#STILL MAD THAT THE ONE TIME I HAD TO PISS WAS RIGHT BEFORE HIS SPEECH BUT WHATEVER MOVING ON

[todayisafridaynight]

YEAH NO TONBI GOT HANDS.......... my timing on suggesting it may be Questionable but I AM very glad it holds up as a movie :] hopefully the interview and We Make Antiques are fun diversions! But also take it easy <3 can confirm Nakai is Pretty Moe in both though <3 And I WILL harass you about Masato's VA next week...

TBF YOU SUGGESTED IT A WEEK OR SO AGO twas on me for taking a while to get to it... nevertheless i did really enjoy it thank you..... AND YAYA IM SO STOKED TO WATCH THE FULL INTERVIEW AND WMA2 THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN ☆*: .｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆!!!!!

esp cant wait to hear about masato's VA in the future.. 👁️👁️

[deathsbestgirl]

for the least favorite eps: Arcadia, PVB

okay let's go!!!

arcadia.

i watched this one last night and i felt like i had nothing to say. generally speaking, i think a few others have talked about it better than i can lol and they've kind of covered why i love it! and for me, i really have to step back from the general fandom view of it. this is one i have to look at the broader context of season six. if you just watch arcadia, i don't think it hits right at all. (also i think i need to dig into other episodes it reminds me of, but that might be a later separate post. we'll see. usually the connections i find make me love an episode more.)

season six is at one time one of the most msr seasons but also so tense. in the end, diana fowley shows up and it twists scully inside. this woman she knew nothing about, who was there when mulder found the x files & worked on them with him, who's been with him in the way she never has, and she shares mulder's beliefs. right into fight the future, where she may be absent but shes heavily impacting scully. to the point she's ready to walk away, believing mulder doesn't need her & she's only held him back. he gives her this whole speech, telling her how important she is to him, she saved him, made him a whole person. they almost kiss, before everything shatters & she nearly dies. but she's drawn back in. in the beginning, mulder's mad that that she couldn't hand over proof to the fbi, that she won't believe and she clings to what he told her in his hallway.

season six is very tropey, but most of it is also erased, they don't remember the events of dreamland or monday, triangle is a dream/the past. arcadia specifically, is taking a trope fandom usually makes fun or to bring two characters together, and uses it more like mulder & scully are working out some issues.

as kae says, mulder is peak annoying. almost insufferable. but it's these moments that tell us a lot. mulder says at the beginning that 'this isn't an x file.' he's not thrilled with the assignment, he's excited to get back to their work. scully disagrees, tells him 'it's unexplained,' and teases him. but it's tense. i think at other times it would have just been. funny. but he's making marriage jokes, 'not taking the case seriously,' and taking jabs at scully about 'fitting in here' — which is actually misunderstanding what it is that she really wants.

scully was also excited to get back to their work. she was just as bored without the x files, especially with the work they were forced to do. and maybe she did want to 'play house' but i think mulder ruined any fun she was having and her walls went up. so she started being annoying too lol

i love that this episode is tense, a little angsty. but their work partnership is still intact, even if a little strained. they go about their investigation in a fairly typical way, although mulder just tries to piss off the neighbors thinking this is simply human for most of it. i honestly love the way he tries to shake up the neighborhood. it's similar to mr. kline and is ultimately what got him & his wife killed. so he's on the right track (what a surprise). (and even when scully's right that it's an x file, i don't think she's right about anything else lol so classic.)

i always really liked @randomfoggytiger 's mulder analysis & this post lol, and i love the way kae connected the theme of this episode to a common theme running through the show.

i think fandom tends to view this through an msr lens, and not that isn't but it isn't the very in love & together phase of season seven episodes. it's them figuring out how to get there. not understanding what the other thinks or wants, what a relationship between them would like, or what it would mean for their work.

now for some scene specifics that i LOVE.

i love the way mulder reflects the man murdered in the beginning. mr. klein? is so fed up with the ccnrs & the uniformity. he's annoyed by win painting his mailbox. he's excited to get that weird lawn ornament. his wife is very accepting of his bothers, though she doesn't seem to care personally. it's just. it's very reflective of m+s through this episode.

and THIS moment. the way scully puts her hands up to be like 'okay enough, back off.' it's so funny. like. mulder & scully are affectionate. but it's mostly gazing, lower back / arm touches, hand holding...hugging is rare, it's reserved for deeply emotional & vulnerable moments. not just because. but here they have to. and i think that's uncomfortable for them even as they're soaking it up.

then after they're all moved in, as soon as they're alone:

this part says to me they were excited (personally) for this case, at the very beginning they're having a great time. i think scully is even amused by his "honeymoon" tape joke & his (bad) sandwich joke, i love when she throws the gloves at him lol

it's also just funny to me to see how they play these roles. like they just aren't good at it, they're not very subtle. but these people don't know them so it works. the neighbors are overly friendly and overly concerned, and mulder & scully are trying to find out why but they're not the easiest group to crack. despite the intense fear & worry cami clearly feels.

i also think this episode sets mulder up as a house husband, which is soooo fitting. i actually think this is closer to what he talks about in home than he's willing to think about. it's got a small town feel, close knit community, safety. it's just ... extremely suburban with too many rules. and he likes breaking rules atp more than following them. and this time, it actually is his job to break them. this was a perfect case for mulder, with or without the monster angle.

i think i've said this before in other season six talk, but from the moment i saw someone talk about how m+s don't have a blueprint for their relationship, it's the lens i see season six through completely. they start trying to communicate more clearly, not well but they're getting closer. here they're in a very particular limbo (especially after two fathers/one son), where neither of them can deny their feelings (but scully's are "the problem"), and their trust & partnership has been tested. agua mala was about reaffirming their trust & partnership and some off the clock bonding. arcadia is their first on the clock test, which undercover as a married couple is probably also kind of a nightmare for them given their circumstances lol

BUT GENUINELY they were both enjoying it at the beginning, and they have different moments throughout where one is and the other isn't.

one particular thing i love is the way scully puts up boundaries. because i think after a few jokes, and mulder telling her she fits in perfectly...she feels she has to. mulder isn't ready and he doesn't understand, it makes her retreat.

like after mulder sees the monster...scully asks him if he cares to hear what she thinks. he pauses, looking at her, before he tells her "always." they really getting back into step with each other but after hurt & confusion, all the tension...it takes time. they need to hit certain beats to get there and i think this episode does that very well. the moment when mulder thinks scully's been attacked by the creature, that he's about to find her eviscerated. it before that when he's searching the hole they dug, and she comes out speaking quietly & gently, telling him to come in and "call it a night." this is so domestic and partnerly it kinda kills me. he really does always listen. scully is the only person who can pull him back, keep him grounded. and she always give him the space to explore his theories and she investigates them seriously.

the way mulder is terrified when he sees the door and walks into the house. it's every time he's almost lost her flashing before his eyes again, not that long after tithonus. after he could have died in agua mala, before they even patched things up. to me, agua mala, arcadia & alpha build up to milagro, open the door for the unnatural & field trip. it's the perfect set up for biogenesis, the sixth extinction and amor fati. the final hurdle mulder needed. all of these things slowly build scully's confidence back up so that she's ready too. even though she still won't make the first move.

[lonelychicago]

buck/eddie | drabble | idk how many words i just wrote this and then here we are.

eddie's been agonizing about telling buck how he feels for weeks, he's been making this speech in his mind and changing it a thousand times. and it's not that he's scared or he's nervous (although he is a bit) bc he knows buck feels the same... he is 90% sure.

okay! fine! maybe 85% sure, whatever.

but! eddie is pretty sure it's mutual. it's just that there's a lot on the line, the risk is so high and everything needs to be perfect.

buck deserves perfect.

so anyway, the point it's been almost a month and he's had so many opportunities but somehow he always chickens out at the last second. the words stay lodged in his throat.

until one night he just blurts it out— they're in the kitchen, because of course they are, their most important moments always seem to happen there nowadays. and buck looks so beautiful, so... out of a dream, straight out of eddie's most secret fantasies. and buck turns around and he smiles at eddie, that lopsided kind of smirk that makes him feel things. what was he supposed to do?

the words come out before he can fully think about what he's doing. one minute they're just best friends, hanging out in the kitchen... and the next, eddie changes them forever.

he says the words and something shifts, something changes and he knows deep down there's not turning back.

they can go from there, right?

but then— buck doesn't react like he thought he would. and listen, in a perfect world buck would feel the same and he would beam at eddie and then he would lean in to kiss him. and yet, eddie would've still accepted buck letting him down gently. it would've hurt, but eddie could've take it.

none of those things happen, though. no.

instead, buck frowns at him and he takes a step back like eddie just physically slapped him in the face.

"what the hell, man?"

and then buck—

buck leaves. he walks away and eddie can only stand there in the middle of his kitchen with a million of questions haunting him and his heart broken to pieces on the floor.

in the thousands of scenarios he pictured in his head of how this would go, it never even crossed his mind that buck would react like this.

he never thought buck would leave him.

and you know what? fuck this, eddie won't let him do this.

-

by the time he arrives to buck's loft, the jeep is already parked and the man is nowhere in sight.

eddie spent the whole way here working himself up, thinking what he'll say to buck and now he's just so—angry.

and hurt, and sad and a lot of other emotions he doesn't want to unpack right now. so, we're going with angry.

when buck opens the door to his apartment, eddie charges in.

"what the fuck, buck? you can't just leave like that! and not when—"

"not when what, eddie?" buck slams the door closed and turns to him, matching his anger.

his blue eyes are dark, red and puffy around the edges like he's been crying, his hair looks disheveled like he's passed his fingers through it a thousand times and his cheeks are flushed a slight red. his jaw is locked and his shoulders are so tense, his posture is stiff...

buck is pissed.

and eddie doesn't get it.

"what the fuck? why are you mad at me?"

"because!" buck yells. "because you were mean and honestly eddie? it was unnecessary and i never thought—"

"you think my feelings for you are unnecessary?

"stop saying you have feelings for me!"

"but i do! what do you want me to say, buck? i do! i'm so in love with you it hurts, i'm so in love with you that it's a little pathetic sometimes." eddie groans, rubbings his hands over his face and then facing buck head on once again.

the blonde now looks more shocked than anything and he's blanking rapidly. "w-what? no, y-you're lying."

"why would i lie?"

"because it's april's fools and if you're playing some kind of cruel prank on me, i swear to god, eddie—"

horror dawns on him and eddie hates himself a little for not realizing it.

"buck—" he sighs.

"it's come too far, okay, man? ha ha i get it, now just—"

"i'm not pranking you!" eddie cuts him off, stepping closer and closer until their noses almost touch and their breath mix in the small space between them. "i'm not pranking you, okay? this is real. i'm sorry my timing made you think i was pranking you, but i'm not." eddie cups buck's cheek, his thumb ghosting softly over his birthmark above his eye. "i'm not, buck. please."

"you love me?"

"i do."

and then buck it's kissing him, hard and demanding but it quickly turns soft, and careful. exploring.

eddie makes a soft noise at the back of his throat and returns the kiss.

finally.

[laalaaliaa]

Hey!!

Can I pls rq a batfam x batsis were she gets her phone taken away so she logs onto her ao3 account on the TV when she thought nobody was home

Just some hc abt how they'd react (and maybe some Damian too, pls)

Ao3

just some hc’s about how they react

batfam x batsis!reader

proofread?: no

thanks for the request, i meant to get to the others, but i fell asleep, enjoy <3

So you got in trouble, whether it be in school, on patrol, or in general, so Bruce takes away your phone for the first time ever

At first you’re fine, you’ve suffered worse, so much so, you tell it to Bruce’s face

“I don’t need my phone, I’m doing just fine”

“Really?”

“Yup.”

Then he keeps it for the next three days, that’s when you’re really suffering

You’re moping around the house, at school, in public, practically anywhere you’re at

Until you start sucking up to Bruce like crazy, in hopes you get your phone privileges back

You’re practically sucking up to him 24/7, especially before patrol when he’s giving THAT speech

“Tim, you were sloppy last night.”

“Yeah, very sloppy.”

“Enough.”

“Alright.”

And eventually when Bruce tells you that you still can get your phone back, you’re pretty pissed, you went out of your way to agree with this man—get a load of this guy!

So now you’re here, on the couch, alone, mad and frustrated as you stare at the blank tv screen, your reflection staring right back

Nobody’s home, it’s just you, and the beautiful TV right in front of you

So you decide to do possibly one of the stupidest things you could ever do, and you grab the remote, prompting the cursor to awaken and you guide it towards the internet symbol

Bruce may have taken away your ability to practically live, but he would not take away your ability to read whatever you wanted, about whoever you wanted

You’re on the Ao3 website by the time you can properly think about what you’re doing, and you can’t help but feel giddy, glancing around to make sure nobody was around to see what you were doing

You spend minutes browsing through your bookmarked tab, until eventually you actually click on one

Now you were here, on the couch, leaning forward as much as you could to see whatever it was you were reading

Alfred

Now if Alfred were to catch you, it’d be very, very awkward

Not only would it be awkward but it’d be weird, because as much as he wants to ask, he doesn’t, instead he just stares at you, then the TV, then you

He’s behind you, you just don’t know it, so he’ll leave it like that—you never knowing he was there to witness it in the first place

Bruce

If Bruce catches you, it’s game over, not only because you’re reading whatever it is in the living room, but because you’re grounded and you know better

You’re on the couch whenever he walks in, and he assumes you’re just watching tv, but no—to his surprise you’re reading those things again

He physically shudders before he’s stood behind you in an instant, hand on your shoulder as he watches you slowly turn your head around with a smile

Let’s just say you had a long talk, a really long talk, one where you had to leave halfway through cause it got too embarrassing

And the only question on your mind is—“how does he know what Ao3 is?”

Dick

When Dick catches you, it’s not awkward or embarrassing, but rather weird because instead of making you feel weird about it, he’s smiling at you, rubbing your back as he tells you he “understands”

You’re cringing on the inside, trying your best to keep your smile up as you nod absentmindedly to every word he says

He’s a sweetheart, that’s expected

But hearing him say you’re fantasies are well justified is not expected

Safe to say you’re never gonna read Ao3 in the living room again, the confrontation was too embarrassing

Barbra

She has no words, and you don’t either

You just stare at each other, unable to comprehend the fact that you’d been caught, and that she caught you reading Ao3 on the TV

It isn’t until she tells you that she wanted to hangout that you finally snap out of whatever trance you’re in

You agree, but only if she never tells anyone about what you were doing—she agrees, quicker than you thought she would

You were both awkward while hanging out until she eventually told you to get over it, and that it’s normal

Jason

He’s bursting out into laughter immediately

Full on hunched over laughing, slapping his knee, the whole gist

You’re scowling, closing out Ao3, all while this dude is STILL laughing

You’re not embarrassed anymore that you got caught, but rather annoyed that he’s full on laughing at you

You tell him not to tell anyone and he says “no promises”

He even gives you a look, a look reminding you that he caught you on Ao3 on the family tv in the living room

It’s safe to say he won’t tell anyone, but he will always, and I mean, always remind you of what you’ve done

Stephanie

When she catches you, she’s full on gasping, not out of shock, but out of happiness

She’s hopping over the couch, sitting beside you as she asks about what you’re reading, who it’s about, and much more

You’re pretty much bonding over the fact that she caught you on Ao3, and you’re not ashamed

When you ask her not to tell anyone, she’s pretty much holding pinkies with you, and it’s safe to say the two of you have a secret that you both gladly divulge in

Tim

He’s pretty shocked, he gasps out loud, dropping whatever he has in his hands, and ultimately scares you in the process

He’s pointing at you, and the tv, and going on a full rant about how awkward it is for him to catch you reading on Ao3, he even reveals he already caught Stephanie on there, making you chuckle

You’re laughing, but he’s not, he’s just collecting his things while dramatically revealing how traumatized he is by this, groaning loudly, even pretending to slip and drop his things once more for an even more dramatic effect

But then he’ll literally forget two days later and you never have to worry about whether or not he’ll tell anyone

Cassandra

She’s silent, so silent you don’t even hear her sitting beside you until you lean back, catching a glimpse of her in your peripherals

You don’t scream, no you’re just shocked, you hope she doesn’t know what it is, and you hope she doesn’t tell anyone

But you know Cassie, she’d never reveal you like that, so you go as far as giving her the remote and explaining what it all is

She’s just sitting there listening to you, remote in hand as she does nothing, so you take it from her and ask if she’s gonna tell on you

She shakes her head “no” and you’re practically hugging the girl to death

Damian

He’s judging you 100 percent, going on and on about how Bruce would be disappointed in you and your antics

Even when you’re logged off the tv, walking towards your bedroom, he’s still going off on you

Right before dinner you promise to give him your dessert if he shuts his fat mouth, and he somewhat agrees

Once dessert comes out, you don’t even gotta look at him, you’re sliding him your plate, watching him devour it with a mischievous grin

He’s definitely gonna hold that against you for the rest of your life

[weilongfu]

It’s the ✨hot springs✨ episode and the crazy doctor gang takes their boyfriends away for (what’s supposed to be a relaxing) vacation. (Can be naked or clothed hot spring rules)

"When you said you were taking us to Japan," Forth said as he reclined against the walls of the tub filled with natural hot spring water, "I was very excited. More so when you said we'd be going to a hot spring resort."

"I remember you said as much," Yo replied as he continued carefully spreading a face mask on his face from his seat near by.

"I was excited to go more for spending time with my boyfriend," Forth continued. "Would you care to explain to me why we're being forced to sit in separate sides of the bath house?"

"I want an explanation too!" Ming cried out, finally bored of paddling in laps around the deeper part of the hot spring pool. "I wanted to see P'Kit in the water! His face is probably so cutely pink right now!"

