#but now it’s different
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It’s strange, I’m used to hyperfixating hard on things like HARD (beats my 2yr long beetlejuice musical obsession back with a stick) but Starbreaker- not even fantasy high itself took me over to the point of feeling like a teen about. Like I haven’t had this much fun in fandom in years. I haven’t like- interacted with people this much in fandom in years (which is still not enough but if I beat myself up about social interaction again I’ll jump off a cliff)
But there’s never been a concern of like “this obsession won’t fade for a while but it’ll lose popularity” and that’s fine and surprisingly it hasn’t. But it is different. It’s like adapting to it constantly as the thing itself changes even when there are aspects that you’d like to stay the same. Like that ‘I don’t go to this school of thought, but I’ll still take the class bc it’s interesting’ sorta thing.
And then there’s that feeling of WANTING to contribute but the thing has become such a beast that it’s like oooh I’m so out of my depths here.
Also like constantly having to look myself in the eye and be like ‘bitch you don’t have to talk or contribute to EVERYTHING’ and the sooner I accept that and accept that it is what it is, ill miss things, I won’t get enjoyment out of every aspect and every aspect isn’t for me and that that isn’t a bad thing, I’ll stop having moments of feeling weird and out of place. I have my lil corner and that’s okay
#ngl I think the biggest ‘culture shock’ ig about being in fandom is that tagging systems have changed so much or something bc I’m used to#walking in a tag and that’s where you find everything#but now it’s different#things are tagged wayyy differently and it means missing things or setting aside time to go down a list to check every blog#I dunno#I always feel a little weird about main tagging sb stuff now bc I’ll check the tag and it’s like oh? things are slowing down#but it’s like nooo bc of tagging and different lanes entirely I’m just missing stuff#idk what this is I’m just talking but it’s strange#I think I’m bad at fandom and that defeats the purpose of it bc it’s recreational#it’s supposed to be fun.#it’s /supposed/ to be fun#I saw a post the other day of someone that’s in this purely for Jace and having similar feelings of being out of the loop and it got me#thinking bc on some part I’ve contributed to it and I’ve probably clogged tags#but the lizard part of my brain that gets the dopamine boost from getting a note is like if I don’t main tag it won’t be seen#but truly either way I am mostly talking to myself lmao#so yah know? idk it should be fun#idk what this is and idk if I’ll fully ever commit to a different/quieter tagging system#bc tumblr is the place I got to scream and be annoying without being told it’s too much and some how I’ve convinced myself that on my own#blog and fandom spaces I enjoy that I’m just annoying#and I don’t wanna think that#I think I’m tired. like hyperfixation hasn’t died but the part of me that’s hungry for being completely consumed by it is tired#my one fear is that I’ll be so annoying that my fic will finish and no one will care#which isn’t true bc I’ll care until the bitter end lmao#idk I’ve talked so much that I’m like oh I’ve done the thing again I should shut up#also this is too like- self focused way too self focused#which just makes it worse bc then I’m like that’s what got me in this mess#but goddamn there’s just so much shit I’m missing out on and interactions I’d like to have but about things that I’m out of my depths on#so it made fandom a little lonely and a little secular#feeling like a kid on the outs#I want that feeling to die especially about the things I love
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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the curse of adhd:
i will remember with absolute clarity, when the thought strikes me that i have a text to send someone, that this is the fourth time in three days i've attempted to send this specific text
i will forget, in the time it takes me to pick up my phone, that i picked it up intending to send a text
#every time#managed to actually send it today!#but also i have been reminded to post this by the fact that i just had a task to do in two different rooms just now#so i turned the light on in the room i was getting to second because my brain would go 'oh why is the light on that's weird'#and check the room and it would remind me to do the second task#in the less than five seconds between turning the light on and exiting the room#my brain went 'oh the light's on better turn that off before i leave'#and i had to manually catch myself#PLS.#adhd
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
#cw: suicidal ideation#cw: suicide#cw: self harm#cw: mental health#cw: depression#i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it#i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves#so. please dont#for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic#with the state of the world as it is#having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful#but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full#and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead#i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us#there is no fix-all#and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile#i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it#thank you for reading#and please stay alive#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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– Noor Unnahar, Instagram account "noor_unnahar"
[TEXT ID: / [Lemons] / My father's mother loved lemons. Years after her passing, / we run out of everything, but never / lemons. / Nothing else shelters grief / better than memory. / It's my father way of saying, / even in your absence, you will be / cared by me. / END ID]
#reminds me of my mom who now watch english movies even though english is not her first language and struggles to understands too but she do#all this because of my brother who loved to watch different movies while growing up but now move to another countryy#so she remembers him while watching that#now we all should cry together#light academia#dark academia#excerpts#fragments#poetry#words#literature#noor unnahar#spilled poem#short peoms#grief poem#grief#on grief#spilled thoughts#peots on tumblr#spilled ink
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Hi everyone! Here's your Daily Reminder to Click for Palestine!
