#it hurts to even look at something anyones made bc im not doing it
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snailune · 9 months ago
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wiki how do I stop spiraling about my life once every 2 weeks I'm getting sick of it
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skunkes · 7 months ago
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago
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...
#looking at the notes ppl in the lab let me on my birthday card. it seems ppl think i should chill the fuck out lmao#a lot were like RELAX!!! and ya kno objectively theyre right but i refuse to listen bc theres something wrong in my head#sigh. i survived the day at least. the timed measurements r done on this experiment. thank christ. and my birthday gathering as so#i dont kno. it was kinda funny and kinda sad i guess. bc i knew it was gonna happen and i didnt want it to but i was like fine. ill meet#at 4. and i expected it to b in the conference room but they set up outside the lab around the corner. so they did kinda surprise me#location wise i guess. i cant imagine what expression i was making. it felt like a pained smile but idk. i had to go back to take#measurements every 4min so i was standing there with a plate full of ice creame cake. kinda away from everyone while they talked. staring#at my phone timer as it ticked down and abruptly leaving when i had to log a measurement. i was basically a non entity while there. which#was kinda idea bc i have too much hurt inside to talk to ppl right now. as evidence by my phone call with my parents when i got home. im#just kinda a bummer to exist around rn. idk maybe i should apologize to my boss bc i kno im not an easy person to do things for#and i really do appreciate the effort. its just hard when i kno how much stress its going to cause me for someone to attempt to do#something they think will b nice. so idk i just feel bad. but its over. and idk what ill do tomorrow. i should do stuff for when i move#like my dad was like: u should prioritize ur future stuff. and hes objectively right. they think i should get a studio apartment which#would b expensive as fuck but i will destroy myself if i have roommates. idk. theres lots still to do bc i have to get a ton of data#processed by the end of the week bc i have 8 days of measurement on another project that needs to get done by may 14th when i leave for#vacation. which my mom was like did u buy ur tickets for next month and i was like. hm how do i ask where im supposed to buy tickets to#without giving away that i dont kno what ur talking abt? bc apparently im going to a wedding? wtf do i wear to a wedding?#idk. i guess im just kinda sad bc this month has been really hard. i made it hard for no reason bc theres something wrong in my head and#that hurt has nowhere to go bc i cant even give anyone an honest account of how awful it was bc its like what r they gonna do abt it?#anything i say is just worrying bc i cant seem to stop myself who whats the point in talking abt it. but idk humans r social creatures so#when im in pain at least part of me wants someone to brush my hair and acknowledge my pain and tell me itll b ok#but idk. the idea of that happening is different from the reality where i seem to opperate at a different frequency to other people. we#just dont seem to properly connect. idk. idk what ill do tomorrow. im afraid to loosen my grip on my schedule bc i might fall to piece#pieces without the pressure. well see. lets home my 26th year is better than my 25th was. bc last year sucked#hope* lets hope that was my low point. bc that was not a fun time and im worry to take account of thr damage done#unrelated
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the-acid-pear · 2 years ago
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Killing my dad with a rock arc
#luly talks#you ever see a man who doesn't understand anything at all#ohh bc my bringing up was bad SO WAS MINE#I'M A SELF MADE PERSON MY MOTHER DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME MY FATHER WASNT PRESENT BUT FOR 2 DAYS A WEEK#my head hurts so bad#everything is about him he thinks thinking about a person is all there is to caring about someone#hmhmmh mh can't even cry anymore#he had the audacity to bring up me dropping out and then made it about HIM about how HE was involved and how HE had hope and about how HE#HE HE HE THAT'S ALL THERE IS#NEVER IN A MOMENT HE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW *I* FELT THEN TELLS ME TO MY FACE I DROPPED TO PLAY MY VIDEOGAME#AND I KNOW HE SAID THAT BC HE WAS ANGRY BUT WHEN HE WAS INTO A GAME AND PLAYED ALL DAY AND WANTED TO BECOME PROFESSIONAL DID I EVER SAY#SOMETHING NEGATIVE??? NO I FUCKING DIDNT#THIS ISN'T ABOUT HOW ONE WAS RAISED BECAUSE ONE IS AN ADULT WHO'S BEING TOLD WHAT HE'S DOING WRONG AND YET AND YET !!!!#anyway i went for a walk outside and it was sickening the sounds of my shoes on the floor were so high abd loud...#i wanted to walk shoeless but i thought that was a bit too far i already was chewing something with my hand close to my mouth#head low eyes fixated on a singular point#i looked very not normal is what im saying i looked stereotypically not normak#which is good for if anyone wanted to steal from me i look like the kind who would stab you on the throat w a pen#i also wasn't walking i was waddling#bc the aforementioned shoe issye#yeah we are having a day today folks
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agi-ppangx · 11 months ago
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gentle (kim seungmin x gn!reader)
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reader struggles with food, hurt/comfort, please read carefully
an: thats not my best work, but i kinda like it so im posting it nonetheless simply bc i can😋 and to anyone who’s struggling with food now - you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are worthy of love. remember there are people who care about you, don’t be scared to reach for help<3
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a loud rumble in your stomach distracted seungmin from studying. he looked at you from over his messy notes, but you seemed unfazed by your body’s noises. your eyes were glued to the screen of your laptop as you were trying to find a suitable article for your final essay.
“hey, i’ll order us something to eat, what would you like?” he said, reaching for his phone, but you only shook your head a little, still focused on the screen.
“’m not hungry,” you mumbled and seungmin raised his eyebrows at that. he stared at you for a long while before scoffing.
“when was the last time you ate something?” he asked. you thought for a moment and shrugged your shoulders without a word. “exactly. i’m gonna order something then.”
“wait, don’t-” you started, finally breaking your gaze from your laptop, but seungmin’s piercing gaze made you stop mid-sentence. you took a deep breath as he sat up, not caring about crumpling his notes as his features suddenly showed worry.
“yn, what’s going on?” he said quietly, taking your laptop from your lap and placing it on the bedside table. he gently took your hand in his, careful not to startle you as he noticed your breathing became more frantic and uneven. you weren’t hungry. you didn’t want to be hungry. “yn?” seungmin repeated your name firmly, squeezing your hand to bring you back to reality.
“i gained weight recently,” you whispered and he tilted his head to the side. “i don’t feel like eating right now,” you added hesitantly, hearing your stomach rumble again. embarrassment flooded you as you hid your face in your hands, feeling your cheeks become warmer.
“that’s why you don’t want to eat? because you gained weight?” he started quietly and you felt him shift on the bed to come even closer to you.
you felt like a failure when you’d noticed a few additional kilograms on the scale the other day. you desperately tried to maintain your weight and you managed to do it for a long time. you weren’t really fond of how you looked, but the steadiness of your weight whenever you stepped on the scale made you feel safe. you were really cautious of what you ate, making sure you weren’t eating too much. the quiet voice in the back of your head praised you every time you ate less than you usually would and you felt proud of yourself whenever you managed to refuse some sweets. you’re doing amazing, the voice would say. you heard that rumble? that’s the sound of victory. i’m so proud of you.
“i feel disgusting,” you mumbled, feeling a lump in your throat. “so i can’t eat anything if i wanna be pretty.” seungmin shook his head at your words, wrapping his arms around your body. he brought your head to his chest, swaying you softly as he tried to gather his thoughts.
“you are… so amazing, yn,” he started and you felt the tears prick at the corners of your eyes. “i don’t know what you’re going through, but i’m here for you and i love you,” he continued and a quiet sob left your body at his words. “but starving yourself won’t solve your problems, honey. we can figure something out, but you have to learn how to be gentle with yourself, okay?” he ran his fingers through your hair, seeing how distraught you were. “i’m gonna order you a smaller portion today if it makes you less scared, but i won’t leave it like this. if you can’t love yourself then it’s my role to do it for both of us.”
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taglist !
@lynlyndoll @iyenbread @flooo71 @skz-streamer @inniescandy-01 @hannahhbahng @prettymiye0n @ggsez31 @laylasbunbunny @like-a-diamondinthesky @axel-skz @kittymaryam-thebrowniefairy @l3visbby @skzhoes @minhosbitterriver @astraystayyh
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pinkaditty · 26 days ago
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HI i love your works sm ,,, and i really love the way you write it just brings out soemtnhign in me ,,, but hear me out on leo kurosagi angst where leo keeps insulting pc and pc just took it well until he said something sensitive (maybe sth ab the way she eats? or sth abt her face etc etc) and hurt pc's feelings and he didnt feel bad when pc cried , but when he saw pc going over to sho and sho giving him dirty looks he feels remorseful but he didnt want his pride to crack so he blamed pc , and then when pc started avouding him he started mocking her but in the inside it hurt him and his pride slightly , afterwards he found out he actually has genuine feelings for pc but denies it , until he found out pc is now his bff's gf WOW i NEED him humbled 🤗🤗🤗
Pavlov's Ghoul (Leo Kurosagi x Reader x Sho Haizono; Tokyo Debunker)
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hey anon this existing is UR FAULT. (ilysm ty 4 the idea) and i hope u don't mind that I added my own little twist 2 it... hehe! even if u didn't expect me 2 write anything u can't drop a fresh, juicy steak of an idea like this and expect me not 2 salivate and tear it 2 shreds via writing it out.
OMG also TYYYYYYY IM SOSO GLAD U LIKE MY WRITING YIPPEE!!!!!!!!! i hope this is up 2 ur standards anon
a/n: why does this exist? blame anon and my inner need 4 a bitchy boy 2 be humbled amen! also i feel like i've completed my tokyo debunker rite of passage... ive finally written leo angst... nirvana at last.
summary: leo gets fuckin pavloved LMAO! considered calling this "ecstasy" or something bc of the pill line but ohh my god "pavlov's ghoul" hit too hard i fear.
cw: this isn't dark imo but be warned as this is just a little bit crazy, the most insane kind of yearning ive ever written maybe. implied sexual encounters, multiple sexual innuendos, and some odd behavior. MINORS DNI AS PER USUALLLLLL!
Looking for Part 2? Click here!
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Sho's kind, reasonably so. Leo knows this. Sho also has an infinite store of deeply repressed anger. Leo also knows this. It's the reason he's in Vagastrom, after all. A deep, roiling anger that seems to eat at him if he doesn't have an appropriate outlet to balance his mood. That's why he's such a good cook, why he's so good at fighting, why he's got an excellent sense of balance and rides his bike smoother than anyone else he knew. He's using these things as outlets for his anger. It's not Leo's fault that the occasional outing to trick and deceive another sexually repressed rich old man for money is something else Sho seems to derive stress relief from. And it's not Leo's fault that Sho continues to stick around with him after those jobs are done. It's never been a problem for either of them, as far as he can tell. At least, there were no problems until Little Miss Inspector showed up.
Suddenly, Sho didn't want to lie anymore. Suddenly, Sho wanted to go as far as to address you with the proper honorifics, ask for your help with setting up his food truck, and even generally spend time with you outside of that. And for what? Some trembling, scared, pathetic girl that knew nothing of the world of anomalies prior to her curse? Some girl doomed to "die" in less than one year, no less? He couldn't understand the kindness Sho showed you. It made no sense, nor any difference. You'd be dead soon, so what did it matter?
It's got to the point where he's begun to randomly put you down with petty insults and biting remarks. They usually consist of things like "Oh my god, even preschoolers know Anomalous Biological Basics! Come on Inspector, is your head screwed on right? Not even the Captain is this stupid." or "You remember your ability is useless when we need it, right? You'd be nothing more than a burden on missions if you can't even control this power. " or even "God, you're such a basic loser. Can't you find something else to do with your free time instead hang around Sho like a lovesick puppy? You're starting to look like that dog that's always around Kagami." and worse insults. He gets the occasional sidelong disapproving glance from Alan or even a slight furrowed brow from Sho, but it didn't matter to Leo. So long as he could slowly plant seeds of doubt in his fellow ghouls and put you down to satisfy his ego, even an odd look was negligible.
He couldn't even stand looking at you. The uniform they'd chosen for you was awful, didn't even highlight your curves. He hated the way you styled your hair, and always thought he could totally do it better. The way you seemed so relaxed around other ghouls pissed him off, why couldn't he be good company? He found you repulsive, unable to resist glaring at you from the corner of his eye whenever he could. He had to get rid of you somehow. He would never admit to feeling threatened by you; instead choosing to focus all that energy into believing you were simply throwing a wrench into his plans to live an easy, get-away-with-anything university life.
It's all come to a head today. Leo thinks he's had enough of seeing you at the food truck after hours, chatting it up with Sho. It's like he can't even catch this guy alone anymore. Before he knows it, he's made a beeline for the truck. His brand new shoes scuff on the brick path in his rush, and eventually begin to stain green on the grass, his brisk stride tearing through the verdant lawn. He tries not to let his anger show on his face, but it's evident in his posture and pace. He forcefully sidles himself into the conversation, leaning on the service counter next to you, not even waiting for you to finish speaking before he pipes up. "Wow, here again, huh? And here I thought a basic bitch like you would know her place! That mouth of yours must be good for something if he keeps a chatterbox like you around."
