#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on

[l0rd-0f-c0ws]

I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being a younger Avenger and mentoring Kamala

Kamala Khan x reader

warnings: avengers game spoilers, guns

a/n: so excited about this one; i made y/n just a bit older (and gn!) so that they’re in their mid-early teens during a-day! hope thats okie doke! reader has electrokinesis. this accidentally got really detailed

prompt: anonymous: “Hey there! Would you mind writing HCs for the Avengers Game about female reader being a young Avenger (around 17) and mentoring Kamala Khan?”

you were just a kid yourself when you joined the avengers

and you were an inspiration to kids around the world

“does SHIELD think nothing of child labor laws?” -bruce

the avengers became your family

and seeing what you could do...they knew you could handle yourself

and then a-day happened

the day started off so perfect

and the kids went ballistic over seeing you

“y/h/n! look, it’s y/h/n!”

“can i get a picture?”

“hi, guys! of course you can!”

but there was one kid who stuck out among the rest

kamala khan

“you’re the one who wrote about the sewers, right? i freaking loved it! may i just say your art is amazing?”

“r-really?”

“oh, yeah! and the part where you had thor spin mjölnir to push water towards the sewer lizards so i could shock them? genius!”

she could not wait to tell abu about what you had just said

you obviously took a selfie with her and handed her a little pin with your own “icon” on it

but your world got turned upside down that day

the battle was one you’d never forget

and the fighting with your own teammates afterwards would haunt you for years to come

“what do you know, y/n?! you’re just a kid!” -tony

“oh yeah? im one of the only functioning members of this team!”

“everybody calm down. y/n makes a good point, but—” -nat

“thank you”

“...but there’s some stuff you should leave up to us. you really shouldn’t have to take on so much responsibility” -nat

“she’s right, y/n. this was our fault” -bruce

“are you kidding me?! i’m just as guilty as the rest of you, i’m an equal member of this team! for years we’ve dealt with this together, taken the blame together! what’s changed?”

“y/n...you saw what we did out there. that changed everything...” -bruce

you technically were an inhuman, just not terrigen-based

didnt matter to AIM, they took dr. pym for god’s sake

so you had to run, you were on your own for a while

a long while

you laid low for five years, most boring five years of your life

at least you still had your life, though. it just wasn’t what it used to be

but you got a message one day

“‘tiny dancer,’ huh? my moneys on either nat or tony. nah, tony would have chosen ‘rocket man.’”

you couldn’t be sure, maybe it was just a random shield agent...maybe hank pym? god, this was crazy

the message brought you to, uh, cap’s memorial statue

and there was a young girl arguing with a couple of boys...an inhuman!

you hopped in and saved her, she seemed scared

“hey, kid, you alright?”

“y/h/n? is it really you?”

she seemed vaguely familiar

“are you tiny dancer?”

“no, i thought you might be? they sent you here, too?”

there wasn’t much time to chat, AIM was onto you

you two unfortunately got split up for a minute, but you were practically raised by the notorious clint barton and natasha romanoff, and various other spies

yes, you planted a tracker on her

and met her at the bus stop!

“you found me?”

“that i did, kamala. see, i do remember you”

“that is so cool! i mean—not almost getting killed, or the guy with the big head...”

“what guy? you need to tell me everything”

the whole busride was a bit overwhelming. kamala explained the resistance clues, her powers, her undying admiration for the avengers, you name it

but it made you feel good to know that there were people out there that didn’t hate you

“so what was it like? being the teenage avenger?”

“uh, it was...it was really cool. i felt like i was one-of-a-kind. but sometimes people didn’t take me seriously, it was kind of aggravating”

“yeah, no one takes me seriously either...”

“you know, depending on how this all goes, i might be able to give you a few pointers”

“really?! that’d be great!”

once you got to utah...you saw the chimera

it brought back some bad memories, kamala could tell

“you okay?”

“me? yeah, im good. just thinking...okay, well, do you have a plan on how to get yourself across all of this?”

“actually, i do!”

it was kind of creepy in there, but when you laid your eyes on caps shield, you kind of broke

“do you hear something, what it that?”

“...hulk. kamala, you need to get out of here, i’ll catch up to you, i swear”

she didn’t leave in time, so she got to see the greener side of bruce. you chased him back and tried to get bruce back

meanwhile, kamala found AIM troops...oops

bruce cooled off and man was he doing rough

“y/n, is that really you?”

“yeah, its me. surprise. how long have you been the big guy?”

“too long...a few years”

“jesus, im sorry. i’ll be right back, though. some kid brought me here, i gotta go get her. you kinda scared her off”

she was passed out when you got to her

but bruce is a doctor, he’d figure it out

“i could give her a little shock to wake her up, you know?”

“oh, i know. just let her rest for a minute. she needs it”

“right...well im gonna take a look around, maybe go see what i left behind. i could power the place up, but we’re missing some parts to actually get this thing running. best i can do is lights and doors”

you turned the little things on and turns out did leave a decent amount of stuff in here

your first pair of pistols that nat gave you, the gigantic stein that thor gifted you for your 13th birthday, gadgets tony needed an “extra boost” for *bzzt*, a note from cap that just said “good luck, y/n, you’re going to do great!” you cant even remember what it was he was referring to. you just missed him

kamala walked in while you were shuffling around and cleaning the place up

“hey, dr. banner wanted me to come get you. is this your room?”

“that it is, and it’s a huge mess. this is literally all my belongings ever”

bruce had his plan and you just went along, helping kamala out as you go

“baby steps, kam, don’t want you to pass out. but don’t worry, happens to the best of us” -you

“really? you pass out too?” -kamala

“oh yeah, for sure. tell her bruce, remember that time we had thor overcharge me to literally make me an EMP? and tony was busy listening to music so he wouldn’t get out of the blast radius and his armor shut down? so he was out of commission and i had just collapsed from it all? good times”

“y/n, we thought you died” -bruce

this hc is so long omg — anyways you guys ended up finding tony and it was sort of entertaining but he kinda punched bruce and then hugged you

“you got so big”

“shut up, tony”

you kinda harbored some bad feelings since none of the avengers did anything to help you once they started rounding up inhumans (but you still missed them)

getting attacked again

“okay, kamala, remember what i said about baby steps. dont overdo it. i trust you with this!”

“thank you, y/n! uh—oh my god!”

aaaanyways you went to the ant hill to see hank and pick up some supplies, boy was it great to see some familiar faces, then back the the chimera you went to fix it all up

“can you hold that right there for me, kamala? thanks. i think that just about does it. now i have a surprise for you...your own room!”

you helped kamala get it nice and tidy while talking about each other’s lives, she really did remind you of yourself when you became an avenger. excited, scared, underestimated, all of that. and she begged you to share some mission stories, so you obviously did

“you know, if you stick around for a while, you’re gonna have some cool stories, too. maybe even a kickass costume.”

“oh! a costume, ive got that sorta covered. check it out. a burkini, muslim women wear it for swimming and stuff. my mom got it for me”

“love it. soon we’ll find you a fitting name and update the suit, but seriously, this was the perfect way to go. you look great”

“you think so? i don’t know if i feel that cool. maybe i should try something else?”

“if that’s how you feel, you don’t have to stick to it. you can experiment all you want! but i really think you did awesome on this. come on, pose with me! and hey, i like your pins.”

at this point, you’d do anything for kamala, she reminded you so much of yourself. you would have killed for a mentor your age back in the day.

natasha was in fact tiny dancer...called it

“oh, god, y/n. you’re all grown up...im sorry we left you alone. but if it makes you feel better, i always kept an eye on you”

“well, i kind of took on a protégé...she’s like your grand-protégé. kam, c’mere”

after thor finally came back, everyone started fighting again and ditched, it felt so familiar. but you couldn’t leave kamala behind, you swore to yourself that you couldn’t do that.

she was so good for this team

MODOK was defeated (by kamala herself) but there was so much left to do, tons of threats to extinguish, training to accomplish

“y/n, tony won’t turn his dad rock off! he overrode the speakers in my room”

“oh, it’s on. get chastity’s fabric dye and bleach pens. we’re gonna start some trouble”

she gave you a high five one time and nearly broke your arm

sending each other tiny hand memes

“hey, ms. m, how’re your parents? doing okay without their favorite super-daughter?”

“my abu doesn’t stop texting me actually, says my family is super proud of me. it’s a nice change of pace”

you take her on covert missions for field training, it was Educational(tm)

*elevator music playing* “so...what do you want for dinner? i was thinking we could ask thor to barbecue”

sleepovers in her room that just turn into her showing you her superhero merch, listening to music, prank lists, sneaking off to the HARM room for hand-to-hand combat training and power experiments, thinking up new costume designs

“tip: you always need backup suits, you never know what you’re gonna run into out there. one time tony pushed me into a tower of paint cans and they spilled all over me. steve yelled at him for two hours afterwards. worst mission ever, except steve said ‘motherfucker’ and i have never recovered from the emotions of that day”

“wow, i wish i could have been there for that”

“don’t worry, kami, you’ll see some crazy ‘team bonding’ along the way”

she geeks out about captain marvel sometimes

“hey, i’ve got a book carol gave to me about ‘teens taking responsibility.’ you wanna read it?”

“is it any good?”

“i don’t know, i only read the first two pages”

you ended up having a true heart-to-heart with her after one mission when she made a mistake that nearly cost you guys the mission. you told her that not every mission is going to go perfect, each avenger had slipped up in the field, and she had just started, shes not going to be perfect

“i am literally always here if you need anything. i know what it feels like to be a teenager among legends, but trust me, you’ve made it this far and you’ve proven how much of a badass you are. i know you can take anything that gets thrown at you”

kamala said she makes vegan nachos and yeah she makes vegan nachos

you guys have to hide from the rest of the team when she makes them bc they eat ALL OF THEM

gaff (the SHEILD vendor) has you test his gear, you recommend gear to kamala

you were so excited to guide kamala on her journey of heroism

taglist: @ravenmoore14 // @purpleskiesstorm //

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3

-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.

-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.

-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.

-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.

-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.

-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.

-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass

-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(

-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks

-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.

-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode

-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF

-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.

-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.

-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO

-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...

-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate

-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.

-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)

-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!

-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS

-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.

-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed

-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)

-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.

-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???

-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.

-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.

-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme

-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.

-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.

-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!

-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!

-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…

-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!

-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.

-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.

-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…

-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.

-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.

-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.

-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Ocean Eyes - Part 2

It was an unusually hot day, so i pulled out Mason's kiddy pool and filled it for him to cool off in. I was sat on one of the sun loungers close by reading my book where i could still keep an eye on him.

"Mom?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Is auntie Hannah coming round soon with Lucas? Im bored"

"They should be here soon buddy" i smiled over at him.

"Okay.... im hungry"

"Fine.... i'll go get you something but you have to come out the water while i'm inside...."

"Oh mom i dont wanna get out...."

"Mace come on now...." i rolled my eyes putting my book down.

"Knock knock" i heard a very familiar voice call out from behind, i turned and stared wide eyed at none other than Scott Evans!!

"Scott.... what... what are you doing here?" I asked standing up and walking over to the back gate to let him in.

