#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

[sugurizz]

𝐒𝐌𝐔𝐓/𝐍𝐒𝐅𝐖 +𝟏𝟖 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐃𝐍𝐈!!

𝐀𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ── Bby Boo Joo is a M E N A C E but I know a lot of us noticed him being all soft and tender (like 1% of the time) but oh well, I can work with that 💪🏼. So here’s some of the ways Jaekyung expresses his…feelings? Ig. kinda his love language.. in a way 💕…

𝐁𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧: 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐀𝐒𝐊.

Also thanks for the inspo and sorry ik this ask was sent long ago 🤧. U can call me Hana but I’ve been thinking about Yuna as a new alias…idk.

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: established relationship, Physiotherapist F! Reader, shared house, implied power dynamics, hints at sex/ SEXUAL content.

Living in Jaekyung’s penthouse sure made life easier for both of you. It slowly aquainted you to each other, bodies and minds. You slowly got used to his mannerisms, little habits and his little pet-peeves. The sense of pride it gave you to feel like you knew him more than anybody else sure gave you a tiny ego boost. especially him desiring you whenever his body needs it…

♥︎──♥︎ He checks on you randomly. Casually pretending to walk by your room and just making sure you’re there. He does it almost whenever he’s home with you. Sometimes getting a bit sly with it so you don’t really notice him. But you slowly learned it was his way of checking up on you, making sure you’re around him -you know- just in case…

♥︎──♥︎ He hates you not being home, especially when he’s back from overtime training. Whenever he’s feeling stressed, uneasy or just in a sour mood, he’d rather you be around him or at least somewhere he knows.

He made it obvious the one day you were away til a late hour at night. He came home from his evening workout, didn’t find you there and instantly texted you.

‘I’m home. need you to check on my shoulder.’

♥︎──♥︎ He always complains about his feather-light sleep, but snoozes like a baby whenever you’re in his bed. The nights before his matches are surprisingly best for him. He gets the best sleeping quality after he pounds the juices out your poor pussy. He wakes up before you for sure, but his cute disheveled morning hairs are sure proof of a healthy healthy nap.

♥︎──♥︎ He likes it better when you make the food. His cocky ass always claims he’s fine making it himself but eats twice the amount whenever it’s you cooking his meals. He’d pretend he’s tired and not in the mood whenever he craves your cooking cause…his ass can’t simply ask for something lol. Yet he gets all giddy and blushy when his fav smoked eel dish is ready.

♥︎──♥︎ He hates to see you in any pain. Always saying it’s just for himself though…You know, just because he wants you always safe and ready to keep him in peak condition. and NOT because he actually cares or anything.

Yet why does he still gets annoyed at you getting the slightest scratch? He frowns when he notices you wearing band-aids, having a bruise or even some random shallow cuts on your hands and he’d instantly grab your arm, staring into your eyes and asking you how’d you get the injury.

♥︎──♥︎ He likes randomly noticing you…*ahem* underclothed. booty shorts definitely trigger his inner perv. He stares at your ass when you’re standing in the bathroom, doing your skincare freshly out of a quick nighty shower. So damn shameless when he stares. Almost undressing you with the raven eyes and thick lashes. So annoying…

You usually end up taking another shower that same night, only with his thick cum flowing down your thigh the second time :3

♥︎──♥︎ He can sense whenever you’re feeling down…IRONICALLY? Sounds like a joke with Jaekyung being the dick he is LOL but trust me on this one.

He almost has a sixth sense whenever you’re sad, scared, stressed out or just if something inconvenient happens to you in general. He’d never admit it -obviously- but it bugs him if he ever caught you teary-eyed. It gets him uneasy and you can tell when his mood sometimes matches yours..

Uhhh smells like love in here *insert Jaekyung stuffing his nose with toilet paper scraps*

♥︎──♥︎ He hates when you struggle to do something by yourself instead of asking him for help. (paying bills, dealing with packages, paperwork etc…) Says they’re just ‘bs problems’ and he can solve them for you much quicker and better than you could. He’d do it himself or even pays someone to do it instead.

Besides, he’s not kidding when he says he wants all your focus on him so he’d rather everything around you gets taken care of just so you can be there for him at all times.

♥︎──♥︎ He doesn’t mind your outside life but would definitely notice when you’re all cute and dolled-up for some reason.

It’s not only about the dolly looks to be fair. He’d bend you over the kitchen counter in your stained apron and fuck you dumb or suck your tits in your goofy pattern pjs on one of his long sleepless nights…

But the time he notices you spraying your cherry fragance in the bathroom, your perky breasts sticking shyly through your dress and a shiny jewel dangling from your ankle bracelet always gets him tight in his boxers.

He walks in with his glossy eyes, same naugthy grin you see when he’s in that mood..

‘Tomorrow’s my back check-up. Better not be late.’ He steps behind you, arms lazily crossed above his chest.

You nodded and made your way through the entrance, catching a honeyed voice behind you.

‘Hey Doc. I’ll drop you by'...

…His white McLaren got you there way ahead of time. so ahead that you ended up clawing at the door close to you, the little ankle bracelet jiggling over Jaekyung’s back and your shaky arms wrapped shut around his shoulders. Begging him to let you cum in fear of missing on your little night out...

[izu]

hey just wanna say that i LOVE your art!!! i’ve seen you on twitter and ugh just can’t get enough of it! also do you happen to have some johnshi headcannons?? cuz if you do i would like to see them all!! :3

thank you so much!!! i hope to draw more.... also get ready bc i have way too many headcanons and this'll probably be super long winded unfortunately . this isn't all of it but its most of it

- kenshi is a heavy sleeper. after moving in with johnny post-tournament he begins to unwind from his former unhealthy schedule that was supported by his yakuza lifestyle. johnny wakes up at 5 am to work out until lunch, and kenshi sleeps in til like noon or 1. johnny thinks its cute

- they either own a fuck ton of cats or ferrets. johnny seems like a ferret guy to me

- they like watching director's cuts of movies instead of actual movies because kenshi can actually understand a little more of whats happening while the directors explain certain scenes and go into depth about the composition and art direction. its a win win situation for both of them

- johnny actually reads a ton of books, but is embarrassed about it. leftovers from being a ""nerd"" in high school. kenshi thinks its adorable and he likes hearing johnny retell the book plot and express his exasperation with it unfolding as he reads

- johnny has a sweet tooth and kenshi has a more refined palette, he will try anything johnny sets in front of him though, even if he isnt much of a sweets guy

- on that same note, johnny is very good at cooking! every other night he plans a meal for them, and it's almost always a winner. lots of japanese style dishes (took some trial and error on johnny's part) because he wants to impress kenshi

- they go to red carpet events together after a couple of years of dating, but for a while they pretended (to the press, too) that kenshi was his newest bodyguard. rumors spread fast though and it ended up being a perfect time to let johnny come out publicly as bi

- kenshi's parents are actually very very supportive. i think he'd be nervous at first but his mom thinks johnny is very handsome and his father agrees its a good change for their family. kenshi has two sisters who absolutely raise hell over kenshi nabbing a sexy gaijin star and he is very embarrassed about it. much to johnny's delight

- they spend every weekend on the balcony of johnny's new loft in his jacuzzi just talking and being sappy. kenshi genuinely gets a lil upset when things come up and they miss their date nights

- everytime kenshi returns to the states after visiting home johnny makes a big scene at the airport. lunging at him, crying sobbing

- kenshi proposes first, but johnny had been nervously trying to wait for a good time to do it himself. one upped. he is still very upset about this well into their marriage as old yaois

- kenshi is the top 👍 i think we all knew this but still

- even if he doesn't need it, its sort of a ritual between them so they never stopped; johnny is still kenshi's sight dog when they go out and he doesn't feel like relying on sento.

- sento's ancestors like johnny a lot and kept being annoying about kenshi needing to get hitched already hskw7kejej

- kenshi is achillean, gay. always has been. his arrangement with suchin was. arranged. and she was his lesbian beard for a while. the two are very very close and she visits their home often. johnny is trans and bisexual, but he's only out about being bi.

- johnny tends to have a really shitty sleep cycle, light sleeper, easily thrown into insomnia, the busy street life can really fuck up his routine when hes already had a terrible day. which ends up with the both of them on the couch, talking, watching a show, kenshi with his head on johnny's shoulder. they fall asleep like that 7 times outta 10

- the older they get the sappier and grosser they get . everyone who knows them hates their gay asses . jax and sonya included

- also they both get dad bods when they get older bc of all the good eating. neither are insecure about it. its hot

- kenshi is undeniably the spoiled one. gifts, fancy dinner dates, unrelenting affection and praise. he starts believing he deserves good things, that he is loved, solely by johnny's persistence with showing him instead of telling him

- cris ends up being their friend again after a while. i just dont like the cris villainization when its contrasted with johnshi support. she had her reasons to be upset at her alcoholic, spending-addicted husband, y'all

- johnny like action/sci fi movies. kenshi likes romcoms.

- they host parties. they're awesome parties.

[weird-arcanefangirl]

Rainy Days

TW:signs of depression, blood(described), wounds and later chapters WILL discuss suicide and self harm. If you are triggered by these themes do not read this. I will make happier stories

I do not relate to this, and this might not be accurate. My grammar and writing abilities aren’t good, please correct me or give me constructive criticism ❤️ also, this story was !!!PERFECTED!!! with AI, I wrote it myself, everything, but because I’m German and my whole family doesn’t know much English, this is one of my only options. I have the original where I wrote it into my notebook and made notes for myself and I still have it in it’s earlier stages (I already wrote much more when I was younger, my grammar was pretty bad tho) if anyone wants proof (the notebook) I’ll release it on @toulouseradiosilence <3

enjoy!

Chapter 1: Rose

I wake up to the sound of rain pouring onto the roof. The first thing I do after lying on my side for another 5 minutes is to look at the alarm clock. The time it’s displaying is barely visible, yesterday’s meal is standing in front of it. Would you call that dinner or breakfast? It was at about 4AM, so I’m not really sure, but it also does not matter, so I shove the leftover ramenbox and cheap diet lemonade off of the bedside table. The bottle shatters on the floor, startling me. Besides the cars, rain and airplanes outside this is the first noise I’ve heard today, and probably one of the ones I will hear. I finally look at the time. 10:30 AM. I’m not late to anything, I haven’t been late to anything in months.. or years. Because there is nothing to be late to. Nobody needs me, I’m not part of this “system”. And I think that’s not as bad someone would expect. I don’t have any responsibilities whatsoever. I don’t have to take part in this society, I can do whatever I want. And I choose to lay in my bed, draw or sleep. I have food in my storage (ramen, diet lemonade/ water). Sometimes I crave foods I used to eat when I was younger, but it’s certainly not worth going to the store for. Some days I eat a lot, some I don’t eat at all. Most days, actually. Some days I don’t get out of bed and some I don’t even wake up. Others I don’t sleep. Sometimes I look at drawings or other posts on tumblr. That’s all I really do. Sometimes I think about signing up and posting my drawings, but I’m not good with social stuff and this is too social for me in many ways, so I don’t. I have to go to the toilet, which is pretty unusual for me, considering i barely drink anything. I don’t want to get up though, so I continue lying in my bed for another 20 minutes, until I feel too uncomfortable. I sit up and put my feet into the ground. Something sharp cuts into one of them. I don’t do anything; I don’t even look down to see what just hurt my foot. Another minute of just sitting there and staring goes by until I decide to check. A piece of a broken diet lemonade bottle. I stand up and shove the trash under my bed, I didn’t remove the shard. I start walking. The cut stings. I really do not care though. Dragging myself into the bathroom, I push the door open and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but I quickly look away. I sit down onto the toilet and.. pee.. yeah, I pee. Afterwards I continue sitting on the toilet and my eyes trail along the way I was walking on, from the toilet to to the door. The door is open. I live alone. There’s a trail of blood on the floor. What? Oh. It’s my blood. Wait, yeah, of course it is. Who else’s would it be? I put my leg into the other to look at my foot. The shard is still in there. I actually kind of panic because it looks really, really bad. Almost my whole foot is cut open. And THAT is a reason to stay in bed all day (as if I wouldn’t do that anyway.. but now I have an excuse, I guess.) I limp over to my bed, but before laying down I check whether I still have some water. Luckily, I do. So I let myself fall onto the bed back first, take a chug of water and start to sleep.

Next chapter will probably release next week❤️

omg I just read through it and the amount of typos I made?? Guys pls tell me if there are mistakes this is embarrassing 💀😭

Also I hate the pace, its so fast…

[actuallyadhd]

Hello, I know you haven't posted in a while so I understand if you don't reply to this, but I could definitely use some advice.

I haven't gotten round to getting tested for ADHD, but I have a lot of the symptoms. I really struggle to sit still, I often blurt things out and interrupt people, I can't seem to remember basically anything, I get way too emotional over small things, and more.

The thing is, these symptoms seem to be getting progressively worse. I will hear something and then completely forget what I heard minutes after, forget what I'm talking about mid conversation, haven't gone to sleep on time because I've been pacing in my room and throwing a bouncy ball and eventually scrolling on my phone in bed because I can't get to sleep, I'm late a lot more than usual (I have to go out tomorrow and I'm hoping I'll get up on time, alarms don't work).

