#feathers speaks

[system-of-a-feather]

Man I really like this post cause honestly, same. I don't think we were "as large or complex" (" " cause I don't really see benefit in comparing and those terms are subjective, but stating this largely because I don't think we had as much of an issue with this as it sounds like you did) but honestly after we got past like 14 parts and a certain level of recovery / discovery of subsystems and sidesystems, it really really stopped being both worth it to really even bother counting. All we can really say is that at its most it was "at least 30" and that isn't me saying +/- 5 or even 10 or even like 20, but just that trying to differentiate the Mes from the Not Mes from the Kind of Mes from the Absolutely Not Me At All is so ridiculously convoluted and likely to bring up conflict that anything more than the "somewhere between 30 and a shit ton" is too much work.

Even now, our system is a system of Zero, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, or Ever Changing of "somewhere between 30 and a shit ton"; or as we'd like to say if anyone were to ask "a system of one or many depending on how you look at it" with how our plurality works now. I'm extremely happy with that answer.

On top of all that you already said, a thing that I thought about while reading this was how a lot of people - or at least I did - think fusion tends to happen after you know EVERYTHING about EVERY part and know EVERYTHING about yourself and can cohesively and perfectly blend EVERY part of EVERYTHING you know about yourself, but like... I didn't know how many parts I had when I was functionally multiple, when I was fully fused, and now, I still can't really tell you other than that we often identify as a system of one (and sometimes zero if we are being honest and coy - for a lack of better words - about it; I could go on a long tangent about that, which if anyones interested, I can, but on my own post XD)

Honestly, even after fusion I was / am still finding parts and learning about them and exploring them. That isn't to say they are split or not fused into me, because they absolutely are - but that I was simply not aware or connected with those parts as they preferred to remain quiet and unacknowledged most of the time we were individual and its only now, when I can fully leverage the rest of the system, do I find myself safe and comfortable and stable enough to actually hold space to express and be those parts.

Tangential point to your post that I was thinking of and wanted to add was just that like... in regards to splitting, fusion, headcounts and fusion and all that; learning about yourself is an ongoing process that doesn't begin or stop with being plural or fusing. The way and nature of how you learn about yourself may change depending on if you are plural, singular, or fused and what not, but learning about yourself is a universal experience and its absolutely normal and absolutely human to not know everything about yourself. Even the most stable most introspective and oldest person in the world has things to learn about themselves and I just kinda wanted to throw that out there to the world.

Anyways, per usual, great post ^^

How Many Was I, Anyway?

Some reflections on the system I used to be.

To this day, I don't know how many selves I was. I don't know how many parts, how many "not-me"s, existed in my system. I never will.

We never got an exact count.

And... that's for the best.

My system was very, very polyfragmented and complex. A lot of therapists, including dissociative specialists, dropped me because of it. A member of the ISSTD even retired after working with me for a few weeks. My system was always in conflict with itself and my parts were always fighting, a lot of us resented each other.

It was really overwhelming.

Trying to get any kind of sense of how many parts of me there were was an impossible task. And one that proved to be, well... counterproductive at best.

Fixating on the numbers made my system more and more distressed. It felt like we would never recover, there were too many parts, too many fragments and little pieces to pick up.

So we stopped counting.

We worked with every part as they came, worked really hard at improving our communication and self-calming skills, wrote down tons of notes about how to notice what we're feeling and what triggers symptoms and switches, read a lot of clinical books on dissociative disorders to better understand what we were dealing with and learn new skills, shared info with a lot of others with CDDs, and did a lot of mood tracking and journaling and setting reminders to help spot patterns and work around the amnesia better.

And, slowly... the dissociative barriers came down, and one by one, every part of us fused, until their fusions and all the effort and love that went into each one created me, the fused whole.

I may not know how many I was in the past, but I can comfortably say how many I am now; I am a system of two, myself and Fennel.

I've noticed in our community we tend to focus a lot on the numbers. A lot of plural servers on discord even ask anyone who joins to disclose alter/headmate counts. A lot of folks post their numbers publicly in their bios. Everybody, systems and singlets alike, all seem to want to know - How big is your system? How many of you are there?

