#sorry im tired and angry at myself i know nobodys going to get made for me venting on my own blog (except me) but still

[tamaharu]

im just really fucking tired of feeling like im always scrambling against the edge of shit, and not knowing whether its because of brain issues or what fucking ever or behavior i can fix if i just commit to fixing it. god. fuck. i really fucking need adderall.

[4thbrighteststar]

I wish I could listen to in between gracie abrams but it makes me genuinely actually sick to my stomach nauseous

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[valyrra]

Hi! Anon 🐈‍⬛ here, I need some advice, I'm going insane. I live in an opressive family, they behave like I'm not a person and they love to shut me up all the time when I have to say anything and even then they don't listen to what I have to say. They say that's because I don't have a job... (They love mentioning I'm jobless even though they KNOW about my state of mind)

I'm extremely depressed and scared to meet other people because of negative experiences. They conditioned me to stay silent and listen, but after years of silence I got sick of it and got more argumentative. For example: father (who is so obsessed with eating healthy that he made it everyone's problem) today made so much drama because we drank a sweet drink. He told us that it's deadly and told mother that she is the worst mother and started insulting her. It is not the first time he's doing this, he and her (sometimes) make us feel bad about eating something ("You will get cancer from it", "It's deadly", "You're going to get even more fat"), essentially shaming us for eating the food. We are not rich, we can't afford the "healthy" food and we live in a country that has food standards, we can't die from eating food or drinking a drink.

It was a lime flavoured powder that dissolves in water that you drink. It was a looooooooong time since we drank anything like that. He was very agressive about it and I'm on my second day of period so guess what happened. I got angry and told him what his problem is (we have been eating tasteless food for years because of his "Salt is death" (his words), he's obsessed with nutrients, TikTok recipes, and shoving his opinion on food and politics down everyone's throat) and mother and brother started shouting at me (brother insulted me as well) while he ate his lunch at peace. It's a constant cycle that never stops, he starts drama and threatening abuse, I intervene sick of his behaviour, they insult me, shut me up and it is peaceful until this cycle begins again for YEARS...

It was always like that, but since COVID it's getting worse and worse (there were times I almost k*lled myself from the stress), I have nobody to talk to...

He also almost k*illed us because of toilet paper on brother's 18th birthday, I had a horrible mental breakdown and was laughing and crying the whole time. My mental heath is so horrible that when I'm having a breakdown I start laughing (unfortunately like Joaquin Phoenix's Joker). Therapists are not that trustworthy because the one I had told mother about our sessions (what I said in them) and I stopped trusting them. People are snitches around me ready to tell any secret I have to other people. My trust has been broken so many times...

I'm telling you this because we are moots and you've been so kind to me even though we don't communicate much, however, you liking some of my posts and replying to my comments make my day.

I'm afraid to speak about this publicly (from my account).

I'm very very very very sorry for trauma dumping and grammar mistakes, I don't know what to do anymore, maybe I'm beyond saving, it has been going on for years, I'm tired...

Thank you for listening and if you ever need anything, I'll be there for you. I wish you all the best.

Anon 🐈‍⬛.

ok, first of all sorry that I am replying this so late. i'm glad that we are moots and somehow i help your state. don't be sorry for trauma dumping secondly, man, my mental health is like pretty fucked so i'm not sure what kind of advice you want from someone like me…. I'm like legit…….. not sure what can i propose to you besides what helped me to stay alive I've been abusive myself and I still am sometimes. it's kind of hard for me to talk about jobs and ED specifically, but like im not sure what age are you and what country are you in - i would certainly advice you to contact a specialist, even a local hospital (non commercial idk how it works anywhere outside of Russia). and probably its better to not tell anyone + tell the specialist that you'd rather keep this between you two. I've changed like 6-7 psychiatrists. some were bad, some were better. you just need to learn to trust. not all of them are bad Good prescribed meds can stabilize your brain in order not to fall into negative stuff. + somehow keep your nerveous system safer. which IMO is so important? like…. people usually don't realise how many health issues come from stress. from free stuff - sometimes guided meditations help me to relax and prevent incoming anxiety attacks like I think you should bit by bit build your own strength and overcome your fears. there's no one in the world who will make you do this shit, unfortunately. we live in a world where it's not always rainbows and sunshine, but you've been strong enough to live to this moment. i believe you can achieve your independence from your family. my first job was as a waitress and dude I've barely talked with anyone besides customers. only if it was necessary, all because i had like large anxiety and other stuff. it was hard as fuck, I've had drunk shitty customers who touched me and tried to kiss me, i've had a bartender who raised his voice at me like for smallest inconveniences. i had a cook who kept telling me he's going to r* me with his assistant because he was just dissatisfied with my performance lol. but like…… I've also made a great friends and built some social confidence. push yourself, no one will push you… to be independent is kind of a…. solution if you don't trust anyone. I hope you will find your peace.

[borathae]

DONE WITH ANOTHER EXAM u know what that means???

Chapter 34

fuck where is yoongi 😭😭😭kook come to ur senses please

OMG YOONGI wait did he just come because of kook, bruh we could have made out like a week ago 😔✊🏻

omg im so scared and nervous i wanna cry even tho its kook being scolded

NO DONT KILL HIM WTF YOONGI NO

“Thanks, but I can manage myself. I did so splendidly in the last two weeks” fr

He made you believe that he abandoned you. And now he is back. the entire para just summed up what we all felt Your anger feels so misplaced. Yoongi had a lot going on. After a millennia he felt again. He must have been so overwhelmed. Who knows what guilt and pain he went through those past two weeks. that is also true and idk what to feel aaaah feeling the pain of both people. DAMN U JUST PORTRAYED THAT SO WELL AND SUBTLE I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT

Where are those goddamn band aids FUCKING REAL U CAN NEVER FIND IT WHEN U NEED IT and u will find it in the same room, same drawer a week later 🥲

You made him turn his emotions on. It was your fault that he left in the first place. Be angry at yourself, that’s what you should do. its not exactly your fault, just a situation that had to happen

“Stupid bathroom!” you yell, throwing another cabinet closed. #justiceforcabinet2024

wow why is he so chill all of a sudden *trust issues be working on overtime

Is that what Jungkook could have too? 😭😭 yoongi pls dont leave again, i wanna be extra proud of kook

oh kook is sleeping for now (wtf i felt like a mama bird for a second there)

“Yes?” he exclaims, turning around almost excitedly. sir whats going on?? is it the emotions??? omg he is a pookie pls i love him bing bang boong forgiven already, who left for 2 weeks? nobody, idk such a thing

Now that he is so close again, you have forgotten everything you had wanted to tell him. oh it wasnt just me lol

“Doesn’t matter, I’m back now”, OK THATS IT FOLKS HE IS GOING TO LEAVE AGAIN 😭😭😭

oh a new plant 😭

Is he just staring? Oh dear. He is. PLEASE OUR SHY KITTY 😭😭

Oh how excited he sounds without even noticing that he does. 😭😭 do you want all of us to just cry every damn line? cuz u had done it

Yoongi is by your side, pretending to do the same while in reality he was looking at your face the whole time. HA SIMP ALERT (pls simp more we are simping for it)

“It’s not bad”, he agrees. You scoff, “such enthusiasm” Yoongi stumbles after you down the path, grumbling quietly. he is such a tsundere kitty i cant OFC HE LOVES HAND HOLDING NEVER LET GO

They are so bloody tiring” mood but numbness is too scary soo..

“They’re flowers, I don’t see any difference”, he grumbles, I LOVE HIM AND THE WAY YOU WRITE HIM I LOVE THEIR BICKER OVER SORRY HIS GRANDPA RUN AAAAH *watches a compilation

YOONGI BOONGI YAY HE ACCEPTED IT HAHA CUTIE PIE

“Forget it. I didn’t want to do it anyway”, i was cackling until i remembered this is how i act with mom, oh mom im sorry

YAY THEY ARE GOING GROCERY SHOPPING ALL DOMESTIC shit taehyung my baby 😭😭 THE JACKET RAAAAH

damn 1963, my mom wasnt born yet

no yoongi we dont growl here pls *blinks 😃😄😃 🫠 “he’s having a phase, please ignore him.” A PHASE STOP 😭

he is trying his hardest to stifle a laugh. THE JOKE PLS I LOVE HER HAHA guess he is going to have a hard time doing that

WE KISSED IN THE SNOW YIPEE YIPPEEE YIPPEEE YEEHAW HEE HOOO ✨🧚🏻🎆🎇💖😍🤩😻

ACCEPT THE COMPLIMENT YOONGLES YOURE A PRETTY MF GOT IT???

HOLY SHIT IT WAS A SPY DAMN WE JUST SAW A MURDER i literally just shivered

oh this time he answers her questions properly thats a difference hm

WTF OOF DAMN I - (did ever tell u that i love your writing and this bombastic story?)

It is not every day that you watch someone get beheaded or find out that someone wanted to fuck your dead body fr im still shivering and goosebumps are still there.

i love when they do vampire zoom haha

I’ve just lived long enough to have learned the skill.” Tae: 😃 ALSO IM SORRY YOONGI I LOVE THAT YOU CAME BACK but when is tae getting out?? 👉🏻👈🏻 great TAE MY BABY IM SORRY 😭😭 I CANT DO ANYTHING

“Are you manipulating me? she may or may not do that, but can she actually do that to you? yeah she cant so stop saying this

GREAT HE LEFT AGAIN WHERE ARE U NOW

i love when they talk, like everything just gets deeper, both her and him, the plot

OMG YOONGI wait did he just come because of kook, bruh we could have made out like a week ago 😔✊🏻

fjasdjf no he was genuinely in the midst of coming back when he suddenly heard the noises and then just came running 😭

He made you believe that he abandoned you. And now he is back. the entire para just summed up what we all felt Your anger feels so misplaced. Yoongi had a lot going on. After a millennia he felt again. He must have been so overwhelmed. Who knows what guilt and pain he went through those past two weeks. that is also true and idk what to feel aaaah feeling the pain of both people. DAMN U JUST PORTRAYED THAT SO WELL AND SUBTLE I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE IT

NO BUT I AM SO :( FOR BOTH OF THEM :((

You made him turn his emotions on. It was your fault that he left in the first place. Be angry at yourself, that’s what you should do. its not exactly your fault, just a situation that had to happen

the way you can see the learned guilt in her and in everything she does :(

wow why is he so chill all of a sudden *trust issues be working on overtime

I feel like he is just really nervous and trying not to scare her away with too much movement :(((

“Yes?” he exclaims, turning around almost excitedly. sir whats going on?? is it the emotions??? omg he is a pookie pls i love him bing bang boong forgiven already, who left for 2 weeks? nobody, idk such a thing

of course it's the emotions heheh <3 he is in loveeee <3

oh a new plant 😭

HE IS IN LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Is he just staring? Oh dear. He is. PLEASE OUR SHY KITTY 😭😭

I LOVE HIGMMGMGM

Oh how excited he sounds without even noticing that he does. 😭😭 do you want all of us to just cry every damn line? cuz u had done it

jfasdjf me fr fjadsjfa

Yoongi is by your side, pretending to do the same while in reality he was looking at your face the whole time. HA SIMP ALERT (pls simp more we are simping for it)

HE IS SO SWEET AND CUTE AND IN LOVEEEEEE

“It’s not bad”, he agrees. You scoff, “such enthusiasm” Yoongi stumbles after you down the path, grumbling quietly. he is such a tsundere kitty i cant OFC HE LOVES HAND HOLDING NEVER LET GO

no but I love him so much!!!!!!

They are so bloody tiring” mood but numbness is too scary soo..

100% :( gosh my boongie :(

“They’re flowers, I don’t see any difference”, he grumbles, I LOVE HIM AND THE WAY YOU WRITE HIM I LOVE THEIR BICKER OVER SORRY HIS GRANDPA RUN AAAAH *watches a compilation

same same same !!! I love him so much !!!!

damn 1963, my mom wasnt born yet

lmaoa mine was like 2 and my dad 3 kfadkf

no yoongi we dont growl here pls *blinks 😃😄😃 🫠 “he’s having a phase, please ignore him.” A PHASE STOP 😭

THIS IS SO FUNNY TO ME BAHAHHAHAH

he is trying his hardest to stifle a laugh. THE JOKE PLS I LOVE HER HAHA guess he is going to have a hard time doing that

I LOVE HIM HE IS SO IN LOVEE

WE KISSED IN THE SNOW YIPEE YIPPEEE YIPPEEE YEEHAW HEE HOOO ✨🧚🏻🎆🎇💖😍🤩😻

I genuinely love this chapter so much 😭😭

HOLY SHIT IT WAS A SPY DAMN WE JUST SAW A MURDER i literally just shivered

HE IS SO COOL FOR MURDER THOUGH :)

i love when they do vampire zoom haha

lmaooa me

“Are you manipulating me? she may or may not do that, but can she actually do that to you? yeah she cant so stop saying this

I feel like she can JFAJDFJ he is way too smitten for her JFJADSFJ

i love when they talk, like everything just gets deeper, both her and him, the plot

SAME SAME SAME !!!! I LOVE THEMEEEEEE !!

[zelly777]

Innocent victim me [SELF INJURY TW]

Hello there, everyone! I'm Zelena 777, and i don't feel well because goofyahhbambiALR told me a liar about the two haters. As you guys know, the two haters name's MellCoffee and Fck0ffmr14 are banned for insulting me and my girlfriend MariaDragenia. But sometimes, those selfish users are came complaining me that i manipulated her since we forced to deactivate themselves, but i told them: GET OUT, I DIDN'T NOTHING TO THEM, I'M TIRED OF EVERYTHING!!! But they doesn't care, and spammed too much toxic hateful comments on my profile. And those toxic exposers of my name and toxic anti-Zelena haters made too much messy dramas and hate arts about me, because i think nobody has made freeZelena posts who doesn't have much time. Maria and i cried too much and being betrayed by the our fake friends because ImLyn0004 and MeriSaphire3 controlled our friends to cut ties with us and blocking us.

While the 13 toxic selfish brats IstillLazy20, Haydenwolfblade, EdgyCore18, ObjectShowAndFandom, DevaxeniaCrystal, MeriSaphire3, AlexTheCatGirl, Nicol3012, Fashon2026, Grayon11, Churumiii, Dorodvechicon, and C-H4-0-5 are abusing me with sharp weapons for non stop while including Palestine and Hamas support, i screamed and cried in pain until i bleed...!!I'm still sick tired of those stupid users who've done to me like that... I'm bleeding, crying while sitting in dark depression, and some brats saying free Palestine, from the river to the sea Palestine will be free and even more filthy and disturbing things. The angry voices of the haters trapped in my head were those words are red, and it's too much for me, and i couldn't take it anymore...

Oh yeah, before I'm going to make it, i have to say to the 13 toxic selfish exposers of my name and toxic haters that they should know and remember:

I'M NOT A CLOWN OR CRYBABY!!!!!!! I'M NOT ZELENAFINIX OR ZEROLENAFINIX!!!!! I'M NOT ZIONIST!!!!!I'M NOT RETARDED!!!! I'M NOT UGLY!!!! I DIDN'T PUT MY PHONE ON THE BLENDER BECAUSE I KEEP MY PHONE CAREFUL AND ALRIGHT!!!! I DIDN'T ENTER TO THE HAUNTED MANSION!!!!I'M NOT SMELLY, I JUST TAKING A SHOWER EVERYDAY THAT I NEED TO BE CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL!!!! I'M NOT A SL*TTY NEVER DUMPED MY OWN BOYFRIEND FOR A MINOR, CASON, KAI, AND ANCHOR ARE JUST MY FRIENDS!!!! AND I MAKING MY IMPORTANT COMMISSIONS FOR THEM!!!! IM NOT HYPERCRITICAL B*TCH!!! I'M NOT A DEMON!!!!!I'M NOT A TOXIC KAREN ANYMORE!!!!I'M NOT A SL*TTY B*TCH FOR VALENTINO AND CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR!!!!! MY MOM LOVES ME SO MUCH, AND MY GRANDMA TOO!!! I'M NOT EVIL OR POOR ANYMORE, BECAUSE I HAVE EVERYTHING TO CHANGE MYSELF!!! I'M NOT A NEW ZEROFINIX!!!! I'M NOT A TERRIBLE USER!!!! SALLY IS NOT THE NEW ELINA THE BOLDE DAMN HEDGEHOG OR NIGHTMARE SALLY!!!! I CREATED HER IN 2017 FOR 5 YEARS AGO!!!STOP CALLING ME ZEROLENAFINIX RIGHT NOW, I'M SICK OF YOU, BRATS!!!!! AND SHE'S NOT ABUSIVE ANYMORE, BECAUSE YOU INJURED MY OWN INNOCENT CHARACTER SALLY UNTIL SHE BLEEDS!!!! YOU BLAMED ME WILL TOO MUCH LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING I'VE DONE, I'VE DONE NOTHING!!!JUST....STOP.... TORTURING ME!!!! AND STOP SPYING MY SOCIAL MEDIA, ON VK, ON PINTEREST, ON TUMBLR, ON BLUESKY, AND IN GAMEJOLT!!!! STOP KILLING ME ALREADY!!!! I'M TIRED OF YOU ALL!!! PLEASE STOP IT.....!!!

