#is this why i don't have physical dysphoria
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you could argue that we did this sort of, it's a little more complicated.
You see, the reason we maintain our beard and shave it in specific ways is because transformer women often have helms that fill their face in similar ways at the cheeks or with chin armor. That helped the person who has been with this body the whole time fully absolve of herself of any dysphoria by being able to connect her facial her euphorically to a collective gender identity of womanhood of giant metal transforming robots from space since knowledge of the fact there are a lot of intersex human cis women who have facial hair (and intersex people are as common as redheads) wasn't cutting it for xem (hah). we dysphorically regret having to shave our beard recently to fly across the country out of fear of landing somewhere in an emergency where we'd be arrested for 'doing drag' at a public facility.
The reason we say this isn't simply butch per se for us specifically (a human singleton is another matter) is because there isn't an oppositional dynamic between male and female to us. they completely overlap, there's just collective gender assemblage tendencies of components being put together and identified differently (some of our writing mixing alien robot trans material-aesthetic assemblage mixed with gender tackles this, the one that does so most directly so far is our One fanfic. there will eventually be original fiction), the term we use for in our sparktion/hearth/etc. assemblage model that most closely approximates butch is torque, but it is rather different in meaning since it's primarily concerned with the (clash of) momentum literally and metaphorically and not with being masculine (xenogender stuff is fun!). It's also not confined to a physical expression appearance, so helm shapes don't necessarily fit this, and there's no single umbrella for what torque looks like. it's all assemblage, which is very different from the real problem of butch erasure in 21st century human storytelling and history
In addition we've also built up musculature precisely because it is no longer dysphoric anymore to breathe meditatively / heavily when exercising since the chest feels more like how it should, because xey always loved and wanted to emulate the warrior gal vibe (we know this applies much more widely, too, but thought it was worth mentioning), and ultimately that our nervous system now feels so much better exerting strength with HRT than before. but how we dress we think doesn't normally quite fit butch and we recoil at the thought of being more heavily clothed or armored meaning we're perceived as more masculine. the oppositional gender human patriarchy dichotomy is painful to us, we're glad this is changing with a) people understanding how curvy and rounded a lot of armor historically is especially plate, and b) women in armor where sexualization need not mean sacrificing actual armor capacity is becoming more normalized
TLDR you absolutely can be a transfem butch lesbian and we absolutely ended up on a similar but very different route of being torquey zoomdare transfem (taganite) mutualists who will for convenience's sake communicating with other people we share this lovely blue marble with use the terms t4t, sapphic, lesbian, and sometimes butch if we think we have to explain why our gender isn't 'simple' (eugh we hate how reductive that is of binary trans women) but don't think we can get away with explaining xenogender stuff and plurality. unless we are fortunate enough to, I don't know, see our terminology take off or even better that this happens alongside other assemblage models with a growth of a worldwide curiousity and capacity to accept that no one will ever know everything there is to know about gender and orientation so nobody assumes anything of us, takes what we have to say for what it is, asks questions if interested in knowing and knowing us that way, and celebrates what we have in common and what differences we have <3
Is transitioning from male to female to become a butch lesbian a reasonable option?
it is beyond reasonable, it is one of the coolest things you can do on this bitch of an earth
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the realization that while dragon is not my gender, it is my (ideal) sex, is a fun one, as is the supplemental realization that those two things are apparently utterly unrelated for me
#is this why i don't have physical dysphoria#or is it the other way around#who the fuck knows. not me#this came out of me misreading 'ftb presents' in someone's discord status as 'female to bear' for some reason#(i.... think this is true. i don't know exactly what sex looks like for my species. im not sure what the direction of causality is -#- between my species's sex characteristics and my personal ideal sex characteristics. or if they're unrelated mayhaps)#journaling#otherkin#dragonkin#rani talks#gender#otherkin and gender
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I wish I could be agender the way Murderbot is agender. Right down to the lack of biological sexual characteristics. So agender that the term agender comes with too much associated gender to accurately apply. You know what I mean?
#help the dysphoria is kicking my ass again today and everything about me looks and feels wrong#demigirl still feels like it is applicable but also i wish i was more masculine but NOT in that way only THIS way#am i uncomfortable with my curves because of internalized fatphobia? because of the association with being feminine? both?#is it my actual curves themselves or is it the very reality of having a physical body that will be gendered some way no matter what i do?#i hate it I hate all of it#Murderbot#agender#gender#gender dysphoria#body dysphoria#dysphoria#fox thoughts#'maybe if i dress more masculine that will help'#nope no thats still leaning into gender#how do i do both at once so that they cancel each other out?#i don't want to be masculine but i don't want to be female lite⢠either#I don't want to be perceived as having any gender at all and its not fucking possible#fuck i don't even want to deal with pronouns 80% of the time and i don't care for my name either#why does physically existing suck so bad sometimes#â
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thigh dysphoria is so evil
#help#i could work out but#i just dont have the drive for some reason#when i started doing squats it relieved my dysphoria by about 50%#it was such a huge relief#now i've been doing lots of physical work i havent had the motivation to be even more physical#if i don't do that though i feel. abysmal#why does it scare me
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i keep having meltdowns and huge fatigue and I fucking can't do this anymore, so I try to do research on how to get diagnosed with ADHD or Autism in my country, and I just sob harder, bc all the stuff are for "your children" or telling me that France has one of the lowest rate of ADHD/Autsim diagnosis, and that you can lose your right to HRT if you get diagnosed with autism, and that it depends of the doctors you see, and it's mostly in non-rural spaces
Like everyone telling to get a diagnosis when they don't believe me can go fuck themself. Hard. Make the phones calls for me, drive me to Paris, pay the toll bc idk if my insurance can cover it. Take care of me while I recover from the rejections or mockery, dude it's so hard to get a diagnosis and I have none to help me through it except my friends who can't do much either.
I'm stuck in a fuckinh loom of "I need to do it" and "i'm too disabled to do it" and I want to fucking explode
#my dad who told me âyou're constantly fucking up. Don't you ever think there's a reason ? Like You have no idea ???â#and im just like âi fucking know why but you don't fucking believe me or support me.â#he says he wants to help but also he doesn't want to help me the way i need it#and my mom is too in denial#every year im asking myself how i keep surviving. like. i know im young but i want to live better sl bad#i'm dealing with dysphoria. mild C-PTSD and probably OCD. I'm dealing with undiagnose autism and ADHD#i probably have an eating disorder. i'm probably physically disabled. i need to do something radical now.#nano.txt
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i wish that just by existing as a trans person i wasn't opening myself up to harassment and risk
#i had a terf go after me earlier#its been a while since ive had that happen so ive been thinking about it#like i dont want to be like this#dysphoria fucking sucks and it sometimes gets so bad physically that i cant move#its not just its a physical thing as well#its not something i can do anything about#i try to minimize the harm that my status as a transgender women can have on people because i know that it will upset people#and i don't want that#i dont like the fact that im trans and i really fo not understand why i should be proud of that fact#why would i be proud of the amount of pain im in#it doesn't make me who i am its a constant stressor#and going after someone for something that they dont like and cant do anything about is somehow seen as a good thing by these people#i just dont want to live in fear#with the amount the American right has been scapegoating and restricting transgender rights and with us going into an election year#that is just going to increase#i cant change this#but just by existing i am opening myself up to hate for some reason and i dont want that#i just want to live my life
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lately i've been doing a lot of thinking about why women are the main supporters of transgenderism, and i think i've boiled it down to three main elements
1. women are socialised to be more accommodating and accepting of uncomfortable situations than men are. this has been discussed at length in the radical feminist tradition and the gender critical movement, but it bears reiterating. women are taught from early childhood to disbelieve their feelings of fear, anger and humiliation for the benefit of men.
2. i'd argue that the description of physical dysphoria is one that almost all women empathise with, because of how alienated women are from their bodies by society, in a way most men are not. even women who would say they are comfortable with their bodies have complicated feelings about having a female body in our society, even if they don't have the framework to express it. therefore, when women are confronted with men who make claims about sex dysphoria, they relate and empathise and some can draw conclusions that this distress aligns them with femaleness (i would argue that all women experience sex dysphoria in a misogynist society like ours but i digress). i think there many women also find solace in the idea that someone else could possibly have their physical distress alleviated and want to believe it is possible to find a solution to it.
In other words, âThe body has been made so problematic for women that it has often seemed easier to shrug it off and travel as a disembodied spirit.â - Adrienne Rich
3. women want to believe that male oppression and men aren't really that bad. to comprehend the scale of women's oppression, and to fully understand that the men you know and love are as complicit in it as any other, feels like balancing on the brink of madness. women are desperate for evidence that things aren't as bad as they suspect.
Andrea Dworkin says it best: âMany women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships.â
that is part of the allure of the trans movement for these women in denial. breaking down the categories of male and female, and denying the social dynamics therein, means they don't have to grapple with the ugliness of misogyny.
anyone else have thoughts on this? i'd be keen to hear if others on radblr think
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God I think I actually prefer explicit fascist transmisogyny in comparison to the disguised dogwhistly liberal transmisogyny.
Like the people who openly call me an autogynephile and other various slurs and tell me to kill myself are at least being honest. They don't bullshit me about hating my very existence and wanting me to die.
It's all the faux-loving forms of transmisogyny that really make me angry. Like it makes my skin crawl in its dishonesty and hypocrisy. And it takes so many forms. Like the transmisogynist christian "hate the sin, not the sinner" approach where they claim to love me and just want me to accept Jesus in my heart. The necessary condition for accepting their version of Jesus however is me detransitioning, and that would kill me.
There is the terfy "people with gender dysphoria are suffering and they need help but we can't endanger women's sex-based rights for them." i've even seen in arguments about legal gender changes the following: "of course trans women deserve to use women's spaces, but if we allow legal gender self-id evil cis men will take advantage of that. So trans women will have to have their rights restricted." Even J.K. Rowling used it in her terf manifesto.
