#feathers speaks

[system-of-a-feather]

Man no person can really understate how hard it is to talk about inner world experiences and "psuedo memories" that are deeply impactful to you without feeling literally insane, even if you know exactly what trauma reflavoring it is based on and where it comes from even if its not in the same form.

[sunshine-and-feathers]

I felt hot today so here's some fit pics for you freaks <3

maybe I'll do some more revealing stuff tomorrow, I don't work, so we'll see how bored I get-

Pronouns are He/Him, minors, cishet DNI

[featheredomen]

LMFAO I TOOK MY MUM'S FUCKIN' JOB

[unheardpartofme]

The feather he shed is it white, is it black?

The raven in the sky knows something I don't. He senses the presence of the dark that I don't. Hope it's lurking in the woods, waiting for my mortal soul. He flies on my shadow like he's afraid it'll vanish. The dim of light in the eyes calls for the dark. The raven in the sky flies low and rattles, keeping the mortal afloat and the evil at bay. The darkness sneers within, making the raven rattles more. The omen he brings, is it death or is it life? Predator and the prey play within, - who'll claim the mortal? One is light, one is dark who suppresses whom? Evil lunges at the prey, the ravens rattling repels him. The mortal walks deeper, guided by the raven's watchful eyes. The deeper the mortal goes the more the evil smirks. Evil waits for the mortal to let go, but the raven holds the side strong. Evil staggers on its steps, when he sees the pinhole of the light. The mortal walks deeper, raven watches his back and let the mortal walk alone. The light scatters made the predator be prey. The raven watches evil diminishes in the mortal's eyes. The raven flies high which I see, you don't. My guardian flaps his wings, shedding a white feather, Illa.

[featherlouise]

Thinking about all the jayvik Jayce pov fics where Viktor’s changed so much that Jayce can barely recognise him, and then he takes his mask off and his eyes, at least, are still the same as he remembers

I am inconsolable

[lightlysources]

i forgot that i changed my theme without doing anything to it while i was lurking, and that my navigation page isn't linked anywhere anymore, lol. oops.

[bloodysparklez]

"b-but if akechi is every member of the friend group, what about the rest of the thieves-" homosexual supporting cast. next question

[system-of-a-feather]

I was gonna put this in the tags but like

Honestly I was talking about this with my fiance and honestly I have never actually been so optimistic about anything related to american politics like... ever excluding the period when I was a right wing MURICAN

And honestly, while it absolutely wasnt JUST Hasan like Hasan served a similar role in the later end of me flipping from Hard right wing MURICAN who didnt feel they fit in with the left wing culture.

You really do have to be able to give the more moderate people who were raised a specific way and have their hobbies and interests tied to right wing perspectives and values a safe place to see that they can still Be Themselves and Have Their Hobbies without necessarily having to be a rightwing nutbag

And honestly even if the hobbies are inherently on the sketchier end for one reason or the next, some of those hobbies and interests are things they can look at once they don't feel they are forced to reshape their personality to be on the left side.

Cause honestly ive seen leftist start to consider turning to a right wing again because of how aggressive the left can be in making sure everyone conforms to the perfect image of a perfectly moral perfectly inclusive perfectly aware individual and how deeply they punish those that might just be struggling to keep up or feel accepted

Theres a large "if you don't get all of the leftist views 100% and agree with it 100% and don't perform leftism correctly, then you are a bigot basically like the rest of the right wing" and a "you have to have the same opinions as everyone else otherwise you should leave" that can be found in leftist circles that really can push a lot of people away.

