#alter: xiv

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly I think people on here really greatly under acknowledge and recognize the large impact / large trauma that comes from intergenerational trauma from colonization, systemic racism, and not-white America centered trauma. And I know that likely has to do with how massively white tumblr dot com is, but it really isn't until I was around my writing partner that has known me for more than half my life and talking with another peer with Chinese-Indonesian background did it really occur to me how intensely pervasive intergenerational trauma due to US involvement in SE Asia is and how it plays / impacts my life.

A lot of non-America centered trauma and abuse really doesn't fall into any of the real common ways people talk about abuse, neglect and trauma because a lot of that sort of trauma is way more complex and nuanced because a lot of the nature of HOW / WHY that abuse, neglect and trauma occurred is inherently tied a lot more into a history of community / collective trauma and abuse and the ways the individuals from those areas 1) had to survive and 2) the resources that they had available to work with and 3) the inability / difficulty for individuals who are transmitting that intergenerational trauma to realize that they are not in that situation anymore and thus not unintentionally recreate the environment / mindset / trauma for the kids going on

And I'm saying "inability / difficulty" in this case because while I agree that the rhetoric of "it doesn't matter if an abuser has trauma, they could have not continued it" is true in most cases, in my experience especially with my own intergenerational trauma, some people have systemically been stripped of basically any real resources or aid or opportunity or space to really "stop the cycle of abuse" and even at their obvious BEST attempts, they still end up in a position where they systemically really can't prevent it from passing on

It was a joke - a very real joke, but that is something I appreciate with my close friends because it reminds me to check my anxieties against reality - that I "act like I still am in Indonesia" (which for the record, I have never been in Indonesia, I'm the only one in my family that hasn't because I wasn't born when they were there) as a call back to when I was commentating on the complex and dynamic financial situation my family had growing up to which my friend told me "Yeah, but it doesn't matter if you had money or not if your dad constantly lived like he was still in Indonesia" which like... 100% true

And its honestly a really fucking hard thing to work through and overcome. Factually, ON MY OWN - ie not including my fiance who is ALSO in a similar situation on his own, I am financially pretty well off. Every month I make good savings and I have a pretty fat cushion in case things go bad, and so I very much CAN afford to buy myself a $6 fidget toy, but spending that $6 feels like fucking death itself a lot of the time.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel as if my financial situation is anything other than broke, not because of income or anything, but just because the factual amount of money I make isn't what controls if I feel financially comfortable / well off or not. I could probably have a half million in the bank and still be sweating about spending $6 on a fidget toy.

And honestly, I was watching 90 day fiance with my friends when I was traveling, and one of the dynamics (for those that know Ashley and Manuel) REALLY made it apparent how disconnected multi-generational Americans can be towards immigrant / immigrant families that have had to come to America for a chance at a better life. It's an experience - a trauma that a lot of people who are not an immigrant themselves or a first generation American to wrap their head around and fathom.

And honestly, I wish there was more talk about it. I wish there were more people with that history talking about it.

(I 'lowkey' start venting under here so Imma put it under the cut since it detracts somewhat from the point but its also worth stating)

I wish there were more people openly discussing how absolutely fucked it is that the US gets to come into countries, INTENTIONALLY fuck it up as a CONFIRMED and ADMITTED method to 'instill democracy / capitalism', and then the same people that from the same country that the US fucked over - for PURE survival - have to immigrate for a chance of living a life that is anything other than rough and a constant struggle.

Some people really wonder why it is that our system has such a foul taste in our mouth for America, I know some people think that because before fusing, >I< wondered why XIV was so deeply and intensely bitter about all things American, and I absolutely get it.

Indonesia was literally intentionally and systemically fucked over by the US Military. That fucking over resulting in immense trauma to my dad that not only immensely translated to me, but also made him EXTREMELY subservient in a "keep your head down, lick the boots of the most powerful person, and enjoy living under the boot of those in power because its the only way to have peace" which is something we - specifically XIV in the past - had internalized deeply which is why were were pretty far down the right wing path and why - when XIV looked at it closer and immediately saw past it - flipped to hard Anti-America values. Because its FUCKED that the US gets to come and ruin a country and then have the victims come and having the same victims "thankfully" licking the boots of the US for giving them a "better life".

Its honestly awful and literally no one talks about it and I know its not just Indonesia that has this. Its the fucking US's modus operandi and its fucking awful.

