#like i dont genuinely think its for me but im gonna keep at it bc its so pretty to look at
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OOH YEAH BABY ITS THE SURGERY EPISODE BABY!!! ME AND THE HOMIES NEED SOME NEW FACES FOR OUR NEW PLAN, AND WHO BETTER TO GET THE JOB DONE THAN THE TWO MOST EVIL PEOPLE WE'VE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF HAVING OUR LIVES VIOLATED BY? I MEAN IT WOULD BE FUNNY. IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw blood#cw gore#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#vex waylin#viv waylin#MY FAVORIT EP!! HAVNT SEEN IT IN FOREVER THO BC WELL. IM BUSY. SO BEAR W ME IM RUNNIN OFF ALOTTA MEMORY FUMES#ALSO EDIT BC FUUUCK I HADMORE TAGS BUT TUMBLR FUCKEN ATE EM. OH WELL. MY DMS R OPEN IF U WANNA UNLOCK RAMBLES.#I LOVE THE WAYLIN TWINS SSSOO FUCKING MUCH IM SO!!! CURIOUS ABOUT THEM!!! WHO WERE THEY WHEN THEY WERE HUMAN? HOW LONGVE THEY BEEN ARND?#I LOVE IT WHEN PPL SAY ITS LIKE THESE TWO WERE MADE FOR MMEE BC YES!! YES!! ITS EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WANT FROMA CHARACTER!!!#I LOVE THEIR RED WHITE N BLACK COLOR SCHEME. I LOVE HOW THEYRE BOTH SO INTELLIGENT AND GENIUS N YET THEYRE DUMB AS FUUUUCK#COOOMICAL SUPER VILLAINS. OOH ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME SHAMIA SHAMAI!!! HOW DARE YOU FOIL MY PLAN!! MY PLANS OF MUTILATING AWAKE N ALIVE PPL#COMICAL AND YET. GENUINELY HORRIFYING. VIV CAN MAKE UR BONES EXPLODE JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT. VEX CAN BECOME SOUP#WHY DONT WE TALK ABOUT THAT MORE? THE TURNING INTO RED MEAT SLIME?? METAL AS FUUUCK. I ALSO LOVE HOW SCARED THEY GOT SO QUICKLY#THIS LIL FUCKEN RRRRRAT COMES IN. AND WELL. HES JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS. WE FUCK HIM UP N TOSS HIM INTO THE SUN N LET HIM BURN#SURE HE HAD ONE MORE TRICK OF REBELLION UP HIS SLEEVE BUT THE SUN HAS TAKEN HIM NOW. ITS FINE. WE'RE FINE. HEY IS THERE SMTH IN THE CEILING#OHHH WE KILLED HIM ONCE N HE CAME BACK. WE KILLED HIM AGAIN N TOOK HIM APART BUT THEN HES BACK?? HE GETS AWAY AND THEN. COMES BACK. AGAIN.#WE CANT GET RID OF HIM. THAT FOUL SHAMIA SHAMAI. A MOUSE IN OUR KITCHEN. FUUUUCK HES GONNA SPREAD DISEASE! KILL IT! KILL IT!! AAAUUGH FUCK!#I LOVE THAT THE WAYLIN TWINS AGREED TO HELP THE BLONDE TWINS MOSTLY ON THE BASIS OF 'IT WOULD BE FUNNY' BUT ALSO#OOHHH WE ARE SO CLOSE TO REACHING SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NNEEVER FUCK WITH US AGAIN. HIS ILLUSIONS WILL HAUNT US NO LONGER#THEY WERE SSSOOO PARANOID W ALL THE CAMERAS AND BOMBING THEIR OWN LAB AND RUNNING AND RUNNING AND GETTING AWWAY FROM THIS FUCKEN! MOUSE!!!!#OHHHH I THINK IM RUNNIN OUTA ROOM so ill talk about da art real quick.BEEN WORKIN ON THIS FOR A WHIIILE.ALOTTA THESE were started when the#ep came out.so OLD!! BUT DONE!!and im very very happy w my colors n gore n EXPRESSIONS!! the top right corner comic keeps making me chuckle#I ALSO rly love the lil convo between arthur n viv.theyre SO CUTE TOGETHERR they should go ona museum date together or somethin#they need more time to just talk abt da World together.ALSO CAN I BE PETTY.I MADE ARTHUR UGLY CORRECT-STYLE#THESE BOYS KNOW NOTHING OF UGLY.I MADE THE VAMPIRIC FLESH EVOLVE N ROT N BLOSSOM AND THERE IS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE TENEBRAE#UHHH IEAH THIS GUY W A ROTTED N DISTORTED FACE WALKS INTO MY BIKE STORE IEAH IM SCREAAAMIN LIKE WADDA HELL!! MONSTOR!!!
