#sorry for venting

[idiot-mushroom]

guys i just finished my first shift at my first job, could you guys congratulate me.

[dr-spectre]

RANT POST ABOUT CALLIE AHEAD!!!

I need to get some old and built up feelings out of my chest before i explode into a trillion pieces, if you do not wish to see a LONG rambling about me getting mad and rageful about this important character to me then by all means skip over and have a good rest of your day or night!

If you can handle me getting a bit pissed off and mean then keep on reading!!

This will also be a VERY LONG POST!!! Because I have a lot to rant about. Some of it i have talked about before many times but i need to talk about them... Again..

So anyways. If you wanna move on, that's okay, if you wanna stick around? That's all good as well!!! I highly HIGHLY encourage you to read all that I have to say. Okay? Thank you!

You know, as someone who has put in a lot of time and research into Hypno Callie and the others. What I've come to notice in media is that people tend to use the words mind control, brainwashing, hypnosis, influence, indoctrination, corruption, all interchangeably despite each word having vastly different meanings and connotations and effects.

Brainwashing has been used as an incorrect word to describe a lot of these kinds of plots in TV, movies, games, etc. and it really bugs me personally. Like, if you see something as clearly hypnosis, they explain that it is hypnosis and there is a hypnotic element at play here, you cannot just slap the word brainwashing onto it. It's like if I called a mango an apple you know? Or if I showed you a squid and you called it an octopus and you were REALLY adamant that it's an octopus.

Another example, if there's mind controlled zombies that are being controlled by aliens or something, slapping the word hypnotised or brainwashing onto that scenario is stupid because they clearly explained it in the story with evidence that it's straight up direct mind control and nothing else.

This doesn't just to apply to Splatoon btw, this annoyance goes for every other time a "mind control" plot has occurred in fiction.

I don't wanna sound rude here, I really don't! But guys, do you realise that we have this cool thing all across the world called a language? And languages have words in them!!!! And words have meanings in them that are brains understand and interpret!?

If I say the word "fluffy" what do you think of? "Fluff, fur, cute, huggable, adorable." You think of cute fluffy things, yeah?

If I say the word "hypnosis" what do you think of? A trance like state, a weird altered state of consciousness, maybe even a weird sleep/flow state?

If I say the word "brainwashed" what do you think of? Cults, militarily, experiments, evil, etc.

You guys see why I take issue? You guys see why I am extremely picky and laser focused on people's word choices when it comes to Callie and what happened? You guys see why I get really angry when people who do fuck tons of research into the events of Splatoon forget that languages exist and fail to see things past a fucking Wikipedia article?!? Is it seriously THAT hard for some people to say hypnotised?

I don't even necessarily blame most people for the words that they use, they don't know any better! And you know what? That's okay! I don't wanna get mad at SOME people since that word has been used incorrectly in media for a long ass time. And you wanna know another reason why i don't blame the casual fan or someone not in the know that much too? Because even the SPLATOON DEVELOPERS use brainwashing to describe Callie which is just... from my research and posts, incorrect.

I have yet to find a single person who can confidently explain to me that Callie was actually brainwashed and provide evidence to me to prove their points. Cause all I see is people just saying that "oh, a wiki and an artbook said so, so it must be true." Instead of looking at the actual game and looking at Hypno Callie's personality, behaviour, actions, etc. and comparing them to regular Callie.

Why do you think 99% of people call her Hypno Callie? Like there's a reason as to why her name is that in most circles... Have you ever talked to someone who calls her brainwashed Callie? Probably not...

God... I'm really sorry if i come off as some gatekeeping fan or elitist snob or some shit. I'm not trying to be and i don't wanna be like that. I wanna educate people, make people think of a different perspective and make people think a little more you know?

I'm just getting tired of it all... It affects how I see Hypno Callie and the events of Splatoon 2. I can't enjoy it when some people throw out these certain words, and it makes me feel so sad and terrible. And not in an engaging way, just a sadness that fucking stings my chest and I'm SO SICK OF IT!!!!!

