#i have so much venting i could do about this shit lol
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i Love pkmn but i love it as a worldbuild. when i play the game its just bc i like exploring the world and the critters. and i feel like everyone else who likes pkmn are all ppl who Love the games and competitive parts of it. so i feel a little embarrassed about not being a game-lover and competition-lover... i simply enjoy the world and the silly creatures 😭😭
#i dont talk about pkmn very much outside of this space and even here i just talk abt Guz mostly#bc i always worry ppl are going to think im silly (derogatory) for not being a proper gamer fjdkdl#when i was a kid i was able to remember the pkmn names a lot more and i probably could've learned the type matchups#but i didnt have a chance to play the games (bc of abuse and misogyny lol) so i couldn't like... learn stuff as a kid when i actually-#-had a functional memory still 😭😭 once i hit 15 i started losing my memory capabilities#and i only started playing a little bit when i was 16 so rest in shit LOL#(also the misogyny thing is just that my brothers were allowed to play video games but i wasnt bc i was a girl lmfao)#I JUST FEEL EMBARRASSED i wish i could be a Gamer™ but I'm just. not good at it.#i Could be good if i rly put in a bunch of effort but like... i got better things to do and things i care about more sbdjdkl#AUUUGHHH sorry for this im just embarrassed all of a sudden abt this djfkdl#and also worry that ppl are going to expect me to be Good at this or smth but yall im rly not fjdkdl i just sort of brute force my way thru#all the battles and everything fnfkdl i use almost No strategy fjdkdl i prefer offensive moves over defensive moves even#its just... im not good at this stuff dhdkdl#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe#vent //
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said “there there buddy” like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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just saw your recent post. the grief is hard and i feel the same way. i could just be carrying on with my day but i get reminded that he’s gone and all the anger, sadness, and guilt rushes in.
while i never knew him personally and i am a fan of his, i would like to think that he would want everyone to remember him in his happiest moments. that brings me comfort. it’s easier said than done but i believe we can eventually get to a point where we can celebrate his life and art. we can keep his legacy alive by talking about him in every context. i just hope he and his family find peace in all of this.
(this was also me venting too lol sorry)
I really appreciate you responding to my post, I was not expecting anyone to cause I was venting in the tags but I've always loved having anons in my inbox in general but also helping us all during this awful time.
But yea, I agree with you. I'll be going about my normal fucking day and doing what I need to do to move forward in my life and then have it hit me that this guy that impacted me, even tho I didn't know him, died and I'll never get to see him make an impact or grow from the pains he was dealing with at the moment.
And I do agree, he would be so fucking pissed we were being sappy and sad all the time and a bit embarrassed and yet geeked at the outpouring of love for him. I do feel like I can say I'm happy to have gotten to the point in my grieving that I've accepted what's happened and yet I can't say I do accept it... grief over a celebrity is tough and the parasocial relationship doesn't help either.
TLDR: I'm still here, I still grieve Angus and will for a long time, and idk where I'm gonna go with this account, my writing, etc.
#will i find something to write fanfic about in the future? maybe (and this sounds so fucking self absorbed and making it all about me)#at this moment will I write fexi? idk man (damn do i sound narcissistic)#i wish i could i loved writing them but after my last fic i have had no inspo and was waiting for s3 to get new inspo#but god... life is a bitch#and it takes the wrong people at the wrong time leaving an absence in place#it fucking sucks#and the worst part is i didnt fucking know him#but i do know he really would appreciate everyone (the fans public etc) talking about how much they loved him and a bit embarrassed lol#so yea#that's what im feeling#but yea as ive said before if you ever wanna hit up my inbox to shoot the shit vent whatever do it
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im just really fucking tired of feeling like im always scrambling against the edge of shit, and not knowing whether its because of brain issues or what fucking ever or behavior i can fix if i just commit to fixing it. god. fuck. i really fucking need adderall.