It makes one yearn for the days of the ur-terf book "The Transsexual Empire" which had the "shemale" slur in its subtitle and in which the author Janice Raymond argued trans women rape real women by the fact of their very existence. That kind of brazen transmisogyny at least had some kind of honesty about it.
There is also the transmisogynist callout culture fandom, or as the japanese fittingly call them: the american feelings yakuza. They callout transfems for problematic kinks like at least once a week but deny transmisogyny. "oh we don't believe all transfems are evil predatory sex perverts, it's just that this particular transfem is."
Their evidence for her being sexual predatory is that she ships two fictional siblings. Or in meatspace meetings, things like her having "bad vibes" ("bad vibes" or "gut instinct" are polite words for what more sensible people call "ingrained bias") .
And they suspiciously keep on making callouts for transfem after transfem in a neverending series, trying to ruin her reputation and socially exile her, but of course they are not transmsiogynists.
There is also the sofboi transandrobro type of transmisogyny. They spread the vilest transmisogyny but always falls back on a terfy bioessentialism to claim ontological innocence and perpetual victimhood in all situations. I've literally seen someone say "how can i be a misogynist, i'm literally afab." These people will not say directly "shut up about your oppression, stupid tranny", but say it in coded form. I had one guy traumadump to me about his rape in vivid detail to make the point that (trans)men suffer more and imply that transfems don't suffer from sexual violence.
And that's the crux of the issue. Open hate barely fazes me anymore, unless there is an immediate threat of physical violence. But being condescended to, being emotionally manipulated, being faced with people veiling their hatred of transfems behind a veil of superficially loving rhetoric, that does make me angry. And these people always use my anger against me. "Why are you so angry when these people are being so polite and nice to you?" And that's because the point of these rhetorical approaches is to have plausible deniability for your bigotry and make transfems look crazy when they point it out.
Yet it's the same bigotry as the explicit version, it's just more dishonest about it. Like if had the They Live glasses and looked at the rhetoric, it would just read "exterminate all transfems." All those polite liberals believe the same thing about transfems as the neo-nazis openly calling for us to be hanged, they just lack the virtue of being honest about it.
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Feeling a little overly perceived by Dr. Dodson right now, not gonna lie.
I'll throw a transcript under the cut, but both reading the transcript and listening to the video can be difficult as it's quite long, so here's some highlights. As always, these are the opinions of a specialist but only one specialist, so take with a grain of salt, and if you have research to add to this, please feel free to comment or reblog with it. I believe this presentation is from sometime in 2022.
ADHD appears to derive from issues in the corpus striatum in the brain. In most people, the corpus striatum filters out all but the most important input AND output; with ADHD, the things normally handled "outside of awareness" must be handled consciously.
People with ADHD don't see their emotions coming. Emotion is immediate, intense, and unfiltered, making therapies like CBT or ACT difficult, because you can learn the technique but you won't have time to employ it. Because people with ADHD have impulse control issues, expressing emotions "inappropriately" is common, leading people with ADHD to believe they can't trust themselves.
One function of ADHD-typical dysregulation is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which nobody understands even a little. People who have it can't even adequately describe it to people who want to study it. It is intense, painful, and apparently impossible to control. Prevention is based in maladaptive behaviors designed to avoid it entirely (perfectionism, people pleasing, generalized withdrawal). The only currently known treatment is alpha agonist medication.
Lastly, by the age of twelve, a child with ADHD has likely received twenty thousand more "negative or corrective" messages than their neurotypical peers. (This isn't relevant to the rest, I just found it sufficiently horrifying to warrant inclusion. Fortunately for me, if I got 20,000 negative or corrective messages, I wasn't paying attention for most of them.)
Anyway, here's the transcript of the first half. I did this by copying and cleaning up the auto-transcript on YouTube, but I stopped at Question Time, so this is only the first half (the presentation). Transcription of the second half is available at YouTube.
There is suddenly a very large interest in the whole subject of emotional dysregulation and ADHD. That has been driven oddly enough by the Food and Drug Administration, which has just opened up several pathways that drug companies can study emotional dysregulation and whether or not their medications can get an FDA indication for emotional dysregulation. So it's sort of follow the money. Up until then, there was not a great deal of interest for ADHD emotional dysregulation.
We have to understand that the ADHD diagnostic criteria were not made for people like you and me, either practitioners or people who have ADHD or their families. They were designed for and made by people who do research and pretty much that's it. People who do research have to have criteria that they can physically see and count. "Little Johnny was up and out of his chair three times in the last hour," and you can write a three on your clipboard. Things which are invisible, not always there, hard to count, or even hidden by the patient, don't lend themselves to research very easily and so tend to be ignored. And so consequently this is one of the main reasons why emotional dysregulation -- until there was some other motive provided -- was pretty much ignored and disregarded.
Consequently ADHD right now, if you look at the 18 diagnostic criteria, are almost entirely behavioral criteria. What is the person doing? Not how is the person thinking, what is the patient feeling, how are they controlling their emotions, how are they sleeping. Things that are all very, very important to the person who has ADHD but which is essentially ignored by the diagnostic criteria.
Why should you care? Who really cares about this? Well, the definition of what ADHD is and isn't defines who and what will be studied. It defines who will actually get into a study and what questions will be asked. It defines who will be diagnosed with ADHD and who will not. One of the most common problems I get is with a secondary referral to me -- somebody clearly has ADHD but they're not pinging off the walls, they can sit and do their work, especially when they get into a hyperfocus, and so they're told they couldn't possibly have ADHD. When really they just have the inattentive subtype and they're not being driven by their behavior, their overt behavior. Therefore it defines who will get treatment, who will get insurance coverage for that treatment, and who will get accommodations in school when they're young and at the workplace when they're older.
Consequently we should also care because the other major components of ADHD get ignored. These are the ones that if you really stand back and look at it cause the greatest amount of impairment, the greatest amount of embarrassment, the greatest amount of justâŚproblems in general. We're talking about cognition and thinking, that people with ADHD fundamentally think in a different way than do neurotypical people. They are able to engage with the tasks of their lives in a totally different way. Their ability to control their emotions and their behavior, control their emotional responses, tremendously affects their self-esteem and their self-definition. Who am I? What am I worth? What am I valued? Why am I valued in a certain way? What do other people think of me?
It affects tremendously the nature and healthiness of relationships. How you respond emotionally to the people in your realm makes a great deal of difference about the healthiness and gratification you get from your relationships. Being highly dysregulated in terms of your energy and emotions also affects deeply how well you sleep, how easy it is to fall asleep and awake refreshed, and of course it affects emotional dysregulation.
And this is probably, when you look at it in the long term and especially with adults, probably the most impairing part of the ADHD syndrome. The vast majority of people with ADHD have found ways around their academic and work performance, but they haven't found their way around their emotional reactions to the people and events of their lives.
At all points in the life cycle -- child, adolescent, adult, and elderly -- people who have ADHD nervous systems lead intense, passionate lives. Their highs are higher, their lows are lower, all of their emotions are much more intense. And that really is what we're talking about: not really the quality of the emotions -- people who have ADHD have the same types of emotions for the same reasons that everybody else does. What we're talking here, in terms of dysregulation, is two things: one, the expression of emotions, being able to choose whether or not you let an emotion out. And then, when you do decide to express it, how intensely that emotion is experienced and expressed by you as a unique individual.
Consequently just about everybody with ADHD, but especially little children, are always at some sort of risk of being overwhelmed by their own emotions from within themselves. This is something that needs to be really emphasized: a lot of people with ADHD grow up not being able to trust themselves.
So why is this happening, especially to people with ADHD? I think that just about everybody now would agree that ADHD is primarily a problem of insufficient inhibition, being able to slow down and keep things from happening. If you look at the mass of the human brain, 85% of all the nerves in your brain and out in your nervous system are inhibitory in function. We happen to be aware of the other 15% because we can see what happens when those nerves are used: they create movement, they create emotions, they create our experience and memory. We have to remember they are a minority of the actual mass of the human brain.
Most of what happens inside the brain occurs outside of awareness. What happens is the brain starts something, it gets it moving, and then uses inhibition to guide that toward the destination it wants. It's like shooting off a rocket -- shooting it off is the easy part, guiding it to where you want it to go is the hard part.
When you look at where stimulant class medications work, they work solely in the deep areas of the brain down in the basal ganglia, and especially in an area called the corpus striatum, which is just Latin for a "striped body". That's how it looks when you look at it -- it's got many very fine stripes in it. This area, the corpus striatum, is almost entirely inhibitory in function. What it does is that it inhibits neurological input and output to just the one piece of information or one action that happens to be most important at that time. Everything else gets handled, but it gets handled out of awareness.
Probably the easiest place to see this in action is when we're driving a car. Driving a car is the most difficult thing that the average human being ever has to learn how to do. It's a very difficult process, if anybody has ever had an adolescent learning to drive. But once we learn how to drive a car we do it largely outside of our own conscious awareness. We can drive along, talk to the person on the seat next to us, think about what we're going to have for dinner, sing along to the radio, and not really pay attention, conscious attention, to what's going on around us. But if suddenly something is out in front of the car, even before our conscious brain can process what that thing is, our corpus striatum has already handled it. Slam on the brakes, swerve to miss it, start to question that person's parentage, in the twinkling of an eye. The corpus striatum has been scanning everything, handling everything.
So basically what ADHD is, is that relative lack of inhibition that should be there. Inattention, which is a cardinal feature of ADHD, is the relative lack of the inhibition of other inputs or distractions. When we look at physiologically what's happening, we don't actually pay attention to one thing. Neurologically, we suppress every other thing we might engage with except the one thing that we want. It is maximally inefficient in that way.
Impulsivity is a relative lack of inhibition, of the expression of actions and emotions before you can think about them and make decisions about that expression. Hyperactivity is the relative lack of inhibition of physical and mental activity. When the physical activity of the hyperactive little boy who's pinging off a wall goes away in adolescence, they're still very much mentally active in their own brains.
