#im fine i just dont have time to do anything anymore
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con todo el respeto que se merece señor biotipo but this is way off base. it is a mixture of several things:
1) as you say, vaccine uptake is super low in the first world AND in general. i don't know all the numbers for latinoamerica off the top of my head but it's not like we are keeping up with the vaxx either.
2) COVID-19 vaccines are not set and forget like what normally happens. In order to have maximum protection against the virus one must get the vaccine 3 to 4 times per year. if you're getting it once a year, you're not protected either. moreover, the vaccines don't immunize you completely from spreading it or from being infected, they just reduce the odds that those things will happen, and the severity of the infections if they do occur.
3) 50-60% (dont remember the exact number) of COVID transmission happens in the asymptomatic window, which if you remember from early in the pandemic we know can be up to two weeks.
4) there are no public health measures against COVID in any country in the world anymore. the overall message from the world's countries has been "dealing with sickness is now completely a matter of personal responsibility".
5) vaccination is not, and im quoting you here "the only effective way" to prevent COVID. masks and air filtration work! obviously they shouldn't be the only measure against it but they straight up do work, and not just against COVID but against every disease that spreads through the air!
so once you put all those facts together, you get the full picture: the overwhelming majority of people are not protected against COVID-19, even if they think they are because they get a vaccine once a year. they can have it and pass it while feeling absolutely fine. no one at any level of any institution is going to care that you got sick there, and are not going to take any measures to prevent it in the first place. therefore one is left in the position to try and take as much personal care as one can in the face of this situation, which means doing it at the individual, personal level, with masking and air filters everywhere.
i dont disagree that there's an element of first world chauvinism involved (i certainly can't afford all those fancy filters and CO2 meters and all that). but the reason it seems to you to be an overtly individual approach to the issue is it because it is! because societies across the world, from capitalist to socialist, have declared that its an issue that we are forced to tackle individually. its not that "pro-masking" people are anti-vaccine or anything, its simply that we are dealing with the matter of the situation as it is presented to us, i can assure you that you got a small sample of the actual "community" and that we talk about vaxx resources all the time too!
(also i can provide sources for everything here but im on my phone and just woke up, i can gladly do that later when im at my computer)
I was going to rant about why "masking against COVID" doesn't make sense when you should get vaccinated and push for better vaccination instead but you know what, I'm not gonna get in that mess
#lo respeto mucho señor biotipo#espero esto no suene agresivo porqué no es mi intención#simplemente proveo más información
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#tw vent#tw suicide#this is my diary#i cant stop crying its so annoying i start tearing up every other minute#nothing in my life is the way i want it to be#and i cant fix any of it#and i just feel horrible all of the time#i wish i would just die already#like.#im done here. ive nothing more to do#i wouldn’t really mind#i think i might be doing way worse than i have ever before because i cant stop or ignore things anymore#like i cant stop myself from saying it i cant bottle it up like before#i mean. i didnt even mean to admit to it but i fucking slipped up and said it earlier todsy#and suddenly the words ‘im doing bad’ slipped out of my mouth. which is crazy because i would never admit to anything like that.#its so scary to think about that im doing bad because that means im doing bad#wdym i would just give up wdym wdym wdym im. like thats not me its not me. its not me its not me thats not me#i feel like theres two uh idk brains inside me and the one that wants to live is being completely overstepped by the other one#i have so many feelings all the time and i still do but its also like. i dont care. like theyre somehwat muted or number now#and i dont think thats a good thing#also i feel horrible for admitting im doing bad because i know myself and i would never do that so im not me i cant be because me woulndt#and i feel bad that that worries people because as much as i feel like dying i wont do that and i know it sounds like i will but i wont#but i feel bad about making people worry#so pls dont worry because i Am doing fine. well. enough to live but like#i sound mentally ill
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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i think itis funny in the past when i would list my interests as if i post abt them i donot post abt the shit im into rly Mainly bc im not rly Into Into anything anymore i occasionally watch or read or play something but i dont do fandom stuff rly much.... just sometimes i get brainworms
