#idk its so complicated it makes me so upset | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kentopedia · 10 months ago

Text

౨ৎ ˖ ࣪⊹ BLAME IT ON THE BLACK STAR — hayakawa aki

summary . . . maybe aki’s in the wrong for all the mixed signals he sends you, but it’s your fault for always picking up the phone.

contents . . . f!reader, angst, complicated relationships, smoking, miscommunication, cunnilingus, unprotected sex, ambiguous ending, hurt/comfort i suppose — 5.6k

notes . . . this is my first time writing for aki so pls be nice i’m nervous hdjwjwk <33 i’m not all the way caught up w csm so it might be inaccurate idk

Aki calls you, sometimes, when he’s feeling lonely. You figure, by now, he must have your number memorized, with how frequently your phone ends up ringing.

Of course, you always pick up, knowing you shouldn’t, knowing it’ll just end up hurting. But you can’t help yourself, really. You’re incredibly weak for a man that you know will never commit his life to you. You learned that lesson a long time ago.

Still, you’re a fool who refuses to move on.

Instead, you stand, shivering in the cold in front of Aki’s door, waiting for him to answer it. The lights are off in the apartment — you have no idea where his new roommates are for the evening, but they clearly aren’t there. Aki wouldn’t have called you otherwise; you’re certain he doesn’t want anyone to know about the two of you, save for those that have known since the beginning.

Heavy footsteps pad across the floor, and then the lamp in the hallway flicks on, illuminating the threshold in a beam of yellow. The door unlatches, opening just a crack, as his blue eyes drift down to trail over you.

“You got here faster than I thought.”

“I’m freezing, Aki,” you say, pushing through the door. His palm falls away, rests at his sides. Its only eight o’clock, but he’s already in sweatpants, a loose sweatshirt hanging over his tall frame. Dark hair falls across his cheeks, still damp from his earlier shower.

“Sorry,” he says, shutting the door behind him. “I was in the bathroom.”

You don’t reply, and shrug your coat off instead, hanging it on the rack that is now full of jackets that don’t belong to him. But you’re barely able to get it onto the hook before Aki has a palm around your wrist, tugging you towards him, the smell of his body wash and shampoo lingering in a cloud around him.

A little welp of surprise leaves you as you spin around, nearly falling into his chest. Instead, you collide with his mouth, the heat already settling down on you as heavily as it always does when Aki is around.

He kisses you, long and hard, hungry for the taste of you, his head craned down to meet your height. For a moment, you let him. It’s sweet and familiar, all the things you’ve ever wanted.

In moments like these, you indulge in thoughts of a life where things are different. A life where Aki can greet you at the door, smile when you kiss him, instead of the pensive expression he always wears. A life where Aki doesn’t come home with new scars every few days, where he isn’t hell-bent on a goal you’re not sure he can ever achieve.

That dream of yours won’t ever become a reality, but it doesn’t stop you from savoring the taste of his mouth against your own — how much you’ve missed it, even when you shouldn’t.

When you’ve run out of air to breathe, you push him away, and Aki stands straight, blinking like he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong.

“Not even going to offer to make me dinner?” you ask, keeping him at a distance. Although you meant for it to sound playful, teasing, it comes off full of a bitter resentment. Your face is probably drawn up into a scowl, even if you can’t see it.

Aki blinks, rubbing his forearm. His lips part, then he shuts them, furrowing his eyebrows together. “You said you were cooking — over the phone, you said you’d already eaten.”

“Well, at least you remember that.”

Confusion spreads even further, tighter, stretching to every corner of his expression. Aki’s hands twitch listlessly at his side, just as his mouth does. “Are you upset with me?” he asks, and you know he’s smarter than that, that he might not be the most sensitive to others’ emotions, but he is certainly no fool when it comes to yours. “If you didn’t want to come over tonight, I wasn’t forcing you.”

A laugh almost escapes you — instead, you muster up a cool grimace. Like you aren’t going drop everything for Aki every time he says I don’t want to be alone tonight.

Really, it was laughable how tightly he had you in the palm of his hand, and you can’t fathom that he would think otherwise. You’ve always done whatever he needed; given him whatever he wanted.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in the hospital?” you ask finally, swallowing back your annoyance as you gesture towards the bandage around his arm. It’s wrapped up tight, but the bandages are fresh, still a starched white.

His eyebrows tighten further. The air around him changes, even though his expression doesn’t. “Who told you about that?”

“Himeno.”

Aki purses his lips. “I didn’t realize you two were friends now.”

You did laugh then, shaking your head as you make your way into the living room, looking for any subtle changes in his apartment. There are new pairs of shoes that certainly don’t belong to him, a sweatshirt that looks about two sizes too small.

“I wouldn’t really say we’re friends,” you shrug, not bothering to look at him. The air in the room is somehow off-putting, and you take it in like it’s the first you’d ever seen of the place. “But how else am I supposed to find out if you’re still alive?”

You give him a sad little smile, and slowly, the irritation seeps out of his face, his shoulders slumping. He looks tired, then — far too old for a man that is still so young.

“It wasn’t that serious. I’m fine now, aren’t I?” Aki gestures to his arm, flails it wildly, as if to prove it’s still working properly. “Just a scratch.”

“It is serious. It’s serious to me,” you say, narrowing your eyes, and though his tone is warmer, he doesn’t smile at you, not like he used to. He maintains a vague air of surprise, while dampening any emotion that could cloud over his lack of understanding. It annoys you to no end, that he won’t let you see him.“I’m always worried about you, idiot. Don’t act like you don’t know how I feel about you.”

Aki blinks, then draws his lips together in a thin line, shaking his head. Although you were pointedly avoiding each other’s gazes, you could feel the tension drawing you together like a cord.

God, you missed him every time you were apart. You went to your regular job, thought all day about the man who would never love you like you loved him, wondering if he was okay, if he’d pick up the phone and call you again next week. Or if, one day, it would be Himeno instead, telling you that you’d never see him again — or, god forbid, Makima, with her careless tone of authority. That thought alone haunts you even with your eyes open.