The US is a place you can come "to get a better life" largely because they fucking ruined most of the other places ability to have a good life.

[enter-the-darkness]

literally the whole punkcourse shit is some of the dumbest fucking discourse I've seen in a fuckin minute. Like yeah some people don't understand the fundamental concept of punk (I personally actually tend to mildly dislike the punk community because of how some white punk people operate and some really bad experience with white punks; but thats not important really cause idgaf really other than a mild sigh) and all but like really, if they're claiming to be "punk" by being exclusionist and hateful and supporting a broken system, then they're going to literally be laughed out by any punk person who hears them talk 2 seconds on the topic.

Like its the least punk thing but guys, yelling at them about how it isn't punk isn't going to make them not use the tag or change their minds on anything

It's like a school bully walking up and making the announcement that they're squad is now called the "Kewl Kids" and people telling them that it isn't "Kewl" to be a bully

They're not gonna fucking care and its pointless. They're point wasn't to be "Kewl" their point is to just sit around with their thumbs up their asses and be a fucking douche. Calling themselves kewl - whether they genuinely think it is or not - is just part of having their thumbs up their asses and being a fucking douche.

Let their own hubris make a clown of itself and stop clogging tags. Lets asshole be assholes, block em and move the fuck on.

[system-of-a-feather]

oh no

this has been on my "always reblog, like and save" list forever and XIV just in the back was like "WAIT I COULD PLAY THAT NOW" and oh no the power you've given us if our sister who works at amazon ever shows her face around us

especially since XIV intends to bring a guitar any place he might get annoyed as a pacifier

oh no

-RIku

honest to god can't stop thinking about this song about jeff bezos by philip labes (link takes you to his spotify). it's such a good example of politically driven folk music.

[system-of-a-feather]

Question to other autistic and/or dissociative folks, do you guys ever wonder if you hear music in your head more clearly / vividly / loudly than most people? It's not something we can have full control over but we can at times very easily get caught listening to our "internal radio" that we literally can't hear or process sound of whats going on around us.

It's one of those things that is hard to compare verbally though like trying to see if we all "see the same red"

[enter-the-darkness]

Confession, as a POC system, I think the current discourse is stupid and built on semantics (some call it traumatizing, some call it bad and if the statement came from a POC themselves Id be defending them) and while Sophie and Cambrian need to stop talking for POC (they arent welcome in the discussion as white people who regularly ignore POC) and using the "I got a POC friend" card, I do think this is dumb syscourse on semantics.

Everyone needs to touch grass and take a breather. Block racists and move on.

Sophie and Cambrian, while I see your point, my main point to yall is stay out of topics of racism cause yall are pasty white mayo and have no straw in the discussion.

[system-of-a-feather]

You know thing Im thinking about but you ever think about how "feeling numb" despite being associated with "feeling nothing" actually is way more of a notable experience than actually feeling nothing?

Both physically and emotionally?

I dont feel much on a basis - enough so that its considered clinically relevant. Its very hard to elicit a genuine notable emotional reaction from me and day to day I don't really feel much of a way towards anything unless specifically something occurs or I intentionally think and attend to an emotional topic relating to the thing. That's all just to say that I dont really feel much of anything; however it is an extremely different sense of nothing when I feel Numb which is a distinct feeling of Nothing rather than actual lack of notable feeling

Likewise with physical numbness your feel tingly but not Nothing and if you do feel nothing, you dont tend to call it numb you call it nothing

I dunno, just some car thoughts between XIV and I. Open mic to anyone wanting to throw on their thoughts on the matter.

[system-of-a-feather]

I find this kinda funny cause I'm really not that much of an intellectual personally and Riku is a fucking computer potato if you leave then on their own but if we answer this to our collective needs (mostly what Riku did with a bias to putting their needs first) you get an intellectual jock

hi everyone tell me your archetypes, these are mine

[enter-the-darkness]

Unironically, sometimes I forget cishet people ACTUALLY exist and are actually the majority cause of how queer our circles are, then I get whiplash when I go into fandom spaces and see a lot of self ship and het-presenting OC x Canon character art and go "????? Him with a WOMAN?"

Like, I don't headcannon any character any queer sexuality or anything, but I am pretty sure my brain defaults to assuming everyone is attrracted to the same sex and seeing a character attracted to the opposite sex registers as a wild headcannon

Cause literally I'm here and I'm like "WOAH THERE. That's an interesting take to state that hed like women." And then I have to double take myself and ask why I assumed the character was exclusively same sex atteacted.

