#it was esp dangerous at the time
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Ben and Lisa and Lisa's devastating pursuit of normal
Ben is on the nose. He's literally named "son," and he acts like adult!performing!Dean, rather than a nuaced 3D person at first. Like Ben doesn't act like a real child. In fact, Ben seems awkwardly, gleefully wrought, like a bad red herring. I mean, a kid loving AC/DC? Leather jacket? Not even Dean liked these things. He aped them from John. Kids from this time are into Spiderman. Ninja-Turtles. Ben is sketched obnoxiously, even by SPN writing standards.
Lisa's weird, impulsive clingy behavior is best explained by either thinking Dean's the father for real or needing him to be, in order to sell a lie to herself. There's some weird stuff about her. Lisa looks loaded, financially wise. There's family money or at least help on the downpayment. She rented a bounce house for a kids' party. That $100-200 even by today's standards. Yikes!
My girl was a young yoga instructor with an unexpected pregnancy...kinda hard to make things work without some help. We know her sister is in the picture, but is she estranged from her parents? The grandparents are nowhere to be seen. Something is off about her family life. There's no Ben-with-grandparents photos. Dean played golf, but not with his father-in-law? Weird. They look like a golf-with-granpa family. That looks like a golf-with-granpa house.
So, taking it further than that, Lisa looks like a gal who knows how to use BC and condoms, and she'd def use that with a rando stranger. Unless she couldn't afford BC, which means... hmm. So, how did she get pregnant? Coykd it have been potentially traumatic? Maybe she knows who the actusl father is. That's what the stammering blood test is about. She needs to convince herself that the real father...isn't. Because it's shameful. She'd rather it be Dean instead. Perhaps? It's an interesting thought.
On a strategical front, even Cas knew to use Claire against Jimmy. Michael would have absolutely jumped into Ben, rather than dig up Adam. Frankly, Dean and Cas erasing Ben's memories when he's a potential vessel would be strategical suicide, dooming Ben to live in a world as a vessel but without any warning/protection about avoiding angelic manipulation.
So that leaves options:
If you say yes, Ben is Dean's kid, you have to then consider that A, Michael is just stupid (unlikely), or B, he's kind and wouldn't use a kid (even more unlikely)
If you say Ben isn't, then either A, Lisa is tragically fixated on Dean (not unusual for cool!girl writing in SPN), B, Lisa is using Dean to cover her own trauma (thematically consistent), or Lisa and Ben were mind-whammied beforehand to fit a particular aesthetic for Dean (ick).
The second scenario looks more likely. I prefer option 2. And furthermore, if we're going to harp on AC/DC and leather jackets being "heritable," that's all Lisa. It's Ben who shares Lisa's tastes. She introduced him to leather jackets and AC/DC, because Lisa also apes what she looks for in a man. If a single weekend was her best after a near decade, and a year with a paranoid was that good for her, something's up with her life. She needs "normal" too much. Tldr; Lisa desperately wanted normal more than even Dean did because her life was already broken.
Maybe she needed a weekend where a man wanted her for her, not for money or whatever. Maybe it was the LACK of lindness in her life that made Dean sooooo special and the "best night of my life" shit is a smokescreen she uses to ward off this truth? Maybe it was she who desperately needed a normal apple pie family life w/o shame. Any man would do so long as they tried to make it work; so long as they were kind; anything to make Lisa appear normal.
That's a good argument as any why Lisa needed to play house so badly.
Being a cool!girl is an act. You put up with shit because you know it's the only way to get table scraps.
Lisa is the superior pretender, and Dean had no idea because he was young and perceived normal folks as "having all their shit together." Lisa's pretending is beaten only by Bela Talbot imho
P.S. Ben's not John's either for same angelic reasons as above. However, he might be Arthur Ketch's.
#well yes i am#lisa has daddy issues too you can't chsnge my mind#i don't think she was in a bela situation#but poor? doing sex work to get agead? yeah i can see that#it was esp dangerous at the time
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What do you think Odile does for a living? She feels teacher like to me. What do you think she would do post canon?
