#they thought i still had feelings for them which. god. theyre right but the assumption is so arrogant

[faaun]

the forest looks like heaven today i woke up feeling the heaviest weight at the top of my heart

[violentviolette]

How do u cope with perceived rejection? I'm at the point rn where I don't want to leave the house bc I don't want to interact with anyone anymore.

oof, that sucks. im sorry anon.

honestly for me its a combo of a lot of little things and techniques but also its still hard sometimes. I also don't have any issue when it comes to strangers. I dont care if random people don't like or reject me or think negatively of me I only care if the people I care about and want to like me don't like me. if that makes sense? so sorry if some of this isnt as helpful for those kinds of situations

but okay so my main steps are usually firstly reminding myself that I'm not that important in peoples lives. and I dont mean that in a self depreciating way so just stay with me. most people are self centered in that were all the most important person to ourselves, we live in our own brains and with our own thoughts 24/7 and so were constantly thinking about ourselves and our behavior and our life and all the things going on in it that are important to us. and like thats a good normal thing but that also means that so is everyone else. no one is paying as much attention to me and what im doing as I am, because theyre paying attention to themselves.

so I remind myself of that and remind myself that most people have a lot going on that has nothing to do with me and so their bad mood or their quietness or their weird vibe isnt them hating and rejecting me, it just means theyre upset and theres a millions reasons why that could be that are more important to them than some little thing i did.

next up is that whatever the most mundane and casual explination that exists is, is probably the truth. and even if i truly think it isnt, i act as if it is until someone directly tells me otherwise. is someone not talking to me today or hasnt replied in hours? theyre probably really busy at work or eating or showering or maybe their phone is dead, and it helps me to ask myself “well when are some times ive taken 2 hours to respond and why was that” and if im being actually honest with myself i will find times when i have behaved the same but wasnt mad at someone or rejecting them. so i always force myself to believe the mundane solution, which helps me not act on any of my feelings.

because even if i really cant believe it in the moment, i can act like i do. so say someone hasnt talked to me and i feel like theyre rejecting me, i tell myself its just because theyre busy and not because theyre mad and force myself to act accodingly. i message them a normal amount and i dont mention my feelings or suspicions and then eventually they always talk to me again like normal and then i can be like “see, eveyrthing was fine and we were just being crazy. glad i didnt do anything about it”

only act on direct information, never assumptions. i act like nothing is wrong until someone directly tells me it is, because i dont live in their head and i cant read their thoughts. i dont truly know how they’re thinking and feeling until they tell me. (and for all u other aspd and npd assholes out there NO U DONT. genuinly and honestly. people are always capable of surprising us and even when we think we have them nailed and know exactly what their thinking, even if were right, u cannot just assume someones thoughts and take it as fact. its disordered and unhealthy and u need to stop doing it if u want better relationships with others) and if they haven’t directly told me something is wrong, then they haven’t communicated properly and that is on them. i dont read into vagueposts or status updates or tweets or level of activity or anything. i notice all of it because my brain is crazy but i force myself to ignore everything except the direct words someone says to me.

is their discord status something super upset that i think vaguely relates to me? that means nothing what was the last thing they said to me? oh that they love me and then we had a totally normal interaction. thats whats the truth, and if they were lying and they actually are mad at me, then thats on them for literally communicating the exact opposite of their feelings.

and lastly, if its people who ur close with, u can also ask for reassurance or validation in a way that doesnt accuse them of doing anything wrong. i will often go to my wife and instead of being like “are u mad at me?” or something i’ll say “im feeling really fragile today can u help reassure me that u love me and that im good?” or “I know u love me but can u tell me again i need to hear it extra today” or if its a friend sometimes i’ll say “hey im feeling kind of insecure and anixious today, when u get a chance could u reassure me that we’re still friends?” or literally just coming in the chat like “hello friends i require validation today” and then people will repsond with emojis and “god mood” and i will feel better

these are good ways to ask for support because they dont put any blame or onus on the other person, its about u and ur feelings, and usually if its people who care about u they’ll have no problem doing that. my friends and i tell eachother very often that we love and care about and genuinly like one another because reassurance and validation is Good and it should be a normal part of ur relationships. (no one insert a screenshot of that time ryo said he was feeling paranoid we hated him so i instantly sent him screenshots of my dms about my crush on him i will skin u)

but yea. those are the main things i do and tell myself and sorry this got so long but i dont know how to explain things like this without a million words lol i hope that made sense and that some of it was helpfull for u

[thisdreamplace]

Hii. Two people in my family r v self-righteous. They make unreasonable requests, then when those 'requests' arnt met obvii, they get v... You'll see

Many times they do things that exclude the certain person they're 'targeting' and will pretend its the other person (the target) who's acting wrong. Theyll team up and exclude the target, and if you mention this, they get v defensive and together lash out against the speaker, listijg long random details of how the speaker did so and so. And most of it is, frankly, unfair and unreasonable 'reasons'

Ive been the target, and so have others in my family. But these two refuse to get how hurtful and self-righteous their actions are! I say self righteous becaus they literally are convinced they have the 'right' to 'act' this way, as it seems so justified in their eyes. I can't deal with this, esp as it's a sensitice tkpic and in the past id fall into their guilt traps and as a result had near zero esteem + became a pushover at school. I'd think if im not being of use to anyonez or if I say no, it's so wrong and I'm a bad guy who has to suffer for that. Thanks to these Law blogs on tumbler and other things ive learned... That thinking is so victim-y blegh. Good for me, lol

Things in my family, as u can guess, aren't that great, thanks to this weird clique-ish behavjor, and other reasons too. But this reason, it's not only me who's facing this behavior? It's others too? And frankly idec abt this behavior that much coz I'm used to it and i am trying to see it as a challenge to improve my self concept eg realising it shouldn't really matter to me if I'm excluded and they make plans w/o me. Why shd I let myself get hurt? I can use this to realise im the one who can create and besides, I've been working on an assumption in which I'm leaving this place (not much success thereyet, but im spinning this in a positive way, if evrything is neutral!)

Ik why this happens to me - it's evry time I accept my olf assumptions on them acting this way, this creates more of the old story-- but why does it happen to others too? Or how can I make them realise wth they're doing? Theyre only damaging themselves anyway :(

Sorry for being all over the place

And also, I said im working on my self concept, so I found out some major beliefs I had, and while meditating i discovered this random old memory from when I was a child ig which I think is where I started to buy into me being guilty and ashamed of who I am. Ik this stuff is what they call shadow work but still do u know where I can go from here? How do I work with this awful memory? To like put it away forever, coz I thought being aware of it would be enough, but it isnt. Some say forgive urself, and the others in the memory, but idk it doesn't seem to work for me. I don't feel relief. Do u have experience with this? Or do u have a resource u could share with me that deals with this safely?

Ok bye bye luvv u

Hi!

Firstly I want to say I'm sorry this is something you are experiencing. But thanks to the law, you have the power to change it for good.

That being said, I think this is why it's really important to go all in when you come to the law of assumption. It's a lot deeper than just manifesting things. You can't be one foot in, one foot out when it comes to the law. You have to acknowledge all the concepts and learn how to apply them. You're experiencing a lot more grief over this topic, because of how you're not applying "everyone is you pushed out." Taking full responsibility for every aspect of the law, and therefore every aspect of your life, will lead you to the solutions you're seeking.

"but why does it happen to others too? Or how can I make them realise wth they're doing?"

It's not happening to anyone else. It's only happening to you and you're experiencing it happening to "others" because of how you're keeping this reality alive. You don't have to make them realize anything, not by force anyway. All you have to do is go within. There is no one to change but self. Period. There's a really good article that could help you get on the right track with this:

No One To Change But Self

When it comes to that memory, from my experience the best I could ever do is let it be and know how it means nothing anymore. Even if it still hurts. The thing is, self concept work has more to do with building self confidence. And this confidence lies in remembering who you really are: God of your reality. The more you focus on that instead, the pain surrounding the memory will begin to dissolve on it's own. Because you know how anything not aligned with love just simply isn't the truth anymore. I think this following article could be helpful in giving you an idea on how to navigate difficult inner moments.

Self Acceptance

I hope this is helpful! 💖

[lucatorahaven]

vampire au post

4 skype convos haphazardly mixed in from very different times

[29/11/2014 4:27:51 AM] Probably Not Assorted Cheeses: Vampire au

Lucas the incompetent vampire who eats mostly animals

Duster was the one who bit him, only bc duster was literally starving n lucas came at a bad time

idk if duster should be born a vampire or not but Wes is one too and together they taught lucas how to survive.

however eventually they had to leave, they offered for lucas to join them but lucas can’t leave his family behind, the kid’s too sentimental :’(

so together they staged his death (which im too lazy to try n think of)

claus knew bout the vampire thing tho, lucas couldn’t live alone like that. He also ended up biting Boney in an accident so hey vampire dog.

claus grew up and eventually had his own family. Lucas could only really watch from afar but then the kids got his age and it was hard to see him and keep the gig up. He visited his parents funeral anonymously and afterwards him and claus stood there just

“sup” “how’re the kids” “twice your age and with kids of their own” “heh, i always thought you would be the one with kids yano?” 

it was very bittersweet, it felt like they’ve never been apart 

“it never stops feeling strange without you” "I know” 

lucas thinks of that conversation a lot

he started off the "younger uncle" then the "weird neighbourhood kid that visits grandpa claus" and inevitably the "weird kid from nowhere who goes to the cemetary every other month to put flowers on graves older than appears to be"

SO without attachments lucas traveled with boney, hoping that they find duster along the way.

eventually lucas comes back to tazmilly but it’s been a couple hundred years now and it’s completely different so he doesn’t recognize it

n lucas one day is caught outside with no shelter, it’s almost morning so he runs into osohe (which is way outta town so he assumed it was abandoned)

vampires can’t enter homes without being invited in because apparently homes are holy land but osohe is fuckn haunted so that doesn’t apply (adding on to the abandoned theory)

that’s how kumatora and him meet, she finds him exploring osohe all “wtf the fuck who are YOU...this me house”

So she gets an awkward lie explanation from lucas 

n she eventually catches on lucas is a vampire n is just DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I NEVER MET A VAMPIRE BEFORE FUCKN SWEET

lucas is just UM.;;; IS IT OK IF I STAY

"oh dude it's cool!! but u gotta tell me bout yourself bc i never met a vampire before ok?? i live iN THE PERFECT GOTHIC HOME BUT THERE’S NONE!! but here you are and i’m JACKED i gotta go to work tho so brb but afterwards u gotta tell me about yourself ok CYA"

lucas is still processing everything by the time she leaves, but he’s grateful and figures a conversation is the least he can do to repay her

in this au kumatora’s into cryptology bc her house is FULL of books and it’s a common subject (also the fact her castle is filled with ghosts and there are zombies just across the moat, it’s a p convenient hobby)

when she comes back she’s super excited because he’s still there 

lucas is kinda reserved but he still answers questions bc it’s POLITE

she asks bout p much everything?? “HEY do you need that” “y-yes” “is this true?” “not that i know of” “ok experiment time” “uH;;” “wait am i keeping you up?? it’s still daytime” “no it’s okay” 

after exhausting lucas of all his Vampire Facts kuma invites lucas to live at osohe castle, it’s big enough anyways

lucas is wary af bc he doesn't wanna accidentally get close to someone who 1. has a life span and 2. is technically food

but lucas ends up sticking around anyways, boney really likes it and he lowkey enjoys her company

so they keep chillin n lucas tells her how he hunts animals n how he only takes a bit of blood so they don't die and 

IDK I GO BY THE THEORY THAT VAMPIRES HAVE VENOM bc otherwise their entire food source becomes COMPETITION n they can bite but not?? TURN THEM INTO ANYTHIng so controlled blood flow for feeding purposes

also vampires only need to eat once or twice a month? they die around 6+ months without eating from starvation. It all depends on how quickly the blood cells in their body die basically.

ALSO when they bite you it doesn’t hurt bc their saliva numbs it so (sneaky bites) but it still feels weird as shit

bUT YA SO LUCAS N KUMATORA CHAt a whole bunch...you know that “accidentally get close” thing i mentioned? it happened

(it was kinda hard to avoid when the first companion you have that’s not your dog is informed on vampires and vampire goods, that was convenient)

so they keep hangin out and kumatora unlocks his Tragic Backstory

n sometimes kumatora helps him feed? like they go out together finding animals n storing blood

n lucas is fascinated with how technology has advanced bc he doesn't really?? go into towns anymore but he fuckn LOVES it

n they play video games n general COOL FUNTIMES

kumatora let’s lucas borrow her labtop to occupy himself and he looks for other vampires or hints of them

(this is under the assumption that osohe can get electricity in a modern au while still being ignored / abandoned)

n when kumatora goes to work he cleans up the castle n tries to show how much hE REALLY APPRECIATES HEr

n lIKE i also go by the logic that vampires do not do the stereotypical “turn into ashes at sunlight” it is a slow progression that takes up to 12 hours until absolutely turned to a crisp 

so basically if he covers himself and wears a shit ton of sunscreen he can chill in the middle of the day for like...a hour or two

and bc kumatora's WORTH IT he visits her at work n she's all LucAS WHAT ARe yO U DoING??   

lookin like a modern goth kid......has a huge red burn on his cheek..

he blames it on how pale/blonde he is “my brother is ginger you know”

kuma gets super worried n he's all bruh it cool i have like..2 more hours until i need to go to a hospital   

n kumas jsuT I GET OFF IN 4 HOURS GO HOME

kumatora invites him to movie nights with her friends n shit

people start calling lucas kumatora's goth boyfriend “never call him that when he's around or i'll murder you”

theyre all rather cool with lucas and find his speech kinda funny?

"wow look at those teeny boppers" "GET A LOAD OF THIS GUY GOD I LOVE IT" “???????????????" kumas friends ask for lucas more all WHAT SCHOOL DOES HE GO TO WHERE DOES HE LIVE "oh he's......foreign B)"

eventually it comes up how lucas doesn’t really want to be a vampire anymore and kumatoras just “dude i can help you find a cure” bc maybe her hobby is a bit Excessive but live your dreams

but ya lucas is just?? constantly wants to visit kumatora n loves her night shifts!! visits all the time they go on hikes a lot n jusT? GETS SO FUCKIGN ATTACHED IT SCARES HIM CONSTANTLY

they sometimes fall asleep on the couch together n when he's all "wow shes so cute.." he realizes how fucking Deep he’s in this and he’s FUCKED

he tries to distance himself but he Can’t Fucking Do It (just like w/ his fam)

whenever he tries to push her away she looks so upset it kills him 

N HE'S IN SUCH A STRUGGLE BC HE'S JUST

SO HAPPY TO BE AROUND HER??????