"Chris told me where you were, i had to come see you! I've missed you! You stopped replying to my messages and wouldn't take my calls...."

"Yeah i'm sorry Scott, that was a dick move" i nodded, I had been friends with the Evan's since we were kids.... best friends with Chris and Scott "i was dealing with some stuff.... guess i didn't handle it well"

"I can see that" he said looking over at Mason who was sat in the pool with his back to us as he crashed some toys around "he yours?"

"He is, thats Mason"

"Well you gonna introduce me properly??" He asked being his usual sassy self!

"Sure, come on over" i led the way over to where Mason was playing feeling my heart racing, i hadn't been this nervous in forever!

"Hey Mace? I want you to meet a friend of mine...."

Mason turned to face us and i heard Scott audibly gasp.

"This is my friend Scott"

"Hi" he said shyly looking Scott over.

"Hey bud, its nice to meet you...." Scott smiled at Mason before turning his attention to me with wide eyes as Mason carried on playing as if we wasn't there.

"Is there something you need to tell me Y/N?....."

I looked away from Scott keeping my eyes on my son, i shook my head in disbelief..... i did not expect to be having this conversation today!

"You know his a spitting image...."

"I know Scott! Im not blind" i snapped.

"But how?? I mean i know how! But...."

"Hey! Its just us...." i heard Hannah call from inside, she always let herself in.

"Hey.... oh shit"

"Hey Hannah, good to see you" Scott smiled with a little wave.

"Scott..... what a surprise..."

"Han, can you watch Mason while i go inside and talk to Scott?" I asked as i shifted nervously on the spot.

"Sure".

"Hi auntie Y/N!" Lucas said loudly as he ran past me heading to Mason.

"Hey buddy" i smiled at him as i led the way into the house with Scott following close behind.

"Okay so spill it" Scott said breaking the awkward silence between us as he pulled out a chair and sat down at the kitchen table.

"What do you already know? What did Chris tell you about us?...." i asked avoiding eye contact with him.

"Well obviously i know the two of you used to hook up occasionally.... he said he just lost contact with you when you left town"

"Wow....." i scoffed shaking my head "is your brother still an asshole?"

"Why are you calling him an asshole? I thought you guys were friends??"

"We were. Then we were more.....or at least i thought so"

"You two were serious?"

"I guess not"

"He never said anything...."

"Before he made it 'big' with the whole Captain America thing we were serious"

"How serious?"

"Serious enough to get married....."

"Im sorry WHAT???!!"

"Yep"

"How did i not know about this??? when did this happen??" he stared at me with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open as he tried to process the information.

"You remember the weekend in Vegas for my birthday, before he started filming Winter Soldier?....that one night you got food poisoning and stayed in bed..."

"You got married in Vegas?! were you both drunk??"

"Nope, stone cold sober" i shrugged "god i loved him Scott.... he was telling me he loved me and talking about starting a family..... we walked past a chapel and he asked me to marry him. Promised we'd do it properly when we got home...."

"My god...... so what happened?"

"Chris wanted to wait until he finished filming to tell everyone.... or so he said. When he came home once he was done filming he told me we had made a mistake. His career was taking off and he wouldn't have time for a wife..... he was getting a lot of attention from women, he didn't want to be tied down with me did he?"

"Did he say that?!"

"He didn't have to, he was pictured with different women all the time" i shrugged.

"What an asshole!" Scott spat sounding pissed at his brother "how could he do that to you of all people??"

I shook my head as i thought back on the time i was heartbroken.... pining for my best friend... my husband, and he had so easily forgotten about me, i quickly wiped a stray tear away before Scott could see.

"I found out i was pregnant two weeks later. I tried calling him but he never answered or returned my messages..... so i made a choice. I decided to pack up and leave, start somewhere new where i could raise my baby. I received divorce papers shortly after which i signed and returned, i didnt want anything to do with him"

"You should have called me! I wouldve talked some sense into him!"

"He didn't want me Scott let alone a baby.... he made his choice and i made mine" i smiled looking out the window at my beautiful boy "i dont regret it for a second, Mason is my world. He's my perfect little boy.... even if he does look like a spitting image of his father. Thats the hardest part.... its the eyes.... he has his eyes".

Scott was suddenly beside me pulling me into his arms and holding me tight.

"Im so sorry sweetie"

"Its fine.... it was a long time ago.... when Chris showed up here yesterday i nearly had a heart attack!" I mumbled against Scotts chest.

"I bet.... why was he here?"

"Apparently we're still married! That jackass never filed the papers! But now he's seeing someone and its getting serious he wants the option of marrying her"

"You should tell him about Mason....."

"I can't Scott, he'd hate me.... what if he tried to take Mason from me?"

"He wouldn't do that, he might want a chance to get to know his son but he wouldn't hurt you like that....."

"Can you be sure? 100% sure that he wouldn't want to take Mason?? I've seen some of his interviews about wanting kids...."

"Don't you want Mason to know his father?"

"Of course! You dont think i wanted my son to have a dad? I tried to tell him Scott but he ghosted me!"

"Look i love my brother you know that, i know what he was like a few years back, he went through a phase of being an absolute douche bag..... but his different now"

"I'll think about it okay?"

"Okay..... i'll be there for you through it all i promise"

"Thank you Scotty, god I've missed you" i smiled giving him another hug "you staying for lunch? Mason's hungry"

"Id love to".

Scotts POV

Y/N stood at the front door waving me off with Mason, my NEPHEW! I still couldn't believe it.... Chris was a Father!!

I waved to them both as i pulled away and started my drive home. 20 minutes into my journey my cell started to ring, i looked down to see it was Chris calling.

"Hey"

"Hey, what you up to?"

"Just on my way home, i went to go see Y/N"

"Oh.... h..how was she?"

"Surprised to see me, but she was good"

"Good, thats good. What did she tell you?" He sounded worried, nervous even.

"I know everything...." i huffed out a breath "how could you be so fucking stupid Chris?? you married our best friend.... our oldest friend and then left her!"

"I was such an asshole back then.... i know, but i can't change that now can i?"

"No i guess not"

"It was so good seeing her yesterday man, made me realise how much I've missed her. I was hoping we could work things out, be friends at least but.... Scott she fucking hates me!"

"Can't say i blame her....."

"Im not that guy anymore Scott" he said sadly and i knew that, id seen the change in my brother over the years.

"Try and talk to her again, maybe she just needed to get over the shock of seeing you"

"You think she'd wanna see me?"

"I have no clue, but if you want to sort things out with her your going to have to make an effort with her. Let her see your not the same asshole that left her"

"Maybe i should just leave her alone, she's been fine without me...."

"Chris..... i wasn't going to say anything but theres something you should know...."

Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading

Ocean eyes: @supraveng @michelehansel @melissaglenn5 (it wont tag you) @katiew1973 @denisemarieangelina

[mazojo]

Noah screenshots? Hcs? Canon facts you like about him? If you guys were to break up, why?

NONNYYYYY

I am sorry for taking a moment there to answer you, I have been trying to write up this answer for a couple days but fumblr here always messes my post up //rip

I am gonna put this all behind a read more cossss I may get ramble and sentimental and people may not like it asdfghj but just know there may be spoilers below and that in this household we are always at all times and every single second, stanning Noah Marshall hours foLKz.

*Cracks knuckles* leTS GeT ThIS BreAD shall we?? ill be dividing it into each part because yo girl just got a chance to cream about her bby boi Noah and she will take iT asdcfvghjk trash

Screenshots

I am not sure what you mean 100% but I am guessing its sharing my fav screenshots while screaming about it and I will 100% do it xDDD

1- I call this one the “Tragic Backstory™ meets sappy”

Okay okay okay i gotta say this whole scene may as well be one of my favorite ones. Not only does it capture them soooo well, but it also made me connect even more to Noah. He lost everything the day he lost his sister. Everything he did was in order to gain everything back, in the hopes of bringing her back to return to how things were and i…..i…..am……weak……

2- This ones called “Everyone @ PB headquarters is a coward for not giving Noah happiness”

Not gonna put the entire scene because its too long buT when I say I would die for Noah Marshalls entire happiness, I mean I would diE FOR NOAH MARSHALL’S ENTIRE HAPPINESS (literally, because, you know, MC kinda dies for him….. ha…..haha….. too soon). thats it, thats the whole message I want ya to get from this post lmaooo.

3- This one goes by the name “Top 10 cursed moments in Choices history”

how he blames himself. “it should have been me….” because his mom blames him. he blames himself. Noah has carried this burden alone for his whole life. he is broken please someone hug him (and that someone is MC obviously pfffff).

4- This one is “I am damaged, gone wrong, got killed (100% real, not clickbait)”

DOnt have to explain how much this scene literally broKE one (1) dumb soul. This whole exchange is so powerful and everytime I re read it I get tears in my eyes because we all deserve better than this ;w;

5- Lastly I call this one “I added one more because all of the ones I choose were depressing and I needed to redeem my rat boi so”

Thats it, thats the screenshot. Please someone who doesnt know Noah Marshall describe him by this one image asdfghjk

Headcanons

ASDFYU OMG THANK YOU NONNY I STAN I STANNN 

Well, I actually made some of my MC x Noah HC because they are s o u l m a t e s and this is the post buuuuut some Noah hc I have are:

- As I mentioned in my other HC list, Noah is insomniac. He is always staying late and avoids sleeping because almost everytime he falls asleep he has nightmares thus he is always anxious when sleeping. Since he began dating MC in this magical AU the nightmares have been more manageable

- Can I reiterate on the fact that he has a beanie collection?? Like, I am talking all colors and sizes, homeboy’s only fashion statement is his beanie and we stan.

- He is terrible at using social media. MC and Stacey had to b e g him to create an Instagram account. To this day he still does not understand why people add hashtags to posts

- His favorite bands are Green Day, Simple Plan, Set it Off and Rex Orange County (see as I self insert myself in Noah LMAOO)

- His favorite Disney movies are treasure planet and Dumbo because he used to watch them as a kid a lot with Jane *crying noises intensify*

- He is actually a pretty decent singer! The one or two times MC catches him whispering some song she makes a huge deal out of it and asks him to sign autographs for her so when he becomes famous she can sell them, causing him to dramatically roll his eyes and blush while looking away.

- Even though he is a good singer, Noah haaaates dancing and he sucks at it. As I mention in the other HC list, he always ends up tumbling over with his own feet and avoids dance floors like the plague, only slightly softening for MC

- He refuses to buy AirPods even tho all the others have them. His most significant character trait is using wired headphones and owning it

- He has MC saved as “Dumbass 🖤”

- The crew has a group chat in which Noah has tried exiting, multiple times, only to be added once again and everyone going in his case for him to stop being emo asdfghjk

- His spirit animal is a wolf according to him, every-time MC remembers his answer to that question she starts quoting the “in all levels except physical I am a wolf” vine and “Noah has exited the chat” once again.

- His proudest achievement is his music library, with his infinite playlists selection.

