#i want to scream at everyone who made me feel unlovable

[mickkspics]

For so long I followed other peoples’ rules about what was deemed pretty. I strayed so far from my natural self that it feels weird to rediscover myself the way I was meant to be. And I find it really difficult to let go of those silent expectations that I can still feel linger in my mind as if they’re my own. But I know they’re not mine because before anyone told me what I should look like I liked myself. I didn’t care if my curly hair was “big” or my teeth weren’t white, that my belly wasn’t flat and that the soft little hairs on my lip were visible. I liked the shade of my skin before it became a subject for other people to talk about. Loved it even. And now years later I’m trying really hard to let go of the changes I’ve made to make other people more comfortable. And I’m trying to do so with the love and kindness that I always should’ve had. But I also feel anger and resentment against the people that made me feel like I had to change the way I was. Eventhough most of them probably had good intentions. And I don’t know what to do with that anger. 

[raisedbythetv89]

I just started watching White Collar for the first time and a realization about most male written and directed media smacked me DIRECTLY in the face which is that SO MUCH media written by a for men is genuinely just male nerd self insert, non-canon compliant, AU fan fiction??????

Like them writing and creating stories is just “ok so these guys are soooo smooth and well dressed and women just flock to them at every turn and they can get away with anything and everyone believes and supports them when they do mess up and everyone thinks they’re sooooo brilliant”

This media isn’t just portraying women “for the male gaze” it’s EVERYTHING. Everything in these stories is supporting and uplifting mens’ delusions about who they are, how they’re perceived, and how they should expect to be treated. Which is incredibly ironic because anytime media portrays women or the world in the female gaze in a more “in my ideal world things would be like this” instead of portraying us as nothing but weak, broken, unloved, traumatized, victims OR one dimensional sex symbols with no needs or emotions they’re screaming, crying, throwing up about how stupid and unrealistic the story is….

This explains SO MUCH about how male characters are handled in shows like Veronica Mars and Buffy. Even though they’re shows staring women all the “good guys” get the delusional self insert, y/n, AU fan fic treatment (Buffy still wants Angel in season 3 and Riley in season 6 even after everything they did and Xander is CONSTANTLY forgiven for all the atrocious shit he says and does and is wanted by all women besides Buffy. Veronica forgiving Duncan and getting back together with him and even CONSIDERING Piz could truly only be born from men being delusional AS FUCK. Writing how they want men to be treated by women rather than being based in reality and the woman having even an ounce of self respect.)

Which is why the “bad boys”, Logan and Spike are such better characters. They’re so much more realistic, they get held accountable by the women in their lives, have better growth and are just way more appealing and attractive because they’re not the walking embodiment of what MEN want men to be treated and act like.

Oh god this feels like such cursed knowledge to have like it’s important to see this media for what it really is but now watching it feels that much yuckier like finding the porn of someone you DO NOT LIKE but like their emotional porn “this is what life would be like in my fantasies” and they’re the fantasies of the grossest men alive 😭😭😭😭😭

Also it shows their emotional maturity like all of these things are what 13 year old boys fantasize about not actual mature, grown men….

Also just realized this is why the Star Wars sequels were so hated. It wasn’t just Rey being powerful and loved by her found family and Kylo. It was that the movies showed the reality of men like Kylo. They destroyed the male fantasy Darth Vader created. They aren’t super cool, powerful badasses. They’re extremely sad, broken, temper tantrum throwing lost little boys who just want love and acceptance but have lost the ability to accept it because of the dark side (aka the patriarchy) which is the reality and that made me SOOOOO ANGRY lololololololol and this is why Joss Whedon THOUGHT making Spike into a sad pathetic mama’s boy of a poet would make the audience not like him because that DOES work on misogynistic men who enjoy the male gaze but does NOT work and only humanizes and makes Spike even more complex and lovable to the female gaze 💀💀💀💀 oh good lord

[alittle-toosilly]

Unfortunately for everyone the newest episode has me crying, shaking, screaming, and eating drywall like hot pockets so I'm gonna write some poorly articulated essay about a character who the episode wasnt even focusing on! (Guess who it is lol)

SPOILERS UNDER CUT

So, about Jax. I noticed a few things while watching the episode and after some thinking I have some stupid things I need to get out of my brain.

Something bad has obviously happened to Jax at some point. And by thinking about what Kinger said about how "The worse thing you can do is make somebody feel unloved" we can probably imagine that it was something like that along those lines. And with further pondering, I realized something.

Jax REVELS in being the asshole. The jerk. The no-good shit eating grin having chaos-loving asshole. It's all he ever really shows to everyone else. Which is even more interesting when you realize he never wants to show anybody at the circus what happens to him when he holds his breath. He's trying to be 2d. A flat, bland, shallow person. And I think I know why.

Think back to what Caine said congratulating him, Ragatha, and Gangle for completing the pacifist route. "Congratulations on what good people you are!" The camera is on Jax, and he looks upset. This could be chalked up to his usual "If it's not everyone suffering it's boring" attitude but I'm delusional and the camera focused on him for a reason which means it could mean something more.

Something, or someone could have made Jax feel unloved and unwanted, convincing him he was a horrible person who was good for nothing other than being an asshole. And if that's a possibility he obviously held onto that view of himself like a lifeline. Think about it. He is the happiest when others insult him, are suffering because of him, or just hate him in general. He loves negative attention. So, what does that mean with the combination of possibly hating being vulnerable?

Jax doesn't know who he is besides how others perceive him.

He can't be vulnerable or show his real self because it's not really there anymore. All we know of him is that he's a jerk and that seems to be all he acknowledges about himself. He won't show anyone anything because if anybody knows he's more than a jerk or (god forbid) TOLERATED HIM then he's lost his only sense of control and familiarity. And a thing about people who hide themselves or have gone through terrible things DESPISE new scenarios. Because new means uncertainty, which means a chance to be hurt again, and that's the last thing Jax wants.

TLDR:Jax is a jerk because that's all he knows and if anybody saw past his tomfoolery and prick behavior he will realize that his only sense of familiarity and stability is flawed and he's terrified of change because change means bad things can happen. Also something something about how he's convinced he can never be loved again.

Anyway how was your day?

[idkjustlemmedrownlikerab]

Midnights (Marauder's Version)

Welcome back to the new series by @marsmarauders and I. Obviously we got carried away again but here you have every single song from Midnights related to the Marauders characters :D

So we present to you... Midnights (Marauder's Version)

Lavender Haze

“The 1950s shit they want from me, I just wanna stay in that Lavender haze"

Like this song is very obviously Jily falling hopelessly in love with each other I don’t think it needs to be further elaborated

Maroon

“When the silence came, we were shaking, blind and hazy, How the hell did we lose sight of us again?"

Wolfstar, but specifically like… November 1981. The vinyl reference, "the lips I used to call home," "laughing with my feet in your lap," and "the rust that grew between telephones" signifying how they weren’t communicating well and hiding things from each other "I see you everyday now" cause Remus sees the sky and what just so happens to be in the sky? Stars. Sirius also sees the sky from his prison cell and what does he see? Oh that’s right the moon!

Anti-Hero

“When my depression works the graveyard shift, All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room”

We had two theories for this one first being Regulus bcoz of the self deprecating vibe and “I'll stare directly at the sun (James) but never in the mirror”

But we could also see it as Mary post-war? It's hard to describe why, but everyone sees her as the Anti-Hero cause she saved herself even tho she had full right to do that

Snow on the Beach

For this one I was utterly confused and absolutely useless and Marls came up with this interpretation herself

"Can this be a real thing? Can it? Are we falling like snow at the beach?"

This song is Sirius's perspective specifically during the wolfstar forgiveness phase after the prank. "You wanting me tonight feels impossible".

You're On Your Own, Kid

"You're on your own, kid, You always have been"

Both of us agree that this song screams all the Black children because none of them chose this town (family) and dreamt of getting out, I mean the whole song recounts a young person who longs for love but eventually understands that they are on their own and always have been afterall whatever you do you can never escape the black family curse can you?

Midnight Rain

“He was sunshine, I was midnight rain”

I mean do I even need to say anything? Its jegulus bcoz they r the literal definition of opposites attract even tho they loved each other they were born on two different sides of a war which inevitably became the reason of their end.

Question…?

"Can I ask you a question? Did you ever have someone kiss you in a crowded room"

Dorlene. That’s it, like we have no explanation, just vibes.