But the biggest thing is this: I keep stopping and starting things. I have loads of sideblogs I haven't posted on for days because I started them with huge passion and then either got bored or forgot about them (or both.) I've been thinking about starting a new ask blog, but at the same time I know I won't come back to it.

Do you have any advice for how to manage this?

Sent August 1, 2024

It sounds like things are cascading, which can be super overwhelming.

I always start with what I call The Big Four: diet, exercise, sleep, and stress. If any one of these is out of whack, everything gets harder. This is true for non-ADHDers as well, but for us it’s more important because of how our brains work.

So, first, think about how you’ve been eating lately. Are you getting enough protein? Brains run on glucose, so carbs are also necessary, but aiming for whole grains and the like is better for long-term functioning. Are you eating *enough*? As in, do you forget to eat meals? Do you snack a lot, and if you do, are you going for quick sugar hits?

Next up is exercise. Regular movement is important. Taking active breaks when you get distracted can help to reset your brain so you can focus again when you come back. Exercise also adds endorphins, which boost your mood and can help increase energy and focus for longer. These effects build up over time, so you won’t see results right away, but if you can make it happen there will be benefits!

As for sleep, you’ve noted that you’re struggling to fall asleep. That’s a really common thing for ADHDers, and we have loads of suggestions here to help. Some of the best ideas I’ve seen include listening to podcasts or watching ASMR videos, white noise machines or a fan, reading a book (not an e-book unless your e-reader doesn’t use blue light), or doing some kind of a puzzle book in bed.

Stress can be really hard to manage, especially if anything else is off since that adds to your stress. The best way to handle this is to have a set time each day where you do something fun and relaxing.

You may find that this doesn’t quite hit the spot. So I have a couple more things to look into.

First, it’s pretty normal for us to run into problems when our responsibilities increase. More responsibility means more load on our executive functions, so things start falling apart a bit as we struggle to find a way to make everything happen. Change is hard!

Second, our age and hormones can have an impact on things. If you menstruate, estrogen levels have a huge impact on functioning. It is a very important part of the brain’s glucose delivery system, so when estrogen is low so is glucose. (There are other ways glucose gets to the brain, estrogen is just the most efficient.)

As for age, when you hit certain ages (early childhood and puberty are best known) your brain makes a ton of new connections, and that can make a lot of things harder that weren’t before. This is because your brain is dedicating itself to other things, and often those “lost” skills return once it’s done with the stage.

So think about all of these things and consider whether one or more might be affecting you. Once you know what’s going on, it will be easier to figure out how to deal with it.

Followers, do you have any ideas for managing these issues? Please share!

-J

[femmefatalevibe]

hey babe! I was wondering if you have tips on body dysmorphia and self care/love? I’ve been dealing with it a lot and it rlly sucks, and I was wondering if you had advice?

Hi love! Here are my tips:

Accept where you are as a starting point, not a final destination

Consider what your (realistic) ideal body is and the habits this person would have

Write a list of these habits (dos and don'ts style) and start implementing one "do" and one "don't" every week. Habit stack until they feel natural and intuitive to you (some dos: drink 4 large cups of water daily, have some green vegetables with 2 meals per day, don't drink soda during the work week; some don'ts: skipping meals, having more than 1 processed food per day during the work week, etc.)

Treat yourself like you have your goal body ––eat, exercise, sleep, and talk to yourself the way you would if you had this body staring back at you in the mirror

Find physical traits you genuinely love about yourself––even if it's eyes, hair, lips, etc.

Put yourself together in ways that make you feel best––outfit, hair, makeup, nails, perfume, skincare, etc.

Hope this helps xx

[gaywattpadstorykid]

Rainy Days

TW:signs of depression, blood(described), wounds and later chapters WILL discuss suicide and self harm. If you are triggered by these themes do not read this. I will make happier stories

I do not relate to this, and this might not be accurate. My grammar and writing abilities aren’t good, please correct me or give me constructive criticism ❤️ also, this story was PERFECTED!!! With AI, I wrote it myself, everything, but because I’m German and my whole family doesn’t know much English, this is one of my only options. I have the original where I wrote it into my notebook and made notes for myself and I still have it in it’s earlier stages (I already wrote much more when I was younger, my grammar was pretty bad tho) if anyone wants proof (the notebook) I’ll release it on @toulouseradiosilence <3

enjoy!

Chapter 1: Rose

I wake up to the sound of rain pouring onto the roof. The first thing I do after lying on my side for another 5 minutes is to look at the alarm clock. The time it’s displaying is barely visible, yesterday’s meal is standing in front of it. Would you call that dinner or breakfast? It was at about 4AM, so I’m not really sure, but it also does not matter, so I shove the leftover ramenbox and cheap diet lemonade off of the bedside table. The bottle shatters on the floor, startling me. Besides the cars, rain and airplanes outside this is the first noise I’ve heard today, and probably one of the ones I will hear. I finally look at the time. 10:30 AM. I’m not late to anything, I haven’t been late to anything in months.. or years. Because there is nothing to be late to. Nobody needs me, I’m not part of this “system”. And I think that’s not as bad someone would expect. I don’t have any responsibilities whatsoever. I don’t have to take part in this society, I can do whatever I want. And I choose to lay in my bed, draw or sleep. I have food in my storage (ramen, diet lemonade/ water). Sometimes I crave foods I used to eat when I was younger, but it’s certainly not worth going to the store for. Some days I eat a lot, some I don’t eat at all. Most days, actually. Some days I don’t get out of bed and some I don’t even wake up. Others I don’t sleep. Sometimes I look at drawings or other posts on tumblr. That’s all I really do. Sometimes I think about signing up and posting my drawings, but I’m not good with social stuff and this is too social for me in many ways, so I don’t. I have to go to the toilet, which is pretty unusual for me, considering i barely drink anything. I don’t want to get up though, so I continue lying in my bed for another 20 minutes, until I feel too uncomfortable. I sit up and put my feet onto the ground. Something sharps cuts into one of them. I don’t do anything; I don’t even look down to see what just hurt my foot. Another minute of just sitting there and staring goes by until I decide to check. A piece of a broken diet lemonade bottle. I stand up and shove the trash under my bed, I didn’t remove the shard. I start walking. The cut stings. I really do not care though. Dragging myself into the bathroom, I push the door open and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but I quickly look away. I sit down onto the toilet and.. pee.. yeah, I pee. Afterwards I continue sitting on the toilet and my eyes trail along the way I was walking on, from the toilet to to the door. The door is open. I live alone. There’s a trail of blood on the floor. What? Oh. It’s my blood. Wait, yeah, of course it is. Who else’s would it be? I put my leg into the other to look at my foot. The shard is still in there. I actually kind of panic because it looks really, really bad. Almost my whole foot is cut open. And THAT is a reason to stay in bed all day (as if I wouldn’t do that anyway.. but now I have an excuse, I guess.) I limp over to my bed, but before laying down I check whether I still have some water. Luckily, I do. So I let myself fall onto the bed back first, take a chug of water and start to sleep.

Next chapter will probably release next week❤️

[something-tofightfor]

The Truth Is Out There: One Breath

Pairing: Marcus Pike x Female Art Conservator/Restoration Specialist FBI Agent

Word Count: 4,065

Chapter Rating: M (language, unintentional drug use, Teresa)

Series Warnings: Sex Pollen (with a twist), no use of Y/N, female reader insert, Reader works for the FBI in art restoration/conservation and has a nickname that is used often by Marcus. In this house we cannot stand Teresa and Jane and that is reflected in this story.

Summary:  Marcus might be getting his day off, but that doesn’t mean you also get to take a break. Instead, a new assignment comes in ... and changes everything. 

Author’s Note: Here’s where things really start to pick up. Thank you all so damn much for the response to part 1 yesterday, I’m floored. I hope you like this one, too. 

i’m playing fast and loose with a lot of things: mainly the way the FBI operates and what other agencies they closely interact with. Forgive me if the details aren’t 100% accurate.

Inbox is open, as always. Thank you for reading!

Masterlist / Unrequited

On Monday morning, you got to work a few minutes early. Heading to your office, you made it a point not to look at Marcus’ closed door when you passed it. Not today.

He hadn’t reached out on Sunday, though the message you’d sent him had been read at 7:42 am - which meant that he’d gotten less than four hours of sleep before opening it. 

Part of you wanted to know  that he was upset about the way you’d left things, too. 

Confirmation that your words had actually gotten to him and that he’d rethought his meeting with Teresa would have been welcome. You wanted to know that somewhere, deep down, Marcus’ feelings were similar to yours when it came to the relationship that the two of you had - and what else might have been possible. 

But that won’t happen. You sighed as you dropped your bag onto your desk and then removed your jacket, settling in and turning on your laptop. 

Starting a playlist, you returned your attention to the unfinished stack of paperwork from Saturday night and tried to keep the memory of Marcus standing on the sidewalk out of your thoughts. Otherwise I won’t get anything done.

That worked until a little after noon, when you took a break to eat lunch.

Carrying a stack of paperwork to drop off with your SSA, you finally glanced at the man’s office door. There was a sign taped to it, his neat handwriting letting everyone know he’d be available again the following day. He’s so considerate that he handwrote a note instead of printing one. The corners of your mouth lifted in a small smile, and despite the residual anger you felt toward Marcus, you couldn’t deny that it was true. 

You fielded questions about Marcus while you ate lunch with some of your coworkers - “Do you know where he is?” Is he out of town with someone? How do you know he’s not dating anyone?” - by giving vague answers. But their questions made you wonder - not for the first time - if part of Marcus’ hesitation about taking things further had anything to do with the fact that you worked together, and he didn’t want to repeat his past mistakes. That’d be my luck.

The vibration of your phone interrupted your meal just as a colleague attempted to change the subject. When you pulled it out to see who was trying to get ahold of you, you groaned, the other people at your table halting their conversations immediately. “What’s up? That your work phone?” 

“Yeah.” You tucked it back into your bag and stood, reaching for your trash. “They brought in some paintings I need to take a look at, so I guess I’ve gotta get back.” And that means you can’t grill me about  him anymore. 

You said goodbye and then made your way back into the building and up to your floor, bypassing the main office and heading for the wing of clean rooms you spent the majority of your time in. 

Everything you’d need was in there, and you grinned at the sight of Ethan, the department’s newest Agent leaning against one of the hallway walls with his arms crossed. “There you are.” He straightened up, gesturing to the room closest to the far end of the wing. “Couple crates of paintings got delivered this morning. We found ‘em when some sort of gambling ring got busted yesterday.”

“Why didn’t they have us come to the scene?” You followed the man into the room, reaching for a pair of gloves and pulling them on after you’d deposited your bag onto the counter. “Aren’t these evidence?”

“Something about the house they found them in being structurally unsound. Wasn’t safe to have people going in and out just to look around, so they shipped ‘em here. They want you to do your thing, and if they end up being stolen or forged … you get to let the people in charge know so they can tack on more in their investigation” 

“Well thank whoever made that decision for us.” You reached for the lid of the first crate, lifting it off and then leaning it against the table leg. “I love my job, but if I can look at things here where I have all my shit and a comfortable place to sit…” He laughed then, pulling on a pair of gloves of his own. “There’s just these two crates?”

“Yeah, there was some other art in the house but the local police just said that it looked like standard stuff - already on the wall, cheap… you know what I mean.” Humming in agreement, you pulled the first painting out and held it up in both hands, scanning the image.  It’s definitely not old. 

“Not a very good artist on this one.” Wrinkling your nose, you lowered it back into the crate and reached for the second painting, fingers closing around the frame to lift it. “Or this one. I’ll still need to take pictures of them all and upload them to the missing and stolen artwork database, but I don’t think there’s going to be any hits.” 

“Are they all boats?” Ethan pulled the lid off the second crate and reached in, pulling a painting up and then laughing. “Nevermind. This one’s a plane. And there’s a train, too.” 

“So we’ve got a collection of modes of transportation and …” You hummed in amusement, lifting another painting and turning it toward the man, wincing. “And trees.” 

“Got some water in here, too. I think this one’s the ocean.” Ethan slid the painting he was holding back in, and then turned to look at you, nose wrinkled. “So they’re just… generic paintings, then? 

“Looks like it.” You used the back of one gloved hand to rub at your forehead. “I can handle this on my own, Ethan. It’ll probably take about two hours to get everything photographed and sent through to the database, and I can finish taking samples by the end of the day so we can get these back to … whoever wants them. Maybe Goodwill. Maybe a dumpster. Who knows.” He snorted. “I appreciate you letting me know they came in, though. If you get anymore information while I’m in here, feel free to come back and update me.”

“Will do.” He snapped his gloves off and then moved to the sink, washing his hands. “Want me to get in touch with Pike? I know he’s off today, but he might want to know about this.” He would. He would love to know about these even though they’re nothing special. 

“No. He’ll catch up when he comes back.” You returned your attention to the crate, frowning. “I’ve got this.” The younger man agreed, and moments later you were alone in the room, the quiet hiss of the filtration system above you the only noise you heard. Should I call Marcus? 

Stepping back, you took your gloves off, too, and headed for the cabinets where your equipment was stored. Busying yourself with getting what you needed, you let your mind wander again. It was no surprise when it went back to Marcus - and the fight you’d had. If he wanted to think about work today, he’d be here. 

Pulling your phone out, you restarted your playlist and then put on new gloves, returning your attention to the first crate. It didn’t take you long to photograph all fifteen paintings, carefully making a list to identity what was what. 

