#i just have a lot of anxiety about my finances right now

[a-d-nox]

pac: mid-year reflection - what have you accomplished and what should you be working on for the rest of the year?

i'm trying something new, a pick a card. take what resonates leave what doesn't - nothing is 100% for you because these aren't personalized so please no angry comments or dms about what i am saying not being a good fit for you or that you "don't claim" just keep scrolling if that is the case. be kind, self reflect, and have fun.

last pac/pap: what exists before you that you can't see?

masterlist of pap/pac posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

pile one

accomplished: you have fought past a hard time within your family. you broke free from the expectations and control you felt from them - good for you paving your own path!! you are now ready for the next level. continue to recharge and heal mentally as you prepare yourself for what is next. have faith you did the right thing - there is no going back now. continue to seek out inspiration for actions - and acting accordingly to your inspiration. you are steadily working towards achieving something just for yourself. just remember to remain flexible and have some patience for yourself.

still working on: you still have to work on your authority and stability - its not so improved that you can just move on. it's a process. practice being calm despite the chaos - manage your anxiety/stress. trust that you are mature enough to handle yourself and your situation. it's all about confidence, so get in touch with yours. don't be afraid to kick things up a notch. you have to practice stepping outside your comfort zone if you want to see some serious growth. at the same time, it wouldn't hurt you to take a break and take a step back from time to time (don't push yourself - you'll find yourself burnt out). you also have to work on not feeling so stuck - the past is in the past, nothing is guaranteed, fitting in is overrated, you aren't competing with anyone - that is all in your mind, and (this one you might not be ready for) your loneliness is likely self imposed (put yourself out there). take back your power in that regard! take some small steps towards what you truly want and you will feel a whole lot better before 2025.

pile two

accomplished: you have finally stopped putting so much pressure on yourself. it's such a relief! i know you are a perfectionist but it gets exhausting, no? but now you can see it's just not productive to continually compare yourself to others and now you are free. keep happily say "no" while focusing on what truly brings you joy. i feel like it's also a good thing you have lower your bar for yourself. high hopes are good but not to the detriment of your mental health and self-image. delays are okay - it's okay if you're vision is not true to reality; its probably healthier this way so keep reminding yourself that. just keep working and you will get what you need and where you need to be.

still working on: keep working on connecting with your intuition. start reconnecting with your gut - stop relying on others and allowing them to influence you. also it is imperative that you let go of whatever it is that you are clinging to. change only comes when you accept endings. surrendering what is leaving or has left allows for peace and gratitude for what still remains - so stop clinging, surrender, and create space in your life for new things. embrace some spontaneity in your life - something is about to happen and you just need to say "yes" (which sounds crazy when you read the accomplished section but you will know your say "yes" opportunity when you work past your disconnect with your gut). maybe it's travel, maybe a person, etc. say yes, take a chance. ride a wave.

pile three

accomplished: i am very proud of you. i feel like you're saving for something and are being proactive with your finances instead of spending unnecessarily. that or you are feeling a bit more stabilized and secure in a situation that was bothering you earlier in the year. you just have to keep trusting that you have what you need. give some credit to yourself for your hard work. i also feel like you learned something extremely important that really had a profound influence/impact on you these last 6 months. maybe you met someone who is helping you to be wiser about how you live life and appreciate life too. you could also be moving past something that really disappointed you or hurt your feelings. you aren't too hurt by the past to not try again - you have hope once more. your emotions are no longer stagnant or restricted as they once were. keep up the good work!

still working on: you haven't been working on something that you have been planning to - it's time you stop pushing it off and get to work. stop being so frustrated and impatient with yourself due to the lack of progress you are making. be real with yourself and stop procrastinating then you will have no reason to be frustrated. otherwise, it might be time you adjust your expectations. start doing what you love again. hard work, no matter daunting it may be, will pay off when it's something you believe in. hell even if its small bits of progress, it's better than nothing. some progress will improve your spirits. life will get in your way to test how badly you really want something oftentimes. there is something to gain in breaks and stillness - start waiting around when you finally realize what it is.

[luckbr1nger]

I am so sick of myself

Recently, I saw a video that said something along the lines of, if you haven't changed yet, it's because you aren't sick enough of who you are. Thinking about being in the same situation once again next year sent me into a panic, I cannot let this happen again.

This is going to be a long ranting post about where I'm at now and what I want to do to change it. Maybe you're in a similar position, this is a no-judgment opportunity for us all to finally make the changes we need to be happy with ourselves <3

TW: Disordered eating, self harm, mental health

What I Want to Change

Health

I am probably suffering the worst with food recently than I have in years. I have slipped back into bad eating habits where I will restrict myself, binge and then purge. I recently lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time and when I started to stagnate, I spiralled to try and keep losing the weight and it all just got worse and worse.

I have PCOS and insulin resistance so weight loss has never been easy for me, and I have never been thin. Last year, I managed to lose enough weight to leave the obese BMI category, but I am still overweight and I would like to be safely in the middle of the normal range. This is important to me because of my PCOS, there is an increased likelihood of other health issues being overweight.

I would also like to exercise more and start to build muscle, I am so unfit and muscle is so important for supporting your bones and physical health. Because of years of disordered eating, I have quite severe vitamin deficiencies, especially Vitamin D and B12 which has resulted in incredible fatigue leaving me unable to exercise. I have had a course of B12 injections and I take tablets 3 times a day and I'm hoping this allows me to have more energy and exercise more.

I also finally passed my driving test and when I get a car I am going to be able to go to the gym regularly!

Finances

I have a long history of self harming and reckless behaviours due to my BPD and CPTSD. I have been clean from self harming for about a year now, but I struggle a lot with other forms of harm such as overspending, shopping addictions and other harmful addicting behaviours but spending is the worst currently.

I have gotten myself into a lot of debt on multiple credit cards, a loan and unregulated credit like Klarna/clearpay. It's something I am so ashamed of and I am constantly in a cycle of having to pay hundreds a month to repay my debts. I want to be out of this cycle and I want to learn better coping skills for managing my mental health that doesn't involve destructive behaviours.

Hoarding

This goes together with the above, but because of my overspending, my surroundings are so cluttered. I live with my parents and my room is so tiny, I don't already have space and yet with my spending, I keep buying more and more and more and my room keeps become more cluttered and more unliveable.

I would like to downsize, I am by no means a minimalist and I have no real desire to become a minimalist, however I do not want to continue the level of consumerism that I have been. I would only like to buy the things that I need, and I would like to use up the things I have first and stop feeling attached to objects I don't need so that I can finally declutter.

Other

The areas above are the most important to me right now, the most pressing areas that I would like to sort out. However, there are some 'smaller' less dire areas I want to work on.

Hobbies: I want to focus on the hobbies I am already working on and stop picking up every hobby I hear about

Socialising: I struggle a lot with social anxiety, but I would like to slowly try and socialise more, whether it is meeting up more with my friends or trying to make more friends and put myself out there more!

What am I going to do about it?

I have some overarching, large goals for these that I am going to write down here to work towards making my life better, at the beginning of each month, I will break down my large goals into smaller goals and then at the end of each month I will do a review of how things went, anything that went well, what maybe didn't go well and my goals for the following month off the back of that.