"Ai Moong Ming!" Kit yelled from the other side. "The entire resort can hear you! Shut up!"

"P'Kiiiiitttt!" Ming cried and swam up to the fence and scratched at it like a puppy separated from its owner by the bathroom door. Despite his poor mood, Forth chuckled at the absurd scene of a naked Ming pawing at the fence like an old lecherous man from one of Yo's manga. "I miss you!"

"You'll see me when we're done and going for dinner, idiot," Kit hissed. "Now go sit quietly!"

"Sorry P'Kit!" Yo called over before dragging Ming away and forcing him to sit by his station of face masks. "Your face is so dry, Ai Ming. Haven't you been using your moisturizer lately?"

"Of course I have!" Although he scoffed, Ming allowed his best friend to smear a face mask on him. "But now that you've put this on me, I can't swim around!"

"It's a hot spring," Forth said lazily as he draped a warm towel over his face. "You're not supposed to swim laps, nong."

"Do you want a mask too, P'Forth?"

"No need," Forth said with a dismissive wave. "I'll just put more moisturizer later and I don't want to worry about if I drip any into the bath."

"Ai Forth, put the damn mask on," Beam yelled from the other side. "Your face has been like sandpaper this past week!"

"I told you it's just the stubble because I haven't shaved much!" Forth called back.

Yo giggled and tapped Ming on the cheek to indicate he'd finished. "Come on, phi. If Beam is saying something, it must be bad."

Forth grumbled but made his way over. "You better appreciate this, Ai Beam!"

"No funny business!" Pha called out.

"Am I an idiot?" Forth yelled back. "Just because Yo is naked, you think I'd do something to him?"

"You shouldn't be seeing him naked in the first place!"

"You're really lucky uncle let you reserve the whole resort," Ming said from Yo's other side. "I think we'd be kicked out by now otherwise."

"About that." Yo set down the mask he applied for Forth and stepped back a bit. "I wanted to... well Pha and I wanted to tell you guys that we're very grateful for all the ways you've been good friends and supported us this year." Yo smiled brightly, still charming despite the green color of the mask on his face. "And so we hope you'll accept our little trip as our Christmas gift to all of you."

"N'Yo," Forth said as he ruffled Yo's hair carefully. "Don't be so silly. We're happy to help you and support you no matter what. Especially if Ai Pha pisses you off."

"I heard that!"

"Give your own thank you speech first!"

Yo pinched the bridge of his nose delicately as Ming gave him a careful hug from the side. "I appreciate you, Ai Yo." Ming tapped the side of his head against Yo's. "But I swear, if you separate us like this again for any other part of this trip, I'll be mad."

"This was a request from Pha, actually," Yo said while blinking. "He said if he wasn't going to be allowed to be lewd in the baths, then no one could, so we had to separate boyfriends."

"Fuck! Pha, you ruined it for everyone!" Forth yelled while scrubbing the mask off his face with a damp towel. "Why didn't you just book a place where there were multiple private baths!"

"I'm not made of money! You book it next time!"

"Your little boyfriend is one of the richest people in the country and he did the bookings! Just ask!"

[anne8510]

Part 2 to The Perfect Balance

A Little Loyalty Goes A Long Way

Rhodey knocked on the office door and steeled himself for what was bound to be a hostile conversation. He had made a few attempts to talk to Pepper after the scene in the lab with Tony and Peter but she had dodged him until today. As he opened the door he saw she was still finishing a call and waved him inside. "Yes, fine just get the contracts in order and send them over." Pepper stated clearly then hung up the phone.

"Good Morning James, it seems you have been trying to see me. I can't imagine what you want to talk to me about." Pepper said in a tight voice. "Well I think we both know things have changed significantly since the last time either of us spent a lot of time in this building. I wanted to tell you clearly face to face that what happened in the lab last week, the relationship between Peter and Tony is for real. They have my full support and I hope that you can respect Tony's wishes and requests without being petty regarding your own past involvement." Rhodey got his rehearsed speech out first, he used his crisp military voice that everyone knew he used when he was serious. He didn't want to get emotional at least not at first.

Pepper was silent then turned on a dime and looked angrily at him talking through gritted teeth "You think this fling is for real, spare me James but once again here you are doing Tony's dirty work. Must be nice to have a lap dog to do things for you." So much for not getting emotional, Rhodey thought before he started shouting "A lap dog! Wow hitting low right out of the gate. It's not me you're mad at. You're pissed that Tony is happy and that it's not with you. That's partly your fault! You left Pepper! Told him he was too much! Tony is always going to be Tony and you made him feel like shit for it. I'm glad he isn't trying to change who he is anymore for you. He is happy and I'm happy for him. Leave them alone! Focus on your own life." Rhodey always got mad quickly when he was forced to defend his best friend for just existing.

Pepper was up and passing behind her desk. She threw her hands up "I was good for Tony, he just couldn't stop playing superhero enough to see. Now this gold digging whore came in-" "No fucking way!" Rhodey interrupted "You know I'll go to hell and back for Tony but what you don't seem to know is that I will do the same for Peter. Do not tempt me Virginia. If you haven't noticed, which clearly you haven't felt the need to reach out or acknowledge that I am in fact paralyzed from 'playing superhero' myself. I would be in a wheelchair if my best friend wasn't a billionaire genius. Now when you wake up in a hospital room after free falling from the sky it is a real sobering experience. When all your other superhero friends are still fighting each other you expect to wake up alone. But I didn't wake up alone in a cold dark hospital. I woke up to a warm room with a cozy nonhospital blanket and one Peter Parker sitting next to my bed. Another thing you don't know is Tony was too busy to sit with me during those first few weeks, Ross was breathing down his neck, he still had to go after Cap and had his own injuries to deal with. He is after all Tony Stark -even had this damn business to run. But Peter is a college student who saw the whole thing go down and he made Happy take him to the hospital with me. He sat in the waiting room then my room for hours before I woke up. Also made Happy go get blankets, pillows and snacks so it wasn't so sterile when I finally came to. So just stop! I won't sit here and have you trash him! Now they are happy and good for each other! Healthy even! "

Pepper stood silent staring angrily at Rhodey, "Well isn't it just perfect that Peter is so wonderful and everyone loves him. The media will eat him alive and Tony knows it. Let's see how long he wants to be Tony Stark's dirty little secret. He won't be able to stand by his side like I did. He won't ever fit into that life and it will implode on both of them. Then perhaps if I feel like it I'll be there to pick up the pieces and show Tony where he should have been all along... with me."

"No one wants you here Pepper and Tony is finally happy. The media can shove it and you know perfectly well Tony doesn't give a shit what the media or anyone else thinks. Tony will help Peter learn to fit in and Peter is stronger than you know and he'll learn what he needs to. He already does it so much better than you ever did. So go back to California Pepper, make a life for yourself out there and stay out of Tony's!" Rhodey yelled as he turned and stomped out the office.

He walked a few steps away from her office door and rested on a wall in the hallway steadying his breathing. After a few moments, Friday broke through his thoughts "Colonel Rhodes, Boss has asked if you are done scorching the earth for him and Mr. Parker, they would like you to join them in the lab." Rhodey huffed and shook his head, of course Friday had shared what was happening with Tony, hell he wondered if they had watched it on video as it was happening. There were very few secrets when an AI runs the building.

He was definitely right, Peter and Tony had watched the whole scene thanks to Friday. Tony gently hugged Peter from behind whispering "he said he was going to talk to her to try to make her see we were real. He thought it might help." Peter nodded, he had been silent since the video stopped and Tony was starting to get nervous. "Honey... please don't let what she said ..." Tony started but was quickly stopped by Peter as he turned too quickly hugging Tony with the force to make him stumble backwards. "I don't care what she said I am floored that Rhodey would say all those things about me, I am processing that I might have someone else in my corner... our corner and I started spiraling about what we could do to help us before it goes public." Peter rambled as he buried his head in Tony's neck to calm himself. Tony chuckled, "Good good you had me on my own spiral, you are never that quiet." Peter looked up into Tony's eyes and saw some worry there still, "oh no I'm not going anywhere stop going down that road, I'll always be here right next to you no matter what anyone says about either of us. We are the only two that matter." Tony smiled widely at his boyfriend, kissed him and whispered "You are the best thing that has ever walked into my life and I am so happy to have you by my side."

Tony stepped back and clapped his hands theatrically, "Now, on to your spiral - Of course Rhodey would stand up for you just like he would for me. He may have known me longer but what you did for him in his most vulnerable time Pete, it really meant the world to him. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you but I am also beyond grateful that you decided to stay with him when you did. I don't think I even realized all the amazing things you thought of that he will always remember."

Peter shrugged, "I could never have left knowing he would wake up alone. It didn't sit right in my gut and I was still trying to impress you." Peter winked at Tony who kissed him the cheek. "I have always volunteered at May's hospitals especially when I was too young to stay home alone. I would read to patients or play cards. Play video games with the kids or help deliver flowers. I hated seeing anyone who looked lonely or scared sitting in one of those damn ugly cold rooms." Peter quietly looked at the ceiling to compose himself.

"Maybe we should do some volunteering together at one of the hospitals. I'm sure the kids would love visits from Iron Man and Spider-Man!" As soon as Tony finished the sentence Peter's eyes lit up "Really!? You wouldn't mind doing that?"

"I love doing everything with you and this is important to you. Plus it will help others and I have a superhero duty to uphold." Tony said as the doors to the lab opened and Rhodey walked in with his hands in his pockets looking a tad nervous.

"Alright so I know Friday let you in on that shit show and that definitely was not how I planned on it going. I probably added more fuel to the fire now but she pissed me off! So I'm sorry I thought I might be able to reason with her." Rhodey trailed off like he could apologize all day. When he looked up, Tony was grabbing him into a hug. "Thanks for always having my back Honeybear. Now Pete, my dearest, the light of my life is a little astonished at your loyalty and ability to scorch petty people in your path."

Peter quickly glanced at the two "No, that's not what I said Dearest, I said I knew he would stand up for you but I didn't realize he would be so intense about defending me." Just as quickly he glanced away from the two.

Before Tony could say anything, Rhodey quickly took over "Peter I told you that day in the lab you are the best thing to happen to this guy and I will always have your back. You were the only one there for me when I woke up from the worst injury of my life. It doesn't get kinder than that kid and I won't forget it. "

Peter sighed loudly and finally looked Rhodey in the eye "I didn't want you to be alone and I knew if Tony could be there he would have been but I figured I could be a good second option. Thank you for what you said to Pepper. When we go public I can't see a lot of people being on our side so I appreciate knowing you are with us now before any fall out."

Tony quickly stepped back from Rhodey to hug Peter and held him close, "It doesn't matter what happens or what anyone else thinks. I'm not losing you Honey.” Tony clapped loudly and shouted, “Case closed! We are moving on! Rhodey, how do you feel about making some kids smile and trying out your new and improved look War Machine suit that integrates with your braces!? Let's go visit some hospitals Pete! It will make you happy and I want to see you happy, not worried about the press or Pepper or anything else."

Peter smiled brightly "Yes! That would be so awesome if all three of us went together! The kids would be so excited! And you make me happy Tony!" Punctuating his thought with a quick kiss, he ran to grab his web shooters from his work table.

That night on the news and on front pages of all of the newspapers the next morning were stories about the three superheroes visiting multiple hospitals and surprising patients. Tony gave donations for programs and new facilities that Peter showed extra interest in during their visits. While Rhodey sat and talked to accident victims with similar injuries as his own.

Six months later Tony Stark held a press conference to introduce the world to his boyfriend of more than year, Peter Parker. Rhodey stood behind the two in silent support and couldn't help but laugh when Peter took the microphone and declared Tony wasn't the only superhero in the relationship and that he was Spider-Man. He then grabbed Tony and swung them both out the window before any do the press could get him to answer any questions.

Six hours after the press conference Pepper was on a plane back to California permanently. Two days after that Rhodey found himself in a jewelry store with Tony helping design a handcrafted engagement ring of red rubies and blue sapphires. Two weeks later, Peter said yes to Tony and almost exactly a year to the day Rhodey walked into Pepper's office, he stood in front of his two best friends as the officiant in their wedding.

[servenas-inner-fangirl]

Watching Black Sails 3x6

"Now we go find Charles Vane" is still killing me. I so wish we could've seen more of their relationship developing in Eleanor's absence.

I hope Mr. Scott makes it.

Man, Silver and his leg have really been through it. Noo, Madi, don't be mad at him! - God Silver, you really are an idiot sometimes.

Jesus, that looked like the whole rigging coming down for a second.

God Billy, won't you please get on board, figuratively speaking?

So if Teach doesn't agree, but Vane does, how much of that fleet will follow him?

Charles doesn't look like he's having a lot of fun on that beach.

Oh, that woman is actually an important person to Teach and knows stuff about his past, interesting. (Suddenly thinking about how both Teach and Charles have experienced some betrayal at the hands of a person dear to them.)

"Doesn't need to last long"?? Oh, hmm.

So do Teach and Flint actually know each other? Either way, Teach has gotta know that this might be the moment Vane slips his net after all.

Nooo, they threatened her children!

I guess I should see Rogers as the lesser of two evils, but I still don't like him.

God, Jack, you're so conspicouous, walking around like this in the middle of the day when probably half of Nassau is looking for you, aaah.

Idelle's tits are sooo close to spilling out of that dress... not that I'm complaining. Also I remembered her name! (I think.) - Featherstone looks ridiculous though.

Jack is soo pissed that Rogers achieved what he could not, lol.

"I don't want help." Aaaaargh, Silver! "I cannot look weak." Now I guess he knows what Flint feels like. - Madi is so wise though. Listen to her!!

Vane immediately perking up when Flint talks about his plans to reclaim Nassau is everything to me. I'm also not sure who Flint has really come to convince here - does he really want Teach to be a part of this? Or is this whole show just for Vane?

God, Flint giving military speeches is truly so hot.

So had Flint already arrived when Teach was exiled from Nassau? I really need a timeline.

Also Teach feels like a man stuck in the past while the rest of the world, with men younger and stronger than him, wants to move forward.

Yes, Flint has come to take what is his! This feels like two giants meeting to do battle.

"The decision isn't yours. It's his." Oh FUCK.

So this is Flint's angle. That shows an awful lot of trust in a man who wanted to kill him less than a season ago. But I think he's right to do so.

Flint calling him out on his oath. Vane may be a lot of things, but he's not an oathbreaker as far as we know (apart from that business with Eleanor and Teach years ago). But he made Teach a promise, too... that he would sail away when things were done. But are things really done?

Nooo, Charles, stop lying to yourself! - But I get that he was really hurt when nobody stood by him for Nassau's defense.

Ugh, this isn't fair, Flint has been to hell and back, he isn't in fighting shape!

"I read your book." Of course you did, Jack. God, I know he won't be able to talk himself out of this one, but I wish he could. And of course Jack can read, no surprise there.

Oh Jack, you're gonna talk yourself straight into a noose if you continue like this!

God, Anne is going to go crazy if he doesn't come back.

"I'm not that diminished." Hehe. But also: Liar. Ugh, and Charles is concerned... and Flint is awfully nice to him in regards to his failure during the "battle" for Nassau.

"I can't walk away from that. Can you?" OOF. Flint making this not about loyalty, but about fighting for what they (both) want, that's a thing Vane definitely understands. He's really working every angle for this one. (Also, Vane, your loyalty to Teach beginning before you even knew Flint's name is accurate, but you _did_ betray him for Eleanor. Or Nassau's future. Or both. That is very much a thing that happened.)

(Not me writing half an essay in the time it takes them to say a couple of lines...)

Also my friend, who recently only watched a couple of scenes with me, was right: The way people look (at each other, mostly) is insane. That and the dialogue makes this show so intense.

Awww, Jack, baby, you will be a famous pirate yet!!

Wait, so Anne can read? Also I'm so certain that messenger isn't about to get murdered...

Ugh, Billy, can you please stop, nobody wants to hear it.

Charles, will you PLEASE step in before someone (=Flint) gets hurt.

Okay, I did not expect that.

And the expressions on Charles' face are killing me. The internal struggle is real.

Flint going 'Dammit, guess I gotta do this the hard way'. Also when's the last time we saw Flint fight man to man? Did we ever see that?

Damn, they're both good. But an injured sword arm is really gonna be a problem.

FUCK, YES!

Charles really is a much less sophisticated sword fighter, but he makes it up with pure determination. That look on Blackbeard's face is heartbreaking though.

"Take him. And get the fuck off my beach." Daaaamn.

Vane is sad as well, though. He didn't want it to be this way.

Silver, you stubborn idiot! Let them help you! - Aww, she's taking his hand! ;_;

"The burden I wasn't prepared for, it isn't the men. It's him." Oh wow. Okay. I think I need to lie down.

"But I'm acutely aware that I'm not the first one [...] to have been a partner to him in this way." OkaaAAY? Yeah, I get why people are insane about them. - She really is offering to be his tether for him though. ;_;

Max really looks like a queen in her dress. And she's trying to cheer Jack up! But I have a feeling this won't go the way she thinks it will...

"The truth of the matter is, there's been no conquest." Oh Jack, you smart, smart man.

"You don't think I can convey a thought to Anne comprehensible only to her?" I love you, my babies. ;_;

They really sent a single man to fetch Anne Bonny, what an insult.

"I will ensure that whatever Nassau is come Christmas, English will be not it." Damn, Jack is a badass after all. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. (Also do pirates celebrate Christmas? That might make for a great fic idea.) Well played, Jack, well played.

"Their relationship is so volatile" - that is what you're concerned about? This truly is the Silver and Flint soap opera and everyone else there is the supporting cast.