I just despise this notion in the Splatoon community, Inkipedia, YouTube videos, social media and official sources that Callie was kidnapped out of the blue when she was alone and Octavio forced the shades onto her, brainwashing her and removing her memories. I hate it so much. It's something that truly fills me with great sadness and pain and pure anger. Callie is a comfort character of mine and to hear that scenario for her in official canon is just... no. I can't accept it. I refuse to accept such a vile and awful thing. It makes the Octarians more evil and way less sympathetic that way too, it makes DJ Octavio's eventual redemption make less sense because in one game he's this fucking monster and the next he's like "Hey guys imma help you out!" It makes his character incredibly inconsistent at that point.

it makes his appearance with Cuttlefish at the Grand Fest feel less satisfying because there this huge black spot on his character from Splatoon 2 where he apparently did something truly evil and unredeemable. Why would Cuttlefish be okay with standing next to a man who """kidnapped and brainwashed"""" his grand daughter?! I don't care about their history together, if i was Cuttlefish and I heard about that kind of event for my grand daughter, I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE OCTAVIO!!!

Hypnosis by nature is less evil and has more nuance and agency for Callie and the Octarians. Sure it's still fucking bad but not as extreme and dark as brainwashing is. The two terms are so vastly different and using either word willy-nilly is extremely annoying and frustrating to me.

Hypnosis ≠ brainwashing and you cannot prove to me otherwise. You literally cannot mind control someone with hypnosis, that's not how it works. They are so opposite of each other it's actually insane. I DON'T GET WHY PEOPLE USE THEM INTERCHANGEABLY ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!?! WHY?!?!!? Is it a lack of knowledge?!? Lack of caring?! Is it because of how hypnosis is portrayed?!?!

And the whole "Callie was kidnapped/abducted." My god... Do people understand what words are coming out of their fucking mouths?

Callie was more than willing to join the Octarians and she said to them "okay fine I'll hear you out." That is not KIDNAPPING!!!!!!!!!! THAT STATEMENT MADE BY CALLIE GOES AGAINST THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD!!!!

I don't know why they say this in some official sources either, i don't know why Inkipedia lists it on their pages. i don't know why fans keep wanting to push this idea that Callie was kidnapped, is it because an artbook said so and nothing in the game? I don't know why timeline explainers and people who do a fuck ton of research into Splatoon push it too. If Callie was kidnapped you figure she would mention it. But she doesn't!!!! Marie does and says she was brainwashed in the North American (NoA) localization, but of course she would think that and from her perspective she would figure that is the case from her limited knowledge of what happened to Callie.

God I just.... I hate it when people say Callie was brainwashed. I fucking despise it. It makes me so violently angry and upset and EVERYONE WHO HAS A LOUD VOICE IN THE COMMUNITY SAYS IT!!!

This doesn't even impact just Callie. It impacts the entirety of the Octarians as a species and DJ Octavio too. I LIKE DJ OCTAVIO!! I THINK HE WAS FUNNY IN SPLATOON 1! I like his role in Splatoon 3 and how he redeems himself and how he appeared in the Grand Festival with Cuttlefish. It ties back to before the Great Turf War when the Inklings and Octarians were on good terms and now finally that peace is back....

But this enjoyment... this appreciation of his character growth gets ruined because of the shit Nintendo did and what the fanbase did when Splatoon 2 rolled around... I can't enjoy Octavio as a character anymore because of the notion that Callie was brainwashed by him.

I can't look at his inkipedia page because IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH THEY SAY HE BRAINWASHED HER!!!!

And don't you EVEN MENTION the line "I remixed Callie's brain!" My brother in Christ, that is not only a call back to a line he said in the final boss of Splatoon 1, but it's also because DJ Octavio is a.. idk... DJ!!!! A DISC JOCKEY!!!! In the NoA version of Splatoon, Octavio's personality is very loud and in your face, compared to his more sinister and intense personality in the European and original Japanese versions. This serious personality was only given to Octavio finally in the NOA version of Splatoon 3 ROTM where his personality actually matches his Japanese and European versions from Splatoon 1 and 2.