Vigilante Shit

"I don't start it but I can tell you how it ends, Don't get sad, get even"

Both of us agree it could be both Regulus or Dorcas because canonically Regulus knew about the horcruxes, and died while deceiving the dark lord and on the way to kill him (also bonus bcoz the final blow which made him take this decision was bcoz Voldemort exploited Kreature so Reg decided to get even) Dorcas on the other hand canonically had to be killed by Voldemort himself because she was posing as too big a threat to his empire

Bejeweled

"Baby love, I think I've been a little too kind, Didn't notice you walking all over my peace of mind"

Lily about Severus and how even tho she  mourns and misses her friendship with him, it will never be worth more than her self respect and how she won’t let him walk all over her, a diamond’s gotta shine afterall ;)

Labyrinth

"Uh oh, I'm falling in love, Oh no, I'm falling in love again, Oh, I'm falling in love"

To me this song is sooo obviously jegulus coz of the chorus alone, its James realizing that he’s falling in love again, this time with Regulus after pining after Lily for years. Just how when he thought he was “unlovable” and it was all doomed this sickly, victorian looking, snarky slytherin boy swoops in and steals his heart right out of his chest

Marls has her own hc for Emmary tho where basically Mary was in love with Lily but it was unrequited and then she had a situationship with Emmaline but ended up catching feelings which is so perfect for this song

Karma

"And I keep my side of the street clean, You wouldn't know what I mean"

Again I had no opinion on this song coz it felt like too happy and too upbeat a song for any of these miserable sods (I still love them ) but Marls swooped in with a brilliant interpretation which was that its from Dorcas’ pov to the slytherin trio basically throwing shade at them for choosing to stay and join the death eaters instead of leaving and fighting for the “right” side like her

Sweet Nothing

"They said the end is comin', everyone's up to somethin' I find myself runnin' home to your sweet nothings"

Now for this song we had differing views with me being a jegulus girlie while Marls being a jily girlie (we still love both the ships tho, we just have a preference)

To me the song is jegulus coz I see it as them expecting the inevitable end of their relationship and doom due to the impending war and their family’s differing views and them just trying to tune everything out to spend their limited time together and in love.

On the other hand Marls interpreted is as to when the Potters were in hiding with only each other and Harry for company. How they could see that the war was on full ride and they were at the centre of it while still trying to create some sweet and happy memories with their son

Mastermind

"I laid the groundwork, and then, Just like clockwork, The dominos cascaded in a line, What if I told you I'm a mastermind?"

(Try and tell me the whole bridge doesn’t scream Regulus Arcturus Black.) To me the song is about Regulus because the man literally was a mastermind, while being a death eater he planned to betray Voldemort by destroying a horcrux and he was actually successful in retrieving it tho maybe I’m a little biased due to his characterization in the fic only the brave (Marls also thinks the song could be about James bcoz of the bridge "To make them love me and make it seem effortless")

The Great War       

"I vowed I would always be yours, 'Cause we survived the Great War"

Marls didn’t really have an opinion on this one but for me it was very clearly wolfstar. First reason obviously being the fact that they are pretty much the only couple who actually survived the war (the first one that is, we all remember how the second one went). "Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed" being how they both thought the other was the spy and the prank

Bigger Than The Whole Sky

"Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness, 'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea"

Now this could go two ways one being the black brothers,

"Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, You were bigger than the whole sky"

Basically how Sirius feels when Regulus gets the dark mark. Because his brother is too far gone

Bonus since Regulus dies literally all out at sea

The other being marylily bcoz of

"What could've been, would've been, What should've been you"

"And I've got a lot to pine about, I've got a lot to live without"

Obviously from Mary’s pov since Lily is dead

Paris

Now Marls had no idea about and I suggested rosekiller just coz of vibes and coz

"I wanna brainwash you, Into loving me forever"

This seems like something Barty would definitely say

High Infidelity

"You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, The slowest way is never loving them enough"

To me this song is bartylus coded (don’t worry they then get together with Evan and James and have a happy relationship) especially coz of this one specific rosekiller microfic I’d seen if I find it I’ll reblog it with this post

Glitch

"In search of glorious happenings of happenstance on someone else's playground, But it's been two thousand one hundred and 90 days of our love blackout"

We agreed this song gives off wolfstar vibes tho we are open to suggestions

Also 2190 days is six years which is around the same amount of time wolfstar dated if we hc that they got together around their 5th year :D

Would've, Could've, Should've

"If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?, Years of tearing down our banners, you and I, Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts, Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first"

Now this track could be taken in many contexts I like the interpretation of it being from the Black children’s perspective to their parents

And another one being from Remus to Greyback

"And if I was a child, did it matter, If you got to wash your hands?"

Marls also suggested it being from Narcissa’s pov to Lucius or Bellatrix, regretting not going with Andromeda which also fits wonderfully

(Since it in itself is talking about the person suffering due to a relationship when they were young and it even now haunts them I feel like this song could be interpreted many many ways bcoz all of the marauders era characters dealt with a lot of trauma at a young age)

Well obviously since most of them didn’t even reach their twenties

Dear Reader

"Dear Reader, if it feels like a trap, You're already in one"

 Peter Pettigrew. Need I see anything more?

Hits Different

"In the good in the world, you once believed in me, And I felt you and I held you for a while"

Lily without Snape in her life especially when she starts falling for James

You're Losing Me

"How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?, I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick, My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick"

For this one there wasn’t even a discussion needed it is wolfstar during the first war and we won’t hear otherwise. How even tho Sirius and Remus loved each other, the pressure of the war itself was too much on them especially coz they were so young and also coz of how Peter was manipulating them against the other ("Was it because I'm a werewolf?" "Was it because I'm a Black?" I’m sorry). They could see their relationship was straining, they kept waiting for the other to take a risk, a step to fix it and how even through their suspicions, they loved each other regardless

AAAAND THAT'S A WRAP!! THANK YOU FOR READING THIS!!

Make sure to come back to see Evermore, coming soon! (To a theater near you.)

[tears-grow-gardens]

TW- ed rant

This is my first ever tumblr post. Normally I'm just a wall flower, sitting quietly in the tumblr corner reading other peoples posts and thoughts hoping to feel less alone in my own mind. I'm not even sure what I want to say but for the past 4 years I have struggled with my eating, some days are really bad and other days it's just like an itch, like I know all the rules, fear and guilt that has stained me but I feel stronger not to let it win. 2-3 years ago I was at my worst, I was in my 3rd year of University, I had lost all hope and drive in my life and I let everything crumble through my fingers, I was failing classes, isolating from everyone, loosing sight of my dreams and what mattered to me. I don't know who was holding the wheel to my life but I felt I had lost control with all of it. I didn't know how to change or help myself, I was so tired of always feeling like a failure to myself and everyone around me. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety for so long and serious case of undiagnosed ADHD and all these feeling felt so permanent, like they would never go away, so I turned to something I felt I could control, which was food. There was nothing I hated more in the world than myself, my body, my face, the way that I believed people saw me. I hated every inch of who I was. I thought that if i could control what went in i would get the results I've always wanted and maybe even get to like the way I look. And the results came, it felt so good to be able to get something right, like for the first time in my life I didn't feel like a complete failure. The feeling of hunger gave me power, how I didn't have to say words to people that I was hurting inside because they could see it from the outside. Wake up, look in the mirror, walk, workout, coffee, walk, coffee, porridge, starve, walk, mirror, bed. This was my life but fortunately or unfortunately I was sniffed out like a rat from one of my house mates who confronted me, it felt like I was standing there naked and exposed with all my secrets written on my skin. After that I felt I had to change, I felt watched and analysed with every move I made. My weight goals put into a box, I tried to make amends with my body and mind but from the years to follow the voices never left my head. Sometimes the voices are merely a whisper and other days the voices are so loud it feels like everyone else can hear them too. Now here I am on tumblr 4 years later writing to say I have relapsed, not that I think I ever recovered but more I was idle with temptation to destroy myself and now I'm back, born again to hack my body to pieces. Ive found myself almost everyday purging in the bathroom, even if its been a normal, healthy meal. I just want to crawl out of my skin and shrink into nothing. I don't want to die and I don't want to live like this but i feel years of rage within me of unnoticed pain that I want to scream to the world and let them know. I have dreams and I want them to exist one day as true but I don't know how I'll ever rid myself of these dark paralysing thoughts. I'm so tired of feeling unloved and lonely, in my 22 years of life I have never known what it is or what it feels like when someone choses to love you. Im so convinced by my own hatred for myself that I believe everyone else sees me the way I do. The toxic thing is, is that I want this for myself, I want the hunger in sanctuary of starving, I want to feel small and fragile and i want people to worry, i want them to say "she's lost weight", while they ponder on how hurt I must be to have lost myself this far.

Anyway enough for one day. idk if anyone reads these long word vomit tumblr posts but thank you if you've read this far and welcome to my fkd up mind.

[dr-spectre]

man i saw your last two posts and i wanted to tell you, you're not cringe, and you're not unlovable

i've had like, one full conversation with you going back and forth on both shared and unshared interests and it had a profound effect on me at the time

I need to unlearn shame, i need to be more open with what i fixate on and what i'm doing (and also the realization i'm definitely on some kind of spectrum), from one chat with someone *loud and proud* like you, how fucking crazy is that?