I think right now there are no shortage of villains to take up at least Flint's attention.

So Mr. Scott was something like a father to Eleanor, but couldn't be a father to his own daughter, that's sad...

Oh, Rogers has no idea what's coming for him, does he?

I know we need to account for inflation, but 500 punds seems too little for Anne. And Rogers, has absolutely no clue that one of the women in this room will do absolutely everything to ensure he doesn't get his hands on his target. (This is something Eleanor didn't tell him, huh? Or is that something she doesn't know? No, that can't be...)

Nooo, Max, I was rooting for you! Hopefully this is only for show. (Also when she says "friends and more", I bet Rogers thinks of Jack and not of Anne.)

Oh no, Charles really feels bad about Teach. "Tell me I didn't do it for nothing." ;_;

Vane and Flint being partners is my new favorite thing. Also Vane already knew a portion of that gold had been sequestered away, so that helped. Now you only need to reunite with Anne!!

[thequietmanno1]

Thelreads, MHA 280, Replies Part 2

1) “OH SO THAT IS WHY THE CHAPTER NAME I SEE

WELP, GOODBYE THEN KIRISHIMA, LONGED SO MUCH FOR THE SWEET MANLY EMBRACE OF DEATH YOU JUST HAD TO STEAL THE CHAPTER, DIDN’T YA?

Well, I bet you’re gonna be fine after this, I’ve seen your unbreakable mode before, give that Machia dude a bich ouchie on his hand”-  The dirt being also still semi-liquid from Mudman’s Quirk also helped. Kirishima’s Quirk prevented him from breaking anything from the force of Machia’s blow, but he probably couldn’t have dug his way out of the earth that quickly without the aid of all that softening. (MHA ch 279) 2) “Oh no, oh the humanity~ who’s gonna save the day now?”- The only boy who will never break under the pressure.

3) “ kirishima was like “outta my way gay boi imma steal this chapter” then a moment later “i got crushed to death” “- Kirishima’s done letting himself be crushed by the weight of his own fears and doubts, let alone machia’s hand.

4) “And Machia is up again, and majorly pissed off. This does not bode well for the keikaku*”-  I find it somewhat disquieting that machia actually can call the League ‘comrades’. That shows an atypical level of self-thinking and reflection from him, that he does truly think of the PLF and the like as being equals in the same ideology, rather than devoting all his brainpower to revolving around AFO and Tomura alone. 5) “OOHHHHHH THERE HE GOES THE ROCKY BOI IS GOING UP!

HOLY SHIT KIRISHIMA’S CLAWS ARE HARD ENOUGH TO EVEN PIERCE MACHIA’S HIDE JESUS FUCK MAN

AND NOW MACHIA IS EVEN MORE PISSED OFF THAN BEFORE “- Due to a smaller surface area, the sharpness of kirishima’s claws are enough to barely pierce into Machia’s first layer of skin because they focus all of his grip strength into a single piercing point, allowing him to cut just deep enough to draw blood, but not any great level of damage that can’t be healed in a day or two. Thankfully, Kirishima doesn’t need to wound Machia, he just needs him to keep talking and leaving his big mouth wide open…

6) “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT TOGA ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME HOW DARE YOU I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW I’M GOING TO REMOVE YOU FROM MY FAVORITE CHARACTER’S LIST, YOU’RE GOING DOWN AT LEAST THREE SPOTS AFTER THAT ONE YOUNG LADY”-The league are not going to give the heroes a single Inch. If they can make a move to stop them, they will. On the other hands, if the heroes have more moves to make than they can use to stop them…. 7) “HOLY SHIT HE MANAGED TO SAVE MINA’S VIAL HELL FUCKING YEAH”- Mina thought she failed, but in actuality, despite her slip-up due to an understandable trauma, she was in the right place at the right time to allow Kirishima to succeed in the goal regardless. 8) “AND THERE WE FUCKING GO

YEET: ACHIEVED “- This fight comes down to both sides, equally determined, giving each other everything they’ve got to win, and the victor is the one that endures to the end…no matter the cost along the way… 9) “HOLY FUCK MOMO DID YOU FUCKING MADE THOSE HOWITZERS IN THE MEANTIME? MY GOD GIRL”- Who needs an army base to supply you with tanks and helicopters when we’ve got Momo on the field? That said, she is definitely gonna needs some calories in her, stat, after making that much heavy-duty ordinance. 10) “OH DAMN IT IS ACTUALLY THE CAVALRY COMING TO SAVE THE DAY

OR TRY TO, I SHOULD SAY, BECAUSE MACHIA IS NOW REALLY FUCKING PISSED

OH GOD DO HIS JAW GO UP AND PROTECTS HIS SKULL OR SOMETHING? THAT’S FUCKING HORRIFYING”-  Just a note, but Majestic is actually one of the heroes that Momo interned under during the hero internships, which is why she calls out to him specifically and he mentions having high hopes for her. Other side-note, Horikoshi is almost certainly going to be moving onto drawing a horror manga once MHA is wrapped up. 11) “But boy, I have a strange feeling that Endeavor just managed to get Shigaraki madder, and he’s about to snap with a breaking speech that will make Stain’s one seem like a baby talking”- Machia might be the one based on the Hulk, but Tomura seems to have his “mad = more power” ability in a twisted self-sustaining cycle. He gets mad and attacks the heroes for what he suffered, they beat him down to protect themselves and others, he views this as more unfair abuse being heaped on him and everybody ganging up on him and starts fighting back more viciously, rinse and repeat until he’s standing atop a mountain of dust and exulting in his victory despite missing half his body from the struggle. 12) “Kirishima’s backstory showed how he was always hesitant to jump in, and how seeing Mina move before she could think was one of the factors that allowed him to break out of that shell. Now, in the present day, we have Mina hesitating due to fear, and kirishima jumping in front of her, before he could even think about what he was doing that was a neat parallel, I love how both their stories and moments connected like that, it is so cute.”-  Another parallel was that Mina had the time to steel herself before jumping in, not being suddenly put on the spot like she was here, and Kirishima had all that time running through the flames to self-prepare himself for leaping in when she couldn’t finish it herself. But despite that, Mina did have the opportunity to throw the vial in herself, it was just the unfortunate coincidence of it being Machia who traumatised her before that tripped her up, something nobody could have predicted, so if she can see past his fumble here, she should be able to recognise her own heroic deed for what it was.

@thelreads

[timaeusterrored]

I have a sad, sick Vax idea for you:

Thinking of Venus, home alone with Vax while Ker is gone overnight for whatever reason. Everything is fine, and they have a good time. Mostly cuddling, watching rom-coms, TLC-styled trashy shows, brief kisses here and there. Hell, they even made Stir-fry and eggrolls for dinner, together.

Until Vax goes missing for a few hours. Venus assumed he went to bed early without saying anything. He knew Vax hadn't been feeling 100% these past few months, but he was getting better. At least V was starting to talk and was smiling again, which Vik said was a good sign. Yes, his speech was still limited, but it was getting better every day.

Until Venus goes to take a shower before bed. Only to find Vax on the shower floor, having fainted in the shower, he hit his head on the way down, leaving a cut on his forehead and a broken nose. The warm water still beat down on the unconscious V. Venus is conflicted on whether to call Ker or not, because he knew what Kerry was doing was important, but damn it so was Vax.

Venus immediately begins to panic. He knew Kerry had said to call him if anything happened, Venus had just said ‘what could go wrong in one night?’ Kerry just said good luck and gave them both kisses before leaving.

Now they were here, having rolled V on his side, water off, unsure of what to do. If he called Vik first, Kerry would be pissed he wasn’t contacted immediately, but if he didn’t call Vik first, god knows what would happen. And he needed to call someone fast.

Fuck it, Vik first. Kerry could be mad all he wanted, Vax needed help immediately. He also knew Vik would most likely answer, he had no idea what Kerry was doing at this hour. He didn’t want to think badly of their lover, but for all he knew, Kerry could be wasted or high off his mind at some party.

Vik answered on the second ring, still wide awake even at this hour.

“Everything okay?” Vik asked, and Venus began his word vomit of Vax having passed out in the shower and was now unresponsive. Vik said he’d be there in ten minutes.

Venus frowned, trying to help him but knew better than to try and move him. He had busted his nose, his forehead cut. Hadn’t he been through enough.

As promised, Vik was there in the next ten minutes and kicked Venus out of the bathroom so he could help his son. And now, the fun part. Calling the guy that had been so overprotective of Vax for the past few month and tell him the first night he leaves Vax alone, he passes out and busts his nose in the shower.

“Hey sweetheart.” Kerry answer, surprisingly. He was smoking a cigarette on a balcony somewhere, and was looking fine as hell. What did he call Kerry for again?

Oh! Right.

“Everything alright?” Kerry asked, blowing the smoke out with his words. Venus took a deep breath.

“Vax passed out in the shower and broke his nose.” He’s never seen someone’s mood shift so quickly. Kerry’s face dropped, he couldn’t see his eyes from behind his sunglasses but he knew they were staring into his soul.

“You call Vik?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Is he there?”

“Also yes.”

“Good. I’m on my way.”

Fuck!

“No, Ker it’s fine! You don’t have too-“

“My mainline fainted in the shower, no it’s not okay. Gimme an hour or so, I’ll be there. And trust Vik, he knows what he’s doing.” Kerry didn’t give Venus the chance to argue and hung up.

Man, Venus couldn’t do shit right.

[behold-the-griffin]

Ophelia slaps a clawed hand over her mouth as soon as the word exits it, the echo rolling around the extravagant and lifeless throne room that Balthazar holds court in.

He turns to her slowly, the bones in his neck snapping and twisting like rotten branches as he turns his pitch-dark eyes onto hers.

The heroes, bound like pigs for slaughter, shake in their armor.

She slow-blinks at him, unrepentant.

“A moment,” he hisses, the sound sibilant and menacing to anyone other than the girl he’s raised like a daughter, “with my apprentice, if you will.”

Ooooooh, that’s how she knows he mad. By now, after a couple years of this, she’s his colleague. Balthazar only demotes her when he’s pissed.

With a stomp of an emaciated hoof against marble flooring (mined with slave labor, of course, because a human life was worth less than a month of fair wages), the heroes vanish into a dark pit. Their screams cut off abruptly as it seals up behind them.

“Oh, bottomless pit trap!” Berrun, settled behind her like a massive scaly cat, cries out. Smoke begins to rise from his nostrils in irritation. “You couldn’t have done that thirty seconds ago, Darkwalker? I would’ve won!”

“But you diiidn’t,” sings Ophelia, before she can stop herself. A horrific gurgling noise makes her attention snap back to Balthazar, who is quite possibly foaming at the mouth from either rage or confusion.

She blinks at him again, this time innocently. The effect is somewhat ruined by her tail twitching in amusement.

Ophelia knows a lot of languages, but the noises Balthazar is currently making resemble none of them. -

“Bingo?” Balthazar finally manages weakly. “Why in the name of the Starry fucking Dark are you playing bingo right now?

Before Ophelia can even summon her twelve-point presentation on why Balthazar’s villain monologues aren’t effective, Berrun sums it up with dragonish bluntness.

“You’re getting predictable, Darkwalker.”

He partially rears and shakes his head in offense, his twenty-point crown of antlers nearly catching on the expensive-looking chandelier.

“Predicatable!” He nearly shouts. “How dare you! I am-”

“-wrath incarnated, darkness reborn. I am the lurking power that you’ve tried to convince yourself was not there but you never quite could-”

Balthazar falters at his sudden Greek Chorus of both Berrun and Ophelia, taken aback at their perfect word for word recall of his grand speech. Sure, it had been a month since he had come up with a new one, but surely-

“It’s been three, boss,” Ophelia drawls, stretching her wings. “I get it, we’ve been pretty busy, but there’s only so many games of tic-tac-toe me ‘n Berr can play before we get bored.”

Balthazar’s eyes flick down to the scorched and cracked marble. Suddenly, the charcoal marks on Ophelia’s fingers make sense.

“Look, it’s not like we don’t like listening to them-”

“Speak for yourself, Faeblood.”

“Shut up. Anyways, it’s just that the whole big bad evil monologue is kinda giving… evil vibes?”

It’s Balthazar’s turn to blink at her. “That’s the point,” he says, sounding a little lost. “Ophelia, we kill people.”

She flashes her fangs at him in a grisly smile, still tasting blood that isn’t hers in her mouth. “Yeah, but like, only if they deserve it.”

“I feel like I should be able to explain to you how that’s still wrong.”

Her ears twitch. She’s never been afraid of Balthazar, even on that day in the city, blood staining blue cloth maroon (gods, she’s never been more grateful for such a color before-), but a stellar and or stable moral compass has never quite been one of his possessions.

“You weren’t gonna kill those heroes, were you?” she challenges. “Just scare the loyalty out of them and set em free. That’s what you taught me. Catch and release.”

“Catch and release,” Balthazar echoes. “They don’t know who they follow. They never do.” He turns away from them, gaze empty and mournful. “You never do.”

Ophelia and Berrun share a look. Balthazar is spiraling.

“That’s stupid,” Berrun says bluntly.

Ophelia decides to be a bit more strategic.

“You’re the one who laid siege to a city full of rich assholes whose type was young and scared,” she says. “You’re the one who made friends who actively insulted you, called you terrible things just so you would stay humble. You’re the one who took in a Faeblood with a history of biting and a cartload of issues and you made her better.”

With every statement, she takes a step closer to Balthazar’s hulking and monstrous form. The smell of petrichor and rot and something uniquely Balthazar fills her nose as she lays one hand on his bony flank.

Ah, shit, he’s crying now. His tears in this form are thick and oily, and Ophelia only minds a little when one drips from his chin and into her hair.

“You’re my family, shithead,” she says, speaking past the lump in her throat, “and only I get to make you feel bad.”

Balthazar kneels so that he can better hug her. It’s not that great of a hug; his limbs are too long and his ribs are sharp and he does smell a little like death, but underneath of it all the connection between their magick sings.

“Maybe you should write the speeches from now on,” he mumbles, and Ophelia cackles.

“Not before we scare the shit outta those heroes, right?” she asks, a vicious glint in her eyes.

Balthazar’s started look tells her that he completely forgot about them in the first place. But he recovers wonderfully after only a second or two, and begins to cast the spell that will bring them back.

Ophelia returns to Berrun’s side. He nudges her side with his massive head.

“Sap,” he growls lightly as the heroes fall back into the throne room, still screaming their heads off.

And as Ophelia watches Balthazar bellow and bluster and generally make an ass of himself, she smiles slightly.

“Yeah,” she says, quiet enough that only Berrun could hear her, “I guess I am.”

You thought your minions were taking notes but when one of them yells "Bingo!" in the middle of one of your evil monologues to the captured Heroes, you're forced to re-evaluate things.

[sincelastsession]

I'm pissed off now because I can't remember various things about today and I understand some shit but the rest I'm upset about but now it's like I know I'm mad I can read the journal entry I see what that says but...I think I dissociated or idk. I'm worried about that now and I had heart arrhythmia shit this evening and a huge cry and now like the entire session is foggy. I remember being there. I remember parts of what was said but it faded away and other parts popped up that sort of made sense. Dad brought me a heart thingy to record if something is off. My blood pressure was 107/68 bpm was 68. Tiny bit lower than usual despite the constant panic attack feeling I'm having.

Won't die from the heart thing but it's annoying as hell right now. dad said he'd help me get in with a new heart doctor because my current one has been ignoring legit complaints.

I think that he really did manipulate you today I still believe that and he has been kinder to me today though he did yell at me several times even when I told him that that does not make anything that's going on better and he does interrupt me and cross my boundaries even after I've said no and then I will tell him things several times in a row and then he'll tell me that I didn't say it and he does gas light me and I'm not trying to throw him under the bus or anything because I do want a relationship with my father that's tolerable for both of us And I know I cannot control him and I don't think that anybody understands that I'm just wording things in a different manner and It's just not neurotypical speech pattern it's different and I really need my dad to understand me better so he doesn't get confused and overwhelmed and so mad with me and we can talk and I know I have things I need to work on and I'm trying I really am but I feel like I'm getting punished again because he's back in my life and every time I do something wrong he criticizes it and pokes at it and pokes at it and just like he was talking about red he's poking at he's bringing up the fucking red

And I know that I'm a lot like him in some ways but I'm also my own person and I don't want to be treated like a stupid child and I don't want to be talked down to and what you saw today was him on his best behavior it was manipulative and yes he was interacting and seemed to be in good spirits but that is a fake persona that he happens to use a lot for his own Survival or whatever I don't know if my dad is possibly neurodivergent like me or just bipolar or just a personality disorder or just a fuckin asshole ok? But the way he spoke to me outside when we left was not ok. The way he spoke to me this evening when he came over was NOT OK. We didn't have the worst time but he needs to STOP yelling at someone having anxiety ptsd problems and a heart issue popping up suddenly possibly the bands at the loud show threw it off kilter like heavy bass does. Idfk.

I understand that sometimes my language sounds a certain way but I guess we need to work on training me to rephrase certain things and I'm willing to work on that and I would like it to be where my dad also works on some thanks so we can communicate and not have blow out insane arguments and I don't have to worry about getting physically attacked again

And everybody thinks I'm fucking insane for trying this and maybe I am because every other therapist has told me that he's bad shit when they've talked to him and I need to get the hell away from him this is like a hail Mary of trying to have a good relationship with him before he drops dead.

I understand that he wants me to be financially independent as soon as possible and I'm very stressed out with my PTSD flare up and just trying to do the journaling for you and what I can do.

Some things I literally cannot do.

Some things I just haven't done and I haven't been successful in doing it.