HMMMM THIS IS GOOD QUESTION…
ive seen a lot of people hc her as a teacher / professor so i!! think that suits her pretty well. specifically as someone who studies + specializes in different types of craft (that would be why shes so proficient in multiple craft spells. also how she was able to figure out the loops stuff, AND to find something that could prevent siffrin from looping back).
post canon i am not sure… i am always torn between how the party would handle things post canon. obviously they would keep travelling for a bit, odile alongside her family without the stress of. constant sadness encounters + a king to kill lol. i think maybe she would get to take her time, reeaally get to know vauguardian culture when not within. a crisis. as was her original intention.
eventually. EVENTUALLY. when the family settles down somewhere (i am a “they all get a big house together” believer lol) she would get back into craft stuff. maybe go back into teaching too—surely people would be eager to hire a saviour. especially though i think it would be neat of her to try looking into wish craft etc, as a long forgotten form of craft. to satisfy her own curiosity, for siffrins sake, or just as a way of preserving the countries culture in whatever ways possible.
#asks#ive never gotten to talk about this before#and its a little unrelated to the odile thoughts so im putting it in the tags#but. surely surely. there must be some group out there dedicated to looking into this. suddenly lost island#no one remembers the country ofc. i bet its hard to even think about. probably difficult to dedicate an entire project to#but you also have to imagine. the day the island disappeared. the effect without anyone realizing why#people from the island. vacationers or visiting family etc. going through some sudden spell of amnesia all at once#and their loved ones + family being equally confused#also the fact that? given bambouches (probable) proximity to the island. that many of these cases wouldve popped up there#what did people think was going on. at the time. did they assume it was a disease?? a curse?#and then forget about the entire ordeal a week later#anyway point is. someone mustve found that suspicious. theres gotta be at least one person#which to me means i find it very likely there could be research gone into it. esp esp since the party members knew about. Some island that#isnt there#anyway anyways im rambling way too much#i think odile should look into wish craft. i think siffrin would appreciate it#if not because. it was a piece of him that was Important#but also to impart the actual Dangers of it to. others#am i making sense i dont know#isat spoilers#anyways oops thats not about odile anymore#lol
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i remember seeing someone call tubbo a fully grown adult at 19 (obvs before he turned 20) and i gotta say. i think maybe some people have a really skewed idea of what constitutes as "fully grown". and also what constitutes as properly mature. thinking that at 18/19 (or hell even at 20/21) people are now fully grown and mature is insane to me like yall thats how you get people thinking their life is over at like 23 and that 30 year olds are senior citizens 😭😭 be fr
#this is a problem no matter where you look but i think a lot of ppl in the mcyt fandom esp seem to think once youre-#-considered an adult at all that it automatically means youre fully grown and mature and thats just nooottt really true for most ppl#which i think can lead people down to sort of dangerous paths especially because 'adult' is often defined by age of consent#and theres also some slight cultural differences like even just between the us and the uk where due to 18yr olds being able to drink in-#-the uk (and other places) i think it genuinely causes some dissonance#where i see often in the us that when youre 18/19 youre still treated (id say rightfully) as being rather young and not Truly a grown adult#hence. yk. the term Young Adult#but i think in places where the drinking age is younger it starts causing people to see younger people as more mature#which is also why a lot of predators like to push for the age of consent to be at a younger age like 15 or 16#and why many lolicons try to point at japans age of consent (which for the record is complicated and not as simple as just 'age of consent-#-is 13') as a defense for how they act#because these sorts of milestones (having sex and drinking) are seen as marks of a true adult. which gets into a whole lot of other#complicated things#and often dangerous things and ways of thinking#ANYWAYS . basically 18/19 isnt fully grown 20 is also hardly fully grown itself#and theres ways to combat people infantilizing tubbo and other creators his age without acting like hes actually#fully grown and mature lol. i promise you humans are not fully grown at 20 years old are you kidding me 😭😭😭😭#if youre in your 20s you still have a lot of time and space to grow i promise. do not fall for the idea that your life is done by like 23#idk. im only 18 myself but it just feels insane to me that if i were a creator people would be calling me a fully grown adult#not that im not an adult but i dont think im mature enough to be seen as fully grown and i guess itssss. sad?#to see other people my age think that turning 18 means youre fully grown. just really not true#theres a lot of 30 year olds who still see early 20yr olds as being practically babies we have Not made it to full maturity yet i prommy#mask mews
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I have abs not from working out but from coughing so much all the time for like a decade that I might as well have been doing crunches
#I've been to multiple doctors about the Unending Cough that I've had since i was like 16 and they're all just like idk bro#I've had xrays so probably nothing dangerous. so i just have to deal with the cough forever i guess#it's fine? I'm used to it. annoying mostly. sometimes i do think damn it would be convenient if i didn't cough all the time tho#esp for going to sleep. or in a quiet public place that's the worst#i think it's genuinely gotten worse though bc like#the kids always bring home 7 different colds at once and those linger for me way longer than everyone else#like there's the default cough and the advanced one. colds just make it 2x bad for like a month#and after a month they come home with a brand new cold#but you know what at least it gave me abs as a consolation prize#not like a 6pac to be clear im not ripped its just 11s lol
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im begging people to turn on the post dates for your feed bc sometimes i see ppl rb advice with good intentions but the advice is from 2010-2017 and therefore is WILDLY outdated!!!! and that's not good!!!!!
