#whatever if ppl i know see this idc man just block or whatever or dont look at my shit

[takasuya]

whatever if anyone sees this whatever the fuck lmao im going insane the fact that he said we can talk later and then said their peace and then said theyre not replying only after i asked like. was i not important to you. the same with my other fucking friends. like okay. i know i was a lot and shit but goddamn lmao. i thought how people get close was to rely on each other and i wanted u to rely on me too. i was so alone and isolated and nobody not even my irls would reach out first it used to be me starting convos before and then after that ppl didnt really talk to me till i did and it sucks cus how the fuck was i supposed to feel wanted and loved like that. now i dont have energy for anything and starting over is tiring and it sucks and all i wanted was for ppl to put effort into reaching out to me too. when i talked to my fucking poly mates they woildnt even follow up. and when i talked to my onlines im always. begging for aome kind of response. like sorry i made u uncomfortable, i was isolated and needed people. sorry for that and also im so fucking angry at everything its nobodys fault but i cant help but wish i wasnt so sick to act like that. its not like anybodys gonna care bcus they tell me to move on like its so easy like u werent important to me. blocking is the only way i can try and forget. but i cant and im not even mean much to u bcus fuck dude. and my irls reply to me with lmao and lol and yell at me when i was in a crisis and i made their day harder. my “friends” who got mad at me for being upset w my sister and even if they are they still projected it onto me while i was breaking down and losing it it fucking sucks. and its heartbreaking to knowni matter so little to people. anyway im gg away. didnt even say anything to me on my fucking birthday.

and ppl tell me to stop victimising myself but the ppl ard all kinda do that and when i say anything they just. god. i fucking hate it here. i want to end it all so bad but i cant bcus im so fucking angry im going to fucking explode thats all. fuck this shit lmao

[genderificationbeam]

pinned post, pls read <3

- testimony from @noelfieldinggenderenvy

heyy im tee jay/TJ!! the t stands for tboy swag and the j stands for jordaan

i dont Have to give u a list of all my Axes Of Oppression but it's probably of note that i'm a black (gender)queer AuDHD typea guy. FtM is alright, butch is alright, trans man or trans masc are alright, i'm really not picky about most labels

im 20 :] whooaaaaa immso fuggin old

he/it prns, emphasis on the it. tryin out zie/hir also!

i’m a gender accelerationist and generally pretty autistic about Gender, and a gender abolitionist when we define Gender as a System.

im an annoying choir kid and i am going 2 school for music ed :p (music studyblr / general nerd blog @mediantriaad !!)

im some flavor of communist and a few flavors of anarchist <3

idgaf about tumblr queer discourse, i refer to myself with whatever words i like and i respect that other people do the same.

i dont tag the word queer and if you tag my posts as “q slur” or "q word" i will block you. totally fine if the term makes you uncomfortable for personal use but Queer is my whole identity/community, and i really dislike seeing that facet of myself trigger tagged-- so i hide it when i see it. tag it as "queer" if you don't want that to happen but you do need to filter it for whatever reason

(i am also not a huge tag user in general outside of conversational tags! im pretty good about tagging unreality, everything else (including slurs) i tend to not tag or forget to tag, fair warning)

i dont really have a dni bc i just block ppl if i dont want to see their account but you will probably get blocked if you’re truscum, a capitalist, an exclusionist, yk.

i also rb a lot of stuff / have a lot of takes abt transmasc specific oppression, mostly bc its what i operate under and what im comfortable speaking on as a trans dude; that said, all my transfem and transneutral siblings-in-arms have a special place in my heart <3

spam likes/reblogs appreciated, i very often forget im on Someones Blog and not my dash so you'll get em from me too unless you explicitly say not to

interests + hobbies include: dimension 20 (sideblog), scaring the hoes music (noise, musique concrète, loud wailing indie, midwest emo, [contemporary] classical, prog, metal, occasional guilty-pleasure blink-182, you know the deal), bad horror movies, good horror movies, music composition/arranging (mostly contemporary classical, ttbb acapella, and noise), crochet, queer theory, Red!, shit, piss idc

alright heres some links since we're here:

spotify

last.fm

guestbook

pronouns.page

gay obama be like uhhhhhhhh let me be queer

[toyhouse-dramas-archived]

Submitted through here since It didn't fit in the the ask box and I don't know if there's a special procedure to make asks fit or whatever since I don't send asks, much less long ones.