I hardly know you personally, but it's not hard to gauge how awesome you are, in face of your perceived faults, several of which i share myself, you yap so much but you're so genuine and passionate i and pretty much everyone who sticks here loves to read it, it never gets old, it never gets annoying

you put your whole pussy into innocuous little things about the subject matter, and it's a wonderful thing

you can find friends, you can find love, and you deserve both of those things

this is a little long but it's sentiments i've had for awhile now but no good opportunity to share......

I.... I..... WHA.

WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS?!?!?! YOU CAN'T DROP THIS IN MY INBOX LIKE THAT!!!

LISTEN... ITS JUST.... I aint awesome!!! Im some 20 year old autistic dude who's too obsessed with a squid woman! How's that awesome!!?!?!? I haven't made an impact on anything... not on the community... not on inkipedia... not on anyone... I have 300 followers... that's nothing...

...or have i?!?! There's no way I could have had an impact on someone... hell even SEVERAL PEOPLE! I just overanalyse stuff that seems so cut and dry but... people are actually positive about my stuff? People say to me that I changed the way they see this important character to me.... BUT THERE'S NO WAY RIGHT?!?!? I still feel like a drop in the ocean. Just a spec of dust!!! I haven't made real change yet... OR HAVE I?! I DON'T KNOW!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

Maybe.... maybe if I have changed one person's perspective, then maybe it was worth it in the first place...

You know. I wanna say that the reason I came to tumblr was because my irl friends aren't into Splatoon and my family gives me a meh shoulder shrug to my interest. It was so difficult for me to explain Splatoon to my parents when Splatoon 3 came out and I picked up the game at launch! So I went here because I felt like it was the best place to express myself. And yeah I'm glad I stuck with it honestly.

I get why my irl friends aren't into Splatoon, they need to buy a multi hundred dollar console that's about to get replaced soon just to play 2 games. And trying to explain to them Nintendo Wii U and Switch emulation is just... I dont even wanna attempt that HAHAHAHA!!!! So I often felt lonely and it felt like I was screaming into a void when talking about Splatoon to them in a discord server. I guess that's where my sense of loneliness comes from.....

I genuinely have NO ONE in real life to talk to about my interests and have someone ACTUALLY listen. I guess that's why I feel cringe and not cool at all. My interests are so nerdy and I'm on the spectrum, my social skills are like D tier. I genuinely cannot talk about myself, i really cant. Its why i have never been in a romantic relationship before.... As a 20 year old dude, that shit fucking stings I'm not even gonna lie. I think about that shit every day. LITERALLY EVERY DAY I'M NOT LYING!!!!

But anyways, I'm getting way too personal on the internet. I don't wanna be some sad sap.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm not sure if I truly feel like I deserve love but. Thank you anyways. I guess it is a good quality to have that I can ramble and yap and become really focused on something, even if it's not adult things like... getting a job, paying taxes or whatever HAHAHAHA!

[pastelsapphy]

A thought crossed my mind: between MC and Saeyoung, who proposes first? (I know SE 2.07 talks about Saeyoung proposing, but bear with me). I think if asked, they might say that, technically, it was Vanderwood.

Saeyoung probably isn't quite as confident as he seems. So MC bites the bullet the next time they get to rest. Curled up against each other in the dark of night, with no one and nothing but each other.

"So... they called me Saeran's sister-in-law, hm?"

And they feel Saeyoung tense up beside them. If any one trait describes Saeyoung, it's fear. He has always been afraid--of his mother, his father, the agency boss, of all the people he's pissed off coming for his head. He was afraid of anything bad happening to Saeran (seeing your worst fears come to life right before your eyes does wonders for anxiety, doesn't it?), of anything he's done coming back to hurt those he cares about.

He had been afraid of his friends seeing beyond the 707 mask, of them ever seeing the real him, because surely they would hate him. The real him was not someone to be loved. The real him was not someone to keep around. 707 could have friends (for a while), even Luciel could have friends (temporary as they were). But he had tried to bury Saeyoung, the scared little boy who was unloved by everyone except his other half.

But MC came along and held out a hand. With their help, Saeyoung dared to pull himself from his grave. They pushed through the masks that were 707 and Luciel to unearth Saeyoung, still lost and scared and desperate to protect everyone.

The thing is, those fears don't go away overnight--if they ever do. He knows MC says they love him, that they're in this for the long haul, but he's still half convinced he's going to wake up and find himself still at his desk, an imprint of his keyboard stamped into his face and nothing beside him but empty bags of chips.

So he falls back on his default defense mechanism: laugh it off. But the chuckle he forces out is strained, even to his ears. "Ah, yeah. Ha ha... sorry if that, uh, made you uncomfortable or anything."

MC just hums. Saeyoung feels the vibrations where their face is tucked against his neck. "What about you?"

Their breath is hot on his neck and god, he already can't think when he's around them. Yes, his brain screams. I love it. I want you to be his sister-in-law. I want you to be my spouse, my partner. I want to be your husband. I want it, I want it, I want it.

But, as he has always been, Saeyoung is afraid. What if this is what scares them off (and not, you know, his drugged and brainwashed brother or the agency that tried to kill them all)? What if they don't want to be tied to him that way? He still thinks MC deserves better than him, even if he's been selfish enough to accept them.

He must take too long to respond, because MC shifts back just enough to look up at him. Their eyes seem to sparkle in the darkness. "Saeyoung."

He looks away and they gently press a hand to his cheek. They're warm, so warm, melting him inside and out. Like a hot drink after coming in from the cold. "You're thinking too loud," they say.

"Haha, am I?" Is his voice shaking? He hopes not.

"Don't overthink this. How did you feel?"

He's afraid. He's so, so afraid. He knows how to push past fear; he knows how to turn it into a weapon for himself, but this isn't a battle. There's nothing to fight.

"It... umm..." he starts. Getting the words out of his mouth feels like wading through mud. "I... well... it uh..."

And then MC's lips are on his. Gentle, almost chaste. A means to redirect his attention more than anything.

"Do you want to know how it made me feel?" They whisper against him.

With all higher brain function having ceased, the only thing Saeyoung can do is nod.

He feels MC's lips curl into a smile. "A little dissapointed, because I'm not his in-law yet."

Saeyoung's head spins as he tries to process their words. "Oh... uh... you mean... you want...?"

MC chuckles and kisses him again. "I would love to be Saeran's in-law. Which means..."

Saeyoung swallows and finally meets MC's eyes. There's love in their gaze, but also a twinkle of mischief. Tease.

"You want to be my... wife?" He almost can't believe what he's saying might be true.

MC chuckles again. "Yes, Saeyoung. I want to be Saeran's sister-in-law; I want to be your wife; and I want you to be my husband."

And his head is spinning and MC kisses him again and he's falling. It's more than he's ever dreamed of and he's so scared to lose it but more than anything--he's excited. Saeyoung hasn't been excited in a long time. He's never looked forward to the future. It was never worth looking forward to.

When their lips part and he can think again, he says, "Does this count as a proposal? Because I can do better than that."

MC chuckles again. "You can give me a ring later, when this is all over."

He pauses, feeling unsure again. "Are you sure that's what you want?" He asks, barely above a whisper.

He yelps when MC gently nips his collarbone. "You're stuck with me, Saeyoung Choi. You're not getting rid of me so easily."

And he laughs, real this time. "Okay, okay! I won't let you go so easily, either. I love you so much."

"I love you too, Saeyoung."

("Technically, I proposed," Saeyoung will say.

"You certainly got down on one knee with a ring," MC will say. "But me and Vandy still beat you to the punch."

And Saeyoung will pout, but there's no sadness behind it. And MC will kiss him, because he's adorable when he pouts. And they will concede that, yes, Saeyoung is the one who offically proposed.

"But we still did it first," they will say, and Saeyoung will concede.)

[dollypopup]

unpopular polin opinions (again)

-Colin honest to God didn't do anything even REMOTELY as bad as this fandom insists he did? framing him as the big bad in a friends to lovers story is deeply unsatisfying and pits him and Pen against each other when the whole POINT is that they're a team.

-Polin is meant to be ride or die. it's meant to be people who see one another for who they are beyond the front. it is NOT meant to be two people who hold grudges against one another with a scorecard of who hurt the other more huffing about how the other is frustrating. their whole dynamic is 'i like you' 'i like you, too'

-BOTH OF THEM have hurt the other without apology. NEITHER of them are actually in love with the other (yet). Both of them are closed off and secretive and neither of them should actually have to beg and cry and scream for forgiveness. they're supposed to be friends

-jealous Colin as we're pushing for it is a shit tier trope. Colin swooping in w/ feelings for Pen only after other people have expressed interest in her would always make her wonder if he wanted her for her or if he wanted her because someone else did first and that's not the dynamic at all. Colin falls for her organically, albeit slowly. He falls for her when she opens up, when she shows him who she is, and only after he shows her that he's a safe place to do so. Likewise, SHE falls for HIM for real when she sees who HE is, too. When she sees that he's imperfect and that his charming artifice is a mask he wears. They're both scared that who they truly are on the inside is unlovable or unworthy of serious consideration, and when they crack open and the other sees, they fall for who they actually are. It's a love made stronger because it's born out of trust and understanding, not out of an ultimatum of 'I could lose her!'