The chill settles into the air almost immediately despite his candid tone and relaxed, smug smile. He's so focused on your reaction that he hardly notices the look Sho gives him, twisted with displeasure and confusion. He watches as you visibly falter, your lopsided smile fading into a barely-there frown. He stares, unrepentant, laughing internally. This was the reaction he wanted.
He turns towards Sho and raises an eyebrow at his look. "What? She can take it." Sho's expression visibly wavers, and Leo fully expects him to back down, as he usually does. But instead, Sho turns to you and his face grows pale. Leo rolls his eyes, assuming Sho is totally overreacting, and turns to you. He stiffens at your visible tears. Okay, totally not what he expected, but come on. This was the insult that made you cry?
Leo notices Sho is at your side in record speed, wrapping an arm around your shoulders, and gently drawing your hunched form away, giving Leo a harsh look. Leo simply scoffs. As far as he was concerned, your reaction was pathetic. It wasn't going to stop him from having any fun.
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This. Under no circumstances should this hurt. At all.
Leo had noticed you'd been avoiding him. You would slink away if he so much as entered the same room as you. You wouldn't look him in the eyes if he approached, keeping your expression impassive. Sometimes you'd just outright ignore him. It was beginning to become a bit of a nuisance. He couldn't properly mock you if you weren't there to witness it happening, or didn't give him the reaction he wanted. It was odd. When he faced these feelings head-on, it almost felt like he wanted your attention somehow, even if he didn't quite want it to feel like that. A nagging feeling told him that maybe he went too far with his latest insult. He didn't want to admit that, but something told him he did. It was in the way both you and Sho acted around him.
Sho was missing a lot of Leo's calls lately, sometimes not even bothering to call back. Leo partially understood, what with the food truck business booming and all, but he didn't appreciate being made to wait for his own best friend who's usually at his beck and call. Not to mention the flat, terse responses he would get from Sho more often than not nowadays. Leo knew Sho was miffed with him from last week's incident, but as far as Leo was concerned, things still ended in his favor. He hadn't seen you around Sho much anymore, which means he could go back to how things were. No more pesky little honor student to reign upon his days any longer! Sure, there was the biting underlying feeling that maybe he'd screwed things up, but one ride on the back of Sho's motorcycle, going wherever Leo wanted as per usual, and he was living the dream again. No way everything would change over a silly, insignificant insult.
For a short while, he begins to get bolder, openly mocking you when he does come across you. His originally surface-level remarks become rather personal, even using your eventual death as a way to tease you. From "You know, I'm surprised you haven't done anything to change up that unflattering look, considering you're dying soon. Ever considered dressing up a little? You might get some attention before you die." to "Hey, Little Miss Inspector! With the number of men you talk to around campus, I'm surprised nobody's written you off as a whore yet!", and worse, of course. He continues to get no such reaction out of you, and it frustrates him to no end. Why couldn't you just frown? Shrink away? Or even retort something just as scathing back to him? Your lack of entertainment towards his endless ridicule reduced his motivation, and slowly, it ended up dying off. Soon, he left you alone altogether, not talking to you unless necessary, mimicking your actions. In a way, some part of him hopes maybe this will be what gets your attention. Even if he can't quite admit to himself that your attention, regardless of whether it's positive or negative, is what he wants.
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It's late, but Vagastrom students don't go to bed until far later. And Leo needs a favor.
His crushing lack of success in garnering any sort of attention or reaction or rise from you had driven him to a point. He didn't want to apologize to you or anything, but this new habit of you ignoring him was beginning to stoke his displeasure. In his pondering, he remembered how easily Sho captured your gaze and wondered if maybe he'd have any idea of what Leo could do to at least put an end to this stalemate.
Leo's reluctance shows in the way he drags his feet on the path to Sho's room, less than eager to confront him for his opinion on something so shamelessly trivial. Why was he wasting his time with this anyway? Surprisingly, the lack of a solid answer to that question did not stop his trek. A twinge in his chest told him he knew exactly why he was "wasting his time".
In the month it had been since he'd made you cry, the nagging feeling had only gotten harsher. His mind kept flickering back to the shock of your tears and how he'd not bothered to consider it much further. An uncomfortable guilt had made itself known starting then. He never really expected you to cry; he just wanted a mild reaction. He wanted your eyes on him, flashing with anger, just for a moment. Your ire was a saccharine pill laced with ecstasy that he'd gladly crush with his teeth to speed up his high. Maybe it'd be too much to say he got off on it, but he enjoyed the way you used to roll your eyes at any comments from him a little more than he cared to admit. Now, he wouldn't even get that. It'd be rare for you to so much as make fleeting eye contact with him, not that something as small as that would be enough for Leo. Part of him was willing to accept that maybe, he'd gone too far. Maybe. But how else was he supposed to monopolize your attention when you give that out so freely? To his best friend, even?
He didn't know it was possible to covet something so terribly. He found himself wondering why he couldn't catch your attention in the same way as the other ghouls? In his quest for the same attention you gave so freely to the kinder, softer ghouls, he found another version of your attention. It was negative, but it was attention nonetheless. Your sweet, honeyed rage seemed to fill his cravings and then some, so he continued to devour it under the guise of "chasing you away" or "putting you down" or "satisfying his ego". In truth, for whatever reason, there was a rather bothersome and persistent envious longing, a covet, for your attention. Leo wants to vomit. A part of him denies it still, pushing his needless feelings to the back of his brain. He had something to do, and he ought to focus on that. What good would mere wallowing do?
He makes it to Sho's room and almost considers turning back. He stares at the door, his expression morphing into a complicated look. He shifted his feet, his slippers sliding against the floor. It was quite clear he really did not want to do this. At all. He sighs and grumbles indignantly, putting his head in his hands in an attempt to gather some courage. This couldn't be that hard, right? Just in, ask Sho a question, get an answer, then out. The only reason this was easier said than done was just because it could potentially show Leo was capable of feeling remorse, which would make this conversation leagues harder than it needed to be. He shakes his head and straightens up, preparing to knock, when he notices something.
Sho's room was... unusually quiet. Usually, Leo almost always heard some loud music or a cooking show running in the background, but he couldn't hear anything this time. Sho couldn't possibly be asleep. As late as it was, the only person who Leo knew for a fact could stay up past him was Sho, regardless of how much sleep he had gotten. There was no chance Sho was asleep. Believe it or not, Leo doesn't like to spy on Sho. But curiosity overwhelms him. What could he possibly be doing that would render the whole room in silence?
"Haxs," he whispers, listening closely.
The first thing he hears is the cling-clanging of Alan hard at work on a car in the garage. Not the sound he was meant to be focusing on. Then he hears endless jeering and loud insults shouted, though they're all muffled like they're underground. Another pit fight? Still, not the sound he's looking for. He sifts through the sounds he hears before he settles on the one coming directly from Sho's room.
Voices. Groaning, strained voices. The sound of wet skin against wet skin. Panting. Sho's panting, specifically. He could tell by the slight nasally tone of it.
Leo felt his face gradually warm. Christ, of course it'd be this he'd be up to. Leo muffles a laugh into the collar of his pajamas, keeping his hand clamped over his mouth as his body shook with mirth. When he finally calms down, he slinks off to the corner down the hall, and hides himself there, shamelessly still listening to it. Sho's a sly dog. Leo certainly didn't expect him to be getting up to anything this soon. He leans his body against the wall, crossing his arms and drumming his fingers on his arm, waiting for Sho to finish. He smirks to himself, as though enjoying the vocal show.
...
He had to admit, whoever he was with had gorgeous moans. He'd have to ask Sho if he'd be willing to pass this girl's number. He could use a couple things to get his mind off of you.
...
Okay, he had to stop listening to this now. He lifts his stigma and holds his hands over his ears for good measure, partially trying to hide the furious red blush across his face. As pretty as that girl's moans were, he was not going to listen to his best friend's climax. No thanks. He huffs out an impatient breath as his cheeks cool down, leaning his back against the wall, leaning his head back until it hit the wall with a dull thump. Now he just had to wait it out. He knew damn well Sho would never let a girl stay over. He'd never hear the end of it from yours truly, Leo.
Leo's right. It isn't long before he hears the door to Sho's room click, and hears murmured voices travel down the hall. He smirks, rushing down the hall in the opposite way, so it doesn't look like he was listening the whole time. He listens, waiting for a cue of some sort.
"Shame you have to go, you know." Sho's voice. Laced with relief, pleasure, and a thick tiredness. Leo's skin crawled. He could practically feel the smile in Sho's voice.
"It's not so bad." The girl responded with a light and playful tone, her voice seemingly much more put together than Sho's despite all that moaning. The voice sounded oddly familiar, but Leo brushed it off. Must be someone he shares classes with. "I've got things to do anyway. But it was nice to spend some time with you, Sho." Eagh. Leo internally hopes this girl isn't the type to get easily attached.
"...Yeah. Same to you. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Finally, he heard the girl's footsteps trailing down the hall, heading in his direction. Leo hurriedly pulls his phone out of his pocket, making sure the screen was bright as he flipped through the latest trends. He made a point of not looking up until he heard the footsteps nearing him.
He looks up, prepared for a simple glance, but ends up being rooted to the spot.
It was you. Of course, it was you. Who else would be taunting enough?
Despite himself, his gaze remains glued to you, his head turning as you walk past him. For a moment, Leo thinks you're just going to ignore him again. Then, suddenly, your gaze meets his in a flash, and he stiffens, almost out of fear. The way your eyebrows crease and the way your lips twitch downward almost makes him salivate. You were clearly displeased to see him. Even so, he notices you don't slow down, continuing your way down the hall, not bothering to crane your neck to look at him.
Leo remains rooted to the spot, watching your figure as you leave. His jaw hangs open slightly, his chest heaving with shocked breaths. His eyes are wide open, pools of gold reflecting your retreating form. His hand trembles as he holds his phone, the latest trends left neglected in the wake of a single mean-spirited glance from you. He feels his heart pound mercilessly in his chest, as though confirming what he'd tried so desperately to deny.
All at once, anger and arousal seem to grip him simultaneously. Anger at himself for feeling arousal from a mere negative glance from you. He couldn't possibly have craved your attention so viscerally he'd happily accept mere scraps. And yet here he was, a lap dog, watching you as you leave as though silently begging for another glance, another chance to watch your eyes burn with that familiar, delicious anger, another meal to satisfy his starved heart.
For a moment, he would have gladly followed you, and pestered you to death, just to irk you and become a willing victim of your wrath. Anything... just for that attention.
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a/n: wow. no stop why am i kind of in shock at the poetic lines i kinda think i did a great job! but 4 whatever reason it's always the writing i think was total shit that does actual numbers *sob*
aghhhh in any case. no i don't have an excuse 4 this. my requests are still technically closed. i just... couldn't help myself... so consider this a freebie. regardless though if u like my writing feel free 2 fill the fuck out of my inbox idnc i love hearing from y'all.
also TUMBLR KEEPS TURNING OFF MY REBLOGS!!!! GRAH!!!!!! tumblr hates me y'all they keep catching on2 me 4 writing porn :( so please if u really wanna show appreciation and tumblr won't let u reblog, leave a comment! those make me happy :)
anyways. usual note that i adore likes, comments, and tagged reblogs!! please tell me how much you like my writing, i love to hear it and it keeps me going! until next timeeeeeeee!
EDIT: I FORGOTTT QUICK EXPLAINATION: im assuming everyone knows pavlov's dog and the whole classical conditioning theory. this story is basically that mixed with the mere-exposure effect.
neutral stimulus: mc's presence
natural response: leo's arousal/excitement
response-producing stimulus: mc's anger
mere-exposure effect: psychological effect in which a like or dislike of things is developed merely due 2 familiarity.
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devoted-horror · 3 months ago
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giving the new survivor hatch.
a/n: this is my first time writing for dbd in general, so!! i hope i do this game justice bc i play it every day lol
includes: the huntress, the trickster, the ghostface, the artist, the cannibal.
warnings: not proofread, typical dbd stuff like blood, mentions of murder, things like that, gn reader, love at first sight but only if u tilt ur head and squint really hard, inconsistent length, im going to be so delusional over jiwoon im sorry, i can't speak russian or korean so i just used a bunch of translators sorry if i got smth wrong, inaccurate behavior of dbd crows but relatively accurate behavior of irl crows i think, scream reference in danny's part bc i had to, reader injury in jiwoon and danny's parts, written over the course of a few months so sorry if the pacing is weird.
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THE HUNTRESS
Anna has been in the fog long enough that every face of everyone she's ever killed has started to merge together into one. She doesn't know their names, and hardly ever reacts whenever she encounters a new survivor.
Mercy is not something she shows during trials. She is a hunter, and anyone who crosses her path, be it man or animal, is her prey. Nothing in the wild is merciful.
And you were nothing more than another person for her to hunt, prey for her to kill. And trust me, she was going to kill you.
Or, at least, she was.
And then you dropped a pallet on her. Now, normally, Anna would get very angry when this happens. Her prey is fighting back, and though it gives her a thrill, it's annoying. And for a brief moment, she did feel angry the moment the pallet hit her.
But then you were apologizing, a look of genuine guilt on your expression. You even asked if she was bleeding. Your survival instincts were lacking, clearly, but Anna found that to be... oddly endearing??
