amourdeleon07

[amourdeleon07]

"Betrayal" - A Flash Fiction

Another post woooo!!!! Hope you guys will enjoy!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have never felt so betrayed in my life. It’s January 1, the beginning of a New Year and you decide to do this to me? I don’t understand you, but then again, I never understood you from the beginning even when we were so close. 

Haha…Making amends to everyone? Everyone but me? Don’t you find that heartless? I was the first person to make you feel something, the first person to comfort you and tell you that your feelings are valid, the first person to hear your problems until the end, the first person to check up on you, yet you don’t try and make amends with me? Ridiculous, utterly ridiculous!

‘New Year, New Me’, you probably thought, but I don’t think you’ll ever change if you continue to act like this around me, for me, I think ‘New year, New issues!’, I can practically smell the problems I have to face later on in this year. We used to be so close but now…you act like I’m a complete stranger as if you didn’t tell me all your worries every night, as if you didn’t tell me how your day went, as if we’ve never laughed together, as if we never spent hours talking together, as if we never had something. 

Good for you that you’re trying to fulfill your New Year’s resolution but I still see you the same way, the same heartless person who left me without a proper goodbye. I tried to fix that, to fix what we lost,  to fix our friendship, but then you just wouldn’t let me and left me alone, again. Did you even care about me the same way I cared about you?

I probably sound jealous, bitter, or even resentful but I don’t care. I know I deserve an explanation on why you chose to act like this after everything I did for you. I deserve a proper explanation as to why you chose to act like we never had history. I deserved better.

I’m glad my friends told me all about what you did, I’ve never felt so upset before. It’s the first day of the year and you brought me this, thank you! Gee, this might just be another eventful year for me. I feel so betrayed that you did this to me. I don’t blame you if you dislike me, I admit that I have acted immaturely in the past and I’m sorry for that, but I don’t understand why you did this even when we were still on good terms, it doesn’t make any sense at all.

Are you happy with where you stand in life right now? I know I am, I have been so much better, so much happier without you but I still care about you because I still think of you as a good friend. Are you happy with a new year without me? I still remember when you were terrified of the future, terrified of what may or may not happen but look at you now, on bad terms with probably the only person who would comfort you and side with you.

Gosh, what did I do to make you treat me like this? Did I hurt you and I didn’t know? Do your friends dislike me? I don’t care what reason you may bring up, I don’t care if it will hurt me a lot, but I deserve an explanation. I deserve to know why you betrayed me like this.

I should stop thinking about this, it’s the first day of the new year and I don’t want or like this negative energy you’re giving me. I should move on and ignore you the same way you ignore me. After all, you did betray me. Who knows what you might do next.

[amourdeleon07]

"I care. I always care. That's my problem" - A Flash Fiction

I haven't posted in a while whoops mg but I got busy because of Research dsaiugfkjhsdj I'll try my best to keep posting as often as I can though!! Here's another angsty flash fic!! Enjoy!!

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I smiled reassuringly and offered words of comfort to the person in front of me as they broke down in tears. I offered comfort and warmth and even stopped what I’d been doing just to offer a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to their worries and problems. What a heartwarming scene, someone breaks down in front of me as I comforted them and reassured them that all their feelings are valid.

If only I found someone who’d do the same for me…

No.

 I can’t think about that right now. I can’t think about myself when someone is having a crisis in front of me. I can’t think about myself right now when someone else needs me. I have to be there for them both physically and mentally, right? 

“Never keep things bottled up. If you have any problems, then go to someone you can trust and talk to them. Don’t feel bad about doing so, it’s completely normal to feel this way.” I said

…

Closing the door and leaning against it, I sighed and ran a hand through my hair as my mind was clouded with numerous thoughts. So many things to follow up on, to check up on, to update, to facilitate, to do, will I ever catch a break? I’m exhausted. I want to sob and let out all my frustrations, but I can’t. I can’t,  knowing that I know someone would come and ask for help, I can’t. I’m going insane, I’m on the last straw.

…

Even if I did let out everything, who would listen to me the way I do for others? I have friends, they listen to my problems but…I don’t want to burden them…especially when they’re having a really fun time with each other, I don’t want to ruin the mood. Guess I’ll keep this all to myself then because I always care for others instead of myself.