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not posting my attempt but god watercolor is so difficult and Ugly when ur a bitch who doesn't know colors or control but ultimately its very fun and very pretty even when its ugly its sooo pretty. its literally ugly but its so pretty
#like i dont genuinely think its for me but im gonna keep at it bc its so pretty to look at#also it WAS the brushes btw. the brushes i ordered that actually hold a tip got here and it was way easier#i cant wait to use em with gouache#it was driving me crazy seeing ppl able to make thin lines with even big brushes bc they keep the tip and mine didnt#and now i can do the same...thank god i knew i wasnt crazy#talkys#also its hard bc i theoretically know how to control pigment and water off of a rly good video but its abt watercolor straight from the tub#i have tubed watercolors but ive panned them for easier access since my space is Small but idk how to control water and pigment with pan#paint....
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I need to try harder to get out of bed but augh
#🤖.txt#aghhfjg i really need to catch up on sleep. but i also want to do stuff but idk. this is dumb but nothing i do really feels worth the effor#anymore. Thinking like this is sad bc drawing is one of the few things i like doing and make me happy but idk#i might just go back to the way things were before. Just wait for the weekend and spend as much time drawing then#genuinely dont want to do anything at all this is so frustrating and im so tired and sad all the time#i know i should be using my break to focus on studying but with what time#Idkkkk i just really hate living like this#thinking about dropping out again but that would just mean house chores + babysitting full time while job hunting and idk if i can handle#that. I cant handle anything anymore and this is making me so sad . I want to be useful and do so many things but i reached my limit months#ago. I just wanted a week or two to just rest its all i need . But i know im never gonna get that again and at this point i might as well#just die but i cant do that neither bc i have shit to do#Everyone is always talking about how i have it so easy and how things are just gonna get worse bc they think me being home = me not doing#anything and idk. I cant take anything anymore and i think the most upsetting part of this is that i know theyre right#im not doing barely anything and i dont know. How to do more im just useless and ungrateful for the things i have#Really stressed and tired and literally nothing happened. Its gonna be 2pm soon and im supposed to wake up Earlier#But yeagh. this wasnt supposed to be this wall of text i just wanted to say that i might give up on art again for a while#aughhh i dont know how to do anything right idk how to live or take care of myself how am i supposed to raise someone .#this is. too much i think. I reallyyyyy need to relearn how to just talk to myself . I cant keep dropping these everyday and being . This t#evsryone around me. Everyone in my life deserves so much better than ill ever be#vent
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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Sometimes I feel like nobody wants me around especially if I'm upset or not of use to anyone
#i have a lot of friends (my only reason to stay around even if i feel like shit) so i dont know why im like this#maybe its bc my family life?#i don't know i just think i make things worse or smth#i think im bad luck#i just get paranoid sometimes and think im gonna fuck something up constantly#id genuinely let someone yell at me since Im not used to anything but that#that may be an issue but I'm going to be honest i think any other reaction isnt normal#because what do you mean i did somethings right ever#where the hell is the “you should've done that” or “do better” or “why are you like this”#sorry for being depressing#i keep letting my thoughts simmer and i need them out#KillerKiller.txt
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#man ive never seen an eating disorder kill someone else besides a parent infecting a child but my nana is really trying#shes like 1000% orthotexic. will not eat anything not filled with vegetables or fat. and my grandpa is 87yo with a heart condition currentl#in the hospital for covid bc thry went to Christmas church and dont believe in being vaccinated and my dad is so frustrated#bc he knows his mom is not gonna give his dad hearty foods. he needs to eat like protein shakes and meat and ice cream. anything thats not#her cooking which sucks on top of being extremely healthy. except its not healthy bc they dont eat a balanced diet#so its my nanas eating disorder killing her husband and shes so fucking frustrating. im like 99% sure she has obsessive compulsive#personally disorder bc she fits to a T and has zero insight. she may have full on 0cd bc talking to my dad he has more obvious 0cd#compulsions than i do. he used to say phrases before going to bed and would take 2 steps across the floor to prevent bad things from#happening. so like im pretty sure my nana is where i get my perfectionism and 0cd. god. i wish i could express how fucked up she is#like my dad said at least he had a stable home to grow up in but like she has zero sympathy for other people. cannot look past herself. wil#not wear a mask bc she doesnt care enough abt other