#like im actually so fucking exhausted from them
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erm chat what is the appropriate reaction when you find out everyone you work with talked shit about you to your manager....
beware the essay in tags
#lol my depression is swinging around the corner#i just want to stop existing#like i dont want to care if they like me... but like genuienly idk how i could be a better supervisor than i am already#sometimes i feel like im actually going crazy on shift now cause people barely listen to me.....#but i alwas give them options#i never force them to do stuff#i literally always let them visit their fucking boyfriend and go to the bathroom#but then they turn around and ignore me#make fun of me#and like i take it in stride.. but im fucking tired#like how the fuck are you guys happy with any shift lead ever?#and like the shift they like? addicted to cigs bc his job is impossible.#the baristas like him#the dm wants him fired#he will literally take work out of peoples hands#maybe they dont like me cause i want them to actually do their job?#but it really hurts to see them call out of my shift#or make fun of me to another person directly in front of me#like im actually so fucking exhausted from them#OMFG i need a therapist#RGHHH
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Interactive - Favorite Burp Scenario
I need something to take my mind off the fact that we are home to the dumbest, most bigoted fucking assholes on this planet, and I feel like a lot of you probably feel the same way right now. So, how about another interactive game? Send me character requests via my askbox here and I will respond with my favorite burp scenario to imagine for them. (Note, ideally, keep it to characters I know or that you think I may know)
#interactive post#community game#burping#burp kink#belly kink#i think back on all the movies where the president hides a horrible crime they committed years back#and how they carry out these horrid conspiracies to cover up the truth of their misdeeds#oh how fucking quaint that all feels right now#here in america?#you can incite an insurrection and get your freakass cult to storm the capitol on live television while erecting (lol) a gallows#the whole world can watch in horror#you can get indicted on 88 felony charges#convicted on 34 of them#your generals came come out and admit that you like hitler#and in a few years the people will just happily send you back#don't worry the media will treat you like a completely normal candidate and sane wash whatever crazy bullshit you say too!#because gat dammit groceries are just way too expensive#sure your own party and awful policies CAUSED prices to soar but it's not like the media will ever point that out when they conduct polls#also the same fucking idiots crowing about grocery prices hear trump's tariffs will cost them thousands more yearly and they're fine with i#im so fucking tired and i know you are too#just look out for your lgbtqia+ friends right now#they're gonna be hurting right now especially if they don't live in cali#and even cali's not some liberal fucking haven either#we just voted NOT to end slavery in this state!#like what the actual fuck?!#no seriously...what the actual fuck?#anyway look out for each other and try to keep your own corner of the world safe from maga's stink#and don't tune out either because they want to exhaust and beat you
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Wrote tha note to put on their door in the morning.
Do u think my sleep deprived frustration is evident lol
#speculation nation#bc guess who is still awake. thafs right. this poor sod#im so exhausted and yet the thump thump thumping continues#it makes me want to bang on the ceiling but i know that wont help#i dont even know what the noise is now. rapid fire thumping in a way that sounds like#more frequent than would naturally be audible from just normal thumping.#it's definitely not a sex thing. it almost sounds like the dull popping of fireworks#thouhh i know it's not that either.#my best guess is that it's the keyboard i started hearing last friday#but i havent heard them practicing nearly as much as ive heard this damned thumping#im#actually tempted to just go up there and knock on their door#it's 1 am and the thump thump thumping is continuing.#i just want to fucking sleep
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🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart
#yesterday on the study they said they were dating two others and it was going well and i cant imagine fucking you but#you have great tits. they got upset at me not inviting them to a party. my research partner told me to write a 1000 word essay on why they#should come. they spoke about how much they wanted theiir ex and they wouldnt tell me much about who theyre dating bc#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant#the streams r rly beautiful im walking to a date and shes gorgeous and some of my friends know her but i look#exactly like ive slept on my friends floor for the past few days so . aaa anyway#god after that whole call i just felt so deflated like i felt over it but now its all . back. like seeing them being happy w smn else#inflicts active misery upon me which means ii think im becoming a worse person bc of them. i called my friend and i just . idk i walked home#i kept wanting to weep but . woah the sun is so pretty#there are petals and dandelion seeds floating in the air#med school students walking to their lectures#she does biochem btw. the person im meeting now#there are two butterflies dancing together. i cant make this shit up the past few days have looked like actual heaven#ive spent them being on survival mode and not even bc of my studies like ok focus on log functions while the person kn the screen#tells u abt how if her ex were to call shed fold immediately and the new girl is a singer and its going well and maybe ill tell you#more abt it in a few months. SO YOU KNOW IT HURTS ! SO WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME YOUD MAKE OUT W ME AT THE CLUB WHY WOULD U FALL ASLEEP NEXT TO#ME WITHOUT CLOTHES ON ! WHY WOULD YOU CARESS YOUR OWN SKIN LOOKING AT ME IN THE MIRROR !!!!#anyway im like . sane.#i just . felt like it was over#i realised i kept seeing ppl who i thought were more attractive etc etc than her bc i needed to prove to myself#that im attractive enough to be liked or that i can be liked at all and a part of me wanted to prove it to them too#its just a horrible mindset to have and yh not only do they not care but they also bring out the worst in me actively like . I DONT KNOW#BUT THEN WHO ELSE KNOWS THAT THE GOLDEN HOURS IN TEHRAN ARE PINK AND LILAC WHO GOES TO TECHNO RAVES AT THE BASE OF DAMAVAND#WHO CAN PIN YOU AGAINST A WALL LIKE THEM !!!#anyway#standing up it just feels so#exhausting#like this the most exhausted ive felt from all this ever
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this shit is going to kill me someday
#you know its bad when even professionals are worried about you#you know its bad when it causes you distress multiple times a day and it gets unbearable sometimes#you know its bad when you cant stop yourself from crying whenever you actually try and tell someone how this shit feels#you know its bad when its lasted for months and it wont fuckjng go away#you know its bad when it makes you so exhausted you dont feel like doing much else other than sleeping anymore#you know its fucking bad when nobody‚ not ONE person can help you‚ and its not because of them#its because this shit is so bad#that nobody even knows what to do anymore.#im really tired#sorry its after 8 pm which means i get really mentally ill#dark pearls#delete later
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...
#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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guiiwgghauaiauagguaiaghjjghjjjhhhh
this didn’t fit in the hashtags but donr rb or comment I’m just screaming to myself atm I’ll probably delete this shit tomorrow goodnigjt fuck everything live vs kill
#vent because I’m going fucking insane#so I got a weekend job right#Yay! So fun! money!#but now I have absolutely no fucking free time#and I hate it cause all I want to do is draw#I just want to draw#Just a little bit#All I want in life is to draw#but I don’t have the time#and I feel like im going to die on the floor#cause I wanna draw so badly!!!!!!!#like it’s actually such a pain and I feel so overwhelmed and I just want to cry like a big baby about it#I would draw more but the thing is it takes me so long to get home from school#and I have to walk a dog after school sometimes#and then I don’t have a lot of time before I eat dinner#then I do my chores which isn’t a lot but I still don’t want to do them#and it just#UGH#I can’t draw inbetween like getting home and supper because I need time to recharge cause if I don’t recharge I’ll get artblocm and then#not want to draw at all which I don’t want#So I don’t get time to draw cause im either occupied with something or im recharging after doing an activity#and I just feel so stuck!!!! Cause now I work a 9-5 and I hate it cause im so tired after work!!!!!!!!!!!!#I also think im just scared cause im actually growing up now and im feeling more exhausted than ever#like I want to do stuff with my friends#I wanna have fun#I want to do things#this is why I love summer because despite the heat and the bugs I have time to myself#I rarely have time to myself if any when im in school#and I HATE ITTTTT#I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH
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I keep telling myself im gonna stop talking politically with people and then i do anyways 😭😭 cant bloody help myself 💀