-Penelope ghosting Colin with no explanation after S2 would be her being a really bad friend and deeply hurtful

-Penelope would hate being the unofficial diamond everyone is seemingly rooting for and it makes 0 sense for her to suddenly have a bunch of suitors. it's just lazy storytelling.

-most of the Polin dynamics this fandom has actively rooted for in S3 is just Kanthony or Saphne 2.0. That's very much NOT the point of Polin's romance. and I do not understand why people want the exact same season playing out the THIRD TIME IN A ROW

-Pen's actual character would despise how some of y'all write about Colin. like. . .she's supposed to love him? he's supposed to love her? If someone called him an idiot or undeserving or uninteresting or that he should beg and grovel she would fight

-Polin's characterizations as individual characters as well as a couple have been so completely twisted and deformed in this fandom for the sake of drama and painfully cishet toxic tropes that it makes me legitimately sad. Polin is a great ship. So much of it is beautiful and healing. Two people who care for one another deeply, if with a good deal of confusion, discovering who they are individually and then realizing they're happiest with each other is lovely. Colin being an atypical male love interest in the sense that his primary draw is kindness and compassion and primary struggles being lost and jealous of his LI for her success is INTERESTING. There are a million and one brooding rakes out there breaking hearts and beating their chests howling 'she's mine!' in the middle of a room full of other men gawking. Ship Pen with one of them if you want that dynamic, but that's not Colin and I don't WANT it to be Colin. Colin is great without that

-Penelope is not an innocent lil bab who did everything she did out of good intentions. she is more complex and relatable as someone who fucks up. It is COMPELLING that she did deeply hurtful things not out of saintly altruism but out of jealousy or scorn or desperation mixed with a genuine desire to do well by those she cares for. It is a better story to acknowledge she isn't even remotely perfect and that in wanting to help, she just tangled things up even worse than before. Penelope has plenty of faults alongside her goodness: she's closed off, distrusting, traumatized, jealous. All whilst being funny, sharp, cunning, loving. She wants to be loved and to love those around her and doesn't know how. She hurts the people she cares about and she hurts herself in the process. THAT'S REAL. The idea that Penelope is a perfect bab who should be fawned over and all her ills can be excused away is flat and infantalizing. I understand: there have been a lot of criticisms of Penelope from people who genuinely dislike her character. But the pendulum has swung to the other side to the point where people who DO like her and DO ship Polin point out unsavory parts of her character, it's met with the same rabid defense as if we were haters. Guess what? I like Penelope MORE because she's made those fuck ups. I like discussing how she's hurt others because who of us haven't? Penelope is overlooked and unpopular and awkward and unsure and I LIKE HER FOR IT. I'm exhausted of the glittering, perfect Penelope who everyone else has to apologize to because she's the 'victim'. That makes her so much more unlikable

-speaking of unlikable, most of y'all who say you ship Polin straight up do not like Colin as a character. And it's obvious. Turning him into a character he isn't, wanting him on hands and knees begging for a second chance, considering him only as an extension of Penelope when he has so much richness as a character in his own right. Assuming the worst in his actions and striking out all the good about him in favor of a narrative that deforms Polin into a ship where he is always wrong and she is always right. And it turns a lot of people off to the ship. People who ship Polin already get turned off by how much this fandom hates Colin, let alone peeps just getting into it or outside of it. There are people who despise Polin that discuss Colin more favorably than we do in our own ship and it makes no sense because he is a genuinely fantastic character. He refuses to abide by toxic masculinity, he's gentle and sweet and caring, he's silly and unsure and self-sacrificing, he's putting on an act and he's self-critical and he's got such a big heart. He's the kindest person in Pen's life. He supports her unyieldingly. He's never done anything to purposefully hurt her and he cherishes her as a friend. Why do we so rarely talk about him favorably?

-Polin is NOT Colin vs. Penelope. That dynamic can create some interesting conflict, sure, but it needs to move beyond that because at the core? At the core, it's Polin vs. The Problem. and it's so much more fulfilling that way

[theintrovertbean]

Halo! Umm Can you write Nadia and an fem!MC with low self-esteem? Like she's...completely harsh on herself because of her chubby body.

Hi! Before I begin the headcanons, I want to tell you something. It's gonna be long.

Weight is something that I also struggle with, and I always have. There was about 1 year in my life when I wasn't chubby, and that was because of an illness, so I understand how you might feel. Sometimes I can be quite harsh on myself too.

When I got together with my girlfriend over 3 years ago, I would have regular breakdowns about my body. I cried, I wanted to scream, and I hated myself. No matter what my girlfriend told me, it wasn't helping because I convinced myself that my weight made me unlovable.

That is, of course, not true. Our weight does not define us. Slowly, I started having fewer breakdowns thanks to the love my girlfriend has been giving me, but I still find it hard to believe that someone as pretty as her could ever want me. But she does. It makes zero difference to her. She knows how I look, she has seen me, and she is completely aware of my weight, but she still wants and loves me.

Chubby or not, we are still humans like everyone else. We are flawed and yet still so beautiful in our own way. There are people who are mean, but a good person wouldn't think of you as any less worthy and beautiful.

Your body has been here every step of the way. No matter what happens, your body is there. It might not be perfect in your eyes, but it is a part of you, so please, be kinder to it. Be kinder to yourself. You don't deserve the hate.

If you want to feel better about your body, you have to put in the work but don't do it for someone else. Do it for yourself because YOU want to feel better. Anyone who doesn't love you the way you are doesn't deserve your time. And by putting in the work, I don't mean that you have to go on a diet and lose weight. Sure, you can, but you can also learn to love yourself the way you are. You are so huggable. I bet you give amazing hugs. Start with something small, like realizing how huggable you are (that one helps me a lot), and you will gradually learn to love yourself.

Tomorrow, I'm going to the gym for the first time with my friend. I'm scared as hell, and I've been dreading going to the gym my entire life, but I'm also very excited. Take little steps today so that you can feel better tomorrow. Change doesn't happen overnight, so it's completely fine to take things slow. A few small steps go a long way.

It's okay to not fit into the beauty standards. You are still perfect, and it does not make you any less beautiful. Hugs and kisses for you, and never forget that you are worthy of love. You deserve to be loved by others and by yourself too. I love you, and if you ever want to talk, my DMs are open ❤

I hope you'll enjoy the headcanons!

Nadia x F!Chubby MC with low self-esteem

Sweet, darling MC. She doesn't realize how perfect she is, but Nadia would drop anything to be by her side whenever she needs her. The Countess is having an important meeting with foreign nobles, but Portia comes in and tells her that MC is being harsh on herself again? The nobles can get fucked. Her MC is more important. Nadia is her rock, her pillar, and she can lean on her whenever she is needed.

Nadia would do anything to make her feel better. Whatever she needs, Nadia is giving it to her. She loves spoiling her.

If MC allows it, Nadia would love to kiss every part of her that she's insecure about. Doesn't matter if it's her whole body or just her tummy. Nadia is more than happy to prove to MC how lovable she is.

Nadia listens to MC whenever she is having a breakdown. She would hold her close if she allowed it, just listening to her and then telling her that she is loved the way she is. It breaks her heart, but Nadia would tell her things to make her feel better. Like, that she is cute and her weight doesn't change anything.

Nadia looks at MC like she is the whole package, the object of all her desires. Because she is. Nadia makes sure MC knows that she is desired.

If MC is uncomfortable with receiving a lot of compliments (because otherwise, Nadia would shower her with them every second of the day), then Nadia would hold back a little. She would never do anything to make MC feel uncomfortable. They could come to an agreement. For example, Nadia would be allowed to call MC beautiful once a day. Soon, MC might ask her to do it twice a day, and Nadia is going to feel overjoyed and shower MC with kisses. Gradually, the number of compliments might increase alongside MC's self-esteem.

Oh, the clothes. Nadia would commission outfits from her tailor that make MC feel comfortable and beautiful. Seeing the joy on MC's face when she feels pretty in her new clothes makes Nadia's heart overfill with love and happiness.

Have I mentioned that MC is getting kisses?

Overall, Nadia would do anything in her power to help MC feel better about herself and realize her worth. She loves her, and nothing in the world could ever change that.

[addictedtostorytelling]

“An Opposite of Echoes” Chapter 26

That was so beautifully written - such a great way to end this installment while also leaving me wanting to read what happens next, but not in a cliffhanger way.

