#social skills

[creature-wizard]

Since the r-slur is making a comeback (you know, the word that starts with R, has six letters, and ends in D), I'm gonna make a little PSA:

Yes, it's an ableist slur.

Terms like "asshat," "head-up-ass," "up their own ass," and "high on their own farts" exist. There's also words like crap, dogshit, half-assed, assclown, and chucklefuck. And on the less vulgar side, there are terms like ridiculous, nonsense, train wreck, pointless, insipid, self-absorbed, pretentious, annoying, boring, contemptible, vile, and disgusting.

Substituting words like restarted, poptarted, brain damaged, smoothbrain, etc. is still ableist, because either 1. you obviously still mean the r-word, or 2. you're still using disability as an insult.

[followerofmercy]

Networking/Knowing A Guy: A Guide

This is the autism website. Now, as an extension of the power of love and friendship, there are few things more useful than Knowing A Guy. Knowing A Guy means you have a support network. Knowing a plumber, or a tax accountant, or just that one dude that's really fucking good at finding the information you need when you're really overwhelmed, can be the difference between being able to pay rent and having a fun party with friends to fix your shit.

How does one end up Knowing A Guy? It's a skill you can develop called Networking and it is one of the foundations of society. Unfortunately making those connections with people is fucking hard and nobody makes a tutorial for it. So, here you go:

The golden rule is you scratch my back and I scratch yours

It is necessary for survival to seek out useful people

Great news! Everyone is useful in some form or fashion - including you! When given the opportunity to learn about someone, do it! Extroversion does not come naturally to some people and that's okay. Just take whatever falls in your lap.

Types of usefulness: trade skills, connections of their own, personality you jive with, pleasant to talk to, niche interest in shared hobby, security - the list is pretty much endless. I know a guy that lives in the metro area - no job, no major hobbies, inoffensively annoying to me personally, kinda ignorant, not attractive to me, but you know what? He knows how the fuck to get around the city by foot. My rural-raised ass APPRECIATES the guide.

Remember important information: general personality, background, skillset, likes and dislikes. You can find this information by making smalltalk about their life. There is no such thing as pointless conversation. (Yes, even the annoying smalltalk)

The more people you know, the higher the likelihood that one of them will be useful in a given situation - or will know someone who is.

It is overwhelming. In a given clique/community/workspace/whatever, there is A Guy Who Knows The Other Guys. This Guy is a shortcut. Find them. They're often elderly, extroverted, a little bit annoying, a secretary or in some otherwise forward-facing position. Look for people that are gossipy/talk about other people a lot but not in negative ways. If they constantly talk shit, they'll talk shit about you too. They're still useful but be careful with the information you share

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.

You do not have to like someone for them to be useful.*

If you have low self esteem, you're going to feel like you're using people. You're not. That's the devil talking. People like feeling valued and the connections you are making are the threads holding community together. Recognize people for their talents. It's only a problem when you're taking advantage of people

So: don't feel scummy about it. You're an animal. You have to claw out your right to survive and people will respect you more for it.

Luckily mutualism is the name of the game in the animal kingdom. Offer something back. The foundation of a Know A Guy relationship is Mutual Benefit

Sometimes that Mutual Benefit is just spreading news of the The Guy far and wide. My plumber friend is my actual friend and I love her to death, but I'm maintaining our backscratch relationship by pimping out her plumbing business to anyone that'll listen

Food is a good Mutual Benefit. People across cultures for all of human history have bonded over food. I have good success asking people for a favor and then offering to buy them lunch in return **

General compensation is also good. Offer a service in return and always do your best to offer financial compensation as appropriate. Having your plumber friend take a look at your drain: doable with a case of beer. Having your plumber friend redo the pipes in your entire house? You need to pay for that.