The longer you worked, the more certain you were that they wouldn’t come up as stolen or forged when you cross-referenced them, but you knew that you had to go through the whole routine with every canvas anyway. Who would waste their time forging these?

Measurements, photos, a short description of each one, and a tiny scraping of the paint were standard procedure when you investigated art - and the set you were working with was no different. It didn’t take you long to settle into a routine with each painting, your focus entirely on what was in front of you.

But when you laid one of the canvases on the table to scrape the sample, you noticed a pale, shimmering blue powder sprinkled on the metal surface around it. Weird. Collecting a sample of that, too, you made a note of which painting you’d found it with and then moved onto the next one. 

When the powder appeared three paintings in a row, though, you stood and stepped back from the table, lips pressed together. It doesn’t have the consistency of paint, it looks more like … Eyes moving to your phone, you debated over calling Marcus - or just alerting the SSA, since he was already likely in the building. But Marcus needs to know, too. 

You pulled both gloves off, tossing them into the trash and picking up the device. There was only a slight hesitation before you dialed Marcus’ number and held it to your ear, waiting. He didn’t answer, which you expected. As you heard his cheerful voice inviting you to leave a message, you almost hung up - though you stopped yourself at the last second. 

And then it beeped. 

“Hey, Marcus. It’s me. Um, I know you’re off today and I’m sorry to call your personal number, but … we got a new case, and I thought it was going to be some easy cataloging of a bunch of crappy paintings. But, I’m going through them now, and I think … I think they’re being used to smuggle drugs somehow. I know I need to let Cavanaugh know. He’s my next call, but I wanted to tell you first.” You took a breath, stepping further away from the table, though you didn’t look away. “I’m in CR3, and since I’ve already been in here with no mask on, if it is drugs, or even something else they can’t identify right away, I’ll probably need to isolate for a day or two until they figure out what it is and how they can help me.” Wrap it up. “You don’t have to call back. I just wanted you to know before I do a test because who knows what they’ll tell you when you get back in tomorrow.” 

You hung up then, not even bothering to say goodbye, and eyed the table warily. It should have been easy. These were just supposed to be terrible paintings. Grabbing another pair of gloves - and a mask, you headed back for the table with one of the field test kits and two more small specimen bags. 

It only took you a few seconds to complete the test, scraping some of the powder into the baggies and breaking the liquid vials open before shaking them back and forth. No reason to tell anyone else if it doesn’t come back positive. It could just be dust from the paint or from the way they were stored. 

You felt relief when the recommended amount of time had passed and there was no color change with the kit. Maybe it’s just chalk. Sighing, you sat back down at the table and continued to work, focused on the task at hand. I shouldn’t have called Marcus. That was a knee jerk reaction. Three paintings - and no additional blue dust - later, you took the mask off, setting it aside. 

Flipping the painting of the ocean over, you scanned the back looking for any sort of identifying marks and frowned when you saw that one of the canvas staples was loose, immediately reaching for it. It’s just a coincidence. That’s all. With your fingertip poised to push the staple back in, you paused, chewing on your lower lip. Or… 

Using a small set of pliers, you removed that staple - as well as all of the others on that painting, and then carefully lifted the frame from atop the canvas, eyes glued to the sight in front of you. “Oh, no.” Standing, you backed away from the table - your eyes wide. Shit. 

Scrambling for the phone that was hanging on the  wall, you dialed Cavanaugh’s office, the man picking up on the second ring. “Hey, it’s me.” You sighed, keeping your eyes on your workspace. “I’m in CR3, and I think … I think we have a problem. You might want to call our drug guys or the DEA.” 

“What?” He sounded incredulous. “Ethan told me -” 

“Yeah, well I was wrong. I started cataloging stuff and there was some sort of weird powder on some of the paintings, and I tested it. It didn’t change color or anything, so I kept working and ended up finding a loose staple on the back of another one.” You paused, swallowing hard. “There’s um… there’s bags of whatever it is hidden in hollow portions of the frames, and some of them broke because they got caught on splinters or nails or something sticking out of the wood, Cavanaugh. Whatever was in them, I’ve been breathing it in for the last hour and a half in some capacity.” 

“You didn’t have a mask on?” 

“Not the whole time. I put one on after I saw the powder, but when it tested negative, I took it off.” Stupid. It was stupid of me. “That’s my fault, and I’ll rake full responsibility for that, but it is what it is at this point.” He swore on the other end of the line, and for a few seconds, was silent. 

“Are you alright? I’m going to call the DEA right now. I wish I could tell you to get out of that room, but -” 

“I feel OK so far. I know I can’t leave. And if it was possible to completely seal this room, I would have done it already, but until you get here, the only other person that knows where I am is Ethan, so I think we’re alright as long as you keep anyone else from coming down here.” 

He sighed, the sound loud through the speaker. “See you in a few minutes, Agent.” 

You hung up, replacing the phone on the wall and then turned back toward the table. I need to grab my phone. I need to get my stuff and get it ready to leave. Pulling another mask from the box even though you didn’t know what good it would do, you stepped toward the table, eyes on the bags and loose powder. I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have just -  

Your thoughts were interrupted when the door hissed open behind you, a voice calling out your name. “I came as soon as I got your message.” Oh no. You shouldn’t be here. 

“Marcus, wait. You need to turn around and leave.” The mask fell from your hand, your head whipping toward him as you spun on one heel. “Don’t get too close, it’s some kind of drug, and -” 

He tripped as he crossed the sparkling clean floor, and then everything seemed to happen in slow motion. 

The man’s eyes widened, the toe of one sneakered foot sliding along the surface as he tried to find his balance, both arms extended. You reached for him out of instinct, wanting to keep him from toppling to the ground, but Marcus’ weight was too much for you to counter against, and you were caught off-balance, too.

Before you could do anything about it, you were on the floor, a yelp of pain leaving your lips as your tailbone hit the tile. Marcus wasn’t far behind you, but instead of using his hands to brace for impact, he reached for the table and caught the edge of the frame, which was overhanging by a few inches. “Ah, shit!” 

Marcus swore loudly, jerking his hand back as he, too, made contact with the floor. Only seconds later, a cloud of blue dust was floating through the air and the wooden frame clattered to the ground beside you, accompanied by the canvas and a few unbroken baggies of powder. Oh, shit. Before you could stop yourself, you sucked in a breath, eyes widening.

You did the only thing you could do and reached for Marcus, covering his mouth and nose with one of your gloved hands while you did the same to yourself with the other. But there’s no way we didn’t inhale any of it. You finally met his gaze, and you could see the anger in his eyes - along with feeling the clench of his jaw beneath your palm. Oh, Marcus. I’m so sorry.

He raised one hand and when it was in place over yours, you quickly removed your fingers before scrambling backwards until your back hit the wall of cabinets. Marcus followed you, and when you were both as far from the table as you could get, you lowered your hand, breathing hard. Shit. Shit shit shit. I can feel it in my throat.

“I’m so sorry, Scully.” He hung his head. “I got your message and came right here, and when I saw you in the room, I just …” Tilting his head back, he stared up at the ceiling. There’s blue on his face and in his hair. Wonder what mine looks like. “I can’t believe I slipped on the fucking floor, and I should have known better, but -”

“Marcus.” Turning your head toward him, you tried to smile. “I was already in here with it. I’m just sorry that now you’re stuck, too.” Cavanaugh and the DEA will be here soon. It’ll be fine. “It didn’t turn positive for any of the normal stuff, but the way it’s packaged makes me feel like it’s for recreational use, and -” 

“Pike? What are you doing in there? Thought you were off today.” Cavanaugh’s voice came through the speaker and both of you turned your attention to where he stood, arms crossed on the other side of the glass. He looks pissed. “You didn’t say anything about Marcus being with you.” 

“He wasn’t.” Gesturing with one hand, you pointed at the overhead camera. “Watch the footage. You’ll see what happened.” Marcus snorted next to you, reaching up to scrub at his face. On instinct, you stopped him, your gloved fingers closing around his bare ones. “Don’t.” You looked away from the glass and at the man sitting beside you. “We don’t know what it is, and if you rub it in, it might get into your eyes or up your nose or -” You saw the fear in his expression then, Marcus’ lips parted enough so that you could see a peek of his teeth behind them. I’m scared too.

Moments later, he nodded in agreement, letting out a long breath and lowering his chin. When you went to release his hand, though, he didn’t let you, instead spreading his fingers wide and linking them with yours before he squeezed. 

It was the first time you’d held his hand since the two of you had briefly dated, and you knew that you weren’t able to hide the look in your eyes or school the expression on your face into something impassive as he tightened his hold, the man’s touch almost protective as his thumb swiped over your knuckle. I’m still so mad at him but this … fuck. 

“DEA is only a couple minutes away.” Cavanaugh sighed. “I’ve been told to keep an eye on you until they get here. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the filtration system got turned off to preserve evidence, so…” You hadn’t even noticed that the room was totally silent, the constant whir of the fan gone. “Are you two alright? How do you feel?” 

“Annoyed.” You shrugged. “I still feel fine, though. I don’t notice any sort of … effect from this, and I’ve been in here a long time.” I’m glad Marcus is here, though. Really glad, even though that’s selfish.

“I feel alright, too.” Marcus shifted next to you, bringing one knee up and reaching out to rest his forearm atop it. “They gonna be able to help us, boss?” There was only a brief flicker of uncertainty from the man outside the room before he nodded, looking between you and Marcus. 

“Of course they are. Hang tight. You’ll be out of there soon.”  You hoped he was right. You wanted to get out of the clothes you had on, into the shower and then into bed. But it won’t be that simple. 

“You really feel alright?” Marcus was eyeing you, the man’s frown deep. “You’re not lying to me?” 

“No. But I am scared. Who knows how long whatever this is might take to kick in, or what it’ll do when that happens.” You chewed on your lower lip for a few seconds. “I shouldn’t have called you, Marcus. I guess I just panicked, even though I knew you were busy today. I didn’t mean to ruin your dat… your afternoon.” 

“It wasn’t a date. And you didn’t ruin anything.” He squeezed your hand again, shaking his head slowly. “You really called me first? Thought I wouldn’t hear from you anytime soon after the other night. ” 

“Yeah, I didn’t plan on reaching out to you, but then …I did.” Mindful of the fact that your boss was likely listening in, you decided to keep things vague. “We can talk about it later though, if you want.” He smiled at you then, a genuine one - the expression lighting his face up beneath the dusty blue tint. 

“I want.” You stared at each other for a few seconds, and unless you were imagining things, you caught Marcus’ gaze drop to your mouth before it raised back up, his eyes locked with yours. “What do you think this shit is?” 

“I have no idea. But it’s been almost two hours since I started working with these paintings and I still feel fine, so whatever it is must not be anything that kicks in immediately.” 

“But when did you actually breathe it in?” He blinked slowly, still staring at you. “Because that might make a difference if there was only a little in the air and you weren’t close, compared to what happened when I stumbled in here.” 

“I…” You closed your eyes, thinking. “Right when I called you was when I first saw it on the table. I put a mask on when I went back to test it, though… and then I took it off when everything came back clear. So … I don’t know, maybe twenty minutes before you got here? But it was definitely way more potent when you knocked it off the edge, so…” 

“So whatever it is, we both got the big dose at the same time.” He arched a brow. “About five minutes ago.” He frowned again. “You know, I don’t think blue’s your color.” Gesturing with one finger at your face, Marcus finally cracked a smile. “No, actually… blue is your color, just maybe not this shade. Can’t say the same about that one shirt you have, though, because -”

“Marcus?” Both of your heads snapped up at the sound of a new voice, and you weren’t able to keep from wrinkling your nose and gritting your teeth at the sight of the dark haired woman, pale skin highlighting the green of her eyes. What the fuck is she doing here? “You said you’d be right back, but the DEA guys showed up and I heard them say your name, so I -” 

She stepped back at a flurry of activity, the woman’s attention going to her right - and toward the door to the room. It was delayed, but your hand jerked, and you attempted to pull it free from his hold. Of course. Of course she’s here. Why wouldn’t she be?

He didn’t let go right away - until you whipped your head in his direction, eyes wide. Then, he had no choice, releasing you from his grip and curling his fingers into a loose fist as he brought it back to his lap. 

Before either of you could speak, you heard another voice and saw a trio of people dressed in HAZMAT suits in the hallway, the three of them joined by another pair of men in regular suits and your boss. “DEA’s here, Marcus.” You mumbled the words, closing your eyes. “Time to find out exactly how fucked we are.” 

—

 Tag list reblog coming soon! 

[pedripics]

Pedri about the day to day life during the world cup, bets and the player that surprised him the most

ERIC: What do you do all day? You know from the moment you wake up until you go to bed. PEDRI: Let’s see. We wake up and go have breakfast. ERIC: Because I’ve been told that the days are pretty strict/ hard around here. PEDRI: Not for me honestly. I mean it’s true that you wake up, eat breakfast and if you’re late, for any meal, you will get a fine. For everything, if you arrive late. If you’re not on time, fined. Afterwards, we have an hour or so for training. That’s normally just a warm-up and some training. After the meal, there's an hour or so where we sometimes go to the pool or play ping pong or something like that to pass time. After that, we eat. Again, if you arrive late, you get a fine. ERIC: And what do you get to eat here? Croquettes? PEDRI: I wish they would let me eat croquettes. JAVI: Croquettes from mum. PEDRI: They won’t let me. JAVI: Fer [Pedri’s brother] told us he was going to bring us some to practice one day. He never did. PEDRI: He never goes anymore. Probably won’t go so he doesn’t have to bring you any croquettes. But yeah, in the afternoons. I always sleep a lot, take a nap or I play on the PlayStation. Depends on the day and how I wake up. Almost all our afternoons are free, so yeah you can do whatever you wanna do.

