#its also like. definitely the trauma
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ill think my love language is like affirmations or some shit until someone asks me to cook a food for them bc they really liked it and suddenly my whole life feels ten million percent better and worthwhile
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Big fat disclaimer I love Stan he’s definitely my favorite of the Stan twins and I have no doubt that he loves both of the kids but in retrospect it’s kind of wild that there was a whole episode where it was established that Stan purposely treats Dipper poorly because he thinks that the way his abusive father raised him was acceptable and correct. And then the onus is put on Dipper, the child, to understand and come to terms with this rather than having Stan ever self-reflect and make an actual effort to change his behavior. Both of those old men projected allllll of their shit onto those poor kids go to theraprism!!
#stan definitely improves as the series goes on but#i feel like this was one of the few times gravity falls was irresponsible with its messaging toward its child audience#also peak 2010s approach to the issue of generational trauma and toxic masculinity#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#dipper pines#the book of bill#thisisnotawebsitedotcom
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my sister and i just yapped for almost three hours and we were just talking about how genuinely weird people in fandom are surrounding characters who have explicit mental illness. like they can never ever be normal. there are characters who are romanticised and glamourised for their mental illness (eren. wanda. joker. kaneki. nico. almost any danganronpa/ddlc character). characters who are consistently ridiculed for their mental illness either because it simply isn’t getting taken seriously (reiner) or because no one takes the character seriously (armin). and there are the characters that get blatantly outright DESPISED for it (basil, harry potter, korra, gale, also eren etc etc). like yes im seeing a correlation but its still so astounding how selective people are about where they draw the line with mental illness and what traits they can accept.
#*like yes this can be about ootp harry but this post is ESPECIALLY about older harry potter from the cursed child#this post was originally gonna be about basil because damn he does not deserve the hate he gets#omori fandom PLEASE stop policing how children react to their own trauma PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEA#theres also definitely a gendered aspect to it cuz yknow for sure that catra wouldve been a poster child if she was a guy#+ annie leonheart & korra & katniss & aubrey & (controversial) akito. ppl like women spiralling into madness without redemption tho. hnm#all these characters need compensation for this its not even funny#disclaimer: this is not a criticism of the way each characters mental illness is depicyed but a criticism of fandom etiquette towards it#omori basil#harry potter#cursed child#aot#attack on titan#reiner braun#eren yeager#armin arlert#wanda maximoff#katniss everdeen#the hunger games#gale hawthorne#legend of korra#avatar korra#dc joker#kaneki ken#danganronpa#tokyo ghoul#nico di angelo#pjo#percy jackson#rewriting#yall when mental illness makes someone who is suffering so insanely a bit unlikeable: 🤯🤯
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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I am at the stage of trauma recovery that feels like reattaching previously dead limbs.
#I keep having this mental image of like. A girl who was sliced clean in two vertically#And one half exists independently as an almost-functional half-girl#And the half-girl looks like a complete girl from certain angles. And bloody raw mess from others.#Trying to live life. Frustrated a lot of the time that she can't do the same stuff as other people can#Because she's only half there!#The other half issss not quite dead but also definitely not attached. Dismembered in a box#Ah you know how it is. You're an opinionated and outspoken child in an abusive home. People are going to chop bits off of you.#And some of what I knew as healing was taking bits out of that box and slowly painfully sewing back on like. Chunks of spleen and lung.#But some of it was really just growing a callous over the gooey parts#Which did stop me from bleeding out! But now i'm on limbs and i'm having to cut through the callouses too.#Piecing the two halves of my head together. Great big ugly seam running right down the middle. Holding it while it heals#Once again. hugely recommend Pete Walker Complex PTSD book#Me Fein#I also recommend everyone who ever wronged you saying: i'm so sorry you were right the whole time.#But I understand i'm in a unique situation.#Its like#Really really really good#Trauma
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i love how werewolves are a metaphor for so many things. queerness. trauma. menstruation. chronic illness. like... its the best fictional creature for a reason
#my post#werewolves#*me saying its the best is a personal opinion youre perfectly valid in thinking otherwise lol#ive been watching a show lately called being human#i tried watching it years ago but i was too young and all the sex and presumably all the blood was too much for me back then#and one of the main characters is a werewolf and his experience. at least in the first season. was resonating with me about trauma#also. i do like the wolf forms of the werewolves in this show! not the best but DEFINITELY not the worst.#if a wolf form is *too* wolf or *too* human its an instant fail#its gotta be a healthy middle ground#the 2nd season is kinda losing me on the metaphor for plot reasons but thats ok lol#my biggest issue is that it made me completely stop liking one of the characters because of how they changed for the worse
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Why did no one tell me that the "chemical imbalance" theory has largely been disproven, that serotonin and dopamine can't cause mental illness on their own? Why have all mental health professionals been pushing this idea as fact? I've always thought the whole BPD diagnosis was bogus, just modern day hysteria slapped onto (mostly) women with complex-PTSD. Almost an official gaslight, like "your trauma wasn't traumatic enough to warrant the PTSD label so we're going to act like your brain is malfunctioning". So I'm not surprised to find all this out.
