#i kno i did at one point
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Is it so much to ask to have someone to get high with and hold hands while dancing to Frank Sinatra?
#like i love spending this time with myself#i love my alone time#but sometimes i imagine sharing it with someone and being at peace#of just existing with someone else and living#because yah we have to live#but we dont have to be alone#and i imagine choosing this unreal person over the soft and pleasent loneliness#i dont think that exists for people like me tbh#and not for like cringey middle school reasons#i just dont kno if i can feel those things anymore#i kno i did at one point#but i lost it somewhere along the way#and i dont really feel anything let alone for others Like That#i dont think there is someone who could make sense of me enough to tolerate it all#i just want to feel a connection to people#i really dont think i can do that tho#sorry the frank sinatra is getting to me whooo boy#yah its fine im just broken fr#its teehee tho#its slay#bi.f.shit#frank sinatra#bi.f.high#yearning#high thoughts
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Initial drawings of that old man… I literally, I haven’t finished reading the book of bill yet!!! I had to stop and take a break for a week to feverishly draw fanart of myself petting fords floofy hair and giving him attention and shit…!!!! The urge was too great….!! I’ve literally. I had a crush on this guy the instant he was first REVEALED in the show, but I did not have the artistic prowess to draw good looking old men back then… but I do now… thank god… thank fucking god
#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#self ship#self insert#si x canon#it me#doodles#I got a haircut! so my hair looks different now.. as haircuts tend to do lol#anyway… yeah… I LOVE HIM… GRAHHFJH#the confirmation that he rlly is just sad and lonely and insecure and craving attention and validation#OHH FORD BBY.. WE R THE SAME#like… ghghg i loved him already just w his prickly nerdy outer shell but knowing more about the vulnerable center is GREAT. ITS AWESOME#also hes a smart nerdy guy who can do science and expirements and shit which is ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS FOR A CHARACTER TO DO#u kno im all about scientists….#I couldn’t draw ship art back then 1 cuz I didn’t kno how to draw old men and 2 cuz I was like 13 lol… which would have been wierd#but I’m an ADULT NOW. GET OVER HERE FORD#also it didn’t even rlly cross my mind TO draw that stuff cuz even tho I did love ford#self ship and x reader sorta stuff was not NEARLY as popular back then.. like I specifically remember it like. booming in popularity#at some point. but being pretty rare before that. anyway. thank u passage of time and trends and new gravity falls book for introducing#me back to fictional man I love. so I can now draw myself smooching him and shit#hell yeah.#13 is probably not actually correct I do not remember exactly which year fords reveal was in…#but I was probably older then 13.. but still#the point remains lol.#also omg. the bit in the book w the goth moth. ‘ur probably into this sorta thing right?’#I AM INTO THAT SORTA THING FORD. thank u book of bill for being written specifically @ me. the immersion it’s great.#like ur so right ford I AM edgy and goth how’d u guess that tee hee. eyelash flutter#aLSO PLS IGNORE MY FINGER BEING IN FRAME IN THE LAST PIC. I was drawing in a tiny bound sketchbook#so I had to hold the paper down to keep it flat. and. I didn’t feel like censoring my fucking. pinkie finger out of the image
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I've seen people talk about how Venom continued playing Big Boss even after the Truth because he had nowhere else to go, or because he's just so loyal to Snake he didn't even consider leaving, but really, I think it was because staying in the position of power let him make a change he wanted to see in the world, outside of what BB wanted of him.
The actual Big Boss never cared about global nuclear disarmament, but mg2 clearly tells us that it did happen, and even with bits of Phantom Pain missing, the cut content makes it pretty obvious that V was the one behind it. It's easy to assume Venom spent many years being a puppet that followed orders it didn't have any interest in, but I like thinking that he got to do something that he truly cared about in the end.