But for now, it’s still Aki who calls you, and every time, you are overwhelming relieved to hear the sound of his voice again. Heavy tears always drop down your cheeks as you dig the phone into your ear, wishing that it was his mouth there instead, and wishing that those pretty blue eyes still looked at you with the same sort of softness they once had.

“I told you…” Aki begins sharply, but then he trails off, finally meeting your gaze. His features pinch once more, melodramatic, as he scans the sadness that you could never hide in your expression. “Damn it.” Car lights flash over his face through the window as someone drives past the apartment complex. The darkness of the room becomes even more evident when they disappear.

“I know,” you say, resigned, as you watch him scrub his hands over his face, and inhale heavily. It’s hard for you to keep your emotions from getting the best of you. “You’ve reminded me — many times. I know this doesn’t mean we’re back together. I know, Aki.”

His jaw parts, lips faltering at the beginning of a phrase. Despite his tall frame, he falters, looking so small, as sadness filters into the eyes that shine a deep navy in the shade of the evening. Beside him his fingers twitch, curling up into his palm, before he takes two long strides towards you.

The mere second it takes him to get there passes without your memory, and your back hits the door to his bedroom, softly, as he looms over you, fingers brushing your cheeks.

A thousand times you’ve been in this position, and it’s so familiar that your hand reaches up instinctively, splaying across his chest. Aki’s breaths leave him, deeply, expanding through his lungs before he exhales them across your cheekbones, oxygen splitting at the bridge of your nose. “What’s wrong?” you ask quietly, blinking up at him from under your lashes.

“That’s not what I meant.” His voice comes out on a hoarse whisper.

“Hm?” You dig your fingers into his sweatshirt, the material thick and warm. “What did you mean?”

Tenderly, his thumb brushes across the hollows of your cheek, the sharp bone that juts out. Aki’s fingertips are so rough and calloused, but that familiarity brings a sob out of you, your hands springing up to grab his wrists. “That I’m not fooling anyone,” Aki says, swallowing, eyes roaming all over your face. “That I can’t stay away from you, no matter how hard I try.”

Your lips part, but your breath is stolen away by another kiss, blanketing your mouth, warm and with an emotion that you’re certain you can taste. It takes you less than a moment for you to close your eyes, to relax into him as always, melt into his familiarity. The taste of the cigarettes he smokes lingers on his tongue, seeping deep into your own lungs.

As he bumps his nose with your own, you reach up, run your fingers through his hair, untangling all the knots that have accumulated since his shower. At the same time, Aki palms at the door behind you, not bothering to look up as he fumbles for the door handle, slipping it open.

Aki always kisses you like it’s the last time he’ll ever do it, struggling to unglue you from himself. He kisses you like he knows he’s going to leave again, and it might be for the very last time.

It’s a sickening emotion to live with, but you’ve accepted it all the same.

You ignore the feelings that never leave you alone when you’re with Aki, and stumble backwards into the room, feet catching under you. Although you nearly fall, Aki catches you, arms heavy around your waist, large palm spreading across your lower back.

“You’re so pretty,” he says, nearly carrying you to his bed. The two of you latch so tightly onto the other, that you will surely go tumbling down if either of you makes the wrong move. “I’ve never met anyone as pretty as you.”

“Aki,” you mumble, shaking your head. “I don’t want to hear that.”

He stumbles, and you do fall onto the bed, then, his heavy body on top of you, landing with a thud. But he’s careful to catch himself, to tuck his arms into the space beside you, as he kisses across your cheeks, down your neck, to your chest.

“Why?” he asks into your skin, voice low and rough. “You don’t think you’re pretty?” his tone is dry, sarcastic. Aki’s fingers fumble with the zipper on your jeans, slipping your pants off faster than you can inhale a fresh set of air into your lungs. “Want me to prove it to you?”

Despite your lingering resentment, you crack a smile, shift your hips so he can pull your bottoms off completely. “Aren’t you afraid you’ll fall in love with me again?” you say off-handedly, running your hands along the edge of his shirt, before slipping cold fingers under it. His skin is hot there, abdomen soft, muscle just as lean as it was last week, but stronger than when you’d first met him.

Aki’s eyes soften. “Why would I be afraid of a thing like that?”

You don’t like the double meaning in his words, and you don’t want to read into it. Instead, you pull Aki back down to your mouth, hoping he’ll take and take from you, even though he’s always one to give. The one who calls you, who needs to be inside of you, but won’t worry about himself until you’ve come apart at least once.

“Feels like it’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” he says, pushing your thighs further apart, muttering the words against your lips. His fingers graze the outside of your panties, as you slowly begin to wet them with desire that burns hot in your stomach. “I missed you.”

You feel his smile curl as he kisses across your chest, around your collarbones, and you sit up far enough to slide your shirt off. Aki does the same — there are fresh scars on his body, healing wounds. You can’t look at them for too long, before grief rises up in you, mourning a man that is not yet dead.

“Whose fault is that?” you ask bitterly, pushing the top of his head to sink him to your thighs. Instead, he takes his time pressing his mouth around your belly, swirling his tongue just past your hips.

A sigh leaves you, and you sink deeper into the mattress, eyes blinking closed. He’s so slow, so deliberate with every movement, like he’s been waiting all of this time just to lose himself in you. Ridiculous, really, considering that he could have you at anytime, and he knows it.

You’d hate him for it, for stringing you along like this, but that would be hypocritical, really. You’re the fool that continues to play the game.

Aki ignores your passing comment, squeezing your thighs as his face drifts down your body. His hair brushes against your bare skin, still a bit damp, but so soft, the scent of his soap so familiar you could pick out the shampoo with your eyes closed.

“Want my fingers or my mouth first?” Aki whispers into the inside of your thigh, kissing the delicate skin there as he looks up at you from under thick, black lashes. They flutter over his cheekbones, the hollows of his eyes, and he’s so pretty… it’s no wonder you’re so far gone for him. “Since you’re in such a mood tonight, I’ll let you choose.”

There’s a tiny smirk on his face, and even though you’re about to answer, Aki takes it upon himself to kiss your cunt through your panties, the fabric sticking to your skin.