When I was a teen and a right wing, I know one of the many factors that put me there other than how I was raised and what not, was that it didn't seem like the left wing CARED about my opinion and didn't seem like there was any real conversation to be had about things I either didn't agree with or understand at the time. The left seemed as though they demanded everyone to conform to the collectively agreed perfect image without question while the right was open to debating things with "facts and logic". The left was "emotionally driven and non-communicative" and "highly judgemental" and made "everything political and incorrect" and that there was "no pleasing them." And while I understand how that is really ironic in the moment, no one really provided me an avenue to explore the topics without immediately branding me as Evil and Wrong. The only people that would consider actually having a discussion with me were other right wingers

Its why its important, in the pursuit of reform and improvement, to actually leave space for people who disagree to actually have a place to feel heard and respected while they look at topics they probably never got much of an opportunity to explore OUTSIDE of right wing spaces.

Yes, white tears, yes fuck homophobes, yes fuck zionists, yes fuck terfs and transphobes, yada yada, its fair and understandable, but drawing an us vs them with people that are NOT insane Trumpies but still on the right wing / republican side as a default does NOT help the cause as much as it just radicalizes others.

And honestly iirc I heard from my fiance that Walz is actually also being combative and calling dumb right wing shit out or something of the sorts like Harris has at Trump and I'm really glad to actually see that the Democrats are ACTUALLY realizing that modern politics - at least with Trump - has no space for dancing around the bush and trying to be the "more mature and sophisticated diplomats" cause GOD have they been having this shit pushed in with letting right wing nutbags just say Whatever The Fuck They Want

Like, assuming we don't somehow MAJORLY throw the election, I'm actually looking forward to what the first black-asian woman president and Everyones Favorite White Uncle will do which... for those that might know our extreme distaste for America is a REALLY new experience for us honestly.

So, I really love the selection of Tim Walz for VP and it’s taken me a moment to articulate why. I mean, obviously, Dem bonafides, he’s sharp, he’s funny, etc etc. But everyone in the Veepstakes fits that bill, Harris was spoiled for good choices.

But Walz offers something that the other men in contention don’t that I think will be incredibly useful in combating Trumpism.

He offers an example and an off ramp to the section of men who felt like they were Republicans by default, and so support Trump by default. There are a lot of Trump voters who are full on obsessive, but that’s not who we’re talking to. We’re talking to folks who grew up in Republican areas, or felt their hobbies didn’t line up with who a Democrat was, or didn’t feel represented by their image of a Democrat. You want to see it so you can be it, you know? Which is why Harris is so inspirational to a lot of segments of folks, but Walz is too.

He served in the military. He went to a state college. He’s your favorite teacher from your public high school. He’s your football coach who actually cared if you were passing your math class. He’s the guy you looked up to at school when your family sucked but this guy cared, and he helped you get out and make something of yourself.

He’s the neighbor who helps you jump your car. He’s your uncle who takes you hunting. He’s your Dad who loves teasing you at the Stare Fair. He’s you when he makes a mistake like his DUI and takes responsibility for it, and when he has the chance makes sure other can come back from similar mistakes. He’s you when you and your wife want so badly to be parents and IVF gives you the family you wanted. He’s you when he says ‘it had to be me’ and used his standing and power to protect vulnerable kids sponsoring the GSA at his school.

He gives the real life example to these men that they can be that football, fishing, hunting family man who wants to provide for his family, be that powerful, respected member of the community and use that power to feed kids in school. That it’s normal to enthusiastically work for a boss like Harris. That yeah those other guys are fucking weirdos, and you’re not a weirdo, are you?

That there’s a place in the Democratic Party for them. That they don’t have to default to being fucking weird.

I hope those guys see this example of masculinity and go… yeah, that’s me. That’s who I’m gonna be.