Being transactional is not necessarily a bad thing. I would advise against keeping an itemized list of things owed, but fish don't seek out cleaner shrimp just because they enjoy their company. Everyone gets something

Unfortunately being extroverted and generally personable is a huge benefit here, but that's the value of the Guy That Knows A Guy. There's someone out there that has consolidated All The Guys so you don't have to be the local expert. Always remember nobody can do everything and you don't need to master every skill

* This is the foundation of a functioning community. I have many acquaintances that I find incredibly annoying. They include doctors, welders, artists, social workers, lawyers, construction crew and random fuckers at the grocery store. I do not hang out with them. I do not have to in order to maintain a civil Know A Guy relationship. I can drop them useful tidbits and fuck right off so I don't have to spend any more time than necessary with them

** People may assume romantic intent. Be prepared for that. I generally denote that it's a friendly/work lunch by calling them bro at some point if they're my age. Otherwise my general demeanor is sufficient to show that I do this with everyone

Source: personal experience, mother's teachings of crime, booth vending and poverty

[thatfrenchacademic]

Got once again told that I was "good at making conversation" and had "people and communication skills"

and that is the biggest lie I ever heard

so a girl will end up writing some sort of "practical guide to making conversation, by a recovering agoraphobic".

But also. If you need a "how to people when no social skills" guide right now, my absolute no bullshit guide is The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook (2018, 3rd ed), esp chap 8 and 10. Includes: how long is appropriate to look at someone in the eyes? What are good conversation topics for your neighbors, your colleagues, your boss, your date? How to safely practice social skills/conversation? How to handle shaking/blushing/sweating/nervous stuttering? How is talking to a group different from talking to one person? How to gracefully end a conversation? How to ask for a change at your work schedule? How to start getting better at it *progressively* without being overwhelmed?

It's not a feel good self help/self improvement book, it is not a magic remedy with secret formula, it is more of a "let's learn a new language", with homework and notes to take. Give it a try, it is very easy to find it online

[femmefatalevibe]

Femme Fatale Guide: Game-Changing TED Talks Everyone Should Watch

"How Five Simple Words Can Get You What You Want" by Janine Driver

"Master your Mindset, Overcome Self-Deception, Change your Life" by  Shadé Zahrai

"How to talk to the worst parts of yourself" by Karen Faith

"Think before you speak, hacking the secret of communication" by Catherine Molloy

"The Hidden Code For Transforming Dreams Into Reality" by Mary Morrissey

"Don't Believe Everything You Think" by Lauren Weinstein

"The public speaking lesson you never had" by DK

"Programming your mind for success" by Carrie Green

"How to stop screwing yourself over" by Mel Robbins

"Own Your Behaviours, Master Your Communication, Determine Your Success" by Louise Evans

"The psychology of seduction" by Raj Persaud

"Why we're unhappy -- the expectation gap" by Nat Ware

"Think Fast. Talk Smart" by Matt Abrahams 

"Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix' by Tasha Eurich 

"5 steps to designing the life you want" by Bill Burnett

"Staying stuck or moving forward" by Dr. Lani Nelson Zlupko

"To reach beyond your limits by training your mind" by Marisa Peer

"Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships" by Diana Wais

"Feelings: Handle them before they handle you" by Mandy Saligari

"Cultivating Unconditional Self-Worth" by Adia Gooden 

[theambitiouswoman]

100 Words You Can Incorporate Into Your Speech To Sound More Elegant ✨

(Common word - Alternate variation)