N LIKE WHEN THEY CUDDLE N STUFF HE'S JUST SO OVERWHELMED BC oh my god heartbeats!! oh my god she's gonna die before me

n lucas really fucking feels the severity of how FUCKED he is when its her birthday n hes just

yes she's gonna age and he's gonna outlive her n they could never realistically be happy even if by some offhand chance she even RETURNS the feelings

N HE HAS TO HIDE HIS CRYING N STUFF BUT KUMATORA HAS  A 6TH FUCKN SENSE FOR DISTRESSED LUCAS SO SHE'S ALL bruh :( whats up

so he opens up to her about his feelings and anxiety and she hugs him through it, it’s kind of a shitty way to confess 

“idk if i can forgive you for deciding that i’m gonna die before you” “are you threatening murder” “that and no way death’s gonna get me, i’m pretty stubborn”

a lil while passes

“you know... i’m okay with becoming a vampire” lucas refuses bc dude.. you can’t even comprehend the weight of immortality.. what if she regrets it 

“to hell if i make my closest friend suffer because of a life span” “hah i guess that’s the same for me”

they drop the vampire topic for the time being and move on to other ones such as... mutual feelings :^)

they’re both romantically inclined i mean... lucas spent 300+ years being a hermit and kumatora had other things to do

so they take it slow, it’s p much the same as before except.. hey...now when i think “man i wanna hold their hand” i CAN

it'd also be really sad and/or cute if the ghosts in the castle some of them were lucas's family which might be why boney likes it so much but also imagine them kissin on the couch "kuma ghosts r there" "EH THEYRE JUst ghosts" ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) claus looks into the camera "after so long... finally my little brother gets some action :')"

but idk if that’s a thing bc it feels kinda weird i feel like kissin n shit wouldn't b very often bc as much as they both loVE IT 

IT'S NOT THAT GREAT FOR A VAMPIRE

YANO.... HEARTS R BEATING... NECK IS RIGHT THERE (lucas still adores it tho)

so back to the topic of Mortality

kuma gets attacked in an alley on the way home from work

n lucas finds her bc they were gonna meet up but he smelt the blood and when he does find her he just goes FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK n didn't know how to save her 

also thinking rationally is hard when OH LOOK AT ALL THAT BLOOD AHhaHA

SO HE BITES HER

he carries her body home n he spends the whole waiting process between DEAD and VAMPIRE crying just "hoyl shti please work please work" “what did i fucking dooooo” “what if i was earlier” “what if i was too late” so many anxieties

kuma wakes up and lucas transistions from panic to HAPPY PANIC OH THANK GOD

she’s really out of it bc of the process and he’s crying apologies “it’s okay you saved me” but he’s still crying, they cuddle for comfort

"hey atleast we did it NOW when i'm a hot sexy 19 yr old and not a wrinkly old lady” “kuma” “i’m tryna make light of the conversation”

so now that kumatora’s a vampire she only works night shifts until she eventually quits. They moved to a new town / whatever so it was easy to avoid having to meet someone in the daytime. facebook helped keep in touch with her friends while still letting the friendship die out.

it took kumatora a bit to get used to being a vampire. she threw up a lot at first and she didn’t like having to drink blood but she did eventually get used to it

idk if they find a cure bc idk what the cure would BE but they eventually find other vampires :^) they continued lucas’s search for duster and probably found him tbh

[theskyexists]

the amazing she-ra 5

i am LOVING this first episode. they’re TRULY the underdogs now. people are hiding with magic. they live in tents. they’ve lost their edge. they’re actually leaning into the horrors of war now

Shadowweaver says OOC stupid things but it doesn’t matter because the princesses shut it down satisfactorily. Adora is weighed down by responsibility in a cool way.

Catra is staking out the enemy and weaseling her way in. (yessss)

‘You don’t need to say it! I know. I made that choice. I’m living with the consequences.’ I LOVE THIS ADORA

I LOVE THIS WRITING. Catra and Glimmer are THE greatest pair ever. Glimmer is smart enough to poke right through Catra’s defenses - and NOW they’re in the same situation - Glimmer says so - and immediately the prison wall fades away - and they’re both invited for dinner. THAT DELICIOUS WRITING

i do love how shadowweaver has been this snarky aunt for two seasons now.

Hord Prime shows us Adora in danger and Catra is like; FUCK YOU ADORA’S MINE (TO DESTROY) !!!!

I love Hord Prime’s wonderfully manipulative dinner. And I love glimmer quietly crying and I love Catra being like HRMMMM I DONT LIKE THIS. the subtle animations are so great - the close-ups

the way Catra speaks to Hord Prime - the way she’s really fuckin scared and the way Hord Prime says ‘little sister’. The way they make him seem unbeatable. I LVOE IT.

AND I LOVE THESE VISIONS FOR ADORA

jezus but how few people really live in etheria ?

the propaganda and the tech to boost prime’s image everywhere....ugh it’s delicious. im also happy Entrapta is back and on the good side instead of helping Catra be a bitch to Adora. and im glad the princesses are wary of her.

hahahaah awww Bo came to give adora breakfast and then he panics when she’s lying on the floor. I ALSO LOVE BO AND ADORA TOGETHER BEST

goddamnit Bo YAH! finally somebody who effectively protects someone from the masses. fuck off micah!

Love the princesses acting on their own - love Scorpia mediating, love mermista stepping up, love Entrapta using her .....intelligence

I love how Hord Prime manipulating Glimmer is used to show us more about his empire.

‘i only want to bring peace’ - but also i destroyed all these worlds. how is that...how is that even surface compatible?? like no attempt is made to align those two things.

wait....the heart of etheria will destroy the universe? why??? why is that the assumption. and why...does Hord Prime want that? i....

the comedy of the princesses doing a mission alone is GREAT

IM SO HAPPY THE PRINCESSES GOT TO HIT ENTRAPTA WHERE IT HURTS. now THIS is the right level of comedy versus hurt

the way scorpia rolled to cover frosta in her bulk!

i love how adora is like - HAH sleep is great actually! wow!!

because of the underlying grievances that we EXPERIENCED as audience, this friendship moment actually LANDS

I REINSTATE MY HOORAY!!! (hahahaha god i love scorpia). oh my god Micah saying he trusts glimmer’s friends to save her - fuckin hell - heart squeeze

LOOK AT THAT SHIT. LOOK AT IT!!! Glimmer being angry at Catra - but then recanting and showing vulnerability. Catra showing vulnerability by acquiescing. GOD!!!

‘why did you do it?’ OH GOD ARRGHGHHG THATS SO FUCKING PAINFUL. why does Catra scratch Adora? Because she doesn’t understand - seems to not make the effort to understand!! because she’s never understood that everybody always hurt her - she never fucking saw when it was right in front of her. THat’s even worse in a way than being hurt.

god the fuckin scale. the planet getting bombarded from space....jezus christ.

theres a hallway with light and dark at the end - its implied she goes into the dark - BECAUSE SHE INTENDS TO HIDE FROM WHO FOLLOWS HER

wow she instantly realises he’s hordak. ha!

Catra is being so open with Glimmer. She’s REALLY REALLY! off balance

they have a talking ritual!!!! THEYRE BONDING ABOUT ADORA BEING A DORK!!!!

Catra realises that nothing she was doing on Etheria had any value to her!!!! I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

I love how Adora gets to be such a badass dork this season!!!! Bo and Adora + Glimmer and Catra are the BEST COMBINATION

godDAMN they made these clones creepy. damn i LOVE Hord Prime!!!

catra/glimmer......tho.....

she pushes her onto the bed and kneels before her, holding her hands. DUDES. MY DUDES!!!! catra is they gayest cat in existence

‘do one good thing in your life!’ - oh OUCH god, you can feel the whole weight of all the hurt and injustice she’s experienced in ‘dont talk to me like you know me!’

HAHAHAHAHAHAH BO losing his mind and Adora being a hilarious himbo is SO GOOD

I LOVE CATRA’S ABSOLUTELY HEARTBREAKING ADORABLE MEMORY AND HALLUCINATIONS

‘im alway going to be your friend’  - ‘i’ll never say sorry to anybody’ GODDD

‘all i do is hurt people, there’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me’ - a reasonable assumption based on your behaviour except for the fact that Adora has been trying to reach you for 4 FUCKING seasons with hand outstretched

THAT WAS SO FUCKING DRAMATIC I AM IN LOVE !! IN LOVE WITH THEM!!!!

are you fucking SERIOUS - ENTRAPTA MADE AN AB WINDOW IN BO’S SPACE SUIT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

the animation in this goddamn season is CRAZY and INCREDIBLE

I ADORE Catra the self Martyr i ADORE that she’s going to go through the wringer still in Hord Prime’s hands.

THIS SEASON IS WORTH ALL THE REST

are YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME- i HATE THAT SHIT WHY MUST YOU MAR THIS SEASON WITH AN INTERRUPTION OF AN APOLOGY. STOP IT!!! IT’S NOT FUN IT’S NOT SATISFYING IT RUINS THE MOMENT IT WEAKENS THE EMOTION BY DRAGGING IT OUT FUCK!!!!

well i guess that was pretty good with Adora. wish they had made that a little bit longer

i love entrapta. she’s such a perfect element to throw into the mix. and her connections with AI’s are great

that scorpia and swift wind talk is so beautiful. they are also the PERFECT pair. ‘gosh have you ever noticed how many moons we have here? it’s weird.’ HAHAHAHA

they’re visiting a planet that’s been conquered by Prime...

I love how they made Entrapta flirty with her tech ahahahaha

i love how Adora is like: oh??? you’re coming to me??? for emotional advice??? uhhhhhh ok haha nice

I LOVE ADORA

i love swift wind’s drunk history retelling of what’s going on on Etheria - especially his impression of shadowweaver and his batman micah

Bo sure is very bad at forgiveness himself lol

‘well im NOT! running awayy that is. i AM smart’ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i love you adora

Adora spewing all her bullshit about Catra to total strangers ahahaha

this was SUCH amazing teamwork!!!

AND THAT MOMENT OF SHE-RA BEING BACK!!!!

GLIMMER ACKNOWLEDGING SHE MADE A MISTAKE AND THAT BO DESERVES TO BE MAD AND MAYBE THINGS WON’T BE THE SAME AGAIN BUT SHE WON’T STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT BETTER AND SHE’LL BE THERE IF HE’S EVER READY

FUCKING TEARS BABEY

jezus christ !! that was good!!! i take it back - it was a stupid interruption (they could have just had Bo respond ‘eh’ at an attempt at apology from glimmer....maybe) but they made the final apology INCREDIBLE

‘i can’t just leave her...’ the voice acting in this is sO GOOD

Catra made her whole plan to keep Adora away from Prime based on the assumption that if Glimmer was in Prime’s hands, then Adora would come to rescue her no matter the danger. So she saved Glimmer. But SHE FAILED TO REALISE THAT ADORA WOULD DO THE SAME FOR HER AHAHAHAHAHAHAA

the amazing thing about these highly tech advanced societies is that none of them have invented security cameras

glimmer getting some ptsd flashes

I KNEW that the heart of etheria was built by the First Ones to fight Hordak. Makes Mara’s decision a bit more ---- hMMMM not as great. Because Hordak has killed countless worlds since!

the hive mind lol. jezus Prime is so terrible.

oh my god the very concepts of Prime when behind a fictional buffer are so archtypically delicious. Catra’s glowy green eyes and full bow. hohhohhohho. that uniform also looks great

so Prime could do this to everyone but he chose to surround himself with clones. goddamn.

oh damn that lean-in, those hands on her neck. hmmmhm. gay

she FLINCHES when Prime lays a hand on her shoulder. DAMN. love it

‘you will give me she-ra’ ---- isn’t that what she’s been offering all along? lol

AND THEN HE LEAVES ADORA WITH A BRAINWASHED CONTROLLED PUPPET CATRA WHO ATTACKS HER

OH ITS SO DELICIOUS

brainwashed Catra is really sexy and disturbing hahahahahaha

this fight is so well choreographed. Catra letting herself almost fall, Adora gathering her into her arms, the scratch across the back, the damn knee into the midriff (OUCH), the dangling her in turn.

‘i always hated that guy in particular - and also all the other guys i hit on the way in.’ LOLOLOLOL

THE CHEEK TOUCH - THE TEARS AND SMILE - THE GREEN EYES AND THE BACKHAND AFJLDJFDSJFLKDSJSDFKSDFJ

‘you’re such an idiot!’

‘yeah! i know!’

I LOVE THEM AAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS SO TRUE AHAHAHAHAHAHAI LOVE THEM

‘im going to take you home’

‘promise?’

NOELLE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME

Adora watches Catra probably die and fall off into a endless pit. JUMPS IN AFTER HER ONE SECOND LATER

Prime really did miscalculate lol - his ship’s been destroyed by one stab at a server.

CATRA ALMOST DYING AND ADORA TRANSFORMING WITH GLOWY EYES GODDAMN!!!! HOLDING CATRA INTO HER ARMS BRIDAL STYLE. NEW OUTFIT!! WALKING INTO THE SHIP LIKE A BOSS. AND HEALS HER. HEY ADORA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SHE FUCKING

PURRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all the fucking crying is so good

‘I kNOW YOU ALL HATE ME!” ‘I NEVER HATED YOU’ ‘Then you’re dumber than I thought’ HAHAHAHAHA i love how Catra cannot accept Adora’s friendship because she cannot forgive herself. but Adora never fucking gets it because she has the emotional intelligence of a crab!!!! the problem is that Adora is the exact shape of Catra’s heart - which is one big open wound. And if she presses - all she does is cause hurt

Catra is so adorable looking god.....

SPINERELLA AND NETOSSA KISSED!!!!!!!! awwwwwww they’ve been so cute for so long and they only got more and more screentime and Awwwww

Not-Hordak and ‘dehydrated protein slaw’ AhAHAHAHA

how did they find us? UHHH THERES A CHIP IN CATRA’S SPINE????

ADORA TELLING CATRA WHAT’S UP!! YES! Catra in a corner. Catra on her damn KNEES. ADORA BLUSHING AT HOLDING HER HAND

their first impulse is to hold each other at the ship shaking.

CATRA IS BLUSHING LOOKING AT ADORA TRANSFORM

SHE-RA CAN LITERALLY FLY THROUGH SPACE - well. make matter from light, breathe in a vacuum, jumpt from one asteroid to another....

I AM GLIMMER IN THIS: YEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Catra is very lucky that her biggest likely hater is already on her side: glimmer

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SPINERELLAAAA. what a fuckin bait and punch goddamn! making them so cute and then foreshadowing it perfectly and then BAM

CATRA IS CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO MESS WITH ADORA BY LITERALLY JUMPING INTO ADORA’S LAP

fjadslkfasdjflkadjfsja

CATRA IS

PURRING

catra is so effortlessly cool sitting in the window sill

i am actually loving that they have a not-Hordak with them. it humanises those clones a lot

this prince has farsight but they NEVER thought to recruit him BEFORE???

FUCKIN - I LOVE how spinerella and netossa have gotten so much more screentime - relevant to the plot and also revealing their characters. i wish we’d got this from the start!

well now i ship perfuma and scorpia lolololol

HAHAHAHAHA i LOVE this Seahawk and Mermista hiding behind a bar because of ex victims skjsfajfklds

Prince Peekabloo has an AMAZING design, but also he must be a fake. IT MUST BE DOUBLE TROUBLE. double trouble has TASTE

MERMISTA LOOKS SO COOL IN THAT OUTFIT - but also especially chipped and in shadows. they do love chipping people’s love interests

SCORPIA SACRIFICING HERSELF TO SAVE PERFUMA. jezus christ so much love interest drama suddenly wow

‘happy anniversary’ that is HEARTBREAKING

what a great ending to a very silly episode. that’s the balance. a last message from the last soldier standing...

‘WHY DOES SPACE HATE ME SO MUCH!?!?!’ hahahahaah

Catra’s fingers shake......

‘take it from somebody who’s defeated you guys, like, a lot’ AAHAHAHA

FINALLY CATRA IS ON THEIR SIDE TO BE THE SMARTS IN TEH ROOM

ADORA LOOKS SO BADASS IN THAT SPACESHIP CHAIR

chipping everyboddy so they’re like zombies was a great story idea.

catra upset at her signs of upset. CUTE

why the FUCK is Adora’s hair out of her spacesuit ahahahahahahaha. IM SO GLAD THAT BO AGREES WITH ME ON THE ADORABLENESS OF CATRAS HELMET HAHAHAHAHAA

catra is happy to see adora laugh again.... : ‘)

CATRA JUST CLAWED THROUGH FIVE CENTIMETERS OF STEEL????!?!?!?!

ADORA IS BLUSHING AAHAHAHAHAHAAAA

I LOVE how Catra is like, WHAT THE FUCK at having lost to these people

Entrapta trying to deal with Wrong-Hordak in existential crisis is a hilarious premise

THE ANGRIER YOU GET THE CUTER YOU ARE!!! I LOVE BO

oh wow! a first ones colony! very cool! this whole planet works against intruders and plays tricks on them. i do like how first ones are definitely like, still imperial shitlords like subtly. i love how Wrong-Hordak has a realisation arc in the background.

