#just thinking about things. neurodivergence and comorbidity and such

[beemovieerotica]

something that should be taken with a grain of salt are the statistics talking about the high rates of mental illness + neurodivergence among trans people (ocd, bpd, adhd, autism, etc)

I see both sides of the political spectrum taking these studies at face value - conservatives say we're broken, and trans people try to come up with reasons why for example autism + gender dysphoria makes sense and why one of them feeds into another

at the end of the day you have to remember that we're the one category of people on this planet who are legally required to go see a psychiatrist in order to receive non-psychiatric medication and surgeries.

more trans people are in therapy by law than any other demographic of people, and as a result, this captures more comorbidities.

if I had to look at my own family & rates of mental illness?

mom, dad, 2 maternal aunts, maternal grandmother, paternal grandmother, sister, sibling, and me all have OCD.

7/9 of them are cishet, never been to therapy, never diagnosed. 2/9 are trans, required therapy for hormone treatment, and were diagnosed.

you don't have to do any math to just see that the resulting statistics end up intensely skewed.

and we can think back to how autism was virtually never diagnosed more than 50 years ago - ruling out any grandparents being included in statistics - and even my parents' generation (they're in their 60s now) wouldn't have been included either.

I don't think it's to anyone's benefit to accept these studies uncritically. a lot of these things are hereditary and far more prevalent in the overall population than people realize

[c733937-123]

Day 16

So my therapist said that I could have autism and I should be tested for it, so that's fun! Nothing wrong with autism, just have ADHD and a case of "could this be X or just Y". More neurodivergency for me i guess

[azuremist]

Haruka isn’t autistic-coded – he has an intellectual disability (and why that matters)

(AO3 Mirror)

A lot of people in the MILGRAM fandom (especially English-speaking MILGRAM fandom) state that Haruka is autistic-coded, as if it’s fact. Most recognize that Haruka is coded as disabled. (If you didn’t recognize that, I hope this post will help to explain why.) However, to state that he is coded as autistic specifically is incorrect. Haruka is coded as intellectually disabled.

Now, there are likely two things that contribute to this issue. One is the invisibility of intellectual disability as a whole, and another is the fact that a lot of this has to do with things that only someone who speaks Japanese would understand (such as complex vs non-complex words in Japanese).

In this post, I plan to lay out what an intellectual disability is and how it differs from neurodivergencies such as autism or ADHD. After that, I want to discuss the way Haruka speaks and uses words, the symbolism in his MVs, and how this lends to him being coded as intellectually disabled. Finally, I want to discuss why this even matters at all. Because, in truth, viewing Haruka as autistic instead of intellectually disabled leaves the viewer misunderstanding his story in a huge way that seems far too common in English-speaking MILGRAM fandom. So, I hope you listen to what I have to say.

What does it mean to be intellectually disabled?

Confusing autism and intellectual disability (henceforth referred to as ID) is not an issue unique to the MILGRAM fandom. They are quite commonly mistaken for each other, in the same way that autism and ADHD are both commonly mistaken for each other. And for the same reason, too – autism and ID are comorbid. This means that, if someone is autistic, they are more likely to have an ID. For this reason, it makes perfect sense to headcanon Haruka as autistic. I headcanon him as autistic, myself, actually. But, in this post, I’m going to be strictly talking about his coding, not headcanons, and he is very specifically coded with an ID.

So, what’s the difference? In the words of the National Institutes of Health, “Whereas ID is associated with general deficits across developmental domains, ASD is in fact defined by the observation that social communication deficits are particularly impairing.” (Source)

To say this in layman’s terms, autism is primarily characterized by difficulties in social communications. Cognitive abilities in autistic individuals vary, just like with allistic individuals, but the defining features are issues with social interaction and nonverbal communication. Autism by itself effects how effectively one communicates, but not intelligence. On the other hand, ID is a limitation on intellectual functioning, just like the name implies. This causes issues in areas like learning, problem-solving, and abstract reasoning.

A lot of people think ID is a synonym for ‘learning disability’. ‘Learning disability’ is an umbrella term that covers things such as dyslexia and dysgraphia. This isn’t the case. For one thing, ID can be a diagnosis on its own. ID is subdivided into syndromic ID, where intellectual deficits are present with other signs and symptoms, and nonsyndromic ID, where ID is, itself, the diagnosis. Examples of syndromic IDs include fragile X syndrome, and Down syndrome. For another, those with learning disabilities tend to have average to above-average intellectual abilities. Their disorder affects their ability to acquire and process information, but they are still able to learn. In contrast, ID affects the ability to learn at all, as well as affecting development and general function.

ID is a debilitating disorder. Many people with an ID cannot live independently, require help with self-care activities, and have limited communicative abilities. Understanding this – particularly, how ID is often a disability that requires a caregiver – is a key point to understanding Haruka as a character. But that’s to be covered later.

Words

The reason why this is a problem in the English fandom specifically is because the main thing tipping off the viewer to Haruka’s ID is the way that he speaks.

‘Weakness’, Haruka’s first-trial song, is written entirely in INCREDIBLY basic, elementary-level kanji – mostly hiragana and katakana. In fact, his first-trial song is misspelled in a lot of official releases of the song (‘Weekness’), which is a good way to get the same effect across. This is not the case across all platforms, though, for whatever reason. He also writes, in his trial 1 interrogation, with only that elementary-level kanji; often only one-word answers. The only complicated characters he knows are usually ones that mean something along the lines of, “I’m a stupid, idiot child,” which can be assumed to be because that’s what he has heard his whole life.

While I’m unsure if it is ENTIRELY in this basic kanji, his second trial song and interrogation is at least mostly written like this, as well. At this point, Muu is teaching him how to read and write (or, that’s what’s implied), but, even with that one-on-one attention, he is still speaking like a child most of the time to the Japanese ear.

When he’s forced to use or listen to words outside of this elementary-level kanji, he gets audibly confused, as well. In the AVIOT earbud collab, he has the voiceline, “Pairing seems to be in progress,” but, if you listen, he says “pairing” like it’s a question. (“Pair-ing?”) He doesn’t know the word is an English loanword that isn’t often used in everyday conversation, so he’s struggling to say it.

He also struggles when speaking to Es in his interrogations. He tries to say, “I will acknowledge any falsehood or silence,” but the words used are very advanced in Japanese. As such, he struggles with it, repeating, “False-hood? Si-lence?” Multiple similar exchanges happen in his interrogations, with Haruka misunderstanding words Es uses, and stuttering over unfamiliar words. The implication is that Haruka struggles with higher vocabulary or unfamiliar words, and with speaking and communication in general. He apologizes multiple times to Es for struggling, saying that he is not intelligent as an explanation multiple times. Additionally, in his second trial investigation, he talks about how he could never do the same things as everyone around him. When Es calls him stupid, he agrees. Es even states, “You really have no learning ability whatsoever.” When, mind you, having delayed or slowed learning is, like, the symptom of intellectual disability. It’s quite blatant. (Why is this not fandom consensus yet, again?)

Moving on from the point of how Haruka uses words, we can talk about other forms of word-based MILGRAM media. For example: when introducing himself, he says he thinks he’s 17, which implies that he isn’t actually sure. Additionally, there is lots of evidence for his intellectual disability in his interrogation questions:

He considers it impossible to learn another language

His dream is to ‘live normally’

He states he disappointed his father (not inherently an ID-related thing, but also, makes sense with his coding in mind)

Many answers imply that he’s been unable to live his own life, and he doesn’t really have any aspirations outside of being given attention

Finally, we have the lyrics to his songs. Again, on top of being written in very basic kanji, we have lines like the following, which include repeated themes of needing a caregiver (being ‘hopeless’ by himself), not being able to do what others can do, hating how he was born, and struggling to function. (I have bolded examples that I think are especially apt.)

“Why was I born like this? Why does it hurt so much?” / “Why was I born to be me? Why does it hurt so much?”

“Instead you kept calling me “hopeless” / You never called me by my name / You were always comparing me to someone else”

“If I tried and couldn’t say it, you would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”” / “When I tried to understand it, you’ll make that disappointed face again”

“I just wanted to be your good boy” (what did the MILGRAM team want us to think when they included this line? likely that he’s childish or ‘hasn’t grown up’, right?)

“Mommy, look / I’ve done great” (calling her ‘mommy’ instead of ‘mom’ – again, ask what the MILGRAM team wants us to think when they included this)

“If only I could do what anyone else could do”

“It’s enough, I am a “disappointment””

“My life started in a wrong spot”

With regards to his relationship with Muu, he doesn’t understand why Muu using him would be a bad thing, or how she is manipulating him. People with ID tend to have poor judgment, and Haruka not being able to tell the difference and not caring about the difference between negative and positive attention shows this (although his trauma definitely also plays a role).

Finally, we have the trial song titles.

We’ve already discussed how “Weakness” is sometimes alternatively misspelled as “Weekness”, and that is because the title in Japanese is, arguably, misspelled, too. The Japanese title is a play on the phrase jakuniku kyoushoku, which is equivalent to the English phrase, “Survival of the fittest.” More directly, it translates to, “The weak are meat, the strong do eat.” The character for “strong” (kyou) is replaced by “together” (also kyou) – with the implication being that Haruka forgot which version of the word was correct for this situation. This also works to create a pun, of sorts, as this makes the title more like, “The weak are meat, communal eating”, creating an emphasis on the fact that there are more people eating than there are ‘weak people’. There are differing ways to interpret this pun, but one way is to view it as a statement on Haruka’s status as a minority, oppressed (‘eaten’) by the majority.