Octavio says puns and musical terms to describe shit in the NoA versions of Splatoon 1 and 2. Remixing by definition is taking a song and altering it to make something new. What is Hypno Callie? A REMIX OF CALLIE!!!! It's Callie but she's more aggressive, emotional and impulsive. And you know where we've seen this remix of Callie before? IN SPLATOON 1!!!! IN THE SPLATFEST DIALOGUE!!!!

Octavio didn't literally mean that he "remixed her brain." via actual brain, washing. He just means that he gave Callie a new twist, and Callie in her hypnotic state was like "okay fine I'll hear you out."

Octavio hypnotising Callie who wanted to help the Octarians anyways out of her own free will, planting suggestions into her head that SHE HERSELF ACCEPTED AS DURING HYPNOSIS, SUGGESTIONS GIVEN CANNOT GO AGAINST THE PERSON'S MORALS AND IDEOLOGIES!!! So that Callie would be more likely to stay in Octo Canyon and not decide to suddenly run off as Callie was under a lot of mental distress and emotion from her busy and lonely life, and allowing Callie to put her influence onto Octo Canyon to help his people and boost motivation, fits more in line with Splatoon as a series and Octavio as a character than the whole "he brainwashed Callie" bullshit that has plagued the internet for 7 years and continuing. Why do you think Callie is so chill to see DJ Octavio come back in Splatoon 3 huh? Why do you think she misses shaven Octarians in ROTM? Why do you think she calls Octarians cute? Hmm... I WONDER WHY?!?!?!

Is Octavio still bad? Yes! Did he use Callie to benefit his people? YES!!!! Was Octavio being manipulative and selfish? FUCK YES!!! HE'S THE ANTAGONIST!!!! I AM NOT RESOLVING THAT MAN OF BLAME!!!! DONT GET MY WORDS TWISTED!!! HE'S STILL BAD! just not unredeemable... because once you say he brainwashed someone and forcefully removed Callie's memories like a pure evil monster, then you have a character who is pretty much unredeemable at that point. You have made him cross a line that he can't turn back from. You implanted these disgusting and disturbingly sexual suggestions about Octavio and Callie and her outfit. Why the FUCK do you want that? Why?! Why do you wanna even suggest the idea that Callie was forced to wear skimpy clothing against her consent and knowledge? Do you know how fucking DISGUSTING AND EVIL THAT IS?!?!?! FOR A SERIES SUCH AS SPLATOON?!?!?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA ON WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO FUCKING IMPLY HERE?!?!?!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?! GOD!!!! WHY DO YOU WANT THESE AWFUL THINGS DONE TO CALLIE AGAINST HER KNOWLEDGE AND CONSENT IN THE MAIN TIMELINE!!??!?!?!?!! For AUs I get it, it's your right as a fan to make fanfiction and explore darker topics. I personally won't read it but I won't EVER stop someone from making a darker AU. It has its place in the community and I 100% respect it with all of my heart. I truly respect those who make dark AUs and darker takes on Splatoon because I'm sure it's fun and interesting for some people. To each their own! I actually like hearing my friends talk about Fuzzy AUs and stuff like that, given the time and place, darker toned AUs are something that i find really interesting but I'm not super duper in love with them.

But don't you DARE put these disgusting and sexual undertones about Callie and the Octarians in the main canon. Fuck off. Don't you even try and suggest that the Octarians are this purely evil race that forced Callie into a revealing outfit while she was completely unaware and it was against her consent. And that they just grabbed her... god... Jesus Christ man. Fuck. I hate thinking about that so much dude.

This type of scenario that people push did NOT happen.

THIS DID!

I'm so angry. I'm so sorry for this giant humongous rant. I care a lot about Callie. I only want the best for her. I only want a more engaging and more in-depth take on Splatoon 2. I want to enjoy Tidal Rush, I want to enjoy Spicy Calamari Inkantation, I want to enjoy Fresh Start, I want to enjoy the Bomb Rush Blush remix like how i enjoy Unconscience by Marina Agitando. I want to enjoy Hypno Callie in general, BUT SOMETIMES I JUST CANT AND I GET SO SAD AND MY CHEST HURTS!!!! This has been going on FOR SOOO LONGGG!!