This are some of the HC I haveee, I dont want to bombard you with them but I actually have a notes thingy with this lmaoooo, I do this with my fav pairings but never end up posting them asdfghj

Canon facts I like

oh boi

everything

asdfghjkl but in all seriousness:

- I mention this in almost all my Noah posts but his love for family is one of the things I like the most about him. How much he grasps into that hope his sister is alive and how much he suffers for it, even willing to sacrifice his soulmate friend for that, which okay, was wrong, but he did it with all the good intentions in the bottom of his heart.

- His humor definitely. asdfghj cynical and dark humor is very uwuwuwuwuwu attractive to me and my dankness so yeeee

- His passion for culinary school is soooo asdfghjk of his part. I personally have absolutely no idea how to boil water, so in the first place I admire anyone who knows how to cook, and just how much it means to him. Culinary school is his dream and he has abandoned it, but in every scene you speak that he brings it up, you can see how happy it makes him and asdfghjk bby boiiii

- His beanies asdfghjkkuytr okay okay I know I make fun of them a lot and stuff but beanies are actually are one of my few weaknesses for guys clothing lmaooo (just right behind glasses 😍)

- Just the whole thing with helping MC out (in my play-through) after getting turned into Redfield. Like, hello? he is literally not giving up until she is back? because he believes in her? eye-

Those are the ones I can think off right now from the top of my head but if I remember more later I will come back at ya with emmmm ^^

If you guys were to break up, why?

Big Ooffff

So I answered an ask from my homegirl Kato a while back answering and analyzing if Noah and I would actually work out in real life and I think in a way, the same answer can answer this question.

We would break up because in some way, we are too similar. In the sense that we are both pretty introverted, kept to ourselves, a bit of bad humor and that would lead us to clash in our own ways. Thats why I believe he needs someone like I HC my MC to be. She is outgoing, helping him get out of his shell, get out and explore, she is like the light and they balance each other out. If I were to date Noah we would just both fall into one side of the balance xDD

That being said I still loVE ma BaBY BOOOiiii nOahhhh but I think he would make a much much muuuuuch better couple with someone like MC :33 as I said, they are soulmatessss 🤧

Bishes be loving Noah. thats me, I am bishes and Anon has just blessed my inbox and we been stanning

[screamxqueenx94]

Let's Rebel (Part 8)

A/N:Another installment of my series. I may or not be wrapping it all up soon, but we'll see. If you'd like to be tagged and officially start my tag list, let me know 💕💕💕

Warnings: fighting, some swearing

Y/N/N= your nickname, Y/N= your name

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been over a week and you've been avoiding Reggie like the plague. He's even texted you nonstop to the point that you blocked his number. But, after your "break up", it made you look back on some things. One of those things was how you treated Archie when he tried doing something nice for your family and you just went complete ape shit on him. You seen him at his locker, still peaking glances at you, still obviously feeling sad about the whole situation.

You decide to swallow your pride and approach him. He looks at you, surprise covering his whole face as you stood in front of him. What you were about to do was long overdue, but he deserved it.

"I'm sorry..." You tell him. "I'm sorry that I flipped out like a psycho when all you were trying to do was help me and my family..." You continued.

You took a deep breath and looked down at your beat up converse sneakers as Archie watched you with understanding.

"I understand if you don't accept my apology, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. I just want you to know that I truly am sorry that I'm such a horrible friend." You look back up at him and he just wraps you in a warm embrace.

"Don't you apologize. You've been through a lot in recent months." He says understandingly as he squeezes you tighter. You hug him back, but you still can't help but feel shitty on how you treated him. You let go and walk down the hallway to the student lounge together.

"It doesn't really matter what I was feeling Arch, I was still a bitch and you didn't deserve that." You tell him, filled with guilt as you tuck some of your bright blue hair behind your ear that was now fading into a greenish color.

"Well, apology accepted because you do deserve it." He replies back, smiling back at you, he nudges you playfully with his elbow, making you smile a bit.

You walk into the student lounge, you see all your old friends, smiling at the sight of you and Archie being friends again.

"Aww, yay! You guys finally made up!" Veronica cheered, making everyone else cheer and laugh. All you can do is laugh and just plop down in the arm chair facing the couches.

"So I take it we're all friends again?" Kevin asked nervously.

"I wouldn't have it any other way... I really missed you guys." You answer back. Everyone just awes and pile up for one big group hug, dog pile style, knowing you secretly love that despite saying how much you say you hate it.

They get up laughing by the look of cringe on your face. Before anyone can say anything else, Reggie walks in as you happened to have glanced over at the doorway. You quickly look back and put your hand up, as if it's some type of invisibility cloak, but let's face it. With hair that bright, who wouldn't notice? He walks towards you, but you quickly jump up and grab your bag.

"Uh-- I forgot I had to go see Weatherbee... I-- I'll catch up with you guys later." You tell your friends quickly as you leave out the other door, practically running, trying to avoid Reggie once more.

As you run out to the hallway, you bump into someone, knocking you on your butt, making you drop all your stuff out of your bag. You scramble to pick it all up, when you see a pair of large hands helping you. As you look further up to see who it is, you notice the leather jacket, then the familiar neck tattoo, then you come face to face with Sweet Pea, the boy you've been in contact with for the past week.

"S--sorry. I should really watch where I'm going.." You quickly apologize as you take the books from his hands and stuff them in you bag.

"Hey, it's my fault, I wasn't paying attention. Although you were coming in kinda hot.." He replies with his signature smirk.

"You runnin' from somethin'?" He asks, as you both stand up straight.

You look back nevously, and put you bag over your shoulder, then quickly turn back to him. "More like someone..." You reply.

Your hands and body shaking from nerves, but to Sweet Pea, it appeared to be fear.

"Who?" He asks concerningly.

Before you can answer, a voice you recognize calls for you, making you nearly jump out of your skin. It was Reggie, and he didn't look happy.

"Y/N! I've been trying to get ahold of you. You blocked my number, Instagram and Facebook. I wanna talk to you. I need to explain--" you cut him off before he can finish.

"Look, I dont care what you're explanation is... I just want you to get the hint. I'm done with you and I just want you to leave me alone." You tell him. As you're about to walk away, he grabs your wrists, a little tighter than you're comfortable with. Making you wince.

Sweet Pea notices and pushes Reggie back.

"She said she doesn't wanna talk to you, now back off, Mantle." He barks, as he remains standing in front of you, acting as a shield.

"Mind your business, Sweet Pea. This is between me and Y/N." Reggie shoots back defensively.

"You made it my business when you continued to harass her when she told you to leave her alone." Sweet Pea steps closer to Reggie, staring him down. People start to stare at what is a possible fight about to ensue.

"This is the last time I'm gonna say it: Back. Off. Serpent." Reggie's voice gets louder with each word, then pushes Sweet Pea, who only moves a step back. Your friends come out of the lounge to witness what's going on. Kevin grabs his phone and films what he thinks is going to be a fight thats YouTube worthy.

Reggie steps closer, getting in Sweet Pea's face, but Sweets refuses to back down.

"I don't know what happened between you and Y/N/N, but all I know is that if you continue to harass her, I'm gonna be forced to kick your ass... and I'm gonna really fuckin' enjoy it too." He smirks as Reggie gets angier.

Finally, Reggie grabs Sweet Pea by his jacket and slams him against some lockers, but Sweets isn't phased for a second. He punches Reggie, knocking him to the ground. But Reggie is quick back up on his feet and tackles Sweet Pea into the lockers again, this time picking him up and slamming him on the ground.

As the boys continue to fight, you scream at Reggie to stop and then go over and start hitting him, which prompts Archie to pull you back, but you kick and scream for him to let you go. Suddenly, Jughead and Fangs come and pull Reggie off Sweet Pea. As they help Sweet Pea up, Moose and another Bulldog hold Reggie back so he didn't attack him again.

Archie let you go and you run over to Sweet Pea. You take his face in your hands and look at his face to make sure he's okay. Sweets reassures you he's fine while Reggie continues to yell as Moose and the other Bulldog tell him to just walk away.

"Don't let me catch on my turf Serpent!" He shouts as Sweet Pea chuckles and gives him the middle finger. Just then, Principal Weatherbee comes out and calls you, Reggie and Sweet Pea into his office.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were the last in Westherbee's office and the last to leave. You, Reggie and Sweet Pea were all suspended until there was proof that Sweet Pea didn't and you didn't start the fight, which you thought was complete and utter bullshit considering there was at least 50 witnesses and multiple people recording the entire thing.

When you leave Westherbee's office, Sweets was waiting for you.

"Hey. You okay?" He asks you, putting his arm around you as you both walk out of the building. You let out a defeated sigh.

"Yeah.... Just irritated by this whole situation." You looked away as you spoke, but then looked at him and half smiled. "Thanks for standing up for me, even though you didn't have to..." You continue as you half smile.

"Mantle's an asshole anyways. It was eventually gonna happen. Rather have it be to defend a cute girl like yourself." He replies as he holds the doors open for you, making you blush at his words.

He stops you at the bottom of the steps, and faces you. "You sure you're okay?" He asks, pushing some of your hair out of your face. You blush a little more, making Sweet Pea have his signature smirk again.

"Yeah... Reggie just scared me a bit is all..." you say as you put your hands in your jean jacket and start walking to your car with Sweet Pea walking right next to you.

"Yeah, what's up with that? I thought you guys were like... a thing or something?" He asks.

You explain to him what happened that day at the lake. How his mother had spoken to you and the things she said and how all he could do was just look down and take it. After how he was there for you during the toughest time in your life, but couldn't stand up for you felt so insulting and it wasn't okay.

"...I don't really care that she called me a slut, I mean every girl unfortunately has heard it at least once before.... but it's the fact that he didn't stick up for me... ya know?" You continue as you reach your car and get your keys out of your pocket.

"I get it. When you're with someone, no matter what the situation is, they should always have your back. No matter how scared they are of whoever is giving you shit..." he replies with an understanding half smile. You smile back and you're just about to say something when your phone goes off. It was a text from your mom. The school called her and she's pissed.

"Sorry, it's my mom..." you tell Sweets as you unlock your phone. He just waves his hand and shakes his head to show he's not offended by the fact that you had your phone out while talking to him.

You sigh deeply and out your phone in the back pocket of your ripped jeans. This was the last thing you needed. You and Sweet Pea didn't start the fight. That one was on Reggie, but your mom was right in a way. You'd never fight anyone in school, you'd save it for your front yard or the other person's yard. You felt defeated, and of course Sweet Pea seen it written all over your face.

"I take it the school called your mom?" He asks.

"Yeah.... and as usual, she believes that I actually started it." You answer back sadly. There were times where your mom could be your best friend, but mostly she just didn't ever believe you about anything or took advantage of your love for your dad and little brothers and used it against you.

"Y'know, if it had been my dad they contacted instead of my mom, he would've came down and got in Westherbee's face because he knows if never start a fight in school. Didn't matter if he was still in the hospital or not, he always has my back." You tell Sweet Pea with a slight agitation in your voice as you lol down at the pavement under your dirty converse.

He just looks down at you and pushes your hair out of your face and behind your ear again, making you look up at his smiling face.

"You sound like you need to let off some steam." He remarks as rests his arm up on your open car door.

You scoff. "That's an understatement..."

He closes your car door and takes your hand and starts leading towards his bike.

"What are you doing?" You ask while chuckling.