#in my defense is because someone was calling me a hp fan. because tbh. it was a big part of my personality but i of course just.#detest it and anything to do with it now because of jk r*wling#but yeah the way i was called it and then when i tried to explain that i hate her because ahes racist - islamophobic - a zi*nist - trans#phobic etc etc and then suddenly its like 'oh ill need to find my own proof#LIKE HOW ARE YOU CALLING ME A SUPER FAN AND THEN NOT TRUSTING MY KNOWLDEGE ON SOMETHING THAT I DO IN FACT KNOW A LOT ABOUT AND ACTIVELY KEEP#UP WITH. im gonna scream and never stop. i actually am so exhausted of constantly being told im wrong or just flat out ignored when im right#and then its like 'twitter isnt a credible source' WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN#LIKE ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF TALK#yes random accounts saying any old thing isnt reliable BUT THE ACTUAL TWITTER ACCOUNT OF THE PERSON SAYING THE STUFF#omfg i actually just. i hate it here. i want to never speak to anothwr person ever again.#le text post#anyways. main point is i do not wanna be associated with hp or jk r*wling at all anymore. and hopefully people will fucking do that#sorry not to go on but the other point of 'oh but the books are still good it doesnt change that' FROM PEOPLE THAT HAVE NEVER READ THEM AAA
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yknow, part of the reason i dont wanna share selfies anywhere online is bc you could fit a couple of bowling balls in the bags under my eyes
#always lookin exhausted gang#not looking to get rid of them necessarily but like..... lmao#theyre v much There. you know?#p sure i could make a bag of holding joke actually but im not witty enough to do so#idk. *pulls beholder from the bags under my eyes*#or something stupid like that#for the record the bigger parts for not posting selfies are privacy and also im a cursed image#cursed in the sense the ring girl vhs tape is cursed#not cursed in the sense of like....... destiel mpreg skibidi toilet au or what the fuck ever#....i wonder what writing that in a tag is gonna do for me.... idek what skibidi toilet entails#what am i even saying????#to the void with love
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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bloodwork came back normal (derogatory) and its gonna be at least 2 weeks till i can talk to my dr abt next steps, tried to find another clinic to go to but got scared off by bad reviews/my own prior bad experiences for the close ones, the distance/inaccessibility for the far ones, and cant get a virtual appointment anywhere until august, so like. that sucks
#also im experiencing Side Effects from my new meds#not like. dangerous/severe ones#just a headache + the shakes#but still#im so bummed my bloodwork came back normal#like. a few of my values were borderline#enough that i wanna ask the dr abt if they cld be causing/worsening at least some of my symptoms#but they were only ~borderline so like. not bad enough for them to care ig#story of my fucking life#im always considered juuust outside the range of actually needing help#just physically able enough#just smart enough#just healthy enough#that my problems get dismissed#its why i decided during my breakdown last year that i needed to stop insinctively hiding/downplaying my symptoms#not even just around medical professionals#just. in my life#i need ppl to Know how bad it is#so that maybe someone will actually help me#and also so that i dont feel obligated to push myself too far in the name of “keeping up appearances”#anyway#exhausted and in pain and have Bad Brain so im gonna like. crawl into a ball and hope that my pain meds kick in so i can go to sleep#do you know how hard it is to sleep when youre in pain#its very hard#i wish i wasnt in pain#i rly rly do
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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aaaaaaa
#minor vent? i guess#but i fuckign aaaaaaaaaaaa#my next three or so weeks are going to be BUSY and i fjjfjsgjejaonfjif#this is like my Last Week of Peace before it all#my next three weekends at least are busy#im actually sort of grateful the plans i originally had for yesterday fell apart bc idk if i could have like. dealt w that#a bitch needs their PEACE#and part of the issue is like. no seems to... believe me when i tell them im busy?#like people keep saying shit to me like ''well you cant be THAT busy bc xyz'' and its like#my busy is different from your busy. if i can only manage a few things in a day and then i have things in the day#then yes. thats busy for me.#even when i was employed at any job i almost never took any pride in the idea of me being overworked#bc it was terrible for my mental health both to be overworked and to see it as a virtue.#and in some jobs it was straight up dangerous.#ig. maybe thats why#people know what i used to do or what my busy used to look like. and compare me to that#idk. idk. idk why anyone does anything but its hard not to like#take it personally. sometimes.#when people are like ''well you dont have a job and you dont go to school so you cant be THAT busy or tired''#while not understanding how exhausting it is to hear that i shouldn't be exhausted. like fuck off.#okay minor vent turned into major vent oopsie#thank you if youve read this far and this doesnt apply to anyone who can read this#im just so tired. and people keep talking to me like i dont have any right to be.
