#making me wanna kms even more

[montimer]

Getting pretty bored of hearing "its so fucking ugly" after walking next to someone. Like yeah haha i look like shit, but for the 100th time its just expected. Only been called handsome once, when i cosplayed jeff the killer. And that happened online too. Kinda funny. Wish ppl would just stop judging

[purpurussy]

I know this is 100% my personal problem and idk if anyone can relate but as an afab person with some weird gender shit going on I kinda hate it whenever dnp make jokes like "you know us we don't like pussy/tits" etc like 😭 I love that they have fully healed from the comphet "fyi I like vagina" era but I hate being made to feel like a Woman™ because of my anatomy if that makes sense. Like my brain interprets it as "we don't like those traits because they make you a woman and we're gay" idk it gives me like a weird wave of dysphoria every time they say it 😭😭 the first time I watched BIG I interpreted Dan's monologue about "I don't care what kind of anatomy you've got going on, I don't feel attracted to the signs on bathroom doors" as being like trans inclusive but I fear he's walked it back with these constant jokes dsdfghjkl and to be clear I'm not saying anyone is obligated to find me or my body type attractive like that's not what this is about. It's just the equation of genitals/anatomy with gender idk. And this is not even really something that's specific to dnp and I know there's a lot of discourse about genital preferences or whatever idk idk maybe I should've just sent this to phannieconfessions and allowed everyone to take it in the worst possible faith over there. I just need to get it off my chest

[unheavenlybody]

i wanna quit my job so bad but i like having money obviously i just gotta make it thru the holidays at least jesus christt. it shouldnt affect me so much but i hate it so much its not even hard but still draining

[koko2unite]

so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(

[olberic]

i wanna hear your law talesofarise thoughts then

ohh this is a can of worms you’re opening rn. im so obsessed with this guy and am always thinking about how the game does him dirty so please share in this with me

(obviously spoilers ahead for tales of arise) (and a few for beyond the dawn)

(and yes im being dead serious about this)

more than anything else or any of the major criticisms you hear about tales of arise, literally my biggest problem with it is how law is treated, both by the other party members and by the writing itself.

so let’s start with why law immediately caught my attention as a character at the beginning: hes a turncoat! he’s a dahnan actively working with the renans! the story bring you straight from calaglia, where that would have been UNTHINKABLE, to show you “hey! not only do dahnans work with the renans, some of them go so far as to prioritize that work over their own family!” which is fascinating! we get thrown into a fight with law, where he clearly uses the same fighting skills as his father, he has calaglian instrumentation in his fight music, and he doesnt show any mercy. all this while knowing hes going to become a party member! because then we learn through the course of that chapter (and a little bit later in the game) that law’s working there under duress, that he watched his comrades be killed in front of him, that he was left alive if he joined with the snake eyes. and he still has nightmares about that. we learn that he DOESNT hate his father, just left on bad terms and couldnt reconcile with his father’s way of being a father. he couldnt stand how overbearing and patronizing zephyr was, and the first thing zephyr does when they reunite is do exactly that! no wonder law was frustrated at him! but then you get to see his absolute loneliness as a dahnan working for the snake eyes. he gets no sympathy from the renans who treat him as other because hes a dahnan, and active dislike from dahnans because hes working with renans. but if his other option was to be killed, then we as the audience have to ask if this was a decision that’s sympathetic. but we do get this conversation:

law: “i never did tell you how i ended ip hanging around with the snake eyes, did i?”

alphen: “not properly. all i know is you had a falling-out with your dad and ran away from home.”

law: “getting to cyslodia almost killed me. once there, though, i actually ended up joining a resistance organization, believe it or not. of course, before long someone ratted us out, and we were ambushed by the snake eyes. i’d never seen such brutality. if i hadn’t surrendered…”

alphen: “law?”

law: “i don't know why they let me live. they made me watch as they butchered my friends right in front of my eyes. i still have nightmares. i hear roars of zeugles as my friends scream, the snow stained red with blood. and all the while those bastards, laughing. i thought that with ganabelt defeated, i’d be able to put it all behind me. turns out that was a little optimistic. i was terrified they would kill me, too. so i wound up betraying the memory of my friends, and getting my old man killed in the process. i wonder if i’m any braver now. what if one day i panic again, and end up running away like always?”

alphen: “and leave us behind? you really think you’d do that?”

law: “i hope not. but who’s to say what i’m really capable of?”

