#in our system and so I have a lot of thoughts about it

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi Miss Raven! I am here today to ask if you have any thoughts on Ortho’s age. I see a lot of people saying that Ortho is mentally a child which is the reason he’s left out of a lot of like x reader stuff which I totally understand why that would be uncomfortable. Sometimes I see people saying that Ortho is actually closer to 16 though? I’m kinda confused now so I wanted your opinion. Thanks and sorry if this is an uncomfortable subject or something.

Like I expressed in this post about Malleus’s mental age, I don’t think there’s a very obvious right or wrong answer to this. To the second anon, please refer to the post I linked to answer your question.

I understand that people can be uncomfortable shipping Ortho with other characters, who are typically teenagers or actual adults, due to how he appears very young. That’s entirely their right to do so, and it’s a valid stance to have. I myself choose to avoid shipping Ortho too, but I have additional reasons that I won’t get into here since it gets sort of personal 😅 However, I also hold the opinion that Ortho is not mentally a child, even if he may physically present as one because of his small stature.

Let’s quickly review the lore behind Ortho and why some fans see him as a child. He’s a technomantic android created by Idia and imbued with the memories of the original Ortho, the younger Shroud brother who passed away in a horrible accident. In 6-75, we learn that Idia was 10 years old at the time of this accident, meaning that Ortho was 2 years younger than him at 8 (since Idia is currently 18 and, in book 7, Ortho is starting his first year at RSA as a 16-year old).

Ortho mentions in his Birthday Gear vignettes that he has the strongest birthday memories of 11 years ago. If we assume Ortho is 16ish now (also stated in his Birthday Gear), this seems to imply that OG!Ortho died after his 5th birthday, perhaps as young as 5 years old. Idia would be 7ish around the time Ortho is 5. Factoring in the 2 years that pass after Ortho’s death, Idia is would be 9-10ish. This creates a potential contradiction, as the S.T.Y.X. researchers appear to claim Idia was 10 at the time of Ortho’s death and not 2 years after it. The only way this works is if they were talking about 10 year-old Idia in the present, but Idia was actually closer to 7-8 when he hacked the security systems 💦 I’m going to assume ghat the “strongest birthday memories” mentioned in the Birthday Gear vignettes simply refers to a very detailed memory due to the happiness OG!Ortho experienced that year, not that it was the last birthday he experienced before death.

It should also be noted that it took Idia roughly 2 years to actually make the technomantic android we now know as Ortho. If we add these 2 years to Ortho's original age at death (5 to 8), he would be around 7-10ish in his new form. For the sake of simplicity, I will assume the older age estimates in the rest of their discussion.

Ortho's official profile lists his height as 148 cm, which is significantly more than the height of the average 10-year old boy (~138.5 cm). His actual height is, however, very close to the average height of a 12-year old boy (149 cm). Ortho at this point also sounds different than the child Ortho we see in Idia's post-OB flashback, indicating that our Ortho is slightly older than at the time of death. Idia most likely designed robo!Ortho to match the age Ortho would have been at, had he lived those 2 years.

Altogether, this, at best, places Ortho at 8 years old minimum and 10, maybe 12 years old maximum. That makes him not even a teenager yet--so why do I think he's actually closer to 16 mentally and not 10-12? Because he knows much more than the average child does and is able to very eloquently verbalize his vast knowledge.

Now, I do think an argument can be made that Ortho only knows as much as he does (including his vocabulary) because of his inherent nature as a robot and not as an organic being. Ah, and here's the crux of the issue: can we judge an android by the same standards as that of a human??? In my eyes, a gifted or genius child cannot compete with the capabilities of a supercomputer. Ortho is equipped with very advanced learning algorithms, which allow him to pick up on and learn quickly--and this is something that I equate with his ability to grow and develop as though he were human. In Fairy Gala If, Ortho defines his own understanding of evolution and applies that concept to his runway walk. Even the emotions that Ortho currently expresses are the result of him learning from the media he consumes and then emulating them. He's formally recognized as a student late in book 6 as well, which effectively makes him a first year (most of which are 16ish). I assume that Ortho even starts to take classes meant for first year high school students at that point, and has no issues with the difficulty of the material. I think that, to label him as 10-12ish or even 8, it unnecessarily infantilizes Ortho minimizes his own advanced ability to learn and grow and change: things that are most definitely human.

I also think that Ortho's behaviors are too mature for a typical child. That's not to say that he's the peak of maturity (let's not forget how often he defaults to trying to laser beam his problems away), but Ortho is typically very logical and relies on cold, hard facts to make optimal decisions. He is also the one that usually moderates Idia and tries to encourage healthy behaviors in him, like socializing, leaving his room, sleeping on time, eating well, trying new things, etc. Ortho is essentially his brother's keeper for a good chunk of the main story and in vignettes (like Ceremonial Robes) and events (Harveston Sledathon, Wish Upon a Star, etc.). This isn't an absolute, of course. I can see people pointing out that Ortho only acts logical because he's a robot, or that little kids are sometimes forced to "grow up" faster due to their pressing circumstances (which, in this case, is Idia and his anxiety). These are valid interpretations too. If memory serves correctly, the students at NRC don't exactly treat Ortho like some baby that wandered onto campus. At most, they tend to just refer to him as Idia's kid brother. ("Kid" here not referring to Ortho literally being a child; it could also be interpreted as "younger" brother or the "younger/little" Shroud.) The few who do make fun of him for looking young tend to be mobs or painted as misunderstanding him (as is the case with Ortho's Ignihyde Gear vignettes). Ortho even seems to be surprised at being mistaken for a child by Diasomnia mobs: "A kid? Oh, you must not know who I am since you're freshmen."

Idia had the liberty to design Ortho's body however he wanted. As previously stated though, it's likely that he modeled the body off of the age of death rather than updating it to reflect a more mature mentality. In other words, Ortho's body doesn't reflect what he knows or how he acts. If I had to give a real world comparison, it's like how there are really short adults--but that doesn't make them any less of an adult just because they're short; they often can't help their bodies being that way. (In Idia's book 7 dream, Ortho at age 16 is still depicted as being short.)

I do think that, to some degree, Ortho is aware that he presents like a child and knows how to use this to his advantage to get his way. He sometimes plays it up to beg Idia to come out of his room, and, in his Ignihyde Gear vignettes, Ortho plays innocent to Trein so that it seems like some mob students are bullying him (even though the truth is that Ortho was playing embarrassing videos of said mob students for he public to view). "Professor, I was just minding my own business and drying the sheets when these two started yelling at me... *sniffle*"

Those are my thoughts! Please bear in mind that this is just my own interpretation; it's in no way canon, and nor am I insisting it to be. Ortho's age is officially stated as "undefined", so I don't think there's a clear number we can put to him. It's really up to individual interpretation! I hope that I was able to provide both sides to the argument and sufficient information for you to come to your own conclusions about Ortho's age ^^

[chongoblog]

oooh which RPGMaker game did you mean for wasted potential, if you don’t mind me asking?