“A-aki,” you stutter, caught off-guard, fingers lacing through his hair, nails scratching against his scalp. “You didn’t give me a chance to answer.”

He drags his tongue up your clothed cunt, wetting it even further, so you can’t tell if you’re soaked from his spit or your own arousal. “I picked instead. Like the way you moan when my mouth’s on you,” he says off-handedly, and heat rushes to your cheeks as you stare at the ceiling, still so shy when it comes to his dirty mouth. “No one’s here,” Aki continues, words vibrating against the bone, puffs of air drifting around your sensitive area. “Want you to be loud.”

A tiny laugh escapes you, but it is quickly stolen by a whimper as he sucks your clit into his mouth through the cotton of your underwear, an old pair that was anything but sexy. Although, you’ve known Aki for so long, been with him for so long, there’s never any reason to try and impress him.

“Feels good,” you say, closing your eyes as you rest on the pillow. Aki pushes his tongue against your hole, teasing. His fingers dig deeper into the flesh of your thighs, keeping them from locking around his head as you search for more friction. Your chest rises and falls with the heat of your breathing, but Aki doesn’t let you rub yourself against his tongue, doesn’t let you move much, really. “Aki,” you whine, and though there are times when he doesn’t let you get your way, this isn’t one of them.

“So impatient,” he says cheekily, but he slips your panties to the side, your cunt vulnerable to the frigid winter air. You shiver, and he sinks his tongue into you completely, the heat of it warming you as he swirls it inside, spreading you further open with his fingers.

Your body grows hot all over when Aki thrusts his tongue in and out of your aching walls, your juices seeping onto his tongue. He moves slowly, savoring every moment that you’re in his bed, even as you try to arch into him, speed him up so that you can orgasm faster. He’s right: you are impatient, because it’s been days since you’ve last felt him inside of you, and nothing feels as good as Aki’s thick fingers and cock.

His nose bumps your clit as he drags his tongue in a thick stripe up your cunt. A moan leaves you, and without thinking, you jerk your hips up, forcing them towards his face. The sound from your chest is so lewd, and you’ll feel shy about how loud you were later, but all you can think about is his mouth on you.

Aki smiles, kisses the inside of your thigh. When he lifts his head, the ache inside you burns deeper, the sight of him with saliva and fluid dripping down his chin almost too much for you to handle. “Taste so good,” he hums, massaging the skin around your knees, hoisting your calves up over his shoulder blades. “Think you can cum from just my tongue, baby? You’re so pent up, I don’t think you can last much longer.”

You whimper, pressing your heels into his back as Aki’s tongue resumes lapping up your cunt, long and hot, massaging the most sensitive spots inside of you. You can tell he’s hard, aching as he shifts his hips awkwardly, trying not to press them in the bed.

Aki picks up his speed, head bobbing slightly as the heat insides of you builds; normally, you would’ve lasted longer, but you can’t remember the last time you’ve even touched yourself, and your most recent orgasm must have been with Aki.

You don’t tell him when you’re close, but he already knows, sucking harder on your clit as you finally come, body jerking into him, walls spasming. Your eyes squeeze shut, and his name leaves your lips much quieter than he would’ve liked.

“You’re so fucking hot,” Aki says, tugging off his sweatpants, the only layer between you and his cock. His dark hair is slightly mussed from your fingers, the way you’d pulled at him, tried to guide him where you wanted him, even if he already knew. “So easy for you to get me hard, you know that?” His cock is leaking at the tip, desperate for release, and you haven’t even touched him yet. “Just the thought of you spread out like this is enough.”

A desperate whine leaves you, and you reach behind, unclasping the straps of your bra, the last remaining garment between you and Aki. He grins at that, his canines so sharp, teeth a little crooked, but the prettiest smile you’d ever seen because you see it so rarely.

“Gonna play with those pretty tits while I fuck you, baby?”

“Fuck, Aki, please,” you groan, reaching for him, pulling his mouth to your own. You kiss him hard, hoping that he knows you love him, and hoping that he feels guilty about that fact. “Want you inside me. God, I need you so bad.”

He presses his forehead to your own, lining his cock up with your entrance, the head prodding at your gaping walls. You get so sensitive, even from just one orgasm, that you wince a little bit. But the uncomfortable feeling eases as he presses into you, kisses you sweetly.

“Fuck, fuck,” Aki groans, biting down hard on your shoulder. “God, you’re so wet, so warm. You feel so good around my cock, baby. Such a pretty girl for me.”

Your nails dig into his back as he slides, slowly, out of you, before he thrusts back in, still not rough enough for your liking. Aki’s hair falls around his face, his mouth parting just a bit, focus dilating his irises. His biceps flex as he holds himself off the bed, snapping his hips into your aching cunt.

“H-harder,” you mumble, trying not to shout, to moan too loudly into the open air of the evening. Aki’s walls are far too thin, and his neighbors know who you are. The last thing you want is for them to see you as Aki’s fuck-buddy that moans like a bitch in heat. “Please, sweetheart.”

Aki groans, a deep sound that reverberates all the way from his chest down to his stomach. The affectionate name twists something up in him, and Aki thrusts his hips faster, kisses your forehead, your cheeks, any part of your skin that he can get his mouth on. His hair tickles your jaw, nose nudging against your face as he mumbles into your skin, “so needy, aren’t you? I want to take my time with you, and you just want to get off.”

“Can’t help it, Aki,” you say, squeezing your eyes shut tight as you buck your hips upward. “God, you feel so good, I lo—”

You stop the words from leaving your mouth, but Aki already knows. He’s known it for a while now, and you should be embarrassed by the fact that you can’t let him go.

Wide blue eyes stare back at you, full of something you can’t define, but still so soft as he pulls away. He draws you closer, slides your legs around his hips before pinning your own to the bed with large, heavy palms. Aki’s built with all lean muscle, and he’s so tall — so much taller than you that it’s easy to forget because he treats you so gently. Still, he blankets your body, makes you feel small in the nicest way.

