#im not embarassed or ashamed or anything

[sanguinaryrot]

gender can be so confusing :/

[yuridovewing]

phone died so i couldn't post, but im gonna be like au speculating as i go through these and i want a good amount of them to be Somewhat rooted in canon? and man i gotta figure out whats just the erins being bad at establishing genuine connections between characters and a character genuinely being distant.

anyways is it just me or does bramblestar feel very distant from his children here

[clownpassing]

crossfaded. tired. exhausted. back hurts.

[frostbite-the-bat]

Do ye think HR would play competitive yahtzee....

Or are dice too snackable

so, funny thing, i am chewing on dice while reading this! i may be autistic but trust me better than me chewing headphone wires and my phone!

anyways,

(googles what yahtzee is because i grew up with czech names for games)

(does not know how to play any fucking games like this)

uh huh uh huh

uh huh. uh huhhhhhhhhhhh. (SWEATING)

well, i can say for myself that the dice Are Snackable.! But sure yea hr would play but Watch Out

[halfbloodfics]

Gentle dom! snape headcanons

Hi im procastinating the number of requests in my inboxes so until I get around to them, have another headcanon post to tie you over.

warnings: NSFW, smutty, minors DNI, mentions of kinks

I've written quite a bit of sub!snape fics that now I'm starting to miss dom!snape.

I'd like to preface this by saying that these are obviously just headcanons. Personally, I think severus is likely very sexually reserved, due to both trauma and honestly, isolation. I don't see him as being this overtly sexual person, as everything within him from canon, in books and the movies, shows him as very conservative and reserved. His clothing, his skills in occlumency, his facial expressions... everything about himself is very, reserved and controlled.

So I find that important to preface this by saying, that anything specifically kinky, especially dominant, would take a lot of time and patience coming from sev. I think at first, sex would definitely be more gentle, passionate, loving thing, if not a tad bit submissive.

However after awhile, once he becomes more comfortable, I can see him beginning to get more confident with his sexuality and more sure in the fac that you really want him. I can see his nerves slowly fading away into that kind of repressed longing and desire that he's denied himself for so long. I can also see him enjoying this because his whole life, he was so powerless. I mean, constantly being used as a pawn in a game that was bigger than him, obeying a different master.. I think it would be nice to be the one with the control for once.

Also this is specifically for gentle dom! snape, so there will be another one for hard dom! snape. Anyways enough yappin, here are the headcanons.

~

The first time he doms

I need to write a fic on this tbh, but I imagine it starts off by him relising how much you actually need him

The concept of you, needing him; of someone needing him that way, craving him?? Insane. he craves it. he wants it. he wants to hear it. see it.

I think something would have to happen for him to really realise this, either you admitting that you've masterbated to him... or maybe even him accidentaly catching you in the act.. Picturing/seeing you touching yourself, you wishing it was him, moaning his name, drives him wild

Something switches in him, where as before he might be flustered, embarassed, even ashamed. now he simply stands there.. watching, still... until he moves approaches

Then I imagine he's asking you if you were thinking about him.. and then specifically what you were thinking of...

And then he gives you exactly what you were asking for.. Or tells you to keep going while he watches

Once he's more comfortable... here are my headcanons about

Kissing

When he's in a dom mode, making it just does something to him. I mean in general, any sort of touch does something to him; but french kissing, hearing you moan into the kiss?? Gripping the back of your head?? Your throat?? That man kisses you like he's drowning.

Kinks

Names: I think, as a gentle dom, he wouldn't like to be called any names other than his name. I think the big part for him, is that much needed ego boost that you need HIM

I think he's very big on you saying his name, making you say it again and again, asking you who you belong to, who's making you feel that good, etc

Speed? I think it's usually a steady pace, depending on the day and what you need/want. I don't think he's afraid of going fast or rough, but not slapping, choking, or heavy degrading.

Bondage: I think he would however, be into being on top of you, pinning you down with his body in some way. Restraining you, with himself. Perhaps sometimes, using something to tie you up or tie your hands behind your back, but for the most part I imagine he likes using his hands, holding your wrists behind your back, pinning them above your head, beside your head, pinning your hips down to stop you from squirming, that sorta thang

Praise: especially as gentle dom, he loves to praise you. I don't imagine he's very vocal, but I do imagine he talks you through it. Praising you as you take him, as you orgasm. I don't think as a gentle dom, he would be interested in degrading you

Begging: slight begging, I think he more so wants to take care of you as a gentle dom, make you feel good. I think he'd find it attractive, once again as an ego and control thing, that you're begging for him, but I think he'd give in quite easily as a gentle dom

Idk what this is called but instructing you how to masterbate? Him sitting on the edge of the bed, or standing across the room... Telling you exactly how fast to go, how many fingers to use, how to touch yourself etc.