Can we finally begin a trauma-informed approach toward mainstream mental health shit? Especially mood disorders? Let's not rule chemicals and hormones out entirely, but let's acknowledge that trauma and genes have far stronger ties to mental health.
#obviously genetics are a huge factor too#and socioeconomic status altho i would also consider that under the trauma umbrella??#im starting to wonder whether my meds were really helping me chemically#or if they were giving a placebo affect bc they affected me physically so much at first#like “this feels intense so they must be legit”#and then the belief carried me through being open to therapy and healing etc#definitely pulled me from the edge of suicide#either way they helped me#i wonder if I'd be ok off them now that its been like 6+ years#NONE OF THIS IS ADVICE BTW#personal#tw medical#chronic depression#chronic anxiety#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#cptsd
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That one chef saying that the worst thing about a bad boss is how they unlock that behavior in you and seeing Carmy mirror the attitude of the chef that terrorized him and gave him panic attacks and then ending the season with Syd having a panic attack because of the stress of working with Carmy...diabolical.
#idk if it's a little too on the nose or not (i literally just finished the season so i haven't had time to sit with it) but that whole#element is so interesting (and so devastating). and the ways that mirrors all of Nat's worries about continuing the dysfunction of her#family now that she has a kid...#i also think its a good portrayal of how not addressing your trauma and leaving things to fester can end up hurting other people way more#than it hurts you. like even if Carmy is okay with choosing to not have a life or to be close with anyone (which. debatable) he's#not the only one whose life gets fucked by that. the mess just radiates out until it hits everyone around him and he ends up creating#the same circumstances that caused his dysfunction in the first place.#even if evil joel mchale chef is right (a+ casting btw very punchable face) and carmy needs to ruin his life to be a good chef#--which is a big if--he's actively making the people around him less able to do their jobs. which then makes the people around them#less able. and so on. so in the end it's still net negative. and like. chef terry proves that he's actually completely wrong#the environment in her kitchen is the exact opposite and everyone is operating at an insane level anyway no abuse necessary#this season was definitely the weakest of the 3 but i rly wanna see where they go next. and they better drop the next bit soon bc that was#in no way complete#the bear#the bear season 3#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#the bear spoilers
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Crazy how despite Mikan's love for gory movies and blood, she doesn't do an over the top murder. She doesn't even do a medical themed murder despite it being the main focus of the chapter. (Only one of her victims was a patient and she just strangled her)
Crazy how, when she wants to commit a murder for Junko, she does neck trauma.
That's Yasuke's M.O.
