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thebeautyoffanfics · 3 years ago

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Hey! I always loved your writing and you actually inspired me to write some myself so I want to request if it’s alright…

Can I have Hanako x f!reader who doesn’t believe in love (this having to due with her parents never getting along). She says that it’s just a little word people say to make them feel better about themselves and it’s a waste of time.

But she can’t help but fall in love with Hanako and gets on flustered when he’s around but tries to tell herself it’s not love. Oneshot please!

Thank you and feel free to ignore if you want!

hanako x f!reader

a/n: hello hello!! thank you so much for the compliment- that’s really sweet, and it genuinely means the world to me;; but, sure thing! (ahh, the fact that i wrote a rengoku fic about the reader feeling that way not long ago- this is a topic I’m familiar with, so I hope that it makes it turn out even better? haha) thank you so much for requesting, and I hope this turns out alright!!! <333 also, if you ever want to share your writings, do feel free to tag me/let me know somehow! I’m sure they’re amazing, and I’d love to read them, should you be comfortable with it!! :DD

bro i guess this request resonated with me bc i genuinely like,,, went off. So it’s,,, pretty long- i hope that’s alright haanofnaoinf-

warnings: implied parental issues?

word count: 2,363

Love was ridiculous. It was a stupid idea. An overused word, thrown onto any situation in which you felt something other than anger, fear, sadness, or disgust. If something made you even a little happy, you’d claim to love it. If someone showed you basic human decency, you’d claim to love them.

You hated it. It made you feel sick.

It’s not like you could control what everyone else did, you supposed. So, you’d continue on normally. If you didn’t fall in love, then there was no worry about falling out of it- that’s what you figured. That’s what you told yourself. Love wasn’t real in the first place- how could such an overused word hold any true meaning? It was like a 1st grade pinky promise. It was easily broken, as if it held any truth to it when the kids exchanged a deal. No matter how much either part of it trusted the promise, it made it no more real or true.

Yep… love was best put as a 1st grade pinky promise.

Maybe not-

Still, such a strong opinion on love, an unmoving opinion, with your own “proof” to back it up… made it hard when you thought that it may be put to question. You walked near the bathroom, the girls’ bathroom, and heard a girl from your class shout something. You couldn’t tell what, but you did notice her slightly annoyed expression as she left the bathroom.

Ah, the girl who seemed to be constantly head-over-heels for boys- particularly Minamoto-senpai, you had noted. It wasn’t like he’d return the feelings, you figured. It’s not like her “love” was anything more than an obsession.

Still, you figured there must have been some other girl in the bathroom. Yashiro probably had friends- she talked to Aoi a lot. Maybe the school’s princess was teasing her friend. You pushed open the door, noticing that all the stalls were empty. The only other entity in the bathroom was… a floating, slightly-transparent boy. He was laughing, and you went ahead and assumed it was at Yashiro’s annoyance.

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. Honestly, you just needed to pee, but it shouldn’t have surprised you. Little mokke running around the school constantly, weird things happening, a boy in the girls’ bathroom wasn’t life-changing. Or so you figured.

You grumbled, making some comment you weren’t even sure you got, as you stepped into a stall. Not acknowledging him would surely be best. You were fairly new to the school, and it wasn’t like you were insanely fond of public restrooms anyway. You’d never have to see him again. Plus, if he was anything like the other supernaturals, you were sure he’d be a handful. That was your thought process, as you washed your hands, glimpsing up at the mirror hung above the sink- you caught another glimpse at him.

An old uniform. Brown, almost shaggy, hair. His eyes were amber, and rather large- the way he held his hands, you silently compared him to a puppy. Innocent face, playful eyes- almost too alive for a ghost. He turned his head, nearly making eye contact, but you continued to study his appearance. A white… bandage? Sticker? Something- stuck to his face, the kanji for “seal” written in red.

Weird.

“My, you look as if you’ve seen a ghost,” He spoke, bringing a hand to his mouth, as a mischievous smirk came to his face.

A pain in the neck.

Your eyebrows furrowed, as you looked back down, turning off the sink and drying your hands.

“Oh? Gonna pretend you didn’t see me? How cruel,”

Still, you ignored him. He couldn’t be serious. How was he so sure you didn’t simply think you caught something out of the corner of your eye? Was he messing with you, or trying to lighten the mood?

“I don’t think I want to associate with a pervy ghost,” You said, shutting the door behind you. As if right on time, the bell rang, signaling that lunch was over. With that, you made your way to class, hoping to not have to deal with any more paranormal things.

…

Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned. As the rest of the day took it’s sweet time to pass, you sat, spacing out as you thought about that boy. He was one of the first humanoid supernaturals you had seen at the school- honestly, you half-hoped that all of them were cute little bunnies. Not… strangely eye-catching boys… how weird.

You sighed, clicking your pen, letting the quiet sound drown the teacher’s ramblings out a bit. Ca-click, click-click, ca-click, click-click.

“Y’know, people find that little sound annoying sometimes. It never bothered me, but teachers seem to be so sensitive about it.”

Jumping, you turned your head a bit, only to be practically nose-to-nose with the boy from the bathroom. Your heartbeat increased from the surprise, but you placed your hand on your chin, pretending to not have seen anything. Not only did you not want to give him much of your time or energy, but you definitely didn’t want to attract negative attention from the normal kids around you. Your eyes scanned the room, and you noticed Yashiro looking in your direction, most likely at the boy. Yes, she definitely saw him too.

“Waaah, Yashirooooo, the new girl’s totally ignoring me!” He sighed, floating over to her. She looked away as well, focusing intensely on whatever the teacher had to say. You weren’t even sure by this point, watching the two out of the corner of your eye. You stopped clicking your pen, watching as he stood behind Yashiro, leaning against her as he peered at her notes.

He glanced at you again, and you looked away. The boy, who you were now curious as to what his name could be, floated back over to your desk, glancing at your notes.

“You really aren’t paying attention, huh! Yashiro’s not much better- her page is mainly doodles. How on earth do you plan to pass like this, haha?”

You glared at him slightly, before lifting your pen, and clicking it open. Annoyed, you flipped to another page, and scribbled something down. He leaned forward a bit, looking at whatever it is you wrote.

“Leave me alone, toilet boy.”

He laughed, patting your back. “Toilet boy? What’s with all the insults, I barely know youuuuuu- plus, I have a name. I’m Hanako. School Mystery Number 7, Hanako-san of the toilet! Not ‘toilet boy’, nor a pervy ghost.”

You raised your eyebrows, writing once more.

“Wonderful. Now leave me alone, ‘Hanako-san of the toilet’.”

Days passed, and he certainly didn’t leave you alone. In fact, you grew to find yourself spending more time than you expected to with him. You assisted with supernaturals from time to time, even meeting his two other friends properly- Kou Minamoto and Yashiro Nene. You all slowly, but surely, became friends.

“I’m done wiping the mirrors,” You said, tossing the dirty rag into the bucket.

“I’m done mopping!” Yashiro exclaimed, sighing as she leaned against the mop.

“I’ve finished dusting too,” Kou added.

Hanako nodded, clapping cheerfully. “Great job, everyone! Can’t wait to see the same enthusiasm tomorrow!!”

The three of you collectively groaned, rolling your eyes. “Yes, yes, just like that,” Hanako laughed, moving his legs to sit in the air in a criss-cross fashion. Light conversation picked up, Kou talking to Yashiro, and Hanako throwing in a comment every so often. You stood, leaning against the sink, watching your friends look so happy. Hanako glanced at you, closing his eyes as he grinned.

Your heart rate picked up, and you felt your face grow warm. Your eyebrows furrowed just slightly, as you glanced away. It wasn’t the first time a little action like that made your heart go haywire. Not just your heart- your stomach, your legs, your arms. The moment Hanako grinned at you, hugged you, or emptily flirted, you felt as though you lost the ability to function. It couldn’t be love… no, you didn’t want to fall in love.

“Right, but it's getting late, guys. I should really head home,” Yashiro spoke, putting the mop up as she did so. Kou nodded, glancing over at the clock. “I’ve got to get home and work on dinner,” He said, putting the duster away, and grabbing his things.

Hanako glanced at you.

“I don’t really have any plans. I finished homework in class, so I think I’ll linger around for a bit more.”

“Alright! Be safe when you head home, (Y/N)! I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Yashiro spoke, waving as she left the room. “Bye guys! Be safe!” Kou added, leaving not long after she did. Silence filled the room for a moment, the only thing breaking it being the sound of your shoes as you made your way to the window seal. Taking a seat, you looked at Hanako expectantly.

“Well? Any more stories of the things I missed out on?”

...

“The Confession Tree?” You questioned, the other two humans long gone by now, leaving Hanako to recount to you previous adventures they had gone on.

“Yep! Yashiro and I took care of that one- it was honestly easier than most of them were. He’s still around, just nothing bigger than one of those pre-cut broccolis. The rumor was, you’d confess under him, and he’d make the feelings mutual~, buuut, it obviously got way out of control.”

“That’s so stupid.”

Hanako raised his eyebrows, not expecting such a distasteful tone of voice. “What is?”

“A supernatural forcing some kids to ‘fall in love’,” You made air quotes, before continuing, “it’s pretty gross. Love’s nothing more than some overused word. It’s tagged onto everything, and it’s basically used to make you feel better. It’s all a waste.”

For once, he was silent. Several questions began to circulate in his mind, but a part of him was… somewhat hurt.

“But what if I love you?” He questioned, tilting his head. His face felt warm, but he tried to steady his heartbeat. It wasn’t a direct confession. No, just a question. A ‘what if.’

You blinked, your face feeling warm. You understood- of course, it was nothing more than a ‘what if.’ “It wouldn’t be love. You’d be interested in me, only for the interest to go away eventually- even if it took a week. Even if it took years. Just… trust me, Hanako. I’m not the smartest person in the world, but- once you see it happen to the two people who are supposed to be there for you forever, you get the memo. It isn’t love. Never was, never will be.”

Those words you spoke… you didn’t like the fact that you questioned their sincerity. Especially when you were blushing, the boy who made you question those words looking at you with his big, rather beautiful eyes. “Or… that’s… what I think,” You added, the heat rising to your face only making you feel worse, as he blinked. His undivided attention on you- on what you said- made your heart beat much faster than you wished it would.

And suddenly, he was closer. Too close. Way too close. His eyes began to shut, as his face drew closer to yours. Your heart began to beat quicker than it had before- your face grew hotter than it already was- your eyes widened, as you silently questioned what on earth he was going.

One of his hands grabbed your wrist, and you looked over at your arm he was holding, then back up at him. His face was still close, so close you were sure you’d smell him if he still had a scent. So close he could probably feel the heat radiating off of your face, if he could still distinguish hot from cold.

“Then why is your heart beating so fast?” He finally questioned, thumb pressed against your radial artery, as if the warmth of your face wasn’t enough of a sign.

“Because- you’re… way too close.”

“But you aren’t pushing me away? I’ll scoot back if you want. I’m not a mind reader though, so just use your words.”

Your mouth felt dry. Why weren’t you saying anything? You could speak. Open your mouth and tell him to move. Take your free hand and shove him.

But… a part of you didn’t want him to move.

Hanako smiled once more, his eyebrows drawn together slightly, as if he were saddened by something. “I’m sorry that you were dealt a hand like that in life. It’s easy to look around and find all the negatives in life. But,” He leaned forward a bit more, nose nearly touching yours, “you aren’t your parents. You don’t need to follow in their footsteps. Don’t let their problems influence you so heavily to where you miss out on potentially great things. It’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to be scared. But it’s still your life, not theirs. If everyone’s overuse of it bothers you, then only say it when you mean it. Still, if you feel love, embrace it.”

Your eyes felt slightly prickly, as they watered up a bit. His sincerity… your racing heart. Maybe, just maybe… you were in love.

“I… think I love you, Hanako,” You muttered. You were scared. You were scared that he’d tell you he was joking- or that maybe this wasn’t love. Scared of so many things, stemming from one little word. Yet, you tried to embrace it.

“I love you, (Y/N). And nothing will change that,” He said, his smile widening. Quickly, he closed his eyes, closing the distance between the two of you. His lips were… cold. His touch was the only thing that reminded you that he wasn’t alive. Still, the warmth of his words made up for it, as you closed your eyes into the kiss.

His encouragement wouldn’t drown out the fear completely. He couldn’t take the memories away. But he tried… he told you that he loved you, so… you’d believe him. After all, you hadn’t heard him overusing the word. It only made that moment feel that much more genuine.

#anon #request #x reader #f!reader #x f!reader #oneshot #tbhk #jshk #toilet bound hanako kun #jibaku shounen hanako kun #hanako #tbhk x reader #jshk x reader #toilet bound hanako kun x reader #jibaku shounen hanako kun x reader #hanako x reader #amane yugi x reader

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mulletcal · 5 years ago

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if my heart had a voice - a (bi/aro) calum hood blurb.

a/n: okay so i’ve had this idea in my brain for so, so long and i had hesitated a lot writing it but i’d like to give a special thank you to: @frontmanash, @softbabiestan, @sexgodashton, @goth5sos, and @irwinkitten for giving me motivation and being so sweet while i wrote this, i appreciate all of you so, so much you have no idea.

this is my first time writing something like this, so i hope you enjoy. it’s a genderless reader insert!

word count: 2.6k

warnings: struggles with romantic orientation, mentions of smut but no actual smut.

---

Friends with benefits - it’s something that sounds easy in theory, but movies and TV shows would lead you to believe otherwise. Complicated was a word that was often associated with it as well, stating that no two people could simply have sex, that feelings would always end up involved.

That wasn’t the case for Calum, well, not really. He had met you, and the two of you hit it off right away. You talked into all hours of the night until the sun came up about anything and everything; he felt heard, he felt appreciated, he realistically felt what most people would deem as a crush, or romantic attraction. Calum couldn’t bring himself to call it that though, because that’s not how it seemed to him. It felt natural when the two of you fell into bed together, a tangle of limbs and breathy moans, but he never was drawn to the idea of asking you to be his partner. You never seemed to mind either, which Calum was grateful for; he had so many questions that constantly circulated through his mind, he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a conversation about why he didn’t want more with you.

Calum’s racing thoughts seemed to never cease, a constant question of why didn’t he want more with you; or simply why he never wanted more with anyone. His last relationship ended because what he thought was love turned out to be nothing more than just a physical attraction, lips never parted long enough to sort out emotions before it was too late. Love had been uttered in a fruitless attempt to keep her around long enough to hopefully truly feel something, but it never worked.

Another Saturday night rolled around, and the two of you had started a movie you never saw the end of, too distracted with exploring each others’ bodies. Seeing you lie next to him, chest heaving with a small smile on your face brought a smile to his own lips, admiring you basking in the glow from the TV screen. Calum often wondered what you were like around your other friends, if you made them laugh as hard as he did, or would also text them in the middle of the night with a random thought or meme. Panic crept up on him at the thought, suddenly fully aware that he could be caught up in some sort of TV trope - did you have romantic feelings for him? Was there a possibility of losing you forever if he didn’t reciprocate the feelings?

His mind couldn’t settle that night, tossing and turning, mind racing at the thought of losing you. Would he lose you? Banished to a new level of weird and uncomfortable - running into someone in public who you know has seen you naked, or even more seen your face when you’re about to fall over the edge.

Morning came much too soon, and Calum sighed, glancing over to you as the sun came streaming in through the curtains and casting you in some sort of ethereal glow. Maybe if he went to make some breakfast rather than staring at you it could help to clear his head. It wasn’t often that you decided to stay for breakfast, but he hoped that sharing a warm meal together would encourage him or sway him one way or the other - to talk to you, or maybe feel something more romantic towards you.

Stretching as you came into the kitchen, you smiled at the sight of Calum there flipping pancakes, “Eating for two, are you? Calum, is there something you’re not telling me?” You faked a gasp, laughing lightly. He swatted at you with the spatula, just barely missing you.

Calum knew you could sense something off with him, just by the way you carried yourself about the kitchen, taking a seat at the island. Your movements were gentle, calculated, as if one small thing could set him off - not that had ever happened, but you were walking on eggshells and he knew he needed to say something.

The two of you ate in silence for the first few minutes, Calum glancing up at you to make sure that you were enjoying the food alright.

“Can I ask you something?” Calum had stopped eating, a serious expression on his face, causing you to put your fork down.

“I was going to pull the old ‘you just did’ bit but it doesn’t seem like the time for that,” you chuckled, tucking your chair in so you could lean your chin on your hand. “What’s up?”

“What’s wrong with me?” He asked, worrying his lower lip between his teeth.

You furrowed your brow, slightly confused, “I’m not following.”

“Like… I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I broke up with my last girlfriend because while I felt a connection and we got along great, the… romance just wasn’t there? I’ve gone on dates, and there’s nothing. I thought it was just that I was going on shitty dates, but then I met you - you have all the qualities I could want in a partner, and clearly I’m attracted to you; but I don’t find myself wanting to be involved… romantically?” Calum was playing with his fingers, not meeting your eyes. “I hope that doesn’t hurt you.”

You laughed lightly, reaching across to take his hand in your own to stop the wringing of his hands, “Calum I’m not offended, not in the slightest. What we have going on is good, but I understand if you want to stop that too.”

“I don’t-” He said quickly, laughing as he scratched the back of his head. “I feel like it sounds like such a stereotypical dude thing to say that I’m cool with continuing to have sex with no emotional attachment. Not that I don’t feel anything towards you, I just-”

“Calum, I get it,” You grinned. “I hope you know I wasn’t here looking for love, yeah? Me and you get on great, and the sex is great. But if I wanted a boyfriend, I would have told you from the start, I promise.” Your reassuring words had Calum letting out a breath he wasn’t aware that he was holding, squeezing your hand that was still in his.

“I just feel like I’m… Cold, I guess? For not wanting more?”

“Love, you’re the least cold person I know. You’re so genuine and kind, and you have so much love for your friends and family. You’re so cuddly, always down to hold hands, or just hold someone if they need to be held. It’d be different if you didn’t show you care, but you do in the ways that matter.”

Your answer seemed to be good enough for Calum, because he went back to eating with a small smile on his lips.

It helped to ease Calum’s worry that he was going to lose you because of how he felt, but the lingering question in the back of his head ate away at him of why he felt the way he did; also, why it was just bothering him now. So, when you left, he did what any millennial would think to do: he Googled it.