On the other hand, we have All-Knowing and All-Agony. In Japanese, this song title is Zenchi Zennou, which can be translated as “Omniscient and Omnipotent”, used to describe the Christian God. Once again, we have what we can assume is Haruka misspelling the title, creating a pun. One that is much more on the nose, as the character for “ability” (nou) is replaced with the character for “worry, distress, pain” (also nou).

It seems that the reason why Haruka uses new complicated words (aside from the words meaning “idiot” and the like) in All-Knowing and All-Agony is because Muu is teaching him. It features the more complicated “食” (shoku; food), when we know from Haruka’s 2023 birthday portal that Muu is bringing him meals. It also prominently features Muu’s name, 夢 (yume; dream), which is more complicated, as well.

Imagery

Now, we get on to the non-verbal, more visually-based evidence for Haruka’s ID. Be prepared for a lot more images!

Going back to Muu teaching Haruka how to write: it’s not just clear in his usage of kanji, but also how he writes. Comparing his handwriting, it becomes much easier to read after Trial 2’s start, and his writing is soft and bubbly; much like a teen girl’s writing might be.

All of these improvements are able to be linked back to Muu (both his style of writing and in the more complicated words that he knows), who we know is looking after him. Considering this, it’s pretty clear why he sees her like a maternal figure.

One of the Minigram comics shows the prisoners eating curry udon together. Of the four shown (Amane, Haruka, Shidou and Mahiru), Amane and Haruka are the only two who make messes out of their clothes. Since the other two characters in the comic have active roles, and Haruka has the most passive one, Haruka’s inclusion can be assumed to be because he is the only prisoner aside from the child, Amane, who would make a mess while eating.

Childish themes and imagery are seen scattered throughout his MV, as well, especially his first one. He draws with the skill level of a child, which is a very prevalent motif, and he is shown to sleep with a plushie.

Additionally, he seems to have trouble putting on his clothes. He wears two entirely different socks – not just different colors, but also two different lengths. His pant legs are also two different lengths when he tries to roll them up in his Trial 2 art, and he seems to exclusively wear slip-on shoes up until he befriends Muu (where we can presume that she begins helping him, and even then, they're not done properly).

There are various visual parallels drawn between himself as a child and himself as he is now (for example, the way that his clothes are a mix of his current shirt and the vest he wore as a child in All-Knowing and All-Agony), and he often compares himself to a child wanting praise.

Even the violent acts that Haruka is shown committing are also a sign of an ID. People with IDs tend to have meltdowns, and devolve into fits of violence. The reasons for these meltdowns vary depending on the person, but reasons can include anger / frustration (especially in reaction to not being able to communicate well), sensory overload, and confusion.

You may note that Haruka’s mother reacts the exact wrong way for dealing with these meltdowns. When trying to help someone experiencing a meltdown, especially a violent meltdown, the last thing you want to do is appear frightened. The number one piece of advice everyone gives for helping someone experiencing a meltdown is to remain calm. It’s also not advised to leave the person alone, either, because that sends the message, “I want to avoid you when you feel this way.” (Which I suppose, for a neglectful mother like Haruka’s, would be technically accurate, but still not at all helpful.)

It only makes sense that Haruka’s tantrums continue to get worse and worse.

But after the meltdowns fade, he seems to not understand what he’s done. He’s shown experiencing fear and confusion after he hurts something, even shown as his child self at one point. A major part of IDs is being unable to connect actions to consequences.

Finally, we go onto his body language. Frankly, I considered putting, “Imagine this as a real person doing these things and not an anime boy, and you’ll see my point.” Which is true. But I decided to go a little more in depth.

Swaying is heavily associated with people with IDs. This is, in part, because people with IDs have reduced postural balance, and general body balance. Because of that lack of postural balance, people with IDs tend to slump quite heavily, as well. Both of these traits are shown very obviously with Haruka, in All-Knowing and All-Agony.

In the same MV, he’s also shown biting his nails. Like autistic people, people with IDs stim, and this could also be a version of hand mouthing (repetitive contact between the hands and the mouth / tongue), which is also heavily associated with / often seen in intellectually disabled people. He's also shown doing this in promo art.

So, why does this matter?

Haruka being intellectually disabled is a huge part of his story, and, when taking it into consideration, it changes how one views his story a lot.

Haruka being treated better as a child makes more sense with this framework. He wants to return to when he was a child because his level of intellect then was seen as more ‘normal’. There wasn’t as much obviously ‘wrong’ with him yet. Children are expected to be a little slow, but it’s when they remain that way that many parents begin to become concerned. He yearns for when his mother didn’t know he was disabled, and when she treated him better for that reason.

Haruka being severely neglected / abused by his mother would be awful, no matter what, but him being intellectually disabled makes it so much worse. He needs attention and care from his caregivers even more so than the average child does, because he has trouble even functioning on the day-to-day without help. This is why he thrives under Muu’s care; she is meeting his support needs. Likely not perfectly (she’s just a teenage girl, and she is almost certainly not trained or educated in this regard), but even with the amount of support that she is able to give, Haruka is thriving. He’s more confident, he’s learning how to write, and he’s eating more consistently.

Without that care, he struggles so severely that he melts down regularly, going into fits of violence over the fact that his support needs aren’t being met (on top of all of the other emotional baggage that comes with any child being neglected by their parent). Haruka’s mother continued to ignore these cries for attention, for help, for care… Until it went too far.

The way that Haruka’s story is viewed changes drastically with this information. If Haruka was autistic, it would affect very few of the things that I listed. So much of Haruka's story hinges on specifically his intelligence level, not how he socializes. And do you have any idea how many people I’ve seen say, “He’s a neurodivergent with a shitty mom, but so am I, and I didn’t kill anyone about it”? No. If you are not intellectually disabled, you do not get to compare your experiences as if they are equal. If you don’t have an ID, your experiences cannot be compared in this way.

Haruka has a debilitating disability that requires support which he was not getting. He was experiencing ableist abuse at the hands of his mother, and he didn’t know how to handle it. All of his violence happened during his meltdowns, and his disability makes it harder for him to connect his actions to the consequences, or find alternate ways to solve his problems – this is all extremely important information and context when you’re discussing whether or not his crime is forgivable.

If you still don’t forgive him, that’s alright. But to neglect this aspect of his character is, to be frank, baffling, if you’re trying to participate in the spirit of the series and understand everyone’s crime to the fullest extent. And to make jokes, comparing your own experiences to Haruka’s, since you assume him to be neurodivergent and nothing else, does a huge disservice to his story! And, when it’s done to demean him? It honestly comes off a slight bit ableist.

So, I’d like everyone to keep this information in mind moving forward. Don’t infantilize Haruka for his disability. But do consider this information in your analysis posts, your discussions, and so on. I’d like to see this become common knowledge in the MILGRAM fandom, especially since the idea of him being specifically autistic-coded is so widespread by this point.

Thank you!

[manicpixieyandere]

The Genius Of Not Labeling Jinx

The Messiness Of Labels

Jinx from Arcane is known as the poster girl for borderline personality disorder, but today we wanted to talk about some of the other conditions she has symptoms of (but doesn't necessarily qualify for) and why it was smart to not label her.

Let's go over the different conditions Jinx could have:

Of course first we have BPD. Not gonna spend too much time on this one but she hits all nine of the diagnostic criteria!

Schizophrenia:

Jinx is seen to hallucinate many times in the show. She gets visual hallucinations of her family she has guilt over killing. She experiences overlays of child like drawings. She has auditory hallucinations and delusions as well.

BPD can come with hallucinations and delusions but it tends to more often be auditory hallucinations and delusions of grandeur than anything else. Schizophrenia and bipolar are the conditions more likely to cause the type of psychosis Jinx experiences.

DID/OSDD:

An argument could also be made for Jinx nearing a dissociative disorder. We haven't seen much of the show from the season two trailers, but they do seem to be hinting at Jinx embracing Powder a bit more.

It is common in BPD for the person to believe they are a completely different person than their past self. We think this is well represented in characters like Spinel from Steven Universe or Ashley Graves (Leyley) from The Coffin of Andy and Leyley. This is of course also shown in Jinx with Powder.

But Jinx and Powder's differences go a bit beyond the typical BPD self image issues. Their personalities while similar, are quite different. And instead of Powder staying purely in the past, Jinx switches between the two personalities. You can see her face change to be more soft like Powder in certain scenes. (They quite literally transform her face).

Some other differences are; Jinx is represented by pink, while Powder tends to be blue. Jinx is left handed while Powder is right handed (she uses her left to shoot, right for other stuff). Jinx is the daughter of Silco, Powder is the daughter of Vander. Both are the child of Zaun.

Jinx is of course also known to dissociate in many scenes. (As a side detail we just love how well animated the face acting is).

While Jinx fits BPD best it is also important to note that comorbidity is a real thing. While rare, all three of these conditions can be had at the same time. Personality disorders and dissociative disorders especially tend to be comorbid.

The most likely reason Jinx isn't diagnosed with anything is stigma. Giving a terrorist a mental illness may come off a demonizing. But Jinx is still loved by the neurodivergent community because her symptoms and trauma are treated with care. She's a fun relatable character. But we think another genius reason is because she's all encompassing. Saying she has BPD may make anyone who doesn't have BPD immediately think "oh, well then I won't find her relatable". But in an age where fandom likes relatability and kins the most, you cannot afford that. Instead really any neurodivergent can see themselves in her.

