#internalised fatphobia

[daaedoodles]

newly disabled regina + eating disorder regina is a painful and extremely angsty combination. like just imagine how out of control she feels after being hit by the bus and breaking her spine, and she’s trying to lose the weight from the kalteen bar situation but not being able to function or live her life the way she did before, much less exercise, but she still tries to anyway and hurts herself in the process because she wants nothing more than to have her old body back, both the one that wasn’t in pain all the time and one that was 10lbs smaller 😭

[cult-of-the-eye]

TW mentions of internalised fatphobia

I think one of the worst things about being fat is the constant thought of having to prove yourself. Like as a kid, I always thought to myself it's ok that I'm fat because I'm strong. I have desirable physical traits that don't require being skinny. Now that I'm older it's more, it's only ok that I'm fat if I work out. Otherwise people will think I'm fat because I'm lazy and ate too much and just needed to work out. If I tell people I work out then they wouldn't think that. But that's dumb. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So now I try to fight that in my head and try and end the sentence at "it's ok that I'm fat".

[biconicfinn]

i think thin people and to some extent even midsize people will never understand the agony that living as a fat person is sometimes like. all my horrendous experiences in childhood and up to now from other people and society in general to now aside i just suddenly thought of the way i myself treat myself.

without even discussing long term things and the way i treat my body or perceive it day to day; i just want to focus on one specific thing that just suddenly came back to me.

last year i went to ballroom dancing classes for the first half of the year and during that time i started catching feelings for my dance partner whom i met at this class (shit didn’t work out because of reasons but that’s not relevant) and even when we were in ballroom hold, and part of me thrilled to feel his left hand holding my right, my left on his arm, and his right on my shoulder blade, loved being twirled around and swept across a room together and the laughter and banter we shared, not to mention the chemistry we had with each other on and off the dance floor. but my fucking god every week for two hours i would be wrecked inside praying that my belly wouldn’t brush up against him, when we pressed close together what should have been the fun of a crush and physical contact with someone i liked i feared he would feel revolted every time my disgusting fat body had the audacity to brush up against his leaner stronger body. the shame i would feel every time and i would immediately apologise and he would always be like don’t worry about it it’s not a problem and looking back he probably didn’t give a shit at all but fuck if it didn’t eat me up inside every week for months.

and the worst part is?? i would never entertain having these thoughts about anyone else but when it’s my ass in the line of fire??? anything fucking goes let’s hate this fat body you have lived in most of your life it’s fine!!!

and this is just one incident in one period of my life. imagine how much more i am not telling you. you have no idea what it feels like to be me in my head in my body existing in this space. so don’t fucking dare tell me fatphobia isn’t real. it is and fuck it hurts me every single day.

[ineffectualdemon]

Me - Being fat and wearing a shirt that shows tummy when it's not meant to show tummy: I am the ugliest thing alive

Me - Being fat and wearing a crop top which shows lots of tummy: I am the sexiest motherfucker to ever exist

[tumbleringismycopingmechanism]

Something to help with some self-reflection regarding fatphobic ideas:

(source)

[thekats]

Nothing to bring you back down just as you're clawing your way out of a hole like a good old-fashioned realisation that you still have a ways to go to deconstruct oppressive systems that were planted in your brain at the ripe age of "no thoughts yet".

(Very long post on internalised fatphobia below)

I've been working hard to deconstruct internalised fatphobia (among other things). I've been trying every which way to love and find the beauty in my own shape ('average' weight, curvy build). I've been gently inserting and steering conversation to the best of my abilities towards body positivity. I've been reprimanding friends and family for repeating tropes and notions. And strike me with lightning right now if I don't love bigger bodies. On other people.