The way Sara almost doesn’t want to tell Grissom it feels good when he touches her belly out of fear he’ll stop and once she tells him, he doesn’t stop. I do think she was still tip toeing the line of asking him if he loves the baby too - if the “love you b” meant “love you both” & that she almost said “like you’ve got us” instead of settling on “like you’ve got me.” It’s still so new to her while also juggling a million other emotions that it may be hard for her to admit - even to Grissom - that she does love the baby already. So ending this installment with her whispering it to herself and the baby and the universe that she loves the baby was just such a sweet way to end.

Also - I realize I referenced “baby” instead of “babies” but no worries - I’m still strongly in “babies” camp…can’t wait for the next installment to find out!

Until then - I’ll be over here reading your other stories as time allows & likely rereading this a bunch.

Thank you for taking the time to share this with us. Truly one of the best stories about Sara & Grissom I’ve ever read. I can picture it so clearly & it’s so true to who they are. Wonderfully done. Thank you!

cont.

“I do have you,” he whispers, low and fervent, as if in oath, inflecting the final word in such a way that despite the fact English knows no grammatical differentiation, she can be sure he has chosen the braver pronoun. “An Opposite of Echoes” Chapter 26 He chose the braver pronoun. You = both Sara & the baby. Sara knows Grissom loves the baby too. Tell me I’m not reading too much into that? She waits until his breathing slows, evens, until she knows he has slipped away, before she again whispers, sweet, her secret, “I love you.” She means the brave way. Chapter 26 “She means the brave way.” Yup - I stand by it - Sara literally just told us she loves the baby & she knows Grissom does too. Too perfect. Too sweet. I just can’t with these two 🥺

cont. (part 2)

You and that epilogue… Okay I screamed when he said “You can’t stop looking at them, either, huh?” because I thought them = babies but then they kept referring to “baby” as in one & that them = sonogram. But I think that’s just you trying to throw us off & maybe Sara & Grissom haven’t wrapped their heads around there being two babies on the sonogram after weeks of just saying “baby” so it make take a second to switch to “babies” in their vocabulary. But Sara telling Grissom that she loves their baby & him telling her that he loves their baby too. Of course as Grissom points out, he’s known all along that Sara loves their baby - from before the decision was made to keep their baby - since she asked if she should take her medicine - she asked because she loves their baby. And it was likely so good for Sara to hear that Grissom feels the same way. Poor girl has spent most of her list feeling unloved by everyone around her & now she has Grissom & their friends & soon their baby (babies…) whom she loves probably more than everyone else - this little piece of her & Grissom - her favorite person on the planet created another person with her who’s also already one of her favorite people on the planet.

cont. (part 3)

Last one I swear…I saw the comment about no twins which is fine…although now I’m very curious which you decide for them to have - boy or girl. Twins would have been easy - one of each : ) Watch Sara & Grissom decide to wait until the baby is born to find out… Which I’m not against - although they don’t want to name their kid until it’s born, it could lead to a very interesting scene about what kinds of names they both like & you write Sara & Grissom so well (seriously - some of the most spot on characterization I’ve ever read for them) that I’m excited again…not that I’m ever not excited for your writing : )

hi, @chelsshearman!

how genuinely spoiled am i as an author to open up my inbox to all of this wonderful feedback from you?

answer: very!

i'm so glad to know you enjoyed the end of the story.

you definitely weren't reading too much into those lines that you referenced! that sara already loves the baby and knows that grissom does, too, is absolutely the implication there—as is confirmed in the epilogue.

when i first set out to write this this installment of the accidentsverse, i realized what i was working on was something already very familiar to me: a story about falling in love. i knew there would be those traditional beats: the moment of realization ("oh"), the ache of mutual pining, the slow burn and tugged heartstrings and intense yearning, the cathartic confession scene, etc.—the only difference would be that instead of focusing on a couple falling in love with each other and getting together for the first time, this fic would be about that couple (at this point, already established and married) falling in love with their unborn baby and reckoning with what that means.

i'm so happy to know that those emotional tones came through for you as you read. 💙

as for the other stuff: i was a little worried i went overboard on the teasing about the possibility for twins, so it's a relief to know you're still excited about the continuing story, even with the confirmation that this pregnancy is a singleton.

and never fear: sara has already mentioned she and grissom want to know as much about their kid as possible before it's born, so they're going to find out the gender as soon as they can—as scientists, they're all about having all the information available!—meaning, in theory, you won't have to wait too long to have that mystery solved, at least*.

* i mean, once i write the next installments of this series, that is.

as for the name, there will indeed be some interesting conversations about that issue to come.

thank you so much for reading and for all of your support throughout the posting of this story. your thoughtful comments about and enthusiastic engagement with this fic have been such a pleasure!

i look forward to sharing the next installment of the accidentsverse with you hopefully not too long from now, friend!

[amourdeleon07]

"I hope my absence haunts you - Revenge: The Sixth Stage of Grief" - A Flash Fiction

whoops I forgot to post yesterday oopsies... Here you go, hope you enjoy!!!

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Heartbroken and hated once again for what seems to be the umpteenth time. When will I ever have my happy ending? 

First Stage - Denial:

As they left me, I can’t help but wonder where did I ever go wrong. What am I lacking in? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not loving enough? Where in the world could it have gone wrong?

I cry myself to sleep night after night, blaming myself for something I could’ve prevented if I was only good enough for them. I watch them as they smile the next day and ignore my presence as if we never had something. 

Please tell me this isn’t real, I love them wholeheartedly! I can’t do this, I can’t accept this. There has to be a way to fix this, right? No, no, please no. This can’t be happening, not when I finally opened up to them fully to love them. 

Gosh, please don’t do this to me. Why must our fate be like this? This is unacceptable. We were perfect for each other….were perfect for each other…

Oh, how love is such a wonderful feeling but how can it be so cruel?

Second Stage - Anger:

Whatever. They lost me anyway. It’s their loss, not mine. If I could’ve lived just fine before I met them, then I can do it again. It’s not like they’re the oxygen I need to breathe. Just forget about them, easy as that.

Why did they even decide to end things with me anyway? I have the qualities they’re looking for so why lose me and not fight for me? After everything I did for them, is this how they repay me? How dare they do such a thing! I gave them nothing but my love and affection and they bring me this? Outrageous I say!

How infuriating, not long after our separation, they’re already looking for another to love and care for them. Ha, so they just wanted to replace me, how ungrateful of them. I treated them as if they were the most precious thing that ever came to my life yet all they’ve ever done is make me feel hopeless and guilty of not being enough for them. Turns out I wasn’t enough for them, I was way out of their league, they couldn’t handle all of me. What a weakling.

Why did I even decide to stoop down to their level to love them only to be stabbed harshly in the back? I loved them for who they were, even if they were good or bad, I still loved them regardless. Did I hit my head too hard? Goodness, why did I do such a thing?

It’s okay, it’s all in the past now. I’m okay. Life is okay. I have no choice but to continue with life...right? 

Third Stage - Bargaining:

What if I slowly make my way back into their life and eventually go back to how we were? They won’t expect that, right? … Am I crazy? Am I willing to go that far for them? Maybe…

Can’t the world give me a sign and tell me this is only temporary? Relationships are like rollercoasters, it has their ups and downs, what if this will only lead to us being happier? Please tell me this is just a nightmare, I hope I wake up in their arms only to realize that it was all just a bad dream.

I promise to the universe that I’ll stop asking for more, so please just let us be together again. I don’t want us to be apart, we were made for each other…I’m getting desperate…

Fourth Stage - Depression:

Will I ever experience love like that ever again? I don’t think that will ever happen to me again…I feel so empty…I feel so unloved. Am I unlovable? Is that why they left me? What’s the point of living if I’m unhappy?

I want to rip myself open and scream at myself for never being enough for anyone. If they left me, does that mean everyone else will leave me too? Gosh, why don’t I end my life right here, right now? 

They’re never coming back, why would they even come back after seeing me being so immature, so unlovable? I don’t blame them for hating me, I’m the worst after all. 

Fifth Stage - Acceptance:

People come and go, it’s not like our separation is the end of the world, it’s a simple break-up. I can cry - I already did, but that shouldn’t stop me from living. I’m living for myself and not for them. Like I said before, ‘It’s not like they’re the oxygen I need to breathe’, I can live without them once and I can do it again, I just need time to heal.

We weren’t made for each other, I can understand that. But I can’t help but think about how they left me so abruptly and found someone new so quickly. How could they do such a thing? I’m here still sobbing and thinking about them while they’re over there wanting to kiss someone else. 

