#not even gonna get into how people talk about celebrities who are bipolar thats always such a treat [sarcastic]

[emotargaryen]

having bipolar disorder is so interesting bc people treat it like a joke like its just an adjective to describe when someone's being a bitch and being manic is when you clean your room at 2am or dye your hair. yet so many symptoms and behaviors overlap with other mental illnesses its like getting hit with constant ricochets of hearing how much people hate having to deal with you and not taking it seriously but because they arent talking about bd specifically i feel like i have no right to be like... upset about it. or that if i say something then im taking the attention away from disorders that are "more stigmatized" or whatever since no one ever really talks about bipolar disorder. idk its just a weird space to be in sometimes

[bvdblog-blog]

lets start out with a cliche statement that has been done over and over again.

Emotions. Are. Weird.

yes i know everyone says it but its so true!!!! How is it that one day o can be extremely happy feel like everything is going right and like nothing can stop me. but then the next fucking day all i can think is negative thoughts and how much it would just be easier to give u and lay in bed all day? and the next day after that, like today, where I’m very blah. very middle ground. very BLANK. nothing. LIK HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE????? why is it ok that things go from one extreme to the other with no regard to everyday life!!!!

yes I’m gonna go ahead and acknowledge that I AM BIPOLAR. I’m smart enough to recognize that it plays a huge role in why i got so up and down. the thing is i don’t even feel like its hella extreme ups and downs. but its noticeable. and i hate it. its always tripped me out that my brain has a type of imbalance where it makes itself feel happy one minute and then discouraged as fuck the next minute. yet the person next to me has a brain that works so different. like my best friend. i personally think she has depression and anxiety shit going on but i know for sure she’s not bipolar. ;like why does she not have to suffer from mood changes like i do??? of course there are millions of people around the world who are bipolar and I’m not alone with it. but its just so weird. i want to not feel weird about it.

like ok sometimes I’m hanging with my family or friends and i just don’t have the energy to react how they want me to. i just don’t have the drive to have fun but i still wanna be there with them. other times i have all the energy and want them to be on my level. and i HATE that i can’t explain it to them in an understandable way. idk all my life I’ve been told that I’m super calm and mellow-which i am for the most part. and i never thought it was a bad thing. but sometimes i feel like people make it be a bad thing. like when iw as in italy n went to amsterdam with emily. she said a few times that i didn’t have a huge outward reaction about things but that she would try to hold back from saying anything about it because she knew that wasn’t me. and yes ok i know she didn’t really mean anything bad about it but COME ON. i can’t be something I’m not.

i think thats what i struggle with a lot these days. feeling like i have to be something I’m not. something my mom sister dad or friends want me to be and i just can’t fulfill those desires for them and i beat myself up about it. i need to cut that shit out thats for sure, i need to stop wanting to please everyone and fit into their mold. i think I’m slowly getting better at it. since living on my own i think I’m slowly starting to set boundaries for myself and make it clear what i wanna do n not wanna do.

idk. this is so all over the place but that just me :) going back to the feelings of blankness. i recognize that i ALWAYS feel wrong about feeling blank. like i see people around me happy sad or at least some kind of emotion and here i am not leaning towards one thing or another. i am just here. AND THATS OK. isn’t it?i want it to be ok. i wanna believe thats ok. it has to be. cuz this just how its gonna be sometimes and i cant change it. at least right now.

anyways lets whip around to another subject cuz why not!? today is 4th of july. I’m not a huge celebrator of holidays. especially now that I’m older and nobody around me has money and is only interested in eating and smoking all day. but idk it makes me sad this year. especially since my birthday just passed which was less than fucking stellar. why is it the i see so many people on social media living their literally best lives going here and there looking like their life is a blast and here i am sitting at home just continuing to watch netflix. me and paige are gonna have a self care night which is ok but its what we always do. i wanna create memories and go OUT and do something different txt I’m gonna look back on and love for years to come.

i think my group disintegrating in front of my eyes isn’t helping. i can’t accept that we won’t do group activities anymore and that some of us hate each other now. thats awful. were supposed to be family.  but now friends won’t go to other friends birthday cuz of someone else. mad for the stupidest reasons. why can’t we be adults and talk things out and BE OK?

i know if i wanna change it i have to branch out and meet new people. but thats scary.

idkkkkkk life is fucking weird these days. emotions are weird.

[hardwarevent]

Revitalization

So I haven’t really posted in a week or two. I would like to say there have been really interesting breakthroughs.... there have been, kinda. That being said, I think that I feel more different, for some reason? Confident? I dunno. I’m currently halfway through week 10 of 13 total weeks of p90x. Thats, like, day 66/90. I definitely feel stronger. I flex my biceps, and you see the definition and veins in the mirror. You can even almost see some ab area definition. I weighed myself today, and I was down to 165, so I guess my diet and exercise is a 1-2 punch of improvement for my body. On OKCupid you can give your body type, whether its overweight or average or fit or ripped, etc. I put myself down as fit, but now I actually believe it, instead of it being a little white lie. I’m starting to look good, I think. If i give myself a decent haircut, get a classier wardrobe, and smile more, sit up straight more, I think I could definitely not look shitty. Which is cool. And you know what? About the being single thing... when you’re in a relationship, or you’re married, you lose a lot of motivation, you don’t really try to turn yourself into your best self. Why? Because you’ve already got the girl, and a job probably, and it’s like, why try to be good-looking still, when you already have regular kisses/makeouts/sex/romantic attention in general? You don’t, man. You don’t work out, you don’t work on yourself. Well, that’s not true. Honestly, it depends on your motivation. Sure, there’s the girl motivation, but there’s also, like, self-improvement. And I can see that. As much as I dislike working out, and the 1.5-2 hours a day it takes me usually, I’m pretty happy when I’m finished, cuz I know I’m one step closer to being the best person I can be. I feel accomplished. 