Funny, how my words not too long ago contradict what I was just thinking about. Funny, how I don’t even follow the advice I give to others when they’re at their lowest. Funny, how I’m breaking down, sobbing in the middle of the room quietly so no one could hear.

Why do I care about others? I mean, that’s a good thing, but is it still a good thing when I forget myself in the process? Am I being too selfless? I know I’m hurting yet I still help others instead of myself.

I’ll focus on myself from now on.

What an empty promise I made to myself countless times. How many times will tell myself the same thing over and over and over again? How many times will I try to ‘toughen’ up only to be sobbing at night a month after? How pitiful.

Why do I always seem to care about others when I promised myself that I wouldn’t anymore? Why can’t I care less? I’m hurting. I know that, yet…I always care. That’s my problem. 

Ding.

I paused and looked at my phone, seeing a notification from a friend. ‘Are you free? I need someone to talk to.’ They said. 

…

‘Yeah, what’s wrong?’ I replied as I typed away with tears falling down like a waterfall down my face.

I care. I always care. That’s my problem.

[amourdeleon07]

"Cruel Summer" - A Flash Fiction

THIS IS MY MOST FAVORITE WORK I'VE DONE AND I'M SO PROUD OF HOW IT TURNED OUT. I had to listen to Cruel Summer on loop to feel motivated and inspired by Mother Taylor and I'M SO HAPPY WITH HOW I WROTE IT!!! I hope you guys will enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing this!!!

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“Fever dream high in the quiet of the night

You know that I caught it…”

The speakers boomed through the room as I listened to Cruel Summer by Taylor Swift on a September afternoon. I sat on the couch, curled up into a ball and I smiled as we talked over the phone. I’m glad you can’t see the wide idiotic smile I have on my face but I wished you were right next to me, wrapping your arms around my body as we talked endlessly. You don’t need to know that though, I don’t want to ruin what we have just yet. You’ll know soon enough, but for now…let me feel like a teenager in love.

“...Bad, bad boy,

Shiny toy with a price

You know that I bought it…”

How do I even deal with these feelings of mine? I can’t help but feel giddy every time I get even a single text message from you. Oh, love. They say I should shoot my shot but I still want to enjoy the time I get to spend with you before I risk it all and throw it out the window.

“...Killing me slow, out the window

I’m always waiting for you to be waiting below…”

How many times will I sneak out just to see you late at night? Why am I doing this? Am I doing this just to see that pretty face of yours? Maybe. I probably won’t stop sneaking out until I finally have you in my arms, on my bed as we cuddle under the silk sheets in my bedroom, all cuddled up and our legs tangled with each other’s as we drift off into the sweet slumberland. But for now, I’ll stick to sneaking out and waiting in your backyard just so I can see you.

“...Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn’t kill me makes me want you more…”

This is a dangerous game I’m playing. You probably don’t see me the way I see you. You have no idea how I feel about the things you do. It’s quite thrilling and exciting to the point it feels like my heart is about to pop off my chest and explode. But no matter how risky this is, I’m willing to risk it just to be with you for even a single moment.

“...And it’s new, the shape of your body

It’s blue, the feeling I’ve got 

And it’s ooh, whoa, oh

It’s a cruel summer…”

Walking through the park with you? Holding hands with you? What a dream. I can’t believe it, I must be dreaming, someone please pinch me. I can’t stop the grin from forming on my face as we stroll through the park, the breeze of the hot summer air hits both of our faces. The sunlight perfectly kisses and compliments your face, I wished I was the one kissing your face though. But you don’t need to know that. Not yet.

“...It’s cool, that’s what I tell ‘em 

No rules in breakable heaven 

But ohh, whoa, oh

It’s a cruel summer

With you…”

Giggling over people asking if I have feelings for you. Is it that obvious? How can they tell? Is it because of the way I look at you? Is it because of the way I talk so passionately about you and the times we’ve spent together? Is it because of the way my face lights up even if I just hear your name? Oh no…Is it obvious to you? I hope not. I want you to find out when I tell you all about it. Please, I hope you don’t figure it out and discover the little secret I’ve been hiding from you.

