#i think about this frequently especially when i see posts about bpd

[emotargaryen]

having bipolar disorder is so interesting bc people treat it like a joke like its just an adjective to describe when someone's being a bitch and being manic is when you clean your room at 2am or dye your hair. yet so many symptoms and behaviors overlap with other mental illnesses its like getting hit with constant ricochets of hearing how much people hate having to deal with you and not taking it seriously but because they arent talking about bd specifically i feel like i have no right to be like... upset about it. or that if i say something then im taking the attention away from disorders that are "more stigmatized" or whatever since no one ever really talks about bipolar disorder. idk its just a weird space to be in sometimes

[sirgogington]

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation. 

    I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be. 

    Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

   Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person.  It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened. 

   I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better. 

   Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

   We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know. 

   For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

     The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume.  Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

[sillystringsimpsons]

Sorry if this is really broad, but what are some details about Legs in The Good Ones Au? Like I’m really interested in his relationship with Louie, and his BPD headcanon; as someone who suspects she has BPD, it’s really cool to see rep in characters, even if it’s a headcanon :D

PLEASE READ CONTENT AND TRIGGER WARNINGS IN TAGS.

this was a very high effort post, interactions are hugely appreciated <3

Awesome question!

In terms of Legs and Louie’s relationship, I have a Louie-focused fanfic I’m working on that really explores their relationship within the AU, so I won’t go into it. But I’d love to discuss his borderline personality disorder in a bit more depth!

To start, here's a vent sketch I made a few days ago that I feel is pretty relevant here.

[The full discussion of Legs' BPD is beneath the cut :>]

Before I get into this, I think it’s important to recognise that BPD is significantly more prevalent in people assigned female at birth, as well as typically presenting differently; despite this, however, the core traits of borderline remain, and neither sex struggles more or less than the other.

Also, BPD is a very complex disorder. In its nature, it is constantly shifting and changing; I live with discouraged borderline and even I struggle to put to words what my experience as a whole is like; some information here might seem a little contradictory, and some traits I discuss may seem more frontal to Legs' character than they actually are. At the end of the day, he really is just a guy living with a difficult and scary disorder, and I've done my best to capture and discuss that here.

AU LORE AROUND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH BPD

Maximus is not formally diagnosed with BPD, per se; at around age twenty-nine, following a severe depressive episode and a bender that was almost fatal (during which he also temporarily lost his position as caporegime), Louis essentially forced him to seek psychiatric help. Surprisingly, he opened up to the psychiatrist working his case - pretty much too emotionally exhausted from what he’d just been through to put up a fight - who immediately picked up on patterns in his behaviour indicative of borderline pd: instability in his relationships resultant of an intense fear of abandonment, frequent and drastic mood swings, a constantly shifting self-image, and most often mentioned by him, an ‘emptiness’ that he confessed to continually trying to overcome with substance abuse and other risky behaviours. In addition, he displayed a lot of archetypal traits of male borderline personality disorder, especially a penchant for sudden and explosive aggression. For a number of reasons, however (drifting away from therapy, the sex bias in BPD diagnosis, and him presenting some nonconvential traits for male BPD, such as high emotional awareness), he never really ended up progressing with a diagnosis past one or two preliminary screeners.

LEGS' BPD SUBTYPE

Self-destructive BPD, which is what Max has, is one of four commonly recognised subtypes of the disorder (the other three being discouraged (omg me!), impulsive, and petulant). These are generally quite loose groupings, not rigid classifiers: he obviously still has some traits from other subtypes (notably the perfectionism and withdrawal from close relationships exhibited in discouraged BPD), but I’ve classed him under self-destructive because of his strong internal self hatred that primarily manifests itself in self-destructive behaviours. Additionally, he is very adrenaline seeking: though he’s normally quiet and doesn’t appear to be much of a risk-taker, he’ll take subtle, calculated risks that often end him up in near-death situations. Max struggles with substance abuse (exhibiting functional alcoholism), as well as self-harm (often resorting to hitting himself until he bruises in private when he experiences any sort of intense emotional turmoil); both are borne of last-ditch attempts to ease the internal struggle he endures as a result of his personality disorder, and are also very characteristic of self-destructive BPD.

IS LOUIE LEGS' FP?

A favourite person, or an FP, is a phenomenon commonly observed in people with BPD: the relationship starts off healthy, but gradually grows toxic as the pwBPD becomes increasingly dependent on their FP and literally requires them and their attention to ensure their mood stays up. Without them, the pwBPD will often experience negative emotions so intense that they can even present themselves in suicidal ideations and threats. There is a lot of negativity online directed towards people with borderline from people who have been in relationships with them, because it is an extremely draining, and in extreme cases, traumatising experience to be a FP; this, however, is built on misunderstanding - it’s not a conscious action on the pwBPDs behalf, and with proper communication and boundary setting, it is very much possible to keep the relationship healthy and well-balanced. I just wanted to write this section to specify that Louis is NOT Maximus’ FP. Yes, their relationship is very often impacted negatively by his disorder, and Louie has been the subject of splitting (wherein a person with BPD characterises a person or event as either extremely good or extremely bad) more than enough times, but their relationship has never entered FP territory, and I don’t intend to write it as doing so. Legs has an almost big-brotherly role (symbolically, lol, as they have a really small age gap) and isn’t so much obsessed with Louie as he really cares about him and desires to look after and be there for him, which is essentially the opposite dynamic to the conventional pwBPD-FP relationship.

There's a lot more I could go into, but I think I'll keep it at this for now, and let any work I make featuring Legs speak for itself. If you have and specific questions, though, my asks and DMs are always open and I am a violent yapper; just shoot me a question and I'll be more than happy to elaborate.

[blazinginferno626]

BPD Devil head canon

Okay so i already brought this up in a post before about this headcanon and how it affects king dice’s and the devil’s relationship. But I thought I would go into more detail and show why I think that the devil might have bpd. First off are the symptoms for bpd:

First is the most obvious example is inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights. We all know at this point that the devil is a very angry guy who has obvious anger issues. 

Second is impulsive and risky behavior there have been moments in the show that show that the devil is impulsive and likes to chase thrills and acts before he thinks. like when he decided to shoot mugman and cuphead with his pitchfork in carnevil not really thinking about the chance that he could hit the tube that leads to his soul machine. Or trying to shoot a couple of kids could burn down everything around him. 

Third is Wide mood swings. This one is again one of the more obvious symptoms as the devil an be angry and nasty to happy and excitable at the drop of a hat. 

Fourth is Ongoing feelings of emptiness we’ve seen in the series that the devil can be bored rather easily and has even an episode where it was said that he had been in bed for days due to cuphead’s soul debt expiring. 

The fifth is more of a headcanon as I have already talked about in a previous post. A pattern of unstable relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t car enough or is cruel. Now I already made a post on why I thought that King Dice’s and the Devil’s relationship would be affected if the devil had bpd. But the gist of it is the way that King Dice is “the devil’s number one” despite the way the devil treats him, with some implications in roll the dice that this isn’t how he normally treats dice reminds me of how someone with bpd can split between love and hate between a person if their “fp” or favorite person upsets them.  Especially when you remember in the I believe it’s the Dutch dub instead of number one dice is the devil’s favorite. 

Personal headcanons: The devil has always been headcanoned to be a fallen angel and one of the biggest factors in someone developing bpd is abuse and neglect. And maybe this is just me but it often feels like in the show that it’s implied the devil’s searching for affection from others is a sign of emotional neglect. 

Those where all of the symptoms I could see the devil encompassing. This was fun to do, and I always love to share my theories/headcanons with you all. And  reminder to keep the #renewthecupheadshow trending. 

[iron-hearts-ablaze]

Karlach and cPTSD

The second of a two-part psychological deep-dive into Karlach.

Part 1: survivor's guilt

Part 2: c-PTSD

I will preface all this by stating I am not an expert in the field of Psychology, but I do however have a BSc Joint Honours in Psychology and Counselling, as well as a higher education certificate in Embedded Helping Skills (forms of therapy). I studied these conditions, as well has having first-hand accounts. I have access to, and use, papers accredited by the British Psychological Society as well my own copy of the DSM-5.