I keep making all these posts about Callie because I still see that kind of bullshit being thrown around. Imagine having a perspective on a character you really love and you try and hold on to it. But everyone else around is pushing that perspective down and you feel so sad and stupid and ridiculous... And so your only option left is to scream and bark and yell....

I am literally gonna keep ranting until I can see the word "brainwashed" in media without having a fucking heart attack. I wanna just be able to enjoy Callie's arc and see it for what it truly is...

A story about two cousins drifting apart... Callie becoming so popular and famous... and lonely... that she became so mentally distraught and overthought everything. She did something incredibly irrational. She went to Octavio and the Octarians. Octavio knows that Callie can be a huge help to him after his loss and so he enlisted her help. And she just said, "okay, fine."

She was given hypnotic shades by Octavio in order to keep her more under control as she was ridden with mental illness and could leave Octo Canyon at any point with her overthinking. But he did NOT put her under total control and brainwash her, he needed Callie's influence for the Octarians, to decorate bases and add her touch into their music. The Octarians became happy and more motivated then ever. He didn't need a drone to help him. He needed, CALLIE.

However... Callie, in the canyon, lost herself, she gave into bitterness, hatred, sadness, anger... She knows who she is, but her memory is so cloudy and muffled by emotion and the shades... She needs help... Proper. Help. You can hear it in the songs found within the Octo Canyon, her reversed vocals sound so sad and deeply emotional...

When Marie arrives, Callie is mad at her, she wants nothing to do with her. But when Marie shoots the shades off of her, Callie is still dazed, upset, emotional, sick, she dances and continues to sing back against Marie's desperate words and pleas... Marie only wants to repair their broken relationship and lend out a hand to her cousin who needs to see the light....

But, when that heavenly melody echoed in that stadium, it was like a rushing tide of memories and feelings flooded into Callie. All of her and Marie's time performing, hosting news, celebrating Splatfests, and arriving to Inkopolis for the first time, came back to her and dispelled the darkness in her heart.

Callie heard the melody and went "wait... This isn't me! What am i doing!? YEAH! I REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And well... The rest is history, the pair healed their relationship over the course of a few years and are stronger than ever.

They fulfilled their fresh start, they helped redeem an angry vengeful man from the past, they inspired the present with Off the Hook, and they planted the seeds for the future in Deep Cut.

and they won the Grand Festival... TOGETHER!

Well... At least that's MY interpretation on things ;). And i want my interpretation to be held strong in my head... I'm tired of getting chest pains man... I'm tired of feeling this sadness and pain... I'm tired of going on Inkipedia and seeing that FUCKING word. I'm tired of being scared to watch YouTube videos focusing on lore and the story of Splatoon because deep down i KNOW they will say that word that has such fucking horrible connotations and meaning behind it...

Anyways. I think I'm done. I think I'm just in a huge ranting mode and I had to get it out, my autism was really acting up and i wanted to vomit this stuff out of me. I hope you guys feel what I'm feeling and if you have a character who you feel similar towards, let me know! Let the anger out. Okay?

Have a Callie for sticking around and actually reading. You're amazing.

[ascendedrhyme]

I think Yugo's storyline is interesting. It starts as a typical hero's journey, but by Season 3, his decision to do the heroic and moral thing is challenged, especially with Oropo—the antagonist—being a victim of those choices. Season 4 pushes this idea further with Toross Mordal serving as an image of what Yugo must not become.

Then there’s The Great Wave comic, and I think I’ve reached my exhaustion point. I mean, it's only just beginning, so maybe I'm overreacting, and future events will prove me wrong, but still… This guy faces apocalypse-level events one after another and now he is blâme for all of it. What was he supposed to do?

Ogrest was always going to be a problem. The gods were never going to be able to defeat him, so another set of Dofus was always going to be the only solution.

Also, why does Yugo need to take responsibility for what his so-called "children" did? Does every case of unplanned parenthood come with full accountability for their children’s terrorist tendencies? And while we’re at it, why should he take responsibility for his goddess mother/sibling mess too?