“...I’m drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar…”

I sobbed when I overheard that you like someone, my feelings spilling all over the place. My eyes are swollen and red as I thought of the chance of it being me was very slim, but never zero, right? Oh gosh, my heart aches, yearning for your words of comfort, as I sobbed on your shoulder. Oh, how I wish you were here with me to tell me how you love me the same way I love you. But you aren’t. And I hate that. But it’s like the gods heard from their palace as you came knocking on my door. 

 I wiped the salty tears off my face, I looked at the mirror and frowned. I look terrible but that doesn’t matter, you’re waiting for me. I opened the door and put on a smile. “Are you alright?”, you asked.

“...Said ‘I’m fine’, but it wasn’t true…”

I lied. I never lie to you. I never want to. Was I scared to admit that I cried because of the thought of you loving someone else? Or was I scared to ruin what we had? 

“...I don’t want to keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate 

Every night that summer just to seal my fate…”

This is probably the last time I’ll ever sneak out just to see you. It’s now or never. The longer I wait and pray, the more painful it is to yearn for your love. I can’t keep this away from you any longer. It’s time for you to know.

“...And I screamed for whatever it’s worth

‘I love you’, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?

He looks up grinning like a devil…”

I did it. I’ve confessed my love to you - well, more like screamed my love to you. I was expecting a broken heart but my eyes widened as I looked up only to see you smiling with loving eyes at me. My heart dropped but in a good way. I reached out to you and you pulled me up and wrapped me around your arms. Oh, how cruel has summer been to me.

[amourdeleon07]

"I hope my absence haunts you - Revenge: The Sixth Stage of Grief" - A Flash Fiction

whoops I forgot to post yesterday oopsies... Here you go, hope you enjoy!!!

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Heartbroken and hated once again for what seems to be the umpteenth time. When will I ever have my happy ending? 

First Stage - Denial:

As they left me, I can’t help but wonder where did I ever go wrong. What am I lacking in? Am I not attractive enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I not loving enough? Where in the world could it have gone wrong?

I cry myself to sleep night after night, blaming myself for something I could’ve prevented if I was only good enough for them. I watch them as they smile the next day and ignore my presence as if we never had something. 

Please tell me this isn’t real, I love them wholeheartedly! I can’t do this, I can’t accept this. There has to be a way to fix this, right? No, no, please no. This can’t be happening, not when I finally opened up to them fully to love them. 

Gosh, please don’t do this to me. Why must our fate be like this? This is unacceptable. We were perfect for each other….were perfect for each other…

Oh, how love is such a wonderful feeling but how can it be so cruel?

Second Stage - Anger:

Whatever. They lost me anyway. It’s their loss, not mine. If I could’ve lived just fine before I met them, then I can do it again. It’s not like they’re the oxygen I need to breathe. Just forget about them, easy as that.

Why did they even decide to end things with me anyway? I have the qualities they’re looking for so why lose me and not fight for me? After everything I did for them, is this how they repay me? How dare they do such a thing! I gave them nothing but my love and affection and they bring me this? Outrageous I say!

How infuriating, not long after our separation, they’re already looking for another to love and care for them. Ha, so they just wanted to replace me, how ungrateful of them. I treated them as if they were the most precious thing that ever came to my life yet all they’ve ever done is make me feel hopeless and guilty of not being enough for them. Turns out I wasn’t enough for them, I was way out of their league, they couldn’t handle all of me. What a weakling.

Why did I even decide to stoop down to their level to love them only to be stabbed harshly in the back? I loved them for who they were, even if they were good or bad, I still loved them regardless. Did I hit my head too hard? Goodness, why did I do such a thing?

It’s okay, it’s all in the past now. I’m okay. Life is okay. I have no choice but to continue with life...right? 

Third Stage - Bargaining:

What if I slowly make my way back into their life and eventually go back to how we were? They won’t expect that, right? … Am I crazy? Am I willing to go that far for them? Maybe…

Can’t the world give me a sign and tell me this is only temporary? Relationships are like rollercoasters, it has their ups and downs, what if this will only lead to us being happier? Please tell me this is just a nightmare, I hope I wake up in their arms only to realize that it was all just a bad dream.