Positions

Missionary: gentle dom sev LOVES missionary and you can't convince me otherwise. He still gets all the fun parts of being dom, being on top of you, being able to pin you down, but he also gets to see ALL of you.. Your reactions, your body, your eyes

Doggy: I think this is more for hard dom snape tbh, which is a whole other post of its own. But I really, truly think he'd love this one. Pinning your shoulders down, leaning over you, taking you from the back... Or pinning your wrists behind your back while he yk.. Gripping your chin, whispering praise in your ear.. Yeah

Spooning: I also think he's like this one, especially as a gentle dom, cause it's still dominant for him, but you also both get to be comfy and in bed. And he gets to wrap his arms around you, hold you. It's romantic, dominant, gentle, all in one

Oral: As a gentle dom, I can see him liking recieving oral more than him being a switch. I still think he prefers to give, but I imagine that he likes to have you on your knees, his hand in your hair, just gently guiding your movements, praising you the entire time

Misc

Clothing: I think he loves being clothed while you're naked, not only does it make him more comfortable, he also gets to see all of you and it kinda adds to the power vibe. However, seeing you in any type of slightly revealing clothing does something to him. Even if it's just a little tight, or if your shirt is a little low.. He's spent his entire life ruling with an iron fist over his emotions and now somehow its crumbling all because of a damn scoop neck t-shirt. Mans could fight voldemort but not the power of tiddies. Also really loves nightgowns.

Moans: He loves hearing you. any type of sounds at all, even the slightest gasp to you crying out for him. It makes him want to hear more. especially if you're moaning his name. I don't imagine he moans much, more so small grunts and groans

He's a boob guy. For sure. That's it.

Aftercare: He is very, set on aftercare. Always. Especially after he has been dom. Even if he hasn't been rough, he knows aftercare is important. Brings you water, makes sure you drink it. Makes sure you use the washroom after. Holds you, praises you.

And i think thats it, for now, though I'll probably come up with more eventually.

Cheerio

xx

[tomssexdoll]

im definitely not back in ur requests again teehee 😁😁😁 wiggles toes

so i was thinking like 2006 teenage dirtbag boyfriend bill headcannons ? like he smokes weed, steals things, vandalizes the sides of buildings with harmless funny shit, yk the stereotypical stuff you’d imagine. but like he’s still the perfect bf and he’ll steal stuff for you and do eeveerything for u. (and like reader is sort of a goody two shoes so they don’t smoke or steal and he’s just like the complete opposite and he finds it cute 🌚) and u can add some nsfw too pretty please with multiple cherries on top (i’ll add tongue in our next sloppy kissy)

OMG HEY POOKIE

Teenage dirtbag headcannons Bill

smokes weed every weekend

at parties a lot

usually sneaks you out to a party

complains when you have to study

steals quite a lot

when he steals he'll always get you something as a present

never ashamed to show you off to his friends

loves that you don't do half of the stuff he does, and is kind of glad

very affectionate and needy in private

tougher in public

sneaks into your window at night to see you

loves to tag walls, bins, doors, anything he can spray paint on

loves to skate

gets VERY drunk at parties

encourages you to get drunk (you only do it sometimes)

loves how you are nerdy/ a goody two shoes

goes to all of your award ceremonies for extra caricular activities

teachers always warn you about him and shame you for being with him

will fight anyone who dares to hurt you

very protective and jealous

will do anything for you even if it's boring for him

yells at his friends when they diss you for being "boring"

kisses you so much in public to embarass you, he loves seeing you flustered

never pressures you to do anything you don't want to

sex is amazinggg oml

you're secretly a freak in bed heheh

huge risk taker

sometimes he'll try harder drugs at a party

honestly prefers to hang out with you

when you're together he doesn't expose you to the stuff he does that much

cute dates

always cuddles you to sleep

best comforter when you cry

[fairycosmos]

I just read your post about your lack of identity and I feel so very similar. I've always been shy and quiet and weird even as a kid but nowadays (I'm 23) I have extreme social anxiety and one tip I always hear is to "just be yourself" and to not be ashamed if you say/do something embarassing etc etc. And the thing is...I dont know how to be myself. I spent the last 5 years basically only interacting with my immediate family because i lost all my friends due to my mental illness and my being unable to be a normal young person. And in this time of (relative) isolation all these things that humans naturally do in interactions or just everyday life have become very hard and artificial-feeling for me. Like everything i do i am aware of and i think it through, even the dumbest stuff like scratching my fucking nose. Now when I'm around other people I lose all sense of who I am and what I want to do and say. I'm not even scared to embarass myself anymore, I just turn into a completely empty shell around others because it feels like all of myself is gone then, so it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to "be myself". What would myself do now? Smile? Say something? Move around in my seat? I literally dont know. Who am I even? And then I HAVE TO put on some kind of facade and try to act normal because otherwise i would literally sit there, staring blankly into space with no expression, not saying a word. It is so fucking hard. Sorry for telling you this, I hope you have a nice day if you ever read this <3

i completely understand what you mean, im in the same boat and honestly you articulated this so well.....ive nicknamed it social or mental atrophy and it's incredibly painful and disorienting to deal with......what's worse is you'd think the simple solution is to just force yourself to be around people more but it's not that simple at all and it just sucks so fucking bad. especially the older you get. im 23 too and i just feel like i never got to develop a mind or personality of my own around others. to this day im just on autopilot with nothing to offer and my natural state is just silence and not talking or expressing anything. people are obviously not very drawn to that and it's just a really lonely way to be but i quite literally don't know how to be anything else. i go through that too - just questioning what am i supposed to do in this moment? what would "i" do or say? i just don't know and ive tried really hard to push myself into social situations for years and it still hasn't changed anything. yeah, i completely get what you mean - it's really hard and im sorry you have to deal with it as well. i truly hope you find people who appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. i hope you're able to discover yourself bit by bit and that you feel comfortable enough to express that someday. i hope you have a nice day too and if you ever need a friend or anything feel free to shoot me a message ❤️

[huellitaa]

ྀི ୨ embarrassment ୧ ྀི

...is a social construct designed to make us feel bad by those who cant handle their own mistakes & or shortcomings.

seriously. like. it baffles me how people are still living in the mindset where they let embarrassment become anything more for them than a concept.