Goals

General

Each day, do one thing I don't want to do, but need to do

Before each week, write a post on my tumblr about how the last week went and my goals for the upcoming week

Each month write a review of the last month and my goals for the coming month

Health

Reach 100-110lbs (I know it's fairly low, I'm very short, and this weight is healthy for my height)

Create a regular workout routine where I am weight training 3x a week

Reach a point where I am doing yoga at least 5 times a week, I notice I am calmest and my mental health is best when I have a regular yoga practice

Remember to take my B12, multivitamins, inositol and antidepressants regularly (I am so bad at this)

Be able to run a 5k (my cardio health isn't great, so I would love to reach a point where I can do this)

Only having takeaways when my boyfriend is down (he lives far away and when he is down it is a treat for us to get a takeaway)

Finances

Pay off my credit card debts (Current total: 3259.30)

Pay off my flexpay credit (Current total: 1297.70)

Pay off my loan (10744.47)

Low Buy 2025 (more details in another post)

Save 1k

Each week, write down what I'm spending and log it

Each month, take this and see where my money is going

Hoarding

Declutter 1 area of my room each month until I am happy with it

Other:

Hobbies

To stop myself from picking up a million more hobbies, I've included some goals for the hobbies I already have to keep me busy

Complete the colouring books I already have before ordering more

Sew an outfit for myself!

Start up ice skating weekly again

Read down my TBR (current number of unread books: 422)

Go on a photography day out

Create a language learning plan I will stick to weekly

Once Dad has sorted the herb garden, choose some seasonal plants to plant

Begin writing again, I have so many ideas and get too worried with perfectionism, but I need to put that aside and just write!

This isn't a 'New Year, New Me' project, these are continuous, ongoing habit and behavioural changes. If you want to join me, please do!! I want this to be a safe space for people who want to better their lives, and we can all support eachother <3

[ellesthots]

Fateful Beginnings

XXIV. “natural curiosity”

read on AO3 🦇

parts: previous / next

plot: under extreme pressure to perform, you prepare for your first and final interview with Bruce Wayne. Batman learns intriguing info on the gruesome murder of John Doe.

pairing: battinson!bruce wayne x fem!reader

cw: 18+, mental illness, anxiety

words: 3.2k

a/n: this brings me to the end of my back-posting! we are now up to date across tumblr, ao3, and wattpad 🥳 excited to keep writing more soooon 👀

Was this some kind of cruel punishment?

If it hadn't been for Dr. Vry's unfortunately logical and desperate plea, you wouldn't have said yes—now you were left flying back for half a week. With enrollment for freshmen starting the first day of September, you had to have this in to Bridgit the morning after meeting with him. Thinking of all the belongings you'd just bought for the apartment you thought you'd be living in, you decided against a flight and booked a U-haul for that weekend instead. You'd see if Mar wanted to drive back with you in it, and if not you'd buckle down and do it yourself.

Your parents came back not an hour later. After a few minutes of hugs and chitchat they put themselves to bed, exhausted. Your mom didn't appear critically ill or markedly different in any way (besides a darker tan), so you let yourself relax for the evening out on the couch. A rerun was on the television, the air was stale, and the setting sun stabbed your eyes. You grappled with feelings of guilt as the minutes turned into hours of nothing. You loved them, but was this all you had to look forward to?

Bruce busied himself with monotonous tasks the rest of the day. The panic attack had wiped him out physically, but his mind was wired. A still-relevant yet menial task he felt he could get into a rhythm with involved stealing the giant stack of newspapers Alfred kept by his fireplace in his office for kindling. He flipped through pages and pages of decades-old Gazette publishings, refusing to indulge his curiosity as he passed the months directly preceding or proceeding his parent's murder. It felt like an impossible feat as he discarded them to his left, forcing his eyes to remain tethered to the current moment. Eventually he found clippings from the past few years, and he nestled into the corner chair to pore over their contents. Why was the Gazette failing? Why was the journalism department going to shut down? He distinctly remembered his parents reading the Gazette together every Sunday before church. On the walk to church, he remembered people sitting on park benches reading it. He only paid attention to the comic strip curated by the art majors, but even as a young kid he knew the paper was influential.

As he skimmed through the recent few years of publishing he couldn't discern why sales were lower. It was putting out relevant information that was decent to read... He stood up and walked down the hall to Alfred's room, and found him buttoning his cuffs. "Master Wayne, what's wrong?"

Bruce shook his head. "You read the Gazette, right? Do you know how many people read it?"

Alfred finished the last button and shook out his sleeves to straighten them. He shrugged. "I don't know precisely, but in concept it seems to be doing rather well. On my grocery trips I see lots of people reading it."

Bruce nodded and made some small talk for a moment about dinner ("I've been craving some sausage and cabbage soup, would you mind that, boy?") before making his way back to Alfred's office. He logged onto the computer and looked up sales for the Gazette. While there had been a decline, it had been slow and not enough to completely shut down a department. After looking into Gotham's budget, he realized there was enough budget and in fact, the majority of the Gotham finances were allocated between GCPD and GU. Looking into the school attendance rate there was still a good amount of students applying to the university; less people going into journalism, sure, but still enough to warrant continuing the major. Was Vry a particularly attentive and anxious president, or was it manipulation to get him to agree to be interviewed?

Alfred forced him away by physically walking upstairs to bring Bruce down, and they ate the soup in silence. It was warm, and soothed him enough to take the edge off his guttural sense of impending doom.

The next day he got a call from Gordon. A quick change into the suit and a back exit getaway later, Bruce found himself at the police station. The guards stiffened their spines and glared at him as he walked up; usually it didn't bother him, but after being discovered he felt every eye on him was an x-ray. He walked down a dingy, slim hallway to Gordon's office and knocked on the door. Gordon invited him in, appearing visibly stressed. "In the office on a Saturday?"

"Hey. I don't know what to tell you, but the results came in inconclusive."

Bruce narrowed his eyes. "No idea what the metal is?"

"That's not exactly the problem." He reached into the desk and pulled out a plastic EVIDENCE bag smattered with pokes from the sharp metal inside. It landed on the table with a sharp rap. "We know what it is, but we are lost as to its function."

Bruce swirled the bag so the shrapnel tilted and moved about its cage. Gordon continued. "We brought in a few dentists, even one doctor, to clarify why this might be used as a filling but no one had heard of it before." He quickly continued. "Well, one guy did. Said he used to be a chemist. He'd heard of the metal, but said it was bordering on corrosive. He couldn't make head nor tail of why it would be used in a man's mouth."

"What is it?"

"The man said 'Electrum'. I made him repeat it because it sounded made up." Gordon rolled his eyes and bit his lip, lost in thought. His tone was biting. "I just want to find these punks. Can't have someone causing crime scenes like that running loose."

He'd never heard of Electrum. He opened his mouth to speak but Gordon continued again. He's talkative today. "The man said its properties are that of a 'spark to light up the wire'. Something about conductivity. I think it's just some man who got an under-the-table dental. Probably cracked open a soda can and peeled off a clip to tuck into his gums." By the end he was mumbling, and quickly stood up.

"They were certain it's Electrum?"

Gordon nodded. "He said it was clear. Bet his life on it." And with that he left, motioning to be followed out.

Electrum. Nothing could be found on the web about it. Alfred didn't know, and there had never been a mention about it in any newspaper since 1800 (any further back he couldn't find). By this point he was exhausted, and hadn't even realized he'd pulled a whole weekend staying wide awake. He physically pored over every newspaper article himself pre-1900, his smart engine struggling and misreading the small, fuzzied print. There was nothing that could even be vaguely related to Electrum. Fuck. He dragged his feet up to bed and crashed early Sunday evening.

Had it really only been a strange, foreign filling? Usually this would be his favorite type of thing to sleuth out, something no one could find but he could; he would read the small print from an article in 1806 and solve the mystery, following its crumb trail to an ultimate victory. It was the perfect catharsis, but he was too in his head. All Monday afternoon he twiddled his thumbs and waited for evening, but when evening came he couldn't bring himself to put on his suit. That one scrap metal felt like it was lodged in his tooth, giving him an emotional toothache. He slipped into bed and laid on his back with his arms behind his head. He gazed up at the ceiling, drawing a mental map of the situation. The John Doe couldn't be traced back. Dentist, former chemist, clarified it was Electrum. Electrum can't be found anywhere. No trace of it. Testing was inconclusive. Bordering on corrosive. Man was stabbed repeatedly and hung by the blades. Owls were etched into hilt. Owls were etched into pins and rings of the Gotham University president... Bruce squinted. How could he gain more information on Dr. Vry? His first thought was a Batman interrogation, second idea stalking her in his car for a week to see what she was up to. Both options, especially the latter, caused an internal cringe. Much like he couldn't shake his suspicion about Electrum, he couldn't shake the thought you embedded in him that he was too invasive.