#mgs#metal gear solid#I'll have my Venom The Boss and disarmament essay finished at some point I hope. there's some good stuff in there#I like giving him a little autonomy. as a treat.#do you ever think about how he was the catalyst for the disarmament and then had to pretend he was the one behind the new metal gear#and had to die for it from the hands of a person who wanted the same thing.#just like someone else that I kno-#honestly I did not think about that parallel like that until now but I kind of see it.#hiding the truth and dying for the sake of someone else's mission. I think he and Joy would've liked each other.#faksyan talks#faksyan talks mgs
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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#its seems we really may be at the end of vanity#i missed a call from my dad and thought we might be in a connors birthday situation but no. not yet#he did say that it feels like this is it bc my mom's situation is complicated bc she has so much wrong at this point#its like a h0use md episode. the doctors dont seem to kno what to do and shes not very coherent#so my dad was saying that i should look at flights and by tonight hell let me kno if i should pull the trigger and buy a one way ticket home#it sucks. he sounds rough. i feel so bad for him. his wife of 29 years is dying#its not fair. shes only 53#i wanna be there but im stuck here across the country. i wanna go home. thats a bit frighting tho bc itll take me at least 10 hrs to travel#and i dont want her to die while im in the air but i also dont want her to suffer#i hope she gets better but if she doenst i hope its fast. there dont seem to do any good options. shes so tried and its so complicated#and if she does get better than this then what would that even mean? my sister says it doesnt feel like there will b a better anymore after#this. and bless her to the ends of the earth she reached out this morning and was giving me updates#comforting to kno im not just being dramatic. its actually just really bleak#its kinda funny tho. my sister was like meh it doesnt seem so bad and then like 10min later she was like yeah no i was wrong its sorta#horrible apprently shes been deterorating#god. if i go back home do i take clothes for a funeral? do i keep up to date with my genomics class? will i become offset from my graduate#cohort? will i get my wish to play with legos at home? all questions worth considering#well. ill deal with whatever comes. so it goes. itll b fine. i mean ill b fine#just sad ya kno?#three weeks ago she was alright and saying she could fly out to take care of me after oral surgery#now shes dying#unrelated
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...Huh. The Mage's Gambit orb is a rank 4 item from the Shadow Dragons shop? But I know I got it to legendary in my last run and I never got the Shadow Dragons shop to rank 4. I can't remember where I got that last upgrade from, though... Does the game just skip it to the second upgrade level if you permanently miss one, or does it show up in that wisp's inventory in the Crossroads even if you didn't get the shop to rank 4?
#dragon age veilguard#dav spoilers#i guess. subtle ones#i am NOT grinding the shadow dragons to rank 4 through selling valuables alsdkfj#not at this stage anyway (i. did actually end up doing that at the end of my last run just to max them out)#but at this point in the game that would take way too much grinding#anyway seriously if anyone knows where that last upgrade pops up if you lose the ability to get the shadow dragon shop to rank 4 let me kno#because i know i DID get it last time but i don't remember where from and that's going to drive me nuts now
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#for my anon mutual who said they liked hearing me talk about the pub quizzes i go to#we won by 0.5 points today#and in one of the questions we had to guess the performer of a song - and it was an obscure dora/esc contender from this year#that i only recognized bc a friend sent me the song a couple of weeks ago BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE CLASSMATES#and even then i didn't remember the name but a teammate extrapolated it from the Context Clues lol#i also won us the 3pt question because i knew m@rtin shkrell bought the only copy of that wu tang clan album in 2018#and another 2pts by knowing who played catwoman in the 60s#also did u guys kno that juraj križanić spent 5 years as a prisoner IN SIBERIA bc i sure didn't
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.
#abuse tw#its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me#despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have#influenced what they were saying i am like#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one#idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy#all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa#something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno#you KNOW what happened was right#you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da#<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed#and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here#i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point#anything is going to help#5 years of my life 5 years#ive heard what feels like fucking everything#i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin#times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat#-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable#in this sort of position
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man i wish i could draw comics i had such a good idea for a rly good character backstory one for Moss
#pidge babbles#oc: moss#ive finally given him a pre-lobotomy name!!!#it was maw :)#it's between him and orin who i think had a very contentious relationship bc i think they did have a pretty intense rivalry#but were also very much uuuuh trauma-bonded bc who else could understand them???#maw absolutely saw her as his sister and the only one who was even remotely close to him in terms of power#but he was also very cold and calculating and uuuuuh brutally honest bc he saw no point in mincing words#he was more into mincing flesh#but he and orin absolutely butted heads over methods and abilities#and maw always saw himself as Intrinsically Superior#not because he was Daddy's Favorite but because he was made to be the perfect Bhaalspawn#he didn't *think* he was better than Orin#he simply *was*#to him there was no arrogance in that statement#ANYWAY my friend gave me his old surface pro so i could try to get back into digital art#and i finally got a charger for it#and i dont think it is salvageable unfortunately#he's gonna fuck with it and see if he can get it to work#but if he can't oh well#i got it for free#im bummed but like not mad about it u kno#i have been looking into a refurbished one#and idk maybe i can save up and see if i can drop a couple hundred on one i know for sure will work#it'll also be nice to have a comparatively light and portable laptop#my old laptop is a gaming laptop and as such is Really Fucking Hefty lmao#huge pita to carry around#its also 10 years old and slow as balls#ANYWAY here is my ramble i am slowly trying to get back into being creative again but idk#shit's been whack for the last few months
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I just had the Best tattoo idea ever.... now I just need to get top surgery, have the scars heal, and then save up money to get the tattoo. simple 😃
#you kno the slightly cliche creation of adam top surgery tattoo......#I've always thought it fucked but was hesitant bc it Is a lil cliche#a creator on tiktok is doing some book cover redesigns and did one for frankenstein and used the creation of adam#so thinking abt asking an artist to do a creation of adam but w the creature and frankenstein in the retro style I like......#I think it'll fuck#and unless god has something else in store again like last time I'm getting surgery the august 10 so at some point after that....