I've ranted about it before (I've thought about this game ever since I first played it way back, like, a decade or so ago), but I love yapping so I'll tell it again with the caveat of if I see anyone who follows me finding this game and harrassing this developer, then I genuinely find you to be worse than anything I feel about this game (which I won't even be naming). I have respect for them to the extent where they've still created a game and expressed themselves creatively.

Anyway, this RPGMaker game's big twist is that you play as the main character (whose name we'll say is Tina because I can't remember her actual name), however the main character is aware of the fact that you are controlling her. This leads to a lot of drama between you and the player. The problem arises from the fact that "you" have dialogue that's already been written by the game. So it's not really the main character having drama with you as much as the main character having drama with "you". This can lead to a lot of issues for obvious reasons. For example, from what I remember "you" are portrayed as pretty masc-coded and as a sort of love interest for the main character. That can be fun for some people if they want to insert themselves and have that kind of a relationship (never mind the power dynamic), but odds are there will be SOMETHING at odds with the player and takes them out of the experience. Once that happens, the relationship stops being about the player and the character and it becomes about the character known as "You" and Tina. The other big sticking point I had with it was that it was incredibly railroad-y. This isn't really the fault of the dev, since opening up possibilities would EASILY lead to scope creep, but it is very strange to have Tina go on a diatribe about "oh my godddd I'm no longer in control of my own actions, this is crazy I'm at the whims of some other external force oh no" only for you to try to get Tina to go into A Weird Room and for her to go "hmm...maybe we should find our way out of the hospital and head for My House!"

I've been thinking about this game ever since I first played it. Despite my many complaints (I still have a few others), I still respect them for not only having a cool idea, but putting their energy into executing it. And I've had an idea for how to build on the concept.

Here's the big one: NO Dialogue from the player stand-in. Kind of a classic rule (see your Gordons and Links). But that does lead to some difficulty, since the game's central focus is the relationship between the player and the main character. So how do we communicate with the MC? Through actions.

For example, I've been pondering a sort of combat system for this where it rewards cooperation between you and the MC. Basically, the idea is that throughout the game, you can have the main character learn magic (so long as you walk him to the right places). But the thing is that you only control his BODY. Not his mind (or whatever ethereal power magic comes from). So he manages to break out of your control JUST enough that he can move the fingers on his right hand. Whenever you're in combat with an enemy, he'll put out a certain number of fingers to signify what kind of magic he wants to channel. From there, you can move the MC's body, and depending on how you move their body, they can perform multiple types of attacks. So let's say MC is holding up 3 fingers, which you've been told means he's going to be channeling Fire. Then you can choose his action, whether it be Shield (creates a fire shield), Sword Slash (a burning strike), Punch (a Flaming Uppercut), Arrows (A flaming bow), etc. with each combination of element and physical action having a different effect.

Another one that I've mentioned in the past is that when the game begins the MC would want to know how to address you, to which he says "hey, tell ya what, I can't hear you, so walk me over to that pen and paper and you can write down your name!" and what you write on that paper will determine what the name on the file is called. BUT, you can also walk out of the room without writing your name, at which point the MC will just say "okay fine asshole, I'll just call you Jerkface" and your file's name is now Jerkface.

Anyway, that's my thoughts. From what I've seen it seems like Deltarune might be kind of going in this direction so I'm excited to see where it goes. Even so I might want to give it a try myself. I just need to nut up and do it.

[luxiomahariel]

i think the miscommunication boils down to:

a lot of trans men/mascs DO want to emulate cis manhood/masculinity

but we are othered by cis society which forces us into an othered category away from cis manhood/masculinity that is trans manhood/masculinity

the rest of the trans men/mascs that dont want to emulate trans manhood/masculinity end up also gravitating to that category of trans manhood/masculinity just because they prefer it, rather than wanting to emulate cis manhood/masculinity

the disconnect comes from people thinking that trans men/mascs are inherently part of the cis manhood/masculinity crowd which is the one that afforded (cis) male privilege, and with us in the trans manhood/masculinity bubble saying that, actually no, we cant access that bubble, its seen as us "denying" our manhood/masculinity and "thinking we're actually women/feminine", when we're just saying "no, we're somewhere else in this dichotomy"

the men/mascs that DO pass and DO want to emulate cis manhood/masculinity, meanwhile, shun us for saying that we're in this trans manhood/masculinity bubble because for them, the only other option is that womanhood/femininity bubble, and since they want to emulate manhood/masculinity, they want to feel validated by saying that they ARE given that "male privilege" and "are oppressors of women" even though they dont and never will gain that SYSTEMIC power over other trans* people. they want to feel powerful and to emulate toxic masculinity so people can see that theyre just like the shitty oppressive cis men, to distract from the fact that theyre so insecure about their manhood/masculinity, even though it would benefit them more to fight alongside us to gain rights for the trans men/mascs who arent able to access gender affirming care as easily as they were

idk if this is making any sense but those are just some thoughts i have at the moment that i wanted to get out there

[formidablefangs]

Honestly tiring that this needs to be said and reiterated so often.

A system is a defense mechanism created by the brain as a reaction to a traumatic even (typically multiple) during childhood development. It's the disruption of the development of self and a covert disorder.

So terms like system, multiple and (though we personally dislike this one) plural, are therefore medical terms in the context of a disorder.

Basic proper research should show this.

This is why the community tries so hard to defend its terms and repeats that being a system is a neurological and psychological medical matter.

This is why we hate the fact that there are people using our terms and claiming to have the expirience of our disorder without the required points of diagnosis that make it happen.

We're upset because there are people:

A) grooming minors and others with disinformation and misinformation into believing something either they dont have or that's the wrong thing they're experiencing entirely.

B) claiming to have a similar expirience to us without bothering to properly look into it

C) have something else but plaster pur terms over it to try and pretend to be like us.

Yes some endos might just not remember their trauma, that's normal and exactly how the brain will work with this disorder.

Yes sometimes they actually just dont have the disorder and instead have something else or multiple other things that are going undiagnosed because they believe in false information.

Yes a lot of them are just looking for a place to fit in because that is human and what our brains need when we're going through things.

But for God sake we know more about how the brain works than people let on, there is documented research and still more research being done and if this misinformation/disinformation continues to spread and people continue to try to pander to and normalize endos then it will halt that research and stigmatize the disorder so it will be even harder for us to get help than it already is.

And on top of that if they cant just find something else to further separate from us, stop using system terms and use something more disconnected than they need to halt what they're doing now and do something else until they can figure it out.

Alters are pieces of the brain, parts of a whole self that failed to develop properly, they form from multiple things outside just trauma and trauma can be anything. But that doesnt mean alters that form from sources unrelated to trauma arent still "traumagenic", the system itself formed from trauma therefore all the alters and parts of the system follow suit in the defense mechanism the brain has made to cope.

Parts of you cannot move to someone elses brain.

Parts of you cannot die, but instead change. Theh fuse, split into different parts, go dormant but they cant die because they're a part of your self, a facet of you in your brain, and you as a person whole or not can change.

Parts of you that function as the brain does.

Alters exist for comfort, managing symptoms, dealing with memories, organizing the system, calming other alters, helping with daily or work or school tasks, every aspect of your mind and life the brain has developed a way of dealing with it through the system. Relationships and the bad things like intrusive thoughts included.