#do i still list my interests somewhere i dont knowwww#i just stopped rly being into fandom a few years ago combination depression antipathy + bad experiences in fandom spaces#but idk. me listing my interests didnt rly accomplish anything for anyone bc it was just like anddd just so you know i was crazy abt this#video game for a rly long time it probably wont ever come up again but it might maybe one day. yk. ig its just sharing info Which is one#supposes the point of all of this but idk#its not that im cagey abt my interests except that one which i cant talk abt publically bc its a triple a game and im embarassed abt it. no#anything bad im just embarrassed . its not anything any of my oomfies have ever posted abt either so its just for me. and lamp . and when#the third game comes out i might post very very very vaguely abt it ......... possibly.#but ya its like. idk i think you guys have to find out abt my plague tale obsession on your own through lived experience. aka just me seein#like the word king and randomly collapsing to the floor and going KING HUGO 😭😭😭😭😭 oh god hugo guys oh god . please play plague tale#i wish i had finished that tw thing i started making but then i got too focused on the color palette and making it look nice and i stopped.#umm tw child death animal death The plague some gorey stuff theres some cult things in the second game ummm. yeah ..... its rly special to#me tho i love those games PLAY PLAGUE TALE!!! and if u need more indepth tws ill give them to you even if i have to replay both games to#refresh my memory... lamp wont play plaguetale with me (not their speed) so im all alone </3 but i miss it i might replay soon... i wish i#was in like discord servers so i could play it on call w ppl or something <- is in discord servers but is shy and Also i feel like playing#game on call is like a level like 2 friendship thing and i cant even do level 1 friendship things like i feel i need to at least be talking#regularly in a server b4 i like try to do Calls in the server esp for plague tale bc its like a 1p game so wed need a rapport to like have#shit to talk abt and etc ..... i could just infodump abt the game but again i feel doing that to like strangers/oomfies would b weird. ik i#come on here and talk abt whatever i want but its like you guys dont Have to read this and its not like a server where Yeah im not talking#to one person but im still like Oh well ive sent a message and its in the channel and everybody just has to look at it and whatever.#but on here i post i nobody cares and it just gets pushed down and its Fine bc its not like anybody has to feel obliged to respond#which is fine. you know.. i just hate being like a nuisance i hate . idk how to phrase. imposing myself on others ig.. which is dumb bc the#i turn around and whine abt how i have no friends and its like Maybe that is bc you donot talk to anyone bc yr scared they will be annoyed#with you and you dont leave the house and have no interests to bond with ppl and etc. but basically the difference is ive written all this#and you guys can just not read it or you can just read it and ignore it and its different. even tho i am like addressing you and i do have#like. weird parasocial thing with My followers or whatever where i talk directly to you YES YOU! reading this. IDKK im rambling so much i#dont know what im talking abt anymore. i proooooobably need to go to sleep im hungry tho but im not but i am. but i think my sleep is getti#off schedule again i had trouble sleeping yesterday too... ugh
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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JUST REMEMBERED THE FIRST TIME I EVER GOT DUMPED. CRYING…
#i was actually crying at the time but in retrospect possibly one of the funniest things thats ever happened to me#they were breaking up with me and i started crying and they were like (judgementally) are you CRYING?#i was like yes??? youre breaking up with me?#like i wasnt devastated or anything it did not feel like the end of the world but i was getting dumped and i was upset abt it so i was#crying. i thought this was very normal of me but apparently they did not agree#and then a few days later i was like hey are you doing ok. like i know were not together anymore but you were having a hard time and im#worried about you. and instead of being like ‘yeah im fine thanks for asking’ or ‘i dont think i can do just friends sorry’ they just#blocked me on everything and i never heard from them ever again <3#WAIT AND THEY DIDNT EVEN DUMP ME PROPERLY. THEY SAID WE SHOULD TAKE A BREAK#pretty funny tbh#mine
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I'll be fine as long as I never have a moment alone to think about anything
#my posts#if im doing something or thinking about doing something or talking to someone or listening to something#im okay. i just need something to focus on#but when i have nothing and no one to focus on immediately i think about my life#and i dont think about the plenty of good things in my life. i think about the problems that i cant set down#im not over anything that happened to me so i just think about it over and over again#and i cry about it all the time and im so tired but im too upset to sleep#so i just do things read things watch things. i learn what i can about whatever i can#anything that isnt on memory lane#i realized since dating this nb that this is what i use social media for#something easy so i dont have to think. thinking too long is the enemy#it always leads me to the same place and *evanescence voice* im so tired of being heeeeeeeeeeere#and i use nb for this too like when they're around i just think about them and i talk to them#its much easier to Do Nothing with nb around because their presence is inherently distracting#but i cant just do nothing All The Time even when im with them so eventually i turn back to social media#which really bothers them and its something we talk about a lot#and i havent explained any of this to them bc im still working it out myself#if my mind doesnt wander i will be fine. so whenever its time for bed and no one else is here with me i am not fine#i spend hours spiraling and i cant get out of it#i used to smoke weed about it and i remember only spiraling sometimes but not Every Night#i dont know what to do anymore like how do i get over myself#how do i do it without help