Some things I can possibly do but I'm scared

Some things I can do with no problem

Sometimes these things change daily and it's really strange to me and I don't understand that because sometimes I cannot do something at all and the next day I can do it like it's no problem and I don't understand what's going on but then I'm having these moments where I'm missing time but not a ton of time or I have a memory but it's just really foggy and I don't know if my brain is actively trying to protect itself or if I'm having a disassociative issue So I guess after we talk to mom next session then the session after that we're just gon to have to go over a bunch of shit.

And maybe I am possibly controlling I'm not beyond admitting that I'm not a perfect human being and everybody does have times where they talking act like this I understand the issue but when my dad gets upset with me being controlling he's talking about like extreme almost paranoia like saying he thinks I'm trying to control him and make him do everything and it's very paranoid sounding when he freaks out and gets angry and it doesn't make any sense to me and Half of what I remember him saying didn't make sense to me and some of what you said didn't make sense to me however The memories are foggy because my father is a major trigger for me and I've had to be very strong all day and deal with him more than once today and it was hard because the last time I did see him he had hurt me physically And it's not the first time he has done something like that to me and it sent me into a tailspand a complete PTSD flare up.

He doesn't seem to understand that what happened on that day with him and my sister was horribly traumatic for me.

I did not like the talk about pop culture and the word trigger I did speak to him about that again and I hope that he understands that I'm not using it as a pop culture reference type thing I've kno I've no doubt that word in the meaning because I got taught by a medical professional and I was taught about identifying my triggers I went to an eating disorder facility and I was stuck there for quite a while until I weaseled my way home because it was terrible and they were being abusive However they did hammer some things into my head while I was there in the middle of the fucking desert

So I'm not the best at it but I do know how to identify some of my triggers I wish I could identify more of them and I need to understand how I can be less bothered by the triggers I still need to work on my people pleasing I still need to work on separating my self from the approval of my parents and all this other crap which I'm sure you have figured out

I am still pissed off I don't wanna not see you as my therapist I'm just mad still I will probably get over it I know that you said I could be mad if I wanted to so I am and I'm trying to process and I'm trying to trust everybody because this shit is hard and it's really painful

The amount of grief that I have and the amount of pain and trauma and shit that my parents have caused me since I was a infant the things I can remember and the things that people have done to me since I was 2 years all these other things that have happened it's just an astronomical amount of stuff and I really wish you could have gotten the files from my other EMDR therapist I don't know if that's a work in progress or if you've got them or if we're just gonna not work with them but I really wanted to have them and I know that I don't get to control everything

But I want to Express that I probably have a control issue problem but cause I never got to be in control of anything or I felt that I was never really in control because of how I grew app and what was going on with my body and other people using my body and raping my body and my body getting sick and attacking itself and I Don't really trust a single soul I don't know how to it's not really a paranoid thing it's just that people aren't to be trusted thing that I learned that a very young age and I fight for control with everybody because I feel like I'm just a tiny little kid and I am not an adult to them and I was baffled and pissed off and confused with my dad's behavior because it was not his normal behavior that's why I was acting weird in session because nothing he was Saying in the way he was acting is like what he is actually like

That's the thing like he acted like And not himself at and that freaks me out and I don't know if he made changes and he's trying to be a kinder nicer person but no I heard him screaming at my mother who was speaking to him very politely the other day and no that's he's not doing work on himself because of the way he acted the other day I heard all of it he's abusive for no fucking reason And it's like he has split personalities because what you met today was not my father

I was very disturbed by him acting that way.

I understand that it looked like there was no big deal and no problem but the problem was that was an act you did not get to see how he really is because he put on For You. He wanted to talk to you first to see how you spoke and worked so he could analyze you and probably needed to tell you some things that I'm not privy to which I think is silly since it's like my therapy but whatever I'll get over that I guess and he did tell me that you just explained how you do some stuff and I don't even remember what that was

And I'm laying in my bed with my fucking weighted blanket shaking because he was just over here trying to be nice and trying to help me and I'm still having a trauma response to being around him and he got snappy and he did yell but he calmed down but it's still not cool andeight don't know if I'm ready to interact with him as much as I would like to

Because it's aggravating when he interrupts me and I'm in the middle of talking and I know that I do that but I usually do that when I think there's a long enough pause and then I also like

For instance we're talking about something And I'm listening but then I thought pops up in my head because something was said And if I don't say what I need to say right then and there it fades away like a cloud dispersing. And I can't hold on to it it just slips through my fingers like water it doesn't matter if it's the most important thing in the world or some dumb bullshit.

And I don't know why I have this problem I don't know if it's due to stress I don't know what causes it other than my diagnosis of ADHD.

So I wasn't trying to make an excuse for my behavior I was just trying to say that sometimes if I don't say it the important thing or something that needs to be said it just goes bye bye

And That's horribly frustrating to me. I don't know if I was just put on the wrong medication a long time ago or if I had something happened to my brain when I got the concussion or if it's a genetic neurological condition I have no idea but right now I think it's just havingCertain diagnosis that make it hard for me to fucking concentrate. Then my brain is just kind of doing whatever it wants sometimes to protect me and I don't always have the controls. I don't know how to explain that better.

It's very frustrating to me that I can't really articulate how all this feels and what's going on in my head and all I want to do is to be understood and to explain to people what's going on so I can survive because it's a survival thing

Because people take me the wrong way and misunderstand me and not very many people go out of their way to understand me or meet me halfway and yeah I do think that my family the people closest to me should be more involved and I don't agree with you about what you said about that that's something I remember more than everything else we spoke about

And I was upset and reactive because I did not want to be near my father but I knew I needed to have the session and he showed up and that did mean something to me but it was very hard for me and I don't know how to express that anyway other than telling you it was hard and it hurts

I'm happy to continue having sessions but I don't think my father understands that it takes a lot of time to change habits and heal from these things and he was already overwhelming me this evening telling me that I needed to change my phone plan and take on a bunch of bills and bitching to me about money and his health and things that I can't help I can't control that right now I can't fix that right now I'm trying to control myself and fix myself and I understand my circle of control is just myself and my reactions And it's very hard to get all of this done in the middle of APTSD flare

And I really need to move but my father's not willing to move me until I can financially take on some bills and Don't know how to explain to him that it takes a while with me. I don't find it to be Impossible yet to get Better but I Don't think I could give him an estimate of how many months or years it's gonna take for me to get Better and Help him out I also Really fucking Don't like how abusive he is at my Mother they've been divorced a Long Time now and It's Time for them to not be assholes to one another it's Really inappropriate it affects me and affects my sister it's not good for either of them I Know I can't Control that but I need to Bitch about it so I'm gonna Bitch about it Here

I had a shitty conversation with the front office and the dude was a fucking asshole to me and I'm just gonna let the security officer talk to him about me and the security officer's idea to put a camera up But honestly what would fix things is just to move the loud ass people into a different apartment that has the same layout because the residents here can choose to move to different apartments if they're the same price or the apartment people can just move them if they're bothering other residents but they don't want to kick them ou

But they have been loud all evening and that is not helping a damn thing and I don't want to wear my head phones because my head already hurts like a motherfucker from stress

Therapy is fucking aggravating I'm so tired of going to therapy it's not you and I'm just tired of being in therapy since I was 12 I'm tired of it it's annoying

I really do feel like I got mansplained to today and I'm sorry if that's upsetting for you but that's how I feel

Because my brain goes really fast and I already had caught on to what I did wrong and now I can remember a little bit of it that's wei don't understand this I don't think it's the medicine that I take for my anxiety because that has never caused me to have these issues and it's not the weed because we'd never cause that for me either so I'm just guessing it stress and PTSD related symptoms in whatever other symptoms go along with my diagnosis

I don't really like the style ofNot bringing up diagnosis that's not going to work very well with me in the long run and this is just feedback I understand the reason that you don't like it and I understand how the DSM is not really the best book in the world but these are diagnosis that I have gotten under the care of a Doctor who is no longer alive but worked with me for a very long time trying to figure out what was wrong and he used to be a neurologist as well so I'm gonna trust what that Doctor said and I'm gonna trust with my other psychiatrist now says as well.

I don't try to act more like the diagnosis I just want you to understand that I do understand like why it is annoying to you

I do understand that people sometimes get a diagnosis and they make that their whole identity and that's not what I'm trying to do

I'm also not trying to use any of my diagnosis as an excuse for bad behavior I'm trying to explain that that's why this shitty behavior is happening and I don't always have control over that

Like I will think something in my head and try and say it out loud and the wrong words come out of my mouth or I just phrase things wrong and if I don't phrase it a certain way sometimes then my entire body feels like nails on a chalkboard and it is the most unpleasant feeling in the world if I do not do the compulsive thing

I wish I could show people how it feels I wish there was a way to transfer thoughts and feelings to others so you could know and I understand that nobody ever fully knows anybody that's literally something that I have known for a very long time

It does get really aggravating not just with you and but with past therapists Because I see the wheels turning in your's head and I know when you'll say certain things where it's going and then I get something explained to me that I already know about and then I try to let people know Hey I know exactly what you're talking about I've read extensively about it I've spoken with other therapists about this I know it's a problem I understand what this means And then like the therapist will continue going and then it feels like I'm running out of time andsession and I feel like there's a lot of pressure to let you know as much as possible because I feel like I'm going To run out of time and then I have all this pressure from my family to hurry up and get fixed and fix myself and do all these things and I'm overloaded and my dad was trying to tell me about switching my phone to something and doing this and doing that and it's very hard to communicate with him about these things and big changes really freak me out and I do have meltdowns about that

I have huge fucking meltdowns that are autistic meltdowns like classic ones it's not just a timber chance room because I'm angry it's a meltdown

And then it's like a Domino effect basically one thing gets triggered and the rest of all of my mental disorders sort of just topple over into this big cluster fuck of overwhelming melt down sometimes it turns into a panic attack sometimes it turns into flashbacks and PTSD sometimes it returns into repetitive speaking and actions and other weird worries over and over and over again that don't make sense and then sometimes none of that happens

Sometimes I can act very childish sometimes I can act very old sometimes I can act more manly sometimes I act like a little girl and I don't understand what's going on with that because it's like having weird little personas and I don't pick them out I don't consciously pick any of this out

There's a lot of things that happen subconsciously that I'm getting bitchedoubt about that I don't even understand like what's going on and I get confused

And I don't know if it's just because I'm under so much stress that all this is happening or if I really do have something neurologically going on or if I do have a disassociative disorder or what the fuck is going on

And I'm still pissed I don't know how long it's going to take for my emotions to catch up with my logic

And yeah it wasn't the worst session with my dad it went better than I thought it would but it also still freaked me out because the way he acted around you and me was absolutely not what I'm used to I don't know what the fuck that was

That's not the dad I grew up with but then when we left the office and you told us to go speak outside he acted like more himself and more of an asshole and was snapping at me cutting me off interrupting me crossing my boundaries yelling at me and then suddenly talking normal like nothing ever happened after he did the narcissistic twister tornado at me in the parking lot that he probably doesn't even realize that he did

I think that he doesn't see how he's acting or how he sounds I don't know if he understands that some of the things he says and does are just as shitty as what people are telling me that I'm doing and that I'm confused about

I don't know if we have the same issue I don't know if my father is also autistic maybe that's it I don't fucking know but something else is going on with him because like I really don't know what the hell are witnessed today

That's why I'm so upset that's why I'm so freaked out because I felt like you were just allowing him an enabling him to be abusive by saying yeah he can do and say whatever he wants and you can either put up with it or walk away from the situation and the thing is like yes that is true

We all are in control of our own actions and we cannot control other people but it needs to be made known to him that his behavior towards me and his bullshit manipulation is seen and he needs to stop treating me like crap

Because I want to make the therapy sessions work I want to have a fucking relationship with my dad that doesn't end up being terrible before he passes away because I'm terrified that he's gonna die at any moment in time

And then I spoke to my mom about how he acted and she said that he used to do this in thier couples therapy that apparently they did for a while and the therapist eventually say through his fake shit.

I know you're not dumb.

It did cross my mind that you might have been observing much more than me and did see the bullshit. I don't know.

I am glad he has so far agreed to come back.

That was a goal anyway. So yay.

I do like that I can vent here and you can see it and understand how I'm processing and feeling etc.

I do feel misunderstood though. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know how to word or articulate things sometimes especially when I'm having anxiety and my brain is going 60 different directions and I don't feel like me I feel like someone else is driving and the words in my head aren't exiting my mouth.

I don't know how to solve the holding the thought problem.

I could take adhd med that is still in my prescription bottle one day before session and show you how completely different I am on it.

I was never on it long and Dr. Todd died.

New psychiatrist thought I was still taking it but I stopped when he had a weird OMG THE MEDICAL BOARD fit abt it.

2.5 MG was the dose I was taking. That's all I needed. I was functioning better.

I don't know if Dr. Murphy could sort me out better.

But im willing to show you the difference. I don't think it will hurt to take it for one session.

Maybe it won't change anything.

Idk I'd just like to stop having spiderweb thinking.

It's ALL OVER THE PLACE but it's all connected and loops back to the original subject eventually.

I didn't do this shit as bad before I had to go to regions.

I hate when I can't hold a thought in conversation. It's embarrassing to me to have to interrupt and it's embarrassing to ask ppl to pause to write it down. And it's hard to concentrate and remember shit anyone says because I have a million things going on in my brain.

Like I have to live with it if ppl find it annoying at least they don't have the issues I do that keep them up at night crying because my brain won't SHUT THE FUCK UP.

In high-school I was on xanax Adderall and smoked hella weed. It worked better than anything. But then they played with antidepressants and antipsychotics and epilepsy meds, and bipolar meds, and I'm scared I literally have brain damage

I don't know what to do about any of this and I know it's frustrating for every therapist I understand I also understand many things that I'm explained in depths about sometimes I just don't get it to begin with and then it clicks later

And I felt extremely overwhelmed And I don't know I don't know how to explain what the fuck happened in session because that was not my father

That was not my father in the sense of how he acted who the hell was what sort of Twilight Zone shit was that

If he acted like that all the time and didn't act like a fucking Dick then that would be great

I know I can't control any of it I tried my best to just observe and try and I just felt like I was a target today and I know that that wasn't really what was going on that I can remember

And I don't like that I just associated at certain parts and didn't even realize till I got home and could not remember and then I can remember some bits and pieces now but other parts are still foggy and I'm aggravated about it

And I don't know if my brain was just like protecting me because I was going into a room with somebody that had hurt me and caused me trauma

And I don't know if this is just gonna work kind of like some sort of exposure therapy I don't fucking know.

And yes I was triggered and I'm gonna continue to use the word trigger when I am actually triggered.

I don't play around with that word over stupid shit.

I don't really care if it's a pop culture thing or not I don't like that my dad was enabled because of certain things I believe you said did made him pretty fucking elated and then when we went outside to have a conversation 1 on 1 like you suggested yeah things did not go very well

I understand that everybody has free will and can talk when they want to and how they want to and all that jazz

And I can too

And I don't want to try and take someone's free will away

But he and my mother have both tried to basically fuck with my autonomy and micro manage and try to control me at a level that's insane my entire life and none of it's normal and dad always comes into therapy trying to act like a perfect little angel until he cracks or I say something and he reacts and the therapist finally sees beyond the bullshit

And I'm scared that this is all going to go exactly like the last time that I've tried to get him in therapy with me and I don't want to give up and I'm scared that I'm going to have to give up and just say goodbye and grieve

And I don't want to do that

And I would really like it if you would listen to all of the recordings when you have the time I understand that you're a very busy person I understand that Everybody is very busy I get it

Speaking of being your own person and being busy I really don't appreciate when my parents think that I have no life and I'm just gonna have to make room in my schedule for them and they can't make room and they're scheduled for me on certain things now they're agreeing to come to therapy is new and And I'm not mad about that

I'm actually really pleased with both of them and I'm really happy about it and I'm hoping that something positive can come out of it

I'm capable of growth and I hope my parents are and I hope they're not pulling the same stupid bullshit they do every single time and I would love for you to see how it really is

And he did this when I saw Robin

And he manipulated her to the point where she thought I was just fucking insane

And my best friend at the time was going behind my back and speaking to my dad and they were both very concerned about me and I was having trouble because every year starting in about July I start freaking out until my birthday hits and I do not know why this happens it's every single fucking year

I just have a massive bout of anxiety that lasts from like the middle to end of June till my birthday sometimes it starts in July and I don't know why shit escalates till then II never understood that I don't know if I had some sort of trauma that happened this time of year and my body has kept the score or whatever but that is disturbing to me and it's something that Needs to be worked out in therapy I guess I don't know

I would really like to look into the alternative treatments my brain already feels pretty fucking broken so I mean I'm about to find out how much it fucking costs because I Don't Know what else to do and I Don't Know if I have the Money to pay for it but I'm kind of desperate for some damn relief because I'm hyper vigilant Right Now and I was hypervigilant this morning and it hasn't Gone Away all fucking day and I had Heart palpitations and that was very scary it's Always very scary and I Don't Know what's causing that and I Don't Know WHY my dad was weird and I Don't understand a lot of things that Everybody else does and I Feel like I'm left out of this club of understanding

And I'm angry I'm not always sad but I'm angry I have so much anger and I don't want it anymore

But it's a really bad thing to have happened to me and I wish that I could have hunt down the people that hurt me the most I wish I could hunt them down but I can't do that

I'm not a bad person I don't hurt people on purpose I don't think in an evil way

I have a hard time understanding people that aren't neurodivergent thinkers.

They don't make sense to me.