[lies down]

so there’s the whole thing with law trying to free zephyr and fight back against the snake eyes. as a dahnan that’d be a death sentence even if it weren’t coming from a member of the snake eyes. and yes cyslodia’s built on betrayal, but it establishes law as somebody who betrayed his father, who betrayed his people, and who betrayed his pledged loyalty. it also establishes that when push comes to shove, he cant stand by as an observer and enforcer — hes a protector at heart. and it gets proven again and again throughout the game when hes the first one to jump into things that he isnt made to be an observer! as a person hes so fundamentally opposed to what the snake eyes do but still managed to be convinced to work with them for his own well being. we see in beyond the dawn that he experiences deep regret for what he did and for how he was directly responsible for the suffering of other dahnans he sent to the pylons. hell, even when alphen gets him come along with them, theres this little interaction:

law: its not like theres anyone waiting for me in calaglia either. …plenty of ditches along the road. maybe i’ll find one to die in.”

alphen: “how about a fresh start?”

law: “after the kinds of things ive done? i don't know where id even begin.”

so we need to keep in mind that even if he doesnt talk about it, even if he puts on a front, that he a) thinks hes irredeemable, b) feels intense guilt for what hes done, c) still has nightmares about seeing his friends be killed, and d) is living with the knowledge that if it weren’t for his actions, his father would still be alive. (and its important to note that he recognizes it’s not just his own personal loss, he’s well aware how deeply zephyr’s death affects both the party and the crimson crows.)

and here i’ve got to talk about an under appreciated law detail that i love about him so very much: law, the loudmouthed, immature-acting brawler of the party, has the capacity and skills to have been a great snake eye. look — we saw how he acted with zephyr. but in the “stowaway law” skit he says “eh, lets just say i’ve always had a knack for sneaking around since i was little” to explain how he escaped calaglia. hell, for months, as a kid in a brand new realm, he managed to join a resistance cell and avoid getting caught (for a while). when he helps zephyr escape, he uses smoke bombs. when the party is getting tailed by kisara in viscint, hes not only the only person who notices, he manages to fall back, sneak up on HER unaware, and get a blade to her throat! the woman who's supposed to be the best guardsman in the realm! in beyond the dawn, he can sense the party's being followed and calls out nazamil even when she's invisible. and when that zeugle is attacking pharia ranch, law's the first person to be able to track this invisible creature. law’s perceptive, sneaky, unafraid to dirty his hands for the sake of others, and this trait is soooo fucking underutilized in this game…

which probably brings me to why i cant stand tales of arise sometimes. for every incident of law doing this, or showing literally any emotional vulnerability, theres three incidents of the other party members (rinwell) disparaging him. and it pisses me off SO MUCH. its obvious from that first conversation when he joins the party that while he does have a lighthearted nature, hes got a ton of guilt and self-hatred and regret that take precedence, and he’ll put on a joking front to cover that up. because how can he let himself be who is he when he just got his father killed? and this slips out plenty of times in the game — tons of skits have him start to bring up how it felt to lose his father — but every goddamn time he starts to talk about himself, rinwell insults him.

im not fucking joking! ive played this game twice through. i copy down every skit and conversation that law’s involved in for the entire game. law can’t get a fucking SENTENCE out about who he is as a person without rinwell insulting him. the game tries to play this off as banter when its ALWAYS one sided. rinwell gets to have her emotional scenes with other characters without law jumping in. hell, if she starts to be serious with him, he listens! but heaven forbid he get the same respect in turn! and its not just her. shionne never hears him out (and hell, i love shionne the most, but i really dont like that part of her) and its clear she doesnt see much past his front. kisara and dohalim both see him as totally immature.

“but zad,” you say, “law IS immature.” yeah! of course he is! hes 16 and hes never been allowed to have a childhood! hes been involved with the crimson crows since the day he was born! he escapes calaglia as a kid! hes had time to join a resistance cell and end up working with the snake eyes all by the time he’s 16!!! he says it himself, traveling with the party is the first time hes been allowed to be himself. he wears silly wolf decorations because he thinks they look cool and he doesnt have anywhere else to put them. he playfights with alphen. he lets himself have fun in fights. he (unsuccessfully) flirts. he eats good food and learns to cook. hes got immature taste because hes a teenager. i know i sure was the same! he makes ill-timed jokes because he hasnt been able to be a normal part of friendly conversation before. he has a hard time reading other people because he’s only had people patronize him or suspect him until now.

but the fact is that for all his silliness and immaturity, he is more than that. hes sneaky and traumatized and guilt-ridden and has such a big heart that the first things he does when finding himself is to protect others. (hell, he even says “if im not training, its easy for me to get anxious.” ) and it frequently feel like the writers forget his backstory and motivations and treat him solely as comic relief and as a tool to develop other characters (rinwell).

the most egregious example of this is the almeidrea incident, which i can hardly watch. law’s a character who joins the party and immediately gets revenge on the guy who killed his father (which is still an awesome scene), realizes that doesnt bring him back or undo law’s complicity, then stews with that knowledge and doesnt tell anybody. i love a good revenge plot, but i can see where he comes from when he says “killing the person who wronged you doesnt undo what they did”. but what really and utterly kills me is that all of that is a throwaway line used to develop rinwell’s story. time and time again in this game law’s completely disregarded and im honestly so fucking sick of it 😭 the most we get is this line:

alphen: “law left home because of how much he hated his father. i think law spent a lot of time thinking about how they never got to make things right. and if i had to guess, killing ganabelt didn't make any of those feelings go away.”

and the handful of good scenes (law’s pep talk to alphen when shionne’s kidnapped, law’s conversation with the traitor dahnan and the informants)

so yeah. i dont have a conclusion to this. i adore that law’s a traitor and hes sneaky and hes competent and fights like his dad and wears a silly wolf decoration and lives with unimaginable guilt and has nightmares and has favourite foods and flirts badly and likes being a farmer. im just like cheering for this guy and supporting him unconditionally because the game itself sure won’t.