Because you know that even though he can never commit his love to you, he’d never let anything — human or devil — lay a finger on you. You love him, you love him, you love him.

Aki follows your wishes, sinks faster inside of you as you exhale heavily. Your nails dig into his back so tightly that you start to worry you’ll break the skin. But Aki loses himself in the feeling of you, panting into your chest as he moves his hips.

“F-fuck,” he mutters, eyes fluttering shut. “I’m not going to last long inside you like this. Maybe I should slow down—”

“No, no, I’m close,” you stumble over your words, meeting Aki’s intense eyes, a thousand emotions relayed in them as he blinks at you. “It’s okay.”

“God,” he mutters, whispers the word between you, even though you’re certain he hasn’t believed in him for a while, and you’re not sure you do either. “I don’t deserve you.”

You wonder if Aki meant to say that at all, so you let it go, let the words exist between you as if they were never there at all.

His palm guides it’s way across your stomach, the touch featherlight, before he reaches for your breast, thumb flicking across your nipple. The nail catches, and you moan, almost there once more. Aki’s cock hitting all the right places, so much better than your own fingers.

“Aki,” you say his name over and over, your mind going numb from thinking about him.

“I know,” Aki mutters against your lips, hot air ghosting across them on his exhale. “You’re okay. Let go for me, baby. Did so good for me, want you to cum on my cock.”

His voice, so deep and rough in your ears, sends you over the edge, and a sound forces its way up your throat as you clench down on him, your cunt spasming from your orgasm. It hits you harder than you’d been anticipating, legs squeezing around Aki’s hips as you dig your toes into the mattress.

“There we go,” Aki wipes your hair away from your face, kissing your temples, so gently that you think you might cry. It’s not fair for him to be so sweet, so loving when you know he’s going to kick you out of his apartment before the night is over. “My pretty girl. Shit,” Aki mumbles, cursing lowly before pulling out of you, quick, and spilling into his palm. It takes him less than a stroke down the length of his cock, the thick cum spurting out, falling onto your hips, beside you on the mattress.

It’s not your mess to clean, though, and you can’t bring yourself to care. Breathing heavily, you watch Aki fumble for something on his nightstand, before he gives up, wiping his wet hand on the already soiled bedsheets. Then, he collapses down onto his side, staring, watching your chest rise and fall.

“Aki,” you say, turning away from his eyes to stare at the ceiling, the cracked plaster, stained from water leaks. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Silence falls across the room, and you can’t bear to look at him, refusing to see the indifference on his face. There’s nothing, he says nothing, before sitting back up, shuffling through the nightstand once more.

The beams of streetlights sway against his silhouette, encased in a beautiful swirl of purple and navy hues. His hair seems an even darker curtain, coiling around his jaw as he hides from you, hides the emotion that was less than evident on his face.

You sigh, and flip back on your side.

Aki takes a few drags of the cigarette, puffing them into the stale air. It reeks, probably, in the tiny bedroom, but all you can smell is the tangy scent of Aki’s soap, the lavender that lingers on his skin, the cleanness of the linens that have been recently washed. This apartment, sometimes, feels more like home than your lonely one does, even though being with Aki is almost like being on your own, sometimes.

“Those things are going to kill you,” you say under your breath, still fascinated by the way the smoke draws deep into his lungs, puffs out in a cloud, relaxes him easily. His veiny palms flex, long, slender fingers holding the cigarette between them.

Aki doesn’t laugh, but it’s close to one, a snort almost, as he breathes again. “Not like I’ll be alive much longer, anyway.”

“You sound like Himeno.”

“Do I?”

You sniff, and scoot up against the wall, sitting beside him. Despite your argument, you take the cigarette from him, smoke it yourself, and place your lips around the exact place where Aki’s had been. He watches with the same rapt fascination, blinking slowly, before staring at the ceiling as you had before.

It’s Himeno he should be with now, really. Another Devil Hunter. A woman he can fuck without getting his feelings all mixed up, someone who probably understands him better than you do. He’s never loved her like he loved you, and she wouldn’t take offense to it either, you think.

But it’s you he calls instead. It’s you who is too weak to leave.

“I’m sorry,” Aki whispers.

“So am I.”

You reach across him, press the cigarette into the ashtray and drop what’s left of it amongst the other ends. Aki’s fingertips dance along your spine as you do so, and you wish he wouldn’t touch you, wish he’d just kick you out of the bed, toss you out of the apartment, spit at you like you weren’t anything but a whore.

Instead, he kisses your shoulder, draws you in close, curls his tall frame around your body, and drags you back down into the bed.

It hurts more than you want to admit, because this is what you want. You’d truly go the rest of your life, never have sex with him again, if he’d always hold you like you meant something to him.

“I need to go home,” you say, remembering that you still haven’t eaten dinner, that you’d left your things in disarray, your clothes unfolded on your bed. There was never a reason to before, because with Aki, you’d always go home, just before the last train. You’d be tucked into your bed that same evening after a nice shower. “Aki…”

“Stay.” He kisses your collarbone and shoulder again, throws his thigh over your own, and traps you against his body. “Please stay. You can wear that T-shirt of mine you like so much. I’ll make you breakfast. You can meet Power and Denji, and then I’ll take you home tomorrow morning.”

You swallow, damning your weak-willed heart for succumbing so easily. Fingers curl around his wrists as you bask in his embrace, how warm he is, despite normally running so cold. “Aki,” you whisper again, tears welling along your eyelashes. “You can’t do this to me. Please don’t do this to me.”

“Do what?” His voice is just as quiet as your own, and he’s still kissing you, holding you like you’re something precious. But he is surely not that stupid about your feelings, to how he has been tearing you apart for the past year, even though you let him.

You sniff, trying not to cry, never wanting to embarrass yourself, even if you have sobbed in his arms on numerous occasions. “You must know that I love you. I’ll never stop loving you. Even if I marry someone after you die, I’m certain your name will still be etched into the chains on my heart. I’m just a stupid, dumb girl.”

He says nothing, and you do cry, then, tears streaming down your face as you twist away, stare out the curtained window, the thin fabric fluttering from the heat that kicks on.