Beautiful - Exquisite

Happy - Ecstatic

Smart - Intelligent

Big - Enormous

Small - Petite

Good - Excellent

Bad - Deplorable

Nice - Gracious

Tired - Fatigued

Old - Ancient

Rich - Affluent

Poor - Impoverished

Happy - Joyful

Sad - Melancholic

Hot - Sweltering

Cold - Frigid

Busy - Prolific

Loud - Vociferous

Easy - Effortless

Difficult - Arduous

Fast - Swift

Slow - Languid

Brave - Valiant

Funny - Witty

Rich - Opulent

Poor - Indigent

Old - Vintage

New - Novel

Strong - Robust

Weak - Feeble

Pretty - Alluring

Ugly - Unattractive

Clean - Immaculate

Dirty - Sullied

Happy - Jubilant

Sad - Despondent

Young - Youthful

Old - Antiquated

Big - Colossal

Small - Minuscule

Fast - Rapid

Slow - Sluggish

Brave - Fearless

Funny - Hilarious

Clean - Pristine

Dirty - Filthy

Strong - Stalwart

Weak - Debilitated

Happy - Content

Sad - Poignant

Confusing - Perplexing

Typical - Quintessential

Many - Myriad

Everywhere - Ubiquitous

Contradictory - Paradoxical

Showy - Ostentatious

Insightful - Perspicacious

Arrogant - Supercilious

Obscure - Esoteric

Flatterer - Sycophant

Favorable - Auspicious

Joking - Facetious

Indescribable - Ineffable

Wordy - Verbose

Respected - Venerable

Worsen - Exacerbate

Short lived - Ephemeral

Help - Facilitate

Sneaky - Insidious

Confuse - Obfuscate

Begin - Commence

End - Terminate

Start - Inaugurate

Get - Obtain

Give - Bestow

Make - Fabricate

Break - Shatter

Fix - Rectify

Use - Utilize

Look - Gaze

Find - Discover

Tell - Narrate

Ask - Inquire

Leave - Depart

Buy - Procure

Show - Exhibit

Think - Contemplate

Put - Position

Need - Require

Stop - Halt

Talk - Communicate

Like - Adore

Help - Assist

Call - Summon

See - Perceive

Tell - Enunciate

Go - Traverse

Tell - Express

Have - Possess

Feel - Experience

[justatorturedpoet]

God made me this way because he knew I'd be too powerful if I had social skills

[batknot]

Internet Etiquette

Devastating! You just saw a take that you don't agree with! This is a check for reading comprehension and the practice of good faith. 

Analyze 

What emotion was this intended to inspire?

What was the goal the speaker was trying to achieve?

How could this be interpreted differently?

Is there context that would change the meaning?

Is the speaker qualified?

Reflect

What is your first reaction and why did you have that specific reaction?

Is it an issue that is harming you and/or did the group being harmed directly state that this harms them?

Do you accept the consequences that could result from interacting?

Is the speaker someone you can reason with?

What assumptions are you making about the speaker?

Speak

What is the goal of your words?

What audience are you catering towards?

Are you talking to the person with respect?

How could your words be interpreted differently?

What reaction will people have towards your words and how is it being achieved?

[elgringo300]

The first rule of dealing with people is: everybody wants to be a good person. Even your shitty boss.

The second rule of dealing with people is: everyone fails at being a good person. Even you. Even your best friend.

I think the rest flow from these.

[queerism1969]

[painted-doe]

Back in 2016, we adopted a system in our house for discussing distressing political news that I highly recommend. We basically use the traffic light consent system to check in with each other’s mental state before we bring up a news topic.

Me: (just saw a news story that I am dying to share) “How’s your traffic light for politics right now?”

Red: Nope, can’t take any political discussion right now, but maybe we can talk about it later. (Red usually also gets you a hug and a kiss and a check-in on your stress levels.)

Yellow: Go ahead if it’s minor political news. Maybe hold back if it’s very distressing or about something hateful. I may want you to shut things down if it’s too depressing or infuriating, but I will communicate if it gets that bad.

Green: *stuffing popcorn in mouth* Sure, hit me, what has that bastard done now?

This system has saved us both much frustration with each other. It makes it easy to gently shut a conversation down without making anyone feel rejected or overwhelmed because you both understood each other’s limits and desires going into the conversation.

You can also adopt it for other topics that cause you anxiety, like family drama. And it’s extremely useful for setting boundaries with neurodivergent loved ones who may not pick up on social cues as easily as others.

I hope it helps someone out there protect their peace!