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OK so i live in the US and let's say that i hypothetically work for a certain four letter german grocery chain that likes to value efficiency. now i get a lot of customers who like to tell me about how they don't understand why nobody wants to work these days, and why is everywhere understaffed, people are so lazy and don't want to work. while i stand there doing 3 jobs for the pay of one and slowly having my humanity melted away
so we recently put in self checkouts and now i have a whole new set of complaints (from exactly the same crowd) who tell me they hate the self checkout and wish it wasn't there and how its making the service worse etc etc. and incredibly, multiple people have complained to me after going through self checkout "why would i want to use this machine i have to do so much more work, i should be getting paid to check out my own groceries. it's like why are you making me do it i don't want to work at the grocery store"
#:))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))#sorry for venting in the tags but |:) i am having such a brilliant time#im not kidding when i say that this job is actually ruining my sense of humanity#its like i know it isnt the worst job you can possibly have or anything and the pay is decent#but they run the store so barebones to save money and 'keep prices down' that it is incredibly physically exhausting#and you geniunely end up doing the workload of two people#and then i get vitriol from customers all day that the prices have gone up#as if i can do a fucking thing about it#but they dont treat me like im a fucking human being im just a service to be rendered to them#dont get me wrong a few people every day will be nice enough#but i s2g most of the customers#i could be sucking them silly all while checking out their groceries and giving them a discount and they'd still be mad at me#vent#it is hard not to be fucked up in the head after receiving that kind of attitude for 20+ hours a week for 10 months#i mean i've done customer service for years but this store is on another level of how much is expected of employees
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excited for another day of my one supervisor telling me I'm doing an amazing job and gushing over me vs my other supervisor and my "boss" who's not supposed to still be my boss persay or not in the way she was anyways, they fucking act like I'm scum for trying to get ahead by *glances at notes* helping my supervisors
#like im not trying to take anything from anyone!!! im just trying to help them out!!!#if my supervisor who has a stack of paperwork to fix infront of her now has another folder for an order that#she wasnt in the room for. the other person my 'boss' is exlusively training on paperwork also wasnt in the room for. and the supervisor who#WAS in the room is the one who just fucked up this paperwork for the order#then yeah im gonna offer to help her with this folder since i actually WAS in the room#in fact i got left in charge for the first 2.5 hours cause no supervisors were in the room at all!!!!! UGH#at that point i was the most experienced person in the room by far!!! and i know so much about this company#cause its like. a passion of mine. so i know a lot about the products we sell!!! like a LOT#more than my bosses cause i actually buy a shit ton of our product. so i know how many per product or what colour label or whatever tf#just off the top of my head!!!!#i also am very passionate about NOT SENDING OUT DAMAGED PRODUCT#meanwhile 'boss' says im being too picky#AM I??? CAUSE IVE BOUGHT TWO PRODUCTS NOW WITH MY OWN PAYCHEQUE THAT WERE DAMAGED#ugh christ. im just very tired from this week between all that and the intense drama from earlier this week#im ready to sleep in all weekend#except idiot me made plans for every day this weekend#tonight i hang out with my dad and my bf#tomorrow me and bf go to my coworkers for drinks and viddy games#and sunday we go out of town with bf's sister for drag brunch and thrifting#so itll all be fun i just KNOW im gonna wind up exhausted 😭😭😭 plus truthfully i just wanna show my bf more movies
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