Being invasive to criminals isn't bad. Often, it's the only way to catch them. Your voice came into his mind. And you're assuming she's a criminal. What happened to probable cause?

Her jewelry insignias perfectly match those on the weapon in an unsolved murder.

Perfectly, huh?

Almost.

Almost, yeah.

Even imaginary you mocked him. He continued having a conversation with himself until Alfred knocked on his door. He bristled and sat upright in bed. The old man leaned against the doorframe and gazed at him, spectacled. "Wanted to check in. Social battery ran out, I assume?"

Bruce stared down at his sheets. "Unsolved murder. Can't find any clues."

"Peculiar. Not much stumps you these days."

He struggled not to receive it sarcastically given how vigilant Alfred had been about his mental wellbeing the past few months. He hoped this wasn't another request for him to meet with his therapist, but his hopes were quickly dashed. "I called New Discoveries, they have a few openings this week and next."

Bruce bit back a retort. "If I ever need her, I'll give her a call."

"Bruce,"

"Stop, please. I've got enough to deal with right now."

He leaned in and raised his eyebrows at the boy. "Your analyst could help with that."

"I don't need someone to tell me my parents died."

Alfred heaved a deep sigh. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm not talking about this." This was the push he needed to get out and into his suit. He jumped out of bed and strode firmly past him, ignoring Alfred's calls to get him to 'just make a phone call'. He was surprisingly swift getting into the suit and out on the town. Guilt plagued him at abandoning Alfred, but this was about the tenth time they'd had that conversation since June and it was making him ill. He wouldn't mind seeing his therapist again, he'd liked going after the murder, but he didn't think he could handle being forced to reckon with his mortality at this point in his progression. He still wasn't sure it existed, and until he tied up all the loose ends about the owls, or his symptoms got significantly worse, he was going to ride this last high as long as it let him.

The next few days with your parents went smoothly. It was almost like before your mom had gotten sick, plus Walter. Walter was ecstatic to see your parents back, and you no longer sobbed in the shower out of lonely desperation. You were able to distract effectively through various arts and crafts with your mom, and by the time you were starting to need 'me' time she would tire. You spent some time with your dad fixing the back deck and pulling some weeds out of the raised flower beds. You tended to the pumpkins your parents had planted in June, and harvested some bell peppers and blueberries.

You avoided thinking about Gotham until you were in Gotham; you hadn't even mentioned to your parents you'd been fired/quit, and figured they'd know when a U-Haul ended up at their house with you and Mar inside. The quiet neighborhood was relaxing when your family was around, but that desperate feeling of loneliness was pinned to your chest. The town felt more desolate after being in the city, the quiet felt heavier when they were gone, and knowing how fragile her health was you figured you'd spend more of your life without her than with her. The combination threatened to consume you, and you spent every lull in conversation and every night lying in bed unable to sleep from worry about finding your purpose in life. What interested you? What motivated you? What were your values? How could all of the above be translated into a livable life?

Where did you belong? Did you belong here, in the sleepy town with wide open skies? Did you belong in a city with skyscrapers and sardine-squishing sidewalks? You liked the access the city afforded you. When you'd first moved there, you'd been enthralled by the hundreds of restaurants and stores within a mile's radius. You'd maxed out a small credit card being silly and young, trying cuisines you'd never even heard of. You found cute themed shops that were abhorrently overpriced but nonetheless aesthetically pleasing to visit. But the city moved so fast, and just in time for you to settle into a routine with a favorite restaurant they'd be closing shop. It was cutthroat and intimidating, and you felt softer. Too soft. Life here was too slow as to be entirely, aggravatingly boring. There were only a handful of restaurants in town and they were all dying fast food chains strung out amongst various struggling mom and pop shops that wouldn't dare invite in a health inspector. But the nature was beautiful, and sometimes you loved the quiet breeze of it all. You had no friends besides Mar who you could never see leaving the city, a degree that was worthless in the current economy, and your extended family lived in south Florida for some unknown reason. You only saw them once a year at a family reunion that was usually in July, but had been postponed to Christmas. Ugh.

On Monday you set off for Gotham. You'd arrived on time a few days earlier to ensure you could properly pack your stuff. Day one was filled with throwing out the perishable groceries and giving yourself a moment to breathe outside of your childhood home. The food tasted bland, your favorite shows had lost their spark, and your bed was lumpy and hard. The floors were cement and made your feet ache with every slapping step. The water took ages to heat up compared to home, and you kept watching your step for Walter who never showed. The flight had been frustrating. Your head pounded. You felt like screaming into an empty field, creating a dust storm from pounding your hands into the dirt until you were bruised.

Day two after arriving back to Gotham, you sat down at your small desk in the corner to think up some questions. It was impossible to focus, but you kept yourself to task by repeating you'd be out of here permanently, genuinely, so, so soon. As you stared at the blank page, anxiety sprouted. It hadn't before occurred to you that everyone would be reading this; in fact, everyone would likely be seeking this out so much it would be translated to different languages hours after being published. For a moment you couldn't wrap your head around why this time felt so much more high-stakes, and then you remembered the fate of an entire university department rested on how marketable and quality this interview was... and remembered how obscenely rich and powerful the subject was. You twiddled your fingers just slightly above the keyboard, nervous to even begin to dive into it.

The first thing you did was peruse Scypher, especially their forum sections.

SEARCH: Bruce Wayne

SEARCH: Mr. Wayne

SEARCH: Bruce

SEARCH: billionaire

SEARCH: Gotham

SEARCH: Gotham City

SEARCH: Gotham and Bruce

SEARCH: Gotham and Bruce Wayne

You sifted through hundreds—if not thousands—of posts thirsting after him. There were pap photos, one-shots written daydreaming about him, some tweets hating on how rich he was (you liked those), but the vast majority were simply pining after him in a public arena. You got a small sense of what people wanted to see from him, but not enough to create a substantial question.

You went onto Google and searched the same things. A handful of articles from major news outlets were titled similarly: What We Know About Bruce Wayne, the Orphaned Billionaire. People generally knew about the circumstances of his parent's murder, that he lived at home with his maids and butlers (was there more than one Alfred?) and everything that he'd announced at Gotham University graduation. There was logistical data on his Wikipedia page such as his height, birth date, current age, and where he went to school growing up. Information for the past decade was slim, the only bits being where he attended college, his date of graduation, and his major. It appeared the only times since his parent's death he peeked out into the public eye were school-related.

No one knew anything about his personal life, and you worked yourself into a tizzy brainstorming ways to persuade him into talking about himself. Where was the line between too benign of a question and too invasive of one? What was relevant information to someone high-profile's first interview? You'd spent hours digging into the first interviews of now-major celebrities, but they all happened before they rocketed into fame. This was different: he was born famous, and now at age 30 he was finally speaking to someone. After a certain point in your research you feared you would need to be the blueprint for this kind of thing; even nepo babies had been interviewed as children, asked questions such as their favorite musicians, movies, books, and colors. How did you show the public he was normal, personable, even? Did you even want to make him appear normal, because he didn't seem it. He was an enigma. Someone you couldn't quite peg.

You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. What's my goal with this? No one else's, mine? What do I want to learn about him? What are my natural curiosities? This led to an immediate rush of creative energy, questions popping up left and right; you didn't care about how invasive or off-kilter they might seem. After the brainstorming, you gathered the questions into three categories: COMFORTABLE - DEEPER - DANGEROUS.