[haunted-xander]

When the light is too blinding, I'll be your shade / When the dark enshrouds all, I'll be your eyes

[system-of-a-feather]

I'm gonna give yall an insider tip, in terms of DID, if you ask "how do you figure ___ out" and "how do you know if ____", the answer is we don't. We just take it as it presents as it is and anything not presented, we just leave alone and anything that is presented we just tend to take at face value. We've stopped giving much of a fuck about getting every detail about our system down or even being right about it

[system-of-a-feather]

@ Riku

[system-of-a-feather]

An important thing that I feel (at least in my experience) is often reinforced growing up in an abusive environment is that anger is only expressed and shown in one very loud and aggressive manner and that the only way it can exist and be expressed is in that very loud and aggressive manner when it is very much not the truth

Anger is not inherently an emotion that is unteathered, aggressive, or loud

Anger is not inherently anything beyond a feeling that stands to tell you that something is seen as unfair, unjust, or hurtful to you in some way or form. It can be hard to control, it can be very loud, it can be all consuming and it can be aggressive; but it can also be very very powerful and that in itself can be a good or bad thing depending on how well you can control and hone it

Growing up, either if you have been gaslit / emotionally abused / neglected to where only loud, uncontrollable anger was the only form / expression of anger that was acknowledge or if you were only exposed to forms of aggressive and loud anger and never exposed to any other versions, it can be easy to draw a false dichotomy between "hiding and silencing your anger" and "letting it free to go wild"

But both ends, more often than not, result in unhealthy and harmful results. Your anger is valid and still exists regardless of how or when it is expressed. It does not have to be loud, aggressive, and uncontrolled to be acknowledged and to be True Anger.

Learning to understand, listen, and communicate and compromise with your anger to get it to work WITH you rather than FOR you is a really important and fruitfull skill to develop as not only will it keep you from unintentionally hurting yourself and others in blinded fury, but you can also properly direct that powerful and intense anger into things that actually matter to you and build you and those around you up.

Anger doesn't have to be destructive to be anger. Anger can build the foundation for necessary change and be a mechanism of creation, but only when you are able to work with it rather than let it work you / work for you.

Make anger your friend and establish healthy communication with it, and it will take you far.

For the systems out there reading this, take it as an IFS approach or a literal system dynamics talk, it applies both ways.

[system-of-a-feather]

(PUBLISHING OLD DRAFTS THAT ARE GOOD / INTERESTING; This was written in January 2023)

Good tip before giving a fuck about something on the internet, genuinely ask "why does this matter for any practical reason outside of internet approval and discourse" and "when has this actually come up as an issue in a space that wasnt online"

[keicordelle]

After Estinien gets his body back from Nidhogg, he finds himself changed. Always a little surprised to uncover the differences. Most of them are benign: a few scales in places they don't belong (as though they belong anywhere), a few barbs in places not worth mentioning, a sense of smell and hearing that far outpaces his comrades'. And a weakened immune system (or so he thinks).

Years of thinking he just gets horribly, terribly sick for a few weeks out of every year - a peculiar kind of sickness, to be sure, that leaves him flushed and sweaty and aching in places that the common cold usually leaves untouched, but undoubtedly, unquestioningly ill.

The first one strikes while he's still in Ishgard, recovering from being possessed, and suddenly every part of him feels like it's on fire again. The healers can't do anything for him, but they refuse to allow Aymeric to see him until he's recovered.

And then he leaves, off to wander the world, and suffers his new chronic illness alone for untold moons. He's accepted it as routine by the time he makes his way back to Ishgard.

And yet the instant he catches a whiff of Aymeric's scent, familiar despite the years spent apart, he feels himself falling ill. Curses his luck and his shitty immune system for its timing, but pushes through. He wants to at least greet Aymeric before hiding himself away for a week of suffering. But he can scarcely make it through dinner before he's forced to retreat, panting and fevered and aching.

Except that this time there's no chirugians to keep Aymeric away. He shows up on Estinien's doorstep the following day, worried for his old friend. Estinien tries to stop himself from what comes next, he really does, but... it's a battle he's destined to lose.

And to his astonishment, Aymeric is more than willing to do whatever it takes to help him feel better. Whatever it takes.

[system-of-a-feather]

OKAY THOUGH ME AND XIV

My current fav ship dynamics

[futureofdespair-xiv]

‣ CLOSER TO IDEAL .