HOLY SHIT THIS IS CREEPY

CATRA DISARMED THIS CAT CREATURE WITH HER CUTE SNEEZE AHAHAHAHA

CATRA IS PETTING A CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHAHAHAHA EVERY SINGLE THING WE COULD HAVE EVER WANTED IS COMING TRUE

catra is working on not lashing out :’) <= literally adora and also me

Melog is so ADORABLE and imprinted on Catra and LOVES ADORA and AGHGHGHG

I love how Adora can make her eyes glow on command

Castaspella was blushing at Shadowweaver being so close lolololol. wow this is the first time Castaspella has been interesting. ‘and stop me, if i take the power for myself’ i love aunty shadowweaver.

AAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH WHAT HAHAAHHAAAAHA Catra notices she’s holding Adora’s hand and goes ARGGH and doesn’t just take her hand back but throws it away ahhaahaha. Adora doesn’t even respond. that was so hilarious for some reason.

GLIMMER KISSING CATRA’S CHEEK HELLO??? HELLO?????????

‘is what i would have said before i joined you. go team’ hahahaa

‘you’re wearing hooded cloaks. that’s highly suspicious’ AHAHAHAHAHA fucking meta

I LOVE HOW ADORA IS THE ‘oh god my fuckin friends blowing our cover great’ person here

MELOG IS ALREADY STEALING MUSHROOMS FOR CATRA TO EAT AHAHAHAHA I LOVE THEM

Spinerella and Netossa are so BADASS and i love their fight. it’s so deliciously painful and cool hehehehehe

so the only person im fighting here is!.....my own wife...

I LOVE THEM

spinerella is so op lololol - why did she barely do anything for them when they were still fighting hordak

wrong hordak is so fucking cute ahahahahaha

goddamn that reunion was touching and funny at the same time. and i can actually believe that Prime is having trouble with this slippery team of magic users

I love Netossa’s analysis of the princesses weaknesses. Adora: can’t act to save her life. also extreme hair envy with she-ra

BUT GLIMMER: crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris AHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA

OH MY GOD SHE SPRITZED CATRA WITH WATER JFDKLDFWDSFKSDFKJLDSJFJDSFKDSLKFSDLFJLKFLKDJFLKS AHAAHAHAAHA

PERFUMA DON”T BE A BITCH TO CATRA. (even though yeah Catra did treat Scorpia bad) she’s right you need to fuckin go for the neck (this episode is gonna show us that you need to damage the chip AND get through to scorpia and it’s going to take catra and perfuma ofc)

awwwww glimmer and bo.... bo is really worried about his dad :’( . this is the first time ive found myself shipping bo and glimmer.....the way he sighs into her arms, turns his face into her neck. Yes....

AWWW CATRA AND ADORA CHALLENGING EACH OTHER AGAIN AWWWW

BO’S DADS LEFT HIM A CLUE IN A FUCKING DAD JOKE ahahaahahahahaah

perfuma is really getting on my nerves here. ‘we dont throw tanks at our friends’ uhhhh shes trying to kill you. just let perfuma get electrocuted adora

AH THEY FINALLY GIVE AN ORIGIN STORY FOR ‘GRAYSKULL’! ha! i do love how they keep elaborating on the First Ones as tyrants as well

hmm perfuma was right i guess. i didnt really like that development. urgh god perfuma is so grating lol..

i wonder how shadowweaver and catra are gonna....deal with each other....

hah. shadowweaver tries to weasel in with Adora again. but Adora won’t stand for it again....

Melog literally acts out Catra’s emotions and jumps adora playfully. hehehehe

shadowweaver is such a fucking bitch. i wonder if we’ll ever get her to admit guilt or apologise

no adora. you have to fucking defend catra to shadowweaver. THAT is what you have to do now that you can!

SHE JUST JUMPED INTO FIRE FOR ADORA

shadowweaver preying on Adora and Catra again goddddd. let this be an episode in which they finally shuck her off. Adora fucking THINK, the only reason you could transform in the first place was BECAUSE of Catra.

YEAHHHHH CATRA!!!!!!!! GETTING ALL THE INFO BEFORE ADORA GETS MANIPULATED INTO SOMETHING SHE DIDN’T CHOOSE. naturally she still chooses to do it.

Melog lies half on top of Adora while Catra watches her.... god fuckin hell Melog being an extension of Catra’s feelings is so fucking AMAZING

holy FUCK that confrontation. (i love how every confrontation between adora and catra starts in roughhousing - their language is extremely physical). this is the softer version of catra’s and adora’s dynamic. Catra loves Adora and she wants Adora to choose HER, LIFE WITH HER. ‘what do you want?’ (WHAT ABOUT ME??) But Adora always chooses some higher hero purpose over her. and she doesn’t want to watch Adora die....

‘i dont have to watch it happen...’

god fuckin hell this season.

shadowweaver BELIEVES that she did the right things - of course. and that’s fascinating. and I love that Adora finally totally truly was like: YOU RUIN PEOPLE AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. fuck yeah!

so when was the moment that Adora couldn’t become she-ra anymore? think it’s when she lost track of Catra....

I love Melog - I love how Catra cannot hide from her feelings anymore - at all.

the way glimmer asks adora ‘are you scared?’ ugh MY HEART

i love martyrs. i fucking LOVE martyrs.

oh my god hallucination Catra touching foreheads with Adora.....

EVERYTIME Glimmer just straight up shows Catra affection? that’s some good shit. i thought we were gonna have Glimmer going after Catra for her mother’s death at one point but no....not at all. and i dont mind it

GLIMMER SAID I LOVE YOU TWICE TO BO AND THEN BO SAID IT BACK AND KISSED HER DSFKSDLBJDS FOREHEAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MARA!!!

the fights this season have been SO! GOOD!

i love how they’ve set up that Glimmer is a fucking POWERHOUSE. she can turn the tide of battle in a blink!

naturally they pit Micah against Glimmer. jfc this poor family....

there is something important about Prime not remembering Mara....

SHE BEAT MICAH SHE BEAT HIM!!!! WALKING RIGHT THROUGH HIS STORM OF DARK MAGIC.

SCORPIA CRADLED BO LIKE A BABY

SHADOWWEAVER SAVING CATRA? FOR ONCE???? FOR ONCE CHOOSING CATRA OVER POWER????? FUCK THAT’S CATHARTIC EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY TO GET ADORA TO THE HEART

catra has such a soft heart really. she still, after everything, loves shadowweaver. god....

SHE SAID SHE WAS PROUD OF CATRA. SHE --- SHE - SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF. GOD THE VOICEACTING FOR CATRA WHEN SHE - ADORA FALLING TO HER KNEES. THEIR PSEUDO MOTHER... AGHLDJDWFJJDSLF

FUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKk

EVERY SINGLE LINE IS SO GOOD, so well-acted. the ‘im ready’ the way she says ‘catra’ like she can’t take anything anymore

i couldn’t write anything for the whole rest of that i was just covering my mouth with my hands

The fuckiN KISS! the look of PURE LOVE on ADoRA”S FACE

which in the back of my head - they cannot actually cut that in any way - it’s impossible to cut

adora with those blue eyes in the blaze, the magic is beautiful adora excising prime from hordak’s mind (WOW), adora and catra touching foreheads and the slight PURR you can hear, adult bo and glimmer (lookin so nice), adult catra (LOOKING SO HANDSOME in her prom-y outfit,) Glimmer chasing Catra, just, GOD, THE UTENA FUCKING REFERENCE, the way they say they love each other, my GOD, Scorpia being like woah perfuma you look nice, MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD THEM GOING TO SPREAD MAGIC TO THE UNIVERSE GOD!!!!!!

every single thing in this season was worth 4 seasons of enjoyable, entertaining, interesting, frustrating and meh. WOAH! WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Hey, I found more. Get ready to lose some more brain cells:

I don't know if this is weird but I find teens and adults with autism are really cute.

Just make autism illegal. Simple. (This isn’t infantilization, but it’s ridiculous).

All the people with autism are so lovely 😊. They see the world around then in a different way. They areinnocent and kind in their heart ❣.

People with autism are so beautiful and adorable. They're parents are heroes

people don't talk about autism as much as they should. people with autism are fucking adorable okay like theye beautifulllllllll i fucking love how theyre so creative and nice and funny and can just light up a room i love them so much stop sleeping on them thanks.

Say hello to Jay. I had the privilege and honor to spend this afternoon with Jay. Jay is a 28-years old young adult with autism. Jay is almost non-verbal and speaks only in short phrases or sentences and is completely and totally dependent on others in his daily living. The look in his eyes and the smile on his face just lights up the whole room. Children and adults with autism display the highest levels of innocence and purity of mankind. They are truly exceptional in every aspect of their lives and they have exceptional parents too. Stay tuned for more news about an upcoming collaboration between Shift to Shine and Autism Sings. How many Hellos would Jay get? Please share, comment and like in order to support Jay and Autism Sings so we can create a better way of living for adults with autism.

Although our son is still a teen and has severe autism, I can imagine that this will be us too. Many children and adult children with disabilities (who I know) are very affectionate and have this innocent love.  ❤

That's freaking sad 😔 to do to ANYONE; especially w/ SPECIAL God GIVEN talents and skills grr; also known as Aspergers disorder 😔. They are very sweet, MOSTY INNOCENT 😇 kids and adults which I know some of them 😳 💥 fr!!

It is evident that you have never in your life interacted with a child or person with special needs, and for that I am sad for you- as you will never know the meaning of true innocence.

"LOVE this book! Captures the humor, personality, innocence, and essence of a character with autism, as well as the concerns of a family dealing with their own issues--grief, adult siblings, responsibilities, assumptions, etc.

Thought-provoking topics and awareness presented in novel form that is a fun read for anyone (not just autism parents). Full disclosure: I am a parent of a young man with autism. I have over 25 years of experience--reading fiction/nonfiction books, newsletters, articles, legislation and science reviews, and watching movies and television episodes depicting characters on the autism spectrum. This novel is, by far, my favorite depiction." --Renata Irving

The beauty in Cameron’s disability is that his innocence remains protected.

All the people with autism are so lovely 😊. They see the world around then in a different way. They areinnocent and kind in their heart ❣.

Honestly I believe children and adults with autism are actually normal because they are innocent and don't really know the craziness of the world they are just pure at heart ✌️

(I’ve shared this next one already, but fuck it. We’re gonna look at it again, cuz why the fuck not?)

Dear families I am begging you to listen to me. Over the last few years I have heard heart breaking stories of our young adults getting into trouble with the law in a variety of ways. The individuals with autism are usually innocent, entrapped or unaware of the situation unfolding. Several of these young adults have served time and families have lost huge amounts of money trying to protect their children from the system.

Here are my recommendations based on these families experiences.

Here is my plea: 1. Get guardianship. You can always give it up later. 2. Teach your child to reach out and use you as a resource. Teach them to ask for help even as adults. 3. Being a helicopter parent is important as we release our adults in the world. There will be a huge transition and we should be actively involved in double checking they are handling life okay and not being taken advantage of or bullied in any way. (NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO!) 4. Be brutally honest about your child’s strengths and weaknesses and put measures in place to help them build those weaknesses up. Set goals and really think about what tools they need and create them. Denial is not your child’s friend. 5. Understand all the technology your child uses and double check it. There are people including law enforcement on social media and playing games who may entrap your child without the child knowing they are doing anything wrong. According to Homeland Security Officer I talked to there is no privacy in any of the technology platforms and every thing is recorded. 6. Make sure to put your child thru the Be Safe Program. Be Safe helps our young adults interact safely with law enforcement. One of the issues discussed is understanding their right to remain silent and their right for an attorney. You have to understand this right to get this right and it needs to be explicitly taught.

We want our individuals with autism to be included in society but society does not always accommodate them and that is ESPECIALLY true of the legal system. I have tried for years to do trainings for courts, so far I have trained people who work within the system excluding the real people needing the training like judges and prosecutors and defense attorneys. Our Be Safe Program has made huge changes in our relationships with law enforcement but the legal system is still a train wreck. So we must be very vigilant and protect our kids!

Autistic people are so innocent and cute i just can't 

RIP Joe Clyde Daniels; It saddens us when you wake up to hear news like this. People with autism are so loving and we can learn a lot from them. Heaven has a new angel.

I wish more people with disabilities such as autism would be given more employment, always happy and helpful. Too many useless able bodied people with no customer service skills

'Atypical' on Netflix makes me want to cry, group of folk laughing at a guy cause he has autism,people with autism are so precious It's horrible how in this age people say autistic as an insult. People can't help autism and people with autism are precious

happy autism awareness acceptance month! ppl with autism are the most precious people ever and we don't deserve them

Always trying to understand how my brother actually feels,People with autism are just as precious as ones without it

'Atypical' on Netflix makes me want to cry, group of folk laughing at a guy cause he has autism,people with autism are so precious

Happy forever children's day to the people having autism.

(But bitch, I’m not done. There’s more, but I’ll wait a bit)

[mx-requests-forum]

[Fulfilled] Never Have I...

Prompt: changki roommates au + they hate each other and fight over everything/A day theyre drunk and have angry sex (bottom power!Kihyun) + Kihyun realizes he has feelings for Changkyun but hes too scared to confess (M)

Fulfilled by Moderator M~

Words: 5169

Warnings: explicit rating

AO3 Link

“Hey Changkyun, is there any way I could possibly get you to take out your own damn trash for once?” Kihyun asked, his tone pointed as he angrily began grabbing the trash bag, shooting a glare over his shoulder while doing so. Changkyun, who was currently sprawled across the couch in the common area, bristled at the pointed comment, his eyes squinting as he looked over at Kihyun.

“That trash is barely even full, I would’ve gotten it later when it became full,” Changkyun replied, scrolling through his twitter feed as he half-glared over at his nagging roommate. This was a pretty common scene for them, and it usually began with Kihyun’s assumption that everything Changkyun did was always inherently wrong. Kihyun rolled his eyes, slipping on his shoes as he lugged the trash bag in his other hand.

“Yeah, maybe that would’ve been fine if you didn’t dump a whole fucking thing of Go-Gurt into the trash yesterday and then left it there to ferment,” Kihyun said, cringing as he swiftly exits the room, his tone angry and a touch condescending, making Changkyun’s chest throb. There was something deathly attractive about Kihyun’s voice when he got mad at Changkyun… even when he was looking down on his childish living habits, Changkyun couldn’t help but feel that rush of arousal every time Kihyun snarled down at him.

Leaning back into the couch, Changkyun bit his lip, feeling his cheeks flush with heat as he thinks about all of the other times Kihyun had gotten on to him… just today. Changkyun had a little secret- he purposefully tried to get under Kihyun’s skin, doing things to watch that angry red cover his cheeks and his pretty lips curl into a scowl. It was addictive, and honestly- even though he did often disagree with the things Kihyun said, he definitely exacerbated his disagreement. Biting his lip, Changkyun scrolled through the social media on his phone, trying to ignore the weird feelings that always bubbled up when Kihyun nagged him.

Bustling in through the door, Kihyun shut and locked the door behind him, slipping off his shoes before heading to the sink to wash his hands. He sometimes wondered why he dealt with Changkyun’s bullshit. He was messy, lazy, and sassy… and yet Kihyun still did everything for him, like he was his fucking maid or something. There was something satisfying about rubbing it in Changkyun’s face that he was always right, but there was one thing: Changkyun always gave him that look, that light in his eyes that made Kihyun’s heart pound. He didn’t really know what it meant yet, but he did know that he hated it.

“You better get the rest of this place cleaned up before tonight, okay?” Kihyun nagged in a small voice, his tone more gentle than next time. He liked to give Changkyun the benefit of the doubt before he inevitably accused him of never cleaning up after himself. Changkyun hummed noncommittally, rolling onto his side and trying to resist the urge to stare at Kihyun’s pretty body as he washed his hands.

“…I mean that, Changkyun-ah. All of this mess is your doing, and I don’t want our friends to think that I somehow was the cause of it,” Kihyun said, drying off his hands with the modest kitchen towel on the rack by the sink.