I sincerely hope that those who call themselves endo, those who use "system" terms under the endogenic umbrella and their supporters understand this, understand how the brain works and at least try to accept it.

I know we hate being put in a box, that people hate when things are restricted to a box, but with things like this medical condition, a disorder related to the function of the brain and psyche, the box is there for a reason to help understand how said thing works. Trying to force it outside the box is only hurting those who have it.

Systems are systems because of what happened to them. The expirience is different for everyone but theres a template in place to guide the understanding of it logically.

The fighting is tiring, people have talked it to exhaustion and to the people who continue to refuse to listen and instead chose to perpetuate the ignorance, I hope you can take a breather from the internet for a while and find something better to get into than this.

Its genuinely exhausting.

[vidavalor]

I noticed in the flashbacks that all the stories are biblical up until the crucifixion. After the cruxifiction there are no biblical stories but only non religious historical events. Thoughts?

Hi @i-go-like-the-raven! 💕Hope you're having a good week. That's a great observation. Some thoughts on Golgotha, Rome, and why the Biblical story flashbacks might stop with Jesus below.

My take on this would be that the wordplay-happy Good Omens has used the Biblical story flashbacks to make a bildungsroman that-- wait for it lol-- builds towards the ancient Roman flashback 😂 and all that follows.

A bildungsroman, for anyone who doesn't know, is a story that is focused on the first, initial formation of a character's identity and worldview through the development of their own core spiritual and philosophical beliefs. It's sometimes a story about young adulthood but it doesn't necessarily have to be as it's never too late to start down a more free-thinking path.

If we're open-minded, curious people, then we're all always growing and changing and learning-- that never stops-- but a bildungsroman is mainly concerned with the very first time that a person begins to gain a little independence from those who raised them and so starts to form their own identity and worldview.

This involves deciding what of that they were taught they are going to continue to believe. It involves experiencing a lot of things for the first time, meeting new people who offer up different perspectives, and learning about the larger world and different schools of thought. It's basically the results of a person's initial, independent exploration of life on Earth.

Traditionally, by the end of a bildungsroman, the characters have emerged more fully into themselves and are in a more mature stage of adulthood. They will continue to grow and change but that initial process of forming a core, independent view of themselves and the world is complete. This is what I think that the Biblical stories in Good Omens are accomplishing in the overall narrative of the story.

Good Omens isn't Bible fanfiction-- it's a satire of oppressive systems. It's using The Bible to come at ideas of patriarchy and fascism that cause harm to so many. The whole Bible is like that but the stories that they have chosen to take a flamethrower to here are probably the most damaging and well-known and the ones best suited to most dramatically come at patriarchy, obedience, authority, etc..

Good Omens is a story about human living that is tackling things like trauma and mental health and has themes about autonomy as freedom and how we're the author of our own lives. The stories chosen across the board-- both the flashbacks and ones just alluded to or used to form the story in the present, like Armageddon-- are all ones best suited to be gutted like a fish in support of Good Omens' themes.

In Good Omens, The Four Horsepeople and Armageddon are used to describe a mental health crisis. It's use of the book that has done more damage to more people than anyone can count by doing a spin on the story where it's actually about how you survive trauma born *of* The Bible and other tools of oppression. Eden and Genesis are getting into ideas about authority, obedience, genocide, gender, patriarchy...

There's a mocking of Leviticus across several scenes and its unhealthy ideas about consumption in different parts of the story at the same time as the story also takes on lunacy 'wellness' ideas via Famine and the foodless food of Chow. It's talking a lot about the queer hate born of Sodom & Gommorah (hold that thought, please, as someone else asked for a post on that). It chose Job for the center of the flashbacks, since that very fucked up story lives at the intersection of all of the story's themes.

But why might the Biblical flashbacks themselves end with Golgotha, as you ask?

Part of it, I think, is a witty little wink to the historical timeline that, for ages, stopped and restarted time with the birth of Christ-- B.C. and A.D.. Everything was centered around Jesus for everyone, whether you believed in that or not. The arrival of Jesus was the be all and end all of everything. This is also in Michael's description of Armageddon in S2-- how, if successful, Armageddon-- which supposedly includes the return of Jesus-- would mean the end of time and the world and the beginning of the misery of...

But The Second Coming is The Parousia, which is a Greek word meaning presence, and also what the concession stand in the theatre in the opening credits of S2 is named. This is a story about mindful, healthy living where Armageddon is a breakdown. This story is a lot more concerned about whether or not anyone is eating a cheese sandwich than it is about telling a story where Jesus is somehow back to judge everybody.

This is the Discworld-- we're all gods of the Disc. When we die, we go wherever we most believe we're supposed to be. That's what eternal life is. No one needs poor Jesus for that-- just leave him alone.

To this end, what has Good Omens done with Jesus to date?

He's just kinda there in the background for a minute in the flashbacks. 😂 Good Omens was basically like Jesus was a nice guy with some decent ideas, if a bit traumatized and repressed, and it's a damn shame he's dying in the background of this scene that is really focused on Crowley and Aziraphale and their romance.

Nothing says 'this story is not about The Bible but is using The Bible to come at toxicity that The Bible and things like it creates' more than this story about the angel and the demon living a human life on Earth has had Jesus on screen for exactly eleven seconds. 😂

Even better, the only thing about our main characters' personal connection to Jesus' story that we learn in this scene is that Crowley was who tempted Jesus in the desert-- a pitch-perfect detail that the food kinky Crowley, who is the antithesis of Raven Sable by design and believes in a more healthy way of living, was there going c'mon, man, why don't you flip those rocks into some bread? It's really, seriously not the end of the world? Starving yourself isn't great, actually?

But what makes that revelation in the Golgotha scene even better is the fact that it's an additional punchline to Aziraphale's flirtation in the present two episodes earlier. Jesus very famously shut down temptation in the desert-- so, in Good Omens, shut down Crowley-- with "get thee behind me, foul fiend" so when we find out that Jesus said that to Crowley, it makes the already deliciously blasphemous flirtation from Aziraphale back in 1.01 even funnier and filthier.

Here's the role of Jesus in Good Omens-- it's Aziraphale using a Jesus quote as sexual invitation. Telling Jesus' temptress that he has no intention whatsoever of resisting him like that uptight messiah did and he'd liked to be fucked asap, please. (The "after you" on the end of it is always the bit that sends me. 😂) This appears to be about as much Jesus as Good Omens plans on getting into here.

Jesus is in the background in Good Omens for a reason. The Second Coming is just Armageddon: Round Two. Jesus is not coming back to judge anybody. Frances McDormand is, in all likelihood, a Voice of God that talks to Aziraphale sometimes. She effectively is Aziraphale, which is probably why she's awesome.

Nothing about The Bible is going to happen in this story the way The Bible says it's going to happen because this is a satire, not Bible fanfiction. The angels and the demons exist in this story to talk about being human. This is a story about breaking these characters free of this stuff, not about retelling The Bible.

