#i feel a little dumb right now | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

silasbug · 2 years ago

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... i was today years old when i finally realized that my propensity to go completely emotionally cold and detached during moments of emotional intensity might actually be a trauma response instead of a sign that i'm some psychopath in disguise.

UGH. man. it's been a rough couple of days. i'd like to go back to being just some silly guy™ now.

#huh #i feel a little dumb right now #scratch that- i feel REALLY dumb #i mean better late than never?#i beat myself up over it a lot because i feel so entirely out of place whenever it happens and wonder if i care at all #but everything else clearly indicates that i DO and obviously i care or i wouldn't feel so bad about it #we didn't address trauma in therapy because i did behavioral. maybe should've gone the other route.#i still.. don't like calling it trauma #but maybe i handicap myself by not acknowledging it for what it is #i mean 'i'm just a monster that tricks people into caring for me because i want to be cared about but can't care about anyone else'#sounds really stupid when i say it out loud #i'm neither clever nor charming enough to do something like that lmao #besides the fact that i DO NOT want to do something like that and would probably fall down a well first #on another note my hair is very pretty boy rn and i'm digging it #to myself #journal entry #personal

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disaster-magician · 2 months ago

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Looks like you found one of those golden retriever girls! Good luck with that, Tamarack

(Fake screenshots! These are fan made based on incorrect quotes and not in the game)

#our life #our life 2 #our life now and forever #olnf #olnf tamarack #tamarack baumann #our life tamarack #incorrect quotes #fan edit #fan made #not canon #mc annabeth #annabeth is soooooo jason mendoza coded it's crazy #like she's not stupid but she is kinda dumb and happy most of the time and she loves tama more than anything #this quote probably works a little better in step 3 but i don't have those sprites so maybe I'll redo this when i do #also tama is the ONLY person allowed to call her annie! everyone else calls her beck or maybe annabeth if they're close #i need the step 2 angst so bad it's not even funny. i need it and i need it right now #like none of my mcs are having a good time in step 2 but becks arc is about how hard it can be to always be the positive and upbeat one #and that maybe her two best neighbors take that for granted sometimes and need to let her feel negatively wo making her feel guilty #sunshine characters breaking down/snapping my beloved

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bookshelfdreams · 1 year ago

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#just saw that tweet abt pink days on the set of the barbie movie & i think it made me realize why it - the marketing etc - annoys me so #'margot robbie went around collecting fines and donated them to charity haha' okay. look.#that's just the perfect metaphor for how it worked for us - me - anyone who wants to align themselves with me - when we were girls #isn't it #because you grow up and you desperately want to fit in with the other girls but you don't & you don't know why #but you're surrounded by things and people telling you what a normal girl is like & little-to-none of it is things you find appealing or #interesting. makeup and fashion and skin care. gymnastics and romance. you're told that you are obligated to be pretty #but prettiness has never been part of your perception of yourself. femininity is an arcane concept #an exclusive club that will never grant you entrance #& the only comfort you can give yourself is deciding that it's dumb anyway. shallow. vain. who cares about looks and boys and all of that #idiots that's who #but this is Doing It Wrong too isn't it? because now everyone who has taught you that you will forever fail at femininity turns around #& tells you that's patriarchal oppression and YOU'RE the bad one by distancing yourself from something that always made you feel defective #'YOU may have never lived up to this impossible standard of perfection but some ppl do and actually it's fine to be like that!#hyperfeminine traditionally beautiful women are the most oppressed group of all & finally we will stand up for our rights!'#'girls can be pretty AND conpetent' but that's not what they're actually saying. isn't it.#because performing femininity correctly is the prerequisite. a threshold you can never cross and you know that. & that's fine #but somehow that's wrong too because you're not supposed to make peace w that are you. you're SUPPOSED to want to do it right #even if you don't and never have and never will #and once again everyone is yelling at you that this club isn't meant for you. if you criticize the barbie movie you're antifeminist #if you refuse to wear pink I'll make you pay a fine #hashtag girlpower #(well im not a girl. not a guy either. and not a secret third thing. just bad at femininity.#bad at being a person. and y'all don't need to tell me you don't want me in your club #I've always known that. i just wish you'd stop expecting me to beg for entrance.)