The first contained questions that were more basic, and likely wouldn't elicit an emotional response in any way to the interviewee. The second probed a bit more, considered more thorough and juicy. At this point an interviewee might be more choosy with their phrasing, or pause to think about it. The final category was fully questions of your own mind, questions you didn't think you'd ever ask but wanted to be put to paper. These were so juicy as to be intimate, so personal as to be disorienting.

When else would a woman have the leverage to ask such a dizzyingly powerful man anything she wanted?

[lazyscience]

I'm so, so tired of the constant infighting between leftists and liberals about who's not listening to whom and how it lost the election, particularly "Libs didn't say anything about X issue" and "leftists couldn't shut up about Y issue!"

The problem is, a LOT of the United States isn't listening. To anybody.

People who care about politics are listening and have opinions about policy and platforms, but SO much of the United States does not. As soon as anybody mentions a party, a lot of people's brains turn off even among the educated and reading groups. "All politicians are crooks just trying to look important, except for my hero Trump, or my hero AOC" or whichever politician they feel like meets their vibe where it's at.

As far as Project 2025, or maternal mortality, or migrant child labor, or transphobia, or Palestine?

Well, let's start with how 54 percent of adults in the US read at a 6th grade level or below. They rarely even watch TV news except the sports and weather and maybe if there's a cute story about a dog playing pickleball or a kid with cancer sacrificing their Make-A-Wish to pay school lunch debt rather than going to Disneyworld like that's somehow "heartwarming." There were 262 million adults 18 years of age or older in 2023, and the number of people turning in to nightly news? Less than 20 milion. To newsmagazines like 60 Minutes that are more in-depth? Less than 15 million (and no way to tell how many of these are the same people or different ones)

Best guess is between 30-35% of people are getting their news ONLY from social media, as opposed to 7-11% from a newspaper/legacy media outlet.

Most adults in the US are most certainly are not reading over 700 pages from the Heritage Foundation, no matter how profoundly it looks to affect them when 46 percent of them did not read a single book in the last year. Most of the books they DID read were fiction, not dense policy statements.

In short? A fucking lot of people DON'T know about a lot of issues or what Democrats were or weren't doing about them. They are swiping past the TikTok leftists and Facebook MAGAts both in favor of focusing on baby animals, viral dances, recipes, or pretty pictures on Instagram where the politics have been pre-filtered out for them. I'm guilty of this myself, of hitting my anxiety threshold about my finances, my job future, my safety and that of my loved ones who aren't white, straight, cis and Christian, that so much feels out of my control and I just want to look at fucking cat pictures and crafts.

The problem is how many people do this every day, all the time, because they don't know how any of it works, it ALL feels out of their control, and they just want someone to tell them what to do.

Fascists love NOTHING better than telling people "I'll tell you what to do and it'll all be okay," while people who deal in facts don't want to do that because it's not true.

Which brings us to - leftists, fascists, and the large mushy middle in-between--very very few of ANY of them on social media are operating on facts. Most people are simply not equipped to engage with politics in terms of policy or platforms. It is all fucking vibes right now. And right now, with everybody's vibe feeling like the current situation re: job opportunity, cost of living and authoritarian regimes and hate groups getting bolder and bolder all the time is fucking rancid, the challenger party is ALWAYS going to have an advantage of "maybe things will be different." Especially when the people voting don't actually understand what concrete things have to happen to MAKE it different (like the difference between laws and executive orders, and the power of the courts to strike down EOs/laws, and who ACTUALLY controls the price of eggs and that there's fucking POTATO cartels).

Leftists and liberals alike, I beg of you, these two things.

stop the goddamn circular firing squad until the right is not in a position to eat us all, please and thank you, and

Don't lie to people about how shit can be fixed if you just do this one simple trick, BUT - encourage people to do concrete, actionable things that will make a visible change. The people advocating about showing up to city council meetings? I fucking LOVE YOU.

The giant problem I just word vomited about above is paralyzing. It feels insurmountable. We can't start there. We can't immediately fix country-level political coverage OR people's ability to read it. What we CAN do is make people feel like they CAN make a difference in the community where they live, a tangible one. They can make a difference about what kind of housing gets built, what happens to their trash, who can use a bathroom, what books can be in their library, whether unhoused people need to be Christian to access shelter when it's cold, if their town or suburb or city is a sanctuary.

And as people who didn't know before learn how to make arguments and navigate procedures in their community, it'll be more intuitive to them to ask these questions on the state level,on the national level "how do these things work? where do these decisions come from? and what can I do about them, me, myself?" Because they'll have reason to think they CAN. That it IS their problem, and not just a graphic to scroll past.

[milamilamilax]

Sydney's mental health

I’ve read plenty of theories about Sydney’s potential health issues, particularly whether she might have lupus, but I think the show could take a different approach. There are various clues throughout the two seasons pointing at mental health issues for Sydney, which I think these point towards things potentially getting worse for Sydney as she puts too much pressure on herself - or perhaps hints of a backstory for Sydney, but the clues are definitely there. 

We’ve seen general hints about Sydney having anxiety, e.g. struggling to sleep, haunted by memories of catering, and the stomach problems she has, likely due to stress. We also know that she is closed off emotionally, to the extent that she arguably even hides the truth about her mother’s death. Although we haven’t seen it officially yet, her “c’est pas grave” tattoo feels like something someone with anxiety would say to themselves as a kind of motto.

Specific things I’ve noticed while rewatching that support this include:

Sydney talking to Carmy (1x05) about the collapse of her business “My whole shit got rocked. And there’s not a night I don’t stay up just thinking about what I could’ve done different.”��Sydney refers to her shit getting rocked separately to her credit getting fucked. Notably, when talking with Marcus about the same thing (the collapse of her business) in 1x08 is how this affected her finances - her negative credit score and moving back in with her dad, so she must be thinking of something else here. (I also think this is a sign of Sydney/Carmy > Sydney/Marcus; she’s more open with Carmy when they barely know each other than she is with Marcus when they’re hanging out outside of work as friends.)

In the shots of Sydney's bedroom (also in 1x05) the choices of posters could mean something more. There are 2 film posters that we see clearly in Sydney's room: (1) Jumping' Jack Flash, a film named after a Rolling Stones song, which recounts stories of intense suffering only to come out stronger, and (2) Speed, a film about a bus that has been rigged to explode if its speed drops below 50mph. This also made me of all the references to Sydney driving and how this is a metaphor for her ambition and work ethic (see here) - could it be a reference to this drive also being a weakness?

Sydney talking to Marcus (1x08), after he compliments her for not taking a day off and getting right back to cooking: “I’m just the type, like, as soon as I stop I just *mimics falling apart*". Clearly, she’s experienced this falling apart before, but this is something we haven't seen on screen. We don’t know the timelines of Sydney’s business and exactly when it fell apart, but could it be that the collapse of Sheridan Road drove her to also collapse? (This is also the conversation where she explicitly says to Marcus "It would be weird to work in a restaurant and not completely lose your mind," but I think this is something different to her references to losing her mind when she's not working.)

Sydney talking with her dad (2x02), she differentiates The Bear from her previous business, saying: “I’m in a much better place than last time.” I found this choice of words interesting - separately, she mentions that she’s learned lots of lessons, and has a partner now, but the reference to a “better place” is distinct. What kind of “place” she was in when she started and closed Sheridan Road? It sounds like whatever her emotional and mental state was, it was at least a factor in her failure there. It’s also interesting that she didn’t mention this as one of the reasons for leaving catering when she discussed it with Carmy in 1x05: she didn’t refer to any personal factors, focusing instead on the logistical challenges (on her business getting too big too fast, and the difficulties of running it out of her garage). 