I promise to the universe that I’ll stop asking for more, so please just let us be together again. I don’t want us to be apart, we were made for each other…I’m getting desperate…

Fourth Stage - Depression:

Will I ever experience love like that ever again? I don’t think that will ever happen to me again…I feel so empty…I feel so unloved. Am I unlovable? Is that why they left me? What’s the point of living if I’m unhappy?

I want to rip myself open and scream at myself for never being enough for anyone. If they left me, does that mean everyone else will leave me too? Gosh, why don’t I end my life right here, right now? 

They’re never coming back, why would they even come back after seeing me being so immature, so unlovable? I don’t blame them for hating me, I’m the worst after all. 

Fifth Stage - Acceptance:

People come and go, it’s not like our separation is the end of the world, it’s a simple break-up. I can cry - I already did, but that shouldn’t stop me from living. I’m living for myself and not for them. Like I said before, ‘It’s not like they’re the oxygen I need to breathe’, I can live without them once and I can do it again, I just need time to heal.

We weren’t made for each other, I can understand that. But I can’t help but think about how they left me so abruptly and found someone new so quickly. How could they do such a thing? I’m here still sobbing and thinking about them while they’re over there wanting to kiss someone else. 

Sixth Stage - Revenge:

Oh, wait ‘til I show them what they’re truly missing out on. It’s their loss and not mine. They chose to leave me behind as if I wasn’t the best thing they could’ve ever gotten in their life. No offense to their new love interest, but I am far better than them, I have so many traits, talents, and skills they don’t have to the point it seems so sad that they lowered their standards to want to be with someone like them. I’ll show them what they lost, I’ll show them what they’ll never have ever again. I will never let them see me suffer while they’re out and being happy. It’s not fair that they found someone new just like that, oh, I’ll show them. I hope my absence haunts you.

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This is probably one of my favorite works and I'm really proud of it but I'm sad that I made it a flash fiction so I can't really go into detail about how it would play out but maybe next time!!

[amourdeleon07]

"Relapse" - A Flash Fiction

3rd flash fiction I'll be posting here YIPEEEE!!! I hope you guys enjoy!!! I already cross-published this on Ao3!!

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Relapse, falling back to a worse state after a change for the better. How I dread getting relapses after being reminded of memories I desperately pushed away. As much as I would thank those memories for teaching me a thing or two, I would never miss the emotions I had to go through when I was in the moment.

After I thought I moved on and became a better person, something in this world had to remind me of the memories I had to once go through. Whether it would be a good or bad memory, it still hurts. 

But what hurts the most is when I go back to the memories I had with you. No matter how painful it was when it happened or even just thinking about it, I still wish I was still with you, is it wrong for me to feel this way?

I’m good with where I stand in life as of now. Life has been good for me, studies have been going well for me. I’ve spent more time with my family and friends and I’ve gotten more closer to them. I also have been focusing on myself more, learning how to love myself even with my flaws, and I’ve been taking care of myself as well. But if I were to be honest,...

 I kinda wish you were still here with me right now. 

Life has been great for me, but I can’t help but miss you from time to time. Our relationship may not have been the best I’ve had, but you were definitely someone I wanted to spend time with over and over again.

No, stop that. ‘I’m better off without you,’ I tell myself.

I don’t need you and I definitely don’t ever want you back in my life ever again. Why would I want you back after everything you’ve put me through? I would be insane if I did want you back. 

Yet…Why do I still yearn for your presence? Why do I still wonder what you’re up to? Why do I still wonder what’s on your mind? Why? Have I not fully moved on? I don’t want you back but I also want to spend more time with you, that sounds crazy, doesn’t it? 

You’re not the only one I miss…I miss my old batchmates…my old friends…I miss our old games, our inside jokes, our moments, our everything. I wish I could go back in time, relive the times we all shared together, and cherish it, but I can’t, that’s impossible. 

As much as I want to be reunited with them again, I know things will be different. We’ve all grown older and more mature, we probably won’t be as chaotic as we used to be. I miss the chaos we would always brew.