And the 13 haters still doesn't give a trash about what i said. They're just going to celebrate my sacrifice, drinking alcohol with the stupid loud music, cursing and yapping too much liars while being smarty ass for more decades while I'm injured in the darkest depression.I also send a message for Deviantart, right here, where i wrote in russian:Dear DeviantArt, I can’t find words to describe the massive pain and torture toxic Haters experienced for the entire year 2024. My life is ruined forever.💔

They tortured me too much while [mortis]ing me and my friends, and they can't stop the murdersociety like a psycho terrorists from islamic state.I'm very sorry about my vent, but alas, they won't torturing me while using f words on tags. If i could delete myself, then my heart would be broken.I was thinking, i would like to have a new tablet for the new year 2025, because my tablet is big enough of lagging. In the new tablet i have to use my accounts, but in my tablet that i have it in this year, right now, I'll stay on DA with my alt account and work on. My mom always being positive with me when i asking her something to do or i need to get anything, but sometimes i was negative, not to her, only to those brats who've made me look like this! And i need to be positive to my mom and everyone, and I'll keep my mom's promise as well.

And oh, about Israel:

I always love the most beautiful city of Israel that it looks like a Moscow city, Tel aviv. And also Ashkelon were the people are having fun at the beach. And i know these two cities where the ultra-orthodox jews are made a mess Infront of cops and soldiers everywhere, Jerusalem and Bnei Brak, because the jews are acting like a crazy children while beginning for the freedom of Palestine and feed them watermelons. But the Israeli cops are driving them back to their place where they running for. And the bratty Palestinian protesters and supporters are doing the same, right here, screaming, running, breaking everything, attacking at the people and cops in any countries. In USA, Spain, France, Italy, Poland, and German. And also in the United Kingdom. Everyone hates Israel while making annoying freePalestine posts in front of me, i couldn't ignore them, they're just insane because they want Israel to give up, but she won't, and she's tired of fighting. And Ukrainian people are gone mad at 2014 until the war in 2022, and since Russia punished her, she's tired of fighting too.Since the Israeli people are having a party, the terrorists from Hamas are arrived before attacking Israel. The terror was in 2023 year in October 7th. I just have to make my massive karma post about me, about my Sally, and then about my Enigma!Israel for the 2th anniversary of the Holocaust remembrance day. I love Russia and Israel so much, but some toxic Russophobe insulted me while the Ukrainian and Palestinian people are dying under the russian/Israel rocket attack.And if you guys excuse me, i have to finish those three posts that i need to look for my posts everywhere on the internet. Now I became the innocent victim as the missing israeli people are gone nowhere.

So please, guys... I'm still trapped in the darkest depression because of the toxic haters since i and Sally got injured again. Please make sure that everything is over, I'm tired of being injured with the toxic cyber-bullies on DA. I don't know when the toxicity will ends, but still... I'm going to make it through the pain and melancholy while I'll throw bad minds out of my head.... And my ships that i drawing any characters from the videogames and movies with my own characters are important to me, and it's my style as i had an idea to creat it. I can pray for a jesus tonight and begging him to protect me because i have a cross and diamond heart.I love you all... I wish i can get well later until the torture and toxicity will ends....

[risingsuntaurus]

i stay to myself majority of the time. i don’t have a shoulder i can lean on. Got a few people i’m putting my trust into. I only have me And My Babygirl right now Universe but don’t feel sorry for me.

In reality I get treated like and talked about like a dog.

No help. people abuse me in all Ways. i know people tend to see me not for who i am but for who they want me to be.

Im afraid to Get people close to me. not me getting close to them.

i’m happy for My Birth and The Birth of my daughter. ugh how did i do it? 😇😂

Nobody will never Respect me bc they act like Sour candy…sour sweet then They Gone.

Music is my Defense when i’m Upset or i can feel myself getting angry at the the things i tend to go through on a daily basis here.

As nice as i have been to other people they can’t seem to leave me alone. I had a few hoes lie or come up with a lie just to get to me in some form or fashion.

i became cold hearted

my heart broke when i was 5/6 yrs old

I was abandoned at birth.

i made sure my daughter knew she had me beside her. i made sure she knew she had somebody There for her since i had nobody.

she got herself though my lil soldier 🖤

Hopefully one day i will move on from my scars and pain that i’ve held in

hopefully one day somebody will put themselves in my shoe and try to tie it.

I cant die. i won’t die. i won’t leave.

i won’t Keep letting these demons Come around me saying negative things

God protect me and mine from all harm that may try to come our way.

Universe Lead us safely

may i have my family in a new home in a new whip in a new environment 😇🙌🏾

the fact that people been putting my life in danger way more than i ever could have

the fact that i’m trying to find better and do better and think better and live better with all the trauma i haven’t healed from.

i’m always up waiting for a mfer to tell me some shit ion wanna hear

i’m always wondering how i’m finna better myself for the day and the next

i’m tired of talking to those that really don’t give two pennie’s if i was at my last dollar.

i’m moving on from all the ones who like to disrespect me and think it’s cool

i’m definitely Trying to Find my star 💫

trying to see how i’m really suppose to be living

i’m not a bank so money is a issue.

[takasuya]

whatever if anyone sees this whatever the fuck lmao im going insane the fact that he said we can talk later and then said their peace and then said theyre not replying only after i asked like. was i not important to you. the same with my other fucking friends. like okay. i know i was a lot and shit but goddamn lmao. i thought how people get close was to rely on each other and i wanted u to rely on me too. i was so alone and isolated and nobody not even my irls would reach out first it used to be me starting convos before and then after that ppl didnt really talk to me till i did and it sucks cus how the fuck was i supposed to feel wanted and loved like that. now i dont have energy for anything and starting over is tiring and it sucks and all i wanted was for ppl to put effort into reaching out to me too. when i talked to my fucking poly mates they woildnt even follow up. and when i talked to my onlines im always. begging for aome kind of response. like sorry i made u uncomfortable, i was isolated and needed people. sorry for that and also im so fucking angry at everything its nobodys fault but i cant help but wish i wasnt so sick to act like that. its not like anybodys gonna care bcus they tell me to move on like its so easy like u werent important to me. blocking is the only way i can try and forget. but i cant and im not even mean much to u bcus fuck dude. and my irls reply to me with lmao and lol and yell at me when i was in a crisis and i made their day harder. my “friends” who got mad at me for being upset w my sister and even if they are they still projected it onto me while i was breaking down and losing it it fucking sucks. and its heartbreaking to knowni matter so little to people. anyway im gg away. didnt even say anything to me on my fucking birthday.

and ppl tell me to stop victimising myself but the ppl ard all kinda do that and when i say anything they just. god. i fucking hate it here. i want to end it all so bad but i cant bcus im so fucking angry im going to fucking explode thats all. fuck this shit lmao

[erule]

yay!! im glad ur requests are open!! I love angst to fluff so what about stephen and the reader soulmate au!! But its like the red string of fate and the reader can see her’s is clearly connected to Stephen but his is all tangled and so he doesn’t realize it yet please and thank you!!

Red string of fate | s.s.

Pairing: Stephen Strange x fem!witch!reader

Summary: you’ve been in love with Stephen for as long as you can remember, but now that you know that he’s also your soulmate, you have to do anything that is in your power to stop his wedding.

Warnings: soulmate au, angst, fluff, Christine is the antagonist (but I love her!!), there’s a fight scene between superheroes (not really violent), mention of blood, mention of hospital, back hurt/back pain, friends to enemies to lovers kinda

Word count: 3.5K

A/N: hi! I used she/her pronouns because they were in the requests, but since there was not determined the state of the reader, I chose her to be a witch like Wanda eheh, hope you don’t mind. Also, I tried to follow the request, but I changed the narrative about the string a little bit in the story, you’ll see. Feedback is always appreciated by a writer! Hope y’all like it. Enjoy! x

Tags: thanks to @ssathoma for the request, hope you like it!

Wanda has never been more afraid of anything in her life. Monsters? She can beat them. Aliens? Not a threat. Thanos? Defeated with less power. Children? A joke. But you? The literal villain of her story. 

You’ve been walking around your room shared with Wanda for about fifteen minutes, now. You can’t make up your mind about something you just found out, but Wanda hasn’t realized it yet: you didn’t tell her and your mind was too confused to make her read it. So, tired of this situation, she sits on the bed, legs crossed, while staring at you. 

“Y/N… Y/N! Please, stop. Just talk to me. What’s this so important things that you realized?” 

You suddenly freeze in front of her, making her almost nervous. You sigh, then you show her your red string of fate, a thread that you make appear into the air with a gesture of your hand. Since you’re a witch, you can make people see it, while normally nobody can, unless they have got magic, of course. Usually, you can see the red string of fate in form of a tattoo, a birthmark or else on people’s skin, but that’s not your case: you just hide it with magic. That’s why Wanda didn’t know about your soulmate. On the other hand, you never wanted to know who this person was, so you didn’t really try to follow the string in your head, but now, you know. And this is a nightmare.  

“Do you see it?”

“Yeah, I can see the string, but… not your soulmate. Who is it?”

“That’s because his string is all entangled!” You exclaim and Wanda gulps. “Sorry. Okay, well, last night I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about Stephen… again… and his fabulous hands touching Christine’s hair at dinner, in front of me. Disgusting. Anyway, I finally decided to untangle the string in my head, to see where it’s going, breaking the promise I made to myself when I was little: I would have found my soulmate when faith would have told me. My patience was over, Wanda. Please, tell me that you get it”.

She nods.

“I see. So, who’s the mystery man? Bucky? Loki? Zemo?”

“Worse”.

“Worse than them? Star-Lord?”

You burst into laughing.

“He’s nice. Anyway, he’s the only person I have a crush on. Perhaps, I’m even in love with him. But unfortunately, he’s dating somebody else”.

Wanda brings her hand to her mouth, shocked. Your eyes appear glossy, now. Something in her chest aches for you. 

“Y/N…”

“It’s Stephen, Wanda. Stephen is my soulmate. And he’s engaged”.

Maybe, you shouldn’t have put it into place again. Maybe, you should have let him know that you were his soulmate, but you didn’t want to change his perception of you. However, you did that after you acknowledged your feelings for him. And you couldn’t tell him either, because he’d be angry at you for using magic kind of against him. 

“You did the right thing, Y/N,” Wanda tells you, caressing your back.

“It’s hard to think that, when I’m forced to look at him getting married to somebody else,” you reply, while looking at him and Christine sitting on the couch, choosing the best decorations fot the wedding.

“I know, honey. The right thing isn’t always the easier one. But you’re a good person. Find peace in that”.

“Maybe I’m tired of being nice,” you say, then you swallow your pride, your willing of being again in your room and not there, your heart being so envy of Christine, the heat given by your feelings running through your veins and you come closer to the happy couple with your best fake smile on your lips. “Christine, Stephen told me yesterday that maybe you need some help with the cake, is that correct?”

She gives you a smile.

“Yeah, it’s true!”

“Thanks, Y/N. I have to go on a mission today, so I can’t be here to taste the cakes, but I trust you. See you later, my love,” he says to Christine, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“My love”. Alexa, play “It should be me”. 

“Chocolate or strawberry?” Christine asks you, while you’re sitting next to her on the couch. She’s looking at the cakes on a catalogue.

“Dark chocolate,” you whisper, then you raise your voice. “Stephen loves dark chocolate”.

“Dark chocolate it is! You really seem to know him, Y/N,” she says and you nod.

“Not enough, probably,” you murmur.

“You know, I used to think that you were in love you with him and I got even jealous, because the two of you are always a really capable couple during the fights, but now I realize that you’re just a good friend of his and I’m glad that he’s got you,” she says, squeezing your hand. You smile at her, while your eyes are burning for the tears 

“Thanks, Christine”.

A stab would have done less harm.

It has been a week, since that terrible day. You can’t sleep anymore, because of this secret. Wanda told you that it would been selfish for you to confess everything to him, but what if he’s marrying the wrong person? He should know it, he should have the right to choose his path, since his string is entangled (again) and he can’t see his faith very well. The wedding is in a month. You dan’t have much time. 

So you put on some fresh clothes, then you go to the room in the compound he usually uses to study magic. He’s always working, so you’re sure that you’re gonna find him awake and here, not at home with Christine. The door is closed, so you knock and his raspy voice responds: “Open”.

But he’s not working. When you open the door, he’s wearing an unusual suit: it’s white and gold, even if his cape is always the red one. Your whole body is suffering for this, because you can’t touch him or see his on the altar, in front of you. 

“How do I look?” He asks you, turning around so you can see him better. In the mirror, your image would show him your inner secrets. “This is ridiculous, isn’t it? Wong told me to wear this stupid ancient suit, but probably I could just buy a smoking and…”

“You’re perfect,” you say and your voice, even if it’s low, echoes between the walls. He looks at you with his lips not touching one another for the surprise, like you and him. But even Thanos would know how much you’d��love to touch him. 

“Thank you,” he says, smiling with just one corner of his lips. You nod. “Did you need anything?”

You. Just you.

And then, a voice in your head, maybe because of the lack of sleep, tells you to confess him the whole truth.

“I have to tell you something”.

He observe you, scanning your face, then he shakes his head.

“There’s no need”.

“Stephen, please…” you begin to say, coming closer to him.

“No, Y/N, let it go”.

“You should know it!”

“I already know,” he tells you and you stop in the middle of the room. Your eyes grow wide. He can’t know, it’s impossible. There’s no way in the world in which he can have figured or imagined it. “I know it, Y/N and I do not care”.

You swallow hard. 

“What?” You whisper. “How?”

“I saw you in my dreams, that night. You stepped into my space, so I woke up in my head and I saw you untangle the threads. I know that you’re my soulmate, but it’s not important: I fell in love with Christine and we’re gonna get married soon. That string doesn’t mean anything,” he tells you, calmly, while your heart breaks more and more at every word he says.

You’re in pieces and he doesn’t even care about that.

“Stephen, it’s magic. We believe in it more than in everything else. Love itself is a pure form of magic. How can you say something terrible like that?”

You’re fighting with the urge to scream, right now.

“You said that yourself: love is a form of magic and I fell in love with Christine. It’s as simple as that. Unless, you fell in love with me, of course. But you didn’t fall in love with me, did you?” He jokes, while adjusting his sleeve. You remain quiet, so he raises his gaze in order to look straight into your eyes. “You didn’t fall in love with me, did you?” He repeated, his tone surprised yet almost angry. A sob escapes from your lips and you immediately close your mouth with your hands. “Damn, Y/N!”

“I’m sorry, Stephen…”

“You ruined everything!” His rage could be heard by the others, now. “Why are you doing this to me? Because you needed to tell me the truth? You should have kept your stupid secret for yourself!”

“Stupid? Love is not stupid! Even if it’s unrequited!” You scream.

“You’re not my friend, you’re acting like a selfish little girl who fell in love with her classmate. Flash news: we’re not in high school anymore, Y/N!” 

“Watch your tongue, Strange,” you say, while some red sparks begin to dance around your fingers.

“Or what?” He asks you, tilting his head, but instead of seeing him angry, he seems almost… challenging, to you. As if he has been waiting for this moment for years.

You hear some steps behind you. 

“What’s happening, here?” Wanda ask.

“A magic fight? Wow! Please, let me watch!” Peter Parker exclaims.

“Nobody’s gonna fight, Peter. Right, Y/N?”

You breathe out. 

“Right”.

“You’re not invited to the wedding anymore, Y/N,” Stephen says.

“I didn’t plan to come anyway,” you lie, then you get back to bed, while your heart is still aching for him.

***

You can see that Wanda is angry in her eyes, but she has also given you the access to her mind, so you can see the fight she had this morning with Stephen.

“She’s your best friend, it’s insane that you don’t make her come to your wedding!”

“She crossed the line, Wanda. Oh and Y/N, if you’re looking at his: remember not to behave like a child with your next crush”.

“You’re being mean, now”.

“She entered in my dreams and she didn’t even apologize to me! It wasn’t fair, Wanda”.

“Love’s not fair, Strange”.

“Friendship is”.

You get out from her mind, sighing.

“He’s right, Wanda: I broke his trust. I get why he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore”.

“He’s hiding something, Y/N,” she says, while walking around your room. 

“Okay, enough, you’re looking like me now,” you joke. “What’s up?”

Wanda stops, then she looks at you, sat on the bed. You’re curious of what she’s been thinking for days.

“He seems too hurt. I observed him during the last few missions and he seemed very nervous”.

“He’s getting married in two weeks, it seems normal to me”.

“No, it’s not. Strange asked Christine to marry him one year ago and since that day, he stuck with that decision, but when he discovered that you’re his soulmate, he began to waver”.

You get up from the bed, coming closer to her.

“What are you trying to say?”

Wanda licks her lips, before she talks.

“That he’s not entirely in love with Christine”.

It’s late afternoon and you’re watching the sunset in New York, when Stephen comes down from the sky, after the two of you have defeated another monster. There was a lot of tension between you two, but you worked pretty well anyway. What you missed more was the fact that you didn’t banter like an old married couple, during the fight. Usually, that is the best part of the job. You wonder if he thought about that too.

“Everything’s under control, Y/N. We have destroyed enough buildings, today,” he jokes and you chuckle. 

“I had to contain my power, actually,” you reply. 

“Me too,” he says, then you flickers you a glance. “We should do something about this repressed rage, don’t you think? The compound is empty, if you want,” he says and you blush. “I’m talking about a fight. A little fight in the room that Doctor Banner made for us, in which our powers can’t harm anything or anybody, except for ourselves, of course”.