ERIC: I’ve heard Lucho [Luis Enrique] say something about a prediction bet for the World Cup on stream. JAVI: What’s the bet about? Spill the tea. What’s going on there? Why is Gavi first? What has he done that you haven’t? PEDRI: I don’t know what he put. I think he’s just guessed and had good luck because it’s rare that Gavi has something right. But honestly, I’m very bad. Like literally, I am last. There are like thirty people, the prediction bet is of all the World Cup results. You write down your result and a 1, 2, or X. Like the Quiniela [Spanish football betting pool]. If you guess the result correctly, you get 2 points; if you guess the symbol, 1 point. And I am last. ERIC: And Gavi is first? PEDRI: That’s the worst. Yes, Gavi is first and Nico is second at the moment, I think.

JAVI: What player that you’ve played against in the World Cup -  Musiala doesn’t count because everyone said Musiala. Have you met/ seen one player – you’ve played many matches – where you’ve said ‘oof this guy, this kid, is pretty good’? PEDRI: One I’ve seen or played against? JAVI: Doesn't matter. PEDRI: One I’ve seen who surprised me is the one from Ecuador – Moisés Caicedo.

[kayleezra]

Thoroughfare// Joel Miller x GN!Reader

Word Count: 7891

Warnings: Spoilers for the beginning of the game/ episode 1 of the series (character death), swearing and lots of it

Summary: Fic based on the song Thoroughfare by Ethel Cain (please listen to it). First-person POV. Reader and Joel have known each other since childhood but are separate post-outbreak. What happens when they’re reunited and old feelings resurface with the prospect of exploring the West. 

A/N: so I edited this like once but in the spirit of the new episode dropping early today I wanted to post this! Let me know of any errors and/or tags/warnings please and thank you!!!! 

Being alone after the fall of civilization wasn’t the plan, but given the selfishness and brutality of the new world, it was necessary. It was a dog-eat-dog world, even a human-eat-human world. Most survivors I encountered wanted to take everything I had, even if all I had was the skin on my back. Even long-standing groups imploded on themselves at one point or another. It was lonely but safer, no one to turn on you, trade you, or use you. I hadn’t started alone, on the day of the outbreak I was at Joel’s, it was his birthday and even though he worked I ensured there was a hot meal and cake for him no matter how late he got home. Everything went wrong so fast, we lost Sarah and everyone was fending for themselves, not that I blame them. For a while, it was just Joel, Tommy and me, until things got messy. We were ambushed by a group and separated, I haven’t seen either of them since, survival got in the way of finding them. 

I hate not knowing how they’re doing, I grew up with the brothers, I’ve known them for as long as I can remember. Joel and Tommy were hard workers, they were always trying to support themselves and each other. When Joel told me he was going to be a dad I was shocked, he and Amelia had been dating for a couple of years but we were in high school, and I knew it was going to be hard on the both of them. But I was also excited, I’ve always wanted to be an aunt! So I put together a baby shower for Amelia, collected clothing for their soon-to-be daughter and even managed to get them a crib. I was happy for Joel, he always talked about having a family, and wanting that mushy romantic domestic life. I did always harbour a crush on him and wish I could fulfill that for him but was happy nonetheless, he deserved it. They got married after high school at 22, but it was first and young love, it was never meant to last. By 28 he and Amelia had divorced, it was as amicable as possible. They harboured no hard feelings, they both grew and matured and understood it was for the best. 

Now, I’m somewhere out east alone. I find some rocks and trees that can provide my resting body coverage and make myself comfortable for the night. I’m calm, or as calm as I can be. Still on edge and alert for any unwelcome surprises but there's only so long I can go without sleep. I never really set up camp, unless necessary, I never wanted to notify others of my whereabouts, I learnt that the hard way. A lonely traveller is an easy prey for any group of 2 or more.

Exhaustion is what lulls me to sleep, the moment I lay down I’m aware of how tired and sore my body is but I don’t have time to care as I’m pulled into a state of half-consciousness

A low groan, almost a growl, rings through my ears, immediately putting me on high alert. My heart is racing at the sudden prospect of danger, it’s unlikely that one lonely infected has travelled near me. Pulling my pistol from my pocket, I prepare to take out a few infected and escape as soon as possible. My ears strain with the effort of trying to hear anything but it’s pretty quiet. I don’t let my guard down, just because I can’t hear them doesn’t mean they’ve left. Then heavy repetitive footsteps, getting closer. I switch the safety off, I’m about to reveal myself when my brain stops me. These footsteps are too consistent, there’s no fumbling around or fast changes in direction. I strain my ears again, there’s no wheezing or the sound of wet breath that accompanies the spores in the infected’s lungs. They’re human, seemingly alone, which makes people very desperate. I’m conflicted if I take them by surprise or wait them out, taking a human life who hasn’t yet wronged you isn’t easy. But do I want to wait for them to potentially wrong me? The decision is made for me when they painfully fall to the ground next to me. They are a man, with eyes squeezed shut and teeth gritted. I run my eyes along him quickly, he’s well equipped but his hands are busy clutching his blood-soaked side. His eyes shoot open, and like I’ve been wounded by his gaze I, “Joel!?!”

His movements stop and his eyes shoot to mine, shocked silence engulfs the two of us. Then I remember he’s injured. 

“Let me help you,” I say giving him a hand and bringing him into the nook that was my resting place mere moments ago. 

He sits propped up, “you wanna tell me what happened and what I’m dealing with?”

“Bullet wound. Ran into a couple of hunters.”

“How far from here?” I ask while digging for medical supplies in my backpack, worried the hunters may still be looking for him.

“You don’t have to worry about them no more. They were scouting the highway.”

“Got it. What kind of medical supplies do you got?”

“Nothin’”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

“Christ, alright. Okay, I’m gonna lift your shirt and have a look.”

Lifting his tattered green plaid shirt reveals a bloody mess. 

“I’m going to clean the area a bit to see what the damage is, this will probably hurt.”

He nods. Wiping the excess blood and grime gives me good news.

“You sir, are a very lucky man. It’s only a graze. It’s a pretty clean wound which ensured minimal bleeding, the edges are clean. As far as bullet wounds go, this one is a beaut. I’ll clean and bandage it, and then… we’ve got some catching up to do.”

I clean his wound in silence and as the adrenaline leaves his body he becomes lethargic.

“Gotta be honest, I thought you were dead,” Joel mumbles lowly.

“Well, I probably should be. But I thought the same of you. Tommy?”

“Alive as well as I know, he’s got a camp out in Wyoming.”

“West from here,” I add. I don’t know what happened that caused the two to split and I don’t push it. 

“Stay here, I’m going to see what I can raid off those bodies you left on the highway.”

I attempted to get up but am stopped by Joel's hand on my arm.

“You ain’t leaving me are ya?” “I’d never leave you, Joel,” I say a bit more sincerely than I intended but in his exhausted state, he’s likely to forget about it. 

I’m careful on the dark highway, Joel says I didn’t have to worry about the group of hunters but you can never be too sure. Turns out, the hunters were desperate because they had nearly nothing of use on them, even their weapons were looking worse for wear, and they likely wouldn’t have made it another winter as they were. However, one had something that was of more value to you than anything else they could’ve harboured together, a transfer pump. On a highway filled with abandoned cars, we’re guaranteed to get something working and a full tank of gas. 

I make my way back to Joel, he’s barely alert but has enough in him to point his gun at me upon arrival. Raising my hands in defence I reassure him that it’s just me. 

“Rest up, I’ll keep watch. You get busy healing.”

Joel lets out an entertained scoff before allowing exhaustion to take over. 

As the sun begins to rise, its rays wake Joel. He seems slightly confused at first but relaxes when he sees me and remembers last night's events.

“How’re you feeling?” “Pretty good, all things considered,” he says while lifting his shirt and looking at his bandaged wound. The bandage is still clean of any blood or any other excrements which is a good sign. 

“Good because we’ve got a mission.”

“Oh yeah, what's that?” His rough voice asks.

“Getting one of them cars out there to work.”

“Then we better get going.”

We pick a truck that seems to be in order besides a few parts and the fact that it’s blocked in by other cars. 

“You ever fix up a car before? Because you were never a car person before.” Joel asks.

“Nope, and I’m still not but I spent time with a group that did and I learnt enough to escape them so I’m more qualified now. You?”

Joel shakes his head, seemingly thinking of something rather than answering my question. 

God isn’t real, that much is clear given the current state of the world but I might have a guardian angel because, after a few hours, Joel and I are able to get a truck running. We then spend some time pushing other cars out of the way before we’re able to drive. I’m tired, I haven’t slept in days, I was supposed to take a night's rest when Joel stumbled upon me but he needed it more than me and now that things are going to plan my body begins giving out. I look at Joel in the driver's seat, “where are we going?”

“How about West? We go further East and the coast will make some unforgiving winters. Plus, Tommy’s out West.”

“West it is.”

Once he gets us off the crowded highway, he speaks up.

“Get some rest, you need it.”

I smile, “Yeah… I missed you too,” then prop myself against the window and close my eyes. 

I’m softly awoken by Joel's sturdy hand on my thigh and his deep hushed voice, “C’mon baby, let's get some rest.”

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, my neck and shoulders sore from the odd position they found themselves in. Joel makes his way to and opens my door, wraps his arm around my waist and leads me out of the truck and towards a long, 2-story building. 

“Where are we?” I ask gruffly.

“An abandoned motel. I’ve already scouted it out, it’s safe.”

I’d normally yell at him for doing something as stupid as clearing a building alone when he has help but I’m too tired. So I lean into Joel and allow him to lead me to a room. Inside is a dingy mattress with some threadbare pillows and blankets, our bags are already stashed under the beaten-up desk, Joel prepped the room before bringing me in, that caring bastard. Joel sits me down on the bed, I fight slumber while watching Joel push random furniture in front of the door and draw the musty curtains over the boarded-up window. Someone was clearly here before us and made it their safe space, I try not to think about what happened to them. 

Joel makes his way to me, I can see a small smile on his face, trying to hide the amusement he’s getting from me fighting to stay awake.

“Lay down, baby. We’re safe.”

I do as he says and Joel sits at the foot of the bed, taking my feet into his lap. He begins to carefully remove my shoes. Suddenly I can keep my eyes open with some ease and I watch him, his steady hands and caring face. My chest fills with a warm radiating love, I haven't seen a man with such soft emotions in his eyes in years. Joel hasn’t been consumed by anger, he’s still human, still a good man. It was touching to see given that most of us were left in a world where there was no one else to leave and no one else to love. Looking at Joel I felt some peace, I didn’t care where we were or where we were going, as long as I was with him. 

Finally, Joel gets up and joins me in bed, he keeps a respectable distance but in my sleepy state, I have the confidence to inch my way against him, spooning him while resting my forehead in between his shoulder blades. I fall asleep with my arms and thoughts filled with my southern sunshine. 

We spend a few days resting before continuing our travels West to Tommy, which sounds like paradise from Joel’s description. 

“How much longer of travelling d we have ahead of us?” “Probably no more than 3 days, we’re close.” “Why’d we stop if were so close?” “Needed the rest, plus there are so cars here that we’ll take the gas from.”

I nod, half believing him. 3 days is nothing it seems odd that he stopped for multiple days for 3 days of travel. Unless the next 3 days are hell…

“Do you know something I don’t?” I ask.

“What d’ya mean?”

“Resting multiple days for 3 days of travel? What’s up ahead that I don’t know about?”

“I hope nothin’”

“But there was something?”

“No, look I just- I thought we could use the rest, you’re complicatin’ it”

I’m still skeptical but I let it go. Joel’s being weird, sure we were tired, we always were but you had to trudge on to survive. 

“Let’s go,” he says while getting up and grabbing his things to leave. 

Joel hands me my backpack, I let out a quiet ‘thanks’ shy under his direct gaze. 

“We’ve got some gas to steal,” I say while we leave, distracting myself. I hear Joel let out a scoff to cover his laugh. A smile takes over my face in pride knowing I can still make the man laugh, a laugh I’d kill to hear more often. When we step out of the motel, the morning sun is warm and welcoming. I feel… new. I’m not one for ‘signs from the universe’ but the sunrise and its accompanying warmth gave me this sense that this was a new beginning and that things are going to be okay. I stop to bask in it, letting the sun warm my face and seep into my bones. Joel stops beside me and when I look to him he’s also taken by the sunrise. He looks almost at peace, like in this brief moment the war in his head, heartbreak from his past, and the worry of tomorrow, have all quieted down, allowing him a moment of enjoyment. He looks so pretty. The moment ends and Joel looks at me, catching me staring. 

“Hmm?”

“Nothing, I just- You look-.” I take a breath, trying to collect myself while my mind swarms with thousands of things I want to say to him. “I’m just… really happy to have found you again.”

I’m too scared to allow him to respond or even react because I’m already walking away, “c’mon we’re getting gas, remember?”