୨୧ embarrassment

- a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness.

embarrassment is perfectly normal. it happens to everyone because we all make mistakes. but some people let embarrassment and the fear of embarrassment consume them and the choices they make far too much, far too often.

♡ which leads me onto my first point; it is completely normal. everybody makes mistakes. this is our first time in this life and we are all learning & growing with our every choice, every action, every decision <3 remember that the next time youre panicking and freaking out because you made a mistake.

♡ its never that deep. i like to try be gentle w this stuff but lemme tell u straight no one actually cares . im serious,, like babes no one gives a shit honestly 😭😭 and your mentality should be the same. people remember this stuff n laugh for 5 mins and then theyre back to their life. and if they hang on to it for longer then theyre the one who should be embarrassed.. get a life pls??

♡ similar to what i said a moment ago , its. never. that. deep. laugh it off !!!!! giggle !!!!!! laugh about it !!!!!!!! nobody cares !!!!!! this shows that it doesnt faze you and this shows how confident you are within yourself that you dont let silly little mistakes bother you because they do not matter.

♡ when it comes to your interests, please never be embarrassed about these. this is something ive struggled with since i was little but never never never be embarassed of the things that bring you joy. if they arent hurting anyone and are perfectly okay you should never be embarrassed ab that. it makes you happy. why should you be ashamed of that for someone else???🩷

♡ has someone ever said something to you? made u doubt urself? then you get embarrassed ab it???? dont. do not even go there. i ws so insecure before (i know😭😭) and couldnt hold a single opinion for myself but when you know who tf you are you wont be doubting yourself for anyone ml.

♡ so... you wanna pursue your dreams but ur too embarrassed. ur too embarrassed and worried "what if this doesnt work" "what if it doesnt happen" n whatever other dumb shit ur worried abt and scared to outgrow your surroundings and evolve. wow. you know how silly that sounds? so.. like.. let me get this straight... youre telling me... that youre not doing what you love... for the sake of someone else or some silly little doubts????wow. you get one life n youre doing that. GET IT TOGETHER BABES. GET REAL. WHY WOULD U SABOTAGE URSELF LIKE THAT????? YOURE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT LIKE 😭😭🩷🩷🩷🩷

♡ understand that peoples perceptions of you are often reflections of themselves just like your perceptions of others are often reflections of yourself. they think its embarrassing because they know for a fact deep down that theyd be too embarrassed and self conscious to do it themselves.

♡ and then watch the way they'll all come crawling back apologising and grovelling the moment you're rich and successful and got everything you ever wanted.. all because you had the confidence to trust in yourself and pursue what you wanted without listening to their self doubts. <3

♡ reverse psychology. "why r u doing that" "thats so cringey" why r u so wrapped up in my business? thats so cringey

♡ overall, confidence, strong self concept & trusting in your ability to bounce back from anything are the three main things that will never let you wallow in this silly little emotion again. embarrassment is like a pitiful, more insignificant, ridiculous version of fear. if ur gonna be scared then b scared of something worth ur time babe ur more than that <33

[pockyandsoda]

omfd s2ep8 spoilers & rant

originally posted to my twitter acc

i am genuinely so confused by the amount of pure vitriol some of you have towards izzy and izzy fans?? i get not particularly liking a character or agreeing with the way other people see them, but some of y'all are being absolutely disgusting towards others. what happened to cringe culture being dead, huh? insinuating people should be embarassed or ashamed to have a reaction to characters they like - having big emotions about media you love is part of being in a fandom! you're no better or less weird! oooh look at you being unwilling to forgive or accept character growth! wow! so morally superior and cool! just because you dont personally agree that a redemption arc was deserved or done well doesnt make it a fact btw.

ive been watching this season with casual viewers who are not a part of online fandom at all, and they have all very much enjoyed izzy's arc and him as a character, they are able to see the narrative importance of it, as are the writers and the crew. again, you dont have to agree. but dont act superior.

at the end of the day, this is a silly pirate show made mostly for 'haha's, and ALL of these characters have done HORRIBLE things, they're pirates ffs, that's kinda the whole point here guys! and those things are ridiculously easily forgiven (by our standards) again, because they are pirates and this is not a serious show.

izzy fans are sad, some are very very sad, maybe even a 'weird' amount! so? do you really need to dunk on them for lolz? make it out like they're insane for even liking a character that the show itself actively likes and supports and clearly wants the audience to like (in s2 anyway, and if you deny this then sorry but you're being willfully wrong)? idk why any of you are remotely surprised people like this character? starting to think some of you just wanna be edgy and seem sarcastic and cool and superior for your 'witty' twitter commentary tbh.

and of course sending any kinda negativity towards writers/cast/crew is disgusting and pathetic, but im seeing that from izzy lovers and haters alike on my feed, so dont you dare try and make it seem like a pro-izzy only issue here. and y'know what? it's also disgusting and pathetic to belittle and mock other members of the fandom, and im only seeing one side engaging in that behavior, please do humble yourselves and remember the times in your life when you have had a strong emotional reaction to things happening to your fav characters and ships. dont forget that you are also a loser with a fandom twitter/tumblr account.

and for the record, i thought the finale was genuinely good, as was all of season 2 in my opinion. all this immature negativity and faux superiority is making this fandom toxic. izzy is a popular character with viewers (casual & otherwise) and the creative team, who had a decent redemption arc. that is a fact, whether you like it or not. people should not have to feel hesitation about posting anything remotely positive about izzy out of fear of judgement or ridicule. save your cutting twitter remarks for actually problematic people.

im not even particularly attached to this damn character but the way y'all have been behaving has annoyed tf outta me.