You stare at him, thinking, then you nod in agreement: maybe you can investigate some more on his relationship with Christine. You could even find out if she poisoned him or if she asked for help to another with in order to make him fall in love with her. Or perhaps, this is not a trick and you just can’t handle the truth: he’s really in love with her. And yeah, maybe she doesn’t care about her real soulmate or her thread is all tangled too.

The room has windowson every wall, but you can’t see your reflection on them or if there’s somebody outside. Your possible enemy can’t know where you are, but you can’t know if you really exist too. This happens because you’re forced to focus on the other person’s presence in the room. You find it ironically sad, because even in the real world, Stephen’s presence is all you care about. He’s the only one you can see in every room. 

“Are you scared, Y/N?” He asks you, while you can feel his energy running through his veins. “You’re not even looking at me”.

“I don’t have to look at you to actually see you, Stephen,” you reply with a grin, but there’s a lot of melancholy in your heart and he seems to know it. 

That’s when you catch him by surprise. You first attack causes a cut along his cheek. A trickle of blood runs down his jaw, but he doesn't seem to notice it. You leap towards him, but a bubble of energy shoots you across the room, causing you to flip backwards. At this point you start to think that he is almost angrier than you, because, unlike you, he is not holding back for real anymore.

“You’re not using your powers like you normally do in a fight. There’s no need to protect me!” He exclaims, then he comes closer to you, but you fight his punch with a shield made of red energy. 

“I’m just trying to protect myself! My powers could even destroy this room!” You reply.

“Were you protecting yourself, when you confessed your feelings for me?” He asks and you get distracted. One moment later, he pulls your back against the wall, one of the windows. 

You slide to the floor and there you remain for an endless time. You try to get up, but you can't. He may even have broken your back, for all you know.

"Stephen, I don't..."

"I was calm, you know? When I asked Christine to marry me."

"Stephen..."

"I was calm, because I knew that I would have spent the rest of my life with a good woman, who loved me and I, in some twisted way, loved her. I didn't care who was on the other side of my string and neither did she. We had found our soul mate, that was okay. Then you came along and you had to screw it up with your stupid curiosity. You might as well have found it out and kept it to yourself, I wouldn't have told you anything, but no, you had to make me knwo that too. And now I'm always restless."

"Stephen, something is wrong..."

"Sure! I can't fool Christine right now. She doesn't deserve it. I thought I was chasing a chimera, Y/N. I thought that you didn't feel anything for me, so I lied to everyone, even myself, telling myself that it was better that way, but it wasn't true. I never forgot you, Y/N. I never forgot the idea of ​​the two of us together, a mere dream that would never become real. Then you confessed everything to me and even if I was scared, it made me incredibly happy, because I was free. But I can't leave that woman on the altar, because she trusts me. Tell me this makes sense, please,” he explains, but you’re tired now and every fiber in your body is in pain.

“My back… Stephen, my back…” 

“Y/N? No, don’t close your eyes, no, Y/N… Don’t close your eyes!”

When you open your eyes again, you’re in a hospital room. The walls are white, the air is aseptic and you feel like you’re not breathing anymore. How many days have passed? Is Stephen already married to Christine? This is a nightmare come true. It can’t be.

Somebody enters in the room. You look at your right, only to see Christine. She’s not wearing any ring and you make a sigh a relief. She seems to notice that, but she doesn’t say a word about it.

“How are you?” She asks you, gently.

“Not in pain anymore, which is already something, I guess,” you joke. She gives you a smile. 

“You know, he didn’t leave your side for the entire time. Even now, he’s outside, sat on a bench, his head between his hands, thinking about you,” she says and you swallow. There’s something in her voice that makes you respect her even more. Resignation.

“I didn’t have the right to tell him…”

“No, you didn’t,” she cuts you off. You gulp. “You didn’t have the right to tell him that you were in love with him just one month before our wedding, but you did have the right to tell him about his soulmate. Why? Because he deserved to know that it was you. I wouldn’t have cared about anybody else, but when he told me that it was you, two days ago, when he brought you here, upset, everything was clear in my head: he didn’t want to know the identity of his soulmate, because he was scared that it would have been you. Because pretending to love me was easier than loving you for real,” she explains and finally, you understand the final picture. 

“I really am sorry, Christine,” you murmur anyway, because she still has to know that.

“I know, but I’m glad that this happened, because probably I wasn’t really in love with Stephen and now I can find my real soulmate, that hopefully will love me that much. He feels guilty, Y/N. Now tell him that you’re alright, because your powers and some rest healed your body,” she says, then she goes away.

Stephen enters into the room with his eyes circled in red. He swallows, then he basically runs to you, embracing you into his arms. You close your eyes, inhaling his scent, feeling at home. 

“I’m okay, Stephen. Christine said that my powers helped my body to heal,” you tell him and he nods, while caressing your back, that fortunately doesn’t hurt anymore.

“I’m sorry for all of this pain I caused you. Christine didn’t tell me why, but she doesn’t want to marry me anymore. My life is a complete mess, Y/N. Wanda says that you can put all the pieces together, but I don’t…” 

You cut him off by kissing him. It’s a sweet and brief kiss, but full of passion and love. You hope that he can feel your power running through his veins too, like you can do with him. Together, you could potentially rule the world. This is a complete soulmate thing.

“You’re forgiven, Stephen. And I’m sorry too, for sneaking into your head without you knowing. It wasn’t fair,” you say and he squeezes your hand.

“Soulmates always find each other. Maybe that’s why you did that”.

“You were my soulmate even before I knew it,” you reply with tears in your eyes and he gives you a small kiss on your forehead.

“And you were mine”.

[adonis-koo]

wicked • 8

↳ Summary: In a desperate hope to stop war from breaking you are a serviced to wed the most vile man alive, the one who has committed atrocities and war crimes beyond comprehension, he who is responsible for the fall of many nations, the wicked prince who’s heart is made of stone. You are to marry a man who challenges every belief and moral you stand for, all while being faced in a foreign land with nobody but yourself too trust…But are you both truly that different? Or is hate not too far from love?

↳ Pairing: Jungkook/reader

↳ Genre: arranged marriage AU, enemies to lovers, it’s kind of a period AU??? Historical but also technically not? prince!AU, eventual smut

Word Count: 11k

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Note: ahhhh!!! im so excited chapter 8 is finally here!! let me know how you guys feel about it and thank you so much for reading! 

“We’re doing everything we can but...I’m sorry, it’s just too soon to say she’ll be okay.” 

All Jungkook saw was red. He was so livid he couldn’t even speak, Taehyung had looked beyond apologetic and in disbelief himself earlier that day before he had re-entered your room once more. 

Jungkook’s duties had been abandoned and whatever previous anger and resentment he had towards you was quickly replaced by a new anger of how unbelievably reckless you could be! Did you not understand who you were? What you meant to this country? Jungkook leaned against the wall trying to calm himself as he rubbed his forehead. 

True not everyone had been the most kind to you but to go against his orders and put your own life in danger...had he not realized you had disobeyed him you would’ve…! Just the thought had his jaw clenched, when you woke up you were certainly going to have hell to pay from him…

If you woke up. 

That’s what Taehyung had said. Jungkook’s anger dulled as his head thudded against the wall, closing his tired eyes. If you woke up. 

He sighed as his body sank back against the wood, it had been nearly two hours but they still wouldn’t let him into the room yet to see you. After he had gotten you to the castle all of the Seers had shooed him from the room saying he was being too hot headed and he hadn’t been allowed back in ever since. 

The only other person in the hallway was the other person you knew dearly. Wheein was standing against the other wall, her eyes not leaving the floor and he knew she was deeply disturbed at the news of the princess. 

A sharp inhale from her drew his eyes to her figure that now trembled before she ushered softly, “I’m so sorry your Highness, if I had gotten to her in time…” 

Jungkook didn’t speak for a moment before he relented, a puff escaping his nose as he shook his head with a mutter, “It isn’t your fault Jung, she’s stubborn and bullheaded, I should’ve taken her back myself.” 

Wheein’s lips twisted into a sorrowful frown as she sighed, lowering his head out of apology and respect as she spoke, “I’m sorry if this is out of line your Highness but...I firmly believe the Princess truly wanted to help…” Wheein paused for a moment before her voice softened, “...If you gave her a chance, you’d see it. She’s just as kind as they say, if not even more so.” 

Jungkook said nothing in return, his eyes cast out over the window at the end of the hallway, he didn’t need to give you a chance to see who you were, flecks of your true personality had already shone on their own, even if they were in bits and pieces. 

And that’s what made Jungkook even more angry, angry at himself. It was easier to hate you when you didn’t care what anyone here thought of you, when you disregarded him and his nation, when you said horrible, cruel words out of your own misery. 

But you had grown past those days and Jungkook felt stuck. How could he move past it when he was made to sit and watch what he wanted as a future pass him by? But it was getting harder and harder to resent you with each passing day, and this situation was no different. 

Why couldn’t you just go back to the castle? Why couldn’t you be a prideful, vain Princess who would never dare dirty herself for a peasant? Why couldn’t you be indignant and not care because after all, Penumbra wasn’t your home. 

Jungkook had so many questions and yet his head was only filled with more and more. 

Such as, despite Penumbra not being your home, and despite how you had been treated by the court, by him, you still plunged yourself into a life threatening situation to help his people. 

Jungkook’s mind was restless for most the night until the doors opened, the Seers filing out one by one as the High Seer bowed to Jungkook causing him to stand straighter, his eyes brooding as ever but nobody could mistake the way his expression shifted subtly as they snapped in worry towards the door. 

“She’ll be okay.” 

Jungkook’s shoulders visibly slumped as he groaned softly in relief as he rubbed his face, the High Seer continued on, “You may stay with her now, I will have Taehyung return first thing in the morning to tend to her wounds, let us know if anything changes during the night.” 

Jungkook nodded as his gaze lowered in respect, “...Thank you.” They all bowed once more, Taehyung’s eyes lingering on him in silent apology once more before he passed the man by. 

“Get some sleep Jung.” Jungkook’s eyes flickered over to Wheein who had paused from her hurried steps towards the room. Her lips parting in objection weakly but Jungkook could see how tired she was much like himself, “I know you’re concerned,” He pushed himself off the wall, “But it’s late and you have duties to attend tomorrow, I’ll stay with her.” 

Wheein’s lips crumpled as she sighed, perhaps knowing he was right as she gave a small curtsey, “Very well m���lord. Please…” Wheein paused as her eyes lingered tenderly on the door, “Take care of her.” 

Jungkook said nothing as she left and it was now only himself in the hallway, Jungkook paused in front of the door somewhat hesitantly. Your words still prominent in his head ‘I’d rather you just stay away from me until you’re ready to move forward’ Jungkook’s eyes had suddenly found your body, sunken into the bed where you laid down unconscious.

Anger once again simmered beneath his skin as he trudged into the room, shutting the door behind him as he muttered, “You’re so selfish for a selfless person.” He ungratefully yanked out a chair from the small round table beside your bed as he sat down, his glare scathing as he stared down at your stupid pretty face.

“It’s barely been two weeks since that stupid argument and here I am,” Jungkook leaned back in his chair, his eyes still cut as they went from your face to your neck, trailing your collarbones before down to your hands which had been wrapped thoroughly in bandages.

Jungkook inhaled sharply as he looked away, “I should’ve took you back myself,” Flecks of regret could be heard in his tone as he set his forearms on his knee’s his head bowed down as he sighed, “...I know we’ve had our differences but I never said I wanted you dead or that I still wanted to marry her, that I didn’t want to get along with you…” 

Jungkook sighed as he finally scooted his chair a little closer to your bed, resting his arms on the soft duvet as he laid his head against his arms, staring at those thick lashes that gently brushed along your cheeks, “How am I supposed to hate you when you’ve already given so much of yourself away to prove your dedication to learning our way of life?” It was mumbled and tired and Jungkook’s eyes were failing to stay open. 

The question more to himself than you, after all, he was the one that had made an oath to himself to hate you for the rest of his days. Jungkook could see and acknowledge he said a lot of hurtful and bitter things in his own hate. 

But that never meant he wanted to see you get hurt…

He could only hope you would wake up soon.

Those were his last thoughts as he slowly drifted to sleep. 

The first thing you felt was a dull ache in your head and the second was the dry, burnt twinge in your mouth that tasted of ash, it had you wheezing immediately as your eyes slowly opened to the blurry world around you, at first you saw two of everything as your eyes slowly closed into darkness once more.

Voices sounded muffled at first but became more clear as your eyes opened to a more clear vision once more, you attempted to resituate yourself briefly but a sharp throb of pain flooded the palms of your hand at even the slightest attempt to wiggle your fingers. 

The tips of your fingers throbbing in a horrid aching pain that caused a whimper to escape you.

“Don’t hurt yourself anymore.” It was a stern voice that called out to you, but it’s touch the very opposite- tenderly holding your wrist as it set it back against your stomach. Finally your eyes fluttered open one last time to the sight of your ceiling greeting you and the person staring down at you was none other than your own husband.

Jungkook’s eyes looked more tired then you remembered and his hair looked disheveled as it hadn’t been properly brushed in a few days. He said nothing for a long moment as he stared down at you, attempting to speak was almost useless. 

Your throat hurt like hell. It ached and burned and the sound of this Jungkook had leaned away from you only for a cup to meet your lips, “Drink.” It wasn’t a suggestion. 

Your eyes closed at the liquid relief met on your tongue as you took a few gulps, the immediate pain of your throat had vanished as you sighed in relief, slumping back down against the pillow. 

You felt so tired, as if your entire body had exhausted all of it’s energy and it would surely never return, turning your head you got a decent look at Jungkook’s figure, he was not only tired and disheveled looking but his clothes were ruffled and his jacket had hung from his chair as if he had been sitting a long while, “Jungkook…” You finally mumbled out, your eyes searching his but you just couldn’t get anything else out. 

Jungkook puffed a breath from his nose, leaning back against the bed as he shook his head, “...I told myself I was gonna give you hell when you woke up.” His calloused fingertips brushed along your cheek making your eyes tiredly shut, had his voice always been so soft and dulcet? 

“But now I’m just thankful you’re awake. Rest, the others will be here soon.” 

And so you did, your mind slipping soundly back into unconsciousness at the feeling of his fingers tenderly trail down your jawline. 

The next time you woke up, light had streamed through the room and Jungkook was no longer by your side, Wheein was the first at your side among many people in your room, her eyes looked relieved as she spoke, “Oh m’lady! I’m so happy you’re awake!” She ushered as you groaned slightly, “Oh, here, let me help you sit up. I’m sure you’re tired of laying down.” 

With the help of Wheein and many pillows, you were propped to sit up, but even the slightest attempt to use your hands had you yelping out catching everyone’s attention in the room. 

Managing to sit up right you now had a good look at the thick cloth bandages that covered your hands that trembled as you looked down at them, “What….I...what happened?” You were almost too frightened to speak as your lips trembled, looking up at Wheein at a loss of words. 

“That’s what we had hoped you’d be able to tell us,” It was the familiar voice of Taehyung who spoke, he was towards the back of the room by your vanity, rather with many tools, currently holding a mortar and pestle. 

Your lips twisted into a lost frown as you desperately looked around towards Wheein before towards the Seers and then you met his gaze, Jungkook had been quietly talking to a lower Seer by the doors of the room who had been watching you silently. 

“...I…” You felt at a loss of words and no amount of description could accurately describe how much shame suddenly coiled into your entire being as your gaze lowered, “...I’m sorry...I don’t remember much…”

“I know I helped some people and...I think I lifted something…?” Your lips began to tremble as you stared down at your hands, the gravity of the situation hitting you and it felt as though a lump had formed in your throat as you looked back up to Jungkook. 

His expression didn’t look pleasant at all, his jaw clenched at your words as you mumbled, “All I really remember after entering the fire was...ash and smoke and…” 

You close your eyes, unable to even finish your sentence at the jarring memory that entered your mind, sharply inhaling you tried to calm yourself, the image would be forever seared into your head. It was like a true horror watching chunks of flesh dangling from your hand, blood covering your fingertips.

That was the only thing you could remember, everything else felt as if a thick cloud of fog hung over those memories, just the realization made tears sting your eyes as you mumbled, “Everything is just...blank aside from that.” 

Jungkook made a noise of what you could only assume was frustration, running a hand through his hair as he looked even more angry then before, excusing himself from the room as he obviously didn’t want to be around you any longer. Or he just simply couldn’t stand too. 

Taehyung sat down on the side of your bed, placing a wooden tray in your lap causing you to jump at the sharp sting in your right thigh, “Sorry Princess, you have a pretty severe burn on your right thigh and a more mild one on your left.” 

His words nearly fell on deaf ears though as you stared at the closed door of your room, Taehyung offered a comforting smile, “...He’s upset,” He spoke softly, grabbing the basin off your nightstand as he began to pour water in.

“...I can tell.” You mumbled, trying to swallow that lump which only formed harder and harder in your throat, “I….” The words felt like they were stuck in your throat as you forced them out barely above a whisper, “I was only trying to help…” 

The longer you were awake the more shame began to cast over you at how stupid you were to try and help when all you did was clearly make things worse, and on top of that you couldn’t even remember what had happened, not really. You had some fuzzy moments of when you had first followed behind the man. But everything just melded together into your head in one pile of ash. 

“You misunderstand his emotions Princess,” Taehyung frowned softly as he held up your wrists tenderly, “I can’t speak for the Prince but I can tell you this, you’ve been unconscious for two days and he didn’t leave that chair once the entire time, all of his duties were cast aside, his meetings and trainings were put on hold. He wouldn’t even so much as leave the hall when we were first tending to you. The Prince is upset because he was worried you wouldn’t make it.” 