It always made me feel very vulnerable to think about - everyone else always seemed so sure of their numbers, or at least had an estimate if not an exact count. I had a lot of internalized shame for a long time over how many parts I had and felt really overwhelmed every time I found more or split more. It also felt like something that should be more private, something I didn't really want to share with strangers.

And, well, that's perfectly alright. I may not be in that same headspace now (pun intended), but I think there should be more acceptance towards not sharing or knowing the exact number of members in a system.

However many you are, I hope you can have a good day today.

[system-of-a-feather]

Dude its really fucking funny how hard the mainstream media is trying to paint Luigi Mangione as this crazy, disturbed, mentally ill guy for *checks notes* shouting a based statement while being dragged by the neck into a courthouse by cops actively trying to silence him.

Like stfu corporate dick suckers. Yall are the disturbing fucks with how much yall are trying to ignore the genuine upset the American populus has against the current state of insurance corporations making huge profits off of mass death.

I really don't care who, what, when, where, why, that did dude shit so fucking based and I hope the jury finds him not guilty cause fuck man would I love to see a rich bitch's death go entirely excused lmao

[sunshine-and-feathers]

new womb tat! did this one with lash glue and eye shadow because I was out of henna and it made me want to off myself. never let me do that again.

on the upside it looks hot!

no idea how long it'll last though lol

[featheredomen]

LMFAO I TOOK MY MUM'S FUCKIN' JOB

[unheardpartofme]

The feather he shed is it white, is it black?

The raven in the sky knows something I don't. He senses the presence of the dark that I don't. Hope it's lurking in the woods, waiting for my mortal soul. He flies on my shadow like he's afraid it'll vanish. The dim of light in the eyes calls for the dark. The raven in the sky flies low and rattles, keeping the mortal afloat and the evil at bay. The darkness sneers within, making the raven rattles more. The omen he brings, is it death or is it life? Predator and the prey play within, - who'll claim the mortal? One is light, one is dark who suppresses whom? Evil lunges at the prey, the ravens rattling repels him. The mortal walks deeper, guided by the raven's watchful eyes. The deeper the mortal goes the more the evil smirks. Evil waits for the mortal to let go, but the raven holds the side strong. Evil staggers on its steps, when he sees the pinhole of the light. The mortal walks deeper, raven watches his back and let the mortal walk alone. The light scatters made the predator be prey. The raven watches evil diminishes in the mortal's eyes. The raven flies high which I see, you don't. My guardian flaps his wings, shedding a white feather, Illa.

[featherlouise]

Thinking about all the jayvik Jayce pov fics where Viktor’s changed so much that Jayce can barely recognise him, and then he takes his mask off and his eyes, at least, are still the same as he remembers

I am inconsolable

[bloodysparklez]

"b-but if akechi is every member of the friend group, what about the rest of the thieves-" homosexual supporting cast. next question

[system-of-a-feather]

On that note, I think we should normalize the idea of debriefing with yourself (especially if you are plural) when recovering from a mild episode, crisis, trauma flashback, panic attack, or self harm incident. Sit down with yourself (literally or figuratively) and just try to objectively look at what happened before, during, and after to go over what might have caused it, bring awareness to what it felt like in the moment, what did and did not work, and ways that if you notice it in the future that you could try something else.

Our system does it basically after every instance since we have parts that have healed enough, have the bandwidth, and even professional training to do crisis de-escalation and post crisis debriefs and it honestly goes MILES to help our most traumatized and vulnerable parts make a lot of progress.

[system-of-a-feather]

I was gonna put this in the tags but like

Honestly I was talking about this with my fiance and honestly I have never actually been so optimistic about anything related to american politics like... ever excluding the period when I was a right wing MURICAN

And honestly, while it absolutely wasnt JUST Hasan like Hasan served a similar role in the later end of me flipping from Hard right wing MURICAN who didnt feel they fit in with the left wing culture.