Sixth Stage - Revenge:

Oh, wait ‘til I show them what they’re truly missing out on. It’s their loss and not mine. They chose to leave me behind as if I wasn’t the best thing they could’ve ever gotten in their life. No offense to their new love interest, but I am far better than them, I have so many traits, talents, and skills they don’t have to the point it seems so sad that they lowered their standards to want to be with someone like them. I’ll show them what they lost, I’ll show them what they’ll never have ever again. I will never let them see me suffer while they’re out and being happy. It’s not fair that they found someone new just like that, oh, I’ll show them. I hope my absence haunts you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is probably one of my favorite works and I'm really proud of it but I'm sad that I made it a flash fiction so I can't really go into detail about how it would play out but maybe next time!!

[cepetriwrites]

The Unexpected Second Life of Bree Tanner - Chapter 12

Read on AO3

Bree POV

The Cullens immediately vetoed the idea of me roadtripping to Nevada to visit my mother’s grave, after I had calmed down from my… not crying, I understood. I was still upset, but truth be told I wasn’t ready to trust myself around humans yet. Truthfully, if I had known Bella could stop me, I don’t think my gratitude would have kept me from killing her. And I didn’t feel a life debt to the rest of the humans. The Cullens didn’t eat people because it was wrong to kill other humans, it made them feel guilty. I don’t know how they managed to feel that way. Sometimes I would feel bad, hearing their screams, but I was so hungry all the time, nothing else mattered but trying to soothe the burning. I don’t even know if I actually liked the taste of blood, or if I liked how it soothed the pain.

A couple days had passed, when the kids were in school I spent most of my time trying to remember my mom. It’s like I had been drunk my whole life, everything felt hazy, Rosalie explained to me after I had a panic attack – at least I think it was, hard to tell when you don’t need to breathe – that if I focused on my memories, they would become clear again, and never fade. So that’s what I had been doing nearly every moment. Shifting through my memories, trying to remember everything, hoping it would help me piece together my mom.

Unfortunately there were a lot of bad memories too, sometimes I had to take breaks and I’d paint with Esme, or watch tv with Emmett, play a family board game. I wondered if it was worth all the pain it took, but my whole life I thought my mom had abandoned me, that my abusive father was the one who loved me, because at least he stayed. Eventually I figured I was just unlovable. But I had been wrong. My mom had cared about me. I had dug up a near-forgotten memories of pancakes in the morning, that we made together. I wanted to remember everything, because if I was wrong about my mom, maybe one day I would look back and realized other people had cared about me too. Despite what my dad used to say.

It did cause migraines, so I had decided to take a break and use the Cullen’s computer. I hadn’t gotten to use one much when I was human, of course the Cullens could afford the best. They kept reassuring me they could afford to fix anything I broke, that everyone had broken a lot of expensive stuff, but the idea of breaking this high tech computer with its Windows 95 system terrified me. I couldn’t bring myself to type on the keyboard so I would use a pencil when no one was looking. It made typing a lot slower.

“You don’t need to do that,” Rosalie said from the hallway, I dropped my pencil and nearly fell out of my chair. How does a vampire sneak up on another vampire?!

“I just… don’t want to break anything.”

Rosalie gave me a smile, “If it makes you feel better, what are you looking up?”

“Um,” I looked at the loading page for cinnamon sticks, I was in to deep to explain that. “just… learning how to use it.”

“Cool, do you want to go for a ride? I’ve upgraded the suspension on my baby and it rides like a dream, no humans.”

“Sure!” Driving in Rosalie’s car sounded fun, an opportunity Human Bree never would’ve gotten. Rose was the mechanic of the family, I had watched her do an oil change once, it felt weird seeing a supermodel covered in oil, but somehow she pulled it off.

Driving with the windows down, and the wind in our hair, I felt like a normal girl, I had bothered to ask how long we’d be out, it’s not like we had a curfew. She kept driving her convertible until we had to stop for gas. “Are we going back now?” I asked as she turned on to the road.

“Nope.” She said, putting her sunglasses back on.

I started to feel nervous, “Where are we going?”

“Nevada.”

“What!” I shouted, “Rosalie I can’t go to Nevada! Dr Carlisle and Esme said no!” I looked at her phone it had buzzed multiple times, when I had asked Rosalie said Emmett was messaging her and she’d answer later, then she had turned it off. “Rose… has Emmett been messaging you?”

“A couple times, but eventually the rest of the family figured out what was going on.”

I nervously gripped my seat belt, “We’re going to get in trouble! They found out! There’s a psychic in the family, why did you try to get away with this?”

“Try? I did, we’re too far away for them to get to us unless they get a flight, and even then, we’ll still reach our destination.”

“How did you even pull this off?”

“Because I’m smart and know things. Like that Alice sees everything, but can’t pay attention to everything, she’s only paying attention to if you cause trouble. Even if she doesn’t want to admit it, she’s also hyperfocused on throwing the best wedding and graduation party, and trying to see if the florist will get a cold, which means she’s slacking on watching you. I know that Edward can’t read your mind, and he’s too busy trying to spend every second with his precious girlfriend, and making sure her grades don’t drop because he’s trying to get her to start at one of the many colleges she’s applied too, and the ones he secretly applied to on her behalf. I knew that when Carlisle went to work, & Esme got roped into doing shopping with Alice in Seattle, that Jasper would be kept busy by Emmett and not even think about asking where we’re going. And I knew that I could drive for hours without Alice being the wiser as long as I didn’t think about where I was going.”

Never cross Rosalie Cullen, “What about us? We can’t go in the Sun and I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone.”

“That’s why I have the gloves and hats, you’re going to stay in the car. Besides you just ate and I can the news about your mom is making you much more empathetic, you’re not going to go hunting for anyone right now.”

“You were fearless as a human, weren’t you?” Rosalie replied by flashing her dazzlingly white teeth at me.

I didn’t know if Rosalie was right, but she sounded so confident, it was impossible to not believe her, so I turned up the radio and decided to enjoy the ride. Super massive black hole came blaring through, the wind was in my hair, I felt normal.

Almost twenty hours later we arrived at my hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada. The Sun was blazing in the sky, so Rosalie pulled over to a motel, she explained she had booked it in advance, and we hid out in a room with the curtains drawn tight. “This feels so risky,” I said as I relaxed on the spring mattress while Rosalie idly flipped through the tv channels.

Rosalie snorted, “You should ask Alice about her little ‘day trip’ to Italy, sometime. We’re the well-behaved ones of the family compared to her and Edward.”

“Really? But I’m the one who’s always thinking about eating people.”

Rosalie gave a sympathetic look, “Jasper has you beat still, we’ve had to move four times because of him, we try not to mention it. He always spirals into a depression after a slip up.”

The Cullens seemed so perfect to me, it was reassuring to hear they disowned their parents and sometimes accidentally ate a person. It made it easier for me to believe I could belong with them. “Hey Rose, if you brought me with spontaneously, how did you book the motel in advance?" I asked after a bit of silence.

“Oh, I had been planning to come down here, bringing you along was a last minute opportunity.” She didn’t have to explain why she would make a random trip out to the too sunny Las Vegas, I knew she was trying to help me learn more about my mom.

We laid there in comfortable silence for a few more hours, until Rosalie went to front office to attend to “some business”. When she returned, she had a white USPS box in her hands. I sat up, “What is that?”

Rosalie handed the box to me, “It’s um,” this was strange, I had never seen Rosalie nervous before. “It’s your mom.” My mouth hung open, “It’s why I came to Nevada. She didn’t have any next of kin left to claim her, so I had Emmett fake some paperwork and ship the remains to our motel.”

“Remains?”

“She was cremated,” Rosalie explained, “I hope that’s okay. This way you can always bring her with you.”

I slowly pulled out the plastic bag in the box. It was filled with gray dust, ashes, that used to be my mom. “HUMAN REMAINS” was stamped in bold letters, along with her name: Erica Tanner. I stared at the package for a long time, trying to understand how one person could end up being a few pounds of ashes. I ran my thumb over her name. “Hi Mommy.” If I could’ve cried a second time, I would’ve. Rosalie wrapped me in a hug until the sun went down.

The whole drive back, I kept my mother hugged tight to my chest. I was never going to let her go again.

[lowcountry-gothic]

Edit: Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I really didn’t expect to get any more than a like or two if lucky. They all really meant a lot to me. I’m feeling better now; more numb than anything else, but I’ll take what I can get. I’m putting the original post under the cut to preserve a record of it, but right now I just want to focus on the gratitude I feel for everyone who commented. It really helped me. For real.

Tonight I really legitimately felt like I wanted to die. I was crying and screaming and moaning and wishing so badly that everything would end. I was on my knees and begging for it to end. I didn’t really want to die, and I’d never actually do anything like that, but the feelings were so unendurable that I couldn’t take it, and felt like anything that could end them would be worth it, even death, which I prayed for, but of course it didn’t come and that made me feel even more helpless and miserable because I knew I was going to have to keep feeling this. I’m so terrified of being alone, and deep down I’ve somehow convinced myself it’s inevitable that I will be. I don’t really have any friends in real life. I’m filled with so much anxiety because I feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’ll be abandoned.