You couldn’t find the words to speak as you sucked in a harsh breath of air, shaking your head silently as Taehyung finally offered you a smile, “I think...and don’t tell him this but...I think Jungkook has become rather fond of you, in his own way...And I think he didn’t realize it until you were in danger. Now...you may want to look away…” 

Taehyung carefully unwrapped your hands and you’d be lying if you said the fresh air didn’t feel good but the sight was just as Taehyung said. 

You could feel a knot forming in your throat at the sight in front of you, your eyes stinging with tears at just the sight.

Your hands you had prided yourself on for so many years, the same hands that had helped heal many during the war when there wasn’t enough healers during your younger years, the ones which helped replant the flora in the meadow when a fire had broke loose, the very same hands which you painted in celebration for the festival of flowers….

Almost all the skin had been burned off the palms of your hands and the skin around the wound was charred and grotesque, blisters had begun to form and the skin of your fingers were peeling and painfully blistered.

 “I’m so stupid.” You couldn’t even stop the tears if you had tried, conviction and regret buried in your stomach as you softly wept, squeezing your eyes shut as warm tears trickled down your cheeks in mourning. 

“Ah- it’s going to feel better once your put it in,” Taehyung spoke gently as you he grabbed your wrists once more, wincing you cried as he delicately placed them in the water, at first it stung before it began to sooth the blistering heat the still continued to ooze from them.

“I just wanted to help.” You whimpered softly as you shut your eyes, trying to not let yourself choke up on your gentle sobs as you shook your head. You could tell by the looks of everyone in the room that they didn’t get it.

They probably assumed you were crying due to your vanity being marred but they didn’t understand how holy your hands were supposed to be to you. And you ruined them. It felt hard to breathe at just the thought that they’d forever be marred with the acts of your own stupidity. 

Your shoulders bounced a little as you closed your eyes, another tear rolling down your cheek as you closed your eyes, trying to relax against the soothing cool water that absorbed the heat from the monstrous sight of your wounds.

 “It very well may be that you did help Princess, please don’t be so hard on yourself, we’re still gathering information on what happened and who was able to make it out and who didn’t,” Taehyung frowned and it seemed he might’ve been the only one who had an idea as to why you were so upset, “For now let's focus on getting you healed. This is moon water that’s been blessed by the High Seer, so it’ll help speed up the process but there’s only so much we can do I’m afraid.”

Taehyung sighed as he folded his hands together, “I won’t sit here and lie to you Princess...These burns are...bad.” He lowered his gaze in apology, “They’ll heal as all things do in time but they’ll most likely scar due to the amount of skin you lost.” 

Tears began trickling down your face once more at his words, they’d scar…? Surely no one would love you now, you were weighed down by too many things once again. Your entire livelihood was based around your hands, just as many mundane things in life as the more sacred ones. 

How could you hand out bread to the children and read stories now? How would you even be able to eat or do something as simple as open a door? You closed your eyes as you silently wept once more. 

You had felt many things as you adjusted to your life in Penumbra, but this was the first time you had felt truly defeated. 

“I need to make the salve for your wounds, it’ll create a protective barrier to keep an infection from starting or spreading and it should help the skin rebuild faster. Leave your hands in the moon water for now, okay? We’ll do this every morning and every evening. And I’ll need to change your bandages three times a day as well.” 

You could only nodded as you sniffled in acceptance as you mumbled a small ‘thank you’ to him. 

Wheein’s lips quivered and she could no longer stand seeing you in such a state- for your own sadness was hers as well as she collapsed at your bedside, “My lady I can’t apologize enough... If I had just been more diligent then this surely wouldn’t have happened.” 

With watery eyes you shook your head as you lowered your gaze, “This is nobody’s fault but my own Wheein, I would’ve done something stupid regardless of your influence. It’s how I’ve always been.” You mumbled bitterly, what could have possibly been worth this outcome…?

“I’m sorry m’lady,” Wheein frowned sadly, wishing she could do something more to help you, folding her hands as she lowered her head, “Here, i’ll fetch you breakfast, I’m sure you're hungry.” She stood up, giving a small courtesy before exiting the room where Jungkook had reentered. 

“How does it look today?” Jungkook straightened up as he asked Taehyung, his eyes flickering from him to your hands soaking. 

“Just as bad,” Taehyung wrinkled his nose as he mixed ingredients in his mortar and mashed with his pestle, “Go, take a look.” He then whispered something to Jungkook you couldn't make out but it made Jungkook raise his brows before looking at you once more, except this time noticing the defeated tear streaks on your cheeks. 

Something about having those piercing blue eyes on you made you well up, stubbornly looking at the tray of water feeling somewhat indignant otherwise you’d surely burst into tears once more. 

Jungkook clacked his tongue as he walked over before sitting back down in his chair with a sigh, “Let me look.” 

“They look just as ugly as the last time you saw them.” You sniffled as you swished your hands in the water a little away from him. You bolded up more, not wanting to look at him in such a pitiful state. In any other time in your life you had something going for you. 

You could stand up and speak your mind, you could quite literally walk away from a situation you did not like and now you could do nothing. You couldn’t even so much as defend yourself with a push if you needed too. Everything, even breathing to an extent hurt and exhibited too much energy for you to do it for very long. 

“Don’t be so theatrical,” Jungkook lightly chided you as you made a noise of disagreement, refusing to look at him still as he spoke, “They aren’t ugly, they’re healing. Now stop being so stubborn and let me see.” 

You had noted the slight defensiveness in Jungkook’s tone- not at you but at the way you had referred to yourself. He reached over, grabbing your wrists with a surprisingly tender touch as he pulled them close, standing up so he could get a better view as he turned them over in the water making it ripple gently. 

You only briefly saw them before you closed your eyes. Just the brief sight was enough to cause tears to gloss in your eyes again as you squeezed them, making new tears roll down your cheeks. This was so embarrassing. 

You knew Jungkook was right, you didn’t need to be like this, but you couldn’t help but feel so exposed- vulnerable, especially to him which everyone including you both knew- you didn’t have what most would describe as a good relationship.

Jungkook after a moment of inspection turned them back over to have the backs of your hands face up before sitting back down, “They aren’t nearly as red as before and the swelling has gone down,” He poked his cheek with his tongue as his eyes landed on your face once more, your shoulders slightly bobbing as you tried to not cry aloud.

“...You’re so pitiful.” Jungkook’s previously hard expression slowly melted as he sighed softly, you couldn’t see his face but it was fairly obvious in Taehyung’s opinion that he felt bad for you. 

Pulling the handkerchief out of his back pocket he leaned in.

You jolted a little, instinctively pulling away from him until you realized what he was doing. If Jungkook had any sort of embarrassment of his own he certainly knew how to keep it hidden as he began to wipe the tears from your face.

In fact, you weren’t even sure Jungkook thought anything of this at all as he began to lightly chide you once more, “Be thankful there isn’t an infection, healing takes time but they aren’t permanently damaged.” 

“That we know of for now.” Taehyung replied as he grinded down the herbs in his mortar.

That they knew off!? 

You couldn’t even help the choked sob that escaped your lips, your shoulders crumpling as you once again tried to hold it together. Taehyung immediately looked sheepishly anywhere but at Jungkook’s icy eyes that shot up with an unappreciative glare. 

Was it possible that you wouldn’t be able to use your hands even after they healed!?

Jungkook immediately scooted closer looking only slightly awkward which made Taehyung try to hold in a snort. 

Jungkook sighed, somewhat reluctant on what to do besides dabbing your tears once more. He was never good with words and even worse when it came to women when they needed some form of comfort. It was even worse when they needed both. 

Instead Jungkook settled for what he’d say to anyone, “Your hands will be fine. The Seers will make sure of it…” Jungkook’s gaze became cold as he glared at Taehyung who had caused this, “Right?” His eyes were nearly as cold as the tundra in winter. 

Taehyung coughed a little, ducking a little as if that would ward off the man’s underlying threat as he hurriedly chirped a confirmation, “Right!” 

The door opened once more along with the wafting smell of food that had your stomach immediately growling, Wheein came in with a smile as she set the tray down beside you as your lips quivered once more, she even made sure to get you a blueberry scone but...You couldn’t even eat it yourself...

Your lips quivered as your trail of tears started once more. 

Jungkook inhaled sharply as he tried to keep himself patient, dear god he had never seen a woman cry this much in his life, “Hush,” He said sternly, wiping your tears once more before setting his handkerchief down, sighing as his expression melted a little, “All these tears won’t fix the state you’re in.” 

Wheein stared at him as he met her gaze briefly and it was like they were having a conversation all on their own where Wheein gave him the most exasperated look before coughing as she curtseyed and went over to assist Taehyung. 

Jungkook poked his tongue in his cheek as he sighed, closing his eyes briefly as he relented, “But I suppose it can’t be helped…” 

Jungkook shook his head reluctantly before he picked up the knife and forth, cutting into the blueberry scone before holding it up, “Open.” He commanded quietly, watching your lips quiver as you stared down at the tray of water, this was so humiliating! “I know you’re hungry and I’ve watched you inhale nearly five of these scones daily Y/n. Eat.” 

You let your lips part a little and Jungkook took a mile out of your inch as he pushed the metal into your mouth which was met with the tart burst of blueberry as you slowly chewed the pastry. “That was one time.” You mumbled with a sniffle, your lips quivering into a pout as you spoke, “And I’ll have you know it was only three blueberry, the other two were apple.” 

Jungkook couldn’t even catch himself before he let a breathy laugh escape his lips as he shook his head at the sight of the pouty puppy like expression on your face as you looked at him, who appeared somewhat amused, “That’s not an excuse for eating nearly the whole platter.” 

He spooned you another bite, his brows pressed together a little in concentration as he continued to feed you. 

“Not everything needs to be excused. I didn’t say a word when you haven’t spoken to me in two weeks and yet now you’re feeding me a scone.” You replied with a sulking pout, staring back down at the tray of water, knowing that this was probably not something you should talk about right now, let alone in front of Wheein and Taehyung who definitely heard that and were definitely acting like they were ghosts at the moment. 

You had thought maybe you had overstepped a line but Jungkook hardly even looked bother has he replied right back, “Well if you hadn’t gone and done something stupid I wouldn’t be having to feed you,” He spoke matter of fact before he resumed your next bite of food, chewing you raised your brows at him as he continued, “And I’ll remind you that I was only doing what you told me to do.” 

“Well I’m alive, you don’t have to pretend to be nice anymore.” You sighed in exhaustion as you leaned back against the pillow causing a chuckle from Jungkook.  

“Is it so hard to believe I’m looking out for your wellbeing?” Jungkook asked, and it sounded like a sincere question as he scoffed a little, “I may not be thrilled with you, but I don’t want you dead. I don’t know how many times I have to say that. Besides, since when do I need an excuse for looking after my wife who dumbly decided to go against my orders and nearly get herself burned alive?” 

His voice came off a little stronger this time showing his now seriousness as you clacked your tongue while mumbling once more, “...I told you I’m not one of your soldiers. And when did you ever tell me that? Because I just assumed you probably did want me dead.” You curved a brow at him. 

“Well that’s your own presumption. I told you when you decided to go drink at a tavern without an escort,” Jungkook replied with your same tone, “And I had to carry you up six flights of stairs or else you’d surely kill yourself because you were so drunk.” You felt your cheek throb with warmth in embarrassment at the memory as you looked away from him indignantly. 

“I hope next time you listen to me,” Jungkook continued to speak despite your silence in hope he’d just shut up, but of course, he knew he was in the perfect position to speak freely without any chance of you getting away now, “Maybe you wouldn’t have to deal with me like you are now.” 

You glared at him with a sulky expression, “You truly are wicked.” He pushed another piece of scone into your mouth and for the first time, you had seen from him something you never had. 

A smile, an innocent smile that showed off what you realized looked like cute bunny teeth that was the literal opposite of what anyone considered wicked. 

He reached out to squish your cheeks causing your expression to get even sulkier, “Y’know princess, you should try to smile a little more, it suits you better then this new sulky expression you keep sporting,” 

Was...was he teasing you!? “You look like a sad pathetic puppy right now.” 

You tried to lean away from him as you whined, “Just because I’m unable to hit you now doesn’t give you the right to just annoy me! Let alone touch me!” Your cheeks were still squished though and your glare had returned causing him to laugh once more. 

“Who would’ve thought when stranded you're just a feisty little puppy.” Jungkook taunted, a challenging twinkle in his eyes and a wicked smirk curling on his lips to match as he gave your cheeks one last squeeze before letting go as you requested. 

“That’s not funny!” You puffed indignantly however Jungkook had managed to push a large piece of scone in your mouth this time causing another echo laughter from him at the look on your face as you began to chew ungrateful for his help now.

 “Are you finished with that so I can go back to bed and be left alone.” You complained to Taehyung who stood up, still mashing as he spoke, “Yes I’ve been done for about five minutes but I didn’t want to interrupt.” 

This now had both you and Jungkook looking away from one another and you swore you caught a laugh from Wheein who walked over with Taehyung to the other side of the bed so they could move freely. 

“It’s going to hurt once your hands are removed from the water and it’s going to sting at first with the balm okay?” Taehyung prepped you as Wheein grabbed both sides of the tray, sucking in a breath of air you gave a small nod while in preparation. 

Lifting your hands out of the water you closed your eyes, deciding that you didn’t want to watch any of this, you could feel the tray lifted off your lap before another pair of hands guided your arms to lower back against the cloth with your palms facing up. 

After a second of drying you winced at the inflamed feeling burning back into your palms as you whined in discomfort, fingers tenderly ran against your neck in comfort causing you to immediately lean against the hand in comfort before you felt the balm applied. It was alright at first but then the stinging immediately kicked in causing a loud yelp from you, “Ah fuck!” You yelped, squeezing your eyes even tighter shut as you growled, “You said it was only going to sting!” 

“If I said it was going to hurt you would’ve cried again and no offense but I don’t want my head on a platter tonight Your Highness.” Taehyung replied as he continued putting the balm on the other head, your eyes however were already welling with tears in pain, “This is killing off anything bad that could’ve entered the wounds, it’s painful but necessary. We can start wrapping now so it’ll begin to soothe once we get the burns dressed.” 

You whined in pain as you felt the resume of fingers running against your neck once more in reassurance and a thumb rubbing tenderly just below the start of your jaw as Taehyung began dressing your hands loosely and carefully wrapped your fingers, “Alright, finished!” 

Wheein and Taehyung backed off of you as you collapsed back in bed as you sighed, opening your eyes as you felt relieved to see your wounds were dressed once more, “I’ll have Wheein tend to your wounds on your lower body unless…” He coughed a little, making you frown as you tilted your head, “If you’d prefer his Highness do it then.” 

“No!” You immediately barked out causing Jungkook to snort, “No I do not.”

“You don’t have anything I haven’t seen before, princess.” Jungkook said, making you snort in return, why did this man act as if he even wanted to see your body when you knew for a fact he didn’t. 

“Then you won’t feel like you haven’t missed out.” You replied back sorely, making Jungkook hold up his hands in surrender as he stood up.

“Someone’s feeling prickly today.” He commented, making you glare at his broad back as he grabbed his coat, “I have business to catch up on, I’ll be back later.” 

“The nerve.” You puffed as you rolled your eyes, something he hasn’t already seen before…! How dare that man even simplify your body to nothing more than just an object! 

Taehyung chuckled as he gave a bow, “I’ll leave you and Wheein to it, it won’t be nearly as painful with your lesser burns, that being said somebody will be here to assist and keep you company throughout your days while you are unable to help yourself. I will be back later as well, Your Highness.” 

With that he departed as well, closing his door on the way out. 

Wheein had pulled the covers off your bed as you winced a little frowning at the sight as she pulled the nightgown all the way up to your hips as you groaned, “...he’s lying isn’t he?” This burn wasn’t nearly as horrific as yours hands but it was still pretty bad. 

Wheein offered a sympathetic smile, “It can’t be as painful as what you just experienced so that’s better m’lady?” 

You leaned back as you closed your eyes once more, letting her begin to apply the balm as you winced, “Can you do that thing again…? Please…? You mumbled, feeling a little childish at the silly request but you loved physical touch, it was a love language you had always shared with your mother. 

“Do what?” Wheein asked as she continued to carefully spread it over the large burn that covered most of your thigh. 

“Rub my neck…” You sighed intending to cover your face with your hands only to realize that was no longer possible only making you try and look away from her as much as possible. 

Wheein was silent for a while before it became mildly uncomfortable causing you no other choice than to look at her as she stared at you. 

Her mouth was quirked in a weird way as if she was trying to fight off both a laugh and a smile, “My lady, that was your husband who did that.”

“...What…” 

The day hadn’t been too terrible, besides the occasional check in with Wheein you mainly slept throughout the whole day until it became dark out, the worst part of your day only included having the balm Taehyung made reapplied with each time he changed your dressing but admittedly it did make quite the difference compared to before. 

Outside of that you mainly slept not only out of tiredness but out of a futile attempt to block out the guilt the nearly ate you alive at how you let your own hands get to the state they were in. You had nobody to blame but yourself. To say you were upset...was an understatement, and thus, you chose to sleep as it wasn’t as if you could do anything to let out your own frustration. 