Golgotha is the end of the Biblical flashbacks because it's a scene contrasting definitions of the word passion. It's the Passion of the Christ meets the passion of the Crowley. The scene builds to the ending of our bildungsroman, which is Crowley telling Aziraphale that he's changed his name to Crowley. It symbolizes the identity he's formed for himself and, after S2, the audience understands it even more because, having seen the Job minisode, we now know why the crow.

We got the sense of this being a romantic admittance back in S1, largely based on Aziraphale's reaction to it, but after S2? There's no way not to see the intimacy and heat in Aziraphale being a little jealous about Crowley's reputation as the great seductress and Crowley replying with the revelation that he's given himself a name that they both know that only Aziraphale understands.

Directly off of this, we chronologically ditch The Bible story flashbacks for good because, while stuff like Armageddon can be used in the present for other parts of the story, there's no need to set these characters in these Biblical flashbacks anymore because those were the foundations of this romance and the bildungsroman. They're to get us to Rome. They're to develop Crawley and Aziraphale, the angel that was on apple tree duty, into Crowley and The Angel of The Eastern Gate.

And it stops right here-- with the passion of the Christ being contrasted with romantic passion-- because this is the set up for Rome, where they more fully start to break free.

Off of Golgotha, we jump to what, for them, is about 30 seconds into the future, into the first historical flashback, and it's in ancient Rome, which is to where our bildungsroman was building. It's time for them to start writing their own roman-- an old word for a novel. Their book of life began with Eden but The Bible stories are just their youthful origins and their life on Earth is the story they're writing together, for which the Biblical stories are just the first book and the start of the volume that is more fully their own is Rome.

Rome represents Crowley and Aziraphale both on the other side of their early Bible days. They also can't go any further with The Bible here because-- like for many humans whose experiences this is all paralleling-- it's the source of trauma. Crowley and Aziraphale are more definitively themselves by Rome-- more ready for something a bit more full grown. The story here and on out is about how it's human living that is healing and holy and that's going in the opposite direction of the self-denial of The Bible.

There ain't no story in The Bible that was ever gonna make for a flashback that could get Crowley a partnered oyster, ok? 😂 For that, he needed the emerged and a little more worldly Angel of The Eastern Gate, ya feel me?

Pretty much the most subversive thing this story does is pat The Bible on the head and say oh, flaying you alive to talk about how toxic you are will do nicely to form a nice little bildungsroman for the early days of this romance between these queers with religious trauma... but you're definitely not the basis of our entire story because that's about walking the Earth. We're going to jump to the history of the real world the second that angel and that demon go from hilariously parasexual ox ribs to the Aphrodite and Eros of actually going out for oysters.

The Bible flashbacks in Good Omens end with the passion of Golgotha contrasting death with the little death as it sets up for the romance of Rome and all the years of doing as the Romans do that follow.

[velvetvexations]

do you identify as transmasc at all, since you consider yourself both trans and male? /genuine question, i just love hearing trans people talk about the specifics of their identity

I've thought about it tbh. I try not to talk about it because I don't want to make anyone feel bad about it, but I kinna have a thing with really not liking the idea of SRS or otherwise having sexual characteristics other than I have.

I have to assert my maleness a lot, too. I don't really have a lot of contact with anyone outside of trans or trans-friendly people so the womanness is often given to me, which results in a weird situation where asserting I also identify as a male is more the task. Literally one of the things that made me finally outright put male in my pinned was during the course of my outreach efforts talking to Radfem Classics and finding that I got big fireworks of gender euphoria from them seeing me as a male who identifies as a woman even as I made efforts to correct their perception that applies to any other trans women besides myself.

From a kin angle, one of our system members, Rally, was AFAB in every life and a trans man in like half of them, which is fascinating because the rest of us were AMAB in every life. She literally identifies as a cis woman. She also has exotrauma and a strong desire to be completely void of biology entirely, preferring it if her software were running on a sexless android body. So that's in there somewhere.

[linnielemon]

An Analysis of the Revue of Resentment (or Kaoruko and the gluttony they talk about in the Bible)

Thank you to @is-nino-actually-luka and some Revue Starlight fans on Reddit for encouraging me to write this! After my quick drabble on Kaoruko, I knew I had to delve deeper. @tokyo-tower-symbolism already had some amazing thoughts on the FutaKao revue, so if you haven’t read it yet I highly recommend that you check it out!

DISCLAIMER: HUGE spoilers for the Revue Starlight movie and anime ahead, and my analysis expects you to have already seen it. If you know anything about Revstar, you’re aware of its highly surrealist and interpretive nature. If you don’t agree with my interpretation, I’d love to read your own, but don’t attack or send any hate to me. Furthermore, I’m organizing my thoughts thematically rather than chronologically, so they may be a bit out of order! I talk quite a lot about Futaba and Kaoruko as characters separately, so if you just want revue analysis, read Act I and then skip to Act IV!

ACT I. - Alcohol motifs and symbolism

ACT II. - Kaoruko and her motivations

ACT III. - Futaba and her motivations

ACT IV. - The Revue of Malice/Resentment

ACT I. - “We drink the poison our minds pour for us and wonder why our stomachs hurt.”

I want to start out by talking about alcohol and poison and how they relate to the revue. Since the Revue of Resentment occurs soon after the Revue of Annihilation, I believe some of the metaphors carry over. So this begins with Daiba Nana — after annihilating (get it?) all her classmates on top of a moving train, she declares: “It feels like… I’ve just drank a very strong sake.” It’s pretty clear she’s describing passing into a state of inebriation, submerged in the adrenaline after delivering such a dazzling performance.

But the thing about sake and alcohol is that it’s not good for you at all. Think about the inevitable kidney failure and hangover the next morning! And being drunk makes you do stupid things! So why do we keep drinking it? Because it makes it seem like it’s good. It tastes good, it feels good, and it’s so incredibly addicting. The system isn’t any good either, but the Stage Girls love performing too much to see it. Nana seems to know this but can’t really find it in her to stop. However, she’s thinks she’s wise enough to stop her friends from succumbing to the same fate, hence the time loop.

Junna pretty hilariously replies “but we’re minors.” I giggled at this on first viewing (Junna, guru of words, not understanding a metaphor!), but upon further reflection, it’s sort of heartbreaking. Maybe Junna doesn’t understand the metaphor, Junna who loves words so dearly, because she isn’t ready to yet. Junna’s perceptive enough and has the connection with Nana the others don’t, so while she’s just has surprised by the fact that all their stars might burn out and die, she understands quickly. But her words are reflective of her feelings — no one’s ready for that kind of life, or death. They’re too young and naive and hopeful. Junna doesn’t think her or any of the others are ready to consume that alcohol/drug/substance that Nana does. And I don’t think she’s quite ready to grow up. The Stage Girls are accustomed to basking in Starlight, but never actually grasping the actual Top Star (Hikari’s fate after becoming Top Star is a whole other post). After seeing what their fate might entail, they’re starting to doubt whether they have what it takes to make it in the industry. Will they burn brighter, or fizzle out?

Alcohol causes intoxication, like with Nana, or even alcohol poisoning. Which allows us to segue into my next topic — poison in the Revue of Resentment.