“I’ll do it before the party,” Changkyun replied, his voice low. Him and Kihyun shared a lot of mutual friends, which is why when they figured out they were assigned roommates at the start of the semester, neither was too upset about it. If they were so close with mutual friends, then surely they’d be able to get along too, right? Well, it didn’t quite turn out like that. Despite that, they still managed to get past their differences for long enough to plan out a party with their shared friends at the dorm that night.

For Kihyun, he was fine with doing it because it honestly made the most sense- their other friends all roomed with other people, and Kihyun didn’t want to be a nuisance for them. Changkyun, however, was just in it for the copious amounts of booze and stupid party shenanigans that were sure to arise. Kihyun had never seen him get drunk… and Changkyun wasn’t just any kind of drunk, he was a sexy drunk. He wanted to tempt Kihyun, to get him really mad and watch that sexy haze radiate from Changkyun’s eyes… to sum it up, Changkyun wanted to drunkenly flirt with his roommate that hated him tonight.

Leaning back into the couch, Changkyun tried to clear his mind of all of the romantic shit, instead choosing to chill for the next few hours while he got his thoughts together. Kihyun went back to his room, cleaning up a little before starting on some homework. Tonight, a lot would change between them, but before then, they would simply continue on with the same charade.

“Sooooo…. Never have I ever…” Jooheon slurred out, holding a red solo cup filled with some kind of mysterious, highly toxic liquid, his eyes glazed as he glanced around the room. The party was going full swing by this point, and now, after a few rounds of shots, everyone was circled around on a blanket on the floor playing Never Have I Ever- the classic teen girl party game. It had been relatively stupid and drunken for the most part, so Jooheon’s next words didn’t come as much of a surprise for the people around him.

“…done ass play,” he concluded, his cheeks turning a brighter shade of pink. Minhyuk, who was sitting next to him, spat out a bit of his drink, his eyes going wide. A few others tucked away a finger, signaling that they’d done it before, and Changkyun chuckled darkly as he surveyed the room. Truthfully, he wasn’t as drunk as the people around him, and it definitely didn’t go over his head when he noticed that Kihyun failed to put down a finger, despite the knowledge Changkyun possessed.

“Uh… Kihyun.” Changkyun stated, immediately attracting the attention of everyone around them. Kihyun raised a brow, blinking a few times as he stared blankly at his roommate. “I know for a fact that you pound your little ass every night- those moans can’t be explained otherwise,” Changkyun bluntly declares to the room full of their mutual friends, his eyes shining with a playful, yet sinfully dark, light that made an indignant flush rise to Kihyun’s cheeks.

“What the FUCK!?” Kihyun spat out, his face on fire. The room erupted into laughter, Minhyuk giddily declaring that Kihyun was a messy bottom, and Kihyun shook his head. “N-NO,” he tries to deny, but panic was setting in. How did Changkyun know that? Kihyun was so sure he was quiet when he fucked himself--- oh god, Changkyun knew he fucked himself. “CHANGKYUN-AH. COME HERE.” Kihyun suddenly got up, stomping over to his room and gesturing for Changkyun to come with him. The crowd seemed utterly amused by the turn of events, much to Kihyun’s chagrin, and he gestured even harder for Changkyun to get up and follow him to his room.

“Changkyun is about to get his ass beat,” Minhyuk stated, almost as if it were a fact, a huge grin on his face. The others all agreed, and soon the game started up again, the room of rancorous drunks completely forgetting about the two feuding roommates now both tucked away in Kihyun’s room.

Slamming the door behind them, Kihyun crossed his arms, giving Changkyun a stern look. He wasn’t about to just let this slide, not when he was humiliated like that in front of a whole room of his friends.

“Where the fuck do you get off declaring something like that to our friends?” Kihyun asked, raising an eyebrow. He looked downright livid, his pure, unadulterated rage overpowering his typically unfrightening stature and making him look like he was, in fact, about to beat Changkyun’s ass in. The shear disappointment on his face sent a shiver up Changkyun’s spine, and he bit his lip, cock getting hard just from that one look.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Changkyun denied, even though he very well did know what Kihyun was talking about. He sauntered about Kihyun’s tidy room, surveying the neatness in an effort to keep his erection from popping out of his pants. Kihyun felt rage boil up to the surface and he groaned, mixing feelings of humiliation and anger swirling inside him, pushing him on the edge of collapse.

He diverted his gaze away from Changkyun, noticing for the first time the dirty clothes just strewn about his room, marring the typical neatness with its unapologetic mess. Scrunching his eyebrows together, Kihyun’s anger temporarily subsides and he frowns, bustling about the room and picking up the offensive mess. Changkyun, watching the almost cute actions of his pissy roommate, decides to give him a little extra work, quickly taking off his shirt and tossing it onto the floor right in front of Kihyun’s feet.

“Here’s some more laundry for you to clean, heh,” Changkyun cheekily states, wobbling a little in residual drunkenness before flopping onto Kihyun’s bed, sans shirt. Kihyun feels his rage boil up full force again, and he straightens up, eyes getting wide as he sees Changkyun’s drunk ass sprawled all over his clean sheets-

“IM CHANGKYUN,” Kihyun yelled out, storming over to Changkyun on his bed and jumping on top of him, straddling his lap. He punched the mattress beside the boy’s head, his eyes flickering with two flames. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?” Kihyun asked, although it honestly just sounded like a loudly declared threat, his voice booming. Changkyun’s heart was racing now, and he licked the corner of his mouth, blinking rapidly as he tried to process the change in position.

“Are you really getting this mad because of a dirty shirt?” Changkyun asked, chuckling a bit. Kihyun was pretty sexy when he was mad, but this was a little much. Clearly Changkyun was just fucking with him. Kihyun’s eyes widened in anger, and he leaned a little closer to Changkyun, trying to get in the other boy’s face as much as he could.

“If it was just the shirt, then NO I wouldn’t be this fucking mad,” Kihyun replied, his usually melodic voice coarse with blatant rage. “Maybe if you didn’t go off about my fucking masturbation habits to the whole populous of our school, then maybe I would’ve been a little more forgiving of your bitCH ASS,” Kihyun replied, clearly exaggerating in his rage. Changkyun’s cheeks flushed, and he looked away, not exactly in the best position to be reminded of Kihyun masturbating—oh god, Kihyun’s ass was pressing against his dick now, and he was getting harder-

“Wh- What the fuck is this?” Kihyun asked, and Changkyun felt his heart drop. “Do you have an erection right now?” he continued, and Changkyun squeezed his eyes shut, trying to deny the reality of the situation. He was just a little drunker than he thought, there was no way this was actually happening right now. Kihyun, on the other hand, wasn’t just going to permit his silence in this situation. “CHANGKYUN-AH. TELL ME,” he insisted, and Changkyun shook his head.

“No,” he replied, eyes finally opening to give Kihyun an indignant look. Kihyun clenched his jaw, his eyes only seeing red. First, Changkyun outs him to all of his friends, completely ruining his ‘good boy’ persona, then, after knowing good and well what mess he made, Changkyun decides to give him more shit to clean up? On top of that, when Kihyun attempts to open his eyes to the bullshit mess he’s made, Changkyun pops a fucking boner? Kihyun was not about to let this slide, not tonight. Changkyun deserved some karma for all the crap he put Kihyun through.

Clenching his jaw, Kihyun rolls his hips against Changkyun’s crotch, his eyes wide as he processes that not only is Changkyun ridiculously hard, but that he’s also huge. Jesus, this is so much bigger than the toy Kihyun always uses… eyes getting a little hazy, Kihyun rocks his hips again, shivering a little at how big Changkyun felt against him- oh wait, he couldn’t ignore that this was Changkyun he was grinding against.

“You need to explain to me how somebody could get hard in this situation,” Kihyun demanded, his voice stone cold and serious. Changkyun was at a bit of an impasse here, not sure if he should continue denying his almost masochistic attraction for Kihyun or just finally say it, but Kihyun rolled his hips against his, and that decision was made. Kihyun, whether he realized it himself yet or not, was getting turned on by the whole situation too- and Changkyun wasn’t planning on letting it go.  

“You’re so sexy when you get mad at me, I can’t help myself,” Changkyun replied. “Sometimes I do things on purpose just to get you all riled up,” he admitted, smirking a bit at the indignant look that passed over Kihyun’s handsome features- literally the most attractive face Kihyun could ever make.

“…So you mean to tell me that you’ve been purposefully getting me mad for your own pleasure?” Kihyun spits out, his anger boiling up. He slams his hips down onto Changkyun’s cock, his eyes pointed and lips pursed. “You’re getting all turned on because of how gross you fucking are?” Kihyun added, practically burning with rage. Changkyun’s lips curl up into a slow smirk, his heart pounding from the influx of erotic, intense sensations hitting him all at once.

“You could say that,” Changkyun noncommittally replies, blinking a few times as he feels Kihyun continue to rut against him. “But you’re not so different from me, Kihyun,” Changkyun states, startling Kihyun a bit. How could Changkyun and he be so similar? Changkyun answers Kihyun’s silent question by pushing a hand up the boy’s thigh, giving him a few seconds to push him away but oddly enough… Kihyun didn’t move.

“Before everyone showed up for the party, you were fucking yourself. I heard your moans carry throughout the whole dorm until seconds before the first guest arrived. You then scrambled around, running to the door to answer it,” Changkyun simply stated, making a flush rise to Kihyun’s cheeks.

“So? Your point?” Kihyun spat out, interrupting Changkyun’s story. Changkyun, without skipping a beat, continues.

“You think me getting turned on from your anger is perverse, don’t you?” Changkyun rhetorically asked, getting a slight nod from Kihyun despite the fact that both of them knew the answer. “Well, you’ve been talking to all of your friends with your little ass still soaking wet from fucking yourself. You can’t even keep your hands out of your pants for 10 minutes before your party starts, and yet I’m the gross one?” Changkyun asks, his eyes shining with an erotic, intense gaze that made Kihyun’s cock throb.

“That’s not true-!” Kihyun denied, even though he knew good and well that his ass had been dripping wet all night. Changkyun had hit the nail on the head, and Kihyun didn’t know how to reply, his heart racing. He’d been so horny lately, so desperate for action that his sessions with his cute purple dildo were becoming more frequent and much longer. He wanted to get fucked so bad it drove him crazy, and it was probably partially why he was so quick to anger lately. It didn’t help that Changkyun was stupidly attractive, either, and now paired with the current situation he was in, Kihyun was starting to think about things he’d never thought about before: namely, getting fucked by his own roommate.

“I could feel it and see for myself?” Changkyun asks, hoping that he didn’t cross a line here. It was one thing for Kihyun to be mad at him about his dirty clothes or trash, but it was another entirely for him to actually hate him forever. Kihyun purses his lips, blinking a few times as he realizes the lingering effects of alcohol were still in his system. He could just say he was drunk and a lil desperate, and honestly? He was. Besides, he didn’t give a shit about what Changkyun thought of him, so if he wanted to bang him, then why the fuck not. It’s not like Changkyun was going to think he was a whore or something, and if he did, then who cares.

“Do it,” Kihyun replied, trying to keep his tone harsh and cold, as if this was just a game and he wasn’t egging Changkyun on to finger his asshole. Changkyun bites his lip on a groan, his mind going crazy from the depravity of the situation. Kihyun was literally asking him to feel him up while straddling his lap, and not only that, but the party was still going on full swing in the room over. Changkyun bit his lip, praying that he could get Kihyun to moan like he always moaned on his little toys so that everyone knew exactly what they were doing~

Skirting his hand up Kihyun’s thigh, Changkyun looked into Kihyun’s face, watching his expression to make sure he didn’t cross a line or anything. When Kihyun’s stoic mug didn’t falter, Changkyun dipped his hand up the hem of Kihyun’s shorts, a little startled to see that he wasn’t even wearing underwear- but that didn’t stop him. Making it to his target, Changkyun brushed a finger against Kihyun’s entrance, his eyes widening as he feels how wet and erotically loose it was- clearly Kihyun’s dildo was a little bigger than Changkyun anticipated.

“It’s still wet~ you’re so dirty, Kihyun,” Changkyun drawled out, his voice seductive and heavy, like he knew all of Kihyun’s nasty little secrets, and honestly, at this point? He pretty much did. Kihyun bites his lip on a moan, his stubbornness getting in the way of actually enjoying Changkyun’s slender fingers pressing against his entrance.

“At least I don’t get off from my roommate calling me a slob,” Kihyun half-assedly replies, his voice shaking as Changkyun easily slips a finger inside him. “Oh fuck,” he curses out, his voice low and breathy as he finally is able to feel somebody else’s fingers inside him. He can’t even process the notion of telling Changkyun to stop at this point- the feeling is addictive and Kihyun needs it right now.

“But you do get off from your roommate’s fingers inside your slutty little ass,” Changkyun retorted, reveling in the pissed look Kihyun shot his way in reply as he easily slipped in another finger. Eyes widening, Kihyun’s back arches, and he clenches his jaw, still annoyed with Changkyun but his fingers felt so stupidly good he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Just put in another finger, asshole,” Kihyun spits out, scrunching his eyebrows together and moaning low and hard as Changkyun does exactly what he says. God, and Changkyun was still so hard underneath him, probably getting off on the names Kihyun was calling him- knowledge that Kihyun didn’t know what to do with. On one hand, it kinda pissed him off that Changkyun wasn’t getting as mad as Kihyun wanted, but on the other… Kihyun wanted Changkyun’s cock inside him, and if the harsh words turned him on, then by god, Kihyun was going to vocalize his true thoughts.

“C’mon, harder, I’m not made of glass,” Kihyun demands, thrusting his hips down onto Changkyun’s fingers, his eyes half-lidded and lips firmly set in a scowl. Honestly, Changkyun already had three fingers inside him, and he probably shouldn’t be encouraging the boy to be any rougher, but his need and frustration outweighed rational thinking. Changkyun quirked a brow, a slightly condescending smirk crossing over his features. They both knew how desperate that sounded, and if Kihyun wanted it rough, then by god, Changkyun was going to give it to him rough. Thrusting his fingers hard into Kihyun’s wet entrance, Changkyun began pounding into the boy, reveling in the strained whimper that slipped from the older boy’s lips.

“I-Is that the best you can do?” Kihyun asked, but his voice was trembling, words slipping from his mouth with only half the anger he intended to portray. Changkyun felt a tinge of frustration bubble up, and he used one hand to grip Kihyun’s hip, the other still pounding away inside him. He knew he was fingering Kihyun hard enough to make the other boy sore for a few days, so why was he still giving him grief?

“Maybe if I was using something a little bigger, I’d be able to pound you like you so desperately need,” Changkyun retorted, his jaw clenched as he tried fruitlessly to make Kihyun’s guard drop. Kihyun’s cock hardened inside his shorts, and he bit his lip on a needy moan, eyes going hazy just from the thought of getting a dick right now. Unable to resist the temptation, Kihyun got off Changkyun’s lap, reveling in the wet pop that sounded in the air and the painfully empty feeling when Changkyun’s fingers slipped out. He quickly took off his shorts, now nude from the waist down.

“Then unzip your pants and do it,” Kihyun demanded, shooting Changkyun a hard glare. The situation was a little embarrassing, trying to fuck someone that Kihyun pretty much hated, but… he wanted it- to infuriate Changkyun further, watch that frustrated little face underneath him while he satisfied only himself… it was hot. Changkyun hastily unzipped his pants, pulling out his ridiculously hard cock with a little bit of effort. Jumping back onto the bed, Kihyun straddled Changkyun’s hips, grabbing the boy’s cock and lining it up with his ass.

Staring into Changkyun’s face, Kihyun slowly began lowering his hips, giving the boy enough time to back out if he needed to. Kihyun wasn’t about to go this far with someone unwilling, even if it was the roommate he hated. When Changkyun nods a little, Kihyun lowers himself onto Changkyun’s cock, pushing in just the tip. His eyes shining as he watches Changkyun groan in pleasure, Kihyun suddenly gets a rather devious idea.