Taehyung and Wheein made no comments the entire time your hands bathed in the cool water, if you closed your eyes and pretended you hadn’t ruined them it could even be considered soothing. 

 As if sensing your inner distress neither said anything outside bidding their goodnights before they left for the night and of course Wheein had told you to just call for her if you needed anything at all during the night. 

Watching the door shut you finally crumpled against your pillows as you sighed, letting your head relax against the headboard. You had specifically told them you’d manage to lay yourself down with any help and though Wheein looked doubtful she had figured it wasn’t worth a fight.

Looking down at the wrapped wounds you scoffed, feeling the lingering knot in your throat come back as you shook your head. 

How could you be so careless? 

Words couldn’t even describe how you felt with yourself, so many things ran through your mind in anxiety as you sucked in a harsh breath, the only thing you could think however- was that it was a good thing you were already married. 

Just the thought made a somewhat bitter laugh escape you at the realization. Out of all the things you could think of- that was the first. Your smile slowly melted off your face into a more dim one as you sighed. It was the truth though, nobody would want damaged goods. That’s all you were after all- something to be sold off just like you were during your wedding.

It was as if the very person who lingered on your mind could sense your thoughts, much to your surprise your door was opened to reveal him. Jungkook was true to his word. When he hadn’t come around by afternoon you had just assumed he was too busy and assumed when he said he’d be back; that he was just lying. 

Clearly he wasn’t. 

He was in his nightwear, loose pants and the white button shirt that cut low on his chest that parted free of any confinement, “Well don’t look at me like that.” He snorted but you couldn’t help the way your nose wrinkled at the sight of him. 

“You couldn’t make the time to visit during the day? I’m getting ready to sleep.” Your hands rested in your lap as you curled a little away from his figure that sat in the chair that was still placed at your bedside. 

“I was busy.” Jungkook replied, his gaze neutral as he spoke, “And while I know you love sleeping your days away we need to discuss Seohyun and the duel.” 

Something in your mouth immediately soured at the mention of her. He couldn’t come here sooner to talk about this? Your jaw clenched a little as you looked away from him, “This couldn’t wait for the morning?” 

The sharpness in your words didn’t surpass Jungkook as his brows furrowed, not making that look on his face any less firm, if anything it only made him look somewhat defensive, “No it couldn’t. In case you forgot there’s less than a week left before you were supposed to fight her and you can’t in this state.” 

“Well then what’s there to discuss?” You finally sighed as you looked back at Jungkook, your patience wearing thin and you were tired, and you really didn’t give a damn about Seohyun right now, she was the last thing on your mind and while yes some of your worries were about her and what to do, Jungkook was right about one thing, “If it’s mutually agreed I’m useless now, what is there to discuss other then we have to call off the duel? If this was your only reason to visit me then you can go.” 

Jungkook’s expression didn’t change- in fact you’d even say he looked somewhat offended beneath that cold veneer he put on, “Don’t pretend like you’d want my company outside this, and you aren’t useless-” 

“I am!” You snapped out cutting him off, the abrupt sharpness in your voice had stopped him right in his tracks as you gritted your teeth in anger, “I can’t even feed myself right now! So don’t lie to me about that in some attempt to make me feel better!” 

There was an undeniable quiver in your lips as your shoulders crumpled in defeat, tears glossing your eyes as you mumbled,  “...I’m so tired of fighting Jungkook. If this is all we’re going to do, please just...go. I asked you before to not talk to me when you were sorting through your feelings and-” 

You let out a yelp at fingers digging into your chin, yanking your face to look up at him, Jungkook was now leaned over, those icy blue eyes drilling into yours as he spoke quietly, “This has nothing to do with her. Obviously I need to make this very clear to you Y/n, so don’t make me repeat myself,” Jungkook’s expression didn’t change as he continued, “I’m here because I chose to be here. Because I wanted to see you, Seohyun’s duel was only the first thing I wanted to discuss. I figured it was already clear to you what my decision was given you’re still here alive.” 

Jungkook stared at you for a long second, waiting for your reply but it didn’t come, your eyes only shut with more tears as he tucked his tongue into his cheek, finally sighing as he let go of your chin, sitting back down in his chair. 

There was a long awkward pause as you continued to sniffle and Jungkook couldn’t bare to sit in the silence any longer as he let out a long sigh, finally relenting as his expression melted into something more along hesitancy as he spoke, “...You said you wanted to set aside our differences to understand one another…” 

He scratched his neck as he spoke, now refusing to look directly at you, “...I’m not a man good with words, and I’m certainly not good with women and their feelings on top of it, but...I thought a lot about what you said and what you’ve done.” Jungkook’s eyes finally flickered back to you again as you sniffled, rubbing the back of hand to wipe your tears, “...I’m well aware that I’ve been unfair and cruel in the past, putting you under expectations you don’t know how to uphold or even know where to begin learning.” 

“What I’m trying to say is,” Jungkook sighed briefly, “...I’m sorry,” He scratched his cheek, his eyes now averted once more, “I know I come across callous but I try to be considerate, and while I haven’t shown it to you per say, I’m more inclined to trying now then I was when we first married.” 

“For someone who says he isn't good with words you talk a lot.” You sniffled with a mumble as you sat back against your pillows, trying your best to pretend as if all of his words weren’t flustering you even further. 

“It’s to make up for the fact that I’m not.” Jungkook snorted briefly, “Crying women put me on edge. So I’ll keep talking until you stop.” 

This earned a small but brief smile from you as you sniffled once more shaking your head as the expression slowly melted off your face, your eyes somberly looking at him as you sighed wistfully, “I’m not...I’m not crying because of you Jungkook...I’m just angry, at myself, at the world. At everything...How much do you know about Eunoia?” 

It was a soft spoken question as you peered at him somewhat shy, Jungkook looked as if he hadn’t expected the question as he cocked his head a little, a frowning setting on his face as he shrugged a little, “Not much, we don’t accept any imported goods from other countries, so our information is very limited on other nations unless it is relevant to civil affairs.” 

You managed to wiggle yourself closer to the edge of the bed as you sighed, trying to figure out where to start as you lowered your gaze a little, “...In Eunoia, we’re reverent to the Earth for springing forth life from it’s force. Everything has a soul, a story to tell. Every tree and flower, the butterflies and rabbits, down to each person which walks in our land. They say it's because our ancestors- the Dryads were birthed from the roots of the tallest oaks and that’s why we’re so connected with nature.” 

Jungkook sat quietly, listening to you intently but you felt a little nervous, he wasn’t the most expressive person. 

“So how do we tend to nature? How do we water it’s grass and feed it’s dirt? With our hands.” You held up your own, offering a weak smile as you gestured Jungkook, he looked a little confused before he somewhat cautiously held out his hand to you. 

You set it against your lap as you offered a small smile, tracing his pinky with the faintest of touch in an attempt to not disturb the dull ache your burns had continued, “The number 5 in my nation, is said to bring good luck, it’s because we have five fingers. The pinky represents innocence and oaths.” 

His hand was big, much bigger than your own and in fact, you were positive he could’ve crushed your own hand at any given moment if he so desired, but Jungkook now looked curious, leaned in forward a little as his eyes kept on his own hand as you continued to trace against it, “The ring finger represents love and compassion as well as vows to be kept. And the middle finger represents righteous anger and courage.” 

Your lips briefly pulled into a smile as you recalled your earliest memories, your own mother tracing your hand as she had explained the belief of 5 to you as a child, “The index finger represents moving forward and luck. And your thumb represents strength and endurance.” 

You paused as your lips began to coil into a frown as your fingers tenderly touched against the palm of his hand which was calloused thoroughly and rough, “But the palm of one’s hand is the most important and sacred of all, it’s what allows you to use all five to gift to others. For how can you promise another without it’s stead? To hold another's hand without it’s grip? To fight without it’s honor? To push your obstacles aside without it’s help? To hold without dropping?” 

Your face was now somber as you lowered your gaze, almost shamefully, “Hands are the giver of life to Eunoian’s, they’re so special; because how can we continue our traditions and livelihoods without them? How do we help those in need if we cannot help ourselves? How do we prune away the rot in the plants, dig in the soil, give life to what once gave life to us without them?” 

Your eyes were closed as you felt the warm wet tears slide down your cheeks in mourning as you tried to steady your voice, “So you understand, yes? What it means to me that I destroyed them…It’s utterly shameful in Eunoia to have hands scarred like this, especially intentionally...” 

Jungkook sighed softly, his eyes had become soft at your state and he hadn’t realized just what you were feeling internally until this moment, “You haven’t destroyed your hands,” He tutted somewhat exasperatedly, he grabbed your wrists as he held them up making you look at him, “Did Taehyung say you destroyed your hands?” 

“Well no-”

“That you’d never be able to use them after this?” 

“No-”

“That you will forever be seen as useless.” 

“N-no…” 

Jungkook’s gaze was steely- but it was different this time, his expression was intimidating, it was...almost reassuring though to someone who had never met him- they might not be able to tell the differences, “You told me how Eunoia see’s this. So let me tell you what Penumbrian’s see it as,” Jungkook’s grip tightened a little on your wrist as he spoke, “Much like swordsmanship is revered here, scars are an inevitable fate for all of us.” 

“It’s accepted as a process of learning the way of the blade, and especially to us who have fought in the wars. So when you are scarred, it’s not seen as something disgusting by us,” Jungkook’s gaze didn’t falter, “It’s seen as a celebration, a story. A moment of honor which you earned by sacrificing a small part of yourself. Glory comes in all shapes and sizes in scars,” Jungkook finally sighed as his grip softened a little on your wrist, “I’m sure....our ways are very different from yours...but you’re a Penumbrian Princess now, I won’t tell you what to let go of and what to keep, but just remember that we will never judge you for this. Not my people nor me.” 

Your lips quivered a little as your eyes rested on your hands, trying to not let your eyes gloss as you mumbled, “...I don’t regret what I did, I would never turn away someone who needed help...I just wish I had thought about what that might cause…” 

Jungkook sighed as he finally leaned back in his chair as he spoke solemnly, “I know.” He was far different from the love you had once known in Seokjin, by far, Jungkook was a world apart from him. But two little words somehow made the world of difference for you. 

The next few days had went by slowly and they were filled with monotony aside from occasional visits from Taehyung to check on your hands and Wheein checking in on you to make sure you were okay. 

And of course, your husband. He had made an appearance to see you at least once a day but he had admitted to you yesterday that he had fallen behind on work and was having to make up for it as of- whilst briefly mentioning his father who wasn’t happy about it. But he hadn’t lingered on the subject long enough for you to ask any questions. 

If there was one thing you were considered- resilient would be what you’d say. There was little to nothing you could do on your own but with enough boredom you eventually found a way to read. 

Your hands were burned severely and your fingers oozed with blisters which Taehyung had regretfully informed you would take another couple of days at least to go away, but the one part of your hands which weren’t burned were the sides. 

This was important information because this was how you managed to get a book into your lap, your eyes curiously drifting over each sentence before you turned the page with the side of your thumb. It wasn’t easy by any means but it wasn’t like you didn’t have all day. 

Speaking of- it was mid day and eventually Taehyung would return to soak your hands one last time before wrapping them for the night. You sighed as you glanced out of your window, lips quirking as sadness sunk into your chest. 

It was a bright sunny day and you couldn’t even go outside to enjoy it. 

You technically could but you had so many burns Taehyung had been worried the sun’s rays might make them worse and you truly weren’t in much walking condition, even more so if you couldn’t do anything about it. 

Shaking your head warily you decided to focus on your book once more, it wasn’t the most thrilling topic but it was definitely interesting to read how Penumbra rose to the wealth they had between their limited goods they exported- which made them extremely increased in value do to the quality craft. Not only this but smithing and metal work itself was also included in this as well. 

“You’re going to hunch permanently if you read like that.” 

You jolted, your book fell out of your lap as you scrambled in effort to catch it before letting out a frustrated whine at the sight of it hitting the ground. You looked up ungratefully at Jungkook’s figure that leaned against the doorway, “You could’ve knocked!” You whined out as you kicked your feet in frustration, “Now I can’t pick it up!” 

“You shouldn’t have even tried using your hands to begin with. In case you needed to be reminded; your hands are still extremely fragile,” Jungkook chastised lightly as he walked into the room, closing the door behind him before leaning down to pick up the book, sitting on the edge of the bed as he looked at the title, “Penumbra’s claim to wealth…?” His eyes furrowed as if somewhat confused as he glanced at you. 

You had nothing to be embarrassed about, after all you had much to learn about Penumbra but for some reason, being confronted with Jungkook on the subject still made you squirm, even if you were getting on better with him these last few days then you had the three months you had been married. 

Your face immediately burned in embarrassment and had it not been for your hands you would’ve snatched the book from him, “...I’m trying to understand how Penumbra’s wealth came to be and what they use to keep the wealth in their kingdom.” You mumbled before deciding to redirect the conversation, not wanting to be questioned on this, “What did Seohyun say…? About the duel?” 

You weren’t thrilled about mentioning her in conversation but Jungkook had told you yesterday that due to the state you were in he would go in your stead to talk to Seohyun about the duel and see if he could postpone it. When you first declined his offer Jungkook was relentless and continued on to mentioned it would be better he do it instead of you and finally after some debate you had gave your blessing though you still didn’t like the idea. 

You didn’t want to be seen in the eyes of Seohyun as hiding behind your husband. You could easily face her on your own, though you were dully aware Seohyun probably wasn’t above taking advantage of you while injured. Maybe Jungkook knew this as well and that was why he was so determined.

Jungkook ignored your attempt to lead the conversation elsewhere, his eyes continued to inspect the book as he opened it, “Well for one Penumbra’s wealth isn’t just from our exported goods- Not exactly, we couldn’t rely on that solely since we don’t send much wear out. Our main wealth comes from the mountain and miners who mine the material that create our goods, we had a plot of gold that was struck there back in 12EX and that skyrocketed our overall wealth. It was back after the great war of 11EX when our original kingdom of Seoul was destroyed and Penumbra was brought forth after it.” 

He closed the book as you sighed, your lips jutting into a pout at not being able to distract him as you had hoped, he puffed a breath of air, a ghost of smile tugging on his lips before it dropped, “Seohyun refused to change the deadline at first but after some persuasion she’s given another two month for you to prepare. Once you heal you will return to training with me.” 

“That was surprisingly easy…?” You furrowed your brows as you hummed, leaning back against the pillows as you silently looked at Jungkook in question. 

Jungkook didn’t say anything at first before he eventually shrugged, “I’d just be grateful that she agreed if I were you. She’s not exactly the giving type.” 

This made you puff a breath as you set your hands in your lap, “Oh I can tell.” You replied with a snort. 

In the beginning of your marriage you had just assumed Jungkook had committed infidelity a handful of times- not with any proof- it was simply what you felt would be in his nature at the time. But the longer you have gotten to know him, the more the idea began to bother you. Especially when Seohyun had made herself known to you. And even more so when it was brought to your attention their relationship was not just one in lust- but in love.

How could you possibly compete with something like that?

“Jungkook,” You hadn’t even meant to call his name but Jungkook’s attention was now on you as he sat down in the chair at your bedside.

Your words felt stuck in your throat at the realization that this was a horrible idea, but you were genuinely curious, the more you thought about Seohyun and Jungkook as a couple, the less sense it made to you. 

His brows lifted a little in acknowledgement as you somewhat hesitantly asked, “...May I ask...what made you attracted to Seohyun…? I just…” Your brows pinched as you pressed your lips together, “I mean this in the most inoffensive way possible, but I genuinely have a hard time imagining you both together.” 

Jungkook was silent for a long moment and it seemed as if he had been took off guard at your question. Perhaps he had just assumed you’d never ask something like this before. Regardless he wasn’t glaring at you so that had to be a good sign. 

Instead Jungkook only looked out the window which was bright with rays of sun, his expression remained the same and he pondered your words for a moment before he spoke, “...I loved her, in the way that I found comfort in somebody I could relate to. We had similar childhoods, the same friend group, we attended the same parties and events. She was the fire that melted my ice-” 

He huffed a breath of air- as if he didn’t personally feel this way- as he set his forearms on his knees, “-or at least that’s what many told me. I admired many things about her, her fiery personality was one of them. She was always hot headed growing up,” He rolled his eyes as if memories swam in his mind, “But what I enjoyed- and grew to love the most was her determination to speak up even in situations it was frowned upon. She never let somebody silence her when she felt convicted to say something.” 

“Are you saying you never spoke up in those situations?” You pulled one of the many pillows on your bed against you as you hugged in close, setting your chin on it as you tried to imagine him in his former years. 

You had a hard time envisioning Jungkook being someone quiet in a situation when he didn’t agree but then again, the more you had gotten to know Jungkook personally, he wasn’t necessarily someone who was highly opinionated. Even so, Jungkook still held a very strong presence even in his silence. 

Jungkook pressed his lips together before chuckling lowly as if what you said humored him, “Not per say,” He replied his voice oddly soft as his gaze kept on the window, “But I was often told as a child to not misspeak in a situation I didn’t have permission to do so or the knowledge required to fully understand. It’s different now that I’ve grown into my role, I’ve lived through wars and lead men, I’ve watched my fellow men die in battle and managed to turn the tides in our darkest hours. I gained much experience since then- and I know Seohyun would’ve stayed by my side had they let her go to war with me. But even without all of that, it’s never stopped her from voicing her opinion.”

You found a tiny smile forming on your lips as you spoke, “And that's very nice- but you didn’t answer my question.” 