When someone, like, plays WoW, and spends 3 hours raiding and gets 1 or 2 loot upgrades, they feel accomplished, like they set a goal, and it worked out, and they’re better now. It’s the same deal with working out, only you actually extend your lifespan and look better in real life and gain confidence and stuff, instead of having worthless e-peen. And I like that. I like having a better body than most of the old-ass dudes and guys my age at work. I know I worked hard for it. When they go out and get dim sum, I’m at my desk, eating my low-fat gross-ass tuna salad. When other people are drinking their beers and mixed drinks on the weekend, I’m drinking water. Last weekend, I was checking out M’s pull-up bar and he was like “yeah lets do it” and he did, like, 1 3/4 pull ups. That second one was a real struggle for him, cuz he kind of has a small-ish beer gut, and also doesn’t work out or anything really. I’m like “yeah man, those pull-ups are brutal, I could probably do about that much” and I bust out 5 of them, and I wasn’t even totally wiped at that point, I could have pumped out a few more. I’ve been doing this for over 2 months now, and even now, I feel like I’m the strongest and healthiest I’ve ever been. I guess right now I’m saying all this because C officially asked out their crush (of fucking course they asked HIM out, the dude is such a pussy, oh my word,  dude didn’t even make a move after like 3 fucking months lol) and they’re probably gonna end up an item pretty soon, and I’m really trying to convince myself that I made the right decision. Like outside of my anxiety about them or whatever, like every other sign points to me totally making the right decision. I was talking to M about my feelings about this, and hes like “Can i be frank? A lot of people I've told about your situation have said you've dodged a bullet.” And like... something about that line has been sticking to me. Like I was about to be stuck in something that was a death sentence. We talked about how since C’s mom was a narcissist and bipolar, they’re starting to show signs of that too. Which I can see. A few other people have opinions on C as well, that they’ve been apparently too polite to share but might share with me soon. I’m finally learning to not poke my wounds, too. When I’m tempted to go into their room to see if their vibrator has moved, or browse through the bay area furry group chat to see what they’re saying about me (C actually did shit-talk me in there yesterday, like that’s all she can do at this point is circlejerk about me to her gay-ass furry friends), I stop myself, or at least am significantly more hesitant. I think it’s really starting to not hurt. I think it’s really starting to be hammered home in my psyche that the relationship is over, and that’s ok, because they weren’t the one for you, and staying together would just prolong the inevitable. God, they totally have a “Can I speak to your manager” haircut now, cuz it’s more “androgynous”. Like, they’re turning into the radical genderfluid socialist SJW they’ve always wanted to be, since we broke up. And you know what? I’m turning into the actually-somewhat-athletically-attuned, confident guy I’ve always wanted to be as well, since we broke up. And guess what? These radically different people we’ve always wanted to be, that we’re working to turn ourselves into, we’re just not really compatible. I want a pretty normal girl who I at least consider somewhat attractive, and has got her shit together at some capacity, with optional nerdy streak. C, obviously, wants someone gayer. And more beta. And a pussy. God, I just wanna shove his 5 foot few inch ass into a locker. There’s like no testosterone there, no competitive streak, holy fuck. Every video game I’ve played him in, I have totally fucking aced him. Like, even if he wasn’t dating my ex, I still probably wouldn’t like him. But anyway, us turning into 2 different, incompatible people, that’s okay. I’m gonna be okay.  I don’t mind being single for a while. I mean, I’m lonely sometimes, sure. Well, a lot of the time. But as long as I’m really working hard to improve myself and turn into the best person I can be, realizing all that potential that people said I had growing up, that’s ok.   Oh, I’m headed to England to chill in July for about a week. I think there are some anniversaries or birthdays we’re going to be celebrating there. But its gonna be my mom’s side. It’s gonna be chill. Actually, you know what has helped me with confidence tips? I’m reading this book called The Game by Neil Strauss. It’s about this reporter dude, who’s like, “I’m gonna learn everything I fucking can about the world of pickup artists” and over the course of a year he turns into this fucking PUA god and there are all these rival schools of PUA teachings and he has these bizarre encounters with celebrities and it’s a really good book but ANYWAY it goes in depth about a lot of the techniques that PUAs use to attract women. As it turns out, a lot of it is just based on confidence and not giving a fuck. Like, if I smile when I walk in a room, stand up straight, radiate confidence, I’m obviously going to have a positive effect on whoever I meet. I mean, obviously doing the tricks and treating women like objects stuff isn’t good, I don’t want to replicate that, but there are a few tips on just being more confident. And it’s all about just letting go of being self-conscious. Just be more confident. And it’s kind of a fake it till you make it thing. Confidence is applicable in all areas of life, not just picking up women. So, I’ve tried to smile more, just in general. I’ve been working on posture, no matter how tired I get. It’s tough, but if there’s one thing P90X has taught me, its that the only way you get results is you’ve got the BRING IT. That’s what Tony Horton says, anyway. But anyway. I’ll be okay. I’ve got stuff to do. I’ve got to look on the bright side. And all things considered, my world is brighter than most people’s. I’ve got to appreciate what I have, but also work my hardest to get the best life I can.