I get that every character's reaction is realistic, and that’s good writing, but what exactly is the moral of the story supposed to be? That if the apocalypse comes, you should do nothing because your last-ditch solution might have caused it in the first place? Why did Alibert even bother with an inspirational speech, about him need to stop punishing himself? Sur let the rest world beating him down instead.

Yugo's storyline just gives me anxiety because, at best, it’s a coming-of-age story, and at worst, it’s a nihilistic twist on the hero’s journey, leading to his rise and downfall.

Audience expectations matter, so I expect a happy ending for both The Great Wave and Season 5. I assume The Great Wave will end with Yugo and Amalia coming together as leaders, uniting their peoples for whatever happens in Season 5. He’s definitely growing as a character, but I have yet to see any moral takeaway that doesn’t make me feel completely hopeless.

For as good as season 4 is I kinda miss when the show was also for kids, keep thing optimistic somewhat.

[tiredprincesz]

Omg I just found out that there is a fetish/bdsm party here in my city, and my boyfriend was like "eww no" aaaaaaaaaaaa please can i fucking die?? Arghhhhh

[mamimiou]

I’ve had a question for awhile but asking Twitter isn’t the right place without starting a big fight that ends with people insulting eachother so I kinda wanna ask it here, just to have an understanding.

Today there was a moment where BBH said Roier had a pretty smile, and Twitter took it the wrong way, saying that people only say Roier as a toy to ship with people. But this happens every time someone even flirts or says a comment towards Roier. They say people “don’t really understand his character” or just “use him for ships”. But that is not true.

I’ve seen a lot of tweets saying that people who ship things out of spiderbit/guapoduo are romanticizing infidelity because Roier and Cellbit are married to eachother. I’ll use one example, spiderduck, because that seems to be the biggest issue.

Spiderduck was a thing before spiderbit was, sometimes even Roier fed into it, they have kissed, they flirt. But a lot of spiderbit fans say “it’s all in their heads, that ship isn’t real” when they have had their moments. But I’ve seen a lot of spiderbit fans being chaosduo fans. Spiderbit clearly has more development, remember that Roier is in Quackitys list of important people and Cellbit is not, and it can also be said that they are romanticizing infidelity as well if you use their arguments.

Most of the ships like spiderduck, spiderhalo, etc, that Roier has were a thing before spiderbit even became a thing. Roier was and is a very flirty character. I’ve seen the excuse that “it’s the fandom that ruins it for me” but that’s such a lame excuse.

And it’s okay, I get it (?) sure! But the attacks only seem to appear when the person who is flirting or receiving compliments is ROIER. No one says anything when it is Cellbit. It is like wrong or something for Roier to even be shipped or even joke around with another character without this massive hate coming in.

No one said anything when Slime makes advancements toward Cellbit (which happens a lot) people even make jokes and say “watch out Roier” or shit like that. And that’s literally fine, but they get so defensive over Roier being the target.

Is it something that I am not seeing or understanding? I just think it’s very weird for there to be like this possessive behavior towards Roier.

Why is it okay if it is Cellbit and it’s not if it’s Roier?

Keep in mind that I do like spiderbit a lot, I can’t seem to ship anyone at all with either of them. It just stinks sometimes because people seem to get possessive over Roier, and before anyone says this isn’t true I have the weirdest tweet ever said about someone’s take on this. There was also a big tweet a few weeks ago where a bunch of spiderbit fans agreed that they could enjoy Cellbit with another person but they couldn’t do the same with Roier.

Can someone help me understand why this happens?

[coyote-kinz]

Warning for long vent:

Found my old YouTube from when I was like, ten. Take me back to being a dumb ten year old making Webkinz videos on YouTube that nobody watched...tossing my Webkinz around, playing in mud with my lps, making silly animations...just having fun without judgement. I wasn't worried about what people would think of me, I was just being myself.