She felt a surge of protectiveness spark within her, something she had never felt during her time here. It was a familiar feeling, yet one so foreign at the same time.
But how could she not feel such a way when you were staring up at her, clearly scared that she was going to hurt you yet brave enough to stand in front of her and apologize for something that, by all means, you should have done.
Anna just stares you down for a long moment, having an internal struggle with herself on what she should do with you. Ultimately, her need to protect overruled her need to hunt, because after breaking the pallet between the two of you, she made a gesture for you to follow her.
And, not wanting to die, you did.
She took you to a shack, something you've heard other survivors refer to as the killer shack. The only reason you knew this is because you were told to stay away from it unless you wanted to get put in the basement.
She just pointed to one of the corners of the building, and looked over at you, "Оставайся здесь." And you didn't immediately understand her, though you were quick to pick up on what she was telling you. It seemed as if she wanted you to stay here.
Your safest bet on surviving was doing what she said, so you just nod and awkwardly place yourself in the corner she had been pointing at. She doesn't spare you another glance as she leaves you alone.
You're not sure how long you stayed there. You could hear the other survivors screams though, and you felt sick to your stomach at the sound of them being hooked and sacrificed to the Entity. They probably won't be too happy about this the next time you see them...
It was only when you were the last one standing that Anna came back to retrieve you. She found you exactly where she had left you, and even though you couldn't see her face due to the rabbit mask, she seemed rather pleased that you had actually listened to her.
If she had it her way, Anna would keep you by her side. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. The Entity would probably force the trial to end if you didn't either escape or die.
She begrudgingly brought you to hatch, the black mist pouring from it, silently promising safety if you jumped into it. You stared at it, confused about what it was, and that protectiveness she was feeling only seemed to grow stronger when you looked up at her for an explanation. The only explanation she offered was a slight gesture to you, and then the hatch.
"Иди, кролик." She says, lightly pushing you to the hatch and watching as you hesitantly decide to trust her, jumping into the hatch and leaving her alone as the fog comes and places her back in the Red Forest.
If she's lucky, she'll be in a trial with you again soon.
THE TRICKSTER
He'll immediately recognize you to be new. He prides himself in recognizing every survivor he's encountered, either by their face or by the sound of their screams. Mostly their screams.
And he certainly didn't recognize the scream he heard when one of his throwing knives ricocheted and hit you while he was chasing down another one of the newer survivors; Sable. It was a small, startled scream, nothing worth his attention, but it was new. That was enough to make this trial more exciting, and he found himself keeping his eyes peeled for you.
Which... was a lot easier than he expected it to be, because you just kept running right into him. Seriously. Did you not pay attention to your surroundings? Do you think he's a survivor?? Do you not see the bloodied fucking bat he's holding???
He's not sure if he's annoyed or amused by this. Partially both, to be honest. It's amusing to see you relax for a split second after bumping into him, not recognizing him to be the killer immediately. It's annoying because he'd like to hear you scream, please and thank you.
Jiwoon doesn't necessarily target you during the trial. To be honest, he's trying to weed out the other survivors before focusing his attention on you.
He wanted to take his time with you, to see what sounds he could pull out of you before the Entity forced the trial to end. Just the sound of you gasping whenever you bump into him has his mind racing.
This was honestly enough to keep him motivated throughout the entire trial, a certain bloodlust sparking in him. He relished the sound of everyone else's screams, but they weren't appealing to him right now.
He needed the other survivors out of the way. He needed you alone. And when he finally got rid of the last pesky survivor, the fun began.
And when he corners you in killer shack, he really didn't plan on being merciful. He wanted to hear you scream, and then he wanted to kill you, really. That was his plan.
The only way you'd get out of this alive is if you beg, honestly. And I mean beg. On your knees, crying, pleading, offering something in return for your survival. That sort of begging.
You were new and shiny in comparison to all of the other survivors, and maybe it's because he's a sadistic bastard, but he really does adore the sight of you on your knees, crying as he absently nicks your skin with one of his throwing knives.
This is where Jiwoon feels a bit torn, truth be told. He's never been a patient man, so he wants to get as many screams out of you as he can before the Entity forced the trial to end. But at the same time, he knew he'd see you again in a future trial, sooner or later.
It wouldn't hurt to prolong his time with you, would it?
The entire time he's pondering this, he's dragging the blade across your skin, relishing in the sweet sounds of your gasps and whimpers, and you stutter out a desperate 'please'.
Ultimately, Jiwoon decides to be nice, just this once. He'll mutter a quiet, "짜증나..." before hoisting you over his shoulder and carrying you off.
You struggled, obviously, assuming he was ending your misery and taking you to a hook. He didn't really mind much, having an iron grasp on you that kept you from wiggling free.
He dropped you right next to the hatch once he found it, finding your small pained sound to be adorable as you look at your salvation with a confused expression. But before you can crawl into it and escape, he's grabbing you by the back of your shirt and pulling you back a bit.
For a moment, you think he's going to kill you, and you squeeze your eyes shut, expecting pain. But nothing comes. You feel him tuck something in your shirt, and he lightly pats your cheek, cooing a bit at your terror before he lets you go and leaves you alone.
And when you're back at the campfire, you find a photo of Jiwoon neatly folded and tucked into your shirt, signed with his autograph.
He'll have an encore the next time he sees you, and you can only hope you don't find yourself in a trial with him again any time soon.
THE GHOSTFACE
Would actually never give you hatch under normal circumstances. He's here to kill, so kill he shall. He treated you the same as any other survivor when he first saw you, though it wasn't until he was in chase with you that he realized how interesting you were.
For one, you were... surprisingly good at looping him?? For a newbie, he was rather impressed. That's not enough to get him to let you live, but it's definitely a start.
No, his interest is only truly piqued when you start quoting horror movies during chase.
Honestly, if he didn't know any better, he'd think you to be flirting with him. A person after his heart, truly.
It was only when he had you cornered that you really caught his attention. You weren't scared, and it intrigued him as much as it annoyed him.
He was just itching to dig his knife into you and take a photo of your lifeless corpse once he was finished. But even with your life at risk, you showed no fear.
Hell, you even mocked him.
"No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel."
Sure, you weren't the first survivor to mock him, and you certainly won't be the last, but he found you interesting.
Oh, he needed to kill you. He needed your photo in his collection, it would be his favorite.
But he thought it would be more fun to humor you. Danny was a patient man. This isn't the first time he's drawn out a kill.
You were honestly surprised that he had left you alone. You didn't think that would actually work, and you were... a bit concerned, actually. None of the other killers you had ended up in a trial with during your short time here has entertained you the way Danny has, and you're not sure if you should be scared or not.
And, much to your very hesitant relief, you didn't see him for the rest of the trial. You knew he was watching you though. Every once in a while, you just felt... you're not quite sure how to describe it, but it almost felt as if you were being hunted.
You'd see him from the corner of your eye though. Never for long, just quick flashes of his screaming mask. Honestly, you felt less scared when he was actively trying to murder you.
That's how the rest of the trial went for you, at least. Until eventually, you were the only one left standing. You may be new, but the other survivors had given you the rundown of what to do if you were the last one standing before the trial had started.
You had to find hatch. Which was... easier said than done, truthfully. Especially since you weren't sure where the fuck Danny was. There's no way he was letting you go, right? He's probably saving you for last, right?
Whenever you so much as caught a glimpse of something moving, you were scurrying in the other direction.
This is pretty much Danny's way of giving you hatch. There's no way he'd give it to you directly, not yet.
You had honestly thought you had found it all by yourself until you were fucking stabbed, the flash of a camera in your face blinding you.
Truth be told, Danny did plan on killing you. He had wanted to give you a false sense of hope. But your stupid little smile when you saw hatch got to him, okay? So he'll settle for this for now.
"You owe me."
And he doesn't even spare you a glance as he pushes you into the hatch's mist, his gaze intently focused on the photo of you he had just taken.
Unfortunately for you, you've caught his attention.
THE ARTIST
Carmina is one of the more merciful killers you may come across, so she'd be fairly likely to give a new survivor hatch depending on how the trial has gone and whether or not she's consumed by anger.
She only realizes that you're new to the fog when her crows surround you and you don't try shooing them away. When she finds you, you're actually... rather content having a murder of crows surrounding you.
Very very confused. She'll probably just stare at you for a hot second as you go about the trial without a single care for the crows swarming around you. Even the crows are confused.
You distract her long enough with your antics that a good chunk of the gens pop, and she had to force herself to leave you be in order to focus on hunting the other survivors.
She'll ignore you for the entire trial after she leaves you be. Her crows can keep watch for her.
So for the rest of the trial she's only vaguely aware of your location, occasionally stopping once in a while to determine whether or not her crows were still with you. They were.
Even the other survivors seemed confused by your behavior.
On the rare occasion that she bumped into you during the trial, it was always when another survivor was nearby trying to tell you how to get rid of the crows.
You never even tried to shoo away the crows throughout the entire trial, and at some point, they stopped swarming around you. They didn't go away, no. You, somehow, managed to tame Carmina's crows with little trinkets that you found littered across the place.
Honestly, the crows seemed to like you enough that even if Carmina told them to hurt you, they probably wouldn't listen to her. It's hard to believe that you were a new survivor with how calm you were about everything happening.
It's probably that calm nature, coupled with your ability to calm her crows, that solidified in her mind that you were the only one who would make it out alive.
And with a newfound determination, Carmina sacrificed the other three survivors with no issues, and she could hear hatch opening not too far away from her.
With the help of her crows, Carmina was able to easily bring you to hatch, and she could only tilt her head to the side and make a small, croaking sound as you smiled and thanked both her and her crows before jumping into the hatch.
This is one of the many moments Carmina laments no longer being able to create art. She'd love to immortalize the image of you smiling at her, surrounded by her crows.
THE CANNIBAL
Bubba is honestly torn when he spots you, because you look so afraid, cowering in fear at every little sound and struggling to repair a generator like the others had told you to. He understands your fear because it's something he's very familiar with.
And while he has a job to do, not wanting to disappoint the Entity, he can't help but find it hard to hurt you. No matter how hard it was, Bubba had no choice.
But when he approached you, you didn't run. Sure, you let out a startled shout, the generator blowing up in your face as you stared up at him like a scared animal, quietly begging him not to hurt you.
But you didn't run.
How could he hurt you when you weren't running from him? Everyone always ran. But not you. You weren't running from him, and he didn't know what to do about that.
Bubba's trouble was so very evident. He's always been an expressive person, so it wasn't hard to tell that this was stressing him out. His free hand kept clenching and unclenching his apron, and he kept making small noises in the back of his throat.
He doesn't want to disappoint the Entity, he doesn't. But he's not sure if he can hurt someone who's not running from him. You aren't running! He really likes that! The only people who never ran when he was around were his family!
The nail in the coffin is when you, even despite your fear, took a chance and set down the toolbox you were holding. You... you gave him a gift. Not one that he could use, but a gift nonetheless.
There was literally no way he could hurt you now the guilt would eat him alive. So, he just opts to leave you be to instead focus on the other survivors. He wouldn't feel guilty hurting them.
The entire trial, Bubba focuses all of his attention on getting rid of the other survivors. If he sees you, he gets all nervous and can't even look at you for long without babbling incoherently before scurrying away.
Some of the other survivors may pick up on Bubba's strange avoidment of you, and may even use that to their advantage by running by you in chase because Bubba just... he can't hurt you, I'm sorry.
He's swinging his chainsaw, and then suddenly Kate is running by you and he's coming to a full stop out of fear of accidentally hurting you.
It really stresses him out, and even though you're still scared of him, and even though he's supposed to be killing you, you can't help but feel bad. So whenever the other survivors got a little too close when Bubba was chasing them, you always made sure to stay out of his way.
It's okay to be a bad teammate because it's Bubba.
Jokes aside, Bubba takes his job as a killer very seriously. He may avoid hurting you, but he makes quick work of the other survivors.
And when hatch opened right next to Bubba after killing the third survivor, he took it as a sign from the Entity that he was meant to give it to you. Why else would it open next to him?
Bubba was ever the gentleman when he brought you to hatch, guiding you to it carefully and making sure you didn't trip on any debris littered across the area.
He even scared off a few judgmental crows! He knew how off-putting it was to have them watching you all the time, especially when you're new in the fog.
And when you quietly thank him, smiling at him as if he weren't a killer, Bubba was just over the moon.
It's been so long since he's had someone to protect. The fog is a scary place to be but he'll do his best to make it a happy place whenever you two are in a trial together.
Оставайся здесь. - Stay here. Иди, кролик. - Go, rabbit. 짜증나. - How annoying.