[nobodywritingao3]

i feel kind of sick making this post so please excuse me if i sound like a rambling mess. i am not the type of person to talk in detail about my life in online places cuz i live in fear of this getting back to my abuser but shubble's story punched all my most sensitive spots and i want to talk about it

(really long sensitive post)

ive gotten kind messages from people that i havent responded to. the idea of responding to people individually kind of makes me feel sick. so im doing this instead. and im also going to vent really hard because i am not doing well and talking about this to my therapist is soul crushingly embarrassing because wilbur soot is a minecraft man and im a freshly turned 20 year old who pays rent and is respected by my therapist and i dont want to admit that i wrote fanfic about a 30 year old white boy i discovered in quarantine when i was 15. can you imagine that conversation? id have to explain what the dream smp is.

when i watched shubble's video for the first time, i was in total disbelief. i couldnt believe that wilbur soot had done these things but i knew that the liklihood of it being anyone else was pretty low. i chose to hope that the story was not about him, and that if it was that he was a reformed abuser who had reorganized his value system and respected his partners now. i had a lot expectations. then he released his statement and i was horrified. i was disappointed and kind of in denial. his statement was worse than anything i had prepared for as 'worst case scenario.' as time has passed my denial has mostly dulled but im ashamed and im embarassed and im badly triggered.

i kind of hysertically hoped that it was a sick prank that shubble and wilbur cooked up and would get horribly cancelled for, but its not a prank, theres no "haha sike" moment, and wilbur abused shelby.

his response undid me because i saw so much of my own abuse in the words he used.

abusers are really good at making people take a centrist "two sides to every story" stance. i dont know how to describe this to people who have never been abused, but i will do my best

most people are taught that when theres an argument between two people, both parties carry some amount of blame and if you want to resolve that issue, it's a good idea to look at your part in the dynamic. we're also taught to keep our disagreements between ourselves and to not involve other people in our drama.

these are sensible sentiments, but abusers are very good at manipulating these sentiments.

when a victim speaks up for themselves and they call someone an abuser, what they are saying is: "this person cruelly bullied me and hurt me and exerted control over me that i did not deserve or ask for or elicit."

that's a heavy accusation and it contradicts sentiments we are taught like "it takes two to tango" and "dont involve others with your relationship drama."

many abusers are charismatic people. id even say most. when you hear this accusation about someone you think is really cool, your natural instinct is to ask for their side of the story.

they will tell you some version of this:

"i am shocked and hurt that she would call me an abuser. we've been having relationship problems recently, and sometimes i lose my temper. im not proud of that. ive done a lot of things im not proud of. it's true that i did [insert played down act of violence] to her, but you wouldnt believe the horrible things she was saying to me. i lost control, and im so ashamed of myself."

this version of events makes the abuser seem reasonable, it makes the victim seem irrational and quick to blame and hysterical

from here, a lot of people will nod thoughtfully and go. "yeah. yeah. that makes sense. everyone has a unique perspective. the fact that shes attributing all the blame to him without recognizing her own flaws and contributions to the relationship while he does shows that hes the reasonable one here. hes such a chill guy. the things shes saying dont make sense at all. i probably wont say it to her face, but i think shes in the wrong."

wilbur's response hit all the beats im familiar with. it was so in line with everything my abuser used against me, and in line with what ive heard other victims say their abusers used against them, and in line with examples ive read and witnessed and had countless psychiatrists walk me through that reading it was like getting hit by a train.

the hope that i carried with me through that week was that wilbur was a reformed abuser. but reading that response gave me the gut wrenching confirmation that he wasnt.

thinking about it too much literally makes me sick and shaky in a way i havent experienced since my own abuser tracked me down the first time and gave me a beautifully wrapped gift. with my abuser, i had several years trapped with him where all the love i felt for him disappeared and was replaced by total hatred for everything he put me through. i wasnt expecting this from wilbur at all, and i feel fucking sick because this was a man i sincerely admired and looked up to a lot. i really liked wilbur soot. he released that response and this image in my head that i had of him was tainted by the memories of my abuser.

im reminded of one event several years ago where i was choked. i tried to ask for help but everyone who knew immediately reached out to him and asked for "his side of the story." i dont want to talk about what he did to me after that. all that matters is that in the end, no one believed me. everyone took his side over mine and insisted that i was lying or exaggerating or trying to get attention or trying to make him look bad. people who i loved and thought would always be there for me sent me paragraph long text messages calling me a bitch and a cunt. the person i loved the most in the world told me that i was out of line and said point blank that they were sorry, but couldnt believe me over the person who choked me. i had never felt so alone.