So what? The âso whatâ for most of us is that when this area of the brain is not working as it should, people cannot regulate the experience and expression of their emotions. Emotions are experienced as completely unmodified and unscreened. The word that most people use is that they are raw. They come out without any modification at all, they go in without any modification at all. People can see this in hyperacusis, where somebody chewing or the conversation across the restaurant comes in loud and clear because it can't be screened out.
All this is tremendously overwhelming. We get overwhelmed by entirely too much input, and the impulse to have entirely too much output. It's exhausting, and when it does get inappropriately expressed it's embarrassing, so consequently people with ADHD must always be vigilant of themselves.
Now, when we look at the traditional therapies that have been used, or tried to be used, with ADHD, they have had very very poor track records. They're largely ineffective in helping people control the expression of what they think and feel. The reason for this is that people with ADHD don't see their own emotions, their own actions, coming. They find out about their emotions and actions the same way everybody else does: it's already out there before they even know that it's coming. Consequently they don't have the time and the warning to use the techniques and new skills that they may have learned in behavior modification therapy, or in cognitive therapy. They learned them, learned them perfectly well, but the catâs out of the bag before they can make use of them.
Right now, as we sit here today, medications are the only thing we have to offer that have a proven track record, because they're there all the time. We have two basic groups: we have the stimulant class medications which are amphetamine, methylphenidate, et cetera, which help directly with inhibition. They help slow things down, they help inhibit both input that would distract us and output. It gives you the same two seconds that everybody else has, to see an emotion or an action coming up, to play it out in your mind. âIf this happens then this will happen, then that'll happen. Oh, I don't want that to happen, I'll redirect it.â
The alpha agonist, of which we have two -- guanfacine and clonidine -- inhibit the energy driving the speed and intensity of response. Interesting enough, when we look at just clean effectiveness, when we measure how effective is this treatment, the alpha agonists are significantly more effective than are the stimulants. Usually that's kind of a false choice, because most people end up taking both classes of medication.
A very special type, I think, of emotional dysregulation is -- again a terrible technical term -- what's called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. We actually don't know what it is. It's much too early to tell. But it does seem to be a thing with which many people with ADHD identify. There was a brief article from ADDitude that got posted on Reddit, on their subreddit on ADHD; that particular posting got twice as many responses, in less than a month, than any other posting that had ever been put on that subreddit. It really touched a lot of people in a strong way.
In my own checklist, when I'm asking about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, the question I have is: âFor your entire life, in other words going all the way back into childhood, have you always been much more sensitive than other people you know to rejection, teasing, criticism, or your own perception that youâve failed or fallen short?â This is directly from a psychiatric textbook, an old one, and it's the definition of a technical term, for psychiatrists called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
It's important to note, this is all a matter of degree. No one likes being rejected or criticized. Everybody hates it when we fail, we fall short, especially in front of other people. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is much more intense, and is much more than this universal discomfort.
When they were originally doing the research on this particular idea, 45 years ago, they wanted to get that intensity right up there in the name, and so they chose the word dysphoria -- which unfortunately happens to be Greek -- but it means âunbearableâ. Because that was the description they were getting from people over and over and over again. Again, for reasons unknown, people with rejection sensitivity have trouble describing what the intense emotion is all about. They can describe its intensity -- âit's awful, it's terrible, it's catastrophic,â -- but not the quality of the mood. And so, over and over again, these research subjects would finally just tell the researcher, âLook, man, back off. I can't find words to tell you what this awful feeling feels like, but I want you to know I can hardly stand it.â And so that's where the word dysphoria came from. A researcher at Harvard who decided to put it into Greek, but that unbearable quality is very much a part of what's going on, a part of the experience of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.
It's extremely common in people with ADHD; my guess is that about 95% of my patients report it as a significant impairment, and about a third of my patients say that it is by far the most impairing part of their ADHD. For the majority of people, and most occurrences, it is not that particularly disruptive, but when it hits, it turns your life upside down.
So how is rejection sensitivity experienced? There's no warning. It hits out of the blue; there's no way to protect yourself from it. It happens all at once, it goes from zero to a hundred percent instantaneously. It is commonly experienced as being physically painful, as if someone just punched you in the chest or punched you in the stomach -- there's an aching in the core of your being.
Once it gets started it seems to be largely uncontrollable until it's run its course, whatever it is. The quality of the mood is indescribable. Most people struggle to find any words at all to describe this feeling, even though it's massively intense. The duration can be a few minutes to several months. It's a very potent experience and can make it very difficult to risk ever being rejected or criticized again.
If this very intense emotional reaction is internalized, it looks for all the world like an instantaneous major depression, complete with suicidal thinking. And so a lot of times people do get a diagnosis of major depression, because the clinician they're working with fails to pick up the triggered, instantaneous nature of the onset of that depressive-looking syndrome. If it's externalized, it presents as a rage that is directed at the person or situation that wounded them so terribly. In fact, being âwoundedâ is is a very common description. This sort of sudden trigger change, with an intense emotional response, not uncommonly leads to a misdiagnosis of borderline character organization.
So if you can't see it coming, and you can't do anything once it's happened, how do people try and protect themselves from episodes of rejection sensitivity happening in the first place? Some people use perfectionism; they try to be above reproach. They feel driven to be the very best at everything they do. These are the penultimate overachievers. It works, but it's also an absolutely terrible, driven way in which to live.
By far the most common response is that people become people pleasers. They are constantly scanning everybody around them and trying to figure out what that person wants or would approve of, and that's what they give them, so much so that it is the to the exclusion of what they want for their own lives. These are people who take care of others, please others, to the exclusion of any sort of gratification in their own lives.
Another very common way that people try to deal with this is that they give up trying anything new, giving up anything in which they might fail or be embarrassed. I have hundreds of patients who have never been able to apply for a job or ask someone of the opposite sex out for a date. Just the imagination of being told no is so frightening, so devastating, that they just say, âNo, I'm not going there. I'll sit this one out.â
One of the most effective ways of dealing with this are the alpha agonist medications, and when they work they can be almost completely effective. Alpha agonist again is a tongue twisting name, but it's not as tongue-twisting as the full name, which is alpha-2 selective adrenergic agonists. So you can see why we shorten it a bit. They were originally blood pressure medications that came on the market in the early 1980s. They worked very poorly -- when they did work, at most they lowered blood pressure about 10%, which was measurable but it still required other things that needed to be done in order to get most people's blood pressure down into a therapeutic range.
We have two of them, guanfacine which was marketed both as immediate release and extended release under the name of Intuniv, and clonidine, which was marketed under the trade name of Kapvay, both as an immediate release product and as a delayed release product. They have been used as a treatment of the hyperactive component of ADHD for more than 30 years, so these are not new medications for the field of ADHD. They're very much the treatment of choice for the âhyperactive, disruptive, and obnoxious little boyâ that is what most people have in their minds when they consider the notion of âWhat does a person with ADHD look like?â
The exact mechanism of action of these medications both in ADHD and especially in rejection sensitivity is highly unclear. We really don't know -- we have a couple of ideas but they are very definitely theoretical. The only thing that we know for sure is that the stimulants don't work by stimulating anything, and that the alpha agonists don't work by being alpha agonists. How they do work is completely unknown.
We have two medications, they seem to work equally well, so there's nothing that would lead you to choose one over the other. The problem is that the robust response that we're looking for that really changes people's lives, is disappointingly low -- at about 30% to either molecule. Luckily that 30% is a different 30% of people, so that 30% of people get a good response to guanfacine but it's largely a different 30% that get a response to clonidine. So if the first medication tried does not work, it makes good clinical sense that that one should be stopped and the other one tried. There was an unfortunately worded sentence in an article I wrote for ADDitude several years ago that gave the impression that you could use the two medications together; they should not be used together. You try one, if that doesn't work you try the other.
The typical dose of either one is in the range of three milligrams of guanfacine per day or about three tenths of a milligram of clonidine per day. If you take all the people who get a good robust response to either one of these medications, about 80% are going to end up at these doses, so it's by far the most common dose.
There are of course side effects. Anything that's going to adjust the adrenaline system of the body is going to have the potential for sedation as a side effect, and this does occur for about 25% of people. It's usually mild and it does go away -- over a period of several months. So a person has to be fairly patient with that. It can cause dry mouth, and it's by a different mechanism then the stimulants can cause dry mouth, so the two of them together can really make your mouth cottony dry. And the third one is an accentuation of a universal experience we've all had, when we stand up quickly and suddenly and we get dizzy, get kind of a head rush, vision goes a bit gray. The technical term for it is orthostasis. And this can happen more frequently when you take the alpha agonist medications.
The benefits of the alpha agonist medications take a while to develop. When you change the dose it takes five days for the benefits to develop, so once again they're not like the stimulants where what you see is what you get at one hour. It takes a while for these medications to work and to see all that they can do.
Now just as a side note, Strattera has been looked at in two studies for emotional dysregulation and the results have been what they call mixed. If they did work it was only to a very minimal degree, almost undetectable, so Strattera does not seem to be a medication one could use and expect to have it help with emotional dysregulation.
So in summary, emotional dysregulation is a basic feature of ADHD, is almost universal in ADHD, and it should be considered as a core symptom of ADHD that ought to be evaluated in every initial evaluation. Rejection sensitivityâŚit's unclear yet -- this is an old concept that has only been brought up in the last couple of years. Its exact nature is still unclear. It does seem to be a specific form of emotional dysregulation, especially in regard that it does respond very well to medication. But again, how it fits into emotional dysregulation is completely unclear at this point. It does seem to be something that's really important, though. It is a thing that resonates with a large number of people with ADHD.
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I need to know why it makes people so unreasonably upset to suggest that some dysphoric trans people probably should be considered intersex. Do you just. Hate trans people? Or is it because anything that makes trans physical isn't allowed?
It has been stated many many times that not all trans people have dysphoria, and not all trans people that do experience the same dysphoria. It has been harped on that gender is social and about presentation and isn't binary. Fine. But somehow when I or people like me talk about having physical and immutable dysphoria that doesn't stem from social means it's not ok. When I bring up that yes, some parts of the brain control your hormones and gonads, and yes, some parts recognize what you are and should look like, im treated like a fucking gender critical.