[system-of-a-feather]

I will make one tulpacourse post

But if you are someone saying "Tulpamancy is cultural appropriation, you should listen to POC and Buddhists" but also push the line "the only way to be plural is through trauma and DID" then I actually dislike you more than the tulpamancers and you are also 1) being racist or at least incredibly culturally insensitive to POC and Buddhists and 2) are using us as a token to push your narrative and it is very much not appreciated

If you want to have a genuine talk about Buddhism, Cultural Appropriation, Orientalism and what not, we love it. If you want to talk about listening and respecting POC and Buddhist voices, we love it

But if you only care about those topics when it serves your narrative, I unironically find you the more annoying person between two individuals who disrespect Buddhist and AAPI

Sincerely a AAPI Buddhist that engages in most branches of Mahayan Buddhism (Tibetian included)

[sunshine-and-feathers]

tummy tuesday update I gave myself a womb tat with jagua cause I was bored and it looks cute!!!!

design is based off of the temporary tattoos by moeflavor!!!!!

also hairy boy thighs <3

Pronouns are He/Him, minors, cishet DNI

[featheredomen]

fighting the urge every waking minute to just write the nastiest smut about the Ghoul

[system-of-a-feather]

Not me seeing this post and going "oh I absolutely have to add my piece on this" and then forgetting about the post cause I got distracted by life XD

But dude ABSOLUTELY agreed and same here and its actually something I've thought about at least every other day for a few minutes since we reached this fully fused / fully integrated state.

I don't really identify as traumagenic anymore, because honestly my current and present plurality is a means of interacting, expressing and engaging with myself AFTER fully fusing. My system before final fusion WAS traumagenic, but having fully fused, the way my system works is operating from a base line that is NOT driven or started by trauma.

Honestly, trauma is a very very small part of our day to day life most of these days. It still comes by but it hardly is a large thing in our life let alone something driving any of the dynamics and presentation and operation of our system. The way we exist in terms of plurality, I feel, is likely easier to understand for non-traumagenic systems than those that are traumagenic.

Obviously like, we have DID and we have a shit ton of trauma, but the way we express and exist as a system these days is NOT as someone with DID or as a system that is plural because of trauma. Our plurality at this point is an active decision, an active reclamation of our identity, experience, and self as a REWARD and prize that we have gleamed from our recovery / healing journey.

Our plurality is the result of post-traumatic growth and while a case could be made that it is still "traumagenic" I absolutely think that undermines the ACTUAL work, story, and reality of what we actually are with the conotation / implication that "trauma" is what made us.

Recovery and healing is what made us. We CHOOSE to operate as a system regardless of our mostly resolved trauma.

Saying that we are "traumagenic" takes away the agency and active decision (which we earned through recovery) that we made / make when we choose to present as plural.

So we don't really say we are traumagenic much (unless my profile that is like 500 years out of date still says that, I doubt it does cause I dont think we ever really liked the genic labels much), we just are a system honestly.

No Longer "Traumagenic"

Yesterday I was talking with some friends about systemhood, and about origin labels. At this point in recovery with DID, it simply no longer feels accurate to say I "am" traumagenic - It's more like I "was" traumagenic.

Traumagenic doesn't describe anything about my current experience, it's become more of a past event than anything. All of the parts which make up my system (and me, as a whole) are explicitly the result of self-love and my own forms of recovery rather than trauma; all of my parts are made up of many, many, many fusions of parts (ie., their origin is not trauma, it is fusion - which, for me, is an expression of love between parts). My system, as a whole, has been recreated through full fusion; this event can be seen, itself, as a new origin.

Calling myself traumagenic at this point feels not only inaccurate but unfair to myself. This new system, this new self, this experience of living as fully fused, is not traumagenic; in some ways, it feels like the opposite of it. Continuing to call myself traumagenic feels like a denial of myself and the changes that have happened (as well as the effort put in to get here), and brings to mind a familiar sense of time strangeness that I've felt before living as a traumatized person.

Because of the effort to arrive here and the ways in which my system survived for so long being a meaningful aspect of who I've become, I don't think it'd be fair to completely drop any and all labels relating to trauma, but framing it as past tense rather than present tense feels right. It's where I came from and who I was, but is not who I became and am now.

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather Previous / Next (part 42)

[indecision-s]

i need the people in my life to stop 😁 commenting 😁 on 😁 my 😁 body 😁 !!!!1!!