ive been having a rough time. i confided in a friend who is trying to escape his abusive husband, and he gently told me that this might mean i have "a type," meaning im naturally drawn to people who are abusive. after i escaped, i took a lot of solace in the fact that i was inspired so much by wilbur soot. i thought he was progressive and stood up for womens rights and was anti bigotry and all those lovely good things. this man i admired so much was the image of healthy, nonviolent, kind masculinity. finding out he isnt has made me question myself and my own judgment and it's making me wonder if the people i let in my life and the people im drawn to are people who i subconsciously know will hurt me.

as of now, its been a year and a half since i escaped my abusive family at 18 years old. i turned 20 like half a second ago. the past 18 months of my life have been devoted to looking into legal protection, getting therapy to undo nearly 2 decades worth of ptsd, trying to keep all my baggage to myself because i dont want to burden my friends anymore than i have, and holding down a steady job so that i can afford rent without having to rely on the parents of my friends to house and feed me and keep my location secret from an insane group of people who reeeeally want me to come back even tho im pretty sure one of them might """""accidentally"""" kill me one day

i feel ashamed and embarrassed by being this affected by wilbur soot. parasocial relationships are looked down upon and i feel like the perfect stereotype of a hysterical, delusional teenager / young lady finding out that her hero is "a flawed human being, just like you and me - seriously, what did you expect?!"

i already see people jumping to his defense, although i try to look away because that is also extremely triggering for me.

it is hard not to acknowledge wilbur's humanity, and i want to clarify that i do feel compassion for the amount of death threats, doxing, and isolation he is undoubtedly experiencing right now. no matter what you do, i dont believe that retributive justice or revenge is a proactive, sane response. i am sincerely worried that he will either try to kill himself as a last ditch attempt for sympathy OR that he will actually just kill himself from the public shaming. i do not want him to experience a mental health crisis and i do not want him to die, even tho he has horribly disappointed me and reminded me of so many bad things

this was kind of an insane post. im ready for it to get 1 note and then experience a horrifying amount of embarrassment as i realize that people read this and know disgusting amounts about me as a person, but i want to share my experience as someone who has been abused. i want to offer solace to people who are in the same boat and possibly reach someone who might have otherwise believed wilbur was telling the truth.

i want to end this post on a positive note, so im going to share some naive hope ive been repeating to myself for the past few days

i hope that people believe shubble. i hope she finds comfort and compassion and healing. i hope she can internalize that what happened to her was not her fault. i hope she lives a happy life surrounded by people who see her and care about her

i hope that the people close to wilbur make him confront this side of himself. i hope he fixes his abuse problem and reorganizes his values. i hope his network of people is strong enough not to abandon him entirely but to intervene and make him work on himself. i hope he stays alive and i hope that he becomes an advocate for abused women

this was cheesy and unrealistic but ive been sending my hope into the universe and trying not to shut down because i dont know what else to do and my two hours of government issued weekly ptsd therapy is already devoted to the horrible things i experienced firsthand

anyway

as far as my fanfiction goes???? i dont fucking know.

im not going to delete it. im definitely taking a break and at least stepping into a pause so i can properly reflect on what to do in the meantime. as a musician and writer and creative in general, i was inspired by many aspects of wilbur soot for years and i need a second to chill out and get a hold of myself

maybe ill complete my work. if i do ill upload the finished products in one go and probably orphan them. and maybe delete my ao3 account. god knows at this point

i am still cringing so hard at myself for making this post. it's very emotional and i try to sell myself as serious, intellectual person. maybe this post will be received great or badly or just be ignored. in any case ill be embarrassed so it doesnt really matter how anyone feels about me after this. if you took the time to read, thank you for hearing me out. and if you didnt, im glad that i got a little catharsis

[whumpbug]

Hello Bug!!! I'm sure I don't speak for everyone when I say that I've been wondering why Sylvia fell in love with Clint. It seems like they really don't get along and that when she was alive, they butted heads a lot over arguments about how to raise a child. She also seemed to kind of fear him (not as much as Gene of course, but enough that she seemed like she was resigned to not always being able to protect him from him)

Were things different when they first met? Does Gene blame himself for how screwed up their relationship got?

UGH thank you so much for the question this is exactly the oppurtunity i was looking for to Ramble about gene's parents because ever since i've made them, they're so important to me. they are such a huge part of why gene is the way he is. SO THANK U SM!!!

u know the drill. long post incoming under the cut.

cw: child abuse, brief suicide mention, period typical sexism

✮⋆˙

about clint:

okay so i'm going to start by talking a little more about clint. im going to give a little disclaimer first, and that is that none of what i'm about to say justifies what he does to gene, it is simply explaining why he does it. i don't personally think clint is an awful person, but his actions are awful, no matter how complex the reasoning. this is not me justifying child abuse.

so clint grew up with a father that was far, far worse than he was. his father was aggressive, violent, apathetic, and never felt bad about anything he did. the abuse that clint, his siblings, and his mother went through is unimaginable. his mother took her own life when he was 19 because of it.

because of the kind of father he had, he learned two things. one, was that he wanted to treat women with respect, because the way his father treated his mother made him sick. he held true to that. never did he ever lay a finger on sylvia, no matter how heated the argument. his respect is part of what made her fall for him.