“Please don’t call me anymore. Just let me hurt for awhile, so I can get over you. You’re so selfish, so selfish, why can’t I just move on?” You bury your face in your hands, wipe your tears, try to fight against him as he pulls you into his strong chest, kisses the top of your head. Still, even then, even when you want to hate him, you’re putty in his heads, melting and craving the place in his arms that feels like home.

“I can’t let you go,” Aki says, wiping your tears. “Fuck, I can’t — I need you. Do you understand? I need you, and I know I’m a selfish piece of shit, but I don’t want you to move on.” He frowns, clenching his jaw, twisting his expression up. “I’ll be better.”

“Aki—”

“I’ll love you like you need, honey. I thought,” Aki scrubs his palm over his face, the other still stroking across your back. “I thought it’d make it easier, all this distance between us, to let you go. I can’t put you in danger, but I can’t stop loving you either.”

You inhale sharply, leaning your head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, committing the harmony to your memory. Who knows how much longer it will be in there, how much longer Aki will allow it to exist before he destroys himself completely.

“Aki, you’ll never love me like I need, because you’ll always put your work first,” you say, squeezing your eyes shut. “I realized that a long time ago.”

He shifts, pushing you away so you could look each other in the eye, the astounding resoluteness in his irises. How serious he was about trying to be someone he was not. “I can try.”

You sob.

And you wish you could just say no; say no and walk away, forget his name, never answer the phone again, never call Himeno to check up and make sure he’s still breathing.

But you can’t — it’ll never be that easy.

Pushing him away, you rest your head back on the pillow, trying to make yourself comfortable as you turn your back to him. Perhaps, the morning will give you clarity. You’ll stay, but you’re not sure for how long.

“I’m tired.”

Aki curls against you, rests his arm around your hip, kisses your neck, cheek, temple. “Okay,” he relents, holding you close, chest pressed against your spine. “I meant what I said about breakfast. Maybe we can talk about it then?”

You want to say no, but you won’t. He’ll kiss you in the morning, and you’ll kiss him back. Settle on your knees and give him a blowjob while he’s still groggy, before slipping on his T-shirt, chattering off his ear as he makes you breakfast. You’ll probably even curl your arms around his stomach from behind, stand on you tiptoes to reach the space between his shoulder blades.

Power and Denji will come home at some point, and probably say something rude, as Aki says they do to everyone. Then you’ll go home, and you’ll still be in love with him, and Aki will forget the conversation even happened, because he’ll say anything to get you to stay.

Or, maybe, he’s being honest. Maybe he will love you like you want him to.

Less than likely.

“Okay, Aki,” you agree, too tired to argue or acknowledge the emptiness in your stomach. “We’ll talk about it in then.”

reblogs appreciated!! thank you for reading!

3K notes · View notes

padfootagain · 1 year ago

Text

Complicated

Hello everyone! I’m answering a request today that was sent a few weeks ago! This request was sent by an anon : “Y/n is a new one of the main cast in S&B(In her 20s) She has a crush on Ben. Anyways she doesn't show it ofc and she was afraid if she will fit with the cast members or not.Yn is a bit shy and introverted. And we know how close Jessei and Ben are but it kinda upsets her cause She's not that close with Ben?!? Idk if I'm portraying it well or not but can you write something like that?!?”

I haven’t included the detail of the reader’s age… simply because the occasion didn’t arise in the fic as I was writing it, I hope it’s okay. So… fluff and a little bit of angst because we are writing for pining idiots and a slightly jealous reader…

I hope you enjoy your fic anon! And I hope everyone else enjoys it too! Tell me what you think about it!

****

Pairing: Ben Barnes x reader

Summary: Ben and you are working together on Shadow and Bone, and have grown closer and closer as the months flew by. But when you truly fall for him, everything becomes complicated…

Warnings: a slightly jealous reader. Some mutual pining. Lots of fluff.

Word count: 4171

Ben Barnes’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

It’s complicated.

Everything is complicated.

Everything is a mess, and it’s all because of him.

You stare at Ben as he laughs, bubbly and merry and infectious…

You hate the way it makes you feel happy to see him that way. You hate that you can’t just walk over there, across the set, and kiss these lips of his that always seem to be calling for your own…

You can’t do it. You just can’t. It isn’t a possibility, because you’re working together, and he probably doesn’t even like you at all and…

You force your train of thoughts to stop. This is not the right place nor the right time to be contemplating your recent crush on your co-worker. Now, on the contrary, it is time to finish reading your lines one last time before being called for your scene.

But you’re distracted again when Archie nudges you.

“Hey, are you coming to Jessie’s party tonight?” he asks, shoving a small pastry into his mouth.

You smile at him, nodding your head.

“Sure, it sounds fun.”

You’re lying. Blatantly so. You’re not so much into parties like these, but you need to socialize to get along with your co-workers, and you want to fit in the cast. You’re only just arriving for this second season, after all. Even if the shooting has started several weeks ago, you’re still a little uncertain sometimes. But then again, maybe that’s because you always lack confidence…

“Awesome! It’ll be fun, you’ll see! Jessie always throws the best parties!”

You nod again, as if you knew what he is talking about, while already planning some fake excuses to go home early, and a strategy to remain as quiet and alone as possible during the event.

Damn, that introverted part of you really is a pain in the arse sometimes…

“Who’s coming? Everyone?” you ask, closing your script, aware that you will not be able to work before your scene now that your colleague has joined you.

“Yep! Having a hard time convincing our grandpa over there, though,” he jokes, nodding towards Ben. “He’s had a busy week, and he’s exhausted. But I’ll find a way to convince him, don’t worry. I want to get everyone coming tonight.”

“Nice!”

You hope he can manage to convince Ben. You truly do. Because… well, you have a crush on him, after all. A stupid, ridiculous, terribly serious crush on him. And if he can come tonight, the evening might not be so bad, after all…

Speaking of the devil…

Your heart quickens its pace as Ben approaches, a calm, comforting smile on his lips. He looks gentle and kind and a little mischievous, like he always does. He’s in full costume and make-up; dark scars running across his handsome features, and a long leathery coat embroidered with gold floating behind him. It doesn’t match, the scary and intimidating look against the softness in his dark eyes…

“What are you two troublemakers planning now?” he asks, his voice full of humour and teasing.

