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smallpoem · 7 years ago

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ramble: being nonbinary, mental health, university, moving out, life

very long personal ramble under the cut so feel free to ignore

these weeks right now are the last real free weeks of my life and yet i feel like there is so much on my plate my head is constantly full of worries and things i need to do and things i need to remember i can hardly breathe my depression and anxiety are really bad and i spend most days doing nothing, just trying to distract myself and get through the day, and every night my insomnia keeps me awake until 4 am i feel more uncomfortable and trapped and unhappy in my body every day, i came close to just chopping my hair off with a pair of crafting scissors several times i do really want to get it cut but im terrified of hair dressers, i hate them, and my mum has been pressuring me to get my hair cut for years, so now i feel like it wouldn’t be my own decision even if it is, i feel manipulated, it would feel like giving up, and i hate that, but i need to get it cut or im going to have a breakdown dysphoria, anxiety, depression are a constant state for me and im so exhausted, im so tired, i can’t do this anymore i hate my birth name, it’s like a slap to my face whenever anyone calls me that, and yet im terrified of coming out (“hello im nonbinary and my name is kieran, kier for short, please call me that” why is that so hard?) i really, really need a binder but i can’t figure out which size is right for me and anxiety won’t let me ask for help im isolating myself in my room and i hate it but i can’t handle being around people (like my mum who i live with), i feel trapped in my own home, i barely eat bc my anxiety is so bad i can’t leave my room i need to get out of here, i need my own space i want to move out and i did finally tell my mum about it and although she said she was hurt at first (which ?? why does everything i do hurt you mum im trying to take care of myself and get better, you always tell me to talk to you and to speak my mind and that it’s okay to be upset, but when i do you’re hurt and make me feel guilty, why?!), she is supportive of me now and she even started making plans for how she’s going to use my room when i don’t live in it anymore, which is good i think it helps that i want to stay in the same house, just get my own little flat here, i think that really helps her, but tbh it worries me i do want to stay here not for her but bc i love this place, i have lived here for 14 years and i love it and it’s my home, but im scared that im still gonna feel trapped by my mum’s presence and that she’s not going to be able to stay out of my business that sounds harsh but i just, she’s so incredibly overprotective, she does everything for me to the point that im scared to try and do something by myself bc it could hurt her feelings, and then she turns around and complains about how dependent i am on her, but when i try to be independent she makes me feel guilty for that too i need to get away from that so really what’s keeping me going, my silver lining, is the thought that im going to move into my own space in the near future, near being relative bc it’s probably still going to take almost a year (how will i survive like this for that long?) but that also brings more worries with it, mostly money related im obviously going to have to get a job to pay rent and provide for myself, which is not going to be easy as a mentally ill university student what kind of job am i going to get, how much will i have to work, how much will i earn, how much will it drain me? how, how will i get through the job interviews with my anxiety as it is? will i be able to afford keeping any of my hobbies or will i have to stop collecting albums, stop going to cons and concerts, stop dancing? regarding concerts, there’s another thing that stresses me out we’ve been planning to go to korea to see shinee early next year before they start enlisting, and while i really want to go, i also really don’t have the money and im scared i won’t be able to save enough in time, and i feel like no one is taking me seriously about this i don’t want to be indebted to my friends and i don’t want to ruin their plans and i don’t want to be left behind either and i feel guilty every time i spend money bc the concert is hanging over my head like a dark cloud that’s getting heavier with every cent i spend but i also know myself and i know that not treating myself to anything would make me really unhappy as shitty and materialistic as this may sound, buying albums, guild wars gems, and going to concerts makes me happy, and often it’s the only happy thing i have in a whole month there’s another event a friend and i are planning to attend, a book fair, which was my idea and i really want to go but i still haven’t gotten my shit together and bought tickets or planned how we’ll get there etc bc i feel so bad about spending that money and i feel like a hypocrite bc i bought a dvd and the guild wars expansion but those are easier bc i don’t have to plan anything what paralyses me about the book fair isn’t the tickets themselves, it’s the additional costs for transport and possibly a hostel, that’s so much money it just looms over my head terrifying me of spending it even though i’ll have to and don’t get me wrong i love my friends but one of them earns significantly more money than i do and still encourages me to spend mine, brushing off every time i mention being worried, and i fall for it too, i listen to them and spend the money and then feel horrible about it, why am i like this then university itself - on the one hand i am so happy and excited to start, on the other hand im terrified i don’t know how to handle my gender situation there - i know i can’t bear being called by my birth name, but i don’t know how to deal with that - should i send an email to every professor before the semester starts, which is terrifying and almost impossible bc again, anxiety or should i just say that i prefer kieran or kier over my birth name without an explanation? that way i wouldn’t have to come out but it’d also mean being gendered female which will not help my dysphoria either there’s an lgbt+ student group that i want to join but im terrified of that too, i want to go so bad but i’ll have to do that alone and that’s so hard it’s so hard idk how i’ll manage to do it im also just terrified of the future in general bc i have no idea what the f im doing with my life i will study korean language, culture, and history which is awesome, and i do know that i love language and translating, but i have no clue how and where i’d want to work, and i also don’t know if it’s gonna be enough if that makes sense? i really love translating but if there’s one thing i love more it’s creating, and im scared im going to be unhappy just translating other people’s creative work without directly being part of a creation process myself but i also know im not good enough at art or writing or graphic design im not good enough at anything there are so many things that i love and that im decent at but im not really good at anything and it’s so frustrating im so scared of the future and of failure and of making myself unhappy, i wish i had one thing i was good at and loved and knew i wanted to do so i could have a plan but im just swimming in a river of uncertainty and it’s terrifying everything is terrifying and im so tired of constantly being scared another thing that worries and stresses me out is my body and the constant pain im in my knees have been hurting for years but it’s all my joints now and all the doctor ever tells me is “you need to work out more” but it hurts then im also planning to go to a gynecologist bc i can’t handle the cramps anymore it hurts so much i just want to cry thinking about it and i can’t take it anymore for the longest time i have hated the thought of birth control bc i don’t want to mess with my body but at this point i’d do almost anything to make the pain stop and im hoping that birth control will help my skin too bc i hate my skin i hate it so much i wish no one would ever look at me bc i feel so ugly and disgusting and if i cut my hair off i’ll have nothing to hide behind and i don’t think i can handle that i just want to feel okay in my body and not constantly be in pain but doctors appointments are so scary and exhausting and everything is too much there’s more but i lost track of what i was going to say and tbh if i wrote down all of my worries this would never end im just. so tired and scared and tired of being scared