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starboye · 2 months ago
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Kinktober Day 15
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starring: bellamy blake x male reader
request: bellamy blake x thick fem boy reader, where everyone is having a party with drinking and dancing, and bellamy see reader dancing with other men and they keep grabbing his big ass bc it’s so big. so bellamy takes reader away and fucks that ass (also some face sitting 😏)
warnings: smut, cursing, rough sex, face sitting, mentions of alcohol, grinding, ass grabbing, ass slapping, cum eating, unprotected sex, creampie, femboy!reader
directors cut: hey frien- oop did you do something different with your hair, or is it a new skincare routine because your skin is glowing, am i buttering you up to make you forget about the fact im behind on these kinktober stories.... obvi no why would i ever do such a thing... was it working though
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you were irresistible, the way you danced with everyone else had bellamy thinking thoughts that should not be heard by anyone let alone you, but he couldn't control his find with the way you dressed, your shorts riding up your ass which left little to nothing to imagination.
and damn did he love the way you moved your body around the campfire, bottle of alcohol in hand, taking messy swigs from it from time to time, but what instantly ruined the mood was when some random dude came up behind you and started touching up on you.
that should be him so why does this fuck bag get to grab on your ass and may i say luscious thighs, he was getting way to close for comfort also, he was basically fucking you through his clothes, seeing as this didn't sit right with bellamy he walked over and snatched you away from the party and dragged you to a nearby tent.
"bellamyyyy what the fuck i was just having fu-" your cut off by his lips crashing against your and him taking off your tight shorts to reveal your wobbly ass, it was like putty in his hands or like a water balloon with the way it jiggled in his hands "you gonna just stand there and look or are y'gonna get to work" bellamy smirked and you got to work in taking off his shirt and yours but struggled with his pants.
those goddamn buttons were so hard to get off it was annoying both of you so bellamy just opted to keep them on and unzip them to slide his cock through, and with that the moaning soon began, bellamy fucking you into the ground with hard thrusts, there wasn't much cushioning between the blanket you had under you and the ground so with the hardening thrust so came the hurting back.
"fuck bellamy, go a little softer i am still on the ground" you strain out through thrusts "would you like me to fuck you doggy style till you have no feeling in your legs" bellamy asks roughly with deep grunts making you shake your head no "then shut up" he growls as his hands tighten around the blanket under you.
your eyes were flicking to the back of your head with every thrust he made, punching a moan out of you every time, it was hard to even stay sane when you had a cock like his splitting your hole in two like a fucking piece of wood but god did you love it, it felt so good, his strong body on top of yours while he fucked you was like seeing the mona lisa.
oh but bellamy, well he just loved the way your hole fit him nicely, and the way your ass recoiled with every plap heard but drowned out by the partying and singing from the group further away "only if the group saw you now hm taking my cock like a fucking slut, so pretty" he snarled slapping your as harshly, your whole body jolting to the pain but it also kinda turned you on more.
more just enough to cum, all your cum landing in a puddle on your stomach "you tighten up when you cum, did you know that" bellamy laughs at your slightly dazed state "yeah thanks bill nye the fucking science guy" you joke "fuck im gonna cum" bellamy suddenly grunts and for a split second you can feel him about to pull out so you lock your legs around his waist.
and before his brain can even clock what you did he cums, he eyes rolling into the back of his head as he does so, it just felt so good i mean how could he contain it "slut" bellamy mutters slowly pulling out of your messy hole "i know you are but what am i" you laugh making him grab your face to kiss you before plopping down next to you.
he suddenly gained an idea in the dull head of his "sit on my face" he bluntly asks "what" you shaken by the request "sit on my fucking face" bellamy asks again and if it mean shutting him up then yes please, you straddle your legs to the side of his head and fully sit on his face, all your weight pressed down on him like if he was a chair.
to him he was in heaven, tongue poking at your hole and exploring your depths as he ate you out literally, he sucked and swallowed the cum from your hole like a five star meal before lifting you off him for some air "now that's what im talkin' about" he excitedly said, seems like this was going to be a reoccurring thing from now on
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taglist:@mailmango@spermeboy@ghostking4m@gayaristocrat@addictedtomalepits@staarb0y@crispysoup318@its-ares@gargoylesworld09@kadenvatsune@fuckshft
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wcnderlnds · 3 months ago
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stupid for you | peter maximoff
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SUMMARY: you and peter fall out and he makes it up to you in his own peter way WORD COUNT: 928 WARNINGS: some swearing. A/N: idk what this is but writing peter is my fave so he gets all my dumb ideas ❤️ p.s. if the format sucks it’s bc im mobile.
It wasn’t like Peter had meant to upset you. Sometimes his mouth didn’t have a filter and he said things before even thinking about it so when he called you ‘annoying and needy’, he really didn’t mean it. He wasn’t that guy. He wasn’t the type of person to ever want to upset you or anyone for that matter. So when he’d seen you walk away hurt and upset, that had sent him right into action. He just had to make it up to you — make you see how important you really were to him. It gnawed at him inside that he’d been the one to make you feel that way. Never before had he ever felt so bad. So guilty.
He’d spent the whole day trying to think of what he could do to apologise then suddenly the idea hit him. Maybe it was a little stupid, maybe you’d completely hate it but he thought it’d be cool. Different. It’d be something him.
Meanwhile, you’d spent the day moping around the X-Mansion. The training session you’d had earlier had helped distract your mind but as soon as it was over, your thoughts drifted back to Peter. The fight the two of you had had been so stupid. All you’d done is made some comment about Peter needing to slow down for a minute and listen to you and it had spiralled from there. It wasn’t often the two of you argued. In fact, you never really had. In the whole six months you’d been dating things had been going smoothly. Things had been so easy going, so fun — it wasn’t really a surprise that something was bound to happen to ruin that. When things were going good there was always something that had to come along and mess it all up.
With a sigh, you started to head upstairs to your room when suddenly a blur of silver and blue rushed past you. Before you could even blink Peter was stood right in front of you, his hands hidden behind his back. Your arms wrapped around yourself as you looked at him. “Hi.”
Your nerves were mirrored in his face as he spoke. “Hey. Uh…”
The silence fell between you. It was awkward — something that didnt happen often when it came to you and Peter. Just as you were about to open your mouth to say something he began talking.
“Okay, just let me talk for a minute before I chicken out. I’m not good at this shit. I’m not the best at filtering the stuff that comes out of my mouth. That’s why I’m always getting myself in trouble. You know that but the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. You gotta believe me on that one. If I could, I’d punch myself in the face. I mean, I could but… I can’t break the goods, y’know?” He laughed lightly, trying to ease the tension.
“It’s my fau-“
“Gonna have to stop you there, babe,” he said as he pulled one of his hands from behind his back and held it up to signal you to stop. “Can’t have you taking the fall on this one. It’s all me. A Maximoff fuck up special. That little switch people have in their brain where they tell themselves to shut up before they say something dumb? Yeah, turns out mine is broken. Probably wasn’t born with one actually. I’m not letting you feel bad for this. It’s all on me, okay? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”
A small smile tugged at your lips. “It’s okay. You really don’t have to apo-“
“I do, I really do, though. Felt bad the second I said what I said. You’re not annoying and I love when you’re clingy. I love you wanting to be around me as much as I want to be around you. You caught me on one of those rare days where I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe Scott even pissed in my cereal or something, who knows. Point is that I messed up.”
“Are you gonna stop cutting me off?” You asked, an amused look on your face as you listened to your boyfriends rambling.
“Oh shit, sorry. My bad. The floor is yours.”
“What I was trying to say was that you don’t need to apologise because I forgive you anyway. We’re gonna mess up sometimes and I know you didn’t mean it. It was just hearing it come from you that upset me, I guess. Anyone else I could take it but you? Your opinions and thoughts about me matter the most. Can we just forget about it and move on?”
“Sure, yeah… but first…” he finally pulled his hand from behind his back to produce a Lego bouquet of flowers. “These are for you and lemme tell you, it was hell trying to put this together.”
“…you got me Lego flowers?”
“Duh. This way they last forever and you won’t have to worry about watering them and you can always remember the time your boyfriend was a dumbass.”
You laughed, taking them from him. “How long did it take you to put it together?”
“Might have cheated and used the ol’ mutation but I kept messing up. Some of the pieces wouldn’t fit where I wanted them to and I almost got mad and thr-“
“There’s instructions, you know.”
“Are you gonna stop cutting me off?” He grinned, hands on his hips as he echoed your words from earlier.
”Smartass.”
“And don’t you forget it.”
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nayomi247 · 8 months ago
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I cant believe like... no one in the fandom has done a post like this yet that I can find?? It seems like a staple, and Im sending it here cause your wonderful and need more requests mwuah (´ з `)
What do you think would be some of the Hazbin Crew's ideal s/o? Like, what would attract them/get their attention initially, what they would need in a longtime partner, that type of thing! I would LOVE if you did Lucifer, Alastor, and Vox (my BOYS *sobs*) but feel free to do anyone and everyone you want to!
Their Ideal S/O
A/N: Thank you for this lovely request mwah😙 Also I sprinkled in other hcs to that I thought of while writing this
Pairing: Lucifer/Reader, Alastor/Reader, & Vox/Reader
Work under the cut🤞🏻
I feel like this man would love a clingy lover. Please always hold his hand. Sit on his lap while he does his work. Cuddle him to sleep at night. He LOVES physical touch.
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Lucifer:
He'd also want a person he can spoil. He wants you to know he cares. He shows this by gift giving; (another one of his love languages) anything in his power is yours for the asking, you just name it!
As for looks, he wouldn't really care about those. He loves you for who you are.... THOUGH, if you were tall, he'd like to be topped by you. Or if you were short, he would tease you for that and act all proud bc he's taller than someone.
The thing that initially attracted him though was your smile. He always adored it. Just seeing you laugh and be happy always made his heart flutter.
He wants someone who can take care of him. He's a very needy man and is almost like a toddler to some degree. Of course he could do this stuff himself, but it makes him feel better knowing that you're willing to do it for him.
If you're gonna be with him, you have to be nice to Charlie. That's non negotiable. He doesn't want to put you in a spot where you feel like you have to parent her, of course not. All he wants is for his 2 favorite people to get along.
He needs someone who's willing to commit to the relationship as much as he is. He's still a bit hurt from Lilith, and he's trusting you to not break his heart like she did. He would be crushed.
Alastor:
He isn't one to like physical touch very much. Maybe a peck on the cheek here, holding hands a bit there, but other than that he doesn't want to be touched. Don't get me wrong, he loves you a lot! But he's not really the.. touchy type.
I see him more as lover that would like words of affirmation or quality time. Just your presence alone is enough for him. Though if he's with a clingy partner, he'll probably get them a plushy or something of the sort to hug and cuddle when he's in his 'no touch mood'.
He'd like if if you could cook. You could help him prepare jambalaya and other dishes his mom showed him to make. It'd be a great bonding experience.
Like Lucifer, he doesn't care much for looks. As long as you're willing to commit to him as he does for you, then it doesn't matter to him what you look like.
To be completely honest, he doesn't know exactly why he loves you or even fell for you in the first place. But he does, and did. Who is he to question that?
Vox:
This man is also a big physical touch lover. He always has his hand on your thigh, holding your hand, or just touching any place he can.
Please let him spoil you. You'd always have the latest phone and other tech like that. If you want something, he'd be glad to give it to you.
He wants someone that's loyal to him and only him. If he sees anyone else trying to flirt with you (*cough cough* val) he'd go absolutely insane. You are his.
If you could cook, he'd always love to eat your meals, breakfast lunch and dinner. Would 100% brag to the other Vees when he has lunch.
He'd prefer it if you're good with tech. He wants to be able to brainstorm ideas with you and show off his latest inventions. Also it would make it 10x easier to clean his system if you were the one to do it.
He cares more about looks than the other 2, but it's not a deal breaker for him. He'd like it if you were good looking (You're beautiful no matter what though ofc) but it's not a need. Regardless, he'd still call you beautiful and his pretty thing
He fell for you because of your of your personality. The way you walk about and present yourself. You take bullshit from anyone, you know your worth. Much as he does. You're like him, you both understand each other. That's why he sought out your love.