You really do have to be able to give the more moderate people who were raised a specific way and have their hobbies and interests tied to right wing perspectives and values a safe place to see that they can still Be Themselves and Have Their Hobbies without necessarily having to be a rightwing nutbag

And honestly even if the hobbies are inherently on the sketchier end for one reason or the next, some of those hobbies and interests are things they can look at once they don't feel they are forced to reshape their personality to be on the left side.

Cause honestly ive seen leftist start to consider turning to a right wing again because of how aggressive the left can be in making sure everyone conforms to the perfect image of a perfectly moral perfectly inclusive perfectly aware individual and how deeply they punish those that might just be struggling to keep up or feel accepted

Theres a large "if you don't get all of the leftist views 100% and agree with it 100% and don't perform leftism correctly, then you are a bigot basically like the rest of the right wing" and a "you have to have the same opinions as everyone else otherwise you should leave" that can be found in leftist circles that really can push a lot of people away.

When I was a teen and a right wing, I know one of the many factors that put me there other than how I was raised and what not, was that it didn't seem like the left wing CARED about my opinion and didn't seem like there was any real conversation to be had about things I either didn't agree with or understand at the time. The left seemed as though they demanded everyone to conform to the collectively agreed perfect image without question while the right was open to debating things with "facts and logic". The left was "emotionally driven and non-communicative" and "highly judgemental" and made "everything political and incorrect" and that there was "no pleasing them." And while I understand how that is really ironic in the moment, no one really provided me an avenue to explore the topics without immediately branding me as Evil and Wrong. The only people that would consider actually having a discussion with me were other right wingers

Its why its important, in the pursuit of reform and improvement, to actually leave space for people who disagree to actually have a place to feel heard and respected while they look at topics they probably never got much of an opportunity to explore OUTSIDE of right wing spaces.

Yes, white tears, yes fuck homophobes, yes fuck zionists, yes fuck terfs and transphobes, yada yada, its fair and understandable, but drawing an us vs them with people that are NOT insane Trumpies but still on the right wing / republican side as a default does NOT help the cause as much as it just radicalizes others.

And honestly iirc I heard from my fiance that Walz is actually also being combative and calling dumb right wing shit out or something of the sorts like Harris has at Trump and I'm really glad to actually see that the Democrats are ACTUALLY realizing that modern politics - at least with Trump - has no space for dancing around the bush and trying to be the "more mature and sophisticated diplomats" cause GOD have they been having this shit pushed in with letting right wing nutbags just say Whatever The Fuck They Want

Like, assuming we don't somehow MAJORLY throw the election, I'm actually looking forward to what the first black-asian woman president and Everyones Favorite White Uncle will do which... for those that might know our extreme distaste for America is a REALLY new experience for us honestly.

So, I really love the selection of Tim Walz for VP and it’s taken me a moment to articulate why. I mean, obviously, Dem bonafides, he’s sharp, he’s funny, etc etc. But everyone in the Veepstakes fits that bill, Harris was spoiled for good choices.

But Walz offers something that the other men in contention don’t that I think will be incredibly useful in combating Trumpism.

He offers an example and an off ramp to the section of men who felt like they were Republicans by default, and so support Trump by default. There are a lot of Trump voters who are full on obsessive, but that’s not who we’re talking to. We’re talking to folks who grew up in Republican areas, or felt their hobbies didn’t line up with who a Democrat was, or didn’t feel represented by their image of a Democrat. You want to see it so you can be it, you know? Which is why Harris is so inspirational to a lot of segments of folks, but Walz is too.

He served in the military. He went to a state college. He’s your favorite teacher from your public high school. He’s your football coach who actually cared if you were passing your math class. He’s the guy you looked up to at school when your family sucked but this guy cared, and he helped you get out and make something of yourself.