#If I had a nickel for everytime a medical professional killed their classmates via strangulation and neck trauma#For their fucked up girlfriend#I'd have two nickels blah blah you know how the rest goes#Feel like we are getting a look into Junko's 'interests' and I don't know if I like that information#I wonder if they did have a different murder for mikan and scrapped it#Because she has a line in the afterschool mode (that's DEFINITELY not its name but I'm too lazy)#Where she mentions she loves parasites while pulling her crazy in love face#And later in KK we have a nurse that kills people by growing parasites in them#Could be unrelated or it could be a reuse of a early concept of chp3#Mentioned bc it's the only murder that connects like that but again it could be Kodaka using nurse tropes#Also slightly unrelated but does the medical profession just not inspire Junko or what#Bc we all know how weird Mikans execution is but also Yasuke has one in a artbook and????#He gets strapped to a table operated on and then just explodes#That's it no explanation for why he explodes#Junko I thought this was your thing???? Why does it suck so much???#scarposts
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3l!grian is frequently depicted as a tragic figure and sometimes i wonder if we even watched the same series
#like yes he is tragic. every character in the series is tragic but i think hes easily the least tragic of the winners#(except maybe cleo. i have my own thoughts about how cleos victory plays into her core themes and why its not as joyous or triumphant as#cleo the players and the fandom at large make it seem that i will have to make a real post about at some point)#grian dies Laughing. he smiles and calls it a dual victory before the final fight. his last words are “its been amazing.”#to me Grians arc is about how he came in with this sense of mirth. had it ripled away by the reality when his joke gets Scar killed.#and then rediscovers it as he learns that the horror of their circumstances doesn't need to keep him from delight#plus also ive never seen a man more delighted to explode three of his friends#ill also bring up that Martyns lore has Grian involved in the games explicitly to COMBAT the angst#that Grians inherent silliness and joy makes the players less hopeless as they meet their endings#and theres obviously parts of martyns lore i can take or leave but this is one area where Eyes and Ears lines up very well with what actions#the characters take and so im happy to bring it up#unlike other parts such as “limlife pearl and cleo retained more trauma between seasons than any player has before”#which i do directly refute as it doesn't seem to line up with the way the characters act and the story plays out#thats for another post though#my point here is 3l grian was having the time of his life and i think there are some fanon interpretationd that disregard that#which theyre free to do im definitely someone who has ignored canon plenty of times in the past (glances at worm)#but i think this is the sort of thing that makes the canon more interesting and compelling#anyway. um. rambled longer than i meant to there#grian#trafficblr#3rd life#3rd life smp#3lsmp
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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#i have a very strange relationship w this show#like not to trauma dump in the tags but im gonna trauma dump in the tags rn#like i loved this show SO MUCH and its definitely still my top anime#but while it was coming out my grandpa died#like he literally died the day the day the ep where langa accidentally 'comes out' to his mom#and then the show was also something me and my ex bonded over when we first became friends#and then theres ad*m who i Hate with a burning passion#so theres a lot of things stacked against sk8#that being SAID i just went and watched a few clips of it and i was rlly happy and nostalgic??#and i do really miss the sk8 community yall are so sweet#so maybe i will try to reawaken my sk8 hyperfixation#i guess we will see#i also officially start my new job Next Week so thats gonna be a lot but sk8... it calls to me........#long story short: i have some bad associations with the show but i still do love the characters so perhaps i will get back into it#em.talk
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back to self-analyzing what the fucks going on in my brainium