#my consult for a consult basically said that if i went through the schools service i might not get an appointment til march#so im gonna talk it over with my parents next week and see if we can do it offcampus. i really dont know how to do the logistics of it all.#but i legitimately cant keep living like this.#im stressed and constantly miserable and embarrassed and i should probably talk to someone abt thoughts of self-loathing lol.#probably not helped by the fact that im extremely isolated. so you know. if i could fix just one thing about my life thatd be pretty cool.#sorry im tired and angry at myself i know nobodys going to get made for me venting on my own blog (except me) but still#fuck meeeee and i still have so much shit to do im so stressed and in a hell of my own making
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mcd aaron as a character frustrates me SO MUCH BC HES A GOOD CHARACTER IN THEORY BUT KNOWING HOW HE ENDS UP,,, WHAT HE ENDS UP BEING IS SO AHGHHH
i REALLY hate how they dumb down the characters in mystreet, like. i understand that mystreet is SUPPOSED to be a lihht hearted slice of life (at least, at the beginning. i don’t even wanna TOUCH myst s4-6) but REGARDLESS THE FACT THAT SO MANY CHARACTERS GET DUMBED DOWN IS SO FRUSTRATING BC THEYRE SO GOOD IN MCD.
katelyn, garroth, laurance, aaron,, aaron is especially frustrating bc i REALLY don’t like aarmau. i never have, and the fact that it essentially DOMINATES mcd/myst at a certain point is annoying. also the fact that he’s so mysterious and cryptic in mcd is SO COOL but then he only turns out to be some guy. GOD. i hate this stupid show.
then again i am only going off of what i remember, which is from when the episodes originally came out YEARS ago. i could toootally be wrong about a lot of stuff since im nowhere NEAR being done with mcd but still its nice to vent (currently on s2 ep24 as of me writing this)
#lowkey i dont wanna tag this post w stuff that will reach wider audiences bc rlly its just me venting but#ughhh idk. dont rb? i dont think this is reblog worthy in the slightest lol i just need to SCREAM#and like i said i could be wrong about SOOO many things but who cares its my mcd side acc i can do whatever and being wrong is fine lmao#its not like im spreading misinfo or anything bc i KNOW its true lol#anyway.#idk how many ppl read my tags but this doesnt rlly deserve a post of its own#i dont think ill be continuing the chibis as much as id love to lol#the zoeymau post got SO much attention and im forever grateful for that but im starting school soon and wont have time to draw for a while#i’ll still post obviously lol im not planning on going on hiatus again i promise#but idk i cant promise to post EVERYDAY bc homework n shit lol. also i dont always feel like watching mcd bc SHITS DRAINING AS HELL and also#i tear up every few mins bc of nostalgia LMFAOOO okay ill shut up now haha#ashe.txt
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Poked my head into some of @mysticdragon3md3′s thoughts regarding popularity with DimiClaude fanon and am happy to say I’m here to Talk (tee em).
I also saw the post from the user saying why they were falling out of love for the ship, and... yeah. The people they’re talking about, the generalized group of people who do certain things, definitely bother me as well.
I love that you pointed out Claude is not flirty and is just playful. It’s not the DimiClaude fandom alone unfortunately with that though - it’s the entire fanbase that views him as a flirt. And, according to Twitter, a slut. Yeah. Yeah. I know what they... “mean”... but it is still not him.
Them being annoyed with each other is also fanon and a very strange one. Never in Houses did Dimitri come across as being annoyed or bothered by him. In fact, they have friendly banter! Dimitri doesn’t get specifically exasperated at Claude, but that’s just more so how he is as a person and he sometimes doesn’t understand playfulness. That said, he does not berate Claude the way he berates others. There’s one instance I can think of where he berated Claude and that was in the DLC when they were talking to Aelfric for the first time.
In Hopes, same deal in AG. In fact, he’s quite fond of Claude in AG. GW itself was a well discussed mess in a lot of ways, and even then as a ship they didn’t have a lot of negativity. If nothing else it was an odd opposite, because even as enemies when Claude admitted he couldn’t defeat Dimitri alone, Dimitri just basically laughed, smirked and walked away. That’s like... the worst of their relationship in GW and it’s extremely mellow.