"Taking you to rebel a bit." He stops and turns around to face while still holding your hand.

"What are some things that you do that pissed your mom off?" He asks you with a mischievous grin on his perfectly adorable face.

"Well despite already having 7 tattoos, she hates that I have them. She hates that I color my hair unnatural colors and have a nose ring. So basically just being myself..." You answer back. His grin gets even bigger as he goes back to leading you to his bike.

"Well then, let's go do that."

"Do what?" You ask nervously.

"Let's go get you another tattoo. One that will really piss her off!" He chuckles, getting on his bike and handing you a helmet.

[ronanceblogs]

Andi Mack Season finale

Dream

(includes like 3 1/2coming out scenes)

Okay so last night I had a dream about me watching the Andi Mack season 3 finale and omg it was great. I posted this on twitter but thought I would share and go into more detail on here, plus I forgot to add a few small things... So let me share.

Okay, for some reason it was Christmas... idk why. Anyways, it started off with Bex, Bowie, and Andi being cute and opening each other’s presents and like getting excited over the smallest things.

Then Andi leaves to go to Cyrus’s Dad’s house for his annual Hanukkah party.

She arrives with Buffy and Jonah. Cyrus opens the door and tells them to come in. He introduces them to his family then goes in a separate room with them.

Buffy asks “Isn’t Tj coming??” But in a teasing way which makes Cyrus blush. Cyrus tells her “yes he is. He’s just running late.” Then looks to see if he got a text.

Jonah is confused about why Cyrus blushed then remembered why he did. (I added this in bc it’s such a Jonah thing.)

Cyrus then looks upset, Andi Saw that he was and asked him what was wrong. Then Cyrus tells them this.

“I don���t know. It’s just been hard. Everyone is asking when I’m going to get a girlfriend, and I just want to tell them I don’t like girls... I don’t know what to do.”

Buffy offers him support and tells him “Cyrus, dont worry about it. You should tell soon but it’s also up to you when you want to tell.” Then Andi says “I know you might be scared of them, but you shouldn’t be.” And then Jonah goes over to him and says “Dude, you are still Cyrus to me. You got this!”

Then Tj walks in. Cyrus almost panics but stays calm and greets him. Takes a deep breath when Tj asked “What were you guys talking about?” The GHC and Jonah all laugh.

Cyrus and friends are called down for dinner. His dad asks Cyrus to give a speech. Cyrus looks at his friends, they instantly knew what was going to happen. He smiles at Tj and looks at his family. “Thank you all for coming tonight! Family, friends, food... thank you for celebrating this wonderful holiday with me!! I love all of you so much, and I’m so greatful for all your support. I hope everyone has a good holiday and night, and I’m gay.” Then everyone stops to look at him. Tj’s eyes got big... and he blushed. But once Cyrus looked at him, he went up and said “wow. That’s brave of you. Nice job Cyrus!” And Cyrus blushes and smiles back.

After that my dream skips back to Bex and Andi sitting on the couch. And Cyrus too. Cyrus is crying and Andi is telling Bex why he is. The lady who got mad at bowie(I forgot who she is) was upset with Cyrus and Andi also mentioned his dad was very confused. Cyrus adds in “But Tj, and of course my friends, where super supportive. Especially Tj who stood up for me when she said ‘I shouldn’t be gay’ he said to her ‘so what? Your just going to stop loving him because he’s gay? Try being forced to like someone you don’t.’ But that didn’t make me feel any better.”

Bex hugs Cyrus and tells him “Cyrus, listen, everything will be okay. You have the rest of your family, your mom(which he has already told and she was very supportive) and you have us too. If your dad and his family are giving you a hard time, you’re always welcome over here. But again, you have SO many people who love you for who you are. Especially your friends and that’s all you need!” Cyrus stops crying and thanks Bex and tells them he has to leave.

Once he left, Andi is shocked on how Bex calmed him down since no one else could and asked for advice.

Bex laughs and tells her “I mean it’s scary! I don’t blame him! I remember when I first found out I also liked gir-” and stops realizing she just came out to her daughter.

Andi is shocked and says “Wait. Your bisexual?” Bex panics and quickly says “You’re Pan!” But then instantly stops talking realizing what she just had said.

“Wha- wai- how did you know?!” Now Andi accidentally comes out. Bex replies “Shoot. Uhhhhh” Andi says “it’s fine actually. Surprisingly I’m not mad... I guess I wasn’t really thinking about what my sexuality is till you said something, though I knew it.... I guess I just didn’t care?? But really, how did you know?”

Bex takes a deep breath and says “I saw the flag in your shack, and once I did, the pieces started to connect and I figured you were. I guess I also kinda figured I knew... sorry.”

Andi smiles and says “Haha, I figured. Your good at that stuff. But really, I’m not mad. It actually feels nice to come out! But back to you, I didn’t know you were bi... did you date any girls?? Wait Never mind that’s too much. But I do have another question....why are you scared?”

Bex looks down and says “I’m scared because I don’t want to lose any of my family. I don’t think their going to care, I knew you wouldn’t, but what if they do, and I lose them... forever.”

Andi smiles, goes to hug Bex and gives her some advice. “Mom, you should really tell Cece and especially Dad. They won’t care and I know that. And if they do, you have me, Cyrus, Buffy, and more people, and that’s all you need. We all love you for who you are. But whenever you’re ready, I’m ready too.”

Bex smiles and hugs her daughter and gives her a kiss on the head. Thats the end.

Let me just say, THIS WAS ONE OF THE BEST DREAMS! Besides it being Christmas, I want this dream to actually come true.

I’m tagging @joshua-rush bc I lowkey want him to read this.

[that-one-violist]

this is a lot dont read it idk why i decided venting here would be smart i just cant get out of my own headpsace and i formally apologize

Im sorry idk this is a lot of bullshit that doesnt even mame sense i just needed to go off fuck me oof

i miss her more than i could ever put into words. the world will probably always feel a little more empty without her and that is my new reality.

youre born. you live. you experience. you lose. you gain. you love. you cry. you laugh. you exist. you die.

it all sounds so clean cut and clear. but she deserved more of the inbetween points. it doesnt feel so clear anymore. she gave birth to me yet she wont be there if i have my own kid. she raised me yet she wont be there to guide me. she took care of me but i couldnt ever take enough care of her. i didnt have the resources to save her. i didnt have the intelligence or maturity to take more time with her. i didnt push for her to hug me when i left after spring break. i asked. she said she didnt feel well. and i accepted that. little would i know that would be the last oppurtunity for me to embrace her and tell her how much she meant to me and how much she did good for me and how much i wouldnt be where i am today without her, to her face.

i didnt make that call. i fully intended to after my choral performance clinic. but when i grabbed my phone i would only be left with the news that she would never be able to answer my phone calls ever again. i never made that call. i procrastinated. i wanted to ask her about some medic insurance policy stuff and tell her about how im doing in school. at the time i was doing okay academically. i wanted to tell her i would try to get a recording of me playing at the recital, even if only audio, so that she could hear me in solo performance.

i never got that chance. i could blame myself, but i am just human. i fucked up because thats what we do best as people. fuck up and make the best out of it right? i dont remember what her last spoken words to me were. i didnt think id have to remember it.

i miss her. i dont know why im going off on some blog. i just havent felt like this before. the grief is a monster all on its own, but the added stress of college viola music ed classes debt moving out of the dorm finals week recitals masterclasses juries lessons credit card companies mortgages my hands and arms have increasingly become more uncomfortable but i cant believe my own self that i am experiencing any real pain my dads retirement my dad my dad's emotional state i have to take care of him there is no one left to yell at me in a loving way for not taking care of myself and me following along because itd break her heart if she knew i was struggling there is no one that could play that role yet i need it so much apparently im not mature enough to manage myself? i cannot just manage the grief but everything else has piled on im probably going to end up ill at this rate but i cant because i have to finish the semester and pass my classes with at least Bs and do well and be present and seem fine at the very least otherwise my dad would worry and i cant afford to go to the doctor for shit like this

i just want so badly to just stop caring and just let life fuck me up because i dont have it in me to keep going as hard as i am at the moment but its either all or nothing and i cant give up because im not that way and so i just have to make it work and seem fine even though im a fucking dumbass and keep venting 1 sentence randomly to people that dont really need this in their life and im just complaining about stuff i could easily fix i just dont have it in me to at this point

its self destructive and ive had issues with this before but much more direct than this time so maybe its fine and this is all part of the "losing your mom at 19 years young" package and i just need to get used to it and over it but

fuck idk

fuck i dont know why i went off holy shit

ill be okay, ill take care of myself and ill make it work and ill end up happy and well and normal again and ill have the energy to be better academically emotionally socially and physically its just gonna take more time than id prefer

[futurewriter2000]

My comments while watching Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Holy holy holy holy shiiitttt

HarryYYYY POTAHH

Dumbldore you sneaky old man 😏

PROFESOR SLUGHORN !!! Not a big fan of him but I do love the actor

Regulus…………….LOVE HIM ❤

I FORGOT THE WEASLEY TWINS ARE NOT IN HOGWARTS 😭😭😭

They’re still so hot and cute and I love them and i want to hug them and never let go because FRED 😭❤

Snape, snape, SEVERUS SNAPE and his amazing performance to be faithful to the dark lord 👌

Tf is Draco going…I forgot about this part

Draco is so cute…I love Tom Felton❤

Fucking commercial are taking longer than the movie…

CU CUU BITCHES TROUBAAALS COMING BACK TO HOGWARTSSS

shit I love Luna so much

BECAUSE HE IS A DEATHEATER BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF HIS FATHER! HARRY STOP ACCUSING PEOPLE !YOU STUPID!

Pansy………….

Draco smart Draco PUNCH KICK PUNCH… Thats for eavesdropping Harry..Stupid

‘Nice face Potter!“ ohh Draco and your insults…fucking gotta love him

I wish I had as big as apetite as Ron…oh wait…i do….

Its so funny that Tom Riddle is translated into Mark Neelstin in my language and Voldemort into Mrlakenstein….

SHIT MCGONNGAL I FUCKING LOVE HER SO MUCHHH “Pottah, take Weasley with you, he looks far to happy over there.” yasss my fav line

FELIX FELICIS…really why do they even translate it..the translation is terrible

Hermoine is so confused that Harry’s better than her…i love her…poor Hermoine..you’re smart Hermoine

Dumbldore you sneaky old man 😏😏

Dumbldore with short hair…MAKE A MAN BUN!! I WANT A MAN BUN ON DUMBLDORE!!!

The time Dumbldore told Tom Riddle he’s a wizard and fucked up the whole world 👏👏

DRACO AGAIN❤❤ i just want to give him a hug..he doesnt deserve this

FUCK COMMERCIALS…ALWAYS WHEN DRACO COMES ON….

NOOOOOOOOOO I MISSED IT…thats for going to the bathroom to pee…fuck…

GO RON YOU GOT THIS…PROTECT THAT HOOP RONALD

“The binding is fragile.” Harry has the best excuses in the world…Great liar might I say 👌👌

Shit thats creepy…HAGRID TO SAVE THE DAY… i always imagined Katie Bell as a blonde….