#me #ramble #personal

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superblyjovialtheorist-blog · 6 years ago

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"cheap young car insurance quotes

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I have 2500 I want to put down on a car that cost 5000 Do I need full insurance? I live in NY

Motorbike Insurance/Tax/SORN/MOT need help!?

Hi, I recently bought my first motorbike a few month in advance of my 17th birthday, with the intention to ride it once im 17. When i got the bike, it had no MOT or road tax and it was registered as SORN (meaning it was registered as being off the road). So i filled in the registration document, rang up the DVLA and re-registered the vehicle as SORN again. The thing i would like to know is, when it comes to the time of my 17th birthday, in what order do i get each of the things, for example, would i get the MOT before the roadtax and if so how would i get my bike to the MOT centre without having roadtax, and would i still be able to get insured on an untaxed bike with no MOT? So basicly, what order do i get the insurance, MOT and roadtax in? Sorry i hope this made sense i have tried to describe it in the best way possible, thanks for any help.""

Does anyone know approximately how much sr22 bond insurance costs for a dui offense?

6 penalty points for driving without full license?

I recently received 6 points for driving without full license and no insurance. Car was insured but named driver was not in the car (i was insured as well but without somebody over 21 years old with license next to me so insurance is not valid then) What happens next? It was stupid idea but you always learn on mistakes :I

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Homeowners insurance question?