And I've been fighting that last tidbit so hard for so long. I like to think that if I were, truly, fat, I'd embrace it, but that I'm so insecure right now bc I'm this weird in-between where, if I show off my body, people will think I think I'm thin enough to fit the beauty standard (I am not). Me wearing a crop top does not feel like a statement so much as it feels like I'm petulantly trying to make people see that "I AM thin!!!!!" My belly isn't flat. My belly isn't toned. I'm so used to sucking it in that I've developed this weird issue where I frequently fully forget to breathe.

I am a binge eater. I've been fighting that for a very long time as well. I also have (now hopefully permanently dormant) hyperthyroidism and currently no-money-itis. I default to around 80kg give or take at a whopping 1,78m height. I'm the average's average, it seems like. And I honestly can't tell anymore if my issues with my body fat are because society and bullying have destroyed my perception of myself so much that I'm seeing things in the mirror, or if I just genuinely hate myself and the social consequences of fatness so much that I have to obsessively criticise every lump and bump on my bones. Or maybe I'm just that obsessed with clinging to every bit of control I think I have left in my life? I am not fat; I know that. I do not experience the daily struggles of fat people; I know that. Trust me, my mum is fat and has been my entire life. I know.

But when a work colleague asked me today if I'd lost weight, I was instantly sent into a shutdown, at work (luckily my shift today is working solo, but I still have to interact with people), because I had too many reactions all at once. None of them was pride.

You see, I've been battling with myself for weeks now if I can wear a crop top to my local pride event this year. I've worn a crop top for the first time in probably a decade only a few weeks ago and I felt great, sexy, comfortable, until I sat down with my very thin friend at an ice cream parlour. It had been my idea and my treat bc I hadn't "spoiled" myself to ice cream in a looong time when it is one of my favourite foods. The ice cream was good, the weather was warm, and there were people who were barely paying us attention but simultaneously seemed to be staring me into becoming a black hole. And I know paranoia is another one of my issues, but you can't deny the fact that people love to stare especially at those they consider in any way "unsightly". I felt like they must have considered me unsightly. Particularly when my friend is all thin and flat and narrow, even when sitting down, she's conventionally attractive and gets hit on. I get hit on, too, but I don't see that in those moments. I remarked proudly that day "I am wearing a crop top!" and she answered "I am wearing a crop top, too." It made me angry because, I thought, "Yes, but your thinness is not policed like my potentially perceived thickness." Neither her nor I have any actual say in our weights. She can't gain, I can neither gain nor lose. That's okay. It really really is. For other people.

I've seen so many beautiful fat queers at pride events over the years. I am not them. I cannot be them because I am not fat. So I still don't know if I can wear a crop top to my local pride event this year because it won't look like a statement. It will look like a desperate plea to be considered thin.

Another big thing my mind cycled through so very instinctual was "if my colleague noticed me losing weight and I have such issues with how 'big' I look now, then how big must I have been the last time she saw me? And I didn't even realise? How big am I now without realising it?!" Mind you, I've lost this incredibly huge amount of 4kg in however-many months /s. Yes, I can do my belt tighter by one, but scrunches up the waist of my trousers and it's uncomfortable/overstimulating, making me suck in my belly even more than I'm already trying not to do. But there's no change for my colleague to see, really. There shouldn't be.

The last big thing that went through my mind at the question was a mix of anger and frustration. Anger because why? Why would you comment on my weight? Why is that a thing you do? Just why? And frustration because it was 7am, I was already entering the shutdown and so had 0 energy to get into my spiel about why she shouldn't be asking that, why she shouldn't comment on that and why she is playing into the whole systematic- I just said "I don't know, maybe, I don't care."

"I don't care."

For two hours now and for the rest of the day at least, I have felt and will continue to feel shame. Not because I lied. I'm a high-ranking autistic who desperately wants to be an actor. I lie all the time. Being me is the biggest, most intricately detailed role I will play in my entire life. No, I am ashamed because

clearly

I do care. So much.

I've done all this work for years and I still fall short of my own damn self.

But, without wanting to turn this into a bs forced-positivity ✨keep going and everything will be alright✨ kind of inspo-post, I won't back down because of this. I feel deflated, disappointed, deterred. But not defeated.