He wasn’t sure what to search for at first - it wasn’t something like an ache or pain in his body where you could look up ‘shoulder pain’ and find out you only had 4 days to live. It seemed much more complicated, to put into words how he felt; but he ended up settling on ‘lack of romantic attraction’, and he was shocked to find that it was, indeed, a thing. Calum had learned within minutes of his Google search that this wasn’t just a ‘one or the other’ kind of thing, but that there was a whole variety of people. It made his chest warm to read blog posts of people coming to terms with their romantic orientation, seeing how many had struggles similar to his own. The term ‘Aromantic’ seemed the most fitting to him, and he liked the idea that maybe one day romance could happen, but if it never did he wasn’t weird for wanting the physical only.

It was a few after Calum had come to his realization about his orientation overall, and he found himself as he usually did - in his backyard with Ashton, a couple cups of coffee deep while they both scribbled into their songwriting notebooks. He knew that none of his friends would judge him, they may be a little confused because no one in their group had “different” romantic orientations - they simply assumed they’d end up with a partner one way or another.

Ashton had been in the middle of a thought when Calum interrupted, “Hey Ash?”

Ashton furrowed his brows, eyes lifting from the page to look at his friend, “Yeah?”

“You ever heard of the term ‘aromantic’?”

“I don’t believe so, why?” Ashton placed his pen inside his book, closing it to give Calum his full attention.

“I’ve been kinda struggling a lot lately, doin’ a lot of self reflection and all that,” He started, letting out a heavy breath before he continued, “It seems like a term that really resonates with me.”

Calum couldn’t really read the expression on Ashton’s face, instead being met with the man’s furrowed brow and fingers lightly drumming on the cool metal of the table.

“What does it mean?” Ashton was now leaning on his elbows, more engaged in the conversation.

“In like… Simpler terms, it mainly just means lack of romantic attraction.” Ashton’s face read a little confused, but Calum carried on anyway, “I’ve learnt in the last few days that there’s a difference in sexual orientation and romantic orientation. With my last girlfriend, I thought I loved her, but it was more about the sex than anything. I d’know if it really sums me up, but you know my whole friends with benefits scenario. I thought it would make sense for me to fall in love with them.”

“But you haven’t? Fallen in love with them, I mean.”

“No, which is what led me to this point to begin with. If I were to make a list of everything I’d want in a partner, they would check all the boxes. I do care for them, deeply and genuinely, but it’s not in a romantic sense - more of a ‘you’re one of my best friends in the whole world, and sometimes we fuck’.” Calum hadn’t realized how red he had gotten, but it definitely made him fan himself as he let out a small chuckle, “I’m sorry, that was… A lot of information.”

When Ashton broke out into his signature grin, Calum couldn’t help but to mirror it with his own grin, “Well brother, you know I love you and support you no matter what you choose to do. I told you I’d help you hide a body, but I do hope it never comes to that point. Just don’t be an asshole and I’m always here for you.”

Calum laughed again, rubbing a hand over his face, “That made me so fucking nervous man. When I was thinking about it, I was kinda like ‘this sounds so cold’.”

Ashton cut him off from going any further with a scoff, “We all know that’s the last thing you are.” With that, Ashton reopened his book and continued on with a lyric he was talking about previously; and Calum couldn’t wipe the grin off of his face.

Over the next few days, Calum had told his friends individually - being met with open arms and plenty of questions. Of course he didn’t mind, but it was relieving to him to feel like things were going back to normal, and he was starting to feel more like himself again. He hadn’t gotten to see you since that morning at his house, but he had texted you to tell you about his new findings - your congratulating text in return, saying how you loved him and were proud of him, had him grinning the rest of the day.

The Fourth of July came quicker than any of them had anticipated, and Calum’s group of friends scrambled to come up with some last minute plans. You had to work during the day, so you would miss the planned barbeque at Michael’s house, but you would be off in time to meet them at the local park to watch the fireworks that Calum had seen a sign for a few days prior.

There was nothing easier for Calum than being around his friends; and while he knew they accepted him and easily accepted his realization about his romantic orientation, he still worried. Worried that things would be different, or they would feel the need to treat him differently. But as he sat there, beer in hand, warmth washed over him when he noticed no palpable tension in the air; instead his ears rang with Ashton’s giggle as he laid on the lawn with South and Moose, wrestling with the two dogs.

With everyone thoroughly fed (and a majority tipsy), they all decided to make the small trek to the park, Calum offering to walk with Moose along the way - his secret favourite of Michaels’ dogs, though he’d never say so.

It was long after they had gotten there did you arrive, the sun finally starting to set to hopefully cut through some of the heat from the day. Moose launched herself at you to signal your arrival, which in turn set off South - before you knew it you were on the ground being bathed in puppy kisses.

“Quite the welcome,” You teased, scooping up South into your arms when the pair had finally eased up.

“They know how to roll out a welcome mat, what can we say,” Calum laughed, pressing a gentle kiss to your cheek, enveloping you in a warm hug. The hug was more rigid than you were used to from Calum, and it gave you a weird sense of tension off of him.

Sitting down next to him, you frowned when you noticed his breathing was shallow on top of the weird tension that was coming off of him in waves, “Are you okay?” You never hesitated to be honest with Calum, and you’d hoped that he’d be as honest as he was that morning, especially if something was wrong.

Calum nodded, pursing his lips in thought for a beat before finally speaking, “This is just the first time I’ve seen you since that morning, I just wanted to make sure we were good. I know I haven’t been the best at keeping up communication lately.”

“You were never much of a talker, love,” Your shoulder nudged his, prompting him to look at you. “We’re good… Never better, I’d say.”

Calum’s shoulders visibly relaxed, his wide, charming smile reappearing on his lips.

“There’s the squishy man I know and love,” You said, reaching your fingers up to pinch his cheeks. “You gonna come lay here like they’re doing or what?”

Glancing around, Calum saw everyone paired up one way or another, couples and best friends alike had one person leaning against the other; the last bit of sunlight casting a glow over all of them. A feeling of calm settled over the crowd, and Calum especially - he had waited to feel like he had purpose, waited to feel wanted. As he settled against you, you began to play with his hair gently; and he understood that his purpose was just to be who he was - a man who loved his friends and family wholeheartedly, to want what was best for others, rather than want for himself alone.

tag list: @haikucal @talkfastromance4 @softbabiestan @boyfriend-cal @calum-uncrowned @wildflowerirwin @irwindoll @gosh-im-short @atlcalm @thesubtweeter @heavenisapeach @ridingcthood @loveroflrh @mantlereid @inlovehoodx @irwinkitten @n-ctarinenga @g-l-pierce @thecurlsofgod

#calum hood #calum hood blurb #calum hood fluff #bi!calum #calum hood fanfiction #5sos fanfiction

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welllpthisishappening · 4 years ago

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Self-Promo Sunday [Monday] Tag Game

Just for fun this Sunday [Monday], let's talk about our personal favorites of our own fics.

Not the ones we necessarily think are the “best.” The ones we go back and reread again and again (because if you don’t reread your own fics what are you even doing?), or the ones we wrote for something or someone special, or the ones that were most difficult to write and just make us proud when we think about them? Whatever criteria you choose, just talk a bit about the fics of yours that you really like.

I was tagged by @shireness-says who really is fantastic and, like, I am not above some shameless self promotion. Plus, it’s a good procrastination technique.

————

All Was Golden in the Sky Magic is dying.

Emma knows it. She can feel it, the emptiness rattling around in her, like it’s trying to make sure she disappears as well. What she doesn’t know is what to do about it, because, suddenly, there is a man in Storybrooke claiming she’s the Savior and a seeress certain a prophecy promises the same and the last thing she expects is for her minimal amount of lingering power to pull her away.To New York City.

And another oddly familiar man with blue eyes and a smile that sinks under her skin and makes magic bloom in the air around her. Things are about to get interesting.

— Listen, this may very well end up being one of my most favorite things I have ever written. Is it ridiculous? You betcha. But am I ridiculously proud of the way I used as much canon as absolutely possible to create something slightly different and a little more magical? You betcha, part two. I legit think it’s one of the more creative things I’ve done and dare I say more romantic? There’s lots of swooning in this one, guys. Killian knew who she was even through magic! The magic brought them back together! Also, Will Scarlet says the words “That’s love, dick!” at one point, which I really think should make more people like it. (I loved this story so much I wrote 50K about Killian and Ariel traipsing around the Enchanted Forest on like a weird, magical road trip, like, just for fun.)

The Period of the Long Change It’s quick. One second she’s standing there and everything is fine and then Emma looks up and it’s not. It’s awful. And the lights are too bright and there are too many rooms and too many opinions and her phone won’t stop ringing because everything seems to be changing all at once. She’s never been great at coping with change. But, maybe, if she can just figure it out and stay right where she is, with Killian Jones, captain of the New York Rangers, at her side, it’ll be alright.

It’s slow. One second he’s standing there and everything is fine and then Killian’s breath catches and it’s not. It’s terrifying. And the noises are too loud and there are too many questions and he can’t find the right answers to any of them, not sure how to cope with everything changing all at once. That’s never really been his forte. But, maybe, if he can just figure it out and stay right where he is, with Emma Swan, director of New York Rangers community relations, at his side, it’ll be alright.

It’s another season and another challenge and Emma and Killian are both struggling to get over the boards.

— Ok, ok, ok, I know what you’re going to say. Laura, nothing about Blue Line is overlooked. You’re constantly yelling about people still reading Blue Line. And yes, that is true, but also...people were not into this one. Like, at all. They were occasionally mean about it! I cannot tell you how many “This would never happen” comments I got, and people were VERY upset by how often Killian was told he was an idiot. He was, though, so. But again! There’s some real swoon-worthy moments in here, if I do say so myself. In the middle of press conferences, even! The blowup chapter nearly made me cry while I was writing it! They sneak out of Casino Night! Also, the end was an idea I’d had building for a long time and it was nice to write it.

Nights Were Mainly Made for Saying It's possible. Emma is certain. She's going to fix this. She's going to save him. By time traveling. Which is totally, absolutely possible.

She's read about it. There's a theory.

So, no one has ever actually done it yet, but that doesn't mean she can't or they can't try and she just needs a little help. From Killian Jones. And his magic.

— In my limited fic-writing experience, I’ve come to realize modern magical AU’s do not always...resonate. Which is not to say that I do not appreciate those of you who did enjoy this one. This one being a weird little time loop story that was mostly a product of “Immma write this mostly for me.” But there were Hamilton references! And Alex Turner opinions! True Love conquered all!

Wrap Around Your Dreams Emma Swan is not a very good witch. She’s emotional and prone to immediate reactions and neither one of those things are currently helping her when the body count in Storybrooke is on the rise.

And there’s far too much blood at each crime scene and far too much magic and Emma has no idea where to look next. So she does the almost human thing; she starts making a list. Of clues and ideas and the absolute desperate hope that the killer isn’t what she’s certain it absolutely has to be.

The last thing she expects is for the notebook to start writing back.

— To this day, I am fairly certain this whole story was written in some sort of thrown-out-back fever dream. I literally wrote this whole story in one day. And it is very unlike anything I’ve ever written before. It got a little dark in some places? There was a lot of blood. Murder played a prominent role? But, like, True Love again. I live in want of another fever dream in which I write the sequel to this. Please read it. This one, not the non-existent sequel.

One Foot In The facts were these.

Killian Jones was dead. This much Emma knew, standing in the middle of the funeral parlor staring at him. What she didn’t know was why. Or how. Or what she would do when she touched him.

Because Emma Swan had a gift. Touch a dead thing once, bring it back to life. Touch it again, dead forever.

And the last thing Emma could do was bring Killian back to life, talk to him for the first time in years, only to watch him die all over again. Not when she’d spent the better part of those same years being in love with him.

------

Or: the Pushing Daisies AU that some people did ask for.

— Oh boy. So, this one languished in my docs for so long that I’m fairly certain people on the internet thought I was lying about having written it. Pushing Daisies is my favorite show in the history of the world, and combining it with Once was a labor of love that also required kind of a new plot and way more magic than the show ever had. Back at it again with murder playing a real prominent role, which is maybe why people were like, nah, about it. If I may be so bold, though, I think it’s some of my best banter. Which is good, because I’m always just trying to do Bryan Fuller proud.

#laura rambles #as i post this i realize the task was: your favorite fics #which is...not totally the same as what i wrote #i stand by this list though #immma make you guys enjoy that stupid witch fic if it's the last thing i do #i say as non-menacingly as possible

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joealwyndaily · 5 years ago

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Sometimes the best Christmas presents are the ones we don’t think we need; a new Christmas Carol, for instance. Indeed it may be indicative of a certain unappreciated vacancy around the Christmas tree that in discussing the BBC’s new version of the Dickens classic both its director and leading man refer back to The Muppet Christmas Carol made way back in 1992.

“I was sent the script,” admits Nick Murphy, best known for directing the Rebecca Hall ghost movie The Awakening, “and my first thought was, ‘For God’s sake! The Muppets! They nailed it. What’s the point?’ ”

Joe Alwyn, who plays Scrooge’s clerk Bob Cratchit in the BBC three-parter, has meanwhile posted a trailer on Instagram with the caption: “Hard to fill the shoes once worn by Kermit. But I tried.” The self-deprecation was quickly “hearted” by the singer Taylor Swift, who is the actor’s girlfriend and who will be watching the mini-series with Alwyn and his family in London in the final days before Christmas.

There is nothing wrong, of course, with The Muppet Christmas Carol. It is probably in most people’s top three adaptations of Dickens’s masterpiece (alongside, I would say, Alastair Sim’s 1951 version and Scrooged). Its endurance does suggest, however, that it may be time someone did something a bit more serious, a little darker and a touch more grown-up with a tale that excoriated Victorian neglect and associated Christmas with the relief of poverty for ever more.

And this is exactly what Nick Murphy has achieved with a bracingly fresh script by the Peaky Blinders creator Steven Knight. Guy Pearce’s Ebenezer Scrooge is still a “squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous old sinner”, but since Pearce is only 52, there is rather less of the old. At the end of the novel, Dickens wrote that “ever afterwards” — that is after Scrooge’s Very Bad Night — “it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well”. That is rather more of an achievement when, as in this version, you may have 40 Christmases, rather than a couple, left to you.

Equally remade is Cratchit, who in Alwyn’s incarnation is far from the bashfully gulping frog thanking his master for granting him Christmas Day off before scampering back to Miss Piggy’s fleshy arms. Although Alwyn grew a rough beard for the part, his is also the best-looking Bob Cratchit you have seen. As the actor and I talk at the Picturehouse Central cinema in London, I find him as mesmerising off screen as on.

“Bob is trapped by Scrooge,” Alwyn says. “He’s abused by him. He’s not treated fairly. He’s there only because he has to be. He’s treated like shit.”

I’d say there’s a definite feeling in their shared scenes that Bob might just snap and hit Ebenezer over the head with a poker. “That was the intention. He’s at breaking point. He’s pushed right to his limits and Scrooge, I think, relishes winding him up. All Bob can do is hold his ground and fight back as much as he can — but he isn’t such a sap in this version.”

Scrooge and Cratchit’s relationship so much resembles an unhappy marriage that the niggling, bitter exchanges invented by Knight, with very little reference to Dickens’s dialogue, resemble Steptoe and Son rewritten by Strindberg. The easy contrast would have been with the Cratchits’ poor but happy marriage, but this too comes under scrutiny. There is an acknowledgment of the challenges a disabled child can bring to a household, and it is somehow emphasised by Tiny Tim being played by Lenny Rush, an extraordinary young actor, aged ten, who has a rare form of dwarfism called spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia congenita, the same condition as Warwick Davis.

“It really mattered to me that nobody was photo-fit,” Murphy says from a studio where he is dubbing the last episode. “Bob Cratchit is always a winsome, put-upon nice guy and the Cratchits themselves represent this idea of an ideal, working-class, lovely family. So we looked into their relationship on the page and there seems a genuine tension between Bob and his wife. Things are hard. It isn’t easy to have no money and a disabled child, and they lean on each other and they’re not straight with each other and there is a genuine antagonism between them.”

Knight has written into the narrative a family secret that connects the Cratchits to Scrooge. The secret belongs to Mrs Cratchit, played by Vinette Robinson, whose part is greatly expanded; indeed, the novella does not even grant her a first name, although the Muppets, and other adaptors, opted for Emily.

“Inevitably the secret begins to surface and cracks appear in the family,” Alwyn says. “Something has to happen. I think what Steven has done is take the story and drill deeper. He hasn’t taken too much liberty. It’s not bending the truth too much from what Dickens would have wanted. Or I hope not.”

Murphy insists that worthwhile adaptations of classic texts should be “edgy” and have “a good bite to them”. “If you absolutely don’t want any variation from the book then I strongly suggest you sit in a corner at Christmas and read it again. But if you want to see it used as a prism through which we can see a broader and slightly different subject explored, then this one’s for you.”

Alwyn’s performance is part of the iconoclasm. “Joe’s instinct as an actor is always to push away from the obvious and into ambiguity,” Murphy says. “He’s very quietly spoken. He’s not brash at all. He’s a gentle, intelligent guy, but he just simply wasn’t interested in fitting a Dickensian cliché.”

“I’ll take that,” Alwyn says when I pass on the compliment, having not considered his technique in such terms. He is 28 and would probably accept that he is best known for two facts: the first is that he is Taylor Swift’s boyfriend; the second that, aged 25 and with no professional acting experience, he won the title role in an Ang Lee movie.

He is from north London, the middle of three sons. Their father is the television documentary-maker Richard Alwyn, renowned for making The Shrine about the public reaction to Princess Diana’s death.

“He was away a bit,” Alwyn says. “He made quite a lot of films in Africa when I was growing up. He was often in Uganda, Rwanda at one point, South Sudan. So he’d come back with stories and artefacts from all over the place. He made a great documentary in Liverpool during the World Cup about two kids on an estate growing up there.”

His mother, Elizabeth, is a psychotherapist. So, I say, although his family were comfortably off and he was sent to the fee-paying City of London School, he knew something of other people’s lives?

“All different kinds of people, all different kinds of stories,” he says. “Obviously, she couldn’t share them with me in the same way that Dad could, but both their jobs take an interest in other people and are about how to empathise, understand, and listen to stories and tell stories. I suppose it’s not a million miles away from an actor’s job; listening to other people, understanding them, trying to tell stories.”

