#i'm so scared to post this

[solomams]

Flu Game But It's Nightbringer MC

Hi guys. This has been rotating in my head for months and I finally got around to writing it. I listened to Flu Game by Fall Out Boy a little too hard and here I am. 

The entire song reminds me of my MC Paula’s journey as she’s flung into the past during Nightbringer, and the strain it puts on her, and in turn her relationship with Mammon and Solomon.

*Minor spoilers here and there if you haven’t played Nightbringer.

I guess to you now, I'm just a face in the crowd

When Paula looks at Mammon, she doesn’t get the same look of love she’s used to. Now that she’s in the past, Mammon looks at her with an empty gaze. She’s their demon attendant and nothing more. To him, she’s a stranger and his family comes first.

Oh, God, kindly please, would you kill me now?

She’s bitter and angry that she was put in this situation. She’s being sarcastic when she says this. The first night in the past when it finally sinks in, she’s kneeling on the floor as the demon disguise slips away, and she curls into a ball. She’s begging for this to end and to wake up from what feels like a bad dream.  

Late at night in my room, lie awake, think of you

And all your little dooms

When she gets in bed, she has trouble getting to sleep and stares at the ceiling. She replays every part of the day in her head. Every time she almost reached for Mammon, or wanted to reference a joke that hasn’t technically happened yet. Her bed feels empty without her two boyfriends.

Yet she doesn’t seek out comfort from Solomon. Instead she avoids him in the beginning and sleeps in her own room. She’s terrified but doesn’t know how to ask for support. All she wants is for things to go back to normal. And Solomon is trying hard to let her work through things on her own without pressuring her. 

Last night I dreamt I still knew you

You

When she finally manages to sleep, she dreams about the present. She dreams about her Mammon. And this is Mammon, it’s still him, and she will love him in every universe. But it’s not the same. 

She dreams about the date they had planned that Friday. She dreams about their upcoming anniversary. She dreams about the movie night she had planned with the two of them. All she can do is dream, and wipe away the dried tears when she wakes up.

I carved out a place in this world for two

But it's empty without you

She is afraid of being vulnerable and afraid of commitment. It took her so long to let Mammon in, and then Solomon as well. She carved out a place in her heart for the two of them, but now it’s half empty without her second lover. 

The fears she got over and worked through, all to lose one of them. She doesn’t feel complete. She’s scared. What if they never make it back to the present? She was always terrified of losing one of them, but never like this.

I got all this love I've got to keep to myself

All this effort to make it look effortless

All this love I've got to keep to myself

All this effort to make it look effortless

Second nature and instincts that she has to tamp down and bury under a heavy heart. Every time she goes to reach for Mammon and has to snatch her hand back. The stiffness she was met with instead of the blush she was so accustomed to when she forgot herself. It almost broke her inside.

But she is their attendant and nothing more. She must play this part, and she must play it well. She has to hold it together. She has to get back to the present.

Confront all the pain like a gift under the tree

The pain and inner struggle are there waiting for her, and she knows this. She can’t keep avoiding them, or Solomon. She can’t keep throwing herself into her duties. She’s going to break. Eventually it will become too much.

Oh, please, I can't be who you need me to be

I grind in the sunshine, grind in the rain

So real that I feel fake

And it does. She makes it two steps into the house, barely managing to close the door behind her before she collapses to the ground. Through tears and with shaky hands she texts Solomon. 

And he comes. He always will. He holds her as she cries, sobbing against his chest that she can’t take this, It hurts too much seeing the one she loved- loves- look at her like she means nothing. This persona is not who she is. She can’t do this.

She wants to wake up from this bad dream, pretend it’s fake and put it all behind her.

Solomon holds her for what feels like hours. They don’t move. He doesn’t complain. She doesn’t hold back her tears, and clings to him like a lifeline, because he is the only familiar thing in this world. 

Last night I dreamt I still knew you

You

I carved out a placе in this world for two

But it's empty without you

And when her sobs turn into sniffles, when she is no longer babbling apologies and has fallen quiet, he picks her up. 

He lays with her and wipes her tears. He whispers that it will be okay. Tells her that they’ll find a way back to their Mammon- together.

They hold each other, tighter than they ever have before. And they dream of Mammon. 

I got all this love I've got to keep to myself

All this effort to make it look effortless

Got all this love I've got to keep to myself

All this effort to make it look effortless

An attendant wouldn’t know Mammon’s favorite drink or his favorite snack, when he’s never told them that information. An attendant wouldn’t reach for his hand as they approached a cemetary. She shouldn’t know of a fear that has yet to manifest itself. An attendant wouldn’t have kissed him. 