the second thing is that he didn't particularly want kids. he didn't want to make the same mistakes his father did with him, and he wasn't sure if that was possible so the solution was just not to have kids.

then he met sylvia.

about clint and sylvia:

sylvia and clint hit it off right away. first off, he's Not Ugly. gene got his good looks from both parents, but the handsome, sharp angles were straight from his pa. clint was infatuated with sylvia's spunk and beauty and caring nature, and the fact that she didn't care what her dad thought of him. she was never ashamed or embarassed of clint, and that was healing in a way.

anyways, things happen and sylvia ended up getting pregnant only a few months after they were married.

clint panicked.

he was Not ready to be a father, he wasn't sure if he never wanted kids (especially not a son. the sad truth is i think had the baby been a girl, so many of these problems would have been solved), but this was definitely soon, and it was only made worse by how excited sylvia seemed about it. he didn't want to rain on her parade so to speak, so he never said anything. that was one of their main problems-- clint never communicated because he thought sharing emotions was not something a man should do

their relationship only changed for the worse from there

about clint and sylvia-- post-gene:

when gene was born, clint wouldn't even hold him.

sylvia was, of course, heartbroken, but she didn't push him. when he started pulling away from her and baby gene, she didn't push him. she was too busy handling a new baby, after all.

but the full change in clint was one that sylvia never expected, and it was really really hard on her

clint became cold, angrier, more reserved and aggresive, and honest became more like his father. he was always unnecessarily hard on gene, especially because gene was a boy. he fell into the same kind of patterns that his father did, and by the time sylvia realized it, it was already sort of too late.

as feisty as she was, she was still a woman in the 1800s. she didn't have the agency over her son that clint did, and though she knew clint would never physically hurt her, there still wasn't a whole lot she could do. she was also very religious, as is typical for a southern girl, and didn't believe in divorce, so she had to deal with it.

her and clint had plenty of screaming matches about how to raise gene-- they had very different ideas of how to parent. clint wanted to raise gene into the Perfect Man-- mean, tough, and strong. sylvia just wanted to let him grow into his own person, and it just so happened that gene was a sweetheart. syliva truly didn't see a problem with that.

so yea, unfortunately, gene's birth kind of did ruin their marriage. the sad fact is that if he had never been born, they probably would have been an extremely happy, healthy couple. it was just unfortunate all around.

gene's thoughts:

even when he was little, gene was all too aware that he was the cause of his parents' problems, and it destroyed him from the inside out.

when he was only 5 or 6, he used to literally wish he hadn't been born so that "mama and papa could be happy again". its actually devastating. UGH sorry i made myself sad writing that

when sylvia died, his relationship with his father only got more estranged. he lived with him for a while after, and helped him on the farm and with the chores and things like that. still, they hardly interacted. they maybe had one conversation every month or so. gene felt very isolated in those years

gene doesn't hate his father though. as awful as he was to him, he doesnt hate him because he knows why he is the way he is. a core memory for him was when, a few months after sylvia died, he walked into the house to grab his coat he forgot and accidentally walked in on clint sobbing viscerally while clutching one of sylvia's dresses. he didn't see gene, and gene never ever brought it up.

the experience sort of humanized his father, and from then on, gene thought it best to just stay out his way and try not to cause problems for him.

nowadays, gene obviously doesn't live with clint anymore, but he still visits every month, and helps with the more physically demanding chores because clint is getting up there in years. clint, without fail, sends him home with a bottle of liquor and some gun oil. its their strange little routine, but gene has come to appreciate it. his father is all he has left, after all.

✮⋆˙

i hope this answers your question anon!!! it's so interesting to explore the people that raised gene because i feel like im getting so much content to characterize him with it, so don't be afraid to ask more or request fics!!!!! i really really appreciate your questions!!!

[crystalis]

hi ive been following u forever now but im afraid to come off anon because im nervous lol but have you ever been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder? its something ive been diagnosed with and when i read ur post i see myself in u bc im going through the same struggles. i cant drive, work, communicate or really just be around anyone bc of how terrifying people can be and the intense fear of messing up and being seen as an embarrassment/failure. ive isolated myself for so long that my social skills has deteriorated and i can barely form a sentence without extreme anxiety and i have some language attrition. idk if ur seeing anybody for mental health or if you heard of avpd but its worth researching bc i sure as hell didnt know about it before my diagnoses and now i can understand myself a bit better + i found a community of people like me. avpd is more than just regular anxiety its like anxiety^2 with a significant impact on your social and career life. its deeply rooted in your psyche unlike anxiety that can eventually be “cured” with the right treatments. idk i hope im not coming off as rude sending this message its not my intention to make you feel ashamed or anything like that. i just want to let you know that ur not alone in ur experience and that people care about u. anyway i hope u have a good rest of ur day and that things get better for u