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infiniteseriesofhalfways · 3 days ago

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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom

#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this #(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect #making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard #also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift #AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled #but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen #also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot #but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested #not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap #and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied #which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh #and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer #like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage #and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc #AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be #but ANXIETY #its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember #if i fucked up or not #and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much #fuck #wish me luck #ks talks

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petyou · 2 months ago

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i have to talk to a psychiatrist friday and im so nervous……..

#idk how to like. talk #i’ve been so weird after the Not cancer and idk how to be like also. 20 years of intense trauma…….. but like back to the main thing #i’ve also never been Formally diagnosed with autism and i’m scared i’ll have to like defend it #and idk how to talk about the fact that i did LSD every single day for an entire year and that in fact did not cause my craziness it made #it a little better but now i’m SO autistic and can’t talk to people #he’s a MAN too …………………… i hope that will make things easier but im scared he’s like. dumb #there’s NO info about him online but the scheduler said she sees him and he’s really good #what does THAT mean???#idk i’m just rambling now #my official diagnosis as of right now is depression with psychotic features…… it makes it feel so real :/#context: i had a 20lb tumor in my ovary and they thought it was cancer for 2 months but it wasn’t and i got surgery and im fine now but im #depressed and dissociative #advice/encouragement PLZ

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keeps-ache · 6 months ago

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HEY

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #oc #pink space #i really like the subtract glitch i've been doing recently - so here's some of that again lol :3 #the way it interacts with their palettes is so fun i like it a lot ehegh :33 #//anyway do you ever consider just tossing out any part the human body you've learned to draw and just drawing dumb little guys with arms #like pipecleaners forever or what hfhs #//oh this is was doobled in traditional originally #i need to digitize more of these. Because #though aura's hair was more extreme in the second panel in that version - i'm tired though and 3 days ago it was the same so no feelings to #change that lol :)#also i didn't shrink the noise enough so it didn't look right - and i was not going to reimport it so Bon Voyage my dude hfhs #was Supposed to fit on a 900x900 canvas but i made the panels a liiiiitle bit too big so it's 950x950 #which is Fine it's a round number but it's not a Round-Round number so [gesturing]#1000x1000 was way too big for this little thing so she sits at a pleasant halfway point :>#//anyway i was also up til 3 a.m. last night doing ?? something ?? i genuinely don't even know what lmfhsbvh #nice though maybe my brain'll get a reset lol :3 #stay up really late some random nights and jumpstart your brain!! it's foolproof!! never fails!! [<- these statements have not been reviewe #by the FDA or the Center for Sleep Control]#//ANywho now i'm going to be on my way #/oh i also forgot to post the oath n aura refs i made for artfight lol-#i'll prolly put those up w/ the kira and hid ones though :>>#i like to have the whole ensemble :D i Do feel bad when one of them gets left out hghsfh - like forgetting a stuffed animal somewhere #even though they're all together for small portion of the story it still feels off lol #i should prolly introduce the rest of the cast at some point. .... ......... ..........hm yea prolly. maybe one day hfhs #//anyway NOW i'm going i've run out of tag space i think hfhs - toodles !! :>

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floral-hex · 8 months ago

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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

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naenaex0xx · 7 months ago

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maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone

#like how my day is? or what dumb stuff im doing lol #my “safe space” where i got to meet people somehow (and theyre very cool :3c)#well. im happy if i get to do it now #cmon nae! sympathy points wont do you any good !!#okay so. tumblr gets to be my little planner too cause i get to write things in the momoment #so im writing things im proud of!#brushed my teeth for more than two mins today #n i actually washed a lil! its embarrassing writing this here because i dont want anyone thinking im dirty.... since its gross #but anyways.. im getting better at putting my phone down at night!#that means fixing my sleep right? i just have to sort out the mornings since i lose track of time #and struggle to leave bed (its too comfyyyy >.<)#and oh. i want to start going on walks..#itll be hard since the house is getting done n stuff but. anytine if the day. i feel like taking walks woukd be better for me #just to keave the house. my eyes always hurts when i steo outside #n thats not good :<#those are my goals for now. i do wanna get closer to my friends. and actually make friends!#ive had no friendships for nearly a year at college lol #its just been 'oh well' but i have actually felt lonely... oh well-#i guess i wanna get closer to people?#and.. talk to ny old friends too #i feel to guilty #im not good with this stuff. it drains me #but anyways. baby steps right? who knows #maybe ill make a friend on the trip! or next year too! that sounds good #ik nobody'll probably read this cause its word vomit lol #but basically yay yippee im feelin kinds alright #<333 #posts.nae/rambles