It seems like everybody chose a bit to stick to and I don't get it. It looks like everybody has some sort of script and unspoken rules and all this shit that doesn't make any sense to me all these weird social rules that are just so many steps when it could be so much simpler

And it can be jarring to people when I say things and I don't understand what it is that I've said that's hurt their feelings and I don't know why I should even care anymore when they don't seem to care about what they're doing to me or people like me

And I don't like this fetish shit about autistic people that's been on TV like yeah I know they got paid I know that they got everything explained to them about that reality TV show and shit but it's just disgusting to me that it's just let's put some autistic people on TV to find love and all these neurotypical people are just like oh my God they're so adorable as if they're like some sort of animal when that's no it's another fucking person

I will happily do every single sort of testing you would like to do on me because I just want to know the answers to why I'm having issues I would like to rule out the things that's not happening

I would like to shut that part of my brain up

I would like to shut up lots of parts of my brain but I don't know how it's exhausting it's exhausting just thinking a lot

I feel worn out and I didn't even do a lot today other than sit and talk with you and my dad and I talked with other people today and I visited with other people today but it wasn't more than I do other days but I'm exhausted like I ran a marathon and this happens after therapy sessions sometimes

Sometimes I come home from there but not just therapy with you just therapy in general and in the past and I would just come home and lay on my bed and I would literally have a sort of narcoleptic thing happened where I would just fall asleep my brain would completely shut down and make me go night night

And then I would jolt awake 5 minutes to 10 minutes later not understanding why I was passing out and Doctor Todd was trying to figure out if I had any sort of narcolepsy or if it was just PTSD related but then he got COVID and then he was going to come back to work and help me figure out some sort of sleep medication to help me with my insomnia and worked on the weird reactions that I was having and then He did not get better and he fucking died

And I miss my old Doctor so much

And I hope so much grief I am so angry and I'm so exhausted and I just quit quit hurting inside and it's not depression

Depression is a very distinctive feeling for me this feels like I have a giant gaping wounded my chest that won't heal

That's what it feels like not the depression the grief the grief doesn't stop

The anger does not go away I am so angry for all the things that have happened to me and none of it gets any Justice and I can't get myself to move forward because the people that hurt me were never fucking punished for it but I got punished and I still get punished and it's an unnatural amount of bad shit that just continuously happens to me and I don't understand

I mean I could have Travis back for a session and he could tell you examples of just me having a hell of a time with just one thing after another and I've seen other doctors and therapists and they noticed that it's a trend and it's not just mean being negative or whatever it's just literally like I have bad luck or something

I mean it's Louisiana maybe I need to go see a spiritual worker and do a cleansing bath maybe I have some sort of spells set on me I don't fucking know

I don't think it's anything like that. If it was then I know what I'm supposed to do to make it go away but it's not that because that is like a psychological thing for the most part and the rest of it's kind of just unexplainable witchcraft or whatever you want to call it Perhaps unexplained science perhaps something to do with string theory and the universe not being locally real and all that crap

Don't get me started on the universe not being locally real because I know entirely too much about that shit and I wish that was more my special interest that I would ever about instead of like other stuff that bothers people

But it seems like everything about me bothers people sometimes

And it seems like sometimes I'm overtaking and sometimes nothing is bothering anybody and I just think that but you know there's been times where I've walked away from people like the other night and they were like that girl was fucking insane and it really hurt my feelings but I blew it off and continued hanging around people that weren't assholes

And why that was easy because those people were not important to me because I don't know them because I have 0 connection with people with no emotional depth

I don't understand how my father can be treating my mother so fucking awful when she's just talking to him and she says things just like me that come out of her mouth that are really fucking rude sounding and it seems like she's having a lot of the same problems as me and so is my dad and my sister as well but whose fault is all of this

And it really boils down to the extreme amount of abuse and crazy shit I was exposed to growing up that fucked up my psycho social stages and I suppose that happened with all of them as well in their childgood and shit and I tried so hard I have tried so hard to do everything in my power to make sure that my sister did not have horrible things happened to her and tried to teach her things to keep her safe and I still feel very hurt and betrayed by her and I wish that she would talk to me and I wish I could get an apology and I wish I could work things out with her Because I think I have more hope working things out with her sometimes but then other times she's just fucking nasty to meAnd yes she's a 20 two-year-old idiot and I don't exactly like her right now and she probably doesn't like me and she's been a fucking asshole telling me that I can't go to the same venues she goes to and enjoy myself I can't go to the same shows she's gonna have to get Uber that because I'm not going to hide away in an apartment forever because that's not going to help me get better it's going to be good for me to have a safe quiet place to live if I can ever fucking move out of this hell hole And probably will get put in another hell hold because I would try to explain to my dad what I need and he keeps not understanding that the things he is trying toPush on me are not going to work

I understand that I need to be financially independent but I don't understand how to do anything under the table I'm very worried about getting caught I'm very paranoid that I'm gonna get in trouble I have a constant fear of getting in trouble and getting punished and I always feel like I'm getting punished every time anybody is mad at me and I'm scared

And I was scared today sitting there next to my father who I haven't seen or spoken to in 6 months and it was very hard for me not to just get up and start screaming at him and crying and asking him why he wasn't sitting there apologizing to me about anything

Because I wanted an apology and I couldn't think when you were asking me what I wanted to get out of the session because I couldn't think I couldn't think it all my mind went blank I had all these things that I wanted to get out of the session I think I even wrote some of them down in this Tumblr journal

In my mind we're blank and I was trying so hard to listen and I don't know what happened

I was trying to participate and be present and interact and I didn't shut down I did in that moment actually hear what happened but I Don't Know if it was me or part of me that heard it and now I Don't remember it and I'm Mad about it because I was trying very hard to actively ListenI probably could have repeated it back to you if you had asked me to repeat it and now I can't for the life of me remember and I'm really upset about that

I mean I have a lot of distressing things going on that aren't therapy things

I'm having a lot of chronic pain I was in so much pain today in session and I don't think anybody understood that because I don't sit there and cry but I wasn't enough pain to cry and it wouldn't have helped my situation which is my muscles cramp up like Charlie horses and they do not release no matter how much I try to relax and I've seen a neuromuscular Doctor and they couldn't figure it out and I've seen a regular neurologist and he can't figure out shit that's going on with me

And people are treating me like a hypochondriac and I'm not one

And I have about a million things to do around my apartment and I need to clean and organize and do all this stuff but I can't take the adderalls that I have left like every single day because I'm just going to run out and the current Doctor I'm seeing is not wanting to prescribe it because med combo or some bullshit that he scared that the medical board will be mad at him and spank him

I missed Doctor Todd because he was not scared to go face the medical board and explain the case to them But he also has the advantage of being a neurologist in the past and also being a lawyer

This Doctor told me to get medical marijuana and encouraged it because it helps people with PTSD and it does sometimes help me but I weren't and got on it for pain and now he's having a temper tantrum that I'm smoking weed and I'm like well what do you want me to do I don't really necessarily want to take opiates and I can't go get anti-inflammatory shots constantly because that's going to really fuck me up

And then sometimes I sit back and I'm like well I'm gonna die 1 day and it's probably gonna be earlier than I would like lake whether it's natural causes or I finally just lose my shit at some point I don't know hopefully I'll get better and that won't happen

But it does scare me sometimes especially when I'm in PTSD flare-ups that the more stress and stimuli that I gethe more upset and triggered I get by like everything.

Right now I don't even remember what the fuck else I was going to say because my own thoughts are going so fast that I couldn't hold on to the thought I had before and this is hell

And no I still don't think that I shut down in the session like I just Was listening and I did make a noise but I made a noise because I was about to say something and I stopped myself and I guess I shifted or did something that made you think that I was shutting down but I really don't like people assuming things like that I would rather be asked if I'm shutting down because I know what that feels like and I know when I'm shutting down

Me shutting down is me going completely non verbal and not being able to really reply

I don't sit there and not listen I don't stop listening sometimes I have some auditory processing issues and I hear the first part of something or I hear the last part of something but the rest of it didn't register

And sometimes people can be talking to me and I just associate but it's not on purpose and then I miss half of what they said and then I'm too embarrassed to ask

And I don't know Joshua I don't fucking know I feel like I'm a fucking lost cause sometimes

You know like I am my worst critic aside from my parents in my fucking sister

I am meaner to myself than anybody could ever be

There's no reason for anybody to fuss at me because I'm already fussing at myself inside my skull

There's no reason for anyone to ever raise their voice at me because I'm already screaming at myself on the inside I'm aware of most of the things that I do but I don't do them on purpose I don't sit there and plan that I'm gonna do or say the bad thing it's just kind of compulsively pop out of my mouth and then sometimes I'm even shocked by it because I'm like that came out of my mouth what the fuck

Sometimes I can articulate very well and speak really well and sometimes I feel like a scared child and I can't talk and I feel really shy and I want to curl into a ball and hide in someone's make any sense

And I had to ask Travis if we could go to the grocery store when he has some time because I haven't been able to get my ass to a fucking grocery store and get groceries because I can't fucking do it by myself because it's too overwhelming so I've been having to go to the Dollar General and get overly processed stuff that makes me feel terrible and eat that instead of going to another store because the bigger stores are very overwhelming and then ordering groceries is a fucking nightmare Because I can't decide on shit it takes me sometimes an entire day and then I will get upset and have a breakdown and cry and I won't even be able to press the order button or I'll look at the cost of it and It'll be like a 100 fucking dollars extra because I'm ordering it and it's a lot of groceries I'm getting so I don't have to go to the store or order them again and I can just make the food but I haven't been able to cook for myself very well or do the things that I used to do like go to bed at a decent time and wake up and go to the fucking farmer's market and shit like that and I hate this

I hate what I have turned into and I don't know what that is I don't know what's going on with this

And I'm trying so hard to process this and everything else meanwhile I'm in serious pain and I don't want to smoke weed yet because I am not ready to do that

I probably should have already to calm the fuck down a little bit but I don't wanna rely on it for everything

But my other choice is suffering and being in pain so I'm going to have to and I don't know why I punish myself like this because I basically am I'm so harming by not taking something for the pain and I don't know why I'm like this I don't know why I'm just

I don't know why I punish myself I just realized that that's what I'm doing I'm punishing myself but also other people have punished me and that's all I know

And Travis came over and helped with the cat litter boxes and the trash and he asked if I wanted help in the kitchen and I told him no because I can stand and do that a little bit at a time and I'm too embarrassed to ask for help for anything else and he doesn't exactly have the best joints either so I'm not going to ask for much more help

And I don't even like asking for help it's embarrassing to me

There's so many people out there that are so judgmental towards me and I hate it because they don't know me they don't know what I go through they don't know what it feels like to be me

And I'm trying so hard to quit Craig because it's not helping my pain at all

I can disassociate from my pain and maybe that's what made it hard to concentrate in session I don't know

Because like I can't be stoned constantly and I can't take paint pills constantly and I can't get any relief from ibuprofen or Tylenol an approxen or the easy stuff that's over thecause my pain levels are at chronic pain levels

If I had to rate it out of 10 on the chronic paint scale I have to say that it waffles between 5 and 9 because I know if I say tin I have to go to the fucking ER

I mean dude I walked around with a Fucking fractured knee that apparently healed back up but he'll back up wrong and I didn't even know it I was just like Hey guys my knee hurts and I'm having trouble going up-and-down the stairs and they're like OK and then like nobody thought that anything was wrong or looked at it until I got a new room at colleges and they were like when the hell did you break your knee when did this happen and I was like I have no idea what you're talking about and she's like look at this big fracture mark that healed up and I'm like holy shit

So yeah that kind of fracture would have caused me a lot of pain and yet at 1 point I was walking around on a knee that hurt really bad and I don't know when that was but I remember my knee hurting like a motherfucker for quite a while

I don't even feel human half the time I don't feel like I have alone here I feel like some sort of creature or alien or non-human entito t sometimes and it's just weird but it's also like a common thing that a lot of people experience and I don't like it

[topguncortez]

Day 21: Famous Last Words ➢prompt: "You're Safe Now" ➢character: Robert "Bob" Floyd ➢warnings: mentions of cheating, mentions of heart failure, mentions of child death, hospitals, character death, organ donation ➢word count: 4k (probably the longest fic this month)

|| masterlist || whumptober || whumptober masterlist || library ||

Bob wasn’t sure what he did wrong, or who he pissed off. But somewhere along the lines he must have made God mad enough to always get dealt the shitty cards.  Maybe it was when he pushed his little sister into the mud pit when he was eight. Or when he lied about who broke his mom’s favorite vase. Or when he took a sip of alcohol before the legal age. Or maybe it was when he had cheated on his wife and gotten a divorce. Whatever he did, Bob didn’t believe it warranted this type of torture. 

The torture of watching your child slowly wither away in front of his eyes, and there being nothing that he could do, but hold her and wipe away her tears. Bob had never hated God so much as in this moment, as he stood outside his daughter’s hospital room and watched as the hospice team did their assessment. His daughter’s favorite nurse, Becky, stayed in the room, watching from the corner, but Bob didn’t have the strength to be in there. To listen as they determined whether or not his child was sick enough to start “comfort” measures. He watched as the doctors told Nurse Becky and she looked up at Bob. She nodded and walked out of the room. 

Bob turned around and put his back to the doctors, blocking them from sight. He felt the burning feeling of tears in his eyes as he looked down at the floor. Nurse Becky and his daughter’s doctor, Doctor Paul, stood in front of Bob. 

“The hospice team doesn’t think that Lily is bad enough yet to be placed under their care,” Doctor Paul said and Bob scoffed, lifting his head up. 

“How bad does she have to get before they’ll admit her? Hours from dying? Minutes?” Bob asked. 

“We don’t know. Is your wife coming in?” Nurse Becky asked. 

“Yeah,” Bob swallowed, “She’s on her way. She went home to shower.”

The divorce was hard on both of them, but Bob took it harder than Y/N had. Y/N liked to say that she saw this coming from a mile away, that she had felt the distance between her and Bob grow over the years until the rope finally snapped. Bob liked to say he was blindsided by it, but he knew that Y/N drew the line at cheating. She had learned to live with the deployments and months apart but she had told him time and time again that cheating was a dealbreaker. Maybe that’s why God was pissed off, because while Y/N sat in the ER with their daughter, Bob was too busy fucking his pilot. 

“Well, once Y/N gets here, we all need to have a meeting,” Doctor Paul said, “There is still a chance that Lily could get a new heart. But if she gets too sick, UNOS won’t give us one,” Bob nodded,  “Let me know when she gets here.” 

“Will do,” Nurse Becky said and looked back at Bob, “I know this is-” 

“Don’t give me that speech,” Bob said looking at her. He turned around and looked back at his sleeping daughter. He sighed, before heading back into the room to be with Lily. Bob gently climbed into bed with her, and held her in his arms. He clenched his eyes shut tightly and tried to stop the soft cries leaving his pink lips. This wasn’t supposed to happen. No one was supposed to prepare to bury a child before they had even seen the world. 

When Y/N arrived at the hospital, slightly out of breath from running around with her other two kids, she stopped in front of the window of Lily’s room. Her heart broke at the sight of her ex-husband and her daughter cuddled on the small hospital bed together. Bob laid on his back his left hand tucked behind his head, his right arm around Lily, who had her head pressed to his chest. 

She had just gotten word from Doctor Paul about Lily’s current condition and how they were waiting on UNOS to make a decision. It wasn’t every day that hearts for eleven year old children came around. Y/N thought it was so barbaric and sad to think about. That even if her daughter did get a heart, if she did get another chance at life, another child was somewhere dying. That another set of parents were going through the same pain they are.. 

“You should go in there,” Nurse Becky said, appearing behind her. Y/N jumped slightly, “You two need time together.” 

“I hate him,” Y/N sneered, “He broke my heart.” 

“And your child’s heart is failing,” Nurse Becky said. Y/N felt tears running down her cheeks looking at the sick little girl curled up with her father, “You don’t want your little girl leaving this world knowing that her parents are at odds. It won’t bring her comfort.” 

“I can’t forgive him for what he did,” Y/N said looking down at her shoes, “I tried to. With moving on, getting remarried, getting a damn dog. When I finally thought I was moving on, Lily was getting better and then. . . Lily gets worse and I have to see the man who broke me, every single day. I loved him, with every single fiber of my being. . . and he used that against me.” 

Nurse Becky sighed and grabbed Y/N’s hand, “I know what he did hurts, but it was nearly five years ago. And like you said, you started over, you moved on, you healed. You don’t want your last memories of your life with Bob and Lily being fueled by anger,” Y/N bit her lip and looked down at her shoes, “Listen, Lily is stable, she’s comfortable. My whole staff has their eyes on her. You and Bob go get out of here for a while, eat something other than what gets boiled in a pot,” Y/N laughed and Nurse Becky smiled at her, “If something happens, I will call you both right away.” 

“Even if her oxygen stat drops a single point, we get called,” Y/N said. 

“Of course,” Nurse Becky said, and gently pushed Y/N to the door. 

Y/N took a deep breath before opening the door and going inside. Bob stirred and looked up to see his ex-wife walking in, but Lily didn’t move. Most days her body was too weak to even keep herself awake, and with the current medical cocktail her doctors had her on, it kept her asleep so her heart could rest. Y/N gave Bob a tight-lipped smile and sat down next to his side of the bed. They sat in silence for a moment before Bob spoke up. 

“Nurse Becky give you the same speech?” 

“Yeah. . .” Y/N sighed and sat back in her chair, “I think she’s right though. We spend all of our time here, or running back and forth from here.” 

“Wouldn’t you rather be at home with your husband?” 

“He’s not. . . I can’t be around him and his optimism,” She said honestly, “I love him, but he’s driving me damn near insane with all his praying and chanting and whatever other bullshit he’s doing.” 

Bob looked down at his daughter. He found some comfort in the fact that she thought God was blaming her too by making Lily sick. He licked his lips before gently moving from beneath Lily’s fragile body. Y/N stood up from her chair and gently packed pillows around Lily’s body as if one of them were still there. 