While it being alcohol poisoning is a bit of a stretch on my part, Kaoruko compares Futaba to a candy box. She lashes out at Claudine, exclaiming that Claudine has “eaten, destroyed, poisoned it.”

With the meaning of alcohol that I’ve already established, I can only assume that Kaoruko is claiming that Claudine has corrupted Futaba by imbuing her with an actual desire to perform and become a Stage Girl. The initial reason Futaba auditioned for Seisho, or the reason why Kaoruko believes she did, was to be with Kaoruko. However, later in the show, she falls under Claudine’s teaching and hones her skills, managing to snag a role that Kaoruko presumes to be hers. Though Kaoruko probably knows the truth deep down, she chooses to place the blame on Claudine’s mentorship rather than the fact that Futaba sought to advance her abilities herself. In some strange rendition of purity culture, Kaoruko refuses to accept that the apple is rotten to the core.

Let’s jump ahead to the scene in the nightclub, which looks too similar to a lesbian bar to be coincidental. (Kaoruko is literally in clubbing clothes, and Futaba’s in a suit that evokes “male impersonators” or just your average baby butch. I refuse to believe the imagery wasn’t intentional. But I digress.)

A bar, simply put, is a place where alcohol is served. Kaoruko’s already made herself comfortable, nursing a glass, while Futaba looks anxious, like a fledgling chick learning to walk. The bar is the stage, the alcohol served there is representative of the feeling of being a Stage Girl. Kaoruko is more aware, having been in the spotlight since she was a child, while Futaba isn’t as experienced.

Futaba admits to not possessing the skill the other Stage Girls have, but this only angers Kaoruko. “From idealism to generalities,” she says. “You’re making a mess of reason everywhere.” Even after Nana’s warning, Futaba still idealizes what it’s like to be a Stage Girl and is irrational in Kaoruko’s eyes. Meanwhile, Kaoruko doesn’t stop trying to achieve her goals, but she’s self-aware of what it means to achieve them. I don’t think she knew what might happen to her before Nana Daiba basically tells all the Stage Girls they won’t make it with their current naivety and skill level, but she’s the least worried about it besides Maya, her foil.

Dousing herself in a tub of what appears to be sake under golden lights, creating one of the most visually stunning shots in the whole movie, she shows Futaba reality. Being a Stage Girl means indulging in intoxication that will only serve to ruin you in the end, but Kaoruko chooses to consume more and more because she can’t resist it. She’s practically drowning in it. After all, stars need their fuel.

(P.S: There is some significance to be drawn between sake facilitating the binding of the gap between the mortal and divine realms, and giraffes being messengers of the gods in some folklore. I’ve always felt the giraffe was meant to deliver some higher purpose to the girls, with stars being in the heavens. Maybe being drunk is the closest thing they’d ever get to getting there, a false illusion i.e “seeing stars”, but these are also late night incoherent ramblings by me so who knows if they carry any value.)

ACT II. — Kaoruko Alone

Kaoruko is far more interesting than anyone gives her credit for. To me, she’s one of the most realistic depictions of theater kids. As one myself, I can’t count on one hand how many people I know that are just like her. Think of a student who was gifted academically from their childhood and never had to study for a test, but as soon as they hit high school, they struggled with the more challenging material. Since they never learned to study, they just give up on learning all together and burn out. Kaoruko is similar with her art. She’s been in the spotlight ever since she was young, and she always thought it would stay that way without her having to put in extra effort.

Kaoruko has been basking in attention for beauty and dance prowess since she was young. Over time, she’s grown to crave it. If she’s neglected too much, I can imagine her experiencing withdrawals. Like alcohol withdrawals. (No, I’m not going to let the alcohol motif go.) However, as much of an attention whore she is, she doesn’t really want to do much to get attention. Low-effort, high-yield. RIP Kaoruko, you would’ve loved being a TikTok influencer.

Here, Kaoruko compares herself to a flower that needs to sunbathe and drenched in water (see parallel: the scene where Kaoruko drenches herself in sake) to flourish. This is the kind of gluttony they talk about in the Bible! I don’t really blame baby Kaoruko, honestly. It must be physically taxing and mentally exhausting to be enveloped in the world of performing arts since you were young (see: her foil Maya), but the issue isn’t that she didn’t want to as a kid, but that she carried over her sin of sloth into her adult years.

Shifting gears, look the snacks piled high beside Kaoruko, while Futaba is empty-handed. Kaoruko has been relishing the abundance of attention she has been receiving (the snacks being from Futaba reinforces the idea that Futaba is enabling her attention-seeking tendencies by feeding her what she craves), but poor Futaba gets the short end of the stick. There’s no one to pay attention to her.

Additionally, think of the progression of the sugary snacks and Kaoruko’s water bottle to the drink Kaoruko has in the Revue of Resentment, to represent her entering adulthood. As she matures, she needs something headier than the snacks of childhood.

I won’t get too into this unless specifically asked to write about Maya-Kaoruko and Futaba-Claudine parallels, but I see Maya as Kaoruko’s foil. Both grew up in performing families that encouraged their pursuit, both of them have partners (girlfriends) that facilitate their theatrical journeys, both teeter on the edge of narcissism. But the beauty of Maya’s character is no matter how much she surpasses her peers, she never rests.

Kaoruko wants the instantaneous destination without the journey. Claudine encourages Maya to go further and higher, but Futaba only enables Kaoruko’s laxity. Even more interestingly, Maya’s arrogance seems internalized with her silent and quietly smug personality, while Kaoruko’s is externalized by her need for outside attention and outward extravagance.

This line above can be interpreted either way, with Maya being a vessel of God or God itself, but I choose to believe she is the God. She has a pretty clear God complex, after all. Furthermore, “this vessel” makes it seem like she’s talking about something besides herself, and “reflects.. infinite multitudes of myself!” implies that she is speaking about a vessel of herself. Not to mention, the metal bird melts beside a burning cross, mimicking a crucifix, portraying the vessel a Christ-like figure. The mortal manifestation of the God Maya believes herself to be. Anyway, all this to say that Maya respectfully has her head so far shoved up her ass to believe she is God, and she doesn’t need anyone to tell her is. Meanwhile, Kaoruko desperately needs attention and validation to believe she’s worth anything at all. FutaKao and MayaKuro being foils to each other happens to be my Roman Empire, but I won’t write anymore than what’s relevant to this post unless asked. Just know if a Maya analysis or Revue of Souls analysis is requested, well — you haven’t seen the half of it. And if a full analysis on FutaKao and MayaKuro being foils is requested, then you asked for it.

Okay, I lied. We’ll talk about Maya and Kaoruko again for a bit. In episode 6 of the show, Kaoruko seems appalled that she hasn’t received a lead role, but as we’ve already established, it’s not really for the joy of performing. If she’s not in the center of attention, then it’s a waste of her time. Contrasting Maya, who has played supporting roles before but made them her own through her love for her craft, and strives to be the best actress in the world to have satisfaction within herself. Kaoruko also wants to be the best in the world—

— but she prefers to fall back on traditional dance instead of theater, to gain her own satisfaction through others rather than self-fulfillment. Why? Because it’s what she’s always been good at. In the show, she gets rejected from a role and told she should “stick to her dance,” so I guess she took it to heart. She doesn’t have an issue with switching her artform, because the artform doesn’t particularly matter to her in the first place. Just the status of being the world’s greatest. Though she’s grown as a person since the show revue and taking the responsibility of inheriting the dance school, Kaoruko before the Revue of Resentment is still a self-centered person.