[huellitaa]

why people don't like you ₊˚⊹ 💬🎀

okay this is not as harsh as the title suggests but i wanted to put it literally bcuz this is a problem i've struggled with for the longest time. im gonna be brutally honest here. there are so many reasons why ur not of the social status you want to be or don't have as many friends as you like yadda yadda yadda. SO ,, here's my thoughts on why that's the case , and how to help! 🫶🏻🎀💬

──★ ˙ ̟🎀you're fake

whether its cuz ur trying to "fit in" or because you have a completely different personality stored in the back for everyone you meet, ur fake. its very simple. its not necessarily a bad thing, it just means ur insecure.

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ how do you deal with this?

stop trying so hard girl. it's not that deep. there are 8 billion people on this earth and counting, u really think this person's gonna matter when ur living ur dreams and thriving even more than you ever imagined you could? no. move on. next please!

find out who the fuck you genuinely are. you're never gonna live your life if YOU aren't the one living it. once you get a start on finding who YOU are it's gonna make you more authentic -> more magnetic -> more attractive in every single way, including social.

u arent obligated to fit in. think about the type of people that you see in the street and you stare a while at, the type of people who stand out from a crowd for whatever reason, the people u look up to, ur idols who you could never imagine to meet in a thousand years; do you think they fit in? do you think merging with a crowd is what made them appeal to you so much? no. think abt that.

wake the fuck up and realise u deserve better. why are you neglecting yourself by hiding yourself from the world? would u do that to anyone else? would u get anyone else to change themselves just so they can fit in? girl get a hold of urself!!! you've been through so much and youve made it so far and yet you're still pretending to be someone you aren't?? you deserve SO much better. people who truly deserve you will always love you for you, no one else.

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ur too awkward / anxious

i want to preface this by saying theres nothing wrong w this at all and i completely understand but ur gonna face some problems of people interacting with you. or you interacting w them. or both. i was diagnosed w generalised anxiety disorder when i was 11, so i understand how much this can impact ur life not just socially but in all areas.

⭐𓂃 ࣪˖ how do you deal with this?

first thing im gonna mention to preface is this can be a symptom of an underlying condition u may need to get checked out. if its impacting ur everyday life please seek therapy, i am not a professional and cannot help u w this, even if i'd like to. i love u ♡

find what is making u anxious. what about social interaction is scary to you, and why? why does interacting w others make u nervous? is there a specific thing ur worried about or u find nervewracking? always. find. the root!

have compassion and empathy and patience w yourself. its perfectly okay and normal to some extent to feel like this and of course we're all gonna feel like this sometimes but its important to treat urself with care, especially in these times.

treat urself as u would a child. i recommend treating urself like a friend a lot but when ur in a delicate and emotional state like this its better to treat urself like ur ur own child. take care of urself with the same love and attentiveness as you would your own children and give yourself time and take care of yourself to work through the issue. ♡

break things down and take it slow and simple. break it into steps and PUT. YOURSELF. FIRST until u feel able to go back out into the public again and be That Girl ♡

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ur straight up mean

this can be anywhere from just being generally disinterested in people, being constantly negative all of the time to being just really shitty and rude. we all have the same potentials and possibilities but sometimes we can fall into the trap of negative patterns when interacting with others, which is okay. everyone messes up sometimes. but the important thing is is that we fall back out of that and become even better for it!

💬𓂃 ࣪˖ how do you deal with this?

try ur best to put ur ego aside and think about yourself from an outside perspective. would you wanna be friends with you? if you were another person, how would you think people feel around you?

(🗒🎀 note: if that's too difficult, create someone in ur head or mentally assign ur traits, the good and bad, to someone you dont really know, and think ab how youd feel around them. insecure? jealous? confident? excited? nervous? think about it.)

i know it sounds weird but literally just sit down and talk to people close to u when you get the chance or the opportunity comes up and ask if anything you do comes off rude or blunt or abrupt or any sort of negative trait you think might be the issue here. or just subtly (or directly, either one works) try and find out their opinions on you so u can figure out if that aligns w what and how u wanna be, and then how you can change that.

just be generally more sweet and polite. people are easily gonna like you more if ur not a total dick. stop being mean to people, say please and thank you, compliment strangers, smile at everyone, put ur ego aside cuz its really not that deep girl.