And if you can spare a dollar, donate to ANERA!
#arab.org#UNWRA#daily reminder#pro palestine#Palestine#gaza strip#Palestine Will Be Free#palestine israel conflict#help palestine#support palestine#ceasefire now#haza strip#from the river to the sea palestine will be free#don't stop talking about palestine#help gaza#anti zionism#israeli occupation#end israel's genocide#freedom for Palestine#free gaza#Free Palestine#jerusalem#no more war#end occupation#End the occupation#colonization#make a difference#how to help#humanitarian aid#humanitarian crisis
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Dick: You use to be so cute and tiny..
Jason: And you use to be cool. We both changed.
Dick: Wha-?! I'm still cool!!
Jason: Okay, 'officer Grayson'. Cops aren't cool.
Dick: THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO
Jason: STILL FRESH IN MY MIND, PIG!
Dick: LET IT GO!
Jason: NO. YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAID FUCK THE POLICE! THOSE WERE WORDS I LIVED BY!
Dick: OH MY GOD. YOURE THE ONLY ONE THAT STILL REMEMBERS THAT!
Tim, walking into the living room: I remember it.
Duke, from another room: I heard about it! You've lost 1000 aura man!
Cassandra, poking her head in: I've also heard about it.
Dick: EVERYONE SHUT UP.
Jason: Just like a cop to order people around like that, shameless.
Dick, groans: Fuuuuck-!
Dick: All of you are going to make me age like milk!
Damian, popping up behind him: Is it wrong to say it's too late for that?
Dick, practically shaking: Damian..I swear to God.
#j.p speaks#another convo#batfamily#incorrect batfamily quotes#dick grayson#jason todd#damian wayne#duke thomas#ugh theres so..many- fuck#its their privilege and right to piss Dick off#dick around others: *cool and collected*#dick around his family: *close to shipping them all to a different country (lovingly)*#imagine being an only child now all you have is siblings id crash out 😮💨
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#this made me scream#some of you are experiencing a different game than me like in what world 😭#now wyll on the other hand….
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the jojamart mockumentary that constantly plays in my mind
#stardew valley#stardew valley fanart#sdv sam#sdv shane#stardew valley sam#stardew valley shane#jojamart mockumentary#my art#so the first time i really watched the office was earlier this month#when i was on a nine hour flight and the third season was available in the in-seat entertainment#and like#i get it now#and if you see a continuity error on shane’s hat#uhhhhhhhh they’re two different hats 🤫#and also#i didn’t realize i made sam’s hair that dark#ngl i just eye dropped from my halloween drawing of him#and totally forgot i darkened it there for the vibe
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Dick who climbed on anything as a child. Even in public, especially in public. The moment Bruce looks away, he is climbing something to get as high as possible. The first times, it gave Bruce an heart attack. Now, it's just a headache.
People pass by and ask if they should call the firefighters, and Bruce tiredly tell them "He is fine, he can get down on his own.", like people with cats.
Imagine, you're walking out of some building, only to see a 10 years old standing on top of a lamppost, having a discussion with his dad guardian at the bottom.
"Dick, get down."
"Make me."
"Get down or you're grounded."