My father has homeowners insurance that covers the exterior buildings around his house, like a garden shed/ covered carport. this past weekend, a large snowfall provided too much weight for one building, and it collapsed. inside was a lawn mower and an antique automobile that dad has had since he was my age, and it was damaged by a metal beam. (think hot dog bun). the insurance company is now saying that they will pay for the repair of the building and for a new lawnmower, but not the car itself. it was not fully restored, but it was in fair working condition (meaning the engine works and the auto does move). does exterior building coverage also include everything inside, or does it have a limit? is the insurance company trying to weasel out of paying my father? if so, who should I call? (I'm in NC). please help! with good sources please!""

CAR INSURANCE question?

Ive just been made a fiance manager at work and my car insurance has gone down in price ! Can anybody tell me what kind of jobs make your car insurance reduced in price and why ?

Switching insurance companies to get the car fixed?

The accident was not at my fault. Had a police report. Contacted both insurance companies. Got a rental car and check ($1500) from other party's insurance company (NJ Skylands) as decided to go through them. Brought the car to body shop and found out NJ Skylands wants to cheat and pay less. So I called my insurance company (State Farm) and reopened the claim to go through them. State Farm took deductible and issued a check for $1788. Body shop wants to get $2788 for repair. Can I still use that check for $1500 to cover the rest of expanses?

Insurance company help?

Ok so im getting insurance in manhatten because i live there ..... but my vehicle is garaged in long island ..... I have to tell the insurance company ? and do i have to show proof ? if so what kind of proof is there to show ?

Insurance question?

I just bought a 2008 Honda Accord, exl, 4 cyl. I can't even drive it because I dont have insurance, what is the cheapest (most affordable insurance) I should get, i am 20 years old living in ontario california.""

Getting car insurance under parents name (Ontario Canada)?

I am 19, and I want to buy my first car, how ever I cannot pay 600 dollars a month for insurance. My dad does not want me on his insurances because he does not want the risk of his insurances going up if I get in an accident. So I was thinking, would my dad be able to insure my car under a different insurance company than the one he has now, and then just put me on the insurance. There for if I get in an accident, the insurance for the new car would rise, but the insurance for his car which is under a different insurance company would stay the same?. Theoretically speaking, if the above is true, and I do get in an accident, and the insurance rises to a price where I could not afford the monthly payment. Would my dad be able to just cancel the insurance?""

I am growing my insurance agency. Any sugguestions on how to avoid the time consuming busywork ?

I am good at getting people to buy from me, but hate all busywork . I am licensed and live in California, and sell personal health, life, car, and home insurance. I recognize that by not doing all the work, from running the quote to entering the data, that I should not be entitle to the full sum of the commission the carriers pay. Is there any franchise out there that has people who do all the deskwork so I can sell more? Its worth it to me to trade off part of the commish if I can get more people to buy from me. And I feel confident that I can bring more and more people in. My problem is that I lose oodles of time working their dec pages, typing in all their data to the various carriers.. Note: please dont answer if you are a recruiter. I am really looking for a good honest perspective from someone who has been in my shoes......Thanks so much.""

Where can i get cheap car insurance?

I am an eighteen year old and i need to get cheap car insurance on a 1999 grandam

How hard is it to start your own insurance company?

how much capital do you need or are there companysthat will front the money

A question about car insurance?

I currently live in Minnesota, where the price for my auto insurance is around $910/6 months for the most basic insurance required by law, which is 30/60/10. In August, I am moving to North Dakota. I wanted to change my insurance to my North Dakota address, since their requirements are 25/50/25, and will cost me only half of what I am paying now. So my question is, do I have to change anything? Do I have to change my legal home address to North Dakota and get a North Dakota address, or can I keep my Minnesota address and license? I'll honestly do anything it takes, since I will be living in ND for four years and will probably end up making that my legal home eventually anyways, I just need to know if there is anything I need to do immediately so my car insurance is legal.""

Car insurance!! help?

I'm 17 years old and live in the UK. I want to buy a chevrolet camaro 2010 v6 when I am 19 but I'm worried how much insurance I have to pay. My friend told me it's going to be more than the car, and the car cost around 30,000. Can anyone tell me which group the car belongs to and how much insurance I would need to pay? I want this to be my first car but I want another car to gain experience. Please give me a good car that would look nice for a 18 year old. I am quite tall and I don't really like small cars because it feels uncomfortable for me? please suggest a good car that would suit a tall guy. thank you""

Where can I find classic car insurance for a 17 year old?