“Well, we’re talking about tonight. You know, the amazing party you’re planning on missing?” Archie answers.

“Ha… yes, at Jessie’s?”

“Yep!”

“I’ve had such a tiring week, I just want to sleep,” Ben admits.

He seems tempted nonetheless. After all, Jessie does throw the best parties.

“Come on! You don’t have to stay for too long, we’re used to you abandoning us before midnight. Come on, everyone but you has said yes already! Even Y/N is coming!”

Ben turns to you, hesitation intensifying on his features.

“You’re coming too?”

You nod.

“Yep! Sounds fun! You should come too. You can leave early, if you want. But it would be nice to have everyone around. Right, Archie?”

“Absolutely! Ben, you’re coming. That’s decided!”

Ben laughs, shaking his head.

“I haven’t said yes…”

“Now, come on. Y/N is asking you to come! Look at how disappointed she looks that you’re not coming…”

You feign a sad pout, batting your lashes, and Ben can’t refrain a laugh. He rolls his eyes but then again… if you’re coming…

Then, it gives him a perfect excuse to see you. He knows he shouldn’t think of you this way. Because this… silly, crazy, extremely intense crush he has on you can only make everything complicated. You’re working together, and you probably don’t even feel the same and…

… and yet, every time he sees you, his heart skips a beat. And he longs to see you, even if it’s just from across the room, and if he listened to himself, he would admit that he longs for far more than simply being near you…

But then again, it would make his life unbearably complicated. And you… you probably don’t feel the same, so why bother?

“Please, come to the party tonight!” you ask again, offering him a friendly smile. “You’re the person I know best in the cast, as we’ve had plenty of scenes together already… it’ll be less fun without you!”

Now, you’re looking at him with these pleading eyes, and you’re saying it’ll make you happy to see him there…

… how could he say no to that? How could he say no to you?

He heaves a sigh, but nods anyway.

“Alright, alright… I’ll come.”

“Yes!”

Archie and you share a high-five, while Ben keeps on laughing at the two of you.

But then again… if he can see you a little longer, outside of the studio, it’s worth the dark bags that will grow even more under his eyes…

Ben is blowing his cheeks, miming something big and round. You have no idea what he’s doing, and look at him with round eyes, scraping in every corner of your mind… what on Earth is he doing?

He adds a moustache with a finger under his nose and frowns hard, as if he’s angry and disdainful… Still, you’ve got no clue… it could be anyone…

His face changes back to his normal demeanour, and traces something that looks like a lightning bolt on his forehead…

And you got it! At last!

“Dursley! Vernon Dursley!”

Ben claps his hands and cheers, right as the timer rings. It was the last round of charades for the night, and as Ben comes to join you on the sofa, giving you a high-five for this last guess of yours, you’re all awaiting the final results.

You know the results are close… Jessie and Freddy have done an amazing job tonight as well. You wait for Calahan to count the last points, Danielle peering over his large shoulder to get a glimpse while she sips on her glass of red wine.

It’s merry. You’re happy to have come to the party, in the end. It’s still quite early, you know the mood is shifting to a more ‘partying’ colour, and you have no doubts that after this game, Kit is going to put on some music and start some kind of dancing competition. You know you’ll like this part of the night a little less, but so far, it’s almost 11 and you’re quite happy and at ease still.

Besides, Fortune decided to pair you up with Ben for this game, when you drew his name from one of Jessie’s hats. And as he sits down next to you, making the cushion bend a little under his weight, as he shifts next to you to get comfortable, as he leans forward to grab his glass of wine on the coffee table, as his shoulder brushes against yours with each of his movements…

Yes, the evening isn’t so bad, after all…

“Oh, we have some winners…” Calahan theatrically raises up his hands, picking the sheet of paper holding the results. “And the winners are… Ben and Y/N!”

Ben and you cheer, and you are quite surprised when he pulls you in a tight hug.

Warm. Safe. That’s the best way to describe his embrace, even if it lasts just a couple of seconds. It’s enough to make your head spin, your heart race under your ribs, you’re intoxicated already with his soft wooden smell…

But he pulls away soon, too soon… he has to. Breathing in your sweet perfume, and holding you close, feeling the air leaving your lungs to collide with his cheek and ear… it’s too much for him to handle. He’s already blushing, he can’t let you see how he feels…

It feels cold when he pulls away, empty. His embrace is filled with air again, and he hates it. You seemed to fit so well in his arms, your warmth spreading through his frame…

He pushes the thought away. This evening is nice, merry, full of light. He enjoys it. He knows that Kit will soon turn on the music, and he’ll soon be a little bit bored, as he won’t take part in the dancing. It’s alright, though. He hopes you won’t dance either. He hopes you’ll stay a little bit longer…

Around the two of you, people are teasing your team, saying you’ve cheated, laughing at your outraged faces. It’s fun and light-hearted.

The back of your hand brushes Ben’s as you shift on the couch, and your breath gets stuck in your throat. It’s electrifying, this sensation…

You need to stay a little longer to the party, just to socialize, to make sure you’ll fit in with the group. But you have to admit that you’re a little bit uncomfortable when Kit starts the music, and most people start dancing.

You decide that you deserve a little bit of intimacy, and excuse yourself to the bathroom.

You stay there a few minutes, just to recharge your social batteries a little. You’re hesitating between aiming for the kitchen or the sofa as you walk out the tiny room. The kitchen will be a little quieter, you reckon. But then again, Ben will probably be in the living room…

You’re smiling at the thought of talking to him again when you step in the living room. Everybody is dancing, except for Freddy and Amita who are chatting, sitting on the couch. You’re looking for Ben, but can’t spot him anywhere. He’s not dancing, and you’re not surprised. You aim for the kitchen.

He’s standing there alright. A glass in his hand, he’s leaning against the counter, laughing with Jessie. She leans against him, they’re standing against each other.