I think part of the problem some dmcl fans are facing are the fanon version of the ship rather than what they’re like in canon. It is definitely true that part of the dmcl fandom has absolutely warped the ship into being something it really isn’t and never was in canon. There’s also this whole thing about Dimitri being the dominant, feisty one with Claude being the uwu blushy one and it’s just... not them. Not as a pair canonically, and not individually. When Dimitri gets “dominant”, he’s, uh, not in a good mental state. It’s a mental illness that makes him like that and personally I’ve never appreciated seeing people use it for a kink for a ship. Normally I’d say people can like what they want, but I get the feeling a lot of dmcl fans have absolutely pushed their views onto others and driven fans away.
I will also say have absolutely, 150% come across those kinds of fans. The ones who refuse to listen to anyone else, but if your headcanons don't vibe with them then you’re just completely “wrong”. Not only do they portray the canon characterization poorly if portraying it at all, but they tend to also bring it down a racist route, which is... beyond ironic considering they should be the last ship that deals with that based on their characters and stories.
Engage kinda went wonky with a good few things regarding the previous lords, so I don’t see Dimitri being like that as some kind of definite canon. Actually, even in Heroes their interactions are friendly and calm. The “worst” banter they had was their swim alts, while on the opposite end we have the brave alts who apparently hang out together outside of the castlegrounds, and for so long that they can’t be of any help in a search for someone (which like lol how long you gotta be gone to have no idea and can’t help at all lmao).
I think people see outside-Houses canon scenes like those and just... decide it’s their actual canon. Dimitri is not, in any way, actually mean to Claude in canon. That is unfortunately a very popular fanon. In Houses especially, when Dimitri doesn’t know Claude well in the mock battle he’s more like ummm hey Claude your defenses are open what are you even doing, more than being like ugh Claude you’re so annoying. In the real version of that mock battle though, a good few months had passed and their battle quotes are significantly more approachable and they clearly have respect for each other. Dimitri knows Claude likes to fuck around and be goofy sometimes, and he picked up on that and played along with it in the JP version (in the English version he simply picks up on it, but there’s no anger whatsoever and it’s just more oh okay I get it).
As far as Engage goes, ultimately I just see it more as an extremely condensed version of their mannerisms, and yes, they for some reason, especially in the localized versions, try to keep up the whole rival shtick when Dimitri never even felt that way about Claude, and he never gets truly annoyed at Claude. Ffs, in canon Dimitri literally drops everything after retaking his home from the Empire/TWS, and runs to go save Claude. Literally. The next day. While Claude is a little tsun about it (!), Dimitri is just “come on let’s go hurry hurry no slowing down pick up the pace we are saving Claude”, and that’s basically him the entire chapter except with the Arundel specific stuff. When he talks to Claude one on one, there is literally not a single shred whatsoever in any plausible way or in any damn universe any tension from Dimitri to Claude. He just wants to know he’s okay and relaxes once he knows Claude isn’t hurt. I mean literally, no, like... that’s them, in canon, in their Natural Habitat together and I have no fucking clue how the portrayal of them in fanon got so insanely warped beyond recognition.
Also, Engage kinda dropped the ball with a lot of stuff with the other lords. Hell, they’ve been unable to keep Ike’s character consistent throughout all of his non-canon appearances (Awakening didn’t seem too bad, but Fates was pretty awful for example. They can’t seem to really understand the character they’re writing anymore, and idk if it’s just because the writers have changed and such/aren’t the same as Tellius’ games had, or they just don’t care to keep him consistent).
They also try to make Sigurd sound wise and super helpful in every single solitary iteration of him outside of FE4 which is honestly just obnoxious as fuck lmao. Sigurd was naive, foolish, overly trusting, and far too kind and gentle for his own good. It ultimately was what led to him following orders blindly, having blind faith that his king was righteous and would give him the right orders (without realizing the court was very much in disarray during his absence and with several other prominent court figures away because of the war). Sigurd was too quick to believe in the good in humanity and that things would work out, and it led to him not realizing how wrong he was until it was way too late and he had to take shelter in a foreign country to avoid having to fight the same people’s armies who had the court’s ear.
Basically Sigurd is nothing like they write him to be in every. single. solitary. iteration. outside of FE4.