This is both a smart strategy but also just an accurate portrayal of how real life ends up looking. Medical conditions are technically social constructs. That's not to say they aren't real, but that they are labeled by humans. It's a list of behaviors the body or brain executes. But humans are messy! Who's to say one person is gonna nearly fit into that BPD box? Eventually you get to a point where you have someone diagnosed with 10 or so mental conditions! (Hi yes it's us, we have been diagnosed with 10). Humans were not made to fit into boxes. You see this pattern with queer identities all the time as well. The creation of microlabels has greatly helped people categorize and understand themselves, but at the end of the day the most accurate label is: you. You are you. Insert name here is Insert name here.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a mad Jinx kinnie. Here's to hoping season two is just as good as the first one! Still absolutely loving Jinx's new look!

[icethinggigachad]

Stan and Ford and the Different Flavors of Autistic-ness

Ford has that Former Gifted Child thing where his inflated arrogance comes from a place of having to prove himself, but also yeas hes neurodivergent.

(Bugs under a rock. They are so so squishy.)

The way Ford thinks reminds me of Aspie Supremacy in a way.

[Aspie supremacy describes a phenomenon where people who were dx/still identify with the term "aspergers" see themselves as being superior to non-autistics (as well as "other" autistics) where people who have (visibly) lower support needs are "acceptable" enough vs other autistic people who need more support. Of course this is complicated!]

(More thoughts under this cut)

In a less extreme way, you could compare Ford-whose autism doesnt give him the learning disabilities his brother probably does. Autism can be comorbid with many learning disabilities.

They are both autistic but when it comes to school one of them needs more than the other.

Even as Ford doesn't have academic struggles, he clearly struggles socially. He struggles caring for himself, doing basic self care, etc.

Theres a reason we are moving away from "aspergers" and "low and high functioning" because the reality of being autistic is theres lots of areas where someone can need little or no support whereas in another they may have Very high support needs.

Being a nerd might have actually saved him socially in that way since when you are dismissed as a nerdy type, you are kind of expected to be "weird or eccentric" because Thats Just How Smart People Are, and it saved him from having to mask so hard. His natural way of being jibed with a stereotype.

But Stan didnt have that so he had to mask a lot more heavily. A likely reason he was actually less popular than Ford was among their peers. Because Ford met stereotypes and he didnt.

That specific terminology didnt exist yet but I think it could apply to him.

He would see traits he has and think they are Abilities and ways of thinking and that might make him feel a sense of superiority over others. Because thats how he built up his Worth after being ostracized.

They likely didnt have the words for these things: first of all special education didnt exist, awareness about autism and disabilities wasnt so common.

Ford and stan 100% have no idea they are autistic but they feel the experience without the words to describe it.

But i think like. You know, labels like "aspie supremacy" and "former gifted kid syndrome" and also "autism" in general exist they describe the phenomenon that was already There. We just have a term describing it now.

Even now there is a divide between autistic experiences where some autistic people are praised and seen as "gifted" and "good" autistics (Ford in this case) while others are the "bad" autistics (Stan in this example) who are seen as "defiant" and are punished. And also you can be in both situations at different times (I was.)

[tfw-adhd]

hey I think your venn diagrams are great but I was looking through them and got the the autism/adhd/ptsd one and I think there is a big thing missing from it - ptsd (or cptsd) is a *symptom* of autism in a lot of cases, altho ppl don't like to frame it this way bc it requires talking about how often NT ppl traumatize autistic kids regardless of whether they mean to, so imo there should really be something in the empty box of that diagram about sources of trauma being related to autism

Sent Sept ‘22~ (I’m very behind, I know)

Whilst I understand the point you’re trying to make, PTSD isn’t a symptom of Autism. You’re right that Autistic children often end up traumatised due to the way they’re treated, but that’s more of a social link. Autism itself, without the presence of Neurodivergent people being bullied, doesn’t cause PTSD.

I wouldn’t list PTSD as a symptom of Autism for the same reason I wouldn’t list a full fledged Anxiety Disorder as one - Autistic people are a lot more prone to these things and they’re often comorbid, but they’re a completely different diagnosis and not a symptom.

(So no one gets confused by that comparison: Higher than normal levels of anxiety IS a symptom of Autism. However an anxiety disorder is a different diagnosis. While it may be triggered by navigating life as an autistic person, it wouldn’t be symptom, it would just be comorbid.)

[starfishinthedistance]

Why do so many people like...have such an aversion to admitting they might have OCD? Like someone will be talking about OCD symptoms and people will be like "oh I do that but it's because of my autism!" or "oh yeah that's totally me except ADHD lol"

Like...guys I've got news for you.

ASD and ADHD do not cause obsessions or compulsions. They might cause symptoms that look similar (like dependence on routine in ASD or mental hyperactivity in ADHD), but aren't obsessions or compulsions like what's seen in OCD. If you see OCD people describing their inner thought processes and you relate, you can't chalk it up to ASD or ADHD. However ASD and ADHD are highly comorbid with OCD (about 30% for both autism and ADHD), so chances are you just also have OCD. But an autistic or ADHD person without comorbid OCD is not going to have obsessions or compulsions (again, they might have symptoms that resemble them from an outside perspective, but they aren't going to relate to OCD people describing their OCD).

The only other neurodivergencies that can cause obsessions and compulsions are Tourette's and sometimes personality disorders if we're being technical with our definitions (that could be a whole other post because it's complicated).

Like yes there's overlap between neurodivergencies, but they don't cause identical symptoms, and when you look at the internal processing they're easy to tell apart. If you have the exact same internal processing as someone with OCD, chances are you have OCD. There's probably something to be said about recent OCD demonization leading to this aversion, but that can be saved for another time.

Untreated OCD can be really deadly, you aren't going to be able to get better with OCD if you think it's just your autism or ADHD, that's why this is important.

Bottom line is: research whether certain symptoms appear in a disorder before attributing those things to that disorder to avoid misinfo. Because good God this shit has caused a lot of that.

[forrestbrine]

doing this finally (catching up on Auctober)

warning this is a super long post that isn’t really about Minecraft. It’s Auctober!!! I finally found some time to do this so I’m gonna do all of it then try to stay on the schedule:)

Day 1: Autism Plus

I have autism and adhd. I really like touching surfaces that are bumpy or running cloths on my face. It’s just something I’ve always done 💀 I never knew why it gave me such joy until I started researching autism. I’ve known I was ADHD since I was 12 but I always did things that didn’t exactly line up with ADHD, like literally screaming when my friends sung the “we all scream for ice cream” song when we were young and telling my friends obsessively about horses. I struggle a lot with working memory and executive function, but I am working on it every day. :)

Day 2: Infinite

I very much like the infinity symbol more than the puzzle piece. It represents that autism is a lifelong condition; forever and ever, I will always be autistic, not just in my childhood. I also like it because the infinity symbol loops back into itself, to me that represents autism affecting multiple parts of my life, not just in school or work.

day 3: Audhd

hey!!! That’s me !!!! I already talked about it in day 1 a lot :) but autism and adhd are very comorbid. I think the percentage is 30% of autistic people have adhd traits and vice versa. I think that’s neat that there’s a lot of other autistic people who also have adhd and can understand me.

day 4: music

i wear headphones with music playing a lot when im able to. Mostly it is a self-soothing measure for me and a way to block out outside noise. I like that I can control what music I listen to, whether it be sad or happy or loud or quiet.

day 5: verbose

im such a yapper when it comes to my special interests/hyperfixations. It’s weird because very very little people at my school/work want to hear me talk about minecraft lore and history 😭 I could honestly go on for hours. I would love to teach history lessons about stuff too. I love american history.

day 6: Individuals

every person with autism is different. Autism is a developmental disorder and every persons brain is different, hence it affects our brains differently. I really hate when people go “you don’t act like my autistic family member” or “you don’t (insert autistic stereotype here)” because it really shows how little people know about autism. I wish there was more social awareness around the fact that it’s a spectrum and not just totally different “types” of autism.

day 7: neuroscope

I have two friends and they’re both also neurodivergent. I also have online friends and we’re all neurodivergent. I think we attract each other like magnets at this point 😭

day 8: non-speaking

I experience this sometimes, where I have verbal shutdowns. it’s due to stress and overstimulation 😔 thankfully at work a lot of my coworkers know I’m autistic and are very accommodating and understanding :)

day 9: community

I have been in the neurodivergent community for a while, and it has been very nice! A lot of understanding people who just get me. :) I’ve met people with many different ideas, and learned a lot about myself and many other conditions I didn’t know about before. day 10: self advocacy

I’ve had to self advocate for myself in places like school and work to ensure I have an experience that doesn’t totally wipe me out. It’s a tiring process but definitely worth it. I have also advocated for myself online about my specific needs, like blocking things out that may upset or overwhelm me. I used to think that doing things like this was a sign of weakness, but now I understand that I should never be ashamed of doing something that keeps me safe and happy.

day 11: unlearning ableism

when I was about 9-10 years old I was really struggling in school. It was very hard for me to pay attention to topics and schoolwork. I didn’t know what adhd was and my teachers said that I was lazy and choosing not to pay attention. I was called sensitive and forgetful. I never knew why or how these things happened, they just did. It’s been a really hard journey for me to unlearn a lot of the stuff I was told in my childhood, that I was lazy, stupid, gullible, sensitive, a crybaby, etc. After researching things like autism and adhd I understood *why* these things happened, but it didn’t erase the subtle ableism that had been instilled in me. I have been getting better, and being kinder to myself.

day 12: wired differently

my brain is different than a neurotypical person’s brain. All of our brains are different! That’s why autism isn’t some “curable” disorder. It’s from birth and affects us throughout our entire lives. It’s not just one part of our brain, it’s all of the brain that is affected.

ummm that’s it! updates will be soon I think

[woobifykamukura]

ghdsfkjghdsf is that a common thing?