And you can’t help it. You wish you could stop the feeling from spreading through your veins, but you can’t. You wish you could stop yourself from being jealous, but you can’t…

Apparently, there’s nothing romantic between these two, but sometimes… like now… you envy their connection.

Because Ben doesn’t lean against you like that. He doesn’t laugh so hard with you. He doesn’t… he doesn’t act like that with you. And perhaps that’s yet another sign that he doesn’t see anything more than a friend in you…

You take a deep breath, turning around to face the dancing group again. The music is loud and pulsing. After seeing Ben like this… it’s a little too much…

“Hey, Y/N!”

You don’t turn around to face Ben, even if he’s calling you. Instead, you ignore him, act like you haven’t heard anything, and stride across the room. Your feet guide you to the front door, and you grab your coat as you hurry out of the apartment.

You feel ridiculous for feeling this way. You have no rights to be jealous, you’re nothing more than a friend to him. Still… still it hurts to see him so close to someone else…

“Y/N!”

You freeze. You’re waiting for the elevator, in the middle of the corridor. It smells of cigarettes, the white walls a little bit yellowed by nicotine and tobacco…

“Y/N? Where are you going?”

You turn around, at last. You can’t avoid it anymore. Ben is standing there, on the threshold of Jessie’s apartment. He’s frowning, staring at you. He doesn’t seem angry though, only taken aback.

The doors of the elevator open behind you, bathing your frame in a cold white light. They open fully with a little ‘ding’. You struggle to swallow, before you can speak, extending your arm inside the elevator to keep its doors open for you.

“I’m going home. I’m tired. Besides… dancing isn’t my strong suit so… better head out,” you explain, hoping that Ben won’t notice the way your voice is shaking.

He seems disappointed. If he wanted to hide his reaction, he’s bad at it. He gives you a smile anyway.

“Okay… Humm… Would you mind if I walked to the subway with you?”

“Don’t you want to stay a little longer?”

“Not really. I’m knackered. You had to convince me to come, remember?”

“Right… okay then.”

Ben disappears for a mere second, just to grab his coat. Soon, you’re entering the elevator together.

He has a shy but warm smile on his lips. He can’t really summon anything else right now. You’re standing right next to him, you don’t seem to mind that your shoulders and arms are brushing against each other. He does though. He minds terribly, because it makes his heart pounder in his chest, and he can’t breathe properly. He can feel butterflies starting their flight across his stomach, and he can’t take any more of it. He takes a step back.

It breaks your heart. The way he adds distance between the two of you, when earlier with Jessie he…

You push the thought away as the doors open again, and you hurry out of the tiny space in favour of the large hall of the building, then the street.

It’s springtime in Budapest, the air is still chilly despite the warmth that has started to rise during the day. But now, it’s night time and the air is cold and makes you shiver despite your coat. You welcome the feeling though, it makes you forget Ben’s warmth…

“You’re calling for a cab?” Ben asks, standing right behind you.

But you shake your head.

“No, I’ll just walk for a bit. Then take the bus.”

“Alright…”

“You’re calling a taxi?”

“No… No, I thought… do you mind if I join you?”

“No… not at all.”

His smile is brighter this time, and you can’t help the way it makes your heart skip a beat. You match his smile without even noticing…

Soon, you’ve settled in a leisurely pace. None of you seem willing to hurry. Why would you? You both long to spend as much time together as possible…

Ben is the first to break the silence that has settled between the two of you. In the distance, traffic hums in a regular pattern. There is a rhythm to the night. Still busy despite the darkness and the glimmering lights. It’s a little shushed though, distant. It comes only out of the large streets and boulevards, the small alleys are quiet, sleepy. As you walk further down the street, bathed in the golden streetlights, you tighten your hold on your coat. The wind pushes papers abandoned on the street, they roll in a shuffling noise that matches the rustling of the tree leaves.

“Any plans for the weekend?” Ben asks, burying his hands in the pockets of his black jacket.

“No… just sleep. A lot of rest. And some lines to learn,” you give him an amused smile, and he chuckles.

“Yeah, I feel your pain.”

“What about you?”

“Same, basically. Have a busy week coming again.”

“Yeah… they seem determined to make you work crazy hours these days.”

“It’s okay. I’m used to it by now. I just hope to catch on some sleep this weekend, so I won’t have to hide these dark bags under my eyes with too much make up.”

You chuckle, and he wishes you could laugh. A full-on laugh. He likes the sound of these…

Jessie’s words come back to his mind, right when he saw you leaving her apartment. He remembers what she told him, and it bothers him.

You should stop overthinking it and tell her while you still have a chance.

Is there someone else in your life? And why did you leave like this? You were almost… running away…

Maybe Jessie’s right. Everyone on set seems to have picked up that he likes you. That he has a crush on you. Maybe he should stop thinking so much about the consequences but… he can’t help it. He’s a rational man. He wishes, sometimes, for a little bit more freedom. For a little bit more naivety in his actions. But he’s lived long enough to learn that one ought to think before acting.

He heaves a sigh, without noticing, busy with his own thoughts. It makes you look up at him with a frown.

“Ben? You’re okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, sure.”

“Why this desperate sigh, then?” you tease, amused.

“I’m sorry, I was… lost in thought…”

“Come on, tell me! A penny for your thought!”

You’re cute. It’s almost annoying how adorable you look right now. A glint of mischief alit in your eyes, and a tender smile on your lips. You look soft, domestic almost, holding tightly your coat around your frame. He wishes he could wrap an arm around you, pull you to him, use the excuse of the chilly weather to keep you close. But he knows you’re shy, introverted, and he doesn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. He knows he’s a tactile kind of guy, but not everyone is. He doesn’t want to go too far.

Besides… if he does hold you close… will his poor little heart survive?

But he’s being ridiculous with all this. He’s not a teenager anymore. He knows how life works, how relationships work, what his feelings for you mean. He’s got to stop being so shy around you. Jessie says you like him too… maybe she’s right…

If he’s wrong, everything will become complicated. But then again… sometimes… complicated is nicer than simple.