Emmanuel to Sydney (2x09): “I know you can put a lot of pressure on yourself”; Sydney responds: “why can’t we put everything that we have into everything that we can?” And then, “I don’t know if I could do another one.” This exchange isn't subtle at all, because Emmanuel is a great dad and cares about his daughter, but I find it interesting how much he is focused on the pressure Sydney puts herself under; he's no longer focusing on the risky nature of the industry or her change in plan as he was in 2x02, he’s only concerned about her wellbeing here. We know how much pressure she is in fact putting on herself (to get a star, and to generally be the best) so could she end up pushing herself too far again?

Sydney talking to Carmy (2x09) in the infamous table scene: “What if I just, like, completely melt? Like I just, fuck up and fail?” Now, at this point, we haven’t actually seen Sydney completely melt. In 1x05 and 1x06 she handles crises at the restaurant like a boss and saves the day with her quick thinking, and even with the to-go crisis in 1x08, her initial response is to try to help - what makes her throw in the towel is Carmy’s attitude towards her. She could also be referring to the final pasta dish she did for Sheridan Road, but this also didn't sound like "completely melting" to me. I think she’s remembering another time here, a different memory that we haven't seen yet - or perhaps foreshadowing melting in the future.

I’m also interested in how the writers have made Sydney so similar to both Carmy and Mikey, two characters who we know have struggled with extremely poor mental health.

Now, Sydney and Carmy's clothes (think matching jumpers, uniforms, the Thom Browne connection - see post here), language (see this post), and even their names (see here) show how similar they are. This post, however, made me realise how much the writers have also made Sydney mirror Mikey. Maybe the writers are hinting at a similar spiral (although I couldn't imagine this involving drugs specifically, which is something we've never seen referred to in the context of Sydney). 

When Mikey was spiralling, Carmy was away - he didn’t even know Mikey was using drugs, and he didn't go home in the immediate aftermath. Likewise, in 2x10, Carmy is (for all intents and purposes) away and unable to help Sydney when she begins to lose control of the situation. Just as with Mikey, Richie is the one who is available - and, this time, he’s able to save the day.

Generally, Sydney appears relatively stable on the surface, particularly when we compare her to some of the Berzatto family - but I think this is at least partly a case of her being a character who doesn't let her emotions show as much. My own theory for S3 is that the above is either hinting at a larger spiral for Sydney, or is some heavy hinting for Sydney's backstory, which I hope to God we get to see more of.

[numinously-yours]

Pick a Hippo: What do you need to hear?

I know I say it all the time, but I DO want to do more readings for you all. Today's is a simple "what do you need to hear"?

I know you may be finding it hard to define your life’s purpose, but don’t be hard on yourself because it’s taking longer than you thought it would/should. You are doing a lot of introspection and soul searching. Perhaps you are about to embark on a new adventure and having your sense of self makes you feel like you’ll do better. Having an open slate can be just as great a tool going into a new part of your life, though.  Keep holding on by Avril Lavigne came on at the end of the reading. Just keep believing in yourself and your journey. Trust that The Hermit’s lantern will light your path. You’re getting there!

You got all kinds of songs with your reading! Starting with Fireworks - this is from Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix. In the scene that this song is in, Fred and George Weasley are officially embarking on their own adventure. They are no longer tolerating Dolores Umbridge’s regime or abiding by anyone else’s standards. They are making fun, bright, beautiful magic with their fireworks. Human by Christina Perri started once I was about to interpret the cards; it made me think that right now you may be subscribing to other’s wants of you. Since this song started after I began my notes, I think this cycle is ending and your magical side is about to burst through. Then the Brave soundtrack started… You are meant to start this individual journey!!

The first thing I read that resonated with me for your cards and for this reading is “don’t keep pushing forward”. You may be finding it difficult to trust your own intuition or to do your own thing without the comforts of the people you are used to following. But The Hanged Man tells me that separating yourself from the wants and needs of others is going to do you SO well. Continuing to push through the discomfort, anxiety, and unsureness that comes along with this is only doing to delay your progress. Your inner strength is going to propel you to the life you deserve.   

My biggest piece of advice on this day is to be mindful about your intentions – especially concerning finances. You have a business opportunity or you’re planning a major event (trip, wedding, moving, something of the sort) and you need to be cognizant about how much money you’re putting into it. Be responsible with the spending habits. As I was reading keywords for the King of Wands, I read “you are inspired by long-term, sustainable success” and at the same time Eminem raps, “Success is your only mf-ing option.” There’s no better way to interpret this than Sustainable success is your only mf-ing option. You can absolutely invest in this venture, but do it smartly. Remember the long term affects and what will make the biggest (and most positive) impact.

If money is not on your mind, the cards can also be referring to relationships and the part you play within them. You are a strong leader and have a vision, but don’t make decisions which are paid for by the foundation of the relationship.

Lastly, music in general may be a good meditation tool for you. The main line of this song is "lose yourself in the music". Let yourself be lost <3

[theambivalentagender]

I know I don't need to post updates on why the comic is currently delayed, but I want to.

There's been a lot going down at once in my life, health and finances wise. We're dealing with our leasing company raising rent more than expected and trying to negotiate/see if what they're doing is technically legal.

Then I have my ongoing work injury to my left (dominant) arm. I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow. Never been put in The Tube before so wish me luck that I don't suddenly discover I have claustrophobia. I've been considering asking for a different doctor on my case because I've had a few medical-field acquaintances say they're looking at the wrong things.

And then there's been my anxiety issues that have been especially difficult recently, which I'm starting to discover may be because I've accidentally been starving myself for months. Fun ways that my body has apparently been trying to alert me to my situation include:

1) a constant feeling of low key dread, that something bad will happen if I don't take some unspecified action (spoiler: the something bad is "dying" and the action is "eating something")

2) the idea to start a YouTube channel where I eat pet food from my work and rate it (mostly thought while I was inspecting food due dates)

Of course I've also just been experiencing fear as a natural reaction to scary things happening. So, there's that.

I'm working on the next comic right now. But it may still take time because I've been enjoying making longer form comics. Plus, I think I'm improving? So I'm taking longer because I want to make it look better? Maybe?

Anyway, if you're having nagging thoughts about what cat food tastes like and can't stop thinking about how the world is falling apart around you, maybe check how much actual food you've eaten recently.

[bitchesgetriches]

Hey bitches,

I'm 26, almost 27, and I don't have a savings, IRA, investments, anything. The reason for this is because I was very suicidal for a very long time, so I just didn't see the point of saving or making plans for the future, let alone retirement. I ended up moving back in with my parents because I didn't feel safe living on my own or with people who weren't family. It's only a few months ago that my mental health changed for the better, and ironically, now the fact that I am so far behind everyone else my age causes my depression and anxiety to worsen. Fortunately, finances is something that I know I can do something about, I just... don't know where to start.

Currently, I'm busy paying off student loans, so while I have a savings account, I don't put much into it. My job is fantastic in regards to work environment and coworkers and validating that I'm good at something - it definitely helped me find a will to live again - but it doesn't have benefits and it pays far below the national average for this position. I know finding a new job will help the money + moving out front and maybe even the IRA thing, because don't a lot of employers match what you put in there? But I'm admittedly reluctant/scared to job hunt again, because the jobs I had before this one were horrible and made my mental health issues even worse. I have a Bachelor's degree and everything, but since I was so suicidal all throughout university and up until a few months ago, I just... didn't bother looking into internships or anything, so this is my first job in my actual field. I don't know if it's bad to stay at a job that doesn't have benefits or pay too well while I'm still getting my feet under me and figuring out what life is like when you actually, you know, want to live it. And I know that you are not mental health professionals, so I don't know if you have any input there or not.

But generally speaking, when it comes to finances, I'm just... Not sure where I'm supposed to be. How much should a 26/27 year old have saved? Or in an IRA? Or in investments? And how do you balance all those things while paying for yourself to live on your own? Is it bad to stay somewhere that you know pays well below the national average while you're still figuring this life thing out, and then job search again later, when you feel steadier? Or is that shooting yourself in the foot?