I don't really get how he'd be misdiagnosed anyway; it would need brain scans, especially since it's so rare at his age, and if anything it would have been misdiagnosed as other conditions for a while. Only going off cry-stars here- I have no expertise myself- but she's said that can happen and there was a recent case in Japan where a young guy's dementia was mistaken for depression for ages.

If we doubt Komaeda's FTD it can only be via doubting his honesty imo (but I still think he's telling the truth). I also love seeing analyses of him through the lenses of other disorders as comorbid instead of alternative diagnoses- especially autism, but I've seen interesting takes wrt OCD and BPD too- but canonically I feel like bvFTD, extreme post-traumatic stress and political radicalisation adequately explain his issues.

TO BE FAIR it probably isnt As common as i think it is, i just saw one reddit post thst explicitly claimed the FTD was a misdiagnosis and that it totally makes way more sense for komaeda to have autism and bpd, and a surprisung number of people... agreed? for some reason??

which i need to state for the record a) i am autistic myself and b) have absolutely zero problems with headcanons, even if they arent ones i ascribe to personally

what i DO have a problem with is people erasing canon neurodivergencies and/or erasing traits CENTRAL to a character in order to square-peg-round-hole the headcanon THEY have as the most correct one

"nagito has ftd and was autistic before that?" cool! neat! seeing how those two disorders being comorbid with each other could be really interesting!

"nagito does NOT have ftd, the devs were wrong, they actually wrote an autistic character and didnt realize it" stop talking.

this is very like, misanthropic i guess but after SO MUCH SHIT ive seen it just speaks to an unwillingness to empathize with or relate to anyone that isnt exactly like you. and you cant just headcanon real people around you with Misdiagnosed Autistic (most.... times....) so this pops up in fiction

like. i am autistic! i also have two (2) personality disorders, and neither is bpd. this has led to a non negligible amount of autistic people completely stereotyping my other disorders as evil in order to prop themselves up ("i thought i was a narcissist/sociopath, which wouldve been awful, but really i was just autistic! phew!!" with implicit, sometimes EXPLICIT value judgements being made)

i have had a friend i had in real life, to my face, say he didn't believe i had either personality disorder and really i was secretly just autistic

...if we had been better friends, maybe he would've known me well enough to know that that's almost... comically untrue. lol

so in my opinion there do exist a certain minority of autistic people who see autism as the only neurodivergency that Matters, or at least the one that matters the most. and the only way they can feel any sympathy for anyone else is if they are also autistic

and i know this is a minority! and i just see it a lot because i am an autist in fandom and a lot of other autistic people are also in fandom! AND that this is a mindset prone to ANY minority- most people think their Problem is the Worst Problem, it just... happens. however i am just as irrational and prone to biases as anyone else and ive chosen this as my completely irrelevant hill to die on

that one reddit post made me so goddamn mad bc of All This PLUS its double insulting when someone says "i have a special interest in psychology!" as a way to say theyre extremely knowledgable, and doing genuine analysis with the lens of "i am looking at the text and trying to make an objective diagnosis" and then STILL DO THIS!!! because they have this veneer of "im just a guy asking questions" before diving right into a weirdly consspiratory subset of "everyones an idiot about mental health except for ME"

...which tbf i dont think that about myself. i am very good at writing a wide variety of mental illness due to a combination of research and life experience BUT i could really only tell you like. actual non-surface level FACTS about aspd and to a lesser extent, npd. because thats what i chose to focus on. there are far and away lots more people that know more about me about other things, and im fine wit that

i am however also aware of this extremely hyperspecific social phenominon. and thus it is my burden to bear. my mountainous molehill.

also r/danganronpa just fucking sucks like in general. every time i see a kokichi opinion there i get a little closer to pulling the trigger. i think the real moral here is reddit is garbage and should not be used for anything other than product reviews

(also fwiw i agree w ur personal take at the end, with a lil bit of ocd tendencies that like, started off manageable and nowhere near diagnostic level badness, since things he might do to manage his cycle and even the constant thinking about it are very much reminiscent of obsessions and compulsions. but ftd in of itself can cause ocd symptoms so after that it got... worse. thats my personal take on it ^^)

[earthstellar]

A lot of mini-bots (and quite a few other bots) have what might be considered neurodivergent traits (or have been confirmed as such), and I wonder if certain frame types or classes --or Cybertronians in general-- might have physically type-specific processor structures which allow for greater diversity of thought, and if some frame types or spark types might be more or less likely to have or develop neurodivergent traits

We know the Quintessons fucked with the Well of All Sparks in the Aligned Continuity which had unknown effects, and in IDW 1 given the spark as the core of a person's individual spirit (for lack of any better phrasing), it would make sense for Cybertronian sparks to imbue individual personality etc. while the processors are physical hardware with software flexibility to permit and adapt to those unique aspects of self

For example, in the continuities where spark development influences protoform development and therefore what type of frame a bot might ultimately have, it is still simultaneously possible to alter a frame to some degree with armour changes, mass manipulation, etc. (and in most continuities, alt-modes can be altered as well, to at least some degree within the range of someone's core specs)

But the processor and spark are the two things that generally (although we have seen some exceptions to this) cannot be physically altered without incurring significant damage-- Making them some of the few constant components in a species designed to physically change

Sparks have significant individual variation in terms of the personality etc. that evolves from each unique spark, so perhaps processors have some physical elements designed to best accommodate a certain frame type, while also allowing for individual experiences and perception etc. to form unique thought pathways for each individual -- This would allow for any Quintesson or Functionism-related frame alterations or requirements, while also still enabling a spark to produce a unique person as it forms and as experiences accumulate

Sort of like genetics vs epigenetics in human beings; Some things are physical and structural, but some things are informed by environment, experience, etc.

It's interesting that we do seem to see a lot of mini-bots specifically who might fall into a neurodivergent category or exhibit behaviours or thought process that might reasonably fall under the category, but of course it's not universal so there is still greater variation

Although characterisation varies from series to series, here's a couple examples:

Cliffjumper tends to have impulse control problems that are sometimes similar to ADHD impulse control problems, and he sometimes has difficulty prioritising or hyperfixates on one aspect of a situation, leading him to reach the wrong conclusion or focusing on the slightly wrong thing; He also struggles to manage frustration. This could all be related to something similar to executive dysfunction, as it commonly manifests in humans with ADHD.

Bumblebee seems to be conflict-avoidant to some degree in most continuities, and aside from that being part of his friendly nature and kind disposition, it might also hint at something similar to rejection sensitive dysphoria, or a greater sensitivity and emotional response to perceived interpersonal conflict or perceived failure. Some versions of Bumblebee have particularly struggled when faced with high stakes/high risk of failure scenarios, and he has a tendency to internalise blame, directing it towards himself even when a failure is not necessarily his fault or even truly a failed mission. This is often comorbid with Autism and ADHD in humans, but it can also exist on its own.

It's not just mini-bots; Misfire canonically has ADHD in IDW 1, Geomotus in IDW 2 is Autistic and his neurodivergency is even highlighted by other characters, and so on.

So all of this (and how it might work) varies from continuity to continuity, but I just like thinking about how neurodivergent bots do exist, and how that happens and how it manifests and how it is perceived by others and by society at large is interesting

In IDW 2, neurodivergency seems to be viewed in a more understanding and positive light. But in IDW 1, neurodivergency may be viewed in a more ableist way under the Functionist system, and in the Aligned Continuity, perhaps neurodivergency is seen as a potential indication of Quintesson alteration of the Well or of the individual themselves (this would depend on a bot's age).

We don't have too many details on Cybertronian medicine in general, but it's interesting to think about!

It's 8 AM I'm gonna go have a tea now lol

[liketwoswansinbalance]

Is Rafal an Allegory for Autism and Is He Autistic Himself?

DISCLAIMER: This is just one niche interpretation of the text that points to his being autistic, even if it were not intentionally written into the narrative. I am in no way claiming this interpretation is factual or that it is an absolute or “correct” reading of the text.

Therefore, feel free to disagree with me or add onto this! I will not be offended by opposing viewpoints at all, and it could be fair to say I’m just pathologizing him, if that’s the case, which may be true. I’d also love to hear other takes if anyone agrees with me, or suspects another form of neurodivergence, seeing as comorbidities are possible and one condition doesn’t rule out the existence of another as symptoms alone could themselves be attributed to other causes.

@hyperfixating-chic Thank you for bringing up the idea of Rafal having autism since I had previously suspected it due to some of his (potentially negligible) traits, and discarded the idea. Now, I see it as plausible and your thought about masking definitely helped everything else slot into place!

Currently, I'm straddling the line between:

Is Rafal an unintentional allegory for autism, or beyond that, does he have enough traits for him to actually be autistic?

With him, any traces of autism seem to present themselves in such minor ways that I might just be cherry-picking evidence to fit this particular image of him. Though, his autism could just be higher-functioning anyway. And, while he does have seemingly autistic traits, there could be other, equally plausible reasons for their existence apart from neurodivergence, such as his idiosyncratic personality. And, because he is fictional, we can’t truly be sure.

One side note: The word “autism” could be translated as “selfism,” as the prefix “auto-” means “self,” or it could allude to self-absorption. Yet, not all autistics are selfish and some may only appear “selfish” to others. However, this interpretation of the word happens to work in favor of Rafal’s autism existing, as he is selfish (and does possess a somewhat graceless mode of socializing).

⸻

Evidence for his character being an allegory:

He's central to the order of the world he lives in, to the Schools running, continuing on, to pure utility, but does he have any social value beyond that?