Joel spends 20 hours driving, he's tired and fighting sleep. 

“Joel let me drive, I promise not to crash and I’ll wake you if we die.”

He smiles, glancing at me, “you know where we’re going?”

Shit. “No…”

Joel laughs at my realization.

“We’ll show me on a map! Then I’ll follow that.” I explain excitedly.

“Aren’t you ‘map blind’ as you always put it?”

Just then, Joel and I are years younger, pre-outbreak young. We’re each other's rocks, constantly teasing one another while never letting the other fall.

“You remember that?”

“Course I do, you couldn’t read that damn map even if there was a ‘you’re here’ sticker on it. You gawked at that thing like I handed you an old scripture in hieroglyphics.”

Joel looks young, the recounting of that story releasing the constant stress in his face and body. 

“You had it upside down.”

I can’t help but laugh, I did have it upside down. And even in an apocalypse, I am still map blind. However, Joel remembering such a trivial moment in our time together in our past life has me astounded. In a world where life, as you know it is flipped upside down and your daughter is taken from you while still in your arms… it’s hard to imagine those moments still taking up space in his memory. 

“I can’t believe you remember that.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” “I don't know because there's so much happening all the time and there's other things that are more worthy of being remembered.”

Joel's face falls, his eyes follow suit, looking at the ground. My name falls from his mouth like a whispered prayer, scared that if it can be heard by the human ear it’ll be tainted. “I held onto every memory of you because sometimes… sometimes it’s one of the few things that keeps me going. I treasured our time together then but now? Now, I hold onto those memories because they remind me of who I was, they ground me, and remind me of how there was so much good in the world.”

He stops but there are still words that are stuck on his tongue, “I thought I lost you for good. Tommy and I- we looked for you but you know how it goes. I accepted that you- that you were no longer a part of this cold and selfish world and yet… here you are. And you still have that warm smile, you’ve kept the damned sense of humour and you’re just as snarky, if not more so, than before.”

My eyes are hot with tears, not the usual tears of loss or frustration or hopelessness but tears of love. I love this man. I loved him then and I love him now and I don’t know if anything could ever change that. I quickly wipe a defiant tear as if he wouldn’t see it. My overwhelming emotions leave me unable to speak, so I don’t, instead, I take his hand in mine. I hold him like a loving partner holding their sick lover's hand to provide comfort, I hold him like my life depended on it, I hold him like he’s my everything because he is. 

“You’re one sappy son of a bitch, Joel Miler,” I say quietly.

His chest rumbles with a low chuckle, and his warm thumb smooths over my hand. I relish in the moment of intimacy. Loving intimacy is harder to come by than kindness in this world even in something as small as hand-holding. I think it is more likely that I read a map correctly than I come in contact with regular loving intimacy. Everyone is touch starved and yet no one is willing to be vulnerable enough to provide that touch because people are too selfish for it to be a safe and wholesome act, because one that is often abused and adulterated.

“Only for you, darlin’”

“Well then let’s pull over so you can get some sleep,” I then bring his hand to my lips and give him a small kiss. 

Joel hides us in some foliage, trying to ensure we don’t stick out like easy prey out in the open. We fold the back seats and do our best to make the musty upholstery comfortable, not that it’s the worst place either of us has slept. The sun will rise in a couple hours and in dead spaces like this? That signals a sort of quiet. Most hunters move at night in these areas, trying to catch innocents off guard while they’re trying to rest. Travellers move as fast as they can in the night thinking danger will be asleep. The world is a free-for-all but when the sun sets? It becomes a war against you and every other thing, living or not. 

“I’ll keep watch, you rest,” I tell Joel.

“Ain’t you tired?”

“I got some sleep in the car, plus if I really need it, I can sleep when we’re on the road again.”

I sit myself up against the back of the driver's seat, placing different clothing items in my lap, “come on, I promise not to fall asleep,” I tell Joel, gesturing to the makeshift pillow I’ve made with my lap and clothing. 

Wordlessly Joel situates himself, laying on his back with his head in my lap, groaning when his body relaxes and he becomes aware of the tired and sore muscles within his body. Something is missing… 

“Oh,” I begin ruffling through my bag, “here,” I pull a blanket from my bag and place it over Joel’s body. The blanket is worn out but it’s more for the comfort of having than it is for warmth. A soft, barely audible ‘thank you’ escapes Joel.

With the man's eyes closed I selfishly stare, taking in his face. Theres more lines than there were before which I expect after 20 years but they’re not where I want them to be. Instead of crow's feet from a smile reaching his eyes he has wrinkles between his brows from having them furrowed too often.  In place of smile lines, he has frown lines, lines that tell a story of a resilient man living a hard life. Even with his eyes closed he still holds the face of a hardened man. His hair and facial hair are peppered with grey and even in a world s dirty as this I can’t help but run my hands through it. At first, Joel tenses, a reflex nearly everyone has developed to stay alive. But when his mind reminds him it is the hand of the person whose lap he rests his head in, he relaxes. Joel not only relaxes to post-outbreak Joel but, after a few moments, to pre-outbreak Joel. All the lines and wrinkles in his face soften, he doesn’t look young like you often hear, but he looks calmer. In my lap is a man whose gone through hell and back and is finally letting a couple walls down after decades of hardship, he almost looks relieved.  His hair tells me the same thing as his face, caked with dirt and oil and tangled from years of neglect and unrelenting weather, he’s a man who’s been stretched far too thin. I continue running my fingers through his hair during the hours that he sleeps no matter how ‘gross’ it is because the truth is, my fingers are just as covered with the survival of this world. In this musty truck with our unwashed bodies and difficult pasts, things almost feel normal, the birds sing and rise with the sun and I can almost imagine we’re on Joel’s old tattered couch, having stayed up late to watch a movie only to have one of us pass out before the climax. 

Unfortunately, the man only sleeps a handful of hours, it’s not even mid-day when he wakes. Although it’s probably the longest he’s slept in a while and the first time he’s woken up peacefully, not in a panic or with an impending task looming over his head. Joel is pulled from his slumber not because he’s well rested but because our minds are never completely at rest, we don’t have time to be so vulnerable for so long. His eyes, still filled with sleep, look for mine immediately, like he knows rationally I’m still here because his head is still in a warm lap but he’s scared that it’s an illusion and he’ll break that illusion when he opens his eyes and doesn’t find mine. When the illusion doesn’t disappear, I speak up, “Morning, southern sunshine.”

“Southern sunshine?”

“Yeah, 'cause you’re from Texas and… you always brighten my day,” I shrug. An amused scoff escapes him while he sits up, blocking me from seeing his face.

“You, my dear, are too sweet for me.”

“Why? Can’t handle it?” I tease.

“Don’t deserve it,” his voice is a little lower with those words, they’re filled with doubt.

“Well, that’s ain’t true. You deserved it then and you deserve it now more than ever. I might not know the horrors that haunt your past in between then and now, but… I know Joel Miller and he’s more deserving of someone's unyielding love and affection more than anyone I’ve ever known.”

He looks over his shoulder at me, face heavy with a mix of disbelief and self-hatred: a look he shouldn’t hold. My brows crease with worry and sadness, I slowly place my hand on his cheek like he’s a scared animal that might run if I move too fast. Instead, he leans into it for a moment before taking my wrist in his hand and pulling my palm to his lips where he kisses me. Still holding my hand between the two of us he gives me a small smile. Not a happy or grateful smile but a doleful one, one that says ‘this can’t continue, we have to keep going, there’s no time for us’. So, silently that's what we do, we get back on the road and continue West.

The remaining drive is relatively quiet, a mix of comfortable and awkward silence, like sometimes we don’t what to do with ourselves regarding the idea or possibility of us. Then it dawns on me, after years of not knowing I’ll (hopefully) get to see Tommy. I’m not sure if I sigh or mumble or if there’s just a shift in the air but Joel turns to me, then back at the road and back at me pensively. 

“What’s wrong?”

I take s deep breath, “I’ll get to see Tommy,” my voice is soft like if I say it too decisively I’d jinx it. Joel hums in response.

Holy fucking shit. The outbreak took nearly everything from everyone, but two of my loved ones were still alive and I’m about to be reunited with both of them. People I love unconditionally, that I spent days with together, people I lost for years and grieved, are alive and returning to my life. I’m overwhelmed with conflicting emotions, I’m ecstatic to see them again, I’ve been given a second life with them, and I love them and want them back in my life. My heart is filled with happiness and loves but my chest is heavy with fear. I’m scared, scared of how our relationship has changed, scared of how different the past has changed us, scared to lose them again. My body is hot like it’s overworked with the flood of emotions, and they’re just boiling to the surface. Slow tears reluctantly sting my face.

“Hey hey hey hey hey, what’s going on?” Joel asks confused.

I snap my head towards him with fearful eyes, like a deer looking at the driver that’s about to hit them, “I’m not ready!”

“What do you mean ‘you’re not ready’?”

That question opens the floodgate to the storm that is in my mind.

“I’ve been alone for years. Years! I’m completely independent, I don’t need anyone and I tricked myself into believing that I don’t want anyone.  And-and-and we’ve all changed, we’ve all done things we thought impossible for us before, and we’ve all done things that haunt us. What if- what if that’s changed us so much that the person I know from before is dead and someone new is occupying the body I’m familiar with? I want things to be how they were but they’re not going to be and I don’t know what that means. And we’ve lived different lives now that-…”

“Do you hate me?”

Joel interrupts and shocks me, “wha- no, why on earth would you think that?!”

“Well, you seem so worried that things will be so different we won’t be able to be a family like we once were. Yet, here are the two of us…” 

Closer than ever.

He doesn’t finish the sentence like he’s unsure of the right words to use. Neither of us explicitly acknowledging what’s between us.

“Things are different. They have to be. We’ve all lost so much, including pieces of our old selves, but, I know that I still love you… and Tommy… but don’t tell him I told you that.”

I laugh at Joel’s brotherly love but my mind raves with how he stopped with me, like adding Tommy was an afterthought.

I didn't realize Joel rested his warm hand on my thigh until he gives it a squeeze, I don’t know how long it’s been there but I welcome the comfort as it calms the sea within me.

“Right…” I take hold of his hand kissing it as I did before and keeping it in my grasp. There are a few moments of silence as Joel allows me to calm down.

“Tommy’s gonna lose his damn mind when he sees you.”

The two of us can’t help but laugh not so much at Joel's comment but at the rarity of it all, what are the odds we would find each other again.

We drive over a small hill, revealing a fenced civilization in the lowland.

“Hooollly shit…” I breathe, “it’s a whole city…”

“Sure is. Guess he didn’t do too bad.”

I let out an incredulous laugh, “they have electricity?”

“Yup.”

“Hot water?” “Mhmm.”

I fall silent in disbelief and overwhelming joy, “I haven’t had a proper shower in… years.” “I can tell,” Joel jokes.

I shove his arm, “watch it southern sunshine, you’re pretty ripe too.”

Joel chuckles. 

At the gates we’re asked who we are, Joel explains but they’re still skeptical. 

“Just get Tommy,” Joel says.

“Tommy’s busy.”

Joel scoffs, and mumbles a ‘busy my ass’ to himself. 

“Alright then get Maria, she’ll have questions anyway.”

“I don-”

“Boy, do you want me to have to explain to her how you refused to get her and made a big fuss outta something that should’ve been finished already?” The man behind the gate disappears, likely to get this Maria.

“Who’s Mari-”

I’m cut off by a woman shouting in a calm yet authoritative voice, “LET HIM IN!” 

When my eyes land on the woman I see she's waving us in motioning for the others to open the gates. As we wait for the gate to open, I nod towards the woman, “Maria?”

“Yup.”

“I like her.”

Again Joel chuckles, “You ain’t even met her yet.” “True but I like her, I can feel it.”

“Well, you ain’t wrong. You’ll definitely get on with her,” I smile at Joel’s words while he pauses, “which is what I’m worried about,” he finishes. 

Maria gives us a quick motion telling Joel where to park, when the truck's engine stops filling my ears I realize how nervous I am again. Joel grabs my hand, giving it a squeeze, “C’mon don’t you want that shower? You certainly need it.”

He hopes out of the truck before I can berate him. I make my way around the vehicle next to Joel.

“Been a while,” Maria opens. 

“Yeah, I know. Trying to stay alive seems to take up most of my time,” he shrugs. 

“And you?” she asks me. 

“Oh-”

“This-,” Joel attempts to answer but Maria stops him, “I didn’t ask you.”

Joel stops and almost visibly cowers, his head downcast like a kid in trouble. 

When my name leaves my lips a look of shock passes over Maria’s face.

“Well I’ll be damned, Tommy might just shit himself.” Joel and I chuckle but mine’s more in confusion. “Y-you know of me?” “Pfft, course I do. You kept these two idiots alive before shit hit the fan.”

At that, I let out a genuine chuckle. 

“Tommy’s on patrol so let me get yall settled til then.” She begins walking and we follow.

We were welcomed so fast it goes against everything I’ve come to learn in the last few years. I lean towards Joel whispering, “are they not going to check if we’re infected?” “Generally? Yes, they would. But given that it's me and you? They trust us. Plus last I checked we haven’t been bitten, so what’re you worryin’ for?”

At that, I shrug, it's just instinct to be weary of everyone all the time. 