How can you translate Severus to Rebeus

STOP BLAMING DRACO HARRY! God if you have no proof than dont do it.

“She’s got nice skin.” LMAO HARRY 😂😂

Harry is so funny at the scene where Hermoine says her parents are dentist and Harry is like all smiley and stuff just so adorable

“I’m sorry sir. Forgive me. He killed my parents.” aren’t you just a smooth talker Harry…seriously…

GO GINNY !!!!!!! THIS IS THE BEST QUIDDITCH MATCH I HAVE EVER SEEN!

Its time to be a big brother now Harry..Hermoine needs you

I see you Draco Malfoy 😉😉

Im so happy Harry thinks Luna is a cool person BECAUSE SHE IS

I cringe at the translation *facepalm*

I bet youre proud Harry for making Cormac puke on Snape…I saw your smug face 😂😂

Draco is so cute when hes angry…so adorable.

All he wants to do is make Lucious proud pleaseeeee dont make him suffer

Co co co mercialssss

FRED AND GEORGE

Shiiiiiiiittt MOOOOOONNNNNNYYYYYY YAIAAIAIIAIAIAIAIAIA 🙌🙌🙌🙌

TONKS ❤❤❤❤

No mom..the movie is still not over

BELATRIX is so wicked…bad…but wicked

HARRY YOU ARE SO STUPID SHE WANTS YOU TO RUN AFTER HER!!!

Run remus run!

Kill the bitch who killed your boyfriend

NOOOOOO THE BURROWWWW 😭molly

What happened to the guy who played Tom Riddle in Chamber of Secrets…i prefered him

Dumbldore you sneaky old man 😏

Snape translated to Raws..just…oh god

Yes he did and Harry you are a terrible spy..cant believe Slughorn didnt find out this sooner

Oh the awkwardnes and Dumbledores comments to break the awkward silence

HOTIE HERE HOTIE THERE DRACO MALFOY EVERYWHERE 🙌🙌

He looks sooo good in a vest 😏

No harry! NO! LEAVE HIM ALONE! DONT YOU DARE HARRY! NO! Fuck you harry! Good thing i’ll know he’ll survive or i would kill you myself…fuck Voldemort I would just throw a rock in your face

Thank you snape for saving my baby…honestly Harry I love you but you’re just so stupid

Why did my dad come home..im still in my pijamas….

This is where the awkward kiss happens…shit..shit…i hate those cringey scenes

lmaoo my dad brought an empty bowl of cookies ..moving on to the movie

NO MOM THE MOVIE IS STILL NO OVER!”

lmaooo Harry being high on Felix Felicis and Slughorn taking Aragorg poison while Hagrid is grieving is so funny…I love this movie

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LILLY GAVE HIM FRANCIS THE FISH OH MY LORD ITS SO SADDD

Not so sneaky now are we Dumbldore 😏😏 Didn’t see that coming

Dumbldore he’s 17 can’t you take Snape or McGonngal … Honestly..

But like….just before you die…can’t you make a man bun…just…my dying wish is to see you in a man bun Dumby

Dumbldore is dead….no man bun for me

I hate the last three parts cuz they are soo saaadddd

Okay I’m done..im going to cry now bc its not fair.

R.A.B- Regulus Arcturus Black….im gonna name my son that

[batmanpaynox]

Who: Niam  when: 13th January 2017 where: Ireland  description: Liam returns home and all truth is out 

@niall-xhoranrp

Liam: Liam came

Liam: Home earlier than he was supposed too he couldn't handle being over there the way things were it was adding stress to everything. He went inside of the house seeing Amy playing with her toys. "Hey baby girl" he smiled to her kneeling down

Niall: Niall was watching some tv as the door opened swallowing hard as liam cane inside but kept his eyes on the tv

Liam: Liam glanced over at him before turning back to Amy "in back earlier than I'm meant to be...."

Niall: Niall didnt say anything just kept his eyes on the tv

Liam: "Shall we go out today baby girl?" He spoke to Amy

Niall: "make sure to dress her well its been cold" he muttered

Liam: "I will...." he gulped standing up holding his hand out for her

Niall: niall nodded and made his way upstairs

Liam: Liam wrapped her up warm in her coat and hat lifting her to carry her. He looked up the stairs taking a small sigh

Niall: he took a deep breath feeling his stomach twist he had no idea what do so

Niall: do

Liam: Liam was hoping Niall would come but he didn't. He just took Amy out to have some fun together he kissed her so much. He was out for a few hours and came back home with her sleeping in his arms

Niall: Niall packed a bag and left a note hes at his moms planning to stay there for the night

Liam: "Niall?" He shouted out hearing how quiet it was looking around for him till he saw the note. He felt awful for what was going on he knew it was his fault. He placed Amy into the car seat Driving to nialls mums house knocking at the door.

Niall: Niall had just walked in and straight to bed. his mom opened givibg him a soft smile "hes upstairs"

Liam: Liam nodded handing Amy gently to his mum not wanting her to be around when he was with Niall. He walked up knocking at the door

Niall: Niall kept quiet holding his pillow to him with back to door obvious he been crying

Liam: He walked into the room carrying a cup of coffee for him that his mum handed him placing

Liam: If it on the side. He sat down on the edge of the bed

Niall: he looked at him not surprised he would come

Liam: He bit his lip "I'm sorry I just left...and the way I have been"

Niall: he sat up" i thought we were better that we could talk to each other, you just came home pissed and then left for days wothout a word"

Liam: "I wanted to talk to you but my head was messed up, I didn't want to take everything out on you how I was feeling so I had to leave, I was scared I'd be worse and really hurt you with words I say. Just seeing your face when I said about sex it made me realise I should go. I kicked off at everyone when I was there, to the point they nearly dropped me... I don't know what's happening to me"

Niall: "it doesn't matter liam, you didnt wcen say bye to me and when you go home it was like i didnt exist. "

Liam: "I kept looking at you before I spoke to Amy but you were just watching tv then went upstairs, I was wanting you to come out with us like that day I said we would have. I dropped everything to come home. You said you didn't care and I upset you how could I say bye it felt like I shouldn't be there"

Niall: Niall wiped some tears just looking down. "you should go home"

Liam: "I came back to sort things... going home is just going to make everything worse if keep avoiding"

Niall: "dont give me that when ur the one who just left "

Liam: "I've just said I came back to talk and to sort things, is this how it's just going to be?"

Niall: "what did you expect? me to jump in your arms? ive felt like shit since you left"

Liam: "I didn't expect that but I thought we could talk about it. I had no choice but to leave they lost everything.... all my music went, I had to record them all again, I was supposed to be there a few weeks but I've worked all day and all night non stop to finish to come home to you" he looked to him "I'm sorry I've made you feel like shit, and I'm sorry how bad I am to you, and how I treated you, I shouldn't of I know"

Niall: "and it didnt accure to you to tell me that before you left ir give me a call? u cane back pushed me away and left . did you think i was honna figure that out myself? "

Liam: "I wasn't going to go I was going to quit everything, so we can have a normal life, as if it was a sign to say don't do it, but it was swirling around in my head, I just didn't know what to do and I panciked"

Niall: "you should of called.. we went to therapy liam because we needed ti talk to each othet and you just did the oposit, ive been blaming myself for days thinking i did something ready to pack my bags when you came home because i thought you wanted me away"

Liam: "I didn't want to talk to you over the phone I wanted to talk properly, you haven't done anything, it's my fault, all of it" he looked down "I do want you around, I just didn't want to be horrible to you"

Niall: "you wouldnt of been if you talked to me"

Liam: "But I couldn't without feeling angry, and I didn't want to take it out on you"

Niall: "can you stop with the excuses"

Liam: "They aren't excuses Niall" he sighed softly

Liam joined the chat 7 days ago

Niall: he looked away staying quiet

Liam: "It doesnt matter what i say you just going to say they are excuses"

Niall: "fine push me away again, don´t talk to me, but if you´re not going to say anything or try to understand how messed up it´s been you might as well go home"

Liam: "Im not even pushing you away, i was telling you but you keep saying its excuses, so i said doesnt matter what i say your going to keep saying it and im trying to say it, im trying niall, i seriously dont know what you want"

Niall: "I want you to at least understand what you did and try to make sense of it all instead of explaining to me what happened try to make it up to me, i´m sat here and I feel so far away from you, how about kiss me or touch me or let me know you still want me. Or tell me whats been going on because it kills me, I don´t know how to react"

Liam: "I do understand what ive done." he climbed up onto the bed crawling over to him. He lifted his head up "I aways want you, and always will, nothing for you has change ever, i still love you as much as i did when we first got together" he stroked his cheek kissing him softly

Niall: he looked at him with his tired eyes from crying kissing him back carefully. "please don´t leave like that again."

Liam: "Im not going to leave like that again, im staying here now, just me you and amy"

Niall: he nodded kissing him softly again " whats going on liam?"

Liam: "What you mean whats going on?" he bit his lip looking at him

Niall: "with you music" he asked looking concerned at him

Liam: "i ws nearly finished everything getting it ready for release, and they called me up saying theylost everything, all the recordings i worked hard on, it was either re do everything or not release anything"

Niall: "babe i´m so sorry " he stroke his cheek

Liam: "its just stressing me out really bad and i just dont know what to do anymore, im tired and sick because of how much ive been working this week its just so hard"

Niall: Niall moved climbing up into his lap stradeling him so he could get a good grip on him hugging him tightly

Liam: Liam wrappd his arms around him hugging into him nuzzling his face into his chest he just sat quietly hugging him

Niall: "I would of been there for you babe" he said playing with his hair

Liam: "I know, i just didnt want you caught up in the middle of it and see me that way"

Niall: he looked at him " i rather see every part of you than be pushed out baby"

Liam: "I know i'm sorry i just didnt think... thats my problem i dont think i just do it"

Niall: he chewed on his inner lip p"hows things now?"

Liam: "I managed to record a fair bit but i didnt want to stay over there, i feel better"

Niall: he nodded" okay" he kissed him softly " i love you

Liam: He kissed him softly in return "i love you too"

Niall: "good" he smiled softly

Liam: "how are you feeling? he asked softly looking at him

Niall: "i got a headache, but im good now when im back in your arms"

Liam: "Do you want some tablet or anything?" he stroked onto his hair

Niall: "yeah" he nodded " can you get me one?"

Liam: "Yeah i will ask your mum and get you some water and stuff"

Niall: "thank you" he kissed him again softly " do you want to go home or can we stay here for the night?"