I’ve done a lot of growing in the past years, but this is one of the lowest points in my life I can remember for a long time. I just feel so alone, so anxious. As if I have so few resources. I’m trying to look at the positive and trying to love myself and have faith in myself, but damn it, it is so hard, and right now I’m struggling to feel anything positive. I just feel so lonely, so unloved, so abandoned.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you didn’t want to read this. I’m sure few if anyone cares. But I don’t really know what to do right now other than post this feeble cry for help, for attention, for...anything, I don’t know, just anything.

[blackbutler-readerinsertsandjunk]

May I have "Sea of Lovers" by Christina Perri for Dagger please?

absolutely!! this hit me right in the feelios ;A;

Songfic Meme

DISCLAIMER: This is a songfic to the song "Sea of Lovers" by Christina Perri! I don’t own the song, don’t claim to, and am not profiting off this piece at all.

A certain type of wind has swept me up a chill has found each bone; I am overcome there is an icy breath that escapes my lips and I am lost again a certain type of darkness has stolen me under a quiet mask of uncertainty I wait for light like water from the sky and I am lost again

Sometimes, DAGGER feels like he goes wherever the wind blows.

Like he has no backbone, no will of his own, no dreams other than to survive. There are times he barely even feels like a person anymore, because he’s not quite sure what makes him himself.

Is it the charm that everyone else can see? The kindness he tries to show other people? Is it the fact that he’s missing a part? His hair? His smile? His insecurities? His talent and skill at having a good aim? His love for his family? His feelings for you, or his feelings for everyone who came before you? His worries and anxieties?

Which parts are the things that define him and make up his personality? Which parts are the things that are just there without being a core of his identity?

He’s been trying to figure it out for the longest time. Ever since he got together with you, since he started something more than a passing fling or a one-sided longing, he keeps trying to piece together what made you want him in that way.

Especially now, as he trudges home after a dark night spent on the streets, only for he and his family to come up empty-handed, he can’t stop thinking about it. The wonder of what someone would find appealing in him is something that consumes him, taking his whole self under like he’s being pulled out to sea in the worst way possible.

He has yet to find an answer to the question that’s infected every corner of his mind ever since the first time you kissed him.

Why do you love him?

in the sea of lovers without ships and lovers without sight you’re the only way out of the sea of lovers losing time and lovers losing hope will you let me follow you wherever you go? bring me home

He always comes back to you. He slips in quietly, too tired to do anything but let his cloak fall onto the floor. Everything seems so much more than usual tonight, and he hates it.

The world moves around him, he’s sure, even when the night seems silent and still. All the normal people and their normal lives, going about their business. Walking, holding hands, kissing, raising children, going in and out of shops, going to work, living, dying.

He doesn’t know ― do other people think about things like this? Do other people wonder why they people who love them do so?

Do you wonder why he loves you?

When he sits down on the bed, shoulders heavy and weighted down, and he looks at you, he can’t imagine you questioning why he loves you. Some small part of him wants to ask himself, then, why he feels the need to wonder about your love. He can just picture you if he voiced that question, looking so sad and broken and fretting that it means you haven’t shown him why you love him, how much you love him.

But you have. God, you have.

It’s his mind, his thoughts that run through him and won’t let him go sometimes. It hurts him to know that his mind insists on whipping itself into a frenzy over something his heart knows is undeniable.

If only he focuses on the sound of your voice saying it, telling him you love him, he can follow it all the way out of his thoughts. Even though it isn’t foolproof, it doesn’t work all the time to draw him away from the worst things his mind can offer, it’s something. You’re the only way out when he feels unlovable.

There’s nothing on this Earth that could stop him from coming home to you.

a certain type of silence has filled my voice I scream beneath the water and make no noise all my prayers go quiet; they’re never heard and I am lost again

Practice has made him quite careful at making little noise when he crawls into bed with you. Despite that there’s nothing he can do about the movement, he’s learned how to avoid waking you up with sounds.

Tonight is not so lucky, because he feels as if he’s breathing hard, and his arms encircle your waist more tightly than usual as he tries to settle in. His thoughts are draining him, making it a fight to relax.

Nearly as soon as he starts to settle in, that’s when you stir. A soft coo alerts him that he’s woken you up; there’s really nothing he can do now. “Mmh, Dagger… I missed you…”

“Shh, shh. I missed y’ too, sweet’eart.” Well, even if there isn’t anything he can do to make it so you didn’t rouse at all, he can try something so you don’t have to lie awake with him. He presses his lips gently against your neck. “Mwah. Go back t’ sleep, alright?”

He wishes he could talk to you about what he’s thinking. Wishes he could just start crying and break down and sob about how unworthy of you he feels and ask why you’re with him when you could be with literally anyone else.

What stops him is the thought of seeing that look on your face. The silent question of why he doesn’t feel good enough when he knows how much you love him, the idea that you might feel guilty and assume that you haven’t been doing things to show him your love.

He never wants you to feel even a fraction of the way he does. He loves you so much.

So he’s silent, just rubbing your back and hoping desperately that you can feel how much he does.

Something about the way you give a little chuckle, then a sigh, then murmur, “I love you so much,” makes him wonder what might happen if he did talk to you.

in the sea of lovers without ships and lovers without sight you’re the only way out of the sea of lovers losing time and lovers losing hope will you let me follow you wherever you go? bring me home

It’s something he can’t help but think about, what would happen if he said anything to you about this. He thinks you’d probably tell him how much you love him, and ask if there’s something you haven’t been doing to let him know that.

You’d treat him so softly, he knows. Even though there might be some hurt that you worry you were neglecting him, there wouldn’t be any judgment about him feeling that way. It’s like you understand what the rest of the world has done to him. You understand why he feels some of the things he does.

He takes a shaky breath, and it comes out in a warm puff against your neck. “Oi… hah… darlin’. Could I… could I tell y’ somethin’?”

“Hm…? Of course.” You nuzzle closer to him as your arms find their way round his waist. This is how you’re most comfortable, he thinks. He’s most comfortable like this, too. “You can always tell me anything. What’s going on?”

It’s now or never. Once he says something, he can’t just shove it back inside if it turns out he regrets it. He’ll just have to find a way to word it which… seems more pleasant than it is. To test the waters of what you might think.

He’s not sure if he knows how to do that.

a certain type of wind has swept me up a chill has found each bone; I am overcome there is an icy breath that escapes my lips and I am lost again in the sea of lovers without ships and lovers without sight you’re the only way out of the sea of lovers losing time and lovers losing hope

“I, ah… I jus’… jus’ wanted t’ say, y’know…” Dagger’s fingers are one thing, with that perfect aim he’s toiled hours to achieve. His words have always been clumsy whether he likes it or not. Whether he tries or not.

He doesn’t know if he can bring himself to say any of the darker, more unpleasant things that are lurking in the back of his mind. If those things are painful to him, what would they do to you? It would be like a wolf darting out from behind him and snapping its jaws at you. It might hurt you.

That’s the last thing he ever wants.

Maybe he can get his point across in a way that makes his feelings seem not so bad. If he does that, he prays he can take away at least a little bit of their power.

“Thanks f’r lovin’ me. That’s… that’s it.” He feels the need to elaborate, and cranes his head up to give you a kiss on the forehead. Honestly, he’s not sure he can ever tell you enough that he’s grateful you love him. Regardless that he knows he doesn’t need to be dependent on someone, he needs connection. He needs other people, and he loves that he’s got you in his life.

He says the next part quietly, like he’s in some kind of confession booth and you’re the priest on the other side. “Sometimes I… I dunno why y’ love me. Feels like I ain’t… I ain’t normal ‘r good ‘r… I mean… y’ treat me normal ‘n’ good, though. Y’ look at me ‘n’ don’t see a thing wrong where ev’ryone else sees ev’rythin’ wrong.”

He gives you a squeeze. “Jus’ been thinkin’ ‘bout it a lot lately, that I’m… I’m really glad I got y’. That y’ saw somethin’ in me worth lovin’. Makes me feel like… maybe I’ll… I’ll see it in myself someday. Y’know? Thanks f’r stickin’ with me, sweet’eart.”

It sort of hurts to admit.

It hurts in a good way, like the pain of putting medicine onto a wound.

It hurts like the beginning of something healing.

you’re the only way out of the sea of lovers without ships and lovers without sight you’re the only way out of the sea of lovers losing time and lovers losing hope

You let out a delicate hum, before burrowing deeper, with your head against his chest. It’s as if you can’t get close enough. It’s almost funny, because he’s seen people on the street do that on occasion, couples walking together where one of them can’t seem to be cozied up to their partner enough to satisfy them.