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she-aint-no-slow-regard · 6 months ago

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Not my emotional support himbo :(

#critical role #cr spoilers #critical role spoilers #campaign 3 #honestly that's two very hard fight that seem unwinnable in a row #I just want it to end #also I'm not the biggest fan of combat in general #but this one was mainly about not if opam was gonna make it #but just who in the crown Keepers was going to die #I would have prefered if they just talked and fucked around for a bit #and then had a little encounter with opal or like some checks #because it feels like we haven't spent that much time with them #but it's been like 4 hours total #idk #I like aabria but I would have preferred something more fun or hopeful right now #and I'm just bummed #can't wait for bh to come back so Ashton can be mad and maybe break some stuff #anyway rip sweet dumb boy

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dennisboobs · 1 year ago

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talking to macdennis shippers makes me realize how much more i enjoy charden lmfao

#i love early seasons macden a lot but i think they sort of. fucked mcdn beyond repair in a lot of ways #where they Need to derail the show and do some genuine repairs #if theyd stayed the way they were in s5 itd be like oh yeah nbd theyre fucking lol #but now its. complicated #which isn't inherently bad but i think theres so much to unpack that its just like. if its not done right its going to be a disaster #charden have remained actual friends #it doesn't feel like a huge jump for them to be on good terms #but everyone immediately assumes something must have happened offscreen if macden are getting along #like. its overcomplicated! idk! i think dennis' entire character is overcomplicated #and it makes it really hard because he is So established to just have a fun plot #also i think theyve slowly fucked mac's character and have no intention of fixing it like they have with charlie and dennis' characters #like charlie was made Too Dumb and theyve been remedying that by making him a little more grounded and serious #dennis was Too Angry and they're remedying it by having him develop a way of burning off pressure without exploding #but everything theyve developed for mac has just sort of been left behind #if there was a moment to show how he'd changed it wouldve been post mfhp but it almost seemed like it was a complete reversal #he devolved lol #he was definitely like. better. in s16. but he's lost so much complexity while the others have gained more #and it feels incredibly unbalanced #dee is just a nothing character now too which (while i disagree with a lot of the complaints abt her in s16) can be seen clearly now #but mac is just.#okay im done rambling bye #ada speaks #idk how to explain but macden as a dynamic feels like it holds both of their characters back #and it rarely brings anything new or interesting to the table #dennis shows a different side of himself around charlie #but he is. mostly just angry or exasperated around mac

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iceeericeee · 1 year ago

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I wonder how many tags i can add on to this