That house in the videos got foreclosed on. I sold majority of the Webkinz in those videos. They'd be worth a FORTUNE now. I'll never get them back, I'll never get that account back. I feel like I unlocked memories that were trapped behind a wall of trauma...I wish things didn't change. I just want to go back. I literally don't function as an adult the way im supposed to. I just cant...I feel like I'm still that 10 year old but I'm trapped in a 24 year olds body. I just can't move past it. All I want to do is surround myself with nostalgia from my past. It was the happiest time of my life and I'll never get it back...all I do is attempt to relive it. Reliving the childhood I knew before it was shattered.

I never grew up. I feel like a fake adult. I try my best to act like an adult. I know I am one and I know my chronic illness and neurodivergency definitely play a role in my difficulty to do adult things like hold a job. But deep down all I want to do is be a kid again.

[eiightysixbaby]

wow i am really going through it rn and i’m trying so hard to not freak the absolute fuck out but every single day is testing my patience more and more

[sage-is-in-fact-very-tired]

"why are you upset?" because you've been arguing since right after we ate dinner and every time you've done this since that big one i just get to exist on the edge of a panic attack for however long yall argue for and that's simply not sustainable and maybe I just don't wanna deal with that and am upset about it

[biggie-chcese]

does anyone else ever fantasize about removing a limb that's causing chronic problems for you even though you know better than to think that and feel really awful for just wishing this limb was gone. am i crazy.

[jelliibeanz]

first trump, now Jake Paul? this is a bad month to run out of zoloft

[dark-falz]

break incoming next year, personal info below if you're curious but it's a book cause idk how to make it short and sweet I don't wanna think about it either I'm just tired word vomiting gives me less to think about sorry

I've been going through a lot and its been hard to find time to tell you guys. I'm struggling to keep this blog active until next year because with the content I have it shouldn't be that difficult but it is (and I'm very thankful for everyone who's been posting phantasy star content for me to queue!! I'm still sorting through everything still however -_-;)

Works been a bit intense for me, one of the employees who's been there since I started & also helped train me the past 3 years retired. I have 3 years dog grooming experience, I graduated schooling in 4 months, and I'm now training 2 other students who've been in school since....March.

I'm not being paid extra for this, no extra percentage on my comission or anything. Both of them call off once a week, which lands extra dogs on my schedule, meaning my stress level goes up for that day, since I'm not experienced to be faster than alotted times. I'm up to 5 day work weeks for the holiday season which drains my mental energy, I come home and I don't even stare at my phone, I spend my time bouncing between tasks I don't feel like doing and get distracted from with other tasks I don't wanna do. Focusing on anything, even playing PSO with my favorite person, takes an immense amount of will right now.

Sorry for the long post I've deleted posts like this to retype them out at least 3 times now because I'm indecisive on how to tell you guys??? Sorry for the book if it's too much information I don't wanna use the energy to be proper and professional for an upcoming hiatus post idk it's nothing serious I'm just tired I'm tired of not being able to clean my house I'm tired of my ADHD flaring up my body hurts from these 70# dogs I'm tired of forcing myself to take salt baths I'm tired and I'm sorry.

[dr-spectre]

God I hope 2025 is better for me mentally dude. 2023 was the worst period of my life and 2024 was just a little bit better. It felt like time flew by way too quickly and before I knew it, it's now the end of the year.

I am grateful for a lot of things such as being able to start a tumblr account and slowly grow a following. I never thought that would happen but I'm glad that I did do this.

However I still have needs to be met, needs that have been begging to be fulfilled for a LONGGGGGGGGGGG time but it seems like they won't ever get fulfilled... I won't say what it is because it's kinda pathetic. I don't know.

Im feeling so tired man, my sleep has gotten really bad, I feel bleh most of the time, I don't wanna do anything. Ugh. It SUCKS!

Anyways, here's hoping that 2025 is way better. I mean the Switch 2 is HOPEFULLY gonna release next year, so at least we got that.

[thr4shit]

Do you ever think of someone, just ever so slightly, and then tear off a chunk of your skin?

