#it’s actually pathetic and I feel bad for younger Elly and her big dreams but she was so dumb for that
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#sometimes I think about Big Dramatic Crush#of whom I’ve said comparatively little on here#mostly because there’s nothing to say and I never see him anymore#but it’s also like… you know how I said he was “the way I loved you I will not be embarrassed of that (just should’ve known when to quit)”?#I fear I am becoming increasingly embarrassed of the way I loved him#like idk but when I was into him I had a couple of friends who knew and I’d tell them stuff#just what was going through my head at any given moment and all my delusions and things#but nowadays I occasionally feel like … oh I could tell this as an anecdote right? I liked him and isn’t that almost funny?#but I CAN’T DO IT I CAN’T#even if it’s someone I feel I can trust! I can’t trust them with who it was or how or like… why#god I was so madly in love with him and when I look back at my slightly younger self I think girl WHY. why did you subject yourself to that#because in truth he was out of my league (and that is not a thing I say lightly or even have a habit of saying)#I always had no chance and the way I DRAGGED IT OUT#two years hung up on this man! two years of my young life!!!!!#it’s actually pathetic and I feel bad for younger Elly and her big dreams but she was so dumb for that#idk why I brought this up EITHER#it’s just midnight and the swirling thoughts are getting me and it’s the way I feel right now#feel free to ignore etc etc
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Survey #173
“i like the sound of the broken pieces.”
Do you get excited when you learn you have to dress up? No. What brand of hair spray do you use? I don't use that. When you were younger, did you believe you could fly? Maybe? Favorite farm animal? Pigs! Have you ever written or considered writing a play? No. Have you ever had kidney stones? No. Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? Yes. Have any of your friends ever cheated on somebody? *shrugs* Pin the tail on the donkey - fun or stupid? I loved it as a kid. Still would have fun. In your opinion what is one of the ugliest cars on the road? I'm not knowledgeable on car names, but those box-looking ones are definitely up there. Have you ever been on the very top floor of a skyscraper? NO. Have you ever won anything out of one of those crane machines? Yeah. Can you remember being taught how to ride a bike? Was it hard for you? Yeah, I don't think it was too hard. How many instruments do you own/have you owned? Three: Recorder, flute, guitar. Were you ever a flower girl or ring bearer in anyone’s wedding when you were little? No. Have you ever had an ear infection? All the time as a kid until I had tubes put in, then I had one from Hell itself early this year because my former doctor was a fucking idiot. Do you own or rent your home? Rent. Are your parents in good health? No. Well maybe Dad is all right, but he doesn't look to be in great health. He's too skinny. Have you picked up any new hobbies in the past year? No. If you have a significant other, how old were you when you first met them? Like, ten. How old were they? Eight-ish. Is English your first language? If not, was it hard to learn? Yes. Have you ever worn a costume for any reason other than Halloween? Dance recitals/competitions. Is there anything you’re a snob about? I don't believe so. Are you open to trying new foods or would you prefer to stick to foods you love and have often? I'm hesitant to try new foods. Have you ever had a ‘summer fling’? If yes, did it continue when summer ended? No. Has anybody ever told you that you could be a model? No. Do you use different kinds of moisturizer for different body parts? ie. hand lotion for your hands, face cream for your face. Or do you just use one moisturizer for all body parts? No. Have you ever felt like you were someone’s rebound? No. Are you a vegetarian? If yes, how long have you been a vegetarian for and what are your reasons for being one? If no, do you think you’d ever like to stop eating meat? Not anymore, but I was for a couple months. I wish I could be one permanently; the way animals are butchered is horrific, and I don't want to take any part in their consumption. I see their lives as equal to mine. I'm not anymore for two reasons: 1.) Willpower, and 2.) my diet without meat is too carb-focused as I couldn't dedicate myself to enough vegetables (especially) and fruit. If for some reason you were were unable to get to a supermarket for the weekend (let’s say you were snowed in or something) which item would be the worst for you to run out of - toilet paper or toothpaste? Toilet paper. I mean both would be gross, but. I'd be more disgusted if I couldn't clean myself after using the bathroom, especially if, y'know. I could at least use mouthwash for the latter. Has anybody ever broken up with you over something really pathetic? What was it? Have you