All of what I'm about to discuss is my own personal insight, it is not aimed to insult or diagnose anyone real in any way.

To start, what is complex post-traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD), and what is the difference between that, and PTSD? Both conditions share a lot of the same symptoms, but cPTSD sufferers have additional symptoms. However the main difference is length of time. PTSD can occur from a single event that causes enough fear and stress over a short length of time. cPTSD develops over multiple and repeated acts of trauma that expand over a longer length of time. It can also stem from a one-time event that lasted a longer time.

Note; cPTSD is a 'new' condition and isn't always acknowledged just yet. By new, I mean it hasn't been placed in such works as the DSM-5. However the DSM-5 does acknowledge a subsection of PTSD called 'dissociative PTSD' that encumbers a lot of cPTSD elements. So this may change in the future.

Secondary note; some experts suggest that cPTSD and BPD (borderline personality disorder) are similar enough to be under the same umbrella. However, BPD can occur without trauma whereas cPTSD is the result ONLY from experiencing trauma of some form. Hence, I do not deem it the same or similar condition and will not include any further assessments of Karlach having BPD. She doesn't fit the criteria.

This is why I deem Karlach to be closer to cPTSD, as her ten years in Avernus was not a short lived experience, nor was it without constant access to trauma.

So what are the symptoms of cPTSD, and how does Karlach relate/show them? First, a list, then I will go into detail. To state; one does not have to apply to every symptom, just enough to be deemed affected. So Karlach may not relate to all of these, but certainly most of them.

Hyper awareness of danger

Avoiding triggers

Flashbacks

Trouble staying in relationships

Difficulty regulating emotions - specifically anger

Frequent negative thoughts/emotions

Feelings of guilt/shame/survivors guilt

Hyper-awareness of danger

It's not really a stretch to say Karlach has this. As a soldier, especially in Avernus, she needed to always be aware of where the enemies were coming from. She always seems to be bracing herself for a fight as well. ie, when about to see the Inquisitor in the Creche.

Gale: "Perhaps he'll answer our questions."

Karlach: "We'll be lucky if he doesn't start off with a cheap shot, I think." - she is already preparing herself for someone to attack them. Her passive perception is also higher than average in DnD.

In her Origin, some camp sleep scenes show her withering around on her bedroll because her engine is getting hotter, mentally trying to keep herself going. Regularly repeating "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" as she starts thinking about Dammon being unable to fix her engine. Not wanting to think about what could happen if he can't.

Avoiding triggers

This one is more of her sticking her head in the sand about her condition. In all fairness, she doesn't really avoid triggers in the city ie Gortash - she doesn't have much choice. But she definitely gets more angry. Whenever her death is brought up by the player, she talks about it for a brief time before she tries to hide from it by moving the conversation away.

Karlach: "But I don't want to talk about this now."

It isn't until Act 3 does she start accepting her fate properly after her breakdown when Gortash is killed. (She made her choice in Act 2, but she often brings up wanting to keep on fighting for as long as possible - and killing Gortash is her main goal. Once that goal is gone her breakdown occurs. Most likely because she now has nothing else but to confront the fate she was given, making her angry.)

Player: "I haven't given up Karlach, we may still be able to fix your engine"

Karlach: "Maybe, but I think the Gods are trying to show me my fate. And I think I'm ready to look at it."

Flashbacks

This one isn't in the game. So I have no actual evidence of this. But I feel it's not a far stretch to think someone who has been in the Blood Wars for 10 years would have flashbacks on occasion. Especially as she gets closer to the city. She is also in more pain as the game goes on, this could mentally trigger flashbacks as a form of muscle memory. Her body remembers the pain, therefore would recall where this pain came from; Avernus. This is pure speculation, and just something I imagine for the character.

Trouble staying in relationships

As stated before, one doesn't have to fit all criteria to have a condition. I don't believe Karlach fits this symtom. She doesn't seem to have any issues maintaining friendships and a romantic relationship.

Difficulty regulating emotions

It really doesn't need saying that Karlach is an angry person in certain situations. She is very easily angered as well. Especially if it has anything to do with Gortash, Zariel (her tormentors who would consistently bring up her feelings relating to trauma) or if it involves people she cares for being hurt. She is quick to threaten those she doesn't agree with. During Act 1, fighting the Paladins of Tyr Zariel sends after her, Karlach has such an explosive episode she loses all control of her emotions entirely. Going on such a rage that she becomes incontrollable - by even the player in her Origin run - and there is little choice but to let her destroy the building. Only after 10 turns (that's 10 minutes in real time) does she start to calm down. During her breakdown after Gortash she goes from incredibly angry to incredibly upset without pause. She also shows signs of needing to be told to calm down, step back, back off by companions. Even in the romantic sense, as she can be told she's coming on too strong and the player wants to slow things down.

Player: "Let's take things slowly"

Karlach: "Slow...to tell you the truth, I often feel like I have two modes. Off and on-on-on! You might have to show me how 'slow' works."

She doesn't know how to be slow, has to be guided into taking calming breaths in her Act 1 romance scene. She needs help to regulate.

I personally believe Karlach was more of a Fighter before Avernus (before and whilst working for Gortash).

"I was a wild child, brawling through the city"

She never mentions killing anyone before the Wars. I believe the anger she felt after Gortash's treatment and the experimentation from Zariel caused her severe anger to best her, forming more of the Barbarian we know by the game.

Frequent negative thoughts/emotions

As stated before, Karlach Origin reveals internal thoughts she doesn't mention as a companion. Doubting her chances of survival is certainly a negative thought. Her breakdown reveals them in part in Act 3.

Karlach: "that's why I survived ten years of torment, the fighting, the clawing, the loneliness - the fucking loneliness! - all of it! So I can ROT!"

A natural negative emotion after everything she has been through and the hand she has been dealt. She does her very best to keep hiding away from these feelings and living as brightly as she can, so these thoughts/emotions aren't as prevalent as other cases, but it could certainly be said she has a strong façade even rivalling Astarion's to hide her true suffering.

How can she help herself? Well...it certainly won't be whilst she's still in Avernus. Pure speculation; but if she and whoever went with her survive the second round of Avernus, she will struggle. There will come a time where her mind has realised that she can finally STOP. She hasn't paused once in over a decade. Working for Gortash, 10 years in the Blood Wars, as soon as she's in Faerûn again - she has months worth of fighting, back to Avernus for who knows how long. It's highly likely she will hit the wall when it all becomes apparent just how much she's gone through. There are certainly things that can help her through this process; knowing the triggers (she should be fine here, she's pretty self-aware), confiding in someone, giving herself TIME (which is why I believe it'll hit her hard, she hasn't had this time yet).

Feelings of guilt/shame/survivors guilt

I spoke more about this one in particular HERE

I would have added more evidence, but this has been long enough already. I apologise for the length, it's just something I'm fascinated by. Hope, if you've gotten to this point, you've somewhat enjoyed my deep dive.

In conclusion;

It isn't really a stretch to say that Karlach could certainly be suffering with c-PTSD. An ex-soldier who went through many traumatic events would surely be a candidate. I have seen online people think she 'got over it' because she's 'happy'. Yes, she's away from her primary triggers (Avernus), and she attempts to cope as best as she can with her silver-lining mentality and clinging to hope for as long as possible. It is how she has survived as long as she has. But she is unwell. One can be struggling with a condition and still lead a good life.

[dovely-raincandy]

😬+🩹? :D

this post got long so i’ll put it under the cut lmao

😬 - Have you or your F/O ever said something to the other that you instantly regretted? If so, what was it?

choosing venti for this one!

both of us have definitely said things to each other that we regret ,, he gets drunk and i have bpd so sometimes things just… get messy. in regards to some particularly… difficult feelings i get frequently, he once said to me while drunk, “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t want to die.” and he instantly regretted it because. he knows it’s not that simple. it can be overwhelming for a (mostly) immortal god to have to think about his mortal lover dying someday, so i can see where he was coming from, but he still regretted it, and immediately started apologizing.

and on my side, i’ve definitely said things to him that i shouldn’t have. i think the one that i regretted the most immediately was when i said to him when i was having a particularly bad episode something along the lines of, “you don’t care about me, you don’t care about your people, all you care about is getting wasted in the fucking tavern.” and as soon as the words came out i was kinda just… oh. shit. that was a really horrible thing for me to say. especially because i know that isn’t true, even if in the moment it felt true. i brought him a big basket of fruit the next day, which i know doesn’t make up for it necessarily, but it made him happy. it was a start.