Maria brings us to a house, not a completely run-down house, not a building that will suffice as a shelter for a short period, but an uninhabited home.  

“Get cleaned up and by then Tommy should be back. Meet at ours for 3?” Maria asks, although I get the sense she’s not really asking. 

Joel nods. 

“There are some clothes in the hallway closet, have at em’ wouldn’t make sense for yall to shower and get back into dirty clothes. “

“Thank you, Maria,” I cut in. 

“Of course. Can’t wait to see Tommy’s face,” and with that, she turns off the porch and leaves us. 

Joel closes the door and begins dropping his things, “go on and shower, just don’t use all the hot water, yeah?”

‘First of all, if I’m getting into a running shower with hot water… not only am I using it all but I might just cause a drought. Second, why don’t you join me?” All confidence I had prior to making the offer is gone and I’m left wondering why the hell I opened my big mouth like that. Joel clears his throat, “I- uh-”

“I didn’t mean- just like- the water is warm and then no one has to fight and water conservation and all that and I-”

I’m too busy babbling to realize that Joel is watching me with an amused smirk before letting out a chuckle that brings me back to earth. 

“I know what you meant darlin’, I was gonna say I’d like that.”

“Oh…”

“C’mon we’ve got some warm water and real soap calling our names,” he says while leading the way.

I’m surprised he said yes. I mean throughout our journey here we’ve shared some affectionate moments, even before the outbreak we did. But the Joel I knew then was pretty closed off and pales in comparison to the Joel I met a few months ago. We beat around the bush, never explicitly mentioning what we’re doing or what we may be. I know with his divorce, the loss of Sarah and just who Joel is that he doesn’t come by commitment and intimacy easily. The outbreak has changed us all and for Joel that meant protecting his heart a little more than before in fear of how the world may strip him of what he loves again. So… I don’t push him, I love him however he’ll let me and accept whatever he’s willing to give me because I know the Joel inside his rugged exterior and he’s worth waiting for. I let him lead us upstairs to the bathroom, the calmness and security of the house brings back a domestic Joel that I’ve missed. Joel starts the shower before leaning over me, “Why don’t you get a head start and I’ll go get us some clothes,” then he leans in and kisses my cheek and all I can do is nod in adoration. 

While Joel leaves to get us the clothes, I strip off my grimy ones and get into the stream of hot water. I groan escapes my lips as the hot water cascades down my body, already cleaning better than the attempts I’ve made over the years. My muscles yearn for the relaxation and healing that comes with its warmth. The cleanliness of the water makes me aware of how dirty I am and feel. I reach for the bar of soap, lifting it to my nose and smelling the notes of lemon and mint, someone here has worked hard to make these bars. I begin to lather my body in the velvety luxury, the steam of the shower accentuating the soap's scent. I’m so caught up in myself I don’t realize Joel’s returned until he’s joining me in the shower. He presses himself against my back and wraps his arms around my waist. We close our eyes savouring the moment that almost replicates something that could have been before the outbreak. I turn us around so Joel can be in the stream of water. While facing me with his hands on my waist, I take some shampoo in my hands and begin emulsifying it in his hair. I massage his scalp for a while, lifting the stubborn dirt while relaxing him, using my nails I give him some light scratches, refreshing the follicles and gifting the nerves a tingling sensation. A few groans escape him when I reach particular points but this moment is nothing but pure. I drop my hands from his head, keeping them on his shoulders. When Joel tilts his head back into the stream of water I return my hands to the base of his scalp slowly massaging the soapy water from it. Throughout this, his eyes remain closed in blissful indulgence. 

When his hair is clean, he turns us around and washes my hair. My arms remain wrapped around his shoulders while his hands make careful movements, his face softens and his eyes remain lovingly trained on my hair. He spends some extra time lathering, just playing with my soaped-up hair. When I tilt my head into the stream of water he kisses my forehead, I open my eyes to find his looking into mine tenderly. We freeze for a moment, both scared to make the next move. 

“Tell me I can kiss you,” I whisper.

A corner of his lips quirk upwards, “Anytime darlin’,” he says while leaning in and joining our lips together. The kiss isn’t lewd or filled with sexual tension but filled with fearful love. Love that can appear so quiet but wreaks havoc inside the individual, a cyclone of fear that your love may leave, move on or end up entangled in a worse fate. Love that hurts the beholder with its overwhelming size, that one may bust at the seams at any moment because their body just can’t contain it. We spend time so wrapped up in each other, so much said without a word being spoken, that the water begins to lose its warmth. 

“Go get dressed, I’ll finish up and join you,” Joel utters in a hushed tone. 

I nod and peck his lips once more before reluctantly leaving him. 

In the bedroom, I find warm clothes: sweatpants that aren’t tattered, they still have the soft fluffy cotton on the inside; a large t-shirt that doesn’t have more than the necessary 4 holes; and a woolly cardigan that isn’t holding so much moisture that it’s its own breeding ground for mould and bacteria. 

When Joel comes out and dresses, it’s time for us to make our way to Maria and Tommy’s. I’m still nervous, my stomach is twisted in excitement and anxiety. When we arrive on the porch I suddenly feel uplifted. “Wait! You open the door and I’ll stay hidden before revealing myself, don’t tell him anything!”

Joel chuckles, “you really do wanna give the man a heart attack.”

I press myself against the house behind the screen door, Joel knocks and inside we hear his muddled voice, “Who the hell is that?”

Maria doesn’t say anything or if she does we don’t hear it. Then the door opens and a heavy silence drops before Tommy speaks, “Son of a bitch, who let this old fuck in!”

The brothers embrace one another and then I make my way around the door, “If you’re that shocked to see him wait till you realize that I’m here too.”

Tommy's eyes widen, for a split second I think they’ll pop. He, in brotherly fashion, quickly removes himself from Joel and pushes him aside. 

“This ain’t real,” he says while standing in front of me.

“I can hit you if you’d like, if not to convince you then for old time's sake?”

“Oh my god,” Tommy says while laughing in disbelief. He tightly wraps his arms around me, when he lets go his hands remain gripping my shoulders looking at me like he had to double-check if things were true. 

“Holy shit…”

I laugh and see Maria leaning in the doorway with a smile on her lips, I return the gesture. 

“Well… aren’t you going to let us in or keep us out here on the porch like some stays?” I tease. 

The evening passes fast, turns out we had a lot of catching up to fit in in the few hours that was dinner. Everyone has a smile on their face and exited disbelief in their eyes. When dinner is finished I get up to help Maria, which she attempts to decline. “Maria, c’mon? You welcomed us, gave me some of the best clothes I’ve worn in years along with a hot shower and filled our stomachs with delicious food. I wasn’t asking.”

My authoritativeness seems to impress and please her as she just gives me a smile and walks into the kitchen. 

“We’ll let the boys catch up on whatever it is those two get up to,” Maria yells from the kitchen.

I laugh and join her, “You heard the woman, go on, get!”

The Miller brothers leave to sit outside on the porch while Maria and I fall into easy conversation about ourselves and how we found ourselves in the Miller's lives. 

“So how long have you and Joel been together?” “Oh- it’s not- we’re not-”

Maria laughs as I stumble to find the right words, “Okay so Mr. Scared of commitment hasn’t officially labelled it. But, you’re together. So, how long?”

“Oh…uh… I don’t know, we were reunited a few months ago but-”

Maria chuckles, “Oh my dear, you really are blind aren’t you?” “What?”

“I don’t mean when you reunited or when did you guys start being more affectionate or anything like that. I mean, how long have the two of you been in love?” I’m dumbfounded, what does she know that I don’t?

“That man has been in love with you forever. Now I’m not basing this off the fact that he looks at you like he’s afraid to let you go even for a second or the fact that his entire demeanour lightens when he looks at you. Even Tommy knows, he watched you two lovebirds beat around the bush for years I think you referred to you two as ‘a couple of love-sick puppies’. You’ve been in love before the outbreak, yes?” “Yes,” I shyly admit. 

“And Joel has loved you for just as long if not longer. You may not see it but it’s true and in this world, we don’t have time to deny ourselves of any love we may have a chance at. Don’t let him believe he can go about this world as a lone wolf forever.”

~~~ JOEL’S POV ~~~ 

The sun is setting, taking its warmth with it. Tommy and I sit in silence, not because there’s nothing to say but because we’ve got so much to say and don’t know where to start. Both of us sipping our respective drinks. “Can’t believe they’re alive… or that we’ve all been reunited,” Tommy says.

“You and me both.”

“You better not blow this again,” Tommy said while taking a sip from his glass.

“What d’ya mean?”

Tommy scoffs, “You might be my older brother but you really are an idiot. Don’t let them get away again, we don’t normally get second chances in this life. You’ve been handed a second chance on a fucking silver platter. I love you but if you fuck this up?” Tommy finishes with a scoff. 

There’s a heavy silence for a few moments before Tommy presses on.

“You love them.”

“Is that supposed to be a question?” “No, you do love them. I ain’t asking. I want you to accept it and, for the love of god, admit it.”

“ I don’t kn-” “Oh cut the shit, Joel. You’ve been in love for years, before this damn virus. I watched the two of you act like a damn couple but then have these moments of… weird, awkwardness as if you’ve just realized what you’ve done and are like ‘oh yeah we’re not actually together better backtrack a bit’. I mean for fucks sake just admit it, tell them, be together.”

I sigh. I know I love them and that I’m in love with them, but admitting it opens me to the possibility of losing them and I’ve lost too many to want to open myself to that hurt again. But he’s right, I’ve been given another chance. The apocalypse separated us and has nearly liked us dozens of times but then we were accidentally reunited. I’ve spent months with them, sharing close proximity and moments of loving affection. How can I be so stupid, in closing myself off I nearly lost them while trying to avoid just that. 

“Fuck…” I murmur.

“Go on, go get them.”

I quickly get up, entering the house with urgency. 

~~~ YOUR POV ~~~    

The front door opens with a sense of urgency. Maria and I turn towards the sound and heavy boots bring Joel in. 

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Can I uh, steal them?” Joel asks Maria.

She smiles and pops a hip out, leaning against the counter, “it’s about time,” Maria nods me towards him.

I join him and while we’re leaving out the front door Tommy enters the house, giving his brother a pat on the shoulder. Joel has a nervous air around him and he grabs my arm and urgently takes me onto the porch. When the door closes I speak out.

“Joel what the hell are you-”

I stopped when Joel grabs my face in his hands and kisses me. This kiss is urgent, filled with a passion of gratitude and unease. When we release Joel doesn’t pull away far.

“Joel what-”

“I need you to know something,” he interrupts quickly, he takes a breath and continues in a slower calmer manner, “I’ve spent so much time with you, shared so many memories with you, and you might not be my love but honestly? I doubt it. I love you. I’ve always loved you, you’re my family and I’m no longer going to push you away in fear of losing you because I’ll lose you by doing that. I’d rather fear losing you, having loved you rather than losing you anyways and wondering what could have been.”

“Oh Joel,” I say with a soft sigh, “You think I would have agreed to get in the damn pick-up with you with nothing but what was on us and some dumb luck if I didn’t love you?”

Joel smiles, “Hey, do you want to explore the west with me?” he ends by motioning between us and with a teasing tone.

“I’ve spent a lot of time without love and a lot of time with you, and there’s nothing I’d like more than to explore the two together.”

We share a small kiss, “it only took an apocalypse for us to get together,” I laugh.

“That might be true but I’m happy we got here.”

“Me too… We don’t actually have to go West, right? Like that was a metaphor,”

Joel laughs at me, “Yeah baby, I mean I’m happy as long as we’re together but if you don’t want to stay-”

“No, no. I want to stay. We’re staying.” “Good.”

We watch the last bit of the sunset in each other's arms. We don’t know what tomorrow holds but we’ll figure that out and we’ll do it together. 

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[lewmagoo]

Do you mind sharing your weight loss tips? I’ve been struggling to try to lose weight

i am no expert whatsoever but what’s working for me personally is walking/jogging everyday, getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night if i can, eating smaller portions, upping my protein intake so i’m more satiated after meals (i try to eat at least 100g of protein a day, or 30+ grams a meal), and eating less sugar (meaning foods with added/processed sugar). i still have sugar when i want but i don’t go overboard like i used to.

i go for a three mile walk everyday if i can, which takes me about 50 minutes to an hour depending on how fast i’m walking. i’ve also been running periodically during my walks. nothing too intense, just a jog but it gets my heart rate up. if i don’t have time for 3 miles i just do 1 mile. as long as i get my body moving for at least 30 minutes a day i’m good. if you can’t go for walks outside and don’t have access to a treadmill i recommend growwithjo’s walking workouts, she has lots of fun indoor stuff you can do (and you don’t need any equipment either). her workouts have been the only ones i’ve actually enjoyed doing.

i also have an apple watch which helps me track my steps and workouts and that’s been huge for me, it motivates me to close my move ring every single day. any kind of fitness tracker will do. you can just use your phone to track your steps as well. i try to hit 10k steps a day.

the best thing for me was starting out slow. i told myself i would walk 30 minutes everyday for 20 days. when i proved to myself i could do that i then decided to add 30 more minutes to that and take an hour walk everyday. as far as food/drink consumption, i told myself that i would stop going out for coffee so much. now i only go once a week, if that. then i told myself i could eat the foods i wanted, just smaller portions, and i had to supplement more protein. little changes like that have been super helpful for me. i didn’t start all at once, i’ve been doing things gradually and it’s really been helpful. usually i just get overwhelmed every time i try to take control of my health but now i feel like i’m getting the hang of it little by little.

most importantly, be patient with yourself and your body. you might not see any results for a while but don’t give up. i tell myself even if i don’t lose weight, i’m still moving my body every day and that’s what’s most important.