Setbacks are normal.

Society is a sneaky snake and the roots of those seeds it plants run deep. You probably don't need a white person to tell you this (or maybe you do, but that's another, very frustrating topic), but you won't dismantle all this shit you want to fight within yourself in a year. Not when it's been growing inside you your whole life. And you will hit walls. In others. In society. In yourself. If nothing else can motivate you to stick with it, let pettiness do that job for you. Society right now is still fucked. It will stay fucked for both our lifetimes. Show it the middle finger. Be part of the change for generations to come.

Just because we have to suffer now, doesn't mean everyone has to suffer in generations to come.

This goes for all intersectional matters ever.

[lego-brick]

Constantly fighting with what I really wish I looked like and what is actually attainable as a transition goal. Because I know I won't be a thin tall lanky boy. I'm a short man with wide hips and a fair amount of weight on my bones (and I'm both becoming more and less okay with that weight as I explore my identity).

But if I'm not okay with looking like a fat man anymore than I was with being a fat woman, then are all my problems actually just caused by internalised fatphobia and body dysmorphia? It's weird and hard to distinguish the two.

I will say, being able to let go of the body expectations placed on women has been one of the most freeing experiences I've had. But I now need to deal with the internalised fatphobia of a completely different gender and experience, especially unique BECAUSE I'm a transman, and it's been hard.

[oldcoyote]

Understand that I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but fatphobic culture and diet culture normalises a lot of very unhealthy ways of relating to food. Calorie counting and dieting and skipping meals are normalised methods of disordered eating, even if they don't constitute a full Eating Disorder. Frequently weighing yourself too is a normalised way of developing self hatred for nothing, because it doesn't serve any purpose other than to flagellate yourself--and even if it was a useful corollary for health, it would still be concerning compulsive behaviour. If you were frequently measuring your blood pressure, or your heart rate, or some other easly monitored indicator of health, that would be concerning too, because it would be clear that it takes up an outsized amount of your focus. The fact that you (deliberately?) purge is above and beyond even that.

I don't want to preach to you, but it might be helpful to consider why you do these things, and how it would make you feel if tomorrow you just stopped doing these things. Could you stop? Could you just stop weighing yourself and counting calories and throwing up? Do you think these things are actually health promoting, and if they are do you think they're worth the harm they do? You don't have to answer these to me, but you should think about it.

I know learning about all the garbage lies peddled by fatphobia has been a struggle for you. I really wish the best for you.

thank you so much for worrying love, it's very kind of you. i am reading over this a few times to take all of it in and understand.

i definitely can stop (and have many times) but it tends to be detrimental for me to do so. when i stop weighing myself every day and stop calorie counting, my weight shoots up very fast. i've gained 20kg (44lbs) in the last year because i stopped and tried to let my body just be as it is, and now everything is a lot more frustrating and difficult because of the gain. my chronic pain is worse, and i can't afford to replace the clothing/equipment that's no longer suited to my rapidly expanding frame

i struggle very deeply with the fatposi movement because my internalised fatphobia is so intense. i have zero fatphobia when it comes to anybody else, and i'm so proud of so many people i know and see for letting go of that life and living authentically and loving who they are now - i envy them. i just know in my soul, i can't do that. in the same way i am unfathomably cruel to myself over little mistakes and accidents that aren't even my fault, how i can be so outright abusive to myself, i know at the same time that i could never by any stretch of the imagination be that way to another person that's not me. the only person i can ever deliberately hurt is me, because i am not worth anything, so it doesn't matter

the same goes for the fatness rule. i am proud of, and happy for, everybody else accepting their fatness. it just can't be me.