🩹 - Finally, despite everything, what is the reason you and F/O have always managed to patch things up and stick together?

childe for this one, for sure

childe is… rough. it’s never hard to love him, but it can be heard to be with him sometimes. it can be hard to watch him do awful things, it can be hard to watch him self destruct, it can be hard to remember that my boyfriend is a bad person, that no matter how much i love him, no matter how much he loves me, he is a bad person, and so am i.

but i couldn’t ever not love him. at the end of the day, he’s my everything. when i’m at my lowest, he’s always there to lift me up, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t ever do for me (and i know if i asked him to, he’d quit being a harbinger. i just… don’t know if i can ask that of him.) i know i’m safe with him. i know he loves me more than words can ever describe.

and for him, no matter how bad my episodes are, no matter what i say or do, he knows i’m always in his corner. i’m somebody he can come home to, somebody he knows that no matter how bad his day is, how awful his work is, no matter how much pain he’s in, i’m there. he can come home to me and he’ll never lose me. i’m the one person who knows what he is but doesn’t see him as a monster or a harbinger or a waste of time and space and life; i see him as a person and i want to love him no matter what.

thank you for the ask <33

[jojolovenotes]

To reply to your last post, I agree shshsjsh

My most “questionable” F/O choice in the eyes of many is Joshu and I frequently got teased by an old friend group for it

Not to mention most of JoJo Tiktok has Joshu stans in their DNI, which I get because I don’t excuse his actions but I’m allowed to love hims

Everyone acquires their F/Os for reasons personal and unique to them, and most of the time or at least in my case it’s to help cope and feel a sense of comfort. For example, I head canon Joshu as autistic and BPD, both of which are conditions I’m not diagnosed with but highly suspect I have. If anything Joshu is probably undiagnosed too shshsj. I see a bit of myself in him, and it genuinely hurts me to have people, even people I considered friends, call him ugly and pathetic, because he shares a lot in common with me at my core (I’m just better at masking my neurodivergency and my flaws).

I’ve done a lot of bad, pathetic things in my life, and for the longest time I thought there was no point in redeeming myself because I didn’t think I was worth it. I took the love and support my family and peers gave me for granted, and what’s ironic is I didn’t even think I deserved it.

I created Kafumi with the intention of giving Joshu someone who genuinely believed in him. And in turn, he helps Kafumi become a better version of her true self. See, Kafumi’s Stand Babooshka gives her the ability to transform into others via sealed letters. For a while, Kafumi’s goal was to get Yasuho to sign one of these letters so that she could transform into her in hopes that Joshu would finally be able to give and receive love. When Joshu finds out about this, he initially becomes angry. He doesn’t even know why he’s angry, because an opportunity to be with Yasuho *should* be what he wants, right?

He realizes he’s in love with Kafumi, and he wants her to be herself. Trying to be anyone else for love is stupid in his opinion. He rips up the letter and confesses these new and confusing feelings to Kafumi. He realizes that she’s one of very few people in his life that’s never given up on him.

I see myself in both Kafumi and Joshu, to be honest. I want something like what they have, and I realize now that I can be that for myself. And hey, guess what? I’m actually talking to someone irl, and I think it has the potential to become something really healthy and wholesome. If Joshu and Kafumi can find each other, then I can find someone, and I just might’ve! I’m taking this new potential love interest slowly and challenging myself to communicate better in hopes that something blossoms from this little spark I found :3

Uwaaaa this went way off topic to what my reply was supposed to be, but I guess I had the big ol gushies in my heart and had to let it free lolol. Thank you as always for providing a safe space for people to gush, it means the world to me and without a doubt many others! Hope this new year treats us all well, and here’s to memories and moments we’ll make with our F/Os along the way!

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you got teased for that. That’s exactly the thing though - when people see you like a certain character it’s like they’re quick to judge you for that without even getting to know you. I don’t get it. I think it’s perfectly OK to like a fictional character ESPECIALLY when you state you don’t condone their actions but to just automatically say ‘oh hey you like this character? don’t talk to me’ i just? i dont get it. Sure, I respect if some people are uncomfortable by a certain character, but even then it’s like ok well at least get to know the person before just blocking them. Like, you can just... not mention that character to that person or something.

But yeah, that’s good! Joshu is very happy to have Kafumi! Aw, that’s really lovely that you’re talking to someone IRL... I hope everything works out for you! but no worries haha... but yeah thank you! Hope the new year treats you well too! 

[couches]

plz don’t talk to me about this post

damn when was the last time i made a post. LMAO this shit looks bad on desktop holy fuck

just checking in. i’m doing bad.

i have a place i do my journaling but i don’t know why i wanted this post to go out to more than just the void. i feel like i’ve needed a win for like the past few months and i just have not gotten one. not to say nothing good is going on in my life because the same things that have always been going well (my relationship, my friends, my parents’ health, my job, my dog) are doing really well. my mental health has just been doing really terribly and it’s been so difficult to focus on the good. you may remember bpd as the adhd or autism of the 2010′s and ya girl is still eating shit daily. 

the holidays are always tough for me, and things somehow went worse than i expected this year. i’ve been really missing camille even though i see her more frequently than ever, it’s just been hard being this far into our relationship and comparing it to my friends who get to spend the holidays together or who have normal families who are accepting and excited about their child’s s/o. i always feel lonely during christmas but i felt even lonelier still feeling so far away from being able to spend holidays or any happy days with the person i love and who i’m spending the rest of my life with. it just really, really hurts sometimes. (all the time) 

i don’t even really want to talk about my brother being annoying because that’s just the status quo. he cussed at me when we were in the car and i actually had to breathe deeply because my anger was actually about to get out of control LOL. i just had to stay quiet and breathe. and then when i got home i just stayed in my room and cried. and then i was thinking about camille’s sisters and how horrible they are to her and it made me cry more. [putting this vaguely cuz i don’t wanna divulge her family info in my own post] i’m glad things are resolved for the sake of her peace but i still have so much anger in my heart about it and i think hearing about it on the same day where i already was feeling so angry and hurt and alone just made me even more upset. i just can’t believe it’s been a month of them (especially the younger one) ignoring her and acting like she’s a ghost in their house. she didn’t even look up to acknowledge me when i visited and that was enough to make me pissed off and i don’t even give a fuck because she’s not my sister so imagine how much it would hurt if she was. i just feel really disturbed by the whole thing and i don’t ever want to be in the same space as them again, still. 

i just couldn’t stop crying last night because i felt really frustrated about feeling anger and hatred LOL. believe it or not... i hate feeling that way! and i just feel really consumed by my anger these days. i feel like i used to be such a happy and forgiving and kind person and now i look in the mirror and i don’t even see that. i see someone who is bitter and angry all the time. i know it’s because i’ve become more passionate about injustice, personally and globally, but sometimes i just feel so tired. i feel like no one else shares my pain and i’m wrong. i feel crazy. even though my therapist always tells me i’m not and always tells me that how i feel makes sense. i just feel like i’m crazy and i’m screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. but then when people do hear me i feel like i have to minimize myself and what i’m feeling because i don’t want to share this burden. the burden of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!! 

i saw this quote that was saying like, is the real you the one who did that horrible thing, or the one who feels awful about the horrible thing you did? and i know that i am forever a compassionate person who can accept my mistakes and flaws and who knows that radical love and empathy is the key to growth and joy. but i just can’t stop being consumed by my feelings these days. i know i can’t help how i feel but i can help how i react. but god it’s so hard... 

i don’t mean this in a derogatory way toward myself, but it’s crazy that i’m 25 still making posts the same way i did when i was 15. just depressed, confused, hating myself, and on tumblr.