I ask about the contemporary political resonances of A Christmas Carol. I cite the wealth of certain members of his profession and of Swift’s. Only the other day I have read that she has a private jet so she can visit Alwyn on a whim. He promises me that 99.9 per cent of what the press write about them is false, and this is an example.

I ask if he finds it embarrassing.

“Find what embarrassing?”

The disparity between the amount some people earn and the wages of workers in, say, Amazon fulfilment centres.

“I saw something in The Guardian the other day, I think, saying that the top six richest people in the UK accumulate the same amount of wealth as the poorest 13 million. I think that was the figure,” he says.

And politics today?

“It’s bigger than Scrooge, but it’s the same thing amplified; not being able to see beyond yourself, building walls, cutting yourself off from other countries. If there was ever a story to counter that, featuring someone who epitomises that and then who remembers who he is as a human being, it is A Christmas Carol.”

Unlike the young Dickens, Alwyn was not a boy to stand on a table and sing and dance. As a child he auditioned to play Liam Neeson’s son in the Richard Curtis film Love Actually, but didn’t get it. He harboured ambitions to act, but pursued them only later at the University of Bristol, where he took plays up to the Edinburgh Fringe. One night he acted before an audience of one: the writer’s mother. Undeterred, he went on to the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama, joining the scramble at the end to find an agent. Weeks later, his new agent rang to say that Ang Lee was working on a new film, Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, and wanted to see an audition tape.

“I got some mates to film me in a lunch break and then my dad filmed another scene, and we got a call that night saying, ‘He wants to meet you this weekend. He’s saying, we’re going to put you on a plane and take you out of school. Come for the weekend. Learn these scenes.’ ”

As Billy, a young US Marine fêted for killing an enemy assailant in Iraq, Alwyn was painfully believable; a virgin solider returning home to be exploited for an act that had devastated him. The film did not do well, mainly because it was shot at a hyper-reality frame rate that few cinemas had the technology to show, but Alwyn was on his way.

“Things only evolve by change and people taking risks,” he says. “And Ang Lee is someone who I admire for that. None of his films are the same. Maybe thematically they draw on the same things, but he’s always pushing the boundaries.”

The same can be said for A Christmas Carol and, even more, about Yorgos Lanthimos’s The Favourite, in which Alwyn appeared alongside Emma Stone and Olivia Colman. It applies less so to his other recent films, Mary Queen of Scots, Boy Erased and now Harriet, a faithful biopic about the slave liberator Harriet Tubman in which he played a slave owner’s son. What he has managed to do consistently is work and learn from some seriously good actresses — Colman, Stone, Saoirse Ronan and Cynthia Erivo. “I know. I am targeting them,” he jokes.

I tell him my daughters have insisted I ask if he minds Swift writing songs about him (whole albums, actually, but check out London Boy if you are in search of a little cringe). “No, not at all. No. It’s flattering.”

Does it matter to him that the press — it’s a bit metatextual this, I admit, for I’m probably doing the same thing — make it obvious that they are as interested in his girlfriend as they are in him? “I just don’t pay attention to what I don’t want to pay attention to,” he explains tolerantly. “I turn everything else down on a dial. I don’t have any interest in tabloids. I know what I want to do, and that’s this, and that’s what I am doing.”

The boyf, described only the other day as “mysterious” in one of those tabloids, is no mystery at all. He knows what he wants for Christmas, and it is the career he is already forging.

A Christmas Carol begins on BBC One at 9pm on Sunday

#joe alwyn #the times #taylor swift #interview #a christmas carol

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leopardprintismybrown · 5 years ago

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2. We can spend hours working on the right sound.

Queen’s first concert in Japan, 1975. (From Music Life June Issue 1975)

Already popular in Japan, Queen caught fire with the third album SHEER HEART ATTACK, which follows QUEEN II. They performed for the first time in Japan in April and May 1975. After he recovered, even Brian took part to the interview, and they told us once again their opinions about the band’s origin and their released works.

**********************************************************

Weren’t you surprised that there were a lot of female fans gathered at the airport and at the hotel waiting to meet you?

RT: To be honest, all of us were expecting that a bit. However, to receive such a welcome was beyond our imagination. It’s an amazing thing. It’s a relief that there weren’t hysterical groups and exaggerations as it happened in the past. We were at the point that we couldn’t even take a step out of the hotel.

You played concerts in America before coming to Japan, right?

FM: That’s right. It’s been 4-5 months since we’ve left England and we’re travelling. The concerts started in England, we travelled Europe and then we went back to England for a little while for Christmas and right after that we started a long American tour. We stopped in Hawaii to take a rest for 2-3 days and we came here.

How was America’s reaction?

RT: It was a huge success. I think it was a very good trip. Since we performed in many other cities than we previously did, our confidence jumped out throughout this tour because we could finally make it even in America.

I know that it was a huge success in every city…

RT: Aaah, it’s unbelievable. North America was where we had the most resonance. Also, in both the East and the West Coast. I know that the records sold well in the East. However, the spark catches fire always later in the West Coast. The South is tiresome for English bands. But, in general, we received a good reaction in every city. The only exception was Texas.

FM: That was mainly the promoter’s fault.

Brian May: On the other hand, there was a fantastic resonance in New York and Los Angeles, we were happy. It made it possible for us to know that there is a new market, we felt that we gained strong supporters.

RT: From Boston, the most trend-aware place was Cleveland. While we were trying to visit America it was like visiting completely different countries. Everything is different depending on each state. You don’t have control over the communication between states.

Where are you going after Japan?

RT: We’ll be able to go back home! It will be a holiday after the harvest season (as John opens his mouth from the side to add: “Just for two, three days” everyone looks downhearted)

And then you’ll start the recording?

BM: Yes, of the next album.

Have you already planned the next album?

BM: Not clearly, yet. Many people asked us but, actually, it’s often impossible to predict what will be done until our recording isn’t completed. But I’m not talking about the (total) concept album or similar. We let things take their course. I think that the songs will probably be completed before we go to the studio, as it happened with our previous albums. But the only certain thing is that it will turn out to be something different than the previous albums.

RT: The sound is probably going to change so that it won’t end up being boring. This is because it already happened when we were always doing the same things.

When will the next album be released?

FM: I guess around Christmas. (and then he looks at the other members. They all say: “We’re not certain”) We want it released as fast as possible.

How long does it take to make an album?

FM: It takes a very long time. That’s why I think that it’s impossible that the next album comes out before Christmas. And I think this album will be in a different format. I guess it’s clear that we did the recording of all the three albums all at once. However, this album will allow us to take a little more time: to go back and resume recording after going on a trip or while taking a break sometimes. This is because ideas spring out better this way. We can’t wait to start, because it’s like something new is about to happen to us.

RT: This is a memory from America, but when we landed there we were a bit worried, because when we thought that our album was in the 100th position of the hit chart, it immediately fell off. But when we left America, both the album and the single were again ranked in the top 100 and they actually seemed to still rise in the chart. So we were relieved, finally.

Freddie, have you started any new compositions for the new album?

FM: No, I have a few ideas but I’m not good to the point of being able to write along the way. Anyway, I often do that away on tour, so I don’t stick to writing only in the peace of my home.

Do you like to mix down?

FM: We are people who spend a lot of time on anything.

RT: We can spend hours working on the right sound. If the back track is weak, we try to put a sound on it, if it’s not good, we start over. We spend a lot of time on overdubbing, too. Because we don’t have to worry about doing things in a rush. (Brian adds: “We also spend a considerable amount of time on cutting”)

Where do you do the cutting?

BM: At Trident Studios. But, lately, when we went there, we couldn’t quite obtain what we wanted. So we took the tape to America and, when we tried to do the cutting there, it turned out way better than what we did at Trident Studios. We did it at Mastering Lab in New York.

FM: Actually, we’re doing everything by ourselves: while we’re doing the cutting we’re also making the CD jacket at the same time. But it’s good to be absorbed in our work.

Then, could you tell us about the aim and the theme of the three albums released so far?

BM: Actually, we don’t set down. (he means that they don’t establish rules and standards) We just want to make an album that leaves achievements behind. But I suppose that the only album with such thing as a concept was our second one, QUEEN II. Though it was the result of a coincidence, or, more precisely, there was a Black Queen and a White Queen by coincidence.

FM: I think there’s one concept. The record recreates what we were trying to do at the time. People say that QUEEN II is a concept album. However, it’s no more than a step towards the direction we’re trying to take. I mean, we don’t set big plans before we start making a record. We did no more than what we wanted to do at the time.

BM: It’s such a ridiculous thing. They see us as we’re trying to look for something, though we’re not trying to do anything like that. You’ll get over pampered for that reason, and you’ll end up thinking that you have to work very hard and put devotion in what the others expect. But this is hard. It took a lot of time for us to get noticed. That’s why they may have said that “there is no youth”. But I always remember the music I used to listen when I was 10. We were constantly thinking “Aah, if only we had their chance” while listening to Led Zeppelin and The Who. It’s for this reason that we always roam about between the music of that time and the music we’re doing now.

It seems that you all were acquainted before Queen were formed.

BM: Yes, absolutely. Roger and I have known each other for a long time and both of us were hanging out with Freddie since before. We’ve got to know John quite recently. Around 4 years ago. (John nods)

Who’s the one that mainly writes the lyrics?

FM: We don’t decide who is in charge. Everyone writes compositions and then, usually, we add the lyrics, but all the members worked on “Stone Cold Crazy”. This is the first song for which all of us wrote the lyrics, but usually each one brings an outline of the song, listens to it with the other 3 and incorporates ideas.

Please tell us your favourite album among the three.

FM: Uhm, it’s difficult, because I like all three of them. If had to choose only one I’d say SHEER HEART ATTACK. Even when we released the first album I thought it was a very good one, but when I look back now, I think that it's getting better every time we release an album. There is no room for development if you’re satisfied with one thing. I really liked even the second album when it came out, it was exactly what we wanted. I think it’s a good one even when I listen to it now but in this way we’re learning something new with every work.

RT: I think that the best was SHEER HEART ATTACK.

BM: Mine is QUEEN II, for many reasons. Because you can feel that it’s a very intense album.

FM: All three are different. That’s why I like all the three albums. In QUEEN II there’s drama but in SHEER HEART ATTACK we decided that this wasn’t necessary.

Your lyrics are very ambiguos, are you doing that on purpose?

BM: We are proud of it.

RT: I don’t like bad language. Brian is a literary man. It's okay not to use slang, but my the grammar is messy and the spelling is wrong… (everybody bursts into laughter)

FM: It’s a hard work to add lyrics to a composition, indeed.

RT: If the record will get a bad reputation it’s because the spelling is wrong. (he laughs)

Does it bother you if you receive a bad review?

FM: It depends on what they write. If it’s a fair judgement, we don’t mind. There are also articles that we wonder if they were written after properly listening to the record. Because it really can hurt if you’re criticized on the wrong information. They not only wrote terrible things about our songs in the past, but it happened that they mistook who was playing which instrument. Those people didn’t clearly listen to the record. That is a completely unjustified slander. Because if those magazines are influential, many people will end up believing them.

On another note, is any of you married?

FM: No one is. We’re married to the music.

Brian, I heard you’ve been a school teacher?

BM: Yes, I’ve taught maths to students from 12 to 18 years old. It was more like a hobby to me because I did it as a representative teacher or a lecturer. It was truly a fresh and meaningful experience.

What was the occasion that led you to become a musician?

BM: There isn’t a particular occasion that led me to give up on teaching and become a musician. Music was the closest to what I wanted to do the most. It doesn’t mean that I made a change of direction, I can always teach again and do astronomy, if I feel like it. I like astronomy.

Freddie, you were an art college student?

FM: I studied for 3 years at Ealing. A graphics and illustration specialization course. At first, I took a fashion course but since I didn’t like it very much I switched to graphics. I still like to draw and collect pictures.

RT: He designed the band logo. The lettering of the Queen logo and all the other things were done by him.

Would you make a comment on the following groups? First, Led Zeppelin.

ALL: Amazing band. We did concerts at the same time in New Orleans and Los Angeles and we exchanged ideas. We’ve been friends since then.

Bad Company.

BM: A good band. Amazing singer and amazing drummer. We also get along with them. I think Paul Rodgers is really a great singer.

Average White Band.

ALL: Even though the records are great, the live performances are not good. It certainly is a good band but it doesn’t meet our tastes.

What are your plans for the future?

ALL: We’re going to have lunch for the time being. Because we haven’t eaten anything since morning. (they laugh)

We’re terribly sorry.

ALL: It’s fine, MUSIC LIFE is the first magazine that introduced us to Japan. And also, you write almost every month about us. We’re extremely grateful, so we’d do anything to cooperate. We want to take this opportunity to thank all the readers from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you very much, to all of you. We’re very glad that you’ve chosen QUEEN II as the “album of the year” in the popularity contest of MUSIC LIFE. A great trophy is the best present. Thanks again!

**********************************************************

T/N: Second interview from the Music Life special issue about Roger Taylor. As always, I am not an English native speaker, so forgive any possible error. Also, remember that translating into a foreign language is difficult and I hope I have preserved the original meaning.

#translated by me #music life #queen #queen interview #queen in japan #1975 #roger taylor #Brian May #John Deacon #freddie mercury #70s #QUEEN II #SHEER HEART ATTACK

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bangtan · 7 years ago

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BTS Speaks Out In Seoul: The K-Pop Megastars Get Candid About Representing a New Generation