Jungkook huffed a little, as if brought back to reality, though cool blue eyes that never ceased to stand out to you met your own as he shook his head, “You saw me as a child once, what do you make of that? The first time we truly met.” 

You had to do a double take as you raised your brows in somewhat surprise, “...You remember that? At Yule?” 

You’d be lying to say you weren’t shocked Jungkook remembered that Yule when you both were children, the same memory you had hated when you first wedded Jungkook was now brought back to your mind, the memory of him as a little boy, he had been shorter then you by a few inches back then and he was a small thing truly.

Those eyes of his however were just as unwelcoming back then as they were now though truthfully, still. You do remember the way he had been hiding behind his uncle's legs.

“Well,” Jungkook drew a breath as he finally leaned back in his chair, “Truthfully you were the only one who didn’t seem afraid of me. You kept trying to get me to dance.” 

You tilted your head in surprise, “You remember more than I do...All I remember was you continually running away from me.” 

“I wasn’t allowed to play with other children during my youth,” Jungkook ushered softly, “Yule was the first time I had been in such a social setting before- I was considerably shy as a child, but even more so when I had been put in that event...Not to mention I thought you…” Jungkook suddenly paused his words, his gaze snapping to you as you frowned. 

It was silent for a long moment and finally he sighed, shaking his head, looking somewhat brooding though you didn’t understand.

“Are you okay? Your ears look red…?” 

Jungkook’s hands instantly covered his ears briefly as if to hide them as he replied with a somewhat gritted tone, “I’m fine.” 

You let out a brief laugh as you raised your brows in amusement. What…? Was this a peak of his own shyness coming out? You didn’t press him because it looked somewhat amusing but rather you decided to save him from it as you asked softly, “You said you weren’t allowed to play other children...why was that?” 

Jungkook dropped his hands as he frowned a little, “My father always said it was a distraction and that, I would one day be king and I needed to study and train, it wasn’t until I was older that I was allowed more free time, it was just a few years before I begun my training in the academy for war.”

“But you had to have gotten lonely…” You frowned, “You were a child…” 

Jungkook shrugged a little, as if unsure of what to say at the sight of your softened eyes, he looked a bit awkward as he spoke, “I was a shy boy growing up, I preferred my own company over others- I still do if I’m honest. And I did have the other boys that trained alongside me growing up. Such as Jimin and even Hoseok, I wasn’t close to them then, but we grew up together and that in itself has made them irreplaceable to me.” 

You smiled tenderly at his words which made Jungkook’s gaze sharpen a little, “Don’t ever tell them I said that. Their ego knows no bounds and I’d rather die than puff it any further for them.” 

Amusement was written on your face as you nodded, “Your secret is safe with me. Now are you just going to hold that or are you going to at least do me the favor of reading to me?” 

“I’m not a teacher,” Jungkook snorted but nevertheless opened the book, “How have you even managed to read all of this on your own? Better yet, how much do you know?” 

Pressing your cheek into the pillow you shrugged as you yawned, “Well I keep a journal for my studies to help me remember, but Namjoon has been helping me in the great library. He’s quite knowledgeable and a wonderful teacher too.” 

You felt confused as you watched Jungkook’s expression shift and his body straighten a little as he mumbled, “Namjoon…?” He looked a little childish in his words as he spoke up, “You could’ve just asked me to help you if you truly wanted to know about Penumbra.” 

“You just told me you aren’t a teacher!” You cried out in exasperation, “How was I supposed to know you wanted to help me? In fact,” You waved your hand as you straightened up, “I’m positive you didn’t want to help me. I mean I appreciate it but you truly are sending me mixed signals here.”

Jungkook tucked his tongue into his cheek as he replied, “Well that's your fault for assuming, if you came to me genuinely curious and maybe added a please in, I would’ve been fine teaching you. Or at the very least answering any questions you had.”

You clacked your tongue in disbelief before you rolled your eyes exasperatedly, “You and your need for my mannerism is quite humorous,” A mischievous thought pulled over you as you spoke nonchalantly, “And I’m not asking though, I’m quite happy with Namjoon, he has a very beautiful way of explaining.” 

You bursted with giggles at the way Jungkook tried to fight the sour expression on his face as you laughed, “But who am I to decline you? I’d be more than happy to have you teach me whenever you have a chance.” 

“Good,” Jungkook replied, looking a little awkward and unsure of how to reply as he cleared his throat, “I want to make sure you’re learning everything correctly with no misinformation.” 

You gestured towards the book in his hand as you hid your smile against the pillow, “Then start reading, I’m waiting.” You hugged your pillow close as Jungkook sighed, looking almost hesitant, as if he didn’t enjoy speaking allowed before he cleared his throat,  as he opened the book where your page marker was at and began to read aloud. 

Funny enough, his voice was quite soothing to listen to when he spoke just a hair louder than his usual quiet tone, it was strong and smooth and he’d occasionally pause in his sentence to explain in further detail whatever the book was talking about. 

You were perched up, eagerly listening to his explanations and detail and time had passed quickly without either of you realizing it, too busy enjoying the conversation the other had to offer. 

[oddaodd]

· Maimed ·

Summary: Tommy finds out Y/n had to resort to prostitution while he was away at war and doesn't handle it well. 

Author’s note: This was requested by the lovely @idgaf2022  and I just gotta say I fell in love with this request and Im very happy with how it turned out . As always, I wish you all the loveliest of days. ❤️

Warnings: mentions of prostitution, war and an accident with a knife.

·

“When where you going to tell me?” Came his voice void of all emotion. His eyes piercing through her skin.

“Tell you what?” She smiled. Her mind refusing to believe she knew what he was talking about.

“I was at The Garrison today” he began There was a man, a man I had never seen before. He spun such yarns about you ” he paused and took a look at Y/n’s face. Her smile long gone. She knew what he was talking about.

“At first I though he must be stupid to come up with such stories about my wife in my pub, but then when nobody  believed him, he mentioned the scar you have under your ribs” he spoke pointing at the place where she evidently had a scar.

“Tommy… I..I” But she couldn’t find the words, they were all held back by the knot in her throat.

The war had been hell. Everyone had lived through it differently. Tommy and his brothers and many other men had had to go and fight and Y/n and Polly and Ada and many other women had had to stay behind and run the country while the men were gone. They were dark times abundant with need and scarceness.  Y/n had tried her best to keep her and tommy’s baby daughter, Josephine away from need and hunger. Having just gotten married and had their baby, Y/n had her hands tied. She tried to help Polly as much as she could at the shop but sometimes there just wasn’t enough money which lead Y/n to charging fro her company to the men who didn’t serve. All for Jo’s sake.

When Tommy came back she never mentioned it, ready to put it behind her and every night she prayed for Tommy to never find out. All her customers had been from outside of Birmingham after all.  

“Did you seriously think I’d never find out?”

“No” she began, taking his hands in her shaky ones she wanted to, but she knew she couldn’t hide it forever. “No, but I just… I just didn’t know If I wanted you to know. I felt so ashamed and I didn’t want to bring it up when I knew I would never have to do it again. Things were hard when you left …”

“ It must have been such a sacrifice” he muttered bitterly and snatched his hands away from hers.

“How dare you?” she spat “You have no idea of how hard it was when you were away, the money from the shop just wasn’t enough!”

“Oh I bet” he said sarcastically “You’ve never liked sleeping alone.”

“Thomas...” she warned dumbfounded on the verge of tears. She couldn’t believe her own husband was making her feel like shit.

But he ignored her tone and her hurt features “Needed someone to keep your bed warm while I was away” he spat mercilessly “Or maybe you just missed the feeling of someone between your legs”

At his venomous words Y/n saw her own hand moving in slow motion before it crashed against Tommy’s cheek. She couldn’t handle him to keep talking like that, digging up a past she tried so hard to burry deep down. Her lips parted at her own actions.

When Tommy’s unchanging face fixed upon her again he noticed the tears that had so vehemently threatened to spill had finally succeed in doing so. Triggering a feeling of deep guilt deep within his soul.

“Fuck you” she spoke in a maimed voice. Tommy prepared himself for more verbal retaliation from her, but she left the room without another word and a few minutes later he heard the engine of a car shortly followed by the sound of tires moving on the gravel.

It was only then when Tommy realized he had maybe taken it too far. He wasn’t acting out of hatred. When he heard the bloke talking about how well Y/N felt snd bragging about having fucked Thomas Shelby’s wife, he felt his anger rise to levels he hadn’t known till before that unfaithful night. The man, obviously was dead before Tommy began heading home.

Nasty emotions had been festering in his mind with every kilometer he drove and when he saw Y/n when he arrived home, it all exploded.He was angry, not necessarily at Y/n, but angry at what she had done, angry at himself. He hated that he couldn’t have avoided what lead to Y/n having to do what she had done.

Y/n avoided her husband to her best efforts for the following week. Polly took her and her daughter in when she knocked crying on her door. Y/n couldn’t shake the nasty feelings Thomas had awoken within her. She couldn’t stand more than an hour without breaking into tears and her heart broke every time her little Jo looked at her with worried eyes, ignorant of what she was going through. It wasn’t something a 7 year old should know about.

Polly understood Y/n’s pain and helped her take care of Jo when she couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed.

“Your mummy’s tired. Let’s let her rest”

She had been there with her all along and when Y/n had asked her to keep her secret all those years ago, Polly obliged without question. She knew her nephew wouldn’t comprehend.

Days went by slow, heavy and cold. One Friday evening, pol had taken Jo to the movies giving Y/n a little time for herself.

Oddly enough, she felt like cooking so she made her way downstairs and began making vegetable soup. After half an hour or so she heard the front door opening.

“Was the film good?” She asked loudly hoping to hear the sound of Jo’s voice, but when she heard the footsteps coming closer to the kitchen she immediately identified them as Tommy’s  

“Please go away” she asked in such a broken voice that made Tommy contemplate on going away to not cause her further discomfort, but he stayed because he knew he had to make it right.

“We should talk” he said in an uncertain voice standing at a respectable distance from his wife.

“I don’t want to talk” she spoke shakily. Goosebumps suddenly taking over her body.

“I’m so sorry Y/n, I..”

“You made me feel like dirt” she stated as she heard his footsteps drawing nearer to her with his uncharacteristic apology.

“I spent so much time forcing myself to be alright with what I had to do keep Jo and I alive  and then to try and forget all about it when you came back” a  heavy breath holding back her years as she began chopping a carrot.

“But now you brought it back up and I... I feel so filthy, I’ve showered three times today and I don’t feel any better.” She continued as the first tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Y/n “He began softly placing a testing hand on her waist. She shook it away.

“Look at me” he pleaded

But Y/n shook her head no. Knowing he was in no place to reproach, he respected her unwillingness to look at him and spoke.

“Im so sorry, Y/n. I was selfish and didn’t stop to think about what you were feeling”

Y/n’s body continued to shake with silent sobs

“I now know I was in no place to judge what you had to do to survive and  I won’t ever forgive myself for making you hurt like this”

“Yeah you were in no place” y/n spat with sudden anger as she continued cutting the vegetables with tears in her eyes “Not when you didn’t even stop to ask me and decided to just listen to the part of the story some bloke told you and not...” she hadn’t noticed the force she was putting into her cutting skills until the knife grazed her finger.  

She yanked her hand away from the cutting board with a wince and immediately went to grab a piece of cloth to  wrap her finger in.

“Fuck, y/n” Tommy said coming to her side when he heard her wince. “Are you alright?”

She shook her head no and he knew she wasn’t answering about the cut.

“Please look at me” he tried again and to his surprise this time Y/n did tilt her face to face him.

The sight of her bloodshot eyes tore cracks in Tommy’s heart. And his hands shook a little when he cupped her face, a few tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I love you Y/n” he professed looking into her eyes.”I’m so sorry I was so crass about it. And I promise you’ll never have to do that ever again. I’ll keep you safe”

At his words Y/n’s hands went to his. She understood and accepted his repentance, but it did little to soften the pain she felt. Tommys hands then went to tuck a few strands of her loose hair behind her ear his eyes still set on hers.

Y/n then succumbed to the sudden need she felt for his touch and embraced him with uncertain arms. Tommy corresponded instantly wrapping his own arms around her fragile figure.  After a few moments of silence and much needed touch, he asked to her ear if she could ever forgive him.

“Yes” she spoke weakly but she wasn’t entirely certain she meant it. She wanted to forgive him but she didn’t know if she could ever forget his hateful words. Tommy knew it well enough.

·

@captivatedbycillianmurphy @nyotamalfoy @peakyxtommy @writeroutoftime @lilymurphy03

[joanofdescension]

Depression Draft 2 (take 2)

I tasted the bleakness littered on his face. The, bleak, snowy white on a freshly blaanketed mountain. They type to lead you to a different place, I was back at home loved, but that’s not what I happened. It was cold and so warm. I never felt so loved, because I was never loved, stop tricking yourself with this mistake.

Why is it so fucking hard to understand that nobody loves you, youre a fucking fuck up with a fucked up face, fuck up, fuck yp, fuckip,duixip,duckip,dufckuofuckuipfuckupufuckopfuckupfuckupfuckuofuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckuofuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfukcupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfcuoluoclupfucoucfpcufkpukcfpcfukukpcfufcpkpkucfupfckfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckupfuckuupfukucppcufpfcu

They left you because you fuck up relationships. You chase them away with yourself. You can’t stay still with your one mood. You get angry and things you regret and hurt people. Even when you don’t mean and words just slip out. “accidental wording”, impulsive words, WORD THAT YOU DONT EVEN FUCKING MEAN. What’s wrong with you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ˆ ϨÇ˜˝ ÓÅˇ´ Áب¯ Áب ˜Ø„ ˇÓÅˇ¯ ‰ˆ˝˝Óˇ¿ ˜ØıØÎÁÒØ◊´Í Áب ˜ØıØÎÁ ÇŘ ϨÇˆ˜˝ ÒØ◊´ Áب ˜¯ ÇŘ ˇÓ´Á¿ ˆ ϨÇˆ˜˝ ÓÅˇ´ Áب. Áب ÇŘ ˆÒÒ Áب‰Í´ÒÏ ˜Ø„˘Ive been trying my hardest to be good but it never works outˆ ÎØ˜Æˇ ϨÇˆ˜˝ ˜´b´Î Å ‰´ÅÍؘ ˇØ ljÁ˘ Ԩ͡ Òˆ´ I ˜

You dont deserve anything good

ˆ Îؘˇ ˜´´´Î ŠϨÇˆ˜˝ ‰´ÅÍؘ ˇØ ljÁ˘ Ԩ͡ Òˆ´ ˆ „ؘˇ ʼn´ ˆÏ Áب ljÁ¥ø¨®´ ˜ø† ßå∂ ßø ¥ø¨ ∂ø˜† ∂´ß´®√´ †ø 箥Áب Çء ϨÇˆ˜˝ ÍˇÅ‰ˇ بˇ ˇÓ´ ÎÅÁ Òˆ´ ˇÓˆÍ Áب‰´ ˜Øˇ ÍÅÎؘÒÁ ∏‰´ˇ´˜Îˆ˜ ˇØ ı´Ç¨Í ˆÍ Áب „´‰´ Åǡ¨ÅÒÒÁ ÍÅÎ Áب „بÒΘˇ ı´ ˇÓ؈˜ˆ˜˝ Åıبˇ ˇÓˆ

¥ø¨®´ ®ˆß˚ˆ˜© ¥ø¨® ƒå†´ ¥˚˜ø

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there it was…just sitting in front of her, something so simple, something every girl uses sat in front of her

There was nail polish.

Nail polish is poisonous, right? You’ll die if you drank nail polish……………………………….>>>>>>>>>>SD?????????????????????????????????????????????///////??????????Sasses……………………///////////////////////////sassed////////////////////////////////////////dss////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////.////////////////////////////////////////

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im so fucking sorry I look like this

Happiness is fucking failing, nothing she loves is making her happy She’s broken She's tired of wondering why she wasn’t hoppy. So she went to sleep with the raging thoughts in her brain, ever-present 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She put on foot on a rock and waited till everyone in the house was tired and had no idea what was going on

She crashed the poor, pathetic foot onto the other vulnerable one, stuck on a rock, with no way to ask for help.

Ooooh-! Fuck…! Fuck, fuck, fuck-

She ran with her bare feet, fully exposed to the wiggling bacteria around the floor to the bathroom

But instead she crashed into her own sink and made her head bleed

And toppled to the floor with her hand clutching her head

And sprawled out her legs, legs apart as the supplies she dropped from hitting her head were put in the middle

Grabbed the disinfectant and gauze and covered them on her foot

Oh no  Oh no

She wasn’t thinking, she wasn’t supposed to do that

She’s gonna need to clean up the living room, it’s covered in droplets of blood

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damn idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot fucking stupid I fucking hate you I hate you I hate myself I cant fucking stand myself I fucking  hate myself why am I not fuisnfkcing dead yet, I want to kill myself mail myselisj koilluyself Brainless, brain less brainless

WHY CANT I FICKONG DO SOEMTHIGN WITHOUT SOMOEONE KNOWING I DONT WANT ANYONE PLEASE PELALSE P>EASE PLEAASAE PLASAE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PELEAS PLEASE PLES

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t fucking take this. Tonight is the night she dies, because she’s just a girl, a scared little girl. A tiny fucking baby who cried until it has handed to her. Someone that everybody hates, I fucking hate her too. I hate her, so much.