#personal#like well intentions are one thing#but advice from that time period esp abt very important things like healthcare finances homelessness etc is VERY outdated#as someone who lived thru some of the shit recently that ppl rb this stuff abt#like please please please i am begging#this information/advice is not timeless! nd changes CONSTANTLY#and PLEASE READ THE POSTS CRITICALLY????#i saw someone rb a homelessness advice post recently that suggested hitchhiking to the midwest or south which is TERRIBLE advice-#-if u arent a thin white cis (passing) str8 (passing) able bodied person!!!!#which lbr the ppl most affected by homelesness are queer & trans & mentally/physically ill black & brown ppl#ive seen posts being shared saying that homelessness isn't THAT bad if u just shop cheap - whcih is ALSO not true??????#im harping a little on homelessness bc thats admittedly some of the biggest shit ive seen w/ this issue#but yeah just. please turn on the dates and use criitcal thinking b4 rbing any and all “advice” posts#there Are people out there who write well intentioned advice that is extremely dangerous#there are people out there who wrote advice that was good for when it was posted but not now#there are even ppl out there who write fake advice that is legitimately dangerous for people to do#just. please
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
#phantom hourglass#linebeck#loz#legend of zelda#salty talks#imo the action vs inaction thing feels esp interesting to me when looking at oshus specifically. he and his world are in grave danger#and he knows it and he actively does nothing and even seems reluctant to let ciela and link go ahead and do something.#of course he comes around on it but it's very interesting. has he given up at that point? thats what it suggests to me#that hes like. joined the people of mercay in just lying down and waiting for other people to fix their problems or just. not do anything#otherwise on mercay you have that old guy in the bar who spends the whole game not leaving bc he doesnt want to face his wife#and she never goes to the bar to actually look for him and just talks about it if anything#the guy with the blue tunic talks a lot about linebeck and his ship and almost gives the impression that he really wants to talk to him#but yknow. doesnt. theres the women that tells you about docks being shut down and how linebeck is the only person who's showed up#the woman you see at the broken bridge who's just like oh well! time to wait til someone fixes it.#even the guy fixing the bridge iirc is like well fuck i gotta do it or else oshus is going to bitch at me abt it#everyone seems reluctant to act which makes for an interesting way in how our main crew stands out#it is less so oh theyve been chosen specifically for this its moreso they're the ones who are fucking doing something about this#for their own various reasons some of which are more selfish but theyre still doing something#will likely have more stuff to say when im done but ofc we have other characters in the game who have to do with this#anyways. linebeck is so animated all of the fucking time it's great i dont think theres any other character that moves as much as him#when he's just standing around to talking to link it's great. he's so ready to get going.#it works with him being an anxious mess and also with like. oh he's probably understimulated. you know he's got a nasty case of wanderlust#i can put it with the idea that he's understimulated and afraid to stim in public so he's just constantly moving#he probably drums his fingers on tables bounces his leg when sitting paces around switches the way he sits or lays down often#tbh this kinda fits in with him being one of the main characters who takes action moreso than a lot of other characters#his arc culminates in him taking action he's going after the ghost ship he's moving around the world the only issue is that one of the#actions he takes is running away from his problems literally n metaphorically (tho idk if facing the jolene problem is a good idea for him)
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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Oh that must've been so scary for June, feeling his own organs grow cold because Goodbye was freezing
Can Hello feel the cold through June too? Or does that kind of soulmate feeling not transfer?