[babycherrycola]

I’m finally in the 70s!!!

I should’ve posted an update sooner, but life got in the way.

I’ve started doing a plan that’s been working absolute wonders for me, so I’m gonna share it with you :)

Firstly I’ll start by explaining what I used to struggle with. I used to really struggle with eating small portions. I’m a volume eater and I like having hearty meals, not just stuffing myself with low cal vegetables. I was never satisfied with portion control and calorie counting was just way too exhausting.

My second issue laid in the fact that I was never home for lunch or dinner and I ate out a lot as a result. I tried taking lunches to uni, but they all got soggy and gross by the time I wanted to actually eat them so I hated doing it. Even if I ate that lunch, I’d still feel unsatisfied and crave sugary snacks.

I also had a non-diet related problem regarding my schedule which was that I never had the time or energy to study outside of lectures. I was always rushing to get out the door in the morning and the near 4 hour total daily commute to school drained all the energy I had by the end of the day. Plus I got home at around 7-8 if I was lucky.

My new diet and schedule fixed all of those issues.

1. I started going to sleep at around 9-11 pm and waking up at 5-7 am depending on the day. This gave me plenty of time to get in my 7-8 hours and also have time to study in the morning BEFORE school. I’m definitely a morning person now that I’ve gotten into a comfortable rhythm.

2. I only eat one meal per day. I KNOW HOW THAT SOUNDS, but hear me out. I don’t restrict myself and I eat a lot of food in that one meal. I fill a big plate like so: 40% vegetables, 40% hearty high protein meal like curry or stroganoff (that I love) and 20% bread/ crackers / carbs. At the end of the meal I feel fully satisfied and energized.

3. I drink a LOT of water, tea and coffee throughout the day. I was never a tea or coffee person and I never remembered to drink water, but mow that I get hungry at around 3-4 pm and my stomach starts craving something warm, I drink a ridiculous amount of liquids. It’s really made a difference in my metabolism and I’m actually starting to like tea.

4. Don’t just sit around all day. Get a little bit of movement in. I don’t have the energy to work out on days when I know I have to study a lot, but I am planning on scheduling 2 gym days per week on days when my schedule is light. My campus is big so I do a lot of walking anyway.

5. Track your progress. I know it’s not recommended that you weigh yourself every day, but weighing myself keeps me motivated and in tune with my body on a daily basis. I have a hard time actually knowing what I look like and how big I am so having a number confirm my progress is reassuring.

6. I don’t do this every day. I eat one meal per day six days a week, but on Mondays I know it’s not realistic for me to only have one meal because my schedule is so hectic. I’m realistic about what I can handle, so if I know that a practically 24 hour fast on top of a busy day will make me cranky and fatigued, I don’t do it. Set realistic expectations for yourself and accept the consequences of them.

7. Last but not least, Have a solid reason for why you’re doing this. For me, I have multiple reasons. Number one is to prove to myself that after letting myself down so many times and quitting on so many weight loss journeys, I can actually do it. I’m doing this to teach myself discipline. I’m doing this for my health, since I am insulin resistant and fasting helps make you more insulin sensitive. I’m also doing this to feel prettier and fit into the clothes I want to wear. Keep in mind that the pain of hard work is better than the pain of disappointment. It’s a myth that a magic product or procedure will make you lose weight painlessly, weight loss is not easy for a human body and it will take resilience to lose it and keep it off. But it will be worth it if you’re doing it for the right reasons.

Let me know if you guys want to see what I eat for my one meal a day!!!

[sneakers-and-shakes]

Reconnecting With Yourself

I’ve been feeling pretty disconnected from myself lately and haven’t been loving myself to the best of my ability. This inner separation ended up making my anxiety worse and the small things I could normally brush off were getting to me a lot more.

So I set off on a self-love mission. Much like a glow-up week, I’ve been trying to focus my actions on self-care in many different ways. The goal is to relieve my anxiety and reconnect with myself. So today I decided to share my journey and what has helped me!

My body:

Before I could even begin to sort out my life or emotions I really needed to take care of my body. And by that I mean 10 hours of sleep and eating full meals. 

Getting proper rest especially was an essential step for me, I physically felt better which allowed me the brainpower to focus on my emotions.

External Stressors:

There are many different ways to help de-stress and relieve anxiety, especially for things out of our control. Personally, going to the beach helps me put things into perspective. It visually shows me the vastness of the world and how little these problems matter when put in the context of the seemingly never-ending water.

It’s easier to let the waves wash the stress away, so I made the most of this last bit of summer and had a proper beach day in the water.

I think the main takeaway is, even if it’s not the beach, to be outside in nature. You could go on a walk through a forest trail or a run through your neighborhood. Whatever way you can be outside, even if it’s sitting on a bench in a park.

Being in nature helps ease your mind from human-made problems and can help shed some perspective on them when you’re amongst the part of the world that is not affected by your stressors.

Internal Reflection:

Once the external stuff isn’t bugging you as much, you’re left with yourself and that’s where self-love can get deep. 

Usually, it helps to talk things out with someone if you’re having problems, either with them or in general. Journaling is simply a conversation with yourself.

I came up with a Self-Love Countdown, which are 5 questions to start the conversation with yourself about loving and accepting who you are.

The prompts are:

5 Things that bring you joy

4 Accomplishments

3 Parts of your physical appearance that you like

2 Favorite personality traits

1 Thing you love about yourself

This is by no means a comprehensive list and you can find a lot more self-love/self-reflection journal prompts out there but this was a good jumping off point for me.

I also think it’s important to remind yourself just how far you’ve come. I did this by going down memory lane and listing out all the things I had hoped to one day do and then listing all the things that I have done. It reminded me of just how much I’ve accomplished and how much growth I’ve made (especially when comparing how I was back in high school).

You need to give yourself credit for your growth, even if you feel like you’re stepping backwards, growth is not something that can be taken away from you. Always remember that.

A Date With Yourself:

An important part of self-love and reconnecting with yourself is being able to spend time with yourself. Take yourself out on a date and romanticize your life.

And while you’re out, do things that make you happy. Maybe reconnect with a hobby you haven’t done in a while, or go somewhere you like but haven’t been to recently. The goal is to generate joy when you're with just you.

I went to a cafe and sat by the window and wrote for a while. It was peaceful and aesthetic and it felt good to focus on writing since it made me feel extra productive.

You can even journal on your date with yourself as a way to have a conversation. (The way you would if you were on a date with another person.)

Physical Appearance:

It also helps to dress up nicely and feel good about how you look since that will reflect internally as well. Wear clothes that make you feel your best and this might. 

This also may be a good time to do a face mask, get a haircut, do your nails or the other hygiene related things we do not just to take care of ourselves but also to feel good.

Of course you can work out, but only if that’s something you enjoy doing. Throughout this process you have to handle yourself with grace and care and specifically focus on doing the things that bring you joy and happiness.

I ended up getting highlights again after a while of not having them and made an effort to wear the dresses I felt prettiest in.

Physical Space:

As a really organized person my physical space also made a difference. I went through and did a deep clean of my room which made me feel a lot better as well. Having your immediate spaces be clean and put together helps your mind to feel more put together too.

-.-

With all of these things working together, I feel like I’m at a much better place now than I was before. I feel more reconnected with myself and better suited to handle the problems that might come my way.

Remember that this isn’t as straightforward of a process as the way I outlined it. I did these all in different orders over the course of multiple days spanning a week and a half (and not without stumbling blocks either). As long as you’re trying to do these things with intention, you can slowly work your way up.

I hope this helps in your reconnecting with yourself journey, I’d love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment!

Thanks for reading!

[bunbeeplays]

The Lemon Legacy: Generation 1, Chapter 36 - Just Go With It

It’s the first day of fall. A season all about change.

Well, a big change happened at Ophelia’s house last night.

Ophelia makes a full fry up and some coffee for them both. They definitely worked up an appetite last night, and it gives her something to do other than panic. She can’t believe she woohooed Xander of all people! Sleeping with a friend, who’s also a coworker? What got into her?

The smell of breakfast must wake him up, as Xander comes downstairs and joins Ophelia. Ophelia: Hey. Xander: Hey. Thanks for the meal. You doing okay? Ophelia: Yeah. I’m just… embarrassed, I guess. Xander: Don’t be, that mole on your butt is really cute.

Ophelia: I’ve never done anything like that before.

Xander: You’ve never woohooed before?

Ophelia: I have, but never so… casually. I don’t know what came over me.

Xander: Yeah. That was a first for me too.

Ophelia: Have YOU never woohooed before?

Xander: No, I have. That was my first time with a woman. I’ve only ever slept with one man.

Ophelia: Oh. Well that was my first time with a man, and my second time ever. First time in a bed, though. Don't ask.

Xander: I’m pansexual too, by the way.

Ophelia: I gathered. If you were gay, you did a pretty bad job at being gay last night.

Xander: Did I do a pretty good job at being pan?

Ophelia: If this is your way of getting me to praise your woohoo techniques… then yes, you did.

Xander: We’re good, right?

Ophelia: Yeah, of course. We weren’t juiced or anything. We both consented. I don’t know, a lot of wild stuff happened the past few days, I guess our emotions got the best of us.

Xander: A little stress relief never hurt anybody.

Ophelia: I don’t want things to be weird between us. I’m still trying to get back to a normal place with Libby.

Xander: Hey, it doesn’t have to be weird. We had a fun night. It doesn’t seem like either of us want a relationship right now, so it doesn’t have to become one.

Xander: Buuuut… Last night was pretty good, huh?

Ophelia: Yes, it was great, how many times do you want me to compliment your woohoo technique?

Xander: I’m just saying… maybe we could keep doing that part?

Ophelia: Xander Pappas, are you asking to be woohoo partners? You horndog!

Xander: Hey, I just told you I’ve only ever been with one person! That’s something Drew and Moses don’t even know. And you’re not exactly saying no over there, lady!

Xander: I’m not into casual woohoo with strangers, and you don’t strike me as the type either. We get along well, socially and, uh, physically. This way, we don’t have to worry about romance or dating but we still get some of the… benefits.

Ophelia: I don’t know. Woohoo partners always end with someone getting hurt.

Xander: So we won't hurt each other. If things go south, we'll communicate with each other and resolve whatever comes up.

Ophelia: We’d need to set some ground rules.

Xander: So is that a yes? Or do I have to do the face again?

Ophelia: Ugh, you’re lucky you’re so sweet. And good in bed.

The two start to work on some ground rules as they eat. They both agree they want it to be a secret. Nobody needs to know, that'd just muddy the waters.

Speaking of people not knowing something, Xander never told his family he wasn’t coming home… whoops.

He does damage control with his parents and Hilary, who also apparently stayed with their parents last night.

What has Ophelia gotten herself into?

[ciaossu-imagines]

Hey! The prompts you have provided have made it easy for me to request something. So, if i’m going to choose, can you do Prompt No. 1 with Miura Haru?

Yay! I’m so glad the prompts proved useful to people and I can definitely do this for you! Thanks so much for the request and I hope you enjoy, anon dear!

What’s their go-to fifteen minute meal?

Haru actually really does value eating well and staying pretty healthy and she doesn’t usually just end up going the grab and go route with food. If she was really hungry and was running short on time to make something, I think she’d end up replacing a meal with cake from a bakery or grabbing a gas-station bento, which I see as her other guilty pleasure.

How would they describe their perfect vacation?

Romantic. Haru is all about the romance and the atmosphere while travelling and I think Paris, as the so-called ‘city of love’ would appeal to her, though she’d really love the idea of a beach vacation and walking along the sand at sunset with someone special.

What’s the most read book on their bookshelf?

I think a lot of Haru’s reading is done for school and she keeps all her old textbooks to reread. However, I also think she has a lot of poetry books, particularly romantic haikus, and she has at least one or two books on astrology and blood type personalities, things along those lines.

If they had to describe themselves as a type of shoe, which type would they choose? Why?

I think, as a shoe, Haru would best be described as a colourfully printed or patterned sneaker, something fun and whimsical but comfortable and practical.

What song would they choose as their theme song?

I don’t know why but I’ve always kind of associated Ash Koley’s Apple of My Eye with Haru, so it’s the one I’m going to have to go with.

What’s the oldest item in their refrigerator?

Haru’s a pretty neat person. It comes from her mother, who kept their house clean and neat and organized, so I do see her as someone who cleans out their fridge of expired or nearing expiration date products at least once a month. The oldest product is probably a bottle of soy sauce, though it’s still well within it’s expiration cycle.

Do they have an emergency treat (ice cream, cookies, candy, etc.) hidden somewhere in their kitchen for bad days? What is it?

Because she does her best to stay healthy and watch her weight, Haru doesn’t keep treats in the house. She knows that she has a huge sweet tooth, and very little willpower and self-control when it comes to not indulging in treats. If she has them in the house, she’ll sit down and eat them, so she doesn’t keep emergency treats in the house, though she will occasionally stop and buy a piece of cake or some sort of sweet pastry if her day’s been really rough.