Man, why can’t I stop thinking about them? I’ve grown to be a better person without them, I’ve changed a lot ever since I went my separate way. But…everywhere I go…I’m reminded of them, all of them. 

It’s like for a moment I’m on top of the world, then in the next moment, I’m being dragged down by heavy chains - those heavy chains being the memories I desperately tried to forget. Why can’t I just forget all about them?

Every time I’m reminded of them, the memories flash before my eyes, my chest feeling heavier like never before. Why am I being reminded of all the things I’ve been through? Is this how the world is mocking me? The whole world is probably laughing at me for wanting to forget the past instead of reflecting on it, how cowardly of me. …Or maybe it’s the world’s sign, telling me to face those memories head-on instead of running away from it. Should I really be doing that? Wouldn’t that hurt so much if I did so? But then again…would it put an end to all the relapses that occur to me? I hope so…

[amourdeleon07]

"What did I do wrong?" - A flash fiction

Two posts in a row?!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I'll be posting daily for a week and then ghost Tumblr until I have a new one finished because I already have a bit in store but I'm having author's block atm!! I hope you'll enjoy this just as much as my first one, and if you haven't seen it then go check it out!!!

Warning: MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!!!

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How many hours has it been? How many hours have passed ever since I've promised myself the slumber I crave and longed for? 

This is the umpteenth time where I sit at the edge of my bed, staring into nothingness as I drown in my thoughts. Ever since ‘that’ happened, I have been having trouble sleeping, 'I probably have insomnia' I chuckled to myself. The silence is deafening in my ears but it comforts me as I battle my own thoughts. 

Where did I go wrong? Why did that happen? Could I have been better? WHY didn't I expect THAT? WHY didn't I CONTROL IT? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? 

... 

‘Calm down, please.' How pathetic, I'm begging myself to calm down? Unbelievable. I bit my tongue, stopping the tears in my eyes before it fell. 

Gosh, it really is something else when you're forcing yourself not to cry, telling yourself that everything is okay when it isn't. This has to be one of the worst feelings mankind has to go through.

Can this please stop? I don't want this to continue anymore. I want to sleep, I'm tired but I'm wide awake, I don't feel like sleeping but I know I need it. But…

How do I even stop my own thoughts? How do I stop ‘that’ from playing in my head over and over and over again? 

... 

I have to stop myself from doing that, don't I? So, how do I stop myself? 

... 

What if I grab something sharp and... 

“stop” myself?...

Oh, my wrists look really pretty right now. It could use a few slits to make it even prettier, watching the blood seep through the open wound and drop unto the cold hard floor and…

No. 

What am I doing? Thinking of ending my life because of a minor inconvenience?

... 

I really need to stop, but this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like these or had similar situations like this. This isn't the first I've thought about cutting myself open and leaving myself to bleed. This certainly is the first time I stopped myself from doing so. New Achievement Unlocked! 

... 

Why am I like this? Is this why ‘that’ happened? I wouldn't be surprised if this is why that happened.

Sighing to myself, I got up and went to grab a glass of water, quenching my thirst. Placing the glass on top of the coaster, I once again stare into the abyss. 

What am I doing with my life? I'm a failure, aren't I? Will I ever do anything right? Will I ever make myself proud? Will I ever make ‘them’ proud?

Thinking about all of this makes my head throb. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I exhale deeply, trying to collect myself.

…

I can’t sleep like this. I feel restless. I want to sleep, I know I need sleep, but I just can’t. So do I just sit here and suffer alone with thousands of thoughts running through my head every second?

…

How many times do I have to spend my night like this? How many times do I have the same conversation with myself? I can’t let this continue. 

Something has to change. I have to change for the better. 

It has to.

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I'll be posting another one tomorrow!!! Stay tuned!!

[amourdeleon07]

"Escapism" - A flash fiction

Hii!! This is my first flash fiction I'll be posting on Tumblr!! Thank you for stopping to read my work, it means a lot hehe :3 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

I have always loved romance, but when I was given a chance to experience it, it never stuck around for long. I’ve loved someone but they only wanted me for their desires, I’ve loved someone but they left me, I’ve loved someone but the love wasn’t mutual, I’ve loved someone but it faded. After all the people I’ve loved, I’d always end up heartbroken, always left alone with nothing but a runny nose and a drenched pillow with my tears. 