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wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it
#personal#i just want to make things so bad#it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it#i started so late and its still so hard. i got months without doing anything bc im just exhausted from daily life#if i spend more time with my girlfriends i feel like im closer to them but then i have no time for art#if im making something im spending less time with them#and i like my job so much. i really do. i even considered just saying fuck it and going into library sciences#but i still come home barely able or willing to talk sometimes. and i dont know how to fix that#and i feel so unfulfilled and extremely lonely even tho i have friends#but i can barely get myself to draw or write even when i have so many ideas#i feel so uncomfortable in my body and so tired of trying with therapists and doctors#all of it makes me so anxious i feel sick#so Frustrated i feel dizzy. and then i still cant do anything!!!!#i dont want to live here anymore i just want to be with everyone else. but everyone is moving away or planning to. us included#but no one in the same place. it makes me so sad#i dont know what to do or how to do it when i dont have motivation to do the bare minimum#maybe i just like torturing myself by thinking i can do the things i want instead of aceepting i cant. :/ cringes#for anyone that has somehow read this far ill be ok in like 20 minutes im just having a moment dw. im fine. will handle it like an adult#and not spend to much time thinking about this
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#tfw ur life has been so busy that u forgot that with a new school u have a new email to keep track of#and u forgot to hook it up to ur outlook so now u open it up and see emails from abt a month ago#telling u to do TA orientation stuff. uuuuuh oops#so i guess i have some bullshit to figure out tomorrow. also i should finalize my class sign up staff#stuff* bc when i was doing yhat my brain was on fire. also i should email my new boss. oh god. why didnt i check that email????#i dont even kno if im supposed to b a TA this semester??? i should just email the guy but also i dont wanna roll up like yo#im already damaged goods bc ive suffered a whole year in a state of burnout. also i fucked up my sign up process by not paying attention#but uh hi hello nice to meed u again for the 2nd time in my life. this is definitely not a bad omen for things to come#ugh. why have i done this to myself? i cant even call to try to fix anything until Monday. fuck.#but i mean. i cant b thr only one who's ever done this. so maybe itll b fine? hopefully?#but i wouldn't have this problem if id just fucking looked at my fucking email in the 1st place#i can already feel it. this is where the overlap starts. the overlap between my old lab and my new lab#will it tear me into pieces? perhaps. i have to shift into go mode. i cant b a sad sack anymore#ugh. im usually really good at being on top of stuff like this bc im such an anxious freak but here we r...#unrelated
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my art will never be good enough !
#vent#im so hypocritical#i give advice on how to not feel terrible about ones own art and then i want to burn all my traditional art and delete all my art files#i cant even follow my own advice. ive wanted to burn and delete my art for several years now and i am very close to doing it#its so hard to not compare myself to others. its so hard to not think that what I make isn't good enough. everyone else can make so#much more beloved art. and they all know that ill never amount to anything no matter how much time ans effort i put jnto an art#it will never be good enough. I will never be good enough.#since I cant stop why dont I just post art then bounce and not scroll afterwards? ive done that multiple times now#but it feels very isolating and lonely. So I can deactivate and leave social media for good so I stop always comparing numbers#but it bleeds into real life. i actually felt this terrible about my art before creating any social media and posting my art in 2020.#i just know that nowhere am i good enough.#I hate that i think these things and am acting like this. I need to quit and discard everything giving up would benefit everyone#in fact why dont i go commit sewercide and officially rid myself since i cant think anything without wanting to commit over it lol#everyone says take a break but i will just come back feeling fine then it will quickly evolve into feeling this exact same way again.#'take a break' I might as well fucking quit for good like I want#making art makes me happy and helps keep me going. but at this point im not happy doing art anymore so I have nothing keeping me from#giving up on being alive anymnore
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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Is it so much to ask to have someone to get high with and hold hands while dancing to Frank Sinatra?