Liam: "We can stay here, dont want you moving too much when you got a headache and amy is sleeping so i think its best to keep her settled" He kissed him softly standing up

Niall: he nodded laying down sighing as he looked up the ceiling hating a his head

Liam: Liam went to get him some tablets and some water, and something to eat incase he hadn't eaten before taking some tablets. He went back upstairs after making sure Amy was okay but she was still with Nialls mum so he didn't have to worry. He walked back in placing the water down sitting back on the bed. "i got you something to eat i dont want you feeling weak with the tablets" he handed him the small plate first

Niall: he sat up "thank you" he took the water and the tablett and swallowed it down

Liam: "Why don't you take a nice bath to relax yourself and your head might ease a little"

Niall: "im too tired to bath" he pouted" cant we just lay here? can rest my head on your chest and feel you close again"

Liam: "Okay no bath" he smiled taking off his clothing to his boxers to sleep in because that's all he had. He climbed under the covers opening his arms "its freezing in here, how are you so warm"

Niall: "im sweating" he said placing his head on his chest

Liam: Liam reached grabbing a wet sponge to press to nialls head "babe I don't think you are doing good, but your like my hot water bottle"

Niall: "im sweating all over you" he sat up a little "im sorry"

Liam: "Keep this on your head" he placed the sponge on his forehead "you should get checked over"

Niall: "no im fine might be a fever but its all ok" he laid on his back

Liam: "If it gets worse or you feel worse please go..." he looked down at him still cooling his body

Niall: he nodded"i promise" he gave him a small smile "i love you"

Liam: "Thank you" he was worried every time Niall was sick he hated it and wished he could do more. "I love you" he whispered stroking his cheek

Niall: he closed his eyes enjoying his touch not taking long before he ended up falling asleep

Liam: He made sure he was asleep kissing his forehead softly "sleep tight my baby" he whispered laying down beside him drifting not long after

Niall: Niall kept waking up feeling shit during the night finally able to sleep well in the norning

Liam: Liam kept checking on him when he woke. Making sure he was okay. He woke early in the morning laying quietly

Niall: niall woke up a bit after liam running his hands over his face

Liam: "Morning" he whispered "how you feeling?" He asked almost straight away showing his worry

Niall: "i bit better" he said quietly looking at him

Liam: "good, glad you feeling a bit better" he kissed him softly

Niall: he kissed him back giving him a small smile

Liam: "You look all tired baby" he pouted to him

Niall: "i haven´t slept well" he cuddled closer to him " how are you baby?"

Liam: "Is there anything i can do for you" he rubbed onto his back soothingly. "I'm okay now im back here with you"

Niall: he gave him a soft smile " just be here with me?"

Liam: "I'm not planning on going anywhere" he grinned kissing his head softly

Niall: he smiled enjoying his lips on his skin " you know if amy is awake?"

Liam: "No she was sleeping in your mums room with her so didn't dare go in incase I woke your mum, she might of shouted" he laughed softly

Niall: he smiled up at him taking his hand in his " I don´t think my mom would of liked that"

Niall: "she likes you , but not uninvited to her bedroom"

Liam: He linked their fingers playing softly with nialls "she would die if she woke up and saw me in there, and I don't want her to hate me"

Niall: "my mom would never hate you.. unless you hurt me or amy which i know you´ll never do" he kissed his hand

Liam: "I could never hurt you both, I'd hate myself and couldn't live with it" he smiled softly "did I hurt you when I left...."

Niall: he looked at him swallowing" you did...i thought it was me, it hurt me you didnt talk and that youd just leave without saying bye, even if i was angry, you didnt call either and i thought me calling would make it worse ,"

Liam: Liam nodded "I knew I did, I hated myself for just leaving, I wanted to call but I was scared you wouldn't want to talk to me after what I did and how I treated you, I was so horrible to you, I still have forgive myself for doing it, but I'll never do it again, I wanted you there, to help me, pick me back up when I fell, but I didn't give you that chance"

Niall: "let me help you now" he stroke his thimb over the back of his hand" and promise not to do that again"

Liam: A tear slipped down his cheek he finally let himself break not often letting himself cry he always was strong for Niall. He nodded "I don't know if I can do it Niall."

Niall: Niall sat up as he saw him cry wiping his tear before pulling to him " yes you can baby, i know you can"

Liam: Liam cuddled into him "but I see you and your amazing and you shine so much out there, what if people still don't like me? Or the style of music? I worry every time I go in there

[a-goddessofmischief]

My grandfather passed away on December 1st last year. 11 days before my birthday. We weren’t as close anymore as we used to be but we were still very close.

For a little background, I grew up without my biological father. He left when I was very young and I’ve never seen him. It kind of got harder when I was in school because people would pick on me. It also didnt help that I called my grandfather “Dad”. Thats just what everyone else called him when I was growing up so thats what I called him.

It was very sudden. He had a heart attack, which the doctor didn’t realize that he had one until something happened. I cant remember if he had another heart attack or if his defribulator kept going off but they put him in a chemical induced coma without our consent. It was his only option to keep him alive though. That was followed by four of the longest days of my life. I don’t remember eating or showering. We barely slept. One minute he was going to be released and the next everything went black.

The day he was supposed to be taken to another hospital was the day he passed. His heart just kept failing him and there was no way they could’ve moved him. We were called in at 4 am, and if I thought the four days prior were long, those last five hours he lived were an eternity.

We weren’t sure how long he had left that morning. He already had to be revived twice when the nurse called us. So there wasnt a minute to spare and the only way in our local hospital to the ICU was from the ER which was on the other side. The parking sucks on the ER side so my mom pulled up and told me that I had to run to him. I took off my sweater, held my phone, and tightened my laces. The moment the car slowed down I jumped out. I held my phone in my hand and ran. The hospital is huge and there were so many halls. I had never been through the hospital this way so i was trying my best to think and pay attention to where i was.

My phone rang and i didnt look to see who it was. It was my aunt. She was driving and trying to come to the hospital. She was crying and trying to hold it together. I kept telling her to breathe and to mind the road. She seemed to understand and as soon as I got her calm i found myself in front of the ICU door. Theres only one door and it has a lock that cant be opened from the outside. There was always another nurse in front to push the button to open the door but she wasnt there. I didnt know if my grandpa was still alive or not. I couldnt be on the phone with my aunt if he was gone. I told her i had to hang up and she screamed.

That sound haunts me. I told her to breathe and that I find her and drag her here if i had to. But she had to make it here. She responded in a shaky voice an answer I will never forget. “Meg, tell him that if he has to go that we’ll be okay. Its okay for him to go.” I hung up. Determined more than ever before to get through that damn door. I banged on it with both my fists and shouted but no one from the other side approached the door. I turned and saw a janitor and begged him to open the door. He stared at me for a second.

My unbrushed hair, wrinkled jeans and grey thermal top, my eyes red and burning. I felt myself shaking from my head to my toes from shock. He went over and hit the button to open the door. I ran down the hall and I only screamed one word.

“DADDY!”

i skidded to a halt in front of the door to his room. There was a large group of nurses and paramedics blocking my way. A nurse came forward to hug me but i peeled myself away and walked through the door.

His heart was beating still. He was so still. Looked like he was taking a nap if there hadnt been a balloon in his chest and tubes coming from his throat.

The nurse was talking, I have no clue what she said. But i turned and saw my mom and thats when I remembered how close my aunt was. Mom stayed as I ran back down the hallways, i got to the door as soon as my aunt did. We ran all the way back, i knew the way now and the nurses were waiting holding it open for us.

So much happened. We surrounded him for several minutes begging him to hang on when his monitor stopped. They pulled us out of the room and took us down a hallway. My mom stayed by his door but my aunt went from hysterical to defeated.

My calm and cool and never panic aunt was breaking in front of me. She kept talking to herself about everything she did wrong. She was blaming herself. She shouldve stayed overnight, she shouldve done this and that.

She slumped against a wall and sank to the floor. She kept shaking her head and blaming herself.

My mother was doing the same thing two days before. Almost exactly word for word. It blows me away sometimes how similar they are.

I kneeled in front of her and held her head in my hands. I tried to get her to look at me but she kept her eyes closed. “Listen to me. I know you’re tired and I know this us hard. But we’re going to fight. We’re going to keep fighting because thats how we were raised. Thats how Dad raised us. And you’re not gonna blame yourself, its not your fault. You have to stop saying tgat because my mom is blaming herself too.” She opened her eyes and it seemed like she was seeing me for the first time. The nurse came over and told us he was with us and she jumped up and ran to my mom’s side. They were twin pillars, holding my world together as it came crashing around us. They left for a few minutes to make calls to his siblings to come to him. I was alone with him. Holding his hand and watching his face, brushing his hair back. The nurses and paramedics left the room. I was alone with him. I had so much to say but i didnt know how long I had to say it. Just the day before I was alone with him again and had begged him to hold on for us because I had forgotten how to change a tire and who was going to teach my cousin Lee if he left us? Who was going to raise his chickens? Buy laptops every time they updated? Get ice cream treats? Who could possibly do the things he did. In that moment, I figured out my answer. “Dad. I promised you when Ashley’s kids were born that I would watch over them when you couldn’t. I promise to watch over them and teach them everything you taught me. I promise to be there for grandma and mom and ashley. I promise to do everything I can for them, Dad. If you have to go, i just need you to know that I was the luckiest girl to have you as my grandpa. I don’t want you to go, but I know you have to. I love you so much Daddy.“ My mom and aunt came back at that point and started making calls to hold the phone up to his ear so our family who was too far could at least tell him good bye. I started blabbering. Talking about stories about him. Our adventures on road trips or at work or this and that. After awhile I started to hear how desperate I sounded. I kissed his forehead for the last time and ran out. My boyfriend had come and i collapsed in his arms sobbing and telling him how I couldn’t stand that damn heart monitor sound any longer. He hugged me and sat me down and soothed me till I could at least breathe at a somewhat normal pace. Then he went back to the room. I was in the hall crying and trying to maintain some composure. He came back a couple minutes later and took me to the waiting room where we sat for the next hour. He talked at times but I dont remember what he said. I justed stared at the off white linoleum. The next few hours are kind of a blur of a couple family members coming up to me and other people rushing past but i couldn’t register anything until my mother came out and told me he was gone. She put her car keys in my hand and said something about paperwork. My boyfriend walked me out the same hallway I ran through. The sun had risen but I didnt know what time it was. The car seemed to get further away. Each step weighed me down morethan the last. It felt like everything was moving in fast forward except me. I stopped and started screaming. My boyfriend held me and i sobbed and hung onto him as my knees gave out. I felt like my world had come crumbling down and screaming was the only thing that I had control over. I stopped eventually and went back inside to give my mom her keys back. My boyfriend gave me a ride home and for the next week, me and mom stayed at my grandmas and just cried and slept. And now, roughly 9 months later, it doesn’t feel like anything is actually easier. I still have moments where I feel like theres a boulder on my chest and it takes every ounce of energy just to swallow a bite of food. The only thing that keeps me going is my promise. Even though the pain is constant, it feels lessened when I take care of my family and other people. I don’t normally post this kind of stuff. I just have these feelings sometimes that things don’t feel whole since I can’t share them with my grandpa. It’s like having a puzzle but youre missing the piece that finishes the picture. Every single day is a battle. A battle with my depression, a battle with the fact that hes gone, my family is smaller without him. I never told anyone what happened from my own perspective. No one asked me how I felt or what I did. Not a lot of people know I was there that morning. My grandpa wasn’t a celebrity or anything close to it, but he was to me. It was suggested to me that I write what happened and at least then its out in the open and not trapped inside my head playing over and over again. I’m not doing this for notes or attention. Just to feel a tiny bit free from my overwhelming grief. At least its a step toward moving on. Thank you for reading.

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

[tempestuous-cosplay]

Flower Asks

Alisons: Sexuality?