[starastrologyy]

Astrology Observations 🪶

Hi everyone, this is another compilation of random Astro observations!

I will be closing my chart readings at the end of August for a few weeks, as I do have a full-time job on top of doing Readings but for now they are still open 🤍 The link to my website is in my bio if you are interested in purchasing a reading.

Please do not repost any of my work on other social media platforms🤍

Having a Sagittarius Rising in a composite chart can suggest that the two people met abroad! Alternatively, there could be significant cultural or religious differences between the two. Sometimes it could just mean that these two enjoy traveling together, and other people see them as a very open-minded and free-spirited couple.

People who have Lilith (black moon) In the 3rd house often fear that people are talking about them, or creating false narratives about them.

People who have Uranus Retrograde in their charts might often feel like the “odd one out”. They may struggle to find their community, or place in the world. Alternatively, they may feel as if they don’t have control over the area of life in which their Uranus is situated in. For example, someone with Uranus Retrograde placed in their 10th house, may feel as if they cannot control their reputation, or they experience frequent/uncontrollable changes in their careers or career path. Their relationships with the Authority figures in their lives (bosses, fathers, mentors) are also very unpredictable and constantly changing. Remember that retrogrades in our charts, show us the area of life where we will constantly need to go back and revise/make the necessary changes in order for us to move forward.

TW:Mental Illness:

To be very honest I try shy away from associating astrological placements/aspects with certain illnesses or conditions. For two reasons, one, it can be harmful to people who have that placement, and two, its a very controversial topic in the astrological community, as some people believe that astrology cannot show any kind of illness (I am not one of those people). However, I will say I have seen two aspects in peoples charts that frequently have manifested as certain mental difficulties. A close conjunction between the Moon and Saturn can cause someone to feel melancholic, as it often manifests as Depression . Whereas, Mercury square Neptune is very common in the charts of people who have been diagnosed with BPD (an orb of 2 degrees or less). Please don’t make this apply to you if it doesn’t, and my intention isn’t to offend or upset anybody, I just thought it would be interesting to share this observation.

People who have their Saturn placed in the 5th house often struggle when it comes to “letting loose” and having fun. These people often need to work on healing their inner child, as they fear being judged and ridiculed by others. In some cases, they may have experienced rejection or harsh criticism from others at an early age. There’s also insecurities related to their ability to attract romantic partners with this placement.

Water mercuries often communicate from a place of emotion, and they often take criticism from others very personally. Not EVERY water mercury is going to be sensitive, but they tend to favor emotion/intuition over rationality and logic most of the time.

In synastry, having 2nd, 7th, 8th, or 11th house overlays with someone can be very beneficial to you financially. The 7th house more in a business sense, as you have the potential to enter into a business partnership with this person.

It’s not uncommon to adopt an entirely new aesthetic/make drastic changes to your personality during a 1st house profection year.

I’ve mentioned this in one of my very first posts but, Transit Pluto or Saturn squaring your Sun or Moon is one of the most difficult transits that you will face. I don’t think astrology should be used to fearmonger, but these transits are really difficult (especially if they are occurring simultaneously) . However, once it’s passed you will become an incredibly strong person, and you will find that you more equipped to deal with life’s challenges moving forward.

Major Jupiter transits occurring alongside positive Venus transits are likely to be a very good time in your life. For example, let’s say you have transit Jupiter making a conjunction to your Natal Moon, and it is making a trine to your natal Venus. This is likely to be a very positive time in your life, and you are inclined to be in good spirits. If transit Venus is also making positive aspects to your luminaries or other personal planets the affects of the positive Jupiter transits are likely to be magnified.

Saturn transiting your 1st house is often associated with weight loss, and I can confirm that weight-loss is very likely during this transit. But I will say, that it’s not always the result of a great exercise and diet regimen, some people feel very stressed or isolated during this transit and thus they may lose weight as a result.

In synastry, I’ve noticed that couples who have Hard aspects (squares, oppositions, conjunctions) to each other’s Venus and Mars, often have very steamy/active sex lives. This is especially true with Mars opposite Mars, Venus square Mars, and Mars square Mars.

Sagittarius Venus & Mars individuals are very experimental when it comes to sex. These people are quite open-minded and they bore very easily in relationships. So, they tend to gravitate towards friends with benefits or relationships with people who are also open-minded. This doesn’t mean they can’t be monogamous, because most of them are, contrary to popular belief. They just need adventure and fun in their relationships.

Couples who have significant 3H synastry are usually vocal with each other about sex. They often discuss what they like or don’t like ahead of time. Alternatively, this can also show a couple who enjoy talking DURING sex!

[lawlightbrainrot]

omg maybe you don't have any more but if you do PLS share more thoughts on Misa having BPD. the way you've just opened my eyes...

YES YES OFC I WILL <3

i'll start off with long term feelings of emptiness: there's no exact evidence which explicitly states she feels empty as far as i remember, but in my opinion i can definitely see her experiencing this. considering with how she has lots of trauma (such as her parents dying) it couldve easily lead to feelings of emptiness, especially considering how much it affected her.

i think that because of her most likely feeling nothing after it happened and then finding out kira killed her parents murderer and being so desperate to meet him, she thought meeting kira would fill that emptiness and make her feel something.

so in other words, because of this, she now has this idealized version of light in her head. this idealized version of him doesn't disappear anytime soon as she quickly forms a close attachment to him, making him her fp (favourite person.)

in terms of bpd, a favourite person is someone you idealize and have a big attachment to. when someone with bpd has a favourite person, they are pretty much dependent on that person, and that person's behaviour impacts on how the person with bpd see's themselves and their self worth. their emotions change depending on how often they get to see or talk to their favourite person.

favourite person attachments can be healthy or unhealthy, and in misa's case her attachment to light is definitely unhealthy and is classed as an unstable relationship (which is also another symptom.)

the attachment you have with your favourite person causes you to develop a fear of abandonment (i also think misa's fear of abandonment partly stems off her parents death, and not wanting more people to leave her life because then she'll feel empty again.)

signs of fear of abandonment might include:

constantly texting/phoning a person (and getting upset when you feel like you might not have a chance to talk to them.)

physically clinging onto that person and never letting go:

making threats to harm or kill yourself if you feel like that person will leave you: (while this isn't exactly a threat about herself and more towards other people, it's still very clear it was said out of impulse due to her fear of abandonment.)

impulsive behaviour/acting on impulsive:(impulsive behaviour is not thinking properly before you act, or simply just not thinking at all.) this might be either showing suicidal behaviour or threats, or an urge to engage in dangerous activities.

the only suicidal behaviour i could remember (other than her death) was this scene.

and the only scenario where i could find her impulsively engaging in dangerous activities would be her dinner with kiyomi, where she drinks a lot of alcohol.

she also has lots of mood swings where she switches from happy to sad constantly and has frequent outbursts of (intense) anger! so long post short, misa amane has bpd

[lild3m0nnn-bpd]

✨Signs and Symptoms of BPD✨

🛑Trigger warning: violence, abuse, self harm, eating disorder, suicide.🛑

✨Disclaimer: most psychiatrists require at least 5 of the 9 following symptoms. It's important to remember that these symptoms show up differently in everyone, and not everyone is going to show the same symptoms. There are also other symptoms that aren't listed in the "most common". If you're feeling like you relate to a lot of the following information, please seek professional help. The information below is from handouts I received from my psychiatrists. If you have other good resources, please feel free to add to this post.✨

Fear of Abandonment

Strong fear of being left behind, alone, or abandoned.

Real or imagined.

Extreme measure to avoid possible separation or rejection.

Beg, cling, start fights, jealously track your loved ones movements, or even physically block someone from leaving.

These behaviors often cause the fear to come true, and people leave. Some would call this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Frantic efforts to keep the other person close.