I think I’ve given Kaoruko enough attention (lord knows it’s what she wants), but if you’re interested in any further thoughts, here’s my quick analysis of Kaoruko in the Revue of Annihilation!

ACT III. - Futaba, Alone

I’ll admit that this was a harder section to write than Kaoruko’s. I realize I’m part of the problem, but I never gave Futaba much thought compared to my Kaoruko ramblings. Writing this actually gave me a deeper understanding of her character.

I struggle to write Futaba and Kaoruko separately. Like Maya and Claudine, their lives are so irrevocably intertwined with each other, it’s hard to separate them. But unlike Kaoruko and her own foil Claudine, Futaba didn’t start out an artist.

In episode 6, the earliest memory of Futaba’s we see is her chasing after Kaoruko after she sneaks away to satiate her attention craving. While FutaKao babies are certainly très mignon, it’s depressing when you realize Futaba has based her identity around Kaoruko at such a young age. It fosters a toxic dependence on each other and an unhealthy attachment and possessiveness.

I’ve already discussed the pile that Kaoruko has and the lack of snacks Futaba suffers from representing how much attention has been lavished upon them. But let’s talk about what Futaba lamenting her empty purse while Kaoruko has more than enough to share with her. It’s representative of Kaoruko takes and takes and wrings Futaba dry without giving her anything in return (starving Futaba vs. greedy Kaoruko 🥀). And not to mention the practice Kaoruko complains about being something Futaba has never had the privilege of being able to attend.

So why does Futaba stay with Kaoruko? There is no doubt in my mind that Futaba and Kaoruko love each other, but love can be unhealthy. When you’re in an unhealthy relationship, there’s a tether attached to the “but I love them” that keeps you together — “I can fix them, they will change, I’m too scared to leave..” etc. But what is it for FutaKao? There isn’t much concrete evidence (It’s Revstar, nothing is concrete) but I’m going go out on a limb based off of Futaba’s personality and her foil.

Claudine is talented in her own right, but Maya blows her out of the water. Claudine even admits it. There’s no reason for Maya to have a rivalry with someone below her league. While that’s a separate post, I believe Futaba thinks Kaoruko is out of her league. While Kaoruko is surrounded by adoring fans, Futaba can only be a face that blurs into the crowd.

Futaba doesn’t think she’s worthy of Kaoruko’s affection or attention, so she doesn’t ask for it. But when Kaoruko exclaims that she’s going to marry into a family that gives her attention, it instills a fear in baby gay Futaba that Kaoruko is going to leave her. So she gives Kaoruko what she wants, what she thinks will make Kaoruko stay with her— the attention she craves, so she doesn’t have to get it from anywhere. This was the toxic codependency and possessiveness I discussed earlier manifesting.

Moving on from Kaoruko thinking her presence alone is enough to repay Futaba’s devotion.. When you put someone on a pedestal, you give them everything you have and don’t think you deserve anything more. With her low self-esteem, Futaba believes that she should be grateful that Kaoruko stays with her at all, and doesn’t ask for anything more. She should be grateful that Kaoruko chose her to be the one to see her shine. She follows Kaoruko where she goes like a loyal dog. She auditions for Seisho to be with Kaoruko, but since she never thought she’d have a future in performing and honed her own skills, she’s last considered.

Surprisingly, Seisho is where the tables turn for Futaba. Under Claudine’s mentorship, she works hard for the talent that Kaoruko takes for granted. Even Kaoruko has to admit that Futaba has improved.

This scene occurs after Futaba claims a possible role in the production, while Kaoruko misses out. Kaoruko lays on Futaba’s lap, while Futaba never rests on hers, physical indication of how Futaba always supports Kaoruko. Notably, it’s Kaoruko’s head in Futaba’s lap, their relationship at this point consists primarily of Futaba feeding into Kaoruko’s mental demands and letting them go to her head. Kaoruko doesn’t ask but commands Futaba to give the role to her, to which Futaba continues drinking what appears to be a strawberry milk or juice carton. If we consider the same metaphor of the snacks —> alcohol representing attention and the experience of being a Stage Girl, Futaba doesn’t quite have a pile of snacks or a tub of sake. However, after her stellar performance, she’s having a tiny taste of what it’s like. And I think, deep down, she enjoys Kaoruko paying attention to her instead of the other way around.

Now that Futaba knows how it feels, she realizes that the wonder of a Stage Girl is being able to push forward to burn brighter. She doesn’t want to leave Kaoruko, but having gained some of her own autonomy, she decides that she wants to stand beside Kaoruko as an equal rather than watch her in the distance, a face in the crowd. Instead of succumbing to belief that she wasn’t worthy of Kaoruko, she would devote herself to becoming the best version of herself she can be to become worthy of Kaoruko. I think that’s beautiful.

I think I may have delved deeper into episode 6 than I need to, but Futaba’s history is critical to understanding to her motivations in the movie.

Back on track, Futaba has more uncertainty about what her future holds than Kaoruko. She wants to audition for New National, but is aware that it might be too competitive for someone of her skill level. Even under Claudine’s mentorship, Futaba still has to catch up to years worth of practice and experience her peers and competition will have. Still, like the bright-eyed and spunky high school graduate she is, she’s willing to give it a shot.

Though she might not be the most skilled, this is a good sign that Futaba is willing to branch away from Kaoruko and find a way to flourish independently. After all, both Kaoruko and Futaba realize that Futaba joining the New National theater troupe means they can’t stay together anymore. Afraid of Kaoruko preventing her from making the decision, she doesn’t it behind her back. As you can imagine, Kaoruko isn’t too happy about this.

ACT IV. - Futaba and Kaoruko, together (or the actual revue)

I’ve heard people describe the FutaKao revue as a divorce. I prefer to think of it as separation with promised reconciliation that they would return better partners for each other.

I’ve already talked about Kaoruko deflecting the blame onto Claudine and objectifying Futaba in the gambling house scene leading up to the first portion of the revue. But I haven’t introduced Futaba, in a totally badass fashion, crashing into the gambling house (or Kaoruko’s warped perception of reality) and apologizing for showing up Kaoruko and Claudine with all the lights. In a way, the modern, flashy semitruck destroying the walls of the traditionally styled gambling house is interestingly illustrative of Futaba making progress and destroying the traditional way of doing things in her relationship with Kaoruko. The American-style clothes Futaba wears versus Kaoruko’s yukata only makes me think more of the dilemma between globalization and technology and tradition. It’s an interesting comparison to draw.

Is it bright? Is it blinding? Futaba is shining more than ever as she declares Kaoruko a selfish inconvenience and clamors for an end to their relationship — the metaphor of saccharine sweet candy illustrating how their relationship rotted to nothing more than a one-way transaction of attention. Not only has Futaba grown more proficient in her abilities, she’s done it without Kaoruko. She claims that “this is a straight path of parting,” that there will be no issue ending the years-long relationship.

