emmacastle

[emmacastle]

[emmacastle]

She/Her✨

It’s not easy for her to be okay with being distant , she’s taught to be like that.

It’s not easy to wait ; when will her absence remind them of her existence .

It’s not easy for her to be a bandaid to someone who won’t think twice before ripping her off as soon as they are back on their feet. Why does a stranger feel more like home than a friend? She wonders ;

How did she land here ? It’s more like nowhere.

It aches to look back , memories don’t seem comforting when they’re suppose to .

I guess she’s too lost to come home in solace.

Hope is fading , wait is ending , she’s getting colder .

Doors are closed to her worn out heart. Walls are concrete and sky high , toughened with what she has been put through ,

Her colours changed to dull and dark ,

She’s there for herself ,

Sometimes she’s tired of carrying it all too well, so she rests her head on that wall ,

Still can’t stop waiting for someone to love her enough to break it down.

— betty🌙

[emmacastle]

I’m scared of the day ,

I can’t stand the light

For I’m the child of the dark.

Journey to the stars seem far ,

But not as tiring as the distance to the sun.

I seek solitude under the serene night skies

than those noisy stories of love in the daylight.

To know I’d never find my way in the day

To the only time I talk

To the only time I listen to myself enough to learn about these beautiful faces with dull hearts

I want the dark to settle in me like I did in its entirety.

I want it to kiss me and tell me I’m home

I no longer have to worry about the discrepancies of the day when the night seems as the same , with or without my eyes closed.

It’s the most real form of peace. There are ghosts in here I won’t lie but they appear the same as they are without blabbering any sweetness

They kill me right away with such a rawness, I’m not confused if they’re pretending like the friendly foes of the day.

I die with a smile ,

and why not ,

I’m murdered by a soulless demon

than a selfish friend.

[emmacastle]

Tonight when I stared at the sky ,

It felt like it silenced my alarming soul and my raging mind, in those few moments I observed every shade of the vault of the heaven , every corner of the clouds and every scar of the moon. I felt I was the child of the sky. Like the nights are meant for me ; like she wants to look into the horrors of my heart .The sky listens , she weeps with me , she shines on me and like no one else she’s there for me. She’s teaching me to be brave , brave enough to be beautiful in all my of shades. The journey from the darkest blues to the vibrant hues. I know the sky is SHE. ‘Cause she’s just like me 🌌

—Betty🌙

[emmacastle]

Do y’all ever get scared of showing off a bond you have with someone? Like if at all they know how important they are to you it would make it easier for them to take you for granted. Is it shallow to think how scary it is to show someone that you love them ?I mean what do you get after pouring your heart out to people?? Neglect and ignorance followed by a slow abuse where they kill you with little ounce of heartache everyday. It’s not too late until the heartache travels to all of your body covering your stomach , arms , legs , head , eyes and CHEST. Ohh the CHEST, it hurts like a bitch in there. It almost feels as if all the love that you had saved for them , it’s burning and you could feel the flames turning those loving memories into series of haunted nightmares , besides it won’t be long until all the love that you had saved in you turns into ashes and you’re a BARREN MESS….AGAIN !!!!The hardest part is where you don’t even want an apology from them for what they did to you , but deep down you hope that they reek of remorse and the guilt of losing you, hurting you , breaking you and mostly KILLING YOU. Tragic how people can go from being a most important part of your life to being a “non-existent” . And just like that you have an added guilt for yourself to allow someone to murder one more version of you which could have been an inspiration, a hope , a star to someone as doomed as your past self. You could have saved someone, too bad you can’t now for you’re the one who needs saving.🤍 ~A loner Betty 🌙

[emmacastle]

How??

You looked fine before me but you look fine after me too. How?

Maybe you’re hurt and I can’t see but if I can’t see I guess I did not do a very good job loving you. Except that I did ‘cause how could I not. How?

Somehow I managed surviving without you and I guess you’re doing it too but what if you’re not surviving and you’re as good as you were. How?