ppl. my dad was like: u would not have survived in that house. which is fair bc i am#barely keeping it together coming from a stable home with two sympathetic parents who i know love me#and like its sad that they're suffering the effects of buying into the fox news bullshit and its killing them#but also. genuinely. i think theyre not very good ppl. theyre the type of people who think they're better bc they're religious. white. and#thin. and theyre not better thsn anyone. their grandchildren cant stand them. well cant stand her at least. papa is just quite so its hard#to say what hes thinking. apparently he was confused last night and saying something about eating dinner on the golf course. which sounds#nicer thsn being in the hospital lol. ugh. he seems not long for this world tbh. may he pass peacefully to b with his 1st wife who died of#brain cancer at age like 20 or something. so it goes. bleh. how many funerals are intended for me in the next 5 years? hopefully none but#that seems improbable with the unspoken drain circling that seems to b going on in this family. old age and like almost 10 years of cancer#defying the stats but for how much longer?#i dunno. its just so weird to watch these things happen and not talk about it directly to the other ppl who see it#i worry that ill come off as too callose or inappropriate bc i have that tendency when something bad is happening but thats everyone else#excuse? idk i just feel like its better to talk abt things#unrelated#ed mention#i tell u this so i can say these things to someone and also bc if i were u. i would like to hear the drama#bc im nosey and i assume other r too ;-]
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#i need a good reason to not kill myself because the world feels so fucking hostile right now and theres nowhere i can go to safety#my bank account is Seven Hundred And Thirty Dollars in the negatives. i have bills coming up this week. i have no hours at my job#i went to a job interview yesterday for fucking taco bell THATS how desperate i am. and im not even 100% sure if im gonna get it or not#and if i do get it my life will be miserable and i wont have time for anything else in my life im like actually terrified#i have so much Trauma from shitty unstable jobs for my whole adult life that it just feels painful to think about#i cant afford to live i cant afford to be homeless either#i should just die like genuinely im at the end of my rope i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this#my life is actively crumbing away beneath my feet the last thing i want to do is draw pictures#but i have to. i have no other choice i Have to#the world is better off without me in it OBVIOUSLY. like all i hear about constantly is how much trans people dont deserve to live#i shouldve considered this before i decided to be born the way i am#i never asked to be born into this. i wish i never was. i wish i wasnt alive right now#i dont want to live i dont want a life i dont want to keep on going if its just going to be like this all the time#i hate feeling this way because of MONEY. I HATE MONEY. MONEY ISNT REAL UNTIL IT IS REAL AND THEN ITS EXTREMELY REAL.#money is only real for poor people and thats what ive learned in my time on this earth#btw im not okay and nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel better because theres no fucking point in anything#i got denied for food stamps and welfare also btw lol like im doing everything i can to improve my life but everything sucks and is hard#and i dont have a safety net and im falling and falling and falling and im about to splat hard on the concrete#i have to do laundry and clean my room and make breakfast and work on art and all of that while knowing i cant pay my bills#i dont know why suddenly it feels impossible to do fucking anything. like theres no other choice but to suffer#it feels like the world is ending and Yes im having a catastrophic breakdown right now and i just need to shout into the void#i'll feel better after i eat but i need to get dressed first and i have no clean clothes so i have to do laundry#but i have to collect my clothes off of the floor and i have 0 energy bc i havent eaten and im stressed and fucked up#UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIES#things could absolutely be worse right now but this is about as bad as they can be before that happens. lol
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#having a creative rut feeling#gonna rant#im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well#and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that#like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw#but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it#i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh#idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make#and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame#but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset#im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay#bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know#I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content#multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame#but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't#vent ish
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not much i can do about or with people who have a fundamental misunderstanding of reality.