Why is it wrong to say that parts of the brain do in fact qualify as sex related because that's what they are for? If they dont physically square with the binary(naturally, not through intervention) then that person is not binary/intersex in their physical disposition by definition. It's not exactly a hard concept to grasp.
And because I have to, no, most aspects of the brain are not related to our bimodal sex system. There can in fact be gender/sex nuance in certain parts of the brain without claiming male and female type brains exist as a whole. Fear of some shitty crack pot idea should not prevent people from understanding scientific inquiry and research.
Being intersex does not make the trans experience more or less valid/real. But I'm tired of pretending I'm a man for reasons that absolutely don't apply to me. Nothing about my being trans has anything to do with how I want to socially be, aside as an extension of others viewing my body as I wish it to be. If there is really room in the community for all of us, then my saying that some of our experience is different shouldn't be a problem.
EDIT: Thank you for some of your responses. I would like to amend my statement slightly. When I mentioned intersex I was more trying to imply, as I lacked a better word, that it is clear some if not most trans people that experience dysphoria have a physical developmental reason for that, likely epigenetic, genetic, and pre natal conditions. This type of sense is in most people, including cis people, hence why you cannot train someone to be a gender they aren't(no desistance of gender identity in both cis and trans people regardless of treatment). If intersex is to be interpreted as things exclusively affecting external or internal primary sex traits(as to be read, physically involved in the act of procreation) that are only ever natal, then I am ok in accepting intersex is not the best fit(except for that PCOS study but not super relevant rn).
That being said, I do still believe it is a part of sex and sex/gender development and that it is a physical condition(most anatomy based dysphoria). I don't see why it being a part of sex and sex development is a problem, when it has no other answer that satisfies our actual understanding of the condition and those peoples experience. Anything based on socialization has been disproven time and time again, so when are we going to stop acting like this
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Alright, so hear me out
(this is another long one. Like. Seriously. It has 2.6k words.)
*yes, I edited this like 5 mins after I posted it just to add some more, oops
Post cannon Labru where Laios tries to help Kabru regain weight
TW: ED, Body Dysmorphia, Fat-phobia, Gender Dysphoria
It turns out to he a huge body image thing. Like Kabru develops a bit of an ED after he gains his weight back and tries to stay "the perfect weight" and major body dysmorphia. But! It's very sweet because hand feeding, of course, and self-acceptance.
I imagine Kabru's blue eyes get brought up when Laios is like "oh, you don't like that about yourself? :( you're so wonderful! What else could you possibly not like! Surely not those eyes ^^" or something
Plus! I'm 98% sure that Laios gains some weight post cannon, so his wrestler build gets softer, which, yay! We love that here! But this comes with its positives and negatives. (Dont he scared by how big the negative paragraph is)
Positive: Kabru has an example of having a healthy relationship with yourself and your body
Negatives (and hold on) TW btw: at a certain point of Kabru's weight gain/ body acceptance journey, where he gets obsessed with keeping "the perfect body" and does everything in his power not to gain anymore, his own twisted view of himself spills over to Laios. He starts to view Laios as a sort of slob or careless person because he gained weight after the dungeon and gained an extra 5-ish pounds while helping Kabru gain. Because Laios can and will encourage Kabru to eat by eating with him with a smile on his face.
What if someone finds out about Kabru's purging?
Yes, Kabru has purged a few times while he was at his lowest. And no, Laios doesn't catch him in the act. He doesn't know until someone tells him about it. Kabru just keeps it to himself with a tinge of guilt. Someone else finds out. I can't decide who yet, but if it were:
Chilchuck - he'd be familiar with his topic because one of his daughters went through the same thing. He keeps secret as per Kabru's request but gives to Kabru straight. He tells him vomiting hat much rots your teeth and only has negative impacts in the future. With Chil being big and tall for his race's standards and him canonically watching his own weight, he talks Kabru through this whole body image thing. Maybe not in the exact way Kabru wants, but in the way he needs
Senshi - he's SO against this. He tries to father Kabru, but his own lack of understanding for why Labru feels this way gets in the way of progress. He urges Kabru to eat and tells Laios what's goin on in hopes of figuring out what all of this is about, accidentally spilling the beans and leading to conflict between Laios and Kabru
Marcille - she doesn't really get the ED thing, but she gets not liking your body (since she never fit in with her "age group" while growing up and wished she physically presented like them). She also tells Kabru that throwing up rots his teeth and says it's bad for your mana and junk. Shes very offput by this whole thing, but she tries. She doesn't tell Laios...on purpose. (Falin also finds out becuase the guilt Marcille has from telling that secret ears her alive)
Falin - my girl does NOT understand. But she's here to empathize. She ends up being huge in Kabru's healing journey. She tries to check in on bim every now and then and uses her own transformation to promote body acceptance
Izutsumi - she doesn't know what to do. She's 17 goddamn it. So when she hears Kabru throwing up she just assumes he's sick, but when she keeps hearing it she gets a little stressed about him. She goes "he's just weird" and mentions it in conversation to someone else, most likely Marcille (which probably led to Marcille finding out in the earlier paragraph)
Mickbell...somehow - is like "dude wtf" and tells Rin about it since he knows there close. He's worried, yeah, but he doesn't think its really his problem. Especially since the two fo them aren't close like that.
Kuro - he finds out and tells Rin as well, he also tells Kabru that he looks fine. He mentions it to Mickbell, yeah, but in a "Will he be okay? :(" way
Rin - devastated. She initially gives Kabru a hard talk...which makes him worse, but hey! She tried. Rin then thinks its becuase of the shame of dying many times and tries to comfort Kabru again. Doesn't work. She tries to get him to eat the things he likes. He eats them, but she can sense the guilt from Kabru. They then have a heart to heart becuase Rin can't stand to see her best friend suffer like this and assures him that he looks fine as often as he needs
Holm - he takes a simular approach as Falin but gets a little more involved. He understands it on paper, but can't image what actually having these issues is like. Yes, he also informs Rin and is the one that told her to try to speak to Kabru in a less...prickly manner about this touchy subject
Daya - She doesnt realise what Kabru was trying to achieve by puking. So she just advises him not to do so and tells Rin about the strange behavior.
How does this affect non-platonic Labru?
Easy!
Well for starters! If they were boning before, they aren't now LMAO
Partly because of Kabru's own body image being trash and his attraction to Laios (temporarily) going to shit after Laios gained some weight to encourage Kabru. Damn that internalized fat-phobia. Neither one of them seems to have a clue what's going on. Let word, seems.
Kabru knows his view of Laios just isn't the same, but he doesn't let it be known that he's aware of this.
Does he feel bad? Yeah. But he only feels bad because he doesn't feel bad. He feels as though he's a shitty boyfriend for harboring such disgust for his partner's figure
Laios catches Kabru stealing glances at himself in the mirror. Staring just a little too long. Laios deduces that Kabru's feeling a little self-conscious after some hard thought.
So, of course, he makes sure to be extra careful about his words. He'd totally be like that one meme (which I can't find) that goes: "damn girl, that ass is wide" "what??" "I didn't want to say fat and trigger your eating disorders :/"
Plus, on the not boning thing, they're busy. You got a king and his advisor, they're not gonna be cranking it up every night! They simply sleep together, in a literal sense most nights anyways, so more sleep isn't anything bad
Additionally, I don't believe Laios has a high sex drive at all. (I personally think he's on the asexual spectrum, maybe because I'm ace, but still)
Kabru won't initiate a thing at the moment, it's up to Laio's sporadic desires to get things going. (It never gets going)
What if Laios discovers Kabru's feelings towards him and the purging?
He's hurt, simply put. He can't understand why Kabru dislikes his body, Laios can't understand why his own body would be such a turn off now.
In the non-platonic vers Laios tries to become "sexy" again. ....He fails horribly and ends up making a fool out if himself. At first he's like, "well monsters do this to attract mates" right after he feels as though he needs to inprove upon himself. Then he goes "no... Kabru isnt a monster, and im not either (unfortunately)"
He pushes that silly thought aside and tries to find out *why* Kabru is turned off by his looks now. His face? No.. His hair? Just got it cut. His figure? ...but why?
Laios goes right up to Kabru and confronts him about it. Kabru being the slippery bitch that he is denies it and goes "lol wtf haha! I luv u bae and there's nothing wrong with u!! ur so sexy and hot haha..."
This, inevitably, confused the shit out of Laios and he asks for honesty. Kabrus actions aren't exactly aligning with his words, and something needs to he done.
[Okay, let's be real here. If Kabru didn't want Laios to know how he felt, Laios' ass would NOT know lmao. This is just for the bit]
Now the purging? Laios is like "dude what? :(" he doesn't understand it. Nope. Not at all. He tires to he supportive, but he really doesn't know what to do with this. It's not like there's a bulimia monster, so he has no real frame of reference.
He's all "but you look fine how you are :(" and "I like the weight on you!" or even "did you know that [this species of monster] finds fat attractive? ,:D"
He means so so well, and Karbu knows it. Laios really is just a dog of a man.
Laios also tries to get Kabru to promise to stop. We know how that went. Karbu agreeing just to do it behind Laios' back because he knows Laios won't find out. He'll cut back on it, yeah, but he has his weak moments.
Eventually, Laios makes sure to only have Kabru serve his favorite meals. That should keep him from puking it up! And Karbu stops after a while. But only because his health is on the decline.
What else?
Two words: hand. feeding.
Kabru throws up? He gets his favorite meals so he won't. Kabru keeps checking his figure? Less mirrors in the caslte and more compliments. Kabru not eating enough or skipping meals? Simple. Laios makes sure he eats.
And how? A little less of Laios sensually slipping a fork full of decedent chocolate cake past Kabru's lips and a little more than a simple "here comes the airplane"
It starts off as Laios seeing Kabru taking smaller bites and being like "oh! Let me show you how to fill your fork! ^^" and then him taking Kabru's fork, impaling a bunch of assorted foods onto said fork, then handing it back to Kabru.