What’s their weirdest bedtime ritual?

While not exactly weird, Haru does keep a diary and she can’t go to bed until she writes in it. Her mind just won’t settle down to sleep until she’s written out all of her thoughts into the diary.

Who/what is the one thing that can make them smile no matter how terrible their day has been?

Tsuna can definitely make her do that, but so can all her other friends, like Kyoko or Lambo and I-Pin. Tsuna, though, is the one she really focuses on to get through really bad days. If she gets through this or that hard thing, she’s sure Tsuna would be really proud of her and she uses that as motivation.

Where do they go when they need some time alone?

I think Haru’s room has really always been her sanctuary. Her parents let her decorate it exactly how she wanted, it has all her favourite things and when she just needs to detach from the world, she’ll shut off her phone and hide behind her closed bedroom door and pretend the outside world doesn’t exist.

What’s one conspiracy theory that they secretly agree with?

Haru, for as spacey and as weird as she can be, doesn’t buy into a lot of conspiracy theories. Her father is a very practical man, who always taught her to not blindly trust in anything that couldn’t be proven…that being said, she does buy into any theories related to secret societies though, as she finds the very thought romantic and dangerous and thrilling.

Who’s the person they most want to tell when they hear a funny joke?

She always tells Tsuna or Lambo the funny jokes she discovers first. Tsuna doesn’t always laugh, which bums her out sometimes (though she just challenges herself to find a funnier joke), but Lambo always laughs at her jokes and it makes her feel really funny and cool and happy.

What’s the first section of the newspaper (or online news source) that they check each day?

She checks her horoscope first and then that of all her friends. She’ll send them little texts telling them what her horoscope site of choice says that their days will contain before flipping to the fashion section or advice columns.

Who would they call to bail them out of jail? Bonus points if you describe why they were arrested!

She would either call Tsuna or Bianchi, depending on how embarrassing whatever got her tossed into jail was. She doesn’t want to embarrass herself in front of Tsuna too much, so anything really major or really bad would definitely warrant an immediate call to Bianchi, who Haru really does admire and trust.

What’s the one scent that most reminds them of home?

It’s cherry blossoms. She has so many great memories, right from the time she was really young and went to watch them with her parents, throughout all her life, of watching the cherry blossoms with others and creating precious moments with people she cared about or loved during that part of her life.

What do they consider their greatest achievement?

Honestly, I don’t see Haru as considering herself as someone who has reached their greatest achievement. I do see her as a very hard-working girl, with big dreams, and pretty solid goals that she’s always working to achieve, but I do think she’s not at the point where she feels she’s achieved any of them yet.

How much time do they spend on the internet each day?

Haru doesn’t use the internet a lot. She texts to talk to people and prefers paper-based books for research whenever possible. Sure, she might fiddle around on the internet here or there, but I don’t see it as being more than an hour a day, when averaged out when the week is done.

What’s their go-to procrastination activity?

Haru daydreams. She’s very creative and imaginative, and she can easily get swept away in wild stories she makes up or drawn into plans for new costumes or outfits or games and she definitely does use those fantasies to space out and procrastinate.

If someone were to make a movie of their life, who would they want to play them?

I’m sorry for cheating here, but I really do think Seira Nagashima was such a great choice for Haru in the stage play, and that’s who I’m going to go with.

Is there a number in their phone that they should definitely delete but just can’t seem to erase?

Haru used to have a best friend growing up, right from preschool to late elementary school. However, the two girls had a huge fight and stopped talking to each other in late elementary school…but Haru still can’t bring herself to delete the girl’s number and puts it into every new phone she gets, just as a force of habit.

[elaine-abroad]

Volume 1: The Arrival

The Flight

If you’re reading this, you probably already know me and my situation. I’m Elaine and I’m studying abroad in Seoul, South Korea for the next four weeks. It’s strange to think that a whole study abroad trip can even fit into one month, but regardless I’m excited to see what Seoul has for me.

This past week before takeoff felt too short as I continuously told my mom that I wanted more time to mentally prepare for the journey. I also procrastinated on packing a little bit in favor of one last hoorah with my closest friends. I know that I’m acting like I’ll be gone a long time, but a month in a country I’ve never been to IS a long time to me.

I was full of nerves the morning of – I woke up earlier than I had to and didn’t speak on the car ride to the airport. I’ve been on plane trips many times before, but I always get anxious and have to run through the steps. This time was a little more stressful because it was my first time flying internationally alone. I made it on with plenty of time to spare so that was good. There was one thing that dampened my spirits a bit throughout the day though. There was a girl from my school’s program that was supposed to land at the same time as me. We were going to explore the airport and split a hotel room together. It was just my luck when she told me she missed her flight, booked another flight that was due to land the next morning, missed the second flight to Incheon after a connecting flight was delayed or something, and was due to land around 5 pm the next day. It made me nervous thinking about finding things on my own, but I had to move on.

The plane’s “amenities” if you will were nothing like I’ve seen before. They had given us each a cheap pillow and blanket as they do on any international flight, but we also received cheap headphones, a full-sized water bottle (not those mini baby ones other planes have – a full one), and foldable hotel slippers to wear. Each chair had a screen to watch movies on and there was even a remote control for the screen. One push of a button and the whole thing came out. They had an area to plug in a charger and they even had a little knob to hang clothes on. It was crazy.

Interesting chair set up + views from the window shortly after take-off

The part I was most excited for was the meals. I’ve seen and heard from social media that planes to Korea had ACTUAL food that also looked good. My past experiences with United Airlines’ food weren’t even up for comparison. My mom would gobble that stuff up every time (I don’t know how), but my brother and I would rather starve than touch it. Anyways, let me just tell you I was not disappointed. When it was time for the first meal, I was elated that bibimbap was even an option. Of course, I had to get that over some ordinary teriyaki chicken. I was pleasantly surprised with the presentation of it all too. I was expecting some hastily thrown together bowl with nothing else, but I also haven’t had plane food in a good couple of years, so I forgot the meals usually came with sides. It even came with Korean Airline branded gochujang tubes and sesame oil packets which was insane. I ate it all.

Meal 1: bibimbap, miso soup, “spicy” pickles, oranges, Sprite

The next meal came in the middle of “sleep time” where all the lights were off for a few hours.

For the first two meals I kept thinking to myself, “How do they know exactly when I’m hungry?” Because both times I’ve been hungry, and they've almost answered my call. However, as the third time came around, I felt a lot fuller than I wanted to be. I still tried to eat it, albeit a little forcefully, but I knew I would have regretted it later if I didn’t. Plus, I wanted to get through the main dish to eat the carrot cake. Unfortunately, by the time I reached the cake, I was no longer in the mood with my tummy full and all. It was a sad moment because if you know me, you know that I have a sweet tooth.

Meal 3: beef with rice + veg, bread roll, caprese salad, carrot cake. Meal 2 not pictured but consisted of a ham and cheese hot pocket and a mini ham, cheese, lettuce sandwich

As for the plane ride itself, it was not that bad and was more tolerable than my usual five-hour flights to Michigan. Maybe it was because we got food and I slept better with the window seat (I usually sit in the aisle). I did kind of feel bad for the people who sat next to me as I unfortunately had to get up three times. My Korean friend told me not to sleep on the flight because of the time difference when I land or whatever, but I didn’t know what else to do on a 12 hour flight.

Views from window shortly before landing

The airport was a lot more straightforward than I imagined. I was worried I would get lost, but now I realize English signs and directions are a must since it’s literally an airport with tons of foreigners. At this point, everything kind of caught up to me and I just wanted to crash at my hotel. Everything was fine and dandy except there was no toilet in my actual room which meant I had to share with everyone else and my shower wouldn’t work. Maybe it did work and I just didn’t know how to use it because it took me a while to orient myself in the shared bathroom where there was no light switch and I had to press buttons to open the door. I ended up hitting the hay around 9 pm and woke every few hours until I left shortly before 8 am.

Views from above baggage claim and an inside look at my room at the Darakhyu capsule hotel in Incheon airport.

I booked a bus ride for the morning and luckily another girl from STAMPS was able to join me after taking a shuttle from her hotel. She brought two of her friends who were also going to be participating in a program at Yonsei University, the school right across the street from us. The guy who took our tickets was kind of scary as he yelled at us in Korean, asking where we were going. One thing I noticed since the plane ride was that the people here just assume I can speak Korean. It’s probably because I’m clearly Asian, but the flight attendants, customs people, hotel front desk, and café cashiers so far have approached me with Korean. It was kind of funny because the flight attendants would speak perfect English to the obvious white people and then ask me stuff in Korean. Anyways, the bus layout was pretty cool and different – super spacious. M Bus could never.

Bus interior. Fun fact: these two girls got off the same stop as us and were also attending Ewha for the summer

It was quite the journey to get settled (imagine carrying 2 backpacks and 3 suitcases up/down hill-y streets and stairs while battling the raging hot sun). We managed though. My room was nice too and I had it all to myself. I raised my brow at the showerhead, sink, and toilet all being in the same room, but it actually wasn’t too hard after taking one. Each room has a mini fridge and AC which definitely beats life at Bursley (dorm at UM that has no AC and all sorts of problems) last summer.

Extra pillow, pillowcase, sheet, and blanket not pictured. Each room has a balcony

The girl I arrived with, Alyssa, has a roommate (I didn’t hear her name that clearly, but it sounded like ‘Zeda’ so I’m just going to refer to her as that until it’s further clarified), and the roommate’s friend Deborah from their school in Massachusetts when out for lunch and a walk through the nearby streets. I was not expecting Zeda to whip out full on Korean when we struggled to order. Apparently, she took 4 semesters of Korean, and she could speak and read it decently. Deborah also knew quite a few words and could read it as well. Anyways the food was really good and pretty cheap – as well as a lot of things here. I literally bought 12 rolls of toilet paper for 5000 won which converts to less than 4 USD. So good news: I can buy gifts for people without too much caution because everything is so much cheaper here.

Soup dumplings, jajangmyeon, and these spicy seafood noodles

Long story short: the food was good, and we were all happy. We did some more walking and went shopping for dorm essentials at Daiso. Since arriving, I have seen an insane number of Daiso stores in Seoul which is kind of mind-boggling. There’s even one in the subway station near the school I’m staying at.

Despite the temperature being a whopping 93 degrees, we decided to take a little tour around the school. I quite like the simplicity of the campus – the buildings all look pretty much the same and it feels like a little town. The buildings remind me of the Ross (business school) buildings at UM. They’re all a light gray with stones/bricks, and the lush, green vegetation really makes the scene pop. It’s so fresh looking unlike in California where we have droughts and “brown is the new green”.

Views from the frontish part of the school

We didn’t make it far because of how physically taxing the walk was. Between the heat, humidity, and the fact that the school is built on hills of uneven roads, we were beat. We ended the journey with the very first building built at Ewha.

First building ever built at Ewha

To cool off, we visited our first café. I’ve decided to start a collection of those cup sleeves because they’re cute here.

Peach iced tea!

We all went back to our rooms to reset, but a few hours later, Alyssa and I were ready to roam the streets again. We ate at a fast-food place called Lotteria. Think of any place that sells typical burgers and fries, but times twenty. The food took a little longer than expected to come out, but we were joking how that’s how you knew they actually cook their food. Anyways, we were so surprised with the menu because of all the different options that American fast-food places never offered.

I got this mozzarella bacon burger which was absolutely insane because they literally fried like a puck of mozzarella and shoved it inside. Definitely not healthy, but really good.

The mozzarella puck is bigger than the patty. Also, the ice cream was super good too

To end the first night, we went into several cute shops with all sorts of accessories and items. I didn’t get anything, but I’ll definitely be back before the end of the program

ARTBOX interior

The First Day…Kind Of

The next morning, Alyssa, Zeda, and I went for a brisk walk to find breakfast of some sort before the Welcoming Ceremony. They were going to provide lunch, so we didn’t end up getting anything.

Quick street view

At the main gate, there’s this building structure called the ECC. In comparison to UM, think Pierpont/The Union. There are two sides made up of multiple floors. Within the building, there are food stores, a convenience store, a bank, coffee shops/cafes, a gift shop (Ewha’s version of MDen), classrooms, the office for international students, and areas for study. The path is dug out so that the greenery lays on ground level. It’s kind of hard to explain and imagine because you can access different parts of the building because it’s all built on uneven land.

Front and back of ECC

There were a lot of students at the welcoming ceremony – so many that they didn’t have enough chairs for them at first. We were given folders of information and even got a free pen and T-shirt (for field trip wear).

Welcoming Ceremony

The free lunch given was a free coupon for the cafeteria. I was pleasantly surprised with how good the food was and helped myself.

Purple rice, green onion hot spicy meat stew, cubed radish kimchi, meatballs with onions, cucumbers, apple + pineapple fruit salad, yogurt drink, seaweed, and a lemon tea drink

I ended up making my first purchase at the school’s convenience store for dinner where I got some munchies.

Kimbap and banana milk

There were a lot of options, and I was eyeing the bagged drink section. I have seen too many TikToks showing people in Korean convenience stores grabbing a pre-filled cup of ice and then a drink of their choice, and basically creating their own concoction.

Drinks galore

This is the end of the first volume. Stay tuned for my first full week in Seoul.

Spoiler: there were a lot of ups and downs.

-Elaine