i don't know how to let go of the ingrained, rock-solid belief that seems etched into my very being that i will finally be happy and worth something when i'm thin. the things i would agree to if someone could just snap their fingers and make me thin in exchange are absolutely horrifying. i want it more than anything. it has been my whole life's desire for decades and at this point, i don't know how to not want it so much. i just want to be worth something more than anything in the world and i don't know how to uncouple my worth from thinness. i don't see thinness as worth or fatness as a lack of worth in any other human being, so i don't know why i can't escape it when it comes to me

i will say that i cannot stop doing these things again, at this stage, i have to keep doing them to keep control over the situation before it escalates and gets even worse. i know these things are horrible and probably will lead to a full blown ED if i don't watch out, but the alternative is something i just cannot afford. i am so so grateful to everybody for trying to help. i just need to figure out some kind of balance. <3

[mangedog]

thinking about being fat and how like 80% of my body dysphoria/internalised fatphobia would go away if the people around me accepted fat people as normal and natural and beautiful

like. it's been a very long journey for me to find acceptance in my body. i haven't even reached body positivity for myself yet, only neutrality at best. but the world is stuck in body negativity, and when your entire environment is telling you one thing while you're desperately trying to tell yourself another... it's hard man. it wears you down.

and it's an uphill battle. one day i feel ok about myself, or maybe, miraculously, even good. and then someone says something - an offhand comment, or a targeted one - or my clothes cling a bit too tightly or there's a new diet ad on tv or a surgeon i consult about life changing (life giving) top surgery says he won't do it until i lose weight because otherwise it won't look nice enough (no medical reason whatsoever, just your results would look better if you weren't so fat)... and I'm thrown right back into self hate, eating disorders, avoiding mirrors and any clothes that aren't at least a size too big.

I'm so tired. and while I'm obviously mad and tired about the fatphobia of the world around me, I'm more tired of how it infiltrates my own thinking and views of myself and others. I've found myself thinking, "oh well at least I'm not as big as them", or "I'm only 30kg above my ideal weight, it could be worse" or "at least i eat healthily and I'm trying, unlike some"... who do these thoughts benefit? not me, certainly not other fat people. I'll tell you: it benefits a thin world. diet companies and fatphobic doctors and personal trainers and the health food shop and the vegan restaurant and the fast food shop you binge eat at because it's never gonna get better, I'm never gonna be thin, so why do i even try?

i don't know what my point is. i don't even need a point. I'm just angry, and sad, and tired. it shouldn't be this way.

[captaindibbzy]

I put on some weight cause I haven't been moving much (cause, you know, PAIN) and also I'm on my period. So now my brains just jumped straight to "you are not allowed to eat anything ever again because you are disgusting"

Thank you brain. That's completely a totally a reasonable and rational response. That's exactly how human bodies work and that's great for my overall health.

YOU FUCKING UTTER PIECE OF SHIT ORGAN GET OUT OF HERE 🧹🧠

[sunsetsandhope]

any tips for internalised fatphobia, your girl is struggling a lot at the moment and needs help, like really needs help

[mx-magwitch]

DOG THIS IS IN ACTUAL THING?? I JUST THOUGHT I WAS DISGUSTING AND SWEATY.

I'm not super skinny either, but I've always noticed how insanely warm everything is to me. But I figured I'm just fat and that, so yknow. Sweaty and disgusting, all that internalised fatphobia,

And then my support woman told me "oh I have another person who also struggles with temperature regulation, do you want me to put the fan on-"

So I figure maybe just a mix of me being fat + tistic, but

THIS IS A THING?

You have no idea how much this means to know. I've always hated myself so much for being like this

Heat Intolerance

This disability pride month I'd like to talk about heat intolerance. Because honestly although it's not the first health issue that presented symptoms in my life. It was the first time I was like "I don't think my body works right".

And honestly given disability pride month is during one of the hottest months in the year. It seems fitting. Especially because there's a lot of disabilities and medications that cause it.

What is heat intolerance?

Simply speaking it's the inability for the body to regulate it's temperatures especially in hot settings to cool itself down.

Why is awareness important?

Because gaslighting people or worse not providing them a place to cool down just because you "feel fine" is extremely fucking dangerous.