#mood#vent#we're clearly never gonna reach a middle ground here. i can tell you what it is a million times and it wont matter bc you've already#dug your heels in. and theres no way for us to healthily interact after that point. bc in many ways you perpetuate the abuse my abuser#put me through and *wants* other people to put me through. consciously or not.#and i cant just keep subjecting myself to people like that.#i hope some day you actually realize what your doing and actually try to like... be a better person n all but like until then you're just#gonna keep convincing yourself that abusing me and isolating me is morally just in some way. and i think i deserve better than that now.#i dont mean this to sound snarky tho ik its gonna come off that way but im genuinely sorry that you believe lies so easily.#bc ik what its like to struggle with that and not knowing what reality is so you just conclude something and not want to think about it#bc you never know whos telling the truth. if there was some way i could just *SHOW* you that im telling the truth I would but obviously#i cant. i just hope you believing those lies doesnt end you up in a shittier situation. or at least that the veil will eventually be lifted#i know how convincing they are and thats why im basically begging and pleading with you to be fucking careful#think whatever you're gonna think about me to confirm your bias's or whatever tf idc but at least fucking be careful around them.#at least fucking heed my fucking warning a little bit. it might save you from going through the same shit i did.#i mean- i do care. it hurts obviously. but i dont care enough to try to control and stop you is what i mean.
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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in all seriousness. im exhausted lol
#txt#its very hard 2 keep myself alive actually its kinda exhausting and on top it all off i dont have my medication bc i have to take a FUCKING#assessment every fucking 2 years or whatever to PROVE THAT THE FUCKING DISORDERS I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH ARE STILL IN MY BRAIN WHICH IS SO#FUCKING STUPID THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE TO AUTISM OR ADHD WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING PEOPLE THINK IT EXPIRES GO TO HELL??????#and its so HARD bc im not medicated i need money to live but i CANT live like everyone does because I Am Not Strong Enough#like genuinely people have no idea how easy it would be To Me to just end it and that i Only don't do it because there are people who would>#miss me. like i swear to god i'm not good right now and idk if this feeling is ever gonna go away bc it's been here since i was like. 5#lol. yay ❤️
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man. man. i'd feel bad venting to anybody and i dont even have words for everything im feeling but GOD DAMN i feel like ass
#this isnt a promt for anybody to be like 'you can vent to me!' btw#i genuinely dont want to talk. i know i should but. i just cant do it man.#im really just posting this to get it off my chest#but FUCK FUCK FUCKING AAAUAGGGHGHH I HATE BEING DISABLED#i know im not stupid or wothless or a burden but FUCK DAMN SHIT it feels like it#and testosterone makes me want to hit and throw and break things but obviously i cant do that#i keep thinking that i make everyone around me miserable and i know thats not true#but everyone seems to be going through it and i cant shake the thought and FUCK#i lost $400 and im gonna have to pay all that back AND pay a $500 medical bill AND still pay all of rent#but hey! at least i cant pay for food bc my debit card was in the wallet i lost so that money is literally locked in my account 🫠#so that wont get spent! hhhh#and if i get my wallet back tomorrow im going to feel lucky and stupid for feeling this way now#but theres fucking nothing i can do!! and its not like i can help but feel this way!!!!#but god. it feels like I'll be an unhelpable depressed idiot forever. i hate feeling stuck so much.#milo.txt#vent tw#fuck me *running* man. god damn.#i know people love me i know they'd miss me if i were gone i know we mutually deeply care about each other i know i know i know#but come the fuck on milo get it in your head
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#GAH hate not knowing how ppl feel about me#bc i used to be SUPER close friends w this person like they were ~25% of th reason i came back to my uni town after moving away last summer#and i keep texting them like ' hey we should meet up sometime! ' and they respond ' omg YES 100% i have SO much i need to catch you up on !#unfortunately i am out of town every single day. also so busy. '#and like yeah okay college very busy life very crazy. but how are you out of town every single day and also why have you NEVER reached out#and i saw them in person at target and they seemed genuinely pleased to see me! and also said something like#' we gotta hang out i have so much to tell you!! *ill* message *you* ' in a way that seemed to convey guilt at ^^ all that#but then how in the WORLD do you happen to be driving out of town immediately after the one event i know we'll both be going to???