Pulling back, Kihyun then begins fucking Changkyun’s cock- but only the tip. His legs are holding down Changkyun’s so that the boy can’t thrust up (easily) so he’s practically stuck here while Kihyun tortures him. Smiling and laughing a bit as he watches Changkyun start to get frustrated, Kihyun continues the teasing motion, his hips working hard.

“Isn’t this nice~” Kihyun teases, laughing a bit as Changkyun glares at him. Grabbing Kihyun’s hips, Changkyun desperately tries to force the boy deeper onto his cock- but it was to no avail.

“No, I’m barely inside,” Changkyun said, obviously frustrated. Chuckling, Kihyun raised a brow, continuing to minutely move his hips on Changkyun’s cock, his eyes mischievously looking down into Changkyun’s.

“It’ll have to do~” Kihyun said, obviously fully intending to continue doing this for as long as he pleased. A swell of annoyance and desperation rushed over Changkyun, and he roughly grabbed Kihyun’s hips, startling the boy just enough to shove him fully onto his cock- all the way to the hilt. Kihyun gasped, his lips parted lewdly and eyes rolling back as Changkyun grinds his cock against Kihyun’s deepest part. His dildo can’t even reach that far, but Changkyun can just rub against it like it was easy? Mind going crazy, Kihyun can’t even process the fact that Changkyun started thrusting into him until he almost slipped off the boy’s lap from the intensity.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Kihyun asked, his tone stern and serious, as if Changkyun had seriously done something wrong. Changkyun froze, his eyes staring up into Kihyun’s worriedly. “Did I say you could do that?” he asked, and then immediately answered himself. “No, I didn’t.” Changkyun swallowed dryly, his heart pounding in anticipation. Kihyun was really pissed now, and Changkyun couldn’t deny how fucking hot he looked glaring down at him.

“You’re gonna have to do it my way,” Kihyun coldly stated, using both hands to push Changkyun’s hands down above his head, staring down into the boy’s eyes without the slightest shred of mercy. Rolling his hips, Kihyun began fucking himself on Changkyun’s cock, holding eye-contact the entire time as he shoved Changkyun’s cock in and out, creating a delicious friction. Changkyun felt his heart pounding, and he desperately wanted to shove his cock in deeper, just to fuck with Kihyun… so he did.

“What did I just say?” Kihyun said, freezing his motions, eyes flickering with an undeniable anger that made Changkyun’s cock throb. “If you move your hips one more time, I’m going to leave you like this,” Kihyun threatened, although, truthfully, there was no way he could leave like this- not when he was this hard and aching. Changkyun bit his lip, eyebrows scrunching together as Kihyun slowly started riding him again. He wasn’t going to thrust, at least not yet- he had a plan- one that didn’t involve Kihyun getting up without at least one of them cumming.

Pleased that Changkyun was obeying him, Kihyun started to truly fuck him, his hips moving fast and hard on Changkyun’s cock, sucking him in and grinding like he was just some toy for Kihyun to cum on. Even though it was a little difficult fucking him so hard while holding his wrists down, Kihyun wasn’t about to release him now, not when Changkyun could use those hands to disobey him… so he kept them there. Luckily for them both, Kihyun was already getting close to cumming, so the mild discomfort was about to come to an end rather quickly.

Gasping as he hits a particularly good spot, Kihyun’s grip on Changkyun’s wrists loosens, and he focuses instead on grinding against that one spot over and over, riding Changkyun’s cock desperately. Moans were pouring from his lips now, but he didn’t even care, too obsessed with the pleasurable sensation to worry about any consequences. Sensing that Kihyun was about to cum, Changkyun breaks free from Kihyun’s hands, grabbing the boy’s hips and thrusting into him hard and deep. When Kihyun shoots him a look that’s a combination of anger and arousal, Changkyun feels his control slipping away faster than he can process, too focused on shoving his cock deep inside Kihyun’s addictively tight, wet heat.

At this point, Kihyun knew there wasn’t anything he could do to stop the inevitable from happening. As much as he wanted to shove Changkyun down and teasingly insert only the tip, he was too far gone to hold back his own orgasm, let alone anyone else’s. A few bitter protests slip from his lips in one final attempt to assert his dominance, and then, just a few seconds later, Kihyun cums hard all over Changkyun’s bare torso. Beneath him, Changkyun quickly pulls out, finishing himself off against the outside of Kihyun’s entrance.

Catching his breath for a few moments, the realization of what they just did hit Kihyun hard, and his eyes flew open, pulling himself away from Changkyun’s body in a half-drunk, half-orgasm-dazed flurry. This was the guy that made him clean his nasty Go-Gurt trash and never took his shoes off when he entered the dorm- why the hell did he just fuck him???

“Get out,” Kihyun demanded, getting off the bed and rapidly trying to locate his shorts. He could feel Changkyun’s cum on his ass and rage exploded out of him. “GET THE FUCK OUT!” Kihyun yelled, throwing Changkyun’s discarded shirt onto his head. Getting the idea, Changkyun scrambles up, rapidly zipping up his pants before scurrying out of the room- not even putting on his shirt before passing through the still crowded common area.

Shutting the door behind him, Kihyun groaned in frustration, hitting his forehead with his palm. What the fuck just got into him? He’d never usually do something like that… maybe he was more drunk than he thought… actually, he needed to get just a little bit more drunk to forget that even happened. Throwing on his shorts, Kihyun walks into the common room, relieved to see that Changkyun was nowhere to be found. The party was still going strong, and he was welcomed to the circle with an offered shot glass full of vodka. This was just what he needed.

The few weeks that followed were a little strained for Changkyun and Kihyun. They both immediately pretended like nothing happened, and that party was never brought up again, not even their mutual friends brought it up in their presence. Things were relatively back to normal after three weeks, and Kihyun pretty much had blocked it from his memory… that is, until a text from Minhyuk brought way too many feelings to the surface.

>>Minhyuk

Duuude you and Kyunnie need to throw a party again sometime, last time was so fucking hilarious.

>Kihyun

Yeah. Maybe someday.

>>Minhyuk 

OMG I almost forgot that y’all fucked at the last party LMAO,,, must’ve been pretty fuckin good from what we could hear ;)

Kihyun rolls his eyes at that last text, flopping onto his sheets and angrily typing out his next reply, his mind filled with memories of his most recent sexual encounter.

>Kihyun

It was a mistake.

>>Minhyuk

Oh c’mon~ I could hear those sweet little moans~ and Changkyunnie has been acting so weird ever since… maybe he has a crush on you or something! I’ve always felt like there was potential for you two

Inhaling sharply, Kihyun locked his phone, throwing it to the foot of his bed with flushed cheeks. Changkyun? With a crush on him? But Kihyun treated him like trash half the time, how the hell could he actually be attracted to him despite that? He suddenly remembered the little confession Changkyun told him before they fucked- that he actually got off on Kihyun’s anger. Maybe… maybe Changkyun really did have an attraction towards him.

“AGHHH!” Kihyun half-screamed in frustration, bringing his hands to his face and rolling around, not sure what to do with himself. Changkyun was really hot, and his cock was incredible- he knew that from experience, but to have a… a…

“I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON MY ROOMMATE!” Kihyun yelled out, trying to convince himself that he wasn’t actually feeling the things he was most certainly feeling. Changkyun was different than anyone else Kihyun had ever been with, but he was exciting, unpredictable, sexy… maybe Kihyun just needed someone a little different.

But there was one major problem: what if Changkyun didn’t like him back? Then he’d just be a fucking idiot getting feelings for someone that was just fucking with him for fun. Annoyed, Kihyun grabbed his phone, typing out a hasty reply.

>Kihyun

There’s no way that little shit has a crush on me. Let’s do another party at your place- and soon. I need to get drunk.

[flamewyrmz]

a late night rant from twitter im putting in one place, because its a trainwreck of several threads there. mostly copy/paste and still not proofread, but a collection of thoughts on gender, sexuality, personal identity, and love and support within the lgbtq community. i do really lay myself bare here so id like to ask that if you disagree or have criticism you do so respectfully and with that in mind, thank you <3 and if this means something to you itd mean the world to me if you shared it

dunno if ive said this here before but like. if you think you might be bi/pan but youre on the fence cos maybe youve never had a crush on a nonfictional guy or get more crushes on guys than on girls and you find yourself tied up in knots like "well im gay but im also attracted to nonbinary people unless theyre mostly woman-aligned but i dont wanna say im bi/pan because then people will think i like girls and like i like them theoretically but--" let go. just say fuck it! im bi/pan! 

try it out and if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and thats fine and in the end no matter what youll have learned a little about yourself. this is actually my advice on any gender/sexuality dilemmas you might be having. go wild. try it out. see how it feels. dont feel like you have to confine yourself to something just because youve stuck with it for some amount of time. 

if youre questioning dive right into the deep end! no matter how it goes youll be a better swimmer in the end. its all not quite rigid and a little fluid anyways (for some more than others obv) so if youre unsure, man... go for it. its ok to backpedal

--

this is important advice to me because ive struggled with it multiple times in the past and this has only recently clicked and i really wish it had sooner. first it was with being... not straight in general. like i was actively dating someone of the same gender and i never considered that that meant, uh, im not straight. always "do you like boys or girl?" "uhhhhhhhhh. uh. UH" 

then with being in the range of aro/ace spect. then with being nonbinary! then with being nb but primarily male. and then goddammit im just a boy. accepting that God I Love Men And Only Men (and with it that i *wasnt* aro or ace in ANY capacity) and then, very recently (like up until a couple months ago. like im p sure this year. not 2017), going back on that and admitting i was bi. it is so so freeing to just say "fuck it" and test those waters!

hell, you find something you resonate with but looks a little silly? go for it! use those bun/buns/bunself pronouns. go with stargender! ace-flux demibiromantic? hell yeah rock that shit! it can always change and you can always decide its not right and go back! h4y dudes

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all of that especially goes for teens who dont know what the fuck theyre doing. im only 20 yea and barely 20 at that but man i wish id heard this sooner

and please dont take that as me saying "well if youre a lesbian sexuality is fluid and maybe youre actually bi"! hell no. if youre a lesbian and you KNOW youre and lesbian and couldnt ever be anything else then rock on you funky little lesbian! but if you id as a lesbian but are teetering on something like "well im attracted to some fictional and theoretical men but not any real ones and maybe its just compulsory heterosexuality but im not sure and--" dont be afraid to try a different label. its all what feels right to you and theres absolutely no harm

--

people bash on like. """mogai genders""" and nounself pronouns and the split attraction model and all that and like. yeah! those things can hurt people! personally i struggled with the split attraction bit combined with how broadly people define the ace spectrum. it can be used to hurt. and it is used to hurt. sometimes its deliberate, sometimes its not. but the hurt is there. but its not inherently good or bad. 

and yeah, some of it sounds silly. hell, it sounds silly to me sometimes! but to some people hearing that label makes everything click into place, even if just for a little bit, and i take that very seriously. it is one of the best feelings in the world and i want as many lgbtq people (of any age) to experience it. 

for some people it feels right to zoom waaaaaaay in and section it into lots of little bits and for others its "fuck it! i dont know shit! im just queer!" and those are both equally valid (that words been thru 12 garbage disposals but i cant think of a better one) maybe you go back n forth and thats fine too! as long as youre open to it changing or being wrong it cant hurt and, like i said, its one of the best possible feelings to have it click like that

--

as an aside: being bi can *totally* mean "im attracted to men and nonbinary people are long are they arent primarily woman-aligned" or it can mean "im attracted to everyone fuck it" personally? i use bi over pan because i feel like it better encapsulates that i *do* have preferences (i say this all the time but God I Love Men) but ultimately gender doesnt really matter to me cos everyones cute and hot and generally attractive and im not leaving anyone out because im just a little more inclined to kissing boys. but thats me!

--

as Another aside: i do still to some degree identify with uhh this is gonna sound contradictory but agender boy? or more like boy agender? boygender with left none? i just dont personally feel like its worth taking the time to explain over n over. but it used to be, for me, n i dont regret that a single bit! i wouldnt regret that even if i *didnt* still feel that way in any capacity. honestly? 

i dont regret any of the ways ive identified in the past even though feeling stuck and cornered into some got a little harmful to me (and if youve gone through somethin similar and DO regret it and wish youd never heard whatever term you used thats good too. im very strongly advocating for "use whatever labels you want and if it dont fit it dont fit" here but if they did hurt you and youre still hurting about it i understand 100% just dont use it to pull others down. if it concerns you say your piece and let them decide)

--

this is personally a little hard to admit so bear with me here 

honestly? ANY sort of strong identity didnt start developing in me until i was.... 14 or so? and very slowly at that. like gender evened out around 18 and sexuality just a few months ago LMAO. but up until i was a teenager i didnt really feel much of anything re: gender or attraction (and the attraction thing is pretty normal for kids and even teens tbqh!) 

and i just.... didnt really think about it! i had This Name and apparently was a girl and i didnt really get what it was like to BE a girl but thats what people said and i didnt know there were other options so i went with it! the name didnt bother me either (except for when people made jokes about a Certain Historical Figure with the same one. just thinking about that i get tired) 

and when it came time to actually grapple with the whole concept of being *into* people i just kinda... slunk away! no joke until like 10th grade if someone started a rumor that i was dating x or y had a crush on me i would start to avoid them entirely. lost a friend in 4th grade that way but then in hs hed turned into a TOTAL DICK so no loss there. i think part of that was also people making the assumption that i was straight though? big shrug! 

i didnt even realize attraction was a thing i had until i got asked out and just kind of "oh wow??? that sounds so nice??? i feel the same??? yes??" and thats WHY i went thru varying aro/ace labels. cos it unfolded slowly (which again is totally normal if youre a teenager, so dont worry about it if youre going thru that. roll with the punches. and if youre a teen and youve got it figured out? thats totally normal too!) 

and the gender thing was similar once i learned that it was an actual possibility (especially being nb, and ESPECIALLY especially being agender) i slowly just... poked at it until i figured something out (fun fact: what set me off to finally go "fuck it im not a girl at all" was being stuck in an awful hair salon chair while my mom got a haircut that took FOREVERRRRRRRRR and i was having godawful period cramps. like i knew not being a girl wouldnt DO anything about them but i made that decision then n there n didnt look back!) 

and then i kept pokin at it and watching it like the seed id planted finally started to sprout and i realized i didnt actually know what kind of seed it WAS. i guess ive always been very nebulous in those aspects and its just now forming into something solid. like i said, its a little hard to admit and i... dont think ive actually talked about this in this depth before to, like, anyone? 

because the "oh ive always known" narrative is the only one you ever see in popular media and sometimes even from the community itself! and theres nothing wrong with having always known! but theres also nothing wrong with being like me! but i still feel a little anxious talking about it like it somehow means im a sham. 

hell, id even go so far as to say i WAS a girl as a kid! i WAS varying shades of agender and nonbinary and ???? as a teen, and i AM, like, 95% a guy right now! maybe in a few years ill be something else. none of those things contradict each other. things like that can change! its not set in stone (but like i said: for some people it is! or, like, set in slime that you left out for 5 years so now its pretty much a rock but if you really try it still squishes into something else?? none of these things invalidate the others! were all unique). 

i wouldnt say that at any point ive been cis or straight, cos even when i just went with being a girl and stuff it was always a little ??? but, yknow. even if i HAD been those things at some point it wouldnt matter to me? things just are the way they are and were the way they were

--

im making myself really vulnerable here and my thought process is a mess and i ramble and repeat myself and my memory and attention span is like 2 seconds and i dont proofread but. its important i think. i dont have a lot of followers and fewer still thatre active but... that really doesnt matter. 

maybe someone will retweet at least one of these messy, messy threads. maybe link it to a friend. maybe screenshot it and post it on tumblr [note: LMAO YEAH AND ITS YOU DUMBASS], or to keep for themself. if any of my words help anyone out even a little then it matters and honestly? then its the most important thing in the whole danged world. if even one person sees any of the things ive said tonight and it means *anything* to them, even if just "oh, im not alone in this" then ive succeeded here. 