In our modern society, I’ve always thought, ‘Is romance still alive? Is love nothing but desires and money?’, I honestly don’t know what’s considered what’s right and not anymore at this time and age. 

Recently, I’ve gotten into reading books, that mostly revolve around romance, my friend recommended me and I got hooked. I’ve honestly started reading because I was still heartbroken at that time, a fresh wound in my heart that pained me too much to the point I couldn’t even bring myself to properly do my daily routine, I just got out of a romantic relationship with someone…again…I needed a distraction to hide the pain so I started reading.

I read and read, drowning my sorrows in books, hoping it would go away, I probably already have a pile of romance books sitting somewhere in my apartment. I sighed as I closed the book I was just reading, and I felt my heart ache for the umpteenth time today. ‘I can’t believe I miss them…What am I doing? They left me for another…I should move on…’ I shake off my thoughts, messing with my hair in frustration. 

Why does love have to be complicated? Why does love seem so beautiful but hurts so bad? It’s like a rose…A beautiful flower but can hurt you with its thorns…Is love even for me? Am I supposed to fall in love and experience its beauty?... Is there even anyone who would love me for who I am without the influence of this twisted society?

I feel tears starting to form in my eyes, I try to cheer myself up, shaking off those deep thoughts… ‘I can’t cry again…I’ve shed too many tears already…I can’t afford to waste anymore…I’m practically wasting my own time…’. I got up from my seat, getting water to quench my thirst as I pulled out my phone, and started scrolling through social media, wanting to be updated with the world, even though it may be cruel and harsh, I still care about it. I scrolled and scrolled until I stopped, seeing one of my exes getting married, another newlywed couple, they found someone new…I stop and stare at the newlywed couple, feeling jealous as I immediately regret scrolling through social media.

‘Another happy couple…happily married huh…When is it my turn to have that? When will that be ever me with someone?... Why is everyone falling in love while I’m… falling behind?’ I sighed as I turned my phone off not wanting to go through it any further, placing it on the countertop as I sat and stared off into nothingness, reflecting on all the relationships I’ve been in. 

Am I too much? Too little? What am I lacking? Am I not good enough? 

This is so frustrating, how do people even do this?…

My eyes subconsciously diverted their attention to the book I’d been reading. I’ve read the book many times already yet I still always go back to it…I don’t know why, I can’t recall any reason that could explain why I keep going back to it. I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, not understanding why I kept reading it over and over again even though it’s not even one of my favorite books I’ve read. The plot is nice but it’s not my all-time favorite. Is it the characters?... I mean the characters are really interesting, especially the male protagonist… 

The male protagonist…I mean he is really sweet and a nice person in general, he would do anything to protect his loved ones, he’s kind of cute too…Wait…Him? Cute? He’s not real, I don’t even know what he looks like apart from the description given by the author yet…I find him cute?... Do I have a crush on him or something? I’m in disbelief, not believing that I have a crush on a fictional character.

I stood up and went to pick up the book, observing it. I couldn’t help but smile as I skimmed through the book as I stopped and realized…

I do like him… I do have a crush on a fictional character. 

As concerning as it may sound, I don’t mind. 

A fictional character can’t hurt me, it can’t reject me, abandon me, or even leave me. I don’t even have to worry about getting heartbroken by a fictional character because…it’s fictional…ouch. Is this who I am now? A person in love with a fictional character? Surely I’m not the only one…right? 

To be honest…this is better than getting hurt almost always. This is better than facing the harsh and cruel reality, it may sound like I’m a coward running away but I need a break from all these heartbreaks, and if it means falling in love with someone I can’t have then so be it. 

I’d rather be happy because of my delusions instead of moping around feeling so depressed because of reality.

Call me crazy, delusional, mentally ill, I don’t care. I’d rather escape reality through these books than be hurt by the harsh reality. We all have our ways of being happy and feeling loved, this is mine and if people don’t like it, so be it, that’s not going to stop me from doing what I want. 

“These books help me escape reality.”

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I hope you guys like what I wrote!! This was the very first flash fiction I wrote :D