I struggle with this. I have a huge fear of abandonment. Being left was something that was always threatened to me when I was in abusive relationships. It's become something that is extremely hard to control. I have definitely had moment where I had frantic efforts to keep someone from leaving. I've definitely gone to extremes, some of which will be talked about further in this post. Because I have such a strong fear of this, I try to make people want to leave because I expect it to happen at some point anyway. At this point I end up lashing out in very unhealthy ways.

Something I want to touch on separately, is the discussion I consistently see about people using suicide as a threat and how manipulative it is. I don't want anyone to think I'm condoning this behavior, but I want to be a safe place to say that I understand because I have done this myself. No, I'm not proud of it. It was during some of the worst moments of my life. The most extreme measure I'd go to, to make sure I wasn't abandoned. I don't want to normalize this or say that it isn't manipulative because it is. There is no way around that. But, it is a reality of BPD. Later in this post, I discuss feeling like I lose control of myself and my body. Well, my mouth is part of that. I feel like I can't always control the things that I say, and some of them are so horrible and I'm so hard on myself once I've come down from those irrationalities. If this is something you're struggling with, just do your best to work on it. Or seek professional help.

Unstable Relationships

Maintaining healthy relationships very challenging.

Individual tends to be quite needy, intense, and mistrusting.

Not only with romantic partners, but also friends and family.

Black and white way of thinking about people, A.K.A. "all good" or "all bad".

Frequently shifting attitudes towards others that range from idealization to devaluation.

Relationships are either perfect or horrible.

You may "fall in love quickly", believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed.

It's hard for me to look back on the past 15 years of my life, and be able to pick out one stable relationship I've had. I honestly don't think I can. Both of my longterm abusive relationships were very unstable. They were very off and on, and one-sided. I was always at the mercy of the other person, especially with my people pleasing tendencies. Once I start to see someone negatively, everything just spirals and the entire relationship becomes filled with hate on my end. It always bounced back and forth between loving them endlessly, and hating them endlessly. It took a huge toll on me mentally.

Unstable or Shifting Self Image

Identity disturbances.

Sometimes feel good about themselves, but other times feel hatred towards themselves.

Self image can change depending on whom the person is with, often copying the action and behavior of others.

Ability to be independent and autonomous is very impaired.

Constantly shifting ideas of who they are or what they want in life.

Can result in frequent changes to jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.

I have a huge problem with imposter syndrome. It feels like no matter what I do, I don't belong and I'm just pretending to be whatever it is at the time. This causes a lot of the feelings of emptiness that I have. I always feel like my personality isn't my own, that I'm mimicking or impersonating someone around me, or even someone from a TV show or movie. I see myself behaving differently around different people, like they see different personas of me that I've created for specific situations and groups of people. I feel like its very hard for me to find places I belong. I struggle with knowing who I really am.

Impulsive, Self Destructive Behaviors

Gambling, spending sprees, shoplifting, or sabotaging success by suddenly quitting a good job or ending a positive relationship.

May even put the individual in danger.

Reckless driving, practicing unsafe sex, abusing drugs or alcohol, or binge eating.

Engaging in these activities may help them feel better in the moment, but do more harm than good in the long run.

I struggle with drugs and alcohol. Something I personally know about myself is that I have a very addictive personality, but it's something I've hidden from everyone around me. I've disguised it as kind of being the "party girl". Or just having fun. It can be a very self destructive behavior for me. I also self isolate a LOT. I remove myself from situations that I simply don't want to be a part of. I cut people off very easily. I simply stop responding to messages, stop going on social media, just breaking off contact with the outside world. That way I feel like people won't have to worry about me and I won't be a burden.

Self Harm and Suicidal Ideations

75% of people with BPD self harm one or more times.

Cutting, burning, or an "overdose that can bring relief from intense emotional pain".

Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt.

Self harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent.

For a very long time, self harm was something I struggled with (I'm almost 5 months clean from it!) It was off and on for the past 12ish years. It just became a release for me, but it also felt like something I could actually be in control of. As weird as that sounds. I didn't feel like I was in control of my own life, so I could be in control of my physical pain. I do have a few suicide attempts (3 attempts, 4 hospitalizations), and those were some of my lowest moments in life. If you're ever feeling this way, please seek help!

Extreme Emotional Swings

Emotional volatility, with intense mood swings that range from happiness one moment to despair the next.

Can be triggered by things that others would simply brush off or not even notice.

The moods tend to pass fairly quickly, typically only lasting a few minutes or hours, unlike swings of depression or bipolar.

I was first diagnosed with bipolar because I didn't know how to express my emotions to my psychiatrist. I was very shy and outspoken, so my psych would list of symptoms and I would simply say yes or no, without being able to express myself. If you think this is something you struggle with, I would suggest taking some time to study your feelings and emotions, even journal about it, so you can better express yourself. Even if you diagnosis is not BPD, this will help you get to a diagnosis and further help, much faster.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

A hole or void inside them.

Individuals may feel as if they are "nothing" or "nobody".

Because this feels so uncomfortable, they may "try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex."

These things only offer temporary relief, but nothing makes it go away.

This goes back to the imposter syndrome. I feel like nobody. I'm not sure where I fit in. Sometimes it gets so bad that I resort to drugs and alcohol just to feel something other than the emptiness.

Explosive Anger

Often triggered, but describes as "exaggerated or disproportional to an event".

Frequently losing temper, being sarcastic, having physical fights.

Most noticeable when directed outwards, but people with BPD spend a lot of time being angry at themselves.

Throwing things, breaking property (personal or not), yelling, or becoming completely consumed by rage.

Anger is definitely something I struggle with. I find myself getting irrationally angry at things that make absolutely no sense. And within relationships, once I get angry, everything spirals. I'm the type that yells, breaks things, and lashes out. During previous abusive situations, I learned to fight simply as a way to defend myself, but now I find myself lashing out and being the one to hit first. It was something that was engrained into my brain. A fight response that now makes me the aggressor. I destroy things I know are important on purpose to get a reaction from the other person. The entire time its happening, I don't want it too. But, it feels like I literally lose control of my body. No matter how many times I tell myself in my head "don't hit them", "don't throw that", "don't break that". It doesn't matter. And because of this, once I come down from the explosive anger, I spend days and days being upset and angry with myself. Overthinking every tiny little thing that I should have done differently.

Feeling Suspicious or Out of Touch with Reality

Suspicious thoughts about others motives.

Struggle to trust others.

Episodes of paranoid thinking can range from mild and temporary to severe and chronic.

When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality, an experience known and dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you're outside your own body.

I have an extremely hard time making new friends because I'm always questioning peoples motives. I have a very hard time trusting anyone. I think this is partly the fault of some of the situations I've been through, which would be too much to describe in this post right now, but even before I always convinced myself that people were only associating with me for their own gain. Whatever that was. I also struggle tremendously with dissociation. Day to day, it something that I've just trained my brain to do. I was yelled at so much in my previous relationships that it just became a habit. It helped me escape from the reality that I didn't want to be a part of.

I'd like to note that at this point in my life, I'm in a very healthy relationship with someone who takes amazing care of me. I'm still unlearning a lot of toxic traits and behaviors, and I still get very upset with myself for how I treat my partner sometimes, but I'm working on things and I know I'm in a safe environment. I hope this post helps someone on their journey to healing and learning about themselves. Also, this is my first post like this and I want to do more, so please don't be to hard on me! If you have anything to add, or any constructive criticism, or want to start a discussion please don't be scared too! But be respectful about it!

[cum-villain]

its 4 am and im powered by pure "omg this guy has my mental illness" energy so. Time for you fuckers to learn how Dimitri actually has bpd.

Just like in my bpd adam essay, the list of symptoms is pulled from here. If this post intrigues you I highly encourage you to do your own research! The link above is a good place to start, and I'd be happy to explain anything you don't understand.

In order to have Borderline Personality Disorder, you only need 5 out of 9 possible symptoms.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

~I don't think he displays this symptom, however I would not be surprised if he did.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

~During the first part of Azure Moon he goes from caring about his friends to being deeply suspicious about their loyalties at the drop of a dime. His shift from caring deeply about his step-sister to wanting to kill her himself also shows this. This could instead be suspicion/disconnect from reality, but many symptoms influence each other, so it's worth mentioning.

Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

~He's the one to get revenge for his family, a hero. He's a horrible monster who kills without thinking. He's a good person who knows killing is wrong. He's a bad person who didn't deserve to be the sole survivor. Who is he? He doesn't know.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

~He is willing to kill Edelgard at all costs, even his own life, as long as he gets to watch her bleed out first. He charges ahead without any concern for himself.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

~When Randolph's sister (I cannot remember her name) is about to stab him, he see he's almost smiling. He's accepting his fate. When the head of house Fraldarius takes the knife for him, he's shocked. This is likely related to his view of himself as a monster, but still worth mentioning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

~He goes from caring about his stepsister to the point people who don't know think he has a crush on her, then wanting to have her decapitated head displayed in the Empire capital. Normal and talking about how people who kill without feeling make him sick to wanting a gruesome death for the perpetrators of the Remire Calamity. Granted, these mood shifts are directly related to him being triggered about the Tragedy of Duscur, so it's likely not a symptom, but it's a possibility.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

~This one is only a possibility, but it makes so much sense too. After the Tragedy of Duscur, he misses his family so much its like he loses himself, all he feels is the loss for years.

Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

~Ohhh if Azure Moon doesn't show this over and over.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

~The ENTIRE thing about ghosts clearly shows he has a poor relationship with reality. Additionally, in the first part of Azure Moon he becomes easily suspicious of anyone who suggests not killing Edelgard when possible (even though the chances would be so low it was more like impossible).

He shows at least 5 symptoms, and very possibly 8. Thus, he's extremely likely to have Borderline.

Other observations

I would go so far as to say that BPD had been developing in him since the Tragedy of Duscur. It's very common for people with pre-bpd who don't get a support system (either through circumstances or their own refusal to accept help) to mask and mask until they end up with the fully fledged disorder. I'd say the scene "Loathing" is when I can most strongly pinpoint when he really has the full disorder.

I'd like to say that this is NOT saying that people with Borderline are all violent or dangerous. That is extremely untrue. However, it is a disorder that causes rage and disconnect, so if the person doesn't properly rein themselves in, or sees no reason to, violent oubursts do happen.

Additionally, BPD can cause psychosis. With Dimitri's delusions that the ghosts want him to avenge them, he certainly does experience this. However, it's critical to know the roots of this belief. He's not angry because he's psychotic, he's psychotic because he's angry, and it only feeds that anger.

[toflyandfall]

I just saw a photo of "What persona. Dick Grayson isn't a mask. Not like Bruce Wayne is" from Detective Comics #725 and I find it interesting that Dick and the rest of the bats, with the exception of Bruce, don't wear "masks" per se. They are who they are with or without the domino mask/helmet. The only time I can really think of Dick faking things is when he pretended to be an incompetent BPD cop. How was he able to avoid creating and living, half the time, through a "persona" like "Brucie"?

Oooh, this is a lovely, meaty question.  There’s a lot more analysis of Bruce than I planned because let’s be real, it’s kinda weirder for a guy to run around with half a dozen personas than for someone else to run around as himself.  I hope you still find it interesting, but if you want to skip straight to the more Dick-centric stuff, head under the readmore.

A simple but significant factor is that Dick thrives on the company of people in a way that Bruce does not.  I suspect if you talk honestly to many introverts, you will find they too have an extroverted ‘mask’ they put on to the larger world, though probably not quite so extreme.

Another factor is that the civilian social circles Dick and Bruce travel in are vastly different.  Though they each have a reason for being in those circles, that difference itself enables Dick to escape much of the scrutiny that Bruce’s public identity undergoes, because he doesn’t frequently associate with the much more media-hounded elite.

An interesting thing here is that the large difference in social circles between their civilian lives is actually caused by their own personal similarities: they are 100% committed work-a-holics.  It’s just that they have differing civilian approaches to their goals.

I want to start with Bruce because as you point out, his use of persona is distinct among the bats and his reasons for using them in part explain why Dick and the other bats do not.

Bruce is a child of privilege, he has always lived a lifestyle of privilege, regardless of the tragedies that have occurred during it, and his default view of the world, through no fault of his own, is natively that of the extreme upper class.  This drastically influences his perspective and approach to change, and changing the world is his perpetual goal, the reason he put on the suit in the first place.

Bruce works a top-down society approach toward systemic change, and he works it all the time.  This is actually my favorite but woefully under-emphasized part of him: he is not just someone who punches people on the street ‘for justice’, he uses his company, his money, and his social position toward substantial systemic change. This post does a wonderful job covering the ways he does this through his corporations and personal wealth, as does this one.  I cannot recommend either enough because I constantly want to push even the most casual Batman fans to understand: Bruce Wayne is not just a violent punchy puncher man.  He is a traumatized person genuinely trying to use all his resources including himself to make the world safer.

Detective Comics #725

Bruce has many personas he maintains, and he uses all of them according to what suits his need--Batman for places the law can’t go, Bruce Wayne the CEO pushing for systemic changes, Matches Malone for street information, and Brucie the society high roller for society information and social influencing.  He is rarely ever not in a persona and simply ‘Bruce’.

His top-down perspective of enacting change are what dictated the usage and necessity of these personas. He has the means and capacity to basically disappear from society if he so chose--he in fact does so to train during his younger years so successfully they don’t even know how long he was actually gone. 

The Batman Files

So he doesn’t need the personas.  Not Bruce Wayne, CEO, or Brucie, or any of them really, to protect his identity.  That tells us that Brucie is a deliberate choice he made at some point.  He could have been a recluse billionaire Batman indefinitely.  Even though he fully has the status and means to not maintain a job or a persona or, let’s be frank, a life outside the mask at all, it’s his own work-a-holicness that led to the creation of his public personas.  He’s an obsessive strategist, so if Brucie is a choice, that leads us to why?

Bruce does many philanthropic things with his money, but he isn’t the only rich person around, especially not in a city as old and corrupt as Gotham.   But he’s one of the very few ones doing good with it.

The comic you mentioned has a very beautiful moment where Bruce touches on that, and in full context you can feel how consumed he is by this goal of creating the Gotham his parents would have wanted.  Batman mentions he never sees himself in that place, and the morbid interpretation is that the city kills him before he reaches it, but the hopeful interpretation is that in that shining city, Bruce Wayne and Batman and Brucie and all his masks will no longer be needed.

Detective Comics #725

Back in the old days they’d call it noblesse oblige: the inferred responsibility of privileged people to act with generosity and nobility toward those less privileged. Thomas and Martha Wayne ingrained this feeling of responsibility into Bruce by example, and as all things related to them, he obsesses over it.  It urges him to fulfill expectations within segments of society he finds onorous for the betterment of society as a whole in order to carry out their unfinished works.

Enter Brucie.

Brucie serves a two-fold purpose.  Since Bruce has chosen to maintain personas among society, it becomes a false face to justify any oddities Batman might bring into the life of Bruce Wayne by setting himself up as a eccentric, popular social scion.  But that persona itself also allows him to manipulate the upper crust of society.

I have some insider perspective on the kind of society events Brucie attends.  They’re all about the who’s who of making connections, name-dropping and networking, and unspoken class-based elitism.  Charity events among the upper class have these things at the forefront and the cause is the background.  You don’t get your hands dirty, you don’t go out and make change yourself, you pay money to be socially seen and sometimes it happens to go towards a philanthropic cause.  If you want to raise money from the rich and keep people with deep pockets coming in the door, you have to have social currency yourself. This is where, and why, Brucie comes in.  I believe Brucie ws crafted to maintain Batman’s cover but still attempt to carry on his parents’ legacy to grease the wheels of the rich in the directions he chooses: one of generosity towards those less privileged. 

Superman/Batman #51

The inevitable flaw of Bruce’s approach to his personas and their philanthropy is that in a city rife with corruption, money distributed from the top has many opportunities to disappear well before it reaches the bottom.  As in many of ways they are complements to each other, Dick’s approach balances that out, because his approach to helping his fellow man starts out at the street level...literally.

