#incorrect quotes funny

[menace-behaviour]

*During a School Group Firehouse Tour*

Buck: *Holding a Fire Grenade* This here is my favourite piece of firefighting equipment. It's cal-

School Child: You've said that about every single thing you've shown us so far.

Buck: Said what?

School Child: That the thing is your favourite. You can only have one favourite thing. That's, like, the definition of "Favourite".

Buck: Says who? I can have more than one favourite thing. Anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. This is called a Fire Grenade. Despite its name, it actually stops fires when it explodes rather than starting them...

[mjbunnyluv]

Zhongli: Are you mad? Childe: No. Zhongli: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

[literally-rachel-berry]

(all quotes came from screenshots of convos with my friends)

[underthetree845]

Armin: *eating a cinnamon roll* Y/n: Cannibalism. Armin: *confused chewing noises*

Source: https://perchance.org/incorrect-quote-generator

[jeena-says-hi]

Nimona: I am in a lot of pain

Ballister: Do you mean emotional pain, or - OH GOOD GLORETH THAT IS A LOT OF BLOOD

Nimona: Pain, yes

[luvleeknowie]

Felix the world

Chan: The world doesn't evolve around you Hyunjin. Hyunjin: Wanna bet? Chan: Bet. *Slams £100 on the table* Hyunjin: Hey Felix, would you mind running around me in a circle for a minute? Felix: Yey! I thought you'd never ask! Hyunjin: Now, it does.

(Reblogs and votes are much appreciated <3)

[traveller-of-the-knight]

*ok, but what is Jake's stragle?*

[everwalldigan]

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[artsymeeshee]

[menace-behaviour]

*Gearing up to save Bobby and Athena from the Cruise Ship*

Buck: *Loudly* Woah! What is that?!

Eddie: This is an aircraft hanger, Buck. You know that’s a helicopter.

Buck: *Regular Volume* I saw an Instagram Reel that said if you look confused enough in a cool place, hot and nerdy dudes will just flock to you like flies.

Eddie:

Buck: And I’m trying to land a hot pilot husband. I can’t keep being the only smoke show in the relationship!

Eddie: Is that really your priority, right now?

Buck: I’m multi-tasking!

[mjbunnyluv]

Deku: Kacchan and I don't use pet names.

Todoroki: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Deku: Honey?

Bakugou: Yes, Dear?

Deku:...

Todoroki: Don't ever lie to my face again.

[jeena-says-hi]

Chris: Why are you hiding in the hippo sub?

Martin: I wanted to see what would happen if I taped a knife to a Guinea fowl flapper

Chris: Okay. and?

Martin: I went to put the tape away and when I turned back around it was gone. I haven't seen it since.

(Five minutes later)

Aviva, walking into the room: Why are you both hiding in the hippo sub?

Chris: RUN AWAY AVIVA, RUN AWAY! IT'S OUT FOR BLOOD!

[crowleys-hips]

[galaxymagitech]

Jason (Age 12): I’m not gonna die from inhaling cigarette smoke, quit worrying, B.

Jason (Age 15): *dies from smoke inhalation*

Jason (Age 19): Well, it wasn’t the cigarettes.

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham’s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???