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 ur too nice / people pleaser

okay being nice is not a bad thing. there is a fine line between being THE nice girl and being A nice girl. there is a fine line between being kind and being a pushover. you don't have to sacrifice urself to be nice to people. being nice should go both ways!

🧁𓂃 ࣪˖ how do you deal with this?

first things first, like all things and like i've said a billion times before, you need to address the root of what is causing you to act like this. this should always be the first thing you do when addressing any problem, esp w urself. why are you acting like this? what is causing you to endlessly seek approval like this and sacrifice urself in the process? think.

start saying no to people, even to the littlest things. if you want to do it then sure, but start saying no so much more often. it gives you a sense of control and shows you only you have a choice in the things you do in ur life, no one else.

define kindness. is what ur getting in return to this unconditional self sacrifice genuine kindness, or friendship, or respect, or attention, or whatever else you assume you're receiving from all of this? only you can answer that. ask urself what the genuine meaning of all the things ur trying to gain from this are and then see if that aligns w what ur receiving. (🗒🎀 note: also read this post of mine for more on this! ♡)

again, therapy is gonna help a lot w this. if this is making an impact on ur life, social or otherwise, then i am not a professional and cannot help u w this (as much as id like to). ily and i believe in u ♡

──★ ˙ ̟🎀 you seem "unapproachable / intimidating"

people are threatened by talent. people are threatened by beauty. people are threatened by what they aren't. so, congrats! you've achieved your goal! 🩷💭

🫶🏻𓂃 ࣪˖ how do you deal with this?

i told my therapist once that people have told me i seem rude, unapproachable, intimidating, etc. and i felt really upset about it because i dont wanna come off that way. i wanna be nice and approachable and someone people can talk to. and she asked me what i would do if my favourite celebrity or famous person or whatever was my age and was walking through my school. i told her i'd think they were really cool and want to be friends with them, but wouldn't be sure how to go about it bcuz they'd be super intimidating. think about that.

🗒️🎀 note: but if you do find that people say this or act like this around you a lot, then you might need to do some introspection and ask urself if anything ur doing makes people feel like that rather than their own insecurities and mindset. ♡

i just want to quickly add that not everybody is going to like you. everyone feels a general sense of dislike from time to time and this post is what i mean by that, NOT how to make everyone like you bcuz that's literally impossible and something you shouldn't waste ur time and energy on. as harsh as i may have been in this post ur amazing and i love u no matter how much improvement you have to do ♡ i love you and am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too!

all my love... 💬🎀🫶🏻💗

[creature-wizard]

So, you know how certain Christian missionaries are trained to act in a very obnoxious way, so that most people they preach to will reject them outright, so they feel like the world hates them for being Christian and they can only be friends with fellow Christians? You know that thing?

I think as activists, we sometimes need to stop and ask ourselves whether we're acting like those missionaries. I think this type of behavior is a little more ingrained into our society than some of us realize, and some of us have internalized it without realizing what it's actually meant to do.

[mactiir]

Psa that people pleasing, especially at cost to yourself, is so so cruel to your friends and yourself.

You say "it's ok" while mildly annoyed & not wanting to, so your friends Do The Thing. Then when you hear "hey are you ok man" it's "yeah Im fine just tired" while some part of you is seething at your friends, and yourself, for 'making' you go. Then you come home and wish you weren’t like this. Or maybe that your friends weren’t like this. But at least they're happy!

Meanwhile your friends are consistently making you uncomfortable, unhappy, and resentful because you've told them everything is cool. Because they're your friends, though, and they love you, they'd be horrified at themselves if they knew how hanging out with them made you feel. They WANT you to be comfortable, happy, safe. You prevent them from being ABLE to change their behavior to support you because you "don't want to be a burden". You "don't want to be annoying". And so you rob them of the agency to decide, FOR THEMSELVES, what they are willing to do to help the people they love. You rob them of the ability to *act like your friend* because you would rather silently wish they could read minds. Do you see how toxic that is? How much resentment, how much anger that creates for you? Do you realize your friends can see that growing resentment and that they *don't understand what they are doing wrong*? (Of course they're annoyed when you defer every decision to them! They can tell you're often unhappy with THEIR decisions but are too cowardly to say otherwise!) Do you see how awful that would make your friends feel, if they knew how they were making you feel because you "don't want to be annoying" and didn't TELL THEM?