Hello can feel it, he just doesn’t have a frame of reference for it! ‘Cold’ felt numb to him, but he’s never felt cold before, so he wasn’t sure how to respond! :)
#ask#so(u)l project#it was TERRIFYING#esp bc they were snowed in#so June and Matt had to drive on very dangerous roads and dig themselves out several times
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He hesitated as the child below him smiled and reached up. His claws rested right above its head and yet it looked delighted to see him. Did it not realize the danger it was in? It grabbed his fur and giggled.
"Puppy!"
...if he was asked, he was simply raising it up to help him infiltrate human settlements better.
#Khan a.#Zoroark Khan#Raised by Zoroarks au#Khan finds Akari in the middle of nowhere and is about to kill her (bc all humans deserve to die in his eyes)#But when she smiles at him he can't do it and decides to take her in and raise her instead#There was something about her looking... Happy to see him that stopped him#(when was the last time anyone was happy to see him?)#(this is bc I thought it'd be funny if Khan raised akari as a Zoroark and then got upset and jealous#When ingo drops the fuck out of the sky and after becoming the warden becomes friendly#the weird feral child running with Zoroarks. He tries to guide her into human behaviors which she finds so INTERESTING#Esp when he decides she's good enough to go into town!!! The town humans are neat and not at all scary like khan had always said#Ingo lies and says she's his daughter. That they had gotten separated during travel. That she had to survive on her own for a time#Which is why she's... Like That. Everyone eats it up. Gives her free stuff. Tells her they're glad she's reunited with her dad.#Akari tells Khan (who's only referred to as 'malice' yet) and Khan gets jealous as FUCK.#That is HIS BABY. HE FOUND HER. HE RAISED HER. SHE'S HIS DAUGHTER. NOT INGO'S!!!#But when he tries to sneak into Jubilife to steal her back? Bring her home? Do something? He's caught and chased out. And the next morning#Things are abuzz with the news that a black Zoroark had tried to break in!! Those things are so dangerous!! Say...#Hadn't the clans mentioned a black Zoroark before?#Akari discovers then (long after befriending ingo and months since she started coming into town) that Khan had told her the truth.#That these people hated Zoroarks. Feared them. But Ingo tells her that the clans have been harassed by them for generations.#That Malice is right but also he's wrong. And Akari decides she's going to show how GOOD Zoroarks are!!! How loving the are to their family#She ends up helping Laventon and Rei with the dex. She is still known as Warden Ingo's Feral Daughter. And everyone wonders and fears#Bc somehow one of the first pokemon she caught was a zorua she keeps in her party ALWAYS. Ingo thinks her wanting to show the good side#of Zoroarks is a good thing. Peace would be beneficial. He's heard hunters in the pearl clan discuss wanting to track down and kill#Every Zoroark and zorua to keep them from hunting the clans. He doesn't want an entire species wiped out!#So there is Ingo and his 'daughter' (who he is genuinely starting to see as his daughter) and then suddenly#One day there is a knock at the door. And ingo opens it to see a young man with a nasty scar GLARING at him#And the first thing he says is 'give me back my child' which makes ingo ???)#There were more tags but Tumblr said 'fuck you that's too many'#TLDR ingo has to lie to Jubilife residents and tell them Khan is his ex and the residents are LIVING for the perceived Family Drama™️
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i'm overwhelmed by the amount of positive comments i got on my latest fic! my heart goes out to all the survivors of sexual abuse, and i'm glad my fic has helped many of you process your own trauma. <3
#personal#i honestly wrote it bc i was feeling quite Bad abt very Old Wounds haha as i am sometimes wont to do#bc of a person/event that reminded me of my abuser#i thought it may resonate with like one or two people but i mainly wrote it for myself#and i am so surprised that so many people have messaged me about it#also kinda sad bc that means they've Not Had A Good Time#however i'm very glad my fiction can provide some sort of relief/catharsis#it's an isolating experience to have very ambivalent feelings abt your own abuse#and to become aware of your own patterns of seeking to repeat it/seeking toxic dynamics that remind you of it#about 6 years have passed since i was last abused in such a way#and while i do get randomly sad about it and while it has affected my psyche in a very significant way#and while i still do get the occasional flashback albeit it is much more rare nowadays#and still do react to certain things quite disproportionately#i have to say it DOES get better#esp if you make a tangible effort to heal#you will get there#and while it is a part of you it is not who you are#and you are capable of living a fulfilled and satisfying life#sexually and otherwise#i used to be so upset about not being a Good Victim#but the best thing i've done is that i have given myself grace and stopped policing/moralising my own experience#(that does not mean allowing myself to engage in repeated self-abuse)#(even if i have slipped a couple of times bc i am human)#i have allowed the space for my toxic fantasies instead of trying to banish them#but i have sought to fill my life with other positive experiences#while not forgetting or erasing the negatives#and while my abuse will always be a part of me it will not prevent me from being happy#also kink has helped a lot as well as writing#but i advise ppl to tread VERY carefully with kink as esp as abuse survivors#it is a slippery slope and it can be dangerous in many ways