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I'm sorry if this exactly what you hoped it would be, I know I added a few random things but I hope you like it regardless :]
Once again thank you for the ask<3
{Taglist}
@wonderlandangelsposts
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atalana · 3 months ago
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so i finally got the chance to read the book of bill! and man those journal 3 pages, i could write a million essays on those, but the principle one that i can't get out my head is the new insight on ford's whole fucked up paradigm of what love is
like, neither of the stan twins really know how to experience unconditional love, because they never really had it. their dad was constantly comparing the two of them and really just stamping down stanley's self worth at any given moment. and even for ford who was praised, he's not an idiot, he saw how stan got treated all the time, and their dad was very explicit as to why. ford's praise and attention hinged on him being the family genius who could make them all a lot of money, and he knew very well if he failed to live up to that, he would also lose his father's love
and you see this in stan in his desperate need for everyone to like him, but also how he doesn't really believe anyone ever truly could love him, so whenever he gets the chance with anyone he clings onto that relationship as tight as he can, terrified it's going to disappear at any second
ford, meanwhile. the more direct threat to him was the bullies and the people that made him feel lesser for being abnormal. and no kid likes feeling like that, we know it's a spike buried deep in his psyche, which gave him a reason for the dichotomy he ends up forming.
when he was a kid, people tended to fall into two categories - those who were really impressed with him and his potential, and those who saw him as a freak and wanted to drag him down for it. the love he got and the hate he got are directly related to both.
and as a result ford is constantly looking for people who will give him intellectual gratification (what he thinks love is), and he categorises everyone else as "unimportant obstacles in my way" (because that's how he thinks about those bullies, so their words won't hurt anymore)
stanley was the first category, until he sharply became the second
and splitting the world into those two categories makes him an absolutely horrible person! like, one hand yeah, you do have sympathy for ford bc that is straight up torture bill put him through and no one should have to experience it (and i do wanna make clear this is not a ford hate post, he does have good qualities im just interested in the bad rn)
on the other hand though, god, i'm always struck by just how hateful he is towards so many unimportant things (just one of many examples, christmas songs are fake and stupid bc rudolph didn't burn santa's workshop to the ground as revenge for ostracizing him like jesus christ dude)
or the bit where he sees one of stan's shitty product ads and considers calling him and pretending to be a cop just to scare him, because in ford's mind that's a punishment he deserves for daring to look so stupid while sharing ford's face
and it just drills in how much ford is not willing to see stan's side of this in any way, because what do you think would happen if you went through with that plan? don't you know stan's already scared enough? you saw him get kicked out, you saw the ultimatum that came with it, and hell thanks to the book of bill we know you were also scared to go home until you had something to show for it. he's trying his best, and you understood that once. but then stan throws your journal back in your face and you yell that you're giving him the chance to do the first worthwhile thing in his life.
everything he did to try and make something of himself, to try and prove himself worthy of literally any love at all, you didn't care about that. now he's in a position to help you, so of course he should just drop everything and obey your orders to the letter without question. that's the only way to redeem himself for getting in your way, why won't he take it?
by the time bill shows up ford felt fully justified in going "this isn't about me, and therefore it's stupid and unimportant and should be destroyed". and i know exactly why, it's because again you think intellectual gratification and love are the same thing and you're running low on both right now so you're trying to make up the difference by affirming how right you are in your goddamn diary, but right does not make you good or kind or wise
and that makes it kind of a self fulfilling prophecy, because loving you is hard, and the one person genuinely willing to do so unconditionally you're keeping at a very aggressive arms length. but you fall for bill so easily, because he understands how important you are, which must be love, and all of these other people worried about you just aren't smart enough to get it
and not even realising bill's lies could cure him of that one. hell, 30 years spent dimension hopping didn't cure it. when ford gets back he is still just as self righteous, and still willing to categorise dipper as "will give me intellectual gratification" and the rest of them as intrinsically less valuable
which is why dipper can't take the deal ford offered him. if he had, he would have turned out exactly like ford, stuck in his own echo chamber unable to tell the difference between love and praise
mabel says at one point in the comics that the reason the two grunkles are bad at looking after kids is because they still are kids, and that's a really accurate insight. that old wound cut so deep neither of them had the chance to actually move past their childhood, and discover what it was they were missing
stan never stopped wanting his brother back, but ford didn't realise that was what he needed too, until he saw mabel and dipper working as a team against bill. he's acknowledged his mistake in trusting bill before now, but "we used to be like that" is his first time acknowledging that his whole approach to people is wrong.
you've always had one source of unconditional love. you didn't need to be better than him to be worthy of it. and now you've got an entire new family, hopefully you'll realise that can come from multiple fronts
(and it's okay stan shall have his revenge for how you treated him by commiting just. so much tax fraud in your name)
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cosmal · 2 years ago
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you said hurt/comfort? maybe reader always gave to much of themselves in relationships (like they buy a lot of gifts, they’re the first one asking to hang out, stuff like that) and never had as much effort in return (w their ex partner for example idk) and when james (who’s love languages i hc are all) gives as much effort as reader does, and like buys them gift without reason, reader is just crying bc omg someone cares about me
this was really about me lmao i need comfort and very long sorry
pasta
summary no one has ever cooked you dinner before. james fixes that for you.
content james potter x fem!reader
note this req is literally from nov but i wrote it like two months agar and never posted im so sorry. also combined with this! request.
James bursts through your door with a mouthful of apologies already on his tongue.
"Sorry, I tried to knock but my hands were full!" he says breathlessly, holding a ridiculous amount of bags in his hands, mumbling sorry's for scaring you.
You stand at the bottom of your hallway with a hand held to your chest. "You okay? Do you need a hand?"
"Don't move a muscle," he says firmly when he reaches the kitchen bench, heaving his groceries up onto the marble with a groan. You move your hand to your lips to stifle a laugh.
"I don't want to be rude," you move to stand next to him at your kitchen island, "but what are you doing here?" You say it with a softness. He usually calls or messages you before he shows up at your flat.
"We made plans, remember," he says smiling. He kisses you on the side of your head before composing himself, starting to unpack the bags.
"I went to Morrison's and bought a bunch of stuff. Thought I'd cook you dinner." You did make plans, they were your idea. You didn’t expect him to do anything for you, you expected to maybe take him to the park for lunch or something.
"Oh," you say lightly.
You watch as he unpacks. Cloves of garlic, parsley, thickened cream, fettuccine, eggs, and pancetta. It looks like all the helpings for a carbonara. There's a Sara Lee chocolate bavarian sat to the side with frosted ice all over the cardboard that you assume is dessert. You've only been together for a few months and you're yet to have a homecooked meal together.
You're sure you've never had anyone cook you dinner before. Not without a reason or a special occasion. You worry suddenly that you've forgotten an important date.
You hum and smile along as James buzzes around the kitchen with enough energy to power a small country. You fret that you're tamping down his good mood but you're trying to remember your anniversary. And the first time you kissed. The first time you met. For a second you think you've forgotten your birthday.
He says something to you and you crack an uneven smile.
"Sweetheart?" he says again. He stops where he's got the side of his knife pressed into a head of garlic.
You blink. "Sorry, what did you say?'' You try to hide your emotion. Your voice is scratched with dread and you bite down into your lip to stay calm.
"I asked you how your day was," he repeats, setting the knife on his chopping board. He's grated half a block of cheese while you've been stuck in your head. You hope you haven't embarrassed yourself.
"Have I missed something?" you ask, voice drenched in worry. You hide your hands under the kitchen bench where you pick at your nails.
"Hmm?" he hums, eyebrows pinched together.
"You're cooking me dinner," you say, James's confusion worsens, "Is there a special reason?"
"Not really," he shrugs all blasé. This makes it worse. You don't understand.
"Then why..."
"Did you already have plans?" James worries, smile faltering. His confusion warps into something like embarrassment. "Sorry, honey, I didn't even ask."
"No, Jamie, it's not that!" you backtrack, feeling more awful than before. You just feel out of your own depth. "I've just never..."
He moves around the bench to stop where you're sitting on one of your bar stools. Your knees press into his thighs he's so close. "What's the matter?"
You grab his hands before you pick your nails raw. You think about hiding your embarrassment in his chest but decide against it. If you get too close to him you might forget bout the entire reason you're upset. You'd rather it that way but you're sure he wouldn't.
"I've never had someone cook for me," you admit quietly. You warm with a prickling heat and squirm in your rickety bar stool.
"Oh," he says, all sullen. "Well, that won't do."
You look up at him and worry you look pathetic. He cracks a smile and you're sure it's on your behalf. "What?"
"No one ever has cooked for you?" he asks. He's not rubbing in, he sounds shocked
"No," you say. You sound stupid, you're sure you look it too. You want to crawl up into a ball.
"Y/N, I know you've had boyfriends before." He knows about your past relationships and how they weren't the best. But surely they'd at least made you dinner. James overestimates them sorely.
"They never did any of this stuff for me," you sniffle. The first tear is a shock and then James is looking at you all upset and confused and the next one isn't as startling.
He wraps his arms around your back and holds you close to his chest quicker than you can reach to wipe your face. He presses slow and hot kisses into the top of your head and your tears worsen. They're sticky and thick, his cotton shirt catches the brunt of your embarrassment.
"I'm sorry," you mumble with the side of your face smooshed into his firm chest. It's too grounding and your tears don't slow like you wish they would.
"Hey, don't be," he says, smoothing a hand down your trembling back, "You deserve things."
You don't say anything, rubbing your cheek against his shirt. He tuts. "You deserve a relationship with effort, Y/N."
You hiccup. "I've never had someone care about me like you do."
James holds you so close you worry you're hurting him. He turns his head until his cheek is pressed into your hair and takes a breath. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be," you say and try not to disturb where he's resting on top of you. You like it more than you should. "It's okay."
"It's not."
"It is," you sniffle and pull yourself from his hold. He lets you go though with a hesitance. "It is because now I've got you."
James finally cracks a smile. "Right," he sniffles to compose himself, "right and I'm about to make you the best carbonara of you life."
"I'm excited." You wipe the remnants of your upset from your cheeks and smile wetly.
"Good."
James sets to work. Buzzing around the kitchen after he'd plugged his phone into your sound system. Shuffling the playlist he made a week into your relationship. He sings his heart out, stirring whatever it is he's got going on in the pan.
You sit at the edge of the bench with the biggest smile on your face when he starts to serenade you. Wooden spoon held to his mouth, he sings an awful rendition of Lay All Your Love On Me by ABBA. You laugh so hard you think you might be too sick to eat the pasta.
Later on that night when you're too full to move, James slides a box across the table and says, "I also got you this." With the prettiest grin you've ever seen.
You're overwhelmed with love for you to be upset. Your boyfriend is lovely and you think you might be the luckiest girlfriend on the planet.
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seeingivy · 2 years ago
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the scouts
roommate eren x f!reader 
eren’s hometown friends have a lot to say. vis a vis you. 
**find the series masterlist here
content warning: galliard slander, irritable bowel syndrome, mikasa don’t gaf, connie and sasha are thieves, lying??, carla yeager being a sunshine, eren being a cheeky little shit, laxatives 
an: alright. feast my children. pls keep ur little memes and drawings and funny comments coming bc I love them (and they incentivize me to write chapters faster so I can seem more of them LOL) - also @togemayo and @rebeccawinters your connie and reiner cameos have ARRIVED, love you da mostest 
previous part linked here
“There’s no way in fucking hell you called me about this. I am a grown man, with a child. I’m above stupid shit like this.” 
“Fuck you, Galliard. Pieck would help me with this, you know that.” 
“Then call her. I’m going to block you.” 
“You don’t think I tried that? I would never willingly talk to you, like ever. Please, Galliard, just tell me what to do.” 
“Twerp, you’re giving him a necklace, not proposing marriage. You’re not going to look desperate if you walk to a fucking soccer field and just to give it to him.” 
“Okay. Are you sure?” 
“I’m hanging up now.” 
“Like really. You’re not just saying that, are you?” 
“Don’t call me unless you’re dying. And even then, you better have tried every other person you know before you ever dial this number again.” 
Static. Fucking asshole hung up on you. 
Eren has a soccer game today. He’d let you know early on in the week that he wouldn’t be here to make breakfast for you on Friday because his family and a few of his hometown friends were coming to watch the game. Apparently, this game was a really big deal - some type of rivalry type thing with another university. 
You weren’t going. Obviously. You had stopped going the second Hitch took your jersey, because it was too embarrassing to think about going now. I mean what are you even supposed to wear now? And what’s the point of going if Eren’s with her and she’s going to be there? 
Yet here you are, waiting in the line outside of the stadium. Everyone around you is decked out - forest green shirts, face paint, streamers - and you can already tell that this game is way more intense than the ones you had been to. In the past, it would be you and maybe five other people in the stands, spread out doing homework. But this game looks like it’s going to be packed. 
All the more reason to do this. 
to jean-boy
you: hey. are you at the game today? 
jean-boy: yeah. on the field with min. they’re all warming up. 
you: i didn’t realize this game would be such a big deal lol. 
jean-boy: yeah. I think everyone’s kind of anxious. eren hasn’t made a single goal all morning and he’s getting more pissed each time he tries 
you: doesn’t help that he left his necklace at home 
jean-boy: the key necklace? did you bring it? 
you: yeah. that’s why im here. i remember he said something about like he always loses games or gets hurt or something when he doesn’t wear it. thought i’d bring it so i don’t have to help him to the toilet when he breaks his legs or smth. 
jean-boy: meet me in the back. ill let you in so you can give it to him. 
You awkwardly wait in the back of the stadium, teetering on your heels as you wait for Jean. You’re just giving him his necklace. It doesn’t mean anything. He won’t know that you like him because you’re just giving him his good luck charm. You’re being a good friend. Anyone in your position would do this. 
“Hey.” 
“Hi Jean.” 
“What are you wearing?” 
You look down, only now paying attention to the outfit that you were wearing. You didn’t think it was that bad - black jeans and a blue cardigan. 
“Why? What’s wrong with it?” 
“You wore the rival's colors.” 
“Okay? Arrest me, Jean.” 
“No, it’s like a thing. You can’t wear the rival's colors. Armin and Eren are going to make you change the second you get on the field.” 
“You guys are so superstitious. It’s just a shirt.” 
He shakes his head as you both walk through the door, pacing across the turf as he sets out to look for Eren. All the players are running on the field, kicking balls in between each other, hitting them into the nets. You spot Eren at the end, his head in his hands as he talks to Armin on the side. 
“Hey. Found him. You can go back, I’ll just give it to him and leave.” 
He nods, leaving your side as you make your way over there. You walk up just in time to catch the end of Armin and Eren’s conversation, your ears burning. You shouldn’t have come. 