“I’ll lay with her,” Nurse Becky said walking into the room, “My babies are with their dad for the week. I need my snuggle fix.” 

Nurse Becky had slowly become Y/N and Bob’s favorite person. She told them everything and didn’t sugarcoat it like most of the doctors on Lily’s team had. Nurse Becky had been both a nurse to Lily and a therapist to Bob and Y/N. She had worked in peds long enough to see lots of parents like Bob and Y/N go through the same heartbreaking thing. It never got easier, but if she could make their time here more comfortable, she would do anything. 

Bob and Y/N both gave Lily a kiss on the forehead before reluctantly heading out the door. They walked in silence down the hallway of the peds floor, being mocked by all the bright walls and pictures. Bob could never understand why the most dreadful places had such bright colors. He had to refrain from grabbing her hand as they walked towards their cars parked by each other. They decided to drive separately. Bob hated it, he hated every moment of this. 

“Is uh. . . are you okay with going to my place? I don’t really feel like being-” 

“Drinks at your place is okay,” Y/N answered. 

When Lily had gotten worse, Bob had gotten an apartment not far from the hospital. Y/N thought it was slightly ridiculous at first, but was now grateful for him being so close. He parked in the lot and they quietly walked up the stairs to Bob’s floor. He unlocked the door and let her in. His place was simple, just the way he had decorated their once shared house. Y/N’s eyes landed on the various pictures of Bob, Lily and herself that were scattered around the living room. Bob kicked his shoes off and walked towards the kitchen. 

“All I have is bourbon, that's okay?” Bob asked. 

“More than okay,” Bob smiled at her, and grabbed two glasses. She sat on the barstools at his counter, and took the glass from him. Bob held his up and she nodded, before taking a sip. She scrunched her eyes at the burn of the alcohol going down her throat. She couldn’t remember the last time she had anything stronger than a glass of wine. 

They both sat in awkward silence for a moment, trying to find something to talk about other than their personal lives and their sick daughter, but that seemed to be the only topics on either of their minds. Y/N couldn’t care less about if Bob was with Phoenix or not, and Bob didn’t want to hear about her new life with her husband, but they were two nosy people and wanted to know. 

“Are you with her?” Y/N asked, against her better judgment. 

“No,” Bob said and took another sip of his drink, “We, uh. . . we tried, but it just didn’t,” Bob waited a beat to get his thoughts in order before speaking up again, “It didn’t work out. We are too good of friends to be in a relationship. I think what happened was just a moment of weakness.” 

“Moment of weakness? Is that what we call screwing your wife’s best friend while your daughter is flat lining in the ER?” 

“Y/N-” 

“I’m sorry,” Y/N said, her voice cracking. Bob felt his heart break at the sight in front of him. She tried to be strong, Bob had yet to see her shed a tear through this whole ordeal, but now she was breaking down in front of him and Bob didn’t know what to do, “God, why does this keep happening to me. First you and now Johnathan-” 

“Johnathan?” Bob asked at the mention of her husband, “What’s going on with you and Johnathan?” 

“He wants a divorce,” Y/N said, “I’m ‘not there enough’ for him. How fucked up is that to say to someone who’s child is actively dying and there’s-” 

Bob moved quickly and hugged her tightly. She sobbed into his chest as he held her in his strong arms. It was times like these where Bob was reminded of how much Lily was like her mother. Her arms tightened around his midsection and grabbed onto his shirt, much like Lily did whenever they had to give her a shot or insert an IV. Bob placed his chin on top of her head and rubbed her back to try and soothe her. Y/N pulled back from Bob, and he held her face in his hands. He wiped a tear away from her cheek with his thumb. 

“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” Bob said, “I never, ever wanted to hurt you.” 

“But you did,” Y/N sniffled out.

“And I’ll spend every single day of my life telling you how sorry I am.  You don’t deserve this Y/N,” Bob said, and Y/N looked up at his blue eyes. Those same blue eyes that had her falling for him all those years ago. Her body moved quicker than her brain did and she leaned up to kiss him. Bob was taken aback for a second and froze. Sensing his body language Y/N pulled back from him. 

“I’m so sorry,” Y/N said and pushed away from Bob. She moved quickly, grabbing her purse and heading for the door. 

“Y/N, wait,” Bob said and grabbed her wrist. 

“No, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m still-” 

“I love you,” Bob said, cutting her off. Y/N gasped and shook her head, “I have never stopped loving you. What I did. . . was stupid. The dumbest thing I have ever done in my life and I’ll spend the whole eternity trying to apologize for it. I blame myself for what’s going on with Lily. She got my shitty genes and this is my-” 

It was Y/N cutting off Bob this time, kissing him again, and Bob didn’t freeze as he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her in close. Her hands tangled in his long locks; he hadn’t bothered to cut his hair since getting time off to be with Lily. The kiss was feverish as his hands roamed her body, trying to remember all the planes of her body that he once had memorized. Bob pulled back from the kiss and grabbed her hand, pulling her down to the bedroom. Y/N bit her lip as she intertwined their fingers. 

Bob slowly undressed her, taking his time to admire her and love her. She never felt self-conscious around Bob, even now after it has been years since they had seen each other bare. Bob made her feel comfortable as he laid her down gently on the bed, and left warm, wet kisses on her body. Bob had missed the sounds that left her pink lips as he thrusted into her, groaning at the feeling of her warm walls. Y/N’s eyes rolled back and her nails dug into Bob’s back at the feeling of pure bliss in her body. It had been so long since either of them felt anything but pain and grief, that they wanted to freeze this moment forever. 

— — — 

A groan left Y/N’s lips as her eyes fluttered open at the bright sun that's shining through the bedroom. It took her a second to realize that she was not only not in the hospital, but not in her own bedroom either. She sat up with a gasp and looked around at the pristine white bedroom, her eyes landing on the familiar family picture on the dresser, with a note taped to it. Holding on to the sheet wrapped around her body, she stood up from the bed and grabbed the note. 

“Went to the hospital. Left you coffee and a muffin. -Love B” 

Y/N bit her lip as the memories of what happened last night flooded her mind. But they only lasted for a split second before guilt then flooded her body. The realization that she did the one thing she never wanted to do. The one thing that she swore she was better than. She drove home in silence, her mind and heart conflicted. 

As Y/N sat at a stop light, she thought back on all the moments in her life where she questioned things. She questioned how you knew someone was the right one for her. She even questioned how she didn’t notice her daughter getting sicker and sicker. But there was one thing she had never questioned before, and that was that she loved Bob Floyd more than anything in the world. 

— — — 

“Dammit,” A doctor said, as the long-sounding note on the monitor rang out again. He could feel the cracked ribs as he performed CPR on the patient, “Check her pupils.” 

“Fixed and dilated,” Another doctor said, “She’s brain dead.” 

“Dammit!” The first doctor yelled. He looked at the once healthy female who was now brain dead on the ER table. He knew from the head injury that she probably wasn’t going to survive whatever else was going on. He waited a moment before looking at one of the nurses, “What’s her blood type?” 

“B negative.” 

“That’s a match. . . Check for a donor card!” 

— — — 

Bob was half asleep in the chair next to Lily’s bed, watching the shallow rise and fall of her chest when he heard a loud commotion. He lifted his head up slightly to see a bunch of doctors and nurses running around. He had been here long enough to know that it was probably because there was an emergency downstairs. Bob glanced down at his phone, expecting to get a text from Y/N by now at least letting him know she was up. 

“Bob!” Nurse Becky exclaimed as she barged through the door, “We have a heart!” 

“What?” Bob said standing up from his seat, “A-a heart? For Lily?” 

“Yes! We have a heart! We need to start the pre-op prep but if you give-” 

“Yes! Yes! Give her the heart!” Bob cried and Nurse Becky squealed as she hugged Bob tightly, before running back down the hall to get the prep team to start working on Lily. Bob felt tears in his eyes as he grabbed his phone and called Y/N. 

“Hey this is Y/N, sorry I missed your call, please leave a message.” 

Bob frowned but left a message anyway and moved out into the hallway as doctors and nurses came in to prep Lily for surgery. He couldn’t help but smile. His little girl was going to get a second chance at life. 

— — — 

Bob was beginning to pace outside of Lily’s room as he called Y/N for what seemed like the ten thousandth time, still getting her voicemail. His worry was starting to fade into anger and he was starting to think that maybe she was ignoring him. One of Lily’s doctors, Doctor Shaun said that Lily was prepped and ready as soon as they got the okay from the transplant team. 

“I don’t know what the fuck you are doing but you need to get here, now,” Bob cursed and hung up the phone again. He was about to dial Y/N’s number again when he heard his name being called. 

“Mr. Floyd, we need to talk to you,” Doctor Paul said to him. Bob furrowed his eyebrows and looked back at Lily, who was somewhat awake and talking to Nurse Becky. 

“What’s going on? Is it the heart? Is there something wrong with the-” 

“It’s your ex-wife, Bob,” Doctor Paul said. 

“My w-wife?”

— — — 

Bob thought he was in a dream as he stood outside his wife’s hospital room, looking at her body that was covered in bruises. He could see a large wound on her head, the wound that was probably what killed her. Bob listened as Doctor Paul explained what had happened. Y/N was driving home when a driver ran a red light and hit her. They did what they could to bring her back, but there was nothing that they could do. Her brain wasn’t working. The brain that Bob had always admired. Y/N was smart and witty, and could rattle off a fact about anything and everything at the snap of a fingers. The brain that housed so many vibrant and bright ideas that Bob couldn’t help but shake his head and laugh at, but would help her follow through on them. 

Bob sat by her side, holding her hand, which surprisingly felt warm still. Doctor Paul explained that the ventilator that she was on was keeping her alive, keeping her breathing, keeping her heart beating. But the second they pulled the tubes out of her body, her heart would stop. Bob wondered if God had any more cruel twists of fate to throw at him. It was supposed to be the happiest moment of his life, but instead, he was holding his dead wife’s hand, while his daughter was about to receive a new heart. 

“Mr. Floyd,” Doctor Paul called out, walking into the room. 

“Is Lily okay? D-do I tell her before surgery or-” 

“Actually. . . it’s about Lily’s surgery.” 

“What?” Bob asked, his blue eyes lighting up in a panic, “Is something wrong? Is she okay? Is there something wrong with the heart?” 

“No, Bob,” Doctor Paul said. His mind was swimming on trying to decide how to proceed, “Your wife and daughter have the same blood type,” Bob nodded, “Your wife was very healthy, lived a low stress life, didn’t drink, ate well, exercised-” 

“What are you trying to say?” 

“Your wife is a donor.” 

“No-” 

“Her heart could to Lily-” 

“No!” Bob screamed. He looked at his wife and laid his head on her arm, sobbing. Doctor Paul bit his lip and tried to stop his own tears as he listened to Bob’s cries, “Wake up, please, wake up. I can’t do this.” 

“Mr. Floyd, Lily can’t live much longer without a new heart. We don’t know how long it’ll take to get another one. Your wife is a perfect match for her,” Doctor Paul said. 

Bob looked up at his wife’s peaceful face. While it had once been clear, it was now littered with tiny cuts probably from the windshield breaking. He knew that she would do anything she could to save Lily. She was selfless like that. Y/N would take a bullet for anyone and everyone if it meant saving a life, especially her daughter’s life. Bob gripped her hand tightly and brought it to his lips. 

— — — 

Bob sat in the waiting room for nearly eight hours as he grappled with his thoughts. He was still trying to figure out if he made the right choice, but how does one decide in that moment what the right choice is. He looked down at his hands, picking at his calluses. The last time he was sitting in this room, his wife was sitting next to him, holding his hand as they waited for any update on their daughter. Now, it was just him by himself, waiting. 

He felt guilty as he sat there, feeling his heart beating in his chest. It wasn’t far that he got to sit there, unharmed, unscathed and healthy. Bob had done horrible things that should’ve resulted in him getting the shitty end of the deal, but somehow God decided to punish the two people who didn’t deserve it. 

A nurse had called his name and took him up to the cardiac floor. He was happy to not see the brightly painted walls and stupid posters that were plastered around the pediatric floor. Bob sucked in a deep breath as he sat down next to her bedside, and grabbed her hand. The nurse explained that it would be a while until she woke up. Bob’s blue eyes never left her frame as he waited for that moment. Waiting to see if he made the right decision. But was there ever a right decision in choosing to end someone’s life to save another? 

It took about an hour for her eyes to start slowly fluttering open. She took in the sight around her, blinking rapidly at the bright light. Bob sucked in a deep breath and gave her hand a squeeze. 

“Daddy?” Lily croaked out. Bob felt a heavy, yet light feeling in his body as he looked down at his little girl. Her blue eyes looked up at him. He felt tears run down his cheeks. 

“Hi, baby. You’re safe now.”

[youknowwhoiamassbutt]

I just adore trans Shanks and genderfluid Buggy. I've been considering making a fic with it, but knowing me, that'll probably never end up happening. So for now, trans Shanks with genderfluid Buggy will just have to live in my head.

I always imagine Shanks transitioning really young. He socially transitioned when he was a toddler, when he first learned the concept of gender and expression. Roger knew he was dealing with a ticking clock, so when Shanks hit puberty, he took him to a doctor to medically transition. Shanks had a massive glow up during his trans puberty, his delicate, pretty face becoming beautifully masculine, although, it took him a long time before he grew facial hair, something he was always jealous of Buggy for.

Buggy, however, HATED puberty. It was a much less affirming experience for him. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and while he's usually fine with his body, not really caring to think much about gender most days, using he/they pronouns so he doesn't have to bother, there were days that were just TORTURE! When Buggy was a kid and had femme days, she could just put on a different shirt, maybe wear a skirt, and no one thought anything of it, but after puberty, she had to try a lot harder on those days to be perceived as herself. Buggy was always jealous of Shanks for his easy and exciting puberty. Life just seemed to love that boy, everything always going his way.

Shanks and Buggy never really cared for gender roles or norms, both playing whatever roles they felt at whatever moment. However, Shanks LOVED when Buggy was femme. He always got to play protector, make the first move, just generally act a gentlemen whenever he wanted, but when Buggy was femme, Shanks REALLY got to play it up. He could pull out chairs for her, strut her around as his girlfriend, Buggy would even let him be clingier than normal, and what was really fun, was playing around with gender himself a little, helping her with her makeup and finding the right outfits.

It wasn't until Buggy and Shanks had split up that Shanks was finally able to obtain surgeries, and that was something Buggy REALLY wasn't prepared for at Marineford when they finally saw each other again after two decades. Shanks was fully, confidently, beautifully himself. It simultaneously made it easier and harder to stay mad at the man. He was so happy to see how comfortable Shanks was, but the jealously came back in full swing, until one day, on the Red Force, Buggy woke up and knew she was a woman that day, stuck in her uncomfortable, gross prison uniform which flattered her in all the wrong places. Shanks immediately recognized the issue, spotting her body language and change in speech, and he reminded her what it was like to be treated like a lady, no, not just any lady, like she was a queen. He strut her around the entire ship, proudly reintroducing her to his crew members, and he even gave her his shirt and a pair of pants he said belonged to someone named Uta, his button up being perfect to tie into a crop top. It had been so long since anyone had affirmed her like this that all of her anger and jealousy of him washed away. Sure, she was still mad about Laughtale, about the map and the devil fruit, about the obvious favoring that Roger had for him, and the objective potential he pissed away, but she couldn't stay jealous, she couldn't be mad at the person he was, just the circumstances that led to their falling out.

Obviously, Shanks and Buggy would have to get back together at some point, because goddamn, I cannot live in a world where these two are separated! But, that is a story for another time (cause I haven't thought about how or when trans Shanks or enby Buggy would get back together).

May I join into the transgendering with some Shuggy content?

As soon as Buggy joins the Roger pirates he cannot STAND Shanks. Shanks is clingy and overly affectionate and it’s obvious Shanks gets better treatment than him from the get go. He’s clearly the captains favorite because Shanks gets his OWN GODDAMN ROOM AND BUGGY DOESN’T. Sometimes Shanks gets days when he’s incredibly pissy and infuriated and gets away with stuff Buggy wouldn’t get away with at any rate, yet everyone’s sympathetic to him and he gets to take it easy for a whole day. Shanks doesn’t even have to fight for a spot in the showers for fucks sakes! Everytime Buggy wants to use the communal showers when he’s in there someone basically tells him to wait till Shanks is done and GOD HE HATES HIS FUCKING FACE! The only reason they hang out together is because Shanks is the only on the ship that’s his age, if there was anyone else on board he wouldn’t bother with that red headed fool. Although that time they painted dicks all over Rogers face when he slept was funny. And it’s better to peel potatoes arguing about dumb shit than spending that time peeling alone. And yes Shanks does look legitimately hurt whenever he gets those days of just being in pain for no reason and he actually needed to be told of to take it easy, because that dumbass actually WANTED to help Buggy scrubbing the deck? What the fuck is wrong with him?!