What are the medicines that can cause heat intolerance?

Antihistamines (Allergy medications) . Decongestants (Sudafed or any medication that has the D at the end of it). Stimulants (ADHD medications. Steroids. Caffeine.) Beta-blockers (blood pressure medications). Overactive bladder treatment. Psychiatric medications (including but not limited to medications for depression and anxiety). Pain relievers. Antibiotics.

What medical conditions can cause heat intolerance?

EDS (Elhers-Danlos syndrome). Autism. ADHD. Migraines. Brain/spinal-cord injury. Sensory processing disorder. Chronic fatigue syndrome. Endocrin problems. POTS. Menopause. Hypothyroidism. Diabetes. Heart Disease. Multiple sclerosis. Mental health disorders.

What should I do if I suspect I have heat intolerance?

Reduce time outside during hot months. Keep your electrolytes up. Drink plenty of water. Stay out of the sun whenever possible if outside. Be aware of the symptoms of heat exhaustion and heat stroke.

Clothes that are best worn for heat intolerance. Loose lightweight breathable fabrics. Natural fibers. Long sleeves that protect from sunburn as sunburns will increase your risk. Light clothes that reflect light. Wide brimmed hats that shade the face and neck.

Cool. So what are those symptoms I'm supposed you be looking for?

Headaches. Excessive fatigue. Mood changes. Muscle cramping or weakness. Nausea/ vomiting. Rapid heartbeat. Excessive sweating or not sweating at all.

When should I do to the doctor?

If you suspect you have heat intolerance you can go to your PCP to discuss what medications you may be on and what you can do about it. Otherwise, please go to the emergency room if you have symptoms of heat stroke.

This is good information and all but why are you making this post?

To raise awareness. Not just for the people that have it but weren't aware of what it was called. But for all of the idiots that tried to gaslight me when I was in school because I was like "I don't think this is normal. Every time we do our mile run outside I vomit all over the place but other kids aren't doing that."

Also because people always blame me for over heating if I wear long sleeves or pants. I always like to take notes from what people in the middle east wear because they literally live in the excessive heat and spend long hours in the excessive heat. Often in clothing that covers most of their body. They've gotta know what they're doing, right?

I have some type of xenophobic comment about why people from the middle east cover up

Shut the fuck up 😊

-fae

[niborssideblog]

Me when I see other guys with my exact body type: 🤤🤌🫶🫦

Me when I look at my own body in the mirror: 🤮

[somethingblu3]

My dash is making me remember how I always feel so bad for asking to sit down I never do my anxiety always gets the better of me but I don’t want to mod conversation always ask people for a chair. I think there’s a bit of internalised (probably a lot) of fatphobia there to I just don’t want to make myself more of a skeptical. I guess I don’t want to acknowledge my disability even when I don’t have to despite the fact that it effects 90% of my existence. Then I’m like why do I feel so bad asking for support? Probably because it’s not normalized enough. I never see anyone in the same situation so I never know how to approach it.

[mickkspics]

For so long I followed other peoples’ rules about what was deemed pretty. I strayed so far from my natural self that it feels weird to rediscover myself the way I was meant to be. And I find it really difficult to let go of those silent expectations that I can still feel linger in my mind as if they’re my own. But I know they’re not mine because before anyone told me what I should look like I liked myself. I didn’t care if my curly hair was “big” or my teeth weren’t white, that my belly wasn’t flat and that the soft little hairs on my lip were visible. I liked the shade of my skin before it became a subject for other people to talk about. Loved it even. And now years later I’m trying really hard to let go of the changes I’ve made to make other people more comfortable. And I’m trying to do so with the love and kindness that I always should’ve had. But I also feel anger and resentment against the people that made me feel like I had to change the way I was. Eventhough most of them probably had good intentions. And I don’t know what to do with that anger. 

[skettyspegeti]

Girl really got angry over their public post ppl can respond to... Bye sweety?