#txt#i need to go back to a therapist methinks#cuz why am i only now reading about OSDD-1a#bc errrmmmmmmm.........................#i know C-PTSD is very comorbid with dissociative disorders#but like given things ive experienced and struggled with its always felt like there's something More going on idk#idk it's like...i can see OSDD CPTSD or even...BPD i guess#but its just like i dont feel like ONE of those fits me its like i relate to a bit of all three#mostly so CPTSD but thats bc DUH I HAVE CPTSD#my lifes been trauma after trauma there's definitely not simply ONE traumatic event that's defined me#also wondering in another area if it's just adhd autism overlap#or maybe i AM autistic afterall just VERY VERY good at masking it or compensating for it#or if i have the same subcategory of Bipolar a former friend had that commonly gets misdiagnosed as the former two#which is likely bc all my blood relatives have gotten diagnosed with a form of bipolar and im not joking#idk man i just wish i knew wtf is wrong with me and how to like...do something about it but like actually#and not just focus on the depression or anxiety because that's CLEARLY NOT HELPING#yes im depressed and severely anxious but dont u think they might have a ROOT CAUSE#i'm definitely convinced and have been for years that they stem from something else#deeper and more of an issue than anyone trying to study wtfs wrong w me has figured out including me
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The more I think of this OP's drawing and description of the i7 anniversary AU, the more I realise that the Au Is literally the i7 boys living their besy lives as their canon self's greatest failures
#its SO FUNNY TO ME#riku is a failed artist but hes fine#sogo is living out his life as his canon selfs trauma but hes fine#tamaki is doing hard work under the sun like dude gardening is NOT easy but hes also fine#iori is a creepy clown which i am STILL laughing about#yamato is a pupeteer with social anxiety (living out his trauma too losnsjw) but hes fine#mitsuki is a musician which hes definitely winning but it IS what his canon self failed in#and nagi just throws knives which technically isnt insulting but hes nagi hes always fine#bamco really went 'how can we insult the boys as much as we can' and these are the results#actually maybe nagis is that he doesnt like his friends that much poor boy#idolish7#fandom spamdom#note's notes#i love this idol medias unhinged aus is what
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*wakes up in a cold sweat* obviously the guardian is an echo of the emperor's claim to being an adventurer bearing the burden of saving a wicked world..... (a pretense/a performance/an experiment to a means to an end)
but i can't stop laughing bc like. Tha. That's the emperor's OC. the dream visitor is his OC that he's shipping with tav. and let me tell you the fic is 300k
#I CANT STOP LAUGHING AT THIS#bg3 spoilers#he made a blorbo he knew you would like....#btw imo the guardian has its own merits in the emperor's ties to humanity / he's puppeting it detached at some story beats yes but#there's definitely more to it. as someone who was also infected with a tadpole and has the trauma of that.#even if it doesn't feel like trauma anymore bc of how illithid processing works like.. he still has intelligent recognition of loss +#isolation etc etc so i definitely entertain the idea that TO SOME EXTENT the guardian does something for him too.#regardless of what you want to argue that 'smth' is its too extensive/cinematic. he could manipulated u in 1000 other ways. instead#he chose t-. 🤺 🤺🤺🤺🤺 hi 🤺🤺🤺🤺 i'm going now#🦑.txt#s: i am still dreaming of kissing your claws
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me: *existing*
my brain: hey heres another fic idea!!! and another!!!! oh wouldn't it be so cool if you wrote this??? wouldn't you LOVE to plan this fic out??? you should definitely plan this one, i promise you don't even have to write it ;) [<- is lying, knows that i'll want to write it even more if i plan it]
#and naturally bc i reread capri and have been reading capri fics that all the ideas im having are capri ideas#apparently my brain has decided there are not nearly enough canon divergent capri fics too bc thats all its throwing at me#mostly marlas-centered which makes sense since that's like#the most common point to diverge from canon in this fandom#though it did also provide me with 2 divergences at the start of the first book#anyway i don't need it to be providing me with ANY NEW IDEAS#we have GOT fics to write!!! we have WIPS!!!!! they need our ATTENTION FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!#but no#no#instead i get 'what if it was theomedes and kastor who died at marlas instead of aleron and auguste?'#a king for a king and a brother for a brother#how would damen react? ;)#an end to the fighting for sure bc if he dies now then akielos will certainly fall#but akielos would also definitely NOT be getting delfeur in this#since they'd be the 'losing' side#and also 'what if damen got amnesia due to the head trauma on the ship to arles?'#'what if damen didn't remember who he was??? what if he had the vague knowledge of his culture and his life but not that he was a prince??'#i should. put my laptop up and try and sleep.#shh ac
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