Shanks continues being clingy and annoying, gets sappy, tells Buggy that he’s his best friend and has the gall to just laugh when Buggy tells him to fuck off, they aren’t friends, Buggy hates him! “No you don’t.” That bastard says before pulling his Strawhats back over his eyes. “Where does he get off saying that!?” He hates his smug smile and his stupid face and the fact that this stupid, annoying, UNFLASHY fool is actually right. So he doesn’t even think too much of it when Shanks drags him back to his room one day, nervous and pacing. “What did you do?” “Nothing just… I want to talk to you-“ “Whatever it is I’m not interested unless there’s cash involved.” “Buggy please! You’re my best friend-“ “If you put laxatives into the beer again you’re on your own this time. I am not gonna-“ “Buggy!” Buggys head turns at a voice that is uncharacteristically sharp with him, oddly pleading. Shanks is fumbling with his shirt buttons “If I show you… please don’t laugh.” “I will laugh as much I well damn please you dick. Did you get a shitty tattoo on the last isla-“ Buggy tapers off. And just stares for a few seconds, because he’s not quite getting what he’s seeing. At first he thinks Shanks chest is bandaged, but upon closer expection it seems to be something like a cloth wrapped around his chest, held in place by several clasps in front of the garment. It’s almost the same tone as Shanks skin and it must have been made with great care, Buggy knows Rayleigh can be good with a needle. Suddenly a lot of things start to click into place for Buggy. How he never saw Shanks shirtless even if the sun was grilling down on everyone else. How Shanks seemed to prefer baggier shirts. How sometimes they would go into a town and people would look at Shanks with mild confusion,like they where trying to figure something out, before their captain put a hand on Shanks shoulder and ruffled Buggy’s hair and introduced them as “My cabinboys. Shanks and Buggy.” And how Shanks seemed to visibly relax after those introductions.

Buggy’s thoughts snap back to the now and he has never seen Shanks look so scared. He’s slumped in on himself , arms crossed and his nails are digging deep indents into his arms, his gaze is steadfast and confrontational, like he’s daring Buggy to say anything, but there is also this inherent panic to his look. It’s then that Buggy realizes he’s been staring at his crew member with an open mouth like an idiot. “Ah! I You- You are- I heard of this! So- uh- it’s not-“ “It means I’m-“ “I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS SHANKS GOD I’M NOT BRAINDEAD! I AM- God! Stop looking at me like that you fool! You think this changes anything?” Shanks lowers his head, his voice turns quiet“I… I thought.” Oh fuck. Buggy’s inner desire to weasel himself out of unpleasant situations comes through and he switches his tone immediately. “Shanks.” He says, wrapping an arm around his, now confused, friends shoulder and gesturing wildly with one hand “Shaaaanks, Shanksshanksshanksshanks. We are both men of the sea-“ “We are 14.” “SHUT UP! We are both … worldly gentlemen here. We have seen some truly flashy things in our time. Some truly mind boggling things. This-“ Buggy’s hand gestures towards Shanks makeshift binder. “Is nothing that I haven’t seen before.” “You’ve met people like me?” “Of course!” Buggy lies, a smug grin spreading over his face at Shanks incredulousness. “Most normal thing in the world. I am surprised you didn’t tell me sooner. Not that I would have been surprised and… what’s that face for?” “… Buggy…” “What’s with the tears?! I told you I didn’t care- WHATS THAT STUPID GRIN FOR?” Shanks ignores Buggy’s disgusted expressions and meek protests at being pulled into a hug “Thank you.”

Buggy awkwardly pats Shanks shoulder. “Yes, yes, you’re welcome, shithead, now let me go!” He pulls away, but Shanks expression makes his brain stutter for the second time in an hour, smiling at him trough tears and looking at him so softly. “Buggy-“ Shanks leans in closer “there’s another thing I wanted to ask you now-“ Buggy’s breath hitches for a second. Shanks has a little freckle right over his cupids bow. Huh. Funny. He never noticed. “Buggy….”

“… Wanna move into my room with me? I asked Roger and he said it would be okay if I’m fine with it. You’d get your own hammock away from the other guys and everything.” Fuck!! Yeah!!!

I am,,,, I am okay,,,, Don't,,, Please,, I am so fine right now,,,

Transmasc Shanks is so real,,, Everybody knowing except Buggy because they found him as a baby and he knew he was a boy really really soon (before meeting Buggy) and he's scared of telling him because of how he might react. Because they're best friends but Buggy often reacts negatively to him and he's scared he might actually start hating him for real,,, And he also has the biggest crush on him, so imagine how scared the boy is. And when they start sharing a room,, Buggy spends even more time with him and Shanks starts being more honest about himself. About the binder hurting. Or the dysphoria. Or his periods, which are the fucking worst and Buggy genuinely does feel bad about those. Buggy starts being protective of Shanks whenever somebody misgenders him or makes fun of him. Not that Shanks needs any protection, but his confidence fades away whenever shit like this happens. So they protect each other. It feels,,, Nice. And I just know they'd start falling more and more for each other and,,, It's just so sweet. Also, consider Buggy finding out about what non-binary means and saying "oh. OH! THIS IS FLASHY I LIKE THIS. IT SOUNDS LIKE ME!" and Shanks being his supporter number one until the end.

[im-just-a-mississippi-girl]

Maybe We Should Argue More Often

Pairing: Cash Wheeler x female!reader

Category: Smut

Word count: 2,340

Summary: After an argument with your boyfriend Cash, you both find yourselves giving one another the silent treatment. Cash gets fed up with the childishness of it and wants to apologize, but you aren’t having it just yet. Cash decides it’s time to take matters into his own hands.

Warnings: Swearing, my attempt at smut, female reader but no description of reader, she/her pronouns, protected sex, dirty talk/praise, my attempt at Soft Dom!Cash, brief fingering, p in v sex

A/N: I haven’t ever written smut, so this is my first attempt! I hope it’s at least semi good. 🤞🏻

Requested by: @wheeler-omega-kingston Hope you enjoy it hun! 😘

You can find the original request post here!

You can find the prompt list this request is from here!

Masterlist

Taglist

Smut Prompt #14 - “Bite me.” “If you insist.”

You and Cash had an argument earlier in the day, and you honestly couldn’t remember what it was about; you just remember that you’re pissed at him. The pair of you had been giving each other the silent treatment as well as avoiding one another as much as possible in your shared home. What you do remember is Cash shouting at you, and he never shouts at you; he doesn’t even raise his voice at you. That hurt, stung even, but you also remember him saying, “I wish you’d just leave me alone!” so you’re doing just that, what he more or less demanded.

The longer you and Cash kept the silent treatment going, the more guilty he felt. He doesn’t remember what the argument was about either, much less who started it, but all the things he said to you were eating away at him. He hated you being pissed off at him, especially considering it was a rare occasion. He decided enough was enough and stood up from the couch, heading to the bedroom where you stormed off to.

He stopped in front of the bedroom door, listening to gage what you could be doing. Should he knock? Should he just barge in? How should he start the ‘I’m sorry’ conversation? It’s extremely rare these arguments happen, and Cash is at a loss on how to approach you, how to apologize after some of the things he said in the heat of the moment. He kept listening but never heard you move around the room, talking on the phone, or the water running in the bathroom.

He finally decided to knock. He waited a few minutes, maybe you were in the bathroom, maybe you were reading, or maybe you were changing clothes. He continued to wait until he had enough. After five minutes, he didn’t care what you were doing; he just wanted you happy again, to apologize, to do whatever it took to be in your good graces again. He turned the door knob and barged in, only to find you still fuming on the bed, scrolling through your phone.

“Can we talk? I want to apologize. I’m sorry for all those things I said. I should’ve thought about it more before I let them slip out. I hate you being pissed at me.” He cautiously sat down on the edge of the bed, eyes never leaving your face. If he was being honest with himself, he thought you were sexy when you were mad; he just didn’t like that you were mad at him.

After he finished his little speech, you glared up at him, still fuming. “Bite me.” You growled, not ready to forgive him just yet. You watch your boyfriend’s face slowly turn mischievous, the sexiest smirk on his lips.

“If you insist.” He voice deepens and his eyes darken with lust, taking your words as a challenge. He grabs your phone from your hands and places it on the bedside table, turning back to you. You haven't moved an inch, too turned on by the dominance that’s radiating off Cash. You bite your lip, trying to keep it together the best you can; you don’t want him to win just yet.

Cash takes in your appearance, anger finally gone, replaced with want and lust. He knows he’s got you right where he wants you. He sees the way you’re biting your lip, the way your eyes are trailing over his body, the way your fingers are twitching, just dying to to touch him. He slowly climbed on top of you, arms on either side of you, caging you in. He swiped his tongue across his lips, wetting them. “You’re just being a brat now, you know that? Challenging me, not accepting my apology, ignoring me, avoiding me. Maybe you need to be reminded who I am, who you are, how all this works.” Cash taunts, ever so subtly leaning down towards your lips as he speaks, eyes never leaving yours. You remain frozen and swallow, finding your mouth and throat dry and dangerously close to caving and kissing him with all you have in you.

You open your mouth to speak, but no words come out. Cash brings his mouth to your ear. “What’s the matter, love? You know I like when you use your words.” He whispers, his breath tickling your ear. You nod, closing your eyes, reveling in the moment. Cash brings his head back up, and gently yet firmly grasps your chin. “Open your eyes, love.” He commanded, a stern look on his handsome face. You obey, eyes popping open to be met with his, and you’ve never felt more turned on in your entire life. “That’s my girl. You gonna listen to me now?” He asks, still holding your chin.

“Y-yes.” You managed to stammer out. You couldn’t keep fighting him any longer, and if he hadn’t had a hold of your chin you would have had your lips on his in a heartbeat. Finally caving in completely, you let out a whine and attempt to lift your hips up to meet his, forgetting about the fact that you’re both fully clothed.

Cash lets out a low chuckle, removing his hand from your chin and sitting up, straddling you; he keeps his eyes on yours shaking his head. “Patience, love. It’s all gonna be worth the agonizing wait.” He tells you as he makes a show of ridding himself of his shirt, showing off his strong, muscular upper body. At this point, you’re all but drooling over him. You know you shouldn’t, but you sit up and quickly latch your lips onto his, clinging to him as you did so.

He gives in momentarily, kissing you back with want and need. He eventually pulls away, a wicked smile on his lips as he shakes his head. “You did it now, love.” Cash makes quick work of ridding you of your clothing, but continues his little strip tease from moments ago. He knows your dying to get your mouth on him, or your hands, whichever you manage first. He pushes you back down on the bed. His eyes trailed down your body, his desire for you building with each passing second. He leans down, lightly dragging his fingertips along your skin, first from your cheek to your chest, pausing to admire your breasts. He can’t help but to get his hands on them, kneading, kissing, licking, and sucking on them both.

You gasped as the feeling of finally having his hands and mouth on you. “Cash….” You moan in hopes he’ll slip a hand down between you both, to give you some sort of attention where you dripping with desire for him.

Cash trails kisses this time from your breast down to your stomach, his hands still on your breasts. You attempt once more to lift your hips up, to get his attention, to get some sort of relief, some sort of friction in between your legs, but you have no such luck. Cash removes his hands from your breasts and places them on your hips, gripping firmly. “Patience, love.” He almost growls. “I’ll give you what you want soon enough. Now be a good girl for me.” You whine in protest which earns you gentle yet firm slap to the thigh, close your core.

“Cash!” You moan out in pleasure and slight pain. You know he’d never hurt you intentionally, no matter how good either one of you were feeling. That wasn’t the type of guy was in or out of the bedroom. He loved you, respected you, and he would do anything for you.

He finally moved from your stomach down to your core. He placed a feather light kiss on the inside of each of your thighs. You struggled to not press your luck, especially with him right there. He glanced up at you, smirking, knowing you wanted to all but shove his head down to your core. He slid a finger in you, slowly, feeling just how soaked you were for him. “Damn, baby. Who did this to you?” He asked, pretending to be clueless all while a shit eating grin played on his lips. You were trying so hard to focus on staying still because you know the more obedient you are the quicker he’ll give into you, and trying to gather your thoughts to answer him.

Any other time, you would have rolled your eyes at him. “You…” You breathlessly whispered.

“I didn’t hear that, baby. What did you say?” He questioned, adding a second finger and entering you, pumping his fingers in and out of you at a slightly quick pace this time.

“You, Cash! You!” You shouted as you felt him add a second finger and finally give you some type of friction, even if it was slower than what you wanted.

“You’re damn right it was me.” The smug look on his face would have earned him a smack to the back of his head, but in this situation, it was hot. He knew how much he turned you on just like you knew how much you turned him on. He was hard, painfully hard, but he couldn’t pass up teasing you. He continued to prep you, and when he knew you were ready, he withdrew his fingers, earning a whimper from you. “Relax, baby. You’ll love this so much better.” Cash reached over and opened the top drawer of the bedside table, retrieving a condom, rolling it on. He lined himself up at your entrance and slowly eased himself into you.

“Oh, fuck…. Baby…” You moaned at the feeling of his size slowly entering you, filling you up completely, like you two were meant to be.

You had your head thrown back and back arched, nails digging into Cash’s back, eliciting a moan from him. “Fuck, baby. You feel so good.” He praised. He waited for your cue to move. Thankfully, he didn’t have to wait much longer.

“Move. Please move, baby.” You whimpered desperately, once you adjusted to the size of him. You needed him to move; you’ve been patient like he kept emphasizing. Cash’s lips found yours, kissing you with so much need, want, desire, and passion you weren’t sure how much longer you could last.

Cash began moving like you practically begged him to. He started off slow but after a few thrusts he was picking up the pace, moaning and grunting against your lips. He moved his lips down to your neck, and you knew your neck would be littered with hickeys, love bites, whatever you wanted to call them. He kept a decent pace, not slow but now too fast, much to your dismay.

“Faster… please….” You begged him to pick up the pace. You could feel your orgasm steadily approaching. Cash could feel his own orgasm approaching as well, so he complied, thrusting faster and shifting the two of you so he could go deeper. He had no issue finding that sweet spot, and you knew you really wouldn’t last much longer now.

“Feels so good, babygirl. Look so…” He trailed off focusing on hitting that sweet spot to hear you scream his name. “Pretty begging for me…” He finished his dirty praise in between thrusts.

He accomplished his goal of getting you to scream his name. He hit that sweet spot over and over. “Fuck! Cash!” You scream in pleasure, closer and closer to your release with every thrust.

Cash wasn’t far behind. Your walls clenching around him, the sounds you were making because of him, and that dirty talk had him inching closer and closer as well.

Cash picked up the pace more, moving fast and rougher now, not able to hold on too much longer. He knew you were right there with him by the way you were squirming and the sounds you were making, your breathing matching his.

You had drug your nails into his strong, muscular back, leaving scratches each time he hit that sweet spot. You weren’t sure who would have it worse when it was all over, you with your neck covered in hickeys, or him with his back covered in scratch marks. At this moment you didn’t care. You only cared about how good you were making each other feel.

Cash slipped a hand in between the two of you, rubbing quick circles on your sensitive bud, thrusting a fast pace. “Come on, love. I’m so close.” He pleaded desperately, not wanting to release without you.

Just a few more thrusts hitting your sweet spot and his fingers rubbing you at the same time was overwhelming you. Upon hearing the desperation in Cash’s voice, you knew he was more than ready and so were you. “I’m so close too, baby….” You panted, your walls tightening around him. He hit that sweet spot once again, sending you over the edge. “Fuck… Cash!” You screamed out as you hit your climax.

Cash thrust one final time, feel you tighten and clench around him, and your juices spilling onto him; it was all it took for him to climax as well. “Fuck!” You both rode out your highs before Cash pulls off the condom, tossing it into the trash can by the bedside table, and collapsing on his side of the bed. The pair of you were exhausted and out of breath.

“Damn. Maybe we should argue more often.” He joked, still catching his breath. You looked over at him, still catching your breath as well, and smack his chest, letting out a laugh.

“We can do that whenever you want, big boy.” You winked, half-joking.

He laughed, pulling you into his arms. You rest your head on his chest after you place a kiss over his heart. “I love you.” You whispered, adrenaline wearing off, and your eyes slowly closing.

“I love you, beautiful.” Cash replied, placing a soft kiss to the top of your head, sleep beginning to overtake him as well.

[strangelysamantha]

 crumbled cookies ☆

jj maybank x plus!reader (fem!reader)

warnings: abuse/hitting, hate speech, fat shaming, bullying, insecurities, swearing, fighting, jj’s dad, luke (yikes!) mad jj, mention of pills. 

words: 3,365.

summary: you decide it would be a good surprise to stop by jjs house quickly to drop off some of your homemade cookies, since you believe he isn’t feeling the best. then, unexpectedly jj's dad comes home with an unwelcoming embrace, which ruins the surprise.

request? nope, but requests are open :)

a/n: i randomly thought about this, i obviously don’t believe that us plus size baddies should ever be insecure, but i thought it would be a nice little angst imagine with fluff at the end! if you could, please comment and like if you enjoyed it, thank you! after i write a few requests i will proofread my stories :)

my masterlist

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jj hadn’t answered any of your texts, usually this would worry you, but you understood that sometimes he just needed some space to be alone. you surprisingly were used to this because he always disappeared, and if he genuinely needed you, he knew where to find you. it also wasn’t bothering you because he had only been MIA for a few hours.

you, assuming that jj was just overwhelmed, decided to stay home and bake homemade cookies. jj always complimented your cookies, he loved taste testing them, and more importantly, he loved how you put so much effort into making them perfect, even if you were only making the cookies for him. jj wouldn’t admit it, but he definitely didn’t see you as just a friend. he didn’t know how he viewed you. he was too confused for his own good with his emotions. all he did know was that he depended on you, and that he never wanted to lose you. it would ruin him,  especially if he had done something to intentionally lose and hurt you.

you preheated the oven, excited to use a new cookie flavor for jj. you danced lightly to the music playing in the background of your kitchen, softly humming along as you gathered the dry ingredients, mixing them together. it was a fun little game you guys played, where he’d try and guess what extra ingredients you added that affected the cookie's flavor. he almost always got it wrong, but he was so cute sitting there always trying to guess it right, when he didn’t even know that much about cooking anyway.

unbeknownst to you, you were completely unaware of his feelings, despite the same feelings bubbling in your heart too. jj was your best buddy, and obviously you guys had flirtatious banter but it was nothing too serious. it didn’t help that every girl jj had a one night stand with, was the complete opposite of you. how could he like you, when every girl he fucks was not only skinny, but also rich, and mysterious?

pope wasn’t on your side either. he would always express how nauseated he felt when jj would jokingly flirt with you, and openly play with your feelings. he was quite vocal in scolding you when you would tell him that jj blew you off, or jj had pissed you off. deep down you did agree with pope, he wasn’t wrong.

a beep was heard from the oven as it was fully preheated. you had fully completed the cookie dough, now adding the most important ingredients. you decided to be nicer, and chose an easier flavor for jj to guess. you did this just in case something was seriously wrong he could at least be lifted up for guessing it right. m&ms and hershey’s kisses would be mixed together, creating a chocolate m&m hershey cookie, with added caramel on top. you quickly evenly separate the dough, before placing it in the oven waiting for it to rise.

the timer in the kitchen went off as you pulled the cookies out of the oven, careful to not burn yourself. you stick a knife into the cookie to ensure it was fully cooked before smiling contently to yourself. you let them cool off as you got dressed and prepared to go to jjs house.

you added caramel before sliding four cookies into a ziplock baggie. the cute baggy had a drawn on heart and a nice message for him. you didn’t expect to stay long, and you honestly didn’t even know if he would be home.

when you arrived to jjs house it looked vacant and abandoned. the nerves finally catching up to you as you realize he hasn’t talked to you all day. you knock on the front door, waiting for a response but you are left standing there waiting. you frown before hesitatingly walking down the steps. you look up when you hear a car approach, and a glimmer of hope flashes your mind as you thought it was jj, but instead it was his dad.

your heart was beating fast, and you didn’t know what to do. you waited to see if luke would talk but he just looked at you confused, and obviously annoyed. you shook your head quickly, “i’m so sorry, i was just going to drop these off for jj, but he’s not here so i’ll be on my way.” you smile softly, and start to walk away but his strong arms grab yours. you’re startled since his reaching for your elbow was quite unexpected.