No sound on the planet inspires as obsessive a fandom as K-pop. The “Bulletproof Boy Scouts” of BTS have (finally, for real) imported that mania to America -- all in Korean, as they rally dissatisfied millennials around the globe. Built in 1957 as a reception hall for South Korea’s fledgling postwar government to entertain foreign dignitaries, the Korea House is a quiet oasis amid the tumult of Seoul, with a photogenic courtyard and collection of old-school Korean houses known as hanoks. Normally it’s the setting for historical TV dramas or weddings, but on this bright, cold mid-January morning, it’s a hideaway for the seven-man Korean pop group BTS, whose celebrity has expanded past K-pop’s traditional sphere of influence and, especially during the last six months, moved into the United States as well. When I arrive, the band is sequestered in a room within a room, behind paper doors manned by a security detail. In the outer room, over 20 groomers, publicists and other handlers from the group’s management agency, BigHit Entertainment, mill about, grazing on the provided snacks and drinks. Everyone speaks in low tones. The members of BTS need an extra 15 minutes before the scheduled photo shoot, I’m told. They are, understandably, exhausted: Their schedule has been packed since New Year’s Eve with performances, TV appearances, commercials and meet-and-greets. I flew into Seoul expressly to meet them for this rare opening in their calendar. The first to emerge from the room is J-Hope, 23, the former street dancer from the city of Gwangju, who capers down the steps, then doubles back to get RM, also 23, the group’s leader and English-speaking ambassador. The rest soon file out wearing similarly dark Saint Laurent-heavy outfits: Suga, 24, the idealistic and soulful rapper; Jimin, 22, the baby-faced modern dancer; V, 22, the master impressionist; Jungkook, 20, the golden maknae (youngest member, a sort of privileged position in K-pop) who’s good at everything; and Jin, 25, who’s known as “Worldwide Handsome.” They form a semicircle of multicolored bowl cuts, and RM comments on how tall I am (6 feet) and that I can speak Korean (like a 10-year-old). They’re photo-ready but groggy enough that I wish they’d taken another 15 minutes to rest. But time is money, and these guys are worth a lot. It’s reasonable that BigHit would handle the members like prized jewels. They’re among the biggest stars in K-pop -- their last album, 2017’s Love Yourself: Her, has sold 1.58 million physical copies around the globe, according to BigHit. And while it may not be a household name in the United States, BTS -- which stands for Bangtan Sonyeondan and roughly translates to “Bulletproof Boy Scouts” -- is pulling unprecedented numbers for a group that mainly sings in Korean to an American populace that has long resisted K-pop’s charms. Love Yourself: Her debuted at No. 7 on the Billboard 200 in September 2017, and BTS claims the two highest-charting songs for a K-pop group ever, “DNA” (which peaked at No. 67 on the Billboard Hot 100) and the Steve Aoki remix of “Mic Drop,” featuring Desiigner (No. 28). In the States alone, BTS has sold 1.6 million song downloads and clocked 1.5 billion-with-a-“B” on-demand streams, according to Nielsen Music. BTS has connected with millennials around the globe even though -- or really, because -- the act seems to challenge boy-band and K-pop orthodoxies. Sure, it’s got love songs and dance moves. But BTS’ music, which the members have helped write since the beginning, has regularly leveled criticism against a myopic educational system, materialism and the media, venting about a structure seemingly gamed against the younger generation. “Honestly, from our standpoint, every day is stressful for our generation. It’s hard to get a job, it’s harder to attend college now more than ever,” says RM, until recently known as Rap Monster. “Adults need to create policies that can facilitate that overall social change. Right now, the privileged class, the upper class needs to change the way they think.” Suga jumps in: “And this isn't just Korea, but the rest of the world. The reason why our music resonates with people around the world who are in their teens, 20s and 30s is because of these issues.” The shoot’s done, and we’re sitting on couches in a small living room-like space amid the production studios at the BigHit offices, the members changed into cozy but still-stylish jackets and knitwear. Here at home, speaking in Korean, they’re calmer and less eager to impress than they were on their recent, occasionally awkward American press tour, where they did the rounds on The Late Late Show With James Corden, Jimmy Kimmel Live! and The Ellen DeGeneres Show, where RM gamely evaded questions about dating. Today, their voices are noticeably deeper, more sonorous. RM does, as usual, a lot of the talking, sometimes throwing questions out to the quieter members. But Suga is a surprise: garrulous and thoughtful, seemingly primed for a socially conscious rap battle. Rabid K-pop fandom is, by now, a pop-culture cliche. Even in a world where supporters of American stars engineer efforts to goose chart positions and feud with rival fandoms -- Beatlemania multiplied by the internet, basically -- K-pop stans are legendarily devoted and influential. The BTS ARMY (that’s short for “Adorable Representative M.C for Youth”) is the engine powering the phenomenon: It translates lyrics and Korean media appearances; rallies clicks, views, likes and retweets to get BTS trending on Twitter and YouTube; and overwhelms online polls and competitions. BigHit says that it makes sure to disseminate news and updates about the band on the fan cafe, so as not to arouse the wrath of the ARMY. The global fan base is why a group you may never have heard of is attaining the upper ranks of the U.S. charts; playing late-night slots; appearing at the Billboard Music Awards, where it picked up the fan-voted top social artist trophy in 2017; and performing on the American Music Awards. (“The AMAs were the biggest gift we could have gotten from our fans,” says Suga.) Purely in terms of social media, they’re just about the biggest thing going, driving BTS to 58 weeks at No. 1 on the Social 50 chart, a total that’s second only to Justin Bieber’s, and more than doubles the number of weeks scored by the third-place act -- none other than Taylor Swift. The ARMY doesn't merely idolize the members of BTS, it identifies with them. When the group debuted in 2013 with 2 Kool 4 Skool, the members talked about the pressures familiar to any Korean student: the need to study hard, get into college and find a stable job. Their first singles, “No More Dream” and “N.O.,” castigated peers who attended classes like zombies without a sense of purpose. What was all this education for, they asked -- to become “the No. 1 government worker?” The tracks were a throwback to Korean pop acts like H.O.T. and Seo Taiji & Boys, only updated for a generation saddled with debt in an increasingly competitive economy. “I was talking about my past self,” says RM, confessing that he was one of those drones. “There was nothing I wanted to do; just that I wanted to make a lot of money. I started the song by thinking about it as a letter written to friends who were like me in the past.” “College is presented like some sort of cure-all,” says Suga. “They say that if you go, your life will be set. They even say you’ll lose weight, get taller...” RM: “That you’ll get a girlfriend...” Jin: “That you’ll become better-looking...” Suga: “But this isn't the reality, and they realize that was all a lie. No one else can take responsibility for you at that point. “If we don’t talk about these issues, who will?” continues Suga. “Our parents? Adults? So isn't it up to us? That’s the kind of conversations we have [in the band]: Who knows best and can talk about the difficulty our generation faces? It’s us.” As they become increasingly famous, though, the artists have also become wary of saying what might be perceived as the wrong or “political” thing. Suga is the most outspoken. When I ask them about the massive candlelight protests calling for President Park Geun-hye’s resignation in Seoul last winter, Suga readily takes on the topic: “Moving past right and wrong, truth and falsehood, citizens coming together and raising their voice is something that I actively support.” RM, on the other hand, is more alert to potential sensitivities. On the recent death of Jonghyun of K-pop group SHINee, who suffered from depression and committed suicide last December, he says, “We went to give our condolences that morning. I couldn't sleep at all that night. It was so shocking, because we had seen him so often at events. He was so successful.” Adds Suga, “It was a shock to everyone, and I really sympathized with him,” and then RM moves to end the conversation: “That’s about all we can say.” But Suga goes on. “I really want to say that everyone in the world is lonely and everyone is sad, and if we know that everyone is suffering and lonely, I hope we can create an environment where we can ask for help, and say things are hard when they’re hard, and say that we miss someone when we miss them.” I later bring up a tweet that RM wrote in March 2013, saying that when he understood what the lyrics to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ gay-marriage anthem, “Same Love,” were about, he liked the song twice as much. BTS fans naturally took this to mean that BTS openly supported gay rights -- a rarity in K-pop. Today, he’s slightly circumspect on the topic: “It’s hard to find the right words. To reverse the words: Saying ‘same love’ is saying ‘love is the same.’ I just really liked that song. That’s about all I have to say.” Suga, though, is clear on where he stands: “There’s nothing wrong. Everyone is equal.” BTS’ meteoric rise was something of a surprise, even in Korea. Three years into its career -- eons in the K-pop life cycle -- the group finally gained traction in 2016 with hits like “Blood, Sweat, Tears” and “Burn It Up.” Part of the reason is that BTS is the first major act to come out of BigHit Entertainment, an anomaly simply in that it is not one of the “Big Three” entertainment companies -- YG, JYP and SM -- that control the Korean music industry, producing most of the past decade’s notable pop acts, including Girls’ Generation, BIGBANG, Super Junior, Wonder Girls and 2NE1. And BTS simply didn't have the same feel as factory-fresh groups created to dominate the Asian music markets. Bang Si-hyuk, the founder/CEO of BigHit, cut his teeth at JYP, working alongside Park Jin-yong and writing and producing hits for Rain, 2AM and Baek Ji-young. “Even the people around me didn't believe in me,” he says, recalling the early days with BTS. “Even though they acknowledged that I had been successful in the past, they didn't believe I could take this boy group to the top.” Like the other companies, BigHit oversees everything from recording to distribution to marketing to events for its acts. He says that people thought the “Bulletproof Boy Scouts” name had a North Korean feel, but he felt that they would become a metaphorical bulletproof vest for their generation. Bang originally wanted to create a hip-hop group -- “like Migos,” according to RM. He first listened to RM’s demo tape in 2010 and still remembers some of the lines. (He cites, “My heart is like a detective who is the criminal’s son. Even as I know who the criminal is, I can’t catch him.”) “It was shocking to me,” says Bang. “RM is extremely self-reflective, sophisticated and philosophical, considering his age.” RM, whose real name is Kim Nam-joon, was only 15 at the time. Bang signed him immediately. Back then, though, “idol groups” -- boy bands and girl groups -- like Super Junior and SNSD were ascendant. So Bang created an act that would meld the honesty of hip-hop with the visual flair and charisma of a boy band in the vein of BIGBANG. During the next couple of years, he recruited Suga, a rapper he describes as having an “I don’t give a fuck” magnetism masking a humble core, and then J-Hope, the street dancer. BigHit then held extensive auditions. A casting director chased Jin after seeing him get off a bus and convinced him to try out for the group; he eventually made the team alongside V and Jungkook. Jimin was the last to join, after a BigHit agent scouted him at a modern dance school. In the beginning, each of the members tried their hand at rhyming. “I went so far as to learn how to rap,” says Jimin, who, like Jungkook, now sings. “But after they had me do it once, they were like, ‘Let’s just work harder on vocals.’” RM nods -- “It was the wise choice,” he says -- and everyone bursts out laughing. These were BigHit’s ragtag champions, and they have a sense of unity. Early on, they lived together in one small room, sleeping in bunk beds and learning one another’s sleep habits. (Jimin does strange contortions in bed, and Jungkook has started snoring. “It’s TMI,” acknowledges RM.) They still live together, just with a little more space -- J-Hope and Jimin sharing the biggest room -- and plan to keep doing so. “When we’re at home, we go around to everyone’s room,” says Jin. “Even when I go home [to see family], I get bored, honestly,” adds Suga. “And if there’s a problem or someone has hurt feelings, we don’t just leave it, we talk about it then and there.” “So if Hope and Jin fight, it’s not just the two of them that resolve it,” explains Jungkook. “It’s all seven of us!” says Suga. “Everyone gathers together,” says RM, ever the intellectual. “It’s like an agora in ancient Greece: We gather and we ask: ‘What happened?’” After the interview, RM takes me to his production studio, a small room at the end of a hall decorated with giant KAWS figurines in glass boxes, a Supreme poster of Mike Tyson and skateboards. Inside, the walls are lined with his own KAWS toys and a model version of the Banksy piece “Rage, Flower Thrower” that he admits paying a hefty sum for. Other than that, there’s just a typical workstation: a pullout chair, giant monitor and the most precious item of all, his laptop. In BTS’ lyrics, there’s a motif of the baepsae, a squat, fluffy bird native to Korea and known as the crow-tit. A Korean expression says that if a crow-tit tries to walk like a stork, it’ll tear its own legs. It’s a cautionary tale -- a suggestion that you shouldn't try too hard or be something that you’re not. But BTS deploys it as a brag, a declaration of a small, striving bird. In “Silver Spoon,” Suga puts a cheeky, boastful spin on it: “Our generation has had it hard/We’ll chase them fast/Because of the storks the crotch of my pants is stretched tight/So call me baepsa e.” Now that they are, almost in a literal sense, on top of the world, can they still claim to be underdogs? “We’re very careful about calling ourselves baepsaes now,” says Suga. “But the reality is that that’s where we started and that’s where our roots are.” And RM points out that they still consider themselves agents for change: “If there are problems, we’ll bring it up so that our voices can get louder, so that the climate changes and we can talk about it more freely.” BTS is the K-pop group of the moment because it balances the contradictions inherent to the genre on a genuinely global scale: The act is breaking through in America singing and rapping in Korean, creating intimacy through wide exposure on social media, expressing political ideas without stirring up controversy and inspiring fervent obsession with mild-mannered wholesomeness. It is the underdog that has arrived. But the group would rather you not ask what’s next. Its members and producers are skillfully evasive when it comes to questions about the next BTS album -- although they apparently have no immediate plans for an English-language release, intuiting that such a move would alienate their core fan base. Instead, they seem content to keep doing what they do. RM, of course, is philosophical about it. “In Korean, the word ‘future’ is made up of two parts,” he explains, proposing a sort of riddle about how far the band has come and how far it might yet go. “The first part means ‘not,’ and the second means ‘to come.’ In that sense, ‘future’ means something that will not come. This is to say: The future is now, and our now is us living our future.”

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#bangtan #bts #v #jin #suga #rm #jimin #jhope #jungkook #t:article #180215

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thealreadyseen · 7 years ago

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Just shy of two years ago I came out to my entire facebook/family/friends through an article I wrote. It was hard and yet it was also the easiest thing I’ve even done. It felt like I’d taken these gigantic weights off my shoulders and back and head and my heart and all of a sudden I could breathe again. I no longer had any secrets. Love, Simon brought up a lot of feelings that I hadn’t thought about in nearly two years. Mainly, the difficulty that I had struggled with about coming out and how and to whom and the joy and relief when my life didn’t change in any way that I didn’t choose for it. Recently (I wish I could remember where and who said it) I read a piece from someone who was talking about coming out. They said “accepting myself, it saved my life, but actually coming out opened up my life”, and along with Love, Simon I’ve never resonated with something quite so well. In high school and even for several years of college there was this big blockade that separated me and everyone. It felt like I was constantly on one side and everyone else was on the other and I just didn’t know how to get to where they were. But when I came out I let down that blockade and I have not felt inherently different (though I might still be) than everyone around me.

Recently Love, Simon was the under the critique of The Times. The article headline read: Love, Simon Is a Groundbreaking Gay Movie. But Do Today's Teens Actually Need It? In the article it digs in on the main character by saying he is too straight passing. That he grew up in a good loving home. That it has no depth, it is flat. There is no complexity to it and it could really use an edgy-ache to make today’s teens want to grow up. That maybe 10 years ago teens could have used it but now gay marriage is legalized and there’s NO homophobia! It’s all in the past! And to all of that I give my most sincere and polite - fuck you. Is there not enough R rated raunchy soft-porn homophobic centered movies? Is it so wrong for there to be a movie where queer people aren’t seen as these intense sexual beings and more like actual teenage kids? I am a femme straight passing queer (also way to stereotype DANIEL D'ADDARIO really great job). I grew up in a family that has always shown me love and never once did I think they would hate me for being queer. But let me tell you it is not easy looking at the people who have known you literally your entire life and telling them that they don’t actually know you. Four years ago, during my senior year if I had seen Love, Simon I can only imagine how differently my senior year would have been.

The parallels between my life and Simon’s is really where the movie got me. The movie begins by Simon describing his perfectly average life with his loving parents. I may not have his sick-ass room or his good looks and easy going personality. But I too, had a younger sibling, a deep love for music and a secret. I did theater. I had friends who I had known for years and a friend I became friends with my senior year. The first time I told someone I was queer was through an anonymous Tumblr message. I fell for this girl but couldn’t admit it. Unlike Simon however, I didn’t have the nerve to be open. I was stuck between stereotypes and not wanting people to talk about me. Like Simon I just figured I would eventually come out in college. Man, how I wish I had come out my senior year and enjoyed life how it could’ve been.

There’s one part of Love, Simon that above all else I really felt. Simon gets outed (a spoiler? I guess? Did anyone expect any different?) by another character. The character apologizes and Simon turns to him and says (something like this) to him, “Do you think I care how you thought my coming out as gay would be? I’m supposed to be the one that decides when and how and who knows, and how I get to say it, that’s supposed to be my thing! ” I remember so clearly every time someone decided to come out for me. One time in particular, I turned to the boy who had told a bunch of people and I cried and screamed, “It is not your decision to tell people. It is mine. It’s supposed to be mine.” So it’s safe to say that part wrecked me. Words normally comfort me but in this instance I feel like a child with a limited grasp of the English language. I want to explain the detrimental effect this scene had on me but I just can’t.

Growing up rom-coms were my favorite. I spent so many nights in high school watching the same ones over and over. I was always hoping-wishing-praying that I would find that kind of sickly-sweet unrealistic love. So while Love, Simon is just a harmless cheesy depthless queer rom-com, it is actually so much more to me. I could you dozens more reasons why you should give Love, Simon a chance. The music, Josh Duhamel and Jennifer Garner, and Alexandra Shipp in a Wonder Woman outfit for starters. But also for the underlying parts like Abby’s parents divorce or Martin telling Simon, “I don’t want you to change me, I want you to make her like me for me.” Take a chance on this love story.

Love, Kendy

#love simon #personal #writing #coming out #love #parents #queer #movies #spoilers

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mentalhealthandgames · 4 years ago

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Continued analysis of ‘Night in the Woods’:

‘Night in the Woods’ is a story based game, and in fact doesn’t involve much game play, it’s a side scroller with some platforming elements to it but it mostly involves of moving around and interacting with other characters to move the story forward, with a few minigames interspersed throughout. This means that the story, and particularly the characters are the main focus of the game. This limited gameplay features in most of the negative reviews the game receives, however the focus on the story over gameplay features in many of its positive reviews. The game has won five awards since its release and two of those awards are for narrative (the winner for ‘Narrative’ in the 2018 BAFTA game awards and winner for ‘Excellence in Narrative’ in the 2018 Independent Games Festival). This implies that the story was told well and/or resonated with a lot of people. Even if the creators haven’t confirmed the specific mental health conditions Mae suffers from, part of the story centres on mental health as the event that starts the story is Mae dropping out of college and the reason for her dropping out of college is clearly shown to be her struggle with her mental health. This means that even though mental health isn’t the main focus of the game, the plot focusing on the mysteries of the town, it is integral to it and the story of the game would not make sense without it.

As mentioned the portrayals of the mental health conditions Mae and Gregg have seem to line up with the descriptions and symptoms of those conditions that are listed on trusted websites such as Mind and the NHS website. Of course just because they are similar does not necessarily mean that the way those conditions have been portrayed is entirely accurate, but it does suggest that they are not entirely inaccurate. As the creators have/had experience with mental health conditions (Scott Benson with type two bipolar disorder and Alec Holowka with depression and running a podcast where he interviewed guest about their mental health) and implied that they kept their experiences in mind when creating the game this shows that they did try hard to make it an accurate representation of mental health. Personally I do feel that I can relate a lot to Mae, especially because of how she described her experience of college, as I have had similar experiences as a result of my own mental health conditions where I have been afraid to leave my room and have had trouble sleeping. I also can relate very much to how she acts before going to a party in one of the earlier parts of the game, where she criticises herself in the mirror and worries over how to be social after just having dropped out of college, as my thoughts often follow similar paths when my anxiety flares up.

Mae’s experience where she attacked Andy Cullen portrays her as violent as a result of her dissociative disorder, which can play into stereotypes of people with mental health conditions as being violent and dangerous. However, she is shown to regret it which also makes her quite relatable. Gregg fits some stereotypes for bipolar disorder but he is also shown as caring and compassionate and is a very popular character among players, which does make him positive representation, even if the creators have not confirmed whether or not he has bipolar disorder.

Some people find Mae a frustrating character as she is quite immature and makes a lot of mistakes. Alec Holowka explained that they wrote her this way on purpose in the interview with Kotaku: “There’s certain situations where Mae kind of fucks up, and I’ve seen some reactions from players who identify with that and some that are really frustrated, like ‘I wouldn’t do that!’” Holowka said. “But I think that’s part of the experience sometimes of mental health, that you don’t necessarily feel like you can make the best decisions all the time. That there’s some aspect of you that’s going to make a bad decision, and you’re kind of struggling with that” (Spencer, 2017). I agree with Holowka that it made Mae more relatable for me as well as more sympathetic because I know what it is like to make impulsive decisions that you later regret or feel guilty for. Eric Vero, writing for Checkpoint (the charity that made the checklist I posted about earlier) also seemed to find solace in Mae making mistakes and getting past them with the help of her friends: “What solidified Night in the Woods as one of my favourite games is that it makes clear that it’s okay to mess up. You don’t need to be perfect” (Vero, 2020). On the other hand, I also understand how it can be frustrating for other players, especially since in many games you usually have much more control over the main character’s big decisions and in this game you have more control over the small choices, mostly to do with dialogue. Overall I feel sympathetic and empathetic towards Mae, mainly because I can really relate to her experiences with mental health, but I also understand why some players don’t.

Overall, I think the creators went into the game with good intentions to represent mental health based on their own experiences but not make it the entire focus of the story and this resonated with a lot of players. This can be seen again in the interview with ‘Kotaku’: “Benson told Kotaku that the team intentionally left the characters’ mental health ambiguous as a way to let the story progress naturally. Early in development, they knew they wanted to talk about depression, since everyone on the team had experienced it in some way. Ultimately the team wanted to make a game about people who experience mental health issues, not the issues themselves.” (Spencer, 2017). I think the idea of the game being more about the characters than mental health is important as it makes the game more realistic and more accessible to people with different (or no) mental health conditions. It also means that, as mental health isn’t the entire focus of the game, it implies that mental health doesn’t have to be the focus of the life of someone who has a mental health condition. It may be a part of their identity, and it may shape some of their adventures but it doesn’t define them and their life. That was something I needed time to learn.

References:

Spencer, C. (2017) Night in the Woods Treats Depression Like a Part of Life. Available at:

https://kotaku.com/night-in-the-woods-treats-depression-like-a-part-of-lif-1797400607 (accessed at: 22 February 2021)

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resbang-bookclub · 7 years ago

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AMA Transcript: Simple Melody

For our final AMA of Resbang 2017, @alliope, @bbbutterfingers & @daciafu stopped in to answer questions about their Resbang, Simple Melody! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: My first question for Allie is what inspired you to do this AU?

