#idk something about dai feels so. lonely

[crows-of-buckets]

I think with Selene I want to lean into the idea of like. The people she considers friends barely considering her a friend in return. She views Varric as a friend but to him she's his boss, the Herald of Andraste, something bigger than any of them. She views Solas as a friend and maybe he views her in a similar light but that's not enough to give him pause in his ideals. She views Blackwall as a friend but he views her as a savior, a symbol, a force of good. And even the ones she has a genuine mutual friendship with, like Dorian, they end up leaving her behind for their own responsibilities. She saved the world but she's still so lonely at the end of it.

[theflyingfeeling]

...😭

[lord-squiggletits]

I was at a "making friends" kind of social event just this past week and ended up having two subsequent conversations with different people that gave me an interesting reflection on my own reasons for writing without me even intending to make the conversation about it.

First conversation: The person talked about the feeling of awe from being at a music concert and how incredible it is that so many complete strangers can be united by a singular love of music. I related to it with regards to my own writing and how many people have read my stuff. Ended up telling this guy about some of the AO3 comments I've gotten from people to the effect of helping motivate them to live/just reflect on life in general. Somehow went into a tangent about a suicidal friend of mine who died when we were in high school, and me saying that maybe the reason I write so much about the things I do is because of the influence his death had on me. And the other person ended up asking me, 'So do you think it's like every time you write, you're doing it in his memory in a way?'

Subsequent conversation was with someone who was a psychologist for a day job, and I ended up telling them that I was kind of thinking of getting a degree in psychology/therapy one day because writing about mental health issues had gotten me so interested in the world of helping people heal themselves. But then I was also like, "Well, I don't know, it could be that I don't need to become a psychologist to help people with mental health. Maybe helping people by being a writer and telling stories is enough."

It was just a surprising, but topical realization for me to have talking to a bunch of strangers. For someone like me who's often preoccupied with doing and having knowledge and expertise, I often fall into the idea that you need to be directly involved in helping people to really be making a difference. I've literally had thoughts in my mind along the lines of "I'm so smart, hardworking, and dedicated when it comes to writing, but wouldn't it have been so much more of a net gain to the world if I'd decided to be this passionate about something like being a doctor or activist that actually helps people?" It's not like I truly regret being a writer (or ever will, because there's nothing else that I love so much), but in my bad moments I truly do sometimes think "Why does it make a difference if I entertain people or make them feel nicer for a while if it doesn't actually change anything in the world?" To quote one of my favorite Transformers fics of all time, "There was nothing that would have been more worthwhile, but that didn't rule out the possibility that the whole damn universe was wasting its time."

I guess the answer is that making someone feel better, even in a small way, is changing the world, even if it's just a few people, and even if it's just as simple as making someone's day better.

[turtlecleric]

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[cavity-collector]

i genuinely need to be put down like a dog i cant do this anymore man holy shit

[bandzboy]

i wanna talk about how... i had my last class today and we presented our final projects and everyone was so nice about my song and my teachers gave me 18 out 20 and i was surprised because even tho they literally mentioned that they think art should not be graded simply because it's subjective and all, i don't think i've ever had a grade this high on really anything ever? so i really felt very proud of myself on that moment but LATER ON... they asked us individually what we thought of this course and funny enough... i was the last one to talk about my experience and i said that i felt very fulfilled because i never did collaborative work with people before and i learned so much from my classmates! ever since the first day i felt so welcome and since i'm an introvert it's very hard for me to feel comfortable with a group of people immediately and so i was very grateful for that and as i got to talk with all of them individually about music i always felt like i was on the right track and this is honestly what i wanna do because in the end, this career with bring me a connection with people that i never really had until now with any of my friendships and so i'm very grateful but other than that... i also said that if they wanted to reach out to me and collab and do music with me i would always be available and honestly i don't even know how i could be that straightforward it was a first for me i was like wow i really did that??? and they agreed and it made me so happy and especially because i wanna keep being friends with these people like i was on the way there and i thought that i didn't want to not want to see them again after today and hopefully we would keep in touch for anything and we keep being in community hopefully so yeah... i never thought i would feel comfortable to even ask people to keep in touch and actually mean it and hopefully that our friendship will grow over time

[scratxhed-cd]

I’m gonna be pathetic real quick,

[manasurge]

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[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[whoblewboobear]

It’s strange, I’m used to hyperfixating hard on things like HARD (beats my 2yr long beetlejuice musical obsession back with a stick) but Starbreaker- not even fantasy high itself took me over to the point of feeling like a teen about. Like I haven’t had this much fun in fandom in years. I haven’t like- interacted with people this much in fandom in years (which is still not enough but if I beat myself up about social interaction again I’ll jump off a cliff)

But there’s never been a concern of like “this obsession won’t fade for a while but it’ll lose popularity” and that’s fine and surprisingly it hasn’t. But it is different. It’s like adapting to it constantly as the thing itself changes even when there are aspects that you’d like to stay the same. Like that ‘I don’t go to this school of thought, but I’ll still take the class bc it’s interesting’ sorta thing.

And then there’s that feeling of WANTING to contribute but the thing has become such a beast that it’s like oooh I’m so out of my depths here.

Also like constantly having to look myself in the eye and be like ‘bitch you don’t have to talk or contribute to EVERYTHING’ and the sooner I accept that and accept that it is what it is, ill miss things, I won’t get enjoyment out of every aspect and every aspect isn’t for me and that that isn’t a bad thing, I’ll stop having moments of feeling weird and out of place. I have my lil corner and that’s okay

[pepprs]

i will shut up abt this i promise but like. the concept of being in a stable safe mutually loving whatever relationship is INSANE . like how can you ever feel bad about yourself or wounded or whatever again. it’s like a superpower or somethi ng. <- doesn’t know what she’s taking abt bc she’s never experienced it or the absence of it after having it merely the negative space of it and is filling in the gaps w logic or something. but it’s INSANE to me. like of course i feel like shit about myself i am catcrumb unloved.jpg!

[metazensae]

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[malachitezmeyka]

It's that "spend hours sobbing my eyes out in bed for several reasons, including but not limited to the fact tomorrow is Monday, the fact my social battery has been completely drained and won't recover anytime soon, the fact my landlady is due to show up tomorrow evening and will likely piss me off again, the fact I've had the urge to write since Friday and ended up not writing even a single fucking word, the fact exam pressure keeps rising and I still don't know what to do with my life after I'm done with school, and the fact I'm both completely overwhelmed and so terribly lonely at the same time" kind of Sunday evenings

[eebooduh]

Up until recently I was very confident in my identity as an aroace person. However lately all of my friends have been getting into relationships and it seems like all they want to talk about now is their romance and sexlives. We used to meet up and talk about our interests and the world and the future. Now all I hear about is dates and sex. It's not bad to be invested in your relationship and its not bad to want to confide in people about it. I would absolutely not mind talking about it but I wish it wasn't all we could talk about now. I feel lonely while I'm with people I've been friends with for years because we can't connect when we're together anymore. And maybe thats selfish of me but it's not like I don't want to talk about romance and sex at all, I just want to be able to talk about other things too.

[heavenknowsffs]

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[vaugarde]

Hghhh I genuinely can’t explain how much of a game changer it was to realize that misophonia is a recognized mental condition and that I wasn’t just a killjoy tbh