Demi-romantic poly-pansexual.

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

They Them non-binary 

Amaryllis: Birthday?

July 20!!!!! Gunna be 25

Anemone: Favorite flower?

Can’t choose. But its something blue, purple, or red. I really like Hydrangeas and Narcissus flowers.  

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

Brooklyn 99, Avatar the Last Airbender, MeatEater

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

Depends on whats needed. 

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

ah, man, i don’t fuckin know. Probably the line “Change IS nature, dad, the part we can influence. And it all starts when we decide.” from ratatouille 

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

Water, milk, then sprite. Unless we talkin booze, tequilla.

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ABSOLUTELY 

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yup. Would love to have that again one day, but not now. 

Baneberries: Favorite song?

Under My Skin by Jukebox the Ghost at the moment, but consistantly its Pierre by Rynn Weaver. 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Better than some but has its issues. 

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I have 5 closest friends whom i LOVE and talk to with any regularity. 

Begonia: Favorite color?

PURPLE

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

DRAGON

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

I like being awake in the morning bc then it feels like i have so much time to do stuff, but my sleep schedule always shifts to being a night owl.

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

a Kite or a hawk for all that fancy flying.

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A veterinarian, a puppeteer, or the next david attenborough. 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

I eventually want ONE, just one, of my own when I’m living with a community who will help me raise them. But really, i think too many people are having children who just should not be parents. 

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Being in love again bc the last times its happened I got traumatized.

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I always used to say i would never get tattoos and now i have one and plans for more. Ain’t gunna stop till im covered.

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

I would travel up to my friend @b-oredzoi and spent the day with her. She ain’t got a choice. 

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single but with some FWB situations goin on.

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

anywhere outside continental US. Im not picky. Top choices Kyoto Japan, the french countryside, p much anywhere in africa.

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when im tripping on acid or when my friends are hugging me real tight. 

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

YEAH, got one on my thigh. 

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

YUP, lobes and one cartilage 

California Poppy: Height?  

5′4 and hating every second of it. Wish i was taller. 

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

100%

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

skill boxers stolen from an ex-friend and a shirt that im not 100% sure is mine??? but I’ve had it for a year and wear it all the time soooooooooooo. Mine now

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

I used to sleep with the closet light on until i was, like..... 14? 15?

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

myyyyy mom prolly.

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

my pal Eli

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

something swoopy and pretty. Or the one thats just emojis. 

Columbine: Are you tired?

always

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

getting top surgery and corona being over. 

Coneflower: Dream job?

philanthropist actor/ director. 

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

ambivert. 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

We did this with balsom fir. anyway, yes i have been!!

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

depending on who they are, as far as they needed me to. I don’t THINK i would kill anyone, but there are a few people i would willingly die for. 

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

A green and purple dragon named Puff, who i still have. He’s always either in my bed or on a shelf in my room. 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Cancer

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Didn’t die. Helped stop my grans house from burning down. 

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

so far its getting my associates degree. Either that or dragging myself out of a horrible depressive, self destructive spiral in 2018-2019, getting the help i needed, and doing better for myself and those around me.

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

figure out why and wither resolve it or dump the partner.

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

my dad prolly. 

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

Crafty stuff. and animal trivia. 

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

organizing anything, remembering dates, statistics. 

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

Got okayed for top surgery

got surprise money!

Got a sentimental piece of art from my grandparents (at long last.)

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

p solid. Helped my dad with some yard stuff, made a yummy dinner, saw most of the supplies i need for a new project shipped. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

mmmmmmm not really, but im getting there.

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Graduate, move out, get a good, fulfilling job. Travel some more. 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

The friends who stuck around

my plushie collection

my tarot collection

my print collections from cons

finally having a queen sized bed

books

my pets (wow, almost forgot about them)

my fursuit making skills

my hair

my gently rising self esteem 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

petting soft things, reading, watching Ghibli movies. 

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

all them love languages bro. Every single one. I tailor my affection to the individual and what love language they receive most.   Mostly, I cook for people.

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

We’ve done this one too!

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Its a nice balmy 72 degrees with a nice breeze. The sun is shinning with some clouds here and there. I go to the zoo with some friends/ a friend and we just share random facts about our favorite animals. we get some cute plushies at the gift shop and then go to a wonderful meal, either greek or korean bbq or Pho and we go back to someones house to watch movies and vibe, sleepy, warm, and content. 

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?

read, craft, organize my room, draw, garden, swim.  

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I dont have a singular “Best friend”. I do have my Inner circle tho!

Laura- we met my freshman year of collage, first day and we click INSTANTLY. She’s my soulmate and I would go to hell and back for her (RIP to Orphius, but im different)

Bly- we met, like, back in 2014/2015 at house parties but didn’t really start getting SUPER close like we are now until, like, 2017/18/19 ish. Really the only person I actively talk to every single day, my mood twin. We share a braincell. 

Syd- we met at, like, Momocon 2014? 2015?? something like that???? bc we roomed together. We started getting close in 2016 by bonding over fursuit stuff. My go to roadtrip partner. I kinda owe my current joy for life to her bc she helped me through my hell time in 2018 but kicking my ass and teaching me how to make fursuits. 

Eli- we met at Dragon-Con through a mutual friend in 2014, but didn’t really get close until may of 2019. Now we’re p much partners in everything but title bc we just don’t have romantic feelings for eachother. We share a therapist and hang out at least 3 times a month.

Shane: We’ve been friends since, like, 2010 but started getting close in 2017 when they helped me get a job. Then we just,,, stuck around. They kick my ass to get out of the house and do stuff, or did before corona 

Sammi : Friends since 2010 when we were in highschool together. Our friendship was super rocky until we were in different schools and smoothed out as we aged and matured. They are the reason i got into conventions  and cosplay as a whole, so they have only themselves to blame for how I am now. 

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Eli and laura. 

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

my inner circle is, like, 6 people, but friends as a whole like.... idk.... 20?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

“Your gender vibe, is, like, primordial. Its a perfect blend of masculine, feminin and things that are just indescribable.”

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I hate myself, to be perfectly honest. But Im trying my best to be a good person and a good friend, so I don’t have to like me, as long as the people who matter do. 

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my hair. Also how much better at communication i’ve gotten. 

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

my adhd and the social symptoms of that.  

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked swinging and listening to the sounds of shoes on carpet. Good stim time.

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

I never really had a best friend for more than 2 years. They would always move away, So i don’t really have a solid “best friend as a kid.” Why yes, I do have abandonment issues. 

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

How my last relationship ended. I pulled some STUUUUUUUPID shit and never got to own up to it or hold the other person accountable for the harm they did to me. It was just overall horrible and never got any type of closure. Likely never will. But it be that way sometimes. 

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

My grandfather died last week and i feel........ almost nothing bc I honestly really did not like the man. He was horrible to me growing up and horrible to my mother while my grandmother was sick and dying. But he did a number of good things too. But I feel guilty for not mourning him more. 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

I chose Sawyer bc when I was younger, I was very good at wriggling my way out of work and my mom and aunts would call me “Tom Sawyer”. I also just like Mark Twain and the name Sawyer in general. Feels good

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

In the suberbs of atlanta in a nice house on the Chattahoochee river. I’m actually still living there while I finish school. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Rosey wall paper and gross maroon carpet until 7th grade, when we painted it all blue and put in blue carpet. It was, and is, very VERY blue. Im gunna be painting 2 walls different colors soon.

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

Miserable, tbh. A lot of shit happened when i was 16 that left me with a lot of trauma and issues that I didn’t really have the maturity or energy to deal with while in highschool on top of being queer and dealing with that. So it was a lot of fighting with parents, self loathing, and struggling in school. It had its beautiful wonderful moments that I love with all my heart, but for the most part it was just kinda rough. 

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

Georgia born and raised. She tries her best and is a wonderful mother, but we clashed a lot growing up bc she’s fairly neurotic and likes everything to be precise and orderly and perfect and im... ADHD so sometimes close enough is all you’re going to get. Growing up, i couldn’t communicate what was going on with me or happening in my head very well at all, and it caused a lot of tension. 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

Hes from Bogota colombia and im almost a carbon copy of him. That means our issues with ADHD have a happen of blowing up at eachother. He’s horrible and constructive communication, but overall is sweet and funny and very very clever. My relationships with both of them are p okay nowadays with a few spats here and there that I will deal with when I don’t live with them anymore. 

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

I never met my paternal grandparents. My maternal grandfather died when I was 6 and i hardly remember him.

My maternal step grandfather was.... not a good man but he was interesting and incredibly smart and fairly liberal. So there was that at least. But, to be honest, I hated the guy.

My maternal grandmother was one of my favorite humans in the world. She spent her whole life a highschool science teacher. She was funny, witty, elegant, a fairly talented cook who always encouraged me in everything I tried. Im still dealing with some emotional stuff regarding her passing, but Im just always so glad i got to spend as much time with her as I did. 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

haha shit. Maybe my 21? A bunch of friends and i went and hung out at a park then got hammered at my house after. 

Peony: What was your first job?

Working at the summer camp i went to as a kid. Debating going back if I ever can. 

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

I want my future partner to be a friend where things just, grew and blossomed. 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Emotional? I try to be constructive and communicative about who or what caused it and doing something productive to help deal with it.

Physical, i just ignore it until it goes away. 

Pink: Where is home?

Wherever Im going to sleep that night. 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

When my ex broke up with me, I would have cut all ties all together instead of try the whole “we can stay friends” bullshit. I would have just “I don’t hate you, but If we aren’t going to be together, I can’t be friends with you until I’ve had some time to heal.”

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

nope

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’ve made my fortune and when I say things people listen, but I can also run away to my beautiful little homestead with my queer friends and wife and all our animals and children living together in a wonder queer commune. I get to travel twice a year and i never have to worry about money. 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

hmmmm. No idea.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

can’t pick one person.

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

wind chimes probably.

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oh man, too many to choose. I’ve lived a wonderful life so far. 

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Too many to choose. THe night I got dumped, my grandmothers funeral, my friends funeral, some others that I don’t wanna talk about due to triggers. bleah

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

I want..... soup dumplings. 

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Depends. really intense or personal feelings involving my depression or emotions is almost impossible to talk about. But my feeligns about films and stuff i have 0 issues talking about. 

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Laura

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

idk, like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

School

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

im.... technically self employed/ unemployed. I want a job tho. 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My killstar hoodie. 

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Disaster gay.

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

A tarot deck

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Corona virus. and money. 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

The entire Heros Of Olymus series The lightning thief and Sea of monsters The trials of Apollo The last unicorn.

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

ideally living with friends and one year away from graduation.

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

*sweats* yea

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

im a witch

[chicken2potato]

7/26/19

I remember the night it happened. I felt bad for you. I did. But I also had such hope.

'This is it.'

'He's going to finally leave her.'

'We can finally be together again.'

I remember I was trying to help you. I could tell you didn't really want help from me though. I don't blame you.

You messaged me that Thanksgiving morning. You asked if we could talk. I was pissed off at you. I think you ignored me for a day or so, assuming because you were trying to fix things. But I was mad. I thought this gave us the opportunity we were always talking about and you weren't going for it. I was pissed. I told you I was with family and I'd talk later. I hadnt even left the house yet to go see them, I just wasn't ready to talk to you.