no ive never been diagnosed, but i know about avpd and i sorta looked into it several years ago..im sure that i have it but i dont see anyone abt it or know what to do to treat it. i really appreciate the solidarity & it helps a lot to not feel so alone, thank you for sending me this 🩷 i relate to your experience a lot too and theres like such intense feelings of hopelessness and despair about it and its so overwhelming (i know you understand). its totally paralyzing, like a pretrifying irrational fear of embarrassment and humiliation and its so powerful..& the feelings of incompetence and shame that come with it. especially as you age. and then you cant relate to people your age, or make friends, or form bonds with other people. and the feeling of incompetence leeches into every aspect of your life and warps your perception of yourself and your confidence/self esteem.. ive lost so many friendships and years of my life and it feels like i buried myself in such a deep hole that i dont know how to climb out of. but its safe and comfortable in this hole, so you dig yourself deeper. when youre alone, you can never feel humiliated or embarassed. you can never say the wrong thing or miscommunicate, or feel self conscious of the clothes that youre wearing or the way that youre standing or the way that youre walking or what your hair looks like or what youre doing with your hands or so on and so on. you dont feel incompetent or scared or ashamed when youre alone, and its a self destructive desire for solitude that you just cant escape from and the ramifications of it are really painful. because you DESIRE to communicate and desire to feel loved and feel like a normal human being and form bonds with others and desire to experience things and make memories. you dont make memories or have any memories when youre lost in the void

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

7 17 19

i already answered 7!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

forgo art pleaseee please please

also more art of my personal favorite ship im suddenly too embarassed to mention.uh.yuri <3

19.you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

i stopped rly disliking hyness a while ago if thats anything...??? i still think we should beat him w hammers tho.uh yeah im not rly horrified of even kinda liking that guy LMAO

but no seriously can we beat him w hammers.i wanna beat him w a hammer.

[abimee]

my idea goes like this: it art blog is from a time, a time that is years ago. a time when i was 13? maybe 14. but my archive only goes back to february of 2015. because this art blog was originally a side secret blog i made to post embarassing shipping art i didnt want on my main account, which is an entirely different account from my current main account.

i made exactly 3 posts, got ashamed of it because none of my friends wanted to follow it, and forgot about it. i came back to it a year later and deleted the 3 posts off of it, and rebranded it as an art blog. it had pretty blue sky background and cute border decoration. my art was not good. but this was when i wanted to take my art seriously, make a ''place'' for my art that wasnt random tags on my main blog. i wanted to be /known/, because i was 14 years old in the era of kyleehenkes and stuff, and people with art blogs got popular.

cut forward to now, im nowhere closer to that goal. i was never going to be. and i never will. i had a brief taste of popularity when in the undertale fandom, but it also came with deep bouts of depression and problems with harassment over disliking a male fictional character. it wasnt fun anymore. i was failing highschool. i hated my life, and art was my only escape, its all i had in my life.

fast forward back to now, the high has been ridden and im no longer a teenager. the dream of being a well liked artist is beyond salvage in my hopes. it will just never happen. ive accepted it and marched on with the ideals of not wanting it. but this blog continues to hold that sensation in its walls; it wants the attention, to be that dream. its a reminder to me of something, of many things, ive failed to obtain. failure has been a chronic part of my life, ive barely ever done anything successfully, and every single artistic endeveaors ive strived for has all failed. ive failed in entering zines, in making my own zine, in winning competitions, of getting notority, in being the best in class, in doing anything ive set out to do. ive failed making comics, making animation, making simple clothes, making dolls, etc. ive never won at a single artistic endevar. ive never known the joy of ''winning''.

and it sits in my brain of like, why. why should i keep drawing. why should i do any of this. why have i kept up this hobby at all? a nebulous concept. i dont know. does it bring me joy? yes. does it bring me anguish and self hatred in the same hand? yes. ive never been satisfied, ive never been able to let things be, something must always be wrong, someting must always be embarassing. this blog is a festering of my inability to pick a decision and to pussyfoot for years on the single question of; should i keep doing this?

ask me some days and ill say yes, ask me others and ill say no. i dont know. is art for me? not really. have i sunk 15 years into it? yes. am i any good at it? [hand waving side to side motion]. does this mean anything? no. but the walls remember, and it will keep laughing at me. that i fail to even decide to put down the pencil or not. younger me laughs at me, i laugh at myself, my audience laughs at me. there is no winning here. i dont like abimee, and it doesnt like me

[pop-punklouis]

anon from yesterday, haven't even finished but YES i agree entirely: i had such an off-and-on relationship w her in the 2010s and really couldnt stand her in the 1989 days and lover is what tentatively pulled me back in. to me, lover was mostly a guilty pleasure though, i kinda liked some of the songs even though i knew they technically weren't the best (like i listened to me! but was embarassed about it) but i still felt really conflicted about it bc i could see through the "activism" of yntcd in that it was Very surface level and i could tell was just selling the album and era and "see i'm an activist now!" when she very much was not. but folklore actually got me to be a fan, it was just so enrapturing. same with evermore. and like you said, midnights was such a disappointment comparatively and im just waiting for ttpd to be the same. anyway agree w everything else you said, early morning think piece was time well spent.

separately, YES i remember his season of zoey 101 so clearly bc i was a big logan/quinn girlie. loved seeing the trailer to the reboot movie last summer (have no desire to see the actual thing) and know they end up together and that quinn had the glow up of the century.