I know this is a lot. Like I said, I'm kind of starting from zero in my late-20s pretty much, so... I don't even know where to start or what to focus on. Retirement, maybe? No idea. But any input/advice/articles you want to share would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much for all that you do!

Honeybee... we are SO gd proud of you for staying alive. True--we're not mental health professionals! But we understand mental health struggles and how drastically they can affect your finances. So this is your official permission to forgive yourself for falling behind on money achievements while you were literally battling your own brain for the will to live. That is HUGE. You survived. Don't feel any guilt for that.

Next, stop thinking in terms of where you "should be" at your age. You're starting late by society's standards, and that's society's problem, not yours. Here is our advice on where to get started right now, at your stage regardless of age:

The Financial Order of Operations: 10 Great Money Choices for Every Stage of Life 

[theastromind]

Seonghwa Tarot Personality Reading

I finally got my cards out and decided to do a tarot reading for Seonghwa and started off by doing a personality reading for him. This is my first one in a very long time and I've only just started learning about tarot so please take this lightly!

deck used: The Lunalapin tarot deck

seven of wands, justice, nine of swords, six of pentacles, seven of pentacles rx, knight of wands rx, ace of swords rx, the sun rx, ten of pentacles, five of pentacles rx, four of cups rx

He fights for what he wants in life and has worked hard to get there. He speaks the truth and assesses situations from both sides, he is not afraid to speak what's on his mind and tell the truth. It seems like he's had a tough past and has been caught up in a cycle of anxiety and worry. He has most likely dealt with a depression of sorts because of his overthinking and worries. It seems like he gives a lot of his time helping others but sometimes feels like he gets taken advantage of and doesn't always get the rewards from all the hard work and energy he gives others. Because of this he wishes that he would be appreciated more and recognised for his efforts. He may also want to start prioritising what serves him and put all his energy into something that gives the rewards and recognition he deserves, but because of his stubborn nature he has the mindset of ‘toughing it out’, because he spent time and energy doesn’t want to admit defeat. Without realising it, Seonghwa may be being too impulsive right now and is trying to take everything on all at once. He has so much passion and creative endeavours that he wants to pursue, but he has no idea where to channel it and may be restricted in some way. He seems to be frustrated at the moment because of this because of things potentially standing in his way. It seems like he may have something he wants to pursue pertaining to his career and that may be writing lyrics or some other form of communication. He's currently thinking how to best bring it into the world, but has anxieties about sharing his work for fear of not being good enough. Because he has suffered a lot in the past, he wants to show others that it is possible to overcome your worries. He wants to be a shining light of hope and positivity for others. I feel like because of what happened in his past, he has inner child wounds that need to be healed and I feel like at the moment he is exploring that. He likes to have fun and let go of his past, especially with his love for lego and animal crossing. He wants to share his success story and inspire others to keep on going. Friends and family are very important to him and he likes to take care of them and knows that he can trust them wholeheartedly. At the moment he may be going through a difficult regarding his work and finances. He wants to have some sort of financial stability, but might be worried he may lose it or have it be taken away. It seems he is tired and wants to have a break from things for a while and retreat to heal himself.

[maxthelordagain]

clinic? It’s okay if your not comfortable sharing I just get overly worried about people even when I don’t know them, hope your okay!

//TW: metal health, clinics, depression, financial struggle, etc

Yeah, I’ve been going in and out of metal health clinics for a while now, which is why my art posts are so inconsistent in recent years.

Without sharing too much, or risk anyone getting triggered, a couple years back it ended up getting so bad, that I ended up in a hospital and I’m sure many of you can deduce what that means. Last year, at 18 years old, I finally got diagnosed with autism. Ever since then, my life has been steadily improving, because now I’m getting a lot of accommodations I never even knew I had a right to.

I’ve also reconnected with my family, since I’ve gotten much better at voicing my own feelings, and they understand me much better through that, as well as through my diagnosis. I’ve also been much more forgiving towards myself, since I used to think of myself as very flawed, for struggling with things other people don’t mind, or even enjoy, such as going shopping, or eating in groups, or being in large crowds.

The struggle I’m facing right now is, the last clinic I was in has deemed me unable to work for at least 2 years, which raised concerns for my finances, so my caretakers wanted me to go to another clinic, which is where I’m at now. It’s very specialised towards depression and anxiety disorders, in which case confrontation is the best course, which really counters my issue, in which I have only just learned to set boundaries at all. A lot of my coping strategies aren’t possible for me here, as well as me being effectively masking 24/7, since you’re always under observation, and even at the end of the day, the rooms are shared, so I just feel like I don’t have a space to recharge.

I’m an adult and technically allowed to leave if I feel like things get too tough, but I’m also relying on the government to cover my finances, which they won’t do if they feel like I’m not doing sufficient work in order to fix my mental health, so in a way I still feel trapped here. I’m struggling right now and honestly don’t know what to do, but unfortunately this is something I’ll just have to weather out. I have a very good support network outside of the clinic, which I can’t wait to get back to, but is also inaccessible to me here.

I think this is long enough now, so I’ll just sign this off here, but I do want you to know that you don’t need to be worried, since I know I will get the help that I need eventually, even if this currently isn’t. I hope you all stick around, even through my slower art posts, because I still love to create art and I hope that maybe in a couple of years, I’ll be recovered enough to go back to creating art full time <3

[hushroomloser]

Chris Evans Short Story Part 8

Part 8 

Pairing: ReaderxChrisEvans 

Request: Meeeee 

Prompt: “I’m sorry I thought you were somebody else”

Warning(s): I’m a first-time writer

Word count: 586

A/N: Hey online strangers, I wrote the first part a while back and have the rest of the story in my drive but have never posted it. This story I wrote way back in 2019 :'(. I will be posting at random times if you stay and read it thank you so much. Enjoy xoxox - I have no idea how many parts this story and technically I haven’t an ending yet. 

The dreaded block has come and taken me. That and university seems to enjoy giving me some solid sucker-punches every few days. Alas like life I might have given up on this story and writing it altogether. I do not know who’s enjoying this mess of a story. Lol, anywho I will update once again in a blue moon and edit all of the parts to make them more coherent. Especially now that AI can write cry ... my unattainable dreams

Xoxo 

From a tired girly 

White, red and purple consumed the cafeteria, filled with residents, doctors and other health professionals. Rush hour had yet to peak, and yet it was slowly starting to fill up. 

Maybe we shouldn’t have coffee here, he thought. 

Chris roamed around the hospital to find the best spot to grab a quick drink. Unfamiliar with the place he had gotten lost a few times, asking strangers to the nearest exit every time. 

“Hey, you’re that guy right.” 

Dreading it, he hadn’t been recognized yet, mostly because everyone seemed busy. He did not mind taking a picture and talking with a fan but he did not want to be late for his date, especially since he hadn’t found a place to take her yet. He turned around, looking at the person who had called him. 

“Hi, I think so.” 

In his shyness, he managed to smile at the tall stranger wearing a lab coat. He took a quick glance at the name embroidered on his coat, the name was Doctor Gagnon. 

“Are you looking for Lizzy, uhm Dr. Kelley by any chance?” Frowning his brows, he wondered how he knew this specific doctor. A little sad that maybe hospital gossip had been playing a major role in his interaction. 

His anxiety had been slowly elevated when the stranger seemed to recognize the emotion on his face, feeling his uneasiness towards him he quickly said “I am her finance, if that helps, do not worry she hasn’t told anyone. I just know because she texted me about the girl that hit you at the coffee shop.” he giggled thinking about her hitting the Captain. 

Chris did not know why he would giggle or if it was an inside joke or anything he was just surprised at how this stranger, this doctor had been so nonchalant about who he was. He had been used to people being starstruck, especially after playing Captain America. 

He paused and looked at him, he was beautiful even for a straight man the guy he was staring at was a very beautiful man, the movies did not do him justice he thought. 