[faaun]

lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake

[imwritesometimes]

anyone else up til 3am on a Saturday learning all the specifics of edible lace for cake decorating?

[vvyrmwood]

🙃 what is it with creeps coming in and soliciting me for s*x whenever i present femme at work

[fvckednddistvrbed]

i ate a lot today, not as much as other days, but still im disappointed with myself and starting to feel sick. why cant i be good at restriction? god this makes me wanna sh so fucking bad

[triglycercule]

tfw when you get a rush of inspiration and the scattered pieces in your head connect >>>>

[ashyfurz]

wanting fucked up elements in your comic vs people have 0 media literacy and reading comprehension and will probably call it "irredeemable media"

[gu6chan]

99% just my autism speaking here but something ive been noticing lately that im sorta kinda 😶 about is when ppl are like "I think you'll like this" but not bc they ACTUALLY think you'll like it, rather they just got into it and want you to also get into it so "I think you'll like this" is a nice personal hook. i love chill stuff as much as any other person ofc but given i don't divulge that EVER, what makes you think my berserk reading, made in abyss watching, drakengard playing ass would like YURU CAMP????

[paanya]

how many posts on my dash are gonna make me hate myself more than i already do today

[wishchthumblr]

on todays episode of "mental health issues that could easily be solved by one single thing that i dont have", GET A MICROWAVE!!!

i just know SO many of my eating related issues (not all obviously but a LOT of them) would be solved if this house just had a goddamn microwave

today i ate like... 1/4th of those small frozen pizzas, 1/3rd of a grilled cheese, and 1/3rd bowl of macaroni and meatballs. and yall wanna know why i didnt eat the whole thing of any of them? its cause my stupid adhd ass took too long to eat and the food got cold. and then i Cannot Eat That anymore. so even though i was still hungry i didnt eat the rest of it and just went back to rotting on youtube shorts and being too hungry to do anything and feeling dumb and unproductive and being guilty of making food that i dont eat. just... feeling like a big ol' waste

but the thing is, if i just

✨owned a microwave✨

i could just reheat the motherfucking food and still eat it and not feel like ive wasted that food. ((because since that food is wasted i feel guilty about making it, so i dont make any more food until next meal time, but then i didnt finish that either cause im stupid and eat too slow.))

but we dont have a microwave. only an oven. and yeah maybe i couldve reheated the 3/4th pizza or the grilled cheese in the oven, but then again the oven uses a lot of electricity. and my mom is always complaining that i turn the oven on, forget that its on for a while, and that im wasting electricity. and i was too tired and hungry to deal with that possibility. plus with the oven theres a chance i forget it too long or have it too hot and burn the food and that would just make me feel worse

but we dont have a microwave, because my mom thinks having a microwave leads to "eating more unhealthy foods that you just heat up" instead of "real food". so i didnt reheat any of my food. so i didnt eat it. it got to the point where it got cold and gross so i just threw it in the trash and hope my mom or grandma doesnt notice.

but if i had a microwave, i couldve reheated that food. and i couldve eaten it. ((and yeah, maybe i wouldnt have ate the whole thing, but maybe half at least? that counts right? well it dont really matter if it counts or not cause it didnt happen.))

and then maybe i wouldnt have been feeling like im gonna faint the whole day and maybe i wouldve gotten literally anything done instead of just scrolling on pinterest and youtube shorts for hours and feeling worthless. and maybe if i ate i wouldnt have hurt myself today

but nope. no microwave. it leads to "unhealthy" habits. i guess not eating enough to count as even ONE full meal is healthier since its not "microwave food"

thanks mom

[plasmamembranes]

I am being urged to get on medication but the thing about that is doctors love to put me on cocktails of multiple meds at once. the last time I was taking medicine I was literally on Lamictal, Risperdal, trazodone, Buspirone, and one other one, I always get it mixed up but I think it was seroquel. I think that's just too fucking much?? I don't think I'm THAT nuts??? and there's never any easing into it, I'm handed all of them at once and told to get started. and any objections or questions are dismissed. what's wrong with starting out with like one or two. and do I really need a fucking antipsychotic?

[backtochicago]

everyone is just observing in silence 😭 like I can’t imagine how this is going to go

waiting is so painful 😭 please just say something already