right from wrong.

LWL: So I'll follow you from now on until you see Senior Brother Wang's true nature, and severely punish the snake demon—

WY: You're so noisy.

WY: Snake demon this, snake demon that, there should be limits to what you say!

WY: When was it ever a little kid's right to tell Master what to do?

LWL: *startled!*

WY: As I see it, the one who's problematic—should be you, right?

WY: (Hahah, the pain's killing me. Why did the seal on my memories break?) [But there's no time to think, I need to assume my character role.]

—

Sword Sect's Disicple-Raising Diary (Pt. 4)

XX Year XX Month XX Day Clear skies, my disciple doesn't seem to have a rebellious phase?

QX: *studying contents of book* WY: ZZzz…

XX Year XX Month XX Day I really think he has none.

WY: ?

XX Year XX Month XX Day He does.

WY: I grabbed on without realizing it.

—