I messaged later that day. I don't remember what. But I remember asking if we were still friends, you never answered me.

Come the next school day I remember trying to get some clues from you, trying to read your facial expressions, trying to understand what happened, trying not to accept that I already knew.

You picked her.

I was devastated for months. I stayed up crying in my bed. Asking someone, anyone, why? Laying in bed asking the air why? Why would he say all those things and do the opposite? He told me he loved me. He told me he was scared of her. He told me he was going to leave her one day. But he never did. Instead he left me. He pretended like I didn't exist for 4 months.

I remember when I got the message request. Even before I clicked on it I knew it was from you. I actually didn't click on it for a day or so. Just because I wanted to ignore you like you ignored me. I couldn't do it. So I opened it. Did what you said. Next thing I knew we were talking again. I don't really remember too much of how it happened. I think I intentionally forgot things. Maybe because I didnt want to deal with the emotions? I'm not sure.

I understand why you chose her. To be honest, if I was in the same position, I can't say I wouldnt have done the same thing. Truth be told, I dont know what I would have done.

It still messes with me. I have a lot of trust issues. I still trust people though, I'm always trying to find the good in people, hoping that they aren't like the last person.

My dad was probably the one to start it off. I mean, its my dad, I'm supposed to be his little girl. Instead I was nothing to him.

My brother dealt with a lot. Out stepfather was really abusive towards him and he took it out on me. Choked me, held knives to my throat, hit me, and things I'll never tell anyone. It hurt dealing with him at home and bullying at school.

In 8th grade was when it started. Someone had mentioned that they did it. They had told me their back story and why they did it. I thought maybe it would help me, too. Go figure the first ones that I ever did to myself left the most prominent scarring. I think its kind of ironic, to be honest. A constant reminder of everything. I don't even think they've faded at all over the years. They're just there.

I started to really get into church. I think I may have been looking for an escape. Something to help me. I didnt have anyone at home. My mom tried, but she was a single mom. She had to work a lot to support us so she wasn't around that often. Its not her fault. But I didn't have anyone. The church people became my family. I just always felt that I could be myself around them.

Hana and I became best friends. She probably knows the most right behind you. She was there for a lot of it. She was the first person to know what I was doing. She helped me get out of it. And through it all she still loves me. Sometimes I think that's why even though I hate trusting people, I still do it. Because of her. Because I think to myself, 'If she is in my life, seen everything thats happened, and still chose to love me, maybe there are others out there just like her.'

Then you came into my life. I remember sitting in the biology class. For some reason I kept feeling like I was drawn to you. Like I knew you were going to be my friend. I dont know how I knew it, I just did.

I don't remember if our first conversation was talking about scircles and snausages (I think thats what it was), or the one day we were outside eating and you told the story of your dead hamster. I fell in love with your personality. I knew I had to be friends with you. I just had to talk to you. I was more shy back then and I'm pretty sure you're the one who kept it going.

We became best friends. You made Gardiner a million times better. You made Gardiner finally feel like home.

I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot of wishes as well. I still day dream about our farm down in Georgia. I still think about what it would be like. A huge part of me wishes things had gone differently. I miss you. So much. Its so hard working with you. There's so many times where reaching for your hand still feels like an instinct and I have to stop myself. Its been years. I don't think thats ever going to leave. I dont think my love for you will ever go away.

I don't want you or her to worry though. I'm not going to act on anything. You guys are married. You have the rest of your lives together and I think you guys are gonna make it. Sure, I wish it was me, but I'm happy that you're happy.

I will always love you. Being with Cub was weird for me. I think because I thought about you a lot. He would say something and it would remind me of you and for a moment I would wish I could go back and give you one more hug. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

But it wasn't a good relationship. I think he was using me. He pushed a lot to do stuff with me. I don't know if you know the story of David from the Bible, but basically he was somewhere where he wasn't supposed to be, committed adultery, and then plotted murder to cover it up. But in the Bible he was also called a man after God's own heart. He tried to use David as an excuse to do stuff. He said if David could do all that and still be called a man after Gods own heart than it can't be that bad. But the difference between him and David is that David knew it was wrong and tried to fix it. Cub knew it was wrong and didn't care.

He told me he loved me and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be treating me like he was, essentially saying that by doing what we were he was showing me his love. But doing things like that isn't the only way to show you love somebody.

I broke up with him. Within a week he had moved onto another girl. He went from saying he knew it was Gods will to saying if God was telling him to move on he would in a matter of three days.

He told me he loved me. We did things. And then he just treated me like I never existed. It reminded me a lot of you. From that time. I was always thinking to myself that I should get used to being single. Guys only come around for what they want and then leave. They tell you they love you until they get what they want. Or get caught.

To be honest, I dont know if I will ever get with someone. I think I want to. But I'm so scared. So many people have done so much. They've used me and I dont know how much more I can take of it. I try to see the best in people but its getting harder to. I don't want that to happen.

I dont know where life will take me. I don't know who I will meet. I don't know what will happen even a year from now. I dont know how others will treat me, but I know how I will treat others. I've learned a lot over the past few years. My mistakes have taught me a lot. I just pray that I can treat the next person better than the last. I just hope I can be a better person and stop hurting others.

Life is crazy. You never know whats going to happen.

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i spoke to jill and this is the first time she didnt completely bitch on me, like i told her about the blog and what i kinda wrote and how its gotten so repetitive but helps me deal with the fact i cant text you all this stuff. she asked if i would ever show you and i said no unless you didnt believe me when i say i still love you or if say we were to get back together and we were like hanging out and you needed some reassurance that i still love you so much and that you are more than enough for me. i told her that these are all raw feelings and some things i would be hesitant to let you read but i feel that i shouldnt hold back my experience especially since this is how i always felt. i told her that i mentioned i never felt 100% comfortable around your family and she said okay maybe then dont show him. i told her that its not something youve never known and how ive always been so honest with you. like when your mom was talking about politics and i kinda tensed up and you took over the convo or when i went to vanessas house and when i was in a convo you would jump in. at first i hated it it drove me crazy because i was trying to get to know them but after you told me its because you knew that was a hard thing for me to do. and she said that was absolutely adorable of you. she also said that she misses you a lot. she misses sitting on the couch while we watch “stupid” shows and you explaining every little detail. it was cute. i wasnt the only person who loves and misses you, my family loves and misses you too. she just didnt want to tell me earlier because she didnt know how i would react. she also said somehting to me that made me feel a lot better about this whole thing. if im being honest, ive gotten really crazy, like whenever i go on insta i always check to see if youre on too. its weird but comforting its the only thing i have of you actively still. im so sorry if i do end up showing you this and you think im crazy but maybe i am? but anyway i stayed up all night the day before my chem final studying and i noticed you werent on for a while so i figured you went to sleep. i never ever post stories to my finsta and i did this night so i wanna say a notification went out mentioning that i posted a story. you were the second person to see it so i guess once you saw the notification you checked. it made me feel better about this, like maybe you were checking to see if i was out or how i was doing or something, but it felt like okay he still cares. when i told jill that she agreed with me on how you still cared and that it was good. i just wish i knew how you felt. i dont want to be the fool who was waiting this whole time to find out you actually didnt care. but jill also brought up a good point that i havent thought of in a while. when i was freaking out and going through our texts over and over and over again, the words you chose whether you thought about them or not did show a little of your intentions. it was just the actions that threw me. but words like “separated” and “if you want to end it all completely” and how you really need this for you. i just read over our messages, im sorry i was so mean and selfish, i just going through the motions ya know? every day felt like forever and i do still wake up every morning hoping for a call from you. i just never knew how i could get through another day without talking to you. i think the only reason i havent called yet was because this is keeping me from it. jill said that you probably do wanna call me or text me, but youre nervous to because we agreed at the end of the semester. youre probably sitting there hoping id call you too in the back of your head and maybe were both sitting here like uuhh end of the semester. the way she talked to me tonight it feels like right after your last final youll call.. it would be really cool if you did. i mean then we could figure everything out. it seems like a much bigger possibility that you would need more time, but i just want to hear your voice again. i wanna see you i wanna give you a hug and pull any sadness or worry out of you. i wanna be on talking terms with you because i definitely do not like this. i cant see you jumping for the phone once you get out, but i could see you thinking about it. reading over our messages i hate myself. i was so mean to you i was so selfish i wasnt as understanding as i was right away compared to a few days later. i wanted to but i just felt this huge weight on my heart and i felt it breaking and i had no idea what to do. i hope you havent moved on. i hope im still yours in your head. maybe at first glance i have been showing you that i moved on, but look a lil deeper. i havent, in fact i think i miss you more now than ever before. its been a month and i still think about you every day and still wanna love you and get married and have babies. if that was too quick for you im sorry, i just never saw a future with someone more than you. i was really really selfish. i mean i kept thinking about the work ive done and discrediting all the things that you have done for yourself. it takes courage to let someone you love go for the sake of yourself. it doesnt sound courageous it sounds obvious to do but it is not an easy task. i mean that aside everything else youve done. im looking at it as okay this is what you have this is what you have to do, but its probably much easier to say to do it than to actually have it and get it done. i probably shouldve recognized that more. i mean i see it first hand every day. but i cannot stress how proud i was and how proud i still am of you trying therapy trying to get a schedule trying to do the thing that you have to do for yourself all while working to keep me happy. thank you for that. it took me a little bit longer to see and its not something thats easy for me to stay completely calm with because of the type of relationship we have, but please know that i do want to. i didnt want to put the blame on you above having to work with you for this for so long for you to dump me. i should have never added that burden onto you. i never would take back those six months, i never would ever want you to think i just did that because we were in a relationship, i want you to know that i did try working with you because i wanted to. it was brave of you to tell me all these things. youre very prideful and i can only imagine what it took for you to even bring this stuff up with me. i should have been much more level-headed and understanding. i wish i could have made you happier, i wish i couldve been a stronger girlfriend for you, i wish you didnt have to go through all of that alone for so long. im happy you told me though, im happy you were mature enough to do something so risky for the sake of you and us. it shows me who you are as a person. (just next time can we try to work together, im just thinking hypotheticals but if we were married or had a family and needed time to step back... i dont know how that would play out.) for that tho im praying you learned a new way to calm yourself down when things got overwhelming or maybe a new hobby so if you started to feel sad or needed time away from life you werent just sitting in bed becuase although that might feel great it does more damage than anything else. im praying you learned more about what causes this, whether its a big paper coming up, or a grade thats expected, or maybe you slipped in one class and now youre slipping in another that makes you not want to do any work. something so that when it does happen you can be like no i know this pattern lets try to subside it. thats ultimately what i want you to be able to do and maybe this break was what you needed the most. i should've known better tho, i shouldve known that you werent yourself and things were off and it wasnt something wrong with me but something wrong with you. i mean the signs were there. not jillian or carols signs but they were there. i cant wait to hear about everything that youve done! im so excited to hear form you again. i hope its sooner rather than later, but either way id be happy. i love you so much and ill always love you with all of my heart, never think that i wont please.