Allie: Well I've generally had the idea for an Over the Garden Wall AU for a while, not necessarily for SE, but as the first check-ins deadline was approaching I ended up rewatching bits of Over the Garden Wall and it just kinda clicked? Mainly I think it came from Crona's betrayal and Beatrice's betrayal and everything fell into place from there. I thought the eerie atmospheres would work well together! So I ended up scrapping my previous idea and wrote 3k plus a summary like three days before the first check-ins, rip.

Q: For butter/dacia, what went into how you decided which scene(s) to art?

butterfingers: HM well there was some chitchat when we started about what kind of work we wanted to do and I said that I loved the Boom comics covers, and then I shouted WHAT IF I MADE COMIC BOOK COVERS! and I think Dacia went WHAT IF I DID BACKGROUNDS and I guess we just approached it as if we were doing something comic-y haha!

Allie: You two were the power duo.

daciafu: I've always been in love with the style of the backgrounds of OTGW since that's where all those cozy and spooky feelings of fall and the Unknown really shine and I'm honestly HORRIBLE at designing backgrounds so I wanted to take the challenge and push myself to get better! Mimicking other people's styles really helps me break down how they make their choices and teaches me how to make things look Decent so I was super hyped to pick up the OTGW style! And then when Butters and I were trying to figure out What Do and she said she wanted to tackle covers, I decided to do background-heavy scenes. 😊

Q: What is generally your guys’ process (writing for Allie and arting for butters and dacia)?

Allie: Well, I wrote in little scenes, like I would get an idea for a scene and just go for it, the fic wasn't at all coherent until maybe a few days before posting. This actually posed a problem since linking scenes took longer than I thought it would. Because I had most of my scenes written, I thought I had more finished than I really did. By the end of Resbang, I had 56k written but only 20k remotely post-able. I'm a super obsessive planner though, so my whole fic was outlined in detail early on, which was nice cause I knew what I was doing lol

butterfingers: I loved going through Allie's notes, I was always excited to see how they'd connect the dots! My art process is as follows: scribble something, put it aside, look at it a lot throughout the day with the thought that maybe I can surprise myself into seeing something new, find something I hate, fix it, rinse and repeat. For this project I actually... have a friend who works with Boom Comics and she was able to hook me up with a nice little gallery of illustrations for the OTGW comic so I got to go through and put together my mood board for it 😊

daciafu: I read over the gloriousness that was Allie's draft and immediately picked out some neat scenes or wanted to reimagine the classic OTWG ones. I spent a lot of time studying first! Looking at the art books, and poring over the show’s scenes and kind of getting a feel for the color palettes, textures and compositions. Then I watched a tutorial on Youtube where someone just deadass uploaded their painting process on a piece of official art that made it into the show. So that was EXTREMELY helpful to watch the way they painted back-to-front and kind of blended the planes without like, losing depth?? The internet is so, so wonderful. And then I got to work! Started with a soft brush for lineart so it wouldn't be too prevalent, moved onto base colors, then shading, and then really trying to establish textures and make the atmosphere Just Right(tm).

butterfingers: Genius!! Oh damn that sounds like such great advice vis à vis backgrounds. /takes notes

Q: You sound like the dream art partner Allie, I weep for my artists and my last minute HERE IS 10K I JUST TYPED UP BC IM A MESS.

Allie: Ahh geez, these two were the dream partners honestly, like I'm so glad they could gather stuff from my notes, cause I've always got everything together in my head, but then it gets out there and it's a mess, these two deserve all the love.

butterfingers: There was one thing I regret that I didn't have the chance to draw and it was like a throwaway line somewhere in your notes about Maka presenting Soul with a praying mantis and him freaking out. I resonated with that so hard hahaha.

Q: What was the hardest scene for you to write?

Allie: The hardest scene to write that's actually posted was anything with Justin really, I don't get his character and it was tough to write him. There were a few scenes that were hard to write because I rushed them, but I wouldn't say they were genuinely difficult scenes, I just gotta rewrite 'em! But overall the ending scene I'm still struggling to write and there's a dream scene that occurs which has been difficult to write just for making it dream-like enough?

Q: And what was the hardest to art? :o

butterfingers: I had a hard time with Maka's expressions. I had many scribbles designing a Ragnarok lantern, too, but it was very fun!!

Allie: Your design for the Ragnarok lantern was so good, I still cry over it.

butterfingers: Ahaha thank you! He was very Calcifer inspired ;)

daciafu: I struggled quite a bit with the first one I painted, just because it was all so new to me. I had to base color 3 different times because the soft lineart bothered me if something extended too far, or there was white background peeking through. And then reimagining the texture in the leaves and the ground to try to separate the planes there but also wanting them to be cohesive was a bit of a headache. If I had to go back and do that one over again I think I'd be more prepared to deal with the foliage lmao.

butterfingers: Your textures were very excellent, that was a quality I struggled with as well!

daciafu: The first one I painted was the Golden Light scene where Maka and Soul are leaving the woods and entering the fields.

butterfingers: Trees r hard.

Allie: They all came out so incredible though, I'm in awe of how you were able to create those leaves.

daciafu: Omg ;;;;; At the same time trees are so organic and flowy and the chances of getting them wrong are pretty slim considering they can get janked as hell lol they're super fun to just zone out to. "I’ll just put a happy little leaf here, ooh and how’s about another one right next to it. They can be happy friends. Oh look, the squad showed up!!" Channeling my inner Bob Ross... but yeah you can just do whatever with them and they somehow come together.

Q: Daciafu how do u.....background, like you did so well and all I hear from art friends is various levels of pterodactyl screeching when the word background is mentioned.

daciafu: I heavily based the Leafing the Forest scene and the church scene after stills from the show so I don't get composition points there, but I built the pumpkin fields just based off of the environment’s design elements. I really wanted to push the depth of that scene but also give it that same never-ending quality to it, and I'm super happy with the results. Another note is that I omitted the characters entirely while building the backgrounds. Since I'm usually a pretty character-heavy artist, I wanted to tackle it like I was preparing the scene for an animator later. And then once they were done, I added in our sweet kids. Doing it that way first really helped to cement the characters in the space rather than my usual "character is done, how can I put them in an interesting physical space?" struggle lmao.

Q: Did you guys feel like your writing/arting changed at all or that you learned anything/picked up new skills/honed old ones etc. etc. during Resbang?

Allie: Gosh yeah, it changed a lot. In hindsight a bad idea, but this was the first fic I'd ever written with intention of posting and the longest piece I'd ever written. Before this I had written very little and my longest piece was maybe 10k. Throughout Resbang I've learned most of everything from the ground up, it's taught me a lot about my limits, how I work and writing in general. I've definitely improved a lot from the experience!

butterfingers: Let me tell you all about the airbrush tool that I discovered during Resbang. Amazing. Incredible.

daciafu: I learned how to paint backgrounds!!! Which is something I've always wanted to get better at. And I got super comfortable in Clip Studio (I'd just gotten it) as well as using texture brushes, so overall it was a very helpful and wonderful experience as a Resbang participant and as an arteest.

Q: Oh that reminds me butters, what program do you use?

butterfingers: Paint Tool SAI for the most part, and then Photoshop for color correction, borders, and, like, finesse things! :)

Q: Did you guys listen to any music that inspired you or helped you create?

Allie: Ah, yeah! I had a playlist actually! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLjTCaFkFU6rkD1edJwCZmHvJiUwlSUeGZ

If you want I can explain some bits of it? I use music a lot when writing aha. I like to associate certain songs with characters and character relationships, so most of the songs are connected to a particular part of the story. The Monroe Transfer, Wayfaring Stranger, and Mountains were all more general atmosphere stuff. Blame was very much related to Maka, which may not be apparent now, but yeah. Ragnarok I actually connected a lot with Willow Tree March. Soul was probably closest with A Lady. Crona had a lot of songs, but Neptune was most specific to them, as was probably Ghost Towns. Some character relationships I associated with certain songs, Crona-Ragnarok and Soul-Maka were both pretty connected to Always Gold, especially that dang last line "there were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend" oh man. Crona-Maka was definitely We Could Be Friends, Bloom, and Spell. Meet Me in The Woods I thought was a pretty good group song! Those are just some general bits of my thinking with the music aha.

daciafu: Definitely checked out Allie's dope playlist. For most of my working time, tho, I was either listening to TAZ: Commitment or MBMBaM oddly enough lol. I will forever think of Justin's uproarious laughter whenever I look at them lmao.

Q: Were any of the relationships difficult to characterize?

Allie: Mmm this may sound weird but early Maka-Crona was weird for me, cause they were kinda at that point where they want to (or at least Maka wants to) like each other, but they don’t like or trust each other at all and it's a weird spot for them. I'm used to writing them as at least interested by one another, if not enemies or already fond of one another, so this felt like a very odd place to start with them.

Q: Do you guys have future plans for writing/drawing? Aside from polishing and posting the rest of the fic!

Allie: I have,,, too many plans,, I need less plans,, someone please take them away from me, I can't be trusted with them,,,, I do want to do a sequel for this when I get it finished, playing on the detail about crows memory lasting five years so. Beyond that I have a SoMa fic to finish for the prompt challenge!! I'm working on a gift for Crescentcrona, which is a fantasy Kirona fic called Eat The Rich. I have polyam week fics that I'm cleaning up, I think my favorite so far is a Azusa/Naigus/Sid/Mifune one for Through The Seasons. And God I have so many CroMa fics I want to write, I gotta fill the AO3 tag. I think the biggest one right now is a wings-related soulmates au that I've been working on on the side since October I think?

daciafu: Yo there's one scene that I'm like sUPER hyped to do if Allie does the sequel because I already know exactly how I wanna draw it but I wasn't able to fit that in near the end, and it didn't end up in the first part. But there are a couple of other scenes Allie and I workshopped that would be super fun to do and I would love to draw them. Other than that, my drawing plans are pretty much working on commissions as they come in. Surprisingly my queue has been maxed out and I just got a full time job so of course now I'm like.... hm.... I'll get 'em done eventually!!

----

That’s the end of the AMAs for the 2017 season! Thanks again for reading along with us, and see you next year! :)

#AMA transcripts #resbang book club #rbbc #simple melody

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imagine-that-one-thing · 7 years ago

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Dripping In Diamonds. || 4

Author's Note: Hey everyone! This is part four to ‘Dripping in Diamonds,’ it is something new I am currently playing around with and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. Thank you if you decide to read!

Previous Chapters, Dripping In Diamonds.

Harry Masterlist found HERE

If you’d like to send me feedback feel free to send me an Ask. It sometimes helps to see what the reader feels and thinks. :) xx

|| Message In A Bottle.||

The warm breeze of the August air whisks through my hair and graces my bare legs as I relax in the back terrace, surrounded by blooming roses and a soothing fountain with a novel in my hand. It is fascinating to observe seasons shift in the garden. When spring finally comes, arci-pluvian flowers blossom and last until winter begins to hit, withering away what was once a brilliant masterpiece...

The grass eternally appears to whisper in the time between spring and summer. The verdant grass stems whisper nonchalantly like a church overflowing with people humming together the most beautiful verse you can think of. I love watching when the snow commences to melt and become a coat of dewy dust for the garden to thrive off of for daisies to peep through the pea-green grass.

The sun touches the garden with a golden luminosity— a garden that will soon be covered with a beautiful blanket of winter snow— I fade in and out of appreciating the garden while involving myself with my book.

The well-known voice of Harry’s travels through my ears and distracts me from my book. “Mrs Archibald, what are you doing out here?” He asks while he cruises with sure-footed purpose towards me.

I look up and give him a delicate smile, taking note of the way his eyes gleam in the radiant shafts of the sun. They are a-sparkle with mirth over a warm smile. There is something about his eyes, they are entrancing, bewitching, tourmaline eyes. They shine as brilliant as the evening stars when they are a-light with delight. I have observed it for myself, I have witnessed his eyes sparkle under the chandelier of a thousand stars and have seen them illuminate a-fire with passion. His Jade green eyes are orb round and dart constantly, they never miss a beat in the most effortless way possible. They gleam with pleasure and the vigour of youth.

“Mr Styles, I am reading. What are you doing?” I raise a brow, strangely curious about what he is doing in my garden, although, I am not complaining— his presence is invariably welcoming and gracious— his appearances are just a bonus. He is brawny with this roguish smile that is darling and incredibly hard to resist.

“What are you reading, Mrs—”

“Eleanor,” I correct him, giving him a scanty nod to confirm nobody is around.

He clears his throat, “Eleanor, what are you reading?” He challenges while keeping his attention undividedly on me, almost as if he is holding onto every word that is about to descend from my lips.

I hold my book up to reveal to him the title, “Message in a Bottle, by Nicholas Sparks.”

“What’s it about?”

I think for a moment, abruptly coming to a realisation about the context and the characters of the book… “This lady is pulled by emotions she doesn’t thoroughly understand when she first finds a message in a bottle.. She begins a search for this man that I think will change her life... I haven’t finished reading it.”

How fascinating it is to interpret the words of a book that holds more personal meaning between the lines than anyone could possibly imagine. Theresa stumbles across a note in a bottle, dedicated to a man's late wife Catherine. Immediately, Theresa becomes cognizant of a love that is felt by the man who wrote it, wary of romance since her husband shattered her trust, the message raises questions that intrigue her. It appears to be a story that resonates with my profound hopes for discovering that special someone and everlasting love.

Ironic, how I am perching here lost in my own garden while reading a book about a lost love that one day may or may not be ascertained… To get my answers— I will have to keep reading—until then.. Everlasting love is just something people read about in novels and settle into the trap of nonexistence.

“Hm. ‘If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her—then don’t let her go’.” Harry recites a section of the book I remember specifically, mainly because in the moment I was sat up in my bed reading the book, my heart fluttered slightly at the words and the idea of being someone's anchor, being the person that someone doesn’t want to or let go of.

I glance up at him and I cock my head to the side, rather intrigued that he reads — and romance novels at that— he’s a mystery of a man, and a man of very few words. Intriguing, delightful and seems to be a puzzle that is wanting to be put together but missing a few pieces... a bit like myself.

There are numerous questions I want to ask the man in front of me, mysteries that’ll show me a side of him that I don’t believe he has bestowed to many people, but that’s the problem... I don’t want to overpower him to show me himself... I want him to show me on his own. Although it is already driving me insane, I think the wait will be well worth it, in the end, intriguing men like Harry are hard to come by.

I want to dance through his thoughts and hold onto every lining of words that leaves his lips.

“Harold, do you not have work to do?” I challenge, unaware of his obligations for the day.

He shakes his head, “No, ma’am, I came to ask if you needed me.”

Well, of course, I require him, his presence alone is worth a thousand words; he has a dashing personality and a cosmic smile— how could I not need that around me?

“I do,” I nod, “would you like to take a walk with me?” I offer while I mark my page and stand on my feet, his eyes once again catching my attention. How flawlessly they gleam today.

I can not make Harry open up to me and tell me what it is I seem to have a hankering for, but I can I subtly dig until my heart's content. There’s something about him that is alluring and possess me to want more– to know more. I want to understand what lies behind the gorgeous grey eyes that glisten a darker shade of emerald when they’re deep in thought. I want to grasp what dances through his thoughts when he’s all alone at three in the morning. I want to acknowledge what lines the edges of this perfect looking man that I know has a few rigged edges somewhere down the line. I want to know his obscurest thoughts, his precious desires and more importantly, I want to grasp what laces the love that harbours inside him.

With eyes as intense and spellbinding as lodestars, that bewitch all those who surrender under his steady gaze, he agrees with my proposal. Harry eases beside me with a leonine poise while I take the lead down the small path, taking us further from the house but deeper into the Eden-green garden of heavenly desires that drips with thorns.

The further we wander along the cobbled path, the further distant the weeping chorus of the waterfall becomes. I inhale the sweetness of cherry blossoms and the caramel soft scent of flowers in the breeze while we walk side by side each other— the two of us not needing to say a word to allow the blood in our veins to hum loudly.

“May I ask a question?” Harry breaks the silence that was lingering between us and I hum my response while nodding my head. “Of all the things you could do, you’re sitting alone reading, why?”

“Of all the things you could do, you’re walking with me, why?”

“Eleanor,” he chuckles, “as much as I love your sarcastic demeanour, I asked you first.”

I give him a simplistic shrug. “Sometimes I’d rather sit solely and read about a love, than to sit in a house where love is common only on paper. I read in the garden because it evens out the tragedies.”

He raises a sly brow with complexity intertwined between his lips. “Tragedies?”

“All great love stories have a tragedy at some point— just as all gardens have roses with thorns– it’s the beautiful things in life that can hurt the most, Harold.” … “Just like when summer falls to Autumn most of the autumn leaves are hellhound-red in colour; although, breathtakingly beautiful— they’re still dying.”

"Is that how you see your love story?" Harry's interrogation immediately etches its way onto my skin and burns me to my core. "Although breathtakingly beautiful, still dying?" his voice is sweet sounding despite his question cutting me to the core and stripping me of everything I conceal.

I wouldn't say my love is breathtakingly beautiful, but that thing is dying and descending like autumn leaves on their route to a burning hell.

"Perhaps," I shrug, "I don't know how my love story ends, I have to take it chapter by chapter. What about you, what is your story with love?"

"Couldn't tell ye' what love truly is... well, I could, but I have never felt it."

"Tell me," I instruct as we reach another point in the garden that is designed for relaxing with a small book. I take a seat on the stone bench and he takes the seat beside me.

I'd love to know Harry's thoughts on love. We all have different thoughts, meanings and understandings of this thing called love.

Harry clears his throat for a moment before commencing to converse, "Love is knowing that you aren't perfect for them but they're perfect for you, it is like opening a fresh jar of strawberry jam and inhaling the sweet scent that feels all too familiar. Love is finding a home in someone that fills you and speaks to your soul. Love is presenting yourself to someone, giving them your insecurities, your flaws and trusting them to hold them with care. Love is finding your purpose in someone and loving them more than life itself. Love is that giddy feeling inside that can't be described." ... "It's like that first breath of the morning air the second you step outside on a winter morning, refreshing, calming and filling.

I am surprised by his intent detail of love and the way he attempts to describe it, for a man that is of few words, he has a fair bit to say about something he assumes he has yet to feel.