“Do not worry”, he laughed 

“I won’t tell anyone that I saw the Chris Evans''

“What are you looking for?” the gentle giant asked. He wondered if people got scared of him because of his demeanour and his height. He was a very imposing and confident man compared to him, 

Chris did not know what to think, the giant seemed so nice. “Uhmm thank you, I was just looking for a private coffee shop in this honestly big hospital. “ he started to ramble, ·” How is this soooo big but looks soo small I feel like I am in a maze”, he told the stranger, he felt at ease for some reason telling him of his struggles. The strangers giggled and said, “Yeah I am still confused about it and I have been here for like 5 years it is a very strange place.” 

“The coffee shop next to the parking lot at the end of the hallway should be private enough if you are bringing her there.” he smiled. 

Chris wondered how he knew but he guessed that they were all friends. Chris smiled back, shyly not knowing what to say. 

‘Thank you”, he said shyly, he was truly embarrassed that someone had figured out what he wanted to do. He did not know what to say or add he just stared at the stranger, a very handsome stranger to boot.

….. 

[angryschnauzer]

Trust your gut. Trust your internal moral compass. If you meet someone and there is something nagging at you in the pit of your stomach trust that feeling.

Over the years i've had that feeling a number of times. People that give me the 'Heebie Jeebies' or severe anxiety. A lot of the time it was celebrities, and a large portion of the time i've been proven right. I remember being a child and watching TV where a performer called Gary Glitter was on a show. It was the mid 1980s and he was a 'Glam Rock' pop star and i remember being no more than 5 or 6 but refusing to watch the show, to the point of crying and being visibly upset. I'd never met him. A decade and a half later he was imprisoned for Child Pornography. Another celebrity was Jimmy Saville. He was a TV presenter and even had a show in the 80s called 'Jim'll Fix It', a bit like a make a wish show, where children could write in and say they've always dreamed of meeting a celebrity. For example meeting a footballer and kicking the first ball at a game, or having tea with a pop star etc. It was 'wholesome family TV'. I couldn't stand to watch it, he gave me the utter creeps. His name lives now in infamy amongst British people, as the BBC had hidden hundreds of accusations against him over the course of 4 decades during his time working for them, accusations sexual assault of adults and children both male and female, and when the floodgates of revelations opened in 2012 there was even investigations into the NHS as he would volunteer as a porter (general helper that would help escort patients or even corpses between wards in the hospitals) and was known not to be left alone with young patients and especially corpses.

Those are the most visceral reactions to celebrities i'd had, way before any accusations ever came to light, but i've felt it to a somewhat lesser extent with other celebrities that again have proven to be not nice people (Mark Wahlberg, Chris Pratt, Jonah Hill), but also people in real life. I there was a guy who married my Aunt back in the 90s. He always seemed a little off, but all the adults loved him; he was smart and funny, and made my Aunt happy. They had 2 kids together and had a wonderful 15 years of marriage. Until he left one day deciding that his other family was more important, and his other wife and kids were a better fit. He literally ran two families side by side for a decade and a half, living 5 miles apart. He drained my Aunt's finances to support the other family. He put their house up for sale whilst my Aunt was living in it. Someone i went to school with was one of those guys that was always funny and popular, and during my 20s i'd see him out and about regularly in pubs as had a few mutual friends, always a social butterfly. He once asked me why i never pursued him for a date (he never asked me out either), and i just told him he wasn't my type, something always niggled at my gut. 5 years ago he was arrested for impersonating a 15yo boy in a chat room and getting 12yo girls to send him explicit photos of themselves.

Trust your gut. Trust that anxiety. You don't have to explain it to anyone, trust your instinct. You can read people better than you know.

[kabillieu]

One of the consequences of my own "age-gap" marriage (lol) is that I entered into a relationship with someone who had been an adult manager of his own life for nearly ten years, whereas I had never managed my own life.

As a child and college-aged adult, I was pretty sheltered by my parents in ways that were both helpful and not. Through a combination of attending an inexpensive small state school, having lots of scholarships, and my parents' paying for what the scholarships didn't cover, I didn't have to manage my own finances for rent or food or insurance. My parents gave me a car, so that wasn't an issue. I didn't have any significant bills when I met Dominic, and any bills I did have (like car insurance and my college meal plan) my parents covered. I'm capable of budgeting, but it gives me a lot of anxiety, and because Dominic has always been by far (by leaps and bounds!) the top earner in our marriage, and because he'd already been in charge of his own finances for a decade before I met him, he just became, very early on, the default manager of finances in our relationship.

I have had a lot of shame about this over the years! I've had money shame my whole life, actually. It's especially weird because I've always had enough money! And strangely I feel shame about that too! It does seem like I skipped a crucial young adult stage of struggling to figure my finances out and to provide for myself. Dominic and I were college-poor for a year, and then poor-poor for like one summer, and then his Lieutenant pay kicked in.

The ease of enough-money is worthwhile. It's something I wish for everyone. But I worry about money all the time anyway. And I'm married to someone who spends money differently than I would if it were just my money. But I also recognize that my conservative approach to spending would have hurt me over the years. There are risks I would have never taken on my own that Dominic did, and they paid off for us.

This house we're buying is actually a big compromise because it's far less than Dominic had budgeted for. I think--in this instance--I'm right. But I wasn't right about other things in the past, and he was. I can see that clearly now.

Anyway, these thoughts are brought to you by reading that ridiculous essay yesterday, and talking to the man who is putting together the paperwork for our new mortgage today. Even though I've bought two houses--and am buying a third and am selling one concurrently--I have never done any of the admin legwork because Dominic handles it all. He basically just briefs me throughout the process. I know what's going on, but I don't have to do it myself.

You might be reading this and thinking this is bad. It means I trust that Dominic is being above board about every single financial decision he makes. Because he could easily do things that I would never be aware of. This works for me and it works for our marriage, because I do trust that he will run major financial decisions by me first*, but I don't think it's a generally good plan for most people. And maybe not even for me.

*One time he did not do this, and we had a BIG conversation about why that was not okay.

[celiaelise]

Helloooo I have been avoiding posting about this but I think it's reaching a form of denial so I figured I'd better rip the bandaid off 🙃

I got fired the weeks ago!! I am now unemployed!

I'm pretty bummed about it. I liked my workplace a lot, and I liked most of the people I worked with a lot, too! There are several people I've become pretty good friends with, and, while some have shown a willingness to continue being friends, I know it won't be at all the same as casually seeing them at work several times a week.

Finances are a concern, but not a huge concern. I have a little bit of savings, and my family helps me out when I need it. (I can also probably get unemployment if I ever get around to applying for it)

That does bring me to what is possibly the most stressful part of this for me right now, which is that I still haven't told any of my family. At one point, a few months ago, I mentioned to my dad that I'd been written up for attendance, and he was basically like, "yeah, you should stop being late. There's literally no benefit to being late." Which is so frustrating, because obviously i KNOW THAT!!!! I don't have poor attendance because I think it's cool and fun and good!! In fact, almost every shift I was late to or missed, I was hating myself for it the whole time it was happening. So, yeah, I'm pretty sure he's gonna ask what happened, and, if I decide to answer honestly, I'll have to try an explain how sometimes I just do no-call/no-shows in accident, by, like, oversleeping by a LOT, and then lying in bed for six hours, thinking about how I need to get up and get dressed, or, at the very least, call in to say I can't make it, but not doing either of those things because anxiety and executive dysfunction have me by the throat.

And then he's not really going to understand, and it's going to be horribly, horribly awkward and embarrassing. He's consistently demonstrated throughout my life a lack of sympathy for people who struggle with mental illness, or who deems unintelligent. Though it seems like his fatherly love historically overrides such biases, it's still, like, not encouraging. Also I admit that I have an inflated sense of the importance of my father's opinion, but also he, like, pays my bills, so.