One day, every candle's gotta run out of wax

One day, no one will remember me when they look back

I can't stop, can't stop 'til we catch all your ears, though

Somewhere between Mike Tyson and Van Gogh, oh, oh

Being sent to the past only brings back past fears she thought she worked through. Her candle burns bright, and burns faster than she’d like. Faster than either of her partners. 

Realizations of how much life they have lived, and hers has only begun. One day, her candle will run out of wax, and she will be nothing more than a memory. 

She questions how long they would remember her for. Her heart stutters in her chest at the thought. She ignores the way her hands begin to tremble, clasping them behind her back. She shakes the thought away. 

You

You

I carved out a place in this world for two

But it's empty without you

The days don’t get easier, but Paula and Solomon have each other. They make sure to be there for each other, and try to live life as normally as possible.

Neither of them mention the third place setting at their dinner table, always prepared but never touched. 

Neither of them mention how there’s always a space left against the wall, as they cling to each other in a bed that feels foreign. 

And when Paula finds Solomon sitting on the couch, up late and reading a novel. Worried words falling from his lips. She mentions nothing. Only calls his name. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to bed. Mammon is usually back by now when he’s working. And if he’s working late or caught up, he makes sure to let us know. I have to admit, I’m worried-“

”Solomon…”

Neither of them mention how Paula’s voice cracks. Neither of them mention how Solomon’s face falls with the realization.

”…Right. I forgot… Let’s- Let’s go to bed then…”

I got all this love I've got to keep to myself

All this effort to make it look effortless

Got all this love I've got to keep to myself, myself, oh

All this effort to make it look effortless (All this effort to make it look effortless)

Because why would an attendant go through this much trouble for demons she hasn’t known that long? An attendant would not stare with longing for the people she works for, that’s reserved for family. An attendant would not have to stop themselves mid step from scooping up a creature with curled horns, one they should not be familiar with in this time, a name dying on their tongue. 

All this effort to make it look effortless (All this effort to make it look effortless), oh, oh, oh

All this effort to make it look effortless (All this effort to make it look effortless), yeah, hoo

In this world, she is not Paula the Sorcerer, the human who made a pact with the seven demon lords, and a member of the RAD Student Council. In this world, she is Paula, a demon and attendant to the newly titled demon lords. 

That’s all she is. And that’s all she will be. 

[theflikchic]

Okay, I gotta get this off my chest: Just because Rick Riordan, unlike JK Rowling, has taken responsibility for the problematic elements of Percy Jackson does not erase all of the problems within those books. It does not erase the stereotypes of Piper's character, or the weird rep of ADHD, or the "going schizophrenic" descriptions of the Greek and Roman gods. They are still there.

"But no one's saying they aren't!" No, but y'all are acting like it. I'm sorry, but the whole "read Percy Jackson, not Harry Potter" just...doesn't work for me. Because it's not just people saying "support Riordan and not Rowling": it's people acting like Percy Jackson is this perfectly written and flawlessly inclusive simply because Rick Riordan is a really cool guy (and he is, he DOES deserve the support!).

But it isn't. It's...I'm sorry...not better written than Harry Potter on a bare technical level (I'm rereading two books in the series right now too). And Riordan being an actually decent and cool guy who really did TRY (unlike Rowling, who seemed to try and give up once it actually became hard) does not erase the issues in Percy Jackson.

They're still there, they're still gonna be there when kids read them and think it's how ADHD works (like I did). Just like how Cho Chang had child-me thinking that writing "almond shaped eyes" was how to write Chinese characters (I recently learned it is not).

And this is why I'm so freaking hyped for the show. Because I feel it's gonna improve on so much. It'll give our guy Rick the chance to actually make a change, to improve on his own world and own characters. To give awesome representation to neurodivergent kids and kids of colour, which is what he clearly always wanted.

But Percy Jackson is not Harry Potter's perfect counterpart. It just isn't.

Should you buy new PJ books instead of HP? Yes! I'm buying a ton of out-of-print editions of HP from second hand local bookstores and genuinely- it's WAY better than in store shopping just in general!

Percy Jackson has a great story, a great world, a great concept. It's one of the reasons I'm writing stories the way I am today! But it is still quite flawed and those flaws are not going to just vanish because Riordan is cool and Rowling is not.