“well you are already here. might as well get it over with.” his voice was unrecognizable as his emotions weren’t clear. you nod shyly. “no really i don’t want to inconvenience you, i can come at another time.” he shakes his head before walking to his door, opening it as the door loosely opens entirely, hitting against the wall to its side. you walk behind him being extra cautious in case he tries to grab you again.

you walk straight to the kitchen to set the bag of cookies on the counter, which was no use since right when you placed the bag, luke had scooped it into his hand reading the note. “oh, so you are the one dating my son?” your face twists in confusion. “no, no. jj and i are just friends.” you laugh awkwardly, swaying from feet to feet. the floors creak beneath you causing you to stop shaking back and forth. “okay good.” his eyes look up and down your figure as his mouth forms into a line. “i wouldn’t want him dating someone like… you.” his words hurt, but you didn’t want to break down in front of him.

you feel uncomfortable under his intense stare so you hurried to put an end to the conversation. “uhm. okay, welll thank you for letting me drop them off, i appreciate it mr. maybank.” you nod softly before he states, “no.” you turn over to him, “no?” you repeat as more of a question. your patience wears thin as you notice the cookies are still in his hand, and he is carefully undoing the ziplock that concealed the cookies.

he pulled a cookie out, before admiring it closely. “chocolate chip m&m caramel cookie. very yummy, very good choice.” you avoid eye contact, trying to focus on anything else displayed in the room. “and it’s still warm.” he stares at you as he takes a bite of the cookie, its crumbs slowly falling from where he sunk his teeth in. “it’s quite good.” you smile softly, “thank you… but-.” he cuts you off completely. “of course you, of all people, would be bringing him cookies. i’m not surprised, i can see you are trying to fatten my son.” his words stung you because this wasn’t what you were expecting. his father seemed intoxicated, and before you could leave it seemed like he still had stuff to say to you.

“yes the cookies are good, but they don’t excuse you for lying to my face. you are just like my ex wife… lying, scheming, going behind my back, but still creating delicious snacks.” you stumble back a little, as shock sets over you. “how did i lie?” you ask, quite confused as you hadn’t even talked to him that much. “i know you’re dating jj! i see his hickies i see that when he leaves this house it’s always to meet with your fat ass.” his words hold no meaning, he was just a lousy drunk taking his anger out on the closest thing to him. you stayed silent, when he suddenly shook his head before grabbing the rest of the cookies and throwing them on the floor, jumping on the bag, completely squishing them.

the once yummy cookies, now downgraded into a small pitiful pile that was brutally smeared against the kitchen's tile. your heart speeds up as his eyes are focused on yours, as if trying to read your emotions. “i’m sorry, but i’m not sure what i did to deserve you ruining my cookies?” your tone comes out sassier than intended which definitely didn’t help your case.

“pick it up.” he threw paper towels towards you, as he waited patiently for you to clean up his mess. you silently obeyed scooping your mutated bakery treat up. you got most of it cleaned, but you ran out of napkins. you bite your lip trying to think of a quick solution to finish picking it up so you could possibly leave, but it’s too late because he’s already grabbing your arm forcing you up. tears stream down your face, while you contemplate your choices.

before you could even register what had just happened, his hand had collided with your cheek, as he screams hurtful comments. “you are good for nothing. i honestly hope that jj didn’t choose you, because if he did, that would make him an embarrassment to this family.” he pushes you to the floor, and you quickly try to stand up so you can leave. you hurry to the door, but he catches you before you could get in your car and drive away. 

“you can't tell anyone about this. i swear if you tell anyone...” his tone is laced with venom and your face scrunches up in confusion. “dont act stupid! god this is why people treat you the way they do.” you look at him one last time before he sends a fast fist to your face, that hits the side of your nose, and your eye. your face begins to pulse as the blood rushes to the quick forming bruise. you couldn't think straight as everything had happened so fast. all you wanted to do was drop off cookies, but somehow you were now being punished just because you resembled this man's wife. your breath is shaky as your tears are starting to slow down, but they are still evident on your cheeks. 

jj’s dad stumbled backwards as if he had finally realized what he had done, before he eventually collapsed on the couch and fell asleep. as he landed on the couch, multiple loose pills fell from his pockets ensuring you that he wasn't mentally in the right place, and he was very obviously intoxicated.

you avoided jj at all costs, which was actually easy since he hadn't even contacted you. you were dreading his routine appearance that was bound to happen soon. you knew it was inevitable, he hasn't missed a nightly check in once, and you had been doing it for months. when you first met the pogues you were slightly scared since you were new in town and you didn't have any friends. so, jj took you under his wing. he quickly became protective over you, which is why he created this elaborate plan to sneak into your bedroom before bed every night. whether it was to just chat, talk about your day, or even just cuddle. you could always expect him at your window at around the same time every night.

usually you would confide in jj, ask for his advice. granted his advice isn't the greatest but it does help that he listens to your problems. not tonight. that wasn't the case. if anything, you wholeheartedly hoped that he would forget, or he would be too busy. he hadn't seen you since before your whole encounter with his father. you wondered if his father had told jj about what he did, and if he did, how did jj react?

you glance at the clock noticing that in the next ten minutes jj would be climbing his way into your window. your body was shaking with nerves as you glanced in the mirror. your black eye was a dead give away that something had happened. could you even tell him the truth? what if you lied, and then he called you out on it saying he already knew about it because his father told him. you contemplated every outcome of the future event that you weren't even ready when he slightly tapped your window. you quickly pulled on sunglasses that easily blocked your eye.

you smile widely, sliding your window up as he gracefully lands on your floor without making a noise, a talent he had perfected. “hey princess!” he has a huge grin on his face, his goofy smile is reason enough as to why you can't break the news to him about what his father did. “hi!” jj pulls you into a hug and you gladly take it. you wrap your arms tightly around his abdomen, as his arms are rubbing your hips. the hug ends and he slowly pulls away, his hands lingering on your hips before he grabs your hand to move to the bed. “do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?” jj asked. you waited, contemplating your choices. “either way is fine, you can choose.” you smile as he immediately gets into the little spoon position.

“hey i forgot to ask you why you are wearing those stupid glasses inside.” he laughs lightly as he reaches for them and you completely jump off the bed, scared he actually grabbed them in time. luckily, you were fast enough and the glasses were still settled on your face. “i have a horrible headache, that's all.” you nodded as his face slowly fell, he stood up, moving to sit on the edge of your bed. he glanced up at you. “we can turn the lights off so it isn't as bright in your room.” you shook your head at his compromise. “princess, i need to see your pretty face before i can declare that you are okay.” you hesitated, trying to piece together a quick story that you could tell him to explain how you wounded up with a gruesome bruise. he wasn't going to leave unless he knew you were okay.

he watched you intently, trying to see what you were hiding. “before i show you please promise me you won't freak out.” you reach for his hands and he grabs them in return, slowly nodding. “no, that's not going to count. please tell me that you won't be angry at me.” his heart swiveled up inside his chest as he heard that you thought he would be mad at you. “i promise that whatever you are about to tell me won't make me upset, and that i could never stay mad at you.” you nodded to his words. “okay so you know what you just said?” he tilted his head confused, “yeah?” you breathe in, trying to calm your nerves. “remember that.”

you hesitantly reach your arm up to expose your once hidden eyes. at first it doesn't register so he stares at you blankly. but the moment he saw it, he was already standing up, and freaking out. “hey you said you wouldn't be mad!” he ran fingers through his blonde hair, his eyes wide. “what the fuck…? i said i wouldn't be mad if YOU did something, i never said anything about not getting mad when it involves someone else!” he looks back at you and immediately investigates your eye. his jaw clenched as he looked above you, his hand gripping your chin. “who the fuck did this to you?” you stayed quiet, until he looked down at you waiting for an answer. 

silence fills the room leaving it eerily silent. “i can't tell you jj,” he laughs, shaking his head, “that's a funny joke, now tell me what happened and who the fuck hit you?” you looked away. “jj there's nothing you can do.” he followed along with your shenanigans. “and why is that?” you couldn't look at him so you looked at the floor. your silence was only making him more worried. “who was it actually? who are you protecting!?” he was getting frustrated. “fine. i'll tell you, only because i know you'll find out sooner or later.” he pulled you onto his lap, one hand holding your thigh, while the other grabbed your curvy hip. you took a deep breath before continuing. “okay. earlier today i baked you cookies and i stopped by your house so i could drop them off. but your dad was there, and i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. it was my fault. okay?” 

he shook his head, his grip on your thigh tightening. “you're telling me that my father gave you a black eye?” his tone was shockingly low as he absorbed every word you said. “yes. and he stomped on the cookies i made you.” his chest started heaving. “i fucking hate him! everything in my life he has to ruin. you, you mean so fucking much to me, and he’s over here throwing punches at you!” you stayed quiet. “jj?” he looked down at you, trying not to get too worked up because the last thing he wanted to do was scare you, “yes princess?” you hesitated with what you were going to say. you leaned your head to rest onto his shoulder.

“i- okay, i really appreciate you, but i can't have you getting hurt because of me. you're not my boyfriend, and you don't have to protect me anymore. i know you feel obligated with that pact we made when i first moved here, but you don't have to inconvenience yourself by coming over here every night, or by fighting people who harass me, or anything. jj, i feel so bad that you are roped into this position because i never intended for this to happen.” he stays silent, “no way am i leaving you. princess, please throw that thought away right now. i’m here for you always. and i am going to continue to protect you because even if i'm not your boyfriend, that doesn't mean i don't want you safe.”

you are so stunned by his response that your breath gets caught in your throat. “what do you mean?” he smiles looking down, his hands finding themselves comfortable around your hips. “what i'm saying is, that i do want to be your boyfriend. i want people to know how much you mean to me, and i want the whole world to be jealous that i have you, and they can't have you. i want to be the one who protects you. so, if you'd want me too, i'd love to be your boyfriend, if not that is completely okay.” you stared at him, “jj, you'll never know how long i've wanted to do this.” he looks at you confused before your lips connect to his. you run your hand through his hair, while the other hand is sitting on his jaw. his hands hungrily grasp your hips as he pulls you closer to enhance the kiss. you both pull away, smiling.

you asked jj to spend the night with you. he agreed, which resulted in him laying on his back as your head lay still on his chest. one of his hands was always touching you, so he could ensure you weren't going to go anywhere. as you slowly fell asleep beside him, he started to think about what his father had done. with anger clouding his better judgement, he stealthily slipped out your grasp, and climbed out your window, set to fulfil the goal in his head.

eek i hope this was good <333. perhaps a part two...???

[rhymingtree]

I had a whole live react but Tumblr is being a bummer and crashed on me. And I'm pissed off but also I have thoughts.

I had so many good ideas too I'm so mad right now

FIRSTLY. I love that all the focus was on Aftermath in Wakanda. It's refreshing not to live so much in Ollie's head after the flashback POVs. There were so many subtle things in that flashback cold open that it just makes me wanna go back and read all the flashback chapters and match all of where Ghost's mind was at with where Ollie's was.

I love how even in Wakanda and all its glory, Ghost is still not in peace. Home has never been a place for her, it's always been Bucky, and her being in literal paradise and still being in shambles is just so cool.

Also Ramonda giving Ghost a ✨side eye✨is iconic and I love it.

M'Baku making his entrance is just so perfect. And I have so so much to say about M'Baku.

The dynamics between Shuri and Boone are just. PERFECT. I love them so much they're so cool. I love seeing two women in STEM being nerds, and Boone complimenting Griot? Sweet. Lovely. Adorable.

Now I'm reailzing how much Boone would adore Riri.

ALSO somewhere down the whole Jack dealing with the effects of the serum and all that I thought about Jack splitting apart and getting himself a Hyde!Jack of his own. If him recovering and riding out all of the side effects of the serum in such a different physical and mental environment from Ghost's when she was recovering, would affect his own decision making?

Like he is in drastically different circumstances than Ghost was in that bunker, which isn't necessarily where Hyde!Ghost came to be (she's been around since Alpha One, and Danny was very turned on by Hyde!Ghost) but when would Hyde!Jack be born so to speak? When would he make himself known?

Would Hyde!Ghost be this intense if Ghost was allowed to properly heal in New Eden? If SHIELD hadn't come for her so early?

Ok M'Baku's time to shine because I love him and he deserves the world.

I already told you how much you nailed the Wakandans' accents and their patterns of speech but you nailed M'Baku. He's perfect.

Also... there were lots of parts of this chapter that makes me think about the war against Talokan. Now I'm realizing, if Aftermath offered to support them then, M'Baku would have agreed. Of course that was Shuri's fight and she made the choices at the end of the day (I don't think she'd let anyone else get in between her and Namor) but M'Baku has so many reasons to push Shuri to agree.

We've talked about how Shuri would have asked for help from Ghost because of how her blood works, and if it had failed that would cause some tension between her and Ghost. But Boone was speaking for all of them when she told T'Challa, they're allies now.

And M'Baku was there. He'd know it, he'd take advantage of that if Namor came. Even before he saw Ghost sparring with Okoye (and kicking her ass), just one conversation between them already gave him a veeeery strong impression of who Ghost was and what she was capable of.

And the icing on the cake was watching her fight.

He'd want her to be there if Namor was the one they were dealing with. And so would I that's why I'm signing the petition for a future Namor storyline--

Hyde!Ghost is such a cool character, completely separate now from Ghost herself huh? If I'm not mistaken, Ghost wasn't the one to goade the Dora into a spar, it was her. She can talk out loud now. That is the most terrifying thing ever.

Also that whole spar from start to end was so fricking cool. Jack fighting Ghost was so interesting. If only I could see all that play out on screen for real.

And wouldn't the score be so fun too? It would be a great opportunity to remix the Dora Milaje theme with the vocals and the rhythms with Ghost's theme. Like The DM theme just layering and getting stronger until Ghost starts figuring them out, her theme harmonizing with theirs until her motif takes over, and the Dora's rhythms start flowing with the melody of Ghost's theme.

I've been nerding out this whole chapter if you couldn't tell already.

There's so much fun stuff and Tumblr deleted all of it and I wish I could talk about it more and more and more and more

I loved this chapter. So fricking much. I'm kinda sad they're leaving Wakanda soon, these have been great chapters. Probably some of my favorites, but it's hard to choose from 87 fucking chapters.

Darke you never cease to be amazing. It's great. You're great. This is great.

M'Baku is the best.

CHAPTER 87: LOCKJAW

To all my live reactors,

Please, please, please, hide your reactions under a Read More cut. I don’t want any spoilers floating around. 

&

To all my Anonymous Avengers, 

If you want to react in my asks, feel free. However, I won’t be answering any of them until at least Wednesday if they contain spoilers. 

Thank you,

Darke

┍━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┑

Jack swallowed thickly, his gaze falling to the floor, “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“I can take it. Let go.”

“Still.” Jack shook his head again, setting his hands on his hips with a sigh, “I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“You won’t,” you tried again, “Trust me.”

“You don’t understand, (F/N), I—”

“Perhaps you should stop talking and make better use of your time,” a voice called from above you, cutting Jack off.

You raised a brow, glancing up at General Okoye as she looked down at you from one of the balconies. Cocking your head to the side, you looked her over.

“Maybe you should come down here if you think it’s so easy.”

┕━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┙

» CHAPTER 87: LOCKJAW

✪ Bᴀᴛᴛʟᴇ Sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ : Aғᴛᴇʀᴍᴀᴛʜ

♜♠ Tʜᴇ Sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ & Tʜᴇ Sᴘʏ

⧗ Tʜᴇ Rᴇᴅ Rᴏᴏᴍ»Jᴏɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʀᴋᴇ sɪᴅᴇ Tᴀɢʟɪsᴛ

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