My mom's a little less complicated in that my reasons for not wanting to tell her this are the same as for not wanting to tell her most things about myself that I withhold: she always does too much, and she'll remember it forever.

I feel like the best case scenario is that everyone agrees Elise is Unwell and Needs Help, which sounds unbearable and idk how productive help would even be from that quarter.

Anyway, I was gonna say more about this topic, and I'm sure I will later, but I'm getting tired lol. But hopefully, now that I've broken the seal, it will be easier to vent about it here.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

I wrote something for my Georgian Body Hopper Elias and XXI century Beholding upstart employee Jonah AU:

When asked how did he manage to get promoted to head of the an academic institute - normally with some rude intonation that was clearly insinuating his lack of competency - Elias Bouchard would use his amazing bullshiting talents to make a passionate speech about how behind his lax posture he had a firm work ethic and a knack for both the supernatural and finances. In reality it was mostly the fact that by trying to prevent him from “walking with the wrong crowd” his father had in actuality throwed him directly into the worst influences and what should be another vain attempt to impress the old man - and maybe have some secret quick fuck before he had to finally fold into an arranged marriage that luckily never came - only caused his downfall into a terrible cruel worship. 

Years ago. Before fear took him down Elias Bouchard was not a curious man. He was on the other hand a truly adaptable man and one that liked to experiment more than most, he also has always been a coward. Too afraid of being the only one left as all his friends falled one way or the other to malicious gods and as Robert failed, he realized he too needed to choose divinity. He looked for the less violent options and since he really disliked loneliness to the point of getting himself into this situation to begin with… He had no choice but to choose the Eye,

There was a reason that even though he was one of the oldest avatars he and his Institute were still mostly sawn as a joke (or a threat but the last was all thanks to Gertrude). He was faithful to his god but also terrified of it and the fates worse than death Beholder must grant to his failed followers (Albretch and the eyes everywhere come to mind). So he watched, he did nothing to protect his friends, unsure he even could, as he observed every aspect of their demise and he kept watching. In the better days he was truly grateful to his patron, in the worst he would consider death, still he clingled to the only life he knew, going between bodies and sometimes choosing the type of unknown person he could just pass his old name to.  

Still he would say that all of his victims - including the ones whose body he stole - were an accident, a weed induced trip or just a bolt of having a paranoia evil god living rent free insise his head. The complicated situation he was in right now was none of it. 

It started with a Lukas. 

Elias truly hated the Lukases. Alas he needed them for funding, so when Peter Lukas mentioned a new kid that hanged with him and Annabelle and was a truly Eye freak he easily conceded in interviewing the poor sod. The last time Annabelle had given him Jon, someone that the Eye was clearly fond off and hopefully the soon to be solution to Gertrude’s mess, honestly if Jon wasn’t such an active worker - and a handsome one at that - Elias would have thrown him as an assistant and ensure he became Gertrude’s successor soon and by any means necessary, unfortunately doing that would generate a deficit in production and Bouchard, who was never really good with money even as rich man in the georgian era, could not afford to take. Peter mostly only gave him leftovers which all things considered was still really good for a Lukas. 

The first impression he had of the kid was that it made a lot of sense that he knew Annabelle, as both of them clearly had the same vintage clothing sense, the second was that between his plump lips and mid length red hair he was very attractive and would surely be a satisfying meal. His academic credentials were, in Elias' opinion, way too good for the Institute, but most of his employees were in different levels of way too good for this weird dead end job, except the fun nervous wreck in the library that had strayed up lied about everything. He smiled predatorily to his next meal, hiring people was always an acceptable lunch, is not like they wouldn’t have anxiety in a normal job interview anyway, for an instance he saw a flash of terror, the words “the moment you die will feel exactly the same as this one” and then nothing, only static and gray eyes that looked way too old Looking at him, Elias had forgotten he still could be Seen, or maybe hoped he couldn’t, not in any significant way, not besides Jon unconscious slips or Gertrude intimidating stare. He felt true terror in his bones. He could almost see the Beholding saying mine.

“Mr. Bouchard, it is a pleasure to finally meet you.” The young man said politely. “Peter tales don’t get close to the magnificence that is this place.”

“The pleasure is mine” More like Beholding’s, he thought angrily. “Perdon me, I reckon that in the middle of so many applications I forgot your name.” He knew it pretty well. He just needed a moment to compose himself. He was sure there was nothing to worry about, the Eye was satisfied enough with him, he wasn’t perfect but he wasn’t a lost cause… The Eye wouldn’t send another Watcher. Would it?

“Jonah Magnus, sir, but Jonah is good enough.” He was still Watching him. Filling him with dread.

“So Jonah, what makes you want to work at the Bouchard Institute of Paranormal Studies?” 

Magnus smiled. This time not predatorily nor with the subtle look that showed he saw himself as somehow more than Elias, but a truly full wishful smile.

“My God is calling me home.” 

His voice was velvet,  powerful and Elias knew he had to let the boy join, he also knew he had to find a way to deal with it, maybe convince the Beholder of having two Watchers? Or something else. Anything at all. Fast.

A small but still significant part of him considered that maybe he should break his rule and consider murder this time, full murder no excuses. Jonah smilled, suspiciously like he had read Elias mind and found the consideration of murder amusing.

He was completly, undeniably fucked.

[xavierkhalil]

"Financially Insecure, Okay?!"

Ain't shit worse than experiencing financial frustration. Sure, money doesn't bring happiness, but it sure does help solve problems. I think what's most annoying is the fact that I am making more money than I ever have before, but I barely get to see it last long OR save any of it. Whatever is saved usually is shelled out to pay bills. Gotta love being paid semi-monthly...

Lately, my mood has been influenced by my finances, and that is an unpeaceful feeling. Like I am only at ease when the check hits, and then immediately on edge once I have to pay bills or look at how much I will have left over, which is not a lot. It's also upsetting when you keep having to spend money that you don't have. I just am in a constant mode of anxiety. It's an irritating feeling because I did not want my life to end up like this. I've seen this too many times growing up, and now I feel like I am repeating the same cycle.

That is what is most upsetting. To feel like you're failing your inner-child. That i...I can't even finish the thought. I try to be positive, but how can I be. I have a degree and I feel like my income does not show that. My lifestyle gives the illusion, and I am sick of living in that! And I feel like jobs that incorporate where I can show my skills are far and few between. Don't even get me started on searching for a part time job! It's like I'm too qualified, they don't need the help, or my availability becomes an issue for whatever reason.

I am just tired of being broke. I am tired of feeling like I'm poor. I am tired of having to make my money stretch or patiently wait until pay day. I'm not tryna be out here ballin' but I am trying to experience some level of comfort, and I am sick of feeling like that's a luxury for rich white people or niggas with some generational wealth. I am sick of this. It sincerely breaks my heart. And, don't even get me started on the motherfuckers well-off enough, whether they had humble beginnings or not, who don't understand and barely respect your financial situation. It's when I am around these people I begin to feel even smaller.

I know my worth is not determined by how much I make. This is not what this is about. It's about feeling stuck no matter how much you achieve or whatever the income is. It's about having responsibilities and only being able to support the responsibilities and less of the dreams and aspirations that your heart desperately desires. God didn't put humans on this Earth just to pay bills, taxes and then go on to Glory. That is not the plan!! At least not for me.

Right now I am surviving. Just surviving. I am not experiencing. I barely feel like I'm thriving. I am hardly living. But survival? Oh, I am that bitch's best friend, but she is not mine. Survival mode is a constant state of anxiety and depression. It's a constant reminder that you are in an uncomfortable situation, and that no matter how much you want a break, that luxury is an unaffordable one. And, don't try to rush it, because it always seems farther than closer when I do that. I have learned to enjoy the journey, but this part here is miserable. The only silver lining I can find is that this is a temporary situation that feels like will last my whole life. I am not trying to rush anything, but in the words of Issa from Insecure...