Nightwing #153 (Nightwing: The Great Leap)

Dick, we know, does not come from privilege.  His mother was from a middle class family before she joined the circus, and despite being world famous athletes, most circus workers are lower to middle class.  The people he grew up with, was comfortable with, were all working folk who expected everyone to pull their weight right alongside each other.  He enacts this everyone-together approach in almost all aspects and phases of his life. 

Batman #615

Even once he had settled into being Robin and adapted to living at the manor, he didn’t feel belonging to a culture of privilege, materialism, or high society. He preferred shotgun in the limo to chat with the driver to riding fancy in the back.  Once he was able to start making his own decisions about where and how he lived, despite having both Bruce’s money and then later inheriting a substantial amount of his own, he chose mostly lower-class communal places.

Batman Black and White #6

Dick also doesn’t see the value of throwing money at a problem when there is an option to fix it with his own hands.  We see this frequently, from building his own car instead of buying a finished one or outsourcing the work, to deciding the best way to clean out the BPD was to start at the bottom and work his way up (literally), to quitting college because his classes never got prioritized over crimesolving.  Most of his day jobs ended for similar reasons. 

Nightwing #153 (Nightwing: The Great Leap)

Despite the showmanship training, he gravitates away from spotlight on the rich and wealthy, who are notoriously the kind of people who do not get their hands dirty or go out and take care of things themselves, and prefers to find or build communities around the kind of people who do.

Finally, Dick is an extrovert.  He doesn’t need to act extroverted as Brucie does because he is extroverted.  He likes people and likes being around people.  Whether by conscious choice or not, he tends to put himself in situations where he is surrounded by people in nearly all aspects of his life.  He chooses apartment buildings whose occupants frequently pass each other on the stairs; jobs that involve interacting with many co-workers, patrons, or students; and collects superhero teammates like Boy Scout badges.  And all of these behaviors come very naturally to him.  

He doesn’t need a mask or a role or a persona for those kind of interactions; his mask is pre-supplied as “neighbor” or “co-worker” or “teacher” by the situations he puts himself in.  It helps make him an exemplary leader, because just by acting authentically to himself, he automatically builds up little communities around him any time he arrives somewhere.

Bruce, on the other hand, is an introvert.  For him, interacting with people isn’t easy, automatic, or comfortable unless it has a purpose, but as a strategist, he knows the necessity of human interaction as a catalyst to achieving dynamic change. So he adapts personas to suit people’s expectations.  Extroverts have more social currency; the life of the party can generate more resources than a brooding wallflower.  

So, it boils down to just a few elements: Dick believes in living and interacting at the street level to accomplish the things that he wants to, and he is extroverted enough that the level of social interaction that entails is not a burden to him.  He surrounds himself with the types of people he is more familiar or perhaps more comfortable with, which happens to keep him further out from the media’s eye than associating with the upper crust does. The lower profile is more incidental than intentional, but it lessens his need to have a cover story for every single bruise and lets him get away with even less of a ‘persona’.

Bruce, on the other hand, is introverted and follows a more classist view that systemic change needs to be effected from the top down.   His personas are more of a self-assumed duty than a necessity, as a way of trying to carry out his parents’ legacy.  Any of his children could have chosen to follow his path in business or the high society limelight, but the sense of obligation toward it is something personal to him that most of them don’t share.

[nagichi-boop]

Miya Chinen - BPD Headcanons

Back at it again with the mental illness headcanons. Originally I was gonna do NPD Miya headcanons but then I also realised that Miya displays a few BPD symptoms, so I thought I’d explore that first since I am more familiar with BPD than I am with NPD.

Disclaimer: I am aware that personality disorders like bpd are diagnosed later in life. This theory is more just a casual exploration of the bpd traits Miya displays.

Spoilers ahead

Also, if Ad*m is a trigger for you, maybe skip this one because his name will come up quite a lot in this post and I will not be censoring his name for the remainder of this post.

Without further ado, here’s the headcanons!

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

When Miya’s old friends rejected him, he was deeply hurt. From then on he pushes everyone away, instead viewing friendship as a burden more than a blessing, perhaps out of a fear of being abandoned again. When he sees Reki and Langa, he is confused as to why he is suddenly reminded of his past, but my assumption is that he was secretly jealous of what they had as he was alone. Then when Reki stood up to Adam, suddenly his world changed. He started to associate with Reki and Langa more and more, him being especially interested in Reki. He went from considering Reki as inferior to being genuinely concerned about him (more on that in a bit).

Later on though, Reki goes missing and Miya begins to act somewhat cold to others (such as Langa). When he eventually sees Reki, he is deeply upset that he stopped showing up without saying anything. Despite his hurt, Miya tried to put it behind him, instead asking him to come back. Reki refuses and pushes past Miya, who yells out for Reki to wait. Then when he keeps running, he gets upset because Reki has “abandoned” him.

As an extra note, when Adam calls Miya “empty”, he gets deeply hurt by this, perhaps because it feels like the one person who respected him or had any connection with him has seemingly lost interest. Thank you Reki for stepping in ily

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

When it comes to his relationship with Reki and Langa, they tend to fluctuate quite rapidly. At first Miya almost despises them because of how close they are, jealous of their friendship. However after having Reki stand up for him, his attitude towards them shifts. Suddenly Reki is someone he wants to be around, someone he deeply cares about, even if he doesn’t show it very well.

When Reki stops showing up, that’s all Miya can think to ask Langa about and he seems to be somewhat cold towards Langa, whether that’s because he feels closer to Reki or has a suspicion that Langa is why Reki isn’t there. After all, Reki is the one who stood up to him, not Langa.

Then when he finally finds Reki, he is desperate to have him stay. But as soon as Reki runs off, all the good feelings towards Reki drop and Miya calls him a liar. When he comes back, Miya once again views Reki with admiration and care, to the point that he is the only one who is vocally and visibly concerned about Reki during his race against Adam, yelling at Reki to stop and begging Joe to stop the race.

3. Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Miya views himself as superior to others, likening himself to the hero of the story. When he loses to Langa and is called empty by Adam, however, he seems to have a major shift in perception, perhaps feeling deeply hurt to the point of feeling like he has nothing to offer. Skating is his bragging point, so to have lost to a rookie and be discarded by the person who had expectations of you - that has to do something to your self esteem.

He is shown quite a few times to let down his guard and be more humble, which shows that he doesn’t always view himself above others. For instance, when he told Reki not to skate against Adam, he did so likely out of a mix of concern and low self esteem, not wanting Reki to get hurt because of him (or at least that’s how I see it).

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, s*x, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

Miya doesn’t fit this criteria. He tends to think through things a lot more and actually tends to err on the side of caution a lot more than his family peers do.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Again, this one doesn’t really apply. Moving on-

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Miya’s mood can change quite frequently. Let’s take his beef with Langa for example. He starts off feeling confident, viewing the beef more like a walk in the park than an actual competition. Then when he is reminded of his past, he suddenly becomes frustrated and that’s reflected in his increased focus in the beef. When he sees Langa attempting a dangerous move, he stops, immediately calling out expressing his concern for Langa despite previously being cold towards him. Having lost to Langa, Miya becomes upset, then is angered by Reki flicking him. He then becomes overwhelmed and happy (though he doesn’t immediately show it) that Reki promises not to abandon Miya, even laughing at Reki’s antics. When Adam enters and calls Miya empty, his mood immediately shifts to intense anxiety and upset.

In just that one instance, Miya fluctuates between various extremes of emotion - anger, upset, joy - all within a relatively short amount of time.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

When watching the video of Miya practicing, Reki makes a comment that Miya doesn’t look happy. In fact, he tends to put on a fake smile and smug persona when actually he is lonely and hurt. The passion he had for skating has disappeared, but he continues because it’s what he is good at - the people around him can all see that. Despite that, the enjoyment has gone. But when Reki comes around and is soon joined by the others, he seems to enjoy skating a lot more and that emptiness is less frequent.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

Miya is shown to have quite a short fuse. I don’t really have much of an elaboration, so here’s a small list of sorts of the times he has easily snapped.