Quick digression: I'm almost tempted to say that the worst thing someone whose opinion Rafal actually cares about could say to him is: “You're useless/purposeless." (And that is what I have him think about, or say at times, to Rhian, but if it were directed toward him, I feel like it would be something he couldn't brush off easily.)

Looking at his “value” and other traits:

He has virtually no relationships and thus, has little social currency apart from his School Master status.

He is viewed as an outsider in a sense by society (partly because of how far above everyone else he stations himself). But, if he didn’t do that as well as threaten punishment so frequently, would he be ridiculed behind closed doors? Even though he was admitted to the Black Rabbit, it was (probably?) because he was respected and feared, not because he was “welcome” in an amicable way, even if he was treated well. How do we know he wasn’t merely tolerated because he had to be, according to social conventions or mandated politeness driven by fear? Albeit, some Nevers probably did actually idolize him.

I believe there was even an assumption by others that he had a purpose for being at the nightclub, that he was there strictly for business, to scout out prospective students, not necessarily because he was there to join the festivities. Though, I may be misremembering.

He is irreverent and a “killjoy” to some, often upsets the status quo on large (leaving the School) and small (the trainwreck at the Snow Ball) scales, and often questions things usually accepted by most. He also doesn’t respect any authority apart from his own. This again is due to his Evil, in-narrative, as Evers are commonly depicted as rule-followers and traditionalists. (Neurotypicals, those who aren’t neurodivergent, generally do not question implicit social rules, even when there is no reason to keep to them or no reason for their existence.)

Rafal might only have been valued for his tangible, quantifiable contributions to society, as both a Never of prodigious talents and as an individual with a high-standing.

That begs the question: what about him as a person?

He is broadly viewed as unlikable.

To play into allegory, he is dehumanized, not necessarily for potential autism, but for his Evil, if it could be seen as a symbol of his autism.

At the start, Rhian, in originally wanting to eradicate Evil from the Woods and reform every soul, inadvertently demonizes him. And so do his students, when they sentence him to prison.

Sometimes, in-world, the Pen dehumanizes him (as well as Rhian) for his position as School Master. It reduces him to his role, strips him of individuality and selfhood because he is one of an indivisible pair, and it views him as replaceable, which, again, relates heavily to utility above all else, in how his sole purpose for being there and having his life preserved is pushing the tales and future forward.

So, while yes, he is respected and valued and held up as an exemplar for what Evil should be, how deeply does others’ approval run? Was anyone in-world willing to vouch for him or defend him as a person, for personal traits, apart from his skills and achievements?

(I’m not trying to suggest this in poor taste, but a real-world example of this phenomenon happening historically is the moral quandary of saving Einstein, who might've been neurodivergent. Einstein’s singular life as a Jew was prioritized over other lives, a plurality, during the Holocaust because he was a genius and therefore, a person of value. And, to generalize, sometimes groups only claim unlikable or "inferior" individuals as one of their own because they can benefit and get ahead from doing so. For instance, a Nazi could rationalize something absurd and say: "Oh, that Jew. He's a personal friend of mine. He's an exception, not like all those others. He's a good guy, and so, I'll help him escape Germany." Any “loyalty” from a member of the in-group is conditional. The moment that person of value crosses a line or becomes useless, it’s “abandon ship!” Or worse, denial: "They were never that great in the first place!")

Initially, to Rafal's students, he was a Folk devil, or their chosen scapegoat, even if their accusations against him proved pretty valid later on with the torture. (So, admittedly, he is deserving of a lot the narrative did to him, and can’t be defended completely.)

In fact, both Rafal’s own students and Vulcan (importantly designated as Rafal’s competition) seemed perfectly happy to see him fall. Thus, we can ask: did he suffer from a case of Tall Poppy Syndrome?

For reference, here’s a definition of the term I’ve pulled from the internet:

“Tall Poppy Syndrome occurs when individuals are attacked, resented, criticized, or cut down due to their achievements and success. The metaphorical ‘tall poppy’ represents someone who stands out from the crowd, excels, and reaches new heights.”

Maybe, he was only ever valued, not for who he was, but for what he could bring into the world.

Even if anyone post-Fall suspected that Rhian was the “Rafal” they saw, maybe they truly didn’t care. They still had a “him” in a sense that must have seemed just as good and serviceable as the original—if, again, they only valued him for the sake of utility.* It probably didn’t matter because no one was suffering from a lack of Evil School Master (yes, just the title, not the name) and likely no one realized they were suffering from a lack of Rafal (and balance). Him as a person probably meant nothing in their eyes, considering how he used and abused them.

So, here we have a figure, who was never that personable to begin with, who only succeeded in further alienating himself from potential allies and friends as stakes rose, who excelled in other areas rather than socially.

Could he have used his sorcery and other preternatural, prodigy-like abilities (considering his mental/physical age, if not his chronological age) to compensate for his ever-present social deficit? Possibly.

*Thus, we might be able to confirm he was always viewed, not for who he was, but for what he could do.

His death was caused by the failure to say the right, emotionally-weighted words in an emotionally-charged situation.

⸻

Evidence for being autistic himself:

His default mode of speaking appears to be deadpan with little intonation and his emotional expression is overall low. He’s also rather impassive and placid compared to other characters as long as he remains in control and isn’t taken by surprise. Thus, I suspected he could have a flat affect (or blunted affect), unless he is deliberately seducing or appealing to another character he intends to manipulate to his own ends.

He has irreverence for existing traditions or established ways of doing things, given how he changed the date of the Snow Ball without warning, without consulting anyone, and with little concern for others because he saw his decision as fit to serve himself.

He seems to have a case of one-track-mind or monotropism when it comes to saving Rhian or attaining power for himself at any cost. His narrowed, obsessive focus tends to center on either Rhian, vengeance, the balance, or gaining control over his immediate surroundings whenever he is incapacitated; he has a need for order and control in everything he approaches. He also has a strong internal sense of justice, however perversely-aligned his may be.

He doesn’t distribute his attention widely, and (once) seemed to love his brother deeply and narrowly. He had no friends outside of Rhian, his twin, which could’ve been a given since the start. He had difficulty maintaining all of his relationships (or situationships) and had a marked lack of interest in forming relationships or friendships with others outside of Rhian because he often cut ties with people like Hook or Midas when he no longer had a practical use for them.

One of the greatest “sins” to some autistic people is lying, and it occurred to me that, a few times over, Rafal never lied. (This statement excludes the few exceptions of his Fala disguise, a thought not completely of his own volition which the Storian may have planted in his mind or implicitly suggested with its illustrations, and his general practice of withholding information.) He just weaponizes shades of the truth, unlike Rhian who did outright lie at times. Rafal instead misled, passively allowing people to believe what they wanted to believe about his moral character (oftentimes in the “fact” that he was trustworthy) without truly affirming their views of him or correcting them, as long as doing so continually worked to his advantage. He let them fall into their own delusions, and used lies of omission, which aren’t technically lies.

Although he is often driven by his selfish, insular nature, like towards the singular pursuit of power and becoming the One in Fall, I also suspected that he's often mind-blind in regards to others, sometimes willfully, if it’s not “errors” in how he processes the world. I would guess that he might experience difficulty in understanding and empathizing with others' perspectives, meaning he has trouble with “Theory of Mind.” As evidence, he uses the “wrong” wording when he attempted to placate Rhian at the climax of Fall before the fratricide scene since he’s not used to consoling or providing others with emotional reassurance or comfort. In addition, he seemed unable or unwilling to sympathize with Rhian’s perceived loss to him when he momentarily appeared to hold the Storian’s favor.

Rafal also strikes me as the type of person to devalue a form of emotional, Ever-like “data” he cannot read. If he does (or ever formerly did) suffer from mind-blindness, I have a theory that, possibly, because he could have begun with the inability to comprehend others' mental states, he found an alternate way to operate in and successfully navigate his world with, to thrive in it, consciously comporting himself as Evil, due to the easy potential overlap in autistic behaviors and being a conventional Never, in a way that was insensitive and cold enough to allow for any kind of social faux pas he could have made to be viewed as intentional on his part, assuming he spent most of his time around others masking his autism (covering up and compensating for deficits so as to be perceived as “normal”) even if such a label probably wouldn’t exist in the Woods. He also seems to dislike or barely tolerate any kind of flagrant sentimentality.

If the above point were true, then he would probably not only lack affective, visible empathy he could feel, imitate, and display through his facial expressions and body language, but also cognitive empathy. And this could be potentially because it would be convenient to him, to disregard and not take into account data that is ostensibly “meaningless” to him. Besides, I think there is a chance he’s taught himself to be persuasive or seductive when he wants to or “has” to be, in order to appeal to his victims. The other general possibility I had in mind was that Rafal could have learned to read people until it became second nature to him, with how he used suggestive manipulation on Aladdin to get the thief to steal back the lamp, proving Rafal consciously knew how predictable and pliable human nature could be.

In total, from what I can tell, he is able to manipulate others exceptionally well and lead them on, and yet, when it comes to actually relating to anyone, he seems to have difficulty understanding their points of view if he doesn't just flat-out disregard them in favor of his always being "right," which brings me to his tenacity, how he seems set in his ways, and leans towards extremes. Rafal seems like an all-or-nothing person, and either commits all the way to a cause, even bringing life-or-death ruminations into his internal monologue, or is apathetic and doesn't care at all.