what's funny is they put ned's declassified on netflix like a month after elvis came out and i'd just moved to a new city and didn't know anyone and i'm very ashamed to admit this but i did watch the whole thing (and really enjoyed doing so?? it held up? i did not expect that) and it was sooooo cute and funny and silly to see austin in the background all the time. i dont know that he ever had ANY lines but to watch that literally a MONTH after elvis was so funny

this is such a late reply whoops dsfsjkfjslk

BUT i do find it endlessly fascinating that so many people i know that didn't care for taylor during the 1989/reputation era found themselves climbing back in during lover. and i agree, i think it felt like a guilty pleasure more than anything at first with some of the songs because they were so unapologetically pop and powdery and sticky sweet or salty etc. and not to be that person but i think there is definitely a tie between her even showing an inch of public activism during that era and her dating joe who is very politically observant. but thats its own thought entirely lmao anyways!!

oh my god i would've died for logan and quinn. they were the IT couple for me on zoey 101. i think my fav episode of austin's season on that show was when him and zoey were trying to have that nice, private, romantic dinner at that restaurant on the hill and unbeknownst to them, logan and quinn are also having dinner there and they have to pretend like they aren't there together and somehow it becomes a huge mess lmao

BUT yessss him being an extra for ned's declassified was so cute. he was just happy to be there and i love going back and seeing him there. neds declassified in general is so good i still love watching it and other old teen nick shows.

[justalilpearlie]

hi guys dont mind me being insane again

im not tagging this too much cus its more of a personal ramble cus idk im feelin silly today and the BPD hits too hard. i wont be explainin what BPD is either so if u dont know either look it up or ignore this post,,

man i. have you ever loved someone so much you cry? /pos

like man i. its not romantic, may i clarify. most of my fps, except for my main one, are platonic. one of them is familial even

but i just. i feel like such a parasocial freako but i genuinly feel so intensely. its so positive too. if you ignore the crippling paranoia i always have abt my fps hating me or me being so intense they get uncomfortable...

but i just??? im not. normal about them.

i dont wanna sound creepy but they make my world so much better. id take a bullet from them. if give anything for them to be alright. i genuinly just REALLY enjoy their company and knowing theyre having fun with me aswell. knowing they enjoy me as a person. that im not a nuisance for the people i love the most.

and gosh i really hope they dont see this. i would feel so ashamed and embarassed if they did.

luckly i have better ways of copying with distress, attachment issues, jealousy, possesiveness, and all that other FUN (not) stuff that comes with BPD or rather specifically having an fp. A nice trustworthy psychologist (if u can afford it) does wonders to you, let me tell you.

its still hard sometimes but ive learnt to deal with it in ways that arent destructive to my relationships with those around me. i can cool down and such instead of lashing out or splitting for the most minimal things.

but now. for whatever reason. i went on a huge "positive" ramble instead. it was meant to be appreciation at the time, and still is, but i feel like its something that couldve scared them off. i showed some stuff to irl friends and online family, and everyone said theyd feel very appreciated if someone told them that stuff, but i cant help but feel is because they're my loved ones also and stuff. i really. really feel like i was too intense. i suck at showing affection in a normal way, a calm way, subtle way, like a normal person.

at this point i think. sigh i think its better if i just say nice things anonymously. i think if people, in general, not only my fps. but if people dont know affection comes from me they'll take it so much better than if they know its *me* in particular. and idk why! its just my brain being stupid again.

brains love doing that, dont they? being stupid. telling you everyone hates you oh so much no matter what you do. that theyre lying behind your back, and hate you in secret, theyre just being polite and allat.

well let me tell you, dear reader, whoever the fuck might read this, specially if its from the bpd tags: thats not true. sure, there might be assholes out there, but those people you think hate you despite how close you are, most likely dont. and i cant even get this through my own head but my sister repeats it to me all the time. "[name] talks so nicely about you and seems so happy seeing you". even then its hard to believe, i gotta stare at nice screenshots ive saved where i believe ive done something good, something worthy of appreciation, something that has not only meaning but an impact, a possitive one. and i know the chances of them actually hating me are low, but i still believe more in those chances than the proof.

i feel a bit delusional in a way. and i mean, i am, often times. but this is one of those thoughts- those god dammed thoughts where you're self aware yet- yet it doesnt shake the feeling away, you know? like no there is no proof, no logical proof at least, only what your mind twists into proof. but you still just "know it", yknow? even if you dont actually know shit and are very wrong. you feel like you do and it- it fucking sucks.

dont even get me started on splits and mood swings, highs and lows. Cause well. THATS NOT THE TOPIC OF THIS POST !! Lmao. i could go on for hours complaining tho. ough.

but yeah!! i just !! sorry, this took a turn. i just. needed to express myself idfk. i'll go back to posting abt minecraft men kissing soon or whatever, sorry normie followers /hj

i love them so much its overwhelming, yet i wouldnt change it for everything in the world, you know? not them. its hard but id rather endure it for them than have them not be THIS level of special to me anymore.

i really REALLY hope theyre not. uncomfortable by it tho. and wont dump me for it. i really wish i had a guide to how to and how to not mess up. so i could avoid doing dumb shit on accident.

and its funny cause theyre ppl that would absolutely tell me if im doing shit that bothers them, yet i believe theres smth else, stupid thoughts man. LEAVE ME ALONE FREDDY MERCURY!! UR SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD !! /ref

sighhhh anyhow yeah im dropping it here. bpd is a bitch. and to anyone out there dealing w it? godspeed. you can do this, i know life already sucks and this shitty dissorder doesnt help, but i know you can push through, mi gente bella.

Pearlo out. BPD hours rlly seem to be hitting at around 11-12 am, huh? /ij