(SPOILER here just in case you care lol. Or anyone who is reading this. Or if you’re someone who somehow does not know about the biggest known spoiler in the whole game) He has one little section of potential dialogue (i.e. it’s triggered by a very specific condition) that shows somehow ghosty Sigurd has grown more wise and understanding ??? while being dead ??? and somehow learned while being dead that the world do be full of grief and Stuff. (END SPOILER)
So they pretty much took like, two lines of dialogue from FE4 and made it Sigurd’s entire fucking character forever in every single game he’s been in since. If nothing else, let that be your insight on never to trust content you see outside of a character’s original game. At that point it’s simply fanservice because they don’t even know their own characters. If they wanted to write even a semblance of Actual In Game Sigurd’s Personality And Not Two Lines Of Dialogue That Are Completely Optional And Quite Honestly HIDDEN, it would be very easy and reasonable to do so. They choose not to, and then we get what they did with Houses’ lords.
Another portrayal I see too often is that Dimitri and Claude... argue??? I won’t lie, their Heroes summer alts was the very first time they even seemed to “argue”, and it was mostly just goofy nonsense that means nothing because they’re literally alts in swimsuits, and it wasn’t really them being vicious at each other. Meanwhile in canon, they’re always very calm and able to talk through their problems - even in fucking Hopes in the GW route. Even in the worst possible circumstances for them to be in, that is, as enemies, they were still able to talk it through. Barring Claude’s written in idiocy so he could be a mouthpiece for Edelgard and do her bidding by invading the Kingdom (which was literally nothing but plot convenience because Actual Claude would’ve reasoned his way out of doing that), even in the worst possible situation, they still called a truce and still worked things out verbally, calmly and peacefully.
Point being, this whole cat fight dmcl portrayal isn’t even remotely close to their canon selves, and normally I’d say, you know, like what you want and enjoy your ships how you want... but it’s pretty much almost entirely the people who view the ship that way that uh, attack people who don’t agree with them or insult them/laugh at them for seeing the ship differently. These are the people who make you feel bad, for enjoying a fictional ship of two pixelated characters kissing, because you don’t like the concepts in their head more than the way you’ve interpreted the canonical characters.
To be totally frank, I have a visceral hatred for the fanon portrayal of dmcl because it makes Dimitri out to be terrible and makes Claude some kind of punching bag for Dimitri in various forms. There comes a point where it’s like, you ship something and then there’s the point where you ship two characters you made up in your head, who aren’t the same characters you first started to ship, because you’ve warped them so extensively that they became nothing but a person’s OCs with their faces and some similar backstory elements at best.
#DCB Comments#not sure what else to put this as but yeah... the dmcl fandom is not that large tbh and#what it does have is extremely divided and a lot of the fans can be completely ignorant of how poorly they handle Claude#especially in a franchise that already poorly handled him re: Hopes#but also I know exactly the kind of people you're talking about... and they're also hypocrites so.#they're the ones who shit on others for having different views of the same ship and decide you are inarguably ''wrong'' for your takes#also mind you if you call 'em out for that they get uwu mad and it spirals from there bc then they gotta vent to their#uwu friends who do the exact same things they do. can you tell I'm literally speaking from actual experience?! :D#like yeah I get it... a lot of the dmcl fandom in particular is gross about Claude#I personally prefer Dimitri as a character for a lot of reasons but when I began shipping them I didn't love Claude /as/ much as now#shipping them got me to look more into Claude as a person and I started loving him more as well#thanks to loving this ship I got to know him more and understand him more /and/ that made me love the ship more#also like it's one thing to have AUs and modern AUs in fics and stuff... bur just don't do... you know... things worth side eying#also if you have to change the dynamic of the ship to make it how you like it then you... probably don't actually like the ship itself#it's the same as with people warping characters to create a personality put onto a face#it's what a lot of Edel stans even do. they make up who they want her to be instead of seeing her for who she is#and they like the made up version of her more than the actual version so in that sense they don't really like who she is in the canon#not all of them are like that and some DO like her for who she is (which could be... arguably WORSE in her case lol)#but it's the same thing with ships. they alter the dynamic and just want to use the pretty faces#which by itself would be fine ig. confusing af to me but fine. not fine anymore though when it starts becoming an actual fandom problem#ppl take ''fandom drama' too lightly most often imo. I don't think ppl realize this kind of bullying over the internet#has a lasting impact and that seeing words on a screen doesn't make them any better or worse than how they'd be irl#in a sense it makes it more cowardly if anything bc ppl fear no repercussions for what they say :/