To me, love is similar to a waterfall that radiates an artistic Atlantis-blue. It pours aloft the foundations and at its widest point, it surges and dives down toward an elegant serenity-pool at the bottom. It is veneer clear- even the depths are vodka clear.

*** ***

“Hmmph, what would you know about loans and debts,” Harry mutters in an afflicted tone, grumpiness being something that semi-suits him.

I raise a brow, somewhat taken back by the fact he doesn’t think I’m aware of the hardship people face. “Harry, don’t you think you’re just assuming?”

He scoffs, “Doesn’t seem like you are in debt, Eleanor. You’re swimming in more money than I could imagine, all I’m swimming in is a debt from uni.”

“Oh, how little you know. I didn’t always have this lifestyle, Harry.”

"Tell me then."

"No." I shake my head standing to my feet, a little disheartened by his outlook on me, I thought he of all people would think differently of me.

Perhaps, he is just like the others, an outsider who believes they see in, when really, they only observe what they aspire to recognize.

I step away without a word and I am astounded when the supple touch of his fingertips grasp my wrist ever so affectionately. "Eleanor, I shouldn't have assumed."

"No, you shouldn't have," I shake my head, "But, I should have known better than to think any different of you. I should have known better than to think you weren't like everyone else who assumed I was someone I wasn't."

"Eleanor, I am not like everyone else."

"Mhm, whatever you say, Harold."

"I'm not," his voice increases and his pitch heightens imperceptibly, something about it making me wonder whether me labelling him like the others has scarred his heart insignificantly.

I raise a brow and gawk at him for a moment while I mildly take my wrist away from the tender grip of his hand, "prove it," I cock my head to the side, gazing into his ridescent, malachite-green eyes.

Taciturnity grows between us and quivers abruptly tremor through my spine the moment his hand brushes the edge of my cheeks and I feel the world sweep away from me along with my breath. His lips caress to mine.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. Five Mississippi.

And he’s kissing me. Once, twice, and I can't help but savour the taste he is conceding, a taste that I'll nevermore have enough of. I can't get enough of the soft edges of his lips caressed against my own. Abruptly, he’s everywhere, my mouth, my thoughts, my throbbing veins and my soul. He's kissing me sweetly, gradually and with an urgent necessity, one I’ve never grasped before.

Every square inch of my body dissolves into his, melting like radiant waves, crumbling in the most beautiful way conceivable.

I never knew I was competent of this impromptu persuasion, raging fire-breathing within my soul....

If this is what being alive feels like, I never want to stop.

#harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfics #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfictions #harry styles writing #Harry styles imagines #harry styles prompt #harry styles prompts #imagine harry styles #harry styles blurbs #harry styles blurb #harry styles fluff #harry styles preference #harry styles preferences

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vinyllovingluddites-blog · 7 years ago

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Women In Music Series Part 1: An Interview with an Inspirational Young Artist - Claudia Vega

Photo: Claudia Vega and her band playing live on board Tamesis Dock, London 6/3/18

Hello and welcome back to the Vinyl Loving Luddites blog! Katie and I have been away for a while but we are back with a bang - in this post we interview the wonderfully talented Claudia Vega. Claudia is an artist to watch out for and is one of the leading lights on the burgeoning Spanish music scene along with the likes of Hinds, Los Nastys and The Parrots. Claudia is hoping to release her debut album very soon but for now she has a number of songs available online, most notably the emotional “Mom” and recent single “All of My Freedom” - check out the beautiful video here.....

youtube

Katie and I first saw Claudia supporting Hinds at the Sebright Arms in London on 29th January 2018 and we were both enrapt by her performance. We saw her again on Tamesis Dock in March and a couple of weeks before that in February we got a chance to chat with her about her influences, her writing, her views on women in music, social media and much much more.....

Photo: Claudia at Sebright Arms, London 29th January 2018

Claudia on her creative process…

Dan: Hello there, Claudia! Welcome to the Vinyl Loving Luddites!

Claudia: Hello!

Katie: Thank you so much for being with us today! First question: who was your biggest artistic influence growing up?

Claudia: I mean, it’s a very easy question because I was such a Bob Dylan fan. I knew all of his songs by heart, even though I didn’t understand the lyrics. That’s also how I kind of started to learn English. As soon as I heard him I was very much into him. Neil Young, James Taylor, Carole King, Karen Dalton, and some Spanish music as well. Flamenco is crucial in my development as a musician, although that came later. But yeah, I would say that the biggest, biggest influence was Bob Dylan. The importance he gave to the lyrics it really resonated with the kind of music I wanted to make. It felt like I could relate to him, in so many senses. I would have to say him. Later, I started listening to a lot more music, so I have plenty of influences, it’s really hard to say but Bob Dylan remains the most important.

Katie: We could hear that in your gig last week (Sebright Arms, Hackney London), just the chord changes...

Dan: Just the style, absolutely...

Claudia: He really helped me, I also really like literature and poetry, I read quite a lot, so to see Bob Dylan integrate such complex imagery into his music so naturally, that really resonated with me.

Dan: It’s a very interesting era that, as well, all the creativity in the 60’s and the early 70’s, like you mentioned with Neil Young, so much was happening at that time.

Claudia: Absolutely. For me, I felt the need to search for new ways of communicating my emotions. I did this in a very visceral way, I just really wanted to say the things that I had to say. And all those musicians didn’t just say them but claimed them - that’s what I wanted. From there, I started to develop my own kind of music.

Katie: I noticed that with your song about your mum, (”Mom”), that it’s so visceral, so from the heart and unadulterated, like there’s nothing sugar coated. I also love how you write with different languages. I noticed some French in there, some Spanish and English, and those very bared emotions: I feel like you’re carving out your own space and style.

Claudia: Yeah, I write many songs crying. At least five of my songs, I wrote them crying and it takes me sometimes hours of just singing and crying with my guitar. I feel like if I can’t feel the song, I can’t make people feel. So sometimes I have to wait a lot, it’s not like songs happen. I mean, sometimes, yeah, but other times you need to work hard in order to find the song. Sometimes it’s like you’re waiting and suddenly it’s like things come together and you start feeling the song really deeply- it may not lead to a great song, but it’s the most magical experience. Or, you can be really feeling a sentence, and from that sentence you develop the whole song. The fact that I write in three languages is mainly because my life happens in three languages. Like, I don’t speak any language very well...

Katie: Your English is better than my English...

Claudia: Well, with my boyfriend I speak in French because I’ve always studied in French and I’ve grown surrounded by French culture. Also, my family is Moroccan so they all speak French, like we always mix French and Spanish. With my parents, my brother, I speak in Spanish. And I’ve been living here (the UK) for four years, so with my friends, the music I listen to, everything is in English. So, it just feels more honest singing in three languages- if it wasn’t more honest, I wouldn’t do it. But I feel like, the things that I want to talk about happen in different languages, so if I want to convey the meaning fully, then it has to be in different languages. Sometimes not, sometimes it’s just English because sometimes it’s easier to write in English and it comes lightly and that’s sometimes what I need.

Claudia on her emotional process…

Katie: It seems like your process can sometimes be very frustrating when you’re like ‘Come on! I want to write a song this side of Christmas’ but then it also seems very therapeutic. Would you say it’s a purging of emotions for you?

Claudia: I think at the beginning, for sure. When I started it was about getting out what I had inside, but right now...it’s a more delicate process than just a cathartic purge of emotions. That doesn’t mean that I don’t put a big input of emotion into the songs, it’s just that it becomes more about the story behind and that makes that I am able to speak about a lot more things. It’s not only introspective anymore, which I like better. I feel like I have more control now. The lyrics, for instance, can be more interesting, I put more thought into them. How I write now, is definitely better than before. But I still have that kind of... (laughs) writing, I don’t know why, it just breaks me, it just breaks me into tears, I don’t know why!

Dan: So I get the impression that the lyrics come to you first and the music afterwards, am I right?

Claudia: Well, I don’t think I’m a very good writer if I have no music to write upon. I think it’s a very different thing to write upon silence. When you’re confronted to a blank page, you know, you can feel lonely… but when you write upon music, it’s like there’s someone accompanying you all throughout the process. You’re generally talking about yourself when you write, so having music is like having another person speaking to you. I wouldn’t be able to write without the music, so I feel like it comes together. But for sure, if I don’t have good lyrics, I don’t like the song. I think I have less of an ear for the musical structure, whereas for the lyrics and the melodic structure I feel more comfortable. I think it’s important to think about the lyrics, they are enriching, they have so much power.

Claudia on Aha moments…

Dan: Wow, you know your process so well. The next question is, did you ever have an ‘aha!’ moment that made you want to become a professional musician?

Claudia: For sure, for sure... I remember that when I started uni, in the back of my mind I thought ‘you can always be a musician’, which is strange because people think ‘I want to be a musician, but I’ll do uni first as a sort of security’. I think for me it was more like I liked (and still do) so many things, but my security was music. I think about how I want to be a musician every second of my life so...I just didn’t have any doubts. Like art in general, but music was always like...my thing.

Katie: So what did you study, out of interest?

Claudia: Arts and sciences. It’s an interdisciplinary degree, where you choose a major and a minor, it’s great because you can choose every single module, it’s a lot more organic, you’re interests as a person change and your degree adapts to that. No two people study the same. I would recommend that degree to everyone.

Dan: Wow, that’s amazing that you can choose all the way through…

Katie: Which uni was that at?

Claudia: UCL.

Katie: Wow! I don’t think I would’ve gotten into UCL in the first place!

Claudia: I have no idea of how I got in, either!

Dan: It was my first choice and I missed the grade by one mark, so I went to Westminster uni and did law there, right round the corner...but well done you!

Claudia: I managed to fake it, I don’t know how! I didn’t even speak English.

Katie: That’s so cool! But it’s so interesting that music was your security first…

Claudia: Well I didn’t even sing well. I mean, I sang really, really badly. I had a terrible ear (I still do). But I had a sense that I could write music, even more than being a good musician, or something, it was about the writing process, or the composition process. I had a sense that, I could do that very naturally. You know when have a sense for something? It just felt like that for me.

Katie: So, from when you were a teenager?

Claudia: Yeah, since I was twelve.

Katie: Wow, so that was your ‘aha’ moment; as well…

Claudia: I fought for my guitar so much, I was asking to my parents every day for a guitar and because I wasn’t good at piano, they were like ‘no guitars in this house’ and then eventually I got it and everything started from there.

Photo: Claudia at Sebright Arms, London 29th January 2018

Claudia on Hinds…

Dan: So when you were younger, did Ana (from Hinds) goad you on? You mentioned you were friends growing up…

Claudia: We met in a theatre group, we did drama together...our stories were similar growing up. I mean, she’s a little older than me, so I was like her little sister… and now she’s much more than my friend, she’s really my sister. It wasn’t like she was goading me towards music, I already wrote music when Hinds started. I like being an aspect of her life that isn’t very closely related to Hinds; we are a safe space for each other. That also makes it more beautiful whenever our paths musically cross, because it’s more special, and we can have perspective on each other’s work. When she started with Hinds, I was her biggest fan! But it’s as if she starts anything else in her life, I will always be her biggest fan because I just feel I understand where she’s going and she understands where I am. It’s just about trusting everything she’ll do will be worth it. I think it’s the same from her side. I wanted to do music but just independently from everything, and when she started with Hinds, of course, I saw that it was possible and they are, of course, such a big inspiration...that you can actually make it, even if you are from Spain. I will be inspired by anything she does at any point in her life.

Katie: You mentioned before we started the tape, the director Pedro Almodovar and the movement, I’m going to pronounce it wrong, La Movida, and about that being a big explosion of activity, how would you say that inspired you?

Claudia: I think everybody that is into music, especially rock music in Spain, is in a way inspired by La Movida because it was after the dictatorship of Franco. Many bands and just creative moves started to emerge in Madrid. I think it was a liberating time, fighting for freedom and finding new means of expression. I think interesting musical forms and bands were created at that time and my uncles were one of the most emblematic bands of the movement. I really grew up in a musical environment. My parents love music and they got to meet so many musicians as teenagers, it’s crazy: Graham Parker, Nick Lowe, Ian Dury, The Ramones, Brian Ferry, Jam, Flaming Groovies etc. and of course they introduced me to their music since very early on. My mum is a photographer, she took many pictures of that time and she has just published a book of unreleased pictures of Nacha Pop (my uncles’ band) and they’re amazing! She’s also taken most of my pictures, shot with me my music videos, etc.

Dan: Those bands back then, a lot of the music doesn’t sound dated at all. You can see today, that people are digging for inspiration...which is really interesting. I think our parents’ generation didn’t have that much to go back on, but for us there’s so much more.

Claudia: I mean, we’re so lucky now that we can access so much music, it’s just so easy, so I feel like it’s ingrained in us, in everyone, right? Everyone that has liked music since an early age has in a way fed from those bands.

Claudia on scenes…

Katie: Actually, one of the questions is, and I might skip to it just because it fits in with this, but the question of scenes, and how do you find the London scene? It gets mixed reviews! I’ll hand it over!

Claudia: For me, I find that it’s so big, that it’s almost impossible for me to have a sense of what the London scene is. I go to so many gigs in London, World music, rock bands,... It’s incredible, it’s, no doubt one of the best things of my time London, being able to go to all those gigs. At the same time, I miss having a sense of what is going on, I always feel like I’m missing out. I don’t know if we can speak of a scene, maybe there is one and I just don’t know about it! But sometimes you can get lost in the amount of different music there is. It’s fantastic, you get to see different things and it encourages new musical forms and emerging musicians. I think every country should respect music as much as the UK; including Spain! If you don’t have an LP out, in Spain, it’s really hard to play gigs, or simply to get help from promoters. Here, I remember, the day I decided I wanted to play a gig, I played a gig.

Katie: I think the pace can change quite quickly in London, so if you know a little group or a certain cohort of people that’s great, but as a musician, if you duck out of the scene for a couple of years, you can come back and they’ve all moved on. For me, London recycles itself quite quickly, that’s why I was interested to ask the question…

Claudia on women in music…

Dan: This is one we’re both really interested in: how do you see the music industry changing in terms of its approach to women?

Claudia: I don’t think I am part of the music industry, at least not yet. I am unsigned, I don’t feel like I can speak about the industry much. But I’ve seen it a lot with Hinds and with a lot of female musicians. One thing I get a lot after the gigs, I don’t know why, is the question: “who writes the songs?”, everyone thinks women are not able to write music. We are able to perform, we are able to sing; but the music, we have to sing the music that guys write for us. And to that question I really wonder: “have you listened for a second to my lyrics? Because they’re extremely personal, like it’s impossible to ask me that question! No man in the world could write the lyrics that I’ve written”. The way women are introduced into the music industry is sexist in itself, everything is. I think women need to stay true to themselves, do whatever the fuck they want to do, because otherwise nothing will change… There are so many ideals of femininity imposed on women: either being too feminine is not being a feminist, or being non-feminine, is not being a new-wave feminist and when you are on stage you are more vulnerable to that. I think women should make as much music as possible, find our own language, one that does not copy a long tradition of man-made discourse, but one that truly speaks to us. It took me a lot to consider that I could write music being a woman. I was always a groupie of my boyfriends; even though, I played better and spent a lot more time writing songs, but I was always on the other side of the stage. I know so many women and teenagers that have a lot to say; I think everyone should have the same opportunity to express themselves.

Katie: Amen, amen! It pisses me off so much! I repeat, it pisses me off.

Dan: It pisses us all off!

Katie: Like, I would play a gig and a guy would come up to me in all sincerity and say ‘do you know what, you’re great! You can sing and play at the same time!’ Because most women can either sing, or they need a guy to play the guitar for them. Or they’d say ‘who’s song was that?’ and I’d say ‘my song’. But they actually think they’re complimenting you, and I’m like, are you on meth? What are you smoking? How can my ovaries get in the way of these strings? It pisses me off because it’s a space, isn’t it. It’s a masculine space. Dan’s exempt because he’s a feminist, but it’s like manspreading on a train, but with music and art. If my ovaries don’t stop me playing the cello, or if they don’t stop me playing piano then why would they stop me playing in bands? What pisses me off the most is that the rationale doesn’t need to have a rationale. It doesn’t need to be rational because that’s just the status quo.

Claudia: Yeah, yeah. But it’s a different way of writing music, like women have different rhythms, we just create different music, imagine how enriching it would be to finally listen to all the voices that have been silenced. I want every woman that is making music now to be listened...it’s just going to be so enriching! It’s gonna be great!

Katie: We’re gonna take over!

Dan: It’s interesting to me, as I think most of the bands which we tend to like are either female-fronted or female singers, and it’s the fact that, very much with Hinds as well, like ‘here we are! We’re gonna play our music, we are who we are’ and that’s how everybody should be, whether they’re a guy or a girl, really, at the end of the day. But I’ve seen a lot more female artists come through from electronic music recently, like Shura, Kelly Lee Owens, so hopefully we’ll see more female fronted bands.

Katie: Well yeah, I love how new movements are coming about. Like a few weeks ago, we saw you support Hinds at the Sebright Arms, and a few months before that, we saw the band Dream Nails at the Dalston Victoria, who are linked with Sisters Uncut, the political movement to end the Tory government’s ruthless cuts to women’s services, so it feel like at the moment, with all this bullshit in the world, there are pockets of resistance sprouting, so it should be a really exciting time to be a woman in music.

Claudia: We can totally point out the bullshit, it’s so visible. I mean, I mentioned so many male influences when I was growing up, but I feel like now, most of the bands I listen to are female, or female fronted.

Katie: This is our one year anniversary of seeing Tegan and Sara! They played the Roundhouse this day today last year, Galentine’s day…

Claudia: I love how you guys keep track of your gigs! You are like, ‘it’s been ten days since we saw Hinds’

Katie: Seriously, we have the same brain. I think we’re a little bit on the spectrum, aren’t we?

Dan: Yeah, yeah.

Photo: Claudia on board Tamesis Dock, London 6th March 2018

Claudia on multi-lingual artists…

Katie: We love it. You mentioned that there’s so much to go and see...but is there something that you’re excited for? Your gigs, or anyone else’s?

Claudia: I’m going to see Ibeyi at the end of the month, they are incredible. They are twins, half Cuban, half French and they sing in Yoruba, Spanish and English, and they’re amazing. And then, well I have a couple of gigs: on the 6th March I am playing on a boat! I’m so excited! You can’t imagine!