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if i write all the wanky stuff in the tags that means i am innocent if any wank ensues thereafter right?
#I didn't think i was supposed to ACTUALLY blame Loki for Frigga's death? like it obviously wasn't his fault in any deliberate way#and Mobius is a cop trying to break Loki enough to get him to help the cops to catch another Loki (oon inceptiony)#yeah Mobius SAYS it but i don't think Mobius speaks with 100% authority and accuracy u kno?#it's a deliberate cruelty to point out that Unintended Consequences happened there and i mean... it does work doesn't it?#that is the thing that breaks through to Loki and gets him to do Mobius's bidding from then on (mostly)#because Loki can of course justify all his DELIBERATE actions to himself - because he already did that at the time he did them#but 'u killed Frigga (sort of)' is a new Bad Thing and one he has no pre-prepared excuse for#basically Loki already knows all the tumblr meta that casts him as Right About Things so Mobius is never gonna win on those items alone#but then I also think Mobius was planning to just straight-up murder TVA!Loki when he'd done his part in catching The Bad Variant#and wouldn't be shocked if there were others before him who also got Mobius'd out of existence for failing or refusing to play along#how many times has Mobius done this? is there more than 'reading files' behind how easily he can see through Loki's attempted lies?#OH THAT GOT A BIT DARK DIDNT IT OH NO#(i enjoy a bit of lokius but i do wonder about the AU where they catch Sylvie and now Mobius has a spare Loki who is of no further use)#BUT I DIGRESS#yeah i didn't think i was supposed to ACTUALLY think Frigga dying can be fairly blamed on Loki#but Mobius knows that this is something Loki can't justify and it'll eat away at him and make him question the stuff he CAN justify#loki series
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ive been renting in portland for a very long time but this time is the time that has Radicalized me past the point of being polite i guess.
#IDK what the point is of bitching abt all the new awful things places are doing to make it hard 2 rent from them#any of yall in a major metro know it !!!!#GOD did u kno el problemo es capitalisimo???????#and did u know im POWERLESS to fix it?????????#bonkers awful news on two fronts#i am trying so hard to ride the line of not being rude to the poor employees i am speaking to VS not trying to shut up about Evil#HIT AND MISS ON THAT FRONT#but#2 me#working FOR one of these companies at all is like. not super ethical actually#so whatever maybe get a different better job if you dont want me to get pissed about ur evil company!!!!
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why are you leaving us?
short answer is so that td takes can die once and for all
long answer is that td takes doesn't really need to exist anymore since real td takes fills that niche and its better that way since td takes has a long history of bullshit that real td takes has managed to avoid (shout out to mod courtney absolute legend). its pretty rare for me to get asks on here these days and when i do it's usually about tti, which is like almost entirely what this blog is for these days anyway. even if i were to pass the url again, td takes 4 would just be another dead blog made only for the sake of continuing the name
#i am fully aware that one of the reasons i dont get many asks is because i often take a while to answer em#but even if i did#what's the point of two takes blogs really#when one is just there to keep a bit going#u kno#ask
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sometimes i wonder what the bionicle animators on youtube r doing now.
#PLSSSS DID ANYONE ELSE WATCH BIONICLE ANIMATIONS ON YOUTUBE-#god there was honestly so much cool shit#vaguely remember this one account where they're dude was like. a werewolf beast kind of deal#and i was so obsessed w him.(because u kno. werewolves <3)#V MCH REMEMBER A RLY COOL STOPMOTION TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE THEY DID-#i think at some point tho they deleted all their bionicle videos after some- discourse/drama or something#and i rly miss it d:((( sad I can't find any of the old videos.#remember all the cool oc videos where it was just: cool shots of their build set 2 music#in cool poses n lil short stop motion bits-#I MISS THAT STUFF....i wonder if the community still does stuff or not.#Cade.Txts
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#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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