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i realized last time i was playing soma that the glitch effects/whirring servo noise when monsters get close is not, in fact, some ambient effect of the monsters themselves but just simons physical reactions to fear (the glitch effect happened while i was climbing over a big gap with no monster in sight and i was like. oh no he’s just scared!) and it makes me so protective of simon it’s unreal. i’m like it’s ok simon. i’ll be brave we’ll get through this. take my hand buddy
#pers#soma lb#i climbed over that gap multiple times bc i kept going the wrong way and when it happened EVERYtime#AND he made a comment at the start like uhmmm this looks dangerous do we have to…and that’s when i realized. simon it’s ok i prommy. ilu#interestingly you do ALSO sometimes get heavy breathing + heartbeat sounds (esp after runninh but also when the monsters are REALLY close)#and the fact that there are both the mechanical (servo whirring) and physical (heartbeat) is jusy fascinatih#the sound design in this game overall is INSANELY good#anyways i’m at another scary part. but it’s ok simon. i’ll get you through this my friend
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honestly i wish i didnt know as much as i do about occultism and spirituality because it is so fucking frustrating to see ppl talk about it and they very obviously do not have the knowledge that i have. like i am so open to being wrong, but i see things that ppl are saying and i'm fairly certain that they just ... do not have the depth of knowledge i do, so they say very ignorant things, or draw lines between things in an incredibly (potentially dangerously) overgeneralized way. and i am just sitting here like "oh you have no clue what you are saying right now, do you? you do not realize what you are saying is unfortunately pretty damn wrong." and i have to back away from the screen bc i do not discuss these things anymore due to the brain being constantly ready to dropkick me straight into a mental health crisis
but christ alive i think anyone who engages with spirituality needs to read up on like. essentially Everything they can get their hands on, even if they do not necessarily agree with the ideas being presented, because that way !! you learn !! and you grow to realize what things are borne out of racism and grossly mystifying other cultures and straight up white supremacy and nazi ideology and encouraging psychotic symptoms that lead to mental health crises !!!
#i hate new age spirituality so much. soooo much. 90% of it is just racism repackaged with a pretty bow on top#and nobody realizes bc they do not know what the fuck they are engaging with :))) what the roots of it all actually is !!!#and i do not necessarily blame them but i am so .... its tiring. and disconcerting. and scary. to see all of it being paraded around#esp when ppl accuse you of being ignorant or cruel for criticising smth that is so fucking dangerous or racist hsdgjkl ARGH ARGH ARGH#just bc they themselves do not realize !! it is dangerous and/or racist!! and they assume you must be wrong to criticise them!!!#sorry im just hgdsgjkl. this drives me crazy. i also hope i dont sound egotistical or high-n-mighty#but i do genuinely know i have more knowledge than the average bear (not difficult to though tbh! u just have to read a lot!!)#because i was so fucking fixated on it and went delving into so many books and pdfs and websites and did my own stuff on my own time#for several years#i was DEEP in this stuff (and boy howdy my mental health suffered for it lmfao me when i lose touch w reality almost entirely !!)#AND OBVIOUSLY. not everyone is going to have the same exps i did when they do spirituality stuff#but . it is very common esp these days. there is a whole label for it lol#ALRIGHT IM DONE RANTING NOW. im going to log off from everything for a good long while today to try to reset my nervous system lmfao#sorry for the public yelling and wailing fsdfjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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will never not be boggling to me that ppl see smoking (tobacco) as more of a red flag/deal breaker than drinking like..?? smoking smells bad and kills u faster..? drinking does that and more.. and actually affects how u treat ppl around u (sometimes). im not saying every1 who drinks is abusive or alcoholic obv im just saying the potential risk for drinking vs. smoking in a partner is.. not even close