Perhaps, Rafal suffers from sustained emotional dysregulation during certain plot points. He clearly has an inability to “let things go,” as is common with autism because when he was more than slighted by his mutinous students sending him to Monrovia Prison, his temper flared and he went to an extreme of methodically torturing every last child. And afterward, he continued to hold onto a grudge against that one particular class, until he was in closer contact with them, and gradually began to see himself and how he’d conducted himself as School Master from their perspective, literally in the shoes of the Never student Fala he fabricated.

He often has sharp lines of dialogue and witticisms the reader sees as comedic when his intention probably wasn’t to be, thereby meaning he could be unaware of precisely how he comes across to others, as hyperbolic as he is.

His quick wit and resourcefulness led me to think that he is at least partly a verbal thinker, evinced by the Vulcan shanty he composed and some of his scathing one-liners. Plus, he does muse philosophically on occasion in his narration, about matters like the nature of Evil, villainous purpose, and its role in the Woods, or how villains usually work alone while pirates, as a breed, are known to be more communal.

He also twists others’ words at times, uses the “Exact Phrasing” fairy-tale convention, and exploits loopholes oftentimes. I’m pretty sure he sees language as up to interpretation? E.g., he offers to pay a Man-Wolf his "weight in gold" and then, turns the Man-Wolf into gold to make an example of him, weaponizing literal meaning. Overall, as a reader, I feel as if I must watch out for the true meaning of his dialogue.

His reclusiveness, contrasted with Rhian’s desire for romantic love and companionship, and his general social withdrawal are quite prominent, and those asocial, isolative (or more destructively, “antisocial”) tendencies could, as well as being a preference, function as a coping mechanism. Perhaps, he feels better and overall more regulated whilst alone than in the company of other people, who neither give him peace of mind nor obey him, especially those whose every action he cannot control? And maybe, he needs room to breathe and think, and left the School at the start of Rise to shut out the offending emotional stimulus of Rhian’s words, about how all Evil-doers could be reformed to Good and that Evil lacked purpose. If he was emotionally affected by the brothers’ argument, the Aladdin bet, and the chaotic events of the Snow Ball, maybe he just had to sever himself from it all and leave it behind?

He might have Sensory Processing Disorder, which often accompanies autism. I’m not an expert, but from what I could see, there are hints of Rafal having an aversion to light, such as when, in his internal monologue, he remarks on Rhian's glass castle. Additionally, when he intentionally renovated his School, it was dark and dimly lit.

In the ice classroom, he sat at his desk for days on end, entranced by the mirror he enchanted to view the Doom Room with, like he was watching television, like it was some form of a singular obsession, and he did all that presumably without feeling any bodily discomfort. Thus, it occurred to me that, while this instance could be attributed to his invulnerability/immortality, he might just have trouble with interoception or internal bodily sensation. He rarely seems to sense or acknowledge dehydration, exhaustion, or hunger, and seems ascetic while Rhian is slightly more dependent on creature comforts.

One last qualifying trait could be Rafal’s lack of sensitivity to (external) pain as seen when the Storian slashes his palm open for the oath.

As far as the previous two points go, I’ve been questioning whether his potential difficulty with interoception could coexist at once with the artificially-induced traits of his Storian-bestowed invulnerability that later fades over the course of Fall, rendering him mortal, or conditioning over his lifetime as an Evil-doer, as Evil thematically seems to undergo more pain than Good does throughout the series. Even while vulnerable and mortal in Fall, he manages to walk on his limp, and contends fairly well with his broken leg, despite the pain.

If his invulnerability or his Never status does indeed coexist with his possible interoceptive difficulties, it could mask the deficit of sensation, instead being construed as simple invulnerability or the “mettle” of a tough, stoic, Never soul, as Rhian, who possesses the same invulnerability, reacted more towards the same source of physical pain than Rafal did.

⸻

Counterarguments:

Despite all these signs, anyone could have all or most of these traits in isolation, which still may not add up to a complete diagnosis. Basically, this is not only a matter of totalling up traits. We don’t really know how his brain functions as he is fictional and I would bet that if he were real, he couldn’t be arsed to answer interview questions.

I don’t believe he was intended to be autistic, given the fantasy genre of the series and its vaguely historical time frame, even if all this could form a viable headcanon.

We can't entirely be sure that he has a social deficit, or if his manner and apparent “deficit” are displayed by choice or out of practicality.

The most generous (non-deficient) interpretation we can hand him is that he’s simply out of practice. After all, he almost never associates with social equals, aside from Rhian, whom he doesn’t view as an equal.

⸻

In response to my one of my counterarguments:

Then again, neither was Sherlock Holmes intentionally written as autistic since the diagnosis didn’t exist during the Victorian era and hadn't come about until later in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's lifetime—although many people today conclude that Holmes is indeed autistic and use modern terms to describe him because Doyle based him off of an “eccentric” academic acquaintance, the medical professor Dr. Joseph Bell, who might have been autistic.

In conclusion, I could just be a bit delusional, and this speculation could be far-fetched. Do you think I’m reading too much into whatever may have been intended for Rafal’s character? Could Rafal be autistic, or if not, could his characterization indicate some other type of neurodivergence?

⸻

Thank you for taking the time to read through my thoughts! I’m open to “peer-review.” Anyone?

[rin-and-jade]

Damn it, Back to Square One: A Post about Skill Regression

It's like how that one time you had an interest to practice a cool trick for impressing people, and you're fully committed until it was pulled off perfectly, only to be performed once before its forgotten for a good while.. Yet, when you thought of going back to that well-practiced trick, it barely replicated the results that was from the previous attempt.

How? You perfectly knew how to do it inside your mind, but your hands failed to perform otherwise. Which means being forgetful wasn't the culprit, but to how our brains store these learnt skills--or behaviors. This is an example of skill regression, let's learn more!

TLDR fast pass: AVAILABLE

What was that?!

That setback? - oh, not to shock you with it being a real thing, here's the general definition of it:

"A phenomenon which entails gradual or abrupt loss of previously acquired skills." - PubMed Central

Yikes, um, nevermind. That DOES sound like a shocking problem... but yes, to put it simply, this regression can be regular or abrupt depending on the circumstances that triggers it. Skill regression also can manifest as temporary or permanent loss of any skills, too.

By the way, everyone can experience this type of regression, though for those who are neurodivergent,, they actually risk skill regressing 5x more than a normal person would, double freaking out right now? Save your screams, i haven't said it is doom's day with no cure.

Then why,, why?

im not telling. Just kidding,,

Here's where thing's get complicated.. There's two common neurodivergence, and those two divergence have fully different reasons why a skill regression was triggered. Isn't this wonderful--you're going to read longer than you'd expect now. (Ha! But knowledge is power.) I'll attempt to keep it as concise though;

Those with ADHD, this is why you got setback:

Stress - it can impede how well you perform or think, causing a temporary regression. Tasks that are usually effortless now takes double the amount of effort to achieve the same result.

Unfamiliarity - You might've practiced singing in your own personal home, the unique atmosphere, and audience who resides in that abode feels like a default setting due to exposure and repetition. So, if you were to do it outside in public, or a stage, the sense of anxiety and zero preparation in a different setting causes your brain to simply.. short circuit. It's temporary though.

Executive Dysfunction - because of how it impairs many other processes such as planning, action, memory, and focus,, these impairments can severely impact how you apply the learnt skills to reality. This is a comorbid-related default reason for regression.

Those with Autism, this is why you got setback:

Overstimulation - sensory disruptions and overwhelm can cause an imbalance in cognitive function, it's like how a computer lags from the sheer amount of information and causing all necessary operations to a halt. This is temporary, upon retreating from stressor.

Unpredictability - routine and stability is where people with ASD function at peak, obstacles that got caught up in the way breaks this flow of mind, as if a train had derailed from it's tracks. Depending on if it is solvable or not, it can be temporary or permanent regression.

Inconsistency - Skills need to be practiced, and often require repetition to further ingrain it. Without it, you would have difficulty applying to different contexts or even worse, fail to create a solid neural pathway and decayed. It can vary from temporary or permanent regression.

Other conditions that cause skill regression:

Neurogenerative diseases such as Alzheimer or Parkinson

Brain damage

Psychological disorders such as depression, OCD, Schizophrenia

Nutrient deficiencies that impact brain function

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

The issue complicates even further when you have other conditions, and/or have ADHD and Autism at the same time. This causes higher chances of overlapping and potential stressors that triggers the regression.

How is this system related?

I promise this post is also related to systemhood, but the basics on this phenomenon still has to be taught so you and i are on the same page. This has been sufficient, so let's finally get to the point of this post!

Right, this is where the questions start flooding, "why do alters have different proficiency?" "why are some unaffected, yet others are susceptible?", and other kinds. Let me go straight to the point.

Alters retain different memories, and they don't get to choose what they remember. These memories can be explicit or implicit information:

Implicit - Where actions are unconsciously adapted and performed, needing no conscious awareness or effort. Automatic. E.g. riding a bike, writing, holding cutlery.

Explicit - Where actions require active recall and thinking in order to be performed. Manual. E.g. math multiplication, reading comprehension, speaking (needs vocabulary)

Skill regression can impact two main aspects such as:

Your social skills - how you pronounce, how to start speaking, or how you use the words, or stay engaged in a conversation

Your motor skills - how you do independent actions, how well is your rough and soft skills, or muscle memory

And sometimes, you can have both skills impacted

Which means.. what the part remembers, can also impact different kinds of regression it will be susceptible too. For those who have shared skills but cannot perform as good, or at all, compared to the proficient alter, this regression is natural due to the dissociative element.

Something feels wrong..

What was that? You just had a realization which unintentionally causes you to function worser than ever without the skills returning?