Hey guys I've recently received a classic 1992 Mazda Miata from my dad, which has been a treasured possession of our family for a number of years. I myself am now a member of the owners club and take great care of the car, but am obviously unable to drive it without insurance. While insuring the car with a normal provider would be far too expensive for me (at 17 years), classic car insurance is not only cheaper but fits my needs far better. I was wondering if anyone knows of a classic car insurer who would be willing to insure me, taking into account my situation? Thanks, Laurence""

Car insurance rate for a 16 year old?

i'm going for my license in a couple months, but maybe trying to prepare a little in advance, but i was just wondering the average cost of car insurance per month? i know the younger you are, the more it will be. if it helps, the car i'll use is a ford fusion, and i'm pretty sure my dads insurance is allstate, if that matters much.""

Ticket for no proof of insurance?

in california best friend got a ticket for no proof of insurance at the time of accident, he doesnt have insurance i know everyones gonna write about that but how can he fix the ticket? he didnt know that his insurance was canceled his dad who lives out of state pays. ive read other questions on YA and one said u can take proof of insurance to the clerk before the court date (the judge) and they will disregard the ticket? if the insurance card says that hes covered from 6/30/09-6/30/10 would the clerk check to see if hes paid?""

How do I choose the right car insurance?

I just bought my first car and I need to find a good and cheap car insurance.

What is a good life insurance?

Does anyone know a good life insurance that they would recommend? and would you recommened term or whole?

""On average, how much does it cost professional liability insurance for a CPA?""

I want to start my own CPA practice. I am 50 yrs old. I want to know what costs are involved in the process. I am not aiming to nothing complicated. Just an accounting practice. How much does it cost, on average, the professional liability insurance for a new CPA?. I will be just myself. Thank you.""

Motorcycle insurance question?

Hey, I dropped my motorcycle on the right side yesterday during a turn. It's a 2009 Kawasaki Ninja 250r. Two pieces of fairing were damaged pretty badly (right side and front piece). I just got insurance the day of the drop (before dropping it). Will insurance cover the damage? Also is it even worth getting them involved? I already have very very high insurance ($400 a month for a Honda Odyssey) due to previous car accident. I don't want to get any more things on my record. Will my insurance go up if I call them? The replacement fairings will cost me $560 out my pocket. I have a $250 deductible on the bike. So I would save about $300. Is it worth it?""

Disability insurance?

Car insurance? 10 points?

I'm 46 (female) and just got my probationary license in northern NJ. Is it possible to get my own insurance. How much would you expect it to be since I have to wait a year to get my full license? 10 points

Affordable eye insurance (college student)?

I'm currently an undergrad student and I wear glasses which broke a few days ago .. I don't have insurance as of right now so I'm looking for some . I just need something basic that will cover the costs of eye glass exam and contact eye exam , contact lens , eye glass lens and the frame . Something that isn't too expensive but not too cheap where the insurance isn't good .. Like some that are cheap require you to pay for our exams out of pocket and then wait to be reimbursed . I can't have that . I need something where I can pay at a set rate and not have to worry about having to pay hundreds of $$$ and wait to get it back .""

Obamacare: What if you cant afford health care insurance? What if your not employed.?

What is a good health insurance company?

My husband is self employed and I don't work. We are looking for health insurance. Blue cross and blue shield is the only company I really know of. I know there has to be more out there. I would like to get basic coverage in case of emergencies and maternity coverage as we plan to have kids in the next year or two. Thanks.

Whats the average price of car insurance for a teen with a 97 jet ta ?

What happens when you don't pay cancellation costs for car insurance?

Un-named popular car insurance provider added my 22-yr old son to my policy without my permission. Said it was done internally, couldn't take him off policy. So I canceled. I should say that before I called to cancel this policy, I started a new policy w/ a local company. Progressively, I received a bill for cancellation costs of $120.00. What happens if I don't pay?""

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