You’re not cute so k*ll yourself

Youre not funny so k*ll yourself

You cant do anything so k*ll yourself

Nobody loves you so k*ll yourself

You can only be so young to do all this horrible shit, so tell me, when’s the age of accountilibility? /lh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm glad that nobody cares about me, or else I’d drag them down with my thoughtsYoure broken! No matter how happy you get, youre just sad and miserable! Broken, broken, broken and ugly! Nobody loves you because your ugly, broken, and sad

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He didnt care enough about me to notice that she got better at painting at first………..

……..…….what did he care about me then

He only cares about your body

She knew that and didn’t want to believe that since

Her body was ugly

Yet she felt his fingers rub from her breasts and smoothen out to a hand as it reached her stomach

It felt nice to be wanted

Little moans of pain

"You only stop whenvver it hurts too much~”

But I can keep on going, just till this concedes. I can take it, I’m a grown up. …

I dont want it anymore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tried my hardest, I try my best

But somehow its still wrong

PLEEASE LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM, FOR WHAT I DO

“I’m fine,”

IM FINE- ALLY GONNA FUCKING SHOOT MYSELF!

PLEAE TELL WHAT TO DO TO BE LOVED

“Dumbass”

….why would you say that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The steam radiated onto her and turned her into a sweaty mess

The moon light hit her sloppy oatmeal

But is she to deny her beloved’s food to her stomach? He’s done everything right just to get it

She was shocked and startled to hear soemthing giggling

She looked up to see a child laughing

“Mommy! It’s been so long since you made this!” And nasty giggles erupted from the child’s mouth.

Grumbles from a teenager

“’S alright, I guess.” And yet a lighthearted smile shown through

What happened to any of those?

Both of them were her

She hasnt liked her favorite meal in a while

[harrysgoldenline]

Burnt Cookies

“Good morning!” She smiled, seeing Harry rubbing his tired eyes as he walked out into the kitchen, baggy sweatpants low on his hips as he walks up to her, placing a kiss on her temple.

“Already baking, love?” He chuckles lowly, voice gravely from just waking, arms going around her waist as he stands behind her as she starts measuring out the brown sugar.

“Of course!” She giggles, leaning back into him, warmth radiating off his bare chest, “both of our families are coming for Christmas, H. Everything has to be perfect! So I was thinking maybe on top of our baking day we can also clean up a bit and put up more last minute decorations I got?” She explained with a smile, turning around and facing him, hands on his chest.

They’ve had this day planned for a couple weeks now, finally a weekend where they were both completely free and were going to dedicate to baking and getting the house, that Y/N recently (officially) moved into, ready for the first Christmas their families will have together.

Harry freezes a moment, face falling down into her neck and left letting out a sigh as he releases a low ‘fuck’. Coming over and facing his girlfriends front, and lifting her to the counter, making her sit slightly more at his eye level. “I’m sorry baby, I totally forgot and I have to go to this lunch, meeting thing.” He frowned, a ring covered hand going up to the side of her face, “but I promise you lovie, after that, I’m all yours for the rest of the weekend like we planned.”

“Oh.” She frowns, trying to ignore the heavy weight of her heart in her chest. Although it’s just a lunch, she was selfishly disappointed that she didn’t get to have him all on her own, “it’s okay.” She says, forcing a smile as she pulls him closer.

“You’re upset.” He replies, frown now on his face. “I really am sorry, wanna stay here with you.”

“No really I’m fine.” She says, forcing herself to sit up straight, “just being selfish.” She added forcing a laugh, “will you be gone long?”

“I’m not sure.” He says, pouting out his bottom lip, moving a piece of her hair that fell in her face, “I promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He nodded, grabbing her face and pressing his lips to hers a few times before turning around, heading back to their bedroom.

Her frown deepened, hearing him rummage around, most likely picking out an outfit. She let out a sigh, sliding off the counter and getting back to baking, working on the second batch of cookies, Anne’s favorite.

Not long after, Harry dashes out with a quick kiss and a “see you soon, my love!” before she could even say a word.

She watches him drive off, feeling a bit sluggish as she continues. Starting on a different cookie as the other goes in the oven, this time starting on her sisters as well as Gemmas favorite.

Soon, time catches up to her and she is just sitting and rotating cookies in and out of the oven every fifteen minutes, seeing a couple of hours have passed and she reaches for her phone, sending a text to Harry, asking if he would be home soon. Although she still has time to spare so she opens twitter, laughing at some videos and trying to find some things to entertain herself, but she nearly drops her phone at what she sees next.

“SPOTTED: Harry Styles out with ex-girlfriend Camille Rowe. Click HERE for more info on their lunch date!”

Her heart plummets, phone falling out of her hand, hitting the ground nearly a second later as she is sat on the floor next to the oven. It takes everything in her to not click the link, but she can’t stop herself from scrolling down and seeing what everyone was saying.

It was a mix of positive and negative emotions, some people happy to see the two back together, some people’s hearts going out to Y/N, while some are just jealous Harry is with someone period.

She feels glued to the floor, the photo of Harry smiling at her as they sit across from each other going blurry as her eyes fill up with tears, soon completely spilling over as she begins to sob, wet tears covering her cheeks as she sits on the floor of their shared kitchen.

These rumors obviously happen all of the time and at first of course, they all bothered her. But, as time passed and her relationship with Harry flourished, she trusted him, and often she knew the women he was spotted with so she knew she had nothing to worry about.

Y/N of course already knew Camille, but this time it made rumors much harder. This was the girl Harry had practically written a whole album about.

The smell of burning pulls her out and she quickly rushes to her feet, putting on a mitt and pulling them out of the oven before sinking back down and crying.

“Y/N?” She heard a voice and a door shutting before she sees Harry standing in front of her, sinking down to her level, “lovie, what happened?”

“I burnt the cookies” she cried, knees tucked into her chest as she holds herself tightly, “I-I’m sorry- I-I”

“It’s okay!” He chuckles, pulling her hands away from her face, “just cookies, yeah? I see ‘nother batch of the same kind on the counter. What’s wrong with those? I mean we can make more if you wanna.”

“I-I...” she stutters, bottom lip quivering and she looks up at him, face softening as she sees the concern in his face,and she can’t help but cave in, “I just wanted everything to perfect... I just wanna be good enough.”

“What?” He nearly laughs, “are you joking? Mum and Gemma love you! What could possibly make you think that-... fuck.” He curses, pinching the bridge of his nose, “it’s online innit? I swear darling, just let me explain, it’s really not what you think.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was with her? Why did you make it seem like... like it was for work, Harry? I just don’t understand... don’t you see how hurtful this is for me?” She rambles, voice weak as she adds, “you were in love with her Harry... I mean- are you still? Do you still love her?”

Harry’s heart dropped, seeing the woman he loves sitting before him, tear stained cheeks after she spent all day in the kitchen trying to make sure that his sister and mother would just have their favorite cookies. Just so they would be happy.

“It really was for work, I wanted to ask her if it was alright to say somethings, I mean... everyone knows it’s gonna be ‘bout her, so I didn’t want to go around saying certain things.” He frowns, “Im sorry, I should have told you, but especially after fucking up and forgetting that this was supposed to be our weekend... I just didn’t want you upset.”

“Say what?” She asked, starting to feel defensive and angry, “who cares what you say? Why does it matter? I don’t know- I just don’t understand Harry. Other people wanted to see me this weekend too, believe it or not Harry. But I said no because this was supposed to be OUR weekend.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” He frowned, running his hands through his hair and rubbing his face in frustration, sitting down fully on the floor in front of her, “I fucked up and I’m sorry. I forgot that this was supposed to be our weekend and I’ll do everything I can to make it up to you. But I have to tell you what I said to her.”

She only nods, grimacing ahead of time as she just imagined them together, the image of them in her head nearly tears her apart.

“I asked her if it was okay if in interviews and tour... if I talked about going through a terrible break up, finding myself, finding my own happiness and finding you.” He slowly explains, taking her hand and running his thumb along it, “You know how the fans can be. I didn’t want them to hate her more than they already do and although she did some bad things, nobody deserves to be hated by the world like that.”

“I guess.” She grumbles, scooting closer to him as she feels herself giving in, “you couldn’t of just texted her that?”

“I don’t have her number anymore, Jeff set it up.” He adds, “didn’t even know she was in town. I swear on it, here take my phone.”

“I believe you.” She giggles, handing his phone back and leaning into his shoulder, “I’m sorry for being crazy...”

“Stop it. You’re not crazy, don’t even say such a thing. I know this whole album and press has been hard for you and I cannot express how sorry I am about that.” He explained, taking her face in his hands and kissing her gently, pulling her into his lap, “and are you serious? Still love her? Not at all. That stopped a long time ago, before I even met ya.”

She didn’t say a word, cuddling into him more and snuggling her face in his neck and playing with the soft hairs at the nape of his neck as she only letting out sniffles.

“Stopped and then some months later I met you.” He whispered, rubbing her back softly, “I knew from the moment I met you, that I was gonna fall in love with you, and I was right” he chuckled, “I’m so in love with you, it scares the shit out of me, never felt anything like this... I’m gonna marry you someday.”

“Really?” She squeaks, pulling back wide eyed, “you wanna marry me?”

“If you’d let me... mums been talking about grandkids since I told her I loved you...” he chuckles, “thought about playing a prank on her this Christmas.”

“Harry!” She laughs, slapping his shoulder, “that’s so mean!”

“I’m sorry but it would be hilarious.” He laughs loudly, putting his hands up in defense before they fall on her hips, looking at her in adoration, “I really, really love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Bubs.” She smiles, “and I am sorry, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions... or jump down your throat for not spending every second with you on your day off. You have lots of people who wanna see you.”

Harry let’s out an over dramatic gasp, “this is OUR weekend! You’re gonna have me every second of the day and you’re going to absolutely go crazy.” He chuckles, “you’re my priority. Nobody else. Now shall we get off the floor and keep baking or... should we get off the floor and go to our room?”

“I think baking can wait.”

[getsojaded]

chemistry || calum hood

word count: 3.8k+

warnings: mentions of weed, swear words, mention of injury, food & the slightest bit of sex talk

a/n: hey twt moots ;)) anyways, this is inspired by this post! i hope u all enjoy <3

-

It was about 11 pm, and I had just finished taking an unnecessarily large amount of notes for chemistry class. With a sore, shaky hand and a vision that was starting to go blurry, I had finally finished ten pages. Who knew that there was so much information about 5 organic compounds?

I yawned in my seat, stretching my arms out and removing my glasses. I was more than thankful that I can call it a night, and walked towards my bathroom to get ready for bed, which took a good 30 minutes. It usually doesn’t take me that long, but fuck, I was exhausted this whole day. After all my skincare was completed, I walked back to my bedroom and hopped into my bed, prepared for a well deserved rest. After slouching for a good three and a half hours, comforter and pillows had never felt so good against my body. 

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I heard a loud ding! from my phone and I opened my heavy eyes, which immediately annoyed me. I ignored the first one and tried to go back to sleep, but one ding turned into six and I couldn’t take it anymore. I angrily ripped the covers off my body, sitting up right after reaching for my phone on the nightstand beside my bed.

6 New Text Messages from: calum hood

hey wyd rn

can you do me a favour

i need your help

im at this party right now and i’m about to get high as fuck but i forgot about our homework for tomorrow and i was wondering if you could do them for me

you don’t even need to make them look pretty like how you do it just take down the important shit

please

“What the fuck?” I whsipered to myself as I looked at my phone. “Who does this bitch think he is?”

to: calum hood

are you fucking serious right now

from: calum hood

please i’m really sorry LOL i completely forgot about it

i know your smarty pants finished it the second you got home please

i’ll literally buy you starbucks tomorrow morning

As much as I hated to admit it, his last text message kind of convinced me. I was a sucker for coffee, and could really stop spending money on it every morning. But was I really about to lose some more sleep just to do the party boy’s notes? I barely know this kid anyways. How’d this guy even get into college? 

to: calum hood

is it gonna be a venti

from: calum hood:

if that’s what you want, sure

I knew I was going to regret this decision, but I threw on my glasses and put my hair up once again, walking towards my desk. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I sighed out, opening my laptop and gathering my supplies together. I unlocked my phone, seeing that the time was 12 am. Am I doing this for coffee or am I doing this because he’s attractive and I couldn’t really say no to him? I groaned and leaned my head on my desk, texting him back.

to: calum hood

i hate you so much

get me a venti iced white mocha no whip and an extra espresso shot

actually no make that two extra espresso shots cause bc of your dumbass im staying up 

from: calum hood

i gotchu angel

thank you so much, see you tomorrow :)

“Fuck off with the petname and the smiley face,” I angrily cursed at my phone, picking up my pencil and beginning to write another ten pages of notes. 

“I hate this bitch,” I said, throwing my pencil onto my desk and slamming my laptop shut. The time was now 3:45 am and tired was an understatement for me. I crawled into bed, falling asleep almost immediatly, hoping that these 5 hours of sleep will give me enough energy to get through class tomorrow.

-

“You have got to be fucking joking me,” I mumbled, reaching over for my phone to turn off the alarm. I was definitely not a morning person, and the fact that I didn’t get at least 7 hours of sleep meant that I was not going to be in a good mood today.

I slowly crawled out of bed and began trudging towards my bathroom, seeing I had gotten a text meesage from the man himself. I rolled my eyes seeing his name pop up, opening the conversation between him and I.

from: calum hood

goodmorning!

to: calum hood

fuck off

I set my phone aside, getting ready for bed in the slowest way possible. I honestly could care less about what I looked like today, so I decided on a hoodie and sweatpants. I went back into my room and packed my bag with everything I needed, including Calum’s stupid study notes. I threw it over my shoulder, putting on my shoes and walking out the front door, into my car. Thankfully my college was not too far from my apartment, so it didn’t matter if I was running a couple of minutes late.

Parking my car and walking towards class, more and more annoyance filled my body, hoping that nobody would say a word to me, or even better, look in my direction. As I walked into the classroom, I walked towards the empty seats in the very back, choosing the one closest to the wall. I got settled into my seat, leaning the side of my head against the wall, hoping that I’d get the tiniest bit of extra rest.

“The last text message you sent to me wasn’t very nice.” I heard a voice beside me say. I opened my eyes and looked up, seeing the stupid Calum Hood. He was holding two cups of coffee - one for me, and one for him I’m assuming - and was wearing a maroon hoodie, which he actually looked really good in.

“I don’t think you deserve to have a nice goodmorning text, because you are the reason I’m in a pissy mood today, thank you very much.” I responded, taking my coffee from his hand and placing it on my desk. I reached into my bag and took the study notes I wrote for him, slapping it onto the desk beside me.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as our professor began to speak up, indicating that class had begun. “What can I do in order for you not to be mad at me?” I turned to look at him. He had the biggest pouty face I had ever seen, which was absolutely adorable. But I’d never tell him that.

“Just shut up.” I sighed, turning back towards the board, opening my notebook and beginning to take notes. 

Not even ten minutes later, a green sticky note caught my eye as I was writing. My eyes gazed towards the sticky note, scoffing at what was written on it.

Pls forgive me :(

I turned towards Calum, who was currently well focused on the board in front of us. I lightly chuckled, knowing he was more than pretending to actually pay attention in this class.

I thought I told you to shut up, I wrote underneath his writing and stuck it back onto his desk, and continued from where I left off. I got maybe 5 words in before I saw the neon green appear back onto my desk. I can’t shut up if I’m not talking.

I rolled my eyes before crumbling the paper in my hand, looking at Calum once again. “You’re distracting me. What do you want?” I asked him, the brunette boy turning his head to me once again. 

“For you not to be mad at me.” He responded. “What can I do for you to at least smile at me? Besides telling me to shut up.” 

I stared at him with the bitchiest face I could put on, then rolled my eyes and began to take down more notes in my book. First, he makes me write ten pages for him and now he’s distracting me in class. Can he leave me alone for at least five minutes? 

“And now you’re not gonna talk to me. Fine, be that way.” He grunted. The two of went back to what to we were doing for the remainder of class.

-

“That’s all for today folks, I hope you have a good rest of your day and don’t forget to read pages thirty to thirty-five and finish questions one to twenty-seven.” Our professor said to all of the class, which resulted in me grabbing my bag and standing up immediately, wanting nothing more than to just get the fuck out of this place.

Please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me please don’t talk to me-

“Hey wait,” Calum said and grabbed my hand. 

Fuck

“Yes?” I asked him, turning my body towards him as he let go of my hand. 

“What’re you doing the rest of the day?” 

“Nothing, why..?”

I saw that Calum had the cheekiest grin on his face after I gave him my answer. “As an apology for making you write down my notes, thank you very much by the way, along with making you angry this whole morning, how about we go get breakfast on me, and we can do our homework together, except I will do all the work, and you just copy my answers? How does that sound?”

I thought about it. One part of me just wanted to flip him off, go back home and get the sleep I missed out on last night. The other part of me was actually kind of down for that idea. Free food, free homework answers and I get to hang out with pretty boy? I wasn’t really losing anything here, huh? 

“I mean, I would say yes, but I took my car here and also I’m dressed terribly right now, the last thing I need is for more people to see me looking like this..” I trailed off, looking down at my current outfit and laughing lightly. “Babe, you don’t even look bad whatsoever right now. However, if you insist, you can go home and change and I can come get you when you’re ready. Is that a plan?” He asked in response. First angel, now babe? What is this guy doing?