[system-of-a-feather]

DID and Recovery

Honestly, I think something that I don't think I've seen talked about that I've only now really reflected upon and put into words myself, is just how much living DID - or at least DID with heavily elaborated parts and just a general complex / polyfragmented structure - is just how much of your life is Actually Just Internal and its not really something I've noticed until I've begun to operate in a fused manner and more grounded manner

Because growing up, I didn't really exist in the real world. I - in my many different parts and forms - occasionally existed in the real world, engaging in it like it's a job, a video game, a challenge, a maintence task, or what not. Even as a fused whole, I never really lived in this world. Every part of myself only "visited" and "checked in" whether they explicitly were aware that's what they were doing. I was just bouncing between 400 Visas and names. Living in this world never meant anything to me much more than either a place of pain, a place of work, a fun game, a challenge, a hobby, a task, etc.

My childhood was internal. Almost all of my parts, our childhood was internal. Our memories of our childhood relates to how it was internalized internally. Our traumatic memories of childhood relates to how it was recorded internally and the narrative we attributed to it. Our internal experience was more important than our external experience. Our family was not our family as much as our situational family that we existed around - our real family were the parts we were aware of during that time. Riku's siblings weren't their siblings. They were "our" siblings to which "our" didn't really exist. Lucille was Riku's adoptive sibling.

So much of our past and our history is so hard to understand if you try to talk about it in a manner that is grounded only to what was happening externally, because the experiences we had externally mean much much much less to us and how we were shaped than the internal experience. The external facts inform what was happening internally, but if I were to talk about my oldest sister's psychological abuse, it would mean a lot less than if I talked about the internal ramifications and depiction and understanding of it.

And so even now, as we've healed massively, we've really got at least 10 fully elaborated different versions and understandings of our lives. We've lived entirely different narratives and at the same time they are all me, but none of them were really here, in the real world, existing or caring about anything other than either our specific hobbies / interests and our "duties"

The past 8 years was all about us learning to really live and engage in our internal world more intentionally and mindfully and productively, learning one another and learning our overall history; the past 3-4 years has been largely us learning to figure out how to exist in a world we have never genuinely existed in. And I think our fiance played a large rule in helping us with the "culture shock" and keeping faith that we could one day kind of find our place in "this world" that doesn't feel like a fraudulent lie or a forced face.

I think its only been this past year or so since we've been in functional multiplicity, final fusion, and/or living as a fully fused multiple have we ever actually **LIVED** in this world.

And I find that it's kind of hard to explain my own life story to those that don't understand and/or can't fathom what it means to very much not live in "this world" but you know, that's okay. People don't necessarily need to fully understand it, because these days that depth of understanding isn't even really necessary. I think its just important that space is held, respected, and understood as I learn to navigate my life in the real present real world because honestly, I want to live here. I want to be here. I want to be present and exist in the world I HAVE to exist and learn to love it. I've spent most of my life visiting this world and doing maintenance so I could sustain my internal space, but honestly, I really would love to live in both. Find joy in both. Make the maintenance not "maintenance" but just part of living.

That's all just to say that living and existing in the world when your entire understanding of self and history is based on your internal world and experiences that you had in relation to that internal world that no one can really see or even properly fathom, it's all just an interesting, unique, and challenge experience that I don't see talked about much.

[system-of-a-feather]

(if op saw weird notifications, I put this in replies first then decided I'd just reblog it)

Honestly I think a lot of this discourse probably also stems from the verbage people tend to use of "locking alters up". I think the words give a connotation and image that isn't really how it always is when there are parts that have restricted access in some way or form for a safety manner honestly. Not really saying that to support or disagree as much as just a general observation. I'm tired (its late) so I only kind of skimmed the main post, but I agree w/ what I read

I think there is also a realm in which other people are imposing terms onto other system's behaviors and internal dynamics; we have a lot of parts that don't front and we actively don't try to make them front and a lot of the time when they do front, we help "put them back to sleep" where they are tuned out from the front