( CW for venting about our mother under the cut, I guess. )

I remember, when we were a teenager, and our mental health had become so shitty that we felt like we couldn't continue living. Where we were experiencing near constant mood swings, destructive highs, destructive lows, hallucinating far more than average, stuck in a numb, dissociative fugue, etc. I remember how it got so bad that I finally took a first step and I reached out for my own help. When I communicated to my therapist for the first time that I wanted to go to an IOP.

I remember how I discussed it with her and my mother in the same room. How when we got back in the car after that session, she immediately asked what brought it on. I told her the truth, that I was simply advocating because I felt like I needed it.

She told me she was proud of me for my self advocacy.

She told me she would look into the pricing, and if our insurance covered it. She also told me that they might see that I need MORE than an IOP, she tried to scare me out of asking. I told her I knew, I told her they could also tell me I need less than an IOP.

Days passed.

I asked her again if she'd checked the price or if our insurance covered it.

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I forgot, I'll call them in the morning after you get to school."

Weeks passed.

Months passed.

Nothing. She didn't even talk about it to me ever.

I remember telling my therapist how she never even brought it up, how she seemed to ignore it.

I remember thinking "Jesus Christ, I'm going to have to slit our wrists in front of her to get even a smidgen of care." But I remembered as I thought that, that she'd immediately deflect it.

That she'd blame the internet, my online friends, my in person friends, YouTube... anything except for the truth

That I was struggling and in pain.

I remember how she always says how proud she is when I mention that I'm seeking help. That I'm GETTING help.

But I don't think she's proud. I don't think she cares.

A mother that loves their child and wants them to get help doesn't blame their child's struggles on everything else except the fact that the child is indeed struggling.

A mother that wants their child to seek help doesn't tell them they can't possibly be experiencing something, and saying they adopted all of this from the internet.

A mother doesn't punish and ground their child for coping with the fact that she didn't listen to her own child's cries for help.

I wish we adopted all of this from the internet.

I wish we were just lying.

I wish we were "normal" like we desperately tried to pretend to be for her, for so long.

I wish she'd believed us or tried to understand us.

I hate that she never let us get help back then. When we really needed it.

That cycle of "oh I'm so proud that you're being true to yourself / seeking help!" and "you cant possibly be this! you're faking, you're copying it from the internet, you're just fine!"

That is what made us like this. So afraid and angry at everyone. Terrified of rejection to the point we reject others first.

So scared that we can't just exist, and so scared of anything meaningful that we still suffer in silence most days.

But what do you care? You're just a person on the other end of the screen right? Just like us.

Who's to say this is the truth? Who's to say that we haven't made this all up, that we got the idea for it for some attention-gathering reason?

That's what our mother would say.

And that's why I have a fresh bandage on my arm tonight.

[hoseoksluna]

i truly feel like i'm failing everything. life, writing, work. like everything's collapsing over my head and i'm too weak to stand up. im just sick of everything.

[phantonixx]

on the verge of being expelled from uni right in a couple of weeks before graduation. such a thrilling feeling

[is-the-fire-real]

So my in-laws are in town right now.

We aren't telling them about our conversion because, short version, they're bad people who would find ways to be astoundingly antisemitic and also make our conversion all about them in different ways.

But you'd THINK that we did tell them about it, because it honestly feels like they're deliberately going out of their way to a) insist that we eat every single meal with them and b) make sure every single meal is anti-kosher.

They put pork in vegetables that don't require any meat. They keep serving shellfish after I specifically requested no shellfish at any meal. Last night, their idea for dinner was shrimp for them and my wife, and for me? A pepperoni pizza. After they served callos for lunch.

Which, okay, they're kind of having fun eating foods in Spain they can't get in the USA, except both of them have gotten physically sick from all the meat and grease they're eating. They've both admitted that they leave meat out on the countertops to thaw and have NO IDEA why this might be making them sick.

Gazpacho and I have begged them for vegetarian meals, or meals with just eggs, meals with particular kinds of fish (which are kosher and are also ok for my incoming pregnancy) and nothing doing. It is so gross and so frustrating. Like I said, I know they don't know so they can't be doing it on purpose, but it sure feels like it is.