Anyway, someone brought up VCR-WOLFE and i just want to describe a run in a had with them in the forums around a year ago and I haven't thought about them at all until now. Kinda makes me laugh thinking about it but actually thinking about what was said just gives me shivers all over again.  Anyway, basically it was in a art pet peeves thread and i mentioned how i didn't like how some people drew trans characters, specifically transmen. i just said it came off as weird to me drawing a trans man in their binder all the time, or drawing them with exaggerated feminine characteristics and like...they just came out of the woodwork and implied i was a bigot and a transphobe. even more ironic since I myself am trans and yeah, trans ppl can be transphobic or whatever but are you rlly gonna tell me a trans person having a problem with how people of their identity are depicted is transphobic? like lmao yall a trip fr. i used the word "mismatched anatomy" at some point which ok yeah fine, poor choice of words but really? not to pull the "i was a minor" card but i was younger and dumber than i am now.  and then they started talking about how they personally didn't dislike their body (which i didn't even know how relevant that was bc i didn't know if they had dysphoria or not, or if part of their dysphoria was seeing the way trans people are depicted) and brought up how they were a"big boobied trans masc person" and that shit made me sick. like i wanted to shrivel up and die after reading that. like wtf. why would you say that in a public forum for one and for two to a stranger. like idc what point you were trying to prove but some of you do not know when to keep certain thoughts to yourself. what did saying that add to the conversation? have some decency 

i still have them blocked bc i dont want to ever have to read anything they have to say ever again lol

[souljournaler]

shadow check-in

here's some notes from checking in with my shadow. they've been a bit loud lately, & it's starting to become distracting. this is our conversation. I'm blue, shadow is red

whoa hey that's a lot of space you're taking up in here

and whose fault is that?

yeah ok well there's a lot of stuff happening right now in the world thats stressful

yeah well u can't save everyone

I'm not trying to save everyone

sure jan

so what's up? you seem to need my attention a bit more right now

you can't just pop in to say hi?

I'm literally doing that right now actually

ok ok ok so listen listen

fuck you

please tell me what's up

(career doubts due to feelings of personal inadequacy) & (fear of f*sc*st p*l*ce st*te)

idk why you even bother with a career, the collapse of the empire is coming. besides, no one wants your advice, & you've got no other skills. why would people keep you around when everything is going to shit? especially when u benefited from oppressive systems for so long & even strived for a seat at their table? do you even deserve to stay around?

man you know like most of that isn't true, but do i hear you're afraid of being abandoned by people you love who you've put a lot of energy into building relationships with. why do you think they'd abandon you? we have lots of cool friends who have stayed around they all the hard times.

no YOU have friends that love YOU. and theyre only going to stay until things get TOO bad, and then theyll decide we're a lost cause. especially when they see me

we're the same person mate. & the lads have seen you. & theyre still around

most ppl leave though

and plenty will. it sux but it is what it is. you of all people know better than anyone we can't please everyone, where's that energy now?

ok ok shut up fuck you, i get it

ok i have a question for you now

ya?

why are you afraid that something is gonna take over that we can't control?

cuz it might make me do something that scares other people, & you'd never let me hear the end of it if that happened. you'd probably even tell me it was our fault.

lol thats true. you already scare people enough without being hijacked by a scary entity though, so what's the problem?