#there must be SOME kind of a limit otherwise posts would get suuuuuuper duper long like is it just 30?#idk but i'm going to find out by simply maxxing out the character limit for each tag and finding out the limit of tags for each post lololo #this is gonna be great. i just have to remember to type without ever using the comma. it shouldn't be too hard right? fuck i almost typed #the comma i'm already bad at this smh my head. also if your still here i commend you. you have a better attention span than i do.#i'm already starting to get bored holy shit this is not happening. i gotta power through this. FOR SCIENCEEEEEEEEEE. or somethinggggggggggg #but fr idk what else to say. maybe just saying that i don't know what to say will be good enough? but does that even count?#I don't even know anymore. ffffffffuck. this is gonna be a while huh? also holy shit if you're still here omg u deserve like. a prize or #something because u definitely didn't have to stay and read all of this bull shit. lololol i typed out bs but decided to just spell the who #thing out just to make it go by faster. i'm so lazy. this is only the nineth tag HOW will i make it to 30. i am sobbing the adhd is adhding #very hard rn. are you still here? bruh this is insane. i have somehow managed to keep ur attention this long and it's just me spouting #absolute balderdash. wait do you know what balderdash even means? i don't care if you do already i'm gonna tell you anyway. balderdash is #basically just another word for nonsense. boom. you learned something new today. balderdash equals nonsense equals this damn post.#why did i decide to do this in the first place. it was a dumb idea. i don't know if i can even keep going. this is only the *counts tags*#it's the 14th tag. we've got a long way to go boys. men. soldiers. comrads. friends. besties peeps. marshmallows.#where was i going with this? oh yeah. trying to max out the limit for tags. dang i almost typed a comma there. i haven't done that since #i think the third or fourth tag. dang that feels like such a long time ago. not for you guys probably. it feels longer because i have to li #type it all out and stuff. so it's definitely gonna feel longer for me. are you still here? good lord don't you have better things to #be doing than reading all of this? we're already on tag number 18. it feels like i should be on the thirtyeth by now. or however it's spell #'toast' you might be wondering 'why are you typing out the names of the numbers instead of say '9' or '5'?' well you see. young one.#this is a strategy i'm using to make each tag slightly longer. even if i don't know how to spell it. it'll make it just a little bit longer #anyway. i got off topic. not that there was ever a topic to begin with. unless it's about making this as long as i can.#which i am apparently good at doing. i guess. are you STILL here? do you seriously have nothing to do? i guess i'm flattered you stayed thi #whole time. instead of reading something else you stayed here. with me. listening to me talk. on the twenty-third tag. oh yeah its tag 23 #except now it's tag twenty-four. how crazy is that. this little talk is almost over. only 6 tags away if memory serves right. this's strang #i kind of don't want this to end. but i know it should. after all there is a limit. but all things must come to and end at some point i gue #i'm running out of things to say. it's probably a good thing it's almost over. hahahahah............... but i don't want to go. i don't wan #to leave this post. i've worked so hard on it. and for what. just for it to end. are you still here? yes? good. i'd hate to end this alone.#thank you for indulging me and my craziness. the end is only 2 tags away now. you can go ahead and leave. i'll be okay on my own. really...#...you're still here? i- i don't know what to say. i suppose a toast is in order. perhaps. for this journey. this stupid dumb post i though #would be fun. i'll make it short. it's the last tag after all. this was fun. but i will never do it again. so long as a i live. i'll miss y

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disdaidal · 1 year ago

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Good news: your girl got a call from her school today, passed all her exams and is getting her high school diploma this spring/summer, so yay.

I’m “only” 34 after all, but what the fuck. I did it.

#personal #none of my grades were too good apart from english #where i scored higher than in my own mother tongue ldkglgklg #but even that was good not excellent #anyway i passed and i'm getting out of there and onto new adventures (and challenges)#might post pictures later when i'm actually graduating heh #i also took another test today. for another school i applied to this spring #it was a remote test and the first test out of many i guess #and my god it was so fucking hard. i took ages to write it and i couldn't even properly finish it in time because i'm such a turtle #when it comes to writing anything kdkfkg #so it's probably littered with mistakes and sounds dumb as hell and i doubt i'm gonna pass it but anyway #at least i got accepted to that one school already if anything #it's just that. it wasn't my first choice so. i'm still trying D:#anyway i'm feeling hyper and shit and i can barely process this all #at least my stress from the last two days got relieved a little bit #because i apparently have to buy new tires and wheels to my car and i can't fucking afford it right now so heh #but anyway life finds a way i guess

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transmasc-tabris · 5 months ago

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Writing this fic like "wait does blood magic do that?" only to tell myself for the 156547834th time that DAI went full on time magic fuckery so i can do what i want.

#original posts #like fuck you its whatver. blood magic to create a great warrior. that wont go wrong at all.#also great now i really want to write a dumb little thing of my rook meeting merrill. her thinking 'oh great i had enough of this with #hawke's weird bf back in kirkwall and now i have to deal with this guy? if he talks shit to me once im biting him. and then he just goes #'whoa you're a blood mage but you're cool? and you're dalish and you've been to the fade and you've dealt with demons? tell me literally #everything about yourseld right now ill get you tea just please talk to me i wanna hear everything oh my gosh holy shit i like you already #i feel like it would be a breath of fresh air for her and i already love to think about it

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wasabi-gumdrop · 2 years ago

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"Slow burn but they're having sex the whole time" is pretty much your brand at this point

so true 😞🫶🏼 that tweet got a lil too personal but i know what i am 🤧