#like i love spending this time with myself#i love my alone time#but sometimes i imagine sharing it with someone and being at peace#of just existing with someone else and living#because yah we have to live#but we dont have to be alone#and i imagine choosing this unreal person over the soft and pleasent loneliness#i dont think that exists for people like me tbh#and not for like cringey middle school reasons#i just dont kno if i can feel those things anymore#i kno i did at one point#but i lost it somewhere along the way#and i dont really feel anything let alone for others Like That#i dont think there is someone who could make sense of me enough to tolerate it all#i just want to feel a connection to people#i really dont think i can do that tho#sorry the frank sinatra is getting to me whooo boy#yah its fine im just broken fr#its teehee tho#its slay#bi.f.shit#frank sinatra#bi.f.high#yearning#high thoughts
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YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...
TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!
esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️
#snap chats#LISTEN i think we all just have to accept at this point any time there's a story about a doting father or fts a doting father#i will cry like its unavoidable. so whether my life's falling apart that week or everything's fine#There Will Be No Difference In How Much I Cry ☠️☠️ im just built terribly what can i say it makes for GREAT inspo tho#tonbi WAS real cute tho and i did enjoy it a lot Because yasu did remind me of my dad a lot#very lucky to say my dad's never slapped me or thrown water in my face tho so LMAO BUT FOR THE MOST PART Yeah...#in a way it weirdly felt like watching an AU of my life. if i may sound insane. listen i already said the kid's name had me twisted LISTEN#fr tho cause ive always wondered what my life wouldve been like if i was able to be raised by my dad instead#im gonna make myself start crying if i get too deep into it LMAO NEEDLESS TO SAY i really enjoyed the movie :)#EVIL that they really did let us see akira get married and now yasu gotta give a speech and If He IS Anything Like My Dad#i know damn well he was winging it and didn't prep a script and I Will Start Crying if i think back to my sis's wedding#STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON#said i wasnt gonna talk bout the movie/my dad anymore lest i make myself UPSET yet here i am... always saying more when i shouldnt ☠️#but yeah... i have ONE (1) more comm this week Lest Someone Wants To Snipe A Spot IDK#SO im gon do that :]#and im kinda tired rn... but the uncertainty of how much time i have nowadays urges me to work on it a bit#i dont THINK it should take super long but it IS a full-rendered piece so.... it will take time needless to say#n e way not to sound insane but nakai is An Endearing Chap. is the most sane way i can put it#i mentioned it durin a stream but somethin bout him just naturally exudes cute... idk... im delirious probably ANYWAY BYE FR NOW#CANNOT WAIT for next week to be harassed 🥰🥰
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I know my dads fucking great and all cause he raised me and my sister by himself for over a decade cause mom was a crack head and left, but now that we all are moving out on our own soon he's just like really selfish and clingy. My sisters noticed it too and i get that he's lonely but like I'm not going to fucking baby him forever and be his only fucking source of companionship he needs to find someone else to bother. Like I'm trying so hard to not fucking snap at him I just want him to leave me alone and I know I'm supposed to care and be happy and be nice cause we are all about to live alone most likely in different fucking states so we wont see each other again aside from holidays. But like the time we are supposed to be enjoying he's just weird. He's weird and, as my sister would say " It's triggering me". Like it just fucking sets me off. He's different IDK. I know he's high ever since weed got legalized he's been smoking all the time and I fucking hate him when he's high he's pathetic and annoying as shit. And like yea that's a really fucking mean thing to say but I AM HIS MAIN FUCKING SOCIAL SUPPORT. He comes to me with EVERYTHING. He always sounds so fucking miserable and its only ME that he vents too like that he doesn't vent like that to my sister. And if I say I don't want to he gets fucking pouty? like a fucking child? So I shut down and stare at the wall and let him say whatever nothing it is that he's saying then I leave early cause I'm holding back fucking screaming at him like I don't care shut the fuck up . I can BARELY GET OUT OF FUCKING BED MOST DAYS. FUCK YOU. LEAVE ME ALONE IM DYING I CANT HOLD YOUR BAGGAGE TOO. YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY THEN STOP USING ME AS YOUR FUCKING LIFE PRESERVER IM DROWNING.