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Even when they ask, venting to people makes me feel like a tar pit lol
#E asked like what's up i havent seen u in years u never come when we gather like are u Ok#n i was thinking for so long like a way to explain without burdening them but also not seem like making generic excuses..#and after thinking for so long and not liking anything i was too tired to be coherent#so I just started writing.. and ended up venting without even asking if it was ok in 34 fucking messages lol#dropped as much as i could think of. cried in the bathroom for a while. played it cool in the gc#genuinely feel like concrete shoes on everyones feet every time i speak to anyone specifically my friends#like yeah friends r there to support u n shit but like. im well aware of how terribly tiring it gets when someone only#opens their mouth to vent lol#worrying about worrying them only adds to my worries. do you see my point#vent#personal#it is not only a chore and a pain (and a source of worries) to them but also to me#so they can like. pretend it's not happening. or keep poking to try and help. or silently slide off like w C#but idk which one would hurt less lol#even here w how often i vent i feel like yall see these type of post and just go ''ah. bottomless pit of despair again. dear god''#and that's not like. being unking towards yall. i get tired of /having/ to vent this much lol it is a lil freeing but#freeing like putting off a lil of the fire that is burning you alive is freeing. id much rather not have been on fire from the beginning yk
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explained autism poorly today. will never recover from this
#it was to a very close friend so im not super worried abt it#we were just discussing reasons why therapy/getting an autism diagnosis was difficult and she asked me how i knew at first#and rather than giving the real examples and evidence i have i nervously gave conjecture bc we haven't ever really talked abt it before#again she's a very good friend of mine but. man do i feel stupid lol#instead of explaining masking and my raads-r score and what that means and how it affects me i talked abt shit i barely even remember#like girl. you better not fuck it up like this when you're actually trying to get a diagnosis lmao i swear to god#im being sort of silly but im also actually extremely disappointed in myself that ive done this much research#and at the first question i stumbled so hard that i was like. telling a story rather than giving evidence#its not like i cant rectify it like it isnt as if we'll never talk abt it again but#ugh#i need to learn how to slow down and pick my words without getting nervous about the silence/the wait#or i could die. that would solve it pretty quickly i think#vent#sorry
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chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it
#due to long covid or possibly weed usage or a mixture honestly still very unsure#i was incredibly nauseous pretty much constantly and would be sick daily for weeks at a time#that lasted like a year i still get flare ups of that if i over exert myself but it’s like basically fine now#but now i have disease that makes me nauseous and throw up and im like. okay 👍#this doesn’t feel like big enough of a problem#like those are my main symptoms but it feels like they’re meaningless bc ive had this just normally before#i haven’t been able to eat or even drink really without feeling or being sick#hoping i wont vomit again tonight almost every time ive eaten since yesterday i have and i had dinner like an hour ago#sorry so fucking tmi i feel really weird talking to anyone about this but i feel like i need to bc ??? fucked up idk#really fucking dehydrated also which is helping me not be sick but i think is giving me more of a headache#i have bad health ocd stuff also so i keep thinking im faking for various reasons anyways#i feel like thinking about this is going to make it reality even though i start thinking about it bc im feeling it#i keep trying to just make myself normal and not experience any of these symptoms bc i feel like i can control it (i cannot)#it’s only with nausea stuff bc it all surrounds emetophobia i know i can’t like stop a sore throat or something but this comes out of me#i could just not#sorry for talking way too in depth about my diseased body and mind#i had a super strong stomach as a kid like went 7 years or something without vomiting and then this shit started idk if the way i do it is#normal??? like this sounds so stupid but i feel like im subconsciously forcing it to happen bc idk how it’s supposed to be and it doesn’t#feel as bad as it should be#i think the fact it’s happening at all is bad but it feels like im being overdramatic#anyways yeah ive been feeling like shit lol i hate this stuff bc while i have the actual physical stuff i also start getting ten billion#mental problems about it as well#emetophobia#vent