Healthy love is setting clear boundaries. Healthy love is trying your best to communicate clearly your own wants and needs. Because trust me, you are far more of a burden to people if you are constantly martyring yourself to whatever they want, or worse, if you expect them to read your mind or else resent them forever. TALK to your friends, guys. If they give a damn about you it won't even be a big deal.

[lightyaoigami]

as we approach the thanksgiving holiday in the us, i am going to issue my annual reminder that you can say no to plans that you don't want to go to. you cannot "get in trouble" with your parents/guardians as an adult. the fear of getting in trouble is a holdover from childhood. people might stomp their feet and yell and uninvite you from future events, but that is not the same as "getting in trouble"; it is an emotional reaction to your boundary and as such it is not your problem. hope everyone enjoys the time off.

[femmefatalevibe]

Femme Fatale Guide: 15 Essential Business Skills Everyone Should Master

Articulate, confident communication

Crafting effective, compelling pitches

Operating and communicating through a solution-oriented framework

Research of all types (Google, market research, studies, polls, interpersonal conversations, etc.)

Learning how to streamline, edit, and organize information in a clear and logical way

Accumulating high-level working knowledge/proficiency in all tools and programs directly related to your type of work/industry

Budgeting and financial optimization (investment, tax benefits, etc.)

Reading and interpreting legal contracts/documents

Setting rates, boundaries, and learning when/how to delegate

Good posture, direct eye contact, and a firm handshake

Building streamlined systems for onboarding, different repeat project scopes/workflows, and KPI measuring

The art of following up, listening to (potential) clients' needs, asking thoughtful questions, and benefit-oriented salesmanship

Consistently reading, learning, and studying current events/cultural platforms/industry and field-related knowledge

How to spot customer/client/business partner red flags

Self-management, task/project prioritization, and optimization of your personal energy clock + levels

[theambitiouswoman]

How To Improve Your Social Skills 💬🥂📱✨

Pay close attention when others are speaking. Show that you're engaged in what they are saying, maintain eye contact, and providing verbal cues like "I see" or "interesting." Ask questions.

Good eye contact shows interest in the conversation. But avoid staring excessively in a frozen state, as it can make others uncomfortable.

A warm smile and open body language can make others feel more comfortable around you.

Work on your conversational skills, including starting and ending conversations, asking open ended questions, and finding common topics of interest.

Try to understand and empathize with the feelings and perspectives of others. This helps create trust.

Small talk is essential for building rapport. Practice starting conversations with light, non controversial topics and gradually steer them toward more meaningful subjects.

Confidence is key to effective social interaction. Work on building your self esteem and self confidence through self affirmations and positive self talk.

If you experience social anxiety, try deep breathing exercises or, visualization. Try to focus your attention on something. I used to have a lot of social anxiety so I would hold a drink in my hand to keep me centered and focused.

Familiarize yourself with cultural and social norms to ensure you're behaving appropriately in different situations so you don't look out of place or rude.

Social skills are like any other skills; they improve with practice. Start with friends or in less intimidating social settings to build your confidence.

Pay attention to nonverbal cues such as body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. These signals often convey more than words.

Avoid dominating conversations. Give others the chance to speak and actively listen when it's their turn.

Show respect for others by using polite language, saying "please" and "thank you," and being considerate of their feelings and opinions.

Having a broad range of interests and knowledge can give you more to talk about and connect with others over. Learn, learn, learn.

Ask friends for feedback on your social skills. They can help pin point areas you can improve upon.

Join clubs, groups, or activities that relate to your interests. This helps you meet new people and practice social skills in a comfortable setting.

Observe individuals with strong social skills and learn from their interactions. Note how they engage with others and start to incorporate some of their techniques.