Katie: That’s very cool! How are your sea legs?

Claudia: I throw up as soon as I get on a boat (laughs)! But I think it’s steady… I’m really excited for that gig because I’m playing with my band, which is, well, I usually play alone. When I play in Spain, I always play alone, but this gig is in London so they’re here! I also haven’t played in London for a while, so I’m really, really excited.

Dan: Wow, we’ll come along!

Katie: My sea legs are rubbish, but I’ll make sure I stand close to the side.

Dan: Yeah! The next question is, if you could go back in time and give your fifteen year old self some advice, what would it be?

Claudia: I guess it would have to be about how... you can actually make it. Big plans always feel too ambitious, but I think the biggest they sound the more you should go for it, because you will, for sure, learn more on the way than expected. Everyone scares us, saying it’s too risky, but then we never learn about ourselves if we don’t take risks. Katie: That’s brilliant advice. Claudia: I think, just trusting and staying true, which is really hard sometimes. Listening to yourself and not getting bombarded by so much information or jealousy, wanting to be someone else, or wanting to be things that you’re not. You should always stay true to yourself and make the most of it because then you’re going to be truly happy. Also playing music a lot, because it’s a really good feeling. Like, thank God it exists! Music is the best thing in the world. Listening to a lot of music, just absorbing, listening to other people. Stealing from other people’s point of view (laughs)!

Katie: ‘Steal Like an Artist’, by Austin Kleon

Claudia: I think Picasso said something like that…

Claudia on developing self-trust…

Katie: What’s your top tip to keep on trusting yourself? Because self-doubt… everyone has it, but particularly artists. The little angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. Do you have a top tip on how to not listen to the doubts?

Claudia: I listen to my doubts so much (laughs)! I always do, like one moment I feel great and empowered about my music (like when I’m on stage); but then all of a sudden I break. Especially because I do everything alone: I play alone, I write alone, so, you just keep going. I doubt myself a lot: I always angrily ask myself: ‘why do you think you are different?’. On stage I generally feel great: I love it, I’m very receptive to the audience, even if it’s a small gig I like bringing the people close to me and I feel like speak truly when I’m on stage, so when it comes out of my mouth, I don’t doubt it. I’m happy and I trust what I do.

Dan: I think we got that impression very much so when we saw you at the Sebright a few weeks ago, you very much drew us in and really playing close attention to the lyrics and the sound and the vibe.

Claudia: I could see your faces so clearly!

Katie: Your music was so beautiful and so captivating! It was kind of like a massage! A massage for the soul, like when you’re a kid and there’s someone tracing shapes on your back in assembly and you just drift off…

Dan: That’s just the power of music, which has amazed me since I was very little, it could be any genre and something will hit you and you don’t necessarily know why but you want to listen to these songs again and again and again, because they give you comfort, or they give you inspiration, or help you relax, or empower you. You can hear what’s influencing them and you go on a musical journey, as well.

Katie: We went on a musical journey as well...we’re really lucky, because we always get there early because we’re always coming from work, so we always see the support. Like the other week when we saw you at the Sebright – one of the things that really surprised me was that all the acts were really thanking us, for being there! But I was like, ‘do you guys realise that these tickets are the hottest tickets?’ Everyone that didn’t get one is really pissed off! You don’t have to thank us, we have to thank you! It’s an interesting dynamic…

Claudia: But I think a very important part of being an artist is to be thankful. Without you guys, things don’t happen, you also give it more meaning – audiences make you discover a lot more about your music. It’s as important to have people supporting music as to have people creating. I think you should be thanked individually, for going to the gigs, for listening to music in your house. To see yourself reflected in someone else is the biggest thing you can imagine.

Claudia on social media…

Dan: I’ve got a question which isn’t on the list but which kind of links into it – one of the ways over the last few years which I’ve connected with artists is definitely through social media, and the fact that you have that relationship between the artist and the fan-base, I feel you can interact, it’s like ‘yeah, I’m really connecting with you guys as well’. From the artist’s point of view, how does this seem to you?

Claudia: That’s a good question – I feel really connected to many people that follow me on social media, I don’t have many followers but I get a lot of feedback and messages! I get many opportunities from social media as well. Photographers, or just people coming to the gigs. Social media can be very dangerous and absorb you. You compare yourself all the time and very easily; but it’s just a number and then it’s like, ‘oh my God, I’m so small compared to this other person that plays the guitar!’ But at the same, it’s great because you can connect with so many people, it’s like with you! If I hadn’t met you at the gig, you lose contact, you know? I think it’s important to keep it as a safe space, and just to keep people informed of what you’re doing – if they follow you, you should give something in exchange. And I think that’s valuable.

Katie: Like we say, Dan and I are ‘Luddites’, as in we only like vinyl and things that have got one button, and it’s really interesting for us having been to uni in the 90’s/early Noughties ~showing our age a bit, here~ but you didn’t even use a computer for your essays, you could type them if you wanted, but you handed them in, and I remember the introduction of facebook, then I remember Myspace, and then that died, then everything else sort of…

Dan: Twitter, Instagram…

Katie: Yeah, and I nearly just said ‘my generation’ which makes me sound like such an old woman, but people who are pre-Millenial, people like me, a part of me really struggled! I remember when Twitter first came out & I was like ‘ahhh man! What’s this? Why do I need one of these?’

Claudia: It’s crazy, no? To think about it when you haven’t grown up with it…

Katie: Exactly, and all my friends who were about ten years younger than me were saying, ‘well, that’s where people will expect to find you! You have to have that, and you have to have a facebook page and invite people to like you’, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. I don’t mind if people like it of their own accord, that’s cool! And I don’t know if it’s something about our generation or what, but asking for stuff? I was dying a bit inside my soul...but then it’s really important for promotion…

Claudia: It does really feel you don’t exist if you don’t have it. You’ve got to keep it going, like all the time.

Dan: It’s really interesting as well, because I can see a lot of the artists that are a little bit older than us now, like Nerina Pallot, have a love-hate relationship with social media, but quite often she comes on she’s really interactive. Also, the guy from XTC, Andy Partridge, I tweeted that I’d watched this really interesting documentary and that I was getting into his music now on vinyl, listening in order, and he said ‘Cheers Daniel, thanks for that! I hope you enjoy the journey!’ So it’s really nice that even people who are much older, in some cases like our parents’ age are getting into it now.

Claudia: Yeah! Everyone is on some kind of social media now, it’s crazy.

Claudia on starting out…

Dan: This is kind of linking back to the previous question as well – what advice would you give to someone starting out now?

Claudia: I think it’s so hard that you need to be obsessed with it! It takes a lot of work and interest in music, but also knowing the environment...the times you’re living in. You can be very successful not being a great musician. There are many examples of incredibly successful musicians who aren’t great musicians, but they just know the people...they know the times they are living in. I think you should just be aware that sometimes it’s not that beautiful. Sometimes you just like music and you just like making music because you love music, and that can be ruined when it becomes an obligation. You just need to want to do it, despite the risk of losing a part of the magic, for gaining magic in another sense.

Katie: Magic exchange! It seems like in the 90’s it was completely different, you needed to have an A&R person, you needed to do so many gigs as a support act. Now it’s so much more digital and you also need to know how to market yourself, so...you kind of need to be an expert in branding, as well…which for me is a little frightening, but that’s okay...

Claudia: Totally, you need to be an expert in marketing.

Claudia on the big questions…

Dan: So, we’ve got two more questions for you now, so no biggie, but what’s the key to conquering the world? What needs to change right now?

Claudia: I think it’s not wanting to conquer the world; most approaches to leadership are completely bullshit from my point of view. It’s about finding your own path, not doing what everyone does. I think it’s more interesting to conquer your world, than the world..., it’s a lot more real, just harder ;) You need to fight for your own truth.

Katie: I guess if you create your own path, you can decide on the limits of it. You can dictate the pace… And how to cure the world, as well, which I didn’t write down because I thought ‘No, that’s too big!’

Dan: But at the same time, I think the state of the world sparks a lot of creativity as well...All this really bad stuff happens, but at the same time people are doing their own thing in order to go against the status quo of what’s happening at the moment, trying to find a way forward for the future, and that’s reflected in the music...and it kind of comes back to that post-punk scene, of late Seventies/early Eighties, of people trying to find their way out to rebel against what was going on...and finding your own space to do your own thing. That’s reflected in bands like Hinds as well: ‘this is us – take us as we are, this is what we want to do’. So it’s interesting to see how, not necessarily the music industry, but bands and artists are reflecting that…

Claudia: Yeah, I think it’s also important that bands that aren’t English-speaking bands feel like they can conquer a sort of music scene. There is a lot of people in the world doing incredible things in other languages. So I think there should be a shift, as well, in that sense.

Katie: I feel like since I’ve discovered Spanish-speaking bands, I feel it’s shifting already, but maybe that’s just my little bubble of London…and it’s such a welcome change because honestly, English has such a monopoly, and that’s such a shame that it dominates the mainstream, and that so many people are told to compromise and sing in English and I think it’s really powerful when they don’t.

Claudia: If it’s shifting for you then that means something. I’m going to see a band that sing in Yoruba which is a religion in Cuba, that derives from a religion in Nigeria and it takes many shapes in South America, and it’s a very ancient language and it sounds beautiful. It sounds really beautiful.

Claudia on ambition & pressing to red vinyl…

Katie: I should have put this as the main ambition, do you just want to keep going for the moment or do you have a plan like, ‘in ten years’ time, I want to have achieved X,Y or Z’?

Claudia: I want to be able to write music forever. I want to keep evolving as a musician, as much as I can. I want to go as far as possible, but for now, I really want to release the album I’ve recorded because it’s beautiful, so I think that’s going to be a big stepping stone…because I just have one song released, and it’s already taken me pretty far.

Katie: Wow! Will there be an album launch party?

Claudia: For sure! Always a party! For everything a party! I’ll invite everyone!

Dan: It’s so exciting, to hear all of this, it’s like you’re on the cusp of releasing all this music and you appear super excited, even from your gig at the Sebright, we were entranced by your music, so count us in…

Katie: Do you want to press to vinyl?

Claudia: Of course! And have a colour!

Katie: Do we get to know?

Claudia: A nice red.

Katie: We love a bit of red vinyl...it’s all about the vinyl now. Do you love vinyl yourself?

Claudia: I love vinyl!

Dan: What’s your favourite one from your collection?

Claudia on her favourite vinyl…

Claudia: Well, I have ‘On the Beach’ by Neil Young, which is a really hard one to get, I struggled a lot to get that one, and I have many, many oldies that I have been getting in Spain and in London. London is such a treasure trove.

Katie: I love it when you land one! My favourite one is David Bowie’s ‘The Man Who Sold the World’, I managed to find that and I was like ‘woooooah’…all your Christmases or something. How about you, Dan? What’s your favourite?

Dan: That’s a pretty tricky question! Yeah...I find it quite hard to pick one, um…

Katie: Sorry, I put you on the spot! You’d need another glass of wine…

Dan: I mean, that XTC one ‘English Settlement’, I was looking for the original but I could only find the reissue and then I found it in Sister Ray back in November. And I really love Joni Mitchell’s ‘Hejira’ album is one of my favourites...I love the artwork. I’ve had to buy more storage at the moment. I love discovering old stuff and new stuff at the same time.

Claudia: I’ll send you guys mine when I get it!

Dan: Thank you so much!

Katie: Cheers! That’s awesome and that’s a wrap! Thank you so much.

Claudia: You’re welcome, thank you for your interest!

Wow - what an amazing talent! We hope you enjoyed reading this as much as we enjoyed interviewing Claudia - and please check out her music! https://claudiavegamusic.bandcamp.com

#claudiavega #spanishmusicscene #sebright arms #tamesisdock #hinds #postpunk #lamovida #allofmyfreedom #vinyllovingluddites #bobdylan #feminism #womeninmusic #losnastys #theparrots

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callalily314159 · 7 years ago

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So... hi

So, I’m here on tumblr again. I haven’t been on this site in years, not since high school. If you’re reading this because you’re still following me, then thanks I guess? If not, then you’re probably reading this because you looked up the tag for what I’m here to talk about. I just went through one of the most harrowing experiences in recent memory, which seems weird for me to say considering I’m talking about a video game, but it’s true. And I just needed to talk about it.

Doki Doki Literature Club

If you recognize that name, if you played it, or even just heard about it, that name probably sent chills down you’re spine. It’s a small visual novel that’s free on steam, and it took the video game world by storm, and much of the surrounding world. Mainly because it’s incredibly horrific.

SPOILERS AHEAD-If you still want to play the game for yourself, you should probably stop reading. Scroll as fast as you can, I’ll try to not put spoilers in bold so you can be on your merry way. This is a long one.

So, for those of you who are still here; because you played the game already, you don’t care about spoilers, or you’re just really curious, let’s get into it.

A few disclaimers

I have actually not played through the entire game myself. Because I didn’t want to. I don’t like horror, at all. I played through the entirety of Act 1, and I have seen other people play Acts 2, 3 and 4. After Act 1, I removed the game from my computer and refused to play more. Because I knew what would happen.

Let’s clear up a few misconceptions about the game first.

There are only two endings.

And neither are good. There’s the Normal Ending, and the “Special” Ending and there’s basically no difference. In the Special Ending, you collect all the pretty pictures, you get a message from the dev, and there are a few minor changes near the end. But that’s it. Sayori still hangs herself at the end of Act 1; Yuri still kills herself and Monika deletes her and Natsuki at the end of Act 2; you still have to delete Monika in Act 3; and Sayori still goes crazy and Monika deletes the whole game in Act 4. There are a couple of small glitchy endings as well, but they are debatably worse. If you want to learn how to get any of these endings, look it up, this isn’t a fucking walk through.

Now if you haven’t noticed, I’m a little upset

From the moment I first saw this game, I knew this was different from any other dating sim. There were some odd moments here and there in Act 1 that make you wonder, but the main thing for me that stood out was that all of the characters feel like real people. I’m not joking. They felt like real people with fears, opinions and flaws, and I actually really loved all of them. And that makes what came afterwards even more heartbreaking and horrifying.

Some notes and thoughts about the characters:

Natsuki

She is debatably the least interesting character, besides the protagonist.She’s a classic tsundere that likes cute things. There’s of course more to her than that, as I stated above, but she’s not particularly un-normal I guess. She has a few complexes and it’s heavily implied her father is abusive, but there’s not much more then that. One thing that caught my attention though, is her second poem. She talks about how people can sometimes be shunned because they like something weird. The way she talks about it suggests she has first hand experience, but there isn’t really anything in the game that suggests what that interest may be. The only thing I can think of is maybe it’s that she likes manga, but that’s not exactly very uncommon. Especially when it’s directly compared to Yuri’s strange habit, which is definitely very strange. This makes me think that there’s more to Natsuki then I’ve found, but maybe I’m just imagining it. Maybe it’s about manga.

Monika

I just... if you really want to know, play the game. In Act 3 when you talk to Monika in her “room” just keep going through the dialogue until you’re bored. You’ll learn everything you want to know and more.

Monika is clearly a very interesting character I just don’t think I could really add anything else.

Yuri

I actually really liked Yuri at first. She wasn’t my favorite, but I did like her a lot. She’s adorable in Act 1, but less adorable in Act 2. I don’t think I’m gonna get into that, but believe me when I say that it’s bad. She’s probably the girl that’s most insane. So instead of talking about what happens in game, I’m gonna share with you a little something that I found out when looking into this game. In the game files, under Yuri’s name is a file that is encrypted. When unencrypted it’s reveled to be an anonymous note from a girl describing how and why she murdered a woman during her first year of college. And the answer to the why is plain curiosity. It’s not explicitly stated that Yuri wrote this note, but that is obviously the conclusion you’re supposed to draw. I’m not entirely convinced that Yuri wrote this, because the writing style doesn’t really sound like her, they’re are some details that don’t really line up with what we know about Yuri, but I suppose they plausibly could.

But I could definitely see Yuri killing a woman out of simple curiosity and that’s the worst part. I don’t know if there’s a name for this or something, but I think there’s this, mental condition I guess you could call it, when you read books or indulge in other forms of fiction way more than you actually talk or interact with real people. You get to the point where real life and fiction feel more or less the same. Real life doesn’t feel anymore real, and fiction doesn’t feel any more fake. And usually you play a superficial part in both, as a passive observer. I know this, because I’m like this. It was really surreal for me reading that note because I resonated with a lot of it, which is weird and disturbing when it’s about a girl planning and committing murder. To be fair though, Yuri is a lot more involved in fiction then I ever was and most of her reading is on the more fucked up side.

Sayori

You might have guessed this, but Sayori was my favorite. She’s just so friendly and adorable and cares so much. And I knew she was depressed. She had a forced happiness about her that was very telling, and I was rolling my eyes at my own character for missing the obvious. I feel stupid thinking about it now, but I thought I could save her. I really did. I though they’re had to be some choice, some path that would let me save her. But there’s not. There was nothing I could do and there’s nothing you can do either. Sayori will always die. That was what I hated most about this game.

I don’t think it was a bad decision, I don’t think the game is ruined because of it. In a very fucked up way it teaches a very harsh but important lesson. Sometimes shit happens, and there was nothing you could have done to change that. Nothing. I’m not a very naive or idealistic person. I don’t think the world is or even can be perfect, and it takes a lot to get to me. You might not believe me after this rant, but just trust me on this. But this fucked me up. In a lot of ways. Ways I can’t even begin to describe.

One more disclaimer for the road

I don’t think this is a bad game. It’s not my favorite game by any means because I don’t normally like things that make me feel like shit. Just wanted to state that this isn’t a hate message towards the game, the dev or people who like the game.

Well, that’s all for me. I need to go make an equation sheet for a test and take a shower. If you got through all this mess, congrats I guess. I hope you found it interesting.

#doki doki literature club #literature club #spoilers #trigger warning

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andranikolayi · 5 years ago

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Gxrls Can’t Mix - misogyny and discrimination in the electronic music world

originally appeared online in Romanian for Revista Cutra

A brief note about this translation

I initially wrote this text in July for Romanian intersectional feminist mag CUTRA and they published it mid September. The focus was supposed to be on events that did take place locally, however, this summer there’s been a constant stream of tweets from female-identified and enby djs/producers about their horrendous Boiler Room experiences.