It seems like you learnt to do things when masking. It basically means when you are used to living in a tight little box, and finally got out of it,, it is more difficult to fit in there again which conveys the strain in upkeeping the skills you had learnt previously.

The purpose of masking is to function on a daily basis to avoid conflict or negative experiences,, it can be as simple as conforming to the norm of "eye contact when talking" or alternatively it is how you cope while being unaware of your condition (such as baring uncomfortable textures, thinking everyone feels that way)

Problem here is, because it feels wrong/unaddressed yet it keeps you going, it will take more energy the longer you upkeep these skills in a masked state as the core issue wasn't tackled. This will slowly bring you to a burnout. So when you realize that this isn't the norm, your mind just drops everything on the ground in relief as its silently detrimental to your health, no matter how convinced you it is helpful.

This is a permanent skill regression caused by any kinds of exhaustion.

Things won't go back to normal?!

Sadly... no. Good news is, you can always build a new framework!

Though, you will be immediately greeted with a problem: hypersensitivity.

After realizing and being aware of the situation, the accumulated stress, and any other factors that comes into play,, being overwhelmed would happen in a daily basis when left unaddressed, so make sure to minimize the sensory/emotional stressors and pay attention to any heightened senses. Also incorporate regulation tools, since if emotions were suppressed when masking, unmasking means releasing these pent-up feelings, making emotions more intense than usual.

Burnout is not normal exhaustion too, so refrain from overexerting yourself and implement lots and lots of rest.

From here on, it will be easier to re-learn everything from the start, and specifically in ways that accommodates your needs. It takes plenty of time in order to see results, if you need any help in this aspect, you are always free to reach out to me or search for any resources regarding this.

Another reminder for yourself, this type of skill regression also cause other symptoms such as trouble focusing, poor memory, and overall difficulty in doing regular tasks as it feels taxing.

Last notes

Okay my bad, you must've expected that alters are involved with skill regression due to CDD's--but apparently, it is closer to neurodivergent experiences that manifested in systemhood.

What are your thoughts on this? I was surprised myself, were you too? Let me know what's interesting in this post so far, and other questions you might have!

- j

--

TLDR

What is Skill Regression?

Skill regression is the loss of previously acquired skills, either temporarily or permanently.

More common in neurodivergent individuals (e.g., ADHD, autism).

Causes of Skill Regression:

ADHD:

Stress: Impairs performance.

Unfamiliarity: New settings cause anxiety.

Executive Dysfunction: Affects planning and memory.

Autism:

Overstimulation: Sensory overload disrupts function.

Unpredictability: Routine disruptions cause setbacks.

Inconsistency: Lack of practice leads to skill decay.

Other Conditions That Cause Skill Regression:

Neurodegenerative diseases (Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s)

Brain damage

Psychological disorders (depression, OCD, schizophrenia)

Nutrient deficiencies

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

Skill Regression in Systems:

Alters may have different skill levels due to varied memories and experiences.

Dissociative elements can naturally cause skill regression.

Addressing Skill Regression:

Build new frameworks tailored to your needs.

Minimize stressors and incorporate regulation tools.

Ensure plenty of rest to avoid burnout.

Skill regression is more correlated to neurodivergence which in return affects system experiences, rather than where being a system causes skill regression.

[fountainpenguin]

i know youve mentioned that the dimmadomes have adhd but are there other characters in your fics that are neurodivergent? :0 if that makes sense

It's not usually mentioned in-story, but here are some that have shown up in my writing:

Humans

- You brought up the Dimmadomes having ADHD/OCD comorbidity. They're some of my favorites just in terms of me developing those headcanons somewhat separately for each one of them... starting with Dale, not Dev, actually. But Dev was a logical conclusion afterwards.

Detail I think is cute: Both Dale and Dev like Sims games because they like building nice, organized things that are under their control (Yes, Dev does have a computer in his bedroom and I imagine he uses it mostly for games). Dev likes cleaning and organizing simulators. Dale played a LOT of Sims during the 50 years of frozen time. I like to think Sims was an awakening for teen Dale in terms of same-sex relationships, but he will never, ever tell you that. Come to think of it, there's no way boy x boy manga-loving Dev is not also exploring same-sex relationships through his Sims world. Like father, like son?

Realizing how funny it would be if Doug had ADHD and OCD and that's why he jumps from one business to another and why his dream in "Mooooving Day" is a suburbia of people dressed in identical outfits living in identical houses in many identical rows still has me on the floor. I'm sorry, I just think my realization of that when I'd already headcanoned both Dale and Dev with ADHD/OCD was extremely funny. Big "Wait a minute" lightbulb moment.

Dale has several interesting things we could talk about, and they're discussed in detail in the character profile I'm posting for him next week. On his list are complex PTSD, hypervigilance, and dissociation. He also has misophonia as part of his OCD (and so does Dev).

- My OC Hadley Harrington also has ADHD/OCD comorbidity. Her big thing is hoarding OCD. I discussed it more in her character profile and we saw it in action in "50 Words of Dev and Hazel," where Dev dug through his mom's stuff to rescue an au pair that had been crushed under her hoard.

In that story, Dale told Dev he was allowed to go to a Christmas party with his peers as long as he brought back some of their wrapping paper so Dale could wrap Hadley's present. She actually likes her presents when they're made of scraps because the recycling helps her feel better than paper being wasted, plus she thinks it looks fun in videos, and Dale knows that. Just a little detail I thought was cute.

- Chloe has mild OCD. She sometimes has anxiety attacks and experiences dissociation.

- Timmy and Mikey Munroe are two other characters who have ADHD in my works and I LOVE playing them as foils for each other, with Timmy being less attentive and Mikey being more hyperactive.

- Mikey also has dyslexia (Heavily implied by canon where he struggles with the spelling bee), which is interesting. I am still obsessed that his crush (Sophie Sanders) seems to have dyscalculia. Boy who struggles with words, girl who struggles with numbers, what crimes will they commit?

- Peppy Happy Betty has severe anxiety. In the original version of "Solo" (which was posted and up for a while), she said Sanderson helped her through her self-harm struggles. I later tweaked it so she says she's been scratching herself as I didn't think the original phrasing fit with the rest of my T-rated content (and I didn't want to catch people off guard with it).

Pink and Gray is supposed to delve into her self-harm, which is part of why I plan to raise its rating when it comes off hiatus (and I'll update the tags accordingly). This is one of the stories that I expected to censor most from its original draft, but since I want to raise its rating for other reasons anyway, I'd like to explore her self-harm arc too. Carefully and with proper tags as mentioned. Betty gets into tattoos later as a way to redirect some of those feelings. I... think she has bat (Anti-Fairy) wings tattooed on her back, but I'll have to double check. Pretty sure it's bat wings.

- I'd also like to write Hazel as autistic- I've seen autistic writers talk about the many things they relate to with her and I like their portrayals.

- I've been waffling over making Kevin Crocker neurodivergent because it feels right to me, but I haven't nailed down exactly what I want to do with him. Open to suggestions, but still doing research and trying to find what feels right :)

Non-Humans

Disclaimer - My non-humans have non-human brains; I'm translating a few things from their in-universe diagnoses for clarity.

- Goldie has Harm OCD. Her species (will o' the wisps) are stereotyped as "damsels force drakes into harems" and she has a lot of paranoia regarding that.

Enter Goldie-Poof dubcon arc where Poof feels awful about expressing his relationship concerns to Goldie, knowing she'll panic about them, so he keeps hiding his feelings. "Watch and Learn" was a story where Poof broke up with Goldie, only to take her back almost immediately.

- Anti-Cosmo has bipolar disorder (hand in hand with mania, depression, dissociation, and hypersexuality). Specifically, he has a parallel of it that applies to his specific species- In-universe, he has multiple diagnoses for his condition.

Anti-Fairies refer to him as "having a lightning spirit in his head" (and those he grew up with used they/them pronouns for Anti-Cosmo in his youth because of this, in accordance with Anti-Fairy culture). Fairies diagnose him as "being a Fairy in an Anti-Fairy's body" since his mood changes are arguably similar to those of a drone without pheromone exposure.

In Fairy terms, Anti-Cosmo has divus displacement disorder, which is treated by rubbing pheromones on his face every day. This is referenced again in the sideblog post I'm putting up tomorrow (about pheromones), but Anti-Cosmo throws off a lot of people because he always smells different due to those pheromones. Fairies consider him to have a shifting identity and don't trust him.

- Anti-Cosmo's mother (Anti-Florensa) and brother (Anti-Robin Jr.) have a magical parallel of schizophrenia. His brother experiences hallucinations of the past while his mother has hallucinations about different future timelines.

Anti-Cosmo had a bad falling out with his brother around the time he figured out who he's a reincarnation of (Frayed Knots), as Anti-Robin's struggle to remember who Anti-Cosmo is in this lifetime (and react to him appropriately) strained their relationship.

In Anti-Fairy culture, they're also considered to have their souls entangled with nature spirits and are referred to as they/them by many people (though their enjoyment of being addressed that way fluctuates).

- Foop has dissociative identity disorder. I don't really have anything more to say about it. Lots of trauma going on there. Definitely some PTSD. And again, as an Anti-Fairy, his culture also diagnoses him as having a nature spirit tangled with his soul.

Unfortunately, Foop doesn't get a lot of the help he needs because Anti-Fairies tend to wave his situation off as a genetic condition rather than something trauma-related, seeing as several members of his family tree are also diagnosed with nature spirit conditions. This actually plays into why Foop connects with Fairy culture in a lot of ways (and why he has a pixie therapist, not an Anti-Fairy one).