This is largely cause its what they've basically requested when in okay-ish states and from an understanding established from parts that work with them the most as the best thing for them. Part of it is because they are prone to being dangerous and harmful, but also because they are prone to being in crisis and heavily dysregulated with extended periods of fronting / stimuli

For their own well being, they do not do well being out a lot and so we keep them back there a lot. They're welcome to interact and engage, but when they're dysregulated, we help set them back down back there to rest. We don't consider it "locking them up" but I can absolutely see how other people might impose that onto us and thus stigmatize a healthy and helpful internal way of supporting one another and vulnerable parts

Again, not really agreeing or disagreeing as much as sharing some thoughts and observations I had on the topic.

I saw a post that said locking alters away is never okay, and I wanted to talk about it but didn't want to derail, so I'm making my own post.

Tl;DR I don't 100% agree with it because there's nuance there.

read tags for TWs

Broadly speaking, I agree. Locking up alters can be damaging in a lot of ways: it hurts them, and their relationships to other alters, and can hurt other alters if they disagree with the decision.

Broadly speaking, locking up alters is counterproductive to healing/functionality.

Broadly speaking.

There are also situations in which locking up an alter is the safest option. Times where you don't really get a choice.

I'm honestly glad that most systems never have to think about this, because you only really think about it if you (or someone you know) has lived it.

Alters can do really fucked up things, dangerous things, both in the innerworld and out.

Alters can hurt others.

Alters can kill each other or send each other dormant.

Alters can kill the body.

And yes, in many cases they're doing this because they're trying to help, or they think they deserve it, or because they were trained to do so, or any number of other perfectly understandable and 'healable' reasons.

But some also do it because they think its fun, or because it makes them feel powerful, or just because they can.

Speaking as a gatekeeper/protector, it's my job to keep the system safe. If an alter is not safe to be around, then I need to protect against that.

I think it's important to establish that keeping an alter away from the rest of the system doesn't inherently mean that we're keeping them somewhere inhumane.

We put people in their own area, with space, light, good food, pleasant living conditions, and the ability to choose how they spend their time. We give them access to their hobbies and their favourite medias and comforts. If it's safe, we give them non-physical access to social spaces, guidance, and support. If we think it's safe, we give them in person visits with people we know they cannot harm should they try something.

Locking alters away is not always cruel and violent and brutal, even though you may consider it immoral or unethical.

And quite frankly, even if it is done in ways that are cruel or violent or brutal, if that is what is required for the body to remain functional and alive, then so be it.

You can't do 'better' if you're dead.

What I will say, is that locking up alters should not be a fix all. It should not be what you jump to or immediately reach for when conflict occurs.

It is the final option or it is an emergency stop-gap.

We have a very long list of things to try before we start considering locking someone up. We work with them to understand why they are doing what they're doing, and whether they're open to changing.

If they are not open to change, we respect that and do the absolute bare minimum necessary to keep everyone safe.

A lot of times, they will not be open to changing, and then after some time of us respecting their autonomy and boundaries, they approach us requesting help to change.

I am scared of the response this may garner, but I'm saying it anyway.

If an alter reacts violently to something out of fear, keeping them to one area with none of that thing can be a kindness.

This is a paraphrasing of something said to me by an alter I had 'locked away' for safety.

She reacted badly to change/uncertainty, and said the predictability helped her to learn how to work through her fear and manage it without violence. The system proper was too overwhelming for her to be able to change.

She's now happily living in a quieter part of the innerworld and no longer expresses those fear responses as violence.

This is one example i picked at random, but i have many more stories of locking alters away while they are learning to manage themselves, and then releasing them once they are no longer deemed dangerous.

If you want to judge someone for what they do when they have both time and options when making a decision, then fine.

But judging people on split-second decisions when (potentially) their life is involved, or when they've exhausted all other options, just seems to me to be picking on the vulnerable target.