“How do you know you love Annie? Because, sometimes I think I love her, Armin.” 
You can pretend like that one didn’t sting. You clear your throat, the two of them turning their backs to look at you. You watch Eren’s eyes nearly boggle out of their sockets as Armin drops the water bottle he was holding, at the sight of you standing there. Armin awkwardly walks away as Eren walks up, his eyes still flashing in shock. 
“What are you doing here?” 
“What happened to hello? How are you? My name is?” 
“How much did you hear?” 
“None of it. Did I miss something important?” 
You see his shoulders relax, pushing out a sigh of relief. First he calls you his best friend and then he can’t even tell you he thinks he might love Hitch?
“Yeah, you almost heard about my murder plot. It all started that fateful day, when I let you move into my apartment.” 
“That was months ago. Surely the opportunity must have presented itself. Knife to the back in the shower…smack me across the head with a frying pan…” 
“I’m playing the long game. You’ll never see it coming.” 
You both laugh, with you rolling your eyes as the silence settles around you too. You can see the stands filling up at your sides, the anticipation building in the stadium. 
“Um so-” 
“What are you wearing, Y/N?”
“We’re not doing this, Eren.” 
“You have to change. Like now.” 
“I’m not walking around in my tank top, Eren. It’s cold. And I’ll leave anyway, I just came to give you this.” 
You hold the key necklace up, dangling it between the two of your faces. You watch his eyes light up as he takes the necklace from your hands. He then cups your face in his hand and presses a kiss to your fucking forehead, before putting his arms around you and spinning you in the air.
“Oh my fucking god, thank you. You brilliant, brilliant girl. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve been missing goals all morning.” 
Your brain is malfunctioning. You’ve literally picked up Eren from parties in the dead of the night and he’s barely even said thank you when you did that. This is all it takes? A fucking necklace and he gives you a forehead kiss? 
He sets you down, still flashing you a bigger than big smile as he latches the necklace on. 
“You’re not missing goals because you weren’t wearing the necklace.” 
“Yes. I was. We’re not having this argument right now, especially when you’re wearing that. I have something you can wear.” 
You hear Armin walk up, holding two jerseys in his hand. 
“Way ahead of you. She can wear mine or yours. Everyone else put their spares in their lockers already.” 
“Mine. Thanks Armin.” 
“Don’t tell me you believe in this too, Armin?” 
“Just put it on. If you don’t, Eren will blame you if the game goes wrong.” 
Armin walks away, leaving the two of you standing again. Eren’s holding the jersey out in front of you, waiting for you to put it on. 
“Full disclosure. I will blame it on you, if we lose kitty.” 
“It’s just a color.” 
“No. No, it’s the principle. Think about it. My girl can’t be wearing the rival colors on our sides of the stands. That’s just a bad omen..like we’re asking to lose the game or something.” 
My girl. 
“I’m leaving, Eren. I just came to give you the necklace.” 
He puts his hands on your waist, spinning you around to turn you towards the stadium, where everyone was sitting. He leaves one hand on there, his other sliding down to your wrist. 
“What are you doing?” 
He lifts your hand up, shaking it in front of the stadium. 
“This isn’t the time for a puppet show, Eren.” 
“Look at the second row, towards the middle.” 
You squint your eyes, scanning the entire row. And then you fucking see it. Eren’s parents and his brother. He’s making you wave at them. And they’re doing it back, nearly jumping to return the gesture.
“Eren.” 
He spins you back around and he fucking smirks at you. 
“You waved at them. Now, they’re going to expect you to go sit with them. For the entire game, mind you. Meaning you’re staying, so you should put it on.” 
Asshole. 
“Unless you want to leave my mom hanging?” 
“Give me the jersey, Eren.” 
He flashes you a winning smile, clearly delighted with his victory. You unbutton the ends of the cardigan, slipping it off and switching it with Eren’s jersey. He reaches forward, pulling out the ends of your hair that were tucked into the jersey as you smooth it against your clothes. 
“So.” 
“So.” 
“Win your game or whatever. Without the help of your stupid necklace.” 
“Planning on it, peaches. Necklace and all.” 
He pokes the side of your cheek and flashes you one last smile as he runs back onto the field, right in front of the goal. You watch as he centers the ball in front of him, kicking it into the net on the first try. He turns to the side, pointing at you after making the goal, as he mouths four words.
I told you so. 
You tap Zeke on the shoulder, the three of them turning their heads towards you. 
“Hi. Mind if I sit with you guys?” 
The three of them jump up - Grisha shaking your hand very excitedly, Zeke crushing you in a hug, and Carla cupping your face in her hands, pressing a kiss on both of your cheeks. 
So this is where Eren gets it from. 
“We’re so excited you came, sweet girl. We were hoping you would find your way over here when we saw you on the field.” 
You nod, Carla squeezing your hands in hers (another thing Eren gets from her, you’re sure of it). You settle in the seat next to Zeke, brushing your sweaty palms against the ends of your pants. You can see the game is starting as they all take their places on the field, Eren giving the four of you one last wave. You look at the group of people seated directly to your right, the four of them waving back at him too. 
And then you remember. Eren’s hometown friends came down to watch his game. 
You take in the sight of the four of them. You can recognize the girl at the end, farthest from you. Mikasa - Eren’s childhood best friend, the two of them and Armin were inseparable. The two in the middle you recognize as well, from the polaroid that Eren had in his wallet. They’re both arguing with each other - with him pulling her hair and her elbowing him in the sides. The fourth boy is entirely unrecognizable to you - broad shoulders, short, messy blonde hair. 
You tap him on the shoulder. 
“Hi. You’re one of Eren’s hometown friends, right? My name is Y/N. I’m his roommate.” 
At the sound of this, the four of them turn their heads, turning to face you. 
“His roommate? Since when?” 
“Yeah. We’ve been living together since the start of the semester.” 
“Reiner, there’s no way in hell right? He kept going on and on about how he was going to finally have a bachelor pad this semester.” 
“There’s no fucking way. He literally hated having a roommate. Remember when he threw up on Samuel’s bed on purpose when he was drunk?” 
Mental note, Reiner’s the one with the blonde hair. The three of them turn their heads towards Mikasa, who's still watching the game. You’re not sure when she showed up, but Annie’s sitting at her side - the two of them linking their arms together as they sit. Right. She must already know Mikasa since her and Armin have been dating for a while. 
“Mikasa. Did you know about this?” 
“He may have mentioned it once or twice to me, Connie.” 
Buzzed hair is Connie. Connie and the girl in the middle open up the space between them, gesturing for the two of you to sit between them. You don’t miss the look they give each other as you sit down, the two of them smiling deviously. 
“I’m Sasha.” 
“And I’m Connie.” 
“It’s nice to meet you guys, really.” 
They both smile, linking their arms with yours as they start staring at you more intently. 
“Say. Do you mind answering a few questions for us?” 
“Sure.” 
“How did Eren become your roommate?” 
“I kind of had these sucky roommates last semester. They kind of didn’t mention that they didn’t want to room with me anymore so I kind of switched around at staying at my friends place while I tried to look for an apartment. I couldn’t find one after a week and I met Eren at Armin’s and he offered.” 
You watch the three of them, Reiner leaning over now, widening their eyes at you. 
“He offered? To house you, a woman, another person, in his apartment, willingly?” 
“I mean, I think so? I think he might have felt bad or something. I’m not really sure why he did it.” 
“I might have an idea.” 
At Reiner’s comment, the three of them start giggling, like they’re all in on some joke you’re not quite sure of. 
“Do you like Taylor Swift, Y/N?” 
“I do, Connie. Is it that obvious?” 
You feel Connie shaking your arm, nearly jumping out of his seat. 
“Me too. What’s your favorite album? Favorite song? Folklore or Evermore?” 
“Probably, Reputation. For the song, I think maybe Sweet Nothing? And definitely Evermore over here.” 
Reiner reaches over and smacks Connie on the back of the neck, mentioning he was getting off track. Off track of what? 
“Say. Have you ever…played Taylor Swift for Eren or something?” 
“Um, not exactly playing it for him but I kind of have a tendency to sing in the shower sometimes. But also, he did willingly watch the Reputation Stadium Tour without me prompting him to, so I think it’s growing on him.” 
At this, Connie and Sasha lean over, their faces a few feet from yours. 
“I fucking knew it. That playlist is about you.” 
“What playlist?” 
You watch Reiner pull out his phone, opening out his Spotify app. The three of them are still smirking - the same way Eren did when he trapped you into staying at the game. 
He hands you Eren’s Spotify profile, with exactly one playlist on it, called peaches. The picture is the one from when you and Eren went to see Kenny in the city, only your hands in view as you pet the cat the two of you saw on the street. 
You scroll through the playlist, with well over a hundred songs - most of them being Taylor Swift. They are organized by album, a few songs picked out from each one. Meaning, Eren went through each album and picked out the songs that he liked. Just because you said you liked Taylor Swift. I mean, it did have to be about you. It is called peaches. 
“So. Is it about you?” 
“Uh, yeah. I think so, Connie. Those are my hands. And he calls me peaches, because of my shampoo.” 
Mikasa leans over, interjecting in the conversation. 
“Did he make you switch it? The shampoo?” 
“Uh, no. I think he likes it?” 
“Hm.” 
Mikasa leans back, sharing a look with Sasha. 
“Is that a big deal or something, Connie?” 
“Kind of. Eren got really bad food poisoning from some peach flavored concoction Reiner made him once in high school. The smell makes him want to like vomit.” 
“It wasn’t a concoction, it was a protein shake. How was I supposed to know that dragon fruit was basically a laxative?” 
“We all told you. Like six times.” the three of them respond, rolling their eyes. 
Sasha and Connie unlink their arms from yours, turning their attention back to the game. The four of them interject once in a while, lost in their own conversations, but your head is still buzzing from the one that you had with them. 
Eren has a playlist. That he made for you. He spent hours probably - listening to each song, picking out the ones he liked. 
“Say. Did Eren ever mention us?” 
“Hm. Well, I knew about Mikasa - Armin and Eren have both mentioned her. And I’ve seen a picture of the two of you before, Eren has one in his wallet. But no Reiner, never mentioned you.” 
“We have his wallet.” 
Reiner taps Zeke on the shoulder and pockets the wallet from him. Sasha and Connie reach over, pulling out the dollar bills first - equally dividing the cash between the five of you and stuffing her share in her pocket - before returing it to Reiner, who pulls out both polaroids. 
This is when you realize your mistake. Because the polaroid of you kissing his cheek is still in his fucking wallet. You watch Reiner pull it out and hold it out in front of Connie and Sasha, the two of them shaking you in their arms as they all scream in your ears. 
“You guys are so cute! We fucking knew it. When did you start dating?” 
At the sound of that, you see Carla turn her head out of the corner of her eyes, slightly shuffling over to see what you two are talking about. And then your mistake gets even worse. Because then Carla runs over, kissing you twice on the cheeks again and literally bursting out of happiness at the news. 
“Oh, I’m so happy for you two. I knew something was going on. And I even told Eren, he better get a move on because a girl like you doesn’t stay single for long.” 
“You would be shocked, Mrs.Yeager.” 
She takes her hands into yours, squeezing twice again. Fucking Yeagers and their hand squeezing. It’s almost impossible not to like them. 
“Take care of our boy, okay?. He’s really sensitive and emotional, which I’m sure you know already but he means well. Really. And let him take care of you too. He’s told me that you’re a little bit more closed off at times, but he would never hurt you. He cares about you, so so much. It’s you two, on the same side, always.” 
And you can’t do it. You can’t tell her the truth because…she’s just so excited. So happy for the two of you. The way she’s holding your hands in hers, kissing your cheeks, doting over you. She’s so excited that it’s you. You don’t want to be the one to tell her that her son has no interest in you. 
So you don’t. 
“I will. Take care of him, I mean.” 
She smiles widely again, crushing you in your arms as he gives you another hug. 
Now you have to find Eren. And tell him that you just told your mom that the two of you are dating. 
-  
You find him at half-time, outside the locker room. He’s lying on the bench with two of his teammates, ice packs pressed to each of his foreheads. 
“Ren?” 
He immediately sits up at the sound of your voice, pulling the ice pack off his head as he stands up. He gestures towards the walkway, the two of you walking back down to the stadium. 
“Everything okay, kitty?” 
“Uh. I might have messed up.” 
He stops, turning to face you. 
“What did you do?” 
“Promise you won’t be mad, Ren?” 
“I could never be mad at you. You know that.” 
Right. Okay. Just tell him. That’s when you start rambling. 
“Well. I met your friends - they’re really nice. Connie and Sasha stole some of your money, though. And Reiner was basically telling me about how he gave you Irritable Bowel Syndrome with a peach smoothie he made you, which is weird because you call me peaches but they were insisting that you hate them. Right, so I told them that you keep a polaroid of them in your wallet - because it’s so cute and I would want to know if I was them -  and then they pulled your wallet out and the other polaroid was still in there. And then your mom saw and she was just being so…so sweet that I didn’t have the heart to tell her we weren’t really together.” 
He’s staring you down. Green eyes, forehead scrunched up, lips in a straight line. Stop paying attention to his fucking lips. 