Kaoruko monologues herself, describing the fading of their relationship over time to foliage through the seasons. After proclaiming she will cut the “narcissus of winter and let it fall”, she echoes Futaba’s words that this will be “a straight path of parting.” Both of them seem confident that their feelings won’t get involved. But consider this — when characters are wearing costumes outside of their revue outfits (here in Kaoruko’s dealer ensemble and Futaba’s American-style number), they are playing characters. This is pretty evident in the MayaKuro revue — they aren’t being authentic to themselves. So is this what they really feel?

The location the first battle is in appears to be the same setting that the childhood home that served as the location for their first battle was in, or at least a with a similar style.

As Kaoruko furiously expresses her betrayal over Futaba moving on to bigger and better things without her, saying the promises Futaba made to her were empty lies, Futaba attempts to console her. She claims that the only reason she’s leaving her side is to come back to her as someone more worthy of her. Whether that is or isn’t true doesn’t particularly matter, though, because Kaoruko doesn’t believe her.

As they advance up the stairs, up from their childhood home, from their childish promises, Futaba’s excuse grows flimsy. Them going up the stairs represents them growing up. The lyrics of the song the two sing, indicative of their true thoughts, imply that they knew the parting was a long time coming. Even though Futaba claims that she will eventually return to Kaoruko’s side, the same reasons she used a year ago in the show wouldn’t cut it. As they reach the top of the stairs, the setting switches to the bar.

The significance outside of the stage metaphor is the progression of the childhood setting they were once in to the nightclub of adulthood, representing them almost graduating from Seisho. Futaba and Kaoruko are growing up and apart, and the promises and hollow words that held them together before won’t cut it.

Honestly, the whole confrontation scene between Kaoruko and Futaba in the bar is uncannily similar to accusations of infidelity. The only thing missing is a giant WELCOME HOME, CHEATER banner next to the booth. Especially when Kaoruko complains, “What do I care about other women?” when Futaba describes her inferiority complex compared to the other Stage Girls. But unlike someone who cheated on their partner, Futaba’s only crime is trying have a life outside of Kaoruko. In that way, Kaoruko must feel like Futaba has been leading “another life” without her, like an adulterous partner with their “other family.” But the way I see it is Kaoruko making herself the victim in a situation where she is at fault, putting on a show (again, wearing non-Revue outfits means they’re playing characters) where Futaba has wronged her. I really do believe Kaoruko knows in her heart that she can be selfish and has made some bad choices, but she has a perpetual inability to accept that, so she deflects the guilt onto others.

I don’t think Futaba really wants to leave Kaoruko. I think they’ve just outgrown their current selves. Futaba is no longer the subservient dog she was for Kaoruko earlier, but Kaoruko is still largely arrogant and petty. At this point, unlike Claudine and Maya (who end up going to different countries as well), they cannot grow any further together.

Kaoruko accuses Futaba of being a liar yet again, this time preaching to her about idealisms while bathing in her sake tub. I still think this is such a beautiful clip.

In the sub translation, Kaoruko says: “Expose your true intentions. You got annoyed with me, didn’tcha?” In the dub, she says: “You got sick of me, didn’t you?” That stabbed me in the stomach like Anthy and Utena.

I love that that line shows a bit of Kaoruko’s vulnerability. Like I said earlier, she’s not as confident in herself as Maya. She needs someone to make her feel wanted and maintain her arrogant front. And now, she feels like Futaba doesn’t want her anymore.

They warn each other to “Keep away!” but they continue to drive towards each other, and they can’t really help it. Kaoruko even admits it by saying: “we’re useless, huh?” They claimed that this was a straight path of parting, and the lyrics say they’re indifferently passing each other on the highway, as if their relationship would only be a blip on the road for them. But the only path they’re taking is to each other. That’s been the order of things for years, after all.

As they crash into each other and plummet over the edge, Futaba holds Kaoruko’s hand to prevent her from falling. Protecting her as always, but here Kaoruko looks extremely vulnerable. Softly, she asks: “Did we cut ties?” She really is terrified of Futaba leaving her, of losing her rock and her love. Even if she’s loathe to show it. In the end, it wasn’t a straight path of parting, ending up clinging to each other in the end.

Mirroring Claudine calling Maya a greedy human, Futaba says that Kaoruko’s been greedy, unfairly hogging her all to herself. The little conviction they have snaps, and they fall down together. Their relationship needs to have a few downs, they need to fall, if they want to be “reborn” in the end. Unlike in the Mayakuro revue, they’re actually falling than flying like it seems in the Revue of Souls.

As they lay in a bed of sakura petals (which I think represents their childhood feelings. They’re still there, but Futaba and Kaoruko lie on top of them, meaning they’re bigger than them now), Futaba says that it’s her turn to be selfish. She doesn’t ask for permission. Kaoruko says she doesn’t know about all that, but she doesn’t reject the notion. She’s accepted that Futaba is ready to move on to the next stage.

Futaba gives Kaoruko her key and tells her to take care of her motorcycle, which I think means “don’t forget me when I’m gone.” The motorcycle is a more mature version of the bicycle Futaba used to drive Kaoruko around. Even as they grow up, and things change, their feelings and Futaba’s devotion to Kaoruko will remain stagnant. Kaoruko replies, “I’m not waiting, even if you leave this with me.” Even as she says that, the song lyrics, unveiling her true feelings, croon: “Until you return, I’ll always be waiting.” I think I cried when I first saw this.

I have to echo a thought I’ve read in other analysis before, since it’s just poignant. Futaba’s keychain is Position Zero. Position Zero is the place all Stage Girls return to, the final goal. Futaba reassures Kaoruko that she will always come back to her, that no matter where she goes, her place is by Kaoruko’s side.

The Revue ends with an adorable cut of baby FutaKao holding hands. Kaoruko repeats how useless they are, but in a different context. She has her naughty front, but she’s admitting that Futaba makes her weak (SEE: MAYAKURO).They can’t fully overcome their childhood feelings for each other, but they don’t need to. They just need to learn to handle them in a healthier way. They’re useless in the way that they can’t put aside their feelings for each other (see: Maya), they just can’t help falling in love. (Is someone cutting onions?)

(P.S: I couldn’t find anywhere to fit this, but in the color-coded subtitles, Futaba and Kaoruko have each other’s colors (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥) They’re so sickeningly sweet!!)

ENDING NOTES: Aaaand those are my two cents on the FutaKao revue! Thank you so much for reading! I’m sorry that the revue analysis itself is short, I have more thoughts on the ship and characters than the revue. But, I really enjoyed writing this one. FutaKao is an interesting twist on the typical childhood friends dynamic with characters dependent on each other that are still compelling characters alone. As you can tell, I’m a huge Kaoruko truther. I adore her growth, albeit slow, because it just feels so realistic to me. If you enjoyed this analysis, please considering leaving a like, reblogging, or even following me for more! If you have a request for another Revstar analysis, message me or drop a comment ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ I’d also considering analyzing other media (especially Revolutionary Girl Utena) if asked! + always accepting constructive criticism, and if you have any other thoughts or you feel like I missed something, feel free to let me know! Thank you again!