He certainly understands that. When he’s with you, if he could just never let go, he wouldn’t let go until he absolutely had to.

After a moment, he feels your hand playing with his hair. “You don’t have to thank me for that, love. Relationships might be difficult sometimes, but… actually loving you is the easiest thing I think I’ve ever done.”

He’s surprised he doesn’t start bawling then and there.

“If you’re thanking me for loving you, then thank you for loving me.” Your voice sounds like you’re trying to fade back into sleep. Your arms, however, feel like they’re going to hold onto him forever. “I’m not… perfect or anything, you know. But if you can love me, there’s something in me worth it. I already knew there was. I just… need to find what it is. We’ll figure it out together,” you reassure him drowsily.

One last kiss, and you duck back down to his chest again. “Goodnight, Dagger. I love you so, so much. Get some rest.”

Your breathing turns light with sleep within another minute or two.

And for once, Dagger thinks he doesn’t have to worry.

After hearing all that, and being so wrapped up with you, this will be the most peaceful night of sleep he’s ever had.

will you let me follow you wherever you go? bring me home.

[emmacastle]

Day after 19 years 10 months 25 days and where did I land?

My teenage self would be proud of me if she knew that I haven’t given up , I kept fighting. But what about the present me? I often felt uneasy as a teen , like I always tried to be a part of something which didn’t want me . I felt uninvited, ugly , powerless and incompetent , call it the fear of being left out but I tried , so hard to fit in and when I had achieved the tag of one of those “cool kid”, It didn’t made any sense. I didn’t know how to be comfortable with what I was. Back then it used to feel important to be liked and loved by the crowd. My 14 year self needed someone like me then, she needed someone to calm her down of all the fear , fear of being unloved and that she’ll continue to be the disappointment to everyone in her way.

She didn’t deserve to be characterised as “fast”. She wasn’t fast she was trying to pick up the pace cause she only wanted to be considered as everyone‘s favourite. That’s all she wanted. She tried to not care but then what it got her? She was called worse things. She was as pure as the holy water of god’s home. So innocent that she believed every one , didn’t question anyone. Trusted like the world she lived in would never harm her and the people she loved would catch her if she ever fell from those peaks of ignorance. Little did she knew that those miscreants were actually waiting for her to have that grand fall and laugh how she’s ruined herself. She did it. She ruined herself by relying on the people who didn’t deserve to be relied on.

Dear little me, I know you suffered from every possible pain but look where it brought you. You don’t make the same mistakes you made as a kid. You’re more careful and you know the value of quality over quantity. You know the importance of healthy surroundings. So just hold on to one more day and you’ll reach further. There are gonna be so many people for whom you’ll open your heart, break the walls you build to keep yourself safe . And they will do the inevitable to you. They’ll hurt you , leave you , discourage you, fall out of love with you and you’ll be dead inside. You’ll feel claustrophobic. You’ll feel all the possible physical pains and go through a lot many anxiety attacks and people around you will witness you suffer and call it “an Act “. And you’ll be more shattered.

You’ll drown in the ocean of tears and feel that your voice isn’t reaching anyone. You will lose the power to scream but you’ll be equally trying to storm out from that depth of despair. You’ll feel better to die than to suffer . But amidst all this pain eventually you will gather some strength and swim through the waves and it won’t be done. You’ll have to swim miles long but you’ll do it , and slowly you’ll realise that one hand above from the heaven is helping you throughout your journey from the hollows. You still haven’t reached to the shore. You’re still swimming, still trying to make it alive . And I believe you will . Cause the power in the heaven wants you to be indifferent of the doubtful voice in your head that constantly says that you’re not enough.

Sometimes you still feel that you’re just a pawn in everyone’s life. You’ve lost the ability to trust people, especially your own (you can’t even call them “own” anymore) . And you’ve taken matters in your own hands and you’re breaking through the barriers of self pity and self doubt. You’re trying and I’m proud of you . I love you for whatever you were , are or will be. You’ll be someone who makes people believe in humanity and kindness. You’re selflessly pure , you didn’t lose the ability to love but now you only love what or who deserves your love.

Please don’t give up. You can do this. Don’t wait for anyone to come to you and take you home. Don’t lose belief in yourself . Your words help you and people around you feel safe and loved. You’re too kind for this world. But you make it a better place altogether.

- Love , Betty🫶🏻

[marysunburn]

Azir the friendless emperor

Being "loved" was never a problem for Azir. An emperor has other thing in his mind aside from love: being worshipped, adored, revered, respected – envied and feared, if need be – are way more apt to someone such as he.

This is how he ends up with an entourage of people who, aside from Nasus, really don't like him.

Sivir is mostly annoyed by his behavior, Akshan tolerates him but to an extent (he reminds him a sliiiight bit of a certain other monarch he met), Samira sees him as a tyrant and Taliyah... let's say she'd not be there to help if he wasn't a victim of literal torture.

All this, and the fact that Azir wasn't really taught how to socialize with lowly commoners, stifles any camaraderie he may build with his retinue. As for the (bird)man himself, he sees only three ways of relating to people: worship, hatred and contempt. Since he's a victim of torture and indenture, who kissed his captor's hand and bowed to him every morning, he sees himself as contemptible and refuses to articulate why.

It's a nasty combination of pride and self-loathing – and Xerath's sweet little voice telling him he's gone too far, he ruined Shurima too much, he caused too much misery and no one will ever care for him, not as an Emperor (he's not anymore anyway), and nor as a person – that does little to give Azir comfort and help him heal.

One night he wakes up screaming for yet another nightmare: a recurring one he has, where everyone he ever cared for vanishes in a lightning storm. His parents, his siblings, his dear wife and children, Sivir, Nasus and Renekton... even his own entourage, Taliyah and Samira and Akshan. All lost, all gone – because of one foolish man who didn't deserve anything at all.

Like clockwork, Nasus rushes into Azir's coach wielding his halberd. -WHO GOES THERE?-

Azir quickly wipes his tears and sits up, nestled in his blankets. -Bad dream. I'm safe. But I prithee, stay near.-

-Are you hurt, little bird?- Nasus sniffs around for any danger, still clutching his weapon until he's sure it truly is just a bad dream.

-No, no. I'm fine. I just...- He feels so stupid when he says it, but the truth is the truth. -...I don't want to be alone.-

Nasus sits by his side, taking his shoulders.

-Alone? How so? Do you want to tell me?-

-Alone, again.- Unloved. Cared for by none. -With no one to turn to.-

-I'm here, dearest. I won't ever let you go.- I knew that, Nasus. As if knowing it made it any better to accept what I caused. -As for your retainers... they're good people. They're here to help.-

-Please, Nasus. I know they can't stand me,- Azir scoffs. He knows what they think. He's not very smart, but they're not subtle about it either.

Nasus cannot lie to him, but he just wants Azir to be happy. But what can he do?

The only friend Azir had murdered his family and tortured him for a whole years. And... there truly wasn't anyone else. He was never loved by anyone, and only now does he realize it.

What even is a friendless emperor. -It's hard,- is all he musters up.

-I know, baby bird. I know.- Nasus pulls him close, massaging his back. It's partly his fault, he knows. He taught Azir grammar, old tongues, astronomy and biology and philosophy, but he neglected to teach him what mattered the most, what his own parents refused to teach him, so blinded by their status.

How to love and be loved in return.

I wish I could spread tenfold to love you ten times much, to fill up myself the gaps in your heart.

-I wish I could heal,- Azir says. -Just... heal. Put everything behind me.-

Nasus bows his head wearily. -It's not easy, little bird. I've had a thousand years to heal, and I still haven't made it halfway through. I had my hard moments too, you know, when I thought I couldn't take it. And you know what brought me back, at the lowest of my lows?-

Azir shakes his head no. Nasus pulls up his chin and gives him a smile.

-I came across someone. Someone I hadn't seen in a long while and I'd missed a lot.- His hands run down Azir's arms and hold the emperor's own fingers, a soft squeeze. -A very special little bird with a big, big heart, who's trying his best every single day, and who's got a lot of love to give out.-

He knows there's a good man, underneath the pomp and circumstance. Why, he practically raised him. He wants Azir to be happy, and stop feeling so lost and sad. He wants Azir to properly mourn the family he once had, but also build a brand new one where he can feel safe and find comfort.

-Nasus, I...-

He can see Azir blushing underneath his feathers. He pulls him close and lays him back under the sheets. His own father never did it.

-Worry not now, dearest. Just bundle up and rest. Tomorrow will be a new day, and good things will come to you. Give those good people time to know you, alright? Treat them like friends, not as retainers. There's a lot to love in here.-

He tucks Azir in and kisses his head. It's a familiar gesture for both of them, bringing back simpler times.

Azir closes his eyes, hugging himself underneath the sheets. He feels a strange warmth within himself. It's best he's felt in a while.

But how do I get them to care for me?