Again , loving too hard did nothing good to me ‘cause here I am living the day , the day you unloved me . How?

Now I know, why did you hesitate to hold my hand while crossing the road and thought twice before saying something nice . I did not see it coming . How?

“Choose me “!!!!! Was that too much to ask for? I guess it was ‘cause if we were real I shouldn’t have to ask for it. I know How.

Making mistakes and by mistake I mean you. You are by far one of the most painfully beautiful mistake I’ve ever made. And I know how.

Because you made me laugh on my ordinary days and every lousy day was worth it when I got to see you in the end.

Like how I wanted someone for whom everything is about me , I got you , temporarily.

Love was never supposed to be blind ‘cause it is all about to make you see and feel that whatever you’ve been through your whole life it was all worth it because now that you are with the love of your life you’re healed and alive and grateful.

But I guess I was one heartbreak away to lose the ability to love someone else with the same innocence with which I loved you.

You’re never going to know how . But I do . ‘Cause now that we’ve grown apart I’m not me and you’re still you .

-With no love left

Betty🌙

[emmacastle]

[emmacastle]

[emmacastle]

Day after 19 years 10 months 25 days and where did I land?

My teenage self would be proud of me if she knew that I haven’t given up , I kept fighting. But what about the present me? I often felt uneasy as a teen , like I always tried to be a part of something which didn’t want me . I felt uninvited, ugly , powerless and incompetent , call it the fear of being left out but I tried , so hard to fit in and when I had achieved the tag of one of those “cool kid”, It didn’t made any sense. I didn’t know how to be comfortable with what I was. Back then it used to feel important to be liked and loved by the crowd. My 14 year self needed someone like me then, she needed someone to calm her down of all the fear , fear of being unloved and that she’ll continue to be the disappointment to everyone in her way.

She didn’t deserve to be characterised as “fast”. She wasn’t fast she was trying to pick up the pace cause she only wanted to be considered as everyone‘s favourite. That’s all she wanted. She tried to not care but then what it got her? She was called worse things. She was as pure as the holy water of god’s home. So innocent that she believed every one , didn’t question anyone. Trusted like the world she lived in would never harm her and the people she loved would catch her if she ever fell from those peaks of ignorance. Little did she knew that those miscreants were actually waiting for her to have that grand fall and laugh how she’s ruined herself. She did it. She ruined herself by relying on the people who didn’t deserve to be relied on.

Dear little me, I know you suffered from every possible pain but look where it brought you. You don’t make the same mistakes you made as a kid. You’re more careful and you know the value of quality over quantity. You know the importance of healthy surroundings. So just hold on to one more day and you’ll reach further. There are gonna be so many people for whom you’ll open your heart, break the walls you build to keep yourself safe . And they will do the inevitable to you. They’ll hurt you , leave you , discourage you, fall out of love with you and you’ll be dead inside. You’ll feel claustrophobic. You’ll feel all the possible physical pains and go through a lot many anxiety attacks and people around you will witness you suffer and call it “an Act “. And you’ll be more shattered.

You’ll drown in the ocean of tears and feel that your voice isn’t reaching anyone. You will lose the power to scream but you’ll be equally trying to storm out from that depth of despair. You’ll feel better to die than to suffer . But amidst all this pain eventually you will gather some strength and swim through the waves and it won’t be done. You’ll have to swim miles long but you’ll do it , and slowly you’ll realise that one hand above from the heaven is helping you throughout your journey from the hollows. You still haven’t reached to the shore. You’re still swimming, still trying to make it alive . And I believe you will . Cause the power in the heaven wants you to be indifferent of the doubtful voice in your head that constantly says that you’re not enough.

Sometimes you still feel that you’re just a pawn in everyone’s life. You’ve lost the ability to trust people, especially your own (you can’t even call them “own” anymore) . And you’ve taken matters in your own hands and you’re breaking through the barriers of self pity and self doubt. You’re trying and I’m proud of you . I love you for whatever you were , are or will be. You’ll be someone who makes people believe in humanity and kindness. You’re selflessly pure , you didn’t lose the ability to love but now you only love what or who deserves your love.