And a disclaimer: I am a hypocrite and even I've thought this way about certain things. And I'll DEFINITELY be making a post on the best thing to move onto from Harry Potter if you feel you have to (spoiler alert: It's Discworld. Trust me on this.)

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

genuinely is my brain erasing itself or is google/tumblr censoring that post about notre dame and old growth forests.

[demigods-posts]

just imagine all of camp half-blood knowing that percy and annabeth clearly have a thing for each other. not because of their banter that toes the line of flirting. not because of their countless hugs. not because of their refusal to go anywhere without each other. but because they watched annabeth kiss percy on the cheek. and both of them turn away to smile to themselves.

[240vo]

[lulu-draws-stuff]

How does that sound?

[bunnyboy-juice]

my lovely mutuals and followers and circle of dykes. i am BEGGING YOU to stop reblogging that "NSAIDS while on spiro damages your liver" post. there have been MANY additions in the comments expanding on the risk factors of mixing these medications (and i HIGHLY recommend looking in the comments. @/boringkate assesses the risk beautifully in there, and many others are in the reblogs expanding on the interactions and risks as well). all those aside - the major risk of mixing NSAIDs and any diuretic (not limited to, but including ibuprofen snd spiro) is RENAL (KIDNEY) PROBLEMS!!! NOT LIVER!!! and the most frequent version ive seen to that post does Not do a good enough job clarifying that "renal function" is related to your kidneys, not your liver. there are some effects that will happen on the liver eventually of course, but the premise of the interactions is wrong in and of itself and this kind of misinformation is kind of dangerous to just take at face value/without curiousity

i encourage you to read the actual drugs.com summary on the interactions between NSAIDs and spiro that keeps being referenced in that post (more on this under the cut). it is a moderate interaction manageable with increased hydration (your kidneys love water!) and, if you're taking spiro under the supervision of a doctor, monitoring of your renal function via blood tests. and i understand feeling betrayed learning there are potential interactions between all NSAIDs and diuretics because these risks are often not clearly communicated by doctors themselves, but in the pharmacy and usually in that packet that comes with your meds that most people are more likely to toss than read - but please do not make sudden rapid changes to your healthcare plans or work yourself into a panic on ever taking a pain med ever again based on that post and PLEASE fact check things you read on the internet before spreading it as Health Facts, even if its just looking up what different words mean to understand more of what you're reading. i also really do encourage y'all to read on how kidneys work and this is a really nice overview

the risk of kidney problems mostly occurs if you are (1) taking regular doses of both medications (2) NOT drinking enough fluids (3) not communicating with your doctor about all the medications you are taking. if you are taking spiro as a treatment provided by a doctor and are worried about kidney problems after that post, by all means talk to them and ask about getting a blood test to check your kidneys function/health!! im not discouraging this!! your doctor likely isnt bringing this up in the first place though because (in my cursory glance over the sources) many of these studies cited even in the drugs.com article "specific" to ibuprofen and spiro are about a variety of diuretics interactions with a variety of NSAIDs. the ones that arent paywalled are also either acute case studies about elderly patients on diuretics (so who Already have kidney problems/elimination issues) who developed heart issues after diuretics treatement or observational studies specifically on men in good health ages 20-38 to specifically look at drug interactions in the body. in the more acute cases, with proper management/alternative medications almost every single case was reversible and resolvable. many of these medications in these papers also are ones I have not heard of or taken, so i did look up every single drug i didnt recognize by name references to confirm my initial assumption that the reason this is labeled a Moderate instead of low risk interaction is because All NSAIDS and diuretics have potential interactions (confirmed also that the major effect is that NSAIDS have the potential to reduce the efficacy of diuretics, which leads to fluid and salt retention, which can lead to other issues - namely heart issues in the most extreme cases) with variable effects based on specific combination of the drugs used, the patients specific health, and the dosage (not just the size of dose, but the timing as well).

as an aside: if you habitually are taking frequent (read: daily/scheduled, not a one off for a headache or other body pains) doses of OTC NSAIDs, Regardless of taking diuretics, you NEED to tell your doctor because even though its available over the counter (at least in the US) it is still a major medication in your life/relevant to your physiochemistry!! OTC medications are often overlooked by doctors and people alike because they are seen as ubiquitous and to many doctors OTC pain meds, like NSAIDS, are assumed be used in acute pain situations where the dosage is minimal/infrequent enough it will likely have little to no long term effect with other medications.