Then it sort of devolved (...evolved?) Into Kabru begrudgingly letting Laios feed him like a toddler while no one else ot looking. My boy Kabru does NOT know how to say no to this autistic man properly.
Laios was like "would it help if I just fed you?" And karbu replied something like "haha! It just might!" And of course Laios did not pick up on that God level sarcasm and went "cool, Let's try it then" and Kabru, wanting to appease Laios said "cool!". Bro was punching air.
(Yes, Laios said stuff like "good job buddy!" "You're doing so well!" "Its tasty, right?" Almost every bite)
In the non-platonic world, Laios would have Karbu sit ever so close to him as he was fed, maybe even in his lap. And of course Karbu would get a peck on the cheek after every bite. And the whole process may or may not turn Laios on. Especially when they're dining on monster. Whoops.
....anything else?
This all ties in with the absurd standards that was set for Karbu and the insecurities he hides within himself.
The whole blue-eye-spawn-of-a-demon thing was already enough for him. But being raised by that moody ass elf was a whole nother thing.
Milsiril, his adoptive elf mom, raises children like she has a monopoly in daycares. She's a serial foster fr. All them damn kids. Raising them like pets becuase you want something to love and depend on you. (I love Milsiril btw)
Anyways.
Kabru was his mom's favorite since his features were unique. Im talkin big bright blue eyes contrasting with rich dark skin, in particular. Plus, he was so sociable! All of his siblings looked up to him in one way or another. He was the star child.
And, you know that thing about elves being twinks, right? When ever Milsiril would check up on Karbu's health, she would use this old elven chart depicting the "average/desirable/suggested" height, weight, and muscle tone for diffrent short-lived races at diffrent ages/stages of life.
Safe to say these charts and texts were based off of elven standards, so everyone was thought to be slimmer, lighter, and more toned than normal. Plus, they're old lol. Instead of updating her charts and buying some from the diffrent cultures and races, she keeps her old one becuase she legit just forgets to replace it and hasn't had any "major problems" while raising her kids with that information so she doesn't think to change it.
What in trying to say is!
Kabru was raised with unrealistic body goals, and when he used to deviate from those arbitrary statistics during childhood he'd be put on diets and stuff.
Also, What if Kabru was transmasc?
Especially when he was a teen, even gaining a little wait made him go nuts. He couldn't get the words "unhealthy" out of his head and started associating it with the word "fat". His mind likes to play tricks on him when he's in the mirror. Exaggerating his figure and making him panic.
So! When he was sick and tired after that weird ass dungeon trip that changed his whole world and he came back to find himself thin as a pin, he tweaked.
He logically hated it because it was unhealthy, but a part of him was satisfied. With the added stress of becoming a Kings advisor, he started to crack under the pressure, manifesting in an obsession with himself. When he started to gain weight back he was brought right back to those check ups he had with Milsiril and those 2, maybe 3 times he was put onto diets in his youth. He really feared he was getting fat and he would just stare into the mirror and feel his flesh beneath his fingertips, searching for some sort of confirmation. All he felt was a bit of a squish, a bit of a give, and that's all he needed.
It was too much for him. His body was wrecked in his eyes. He's supposed to he fit and lean and thin and perfect. How could that be perfect? He looks in the mirror in his private study, wasting the time he could've been spending planning new city infrastructure or working out the kinks in trade. But no. He's here, in his dimly lit room, looking at how imperfect he's become in his eyes. How unhealthy he is his mom's eyes. How disgusting he is in his birth mothers eyes.
He had to fix it. The wound rubs deep, dar past the dermis. And, I guess, much like other wounds that cut a chasm into the skin, you don't really feel it once it severs your nerves. You don't really notice until you see the big, gaping, bleeding, notch where you used to be.
Lol anyways
Whoo boy. He is in hell. He feels like gaining weight makes him look "softer" and more feminine. He hates it, yes. But he tries his best not to let it effect his wardrobe. This whole weight journey really rehydrated his gender dysphoria.
He's used to looking a little androgynous, but with his new weight going to his stomach, hips, and thighs, he just feels as though his silhouette is becoming more girly.
Kabru is found training and working out more. Anything to get his body more boxy again.
He spends more time making sure he looks presentable. Even waking up a little earlier to ensure he vouge cover ready. (Well, I mean, as vouge ready as perpetual business casual can be)
And how does it end?
It takes some time, but Kabru heals. He's 10 pounds heavier than when we were first introduced to him, but he doesn't mind anymore.
It was a long journey full of all sorts of denail and shame, but he got there.
He's still the Light Yagami coded perfect chivalrous boy. He always has been. And Laios loves him all the same. Platonically or not.
Laios was essential in Karbu learning to let go of those impossible ideal and unreachable standards. Laios does not give a fuck afterall, he thinks all human bodies are unintresting beautiful! That dude does not judge. Rember him talking about the orc women in one of the monster tidbit sections? He's about body acceptance and neutrality.
Kabru grew to love his body, not just tolderate it or like it because someone else does. And if it tickles you, he liked the extra pounds Laios gained in the end, too. And if you're here for non-platonic Labru, then Laios may have became a bit of a feeder and has a tiiiiny food kink. Plus, Laios is a huge fan of the squish and Kabru likes how warm Laios is.
I just want to add this in here, also hecuase ive seen it before and i agree, but Laios seems like the type to give dutch ovens. He shows love like a big brother and its horrible (affectionate). This passes Karbu off SO BAD and it's hilarious. He has to sit down and have a very direct and serious talk about "getting too comfortable". And Laios would sit there the entire time like a sad dog and nod along.
Kabru and Laios also wrestle. No debate. They do it to spar, Laios does it for fun, Kabru does it to make Laios shut up. It's great!
Sorry this took so long lmao,, I legit just kept forgetting to write this
This was just word vomit. I've lost the plot somewhere along the way, I fear
#This is a LOOOOONG one#im so sorry this took so long#i got distracted#labru#laios x kabru#kabru x laios#kabru of utaya#kabru delicious in dungeon#laios delicious in dungeon#laios touden#laios dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#kabru dungeon meshi#kabru#kabru dunmeshi#tw ed but not sheeran#tw fatphobia#tw gender dysphoria#tw the gays#falin touden#senshi#chilchuk dungeon meshi#izutsumi dungeon meshi#rotating them in my mind#ramble#my hcs#dungeon meshi spoilers#dunmeshi#dunmeshi laios
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wassup man. hey i got a requestion. Could you write a Regina Georgee fic where she andd NB!Reader are in a secret relationship but Y/N is dysphoric, and regina reassures them she won't leave them for someone else? Lots of praise, physical touch for comfort (smut only if ur comfy!! xx) + regina wears Y/N's letterman jacket to hard launch at school the next day so everyone knows her ass is owned by Y/N? If you do make it smut, bottom!regina would be great with whimpering and begging Thanksssssssssssssss
You're Beautiful ||
|| Regina George x nonbinary!reader
|| Warnings: minors don't interact, first time posting smut (just a small amount, isn't the main focus and doesn't go overly detailed; does skip through some of it), body dysphoria and description of how it feels, reader being upset, some swearing, regina comforting reader which means somewhat out of character regina, bottom!regina, top!reader
|| Summary: Reader struggles with body dysphoria, Regina assures the reader they're beautiful which leads to reader showing Regina they're thankful for her... the next day, Regina shows the school who owns them.
Requests open!
Started: May 2nd
Finished: May 10th
~~~
This week has been absolutely awful, mental health wise. Everything else was about the same. Which you were grateful for, you really didn't need any extra stress from school drama or assignments.
You had stayed the night at Regina's place, having decided to have a cozy Thursday night in with your girlfriend instead of attending the usual parties and such. You ordered take out and watched a movie. Regina's always had this certain image about her, but behind closed doors? When it was just the two of you? She could be so uncharacteristically soft. The first time it happened you had to do a double take and stare at her; wondering if that was really your girlfriend or if she had a twin you didn't know about.
Speaking of her being your girlfriend. Nobody knew about the two of you. You were considered an outcast for your gender identity, the only ones in the school that didn't judge you (besides your girlfriend) were Janis and Damien. They were pretty much your best friends because of it. And only friends...
You were currently getting changed in the bathroom; something you usually did, much to Regina's annoyance. She would always tell you you could change in front of her, that she didn't mind and in fact insisted that you did this. It's not like she hasn't seen you like that before anyway. But you always made up some excuse for why you couldn't and then scrambled off to the bathroom before she could stop you.
Today had been no different.
When you finally got out, Regina turned and looked at you. Eyes scanning your body. Instinctively your arms went to your stomach and you took a step back. Trying to avoid her gaze. You hadn't changed into anything different, just your regular set of pyjamas. Despite that you couldn't help feeling self conscious about your body. It wasn't what you wanted. Some days, you managed... others? Others were harder. You wished certain body parts could just be detachable. Well, they were with the right surgery but you didn't have that kind of money and you sure as hell weren't about to ask Regina.
When you backed away from her, she raised an eyebrow and took a couple steps closer until her hands gripped your waist and pulled you in flush against her.
"Where do you think you're going?" She smirked at you, hand trailing up your side. Sending a shiver down your spine as you bit your bottom lip in response.
"I..." You take a breath, gathering your thoughts. Do you tell her about your insecurities? "Not today, Regina. Please." You voice was barely above a whisper, feeling vulnerable in the moment.
She looked almost offended for a brief second but her features softened as she looked into your eyes, trying to get a good read on how you were feeling. She could see your vulnerability and it all clicked in place.
She sighed deeply and grabbed your hand, pulling you over to the bed as she made you sit down before straddling your lap and looking into your eyes. Her hand rested under your chin.
"You are fucking beautiful." Regina whispered, giving your jawline a kiss." So damn handsome."
"Regina- that's not-" You stuttered out, though whatever you were going to say died in your throat as she kissed your jawline. Your hands instinctively went to wrap around her waist to keep her in your lap.