i dont want any of us to ever feel trapped or alone because shit! lifes too fuckin short for that! its goddamn hard being anything but cisgender and straight! sometimes it sucks! like really sucks! there have been so many times ive broken down completely over being trans and felt like, for myself, its the most awful thing in the world. its why prides so important. its why community is so important. 

because even when the pressure of the world brings you down so low you think youll never escape theres something or someone there to take your hand and pull you back up, put you on your feet, and say "i know its hard. and itll get hard again. but i believe in you, and youre strong enough for this, and im here with you through every step". that goes for anyone but especially goes for us. and im not just talking about lgbtq youth here. all of us. which is *why* im laying myself completely bare here. 

most of this stuff? ive either never talked about or only vaguely mentioned. but im putting it out there. because there was a point where i needed it but didnt have it, and even if its just one person, i want to give someone this advice so at least they dont have to deal with the same stuff i did. and if youre reading this? i love you. im here for you. im my dms are always open and if for some reason they arent its almost definitely an accident and if you say something ill reopen them. 

and if youre someone who hates me? maybe even mutually? if it came down to it id let you come to me at your lowest moment, no questions asked, no judgement held, and at the end of it still be the same kind of enemies we were before and never speak again. there are some exceptions of course but honestly ill forgive a lot for someone who needs that kind of support. and if youre one of the people this applies to, i know youll probably never take me up on it. i dont expect you to. i dont expect you to even for a second be comfortable with that idea. thats fine. but if for some reason you ever need it, its there. 

i can count on one hand the ex friends that i wouldnt give that to and thats ONLY because theyve legitimately hurt me and left lasting damage (and for some of them? its mutual. and im sorry for that, regardless of how i feel about your treatment of me im truly sorry for my actions. that probably sounds fake and anyway i digress) 

and if youre a complete stranger? someone who follows me but has never interacted with anything ive posted? a mutual i havent spoken to yet? im here. and im bumbling, and awkward, and not the best at comfort but you can always come to me if you need someone. im only one man and im under a lot of stress but i swear ill do the best i can, even if its only reading and replying 3 days later and even then just listening and offer whatever gentle comfort or reassurance youll accept. 

because thats important to me. thats the impact i want to leave on this world. i dont ever want anyone to feel as small, as scared, as worthless, as alone as i have. im no fighter. im not going to lead any revolutions and hell im too anxious to even go to protests but im here for support. im here to help and heal. and thats important too

--

and if you listened to that? thank you. if you just skimmed? thank you for that too. if you shared it with someone? thank you (so much). and if you dont? thank you anyways, just for the time

just know this: i love you. i dont care who you are, if youre reading this i love you and im behind you 100%. im here if you need it. stay strong, do something that makes you smile if only for a moment. take that leap of faith. dont restrict yourself for even a second

i meant to go to bed at least two hours ago so goodnight <3 be safe, drink some water, if you have any kind of pet give it some love. take care of yourself. youre the most important person in your own world and never forget that, even if you dont think you are. even if theres something or someone you treasure above everything else. dont diminish your own worth! you are alive, and you are here, and theres nothing more important than that, really. the things you love matter more than anything else. hold them close

[stimmypaw]

stimmypaw reads Shattered Sky, a late tumblr post

I just, forgot to post this for some reason. It’s me writing my thoughts on the third book of A Vision Of Shadows, I also did that with the first and second ones! Very full of spoilers, enjoy!

Omg.....meet Darktail's Kinnies... someone should name their wc kin server that its a great name, most of them seem to have wc names tho I thought he was a whole gang?? Did more of them get wc names or have already than we knew???

Oh no I barely got to see echosong :c I hope the others are okay, frecklewish is a wonderful name

Chapter one they already have all of the clans going 2 fight???? This absolutely won't go well and that terrifies me

Onestar realized Darktail has a beautiful voice :/ and he feels bad battling him /j

Yup just as I expected, awful loss. Plus Twigpaw was sure her sister was gonna kill her which killed Me

Alderheart parent mode

YASSSS ITS TIME FOR SKYCLAAANNNNNN

obviously the clans are pissed why the hell did they have this as a secret bro!!! why?? bramblestar was just ashamed now firestar???? bro WHY i seriously need to read firestar’s quest I just don’t get it

scenes of elders being cared for by apprentices is always so comforting, seeing it being interrupted and taken from violetpaw feels awful

WHO THE FUCK IS THISTLE he isn’t in the allegiances??????????????????? HELLO ah okay the rogues are showing up slowly ok

Violetpaw did a u-turn to her character here it seems?? She didn't find the elders were lecturing her at first, was Darktail's lil speech about how she was brave enough to convince her they are wrong??? A few compliments couldn't possibly be enough for that. Plus again she is seeing Darktail brutally murder someone and how despite seemingly treating each other nicely these cats are ready to betray each other anytime. Surely this would be enough for her to feel like the elders are still right and she can't trust these cats???

Hope she doesn't start seeing this violence as normal

I'm so sorry for blossomfall I can't believe she got with thornclaw of all cats

LIONBLAZE JAYFEATHER CINDERHEART AND TAWNYPELT, ALL JUST CASUALLY LISTENING TO GOSSIP. ABSOLUTELY SCANDALOUS I LOVE THEM

I love like how the book will take breaks every now and then to show for a millisecond ivypool being mad at tigerheart or vice versa and dovewing looking at tigerheart or vice versa and have the POV go "wonder what thats all about" and just proceed with the plot. Wonderful

Twigpaw :c

"A "mrrow" of welcome" has got to be my favorite line on this book

The cats complain there's already enough plots going on.

Whitewing is a very nice background cat and I appreciate her. But God Omen of the Stars only proved Starclan is just a bunch of old dead cats and that can be both good and terrible. Her argument is needed tho.

The others have a point tho, how can they leave the clan with less cats right now? I guess they would come back with more but what if they're not strong enough to defend themselves? A lot of trouble could happen with Skyclan coming as is to the territories and its understandable for the cats to be concerned

Violetpaw and Needletail cope with trauma as best they can and thats not a lot

I hope Violetpaw at least realizes how fucked up it is that they are scared of their leader who is supposedly their kin and the one who they should be the most loyal to

Oh Boy kittypets!

I love kittypets so much they're always fun. Darktail is so creepy tho I read some quotes he said to my girlfriend and she said he sounded like GLaDOS and yeah he's creepy I can feel it without Violetpaw agreeing with me that she's scared of what will happen next. Where did Darktail get that blood thing????

I like Zelda. She seems to be Violetpaw's age I hope she is so they can kiss. ALSO THIS IS KINDA LIKE MENTORING??? Violetpaw should get a warrior name

TWIGPAW PUT A PILLOW UNDER HER BLANKET SO NO ONE WOULD NOTICE SHE LEFT AHAHAHHA I bet she went to find Skyclan didn't she

PURDY

NOOOOOOO PURDYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

my gf said indigestion can sometimes have those effects on a cat if its really bad i didn't know that

PURDY CANT BE GONE PLEAS

I am SO sad I knew this was coming and I hated it terrible awful

I never saw a vigil so sweet. We Are All Love Purdy.

OH RIGHT TWIGPAW GSGWHAHAH

I appreciate no one is annoyed or pissed theyre all just worried, I am too

Apparently Alderheart and Bramblestar disagree lot? They seem to get along great though. And uh I guess Bramblestar doesn't always take his advice but, that doesn't mean much they like talk about stuff and Bramblestar forms conclusions taking in consideration the stuff his son said and all. Idk, feels like a weird statement Twigpaw something tells me the Erins are failing to send a message somewhere

Fuck I hope someone finds twigpaw soon, her adventure has been fun but I'm terrified for her

Violetpaw seems to be having a hard time too, not only is everything awful and terrible plus we had a time skip of a few days so who knows what happened to Twigpaw. Anyways Violetpaw having to care for Needletail like a mentor is like a young teen having to care for a young adult's mental health and that always sucks for the kid, there's not much else that can be done though Needletail probably doesn't want to worry

Violetpaw :C

This is so sad and terrible, I wish Violetpaw could be with Twigpaw right now she wouldn't be starclan knows where if they were just together!!! I hope the other cats don't start saying nonsense about Violetpaw now. She's scared she won't be accepted in Thunderclan and doesn't see herself as worthy of acceptance, and feels responsible for her older friend. I'm :CC

PAGGDHAHAHA Zelda is a trash cat and I love her

Violetpaw is suffering so much and Darktail is absolutely brainwashing her ass and she can't understand how he is to blame for everything.

Oh boy when she does.

This is such a good story God im like very tired and in need of sleep but I can't stop reading

Oh God so much has happened, this is so terrible, I love that Mothwing and Alderheart are hanging out tho I forgot what a fun character she can be!!!

Thinking about how so much would be easier since book 1 if Onestar agreed to lend a helping paw. Thinking about the begging dying bodies piling up at his door. Thinking about onestar.

Oh scratch what I said earlier guys WHEN VIOLETPAW FINDS OUT DARKTAIL KILLED DAWNPELT OH BOY

Its terrible knowing dawnpelt isn't there and like, so far thinking she was in thunderclan, only to have thunderclan cats wonder if she's in shadowclan like oh God oh fuckle this is IT

I feel so bad for Loki and Zelda :c I would give them treats

What the fuck Darktail

Holy shit Darktail

I am noticing like, cats making seriously spot on assumptions of things that happened out of small information and idk if that really isn't realistic and just a way to make cats realize things or if I'm just too autistic to relate

I'm so glad the medicine cats treat anxiety. Last time I remember that happening was the prophecy begins but I might be forgetting somethin

The fear these cats have of the clans ending feels so real I am absolutely terrified for them and I love it

It doesn't make sense for twigpaw 2 die so I'm not buying it but wow this hurts

Violetpaw time

I am itching for them to find skyclan so bad

Violetpaw you're not Squirrelpaw or Leafpaw in the new prophecy you wouldn't have felt if Twigpaw died :P

Bro Needletail :c I miss when she was a wild free creature

This prisoner smuggling deal is so fun I am absolutely excited about everyone's plans, it can't all go well so soon though.

TWIGPAW YESSSS BABY I MISSED YOU

Twigpaw lactose intolerant moment

omg she had a vision

Vision cat be nice 2 my baby she is dying

TWIGPAW FOUND SKYCLAN YESSSS YES YES YES

OMG......HAWKWING.....AAAAAAA THATS HER DAD BRO SHE FOUND HER DAD IM YESSSS YEAYESYESYEYD

This is so good im so happy

This is so awful I'm so sad WHERES THE CLAN CATS they were supposed to show up when they were asleep right????? Fuck!!!

This is so scary

NEEDWETAIL IM

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Violetpaw definitely could have used a better friend at times, but God was Needletail good im so sad

Bramblestar: alderheart we need a point of view from thunderclan of what's happening so you're coming to the battle

OMG THEY DID IT!!!! I DID NOT EXPECT THAT WROW VERY NICE

Oh this is so exciting, how will they get Windclan back????

Twigpaw baby you always had your place here

I think they should both go to Skyclan but I understand if Twigpaw is indecisive she has always had a good life in Thunderclan.

Nononono Rowanstar, Scourge is the villain from the The Prophecy Begins here, your guy is named Darktail

Ominousnestar

I have been vaguely spoiled about Onestar being related to Darktail but I have no clue how

I can see Onestar's, Smoke's and Darktail's designs rotating in my mind its beautiful

I'm loving this story this is so cool

You dare challenge the warrior cats Fandom?

SKYCLAN, DROP YOUR CATS

RIVERCLAN, GET THE BUCKET

WINDCLAN, GRAB YOUR LEAFBLOWERS

THUNDERCLAN, GRAB YOUR LIGHTNING RODS

SHADOWCLAN, IDK MAN SAY BOO OR SOMETHING AHHAHA

I'm glad this is the prophecy this series really is Tumblr vs 4chan

Oh my god

This is so surreal

What an astounding battle wow and what an ending

I loved it

That was so so good

Everything here was fantastic, looking back its hard to believe they managed to fit so much plot into one book and like the pacing was Very Good this was just good writing wow? The development of Darktail, everything with Onestar, very fun I was on the edge of my seat through the whole thing it was incredibly fun. I’m very excited for what’s to come too, I worry it probably won’t be as fun and exciting as this since they already got rid of the biggest threat, unless they get another, but still like I really wanna know what’s gonna happen with Skyclan! And Violetpaw and Twigpaw!!!! How will the clans cope with all this loss and receive a new clan in the territories??? There’s a lot of good build up that I don’t know if it will live up to all that happened so far, but I think it can be very good and I’m excited, lots ahead of us!!! Oh boy!!

[lupurel]

it’s the Jake’s Mental Health Corner Update time (this is long and probably Do Not read it)

let me Tell u something. me?  i gave up that ‘trusting people’ shit a LONG Time ago. bro ive been so fucking paranoid and depressed lately its not even a bitfunny anymore and having semi-relapses and some of its not my fault but also Some of it is? Like i’ll legit get a thought in my head and instead of stopping it like i usually do ill let it spiral. and spiral. and spiral. and spiral

until all i can think about is how everyone probably talks about me behind my back or they dont like me as much as they say they do or i’ll Fuck up(tm) again and make the worst assumption but ill make the mistake again of saying it out loud and i wont be able? to Explain why i think the way i do other than ‘ idont know Guess im just fucked up’ and then that’ll get all my friends to leave 

But maybe that would be better you know? Because sometimes i think im such a shitty person anyway like, the last time i tried to help someone ,REALLY help someone, it was just for my own gain. I just wanted to prove to myself i could do it , so that i could lift up my own self esteem. And even to this day sometimes i still feel like that about people? not...Like i dont act on it anymore but it seems lately

sometimes my only two feelings for people are either this fuckin Pity or a ‘oh god ill never be as good as them’ envious feeling? Which are both awful? i either get fuckin like... freakishly jealous yet idolizing that they’ll always be better than me, or i feel They can never get on my level (not that thats a bad thing because whomst the fuck wants to be on this shitty stage) and i’ll be nice to them but out of pity?????

that or nothing at all. that or i dont feel anything at all and im just acting out the part of being their friend. sometimes i wonder if im really even capable of caring about people Genuinely? like other people talk about? and that sounds so .....like, Mind-boggling, but sometimes i feel like the ‘care’ that i give people will always be dirty and unclean. and tainted by my own desires. is that normal? like is it normal to feel like no matter what, you can’t really selflessly love someone else? even if you do favors for them and never ask anything in return (which to be fair i never do that anyway, i Always gotta have Something), you’re still using them to some degree because you’re just tricking them into liking you you know? like youre only doing those favors for them to get them to like you Its Manipulation(TM) right?

I can try to be as Nice as a fuckin saint but in the end im still just doing it so that ill feel loved. Like it’s still only just for me. and i see so many people that love their friends and s/os so dearly and so...purely? like that sounds meme-ish  in this day and agebut i mean it. i see people that have a pure love for others and i just wish i could. feel that. i wish i had that because i feel like i cant give it to people even when i want so Badly to

or thats how i see it in my head anyway

but maybe im overthinking it? And also talking about it just makes me feel even more awful for a second because i dont want people to see this part of me that feels like im a shitty person because when you talk about how shitty you are i feel like people start to see it too. like ‘oh yeah you Do do that now that you Mention it’ and i just cant stand the fact that theyre gonna hate it as much as i do

I wish people didn’t hate me? or i wish i didnt constantly feel like they did. I feel like even if people don’t hate me for good reasons that they cant see they’ll find something else to hate about me that’ll be just as valid. like that i interrupt people too much or only know how to make conversations by making everything about Me again or im so torn up about isolating myself but i wont stop doing it, i wont stop ignoring people and turning people away even though it Fuckign eats me away inside?  I Hate doing it!

and then i cling to a specific number of people while pushing everyone else away, every one that tries to get in and see what im all about i just push them away and stick to the same people who already Know and are gonna get sick of me eventually and then who is gonna Care? no one will because i ignored them and the people that i didnt ignore found out how awful i am , still am, even after all this time even though they trusted me to get better

I feel like i havent gotten better at all

Outside of my social life I still can barely feed myself, i still can barely shower or brush my teeth, i still cant go on walks even when i really , really want to even when i just want to feel the sun i cant. I cant go outside because ill get people looking at me and i cant stand strangers looking at me. i just want to be alone but also im more terrified of it than anything and being so alone in this world is whats eating me up inside. not doing anything is whats killing me, not getting to talk to anyone face to face is whats killing me, But i cant stand doing it! i cant stand doing it whenver i do get the chance

And no one can help me but myself and i know this. i know its my job. its my responsibility. i Know this

but you cant stop wishing you know? when youre like this, you cant help but wish for something to come along and just magically. make it all disappear. magically make all your problems better and thats the problem? thats the entire problem with people like me. because logically, the only thing that makes things disappear? The only thing that makes it so you dont have to feel bad anymore? well

Well.

