#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bloodbankzz · 7 months ago

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it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.

#abuse tw #its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me #despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have #influenced what they were saying i am like #deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one #idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy #all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa #something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno #you KNOW what happened was right #you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da #<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed #and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here #i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point #anything is going to help #5 years of my life 5 years #ive heard what feels like fucking everything #i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin #times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat #-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable #in this sort of position

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