#and yes ik smoking is way worse for u like more life threatening physically but. drinking is mentally dangerous which to me is way worse#esp in a potential partner? like bro who.. cares if they smell bad or their already fragile unguaranteed time on earth is 'shorter'#sorry i am about to offend soooo many ppl who drink im sorry. pls like.... contextualize this im not being an extremist lol.#and i'm obviously comparing addicted to cigarettes vs. addicted to alcohol not like 'casual' drinkers
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I think the take-away from my near death experience is that I am simply unkillable
#its either laugh or cry and i choose laugh#i have become extremely cautious since then#in case this post is concerning#i honestly never felt i was in that much danger#i wasnt able to check my skin at the time even though i knew i had hives#only once i had been admitted and set up in the ER did it start to feel severe#esp after i saw my vitals#and looking at it from the ERs point of view#patient walks in after driving three hours in anaphylaxis for two of them#epipen a foot away and unused#HR 144 BP 150/100 and PMH of uncontrolled severe asthma#and also reporting difficulty swallowing and asthma#yeah okay i get it#there was a moment i decided between going into my home after a long drive or restarting the car and driving five min to the ER#thats a crossroads#i had no clue i had a life threatening allergy disorder#i thought i had a nearly gone childhood peanut allergy#good call i suppose#i did get scolded for the epipen tho#heres the mystery to me tho: where did the hypertension come from?#im normally hypotensive#bp technique wasnt ideal but not enough to cause that kind of distortion#anaphylactic shock is supposed to cause hypotension#maybe one of the many medications im on#or a unique feature of mcas#ramble over#although I'll never be done treating my medical records like an interesting puzzle#disability#chronic illness#salt baby talks
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Since taking part in the Tsaritsa’s service, Tartaglia is quite adamantly against being called ‘Ajax’. The name reminds him too much of the person his parents still mourn and wish he was, plus it really doesn’t suit him as much anymore, with the way he’s making his own name for himself. Tartaglia is his preferred form of address, Childe the second. But never Ajax.
#hc; tartaglia#//Only family are allowed to call him such; but even then he still feels quite Uncomfortable every time he hears it#//It’s just not HIM#//Feels almost suffocating; esp if said with warm smiles or worried faces#//ESP the latter#//The people he used to train alongside before he ascended to being a Harbinger all know VERY well never to call him that ever again#//Many learned it the hard way#//Countless other Fatui have just the same#//The less close you are to him; the more the name becomes a reason for things to get Ugly#//Dont worry tho; he’ll give a generous three chances to fuck it up before he starts throwing hands over it#//Its one of the few ways to actually anger him; again esp for someone who isn’t close to him#//Those close to him outside of family who try to use his former name so casually again and again wil end up getting a seriouscold shoulder#//As for family; he holds little hope for them to change#//Not with how they cling to who he used to be and how accustomed they are to referring to him as such#//But he does wish they could refer to him differently#//There is a very SPECIFC reason he’ll actively offer the name for his s/o to know or use tho#//And that’s as a safe word; be it in the bedroom or even in a spar. bc he KNOWS that will catch his attention fast if needed#//He’ll also allow it in times of danger; but he’s not too worried abt that happening that much#//If he’s with someone; they can usually handle themself well to not need him to help; no worries in his part#//But it’s there just in case. only THEN will he make an exception for folks other than fam to say his name#//And only SPECIAL ppl at that
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Can't quite find the words for it but. The Sulkerrrrrrrrr
#almost wrote up a whole ass post and was like. not only is this incoherent it's just sad. EXPLODE 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥#but more and more lately i just feel like i'm starting to crack. not in a dangerous way but like.#in a 'ohhhhhh maybe the. years and years and years of isolation are finally getting to me' way.#but like. what do you even Do about that. esp in my case. too autistic for the world.#i have so many problems. i feel like i'm too far gone. i feel like i'm much more trouble than i'm worth.#anything from being an inconvenience to just. being messy. like. i can't do things AND i have Problems about it.#and i don't wanna subject anyone to my Problems. and i'm scared of intimacy. and i am so Complicated#like. idk idk i also just have such a hard time Being a person. i def feel the most myself i've been#is just. online and through my artwork. my artwork really is the primary way i've been able to connect and feel connected#idk. i've. just never been able to be a person. for various reasons. but even now. i struggle So Much#for maybe different reasons. but i can never Do it. idk...
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