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, a thing I've kind of started to realize within both our proper involvement within trauma / mental health care spaces and within our own healing, a large issue (not bad or derogatory, but rather a "flaw" and an obstacle that gets in the way from the most effective condition) is that a lot of DID / OSDD / CDD spaces are heavily built with a large atmosphere and focus on trauma, trauma labels, terms, the nuances of what is and isn't possible, and just largely a lot of the talk and engagement is about sharing one another's trauma stories and explaining How The Trauma Happens and the details of how Trauma Has Affected / Impact / Forever Changed You and that is COMPLETELY expected and understandable

Trauma is an incredibly harmful, incredibly hurtful, incredibly impactful thing to go through and it can very very easily make you feel EXTREMELY stuck in the place you are. It's not something that can easily swallow your existence - especially if you have DID and even more so if you are specifically a part that got the misfortune of having the role of holding trauma or being explicitly stuck in flashbacks. There is nothing *wrong* with the community being like that, it's completely expected and there is nothing *bad* about it. I think it is incredibly more helpful and better than everyone being isolated, uninformed, unsupported, and having *nothing* to help them through what is often an unsafe environment or the challenges of early recovery.

That said, both of those values / beliefs / mindsets are incredibly trauma-driven focuses that - in the process of helping meet needs, a sense of community, and safety (things individuals with a trauma history have a lot of a need for), reinforce the building of one's sense of self and identity AROUND and on top of the trauma and thus also kind of reinforces the idea that someone is defined, forever stuck, and distanced from other people based on their trauma.

And I think that is a key thing thats a difference between peer survivor groups processing things together and proper professionally guided group therapy of survivors. I'm not saying that professionals and group therapy is "good", because I have had a number of really negative experiences with it myself and as a person with a trauma background myself (even if I talk like this, I'm not immune) I both distrust "officials" and instictually would very much prefer if people who have not experienced extensive trauma stayed out of my trauma spaces.

What I am kind of trying to say is that in the former, there is an issue of the blind leading the blind as everyone involved is more or less stuck in that trauma space / mindplace that makes it hard to see the avenues of healing that go BEYOND trauma and are not something that individuals who are still deep in the trauma sauce are not going to really be the most open to. In the latter, in theory, there is a heavy trauma-responsive and trauma-informed professional who is both able to understand, empathize, be attuned to, and respond positively to traumatized individuals and the frequent challenges; and that not "In the Trauma" view provides a lot of essential and helpful opportunities to challenge (positively) some of the largest generalized trauma views / values and help in developing and builiding a sense of self and a life that is not as heavily built upon the basis of "Trauma being Defining" to who you are.

And as someone who was there before, its totally fine if you have a problem with me saying that "Trauma does not have to define your entire existence and doesn't make up everything of who you are" because 1) I don't know your story and 2) You don't have to trust me, you have no reason to trust me on that; but as someone who went through a shit ton of trauma and recovery myself, I hope that its something you would at least humor that I strongly believe that and have seen it multiple times - both in human and nonhuman experiences.

I just really say that because in my experience, the most important belief and self concept to challenge that REALLY changed how I felt about myself, my disorder, and my symptoms was the development of the belief that "I went through a lot of trauma and it greatly impacted me, but trauma isn't all of who I am and with every day I live outside of it, trauma becomes a smaller and smaller portion of who I am"

I think its important to hold discussions on how healing doing things and engaging in conversation AWAY from trauma can actually greatly help develop a sense of self apart from trauma and paradoxically greatly help in recovering from it. It sounds very anti-intuitive and against what might feel right / productive in the moment, but it's honestly really just such a powerful thing in my experience.

[alisgravenil1and2]

If regular PT isn't working for you, my first thought is to suggest pelvic floor PT. Chronic pain can make our pelvic floors tight, which can create muscle imbalances in the rest of our body. For the hip especially, a lot of the muscles that make up you hip and glutes are directly connected to the pelvic floor.

It can be hard to find a good pelvic floor therapist that understands that connection though. Most PFPTs I've seen specialize in pregnancy, vaginal/rectal pain, incontinence, prolapse, etc. The trick is to find someone who writes in their bio that they approach the pelvic floor from a "whole body" perspective. In my area, that usually means PFPTs that are trained in the Integrated Systems Model (ISM) or the ConnectTherapy model. I've also found that PFPTs that are trained in the whole body approach AND have certification in Visceral Manipulation to be the most knowledgeable about how everything in your body is connected.

Another suggestion I have is Prolotherapy. It's basically a dextrose injection, usually to ligaments and tendons, that stimulates to body's healing response to help strengthen those ligaments and tendons. It's most commonly offered by naturopathic doctors, but I have been able to find a few MDs and DOs that offer them as well. The injections do hurt like a bitch to get though, so be prepared if you decide to go that route. Also, because Prolotherapy works by stimulating a brief inflammatory response, patients are recommended to avoid NSAIDs 2 weeks before and I believe at least 2 weeks after their latest injection, so that's something to consider as well.

Also editing to add, have you tried a proton pump inhibitor such as Pantoprazole for GI upset related to NSAIDs? There's also the option of applying something like Voltaren (topical Diclofenac) if ingesting NSAIDs is intolerable, depending on how sensitive your skin is.

Anyone with HSD or hEDS have any advice for managing hip pain? They keep sending me to PT - which for a lot of other problem areas has genuinely been helpful - and it is just not working. Walking has been a struggle. Sitting has been a struggle. I have two torn rotator cuffs (probably from dislocating/subluxating shoulders in my sleep too often) and one very bad hip (still need to get an MRI and confirm soft-tissue injury but I know there’s scarring on the bone from an X-ray some years ago presumably from the dysplasia and dislocations) which means sleeping is really a struggle. I did finally find an NSAID that helps a bit with fewer GI side effects, but I’m still constantly distracted and often immobilized by pain. I’ve lost a ton of range of motion on the bad side just in the last six months (to the point where the hip is now, I think, probably a lot less flexible than a normally-mobile person’s hip). I can’t sit at a desk to work because sitting in a normal chair (not reclined) is murder. I can’t sleep on either side anymore and I sleep really poorly on my back. I’m so used to dealing with pain but somehow today I just hit a limit that made me feel really weepy, so I will really take any advice at this point. I just want to be able to go out and take pictures without everything hurting so much.

[perilegs]

shoutout to people working their dream jobs doing something mundane

[seventh-district]

7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos

[the-flowerpatch]

many thoughts, many thoughts…

[moonilit]

I like to think Bruce have a journal, not as batman just as Bruce Wayne and you can see where he wrote all the headaches he gets from his kids

[kazumasougi]

im gonna be real for a second. if fantasy can only be enjoyable to you when removed from any and all real world implications then is it even good

[nexus-nebulae]

thinking about when i had such intense phantom limbs as a kid i told my math teacher about it

[skrunksthatwunk]

i would really appreciate it if i didn't have a brain that thought torturing me was a helpful response to being scared of us. im your copilot stop fucking tazing me you dick