LOL thats true. i wouldn't want to accidentally hurt someone though

again, you already do that without being hijacked

fuck ok yeah ig thats tru. i just would rather have my wits about me if I'm gonna do something stupid.

i feel like not being conscious or fully in control of your actions is probably a good excuse though if something were to happen

dude

no

why not

dude. autonomy

so you'd rather actually choose to hurt someone while fully present for your mistake?

that's kind of warped. is it a choice if it's an accident?

hm. guess not. is it really an accident if you choose to do the thing that caused it?

i think you just answered your question

so you'd channel again? full shift?

I'd like to. i don't really have an occasion though

you don't really need an occasion

i feel like i need an occasion

why

...

you could just be chilling

who would i even channel?

you could channel me 😈

i could. what would you have us do?

[redacted]

ok see, that is exactly why im afraid of full shift channeling, cuz you might do some shit like that!

I'm just kidding! unless...?

no. no [redacted] yet

yet!!!

yet. see this is why i have to rely on our higher self so much

i actually think [redacted] is a good idea if you're trying to [redacted]

please don't, that's really not helping right now

right right, ok, bye

bye

bye bitch

so you're afraid that whatever spirit we channel is gonna exploit my energy to make you do stupid shit?

yes

lol, again, u dont need me to do stupid shit, you'll do that all on your own

thanks

i just mean, the fear is pointless. at the very least, you don't have to be afraid of me, specifically, making you do stupid shit. you stop me all the time, even when our state of consciousness is hella altered. i TRY to get you to do stupid shit while we're out of it. sometimes i succeed, but if we end up too fucked up, even when you're literally unconscious, you know who steps in every time?

higher self?

higher self. remember that time we were drugged?

yes. i mean no. but yes

the driver's seat was wide open then. & higher self stepped in to protect us

that's nice of them

yes. "nice." 😬 anyway i can't rly answer for other spirits outside of us, since i still always have u falling for my bullshit (lol btw. you have GOT to stop doing that, or keep doing it, idc) but i think we're stronger than you give us credit for. between me & higher self, we wouldn't let anything happen to us. you need to trust us more.

ok. that's actually really nice, shadow. thanks

yeah, you know, it's just true, ok? you don't have to thank me for stating a fact

shadow you know you can just take the compliment right?

fuck you. anyway just, if you wanna channel, just do it

but ppl might think im weird & crazy!

ppl literally already think you're weird & crazy, get over it

you know we care a lot about what ppl think.

no. we don't. we care about someone sending cops after us.

ok true. what do you say about that tho?

easy, don't talk to cops

yes bc that's SO easy in these united states of america

ok ok, i hear you. so let's think, what IF the cops came to get us for channeling? all someone would have to do is claim you're violent or a danger to urself & others, then what? death by cop?

that's the fear, yup

what, so you're afraid of being murdered by a cop?

yes

hm. well, i would just [redacted] in that case

which would probably get us killed faster, actually

maybe! ok probably. what if they took us though? what would happen then?

probably a mandatory 72 hours, maybe longer if they wanted to keep us locked up

& we've gotten thru that before, right?

right. it's worse now though than when we were a teen

what are you afraid of there? other than being held against our will longer than the mandatory 72 hours, of course

you know, same shit grandma went thru. sedation, r*pe, & shock "therapy"

why would they do that to us though?

idk, i might not be able to mask that long & have a meltdown or smth. also not much we could do if one of the employees was a r*pist.

ok yeah that would suck. how likely is that actually, though? or are you just scared because of confirmation bias?

probably confirmation bias.

ok well then maybe realize that's not a likely enough scenario for u to spend so much energy on a block of fear like that. we don't need it right now. if it ever becomes useful, it'll still be here for one of us to put it back. but for now, what do you want to do?

i want to be able to channel again, full shift

ok then. I'll hang onto this block until we need it, if ever. ok?

ok

thanks. i know you & higher self will keep me safe

yeah, whatever. you'd better.

ok im a bit tuckered out from that. good convo though, i think

toodles

Sol