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so august 2018 is when my peak being-crazy-made art craziness happened, huh
#and then as soon as i left that situation all of my art became normal again lmao#i went from drawing weird cryptic things that quite literally would only ever make sense to me#to just. drawin landscape stuff like normal again sdhvfdvghsd#i mean there a couple cryptic things here n there after but like. not nearly as cryptic at all. like you could p much easily make out what#is trying to be conveyed. the other shit is like. nothing. you couldn't understand unless I had to explain everything that happened#gotta say guys doing shrooms and being abused do not mix well at all#bc when im not being abused and im on shrooms shit is great. im feeling lit. all i wanna do is draw nature stuff#but that moment in my life? phew...#vent#i literally thought I died. like i literally thought I wasn't actually alive and I was in some mirror version of earth that was the#underworld-- so much happened. its kind of distressing to think about all the weird fucking visions i got#and its not even like it was always like that when I did shrooms with that person- initially in the love-bombing phase I was fine.#all of my art from then looks pretty fuckin normal save for ig more colorful stuff and trippy patterns or whatever. but otherwise fine#if anything it enhanced my art#its only after the gaslighting and the putting me down and the withdrawing love shit started happening that i just like. snapped.#idek. it was all so surprising to me because they really did convince me they loved me.#not only all of that abuse-- also the enabling my conspiracy theory brain too which didn't help#which ironically my art didn't have much do to with actual conspiracy theories but the mindset was implemented in to me so#there was a lot of weird delusions and paranoia and just like. stuff that didn't make sense but also did if I explained it?? idek#there was like a consistent story to my weird visions but it didn't make sense also. like there was no real reason for things to be what#they were or look the way they did or whatever#but there Was a consistent story still#its something i *want* to encapsulate into maybe a comic or picture book or something but like. idek if i could encapsulate it all#theres so many bits and pieces that idek if i could fully convey- idk#dawg even my stuff from after my couple of 'acid' trips wasn't as confusing and cryptic as the stuff after being abused#one common theme in a lot of it is its intentionally repelling. every part of my being knew I needed to be away from that person in spite#of how they would pretend to be friendly with me so some of that art is trying to scare them away in a weird cryptic way that tbfh#they probably didn't understand either whenever a pic was trying to do that like what it even was trying to say- thats kinda how fucking#crazy i got from that whole situation. i think part of me felt like that at least if it was vague and unhinged that it would scare them#away idrk. i do think it worked lol. even if it doesnt really fully make sense at all. idk. but 0/10 one of the worst periods of my life
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advil not kicking in :) not sure what I was expecting tbf but it’s not like I can tell my ob-gyn that I need stronger meds and have her *listen* to me
#I told her that i regularly get 10/10 pain just from period cramps and have significant bleeding n she was just like. “ok but have you tried#TWO Advils?”#so I tried that. Didn’t work. She prescribed *three* advils#that also obviously didn’t work#then she suggested increasing amount of dosages (as opposed to the dosage itself) which is *currently* not working#and it’s fucking dangerous longterm. and because I have *at least* 10 day long periods and I already am prescribed nsaids for my#various chronic pains it is so much more horrid for my body but I have yet to have a doctor prescribe me anything but nsaids#which is also pretty funny for my nerve pain because it takes a simple google search to see that nsaids usually don’t affect nerve pain muc#i hate the medical system#vent#vent in tags#also bonus: she diagnosed me with pcos but didn’t put it on my medical record (saying “🥺🥺 but you’re so young 🥺🥺 we can’t diagnose you#for another few years” then kept extending the amount of years needed for a proper diagnosis)#and she’s not REFUSING to do any tests otherwise I’d tell her to document her refusal but she’s still being generally unhelpful#what’s worse is that I do get the sense that she cares about me *as a person*. like she sees a person who is suffering and feels empathy fo#me but she doesn’t care about me *in a professional manner*#like idk I’m glad she cares that i’m suffering I wish she would do the steps of helping me through it (as I am paying her to do)#I could switch but there’s a lot of complications there cuz there’s a lot of shit goin on lol
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vent below so dont feel like you have to read this 👍i simply have no where else to put this bc i dont want to Bother My Friends
