#but it’s like nooo bc of tagging and different lanes entirely I’m just missing stuff | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

whoblewboobear · 4 months ago

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It’s strange, I’m used to hyperfixating hard on things like HARD (beats my 2yr long beetlejuice musical obsession back with a stick) but Starbreaker- not even fantasy high itself took me over to the point of feeling like a teen about. Like I haven’t had this much fun in fandom in years. I haven’t like- interacted with people this much in fandom in years (which is still not enough but if I beat myself up about social interaction again I’ll jump off a cliff)

But there’s never been a concern of like “this obsession won’t fade for a while but it’ll lose popularity” and that’s fine and surprisingly it hasn’t. But it is different. It’s like adapting to it constantly as the thing itself changes even when there are aspects that you’d like to stay the same. Like that ‘I don’t go to this school of thought, but I’ll still take the class bc it’s interesting’ sorta thing.

And then there’s that feeling of WANTING to contribute but the thing has become such a beast that it’s like oooh I’m so out of my depths here.

Also like constantly having to look myself in the eye and be like ‘bitch you don’t have to talk or contribute to EVERYTHING’ and the sooner I accept that and accept that it is what it is, ill miss things, I won’t get enjoyment out of every aspect and every aspect isn’t for me and that that isn’t a bad thing, I’ll stop having moments of feeling weird and out of place. I have my lil corner and that’s okay

#ngl I think the biggest ‘culture shock’ ig about being in fandom is that tagging systems have changed so much or something bc I’m used to #walking in a tag and that’s where you find everything #but now it’s different #things are tagged wayyy differently and it means missing things or setting aside time to go down a list to check every blog #I dunno #I always feel a little weird about main tagging sb stuff now bc I’ll check the tag and it’s like oh? things are slowing down #but it’s like nooo bc of tagging and different lanes entirely I’m just missing stuff #idk what this is I’m just talking but it’s strange #I think I’m bad at fandom and that defeats the purpose of it bc it’s recreational #it’s supposed to be fun.#it’s /supposed/ to be fun #I saw a post the other day of someone that’s in this purely for Jace and having similar feelings of being out of the loop and it got me #thinking bc on some part I’ve contributed to it and I’ve probably clogged tags #but the lizard part of my brain that gets the dopamine boost from getting a note is like if I don’t main tag it won’t be seen #but truly either way I am mostly talking to myself lmao #so yah know? idk it should be fun #idk what this is and idk if I’ll fully ever commit to a different/quieter tagging system #bc tumblr is the place I got to scream and be annoying without being told it’s too much and some how I’ve convinced myself that on my own #blog and fandom spaces I enjoy that I’m just annoying #and I don’t wanna think that #I think I’m tired. like hyperfixation hasn’t died but the part of me that’s hungry for being completely consumed by it is tired #my one fear is that I’ll be so annoying that my fic will finish and no one will care #which isn’t true bc I’ll care until the bitter end lmao #idk I’ve talked so much that I’m like oh I’ve done the thing again I should shut up #also this is too like- self focused way too self focused #which just makes it worse bc then I’m like that’s what got me in this mess #but goddamn there’s just so much shit I’m missing out on and interactions I’d like to have but about things that I’m out of my depths on #so it made fandom a little lonely and a little secular #feeling like a kid on the outs #I want that feeling to die especially about the things I love

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