"What? That's not true?" Regina's eyes met yours again and you shook your head. That wasn't what you were going to say.
"That's not what I meant. I can't stand my body, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it. This isn't who I am in my head and it hurts. How can you be with someone like me? Someone who can't even accept their own body?" You admitted out loud how you really felt, it felt good haven't it out but it hurt talking about it. Tears brimmed your eyes.
Regina frowned as she listened to you, she knew being nonbinary was hard for you. She knew you were hurting. She never realized just how much.
"Because I love your body. I love your mind. I love you. Alright? I'm not going to fucking leave you for someone else, you have what I want even if you can't see it for yourself. You're beautiful." Regina replied, her hands trailing along your sides as she speaks; making you shiver under her touches.
"Alright?" She asked again, her lips now brushing against your neck. You tilt your head to the side almost instinctively, allowing for her to have easier access as she kisses your neck. Sucking on the skin until a mark is left behind. Her finger gently touch it, making you shudder as she laughs a little. You were so easy. Every little thing she did had an effect on you.
"Mm..." You tried talking, but it came out as a soft hum instead of the 'okay' you had tried to say. Your mind wasn't fully settled, Regina could tell just looking into your eyes.
"You're beautiful. My handsome partner." Regina whispered into your ear, making you blush. You could tell what she was doing, giving praise to lessen your thoughts. You appreciated her for it.
You nodded slowly, taking in her words and allowing them to sink into your mind. Even if they were hard to accept.
"Better?" She asked, her hand now resting below your neck as her fingers just barely graze against it.
"Better... thank you." You mumbled, letting your eyes close as you melted under her touch.
"That's not a real thank you. Show me just how much you appreciate me." She whispered into your ear again, you blushed a deeper shade of red as you read between the lines of what Regina really meant.
She looked at you expectantly, you rolled your eyes but that didn't hide the smile (or blush) on your cheeks.
Regina smirked when she saw it and laid back in bed, head rested on the pillow as she grabbed you by your arms and pulled you on top of her.
You easily followed, laying your body down on hers as you began giving her neck soft kisses. Her head tilted to the side in response, eyes closed as she melted into the feeling.
Regina wouldn't call herself submissive, she wasn't submitting to you. She was more of a pillow princess, she wanted her body to be worshipped by you. Treated like a Goddess.
Your soft kisses became harder as you sucked on her skin, leaving that oh so familiar mark. Matching the one Regina had given you just moments before. You heard a soft whimper escape Regina's lips, so you kept going. Getting more of that sound from her. You made sure to start slow so you could worship her body the way she had wanted; and show her just how thankful you were. You'd spend the whole night treating her if you could.
"More... please." Regina almost begged, her tone sounding desperate. Part of her wanted you to just skip the worshipping and get right into the hard stuff, the other part of her wanted to be worshipped and praised. She felt torn.
"Hm? What's that, baby?" You smirked against her neck, looking up for a brief moment to lock eyes with hers. God, you loved being able to make her this desperate.
Regina gritted her teeth, trying to keep herself from begging for it but she knew you wouldn't give her what she wanted if she didn't.
"Fuck you." She cursed, you held back a laugh. You knew she was just frustrated with how you were doing this.
"Keep talking like that and I'll just stop all together." You whispered in her ear, sending a shiver through her body." Go on, beg me."
Regina's eyes closed again as she kept her mouth shut, when she felt you start to pull away and get up... she grabbed you and held you in place on top of her.
"Don't stop."
You smirked, knowing you had her exactly where you wanted her. You gave her throat a kiss and continued on with what you had been doing before... only you upped it a notch like Regina had asked for.
~~~
The next morning, you had woken up sore as you took your spare clothes and went to change in the bathroom like you normally did. Regina had felt you getting out of bed and started to stir, sitting up and rubbing one of her eyes.
Her eyes narrow when she sees you heading to the bathroom with your clothes.
"Y/N." Regina spoke up, her tone a mixture of stern and tired with sleep.
You stopped in your tracks, hand on the door frame as you looked back at your girlfriend and tilted your head in confusion.
"Yeah?"
"Get your ass over here." Regina demands, you sigh and listen. Going to her bedside. She grabs you by your waist and suddenly pulls you into her lap, making you gasp at the sudden action.
"Regina-"
She cuts you off with a kiss, making you quickly shut up and melt into her body.
Regina parts the kiss and stares into your eyes, hand gripping your chin to make sure you had your full attention on her.
"You're changing out here. Repeat what I told you yesterday." Her tone was stern, but it didn't come from a place of meanness like it usually does for everyone else. She was always a little softer on you.
"You told me a lot of things yesterday," You gave a teasing response back, you knew what Regina wanted you to say. You wanted to see how much you could get away with.
She rolled her eyes, her grip tightening around your chin just slightly." Don't be a smartass."
"Fine... I'm beautiful." You muttered, she could tell by how you said it you didn't mean it.
"Y/N." Her tone remained the same.
"I'm beautiful." You repeat, Regina kissed your cheek and let go of your chin.
"Damn right you are. Now get dressed. Where's your jacket?" She added, looking around her room for a brief moment to see if she could spot it.
You looked at her in confusion. Your jacket?
"My letterman jacket?" You asked, wondering why the hell Regina would want it.
"Yeah. Where'd you put it?"
"Um... I think it's on the couch downstairs. Why?"
Regina rolled her eyes, getting out of bed. There was a slight shake in her legs which made you smirk, feeling pretty damn proud of yourself because you knew she was still effected by the night before.
"I'm wearing it. Obviously."
"To school?" Your eyes widened a little, that jacket had your last name on it. Was she seriously about to reveal your relationship?
"No, to a funeral. Yes, dumbass." Regina narrowed her eyes, annoyed with the amount of questions you were asking though she couldn't help feeling a little amused when she saw your reaction. She was planning on hard launching your relationship. She wanted people to know she was taken by you. She wanted it to be the talk of the school. She knew exactly what she was doing with this.
And sure enough, everyone at school knew Regina belonged to you and that you belonged to her. When they saw her in your jacket it started so many rumours and for the first time in your entire highschool life... nobody bothered you. They didn't want to risk the wrath of Regina George.
#x reader#fanfic#canon x reader#mean girls x reader#mean girls#regina george#nonbinary reader#regina george x nonbinary reader
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Not to be That Gal, but personally I can see a bit of a trans allegory in Marcille. I'm not contending that she's trans, just that there's elements of her story arc that speak to me as a trans person. Some spoilers below the cut.
In Chapter 42, "Nightmare", we get a glimpse into Marcille's deepest fear: that she'll outlive everyone around her due to her extraordinarily long lifespan as a half-elf. This isolates her and makes it hard for her to form friendships for fear of their eventual loss. This fear is her primary motivation to explore dungeons in the first place: she hopes to find a magical means of making everyone's lifespans as long as hers. This comes back in Chapter 65, "Rabbits 2", where she's forced to face that fear as the lone survivor of the Dungeon Rabbit ambush.
Chapter 69, "Sissel 2", has Sissel correctly identify Marcille as a half-elf (something her party hadn't known about her) but incorrectly assumes that her goals are to become a "pureblood" elf or remove her infertility. In Chapter 74, "Liricumwarei", the Canaries assume the same thing.
What stood out to me - and made me think of this in the first place - was her conversation with Laios in Chapter 72, "Sissel 5", where they talk about her family. She explains how difficult she found it growing up at a rate that didn't match either humans or elves: she couldn't make friends in either community because she didn't physically fit in. These experiences never caused her to hate herself or what she was, but it closed her off from other people.
So why's this a trans allegory? It's her experiences. She can't fit in as either a human or an elf, because she's both and neither. Other non-elven races see her as an elf, with the cultural baggage that carries, while elves see her as a 'hybrid', a 'mule', something to be pitied or mocked. They look at her and assume she wants to change something biological or fundamental about herself: that she's driven by self-hate and dysphoria.
And that's what spoke to me. I didn't feel like I fit in with boys or girls growing up, though everyone treated me as a boy. I grew and adapted differently, with different interests that isolated me from other people of my age. Now I'm out as a trans woman, people look at me and assume I want to have a cis woman's body, or use that as an insult: "you'll never be a woman" and all that.
But, like Marcille, I don't hate myself - there's things I'd like to change, sure, but it's not driven by hate or envy of other people, and I'm not putting myself into the boxes other people define for me. I'd rather help them see that the boxes are just that - boxes that can be dismantled.
So in some ways I identify with Marcille's struggles, fantastical though they are, and I think it's this depth that makes her a great character.
#deafmangoes#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi spoilers#marcille dungeon meshi#marcille dunmeshi#dunmeshi#trans#transgender#transgender allegory
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hey there! this sounds like a bit of a silly question, but as a trans guy, youâre one of the few trans people iâve been following almost since i joined tumblr, so based on your other anon ask and answer i figured iâd pop in and ask if you have any advice? if you want to answer, ofc :) â i foresee this being a bit long, so i totally get if not
so iâm also a trans guy, but i havenât been able to take any steps toward medical transitioning before since i live with my parents. but iâll move out soon, and i still canât decide if i should take any of these steps even once i do. iâve never felt like i particularly wanted to medically transition (i donât really care about how my body looks + iâve never really cared about changing any of it), but i would like to be seen a guy â i donât mind if not so by strangers, but maybe so by like, my friends. but i canât help but feel like iâd be laughed at for wanting that â iâm not naturally androgynous or masculine looking to others and i have never been mistaken for a guy, because i have really long hair, d cups, and curves. and without medically transitioning, i also kinda feel like iâm⌠betraying the trans community, since iâm not really putting the effort into my transition and so iâm just âpretendingâ, even though i do know iâm not.
so my question would be: as a trans person who has transitioned, socially and medically, do you think people are more understanding than i think they are currently? do you know of any trans people who donât want to medically transition, and do you think itâs possible to live fulfilled that way? or even: do you think it would be easier for someone like me to just live a lie? i usually tell people iâm a lesbian, because they definitely would not look at me and assume âstraight guyâ, but also, as a trans person who doesnât want to medically transition, iâm just always worried that i wonât be taken seriously. i feel like your experience of being trans and probably interacting with the community is much more than mine, which is why i ask this last one â i would try being open myself, but again, iâm still living with my parents unfortunately.