FUCK OFF.
#The more i remeber my dad did everything “ For his kids” The more i realize it was for “ HIS” kids. ya know?#I wonder if he just liked the idea of kids#i dont want to live here anymore it sucks#He just feels so selfish these days. He only talks about himself and theres no room to say anything#Leggit i can stand there and look like im about to shoot myself in the head#and he just doesn't stop talking#but he NOTICES.#he KNOWS i dont care he FUCKING SEES IT#I hate that even more#like he doesn't value what I want to do with my time at all#I've heard the same shit for 5 fucking years he just repeats himself im fucking tired of it#I was always pretending to listen cause i didn't really care all that much but not its getting to the point im just so fucking angry man.#He took off an extra day each week to “Help me with moving”#He gets high all day and does nothing and when i go to him hes like “ oh yea i forgot” or “ oh i did things for me today”#Don't fucking act like your taking off for me if it's just an extra day for you cause your tired#If your tired thats fucking fine but how fucking DARE you use me as the reason why your taking off.#Your just getting high you fucking addict#and i leggit spend all monday WAITING for his ass cause im like " well he said im basicly owned by him for this whole fucking day so i have#“To literally be at his beckon call all day otherwise he will be like ” but I said Mondays are for uss :////“ Fuck you fuck you fuck you fu#Now i only have one day where i get time alone and im so fucking angry i NEED time alone like i loose my MIND if i dont#Im going to fucking kill someone i stg#“Mondays are for us” Yea bitch and where on the contract did i sign? Like i had no say in this I NEVER do i just sit there and take it#you would never really listen anyway#god this is where i got it from#i got it from him#and mother#Am i evil?#having a really fucking bad day i guess man like shit#im gona play videogames about it felt nice to vent tho omg
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im startin to think i might actually kill myself
#cw sui thoughts#100% of the time when i say im gonna kms i am jokin but it is also a genuine outlet for me like ik youre not supposed to joke or smn but#even when i didnt joke about it i thought about it multiple times a week#but for the past few years i have thought about it so much and life has gotten so much worse sometimes i feel like im joking on it#and just sayin it alleviates it a bit. like the pressure of it. i wanna die so bad but i cant just Say that#but this month. i have seen the end of my life for years but i think i am finally reachin the end#ive missed every opportunity to turn out of this dead end and i think there are none left#i think im outta options. ive been tryin to be positive but i just dont think i can do this for another year. im pretty sure my life is ove#i cant do this. i cant pull myself through this anymore. the support i do have isnt enough and im going to die and theyre going to be sad#and its going to be my fault. everything has always been my fault my whole life has always been all my fault and even after i die#everything will be my fault. im a terrible child a terrible student a terrible citizen and a terrible friend and im a terrible person#and i dont want to be. but i dont have any energy. i dont have the energy to be anything anymore and all i can be is a terrible#terrible disappointment. ive been a livin achin wound for my whole life and now im goin to infect everyone i love with it.#i wish i didnt have to die. i wish id simply never had the nerve to exist at all. i wish i could take back every single breath.#idk how much time ill be able to squeeze outta myself but i have to stretch it 6 months. if i can just stretch it 6 months maybe i can#idk. at least hang out with someone one last time.#i cant forgive myself. no one will be able to forgive me and i dont and wont ever deserve forgiveness.#acceptance weighs heavy on my heart. i will not be forgiven by anyone. i am going to leave and i am going to tear down everyone i care abou#and i can not be forgiven for it ever#i am going to die#im sure ill be fine. i think im lyin but it hurts less if i think that this is just a dark time for me#just temporary and one day itll ease up enough that ill have enough energy to take a step into a nicer life and hold on when the next bad#thing happens#its just temporary its just temporary its just temporary#it HAS to be temporary. everyone always promises its temporary. it has to be temporary.
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