“So. Let me get this straight. You told my mom that…we were dating?” 
“Yes.”
“That’s it?” 
“What? 
“I thought you killed someone or something. That’s not a big deal.” 
“How is that not a big deal? I just lied to your mother. And told her that we were dating.” 
“Yeah. I’d probably do the same thing if I was in your position. She probably gave you that whole lecture right, about how we need to take care of each other, how I’m all sensitive and emotional?” 
You’ve got to be kidding me. 
“Yeah. How’d you know? 
“She gave me the same one after she met you. Even I didn’t have the heart to tell her I wasn’t dating you. I just told her I liked you, that’s all.” 
“Oh. Okay. I was like freaking out about it.” 
He locks his fingers with yours, squeezing twice as the two of you continue to slowly walk. 
“It’s okay. I’ll deal with her. She just really likes you, that’s all. They all do.” 
“Okay. You sure it’s okay? You’re not secretly mad at me right?” 
He looks over, giving you a lopsided grin, the one that makes your heart skip a beat. 
“Really, kitty. I could never be mad at you. And I know you. There’s nothing nefarious going on up here.” 
He takes his fingers, tapping on your forehead. 
“How do you know? This could all be a part of my secret plot to be the new Mrs. Yeager.” 
“Bullshit.” 
You nudge into him, making him stumble to the side as you both make it to the front of the stadium. 
“And why’s that?” 
“Because. You wouldn’t need a secret plot if that’s what you wanted.” 
He taps the end of your nose before lifting the bar to run back on the field to finish the game, leaving you more confused than when you arrived here.
Stupid Galliard. He always gives terrible advice. 
next chapter linked here
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a-dauntless-daffodil · 5 months ago
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Something that I couldn't put into words but now I can about the Chaggie conflict in "Rosie" and one other reason it hurt: Charlie questioning Vaggie's loyalty. Yes, I know it wasn't because of Vaggie's origin but because of the lie itself but still hurts and clearly hurt Vaggie - she has been nothing but loyal and honest in Charlie's dream and has only ever done 1 lie in all of that. And when it's revealed, Charlie is now questioning everything - Again, I understand but it still hurts. And I know this might be redundant, I WANT this moment to come back again in S2. I don't know how but I want Vaggie to admit how angry/hurt it made her that Charlie questioned the loyalty she has given without asking for anything. What do you think?
i don't think Vaggie was even slightly angry with Charlie until her girlfriend made a magically binding pact with an unrepentant serial killer the second Vaggie wasn't looking XD
......we're asking a bit much by expecting the woman who hates and judges herself over her own mass murderer past... to then be upset that her girlfriend was also hurt and angry about that and reacted badly to randomly having all that dropped out of the clear blue sky in the middle of an already terrible day...
so in that ep got the vibe Vaggie spent the entire time feeling sick and guilty over the whole thing tbh. As usual
(and her feeling very very not good about seeing Alastor getting all creepy mentor with a Charlie who just got a wedge driven between her and her main emotional support- im 100% sure Vaggie's "Charlie can we talk-?" following Alastor's "good girl" thing was her wanting to know EXACTLY what deal her gf just made with Alastor and what the hell she was thinking and charlie are you sure Vaggie can't just stab him a little as a warning-)
But Vaggie, she's also not really uh. Not got a good track record of wanting or letting Charlie know about her feeling bad about stuff, emotions wise. Even when Charlie is right next to her reaching out. That's not her thing???
ah what the hell tangent time
like one big reason Vaggie DIDN'T fess up her past to Charlie was her being scared Charlie would be hurt by it and actually hate her for having done that, because Vaggie is being hurt by her past and hates herself for having it (re: every time she's called angels like herself deranged), so even though the blackmail against her made NO real sense and Adam's threat was just him not understanding that someone (charlie) could ACTUALLY believe in redemption for LITERALLY anyone (she does), it still pinged Vaggie's fear right in the heart, making the stuff like how Charlie is letting a known serial killer live in the hotel and help out with her and Vaggie's dream go RIGHT out the window-
(to be fair from Vaggie's pov there's probably a BIG difference between ending someone's mortal life on Earth (a la normal sinner seral killers) and presumably destroying their entire soul forever (re: exorcists) so like, that's kinda fair, but it still doesn't include how Charlie is WILLING TO WORK WITH AND THINK THE BEST OF HEAVEN AND THE EXORCISTS ANYWAY which is WHY she thought going to heaven to talk with them could work in the first place)
(to be extra fair it doesn't MATTER how much Vaggie trusts Charlie bc Vaggie had body parts ripped off and her eye permanently gouged out and was abandoned in hell by someone ELSE she use to trust once and THAT means really trusting people not to hate or abandon her is gonna take her putting some more blame on Adam and Lute and co and less on herself, because as long as she focuses on what SHE did (murderer) to make all this happen TO herself (filth like you doesn't deserve-) she's never gonna fully get that what happened to her was a choice shit people made (let's exterminate ppl for fun! let's rip off our comrade's wings and eye without hesitation!!!), one they didn't have to make, one she didn't make for them- meaning non-shit people like Charlie probably won't do that to her, actually, bc people like Charlie will care about Vaggie as a person outside of her being useful or being exactly what is wanted. Like how Charlie was more worried about Vaggie at the end of ep 3 than anything else and wouldn't let Vaggie blame herself and was fine with things being hard as long as she and Vaggie could face them together. Like how Charlie was calmed in the More Than Anything reprise not by Vaggie promising to fix everything but by Vaggie saying Charlie is important and wonderful to HER)
if anything Vaggie might be upset if she found out Charlie had less of a problem with the Exorcist thing than with the lying thing
If you (Vaggie) think you still need to EARN redemption, then having someone say your sins don't bother them so much can ironically make you panic and either think they're lying to you OR it can make you worry you've downplayed what you've done and are somehow tricking the person you love into believing you're a better person than you actually are and therefor might be taking advantage of them, which of course you don't want to do because you love them, which is a pretty big contradiction you probably won't notice is there
Sooooo i could see Vaggie spiraling into something like THAT but,
her be angry at Charlie for being upset over the thing Vaggie hates about herself? the mental health levels aren't good enough for that one yet XD
basically both Vaggie and Charlie got to live through the very fun experience of being trapped in your own head and trauma
anyway, the fact that Charlie didn't ask or want or LET Vaggie do an apology for any of that at the hotel gates says more than enough for me, for both of them. Just like with Vaggie putting her own fear and self-loathing onto Charlie, most of Charlie's pain in that ep didn't come from Vaggie's past or Vaggie's lie.
I've said Charlie's bad at figuring out what she's feeling and ep 7 is where it really bit her in the ass- she got hit with an identity crisis (turns out the one person who always believes in her didn't trust her enough to tell her this) (this on top of the epic fail of their shared dream to save sinners from extermination and the looming destruction of the hotel that represents that dream) and trauma trigger (what if Vaggie lied about all of that too, what if she never really loved or had faith in Charlie, what if Charlie is going to be alone again) without understanding that's what was going on or that it was something coming from herself as much as from Vaggie.
Being away from Vaggie didn't reduce Charlie's stress during that ep, it made it worse, until Rosie had to yoink her in for an emergency counseling session. Before that Charlie vents about how she told Vaggie everything and shared everything with her (the exorcist thing gets a TINY throwaway mention it is NOT the focus here) and when you add the lie revelation to how Vaggie asked to be alone on the roof in ep 3 instead of letting Charlie be there for her, it stops being about ONE lie TO Charlie, and turns into YEARS of lies ABOUT Charlie's place in Vaggie's life.
Which was terrifying and painful and... went away the MOMENT Charlie realized Vaggie did actual love her and believe in her, and was not actually going to leave her.
If actions mean more than words then their reunion at the hotel gates is them both saying the only thing either of them want to hear- I missed you, i love you, i want to be with you. Here's this horrible souvenir i picked up for your while we were on opposite sides of town and thanks babe im gonna fling myself into your open arms about it.
Vaggie hates herself too much to feel like Charlie owes her an apology for being hurt and angry at the Exorcist lie. It was a pretty big thing to keep hidden
i mean murder aside, Charlie had no idea Vaggie's opinions and advice about heaven was from personal experience, she probably assumed it was just normal sinner bias against the people who kill sinners and not, you know, Vaggie secretly dissing on how terrible her former boss and co-workers used to be. Maybe Charlie would've approached the talking to heaven differently if she'd known. Maybe she would've tried strangling Lute's hologram in ep 1. we will sadly never know
we DO know that Vaggie ran to hug Charlie right after the secret was revealed, which means Vaggie was mainly worried about Charlie being hurt by it, which doesn't really leave a lot of room for Vaggie to be upset at Charlie when Charlie does turn out to be hurt by it
so Vaggie wanting an apology from Charlie? I see her more wanting a very, very, VERY long hug
but if Charlie ever tries giving an apology anyway (a la the balcony scene in ep 3), that might just freak Vaggie out and fuck her up with "oh no my gf doesn't understand how bad the things i've done are am i tricking her am i using her would she be better off without me" issues for the foreseeable future ^w^;
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janovavalen · 11 months ago
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im gonna be like the little devil on your shoulder politely asking for grover fics (im the person who requested the hurt/comfort one :D) I WANNA SAY A) THE FICS FANTASTIC LOVED IT SM B) DO YOU ONLY WRITE FOR FEM READER?? ASKIN OUT OF CURIOSITY BECAUSE IM NON BINARY IF NOT TOTALLY FINE OBVI
now askin for another one because im silly like that grover x gn(if you do gn if not then fem obvi) reader angst. i want to feel pain AND TYSM FOR READING THIS AND SOING THIS IF YOU DO ILYSM FOR DOING GROVER /P 🫶🫶(ps sorry for making this rly long i have lots to say)
a/n: omg HIII i was hoping you liked it anon!! i literally was like ‘bro what if they hate this sm imma be mad embarrassed’ bc i was rubbing on coffee and water when i wrote that😭 BUT YES ILL TRY TO WRITE WHAT U ASKED FORR, i’m a little scared bc i never wrote gn reader before and i don’t wanna like fuck it up for anyone but i’ll try<3
✧I WISH YOU SAW YOURSELF HOW I SEE YOU || grover underwood x gn!reader
summary: when grover comes back from his quest with percy and annabeth, he can’t help but notice that y/n has grown closer and closer to luke, causing him a bit of worry for the two of them.
word count: 1237 (this was rushed bc i was trying to get something out to you guys in so sorryyy)
warnings: misunderstanding, HORRID CLUTCHING jealousy, reader not knowing, grover giving the cold shoulder, slight hurt but comfort and hugs in the end<3
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grover had just gotten back to one of his quests with annabeth and percy. and he was esthetic to get back to camp.
they meant everything to him. when they first met, they had been very quiet, reserved but polite and never ever put one in their place if needed. they didn’t take up bullying and they wouldn’t stop now.
when grover had met them however, they had been in the lake taking a small swim on the hot day, he had been there to just sit under the sun. which they allowed, the two of them didn’t talk until they had decided since they were both there and in the same camp, the two of them might as well know each other.
and from then on, they had been nonstop talking to each other, hanging out, laughing and chatting at all the meal times and sooner or later, grover felt his crush on them developing faster and faster. they had been eighteen, the prime age for an adult so he didn’t feel weirded out—even though they told him not to feel that way.
when he looked around for them, he found that they were nowhere to be found which concerned him a little. usually y/n is always waiting for him at the front of the cabin but this time, they weren’t ?
a little concerned he began to ask around for y/n, everyone saying they didn’t really know or they saw them just a second ago.
‘where could they be…’ he asked himself while turning around to look over his shoulder.
just as he walked near the bows and arrows and there they were. standing there with a wide warm smile on their face, only..they weren’t alone? once somebody moved away from where this mysterious person was there stood luke castellan. a wide smile on his own face while he shook his head at y/n who must have told a joke.
grover wouldn’t particularly care or mind in this situation but…he felt something was a bit different about the way y/n had been laughing. it was over excessive and a bit different then the way they laughed at him?
when y/n laughed at him—with him, they usually would look away or clear their throat, but with luke? they stayed their eyes locked and or they’d bend down to laugh while covering their mouth.
y/n usually didn’t cover their mouth with him. could this be a sign that he was in the friend zone the whole time.
clutching his hand into a fist next to his side he walked away, unknowingly to him, y/n had called out his name with a smile but it immediately dropped when he didn’t turn their way making y/n extremely confused a the tiniest bit of embarrassed at how they was ignored so openly.
ㆍ୨୧ㆍ
later that day at dinner time, y/n had happily made their way over to grover and percy who had been speaking but when she sat down he got quiet. started to pick at his horns very subtly but noticing to y/n.
‘uhm…so how did the quest go?’ y/n asked while looking over at percy who shrugged and to grover who didn’t look up.
‘i hope good?’ they said once more to get grover’s attention only for him to not even stop picking at his food. with a sigh of sadness, they grabbed their food and got up to another table with their siblings.
percy looked and was dumbfounded—‘grover? what was that?’
‘nothing?’ grover shook his head while frowning his eyebrows.