Please don’t give up. You can do this. Don’t wait for anyone to come to you and take you home. Don’t lose belief in yourself . Your words help you and people around you feel safe and loved. You’re too kind for this world. But you make it a better place altogether.

- Love , Betty🫶🏻

[emmacastle]

For nothing but LoVE

You often said I’m wrong. That I might have misinterpreted what you said earlier. But I heard just what you said , you just didn’t know I would actually find my home into the holt of your words , constantly mending and deepening my wounds. Somethings you said , most of them you didn’t. I live with what you poured in me but I’m mostly empty for I wasn’t the one the to be filled in with the rest . But I’m still endeavouring to not turn myself into a barren mess. There are times when I wanna move ahead and I do but each mile you’re just there , in my head . Maybe our actual stories have no lengths left , but I can’t stop writing pages. There is no me before you in these pages. They know me from how they know you.

You’re right. Maybe I’m stretching my thoughts to a point I lose my focus on reality but how can you exist in all of my worlds. The things you didn’t say , I’m telling those to myself. Do you remember how you would never let go off my hand while driving , your fingers would make countless circles on my palm , how you’d watch me giggle on a joke I didn’t get , listen me breathe and my heart beat when we came too close . You knew my smell, you knew how I react to you watching me. You knew things which you never thought you really knew. Then how am I wrong ?

I’m not wrong, I’m just too right for us right now. Sometimes in the middle of the night I could still feel my fingers sliding through your hair and gently rubbing my lips over your forehead while you slept , I wondered if you were dreaming of me. At least I wished you did. I still do.

— Your eternal memory,

Betty💗

[emmacastle]

When you love someone more than their capability of receiving that love,

you’re being unfair to yourself .

IT WOULD TAKE TIME TO SINK IN☔️

_betty💕

[emmacastle]

For the one who are reading this ;)

Dear stranger , I hope you’re okay because you deserve to be so. Nobody knows what you’re feeling , even if they say they understand they don’t and somehow you know that they don’t , no matter how clear your words are , they can never come an inch closer to the hell your mind is in. Your heartbreaks are as loud as those volcanoes erupting in a deserted island with no one around. You’ve been broken , healing , mending all those pieces alone with absolutely no help.

Why? Cause you’re expected to be strong and when people expect this courage from you they wouldn’t care to ask you if you’re okay. You always mask your troubled self with this showcase that you’ve created for the world of yourself. Most of times you’re zoned out , you feel like everyone around you is shallow . You see your yourself as a free bird but you’re not rewarded any sky. You wanna be yourself but the price to pay is such that you cannot afford it. At least for now .

Socially, I am a stranger to you but I’m not any different from you in my head. You’re one of those diamonds in the caves of coals . And I’m one of those pearls found in the depths of the ocean. We’ve so much within ourselves , too real that people are scared to confront our realness and would rather prefer our first copies or fake copies than daring to jump into those depths and vanishing into those caves to find us. But then not everyone deserves real . Not everyone deserves us. You’re worth a fortune but that fortune isn’t some monetary bargain, it’s love . You and me , we are so much more than strangers . We’re both starving for the same thing. But this famine isn’t for forever. It will end soon . And we will be fed the exact kind of love we deserve.

Yes! I don’t know your stories , I don’t know how many pillows you’ve drenched, I don’t know how many times people have crushed your innocence or how many times you had to pick up those pieces which wounded you worse than helping you heal. I don’t know anything about you . But i do know the pain that caused everything. We’re alike in so many ways and I guess that’s enough.

— the stranger who loves you and ,

I hope this didn’t make you feel a stranger at least not to me❤️

Betty 💕

[emmacastle]

Everything she has ever wrote about were the stories of every person she’s met ,

And often they wonder why she does this ,

Why write of people she once knew?

But she hopes one day she’ll mean enough for someone to write about her too!

— Betty💕