god i wish i could just kill myself but i like. cant. there's too much stopping me. but i dont want to do anything anymore. i dont want to deal with this constant misery of being trapped in a brain with a death wish hellbent on making me want to die horrifically. i wish people just hated me outright so i had a good excuse to just call it quits on life and die
#blaire.txt#vent#suicide tw#suicidal ideation tw#suicide cw#suicidal ideation cw#i like playing games but literally everything besides that just feels pointless. i want to draw but like. its miserable.#even creating stories is stressful now because nothing i can come up with is even the slightest bit original#its all just utter garbage. i want to give up. i dont want to deal with this shit#please god just hate me already. i wish everyone just wanted me to die#so i could. so i could just lay down and never get up. i hate working i hate having to take care of myself i hate doing anything#i hate living in this house i hate the way ive become! i wish i wasnt so demotivated and lazy! i miss being able to DO THINGS!#but at this point im 17 and still an absolute fucking failure who just lives to disappoint . i want to kill myself but i cant#i dont know why people even care about me. because im really a terrible friend#every time i read past conversations ive had with people i want to die because im just so unlikeable i DONT GET why people stick around#im not mad at anyone but myself here. i just wish i was better. and not a total waste of space.#i want to die! i want to die! i want to die!!!#ugh its like i feel these things but also i feel nothing. like im empty. this is all my genuine thoughts and im losing it but also i feel s#disconnected from all of this#i feel so much yet so little. lol im truly just fucked up huh#whatever#im really sorry to be a bother#i really am i just have nowhere to go#and i dont want to bother my friends ig#repetition cw#repetition#repetition tw
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:D
#I need to. APPRECIATION POST FOR MY BFF#who I love very much#and doesn’t have tumblr so I’ll gush here lol#I think the root of a lot of my problems with former friends boils down to them not having similar lived experiences as me#no idpol but tbh it does not lend them to having as much of a potential to really empathize with me and understand my individual struggles#to be quite frank it REALLY boils down to white friends with their white fragility and virtue signaling#who just cannot be bothered to do something with their privilege when the time comes for them to make a choice that impacts the rest of us#because suddenly they don’t want to rock the boat or get involved in an argument or ohhh it’s just so complicated and confusing :///#where did your punch a nazi energy go? all of your posturing and self proclaimactions of allyship were ultimately bullshit get over yourself#okay enough venting let’s get to the point: it is so refreshing beyond words to have another Indigiqueer who you can trust#and who can intimately fathom all of this frustration I have had to deal with…#I have always gotten on well with other first gen immigrants but that does not mean we have the same experiences beyond a surface level#we’re both autistic similar interests similar politics even similar experiences with wrestling historical/colonial identity#bff is even vegan and we always talk about cooking our precolonial dishes for one another since they are usually plant based :D#mutual and intense hatred of spain and france as colonial powers is cathartic too and idk just so interesting to see how it has left a mark#on both of our cultures in very similar ways despite being otherwise pretty different and an entire ocean away… sad that many things we have#in common are results of having the same colonizers… okay I said I wouldn’t VENT DAMN!!! anyway I feel understood completely#and it’s super AWESOME and we spend lots of time together every day and broo healthy communication and boundaries for once in my life!!!!#former friends could never holy shit… we can trust each other with anything and it’s so great and conversation is effortless stress free#bff feels the same way and tells me all the time it makes me so :D!!! also my bff is super smart and I’m always learning new things#I think I always missed out on the best friend experience bro let’s not even get into the first and only one prior… but THIS. yep this is it#the fact that we both already agreed on so many things and shared so many interests upon the first few conversations was unbelievable lucky#divine intervention or something because I never go out of my way to make friends and poof. new friend starts talking to me out of nowhere#I love my best friend!!! sorry if you’re a yt who truly puts in the effort but the bar has been drastically raised#I’m no longer settling for mediocre white people who look to me for validation get your ass out of here for REAL I’m SICK of y’all 💀💀💀💀💀#genuinely fuck you get out of my sight I do not have the patience any longer! btw any of my current white friends reading this ur cool dw 👍#if you weren’t cool you’d be gone long before this dissertation lol…#feeling so honored and thankful every day :) really really happy :D I hope everyone like me feeling isolated and alone right now finds#someone like this! mind blowing how I stayed sane in the past having been surrounded by unsavory characters sheesh…#ven talks
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