“I mean.. I could do that...but-” “Pleeaaasee?” Calum cut me off, pressing his hands together, acting as if he was praying. 

“Ugh, fine, I’ll go with you! I’ll go home and get ready, and I’ll text you when I’m done.” I responded as the both of us walked out of the classroom, towards the parking lot. 

“Pinky promise you won’t cancel on me last minute?” Calum asked, extending his arm and putting his pinky in front of me as we reached my car. I hadn’t even noticed that he walked me to my car, which honestly made my heart flutter when I realized. 

“Are you kidding me?” I laughed lightly, taking my pinky and sticking it out with his, interlocking it. “Pinky promises mean everything, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.” He responded, winking at me then walking away. Getting into my car, I hit my steering wheel, squealing while I repeatedly hit my head against my wheel. “Fuckin’ angel, babe and sweetheart?! What’s next?” I asked myself, driving back to my place to get ready for this little study.. session? Hang out? Date? 

I never noticed how nervous I was to hang out with Calum until four different outfits were placed on my bed, with no ability to choose which one looked best. “Fuck, these are all terrible.” I groaned, flopping onto my bed and closing my eyes. I was interrupted by my phone ringing, seeing that Calum was calling.

“I know you pinky promised that you wouldn’t cancel on me, but angel what is taking so long?” He asked, laughing into his question. “I’m so sorry,” I groaned, getting back up and looking at the outfits I planned on my bed. “I’m having a little wardrobe crisis. I have zero idea what to wear.”

“You could’ve showed up in the hoodie and sweatpants and I’d still find you gorgeous,” He responded, making my heart flutter for what felt like the hundreth time today. This man throws small compliments left and right and it’s kind of driving me crazy. “But lemme see what you got planned out. I’ll make it easier for you.” I responded with an okay, quickly snapping a photo of the clothes that were currently on my bed. 

“Okay first off, none of these are bad at all. I think you could’ve chose any of these and rocked all of ‘em. Second, little shirt big pants is always the way to go. I say the second one.” He told me, choosing a white long sleeved shirt and the baggiest light wash jeans I had in my closet. It might’ve been basic, but Calum was right - you really can’t go wrong with a little shirt big pants combination. 

“Okay, thank you.” I sighed in relief, taking the clothes into my hands and walking into the washroom to change. “You can come now, I’ll text you my address. I’ll probably be done by the time you get here.” 

“Now was that so hard?” He asked in response, causing the both of us to laugh. “I’ll see you in a bit. Bye bye!” 

“Bye Calum, see you later.” And with that the call ended. I quickly changed into my clothes, put my laptop in my bag - along with everything else I needed - and slipped my shoes on. Once I finished doing so, I heard a loud honk outside, indicating that he was outside. 

Walking out of my house I saw Calum exiting his seat, walking over to the other side and opening the door for me. “Wow, what a gentleman.” I laughed as he closed my door and got into the drivers’ side once again. “You look great.” He told me, his eyes focused on my outfit. “All thanks to you.” I said nervously, as he started the car. “Where are we going again?” I asked him. 

“You can never go wrong with IHOP,”  He said proudly, with a wide grin on his face. “How’d you know I loved going there?” I asked him, gaining a chuckle from him in response. “Not sure if you knew this, but I’m a mindreader.” He joked, causing me to roll my eyes and laugh in response. 

Arriving at the place and ordering our food, Calum and I began to have a little conversation. It started off with an are you still mad at me? which resulted into talks about other classes, finals and parties. 

“You’re telling me you’ve never been to a party?” He asked in shock, me shaking my head as I took a sip of the water that was given to me. “Are you kidding me? We’ve been in college for what, two years, and you’ve never been to one?!”

“Yeah, in case you didn’t notice, I go to school to learn and not to party. I don’t ask people to take ten pages of notes for me so I could blaze up, unlike somebody I know,” I responded, Calum looking at me in disbelief. “I cannot believe you just called me out like that. I said I was sorry!” 

“Yeah yeah, I know. You’re making up for it with free food and free homework answers, so I decided to get over it.” I responded, laughing. “Also, when are we gonna start doing the questions?” I asked as the waiter came with both of our plates of food, thanking them as we began to eat. 

“I mean, we could go back to my place and work on it, if that’s alright with you.” Calum said, his mouth full of pancakes. “Is that your way of trying to get in my pants?” I asked jokingly. 

“You’re a fiesty one aren’t you?” He asked, with a simple nod from me in response. “Well to answer your question, no that is not my way of doing such a thing, I’d be much more smooth about it.” 

“Oh, so you think you’re slick or something?” “Nah babe, I know I’m slick.” There’s the cocky party boy that I was much more familiar with. I rolled my eyes in response.

“I’m gonna ignore what you just said.. Anyways, I am fine with working on it at your place.” I told him, getting a nod in response. Throughout the whole breakfast, we got to know each other quite well. I learned that he played soccer in highschool, but due to a torn ACL he had to quit. But because of that, he got into music and started playing the guitar. I told him that if there’s enough free time when we finished, he should play me something. He happily agreed to it, saying that I will fall in love with him after I hear his singing. I just roll my eyes at his cocky compliments about himself. 

I also got to hear his totally wild college parties that he goes to, telling me about this one time one of his friends’ houses got shut down due to the various noise complaints from neighbours down the block. “you should come join me in one”, He offers, with a “fuck no” in response from me. 

“C’mon, they’re not that bad. They’re actually really fun, and everybody’s always so nice.” 

“I literally can’t tell you the last time I got high, and the last time I got drunk it was not pretty, I’m retired from that shit.” I said, as he paid for our food and began walking back to his car.

“Oh, so you used to be rowdy?” He asked, the two of us laughing in unison. “High school me was a different story, we don’t talk about that.” I responded. “The things I would do to see that side of you. You gotta go to at least one before you get outta this place. They take a lot of stress off your shoulders for the night.” He told me as we walked towards the front door to his place, which made me laugh at the fact that he tried to make parties seem like a really good thing. A simple Maybe, was all I responded with as we got settled into his apartment, which was fairly clean to my surprise. 

We were currently sitting across each other at his dining table, the both of us reading over the textbook and him answering the questions after every section. He worked effeciently, which also took me by surprise. I underestimated this guy a lot, didn’t I?

A good two hours later, Calum had finished all the questions for homework and I had finished copying them down, thanking him for doing such a thing.

“It’s no problem. I had no idea that the notes were ten fucking pages long, you deserve a break after that- wait, you wear glasses?” He asked me, analyzing them.

“Yeah, only at home though. I don’t really like how they look on me,” I replied, taking them off and rubbing my eyes. He took them in his hands and put them back on me, smiling. “They look really cute on you, I like them.” He said, causing me to blush. “What’re you so flirty for?” I asked. Keep these compliments up and I might just fall in love with you before you even sing, I thought to myself.

“Well, with somebody as pretty as you, I gotta slip in a flirty remark every chance I get, eh?” He smirked, taking my hand, and taking the both of upstairs. “Don’t take this the wrong way, my guitars in my room.” He reassured me as we walked inside his room. He took the guitar from the side of his room, and sat on the edge of his bed, gesturing me to sit down next to him.

“Ready to fall in love with me?”

“Try me, Hood.” 

He chuckled, playing the intro to Sam Smith’s Leave Your Lover. “Holy shit, I love this song,” I whispered, watching his hands strum the guitar.

He began to sing, immediately amazed by his voice. It was so soft and raspy, I literally could listen to it all day. I closed my eyes, leaning my head on his shoulder. He laughed softly when he noticed, continuing on with the song. 

He finished playing the outro, which caused me to open my eyes and look up at him. “So, how was that?” 

“It was beautiful, your voice is so pretty.” I responded, smiling at him. “You should drop outta this whole college thing and just become famous.”

“Oh man I wish, but I think it’s too late for that.” He told me, now leaning on my shoulder, which made me want to scream and kiss him. “Did you fall in love with me yet?”

I patted his cheek with my hand lightly. “Not yet Cal, not yet. Stil kinda angry about that whole ten pages of notes thing.” 

“You’re never gonna let that go, are you?”

“Nah.”

He laughed, then took my hand and intertwined it with his, rubbing circles on it with his thumb. “What if I told you I’d be down to do this again, minus the whole ‘let me do this for you today as an apology’ thing?” He questioned, lifting his head from my shoulder and looking at me.

“What do you mean, ‘this again’?”

“I mean picking you up with a coffee before class, bothering you the whole time, getting breakfast with you afterwards, studying together, and then playing a song for you once we get too lazy to finish our assignments.” He replied with a soft smile that made my heart warm and my cheeks red.

“And what if I told you that I’d be down to do those things aswell?” 

“Well then my love, I will pick you up on Wednesday at 8:15 with a venti iced white mocha with only one extra shot of espresso, because I won’t keep you up to write more notes. After class, I’ll take us to any place you wanna go. Denny’s? IHOP? Waffle House? You name it. Then, we can go back to my place, study our asses off and then I can play you as many songs as you’d like. How does that sound?” He offered, the biggest smile appearing on my face.

“That sounds perfect.”

“Now if we’re going to be doing this... does this mean I can finally take you to a damn party?”

“Fuck off, Hood.”

[square-enix]

fuck it i really need to get this off my chest. i guess this is me coming out in a really roundabout stupid way and i just needed to fucking vent because i can’t take this

after my last relationship it took me 5 years to feel like i could trust someone enough to enter into another relationship. i was terrified of being hurt and it took a lot of talking myself up to be able to let myself be vulnerable with someone again. and then it turned out to be so good. i felt so loved and so happy and i finally, finally started to develop some confidence surrounding things that i have hated myself for and felt were barriers to me ever being loved. i would get choked up thinking about how much i loved my boyfriend and how i didn’t know someone could make me feel that wanted. of course this doesn’t end happily; i got dumped and it turned out that my feelings had ceased to be reciprocated a ways into our relationship. now im realizing that i thought i knew what it was like to be loved by someone but i still don’t know, because i haven’t ever been loved, i guess

but the reason i feel like nobody will ever love me doesn’t come from the rejection, though it hurts unbelievably. i think i need to be candid about this because keeping it buried forever is just going to keep hurting me and making me feel like i can’t be loved because nobody would ever want someone like me.

what im avoiding saying with this baffling stream of consciousness is that i’m intersex. i have an intersex condition that i’ve grappled with my entire life and i don’t want to get into the details, but there it is. i don’t ever talk about it because i don’t want people to think less of me. i work my ass off in everything i do because i hate myself for it and want to prove that i’m worth something, because my condition makes me feel worthless. i am undeniably a man, but there is always this word modifying my status as male, this horrible thing that feels like a curse. i’ve never opened up about it because i never wanted pity, i never wanted my friends to treat me differently or talk to me like i wasn’t their equal; i never wanted to hear that i was good at something “for someone like me,” i never wanted to be anything but just some guy. i also haven’t opened up about it because people who have known about it have hurt me, both physically and emotionally, because of it. but i can’t keep that hidden from people i enter into relationships with. for my entire life i’ve had to carry around this self loathing and it’s kept me from initiating or accepting relationships. it’s made me so lonely and isolated and i know that statistically people dont tend to love people like me.

to top it off, i’m an addict and i have a health condition that will either cause me on-and-off suffering indefinitely or will suddenly kill me without a moment’s notice. the only reason i’m saying all this stuff is because i know now that there’s no point in keeping it close to the vest. i’m at rock bottom and i think part of me is saying this because i know it’ll make some people think less of me, and maybe i’m just trying to self-destruct. but maybe there’s a part of me that hopes i’m wrong about all this, and that maybe in spite of who i am, i could be loved - really loved - by someone else. i don’t know.

i had surgery due to a complication pertaining to my intersex condition - sorry to everyone i lied to about the nature of my surgery - and it was fucking traumatic and horrible and my now-ex had to deal with so much of my fear and anxiety as i went through it. he had to watch me get sick with my mast cell disorder again, and he had to put up with me going through withdrawal multiple times. i think i have too much baggage and that, coupled with the fact that most people will never love someone who was born like me, will always make me too hard to love. i wouldn’t love me either. i don’t.

i don’t really know why i’m writing this. i’ll probably regret it and it’s long and i doubt anyone will really bother to read through it. i’m half coming out and half whining about how miserable my life feels. there’s nothing empowering about this, i don’t take any pride in it, i’m just at the end of my rope and i needed to just get it all out. i’m tired of carrying around all this hurt and self-loathing and i can’t take the loneliness and pain and fear of rejection it causes me every day. i don’t feel like i’m ever going to be good enough for another person and i’m never going to know what it feels like to hear “i love you” without wondering if it’s a lie. i’m not angry, i’m not resentful, and maybe i should be, but i just feel hurt. i thought i could have imagined how much all of this would hurt, but i was so wrong.

[lovely-angst]

i’m not your little sister

because im so fucking smol, 5ft >:^

Eyes focused on your lovely boyfriend, a smile formed on your lips as you watched him explore the different shops in town. It wasn’t often that he came into town, but when you had invited him, he had said something along the lines of, “I just want to be by you,” Quite romantic. 

Placing a hand on his shoulder, the dark-haired male turned his attention toward you, “Giyuu, I’m going to get us some meat buns, I’ll be back,” you say as you begin to turn away. Reaching for your hand, Tomioka stops you before you could get any further, “I can come with you,” 

Shaking your head, you give him a small wave, “I’ll be quick, plus you seem to enjoy it here!” Giving him a small wave goodbye, you left to find the best meat buns in town. 

Watching you go, Tomioka focused his attention back on the booth that sold many different fabrics. He remembered you being good with a needle; maybe some fabric would make you happy. Glancing at the shops beside him, he noticed a flower shop and an accessory shop. Maybe you would like that too..

It didn’t take long before you were already walking back towards Tomioka with two steamy meat buns in your hands. Before you could call out to your lover, you noticed him with a very friendly female. “Why don’t you join me for lunch?” she asked with a broad smile, awaiting Tomioka’s answer. 

“No, I’m already getting lunch,” he stated bluntly and she gave him a playful frown, “You’re alone right now, aren’t you? Let’s go take a walk around town together,” she tried as she stepped closer. “Giyuu!” you shouted as you walked over with a forced smile. “I brought the meat buns!” 

“Thank you, (Name),” he stated with a smile. Glancing up towards the taller lady, your eyes ran across her appearance; she was very tall and slender, with long legs that made her even more beautiful with the kimono she wore. 

No wonder she made a move on your boyfriend. Tomioka was also tall and slender and also very strong. You could never get tired of staring at him—he’s just so handsome. 

“Oh,” staring down at you, the lady gave you a small smile before glancing back at Tomioka. “Is she your little sister?” 

Your mouth opened in shock as you internally screamed. Little sister? Is that how people saw the two of you? Glancing up at Tomioka, he looked down before turning back toward the female, “No, (Name) is my girlfriend.”

The lady’s eyes widened before glancing back towards you, “Girlfriend, huh?” Smiling at him, she thankfully began to walk away, “It was nice meeting you, too bad you’re not single!” 

Letting out a heavy sigh, the two of you began to walk back to his estate, you visibly upset at what had just happened. 

“Don’t be upset, (Name),” Trying to comfort you, Giyuu held out his untouched meat bun, which you quietly took. He gave a small smile as he watched you eat, food always made you feel better. “It’s nothing to get angry about, she didn’t know, that’s all.”

“She called me your little sister, Giyuu!” you whined as you sent him a glare. “That is the worst thing someone can say to a girl who is actually their girlfriend,” quieting down, you took another bite of the meat bun before handing it back, “sorry, this was for you and I’m eating it,” 

“It’s okay, I’d rather have you eat, I like watching you enjoy food,” your cheeks flushed at his comments before you slightly turned away, finishing the meat bun. “Don’t make it seem like all I do is eat, I do other things too.” Glancing around, it was only the two of you walking down the quiet road, basking in the colorful sunset. Stepping closer, you wrapped your arm around Tomioka’s before intertwining your free hand with his, leaning your head on his shoulder. 

“I wish I looked more like a girlfriend than just a little sister,” you whispered into his arm. His thumb rubbed against your hand gently as the two of you made your way back to your house. “I want to be a woman worthy and capable of staying by your side, I want people to see that..”

Every word that fell out of your mouth confused Tomioka further. Every time he looked at you, he had always thought that you were so beautiful, inside and out. Too beautiful to be his. 

“I don’t think that is anything you need to worry about, (Name),” His voice was quiet and harmless. Still, you couldn’t help but get angry, “You don’t get it, If I were a little taller and more beautiful, nobody would even question our relationship,” hearing you degrade yourself made Tomioka’s heartbreak.

Pulling you away from him, your eyes widen before you glance up at him. His blue eyes staring into your own intensely, “You don’t understand your own worth and your own beauty. You are small, but I think that it just makes me love you more,” he starts, somewhat angrily, but taking you by surprise still. “You are the most beautiful person I have ever laid my eyes on, and for you to feel that way about yourself means that I’ve failed my job as your lover,” his words pierce into your heart. 

He was blaming himself for how you felt?

Standing up on your tippy-toes, you pressed a soft kiss onto his lips before glancing away with a tint on your cheeks. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way. You’re not a bad boyfriend, I love you so much,” you say, shyly looking up at him. “I’ll learn to love myself the way you love me. It’s just a little hard when I get called your little sister..”

Reaching out, Tomioka runs his hand through your hair gently before giving you a small smile, reserved for only you. There were so many things he wanted to tell you, but he could only muster a smile for you. And his smile alone was enough for you. “I love you too.”