I'll be honest I don't actually really know much "community" save for former art school classmates. I've only known one trans person irl who chose not to medically transition - at the time, Finland's trans law was still shitty and required sterilisation for legal sex change, and all that. She didn't want kids or anything, but refused to engage in the process as her own little personal civilian protest. I don't want to paint some caricature picture of some Sharp Dommy Tall Scary Goth Trans Anarchist, but I was deeply impressed by the way she didn't do a single thing to try to seem smaller, softer, or in any way submissive or docile to be ~feminine~ the right, socially accepted way.
She wasn't just taller than most men but usually the tallest person in the room, and she stood out in a crowd of cis women like a crane in a chicken coop - a bird just as much as they are, but a different kind of bird. And I remember thinking that I could never do that, being so unflinching and unhesitant about standing out in the crowd because assimilating and muting yourself is beneath your dignity.
Honestly, I don't know what to tell you about being openly trans without transitioning medically, save for that it takes more guts than being able to just go stealth. I had physical dysphoria about the way my body was, and was desperate to get top surgery just for the sake of my own physical comfort, and I like the convenient anonymity of being able to just be Just Some Guy who doesn't attract anyone's interest or curiosity.
It's a smart move to not come out to your parents before you're out of their house and not relying on them for anything - this is something everyone should use their own judgement for, but I stress it to every queer kid to not take the risk if there's any chance that they'll react poorly while they still have power over you. But living your whole life in the closet - "living a lie" is a good way to put it - will corrode you from the inside.
It's better to live in peace with yourself and against the world, than in peace with the world against yourself. There is absolutely nothing in your power that you could do to change the minds of people who have already decided that they don't respect you, and if they try telling you that they would, if you only met their approved criteria, they are lying. That's bait they're dangling in front of you, and there's no "earning" the respect of such people.
Stay true to yourself and be good to people, and you'll have the respect of people who are capable of respecting you. Don't waste your time and energy on people who won't respect you, every thought and effort you spare them is wasted on them.
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Symbol on the Surface Chapter 3
WC: 2,8k
Relationship: SwissAlps
Tags: Transmasc Swiss, Pregnancy, Mentions of Vomiting, Medical Quintessence, Panic Attack, Nausea, Food Repulsion, Gender Dysphoria, Very Brief Abortion Talk, Hurt/Comfort
âDoes that fit what you were thinking?â âIâmâŚactually pregnant?â
Notes: Tysm to @jimothybarnes for beta reading :3
Chapter 1 here or on AO3.
Read chapter 3 under the cut or on AO3.
Swiss all but runs to the infirmary, wanting to get there before he changes his mind.
He feels stupid for even considering it.
Hoping?
Either way, something is really wrong with him and he has to get himself checked out.
The way he stumbles into Omegaâs office makes the older ghoul jump behind his desk and furrow his brows; instinctively looking for injuries on Swiss âAre you okay, whatâs on fire? Or whoâs on fire?â
âNo, no fireâor no, fireâs in my fucking guts and itâs driving me crazy,â the multi ghoul pants, slumped against the door frame. The trip shouldnât have tired him as much as it did, âlikeâyou know how youâre hungover and want to puke, butâthatâs just nausea, but Iâm rarely nauseous and lately itâs been just, oh my lord below, you know, itâs likeââ
âSwissâŚâ
âNo, no, I know, I know I sound crazy, butâmy skin feels weird, my insides feel weird and my everything is so messed up,â he continues his ramble, âand I feel like absolute shit, you know when itâs like a train ran you over? Yeah, so I usually donât care, but now Iâm losing my mind âcause Iâm low-key scared and nowânow Iâm here and Mountainâs asleep âcause I think I left a lung in the fucking toilet soââ
âSwiss!â Omegaâs raised voice finally snaps the multi ghoul out of it. âCalm down and tell me whatâs wrong.â
âIâm sorry, can you justâcheck me out forâŚeverything?â
âEverything?â Omega questions. âWhy wonât you just tell me what your concerns are?â
âBecause even though I doubt itâs possible my brain decided to fixate on it and I don't want to make even a bigger fool out of myself, so just please, scan me over with your quintessence, or something, and just tell me what you see.â
The quintessence ghoul is currently more concerned with the otherâs mental state, rather than his physical one, but he will do what Swiss is asking of him. After all heâs there to help, whatever the issue may be and however he has to discover it. Omega stands up and points at an empty gurney on the other side of his office. âWhy donât you sit down, try to relax a little.â
Swiss obeys, although itâs not so easy to just relax. He tries his best, taking a few deep breaths as Omega puts on his glasses and walks up to him.
âIâll put one hand on your shoulder and the other one on your chest, is that okay?â Swiss nods. âAlright, then, letâs seeâŚâ
Omegaâs quintessence flows into him and makes his entire body tingle as it travels through his veins and along his nerves and penetrates layer after layer of skin.
Swiss becomes uncomfortably aware of every single piece of his mortal vessel and tries to take a deep calming breath; it only makes him strangely aware of his lungs, too.
Itâs the longest five seconds in the multi ghoulâs life, he thinks, as he feels the other inspect him whole, looking forâ
Omega tries to stay professional and not make his internal shock external.
Surely not, it canât be.
He grits his teeth and goes to double check.
How�
âOhâŚâ he finally mutters, pulling back.
ââOhâ what!?â
âDo you, uhâŚâ Swiss doesnât like Omegaâs confused and frankly scared expression at all, âdo you want to see what I see?â
âUhm, I guessâŚâ He shrugs, chuckling nervously and trying his very fucking best to keep his composure. Omega steps forward and puts his hands on either side of Swissâ head, fingers pressing lightly into his temples.
âOkay, let me in.â Swiss doesâitâs easy; the anxiety is making his walls lower and thinner. He closes his eyes to focus on the image the quintessence ghoul is showing him. âSo this is how I normally see a ghoul, the light is their energy, their essence. Not a soul, justâŚenergy.â
Itâs like a vague human-like shape in a darkness, in a void. The edges of the form are fuzzy and itâs filled with a faint colorful light, but what stands out is a blindingly bright orb of pure light in the middle of the shapeâs chest.
âOkay. Whatâs wrong with mine?â
âNothing. But this is how Iâm seeing you now.â The image shifts andâŚthree more lights, so much duller and smaller than the first one, show up in the area of Swissâ lower abdomen.
âOhâŚâ
âYeah,â Omega sighs, âdoes that fit what you were thinking?â
âIâmâŚactually pregnant?â Swiss chokes out. The words nearly get stuck in his throat, becauseâŚhow can it be real? âWith three kits?â
âYou are,â the quintessence ghoul confirms and the ringing in Swiss�� ears gets deafening.
âHâhow is that even possible?â he hears himself asking, but he canât feel his mouth moving.
âGood question. I have no idea, I guess the best answer is that youâre a walking miracle all over and Lucifer decided to grant one more. Or rather three.â
âCan you, uhmâŚâ his voice cracks; this is getting way too much too quickly, âcan you get Mountain for me?â
âOf course. Baby daddy?â
âYeah, IâI supposeâŚheâs the only one whoâwho gets in there,â Swiss admits, making Omega chuckle despite everything. Heâs trying to stay composed, but this is a first one for him, too. Heâs not as scared as the multi ghoulâobviouslyâbut itâsâŚtense.
Swiss is absolutely freaking out.
âHolyâholy shit, what the fuck, oh myâoh Lucifer, what the fuck!?â he mutters under his breath. Or maybe itâs just in his head?
He doesnât know how much time passes before they hear the door to the infirmary slam open.
âWhat happened? Whatâs wrong, my heart, are you alright?â Mountain barges in demanding answers; a strong smell of worry reaching Swiss and Omega before the earth ghoul himself does. Heâs completely disheveled; itâs clear he jumped straight out of bed to come for his mate.
Swiss just stares at him, though, with glassy eyes and mouth slightly agape.
Mountain gets even more worriedâitâs rare his mate is speechless. He turns to the other ghoul in the room, âOmega, whatâs wrong with him?â
âNothingâs wrong, heâs justâŚa little overwhelmed,â Omega replies. Mountain gets to them and immediately takes Swiss into his arms. âSwiss, do you want to tell him yourself or do you want me to?â
The multi ghoul tries to come back to earth, get himself together to consider the question that heâs just been asked.
âIâI can, uhâŚâ he stutters and pauses to take a big breath, âIâmâIâmâŚpregnant. WeâreâŚweâre having kits, big guy.â
Mountainâs jaw drops. âWhâthisâŚwhat? Are youâyouâre not joking, right? That would be really cruel, please, my heart, tell me itâs not a joke, I needâweâre gonna have kits?â
His immediate excitement changes the air in the room and gives Swiss somethingâŚsomething positive to cling to. Physically he is clinging to Mountain already, but he finds breathing a little easier now.
âWeâre gonna have kits,â Swiss confirms. His mateâs heart is pounding and he looks between the multi ghoul and Omega with his mouth agape.
âYouâre both in shock right now, and understandably so,â the quintessence ghoul says, âso Iâll let you go and just text Mountain some information. Iâd like to see and talk with you both about some important things to consider as soon as you feel up to it, okay? Now off you go, Iâm prescribing a good meal and long sleep for both of you.â
Swiss doesnât really register leaving the infirmary, walking through the Abbeyâs corridors and getting back to the Den. Mountain all but carries him all the way, chewing on his own lip; heâs an absolute wreck inside, but has to stay strong for Swiss right now. Heâll give himself to all the emotions later, when his mate is taken care of.
They get to the ghoulâs kitchen and the smell of food makes Swiss realize where he is. It makes another wave of nausea hit him, though, and he only takes a few sips of water Mountain poured him.