You Know What.

But im not gonna ever attempt That again

I think im fine now. writing it all out really...helps...even if this is just like some nonsensical piece of garbage and honestly i think i make it out to be worse than it is. Its fine yknow? it goes away pretty quickly. and it feels nice to have a platform to put it on , where people Might see but not guaranteed see? like theres a chance they can, and you can still feel acknowledged and like you exist, but you dont have to freak out about it. thats nice. thats kinda why i still use this site after its descent into Hell

if you made it to the end of all this Congrats my friend and i know this might seem like super....uh, Heavy but Really....it Passes. it comes and goes. Im Done Now good DAY

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.

[gulescamisade]

Virginia:  Day 3

TAKODA: -they're all fueled up again and he's back to driving, but he's found another place for them to stop while he tries to figure out the best route to minnesota. he's noticed that a lot of major highways are blocked off by the military, so... it's probably best to avoid those. even if the condesce wants to toy with them as she is, there's no way of predicting anyone else's behavior.-

DEREK: -meanwhile, he's hovering around his brother. takes a seat next to him wherever he's at.- Hey.

DAVENFORTH: -He's been sitting here, thinking too much. Help him. At least his brother is here.- Sup

DEREK: ... I dunno about you but Ive been thinkin a lot about the news.

DAVENFORTH: Nah i havent thought about it even once in fact id forgotten about it entirely

DEREK: Yeah ok. 

DEREK: So whats your plan? I know youve got one.

PENNY: -slides closer from like two seats away- what news?

DAVENFORTH: What do you mean are you really asking me if im a bad enough dude to assassinate the presidents

DAVENFORTH: Because thats not even on the table look at every card and lo and behold it aint there conveniently missing like the last piece of the puzzle

DEREK: ... 

DEREK: -looks at penny- Dual juggalo presidents.

PENNY: ... -snrk- 

PENNY: yall just found out that happened?

DAVENFORTH: Yeah

DEREK: Cant say Ive had much opportunity to keep on top of all the bullshit goin down here.

PENNY: hoo boy well. 

PENNY: welcome to the new United States of Whatever.

RILEY: -she was dead asleep, and suddenly, she wakes up. sleeping on a party bus is great. she stretches a little before noticing that penny is talking to Derek and davenforth, but it's hard to know if it's a step forward or backward. which is why she's conveniently pretending to not pay attention but in reality is intensely eavesdropping-

DAVENFORTH: This is my united states of whatever

PENNY: -she still hasn't quite figured out that Derek is her Boy. she's been avoiding looking at Riley a little too much.- 

PENNY: and then up comes Zafo and Im like yo Zafo whats up hes like nothin and Im like thats cool.

PENNY: ok but really.

PENNY: the whole things a joke and everybody knows it.

PENNY: but not even a good one.

DAVENFORTH: Pretty dangerous joke

DAVENFORTH: Your new buddy back there finds their very existence offensive

PENNY: yeah well Im more scared of what were doing right now than the clowns sitting in the White House.

PENNY: literal clowns.

DAVENFORTH: Those clowns are a lot more dangerous than you think

RILEY: -why does jodie love the clowns so much-

PENNY: Im a lot more dangerous than they think.

PENNY: theyre just human anyway.

DAVENFORTH: Ill let you fight em then

DEREK: Yeah but. Humans appointed by the queen bee bitch herself no doubt. DEREK: Clearly theyre influencin the populous into a compliant lifestyle under her rule.

DAVENFORTH: Anyway i think we should make a pit stop on the way to minnesota

DAVENFORTH: Let condy were coming

PENNY: oh sure. PENNY: Id love to punch a juggalo in the dick.

DAVENFORTH: Well

DAVENFORTH: Thats good to hear

TAKODA: -glances back at them- UM... NOT TO EAVESDROP, BUT 1 TH1NK WE M1GHT HAVE TO PASS THROUGH D.C. ANYWAY... MOST OF THE H1GHWAYS ARE BLOCKED... ER. THERE ARE TOLLS, BUT, 1'VE BEEN AFRA1D TO... SEE WHAT 1T 1S THEY'RE CHARG1NG... TAKODA: BUT WE ARE CLOSE TO THE CAP1TAL... 1 GUESS WE M1GHT AS WELL... STOP THERE... -doesn't seem keen on the idea though-

HIGHBLOOD: to eavesdrop, weren't like it wasn't gonna already get up and goin on, bein in the middle of that route makes shit easier =Dueces from the back=

PENNY: WOOOOOO!!!!

DAVENFORTH: Kill the figureheads and send the heart a message

DAVENFORTH: She can be touched

PENNY: fuck troll booths GO JOHN WILKES BOOTH.

RILEY: -done with eavesdropping apparently- are we assassins now?

MAYOR: -produces a burger King crown and stomps on it on the floor. NO MASTERS. NO KINGS.-

DEREK: Lil dude knows whats up.

PENNY: YEEAAHHH BOIII.

DEREK: -to be fair riley some of us here have always been assassins.-

DAVENFORTH: -Sweats-

RILEY: -WELL I HAVENT-

QIRIN: =she has almost been assassinated several dozen times. does that count as experience?=

RILEY: -aside from assassinating the abstract concepts of family-

PENNY: -YOU DID SUCCEED AT THAT-

QIRIN: =ladies=

PENNY: so whats the plan? how are we doing it?

RILEY: anarchy.

HIGHBLOOD: you'll find the how's always changin sis HIGHBLOOD: best to do it, get it done cause ain't no event can be planned down

DAVENFORTH: Especially not with clowns in the mix

DAVENFORTH: Trust me we got this

PENNY: so were driving the party bus into the White House. got it.

TAKODA: (UHH...)

HIGHBLOOD: hell yeah

DAVENFORTH: Not quite but close

TAKODA: (OH... THAT'S A REL1EF... PROBABLY?)

RILEY: but still with a bang.

TAKODA: ST1LL... 1T WOULD PROBABLY BE ADV1SABLE, 1F WE HAD SOME K1ND OF PLAN, BEFORE WE ROLLED 1NTO THE CAP1TAL... -fidgets nervously-

RILEY: no plan. everyone for themselves. if our plans contradict each other's and we all die, oh well.

HIGHBLOOD: amen sis, everybody's gotta go sometime

RILEY: -oh my god he's being serious-

HIGHBLOOD: :o)

TAKODA: ...

RILEY: that is not actually what i think we should do.

RILEY: just putting that out there.

HIGHBLOOD: =Is he? Who knows= here i was under some mass assumption that the ones all up without alla that gumption and fight experience was gonna leap they asses into the fray wills n nills flung about

DEREK: -snickers. oops.-

RILEY: -unimpressed face at derek-

DEREK: -love u...-

RILEY: -UH HUH-

DEREK: -just winks-

RILEY: -acts like she's pushing her hair out of her face but she is only using her middle finger-

DAVENFORTH: I could probably get in easy enough by myself

DAVENFORTH: Doubt the security is much of anything

HIGHBLOOD: =sNRK, they really aren't much of anything he's sure=

RILEY: don't play the hero. -THIS AINT OVERWATCH AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD GENJI-

DAVENFORTH: Hardly playing hero

RILEY: then who's gonna be your backup?

DEREK: That would be me.

RILEY: then who's going to be YOUR back up?

DAVENFORTH: We got each others backs thats three sixty coverage

DAVENFORTH: We could take molly hes rowdy enough -That's you ghb-

HIGHBLOOD: i was already headed there but i could leave a trail for y'all :oP =eats nachos at=

PENNY: alright well I call dibs on the getaway bus.

RILEY: can we make sure my kid has a dad and an uncle and a...big clown guy by the time we leave D.C.? no stupid reckless shit.

DEREK: Baby please when have I ever been reckless?

PENNY: -side eyes-.........

PENNY: kid?

HIGHBLOOD: =eats these nachos and watches this=

RILEY: all the fucking time. -glances at penny- yeah. kid.

DEREK: --

DAVENFORTH: Pretty sure lif would kill me if i died

PENNY: -she's real quiet now, staring at the floor of the bus.-

RILEY: hilarious. -she notices penny's demeanor change and isn't quite sure why, but figuring out her sister now isn't as easy it was when sadness went away with hugs and singing made her happy-

PENNY: -She's working her jaw and tapping her foot as the seconds and the minutes go by, and then before long she hops up and rushes to the little bus bathroom, clanging the door shut behind her.-

DEREK: -watches her storm off- ... -looks back at riley-

RILEY: -also watches- well, shit.

DAVENFORTH: Damn

ROXANNE: -With the sound of the bus bathroom door shutting she starts to wake up from her nap in the back of the bus. Why people gotta be noisy.-

LIFERA: -probably snuggled up to Roxanne too. It's a cuddle nap party in the back of the bus.-

ROXANNE: -Sits up some more only to have the donuts GHB apparently stacked on her head while she was out topple onto her lap.- ........... -blinks at them.-

ROXANNE: -Also heck, fish queen is adorable, shes taking care not to wake her as she sits up and quietly stretches.-

HIGHBLOOD: =In which case Lifera has donuts on her horns=

ROXANNE: -That... is amusing.- ROXANNE: -Okay time to stretch her legs, she carefully gets up from the back of the bus snuggle pile and moves herself forward towards the rest of the awake people.- ROXANNE: -Sits and dusts donut crumbs off herself.- So. Miss anything interestin'?

DEREK: Only that were gonna storm the white house and assassinate the presidents.

ROXANNE: ....Are we bein' serious or not in saying that?

RILEY: -her mind's a little elsewhere and she keeps having to focus on not looking at the bathroom door.-

ROXANNE: -Maybe Riley needs a nap. Naps are pretty relaxing. Just look how calm Roxanne is right now.-

RILEY: -NOBODY ASKED YOU ROXANNE!!!!!!-

DEREK: I cant believe yall are accusing me left and right of taking such serious subjects lightly. Unbelievable.

ROXANNE: Thats not technically an answer.

ROXANNE: Just want to be clear on whatever plan people are makin' up when im snoozing.

RILEY: baseless accusations. -she's gonna move next to Derek because too many feelings about family right now.-

ROXANNE: -Props her feet up on the empty seat next to her.-

DEREK: -wraps an arm around riley. relax, babe.- For real though thats the plan. DEREK: Were right on the Capitals doorstep. In the middle of a war. The Condesce thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants with any idiot working under her. DEREK: Might as well send her a message.

RILEY: -leans against him.- they wanna fuck shit up.

ROXANNE: -Mmmmm, she certainly feels conflict over this idea. On one hand, earth is her home and damn right shes all for getting rid of this clown presidency bullshit. However, her biggest priority is to find and get back to her loved ones asap...- 

ROXANNE: I get the sentiment.

ROXANNE: You make it sure sound easy though.

DAVENFORTH: Its just juggalos how hard could it be

ROXANNE:

President

juggalos. Even Trump had protection.

DEREK: Yeah but Derek and Davenforth Strider werent alive back then. -this cocky motherfucker-

ROXANNE: -He is the most cocky.- ROXANNE: Mmmhm.

DEREK: -more winking-

ROXANNE: -Manboy please.-

JODIE: -burps-

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie at the burp.-

JODIE: scuzie.

HIGHBLOOD: blame it on the bubbly sis =he's probably shared faygo with her=

JODIE: i thought y'all would be more anxious to reunite with yer kid.

ROXANNE: I sure am.

ROXANNE: No offense to porrim but my skin has been crawlin' knowin russet is on the ship without at least one of us.

QIRIN: =has she been pacing? yup=

JODIE: sorry...kids.

DAVENFORTH: -Sighs-

RILEY: we are all very far apart i think so... i'm not sure this detour will take away much time at all.

JODIE: yeah. 'caus eoverthrowin the government is really just a pit stop.

ROXANNE: It's goin' to take more time them going straight there.

ROXANNE: Also there is the whole. 

ROXANNE: I dunno' chance of dying?

DAVENFORTH: Jinjin is in good hands besides what were doin is gonna help make a better place for them to grow up

JODIE: do you really think everythin is gonna work out exactly as you plan it to. -just staring flatly-

DEREK: Yep.

ROXANNE: -She's with you Jodie.-

JODIE: i mean you're the ninja's not me.

RILEY: ain't dave in alaska? and dirk is in the black hole of texas.

JODIE: 'sides it hought you all were apart of a crew but i don't see you askin permission.

DAVENFORTH: Im real bad at doing that

ROXANNE: Wow the confidence is unreal. -She's a little salty that Derek isn't more anxious to get back to his kids.-

DAVENFORTH: Ask my nephew

JODIE: sounds like arrogant, poorly planned bs.

JODIE: this is just a testosterone-fest.

JODIE: -snorts-

DAVENFORTH: No this is about sending a fucking message

JODIE: don't try to make it seem all noble. at lesat be honest. haha.

DEREK: -naturally he's anxious to see them, but he's with his brother here...-

RILEY: -watches jodie-

ROXANNE: -Stand up to your brother-

DEREK: -why would he stand up to him when he agrees with him??-

HIGHBLOOD: =Plays tense, appropriate music for the bickering humans. Tramatic muffled trumpet softly in the bg=

DAVENFORTH: This is about telling her that were not standing for this bullshit she knows were coming but shes gonna know were coming with a goddamn vengeance im not gonna let my daughter grow up in the grips of a galaxy that despises her fuckin existence and im damn sure not gonna let her live with the same bullshit ive gone through

JODIE: -sad trombone would be more fitting in her opinion-

DAVENFORTH: If youve got a problem youre welcome to walk

JODIE: i'm just sayin, you can't go around claiming this is the best plan for everyone. it's just the best plan for yer ego.

JODIE: i ain't going anywhere.

JODIE: i don't have any special powers. and i ain't got no leg to stand on when it comes to decision making. i'm barely a crew member.

ROXANNE: Im siding with Jodie on this. ROXANNE: Im really all for taking the ax to this new government, but we've got other issues to deal with first.

ROXANNE: We can meet up with everyone else and regroup an attack later.

DAVENFORTH: You can go too i dont give a shit

ROXANNE: Right now we are spread thin, with no back up, no intell. And like hell you two are doin' it on your own.

JODIE: -just snort laughs.-

JODIE: well, there wasn't no harm in trying. -JUST CHINHANDING.-

DAVENFORTH: Im not askin for backup and im not asking you to be alright with it ill go it alone if i goddamn have to but im not just gonna let this woman have her way with earth like she has every other planet

DAVENFORTH: Shes fucking playing us

DAVENFORTH: Weve lost too much we hold dear

DAVENFORTH: Its her fucking turn

ROXANNE: -Stares straight at Derek like "Can you believe this??"-

JODIE: -shrugalugs at riley and then just sprawls over the bus seat again.-

DEREK: -sorry ro...- We gotta pass through DC regardless so. 

DEREK: Maybe yall dont wanna go with us but aint nothin gonna stop me and him from trying.