#and also casually gracing over the fact i also mentioned getting dinner beforehand??#also i dont know any reason they wouldnt like me unless its one of those ' im autistic and didnt notice you getting fed up w me '#or if theyre just actually that busy or too anxious to see people or anxious to reach out or fucking whatever#and like even when i saw them at target they told me a bunch of stuff that i dont tthink youd say to a random acquaintance#which if they do still like me makes sense! bc we were super duper close once! but doesnt make sense if they dislike me/want me to go away#like UGH just either ask me to hang out or say yes to a hang out or tell me to fuck off already!!!!#oh and ALSO the one time we DID have plans we didnt set an exact time but they texted me at like 11 and said ok we can hang out now until 2#or they texted me at 11 and said ' i work at 2 but i dont think thats gonna be a problem also are you okay w hanging w my roomies too '#and i know their roomies so thats fine but i was like ??? WHAT shouldnt be an issue? r you gonna call off to hang out for more than 3 hrs?#or are you gonna friend break up w me so it wont take 3 hours#anyway i was like uhhh shit we didnt set a time so im actually at a tattoo place like an hour away w my roomie?#so we rescheduled for the next day when uh oh they hung out w someone who was exposed to covid so had to cancel again!#i cant think of a single reason they wouldnt like me except that they never did but we had an activity together so they were stuck w me#and they seemed genuinely happy to see me and also seem upset declining plans but like if thats true what the FUCK is happening????#anyway this was a mile long if you e read this far i love u if you have tips feel free to reply or dm me
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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who up going through trials and/or tribulations rn ⁉️
#i dont know if my hypochondria is just doing its thing or if i genuinely feel like something is very wrong with me!#bc i have so many random symptoms rn and have been in so much pain lately#and if i went to my dr for it i dont think he'd even understand that i have all of these symptoms at once bc its all so much and so random#but the anxiety keeps telling me that im gonna die if i dont fucking go and tell someone whats happening#but even if there isnt something deadly wrong with me i am just in so much pain and its fucking with my life it really needs sorted out#but going to the dr is scary and vulnerable for me and i feel like i always go just to be told they cant find anything#and then i just have to sit around and worry and wonder and wait until they can hopefully figure out something else to help me#and god forbid i start to google anything bc i will go down very bad rabbit holes that arent good for me mentally#lee rambles
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im gonna say something (admit) and no one can Say a Fucking Word Alright.
#the fact that my room was alreasy hard ti skeep in . bc trauma n relationships or wtv i called it#and like ive struggled to keep anything fucking clean im gonna be socreal. its so fucking difficult.#but idk i . theres a small part of me that diesnt wanna clean it bc even tho . ive Wiped the areas#down and like sprayed thw carpet#theres fucking . traces of my cat still all over thst room (inckuding unfortunately piss)#and i sont . idk i know its gross but a part if me is hesitant to ckean my room bx like .#idk . she cant steo in there ans markcher territory or make it Her Soace anymore.#like shes been dead for months and im still finding cat furr everywhere bc i just dint wanna ckean anyrhing i know#shes been#apart fromclike . xlothes and stuff .#for the record i dont actually step foot in my roon n my dokr stays Closed. so i dont axrually .#yea im not vathing in my cats fucking piss or anything. she pissed in there and i hakf assed cleaned it.#i also thibk she pissed in a box and im furious abt that STILL . vitch lwmme play soccer w ur ghost#anyway. i miss her a kot and i thibk im edging sone of thst grief still.#or i acceoted it . idm i nust. it feels Weird . her death still feels weird n how ive jandled ir feels weird#coupled w feelinf her spirit (i think she leaned against my leg one night bc i felt smth heavy n warm#prssed against my calf n i got this vibrsnt image of this white n grey cat rubbinf against a persons leg#it was cartoonish bc my team cannot Not be fucking Funny. but i fwlt like it was her :(#hhhhhh. this year has been so hard . n ik this doesnt Antirely Change Shit#but theres a new moon 30th dec n then some other planetary xhanges thatll make it soon feelclike a new ywar#i genuinely cosnider the switch to sries season the new ywar n then again Birth days bc .#yea i rhink the sun n moon SHOULS be our calendar years but i digress .#hmmm aircon n lights keep doing this weird thibg#HEY id rlly like to know why tberes suddebky so much fuckery w elextricity incmy city#like . Dawg why is there socmany power outages. or better yet: why am j Present fkr so many of tgem / why do i Know ppl#going through them.
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