âI canât eat now,â he mumbles, âIâm sorry,â
âItâs okay, I understand,â Mountain sighs, rubbing his back as he drinks, âitâs, uhâŚvery stressful right now.â
Swiss nods and empties the glass. He only speaks again when theyâre in their bedroom.
âHow do weâŚwhat about the pack? Theyâll notice, how can weâwe canât not tell them.â
âNot now, darling, try not to think so much, letâs try to get some sleep.â
Heâd like thatâheâs exhaustedâbut thereâs so many things flailing around in his brain; itâs impossible not to think. Swiss doesnât even notice he starts getting hotter and breathing heavier, but Mountain does; unfortunately familiar with his mateâs panic attacks.
âHey, hey, look at me,â he grabs him with care to get his attention. âIâm scared, too, look at me, darling.â
Itâs a little while before the multi ghoul can make eye contact, but once he does the fresh-grass-green of Mountainâs eyes makes him grow calmer and calmer by the second.
âIâm sorry,â he mutters before falling face first into his mateâs chest. He feels so stupid for all of this.
âNo, my heart, donât be,â the earth ghoul reassures. âI told you: Iâm scared, too, but weâll be alright.â
The embrace of Mountainâs strong arms makes Swissâ exhaustion finally take over and he feels his eyes closing. The earth ghoul manhandles him into a cuddling position and holds him close.
A feeling akin to disgust creeps up on Swiss before he manages to fall asleep, though. Itâs that strange sense of dread and wrongness he knows very well. Itâs telling him this is all wrong.
Men donât get pregnant, so it must mean heâs justâstillâa girl in a pathetic disguise.
Swiss swallows against the bile rising in his throat, focuses on his mate's heartbeat under his ear and wills himself to fall asleep.
He wakes up calm. He doesnât have the urge to throw all his guts upâat least at the moment, he doesnât want to jinx it. He stretches a little and snuggles further into Mountain andâ
Oh. Itâs not morning andâ
That happened.
The multi ghoul tenses up and his hands instinctively clench to grab at his mate. Heâs awake and kicks up a purr in an attempt to soothe Swiss a little, âHey, darling, itâs okay, donât stress.â
Swiss doesnât reply, he just takes a deep breath of Mountainâs fresh scentâthe smell of the first days of summer. Itâs okay.
âReady to talk?â the earth ghoul asks after a while, when Swiss is fully awake again. He nods, sitting up.
âFirst of all, uhâŚI got that text from Omega when you were asleep and he said itâs not too late toâŚyou know,â Swissâ stomach turns a little at the unsaid part. He appreciates having the choice, but he canât. âYou donât have to keep them.â
âI want to, I canât get rid of them! I love them already, theyâre our babies,â he admits and the earth ghoulâs chest warms up at the words. âAnd you got so excited!â
âI, uhâŚwell, yes, I did,â he chuckles nervously. âI've always wanted to have kits and I want nothing more than to have them with you, but you have to be ready. You can't make this decision because of how I feel, it's your body.â
âNo, I know, butâŚâ Swiss sighs and drags a hand down his face. Heâs so tired. âI want them, I really do.â
âOkay. Well, then, weâll do our best to keep you safe and comfortable so that their growing spot is all cozy and when theyâre here we will be the best parents that they could ever have. Right?â
âRight.â The multi ghoul nods andâŚthatâs it. Their talk is done, their decision is made. Swiss gets a thought, though, âBut what ifââ
Mountain doesnât let him finish, cutting him off with a smile on his face. âWeâll worry about âwhat ifâs if any show up. Letâs go try to get some food in you now, alright?â
âOkayâŚâ Swiss agrees, even smiling slightly himself. They climb out of bed and put on some presentable clothes to head down to the kitchen. Swiss really doesnât want to see anyone, so they quickly grab something and all but run back to their room to hide again.
âDo you want to see Omega again today so all the inevitable stress is packed into one day and then you can relax when thatâs done?â the earth ghoul asks once the food is gone. Swiss didnât eat muchâhis appetite nonexistent the last few daysâonly nibbled at stuff here and there, but itâs better than nothing.
âYeah, I think so,â he agrees, so Mountain texts the quintessence ghoul. He asks him to come down to the Den, to have the talk in the comfort of their own space, for Swissâ sake. Omega, of course, doesnât mind and is happy to do it like this.
The earth ghoul gets a chair by the bed for him and once settled in it, Omega begins his lecture. âGhoul pregnancies are really short, only seven months. The kits come out tiny, but they grow rapidly for the next while and at around six months old they slow down and carry on like a one year old human baby would. It makes it more comfortable for a ghoul pregnant with a litter to carry on in the Pits, not be slowed down much and weaker.
However, this can look very differently Topside. This has never happened before and even though I know all about pregnant ghouls and kits in Hell and all about pregnant humans on Earth, I have no idea what to do with you.
What I know for sure is that you need a lot of rest, no weed, alcohol or caffeine. Weâll be meeting once a week to check on both you and your kits. Their elements will be a mystery until theyâre born, but it seems like thereâs a lot of water to them. I just hope for your sake they wonât take much earth or quintessence, at least not now.â
âWhy?â Swiss asks with a frown. He doesnât want to think about all the other things Omega has just said, itâs all soâŚscary and so much.
âBecause it would be very dangerous for all parties involved if they got as big as a typical earth or quintessence kit,â he explains. The multi ghoul can feel his hand being squeezed by his mate. âAt this point we have to be mentally prepared for anything. Itâs a miracle and a mystery, anything can happen.â
Swiss and Mountain are quiet, waiting for even more scary information, but the quintessence ghoul stands up and walks to the door. âThatâs, uhâI think thatâs it. We should make a little group chat for the three of us and keep in contact at all times. Remember my emergency twenty-four seven number, too.â
Omega stops before he crosses the threshold and turns with a slight grimace. âOne more thingâŚas I said, itâs a miracle. I wouldâŚwait a bit before announcing it, at least outside of the pack. As hard as it is for me to say, thereâs a big chance they wonât live.â
The face Swiss makes at the words is easily the saddest thing both Omega and Mountain had ever seen. The latter brings his mate closer
âIâll do everything in my power to help you two. Well, all five of you. I want to see those kits born and healthy in your arms,â Omega promises before leaving. The silence that surrounds Mountain and Swiss once the door is shut behind the quintessence ghoul is deafening.
âI asked the pack to give us a few days to process,â Mountain says to break it. âI didnât say what, but you know them, nobodyâs prying. They respect our need for space.â
Swiss nods and turns to bury his face in his mateâs neck.
âHow about we go to the cabin for a few days?â the earth ghoul offers. âA nice week off just for us to think and relax, hm?â
âYeah, thatâd be nice,â Swiss admits and even musters up a soft little smile. Mountain canât see it but he knows exactly how a smile against his neck feels with his mateâs stubble.
âWeâll be alright, my heart,â he whispers into his ear, âall five of us, weâll have a little family. Everything will be okay, I love you so much.â
âI love you, too,â Swiss mumbles and shuts his eyes. His hand instinctively goes to his stomachâheâs been feeling the urge to protect it for the last few weeks, but it makes sense only now.
Mountain looks at Swissâ hand splaying over his little bump and smiles; itâs all terribly scary, but heâs so excited and happy and proud at the same time. He puts his own hand over his mateâs and nuzzles his face into his hair.
Theyâll be alright.
Taglist: @arkeusruin @skele-bunny @everybodyshusband @ratsummer @jazz-bazz @mac-and-thefox @karmicbias @wine-irytatus
#hypnone writes#the band ghost#nameless ghouls#swiss ghoul#mountain ghoul#swissalps#symbol on the surface#cw pregnancy
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Boymoding is getting exhausting.
And yay, toxic thought time that's going to be anecdotal and probably come off as somewhat sexist. But I hope it doesn't.
The thing that's really wearing down on me is emotional responses, I think. When cis women cry or show emotion as part of their daily routine, it's still taboo, but often accommodated more than others. I'm going through a lot of emotional swings right now, and there's a very stark difference in how those are treated vs how it's treated in others. And I don't know if that'll ever change, tbh, but hopefully at least someone will acknowledge that it's rough. Even with the good, close friends I have, there very much is a gap in what level of emotion elicits sympathy vs ignoring it or treating it as an overreaction in men vs women. I'm a "man" now, and simply don't get the space for that emotional support as a casual daily thing. It's not uncommon for people in academia to cry or be overwhelmed and anxious, and it's becoming more and more obvious how that's treated in men vs women. It's always a thought I had in the back of my head, but I'm noticing it a lot more now that I'm outwardly a man but have a lot more visibly emotional moments.
Its weird. I have made efforts to be more open about bisexuality, and my day to day vibe has gotten fruitier as a result. A lot of cis women friends have gotten closer to me as a result, but they very clearly treat me with a "gay best friend" kinda vibe. Which is honestly fun, but it provides an interesting baseline for the biases people have in how much emotion men vs women are allowed to show, even among good friends.
On the flip side, another thing I'm becoming more acutely aware of (even though I always knew it was a thing, it just feels more pressing now) is how casually women are ignored, talked over, disregarded, etc etc when compared to men in a academia. I've always known this was a problem, but it's been on my mind a lot more recently.
Top all of that off with the endless physical considerations of compressive bras, managing the way I walk, baggy clothes, mitigating dysphoria vs hiding my transition, not accidentally slipping into my shitty voice training voice while going around daily, making time for injections now, taking sublingual pills midday when I was still on those... Yeah. It adds up.
I've tried making my transition an "open secret" by going to social events and queer events femme, and I know word gets around to labmates and such. I just don't know who exactly knows, and the barrier of actually talking to people about it is huge. I really think, for my own sanity, I need to start telling people what's up even before I socially transition.
I'm particularly moody and stressed bc of my qual tomorrow, but yeah. Consider this a toxic unfocused rant. I'll probably have more to say in a more focused way in a couple days.
Oh also. Please don't be like "ooohhh then why are you still boymoding idiot" cuz that's not helpful. There's a right moment to socially transition and I have a plan.
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