‘nothing? dude, you flat out ignored y/n and on top of that hurt their feelings? i thought you were all…on the side of doing nothing but making them happy?’ percy asked once more while setting his blueberries down.
‘okay…well, they seemed to have enough happiness with luke when they were talking…they can find happiness with him better than me apparently.’ he sighed while trying his hardest not to look over at y/n who’s mood had completely died at that table he sat at.
percy scoffed and rolled his eyes—‘are you kidding me? dude y/n is literally in love with you? and for you to think they like luke castellan more than you when they specifically stated they saw him as a brother and nothing more…is insane.’ percy finished shaking his head at grover who had sat up more and groaned.
placing his hands on his face while mentally beating himself up at the fact he treated y/n that way with no hesitation.
‘your kidding me…oh my’ grover mumbled while slowly looking over to y/n who wasn’t there. getting up in a hurry, grover went to ask luke, annabeth and the others sitting at the table with y/n where they went.
‘oh…they went to take a walk in the forest, said their head was hurting…you wouldn’t be the reason right…’ annabeth eyed him dangerously and warningly, making him hurry and shake his head but annabeth could see through him.
‘what did you do’ she groaned. grover sighed and explained leaving luke a bit speechless and annabeth to roll her eyes with a sigh.
‘well stop standing here any longer and go find her you pea brain’ annabeth pointed over to the forest leaving grover to hurry and run to it.
ㆍ୨୧ㆍ
‘y/n!’ he shouted while cupping his mouth to make it a bit louder. when no answers came through he shouted their name over and over until.
‘what?’ along with a sniffle and a shaky voice. feeling his heart burst and his strings pull, he say y/n sitting with their legs close to their chest and their face pressed on their knees. seeing them this way because of him made him almost cry.
‘y/n…listen i’m so, so sorry. i—i thought you’d move on from me when i was on my quest to luke so i was so upset and so jealous because luke is a great guy and who wouldn’t want to be with him—‘
‘me grover…i don’t. i want you, i made that so very known and i don’t get why you can’t see that—‘
‘i know! i know, im so sorry, okay? i’m sorry’ he whispered while making his way over to y/n who’d shed a tear but wiped it immediately with their hand. when grover placed himself next to y/n, he was quick to hold them in his comfortable arms.
as y/n buried their head into his neck they mumbled—‘i wish you saw yourself how i see you’ they mumbled making him almost cry with a huge smile.
not being able to stop himself he ambushed y/n with hundreds of apology kisses while y/n laughed and fell back into the grass with their arms trying to push him away.
he did pull away, but only to close his eyes and make his way down and over their lips. y/n kissed back immediately with their hands cupping his cheeks.
‘i think i really love you y/n l/n’ he confessed. y/n let out a small giggle and licked her lip.
‘and i think i really love you too grover underwood’ pulling his face in for another kiss which he took.
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updownlately · 2 years ago
Text
i'm the definition of 'wreck' (if you look into my soul)
| leah williamson x reader | angst | 2.4k | inspo: time by nf / everywhere by niall horan | a/n: i tried to write angst, no idea how that went but here's what i got. technically since no names were named you can imagine any player from the arsenal wfc as 'her' but i wrote this with leah in mind bc well im a lw6 simp
~~~
It's been like this for weeks. This push and pull. The little things that work just a little harder each time to knock you over the edge. To be honest you don’t know how much of it you can take. And what’s worse is you know you’ve got nobody but yourself to blame. 
It’s when she’s leaving your shared bed early in the mornings, long before either of you need to be up. It’s the way she’d retire to bed later than she probably should, long after you’ve headed up, risking less sleep just to avoid contact. 
It shouldn’t be like this. Love shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn't be missed date nights, keys grabbed after every fight, doors slammed, sometimes more nights a week spent at hotels than your own bed.  Yet, it’s all you’ve ever known and the only thing you carry in your heart. This sad, broken, pathetic attempt at love is really all you have to offer.
In all honesty, you were shit at this relationship thing, though no one could blame you. They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and yet you’ve begged and prayed that it would. And yeah you technically have control over your actions and should better yourself, but you’ve tried and failed over and over again. You’ve tried to improve, work on yourself, create a better version of you, but in the end, when everything’s burning and there’s napalm in the air and rubble all around you, all you’ll ever know is to grab your weapon, fire, and run. 
It’s left you alone, failed relationship after failed relationship. You swear you’ve tried. Tried to work on communicating, on breathing deep breaths before your anger builds up, on talking about your fucking feelings. Regardless, it’s never enough for yourself. You run, you hide, you lock yourself away until there’s nothing to find.
So when weeks and months pass and you see her each day with the light finally returning to her eyes you can’t help but be glad that she got rid of you. 
And when you feel so broken seeing her and her family after a game won at your home pitch, you quietly gather the shattered pieces of your heart and make your way toward the locker rooms with nobody but yourself to blame.
It's only as you pass the friends and family section that you can pick out her mother’s voice and your name being said in conversation, with a follow up question on how you’re doing, something you really don’t deserve after how you’ve treated her.
You’re very much aware that no matter how many times you fix your damaged heart and dull all the sharp edges, that you’ll still end up hurting those around you. So you speed up ever so slightly, shielding your already broken heart, cradling the pieces that had fallen ever so gently as they break further in your hands, careful not to cut anybody along the way. You swear you drop some pieces in your hurry, but with your rush you tell yourself you’d come back later to grab them (spoiler: you never do).
~
You end up showering and changing before anyone else has even made it back inside. Making a pit stop to confirm your departure and the following days’ schedules with your manager and coach, you check the time and head to your car.
It's late afternoon and while that helps expand your options for lunch, it also means you have one too many hours left in the day to survive before you can let yourself head to bed. Contemplating on how to spend the rest of your day, it’s your tiredness that makes the final decision. 
You grab a quick lunch, choosing to not head home and instead to the gym for a workout. It may not be one of your wiser decisions to have an extensive training session today, but with the free time on your hand and the voices in your head, there’s really no better option. 
Meeting up with your trainer, which by the way bless his heart for booking you at the last minute, you gather your gloves and handwrap and head towards the equipment. It’s as you run through your normal warm-up that you reflect on how pathetic your life’s become. 
For the past three months, you’ve damn near ceased to exist. Yeah your body’s still here, you’re waking up in the mornings, attending practices, playing in games, all the good stuff really, but you know you’re not there. A feeling you’re all too familiar with. The lack of care of what happens to your body, the way your slide tackles and play gets just a tad bit more dangerous each game, the way you keep training, choosing to ignore the idea of a recovery period, the way your car’s more comforting to you than the apartment you own. You’ve been here before and it wasn’t a good place then and it sure as hell isn’t now, but it's all you know and the only thing that’s never really left, so you’ll cherish it for as long as you can. You know that if anything and everything leaves, as they always seem to do, you’ll still have your companion in the darkness.
The sane part of you realizes how far gone you are, it tries, tries so helplessly hard to pull you back, remind you that you can be okay, but this time? This time you’re sure you’ve given up on trying to remember that. So you’ll do what you know best. Let it consume you. Let it destroy you. Pick you apart piece by piece. Let you slowly forget the feel of a sunny day and a good practice with the team. Rid you of the joy that comes with the pretty sunsets London Colney sometimes has to offer. And this time you’ll let it all happen with open arms, truly, honestly, finally exhausted.
An hour later when your trainer’s calling it a day and forcing you to take a break, you listen, if only to spare yourself a lecture. You grab your stuff, shower, change, and head out. You’ve still got a couple hours left to kill, and with your training bag and boots still in your car, it’s not a difficult decision of where to go. 
Opening your car door and entering, you can feel the day catch up to you, your body readily sinking into the driver's seat, almost protesting against your mind. You know you’ll be feeling these workouts tomorrow, but your mind’s not done racing yet. 
Lacing your boots a short while later, back at the training grounds, you grab your spare ball and warm-up once again, going through the motions. With how many hours you’ve spent at the grounds alone, you’ve developed a pretty consistent solo training session. It's the peace of being alone, a football at your feet, and a near-perfect grassy pitch at your disposal that your mind slowly begins to slow, finally tiring.
You thought you got lucky, a finally tired mind and the hour changing to one acceptable enough for sleep, but then your phone rings, an all too familiar caller ID flashing the screen.
Eight pm after a match in the afternoon is an odd time for your coach to be calling you and with curiosity getting the best of you, you scramble to answer the phone. Running through the pleasantries, you gently prod the reason for his call. 
The answer you get isn’t what you were expecting really, but then again, it was a miracle it had taken this long for it to be said.
“Your contract’s ending soon. wrapping up the third and headed into the final year. Any thoughts on your future?”
The tone in Jonas’ voice causes your heart to sink. This club had been home to you since you had left your own. Arsenal had accepted you with open arms from the start, being your saving grace when you had thought you were going to be subjected to living a broken life at a place that never felt like home. When they had renewed your initial two year contract into another four, you had been elated for your future. You had never felt more excited to be tied down to a place before. taking a silent deep breath, you push back the memories of that day and swallow your emotions effortlessly.
“Depends. What's my future at Arsenal looking like?”
“You tell me. You of all players know that chemistry in a team is what makes a team run, what makes a team successful.”
His response tells you everything you need to know. You know he wasn’t oblivious to what had happened. How your outgoing personality had slowly stopped being exactly that. The way that you had pulled away from your teammates, treating them like nothing more than colleagues rather than friends, treating your job as what it simply was, your job. But you never expected him to have let it impact your presence on the team. You knew what you were worth and what you brought to the table. You weren’t a goal scoring machine, or defensive unit, a tough protective wall. You were you. You played all your minutes like they were the last you’d ever play, heart left of the pitch (not that there was much left of it anyway). You were content with setting your teammates up, leading the league in assists. You were a decent tackler, winning more than two thirds of your face-offs on the regular. You knew your worth on the team, and your agent reminded you of it often enough too, mentioning the potential offers you could have from other clubs regardless of how many times you’d told him you didn’t plan to leave.
“Our on pitch chemistry hasn’t changed. My on pitch chemistry hasn’t changed. We’re still a unit on the field Jonas and you know it. You know I have the utmost respect for you and this club, don’t let me think any differently.”
“A handful of clubs have reached out. Their offers are tempting to say the least.”
As much as it hurt you to say the next few words, you knew that taking any other stance would leave you stuck, broken for the umpteenth time. “I trust you to make the best decision for the club. At the end of the day, I wish nothing but the best for Arsenal.” 
The ‘with or without me’ goes unsaid but from the few years that you’ve worked with him, you knew for a fact that he had heard the unspoken words. As Jonas lets you know that while a decision had to be made, there wasn’t an immediate rush, you know for a fact that you’ll likely not be calling London home again. And when you both agree to reconnect a week from now, you’ve already accepted your fate. 
It’s an unusually silent drive home for you. The brief break you had earlier from your mind is long gone as you make a mental note to get in touch with your agent first thing tomorrow morning.
~
The post goes up after your last match of the season. While Arsenal had qualified for the Champions League once again, the team had gotten knocked out in the semis for the tournament, ending their season a few days early. It’s between the break of club football and world cup prep that your departure is announced, with no real destination said. If you hadn’t known that London wasn’t home for you anymore, the lack of a response besides an occasional story about the post from a few of your teammates solidified it. 
It's when Bayern upload their new signing post with you holding up your new jersey that the final nail in the coffin is hammered in. The way your move suddenly becomes real. The comments being said online. Speculation on why Arsenal decided to let you go despite your importance to their success. Why Bayern was who you chose. Why there was no lengthy farewell. The people were digging for any crumbs, any notions on why you may have left, but it was only you and your teammates that really knew, and you all chose to keep mum. 
It’s with the acceptance that you’re leaving do you feel absolutely unwanted and lost. And while you’d felt lost in your life before, it had never been like this. Feeling lost was when you were younger and couldn’t find your mother while at the toy store and when you had gotten your first failing mark in school. Feeling lost was when you were asked to leave your childhood home after coming out, no idea where to go. It was when you still got night terrors from the fights that your parents used to have even when you thought you had healed. But being lost had never felt like this. It had never reminded you that you had lost the only good in your life. That the only family you had ever loved didn’t want you anymore. That you hurt all those around you, people you promised to protect and love. That you had a gaping hole in your chest from a gun that you had fired. 
So as the weeks pass and the world cup comes and goes and you notice yourself slipping just a little more each day, you let it play out. You don’t know what your breaking point is but at this point you just don’t care enough to not find out, especially since you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.
When you leave your bed early in the mornings, long before you need to be up just because sleep wasn’t coming to you and retire to bed later than you should just to avoid having to lay in a bed alone, you blame yourself. When you come home to an empty apartment in a new city, the loneliness amplified by the darkness you choose to adorn your apartment with, you have no one to turn to but yourself. And when you interact with your new teammates solely for work in fear of hurting them too, you remind yourself that you’re broken, only able to spread your misery rather than feel joy.
It never was supposed to be like this. Existing wasn’t supposed to be like this. But now it’s all you know and all you have. So when you wish you yourself could leave your body and soul behind, it wasn't hard to understand why she left you.
At the end of the day, when everything's done and gone, you at your core were a mess you didn't know how to control, a wreck of a soul, barely alive.
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