ever been dumped in a disrespectful way? (eg. through text, through a friend..) No, and yup. Jason broke up with me over Facebook Messenger after a serious three-and-a-half-year relationship. Yeah, pathetic. Does it irritate you when people are late for things, or do you not really care? Not really. But I guess it depends on the occasion. Is your bed against more than one of your walls? No Have you ever burned yourself while taking something out of the oven? No. I don't mess around with the oven. Have you ever made out in your room? Last time? Not in my current room. Have you ever injured yourself while you were under the influence of alcohol? No. When was the last time you were bitten by a bug? Idk. What’s the fastest you’ve ever driven in a car? I guess on a highway maybe I accidentally approached 80 mph? Have you ever had a dream where you could understand a foreign language? No. Have you ever owned a beanbag chair? I think so. Are you a fan of retro things? Y E A H Have you ever used pastels? Yeah, made a few things with them in high school art class. What’s the limit on how much you would pay for a shirt? Ohhhh idk... I'm a sucker for band tees especially. I suppose I'd be hesitant once it hits $40. Is it currently humid where you are? No. Who were the last people you hung out with? Just Mom. How many different colors have you dyed your hair? Black, red, purple. Do you feel safe where you live? Yeah. Where have you considered moving to? I'd like to move to the mountains once I'm independent. Have you been falsely diagnosed with something by a bad doctor? Lol yup. Did you know I had ADHD? :^) Have you ever had a doctor refuse to treat you? No. Are you against abortion? Not in all cases. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Not maliciously. Back when it was a "thing," Megan and I "hacked" into each other's YouTube accounts to write lovey-dovey shit in our descriptions. Who is the first person who broke your heart? Dad when he left. If you only mean romantically, everyone knows who. Do you know anyone who has fought in a war? Not to my knowledge. What’s the last song you danced to? No clue. Do you tend to be self-destructive? Eh, there's a moderate chance when something goes wrong. Self-bashing thoughts are easy to let in. What religion are you? Theist. Who is the last person you gave a ride to, and where did you take them? I don't have a license. Have you ever been shot? No. What is the coolest thing you can do? I dunno. Do you have anything from past relationships? Yeah, just like, plushies. And a small jewelry box. Do you like coconut water? Never tried it, and I doubt I'd like it. I hate coconut. Do you have a Nintendo Switch? No. At what venue was the last concert you attended? Idr. Do you think stained glass windows are pretty? YES. Are you scared of snakes? No. Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? No. I have my two bottom ones, but I was told there's enough room in my mouth for them to not be a big issue. X-rays show none on my top row. Do you like hard or soft pretzels better? Soft. Has anyone ever asked for your phone number, and you refused to give it to them? I believe so. Are you ready for children? Never will be. Does it take you a while to actually get jokes? Occasionally. Have you ever bleached your hair? Yes, to get it dyed. Do you like jelly beans? Depends on the flavor. Who taught you how to apply make-up? Myself, I guess? Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? House. Do you prefer Small Business Saturday, Black Friday, or Cyber Monday? Cyber Monday, man. Which do you prefer: iPhones, Android, Blackberries, or something else? iPhone. Do you ever put fruit on your cereal? No no no ew. Are there more photos or music files on your computer? Photos. Say something about the band/artist you’re listening to right now. I'm listening to "Professional Griefers" by deadmau5 ft. Gerard Way. I have no opinion on the band (this is the only song I know), but loooove me some Gerard. What is your favorite thing about the summer, besides the the no school thing? Just swimming. Are you similar to your sibling(s), personality-wise? How so? Nope. Well, my mom's eldest daughter is quite like me. We're both more quiet people that feel deeply and suffer from bipolarity. Do you watch amateur song covers on YouTube? No, but fun fact! I got into YT because Nicole wanted me to listen to "Before He Cheats" covers with her. I found the MM fandom, and it was all over. Which YouTuber have you learned the most from? About life and such, easily Mark. As far as obscure knowledge goes, Good Mythical Morning/Rhett and Link. What is your favorite type of church that you’ve visited? Visually, Catholic. What different types of churches have you visited? Catholic and Christian. What type of church do you hate or dislike? I don't *hate* or even "dislike" any just for their existence. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? My niece Aubree, buuut considering there's a 99% chance I'll be marrying a woman, her dad would never allow it. It might even be "too far" for Ash. What group are you most active in on Facebook? None. I pay most attention to the WoW ones I'm in, but I don't really take part, especially since I'm not currently playing. Are you ashamed of anything? Yes. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I think it was called Splash Mountain? Have you read the entire Bible? No. How old were you when you first dyed your hair? Uhhh however old I was my freshman year of high school since middle didn't allow dyed hair. Do you dye your hair regularly? No, sadly. ;-; Can't afford to. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Pj pants, man. Do you think you have what it takes to make it big in the entertainment biz? HAHA NO. Do you have a job now? If so, what is it? No. Currently going through VR to hopefully change that. List 10 favorite girls’ names. Alessandra, Josephine, Evangeline, Chloe, Evelyn, Fallon, Heather, Amani, Violet, and Ellie. List 10 favorite boys’ names. Damien, Vincent, Victor, Luther, Severin, Alexander, Aiden, Jaxson, Shawn, and Jamie. Which stereotype do you fit the most? Uhhhh idk?? Geek??? Are you thankful for social media, or do you wish it didn’t exist? I'm thankful for it. Do you think social media is beneficial? Or is it destructive? It's perfectly capable of being either. Have you ever been socially awkward? Hi, I'm Brittany. How old were you when you started puberty? Around 11? Do you think of baby names you like often? No. What health issues do you have? B O I severe social and generalized anxiety, AvPD, chronic depression, bipolar 2, OCD, PTSD, I think ADD, vertigo, inactive MRSA, severe dry mouth, the humiliating excessive sweating, carpal tunnel in both wrists, we're tryna figure out the fuck's wrong with my knees, and moderate-severe tremors. Is that it???? What are some health problems you have had in the past? Insomnia seemed to fuck off thank Christ, ear infections. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The medical combo that is partially responsible for saving my life is Latuda + Lamictal. What is your favorite pizza topping? It depends on the place that makes the pizza, but to be safe, I get pepperoni at most places. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Johny Paranormal is a sweetheart, but I don't watch him regularly. Most others I watch have at least/almost 1M subs, so I don't think you could call them "small." Have you ever made money off of YouTube? No. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? Oh my GOD there was this guy who made a video to "Gasolina" by whoever-the-fuck and Nicole and I were obsessed with it??? Do you own a pair of fishnets? Gloves. Are you sore right now? No. Have you ever experienced depression as a side effect? Lol I'm diagnosed with it, so. Because I have bipolarity too though but was medicated for depression, my bipolar symptoms were worsened and thus sometimes depression. (Learned being on anti-depressants while simultaneously being bipolar is only destructive.) Have you ever been suicidal as a withdrawal symptom? I don't believe so. How old were you when you got braces? Idk, sometime in middle school? How old were you when you started wearing glasses (if applicable)? High school, I think?? Are you good at remembering names? NO. When was the last time you held someone’s hand? Few days back at the movie theater. A preview for a movie that took place in a psych hospital came on, so Mom grabbed my hand tight, knowing it gave me bad memories. I was all right, but. Woulda rather not have seen it. Movie looked stupid anyway. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. Block out sound and you hear everything so well. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I honestly feel I'm capable, but I won't. Do you have any clothes with spikes/studs on them? I have a spiked choker and a studded bracelet, but I think that's it rn. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? Dead serious, I want to at some point get Darkiplier's first appearance/smile above/to the side of my left elbow by a really professional artist. I'll take my stanning behavior to the grave. Do you get exercise daily? No, but I really would like a treadmill. Something easy like that. Work my shit knees, too. Which emoji would you be most apt to dress up as? I don't????? know???????? Which do you think is better, DIY costume or storebought costumes? DIY!! You can get sooo creative. Do you stay out of stupid arguments online? I try to. I'll butt in though if I feel it necessary and/or beneficial. Do you want a new phone? Why or why not? More like I need one. Drops calls randomly, restarts at random, doesn't always do what I click. What book do you think should be made into a movie? Idk. Do you know anyone with a service dog? No. Do you like babies? Why or why not? Nooooo. Annoying as actual fuck, can't properly communicate with them, needy as hell, etc. etc. I'm not at all expecting anything more from them, they're babies, I personally just don't usually enjoy them. What is something most people don't know about you? I RP. Did you earn a title in the senior class polls? If so, what? No. How many teachers have bullied you? None. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? No. Snickerdoodles or s'mores? S'mores! What is something you remember enjoying very much as a small child? Webkinz. As a child, were you a sore loser or a sore winner? I don't believe so. Did you play with siblings, neighborhood kids, or by yourself? All of those. Have you ever, or would you like to attend a gaming or comic convention? YEAH. What's your opinion on online multiplayer games? Well, I went through a WoW addiction, so I obviously didn't hate it. I tend to enjoy single-player, though. Who is the most important person in your life (besides yourself)? Sara. Do you find it easy to make friends now? If not, what makes it difficult? NO BC I FEAR HUMAN INTERACTION AND JUDGMENT. If you live alone, what would be your criteria for a roommate? I don't live alone. But let's say I did: No drugs, no smoking, female, CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF, and by this point, you'd probably have to be my s/o. I'm almost 23 so am more interested in working towards settling down in a place with her versus nightly sleepovers with a friend. How about criteria for a spouse, if you're single? Jfc a lot, I am PICKY. What is something you do every day without fail? Go to the bathroom when I wake up. What is your typical breakfast? Cereal or a meal supplement shake. Or nothing. Is there a TV show you watch habitually? No. Where do you usually spend most of your day? In my room. Do you usually have something playing in the background when you're home? Yup, either a let's play (only background /usually/ if I've already visually watched it and I'm just revisiting) or music. Where do you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart or Harris Teeter. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries. How about your favorite berry? ^ Which trait in a person do you find most appealing? Compassionate. Care for more than yourself. Which trait puts you instantly off? Cockiness. Who is an actor/actress who you dislike so much you can't watch them? No one. Do you donate money to any charities? If so, which ones? I can't currently as I don't have a source of income. If you have pets, are any of them rescues from shelters? No. Have you ever had to rely on other people's charity? When we got evicted, yes. Is there a charity you absolutely never ever will trust? There are some that I know are full of shit, but nothing's coming to mind at the moment. Have you ever donated to a cause that had a person going door to door? No. Is there a book series you're currently collecting? No. Which website do you frequent the most? YouTube and KM. Do you judge people who have their phones out all the time? If so, why? Not really... It's where we are now. Technology is truly the dominant species. If your connection goes down, what do you do? Restart the router. Is there something you wish you could do online that isn't possible yet? Sure, like uh. Oh yeah lemme fucking hug YouTubers when they hug the camera and that sort'a shit. What was a website you used to frequent that doesn't exist anymore? Uhhh... I don't know about them no longer existing. Maybe this HUGE flash game site we used to go on. Do/Did you ever have your own website? For photography I do. Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up? No. When was the last time you talked to your most recent ex? It's been quite a while, actually. Are you racist to any race? No. Can you break dance? No. Have you made out with anyone in the last 2 weeks? Yes. She was ready and it was the cutest shit on Earth because she'd never done so before and had no clue what to do so we were giggling uncontrollably. Literally one of the purest experiences in my life. Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? I haven't shaved my legs since like June. Have you ever been professionally waxed? How did you find it? If you haven’t, is it something you’d consider trying? Eyebrows, yeah. It's a better way than plucking. What do you think of very cheap airlines, such as Ryanair? Would you fly with them or would you rather pay more for better service? Biiiitch no, I wanna feel safe. Does your mom like the last person you kissed? She loves her. Is there a secret you've never told your parents? Yes. Who last gave you their number? Uhhhh good question. Honestly, are you afraid to die? I mean I sure don't want to yet, but I'm not especially *afraid* of it. Have you ever had an ice cream cake for your birthday? No, not a big fan. Did you get a car the minute you turned sixteen? Lol I still don't have one. What do you want to major in? Zoology. When was the last time you kissed someone who was younger than you? The 17th. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yeah.
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