He’s the neighbor who helps you jump your car. He’s your uncle who takes you hunting. He’s your Dad who loves teasing you at the Stare Fair. He’s you when he makes a mistake like his DUI and takes responsibility for it, and when he has the chance makes sure other can come back from similar mistakes. He’s you when you and your wife want so badly to be parents and IVF gives you the family you wanted. He’s you when he says ‘it had to be me’ and used his standing and power to protect vulnerable kids sponsoring the GSA at his school.

He gives the real life example to these men that they can be that football, fishing, hunting family man who wants to provide for his family, be that powerful, respected member of the community and use that power to feed kids in school. That it’s normal to enthusiastically work for a boss like Harris. That yeah those other guys are fucking weirdos, and you’re not a weirdo, are you?

That there’s a place in the Democratic Party for them. That they don’t have to default to being fucking weird.

I hope those guys see this example of masculinity and go… yeah, that’s me. That’s who I’m gonna be.

[sunshine-and-feathers]

I felt hot today so here's some fit pics for you freaks <3

maybe I'll do some more revealing stuff tomorrow, I don't work, so we'll see how bored I get-

Pronouns are He/Him, minors, cishet DNI

[featheredomen]

...wondering how dramatic it would be to buy a mini fridge and stick it in my room because my brother refuses to understand that sometimes I purchase food and drinks that are specifically meant for me, and when I write my name on them that means that they are in fact, not for him

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather Previous / Next (part 42)

[system-of-a-feather]

This honestly really made me realize that I really havent lost time in a while and it actually kind of made me have to actively try to remember but for me, it was a lot more like... falling asleep in a movie?

Sometimes you'd kind of intentionally or overtly go "oh yeah, I'm tired I'm going to fall asleep" or "this movie sucks, good night" but a lot of the time you kind of accidentally find yourself dozing off if you've had a long day; then you wake up and the movie is mostly over, it might be fully over, and / or everyone else with you might have watched like 4 movies somehow while you were napping.

One part of the brain would just more or less go to sleep while life or "the movie" continued on and then you'd just kind of have to go "aight what did I miss"

I know WAY WAY WAY earlier in my journey it used to freak me out though as my ability to remember things that happened very recently would just be going away and I was able to notice that I COULDNT remember things, but I wasn't able to pinpoint why or when or anything of the sort, so I used to have a huge fear of loosing my memory just because all I really knew about what was going on was that large parts of my life were disappearing far faster than they should

CDD Writing Prompt: Loosing Time

I welcome everyone with a CDD to talk about their experiences, or write an excerpt on how they would like to see this aspect written in media :-)

If you don’t feel comfortable for any reason tying this to an account, feel free to send your writing through an ask on anon, just be sure to mention which prompt you’re referring to!

———

In CDD media, there are tropes I come across for loosing time. I’m curious to know if you relate to any of these or if they’re different than what you’d describe. Here are some common tropes I stumble upon about loosing time:

The scene blinks to another scene, the character seems completely confused as to how they got there, as though they’ve completely blacked out and have no reference as to how or why they got there.

The character has people they don’t know they talk to, or even an entire life they’re unaware of, like a job they didn’t know they had

Switching is very clear-cut, there’s no blendiness or co-consciousness beyond maybe a few words shared between parts. Its as if the part switching in is entirely robbed of all senses of the outside world

There’s often no retrospection or recollection of what happened in the gap of time that’s been lost

Do you relate to any of these tropes? If you could explain how it feels to loose time, how would you? Or, how would you write a scene about a character that’s loosing time like you are?

[indecision-s]

i need the people in my life to stop 😁 commenting 😁 on 😁 my 😁 body 😁 !!!!1!!

[system-of-a-feather]

Man no person can really understate how hard it is to talk about inner world experiences and "psuedo memories" that are deeply impactful to you without feeling literally insane, even if you know exactly what trauma reflavoring it is based on and where it comes from even if its not in the same form.

[sunshine-and-feathers]

tummy tuesday update I gave myself a womb tat with jagua cause I was bored and it looks cute!!!!

design is based off of the temporary tattoos by moeflavor!!!!!

also hairy boy thighs <3

Pronouns are He/Him, minors, cishet DNI