His jealously causes him to feel resentment towards Reki and Langa. Remembering his past experiences with his friends also caused him to feel more upset and caused him to be more focused on the beef against Langa. When Langa misquotes something Miya says, he gets angry at Langa, partially out of embarrassment. At the beach when everyone is fussing over Joe, Miya’s annoyance gets channeled into him sabotaging Joe though my theory is he somewhat did this because he noticed Reki was annoyed. As previously mentioned, Miya got mad at Reki for pushing him aside and abandoning him. There’s probably more examples but hopefully my point is made.

His anger never really shows up as physical aggression. It’s usually in the form of insults or showing off with his skating.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Once again, I have little to no evidence for this. However, it’s possible that Miya’s flashback mid-beef with Langa could have been a form of dissociation as he even comments ‘why am I remembering this now?’ But more likely this just isn’t a symptom he experienced.

x

Anyways, this post was kind of more projection. I think that even if Miya doesn’t fully have bpd, he most definitely has traits of it, the most notable features being about his fears and responses to abandonment (real or perceived).

[sadselfhelp]

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

[variantia]

HEADCANON   //   YOON BUM.

Characteristics of borderline personality disorder / emotionally unstable personality disorder that Bum tends to exhibit.

Borderline personality disorder (  BPD   ) / emotionally unstable personality disorder (   EUPD   ) is a mental illness, often something that’s lifelong, which manifests with symptoms of unstable relationships, intense emotional reactions, a warped sense of self, and other long-term patterns that are often harmful or self-destructive.   Bum (   in my interpretation, at least   ) is affected by BPD in several different ways.

There are characteristics or symptoms of BPD that are possibly also explainable by the C-PTSD (   complex post-traumatic stress disorder   ) that he also suffers from, but brief descriptions of characteristics that are probably a result of BPD, which affect Bum in his daily life, are outlined in the bullet points below.   Read on if you think it may help you understand and interact with him more easily, or if you’re simply interested in how his mind works !

SPLITTING : Bum often views the world in black and white terms.   People fall into vague categories like good or bad, kind or cruel, just the same to him as people might fall into specific categories like tall or short.   Cognitive behavioral therapy is helping him break these thinking patterns, but it’s a process and he still falls into those things sometimes.   When confronted with two opposing traits existing in the same person, such as a cruel person being kind occasionally, it’s difficult for him to accept that one person can be both.   If that happens, he usually defaults to the first category his mind decided they were.   For this reason, he can appear very stubborn and set in his ways and like he doesn’t want to change, when he does, and his mind just has a lot of difficulty reconciling the positive and negative.

INTENSE OR DISPROPORTIONATE EMOTIONAL REACTIONS : Bum seems to feel or express his emotions in a way that seems like an overreaction to most people.   He’s depressed instead of sad, manic instead of happy, furious instead of irritated ; his emotions frequently jump to the extreme end rather than starting out mild and building up to the extreme.   If someone does something nice for him that is very small, i.e. perhaps letting him go in front of them in a grocery store line, he feels as if it’s a huge gesture that he should be incredibly grateful for, even if it wasn’t that big a deal.   Conversely, if something slightly bad happens, i.e. he’s late for an appointment, he feels as if he’s an inconsiderate person who can’t keep track of time, even if he’s on time on every other occasion.   The medication he’s on is aimed at ‘ turning down ’ his emotions so he doesn’t react as intensely to things that don’t merit an intense reaction, but just as with his therapy, the medication can only do so much, and intense reactions are definitely something he still experiences, just not as often as if he wasn’t on medication.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT : Bum is terrified of being rejected and left alone, and will go to extreme lengths to keep it from happening.   He, personally, wouldn’t go so far as forcing someone to stay with him, but he will absolutely make promises about being better, being whatever the other person wants him to be, begging them not to leave him alone, to the point of probably accidentally manipulating their emotions.   It’s not a conscious decision to make them feel bad for leaving or not wanting to be in his life anymore, but rather he truly feels like he’s not worth anything on his own.   Predictably, most people don’t enjoy being put in that position, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that the more he begs and promises, the more most people will want to leave.

UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIPS : Bum often gets very attached, very quickly, to anyone who shows him kindness.   He has trouble maintaining relationships with other people because he wants all of their attention, and is very sensitive to what he perceives as rejection.   If the other person says that they’re busy and can’t be with him right now, but they will later, all he seems to process is the first part.   He feels as if they don’t care about him or don’t want to make time for him.   This can lead to him treating them with anger, such as giving them the cold shoulder or saying things he doesn’t mean to them.   Once the fight is over, he will usually apologize ... but he often expects an apology from them, too.   It also happens that he seems to move very quickly in a relationship ; saying “   I love you   ” within the first few weeks of a romance, calling someone his best friend after maybe a month, etc., which typically scares a lot of people off.   Dialectical behavioral therapy is helping with improving his relationships, but these issues will almost certainly still crop up from time to time in any relationship he has.

DISSOCIATION : Bum will sometimes ‘   zone out   ’, but in a more extreme way than daydreaming.   His mind and his body experience a disconnect, and when this happens, he seems to be staring off into space.   It takes effort to make him respond, to the point that it might be worrisome to those around him.   This will sometimes happen during extremely negatively emotional moments, where Bum will dissociate completely from himself, his mind’s effort to avoid the physical and emotional pain which comes with strong reactions.   He describes it as a sort of “   empty   ” feeling, like he’s suddenly ceased to exist for a few moments, like his whole being is filled with static, like he has no idea what’s happening to or around him, before he suddenly snaps back to awareness.   He seems numb immediately following an episode of dissociation, but he’s actually often distressed by it and doesn’t like the feeling.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE OR RECKLESS BEHAVIOR : most of the time, Bum’s self-destruction takes the form of things like self-harm.   His typical method is cutting, usually along his arms, sometimes on his legs.   It’s not something he engages in daily or even weekly, monthly.   It is, however, something that when it happens, he does it several times within a short period.   He may make several cuts a few times a day for several days, then not again for months.   It depends.   Doing this causes his brain to give him a rush of endorphins to combat the pain, and that makes him feel ... good for a moment.   Then he feels guilty that he hurt himself, and wants to feel good again, and it becomes a cycle of addiction to his own hormones.   Again, it’s not a ‘   regular   ’ thing he does, but it does happen.   Other things he does are to engage in risk-taking - things like crossing the street without looking to see if a car is coming that might hit him, or going out in the rain for long enough that he’s almost guaranteed to get sick.   When he comes out on the other side of those things still alive and relatively okay, boom, rush of adrenaline that makes him feel good.   Therapy and medication are helping a lot with these behaviors, but he does still fall into them occasionally, especially when he’s experiencing a lot of stress, needs to feel in control of something, or is attempting to cope with an intense emotion where his healthier coping mechanisms haven’t helped.   He’s attempted suicide in the past because of emotional pain, and still sometimes has those ideations in his head, particularly as intrusive thoughts when things are actually going well for him.

POOR SENSE OF IDENTITY AND SELF-IMAGE : Bum doesn’t truly know how to describe himself to others, and doesn’t think he’s really worth much.   He thinks of himself as having only two big interests (   frogs and sweets   ) and the rest of his personality is simply nothing.   Often he feels like he’s only ‘   interesting   ’ when he’s with someone else.   When asked to pick a few words to describe himself or a few things he enjoys, he will struggle with doing so to the point that he might break down in tears because he feels like he doesn’t know who he is.   He’s working hard on discovering himself, but it’s a long, slow process that involves steps such as trying new things, which is very scary to him.

Bum is a man who has a lot of issues, and even though he’s working on trying to put the pieces of his life together and be healthier, many of the BPD symptoms he experiences will often inform his behavior.   It’s a struggle, but he really is trying.

Patience, understanding, and encouragement, coupled with the willingness to not enable or reinforce his unhealthy behaviors, will go a long way in helping maintain a good relationship with Bum !   Be kind to him, but also be willing to stand firm if the situation calls for it.   Even if it’s hard and upsets him at first, he appreciates those things, because he knows it will help him in the long run.