[btsjk-biased]

Soft Yoongi for @yooboobies ♡

[ video source cr. 0613data ]

[ricky-mortis]

They're the best of each other!

[catonthemountain]

~Special Agent Dana Scully~

Hi X files fandom ?

I've been lurking around for a while since I started watching (I just got to season 8) and it's so cool to see such an old fandom be so active and so nice to newcomers

I don't feel like I fully did Scully justice, but I'll keep trying

[buttercupshands]

be ready I'm still sketching (so it's like post 1 of couple today) (also those are like... almost animatic parts but I was like ehhh I wanna draw something related without thinking)

[wwillywonka]

guys be quiet he's sleeping

[gray-warden]

I just realized I never posted photos of this really pretty harvestman i came across a while back. Note the green pedipalps and the dark and light spots on its back.

[lightnersdream]

i've been thinking about exactly why people portraying one of the other crew members successfully killing Jimmy as a "for what you did to Anya" kind of thing rubs me the wrong way a bit and it's because like..... this is just another form of taking agency away from Anya, in a way. it's kind of framing her as some meek, shivery woman-thing who's entirely at the mercy of the men around her, either to hurt her or save her.

(i understand these are mostly for wish fulfillment on the audience's behalf because everyone would like to see Jimmy pay for his crimes. whether or not this is the intention of the person writing it isn't really relevant, characterization happens with or without intent. i feel like it misses the point by portraying it as an 'ideal ending'.)

because... Anya is a capable person. she takes things into her own hands when she can. it was partially(?) her idea to get into the cargo,

(before he interrupts her.. remember when she interrupted Curly in the dead pixel segment?)

it was her idea to get the code scanner from the cockpit,

it was her idea to get the medication from behind the foam.

(the chance to do these things herself is not given to her.)

she'd been keeping Curly alive for months in a critical state somehow, her psych evaluations at the start are only so useless because Jimmy refuses to take it/her seriously and Curly is obviously biased when he puts it into his own hands. he's known him a long time, like he said. "I'll just put good for that one."

there's not a lot of material to work with because of how the game is framed, but it's there. we are working with two very biased perspectives and neither one lends Anya what she deserves

there's significant changes in how she speaks post- and pre- crash, and depending on who she happens to be talking to. i recommend re-reading her dialogue, because the difference is drastic

she acts the way she does around Jimmy because he has tangibly done horrible things to her, is actively hostile, and physically could not escape him by any means. she can't take away Curly's agency herself, in my eyes. you have to remember that Especially in the post-crash segments of the game, it's entirely from Jimmy's POV, and he obviously does not (and has never) thought very highly of her or treated her with a shred of respect

i've seen a general idea that she can't bear to hurt other people for any reason, but that doesn't really track to me. this is the real point of the post by the way

it seems based on the parts where she says she struggles to give Curly medication. "It just hurts him so much, I can't stand the noise." "It makes me nauseous."

it's not really the same thing as, say, hurting someone in self defense

this sounds like she did want the gun itself. this never felt worded like someone who would refuse to, at very least, threaten Jimmy with a gun, with violence. if she had been given the agency to make that decision on her own. she wasn't though

she still tries to reclaim some of it even as she's denied it

by the end she's still trying to keep that gun out of his hands

i think some people overly soften her, for similar reasons the game itself is trying to comment on. she's not a tender victim who couldn't cause pain to another out of the softness of her soul, she's a person who's had every last bit of agency ripped from her repeatedly until she couldn't take it anymore. that's the point. that's why framing her that way, "needing" someone to save her, is odd to me

she didn't need Curly to save her, she needed him to take responsibility

she didn't want to escalate things, but she's not an idiot. self defense was absolutely on her mind

but who knows im just saying shit *smiles serenely*

[fridayyy-13th]

i swear sometimes i think people forget that Jon's s1 skeptic act was just that—an act. it was an act!!! he believes the statements!! he's believed them since episode one! do we so soon forget that he denied the statements were real because he knew the Eye something wanted him to be scared, and he knew that was bad, so he decided to act like the statements just didn't scare him? remember, he was working with extremely limited information ("when i record the tape statements, i feel watched, like something knows i'm afraid, and i don't want it to know that"), and came up with a genuinely solid solution with what he had! not his fault that the thing watching him was a literal unknowable eldritch entity that feeds on fear, and he was just some underqualified archivist.

[jitterbugbear]

gale's folly