#bruce wayne#dick grayson#batman#robin#dc comics#my ramblings#sometimes Bruce doesn't even know how Dick got where he is#he looked away for a second and now Dick is in the ceiling#of course Dick doesn’t get down because he knows the threat is empty Bruce is using his “tired dad” voice not his “disappointed dad” voice#really different for a Batkid you can still get away with a lot with the “tired dad”
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the fact that shakespeare was a playwright is sometimes so funny to me. just the concept of the "greatest writer of the English language" being a random 450-year-old entertainer, a 16th cent pop cultural sensation (thanks in large part to puns & dirty jokes & verbiage & a long-running appeal to commoners). and his work was made to be watched not read, but in the classroom teachers just hand us his scripts and say "that's literature"
just...imagine it's 2450 A.D. and English Lit students are regularly going into 100k debt writing postdoc theses on The Simpsons screenplays. the original animation hasn't even been preserved, it's literally just scripts and the occasional SDH subtitles.txt. they've been republished more times than the Bible
#due to the Great Data Decay academics write viciously argumentative articles on which episodes aired in what order#at conferences professors have known to engage in physically violent altercations whilst debating the air date number of household viewers#90% of the couch gags have been lost and there is a billion dollar trade in counterfeit “lost copies”#serious note: i'll be honest i always assumed it was english imperialism that made shakespeare so inescapable in the 19th/20th cent#like his writing should have become obscure at the same level of his contemporaries#but british imperialists needed an ENGLISH LANGUAGE (and BRITISH) writer to venerate#and shakespeare wrote so many damn things that there was a humongous body of work just sitting there waiting to be culturally exploited...#i know it didn't happen like this but i imagine a English Parliament House Committee Member For The Education Of The Masses or something#cartoonishly stumbling over a dusty cobwebbed crate labelled the Complete Works of Shakespeare#and going 'Eureka! this shall make excellent propoganda for fabricating a national identity in a time of great social unrest.#it will be a cornerstone of our elitist educational institutions for centuries to come! long live our decaying empire!'#'what good fortune that this used to be accessible and entertaining to mainstream illiterate audience members...#..but now we can strip that away and make it a difficult & alienating foundation of a Classical Education! just like the latin language :)'#anyway maybe there's no such thing as the 'greatest writer of x language' in ANY language?#maybe there are just different styles and yes levels of expertise and skill but also a high degree of subjectivity#and variance in the way that we as individuals and members of different cultures/time periods experience any work of media#and that's okay! and should be acknowledged!!! and allow us to give ourselves permission to broaden our horizons#and explore the stories of marginalized/underappreciated creators#instead of worshiping the List of Top 10 Best (aka Most Famous) Whatevers Of All Time/A Certain Time Period#anyways things are famous for a reason and that reason has little to do with innate “value”#and much more to do with how it plays into the interests of powerful institutions motivated to influence our shared cultural narratives#so i'm not saying 'stop teaching shakespeare'. but like...maybe classrooms should stop using it as busy work that (by accident or designs)#happens to alienate a large number of students who could otherwise be engaging critically with works that feel more relevant to their world#(by merit of not being 4 centuries old or lacking necessary historical context or requiring untaught translation skills)#and yeah...MAYBE our educational institutions could spend less time/money on shakespeare critical analysis and more on...#...any of thousands of underfunded areas of literary research i literally (pun!) don't know where to begin#oh and p.s. the modern publishing world is in shambles and it would be neat if schoolwork could include modern works?#beautiful complicated socially relevant works of literature are published every year. it's not just the 'classics' that have value#and actually modern publications are probably an easier way for students to learn the basics. since lesson plans don't have to include the#important historical/cultural context many teens need for 20+ year old media (which is older than their entire lived experience fyi)
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#yr old drawing. i wanted to do the bachelorettes to go with this but never got to it and now my style differs too much#stardew valley#sdv fanart#sdv sam#sdv harvey#sdv alex#sdv elliott#sdv sebastian#sdv shane#i'm so sorry women:(
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the obsolescence of brb and gtg and afk is like…. highly depressing as a concept. in 2007 you could literally walk away from the internet. and i know we can all just put our phones down whenever we want to but i have not felt truly away from keyboard in like a decade
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Dan Piraro, Bizarro Comics 2006
#people get so weird about me using a cane sometimes#it’s like oh my disability is visible to you so now you treat me different#actually disabled#disability#disability aids
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William Afton winning that “idgaf” award in FNAF
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#fnaf movie#vanessa shelly#fnaf vanessa#vanessa afton#william afton#steve raglan#happy spooky month everyone!!#almost fnaf movie anniversary coming up so wanted to draw some stuff for it#MORE VANESSA THOUGHTS LETS GOO!!#now featuring some William thoughts#I can imagine that shooting her own dad was hard for Vanessa#even though he’s a monster it’s obvious that like#she still cares about him in some way from the brainwashing he’s don’t to her#kinda proves she’s different than her father#meanwhile William did not have that much of a problem#like I know he looked sad for a second after stabbing Vanessa#but he did decide in a split second that was the best choice#William when you catch these hands
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Suddenly, bell bottoms aren't so bad
Bonus sketch, because I had to vv
"Stop checking out my assistant, Stanley."
#Okay#I was never gonna draw fiddlestan#but then i was struck with inspiration in the form of bell bottom jeans#and was like.... get that twink into some bell bottoms RIGHT now#cole's art#art#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#fiddleford mcgucket#fiddlestan#Steve Pinington? More like STAN Pining a ton#or something idk#what's this au called again?#uh idk#mystery trio#right?#the au where Stan shows up after Ford calls Fiddleford but before they test the portal y'know#where they live happily ever after and nothing ever goes wrong and stan and ford make up and stan and fiddleford make out#yeah#also the height difference lowkey goes crazy#it was unintentional but i actually like it a lot and now it's my headcanon#i love rambling in my tags knowing no one's reading ts 🙏#almost forgot to tag ford lol#stanford pines
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