- I think Poof has a little PTSD too and/or some anxiety, seeing as he had a panic attack at the end of "All I Ever Wanted" when talking about life with Goldie.

- Two characters of mine (a fairy named Rupert Roebeam and a pixie named Walter Keefe) have dysolfactya, which is a parallel of dyslexia I created for the inability to organize scents in your head (Not exactly the easiest thing to live with in a world that relies on pheromones to keep you from wandering into dangerous areas).

- I... usually refer to Longwood's and Poof's lack of interest in preening as a parallel of asexuality for a world where licking necks and faces is a big deal, but it's kind of interesting to think about. In-universe, they'd probably be diagnosed in some medical or psychological way.

Very pre-DSM update vibes, which absolutely fits the time period I have the cloudlands set in. Something akin to "diagnosed with critically low libido" for sure, but for licking.

- H.P. has OCD (Imo, this is implied by the song he sings in the Musical about how he doesn't hate the Fairies and doesn't want to take over, but can't stop himself from doing so because he "must cater" to his urge to be "the world's administrator," not to mention his insistence on 37-year plans).

He hates untidy notes- There are several scenes where he rewrites his entire note page because he doesn't like marks on his notes (including crossed-out words). He also has issues with lying and his athazagoraphobia (fear of being forgotten), leading to the winning combo of making it explicitly clear when he plans to enact a takeover plan. There's a whole thing about how he has to justify his takeovers in terms of "It's their fault for not stopping me; I warned them I'd do it."

H.P. also experienced zoochosis during his time at the Eros Nest (zoo run by Cupid's family), leading to repetitive behaviors with no clear end goal. That probably affects him even now in a PTSD-adjacent way.

There might be characters I didn't mention - I feel like I'm blanking on something Anti-Marigold experiences - but those are the ones that come to mind for FOP 'fics!

[qoldenskies]

I think your canary continuity works so brilliantly because at his core Donnie has chronic "I'm better than everyone else but also there is something so so wrong with me" disease--for lack of a better term because I'm also autistic and I see so much of myself in him, there's a part of him that's like. Yeah, autism isn't the ONLY part of my personality and it's not like it's really a thing to HATE about myself and there are parts of it that I get STOKED about, but it's REALLY fucking inconvenient sometimes and what if I'm genuinely nothing beyond that and what if I'm just a huge burden to everyone around me by FORCING them to change their ways of doing things for me.

And something that would prey on that niggling feeling that he has deep down, the constant fear of not being good enough, the kind of looking over your shoulder and wondering when the big thing that makes people finally get SICK of you is going to happen--I relate to that so much as an autistic person, so holy hell, canary continuity hit hard AND extremely close to home for me.

Love when Donnie whump uses autistic experiences to make it more authentic [gnaws on drywall] I'm so normal about it you guys [rips out my own hair] I'm normal I'm normal

thank you!!! <333

to my knowledge i personally am not autistic, but i have adhd that disabled me pretty severely due to being comorbid with some other issues + i was not treated until i had to drop out of school due to having panic attacks every time i walked into the building (they were legit uncontrollable it was so nasty), so i was definitely trying to really capture that neurodivergent experience, wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, feeling like it's always a matter of time before they get fed up, wondering when they're going to get tired of telling you you're not a burden.... yeagh

^^^ extremely relatable to me as someone he grew up with high emotional needs and overcorrected and closed myself off LMFAO

seeing people say CC hit so close to home/was so effective with them and their experiences is super important to me, and it makes me so glad i wrote it. like i wasnt ever expecting to hit this close emotionally with other people, but it's been kind of amazing :) i hope you can find my work cathartic!!

[kerubimcrepin]

Live-read: The Wheel of Destiny #1, Atcham.

You can find this article on the Dofus MMO’s site, by simply googling it.

Before I begin this post I want to acknowledge multiple things:

On the hierarchy of canonical media, web articles are like... the bottom of the barrel. I already suspected this, but season 4 fully retconning Eva's parents from the lore articles sealed the deal. For this reason, take these as nothing but the sort of canon that will get retconned at the first available opportunity.

I recently found out that the Wheel of Destiny 8, the one about Kerubim, seems to use stolen fanart by Flowerimh, which is sad. I don't know where else to put this, because I don't want to make a separate post about this. Flowerimh isn't even active anymore...

Despite these two things, let us proceed to read this article together:

So, this article happens anywhere from one year to a decade before Joris was born, and at this time, Atcham and Julith were already acquainted and spending free time together.

Spoiler alert: They are searching for Kerubim.

Keke getting called a "precious runt" is on par with the shit Joris gets called. Wonderful. I do wonder why they would search for him in Brakmar. Someone confused him for Atcham? Maybe they asked Kerubim himself, and he didn't want to deal with them, and so, sent them to Brakmar on a wild goose chase?

I will not be asking "what did he do" because, like, Fifi Pretty Calves exists. He has enough enemies to have a price on his head.

I am literally in love with him, and every single way he is described in this part of the text.

"He had a preference for sibilant sounds", "Aw, poor little puppy", "the only reason he hadn't robbed them blind is because he wanted to know more".

He was so excited.... he thought they wanted him (not carnally).... 😢

He takes a lot of pride in his work and insane behaviours.

Atcham considers himself an extraordinary adventurer and a valiant fighter. AND HE ISSSSSS. But it is interesting that besides being a killer for hire, he probably also adventures.

[Taps this meme I made about Kerubim and Atcham once again]

He was so ready to be the one people wanted to kill just once, and they ruined his whole fucking evening.

Imagine this being your day-to-day life, for decades. Just people laughing at you, laughing because you still hadn't caught on that you're the joke, and laughing when you finally understand that, and get upset.

Laughing about you behind your back, to some random stranger, too. Because they still hadn't realized they're literally talking about him.

I think this is a good time to say that I headcanon Atcham as autistic. It is simply a headcanon, but one rooted in the themes of his character. I think it is a fitting conclusion, (albeit, just like my hcs of Joris having ADHD and OCD and Kerubim having comorbid BPD and HPD, very accidental one, on part of the writers).

I could talk for hours on the way neurodivergence, disability, body issues, and violence-as-response-to-abuse intersect in Atcham's character, — or the way he hates everyone preemptively, because he knows that they will probably hurt him, yet still tries to be at least a bit kind and fair to others (....who aren't Kerubim).

I am probably not autistic, — however, I am neurodivergent, and I love & relate to him, so yeah. Always rotating this bingus in my brain.

Imagine this being your whole life.

I read descriptions of Atcham being cool and fast, and all the analysis leaves my brain as I say "awooga hummina hummina".

The fact that nobody ever wed him is literally so unrealistic, like WHAT DO YOU MEAN you don't want the weird, mentally ill, neurodivergent twink.

We never see Atcham's home in Brakmar, but from the description of "tattered", and the way his bed looks in the comic panel I inserted earlier in the post, it is safe to say his home is the definition of "girlrotting". It probably smells. Bad.

Says the woman whose kindness will also be the death of her, — and her ruthlessness too.

Because of her visiting his home so nonchalantly, and their interactions as a whole, I like to view Atcham and Julith as somewhat close friends, — as close as two very emotionally repressed people, who have a huge age difference, and don't like to admit that they feel anything positive, can be.

He probably didn't mourn her, — not after she was presumed dead for ten years, and not after she died for real.

But he probably still thinks about her, once in a while.

[manyminded]

reasons I probably have autism (non exhaustive list, I’m rlly sleepy rn but insomnia is kicking my ass)

special interests - to my understanding, they last longer and the things u r interested in are broader. the poster child for my sp/ins is the osc, a genre, which I have been heavily invested in for over a year. (side note: they feel a lot like hyperfixations, almost identical for me, but sp/ins last way longer. most hyperfixes, for me, last up to [but usually less than] 3 months.)

adhd and autism are comorbidities

while it’s hard to tell if you know me, I definitely struggle with social cues. I can read them well; but presenting them myself is hard. my mom always told me to stop talking to myself, I over share all the time, I ‘talk out of turn’, etc etc

even though I can READ social cues/rules I have a general disregard for them; I tend to think they’re stupid and bad. (one example is I refuse to shave my legs and care very little for skin care)

i was always “a pleasure to have in class”, and while that isn’t usually a sign of autism, I’ll tell you why it could be in me. I never knew what could get me in trouble, and the rsd I have makes me want to avoid that as much as possible - so I become over complacent, afraid to test boundaries and avoiding any slight danger to my “goodie two shoes” life.

almost all of my friends are autistic, or have some other flavor of neurodivergency. we come in packs. we can sniff each other out, man. (side note: in online spaces, I usually end up in primarily autistic communities, almost always on accident. it comes with the overlap of most communities I’m in that, while not inherently linked to autism, have a big portion of their members be autistic.)

A little related to the previous point - I can almost always tell when someone is autistic if I’ve hung out with them like, 2-3 times. It’s not even conscious it’s just an instinct of like “oh hey another of my kin. hello 👋” Yk?

sensory issues. I’ve always been a “texture girl,” especially when it comes to food - I have been a “picky eater” for most of my life (although that has started to lessen over the years.) and while sensory issues aren’t inherently autistic, they are closely linked.

the fact I’m writing this at all, tbh. no neurotypical would do this I don’t think

I always get really fucking mad when ppl are ableist, especially in the context of autism. but maybe that’s the other disabilities talking idk (the memory of kids saying “don’t make jokes about being autistic when you aren’t diagnosed!” and rolling my eyes because Have You Met Me)

tbh creature

there’s probably more but I’m sleepy and mostly writing this to spite my mother bcuz she insists I’m not autistic. for some unknown reason. idk man