I wanted to shine a light on that and the endemic kind of sexism that boiler room is constantly facilitating and refuses to take any responsibility towards, as well as share some of the horrors from the Romania scene that nobody wants to talk about because we still live in a very homophobic, racist and sexist environment. As a local queer artist myself, I do believe it is our duty to speak up on these issues even if it may negatively affect our social/professional life. The local community leaders do know what they need to do in order to create safer, more inclusive spaces yet prefer to use a superficially woke discourse that looks good online, yet they would never take direct action or present an unpopular opinion.

Having spoken to Ceci after their Boiler Room and their scary bad experience (including receiving multiple death threats), it became increasingly clear that this text needed to exist in the world. Also running into Lakuti last week in Berlin and hearing how traumatized she still is after her experience playing in Romania, I was all the more motivated to translate it into English and make this available for everyone.

It may be sprawling at times, but I think it’s important to present a translation of the original published material, as it appears on the CUTRA website. Please keep in mind that CUTRA is not a music/dj-specific publication so certain aspects of the industry come with very ELI5 explanations.

First I thought she was just messing with us, but now i m starting to think that this girl doesn’t know what she’s doing

This is boring room not boiler room

Are they trying to put us to bed and broadcasting Schumann resonances?

She would have been better at spinning pizzas than records

Go back to the kitchen!

These are just a select few from the over 2000 comments of the very first Boiler Room live stream taking place in Romania. Said comments appeared on the initial Facebook live post. The event took place in July 2016. At the time of writing this article [na – july 2019], all the comments are still publicly visible on their page.

I could probably write a thesis on misogyny in electronic music, but for this particular piece I’d like to focus on the following question: why do we saying that gxrls can’t mix?

I would also like to ask the follow up questions: should we be surprised that colleagues from the Romanian club industry would say that a female-identified person is a sick DJ but „a little too homely” to play a certain club? Or that another person I used to consider a close friend would tell me during a b2b set that because he just took some MDMA I looked like „a juicy piece of meat” to him? Or how when Electronic Beats Romania did their first feature on local producer Admina and they didn’t even know who to contact from the magazine to moderate the deluge of hateful comments? Or how nobody even bats an eye at the way industry men here always tend to grab you by the lower waist when talking to you in the club as if it were the most natural thing in the world? Try to explicitly say something and you would be instantly labelled an „unchill bitch”.

The answer is a resounding yes. We should be surprised, as well as angry and concerned enough to start actively doing something about this.

Miss I’s Boiler Room

On July 6th, 2016, the promoters behind the Interval event and festival series put together the very first Boiler Room in Romania. For those of you less familiar with the club world, Boiler Room is a platform that organizes events specifically designed to broadcast a live video stream of the club experience. Think DJs mixing or musicians doing live sets, while also making a point in filming the audience and their reactions to the music. Since its inception in 2010, Boiler Room has become a global phenomenon, with immense pull in the industry. The project is equally revered and reviled to the point that there are parody YouTube channels (see People of Boiler Room). For most artists, being on Boiler Room is a make or break moment, sort of like a calling card highlighting your skill as a DJ.

Promoters, fellow DJs, agents and ravers all follow Boiler Room religiously. The platform’s increased popularity and growing volume of videos produced per week may have slightly decreased its influence due to sheer oversaturation, being on BR is still the highlight of many up-and-coming artists’ career. Unlike a mix, the BR videos don’t just physically show off your mixing skills, but they also document the audience’s reaction in real time. Oh, and as a DJ you only get 60 minutes to give it your best. Or, as with Miss I in the following example, you’ve just been asked to open the very first BR broadcast ever from your country. Miss I is one of the most beloved local female DJs, also responsible for opening the first vinyl only record store in Romania and highly appreciated in the minimal/deep house scene, so you know there’s gonna be eyeballs. But no pressure, u do u grrrrl.

For every Boiler Room event, the broadcast is livestreaming on their website and Facebook page. Reading the live reactions on the chatroom and Facebook comments is intricately related to the experience. On that humid summer afternoon in a rooftop garden in Rahova, the comments that started pouring just a few minutes into her set were absolutely shocking. The level and volume of vitriol had greatly surpassed the BR staff’s expectations. About 40 minutes in, the host publicly posted a call out comment.

However, while researching this article, I was surprised to discover that most of said harmful and sexist comments were still up online. There were no attempts on behalf of the BR team to warn or ban users. Hell, there was no moderation. But maybe there should have been.

The Boiler Room Effect

Part I - San Francisco Pride, 2019

This story took place in 2016. We could easily justify what had happened by claiming we don’t like to talk about gender politics at the club or how, generally speaking, the Eurominimal/tech-house scene the event was catering to is notoriously populated by aggro cishet bros who worship Villalobos. Unfortunately (surprise surprise!), this has not been the first, nor the last online scandal Boiler Room has been responsible for.

During the writing process for this material, initially meant to focus mainly on Romanian issues, I started paying attention to the comments on recent BR livestreams. This process, coupled with the increased number of artist friends talking about the backlash in the comments following their BR streams I was seeing on Twitter lead me to believe in the dire necessity of live moderators for the entire BR social media. These comments are not just mean spirited or unfunny trolling, they can be incredibly harmful and have a lasting negative effect.

On June 1st 2019, Boiler Room organized a Pride-related event in San Francisco where an artist I not only appreciate but happen to occasionally work with made their debut. Ceci aka CCL is a DJ, producer, co-founder of queer collective TUF and [at the time of publishing] agent working for Discwoman, an NYC-based talent agency created to boost womxn and non-binary artists. CCL identifies as non-binary and uses only they/them pronouns. Being AFAB and feminine presenting, they are often misgendered due to their presentation, even after clearly stating their preferences.

In the beginning of the video, the host does use their correct pronouns, but most people in the comments were still referring to them by using she/her pronouns. This might seem like a minor inconvenience compared to the bulk of the discourse happening below the stream, mostly comprised of people complaining about the music, ranging from how weird the selection is, whether or not that sound is a faulty cable and how bad their technical skills were. Later Ceci confessed they even received actual death threats. All this was happening at a Pride-related event in one of the gayest cities in the world and with a line-up specifically tailored for the occasion.

Being misgendered is always a bad experience, but when it happens during what is supposed to be a career-defining moment, the effect is even more traumatic. Besides, a torrent of sexist and negative comments cannot have a positive effect on anyone, regardless of their gender or sexual identity. Especially with BR, this only seems to happen when female-identified or non-binary artists are concerned. In CCL’s case, the misgendering may have not been the most atrocious part of the online response, however we do need to start implementing such habits as not assuming one’s gender or choice of pronouns. It may seem like a small step, but it does make a world of difference.

What Boiler Room continuously refuse to do is acknowledge the influence it carries in the industry and the responsibility that comes with that. BR could have avoided causing a lot of damage by simply adding a little blurb about the artist’s preferred pronouns in the description of the Facebook live video, for the users tuning in later or not familiar with their work.

It’s this kind of thoughtfulness and concern for the actual scenes they feature that is consistently lacking from their approach.

Part II - The Sherelle Incident

In March 2019, a different incident took over both the online and offline music discourse – for approximately two whole weeks, all you could see on Techno Twitter were reactions to Sherelle’s Boiler Room. In short, there was clip of a POC female-identified DJ from the UK playing bass and jungle to a packed room going totally berserk until someone from the audience touches the CDJs and the music stops. This unwanted intervention coming from an unidentified hand created a meme-worthy WTF reaction. To nobody’s surprise, this snipped was the one Boiler Room chose to use as their preview advertising her set online. All of a sudden, her startled face in the clip was all anyone could think of, not the incredible atmosphere she created. Yewande Adeniran wrote a thoughtful piece on the implications and how said “accident” took the discourse away from a moment that was supposed to be just about Sherelle and her skills as a DJ.

Following the incident, the Twitter community managed to ID the person who caused the hubbub, who turned out to be infamous UK DJ Riz la Teef, who was also playing the event. Online, he’s been bombarded with accusations of racism and misogyny to the point of having to delete his account. However, a wave of reputed DJs and producers jumped to his defense and justified his action. Keeping in mind that most of what we call Techno Twitter is comprised of people from/who live in North American, their argument was that his unwarranted intrusion was in fact a very common practice from the UK grime/bass culture.

Known as a wheel up or to turn up, it consists on moving the jog (the little CDJ wheelie thingie) to rewind the track playing and increase the hype. It’s traditionally considered a sign of appreciation and supposed to be very flattering when your friends/fellow DJs perform it. Think of it as a hands-on rewind. Only in this case his attempt failed and the only thing he managed to accomplish was create a whole lot of confusion. Plus, they were friends and earlier in the clip you can see him come say hi and hug her. In true Internet fashion, think pieces from major publications followed, educating the poor American kids on the wheel up, as well as photos with the two hugging and making peace, telling everyone it’s time to chill out. As for Sherelle’s part, I’m actually curious what else was she supposed to do than say something along the lines of “OK, fine, let’s move on”? It’s already hard enough to break through in the industry as a queer black woman, the last thing you want to do is be that unchill bitch who can’t take a joke.

Our Daily Misogyny

Going back the shitty things that happened in Romania chapter, I want to talk about an incident that happened in October 2016 at a Queer Night party in Guesthouse. To give you a little context, Queer Night is a series of queer parties, the first of its kind, co-run by local choreographer/dancer Paul Dunca and DJ/singer Cosima von Bulowe for over a decade. Guesthouse is a club mainly associated with the Rominimal/tech-house cult, with a pretty cishet, homophobic audience. However, they occasionally host the odd underground event, like DJ Stingray or Lena Willikens. This particular event was a collaborative effort between Queer Night and the Interval (the people responsible for the Romanian Boiler Rooms – na) curatorial teams, who invited queer womxn DJ couple Lakuti and Tama Sumo to do an extended back to back set. Lerato Khathi aka Lakuti is an incredibly talented DJ from South Africa, who also runs the label and talent agency Uzuri and Tama Sumo has an extensive DJ career and also books for Panoramabar.

As Lerato was mixing, a guy standing in front of the booth reaches towards the turntables and touches the record that was playing and the music glitches. Lerato simply froze for a second but continues to carry on mixing. A few minutes later, said guy suddenly appears behind the booth (access to the booth and the backstage area requires a separate bracelet) and tries to get her attention and starts touching her. In that moment, Tama rushes in and extracts the person from the booth. In spite of his highly inappropriate conduct at event that promotes safe spaces, the security staff refused to kick him out of the club for a fuzzy array of reasons – friends with the owner, being a “house regulars” and my favorite “he didn’t beat up anyone” line. Considering the organizers’ credo and position as community leaders, they could have done more than simply trying to minimize the incident.

The rest of the night went well and their set was lovely, but talking to them the next morning, the entire experience didn’t sound like just a minor incident of a someone being an asshole: Lerato confessed that even though she traveled and played all across the globe, she’s never experienced anything remotely similar.

I’d love to be able to say that these stories are just rare occurrences. Unfortunately, being in the music industry reflects a much more grim reality of endemic sexism. Let me suggest a little exercise – take for example any Boiler Room video on Youtube where there are female-identified performers and within the first dozen comments you might something along the lines of “she can’t mix”, “great selection but her technique is lacking” or “X guy did this so much better in the ‘90s”.

Perhaps we all know by now that commenting on a womxn’s appearance is a no-no. Yet I still constantly hear various industry men making comments that womxn like Peggy Gou or Jayda G only got where they are now just because they’re hot. (How come nobody calls out Marcel Dettman for looking like a model I ask you?). Unlike jabs at someone’s looks which are easy to dismiss as harmful, commenting on someone’s “skill” and “technique” are seemly OK because they refer to an objective (they say) variable, easy to judge and quantify. I ask you this – doesn’t this all sound terribly familiar? Perhaps using the same arguments as those right wing Youtube personalities that post videos with titles such as „X DESTROYS feminists with FACTS and LOGIC”?

Consequences of the systemic sexism are starting to pop up everywhere, from Resident Advisor closing down their comments section due to the amount of harassment related to their recent focus on female artists to the petition against Giegling’s Konstantin. For a quick reminder, German DJ Konstantin used a bunch of “biological determinism” arguments in an interview trying to explain why he believes women don’t have the right kind of brain for mixing. In 2018, Konstantin was booked to perform at three major parties during Amsterdam Dance Event (ADE), a key annual gathering for the electronic music industry. A petition signed by thousands of fellow DJs, music journalists and electronic music artists circulated online to have him blackballed due to his comments and half-assed apology that followed. Unfortunately, the only result was the ADE organizers offering him even more exposure by inviting him to talk about his actions on a live panel.

This kind of discourse is very dangerous, as by accepting and normalizing it we’re offering it unwarranted legitimacy to the point that opinions such as Konstantin’s start being reiterated by the press. After this year’s Movement festival in Detroit (the birthplace of techno), a journalist in a local newspaper writing a piece on the women’s rising visibility in electronic music, cited a “veteran DJ” who claimed women lack the technical capabilities to mix and rely on laptops and software in order to do their job. Despite this not being the author’s argument, he chose to offer a platform to a blatantly misogynistic opinion. These positions are not just wrong and should be called out for their obvious sexism, but perpetuating them in the press further increases their destructive power. The more we will continue to validate them, the more present they will become.

And still, why do we keep saying gxrls can’t mix?

Are girls really all lacking in the rhythm department? Commenting on one’s ability to mix is still one of the most widespread forms of criticism that AFAB and female-identified persons get. Why is it so widespread?

Through mixing, the art that defines the modern dance music DJ, most people understand creating a story through a continuous body of variegated music but particularly having no pause between the tracks. When industry people talk about mixing, they usually refer to beatmatching, which is usually means blending two or more tracks, often of different tempos or keys. The overall tempo of the DJ’s mix can remain constant or experience subtle increases across their set. This style of mixing, using long transitions, no tempo changes and working within the same musical subgenre throughout is particularly appreciated in Eurominimal and tech-house, which is also the most lucrative part of the industry in places like France, Germany and Romania. As many talented DJs have proven over the years, from legends like Larry Lavan or David Mancuso and their cosmic or loft deeply personal, eclectic styles, the perfect blends same tempo school is by no means the only “right” way to think about a dancefloor.

At a time when dance music has exploded into a multi-billion dollar industry, the “perfect mix” paradigm became the dominant style. In this climate, to be a DJ is synonymous with knowing how to mix, otherwise you don’t exist. Or at least that’s the androcentric perspective. And once you frame things like this, the comments on womxn’s “technical skills” stem from the same sexist pool as saying womxn are not good at math/science/driving or other “men’s” activities. After all, they’re just being objective, right? “Oh my god it’s not like I said she was fat or something!”

Mixing is a learned skill that requires practice to be perfected. The portion of the population who is encouraged to learn skills that involve music and technology, who is not discriminated against and has access to often costly equipment (be it controllers, CDJs or turntables) is overwhelmingly cis, straight and male. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the “I don’t have a mix online/nowhere to practice because my ex bf had all the equipment” story. Or gxrls saying they never learned how to mix because they didn’t have access to equipment. Or the supportive “nice guy” story who invites you over to “teach you how to mix” but quickly loses his interest once you reject his sexual advances.

It’s refreshing to see groups like Room 4 Resistance, No Shade or Discwoman not only organizing events, but also putting together free mixing workshops for womxn and non-binary people. People are also trying to change things in Romania, with groups like Corp. or Queer Night trying to tilt the gender imbalance locally, only unfortunately their efforts are lacking the infrastructure, institutional support and ideological consistency.

Where to Now?

We’re in 2019. DJs like The Black Madona, Josey Rebelle or Octo Octa and Eris Drew are some of the most in-demand people in the circuit. They all approach the dancefloor differently and bring unique views of what a DJ set can be. Yet straight white boys are feeling threatened by their success and are constantly looking for arguments to delegitimize their success. “Yeah, but this person is getting booked everywhere just because it’s cool to be trans now” – as if anyone would go through the intense process of forever altering your body just because queer is “in”! “Oh if I had tits I would get more gigs” – another male DJ I used to call a friend told me when I started playing more in Bucharest. I’ve heard phrases like “but why do women only book other women?” or “how can the super talented boys ever breakthrough in this environment if women are getting all the attention?” more times than I can recount.

Straight white boys need to shut the fuck up! For decades, the vast majority of people in charge of running/booking clubs were straight white men who would only book other straight white men. Yes, there we certainly do see more womxn in line ups, but just as female:pressure cares to remind us periodically, the percentage is still predominantly male. The healthiest path towards building a more diverse and inclusive music world is not having the old gatekeepers trying to educate themselves and perform acts of tokenism, but make space for marginalized people in decision-making positions, because nobody could make more informed, coherent and inspired choices than a person who is deeply involved in the community. Just see Discwoman’s Frankie miracle work over at Bossa Nova Civic in NYC. And it is very likely that with the right people running the show, incidents of abuse and harassment will diminish as well.

Womxn have been so used to be touched without consent and constantly harassed that we’ve been programmed to dismiss such indiscretions as minor inconveniences, something that “comes with the territory”. In order to see an improvement of this state of affairs we have to become more radical in our attitudes against sexism and discrimination. We absolutely need to learn to speak up whenever we encounter misogyny, racism, homo and transphobia and, most importantly, believe womxn when they come forward with a story of abuse of boundaries crossing because whenever we brush it off with things like “he was drunk”, “it was just a joke” or “there are two sides to every story”, we become complicit and contribute to this toxic culture.

The good news is that we can all contribute to changing things. And no, you don’t have to go to a march or join an organization if you want to help out. Change starts in your own immediate community by simply calling out your friends when they say something sexist, not supporting the known abusers and problematic people in the industry and just coming out to see one of the local womxn artists.

We will continue to play, to defend the DJ booth as sometimes the only safe space we might have at the club, to record our music however we can and become ten times better than all male DJs who told us we don’t know, we can’t or we “don’t have the necessary biological conformation”. But, most importantly, we’ll keep making people dance.

images, in order of appearance

queer night at apollo 111, 2017

miss i boiler room, 2016

edited screengrab from comments in the miss i boiler room facebook stream

crowd at miss i boiler room, 2016

ccl at rewire, 2019

all photos courtesy of the author

#gxrls cant mix #cutra #boiler room #sexism

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