QIRIN: | )

ROXANNE: -STARES HARDER.-

DAVENFORTH: Just drop us off fuck it

ROXANNE: Derek. You got one infant girl on a ship hundreds of miles away. ROXANNE: And another unborn baby sittin' right next to you.

ROXANNE: ...Are you actually bein' serious right now???

ROXANNE: You can be as confident as you want but you know going through with that plan means you might Die right?

DAVENFORTH: Third times the charm -Scoffs-

JODIE: if you can't convince em not to do it, you should try to minimize the damage.

QIRIN: >_> =what did u say=

DAVENFORTH: -YOU HEARD HIM-

RILEY: -she doesn't know exactly what to say here. she considers herself stuck either way. There's no winner here. Some of the most stubborn people she knows are in this bus. she sighs, rubbing her own neck-

DEREK: -stfu dave u ain't dying.-

JODIE: -looking at Roxanne- you're a smart lady arentcha. they'd have a better chance of survivin if you helped.

QIRIN: Is the term not "three strikes, you are out"?

ROXANNE: -Side eyes Jodie even more.- Of course im helpin' if he goes through with this stupid plan.

JODIE: cool beans.

DEREK: -scoffs a little. incredible...- 

DEREK: Well yeah Im goin through with it.

ROXANNE: Maybe hopefully he'll realize how crazy this is if both of Russet's parents are at risk--

ROXANNE: -YOU ARE REALLY TESTING HER DEREK.-

RILEY: -while they're talking, she moves Derek's arm off of her and walks off where she sits in the back-

ROXANNE: -Her eyes follow Riley, shes pretty miffed she didn't say anything in this argument.-

JODIE: -she's also judging riley for this tbh-

JODIE: -but she's already accepted her fate. she's doing all she can to help, at least for jamie's sake.-

DAVENFORTH: -He's quiet. Thinking about his two daughters. How condy's reign would mean their literal deaths.-

QIRIN: =She's thinking utter subjugation and ruin of her people=

QIRIN: =though both are not pretty thoughts=

RILEY: -she thinking about history repeating itself and how truly fucked they'll all be this time-

DAVENFORTH: -But he's also thinking about Beforus, Europa, the people here on Earth. How much would it mean to end the figureheads of their subjugation. Would it spur them on to fight? Would Condy's grasp on Earth slip even a little bit?-

JODIE: -She's thinking about how aginst this James would be.-

JODIE: -Sorry charlie!-

JODIE: -If somebody stronger was here in her eplace.-

RILEY: -she wasn't thinking about the consequences much before. but where the hell is she going to have to wait around while all this happens?-

DAVENFORTH: I think everyone who doesnt want in should continue to minnesota

RILEY: -from the back, a little irritated- and wait?

JODIE: no. i'm gonna help. -SPITEFUL-

JODIE: -maybe you get to do this, but she's not going to let you HAVE this-

DAVENFORTH: Thats your choice

DAVENFORTH: You just gonna wait in dc riley

JODIE: -She's liking Davenforth less and less all the time. Stupid jerk.-

RILEY: i don't fucking know. i sure as hell ain't going out of state away from you three while you try to pull this off.

DAVENFORTH: -It's fine he's used to it-

RILEY: i don't want to leave anybody behind.

DAVENFORTH: I respect that

DAVENFORTH: I dont want yall in danger for somethin you didnt sign up for i aint forcin that on anyone but im doin this

ROXANNE: Do you honestly think you would be doing it alone. Not everyone on this bus is okay with letting some of us go on a possible suicide mission.

DAVENFORTH: You should know me by now ro

JODIE: -Snorts.- so charitable.

RILEY: look, if i didn't have a tiny person inside of me, then i'd jump in and help.

ROXANNE: Guess I thought I did. -She shrugs.- 

ROXANNE: Im doin' it with you two, but im not happy 'bout it. Actually Im pretty pissed. 

ROXANNE: We do live through this I'm kicking your asses myself after we get back to the ship.

QIRIN: =clears her throat after a very long time of being quiet= I would like to hear more of this plan of yours if you or...we are to go through with this.

DAVENFORTH: Everyones kicking my ass after this one probably

TAKODA: -all these bad vibes... he's just going to go back to driving since they uh... have a plan now, he guesses. he's mostly uneasy because he knows, as a part of the resistance, they should take an opportunity as it's presented to them...-

RILEY: -rubbing her forehead-

DEREK: -his guilt isn't obvious, but it's definitely there. he doesn't want to endanger anybody here, and it ain't as if he wants to orphan any of his kids, but... sometimes you gotta follow your gut. he's just keeping quiet for now.-

RILEY: -she puts her hood of the jacket she's wearing up and turns so that she's watching everything pass by, damn hormones and emotions making her eyes all watery-

JODIE: -drinks-

RILEY: -IF ONLY SHE COULD-

[viralhottopics]

An incomplete list of Hollywood’s favorite excuses for whitewashing and why they’re nonsense

Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell

Image: paramount

Between Iron Fist, Ghost in the Shell and that first Death Note trailer, it’s been a banner month for racially insensitive casting.

But while the problem may be getting extra attention right now, it’s not new and it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon, either. In fact, with each passing controversy, the excuses have just started to sound more and more familiar.

SEE ALSO: Netflix’s ‘Death Note’ teaser trailer opens the book on horror and destruction

Hollywood’s racial bias comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s “whitewashing” casting a white actor to play a character who was originally conceived of as non-white, like the Major in Ghost in the Shell or Light in Death Note. (John Oliver has an excellent primer on the industry’s long history of whitewashing here.)

Other times, it might be favoring a white lead character in a narrative that borrows problematically from non-white cultures like positioning Iron Fist‘s Danny Rand and Doctor Strange‘s Stephen Strange as the ultimate practitioners of mystical martial arts that they learned in made-up Asian countries.

Perhaps most insidiously, it can also mean simply overlooking POC talent, and defaulting to white characters and white actors time and time again, even when there’s no narrative reason to do so. We adore Tim Burton and the Coens as much as the next person, for example, but it’s hard to deny that their films tend to be pretty homogenous.

(And we’re just talking about casting here, though the data shows that there’s racial inequality in basically all areas, at basically all levels of the industry. More on that here.)

Image: giphy

If there’s a bright side to these seemingly endless controversies, it’s that they’re making headlines moviegoers seem less and less willing to let this kind of prejudice slide. Even as journalists and audiences have become more critical, though, too many stars and filmmakers seem to be stuck pushing the same old defenses.

So in the interest of saving everyone some time, we’ve compiled some of Hollywood’s favorite excuses for favoring white people in casting and some thoughts on why each one falls apart.

Actually, this is a really diverse cast.

Eddie Redmayne and Katherine Waterston in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Image: Warner Bros.

Recently used by: J.K. Rowling, who insisted, “Everyone in Fantastic Beasts is not white.”

Also used by: Steven Paul (Ghost in the Shell), Joe Wright (Pan), Ridley Scott (Exodus: Gods and Kings), Finn Jones (Iron Fist).

Why it’s nonsense: This excuse might hold up if it were actually true in any meaningful sense if, in fact, the real problem was that detractors were just woefully misinformed about the makeup of the cast and/or the significance of their roles.

But very often, the “diverse” cast members turn out to be supporting players or even extras, while white stars get the meaty leading roles. Yes, it’s nice that America’s wizarding community has a black female leader in Fantastic Beasts, or that Tiger Lily’s tribe is a racially diverse bunch in Pan. It’s just too bad they get fuck-all to do compared to the white leads.

Even in Iron Fist, which is a bit more evenhanded than some of these other examples, there’s no question of whose story gets top priority and it’s not Claire Temple’s or Colleen Wing’s.

This argument, then, turns out to be disingenuous. It makes no distinction between a high-profile hero and a half-baked love interest, a one-off guest star, or a non-speaking extra.

This is a universal story.

Russell Crowe in Noah

Image: paramount

Recently used by: Producer Ari Handel, explaining why Darren Aronofsky’s Noah was about a bunch of white people. “From the beginning, we were concerned about casting, the issue of race,” he stressed, before going ahead to put his foot in his mouth:

What we realized is that this story is functioning at the level of myth, and as a mythical story, the race of the individuals doesnt matter. Theyre supposed to be stand-ins for all people. Either you end up with a Bennetton ad or the crew of the Starship Enterprise. You either try to put everything in there, which just calls attention to it, or you just say, Lets make that not a factor, because were trying to deal with everyman.

Also used by: Lilly Wachowski (Cloud Atlas).

Why it’s nonsense: Leaving aside that it’d actually be really nice to see a cast diverse enough to make up a Benetton ad, why should “everyman” default to white? (We can’t know the ins and outs of casting for Noah, but Handel makes no indication that they ever seriously considered the possibility of, say, an all-Middle Eastern cast.) The assumption here seems to be that only people of color have race, while white serves as a totally neutral default.

Cloud Atlas and Noah might think they’re beyond race somehow, because they’re concerned with lofty ideas but they’re still movies made by and for people who live in this world, with all of our weird racial hangups and troubling cultural contexts.

We wanted to avoid stereotypes.

Tilda Swinton in Doctor Strange.

Image: marvel/disney

Recently used by: Doctor Strange director Scott Derrickson, who in trying to avoid one controversy face-planted straight into another. It was a challenge from the beginning that I knew I was facing with both Wong and the Ancient One being pretty bad racial stereotypes1960s versions of what Western white people thought Asians were like,” he said. “We werent going to have the Ancient One as the Fu Manchu magical Asian on the hill being the mentor to the white hero. I knew that we had a long way to go to get away from that stereotype and clich.

Also used by: Johnny Depp (The Lone Ranger).

Why it’s nonsense: Avoiding stereotypes is a good goal to start with, but casting a white person to play the part of a person of color doesn’t fix that problem. It just creates a different one. The better approach in scenarios like these would be to subvert the stereotype, maybe by using the character to comment on it or simply by fleshing them out so much that they’re not a flat, two-dimensional archetype any more. Or, better yet, start by asking yourself it’s even worth resurrecting such an outdated and possibly racist property in the first place.

But we hired a woman.

Scarlett Johansson in Ghost in the Shell

Image: paramount

Recently used by: Ghost in the Shell star Scarlett Johansson, who used Hollywood’s woman problem to deflect a question about Hollywood’s race problem. “I certainly would never presume to play another race of a person. Diversity is important in Hollywood, and I would never want to feel like I was playing a character that was offensive.”

However, she continued, “having a franchise with a female protagonist driving it is such a rare opportunity. Certainly, I feel the enormous pressure of that the weight of such a big property on my shoulders.”

Also used by: Tilda Swinton and Kevin Feige (Doctor Strange).

Why it’s nonsense: We’re all for seeing more and better female roles, but gender and race aren’t somehow equivalent or interchangeable. Bringing in a white lady doesn’t magically make up for erasing a person of color. Plus, this line of argument conveniently forgets that women of color exist. Ghost in the Shell wouldn’t have been any less female-led if its star had been an Asian or Asian-American woman.

We hired the best person for the job.

Characters voiced by Charlize Theron, Art Parkinson and Matthew McConaughey in Kubo and the Two Strings

Image: Moviestore/REX/Shutterstock

Recently used by: Director Travis Knight, addressing why his Japan-set fantasy Kubo and the Two Strings has a mostly-white voice cast. Ultimately, what matters most for us is the ability for an actor to convey the nuance and the emotional truth of the role using the only tool that they have at their disposal, which is their voice, he said. “There are very few actors in the world that can do that. There are a lot of great actors that cant do that.

Also used by: Tina Fey (Whiskey Tango Foxtrot), Scott Buck (Iron Fist), Rupert Sanders (Ghost in the Shell).

Why it’s nonsense: “Hiring the best person for the job” sounds all good and fair in theory. But ��best” is a subjective measure, and the specific criteria are set by the filmmakers. If they believe the “best” person for a non-white role is a white person, it means the filmmakers decided that racially sensitive casting wasn’t something they felt they needed to address.

(Keep in mind, too, that “best” can encompass all sorts of qualities that have little to do with the actual quality of an actor’s work, like how famous they are or what their public image is. It’s not as if the casting process exists in some artistically pure plane before race is factored in.)

Furthermore, there are plenty of films that seem to fare just fine with racially appropriate casts. Kubo itself was shown up a few weeks later by Moana, which went out of its way to find stars of Polynesian descent and was rewarded with praise in addition to all its of excellent reviews and truckloads of money.

Non-white stars arent bankable.

Joel Edgerton, Sigourney Weaver, John Turturro and Christian Bale in Exodus: Gods and Kings

Image: Fox/Scott Free

Recently used by: Ridley Scott, who blamed the business for making his Egypt look so white in Exodus: Gods and Kings. “I cant mount a film of this budget, where I have to rely on tax rebates in Spain, and say that my lead actor is Mohammad so-and-so from such-and-such,” he said. “Im just not going to get it financed. So the question doesnt even come up.”

Also used by: Dana Brunetti (21).

Why it’s nonsense: This argument sounds kiiinda pragmatic until you start to break it down. Sure, Exodus star Christian Bale is world famous. But is Joel Edgerton’s international fanbase really that big? Is 21 star Jim Sturgess’? And why are the options here “white A-lister” or “nameless nobody”? Non-white stars exist some of them even starred in Scott’s next movie, The Martian.

This rationale also conveniently forgets that Hollywood doesn’t just employ stars it creates them. Indeed, Sturgess himself was just a scrappy up-and-comer when he landed 21, which would turn out to be one of his first big breakthroughs. Brunetti could’ve used this opportunity to boost an Asian-American actor; he just chose not to.

And yes, while conventional wisdom might state that only white-led movies do well overseas, the conventional wisdom in this case is wrong.

Why would we need non-white people in this?

Ella Purnell, Asa Butterfield, Eva Green and more in Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Image: fox

Recently used by: Tim Burton, justifying the lily-whiteness of Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children. “[T]hings either call for things, or they dont. I remember back when I was a child watching The Brady Bunch and they started to get all politically correct. Like, OK, lets have an Asian child and a black,” he said.

“I used to get more offended by that than just … I grew up watching blaxploitation movies, right? And I said, thats great. I didnt go like, O.K., there should be more white people in these movies.”

Also used by: Joel and Ethan Coen (Hail, Caesar!).

Why it’s nonsense: Once again, this argument only makes sense if you assume that white stories and white characters are the default, whereas non-white stories and non-white characters have to be specifically “called for.”

This, by the way, is how you end up with stereotypes: by presuming that, say, a Latino character should only exist if there’s something “Latino” about the story.

And never mind that the blaxploitation genre, which Burton cites in his own defense, was created specifically because black people weren’t being represented in “mainstream” (i.e., white) movies.

This character is supposed to be (or look) white.

Matt Damon in The Great Wall

Image: Universal

Recently used by: Matt Damon (The Great Wall). I didn’t take a role away from a Chinese actor … it wasn’t altered because of me in any way,” Damon said, adding that he hopes criticism of the film will die down once people see that its a monster movie and its a historical fantasy.

Also used by: Cameron Crowe (Aloha), Ben Palmer (Urban Myths)

Why it’s nonsense: Of course you can have white characters in a story full of non-white people. Of course some non-white people can pass for white. But that doesn’t mean it makes sense to cast a white person as the star of a story about a person or a culture of a different background.

The reason it’s frustrating to see Damon in The Great Wall or Emma Stone in Aloha or Joseph Fiennes in Urban Myths is that it’s hard enough for an actor of color to snag a meaty role without getting shut out of stories that borrow from their culture or revolve around people of their heritage.

In short, as Hollywood continues to drag its feet on casting actors of color, their arguments are only wearing thinner. The only real fix is for this industry to become more inclusive.

That might mean reinventing an old property by bringing in a Native-American lead. Or launching the next big movie star from the pool of overlooked Latino actors. It might even mean gasp! hiring an actual Asian person to play an Asian person.

What it definitely doesn’t mean is returning to the same old excuses for keeping out people of color. We’ve heard it all already, Hollywood. It’s time to write a new story.

WATCH: Viola Davis is the first black woman to win an Emmy, Tony, and now, an Oscar for acting

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