He takes a deep breath, before diving…

“Actually… I was wondering… do you have someone in your life?”

Your eyes widen, your eyebrows shoot up… you look more than surprised…

“I… no, I’m single. Why?”

Ben shrugs, trying to calm his racing heart.

“Just… I was just wondering.”

“You?”

“Me?”

You chuckle, as he doesn’t seem to understand what you mean.

“What about you? Are you single?” you repeat, and he blushes hard, silently cursing himself.

What a moron…

“I’m single too,” he answers.

“I… why are you asking me this though?”

He notices how you shy away a little. How you bend your head. How nervous you look.

But he can’t back down this time. He’s got to do something about all this.

“Just… asking.”

“Why?”

“I thought… maybe we could… go have some diner together? Or a coffee? Or… anything you’d like, really.”

You freeze. You stop dead, standing still in the middle of the street. In a nearby alley, you hear someone singing drunkenly. You ignore the sound though. You merely stare at Ben. He’s so handsome like this, his frame tainted golden under a lamppost…

“Are you… asking me on a date?” you stutter.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Why?”

Ben blinks, an amused smile appearing on his lips.

“Why do you think I’m asking you on a date? Because I… want to go on a date with you.”

“Yes, but… I… me?”

His smile falters, he looks down at his feet, kicks into an invisible pebble, his hands still buried in his pockets. He doesn’t want you to see the way he clenches his fists…

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. I get it. It’s not going to be the first time a woman says no…”

“I’m not saying no!”

“Are you saying yes, then?”

“I just… I thought…”

But then, you remember the way he acts with Jessie, and he’s not like this with you. He didn’t offer you his arm as you walked together, the way he always does when she’s around and he…

You shake your head. You like him. If you’re to be honest with yourself, you do feel a little bit more than a crush for him. A lot more, actually.

But you’re not stupid. You’re not a teenager anymore, you know how these things work. And you don’t want to get your heart broken.

Maybe he’s just doing this to make her jealous… the thought breaks your heart…

“I don’t think you mean that,” you answer earnestly.

Ben looks up at you again, frowning hard.

“What?”

“We’re working together…”

“I know… but I don’t think it would be a problem. But then again… I can wait. If you want us to finish shooting the show before we can go on a date… I’ll wait. I’ll ask you again once we’re not working together anymore.”

You know he means it. You can see it in his brown eyes. Brown… they’re fully black though. You can’t see where his irises start, where his pupils end…

His gaze is earnest as much as it is hypnotic.

You’re more puzzled than ever.

“But… I thought… you and Jessie…”

But Ben rolls his eyes, almost annoyed.

“We’re friends. Nothing more. People like gossiping, that’s all.”

“I’ve seen the way you act with her. You two are very close.”

“And?”

“And… I thought you… were like that…”

“She’s just a friend.”

“But you’re not like that with me.”

He frowns again, but lets you continue.

“You’re… not… close to me. Not like that. I thought it was because… because you’re closer to her, than you are with me.”

“It’s just different.”

“You’re always touching and hugging everyone… but not me. It’s not just Jessie… I think it’s about me. I thought you were… friendly with me. That’s all.”

“I just…”

He lets out a breathy chuckle.

“You make me nervous,” he admits, and there’s something a little sad in his smile now. Or… not quite sad but… fragile. “Besides… you’re shy. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I like hugs, but I’m also aware some people don’t like that.”

“I like hugs,” you answer.

Which is quite ridiculous, and Ben can’t help but laugh.

“Good to know.”

He takes a step closer, his heart beating so fast. He hasn’t felt so giddy and excited and utterly nervous in years… what are you doing to him?

“I like you,” he confesses in a breath, letting it all out in a shaky whisper, and you stop breathing altogether at the sound. “I like you… a lot. And I’m just… nervous and… afraid to make you uncomfortable. But I… Y/N you can’t imagine how much I want to hold you right now and… touch you and… kiss you and…”

“Do it then.”

He falls silent, and you do too. Because it isn’t really like you to be so bold, but you can’t help it. You’re not really thinking anymore. His words register into your brain, you make sense of them, and you want him to do everything he’s saying out loud, and that’s all you know, all that you’re aware of. That, and the fact that he’s standing very close to you, maybe a little too close, close enough for your chests to brush against each other as you fill up your lungs with air…

“What did you say?” he asks, his voice shaking.

He’s searching for something in your eyes. You think it might be reassurance…

“I said that you should do it.”

“It?”

“All that you’ve just said.”

A crooked smile appears on his lips, his hands coming out of his pockets to reach up towards your cheeks.

“Even the part where I’m kissing you?”

You smile, nodding.

“Especially that part, I think.”

“Alright… but then… can we have a date.”

“Okay. But… everything is going to be complicated. Like… we work together and… and it’s going to be a mess and…”

“Y/N?”

“Yes?”

His palms have reached your cheeks, warm and a little calloused, and you adore the feeling. You lean into his touch, his fingertips lost in your hair.

“Do you want me to kiss you now?” he asks, leaning closer, his lips bare centimetres away from yours.

“Yes. Yes, I do… but…”

“Then let’s just get things impossibly complicated… and let’s kiss too.”

You’ve closed your eyes at the feeling of his warm breath fanning against your mouth and…

… and then he closes the gap between you. And it’s gentle, almost shy. Delicate. It becomes more heated though, after he pulls away for a second, just long enough to change the angle of his lips upon yours, so he can have better access to your mouth, so he can deepen the kiss and…

Christ, that is too good… too good to be true…

When you part, you’re both out of breath.

“So… are you convinced that I like you now?” Ben asks, brushing his nose against yours.

You open your eyes again, just to fall in his gaze.

“Kind of, yes.”

“So… What about Sunday for the date?”

*********************

Taglist : @reg-arcturus-black @wolfmoonmusic

#ben barnes #ben barnes x reader #ben barnes x y/n #ben barnes x you #ben barnes fanfiction #ben barnes fanfic #ben barnes fic #ben barnes oneshot #oneshot #fanfic #fanfiction #writing

269 notes · View notes